That Rules Podcast - Episode #91: Death By Bees w/ Roommate Zach

Episode Date: August 1, 2023

America’s favorite roommate is back!!! Join us for some good old couch talkin!

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🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 we are uh at the work in front of him that he's created yeah that's enough yeah i think i'm gonna leave back that is somebody was talking about it where they're like how come you don't make art like this anymore and it was like the sistine chapel and it was like their motivation to make art was like if

you make this you won't go to hell like if you can threaten people with eternal damnation more often and you had access to slaves you get a lot of shit done yeah i'm not saying it's the right thing to do but it is god god forsaken truth they didn't have hbo max either huh they didn't have hbo max how do you mean like michelangelo didn't have hbo max do you think he'd be so he put that on the ceiling everyone's like this is like a streaming oh true, yeah. Do you think when he was painting it in that sense, like his fear of not going to heaven, when it came time to paint God naked,

do you think he just gave him a massive dong? Yeah, for sure. And then the church came in and they were like, you gotta put a cloud over that, man. That thing is aggressive. He's like,

I'm getting into heaven first. God's gonna love this. That's why all the paintings have small dicks now because they're like, that thing is too fucking sexy. Yeah, that's why when they crucified Jesus, his big fat god dick sprayed open like the alien head. And like another one shot out and started to try to attack to keep him alive.

That's what was in the Dead Sea Scrolls. That's why they're not letting us know what really went down. And nowadays, with everybody on their phones, all we do is Dead Sea Scroll. You see something, you're dead because you scrolled. Yeah. Sistine Chapel. And that's the podcast yeah cold chicken on a friday night yeah a lot uh you can see me right here you can see me

hiding in your uh i was uh on the vein of you singing that song i was singing uh when i i was just i was just traveling abroad for the last two weeks that's what yeah listeners thanks for sticking with us and checking back in we haven't like given you any content in a minute didn't really stick with us but anyway come back please we need you we love you uh when i was over in germany there was a song playing the elevator and it was like your typical european music where you're like they definitely wrote this in german and then translated it because the lyrics were like you're on the dance floor and you're moving against me. And then it was just like,

it's like, because you're the best, you're the angel on fire. So the entire time you're there to my wife, every time there'll be like a beautiful moment. I'm like, God damn it. You're my angel on fire.

She's like, you really know how to fucking ruin a moment. That's a little beautiful. I mean, it's better than like the very harsh translation the Chinese restaurants have. Yeah.

Ding dong food now. You're like, all right, cool. You black, you buy. That's basically what half of them

are actually named. Every single restaurant in Chinatown now is going to be called Sixer Stadium. Yeah, is it official? Yeah,

it's going to be Nathan's Hot Dogs. I just, my car just broke down in Chinatown. That sounds like a good fucking song from the 80s. Really?

Yeah, a whole bunch of smoke coming out of my car. Everyone piled around like it was a nice little cookout. Well, you're in Chinatown. It could have been worse with your car. Yeah. They get behind the wheel. They're like, whoa. True, true.

They. You can fill in the blank what you think they is, you racist listener. Chinatown. Oh, yeah. Generally, Chinese population. Historically, Philadelphia-based podcast talking about Chinatown has not gone over well. I love them. They're my friends. All of them. They make great food.

They're good at karate. Great karate. I was just abroad for two weeks. Yeah, I wasn't, dude. You were in Austria, hungry. Lean, mean, and European. You were in the Ottoman Empire. I spent two weeks out there. I'm part European now. I was in the heart of the Ottoman Empire. Really spent two weeks out there. I'm part European now. I was in the heart

of the Ottoman Empire. Really? I was out there watching everybody be nice because they're all former Nazis. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Everyone's just above and beyond. Like, is there anything we could possibly do for you to make you forget what we did for a while? Yeah, dude. Everything's beautiful. Everything's clean.

It's like when your wife's friends find out that you hit her and you got to be real cool around them. Yeah. Like that? Yeah. You got to like buy them stuff. Exactly like that. It was tough because it's like when your wife's friends find out that you hit her and you got to be real cool around them yeah like that yeah you gotta like buy them exactly like that it was tough because i used to have a temper the entire time you keep getting sucked into how like awesome and nice it was and then you have to be like oh wait you did that thing don't you you can't win one

over like this it's like a scorned wife they you know she keeps going back to her husband but just be like you hit me but apparently they're But apparently they're pretty admittable. They're like, we're really sorry about that. Yeah, they're so sorry. Where like Japan, they're like, we don't even remember it, dude. Yeah. Well, we made sure that Japan didn't remember a lot of things. Yeah, but they –

The U.S. True. We kind of wiped the slate clean a little bit over there. Yeah, well, I get fresh restart. Look, dude, I'm an expert on it. I watched Oppenheimer one time, so I know everything about it. But tell me about – Did you watch the whole thing. Look, dude, I'm an expert on it. I watched Oppenheimer one time, so I know everything about it. But tell me about- Did you watch the whole thing?

Yeah, dude. Did you do the double feature where you go to- People were going to Oppenheimer and the Barbie movie in the same day? Nope. Because they came out at the same time? No, I'm not going to go see that feminist propaganda bullshit. I got home and I watched- Oppenheimer?

Yeah, that is sheer. It was like barely a nuke. Yeah. Okay, maybe I had to nuke him because i was in a tox op and opera you find it was actually in a toxic relationship so i like to find out that it's like they've just totally rewritten the story of oppenheimer and right as he's about to invent it he looks across the room and he's like but i want to hear what she thinks yeah and it just points at a random woman and it's the lady from hidden figures she's like i actually got a rocket to the moon i can get

one to Japan too. It does show you the lengths that some people will go. Because there are obviously very thoughtful, smart feminists. But there are people who are just in it because they've seen it on the internet. His wife in the movie is just like an alcoholic. They show scenes of her hating being a mom. And there's other women who are like, what's her story? And I'm like, she's a bad person.

She's just a mom at that time in history. Where she did literally nothing but raise kids all day. And as soon as they went to bed, she was like, well, I'm going to get blackout drunk. People were like, yeah, I mean, that was all she did. But again, more importantly. Can't relate to that. Never spent a lifestyle like that before.

Yeah, it's true. Yeah, I guess I do want to know more about her story now. Getting hammered and hating your fucking kids. It's the Berturt Crusher movie. Well, this one actually made money. Yeah. Oh, Zach's here, by the way. Zach, my roommate.

Oh, hey, John. You know me, Matt's roommate. We're not going to put it like when we put his name, we're not going to put Zach Cummings. It's going to be Zach, Matt's roommate. No, his name is Jort Cuttings. Jort Cuttings. You're a real crap head.

Listen, sometimes I go to Europe and I become a real bad boy. Okay. What'd you do there, dude? Why don't you name one thing illegal you did there? I did nothing illegal. I did a lot of just walking around and looking at stuff. Oh, yeah? That was basically it.

I would just turn in an alleyway and I'm like, huh, this is all old. What were you looking in a mirror at something happening? Yeah, that's what it was. Man, you are just... I come back. Your shorts used to be pants when I left. They were still pants.

Whose fault is that, dude? Listen, I'm worried. I always said, don't leave it in my own devices because they will be scissors and I'll use them to cut my pants. I got worried I was going to come back and be different,

be changed from Europe. It almost changed me a couple times. Yeah. I wanted to buy a cool shirt the whole time I was there. You sent me updates. Every guy had cool shirts on and I just wanted a cool... I got a polo, but it zipped. I want to buy a cool shirt the whole time I was there. You sent me updates. Every guy had cool shirts on, and I just wanted a cool polo, but it zipped.

I want to hear the actual. I'm with you on that. Yeah. I have one of those guys. I tried on a bunch. Really now? I didn't pull the trigger at all. It's actually somehow gayer to try them on and not buy them.

It's definitely worse. Yeah, it was terrible. I brought like, and here's the even worse part. I didn't go to like a European store. I went to H&M in Austria, which is huge there. There's like seven in every city. That's,

and yeah, I brought a bunch of those shirts to the, and I said, nah, you're not this guy. And I was like, damn it. I feel comfy and awesome in this shirt.

I never pulled the trigger. Yeah, you were being like fat moms when they're trying to decide to order dessert. You're like, should I be bad? Should I be bad? Should I be bad?

I've never, I've never tried on an article of clothing in my life. Cause I think it's too feminine. And I just walk around looking at, don't be idiot with clothes that don't fit. You just, you just purchase right away. I was like,

should I try that fucker on? God damn it. You're in your Amazon card. And it's like, do you want to try this on for free? You're like fucking purchase. No, I'm a triple X.

I know my sizes. Never returned a thing. Never tried a thing on. Oh man. I'm a bigger, I was a big sizes. Never returned a thing? Never tried a thing on? I was a big... If I wasn't sure if shirts fit, I'd buy it online in like three sizes and just send back the two that didn't fit. That's fucking insane. It's insane. That's absolutely

insane. It's absolutely insane. You are European. But I like a T-shirt. I'm so European. I'm lean, mean, and European. I keep saying it. It's more like you're up in the post office with every return once a week, brother. Come on now. Yep. What the hell?

