That Rules Podcast - Episode #92: Protect Our Jobs 4 w/ South Jersey Bad Boys (Brendan Donegan & Dan Callahan)

Episode Date: September 4, 2023

The boys are back in town, and our jobs are on the line once again. Sing or swim, the South Jersey Bad Boys are here to rip it up, and leave no man behind. Ok bye.

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🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 Dude, you guys know you like the tunes. No, it's fucking Bobby Crews. It's a solid tune.

Anybody that's not, that I don't know in comedy, like mostly family, is like, the intro's cool. And that's it. It is a legit intro. He did a great job. It's the only compliment we've ever gotten. Anyone that's ever, yeah. That's what I'm saying. And it's like. If you didn't have the gay-ass title, that would be an amazing intro.

What was the name of your guys' fucking radio show or whatever you're doing bad boys dude yeah don't even try to act like that 98.9 yeah wogl club onyx hell yeah it's it's only on in your mom's car dude how sick were those club onyx intros were like yeah if you ever listen to power 99 he'd be like, I just got word. It goes real quiet. He gets an echoey voice. There's going to be a shootout tonight. Not promoting well. Then he's like, Echolobonics. You ever heard of these? They're a legendary

brand. They sound awful. He never does a good job. I wonder if we could find one. It plays after a Foreman Mills ad. Are you talking about a guy that just talks over top like DJ Khaled, like screaming in a rap song type of guy? But he's doing it in a promo, and it's just him, his billowing stupid voice. Have you ever been to Club Onyx?

I don't think I can. It sounds like a club for kids who can't read good. No, dude. It's for Pokemon traders. Club Onyx. I'm hooked on Onyx. Club Onyx. It's an Pokemon traders. Club Phonics. I'm hooked on Onyx. Club Onyx. It's an all-black strip club, so we're not racist.

I don't know. Club Phonics. This weekend, we're working on the letter O. We're going to grind and read at the same time. A variety of sounds. O. O. Ah. All the vowels. It's all Italian guys teaching it.

Oh, ah, e. Why are you? The count is the strip club DJ. Yeah, dude. One whore. Oh, this is officially protect our jobs for? Is it three or four? Four.

I think it's four. We did two on here. We're all teeing up our fucking DCs. We're all sober gentlemen. We're all living sober lives. Yeah. One bread, one body. We got to keep it together. Because it can't be beer because we drank too much.

Yeah, we're drinking too much. I'm trying to not drink during the week anymore. I know you're completely sober, so it's like... It's almost a year. A year? Yeah. A year already? The last time I drank was the roast battle that we had at Tap Room last August.

Oh, yeah. You went up as the... Yeah, I won. First off, we'll just state that... Well, no, sorry. Someone that sounded a lot like me won because we were down a comic. And the last minute, Noah was like, hey, we need somebody to go up as the unknown comic with this bag over their head. So I went up there there blackout drunk on a bunch of white claws and just started laying

what did you say people what kind of things that could ever change you know but you won with that i won with just some terrible it was just it was like everyone wanted to go home so you're saying the problem with your act is your face. If you went up there with a bag on your head, you'd just fucking murder. He did one of the hardest Wildwood accents I've ever heard. Yeah, it was a hard Wildwood accent. It's a good thing he never went to AA because all the guys are listing their cool-ass rock bottoms.

I was at a roast battle at the open mic that I run. You guys know how Wednesdays are at the tap. I got wasted and put a paper bag over my head. I called four guys a gay slur you know how I get guys allegedly this is what the guys I called a bunch of guys cuties I don't know that's what it is

that was the last time I drank that's actually amazing because you were fucking gone that night so I'm glad to have been able to witness that yeah that does look like that would be your rock bottom John with the bag over his head hammer drunk at the tap I kept saying to people I didn't even be your rock bottom, John, with the bag over his head. Hammer drunk at the tap. Doing a wild accent. I kept saying to people, I don't even have a rock bottom.

And then I tell that story. They're like, that's exactly what a rock bottom is, dude. No, I'm still searching for mine. I'm working hard. What do you think yours is going to be? I just keep fucking, every time I hit one, I find, I'm going to the earth's mantle, dude. I'm going to the core. Yeah?

Rock bottom. I'm not going to bedrock. Because now you're like a responsible alcoholic. Yeah, that's right's right i'm like seven or else i can't drive home good for you man you're getting drunk down the shore that's a walk and drink right yeah it depends i mean dude if it's more than three blocks dude i don't give a hoot and this is all satirical this is if i was this character the guy i'm playing all sober that's right yeah you guys are all sober right now yeah if you want to walk with a drink in New Jersey, it really depends on the municipality you're in.

So where were you, Kate? We're going to need Dan to bring up local politics. Where were you, Kate? My corner's waiting for that. He's like, guys, can we talk about what's happening in the townships? Yeah, that's an 08055. Let's talk about it. What's in your ass this week?

South Jersey Autists. Yeah, true. Autist. True. Very true. The number of people that have called me autistic has doubled in the last quarter. It's really going. It's now my doctor. I have an entire pie chart on this. I'll show you guys.

You're really helping your case here. But you genuinely do think that there's a chance that you might be. The more I look and think about it. How about the next Protect Our Jobs, we put you to the test. We give you an autism test. Is there just a test? There's got to be.

Can we look at it? I think it's called an IQ test. Let's boil that one up. Yeah. How many dinosaurs can you memorize? I didn't know if you were going to tie that back to something good. No, the worst part is I thought of that one. I was like, I'll stay on this until they're done.

I'll put it in there. They're going to love it. They're going to get a total kick out of this one. I was going to get on board, and I couldn't find an opportunity. Quitter. Quitter. Dan, what's your favorite municipality to drink in? Favorite municipality?

There's a lot of different factors you've got to take in here. What county? What time of year is it? Payback. Payback. Payback. Not necessarily him, but your podcast adjacent. Oh, my God.

That one's going to reek, too. Yeah, that's going directly in your mouth. That's a callback to a couple of two jobs ago. Yeah, that was so early to have to taste that part in your mic for the rest of the show now. Man, ever heard of timing, man? If you could have held on to that by the end of the podcast, that's like, there's my opportunity. Well, hold on. I have this funny thing about an autism test for kids.

I was thinking, that one actually reeks. Damn, dude. Did you see the clip of the guy that farted the perfect timing during Oppenheimer? It was like the scene right as the bomb drops and it's dead silent. That's common. And the guy just rips one. And you're just like, I could write for hours on end, for month after month, and it wouldn't be funnier than a perfectly timed fart. I know. It're just like, I couldn't. I could write for hours on end for month after month and it wouldn't be funnier than a perfectly timed. I

know I just go. That was the one clip on the pod when I farted where I was like, this is my viral moment. Yeah, this is it. You know, timing was perfect on the couch. Yeah. Right back on the cast. Philly's sixth funniest fourth. Fourth funniest.

That's not bad. Out of 300 people, they said they put in the post. not bad out of 300 people they said they put in the post they said out of 300 people we found our one yeah it was a good night it was a fun night

good night things went how they went and your thoughts never doing never doing the competition again I'll leave it at that I saw you put like

you're like gonna hang it up after this and some guy was like are you done and I was like shut up nerd done? And I was like, shut up. There was that one guy that quit the semifinals

night. He was on your semifinal night. And that night he just put a post up that was like, you know, some roads just come to an end. And this road tonight has ended. Nice guy. Funny comic. That is absolutely hilarious to publicly quit after something. Yeah. Yeah. Publicly quitting. This is a Nate Borgazzi joke. It's kind of hard to quit something nobody knows you do. comic that is absolutely hilarious to like publicly quit after something yeah yeah publicly quitting

uh this is a nate bergazzi joke where he's like it's kind of hard to quit something nobody knows you do he's like you can't just like call up cosby and be like look man i'm out he must have wrote that joke you ever quit a job anybody uh no but i remember i was a camp counselor and i lost four kids and i was like they have to fire me over the course of a summer. I would, you were honorably discharged. I just kept, yeah, I was, no, I was, I was, I was disgracefully discharged. I just kept forgetting kids in bathrooms. They have to take them to the bathroom and I'd usually, how do you forget a kid?

Matt accidentally sex trafficked kids. No, cause I'm so not that bad guy that Jared Fogle. You left them and somebody got them. But some weirdos. What were you doing in the bathroom with these children, man? You don't go in the bathroom with them. I was doing the exact opposite of Jared Fogle. I'm getting as far away from the kids as possible every time I took them.

And then you were like, oh, shit, I forgot they were in there. Yeah, I remember the one time it was like a mom came up. She was like, I think my son lost his backpack. And I got so sidetracked that I took her to the Lost and Found and then went from the Lost and Found to the other side of the campus that we were on. And then had my boss come up and she was like, hey, did you by chance love this defenseless four-year-old kid in the lobby? And I was like, he looks familiar. Dude, I used to.