That's insane, dude. I wish that joke was as short as those shorts. I came up here in Austria hungry for two weeks, and all you're like, yeah, I walked around. I fucking saw a photo of my dad. I went to Arnold Schwarzenegger's birthplace, his home. I paid 11 euros to just walk around his childhood home and look at pictures of him with other people that was it there was like fake memorabilia there too they're like this is what the terminator looked like and i was like oh is that the actual like jacket they're like

no it doesn't look like it i'm like yeah they should have a short fax in here but this is where he fucked the housekeeper yeah that's what i wanted to hear i wanted to be like this is where his dad beat him every night and then he got strong and murdered his dad. I don't think that happened. Yeah, dude crying in Austria and just like, oh. I mean, he was Austria's answer to Hitler. That's the two most famous people from Austria are Hitler and Schwarzenegger. Not a bad turn of events.

They definitely had a marketing committee get together and like, all right, we need to give the world a new guy. And somebody was like, all right, he can't hate Jews hate jews they're like okay that's our number one rule like what's the next one he's like he's gotta have big big muscles and they're like how big like i don't know the biggest muscles of all time like all right cool and then they were like should he talk normal like no no make him have mush mouth but he's gonna be very successful no they just got a guy who had seen one american sitcom and he was like, what's an artist's arch nemesis? And they're like a

strong guy. We got to find the strongest boy. He really is the anti-hero. I shouldn't say anti-hero. Anti-what? He's the antithesis of Hitler. I guess Hitler is his anti-hero. There we go. Boom. Saved it. Yeah. How really was your time at Austria, dude? I mean, now the two.

Who's the real terminator you know what i'm saying yeah that's true one two and three they had a big this is also bold too they had like a like the huge when terminator doesn't have his uh his fake synthetic skin on and he's just a big like metal robot terminator that's when he's chris yeah he's just chris terminator uh they had like the jumbo version of that just in the yard of this place. And I got to think, in a place that used to be Nazi-occupied, you can't just have a big metal terminating robot just hanging out. Because if a family just walks by and happens to be wearing yarmulkes,

that might scare the shit out of them. True, dude. Dude, imagine if Hitler came back and he just saw Terminator. He's like, it fucking worked, dude. I knew it. Terminator is essentially his wet dream. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

He was like, I fucking knew it, dude. I knew we were going to be made out of like wet steel. I fucking knew it, dude. I knew we were going to be wet steel. This is what I was screaming about. Most people didn't know

because I was doing it in German. Damn. But a lot of it, I was just talking about the type of titanium and alloy we should be using to make humans. You think when he shot himself

with a bunker, he really thought he was going to go through with like the steel thing comes apart. One time, one time, one time. I need your boots, your gun,

your cyanide. He probably did so much like corny shit that nobody knows about. Like there's a couple times where he was like trying to do laser eyes at somebody.

It'll probably work, dude. I run a country. Yeah. we were i looked up a little it's it's weird too how much you google the word hitler while you're in germany but like there's nothing in the city that indicates nor should there be like where things happen but you're walking around you're like oh some bad stuff probably happened in this really cool park that I'm in. Let me look up Hitler speech, English garden. Yeah, sure enough. There's 8 billion fucking basically looking like the three of us, like 20-year-olds that are in the crowd.

That's what had to suck too. Did you hear that stolen Valerie just started claiming over there? Yeah. Us three 20-year-olds. Yeah, we're 20-year-olds. Guys, I have long hair now. I have long hair and board shorts. There's more 20 here more 20 here true you're right i'll give you that one i'm glad you stopped me there because it was going to go down a weird rant um you can't say nazi enough on a podcast

you probably can't say it at all apparently youtube is trying to try to absolutely shadow ban us well it's us and brendan chobb they won't let succeed yeah and one of us is a bad guy succeed. Yeah. And one of us is a bad guy. Me and Chobber. Okay, dude. Brandon Chobb. I don't know. Yeah. I went to Terminator's Homeland. That was

fun. Did you see? Oh, wait. I did see. I did see so much. He's a good purveyor of conversation. So did you see anything while you were there? Maybe have thoughts? Listen to this. Zach's the shittiest interviewer, but it really unlocks it. What other things have you ever done?

And those things. Tell us how you felt about those things. You must have had thoughts. All right. So listen to this. Last night. Did you see anything? Last night.

Oh, my fucking God. The whole time I was there, I was seeing everything. I got it. I saw a thing, and this is still blowing my mind last night we were in austria uh we were in vienna last night my no the last night we were there okay uh it was only it was just three nights ago this happened last so we went out to a beautiful dinner we're walking around we got ice cream for like the fifth night in a row that's all you do you eat good dinners and eat ice cream that's apparently all you do in vienna and uh so we're

walking along and all of a sudden, this cop car just pulls up, and it's like in an area that it's big enough for a car to pull into, but it's all foot traffic. There's not supposed to be any cars there. So everybody's kind of like, oh, shit.

Like, why is this cop just driving through here? Like, is it crowd control? And he drives past us, and then he pulls a Yui real quick and drives up, and there's these two younger girls walking toward the car. Let's go.

He literally steers at the one like slowly and then till she like backs up against this wooden wall behind her and he just stops and puts his high beams on and she's got like a bottle in her hand she looked younger so like we were like oh maybe he's just catching her from underage drinking or something and he gets out of the car she's back up against the wall and he just looks like he's gonna put his hands up against the wall to like pin her against there shifts grabs the back of her head and just kisses her on the mouth what gives us a look of i am i right that's just what i do oh wow gets back in the car and we just kept walking we were and it like took a second we were like what the fuck did we just

see and as we're walking we hear another american couple behind us going what the fuck did we just see and as we're walking we hear another american couple behind us going what the fuck did we just see what was the girl's reaction she like stopped like she almost she kind of looked like she knew who he was and this girl we we discussed it like thoroughly we we think she was older than 19 but could have very well been younger did you say was it a police car or a random car? A full-on police car. He got out in uniform, looked like he was going to pin her against the wall,

which then we were like, oh, maybe we should take our phones out and film this, like good, honest Americans, and post it and be like, look, cops suck everywhere. Turns out he's just planting smooches on possibly too young of teens. Maybe they just got the total wrong idea

of that one World War II picture when the war was over. They're like, we can just do that. They're just like, we can just do that. He just gave a look of like, am I right? Wasn't that crazy?

And just got back in his car. I think that's part of their like pension over there. Yeah. That's what I said. I was like, I don't know if he is the worst or coolest dude on earth. Her age is going to really determine that answer. Yeah.

Which we never found out. He's not great, but the benefits are out of this world. Austrian cops get 1,000 virgins while they're alive. That's kind of their whole thing. That's what the K in 401K is. It's kisses. It's actually kids. He gets 401 kisses.

And this one was 17, so it's kids. Isn't it supposed to be 40 virgins? So they get 1,000. They get so many more than 72 virgins to a thousand if you're an Austrian inflation Yeah, well the I mean the the Monetary difference between the euro and the dollar it's it's gonna be a lot more right right Do you think it's like if you if you were I know we always come back to just fucking Terrorism, but like if you do the like perfect terrorism you get a thousand versions

But if you do like half-assed terrorism, do you think you get like 40 like widowers? Yeah. Like 40 like moms who smoke? Yeah. Inside too. They smoke around their kids. Yeah, they're not good moms, but they're great lovers. You're in paradise sliding off her cookie monster pajama pants.

She's like, careful, and I haven't trimmed it a few. She's to the point where she has enough cigarette burns in the crotch area that she doesn't have to take them off anymore. She's like, just work next to cookies faced. I would not breathe in if I were you. You're going to smell something that you're not going to really understand for a couple of years. Let's be honest. There's a monster in these pants. Not many cookies

though. I'm going to be honest. Those are in my belly. I'm fat also. To be clear, she's saying this to a dead muzzle. Well, he's in paradise. He's an eater. True. Yeah. Right. Or whatever. Next to the kissing cop. I don't know. That's a disgusting fucking it was just hilarious to like we looked at the other couple we were just like man they hate cops in america here they're just like let them smooch yeah like i don't know it's funny the austrian people think that you're too american reactions would be like you pull guns on each other yeah did you fucking see that

y'all fucking saw it man there's no time to for shootings over there the cops are too busy kissing people it's better than what they do over here yeah that's what I was getting at give us your opinion on the police mmm like them but I think there's something fishy go I would have got away with it it wasn't for you meddling police yeah your kisses to in your Scooby van. Maybe cops drove around and Scooby do things solving mysteries. The people would give him a bit of a fair chance. Exactly. Scooby doing the case of police

brutality instead of training the canines to go stop training canines to buy people train them to go row. Are you robbing this red venus store? You have the right to remain sewing school row sheriff use excessive force so that's he owns up don't scoop

cop smoking weed i think we need more of that i don't know yeah but so that happened that was fucking mind-boggling. I got lost in a park. That happened. Sick. We went out. Did you really? The park was only like three feet wide, though. No, no, no.

This is like Munich Central Park. It's called English Garden, and we went the night before. It was a really cool thing. There's like a man-made river there with rapids, and dudes just surf on it like in the middle of landlocked germany there is a set of surfers in the middle of the city yeah so like we saw that walked along this like a river hung out in the park the next morning i went for a run i was like i pretty much know every inch of this park i spent 45 minutes

in it last night yeah uh my four mile run ended up being a 10 mile run because i got completely lost my phone like my personal phone didn't have service over there so it was literally just like an ipod for me just to play music and yeah that is my count my steps and uh what did you say that big 10 miles that's that's my actual i've had nightmares where i go for a run and then I don't know how to get home. Yeah, that's just what. Your nightmare is just, I went for a run. Here's what happens.

That's the end of the nightmare. You end up calling your wife while she's still sleeping because you got up early to do something good for yourself, and you go, where am I? I literally had to go, hon, can you look up where the ice cream place was we went last night? Because I need that as a landmark to get home.

Hon, Dippin' Dots said it's the ice cream of the future and that may very well be where I'm at now. Wandering around there until I found said surfers. I had to rely... Damn, you were eight hours ahead, so Dippin' Dots was just the ice cream of the now there, wasn't it? Yeah, I was in the future. It was very

futuristic. I've been waiting to pod, baby. The future looks good. I ended up having to use... I didn't know I had scout skills. I found the one, dude. I've been waiting to pod, baby. The future looks good. The future. I ended up having to use, I didn't know I had scout skills. I found the stream. Wait, wait, wait. What are scout skills specifically? Navigation in a lost wilderness situation. Okay, what else?

Because it was plural skills. Fucking grownups. Honor. Honor. That's another. I had a lot of honor while I was lost. I knew you had that in you. Yeah, you definitely had a lot of honor.

Appreciation of the wilderness. I saw horseshit. I was just. I knew you had that in you. Appreciation of the wilderness. I saw horse shit. I was just going to say, that is horse shit. Yeah, I saw some horse shit. No, I ended up finding the stream that led from where the surfers were, and I just was like, I just got to follow the stream back. That was three miles of running on the stream, but that's where I saw the naked couple that I told you about.

I stopped along the journey back to catch my breath and try to figure out where I was. No one spoke English. So I was standing there and next to the stream there was a couple and I look around. I'm like, alright, I don't know that path. I don't know that path. They're butt naked now. They were just all of a sudden naked

jumping in the stream. And then I ran a little bit further over a bridge and stopped to figure out where I was. And it just looked like I was just getting a better angle at them yeah if you didn't i'm kind of you're entitled to if you want to look they're gonna put their goods out there and they got out of the water like you're saying they're asking for it by how they're dressed right that's what your point is by being not at all dressed and in a stream and they were you know having fun they're drawing the eye in if you didn't go out and like cover it Come on. Let it fly at that point.

That's pretty strange. If you didn't go on this one particular run, you wouldn't have a single story from Austria. No, no, no. The Arnold Schwarzenegger thing. True. I kept going in the sauna.

Let's hear this one, dude. I was going in the sauna a whole bunch because every hotel there has a sauna. It's a European thing. Good addition. So for the weekdays, nobody else is in this hotel. So the sauna was all to myself. So I'd go in there, sit for as long as I can, and go jump in the pool, go back and forth. You go dong out?

Dong in or out? How's your dong? So me, fully clothed. These shorts. I'm wearing my- Shirt on? My shirts? No, shirt off. Oh, okay. All right. But that's not fully clothed. I'm fully balling under the shorts, though.ed, these shorts. I'm wearing my- Shirt on? My shirts? No, shirt off.

Oh, okay. All right. That's not fully clothed. I'm fully wearing my shirts. Freakballing under the shorts, though. Of course, yeah. What's your testicular situation? There's a mesh net.

I'm good. Yeah. So along comes Friday, and along comes more people staying at the hotel. So I go into the sauna, and I see a guy out through the window rustling around, getting a towel ready and everything. I'm like, all right. I think nothing of it. I have my head down.

I got headphones on. I'm in the zone. Yeah. I'm listening to Ray LaMontagne's Be Here Now. Okay. Real deep cut. For us 20-year-olds out there. Yeah.

Great tune. Great tune. For all you Ray heads. I don't even know what that is. Listen to it. When you need to center yourself and have a moment, listen to it. When that moment then involves you opening your eyes and just seeing a fully naked European man in front of you.

Yeah. Who then sits down and sits indian style very deliberate choice of sitting style i was sitting like cool guy in the sauna i just got done a fight or something i'm thinking about everything at this point i'm sweating everyone thinks i'm listening to the eight mile soundtrack no i'm listening to ray lamontagne's be Now. And I look up and this guy's just as happy as can be crisscross applesauce with his applesauce

and his crisscross just fucking... I mean, Matt, I agree though. That's the most disrespectful possible stance because you get nuts and assholes.

Anytime your ankle is... And you can see part of that as well. Anytime your balls act... If you sit that style, your balls are directly on the hot wood. Yeah.

So he's cooking the eggs. Even worse than that. Anytime your balls are sitting on the hot wood. Yeah. So he's cooking the eggs. Even worse than that. Anytime your balls are sitting on your ankle, you're in a totally compromised position. That's true. Right. How often does that happen to you, Matt? I don't let it happen very often, but apparently this is how it kind of goes over in Australia. See, this is why they needed us to get them out of the war.

Yeah, true. Well, you are being a little classist because not everybody can afford to cover their dick and balls all the time. Oh, he could. He came in in shorts. He elected to take them off. He came in in a great pair of board shorts. And he put the board shorts back on to jump in the pool. Okay, who put the board to the ring, Don? Yeah.

Who put the wiener in the sauna? Okay, Donagan, calm down. Who's that? So he's in there. And I'm not bird watching, but i'm peeking at a pigeon every now and then if they if they fly into my peripheral i'm taking a peek another thing not to get competitive but you're gonna look and you go oh what's the size that guy's wiener he's deceptive because he's european he had some extra skin yeah so i can't gauge so that's making

me look more yeah so then he crisscross applesauce. We're going back and forth. I jump in the pool. He's chasing me. It's getting cute. Then I go in for what I'm going to turn my head. I was like, this is the longest I'm going to sit in the sauna. I think this guy's done. I'm just going to close my eyes.

I hear the door open up. I don't open my eyes. And I hear somebody sit down. I keep my eyes closed. I hear the door open up again. And I hear somebody else sit down and well get ready to sit down so now i'm like well now i gotta see who this third character is that just entered the story too many doors uh turns out it's just a european guy that looked exactly

like me okay but is butt naked also damn all right so which one of you came first be honest well i'm getting to that uh did you ever see somebody that kind of looks like you doing something stupid, and you're like, oh, I should never do that thing? Every time I look in the mirror. I watched this guy hunched over, setting up a towel, and I was like, well, that's what I look like naked being an asshole. And then he lays down on his back and just sits frog-legged as to just show us all his goods.

But his bush was so big. No goods. You couldn't see any of the goods. Yeah. Neither the goods or the dugeals that come with the goods. And at no point you thought about clicking your heels and suggesting there was no place like home to get out of this place? I tried. At that point, I was still listening.

Dude, you were in this sauna for a while. So listen to this. At some point, that's on you. I'm back and forth. I'm back and forth. And you're sweating, too. So you're like, fuck, what the hell is going on in here? I'm sorry that I'm committed to my health.

I was shocking my system, all right? So anyway. Went on a 10-mile run. I don't know if you guys know this. You're David Garglin balls. You're David Garglin. 10-mile run in four hours in the sauna. Did you go to a butcher shop to see more sausage after this or what, man?

Oh, yeah. I wish I did. You're not Huberman. You guys, very unimpressive links. Deets and Watson over here, man. I didn't think I was going to get judged for this story. There's a lot of dongs you're talking about.

It's a nine-hour story that you're hot seeing naked guys. It's the sickest thing of all time. I was already committed to it. I was going to sit in the sauna as long as possible. You are gay. At that point, I'm like, all right, it's time to get up. I got really lightheaded and all that i thought was oh no if i pass out in here one i might block the door yeah my body's gonna fall and wedge the door shut and these fellas can't get out yeah i'm gonna be woken up by two guys

butt naked carrying me out asking me okay if i'm okay in a language i do not know they're gonna hit you with a spider-Man, too. Like, careful, he's a hero. No, no, they were totally going to teabag you at least twice before it happened. I was thinking about it. I don't know if you know this. Europeans can communicate telepathically. That's a fact everyone should know.

I found that out. And I was thinking about it. These two guys were definitely in there, and they're talking to each other telepathically about how much of a pussy I am sitting in there in shorts yeah and in my mind i'm like look at these two guys they're gonna make it out in their mind like this guy's playing hard to get over here yeah he's hiding his goods now we want to see him so i think they were just chasing me yeah you're like a little marilyn monroe of this thing like you have your skirt flying up every so often from

the hot steam yeah i wish I had some pills to end all of it. Did you really almost pass out because the blood had rushed to your penis from your right? I think that was the reason. Let's be honest. No, I mean I can I've been in locker rooms. Guys, we all locker room talk, right? I've seen

naked dudes before, but this just got it was way too small of a quarter to just have everyone hang in brain. At some point, I left, and a husband and wife went in, and they were old and fat. And I'm very curious if the gentleman stayed naked around

this guy's wife. Right. Because I don't think I would allow that. Boxing's big, right? There could be a speed bag in his wife's titties. True. Or that guy's balls. They're hanging very low. That's how they get. I was playing sauna chicken with a bunch of fucking gay Europeans. And you lost.