They all look alike today. One of the first jobs that I ever had that I did quit was I worked at the International Sports Center, which was like a kid's party place. That's named way cooler than it was. The International Sports Center. which was like a kid's party place in Cherry Hill. Oh, that's named way cooler than it was. The International Sports Center. I was like, oh my God, were you a delegate? From what country? Like, this is incredible. Very, very deceiving. Like, I had to guard like the playhouse,

like a McDonald's playhouse sort of situation. Oh, okay. With like the slides and stuff. You had to keep kids from shitting in the ball pit. So I had to literally guard it, right? So kids would get stuck up there all the time, and moms would come. She'd be like,

Jimmy is up there somewhere. And there's like 40 kids. And I'm like, what does he look like? And she's like, he's got brown hair, and he's two. And I'm like, all right. So I'm like big as shit, climbing through a slide. Like, where the fuck is Jimmy? Somebody tell me where Jimmy is.

I'm like, do you know where Jimmy is? I'm shaking people down in the funhouse, dude. Dude, you were in Mission McPossible. I'd find one kid in the corner who's crying, and I'd have to get him under my arm and go down the slide with him. You'd crawl by one kid, and he's like, is Mr. Matt in here anywhere? He told me to meet him in a tunnel. Matt was sleeping in the slide. Oh, dude.

We found my kid. He had a beard. He was weathered. He's like, I've been here for 12 winters. I had a group of them in the ball pit. I was knocking them down. I was turned into castaway. He had faces painted on all the balls.

Dan used to sleep in the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit. Yeah, we were just talking about this. John asked if you've been fired from a job. I wasn't fired from Chuck E. Cheese, but they did ask me to leave a few times. In the ball pit, apparently you can't lay down in the ball pit and wait until they close at 11 p.m. on Fridays in Deptford. They just say, don't do that. Did you really try that?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I did it in the playhouse. Imagine them in the office. The two managers are closing up. They're looking at the video footage of you going, just slowly sinking into a ball pit, going, no one knows. Guess who's going to get all the tokens tonight.

I go in fully clothed, but I come up fully clothed. It's like Homer fading into the bushes. They look at the footage from like 2 a.m. and all of a sudden they see a guy. They just see a penis start to come up through the balls. You're the worst possible version of Jesus, dude. You're able to walk along the balls. You're turning everything into soda.

He's doing like full sprints outside. Nah, dude, after that, you went to those weird animatronics and started kissing them on the back of the neck. So what was your plan had you not been caught hiding in the pit? Like he was saying, you know how far I could rip on those fucking ticket rolls inside those machines without ripping it? That's a skill.

Without tearing the ticket? Sure. They come in the next morning, you're laying there with your fingers stuck in nine finger traps. You arrested yourself. He's got a finger trap

on his dick and his finger. I can't get it out. Don't tell my mom. That's kind of funny. That's incredible. That's how Chinese people arrest people instead of handcuffs. They just put them in finger traps. All five fingers.

They put you in a puzzle. Yeah. Because they know we're too stupid. And they have to ask you to push your fingers. All right, now push your hands together. I actually quit the job in college. I worked public safety at my campus, which is fucking hilarious. Oh, my God, in college?

Yeah, yeah. That is bad, dude. You were a public safety kid? I was a public safety. I just sat in the office and did homework while, like, if anybody came in, I just directed them to whoever. But one night, we got wasted, went to a Walmart that was open

24-7, Palmyra PA. You know where that's at? So we went to that Walmart, went in, bought a BB gun, and I shot out a window of a car right in front of the public safety place with cameras on me. In the line of duty outside of you. I just thought I needed a gun. I was like an instructional cop or something.

So I got a BB gun, shot out a window. They had it on camera. I deleted that camera's footage off the computer, and then I quit like a week later. My God, it's a real sting operation. I'm letting it fly on here. We're telling them how it went. footage off the computer and then I quit like a week later I love to think your idea of deleting the computer was you just unloading the BB gun into the side of it that's dance been gauzy he slept overnight there and stayed in the office I gotta sleep at my job they Stop sleeping at your jobs every night. You probably own a bag of ball pit balls.

It's like his blanket. It's the only thing he could go to bed in. I got to have my balls on. It's Dan's security balls. He did overnight security at a mall. And they were like, yeah, so you just got to stay here overnight. And you're like, and you're going to pay me? I can't.

Holy crap. I can't believe some of this shit. You were a wild man in high school. Did it all sober. You seem under the influence now. Might be. Can I talk to you for a second? Are you into mushrooms?

No way. Mushrooms. Scary. Portobello? Yeah. Those are good. I didn't really need to go on another trip. That or my buddy who works at Nissan knows a guy that has DMT. That's actually just a new model that they're putting up. Yeah, that's the Nissan DMT.

No, it'd be better than the fucking Leaf. You ever drive one of those pieces of shit? I have not. Wait, is that the one? Oh, no. Didn't the Priuses and the Dash used to have like a tree? And it was like for every like X amount of miles you drove you saved the earth more it would give you another leaf on the tree but then if you stopped it would just die oh really like a image

of it like uh on the display yeah i might have made that up that's like the thing they have for like uh the refillable water bottle things where they tell you how many fucking plastic bottles you saved oh yeah fuck that dude i want fucking, I want to rid the world of plastic. Not rid, no, sorry. I want to put so much plastic into the world. Yeah, fuck that. I want to do good. Yes.

I'm so sick of the plastic shit. I want to be one with plastic. They're like, we're finding it in your blood, and it's good. I don't know. I heard it's like making our dicks tiny and stuff. Yeah, it's making your boobs smaller. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard it was doing that.

Yep, yep. Confirmed. What a great excuse. I heard it's also making us come fast. Yeah. All the shame you can get for having a small dick. If you're like, do you realize how much plastic I even have in my body right now? You're such a bitch.

Without the plastic, dude, I would definitely be. It's like some of your like taint. It's like it makes your gooch smaller. And they say that there's a prox. No, it's getting wider. I should say that there's bigger. I've heard Rogan tell people that on his podcast. I have no idea. Yeah. Yeah. It makes your t huge smaller. And they say that there's a... No, it's getting wider, I should say. That there's bigger distances. I've heard Rogan tell people that on his podcast. I have no idea if it's true.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It makes your taint smaller, right? If Dr. Rogan... Yeah, it makes your taint... It either makes it smaller or bigger. Who's doing the taint studies, by the way? They're turning the frogs gay and we're the frogs. That's really what they're like.

Have you ever once been in a physical and they're like, and real quick, I'm just going to get a tape measure and hook it onto your balls. Dude, I had one time... Who's measuring? I had ball pain for like months to the point where I never go to the doctors and I went to the doctors for pain in my ball sack.

What did you tell them when you got in there? I just went to the lady and I was like, it just fucking hurts all the time. She was like, she's Hispanic, which is fine. I didn't say anything. I didn't even bring it up. These doctors are all fucking Hispanic these days. Yeah, I didn't even bring it up. She was like fucking Hispanic these days Yeah I didn't even bring it up

She was like waving a flag and shit I was like can we focus So then she was like No she ruled dude She had to hop a fence in order to treat me But she like came up Well isn't that ironic as opposed to a wall What no yeah

I was just saying that there was a fence You walked in and you said housekeeping No no no I'm looking for a doctor Please Oh, yeah. I was just saying that there was a fence. You walked in and you said housekeeping. No, no, no. I'm looking for a doctor, please. Time stamp, time stamp, time stamp. No, but she was cool as shit. Because, like, a lot of doctors, they think in order to avoid the awkwardness,

they need to be very sterile. And it kind of makes it equally as weird. She was kind of like, all right, we got to do this. She just went fat sack. Yeah, she was just like, all right, let's let's see this overgrown clitoris she got. And so she had to go from the front and then, you know, and then she had me flip. She went in from the front? I was like this.

Oh my God. You were getting a gynecologist to do this? Yeah, dude, she took a sample. She swabbed me. She swabbed my innards. And yeah, she had me up. And then she grabbed here. And then she had to push trout. And then she was like, all right, I'll lay on your stomach.

And that was the part that I was like, now you're just fucking showboating. When she pressed your chain in, did your dick come out a little bit? Yeah, no, I made a kazoo noise. There it is. Yeah. No, it's actually like when you go to a street sign, it goes wait, wait, that's so you put you face down as she had me go face down and I had to lay like like a sat like a salamander and now I'm telling I sort of got that

one was like off the books that would not feel like I needed to do that. Yeah, it didn't seem like protocol. Yeah, and then later on they're like we got to get an ultrasound. We got to see what's going on in there. So then that's another one when this lady get an ultrasound with your legs up dude it's kicking you thought you were a pregnant lady it's a little cold how big was this testicle that they literally thought you were pregnant she was down there and she was like it looks like the mother and i was like yeah what an old sack of balls she is but yeah then i had to go to the get the ultrasound and she was just she did the total opposite,

where she was just overly sterile and just for like 20 minutes. Did she get chubbed up? Not at all. That's the whole thing, is you think like, oh, wow, girl. She worked her balls for like 20 minutes with the gel? I swear to God.

She packed them up? And that was like, the worst part is in your head, you're like, do you make conversation? So, you got to go to school for this? That was, for whatever reason, that was the one in my head. I i was like ask her if she has to go to school for this so it's like yeah insult her see if it's like this can't be that hard right you're doing crowd work too yeah yeah you got any siblings you had to study for this yeah there's an idiot like you had to study for this she's like i have your balls in my hands yeah then they came back and they call me

two weeks later this is how they lead with the callback of like the the whatever they got to see the information she's like yeah so we got it so we did find two tumors she was like benign and i was like we found two benign tumors i don't know why you're doing the spanish version where the adjective is coming after well you did say's Latina big booty. Rojo balls are all good. But yeah, it was good. And they just said... Wait, you legitimately had two tumors and they were benign and she said that? I said they're two benign tumors.

Do you still have them in there now? Yeah. They said they're benign. They're called like water or something. They're just like... I got watery balls, dude. He can't be the medical. No, I don't know. He can't be the medical.

She's like, you're fucking balls are soaked. Dude. Ew. She came in and turns out I have water balls. Wasn't it like a year or two ago? You were like pissing orange because of your kidneys or something. No, that's when I had kidney failure. That was your nuts.

Dude, my nuts are good. But you're in a bad region. You should. If I was a horse, I would fucking be glue right now. I'd be the shot you in Ben Salem by now. If you were a horse. I'd be Donzo. Yeah, dude.

No, I'm a wounded warrior. How long ago was this? You're a thick-ass wounded bitch. I'm a thick-ass wounded bitch, dude, and I'll shut you fuckers down. Don't make me. Dan. How long ago was this? This was 18 months. My baby's about 18 months.

This was 18 months ago in march of 2022 and the worst part is i didn't get to drink for like three weeks which they didn't tell you not to drink i was that was of my own volition i was like all right i'll sit this one out they didn't tell you not to drink no they're like just fucking take it easy on the caffeine i was like yeah it must be the caffeine you stupid bitch you know we're gonna need some time to let your balls deflate yeah Your balls are some of the wettest we've seen in this industry. These balls are looking like a beanbag chair.

Yeah, they popped out like a water cyst. They put a little pin in there. They heated it up to make it sterile. Pop my balls. Did they really? No, dude. You said you had water balls, dude. That would be the solution. You're going to be on Dr. Pimple Popper on TLC.

Yeah, I'd like to see her handle these things, dude. I watch her see those handle things every single Tuesday at 9. Yeah, you can turn that on TLC. What municipality do you think that's in, dude? Well, so that's probably the longest tale I've told on here, but I had to get the ball story out. I can't believe I never talked about it. Yeah, anything else with your balls or anything?

No, that's the thing where it's like, I thought I was too young for this explanation but she was like yeah sometimes it's just things are gonna hurt and that was really that's a bad doctor i know dude you need to go to a better doctor they gave me a guy nurse practitioner and i was like can i get a fucking adult in here that was the second time i was a guy that was for my kidneys he was like yeah he's like i wouldn't panic yet and i was like that's what'm going to panic is right at that terminology. One of my doctors got fired from the practice and I was going to him for years. And I came back to one time and they're like, yeah, he's no longer with.

Oh, my God. And he was the guy also that I went in to get prescribed Adderall. And like, I don't have ADD or ADHD, total bullshit. And I went in and I just literally like googled the symptoms like of like it's like can't focus have trouble prioritizing and I just told him I was like yeah I'm just like having trouble

focusing and like prioritizing things and he goes sounds like you got all the symptoms and just gave me a prescription like that's how easy it is to get prescribed he's reading the web MD that you were reading over he's like yeah no it turns out according to Wikipedia you have it yeah prescription immediately. That's how easy it is to get prescribed. He's reading the WebMD that you were reading over earlier. It turns out, according to Wikipedia,

you have it. You start listing the bad ways. You're like, I can't drink as long as I want. I'm blacking out too soon. I need to get on the Addy boy. Now he's no longer with the practice. There are a lot of pill pushers. That's a big thing in the industry. I know some people who are

in medical schools and they're trying to push holistic stuff so all like the mumbo jumbo you know like fucking to try herbs is like kind of becoming like somewhat mainstream in medical practice we're getting so distrusting of stuff that people are like now not taking medicine yeah anytime i've ever asked a doctor too like i started once i got old i started taking like more supplements just like daily ones madame usal you know the old geriatric shit yeah but like i asked the doctor and she was like yeah that sounds good i was like sounds good like is this like ashwagandha is that cool she's like totally yeah it's like all right and i had the feeling that she was like i'm gonna i don't know

i'm gonna write this shit down i'll look it up later yeah there there is a lot of that where you guess in my job i'm like there's things i don't really care about'm going to write this shit down. I'll look it up later. Yeah. There is a lot of that where you guess in my job, I'm like, there's things I don't really care about or try at. And it's like, there's got to be doctors who are constantly doing it. Like if I don't think about it, send an email. If like three people say to take something on a podcast, I will a hundred percent take it. If one doctor tries to tell me something, I'm like, I don't know.

Yeah. What do you want out of this? Yeah. I'm going to do my own research. You don't even make kettlebells. How do you know what you're talking about? A guy doing his own research when that research is typically interrupted by a porn help stop. And he's like,

look at the boobs on this mannequin. I got to take care of this. I don't know. I think this blog is legit. Yeah, I think this blog from 2008 is fucking... The guy wrote it was still on dial-up when this thing came up. I've never

finished an article i read a one headline that's like this is good for you i'm like well this is all i'm gonna ingest now yeah true i skim through and i'm running a 440 in an article dude i'm in and out of that thing i i'll always see like those training videos for people that are you know actually still playing sports competitively and like man if i could just get that for like yeah i could probably get my vertical up yeah why would you need to be jumping higher at this point oh yeah dude but wouldn't that be funny to just be able to jump high out of nowhere when you're in your 30s and you just have a 48 inch vertical like you've prepped it for months and you finally are together with all your friends like thank you guys for coming something i want to show you real quick. Ready?

And then you just jump. But like everyone's genuinely impressed. You could do that at the wedding if you just train for the next four months and then you're like before we start the ceremony and you just fucking smack back. With the fingertips though, not a full hand. You still can't grab.

I just I rip off my pants. I run a four or five forty just down the aisle on-5-40 just down the aisle. Run a 4-5-40 down the aisle. Did you guys fucking time that? That's so funny, too, because wives are always like, don't get too drunk, and now it's going to get at it. They're like, can you please not reverse slam jam in the middle of the ceremony? Push a tire down the aisle.

Just Shaquille O'Neal breaking eight-foot rim. That would be so funny. Dude, having an eight-foot rim at your wedding sounds like the best thing ever. Just a dunkNeal breaking eight foot rim. That'd be so funny. Dude, having an eight foot rim at your wedding sounds like the best thing ever. Just a dunk corner. Eight foot rim? How about a six and a half foot rim in your apartment? You know what I'm saying?

It's also that. True, dude. That'd be a sick way where you bring down, when you walk down all the fucking people, just do a lap line. Yeah. Come back halfway through. Halfway through,

switch jump shots that everybody misses. Would you have a line rebounding though? Huh? You gotta have a rebound that's for the bitches yeah yeah the fucking girls

can sit there and read crime novels or whatever we're doing layup lines dude you can see my left hand dude I'm using right hand

on the left side dude just all the dumb stat girl that was at every high school yeah true that girl doesn't know anything

that was always the biggest slut dude dude they switch into sweatpants yeah you had a slutty stat girl that was at every high school. Yeah, true. That girl doesn't know anything. No, it's always the biggest slut, dude. Dude, they switch into sweatpants. Yeah, you had a slutty stat girl? Oh, yeah. I thought all the stats girls were sluts that wanted to bang the team. Yeah. They picked the sluttiest girls that were the worst at math.

And then I go, how many points did I have? And she's like, I fucking cannot read, dude. This shit's so goddamn hard. Also, your balls, you should get them looked at. If they actually asked them the stats, like, at one point that was, like, really important,

they'd be like, they're, like, turning pages, like, I didn't know I was actually going to be called on to work here. I've just been drawing hearts. Anytime a guy hit a three,

it was like that Zach Galvinakis meme where all the numbers are flying around. It's like, oh, shit. It was the only time I ever got a double-double in high school

is where the stats girl wrote the stats in my box above the guy who ever got a double-double in high school is where the stats girl wrote the stats in my box above the guy who actually had the double-double, and it went into the newspaper like that. It's like, wow, Dan put up 20 and 12 last night in Camden? I'm surprised given how often he shoots hook shots. He went from averaging

zero minutes a game to playing 25 and scoring 32 last night. Dan used to throw hook shots in middle school. Middle school, dude. The hook shot was just... That's the whitest thing ever, dude. It's just a little one-two step hook. There you go. How much would that piss you off if someone

legitimately serious threw up a hook shot in a game? And it's fucking Dan, too. Your shorts are enormous. You're wearing a short sleeve t-shirt underneath your jersey because you're insecure about your body.

We were every dad's dream though. Every dad raved about the hook shot. Oh yeah. They're like we're not teaching you it but guys if you do

an unblockable shot if you did a hook shot hook shots. That's it. I could only do it on the right side of the key too and I would just sit

there. Of course because you're right handed. He's going, go to your left, Dan. He's like, I can only shoot hook shots.

No, I meant on the side of the court. You can still hit a hook shot from the left side if you just... Yeah, if your body was turned the other way.