You got blown out of the water. You got blown out of the hot, steamy water. I don't know. My work has a sauna, and I went in there one time. A complete stranger walks in, and I go, hey, how you doing? Oh, you talked? He goes, yeah, I went, how you doing? Just a head nod, how you doing?

And he goes, you talked. He goes, yeah, I went, how you doing? Just a head nod. How you doing? And he goes, bad. And I went, and he like held eye contact. I had to do the followup and go, Oh, why? And he goes,

my lady just broke up with me. And he sits next to me. I talked to this guy for 45 minutes. Like, this is a fucking nightmare. This is the worst thing. So do you think it was like, maybe you had commitment issues and that's why? Is it here is it just me yeah also why don't you take their

shorts off I was promised there be dong in here I'm not here to hear your feeling just show the donger right yeah that's funny somebody gets in a sauna thing and it's just a jacuzzi that's way too hot and all the water keeps evaporating above them that'd be funny for me to think about he comes in he's like I'm not doing too good like what's the matter he's like last time i was in this sauna some gay american and two europeans were in here and he passed out that was a europe that was austrian impractical jokers sit sit in indian style with your ball sack hanging out practical strokers the uh i had a sauna at my work that i worked at i won't say where

but an old person died in it. Whoops. And so we used to have this thing where we had to go check to make sure there was nobody in the sauna dead. And that was like every 45 minutes I had to go take a walk and I would clear. And then one time I went in there and there was – Did you ever clear at like SEAL Team 6 clearing a room? No, he did the snap motion every single time. I would bust down the door every time, and they're like, fucking stop. The one time you go in, it's two dudes.

You're like, clear. I mean, queer. I mean, I don't know. Clear, queer, beer, and I chug it. And so the one time I walked in there, we were like, they had these new group of lifeguards that came in, and we were all friends with them. Fresh meat.

Fresh meat, yeah, dude. And they were from the inner city, so they were like, cool shit. Well done, meat. Well, careful. Easy there. I meant black timestamp and I went in there and there was like these like lifeguards that were always flirting it was always funny to see cuz the one guy was like 5'4 and the other girl was like maybe six foot like 280 and I walked in and he was just fully mountaineer and he looks like it's good in here it's good in here after they were just like mid kissing and he was sitting

on her so i know for a fact he was like she was holding his thighs while she they were wrapped around her just like what do you want to show good or whatever they say there was a girl uh nobody's dead in there though uh the sauna in my town growing up we had a actually a german exchange student uh one of the uh we'll call her a slut, of our school gave him a handjob in the sauna. And I like to think that he went back and he was like, you guys aren't going to believe what every girl there does. You think the cum evaporated though when he was coming out in the sauna? Oh, true. Yeah, it just became a wick of it.

I think my heart would pop if I got a handjob in a sauna. It became cum vapor. That's got to be good. I think that's got to be great for you. I think, is a sauna handjob a very good handjob? Yeah, for sure. I think it's elite probably. Yeah.

When you finish a job, it's like playing a sport in Denver, dude. You're playing it against the elements. True. So if you can get that job done, you become a better athlete thereafter. So you'll get handjobs in regular situations and you'll be like, you want to break a sweat. That's true. You're just waiting to get back in the thick of the heat. Your cardio is crazy.

But then you also run the risk of uh getting salty sweat in your pee hole and every time i get a burn every time i get a hand job i wear an altitude mask even when it's just you giving yourself one i just i go full darth vader i'm like that's like are you my daddy i'm like i'm more your father actually no that's the next trend you You don't choke yourself anymore. You just wear one of the high altitude masks. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. People got to start fucking.

Just cut off the oxygen slowly. You got to start fucking in high altitude masks. You and your lady have to just be, every time you go to kiss, you smack fucking beaks. And that's how you know that you're becoming a high altitude couple. You're just full Bane.

You're like, I was pouring in the dog. You merely got used to it. Yeah, dude. You don't climb to the top of the mountain to tell people that you climbed to the top of the you don't climb to the top of the mountain to tell people that you climb to the top of the mountain you climb to the top of the mountain to fuck your girlfriend in a high altitude mask oh speaking of mountains i saw the alps that's another thing i did let's go i drove through the alps oh the alien to the point where i did a four-hour drive from graz to munich all those two awesome cities and it's straight through the austrian alps and you

just continually go through these little mini tunnels that cut through every mountain and every time you come out of one it's an even more beautiful scene of mountains to the point where i was coming out of these tunnels and just going oh fuck you yeah it was offensive how beautiful like do you ever get uh dizzy like yeah you go to like a city and like a tall building you look up and you get kind of disoriented yeah i drove for four hours just fully like i think i'm getting motion sickness from the height of these mountains i told a mountain to shut the fuck up at one point yeah do you ever do that you're looking a mountain say shut the fuck up i can tell you that i have not done that you never lived brother you haven't lived you propose like nine situations like everybody's had these like you ever see a guy

who looks exactly like you doing something it's like i think you're on meth no i i saw a guy that looked exactly like me and i was like if i was a lady would i fuck me i thought about for like four hours at a bar wait if you said if you were a lady if i was i was looking at someone that looked exactly like me and i was like if i was a lady would i fuck that person that is exactly at some point though your brain went to would i fuck that guy that looks like me and that? Well, that's the thing. Yeah, I had to put myself. It was toe in line, man. If I was a lady, it was just a little favor you were doing yourself there. Well, I guess that's probably homophobic, too, if I was to fuck that person.

You could be a lady also. You can elect to be a lady and then fuck that person. Yeah. Seems like a lot of steps, though. That'd be funny if you just saw yourself and you just thought you'd lead yourself on and then never do anything. If you saw yourself and you saw the girlfriends and you went to a bar and you're like, I think I would just ghost her eventually. Yeah, yeah. We'd make it to two dates.

Yeah. I would go on a second date and then be like, oh my God, I have to leave. I'm sorry. Fuck, my mom's pussy fell out. Oh, she lost it. My mom's pussy fell out and she's skateboarding on it. Do you think that guy saw you and was like, man, look at that. Just a lesser version of me.

Was he a better version of you or a lesser version? That's important. I think by the end of the night, I approached him and said, you look exactly like me. Do you want to kiss yourself? He's like, hey man, you've been staring at me for the past two and a half hours. Well, it's funny because I said sex across the board.

I said to him. You walk over hammered and just realize it's a mirror You've just been staring at yourself You're too drunk Even the moves that I move Yeah you're like the videos of cute puppies seeing themselves for the first time And you're like barking at it I hurt my feelings because I said to him

I said to him I hurt my feelings By proxy of him I said to him I was like dude we look exactly alike and he got upset he was like fuck this is what I look like

see that's what I'm saying he was looking over and for a moment he was like ah man if I really keep letting it slip I'm gonna be that I think I was

and you were looking over and you were like if I get my shit together I'm gonna be that I think I was the lesser yeah that's funny yeah

okay see that's tough too if you see the lesser I know I think in the situation where I saw the naked guy I was the slightly better version of that guy. Nice.

Like the... It was the hair, wasn't it? No, he had almost the same hair. A way bigger bush. I'll say that. I cared more about my trimmings than he did. For Easter? Yes.

For Christmas trimmings? Yeah. All the trimmings of shorts and bushes. Is that what they mean by trimmings? It's your mom's beard. This episode is brought to you by Manscaped. Have you run out of things to put on your Christmas tree? Your mom's like, is it a little dry?

I'm like, I don't know. It's covered in your pubes, mom. Yeah. Condition them. He has a Christmas tree is what you're trying to say. Yeah. Is it sauce or gravy you actually don't want to know what the fuck it is it's a little of both

and it's got a lot of meat in it okay I spent a lot of time people watching I saw doppelgangers I saw you there I saw you there that's everybody's last name there

let's go I saw a lot of doppelgangers you didn't go to Italy though dude what the fuck no they love Italians though dude everything there is Italian actually the best Italian food I've had so far was in Munich, Germany. Dude, you're from Jersey.

That's insulting. No, dude, you could throw a rock and hit Italy from Germany. We forget that. We are on the opposite side of the world. We're like, we know everything. You go over there, and you're like, oh, yeah, you guys are right there. You probably know Italian food pretty good. I don't forget that. I never knew it. I don probably know Italian food pretty good. I don't forget that.

I never knew it. I don't know any of that shit. I didn't know either. I was a very dumb American going in. I got over, and I was like, everything's nice over here. They're like, yeah, we know. Damn, Italy's right there? Yeah.

The bros of the Baltic Sea. They all spend time with one another. I honestly think it's a – I think Austria especially is keeping everything that's great about it a secret because they're like we don't want you to come over here i was like guys everything's clean it's awesome like yeah we know don't fucking tell anybody about it don't say it on a podcast that gets upwards of like i don't know 110 views on uh youtube uh careful anywhere it's anywhere from 150 to 215

thanks look at that yeah but that's now you got me boys yeah now we got the big draw the big zacky comp what's up What the fuck do you even do? What's up with you, man? Yeah, how was your trip to Austria? Yeah, how was your little trip? Dude, I went to a place better called Stone Harbor, New Jersey. Oh, I love Stone Harbor. I was there for nine days, and I went for a 10-mile run, and I got lost.