That is true. A father's dream. If you hit a hook shot and took a charge to the next possession, every guy is standing up like... We won the championship because I took a charge. That's what I'm saying. Oh is true. A father's dream. If you hit a hook shot and took a charge the next possession, every guy's standing up like, ah! We won the championship because I took a charge. That's what I'm saying. I'm just throwing up hook shots

and taking charges. You just shoot like the Make-A-Wish kid that they let come in at the end of the game. Yeah, true. If you want to find out what dads are racist, take a charge on the most athletic black kid on the other team and see how the fathers react. You're going to get a quick understanding of who thinks what, dude. Well, I mean, that's basically what happened in that championship we won. That was the team

I was the only white kid on, and they had a barbecue and did not invite me. That is 100% what happened. After we win the game, they give us their trophies. They were just like, yeah, we'll be doing something after the season's over. We'll let you know.

Yo, nobody tell Skyhook we're getting together don't fucking tell the hookshot guy well because probably because

you went up to him and like can I come to your barbecue where you play all that bullshit jazz music or whatever

yeah you know we go home my dad's like hey did Mr. Duquaine say he was gonna invite you to I was like

yeah we'll see I don't know if they have a pool don't invite the kid who doesn't have basketball sneakers

I had shacks they were the ones with the guy fucking Duncan don't invite the kid who doesn't have basketball sneakers. I had shacks. They were the ones with the guy fucking Duncan. Yeah, you're Stefan Marbury. Don't invite the one that can definitely swim on the team to the pool party. My grandpop's nickname in Philly was Shack Shoes Swishy Pants because that's what he wore. That's what he wore every day. All the kids down the street would go, yo, Shack Shoes Swishy Pants.

Every day he would walk, Shq shoes, swishy pants. Shaq shoes, swishy pants, give a dog a bump. Dude, is that not the best nickname of all time? That is. You have to age into that now. What's going to be your Shaq shoes, swishy pants? I'll be New Balance Nancy. Hey, New Balance booty shorts.

New Balance tight ass. So this is your grandpa in the Shaq? Not even a Shaq. Not Shaquille O'Neal. Yeah, he your grandpa in the shack? Not even a shack. Not Shaquille O'Neal. Yeah, he had Shaquille O'Neal's sneaks. Yeah. Grandpa. My grandpa.

How is your grandpa 35 years old? He was like 92 wearing them. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. Oh, that rules. With the sweat suit on? With the swoosh pants. Oh, this was as a like, yeah, as a grandfather. Oh, I thought he was like in the fuckingosh pants oh this was as a as an like like yeah as

a grandfather like the fucking four i was thinking black and white no like when he was a uh old man he would walk um he would just take walks down the block and every day was in shag suit swooshy pants and all the kids would go there go shag suit swooshy pants again and he would go he walked two miles an hour just yeah dude it's actually a pretty good dad's loved a good swooshy pants, yeah. And he would walk two miles an hour, just... Yeah. Dude. It's actually a pretty good pace. Dad's loved a good swooshy pant material. Yeah.

My dad was dripped out all the time in a track suit. You felt so fast, though, because the noise that it would make. Yeah. Yeah. No, my dad had Donegan caps, so he was like shorts in the winter type guy. Yeah. Like, don't get cold. Yeah.

Sorry, bro. Yeah, no, I... Are you shorts in the winter just to show off the caps? No. I'm a long pants guy in general because it's too distracting, dude. I don't want people thinking of me differently. True. Evidently not, dude.

Every time he comes here, he's like, well, it's cold in there. Leave me alone, jerk. I'm relaxing in jeans in my own apartment at 8.45 p.m. There goes Fat Kaz beeper hip. He says it's a diabetic thing, but I think he's wearing a beeper. There goes old diabetic one foot hopping around like a bitch.

These all sound like code-named military operations. Yeah. Operation diabetic one foot. Operation diabetic one foot. Fat Cav low blood sugar. Operation skyhook retard. High off the glass Nothing piss the guy off more

Than getting ducked and hookshotted on Ball that goes like above the fucking box On the board Dude the mental image of you just getting swatted By some kid named Dequan They were all on my team We were playing all the other white kids in the town After you got swatted too

You definitely got up and hustled back on defense That's the worst part too Slap the floor No guys we're playing a 2-3 We can't play man when I'm on the court Because I'm too fucking slow That's how it always went That's insane

I love that you grew up as The only white kid in a mostly black neighborhood. And it shows. Or school. School. In high school, it was like that. You were called B-Rabbit all through high school. D-Dog.

I had it written on the side of my blue. Good God above, dude. They were actually just calling him retard. Did I tell you how I got the... I think I was telling you about the checkerboard haircut that I got. Because on the basketball team, they all wanted to go get haircuts with the stars and the cuts and shit in their hair. So I was like, I got to get something. So I was like, can you just carve a checkerboard into my head?

And he literally buzzed it all the way down but made certain squares even lower. So that it just looked like a full-blown fucking checkerboard. Hey, yo, checkers. Hey, yo, checkered past. That was my nickname., checkered past. Yeah, that was my nickname. Checkered past. I did have a friend group where everybody had those, like, what do you call it? Alliteration type of names, like Loose Lauren or Slutty Sally or something like those types of fucking names.

Yeah, just those two? Yeah. Those were my... We're going to bravo for us. Those were just examples. There was, like, 12 of us that had all these types of names, and then the one girl who just went as Christy the alcoholic, and that was probably my favorite.

Yeah. Everyone loved her. That's fun. I just keep thinking about you just giving phrases, dude. It was D-Dog. It was D-Dog. D-Dog. I'm D-Dog.

Check out the way I kept and hooked the way I cook in my Peter Pan. And they're like, oh, my God, he's not coming to the barbecue. He's not coming to the fucking barbecue. Have you guys heard when Jay-Z and Linkin Park collabed? And they're like, no, dude, shut up. You're bumming everybody out. Then they listen and they're like, fuck, it's pretty good.

I was very familiar with the Trapaholics sound. Do you guys remember that? God damn, I could not listen to one song on that goddamn school bus without hearing some of this illegally line wired, downloaded horse shit. Yeah, horse manure. Oh, my God. Really wanted to get all that out in one breath.

Yeah, I don't lip sync on this podcast. I got to get it all out. Ashley Olsen, SNL. Dan is definitely blasted right now. You said Ashley Olsen. Was Ashley since definitely blasted right now you said Ashley Olsen was Ashley no you're right

no Mary Kate Olsen was the one that killed Heath Ledger yeah yeah and then they all stopped eating

they're like I'm done eating not so full of a house anymore come on dog why don't you sit up when you say something like that

most casual guy in the world no honestly this couch is horrible. It's terrible. It's like, how are you supposed to sit on this thing? This chair is not any better. They're trying to sit like a professional. Guys, guys, sit and do this.

Everybody sit real good. There we go. This is such a man spreader. Is this what we're doing? This chair is breaking more as the episode goes on. Oh, yeah, you can take that one down if you need to. We got a backup. Yeah, dude, get your Peter Pan slippers off of that chair.

Whoa, he's coming for you, all black. Hey, there we go. Dan's team was going to be called. And then they put him on there. Shit. The laziest name, yeah. Yeah, we didn't get the black uniforms that year. I was going to let you finish wherever you're going

with that. No, no, like the black colored shirts. You guys remember? No, I knew what you meant by that. I thought it was going to maybe be an additional part of this. The all white team was wearing blue or it was back in the blue. Yeah, why do they make refs dress like cops? I don't really like that. Don't run beds. Oh, yeah, it is a bit.

Well, I run it anyway. Hey, so it looks like I am doing the best so far here, guys. What do you guys have to contribute? Are you calling my shoes Peter Pan shoes or Matt's? Well, now that I took a look at those. Yeah, if you

had to go shoe for shoe, I wouldn't. I would say those are Peter Pan and those are more of like Lord of the Rings like Hobbit shoes. Hobbit or situation oh no wrong they're good oh sorry you know they're good guys correct yeah they're the best shoes everybody gives me crud for these they're good old-fashioned lesbian shoes that are made for like some people's boots are made for walking mine are just meant for driving super driving subarus and coaching softball yeah dude and just somehow sneakily being Republican sometimes, which always kind of freaks you out.

Yeah. You look like you're about to give someone a recipe. Really? Yeah, I'm about to give you a fucking knuckle sandwich to keep the crap up there, big dog. You know the ingredients? My fist hitting your face equals fucking good time. Yeah, threatening somebody with a knuckle.

This guy stinks out loud. Fourth funniest. I don't know why I didn't go through last night. This kind of shit he's running last night. I'll give everybody here a knuckle sandwich. Two pieces of bread. Spicy mayo. Two pieces of bread.

One dude. One dude. You want to go night-night? Clavonics. That was kind of crap. I wish we could bring it up, dude. Where'd you find this? Yeah you're starting to get it Yeah in high school

Yeah that's the ticket It was all like Real True Trapaholic Like Meek Mill Early Rat

Dude back then Or Lil Wayne And that was like The most popular shit When we were in high school That's where I remember Like Lou Williams Used to be a rapper When he was on the Sixers Yeah That was cool most popular shit when we were in high school. That's where I remember Lou Williams used to be a rapper when he was on the Sixers. That was cool, dude.

Deshaun Jackson, didn't he start a rap label? He was like, Jewish people are bad. It was Louis Farrakhan. I remember that. That was crazy. A lot of athletes will throw out one album. They'll get one out there. Kobe had one.