Yeah. No, I've been fucking chilling, dude. How long were you in Stone Harbor? Nine days. Yeah. I got to give you credit. You spent nine days there. You're not as sunburned as I would assume you'd be spending nine days at the beach.

I'm not lying. I went to the beach one time. Nice. In nine days. That's the way to do the short. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where you're like, I'm not going to see the sun because I'm going to drink until six in the morning.

He went to the beach and tried to throw a rock at Italy and he's like, it's just too far. It's just too far. I'm never going to see dicks in the morning. He went to the beach and tried to throw a rock at Italy and he was like, it's just too far. It's just too far. I'm never going to see dicks in a sauna. And then two years later that rock floats all the way and lands on the Italian sea. You know how rocks do. My little cousin with a...

That rock that wouldn't float, that for whatever reason wouldn't sink, it floated because they're so buoyant. That lava rock that just for some reason was on the New Jersey coast. Those rocks that are literally dense to the core and made to sink would float there and it lands on Italy and some fucking idiot named Fabrizio goes as I could it come I just like the picture you drunk on the shoreline at like 2 in the morning throwing beer bottles into the ocean

with notes written in them John's gonna get this in Austria my my My 40-year-old cousin tried to teepee a house. I love that movie, My 40-Year-Old Cousin. It's very boring. My 40-year-old cousin Vinny. It's a spoof. His name was Mike. Nice.

He tried to get me to teepee a house with him. Let me guess. Is Mike single? Mike is actually my cousin-in-law married to my cousin. Your cousin has bad taste. Yeah. He lost it in COVID.

He gave such like, so we got two noise complaints. Along with our grandma. It was sad for everyone. We got two noise complaints by the neighbor. Call the cops on us. Second time, unwarranted. Oh, you guys were being rap scallions? We were being a little bit rambunctious in the harbor.

How come you can't give noise complaints to be like, turn it up? Would you guys have a little fun? Yeah, officer, I like calling a complaint. It isn't loud enough. It's Saturday night and they're not freaking around up there. Is that Fetty Wap? Turn that shit up. I can hear him tiptoeing to the floorboards.

Jump. Jump upstairs. Your honor, can we get them? He's like, stop calling me your honor. I'm a police officer for those noise complaints the kissing cops show up when you open the door they just pushed you again what'd you do like bass up all right yeah they turn on super bass by nicki minaj walk away

that's cool they just put on lady cop yeah all right that's a time stamp for a real best we can get out of it he he tried to tp and like so the second noise complaint we drank like a bunch more beers and he goes like he's like you know what i've been bullied my whole fucking life god i'm not gonna let this motherfucker but i'm on vacation i paid for this and i was strong enough to the point i was like he is a piece of shit over there isn't he yeah i'm gonna burn their house to the fucking ground. You're like, whoa, whoa, whoa. And my lovely cousin, who is married to this gentleman, woke up approximately 3 a.m.

and caught us both with rolls of toilet paper in our hands. And I was like, you guys are fucking out of your minds. You guys are probably limiting on toilet paper as is. Because you're in a shore house where you're doing nothing but drinking. And she was like, there's no toilet paper. Yeah, you ruined our evening because you guys wanted to teepee a house. At what point the next day did you realize like holy shit I almost did that?

When you wake up using toilet paper as a pillow. You're wrapped like a mummy in toilet paper. Oh no, not again. People unwrap a sleeping bag and you just put a pad. Thank God it's two-ply.

Two-ply or not two-ply? That is the question. Okay. Sorry, guys. It's a bit of a period piece. Come on. Come on. Like blood.

Like blood. Good. So you had a nice time at Stone Harbor? Had a nice time. TP'd a house? Didn't TP a house, thank God. What street do you stay on there? I was rocking 103rd. Oh, yeah. yeah you gotta get into the hundreds yeah yeah it was uh it was the shittiest place

i've ever stayed it's the best to stay in the worst place in the best town yeah that's always the most fun i slept on the couch of a two-bedroom one bathroom i slept on the couch of a two-bedroom, one-bathroom. I slept on the couch with a one-year-old in the next room over. Was it by any chance a puke green house in front of a park? No, but I think I know the house that you're talking about. Yeah, that's the one I grew up staying at every summer as a kid. It's like the last one that's not a mega mansion around there now. That park's at like 101-h i think so not too far it's near where you get a cream filled donuts at donna's dude i almost had cream fields i almost

had my first kiss at that park by donna i never cream pie i almost had my first kiss at that exact park oh i think i smoked my first cigarette in that park to impress my sister's friend's cousin did it work oh you tell't know. You tell me. Still haven't heard back from her. I didn't get. She's been pulling teepee off her house for a while. I didn't get my first smooch, but there was, I was maybe 11, 12. I ripped it out of her cold dead hand. And we were like, it was like the steal the hat flirt move that this girl pulled on me, you know?

Yeah. And I got it back. Got it back. Put it on the head we're standing face to face three four seconds and in her monologue i'm like now you gotta pull the trigger you gotta kiss her or punch her at this point and i didn't and because it was so long of an awkward stare she had to do so she slapped me across the face and now that's your thing that's like ingrained in you maybe yeah now you can't come without it right just like such a high to low to be like first kiss me or physical abuse yeah yeah so fuck that part first love that'd be funny i like when that is a big thing down the shore like you

don't really you either describe by the street you live on and then when you describe the house you just give like weird features of it like you said like a puke green one as puke green as fuck you should be like dude my house is the green one you go in there there's a wardrobe that takes you to a snowy land where you'll meet a centaur with the body of a fawn you might meet a lion or a witch it's not typically snowy there it's being rained over by the ice queen she's there to destroy aslan he's a big he's a lion he's a god he created i think it's actually it's all a metaphor for jesus somehow i don't know it It's crazy. So you're going to want to keep your eyes peeled for King Edmund. He's going to be the one to get a word. Oh, you mean right by the park?

Did you recently read the life of Jesus? There's a lot of information about that. That was so detailed. I literally watched it just to watch the part where she gives Edmund Turkish delight. Because it looks like a delicious candy. But yeah, that'd be a funny way to describe it. Turkish delight sounds like what those guys were going to do to me in the sauna. Yeah, true.

Turks were a bit of jerks back in the day. God, I always knew. Everybody in Europe was kind of a jerk at some point. I always knew Matt was a Narnia kid, and I didn't have proof until now. I was a little bit. I read the books, and I read some of the preludes, but I never got too far. I watched the movie four or five times. So is it safe to say you got re-Narnia'd?

Huh? You're getting re-Narded in here? You're saying I'm a Nardhead? Yeah. That's a little close to a word we shouldn't say. No, he's re-Narnied? Huh? You're getting re-narded in here? You're saying I'm a nardhead? Yeah. That's a little close to a word we shouldn't say. No, he's re-narded. What? That sounds like a deaf guy saying it. Yeah, he's fully re-narded.

This guy's re-narded. He can't understand me. Okay. Isn't that all it's like an allegory. Damn, I knew that word. That's a character in Narnia. It's a Christianity story. It's an allegory. Damn, knew that word. That's a character in Arnia, yeah. It's a Christianity story, yeah.

It's allegory. It's an owl. Yeah, owl, yeah. Owl of glory. It's all a story, yeah,

of Jesus, right? Because the guy that wrote that wrote a bunch of the books that I had to read at the college I went to and I just, I fake read them.

C.S. Lewis, right? Yeah, yeah. What if you got to heaven and God was like, now that you're here, my name,

you can call me Jason. Like, if you found out God's name was Jason, now that you're here, you can call me Jason. Like, if you found out God's name was Jason, wouldn't that suck? That would be pretty good. That's it. If you were like, dear Jason. It would make sense. Oh, wait, no. That's actually Rob Cruz.

That's like a bit like that. Never mind. Sorry, Bobby Krinkles. Never mind. Bobby Krinkles. Yo, cut that, Jay. Yeah, sorry about that. I'll let that go.

Yeah, make that a reel. Put it out there. Yeah. Boy, good. Stone Harbor sounded nice for you there, man. Matt, what did you do in the last two weeks? Oh, me, guys? Farted around, kicked crud.

Cut some shorts. Cut some shorts. Cut it short. Went to... Huh? Cut it shorter. They're too long. Yeah.

I circumcised my pants. That's tough. I went to... I filmed it. I filmed a commercial. Oh, feel that was crazy I filmed a commercial it's nervous I go what a girl's was a girl goes when that girl wanted to kiss you have a kiss you yeah I think you're David girls now I'm David Gargles baby Gargles how long did you practice that for? Swallow and cum.

That'd be a crazy way to- Six or seven years. My formative years, some would say. Yeah, true. First time you blow a guy, you're like- Thanks, mystery. No, guys. Not everything's a big fart-ass joke. Sometimes we film commercials.

Commercial peeps. I've been commercialized. I went and I got the call to do a commercial for a tequila brand all right to go to a karaoke bar and we did the song tequila it's a bit of a humorous bit because you just only said some classic writing i'd love to see the guys that sat down to write that it was just a girl who's a very sweet girl very nice and no i still want to think there's a writer's room and the one guy's like, all right, here's my idea. Tequila Mockingbird.

It's a courtroom case. They should have done a fucking remake of Narnia. True. Anything you can incorporate into Narnia. Oh, that's behind Tequila, exactly. I don't think Tequila Mockingbird got enough credit there. I'm going to be honest, guys. That's been around for...

Feeling hurt, John, I guess. Oh, yeah. That joke? No, just like there's like bars that are like Tequila Mockingbird. Where? Where they at? And you even pluralize it. There are bars named tequila mockingbird.

I think we need to get Jay on this one. Yeah, they're all true. I'm telling you it's a popular drink, dude. Oh, it's a drink now? It's not a bar. No, there's not bars that are called tequila mockingbird. Didn't you just say that there's bars named tequila mockingbird? Ocean city,

Maryland tequila. Mockingbird Mexican restaurant. Oh my God. I feel so good. Don't stop. I'm so close. How about that? Well,

you just said it was a drink. Uh, thank you. Tequila on a mockingbird. Your throat right now. Uh, all right. So sorry.

You're, you're podcasting is so good. I've never been more disgusted by you. You're dancing to Tequila Mockingbird. That's probably saying something, too. Yeah, dude, it was sick. I literally went there, and I was like, I think I did a bad job. Did you do the Pee Wee Herman dance to it?

No, I just had to stand there and be very awkward, like forcefully awkward, but also confident in it. Are you actually, do you think you're a scab right now during the writers and actors you're doing work you are striking you're a full-on scab i'm ai yeah yeah they knew you were coming i'm at ai i'm acting intensely that's I do it. They're at the picket line. They're like, we're down with AI and no more ginger fucks in our fucking commercial. And this fucking bitch over here. Yeah, dude.

I'm Chad GPT, baby. Did you hear the beat up to his throat? Chad GPT. Yeah, brother. Elon Musk was like, that'd be funny if Elon Musk told me. He's like, this guy's going to destroy the planet. Did you see he just rebranded Twitter to X? Yeah.

What the fuck? He was just like, yeah, now it it's called x okay well i think that's like the subscription subscription based one but you have to pay for it yeah i didn't do any actual research this was just all read one headline yeah it's uh twitter x it's for mutants twitter x you read x-men twitter extreme twitter x-men i'm the guy with the claws how am i the most important mine's the most regular there's a guy shooting lasers out of their eyes. I've always thought that. It's fucking crazy, dude. Do you guys want to get into it? His bones are also made of antimaniacs.

Animantium. Don't hit me with the bone fact and you don't even know how to say it. His bones are not made of it. His bones were super strong. His thing is that he's immortal. That's his big calling card, which actually... Of course. There's also a guy that throws cards real good I don't know the professor that was my favorite and then I grew up and I was like he just throws playing cards that's it yeah that

was a guy yeah gambit and he had a drinking problem that was in one of them he's in a he was in the car too he was like one of the main dudes in the cartoon he wore a trench coat it was really cool and then fucking Columbine had to ruin trench coats for everybody and my parents wouldn't let me get one after that yeah i couldn't be gambit yeah because you have to talk with your hands like that yeah i'm gonna bring an ar-15 to high school yeah that's crazy i'm bringing ar-15 to third period okay sis go off then queen sorry so you were in a commercial yeah no but i would i do think that's pretty fascinating about the x-men they just there were guys with cooler powers.

And then actually, I don't know. Would a Professor X just never had a power? He's just a guy in a wheelchair. He's like, fuck, if they find me out, I'm fucked. He just guessed right a whole bunch. Yeah, we got it one time. They leave the room and he's like, I can't fucking believe, dude, I'm like 12 for 12 this month. He's just a meteorologist,

but they're so like superpower. They don't really know that that's a thing that exists. He's like, it's going to rain in four days and like we got to listen to him. They don't really know that that's a thing that exists. He's like it's going to rain in four days and like we got to listen to him. They trust him so much. He's just like that guy's bad kill him. He just points at random people. Yeah, he's like there's an enemy named bad guy villain and he's like he might be up to no good in this issue. It's the X men verse the Philadelphia parking authority, because they put a boot on his fucking wheelchair. He's just a guy

in a wheelchair who gets migraines. That's like half the attendance at Disney World. What can I do? Yeah. Ching, sparkle, sparkle.

Adopting all those kids and trying to profit off them is the same plot as Blindside. Yeah, he's basically Andrew Tate. Those are all his camp girls. Oh, he's Andrew Tate too. The mutants are his camp girls.

He's also Jeffrey Epstein somehow. True. I think he had an island, right? Yeah. What the fuck are they learning? He had his own plane. Guys, he's a powerful hero. Holy shit.

Did we just throw the top off this? X-Men is Jeffrey Epstein. And then they start their only fans page called Triple X-Men. Yeah, they're on school. But after first period, he's got to be like, do not fucking let somebody kill you. And then it's like Algebra 2. Yeah. Imagine having to just be the person that has to teach them arithmetic. Yeah.

You're like, alright, I know you guys can read minds and set things on fire with your sneezes or something, but we really got to get down this equation. Do they still have teacher speak? You know there's got to be some teachers that aren't actually mutants that are just brought in there to teach history or some shit. And do the teachers still... That's got to be wild. The teachers might still have teacher speak where they're like okay so if the tank's coming towards you what you do disarm it you're on the right track you think storm was ever in like a

class for meteorology and they're like here's how weather works she's like ah trust me i fucking get it yeah storm was the predecessor to do you're just ruining the weather channel for fun she yeah she's a weather girl but but she predicts shit, and they're like, I don't think it's going to rain today. She's like, yeah. I'm like, well, there it is. I bet you it does. Yeah.

I'll bet you it drizzles at the very least. And the guy with the laser eyes. She missed the golden opportunity to bet on the weather. Yeah, yeah. I love that all it took to hold back his laser eyes sometimes was just really cool Ray-Bans. Yeah. It was like, well, we have this really important piece that you can utilize.

Or also sometimes the newest aviators also hold back your lasers too. They cost like 300 bucks for a reason. Yeah, true. They're polarized. I didn't realize they have a prequel movie for him. It's called My Girl. He'll fucking kill us without his glasses. He can't see without his glasses.

Dying by bee stings? Dude, who in the writer's room, they're like, how do we kill this eight-year-old? And they're like, I'm thinking bee stings to death. My guess is probably stung by bees to death. Somebody was probably like, gets hit by a car, drowns. They're like, I'm thinking, and this is just to hear me out. What if like 300 fucking bees got this dweeb? And they just stop, bam, bam, bam.

And they're all dying around them. That's just my two cents. My dad is the director, but whatever you guys think. We do have to shoot this tomorrow, so let's figure this out. And it's Christopher Nolan, so there's no CGI. It's all real. McCoy Colgan really gets stung.

He actually died. They do those pretentious actor interviews where they sit like this but he's just covered in hides. He's like, the role called. You know what? It's really the third scene

where I'm really trying to pull a team. He becomes a superhero. His name is EpiPen. Damn, that movie, I think that would make me cry if I still watched that scene. That's pretty sad

when you're a kid and you, how old were you when you saw My Girl? I mean, I was in my 40s, yeah. I'm hoping to see it next week.

Have you ever see my girl no i'm guessing there's a scene where a girl gets stung to death by bees a boy oh macaulay colkin yeah and he can't see it so and every time i go by it i'm like this is gonna be sad just from the title card it looks sad so stung to death by bees and raped by michael jackson is a crazy way to go out true oh here's a real quick just a marketing campaign for uh chick-fil-a to be more woke we don't want to assume your tenders they have spicy tenders first regular anyway come on guys that's a clip this month we're LGBT plus a coke when I went Do you think that right now? I like that. That's very good. Wait, wait, wait. So when I went and saw my parents down in Delaware,

my mom thought Q and LGBTQ was QAnon. No, it's actually Brian Q from Impractical Jokers. I wish I was making that shit up. I'm like, that's QAnon. She's like, is that the Q in LGBTQ? Oh, LGBTQ. There's got to be somebody out there. It's Brian Quinn from Impractical Jokers. That's what the Q is for.

Water's turning our frogs gay, and that's okay. No, that'd be funny. I kind of like the woke campaigning for things. They have the gay version of a straw and a regular one where you get a straw, you suck on it. If it's not, you get no straw. You have to lick the little tube or the little hole. Anyway.

How was that commercial? Good. It was really great. Made a million dollars, and they're all going to tax it away because, God forbid, they see the 1% succeed. I made a million dollars off this commercial. Take that, Professor X.

But you owe Tony Luke $900,000. Dude, how about this? It's Professor X, but it's your ex-girlfriend. She got her doctorate. It's Professor X, but he's just the guy that runs Twitter now. Dude, Professor, I hardly know her. Yo, guaranteed, Elon. Come on.

Dude, I guarantee Elon Musk is changing his Twitter handle to that as we speak. Yeah, Professor Sex. Twitter. Dude, Twitter for chubby guys. Twitter love handles come on baby give me a kiss on the lips twitter xxl twitter xx yeah yeah yeah yeah damn they should make social media for fats what are they gonna talk about grub hubs yeah all their tweets are just mouth breathing i think that's actually parlor like as you look at a lot of those white supremacists

they're all just big dudes man par. Parlor. Oh, yeah. Parlor. That was Rumble's another big one. That's another. Those are two funny ones for fat people. Yeah. Parlor and Rumble. Parlor, yeah.