Shaq had like 11. Shaq just played at the Phillies stadium after a game. A lot of athletes will throw out one album. They'll get one out there. Kobe had one for a little bit. Shaq had like 11. Shaq just played at the Phillies stadium after a game. Yeah, dude. That's fucking awesome. DJ Shaq Fu. Or yeah, he was DJ Diesel or some shit. Yeah, these dudes make a little bit of money, and they're like, I'm actually Jewish now.

They're like, I'm the captain now, but it's for Judaism. It's like the Somalian pirate, but for Judaism? Yeah. Oh, shit. Judaism. Judaism. Wow, I'm really crossing myself up here. it's like the Somalian pirate but for Judaism Judaism wow I'm really crossing myself up here much like you did on the court how about Michael Orr you know I didn't dribble

they didn't let me do that how about Michael Orr and his whole who would have saw the Chewy Deweys how about them he sure waited a long time to get this out. Everyone's like, wait, what? Oh, that movie from 25 fucking years ago?

Yeah, he retired from the NFL in 2016. I was like, he's been out of the NFL for seven years. You know, some media or PR manager of his was just like, hey, wait till you write a book. He's just trying to take down Sandra Bullock. Yeah, but I can imagine how he felt. They'll tell them they're making an auto biopic, and they'll be like, we're going to take some creative liberties.

And sometimes they're like, ah, they made me look a little mean. He had to sit down and watch the movie. They made me a fucking retarded guy? Come on, dude. Wait, so what happened? He said that that's just not how it went. So they basically, they just had him sign. Well, first they had him sign over essentially all of his.

He's still in a conservatorship. Oh, he still is? I think they just ended it. I'm also, again, going off of headlines and shit. But he was in a conservatorship, and they basically were just boosters for Ole Miss. So the whole thing was to get him to go to Ole Miss. Oh, my God.

So Ole Miss was potentially always paying him to convince him to go there. Wow. And then they, like, I think they were essentially like acting as his business managers. And then, so they're like, we're going to bank, we're going to invest in this kid, bank on him getting into the NFL and then take a percentage of just him becoming a wealthy person. Even like the kids. The movie, they took everything from the movie.

Yeah. He got like the kids. Both kids got like $250,000 for like their likeness rights essentially. So why is he – like to your point, why is he just now bringing this up? That's what I'm curious about. I'm thinking now it's he – I don't know how he is financially. So if he finally was like, I can't play anymore. I'm not working. I'm entitled finally was like, I can't play anymore. I'm not working.

I'm entitled to more money. I don't know. He's on a press tour for his new book right now. So yeah. This whole thing isn't mentioned in the book. Really?

But he like brought it up. He tried to settle with them. Oh, by the way. Yeah, he tried settling with the family out of court. He wanted 15 million and they told him to go fuck himself and now he's, you know.

Yeah. Imagine getting to the NFL and like that shit happening and then like taking him to court fuck himself and now he's you know yeah imagine getting to the nfl and like that shit happening and then like taking them to court and they're like now like we deserve this like you made it to the fucking nfl and they're like we're gonna keep the 15 even but that whole that whole movie like it was i watched it and it was supposed to be a feel-good story and i remember being like 15 and like this feel this has got to be racist. He was like, what's a bed?

He had to be like, dude, what? I knew what a fucking bed was. A lot of the shit in there, you're supposed to feel nice about it, but it was such a dehumanizing way to show somebody who's had a struggled past. I felt good about it. Sandra Bullock was in the movie. Did you see that shit?

Yeah, beaver teeth bitch. Yeah, I felt myself feeling good a couple times. Yeah, you can't take down Sandy, dude. I'll take down Sandy. You come after Sandy. I'm about to give Sandy the hook, dude. I'm taking her down, brother. In the movie, though, they...

It's all Sandy. Because he's killing kids on the court. There. That's unbelievable. Yeah, can we cut that one? Timestamp. Yeah.

You sold Sandy Hook because he's murdering kids before they're 11. Also that. Thank you. In the movie, though, I remember they try to make it out where Sandra Bullock and the family are being investigated because somebody's like hey are you just using this kid to like try to they're trying to persuade you to go to the school that they want blah blah blah yeah it turns out they were exactly fucking exactly yeah exactly so but they in the movie they make that side of it like oh of course these people

are assholes yeah yeah it turns out they were right they were completely right yeah it's hilarious now too to like to see the actual woman that Sandra Bullock played. And you know that when they sold the story and everything and they're like, oh, actually we're going to have Sandra Bullock play you. She's like, fuck. You're going to get one of the most beautiful women

in Hollywood to just play me. It's probably awesome. You're like, oh yeah, that's not what she looked like. You would want that. They'd be like, hey John yeah, that's not what she looked like. But you would want that. They'd be like, if they're like, hey, John, we're going to have Leonardo DiCaprio play you in a movie. You'd be like, yeah, thank you. I don't know if Leo can capture my essence.

Oh, I think he could. I think he definitely could. Yeah, you guys are the same age. Pretty much. You guys are white. They hate the same age girls Yeah You hate anybody above 24 That's true

Yeah You are dating a 27 year old Yeah You're both in gangs in New York Oh no What It's just a movie Leo was in He's got a list of movies

Titanic That was a good one He does these You're a gay guy You were living inside of a bear He did that in one of his movies Titanic, that was a good one. He does these. You're a gay guy. You were living inside of a bear. He did that in one of his movies. Was he gay and living in the bear? No, but there's a movie where he lived inside of a bear.

I'm saying you live inside of a bear, which is a gay term. It's actually a pretty layered joke. That's why I should have been fourth funniest in Philadelphia. Very good, very good. Leonardo, catch me if you can. I should have seen you keep naming Leo movies. This thing's sinking like the Titanic, fellas.

That was a tough one. I saw the Titanic with my mom and sister, and it was the first time I ever saw boobs on a movie screen. So that was a real... And that's like pretty early into the movie. A lot of people's first boobs. So I just had to sit through the rest of that movie processing that next to my mom and sister for

two hours. The rest of the movie processing this next to my mom and sister. The rest of the movie processing this erection. My mom, I cried when I watched that when I was like five or six. So my mom was like, I knew you're going to be an emotional boy because you cried at the Titanic. Matt was crying at the tits. Why would you show me this?

It's disgusting. Matt, you're 13 now. I couldn't get painted like one of their French girls, but now I cried on it. She was like, I knew you're going to be. I was like,

I didn't, I didn't even know we could die and I had to watch it. You learn finding out in real time. We die. You can freeze to that. I like every pool. I'm fine. Not only you can you die,

you die in water and pools were like my eighth favorite thing at that point. And I was like, what the fuck? Cold one. Oh yeah. Catch a cold pool on a hot day I remember they used to do that thing there was like a they should be doing their ice baths dude yeah true Joe Rogan would be sitting in a Titanic they suck from hitting his pecs that's what happened to that David Goggins watch you carry that boat dumbass I would love to start an internet beef Matt people's in ass. Damn, dude.

I would love to start an internet beef. Matt Peebles and David Goggins. Yeah, I wonder how... What's up, you fucking pussy?

Matt's just in slippers being like, yo, dude, why don't you relax? Yo, shut up, dude. Why are you trying so goddamn hard? Yeah, hold on.

Why don't you chill the fuck out, man? I'm gonna kiss you. I could play one on David Goggs. I'll get him David Gergelin. Can we not have a little fun?

I'm sorry, dude. I was just picturing you blowing a guy, dude. I was doing that last night. What the crud, dude? I thought that was going to happen. You shared a king-sized bed? King-sized bed last night?

It was lovely. You shared a king-sized bed and night? That's right, dude. God damn it. It was lovely. You shared a king-sized bed and didn't even touch each other, dude. Not even close, dude. No? Yeah, dude. Did you build, like, the barrier with the pillows in between? Don't fucking cross us.

You're gay. He was having a diabetic attack or whatever you guys call it. He got out of bed, like, six times, and I was like, he's going to fucking try something on me, dude. I know this one's coming. He's in there fluffing. I know what he's doing. He was expecting me to wake up and just me being over it.

Hey, dude, my blood sugar's low. Could you suck my dick? It works on my wife, Don. It gets the blood flow back to my body again. I'm just going to need you to suck my penis, dude. He's like, so, dude, I was the feature. You did a guest spot. It's kind of how the industry goes.

I was like, it's too early. Yeah, it's not. Please, I, so dude, I was the feature. You did a guest spot. It's kind of how the industry goes. I was like, it's too early. Yeah, it's not. Please, I got to get my lips parsed first. Let me suck down some milkshake, dude.

Dude, if I slurped a vanilla milkshake. I thought that was a good idea. We got a double cheeseburger and a peanut butter milkshake at about 2 a.m. I'm picturing you guys got one milkshake

and you had two straws just sitting in the bed together. Yeah, twirly straws though. With their feet crossed, staring into each other's eyes. Gossiping. I heard Dan's retarded. God, I'm sick of carrying John on this podcast.

They're actually, unfortunately it did. It was kind of that gay because we were talking about like some people we knew and he's like, oh my God, you know her? Apparently she did this. And I was like, what? Oh my God. It god really kind of that i know i i uh forgot about that yeah that is awesome that was something else dude well that'll be uh this patreon content yeah it's the most boring patreon content of all time probably not because it could ruin someone's life yeah true um we won't provide any further detail yeah Yeah, sorry about that one, Jamie Kennedy.

Sorry about that one. It's a prank, dude. Anne Frank, you said? Yeah. Anne Frank. What the hell ever happened to her? Anne Frank, and it's the show prank. They go together and say, you're on Anne Prank.

What if Anne Frank had followed the J.K. Rowling route? If she would have been around long enough, she started hating trans people. I thought you were going to say she was going to be getting to wizards or something. Not grand wizards, that's for sure. Here we go. I don't even know if I could put any of this in there.

She should relate. I mean, she should relate. They both spent a lot of time in a closet at some point. Come on. We're the biggest hacks of all time. Come on, you guys. Yeah, what else do we got? Fourth funniest.

Sorry, do you want to start making fun of everyone's shoes again? That was going real well. Do you want to name some more Leonardo DiCaprio movies? That was crushing. I was talking about TLC a little bit ago.

Last week I was watching when I was in Portugal they had international channels and they had one from Denmark playing this game show. You guys ever seen Naked Attraction? Yes. That is fucking wild. Why is that one from Denmark playing this game show. You guys ever seen Naked Attraction? Yes.

That is fucking wild. Why is that not in America? I watched it. So every time I have to go overseas now for work, like I'm in the military. I know I said overseas. But when I have to travel, it's that. What else would you say?

And like one other show. How'd you get there? It's just so dumb. I flew. Over what? No, we went up over the landmass well there is flat over my dead body no so it was the it's the one where they just show everyone's junk right yeah yeah and not their torso and then they show everyone they like jumble everybody up and they just show the torso

and they gotta go hey guess which dick was which that's the whole show that's the whole fucking show really they stand there live they just stand behind a thing that like moves up and down it'll show them up to their torso with their dick and there's a lady standing out there and she has to choose who to go on a date with yeah so then she's just looking at all these dicks and they're just talking through it out loud she's like uh i don't know about circumcised dicks and welcome back to hung like a horse no they throw some tricks your way it'll be like a hung dude and then like and guess He's Asian. She's like, no. Oh, wow. That's crazy.

Yeah, it's wild. And then they do the same for ladies. They'll just be like, nah, too lippy. Oh, wow. She was talking a lot? Yeah. I hate that they try to show off. They're like, oh, Americans are so scared to look at naked people.

We show people on TV. It's like, shut up, nerds. yeah yeah it makes us scared it's dumb it's like i told you i saw those two naked people when i was in germany just hopped in a stream just a couple midday and i was just a creep watching them a lot yeah i got my looks in really fat no they were like they were like a attractive clothed and then when they took their clothes off, you're like, eh, they're naked. It wasn't like, oh my gosh, look at this fucking naked couple. It was like, eh, they're naked.

You're a voyeur. I'm a full voyeur. Ew. That's a wild, wild thing to say. Look at free. That's where we lose everybody. I just don't know what that would sit to. I'm the fucking best they got, man.

I cook it up like a Peter Pan. You couldn't have sunk more using this work on our posture. You're completely flat, completely horizontal right now. Yeah, you look like me in a turkey cheese ball pit right now, dude. Yeah, this is me in the ball pit. Just being baptized. I think this is gonna

be so funny. Yeah, so we didn't discuss it. So you got asked to leave a few times? Yeah, yeah. I got a little aggressive with the tokens. Whoa, Dan. That's what Dan was on the basketball team. It's not a racial podcast.

We're a serious fucking restaurant run by a mouse over here. It got a little wild. Well, you guys never had a birthday party at McDonald's? Am I the only one? Did you actually? Oh, yeah, dude. There was one out in Medford that had to train outside. I used to go to this all the time. I've been to one. McDonald's birthdays? Yeah, my parents love me.

Oh, wow, dude. I've been to them. Like you go to the play place? The play place. Yeah, they have one on Route 130. Brendan's in there telling you you can't fucking come in the ball pit right now. Two at a time! Why did you wear a lifeguard uniform for that? You had to.

No shirt on. Whistle in the kid's face in the tube. You fart while you're going down and just fucking crop up the entire lap. Dude, a slide fart. Remember a slide fart? How loud those would be coming off the metal? Dude, that's Oppenheimer. You're creating a

nuclear weapon no one of the the twirly slides in mcdonald's you're going down where it's inside and that fucking lingers dude god that's so funny because every kid's like i only know 12 cents this isn't one of them yeah do you ever get hit by static in one of those fucking slides but as you're doing it you just get a fart in the static? Yeah, that's gotta be something different, dude. That's gotta rip. That's hilarious. There's always one kid whose shirt, like, slid up as he was going down the slide. It's that rug

burn, like, the slide burn across his whole back. Oh, fuck! Mom, that hurt! Why did you make me do that? Why is he getting that? Mommy, this hurt! It smells like Duke Wellington in here. Mom, I think there's a guy in the pit. Yo, there's a guy dressed as a lifeguard and he's tooting in the tubes.

Dan's like, I just wanted to see what it was like up here. You definitely got ringworm in that ball pit. It says all ages, you piece of shit. I shut the lights off so I could get in that ball pit. It says all ages, you piece of shit. I shut the lights off so I can get in the ball pit. You call up Mr. E. Cheese. I need to talk to him. Hey, Dr. E. Cheese, attorney at fun. Oh, man.

You know what E stands for? Ernie. Entertainment. Really? Yeah, it's Chuck Entertainment Cheese. Ew. Oh, God, dude. That's got to be folklore what's

david buster's stand for alcoholic uh adults with children i think didn't one of the guys uh dave or buster one of them just offed himself he just busted himself i think david buster's in philadelphia was one of the first times i cursed at my dad because i went there and i was like, and we played the basketball thing. And when I was nine, basketball was the only thing I cared about. And he just whooped my fucking ass. Dude, dads are great at pop a shot. Not.

My dad. Every dad shoots the exact same. Okay. Fundamentals. One inch above, one inch beyond. And I was like, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, old man. But let's go. And I would do it.

And I lost every time. So I lost. And he was like, oh. And I was like, you're talking about old man but let's go and i would do it and i lost every time so i lost and he was like oh and i was like you're a fucking loser he's like you're gonna curse me and you're wrong this is not even pick a better one walk home you fucking dork yeah walk home from columbus boulevard you're a fighter did you guys ever get in a fight with your dad fuck no no he scared the shit out of me just because he had a mustache he wasn't even like a mean guy. It's just that he's scared. Is that why you're growing one? Yeah, trying to be.

True. My kid does not fear me enough. Yeah, dude. I got to intimidate. Dude, Jack, he's been walking around the house laughing. He thinks he's a fucking man, dude. You putting him in check? I'm trying to just let him know, dude, that you better settle down.

You got to fuck his mom. That's great. You better know your place in here. You better settle down with the smiles, you four-month piece of shit. If your kid's giggling and you hit him with, like, what's funny? I'd love to laugh.

You know the tits aren't just for you, bud. Do I amuse you? What am I, a clown? What am I, Ronald McDonald? What am I, in the ball pit? What, have I been there all night? What the hell? I would never, never even got close to fighting my dad.

Arguments, but physical? I shoved back once. Like, we were arguing, and he said something. Like, he didn't, like, shove me. Like, went to grab me. Like, it was like that, like, you're a waste of your time kind of thing. And I shoved him into the fridge. How old was your dad?

Yeah, 150. In my day, we didn't have electricity. Me and my boy, Shack Shoe Swish, will come get you. And I ran out of the house crying. I was like 17, 16. I ran out of the house crying. He's like, where are you going?

I was like, I don't know. He's like, how are you going to get there? I was like, my car. He's like, the one we gave you. I was like, I'm coming back. God damn it, yeah. I stomped up to my room. Seriously, I was 16. I had a car. True. When, the one we gave you. I was like, I'm coming back. God damn it. Yeah. I stomped up to my room at like,

seriously, I was 16, I had a car. True. When your parents hit you with socialism your whole life or they own the means of production,

it's a tough one to get anything out of them. It's tough to get in that fight when you're living under their house because you got to come back. Because everything that has yours.

That's a weird time in life where like, I owned a car, but I also still had the sports banner in my room like, on the wall border. It had, like, all the sports teams and different equipment on it.

Yeah. I still had, like, a small twin bed, but was allowed to drive a car. That's a weird time in life. There's a lot of weird stuff where, like, you're kind of a grown-up, but, like, they're the only ones who have access to your high-yield savings account. Dan had a race car bed until last year. Yeah, I had to get some new treads on it, put a couple new wheels on the puppy there. Yeah, turn that sucker from a Corvette into a Camaro.

Every time you have sex or every time you jerk off, they do the thing where they come and they change the wheels. You have the whole team. You've got the pit crew in there, and I'm trying to finish before they do. Yeah, the pit crew. Dan's like, Rachel, time me. Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up, pick it up. I'm trying to finish before they do? Yeah, it's like the pit crew. Dan's like, Rachel, time me. Pick it up, pick it up,

pick it up, pick it up. I'm going to look like a fucking idiot. How fast was that, Rach? That's your role play. Personal PR.

Dale Jerkhardt Jr., dude. It's a personal bet. Just give me a couple minutes. I've got to take off these Under Armour sneaks. Every time, he's like,

all right, new thing, we're role playing. You're going to be the pit crew again. I'm the captain. And then I'm going to post up on you down low and then I'm going to hit you with a hook shot.