That's where a lot of people spend their money. Rumble is just what the ground does when you walk. Rumble. I think a stampede is coming. Yeah, dude. Rumble. I thought Rumble was just Asian bumble. Chicken al pastor back at Chipotle sent.

Rumble. Rumble. Yeah, dude. But in all sincerity, the commercial was electric. Humble chicken al pastor back at Chipotle sent rumble rumble. Yeah, dude. But in all sincerity, the commercial was electric. I think I jumped off the screen. I've also seen you on TikTok. You came up on my TikTok. TikTok.

Really? On my sheets commercial? Your sheets commercial. Sheets commercial was on there. I've gotten people that are like, yo, Matt sheets, man. Comedy's killing it. Before heartburnburn this was the worst thing that ever came out of sheets yeah true yeah i'm not a bit i'm not really i don't really i look pretty awful on camera i like you did look straight pace unbelievably you're just so white yeah and i was

and i'm massive justin from love and then what was like hey i'm not gonna lie the editing is going great but it's taking a while to really color correct Matt. It's crazy. I was looking at my welcome to my pain. Well, I'm just a huge fucking sheet like on your walls, gray and not white or else it would just be hair and a shirt. I know I really look crazy like a sheet. Now they wanted it because I wanted to wear. i guess i don't have a joke better than that sheets was definitely started as a meeting place for white supremacists right yeah yeah yeah because they initially were calling it the kkk meetup spot no i'm just trying to be a little more subtly

i think if we do more subtle apple we got a rebrand here some guy oh i saw the funniest meme i've ever seen where it's like a guy goes to applebee's is taking. We got a rebrand here. Some guy, oh, I saw the funniest meme I've ever seen where it's like a guy goes to Applebee's for the first time and he's like, I guess I'll have the apple. And the lady's like, we don't have apples here. And he goes, I guess I'll have the peas. And it's Macaulay Culkin. That's when he gets stung by them.

Oh, yeah, dude. I wish I could sit here and just read memes. I'd find some electric memes. Let's just read memes. Well, if you guys can keep a conversation. Welcome to reading memes. Did you see the one where it's similar to your joke, but it was like a guy's listening to some cooking video,

and she goes, this is a cheese sauce. Guess what it's made of? And he goes, sauce? And she goes, cheese. And he goes, oh. it is funny when just stupid shit on the internet will do better and be funnier than anything we've produced i mean we've run flat that's it matt was like guys please carry the carry the conversation for one minute and we've been like so so i did i did in the last two weeks i did a certain nationally televised program,

which name I don't want to bring up. And that was fun. I got to spend my time in an NFL training camp for a couple days while sitting in a hotel room. I wonder what the show could have been. We'll get that show a bit about. Does John have a joke about the team that is being covered? I wonder, yeah. I do.

I wonder if John has. And will you pitch that joke to them and see if they really like it and maybe i go up and i'm the team's official comedian no no no in an environment like that my eyes are down and my face is forward i'm not going anywhere near anybody on the team eyes down face forward can't lose i saw a lot of people in a new york jet skier uh in europe okay that's not true i saw a couple followers you and your wife ski in common no that's so so take that suck on that suck try sucking we try talking about this i wrote this down uh in a melatonin stupor uh lasers i think we started i think the world started going to

shit when we stopped caring about lasers. Yeah, we could have talked about that. So, Stone Harbor, nine days. How many lasers

did you see? Why do you think we stopped caring about lasers? Because I think in the 90s, like, the lasers were, like,

the shit. Everyone was like, laser tag, laser beams. Everyone cared about lasers. Who was everybody saying laser beams? We could have

got away from it. Laser levels. You think laser tag's real? In the 90s, you thought it was real. We thought lasers were going to be real. I don't think I ever thought there was real lasers when I didn't see a laser come out of the gun. Damn, that could be the next step.

Laser tag with legitimate lasers. Yes. Get all the school shooting out of your system. Laser technology. Oh, yeah. Laser tag with legitimate lasers. Yes. Get all the school shooting out of your system. That's going to be a hell of a waiver. Laser technology. Oh, yeah. Laser tag for school shuatos. Tag kind of involves reciprocating. I think if you get hit with one laser, you're not going to be shooting back other lasers,

though. True, but you have to fight through it. Sometimes you got to take a laser to the fucking, I'm hit. True. Did you ever play laser tag when you were a kid? Yeah. The place over in Deptford? Yeah.

That is now a play against sports? Dude, you know what I've noticed real quick? I fucking was not good at anything as a kid. You're not good at things now either. I'm like halfway decent at things. I'm not great at anything. Were you bad at laser tag? Dude, I'm like thinking back to so much shit I did outside of like basketball.

And I remember as a kid going into stuff and being like, I'm so sick of being bad at all these things. Like we'd play laser tag. Me and all my older cousins, I'm out of breath by the first corner. Yeah, but that's hard playing against older cousins. Older cousins are really good at laser tag. They were like, I'm playing against other kids. Oh, you were a letdown.

Every single fucking game. It's a fucking liability out here. An absolute liability, dude. Damn. Yeah. If Zach comes in, he's like, you got to do something. Oh, dude. yeah you're damn it zach comes in he's like you gotta do something oh dude i the i don't wanna because you were fairly honest i was completely honest but you started off tall yeah i'm like six two you started off the that conversation saying that you had

oh you're talking about your fight from the last episode i didn't i'd say physical i thought that you said that you drew said did you fight from last episode no i didn't i'd say physical i thought that you said that you drew said did you get into this shit and i said yes i like separated gotta keep all right now this is your fair chance to tell your side of the story of what actually i kind of thought about it um i think it's for the best that matt didn't join in and i'd say so it started off our friend bad at everything would have lost well our friend gets punched in the face right gets kind of i think he gets one two deserving or not deserving okay uh was dancing with this guy's girl was dancing with x girl x girl old girl broken up oh okay didn't deserve a two-piece professor x she was like i feel

something coming that's actually how she ends up in the wheelchair. She got fucking rocked. Damn, and your friend got hit with a juggernaut clobbering time? Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's Kool-Aid man. It's the same thing, though. They both bust through walls. 100%.

Dude, imagine Kool-Aid man as as an x-man that'd be so sick dude also if you want to tip him over yeah true so do you think all the all the kool-aid in there is his blood yeah so you tip him over he's blood out yeah and what comes out of him it's blue so your friend got juggernauted sorry yeah so our friend got juggernauted. Sorry, yeah. So our friend got juggernauted, got Kool-Aid-ed, and I had, we both saw it. We both saw his friend get punched. Yeah. And I.

Sorry, Kool-Aid-ed makes it sound like he got hit by a black guy. Was the guy white that hit him? All parties are white. Okay. Kool-Aid-ed sounds like you're getting helped by a black guy. All parties are white, yes. All the ones I've been invited to. Yes.

This was the Jewish frat at Rowan University. Oh, he got hit by a Hebrew. The real tough guys. This was a deke. This is the few times we get into the actual fun frats. He got hit by the chosen people? No. God's chosen did not get a hold of him.

It was not the Jewish frat. King David did not. Solomon. He got socked by Solomon, dude. He got Leheim'd? Yes. Yes. He got Leheim'd.

He got Kool-Aid'd. He got... What was the other one okay so sorry your friend's getting the absolute shit beat we both see it i walk over and i go i go hey and he goes he goes i'll knock the fucking shit out of you and i said you're not gonna hit me and he knocked the fucking shit out of me okay i got kool-aided um and i that's why i think and then i and then that's when i think and then i and then that's when i came over to matt and said where the fuck were you um nowhere to be found but i think if this just like guy went through three rounds of beating up three friends like if matt

came over and he also got beat it would have just been like mike tyson's fucking he would have got because i don't think you would have done much to help in that situation, even if you did step in. I'm just listening. And so I think it's for the best that you didn't, because it's better to be 0-2 than 0-3 is all I'm thinking. Okay. He's got real Trump eyebrows right now.

Matt's got real Trump eyebrows. Zach Comer, what a loser. Knocked out in the first round. Frankly, separated the fight. What a fight. It would have been the best fight. I would have sucked him off. You got punched in the throat, and you sound like RFK Jr.

Actually, that was the best fight until Matt gave it. Yeah, dude, that'd be kind of sick if you vaccinated somebody during a fight and gave them autism. A girl did help clean my bloody nose and we kissed that night. Kiss her. Yeah, dude. She has bad taste. Get blood in the kiss? Maybe. Who's to say? Blood in the kiss sounds like a My Chemical Romance

album. Don't do it. He was bleeding from her nose. We got blood in the kiss because we got the piss beaten out of us at the Jewish Rat. That's sick. He had blood coming out of his nose. He was like, it's cool. We can lay down a towel.

I knew you guys would like that one. I had to get it out. Just don't look at it. Just don't look at it. It's cool. It's cool. I'll just put it there. It's fine.

It won't get on the sheets at all. And it always does. It won't get on the sheets at all. And it always does. So anyway, you're kissing, you're blood kissing your queen. Will I blood kiss? I don't know.

Blood brothers kiss? I think there was a blood brothers kiss. What if that was how you got AIDS? It kind of was, oh dude, cleaning up a pussy's blood from a fight. She just gets a tampon and puts it in your nose. She's like, I feel bad for you.