And then we go to bed because I am tired. Dude, if you put a hoop above a marital bed, that's where it's getting interesting. Mid-sex dunking on a girl. Yeah, that's true. Can I borrow that thing? Yeah. Posterize your wife.

Imagine that's Dan's kink. His place getting dunked on by his wife. What's your kink? It's like the 2004 All-Star game. I'm looking for a new dom to fucking dunk all over me. Must be able to complete at least three Vince Carter dunks on me. In a row. Hitting your wife with the honeycomb. Give her the old honey dip.

Marriage is wonderful. He's one of the most athletic dunkers I've ever slept with. Between the legs. Yeah. That's all I did growing up outside was I brought my basketball hoop down to like seven and a half feet. Oh, yeah. And I'd do the fucking cookie jar thing. I can only imagine who.

Break the rim. Every dad's like, fucking Vince Carter, dude. He's paid $1,000. I'm going to go back to Sports Authority again this week. I can't just imagine all the neighbors watching me. Pull up your shorts. Captain Hook's out there tossing some dunks in. Dan had a headband on.

I practiced the hook shot. I got in trouble for spray painting a basketball court in my street. And then since they said we couldn't do that anymore, I had to move it into the driveway. They wouldn't allow basketball courts. Where were your parents when you were doing all this shit, dude? Spray painting the street, spray painting into a paper bag. How did you get to the point where you had spray paint and, like, were, like, that your parents, you fully did a whole outline before your parents were like, yeah, what the fuck?

Check this out. We got a half court. We can play a fucking five on five here. Your parents are really, like, it's the shittiest Home Alone movie of all time. They're at the airport and you're like, Kevin, and you're like, Garnett. It was a total latchkey kid dude they're just in your house looking out going no one's ever gonna play with them they left him out of the barbecue let him let him fucking make his own court i wouldn't get

invited to the barbecue and instead i'd play at my house by myself on two different teams i don't even care i got my own court at home. You were still the sixth man. You're just sitting next to the court watching. The speech at your wedding, they're like, we did our jobs. We kept you away from AR-15. We did everything we needed to do. We protected those kids in your class. Yeah, it could have been much worse.

Could have been shooting from deep in a whole different way. You beat it. You definitely beat it. You beat childhood school shootery. He was headed down a dark path. different way. Yeah, you beat it. You definitely beat it. You beat childhood school shootery. He was headed down a dark path. If you do it as an adult, you get type two shootery. I would actually do that. You guys didn't do this too?

You didn't play against yourself on two different teams by yourself on a basketball court? Oh, yeah. I had a whole bracket and I'd be like, all right, now I'm the Knicks versus the Kings. Well, that's different. That's kind of sad. Yeah, we've all pretended. We didn't go as far as to have a spreadsheet. I had a bracket.

I took a quarter. That's where the diagnosis comes in. I might be schizophrenic, it seems. You're doing post-game interviews in your front yard. I really took myself to the post a couple times there. Yeah, Dan, we're going to take you to the doctor, and he's like, Dr. J? For some reason, I talked with that lisp.

Dr. J? You didn't even need it. You adopted it. I love Dr. J. Yeah, you're the bane of autism. I was merely born into it. You adopted the darkness. I was born every time.

Yeah, I could be the best. Could be. That's fucking crazy, dude. I played basketball growing up. I didn't do any of that crap. I was actually out there doing it. Oh, you were taking it seriously. I used to get fucking...

Were you a fat kid, you said? No, I was skinny fat, but I was long. I was long and hard. And I would always just... Playing basketball sucked because I would be like eight years old and I was skinny fat, but I was long. I was long and hard. And I would always just – playing basketball sucked because I would be like eight years old, and I was like fucking six foot. So every game I played, they'd be like, he's a fucking grown-up, dude. He shouldn't be allowed to play.

And I'm like, I don't think I am. I remember games where like one time I hit a layup, and there was like just dudes sitting at like the bottom because they just had the movable rims. So they would have this big like banister thing at the bottom. There was two dudes sitting there, and I hit a layup, andable rims so they would have this big like banister thing at the bottom there's two dudes sitting there and i hit a lap and these two guys were like you're fucking 15 years old i swear to god and i was like eight and then i remember i had like in my head i was like are they saying that because they think i'm good

or are they saying that because i'm huge and it was the huge thing yeah you're 15 you still suck but you just look old yeah we want to know when we can beat the shit out of you. You should be scoring more points. When they feed this kid. Yeah, fucking pussy. They just had Matt down on the block just doing form layups. They always took like that one kid that grew way earlier than everybody else, and they just stuck him on the block. Yeah.

We had one kid like that who was like six foot in like the fourth grade and he was so unathletic. They'd sit him under the block and he'd shoot it over the backboard. Yeah. For years. Oh, it's a waste. Every time you see a tall kid that can't be good at basketball, you're like, dude, there's still like every couple of years it'll be somebody they pluck out of like a foreign

country. It's never played before, but they're like, you're just so tall. We have to just invest in you and see if we can make this work. And you look at it, you're like, there's a dude I keep seeing on Instagram now.

He looks like he's got every weird syndrome that can make you too tall. Yeah. And he's like, his arms are as long as he is tall. Cooper Flagg, is it?

Maybe, I don't know. That dude's fucking... We were talking about him. Yeah, he's nasty. Is he going to be good? He's already incredible. But he he's not it can't be who you're talking about he's not like freakish no this guy looks like a freak okay yeah he might not make it to college age wise true i don't know did you guys remember that kenny george guy that played for unc ashville college basketball remember tyler hansborough dunked on him this guy was seven nine i think

he said oh remember that that was somebody that was purely so unathletic but was just big and he was just seven foot nine yeah didn't have to do anything yeah tyler hansborough this fucking guy i hated him on unc but um that one play i mean he just drove down the lane on this guy and just two-handed dunk balls in the face guys guys just standing there. His elbows could touch the rim without him jumping. It was fucking ridiculous. You get so big like that, those guys literally can't even get off the ground. It's so much weight that they have to move.

Because by the time you tell your arm to move somewhere, it takes so long to send the message to your hand. Everyone's already passed you. Genuinely, that's actually part of it. I remember the tallest guy of all time, I think he was like eight-something. I remember I was like 10 and I was reading, it was like the Guinness World Record book.

We'd have reading time and then one of the, if you could get the Guinness World Record book during reading time, you were set because it was actually interesting and I remember I had gone to the doctors not long before

and they were like, oh yeah, he's in like the 90 percentile for height in his age. So I remember reading that and they were like, because he was so tall, he actually died when he was like 31 and I remember being like oh my god i'm gonna die so

fucking soon dude i was like i'm gonna live till i'm 150 i'm gonna be the new mr guinness writing about all these records who's the the best like the tallest best basketball player like yaoming yeah i think there's some guys that were the tallest. Who was the most productive tall man? It's Yao Ming. Manu Bull was the tallest. He was little. He was like 6'9".

Was he really? Yao Ming was 7'5", 7'6". That was actually his fucking parents at the CCP. I don't know if this is true but I've heard that they just took the two tallest people and kind of were like

you have to have a kid because they were trying to build up the league or whatever program there and then that's where he came from

and he's big yeah dude what about the dude in the league now that has he definitely has like giantism or whatever

like he's Taco Fall no that's another good example though Boban Marjanovic yeah he's... Taco Fall? No. That's another good example, though. Boban Marjanovic? Yes. Yeah, he's a hideous-looking guy. How tall is he?

Is he like a George Morrison kind of guy? He's like 7'5", probably. He was super huge, right? George Morrison? Is he pretty good? He's out of the league now. He had, like, a productive... He's one of these guys,

and this is the perfect thing, where they do these things, like, per 48 minutes, how productive you are. And per 48 minutes, he was the most productive player in NBA history because he would only play like six minutes a game and just go in, dunk, do a hook shot, and then he would block a shot. And they were like, damn.

But he couldn't play longer than that because he'd fucking die on the court. Yeah. Oh, my God, dude. He's hitting. Dude, he has like a five-foot-two girlfriend, and he would post pictures on his Instagram. That's always the case, right? Shaq had a super tiny wife,

and then she came in when they got divorced, and she was like, his dick's just normal. No, she's got to say that. As soon as they were divorced, she's like, it's just a normal dick. It's like a normal spit roast, everything you've been to. It goes in here, and it comes out of my mouth. You know how that goes. But also, her idea of a normal dick is probably still enormous.

True. I wonder why I say that. There's no way. He's got a type. Did you see Michael Jordan's son is marrying Scottie Pippen's ex-wife? Oh, my God, dude. What the fuck? Everyone keeps showing up.

They're like, and Jordan Pippen get a 6'3". Yeah, 7'3". 7'3". Scottie Pippen, when you watch that, they did not do him any favors in that Jordan documentary. No. Man, does he sound like a bumbling idiot the whole time they told me i'd have two million dollars and i said okay yeah sure he got so far as long as your son don't fuck my wife and then every time they would just cut the jordan with a talking head like this guy's a fucking moron dude his bright yellow eyes oh

he has alcoholic eyes dude his whiskey papers there a whiskey glass mansion behind him? Yeah. Dude, has Jordan come out and said anything about the fact that his son is... Is he like... Yeah, he advised against it. He told him not to, yeah. There's like a thing that came out not long ago that it was like, you cannot. Damn, dude. They've been manhandling Scotty

Pippen, dude. Future. How much more can you disrespect this guy? Like, he was your number two all these years. They hate been manhandling Scottie Pippen, dude. Future. How much more can you disrespect this guy? He was your number two all these years. They hate each other, don't they? I think Scottie hates him now, yeah. But I'm saying then they didn't get along. No, because he probably could just trick them so often. He just kept getting fooled.

He was in practice, and he's like, my son's going to fuck your wife one day. It was like the South Park, like Mimsy and whatever. We're going to win six championships. You and I? I don't know. Not if they would have played during Hakeem's years, but we don't have to get into that, dude. I just love Jordan's done a good job of leaning into everything.

They're like, he's a degenerate gambler. And he's just like, yup, that's it. Nobody's mad. He's like, yeah, I'm also stupid rich. Yeah, he does a really good job of kind of staying out of the spotlight for how famous he is. Yeah, his name is on everyone's clothing, but he still is like

he pops up once a year. He's like the groundhog. He would be like the best politician, dude. He just like somehow constantly people swing at him. He just remains like that. That's what I want from a politician. You almost forget that he's the president.

You're like, who the fuck? All right, Michael Jordan's the president. I haven't heard from him in a a while his slogan republicans wear shoes too nobody said that when they're like you know people are uh that was like dude even in that documentary he was like so many people were pushing me to um uh advocate for this politician he was like i just don't want to fucking get involved dude yeah he was like stop it like i i'd like to play basketball yeah i don't want to do any of this other shit. That's what I think the country actually is. The country

is more of, I don't fucking care, man. Then let's burn everything down from the left or the right. Yeah, but that's because they have us under their thumb, guys, and we're the four guys who can change this. Guys, right now, if we make a pact to vote.

Once. We all are going to vote. Between the four of us, one of us pact to vote. Once. We all are going to vote. Between the four of us, one of us has to vote. The first step is registering. When it's easiest for us. We put in one vote. This is actually from me, John, and Dan. If you could just count that as four. That's so funny that they have the mail-in votes

as if mailing shit's going to... I've never mailed anything in my life. The idea, they're like, well, if you won't vote, how about you do something archaic from the 1930s? Will that make you do it? How about the female in vote? Am I right, fellas?

Hey, guys, that's what I'm screaming at the top of my lungs in the back of a 7-Eleven with a gun. Let's let a lady get in here. Yeah, speaking of which, Matt, is your girlfriend still locked in the closet? She's got ice slide food under there. I poke holes in the ceiling

so she can breathe. She's good. She likes it in there. She's got her string. She sits there with it. Can I come out now? He's the funniest. He's so much funnier than that.

He's definitely going to make it. I did it. That'd be so sick. My girlfriend just plotting to kill all my funny friends. That's how my girlfriend will make me Philly's funniest. Go on an assassination. Philly's only history. Yeah, Drew.

I still wouldn't get a spot. There's no one to do crowd work. Just go to healing. It's all magicians now. That'd be something special. I'm excited for the Little League World Series. You guys watching this? Yeah, Delco's out Yeah, dude

I saw Delco's out, Philly's not in anymore Can you imagine one of the kids of the Little League World Series started fucking Scottie Pippen's wife What's your favorite thing to do outside of school? Fuck Scottie Pippen's wife Read those weird fun facts that they always give him. One kid every now and then says something pretty fucking insane.

I would hope it'd be fucking Scottie Pippen's wife. Scottie's just like, God damn it. I don't like that they keep showing the kid's height and weight. That freaks me out a little bit. Because it's like, he's 5'1", 130. He's a big boy. It's like, okay, that's weird. I don't want to visualize this kid's size.

Yeah. You start grouping them in husky. Yeah. Just fat kids. Here's a little one. Some of them are pretty ridiculous, though. It's like this kid's 13, and he's 6'1", 215. Dude, yeah.

At that age, you get some kid that just hit puberty super early, and he's just like, oh, I'm going to pitch now. And then he's thrown into a kid who is still like 3'4", 90 pounds, just blowing it by him. You're like, this can't be. And we're watching this? We're gambling on this? Come on.

Well, whatever happened to the Philly team with the girl who was the pitcher? I think she's a college basketball player now. I remember they offered her at the time of that a UConn women's basketball scholarship or something. I don't know if they ever held up to that or not. I'm surprised you didn't follow up on that story.

It's not South Jersey related. It's across the river. It's out of Dan's jurisdiction. I forget the name of the girl, but yeah. I remember they... But I got some pictures here. I've got some screenshots I'm willing to share with you. This is her in Sea Isles.

She fucking fills that suit out, huh? She's actually a communication major. Yeah. It's weird. She barely locks her car, so you can get in and out of there with not a lot of trouble. Dude, this was... That's hilarious. It's almost like she wants me to watch.

Nah, yeah, so... God, I hope that girl is in college. Yeah, she might be at Drexel actually if we're thinking about it. We won? We won, Skeet? Oh, is that what we were talking about? What do you fellas got coming up?

I got my first feature weekend. Oh, yeah? Featuring for the handsome bad boy, Matthew Broussard at Helium this Friday, and then Buffalo on Saturday. That'll be pretty sick. Nice. Hitting the road. Road dog.

Buffalo Bills up there. Yeah, dude. We got to drive to Buffalo, though. That's going to fucking suck. Scariest part is trying to make conversation and not seeming like a dork. That's got to be the most intimidating. You got six hours to make you like me. Oh, wow.

That's scary. You can get to hour three and he likes you. And then by hour five, you're like, fuck, I backtracked a little bit. By the end of the trip, this guy's going to fucking hate me. Oh, yeah. Like this guy. He just keeps going to the diabetic shock in my car,

I don't know. The Buffalo smells like cereal, so have fun up there. Really? Yeah. What? What the fuck?

We should leave it at that. There's a big cereal factory there and the whole fucking city smells like cereal. Has anyone been to the Buffalo Helium before?

I've seen pictures, it looks cool. Yeah, I've heard a lot of comics just talk about it. They seem to like it. I've got to imagine it's probably good up there because what else is there

to do in Buffalo besides see the football games? Right. Right. I did comedy at the Carlson, which is in Rochester, not too far, and the Bills are playing

that night and fucking nobody came to the show. Dude, can you just Bills Mafia and go through a table halfway through your set? Just go through the front row?

I think you have to. If the opener doesn't do that, I'm stealing it you bring your own table up yeah we'll get to this guys that's actually crush if you went up on stage and drug a table up there and didn't address it the whole time they're just like he's gonna fucking do it he's gonna jump yeah i don't know when matt presard's like i finally like him now yeah oh i get Hey, does this smell like cereal in here? Oh, God. What about you, Daniel? Anything else there, you

fucking guy? Oh, yeah, I got that, and then we got the re-up show coming up September 9th, Saturday,

so we got some, you know, this will probably be out before then. So buy your tickets to that. Yeah, South Jersey, Hatton

Township, 40 or 50 tickets. We'll probably sell it out. So get them now. Are any of you guys on that? No. We don't know the booker. Who runs that show? Did the first one.

You told me to go fuck myself. Johnny Boy lit it up, dude. What about you, Daniel-san? I'll be in the Outer Banks next week trying to kill myself. So if anybody is going to be down there and wants to link up, throw some, get our rods wet down on the surf, let me know. Yeah, let's go get our rods wet. Let's get our rods wet. That's what I tell my wife when I go out.

Really? Yeah. And what does she say? She just knows that's what I mean when I say I'm going fishing. You guys want to go fishing sometime? Me and Cody Wright need to be going fishing. We're going to get our rods wet. All right.

I'll be in the Outer Banks next week. And then just listen to his vacations. He has coming up. I'm going to the fucking Outer Banks, baby. Oh, man. Dan is in another world right now. Oh, man. How about you John What fucking garbage show do you have dude John's like

I'm going to be roasting somebody in this garage Next Tuesday I'll have you know I just turned down a roast battle Thank you very much Roast king dude I can't drive to the Poconos that weekend. Roast Master Montag, baby. No, I got Liberty Point Show for Comedy on the Crick coming up.

Come out. That's an awesome venue that nobody came to last time. Oh, is that the 21st? Yeah. Oh, I'm hosting that. Nice. All right. That's a fun one.

Yeah, September 21st. Other than that, I got nothing. Swag. The 25th, I got nothing. Swag. The 25th, I'll be doing a roast battle in Philadelphia at Jester's Castle. And then one week later, I'll be doing that roast battle again, but at the Philly Comedy Festival, I believe. That might be true. Oh, dude, I definitely want to go and watch that.

Yeah, we should all just go hang. I think they're doing that. They said it might be. I don't know if I'm not supposed to talk. I can't imagine that would matter. But, yeah, so we'll be doing it back-to-back September 16th, doing a house show somewhere. I don't know where it's at, but it should be fun.

And then we're just going to keep it going, man. We'll just keep this comedy thing. We're going to put our rods in the Stewart, and we're going to put our pedal to the metal. In the Stewart? And be sure to get on the internet. Unsubscribe from South Jersey Bad Boys. Follow me and John and Jay.

Follow Zach. Follow Zach, my roommate. Three, two, one. Thanks for watching!