Was that the girl that was a full circle? Was that the girl that slapped you that you didn't get to kiss? That would have been beautiful. That's a regular thing in boxing gyms. If you spar and get a bloody nose, that's the first thing the coaches usually ask you. Three different gyms are like, you need a tampon for your nose? It's pretty common. My coaches always just did that as an insult no you get tagged in boxing that's like a regular thing you don't you don't

live it down you get oh i got hit by a pitch in baseball my coach like we need a fucking tampon like we need ben and jerry's we need to hug you get a heated blanket that's usually keep your hands up dummy yeah we want starbucks what do you want, we're at Starbucks. What do you want me to lay next to you and cuddle you? What do you want me to spoon you? What do you need, a MyDoll? Oh, what do you want me to rub your belly? Who cares if it's bloated? That's totally normal.

You have a woman's body. That happens. What do you want me to take and never leave you? Were you blossoming as a woman? Yeah, what are you just in bed? Oh, sorry you're hurting because you can give the gift of life and I can't. Oh, what are you about to enter the most fertile part of your month? And you should really watch out coming out of this because you really

get pregnant right now. We're trying for a second. Yeah, what was your coach like that? Is that what your coach said? Yeah. Yeah. He was a mean fella. Yeah, he was a total dick. What an asshole. That same

night, one of my favorite stories, maybe it wasn't that night but our roommate had a penchant for not getting kissed too often and he came back and he's like almost made out with a girl tonight and we're like whoa what happened dude and he's like i was dancing with this girl and she looked at me and she was like i am not going to fucking kiss you and he's like yeah i was right there also is your roommate jackie chan what's happening with his voice there no he speaks in soliloquy only by their kiss he only speaks in haiku we were walking around the we went to the cape may zoo when we were in uh fucking sea isle and uh why

should you do that just to be because you have like oh like yeah oh. Yeah, they were cool. For like, you go to the zoo, you go, oh. Yeah. Did you like, drink underage or? No, we drank above, we were above age. We were above the influence.

No, and I just kept, I think her and I were, Gab and I were like, so stir crazy that we just kept saying the dumbest shit where like,

we walked past this one exhibit and they were like, monkeys and they were like, they're cute, but they're actually not good pets and I was like, yeah, because they ask you riddles

before you can go to bed. So we just kept doing stuff about like, you're trying to take the monkey out and he were like, they're cute, but they're actually not good pets. And I was like, yeah, because they ask you riddles before you can go to bed. So we just kept doing stuff about like, you're trying to take the monkey out and he was like, once comes the wind and the fire follows, who sings the song while the other swallows? Dude, just go to the bathroom. What the fuck? So that was kind of

eh, you know what I mean? K-Maze is sick, dude. Free as fuck. It is. It's so free. Her and I kept walking around like, I paid eight grand mean? Cape May Zoo is sick, dude. Free as fuck. It is. It's so free. Her and I kept walking around like, I paid eight grand for this, and nobody liked the bit at all. And a lion pissed on my sister there when we were kids, like right in her eye. Really? It was my aunt and uncle.

I actually don't think I was even there. I don't know if I was born yet, but my aunt and uncle took her to the Cape May Zoo because they're cheap. And a lion came out. It was doing its lion thing, walking back and forth. Went up to the fence and she was like, you know,

there's the fence, there's some grass and a barrier and it hit her with a stream that they say hit her right in the eye. Wow.

Yeah, just got totally golden showered by a fucking lion. Damn, the lion, the piss and the whore though. Exactly. That's the king

of the jungle right there. She was in Arnia. It's the circle of life. Iia. It's the circle of life. I think. It's the circle of life. She looked over and there was just a monkey holding up another smaller lion. Yeah, she got symboled, but it was a piss. Put it on the forehead.

It's the circle of life. That's the podcast. That's the end of the podcast. That's where you wrap it right there. No, I'm saying that's what the podcast should be. The Circle of Life? Yes. Or me singing The Circle of Life?

We're far enough. I mean, any Disney movie? Oh, I've been ripping some. Oh, one. I thought you were going, oh, wow. I forgot about that. Oh, Pocahontas. John Smith.

Spreading smallpox to all the natives. Watch as they cough and they arrive. Oh, Pocahontas. Do they get into any Indian genocide in Pocahontas? No, they're very nice to the white people. Believe it or not, they're pretty cool about the whites. They really get a breeze past it. Yeah.

They're like, the whites get there and they fall in love and they kill a bunch of people and then they do everything cool. But some of the animals almost talk. Yeah, dude. They don't talk.

Damn. They paint with the colors of the wind. You'd think it would fit you. You want a belt buckle on your hat. You're like, what are you doing? We should bring that back. That's another thing.

Genocide? Jesus Christ, Zach. You should take a trip to Austria. I was talking about the hat belt buckle bun. You should start putting belt buckles on dad hats that you wear. I mean, you're technically wearing a belt buckle on a hat right now, the new version of it. You're right.

I have the- Oh, you are a pilgrim. You're such a pilgrim. Yeah. Well, this is also kind of new. That's literally the belt buckle. You did go to a foreign land and you tried to tee people. Dude, if it wasn't toilet paper, you were building out of cow hide.

It took so long. What if you did it all and then the people that live in the house came out and they were Native Americans? You're like, we didn't mean it because of that. Yeah. We didn't know. What are you doing on our land? How could you do this? In the harbor of stone. All right. What are you doing on our land? How could you do this?

In the harbor of stone. All right. What do you got coming up, Matt? Actually, Zach, what do you want to promote? Yeah, Zach. Let's see, guys. Stone Harbor, two-ply. I'm seeing Oppenheimer on Friday. I'm drinking beers on Saturday. It's

my cousin's birthday on Wednesday. That's my schedule. Ooh. Can we go party for your... That would be a new Patreon tier. Party with one of Zach's 40,000 cousins. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. All right. They're probably listening to this episode. So if you're listening, buy our Patreon when we finally do it. Do it, Mike. That's who his birthday is. Yeah, Mike. Yeah.

Freaking Mike. You problem maker. Not the TP Mike. Oh, not TP Mike. Yeah. Oh, Mikey, Mikeyy mikey rear dog yeah yeah it's a shaving cream mike slippery mike mike golf my golf on saturday when are you in hacks oh i'll go for you on saturday if you need a golf i actually went alone this past saturday oh that's fun it was decent time golfing by yourself is one of the most fun things i had since crazy i had something I buy your score it's a lie guys I shot a 61 you're like well you're the greatest got for a full time did I say 61 62 my all you want dude it's still just you on the

drive home yeah I'm a fucking liar and I lost a lot of balls today we don't it doesn't have to be for hacks but yes it can be for acts which you can watch viewer go to hacks comedy golf yeah okay be for Hacks. Which you can watch, viewer. Go to Hacks Comedy Golf. There's a lot of episodes out there. You can catch me in the second round of Philly's Funniest. I'm calling my shots. I'm getting passed on. Let's go!

And if I don't, you can watch me cry at Matt's second round of Philly's Funniest. Then I'll lose. This Friday night, Turnersville, uh, just a comedy show. They back on that one. Really fun lineup. Uh, I got a couple of shows. I've been, I've been out of the mix comedy wise for like a month. I only have done a show in like a month.

So that was weird. Whoa. That was weird. You can see Matt go through puberty. Yeah. Okay. That's coming up. Matt's coming out.

I just missed you. I don't know. You can catch me just being European all over this country. You know what I mean? I'm European now. I can see it in your eyes. Oops, I'm European now. Whoops.

Oops. Hey, Matt, tell us what you got going on. I never get to say that. I never. This is my first time saying that. Yep. Well, you got a lot. You did good.

Thanks. July 29th, the Ambie Coffee in Somerville. August 2nd, we're going to be at Punchline on the All-Pro Showcase. August 4th, you can see your boy, the second round of Philly's Funniest. They call it the All-Pro Showcase, but they don't pay anyone. They don't pay anybody. They go, oh, I bet you want to host here. And then August 10th, we have Post Game Comedy Show with Jim Kelly,

Neil Wood, who I told the show was still going July 26th. He showed up to the tap room and I said, hey, is the show still going on? I felt fucking awful anyway. And then the 18th is comedy on the quick. I canceled and some other things

coming up, but check it out. I'll post it all my dad's back. I'll get him a fat Ben Affleck back tattoo. I'll make my dad get a tattoo of my dates for just August of 2023. And that's in that sheets commercial and check out my sheets commercial. Check out me going to the people and going, what the fuck are you? What are you ordering here? And they go, okay, what kind of diarrhea are you getting today? I'll also be shooting another sheets commercial, I think August 9th. So if you want to, you'll be seeing more of that. Oh, so

if you live near sheets, go there. Matt might be there being very pale. Yep. I'll go.th. So you'll be seeing more of that. Oh, so if you live near Sheetz, go there. Matt might be there being very pale. Yep. I'll go. Yes. I wish my skin hurts because I'm in the sun. Guys, we could have done this inside. Why are we outside?

My exact question. But it was a fun time. They're great people. They're good to work with. True. True statement. I had to save myself. All right.

That's been our podcast. I'm one of the best. Thank God. Thanks for listening. Bye.