That Rules Podcast - Episode #93: Chris Wood “Oral Presentations”

Episode Date: September 20, 2023

We got the best dude you know on the cast. Chris Wood, host of Oral Presentations, joins us on the couch for some quality tomfoolery.

Let's keep shitting on Pete Davidson. I think today is the best day to shit on Pete Davidson, to be totally honest with you. Maybe we skip today and start again tomorrow. George Bush did that to him in 2001. What a hot start for that one, dude. You're a crazy type of guy. You're the one

that wanted to talk it. I don't know. We got Chris Wood on the couch. We're talking 9-11. Thank you for having me. Thanks for coming, man. Thanks for coming on.

You did the show on Saturday on late notice. It was fucking incredible. For the listener that isn't familiar with Chris Wood, Chris had a podcast called Oral Presentations. I'll let you give the rundown on what it was.

What it is still, right? Like you're still doing it, right? Yeah, I've got to stop the public episodes to get my shit together, but we did a live show on Saturday. So it's just low-pressure learning, but the live show is that you get five comics and make them explain something to an audience. And so I had a late drop, and you have to make slides for the show.

And I saw you on Sunday at the Philly Comedy Fest. And you had like, I don't know, good energy to you, but it was weird. I never see you. And so then it got to like Thursday. I was like, I'm going to text Montag. Fuck it, he'll do it. If he does it, he'll do a good job. And so you showed up.

The wife and kids understood. Yeah. It led to a fight because true to form for myself, you asked me on Thursday and I was like, yes, Thursday night, I'm going to sit down

and bang out these slides and then I fell asleep on the couch and then neglected work and I was like, I'm going to definitely knock these slides out on Friday. Fell asleep on the couch again Friday night

and then Saturday morning had the, oh fuck, I got to bang these out. But I think I've lived my entire life I could feel the panic in the text messages from you you're like dude check out the slides oh really yeah I was like fuck dude I got oral presentations and he was like that's awesome I was like I'm gonna do the slides right now

and then I was like I'll get around to them did you do the headers or anything or did you leave it totally blank anxiety time I did like i did an outline of my phone uh okay of just like slide that's something to go back to so i did have that i was impressed i woke up like i was i did that half asleep i think i do my best work half asleep yeah i've woken up to so many i feel i wrote my dad's eulogy while that was i was hammered but i wrote his eulogy and woke up and just read it and I was like, oh, shit.

I'm the coolest sleepy guy of all time. I should drink whiskey more often. You start drinking it again. I woke up on the porch. That was dark times. You wrote your dad's eulogy, blacked out, and woke up outside? Actually, I blacked out. That's how Hemingway did most shit. That's how Hemingway wrote all of his dad's eulogies.

And he was gay, too, no? Was he the one who was gay? Probably. I think all writers are gay at some point, right? He's died long enough ago that we can say he's gay. Which one was gay? One of them was gay. I think Wally Witts, Walt Whitman might have been gay. Walt Whitman was gay. Might be.

Yeah. Blades of grass. Walt Whitman's buried in that cemetery in Camden over there. That one's on me for the Hemingway. But as you were saying, the oral presentations are going together. Yes, oral presentations. So did you decide on 10 slides before you started, or did you? Because you ended up with 10 slides

where like Dal Carlo came with like 41. Yeah. Somebody else came with 10 though. But it was 41 slides that he's had for seven years, right?

Yeah. And he didn't remember that he had 41 slides. He sent it to me the day of. He did it not to spoil but like he did

and I think Jake filmed it too. So there's like good footage of this. I'm hoping. Oh yeah, but don't give it away because he might do it again. Okay, I think Jake filmed it, too. So there's good footage of this, I'm hoping. Oh, yeah, but don't give it away, because he might do it again. Okay, I won't give it away.

Fuck. I mean, today of all days, if you do see it, think of what today is. It's the punchline. I don't know. Sorry. I'm just... Okay, bro. It was a 9-11 thing.

But he did show up with... Yeah, yeah. Because that was like... His present... So Del Calo gave his presentation and the video at the end, which was like the literal punctuation mark on the whole set, wouldn't play. Nobody liked it?

No, it wouldn't play. As in it wouldn't. Oh, shit. I thought you meant it's soft. I was like, what a dick thing to say. And the computer said, they got on the God mic, and they were like, it doesn't say play because this is a picture. He's like, it's got to be a video.

It just has to be. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, Del Calo was fourth in the lineup. So it was rainy after him and then I was going to do a short one to finish it up. And Del Calo did have, I knew he had media on his first slide and his seventh slide. But I was transferring it to Google Slides that day, like three hours before the show. So I didn't check the rest of them. They all look like pictures.

I was like, fuck it, he's fine. His last one is a video that you need for it to hit. And so then I'm watching the show as Del Calo's up there. And I remember what it was and I know I didn't import it. Because they did this at Good Good like six, seven years ago. Yeah, like a long time ago. But yeah, same thing. So I see John and he's yelling at the sound booth

and I can't help him. And I just let him die. I'm just sitting there watching him. Like if I talk, it makes it worse. John's been doing this for a while. You really did. It was like you had two kids and one of them's about to get hit by a car.

And you're like, all right, well, I can either go yell at someone at helium and not get this show here ever again. Or I can just let my other kid fucking get wiped out on the highway so but i know he's got strong bones you know i knew john's got strong bones in that analogy let him take a hit from a right he knows the role yeah he's gonna walk a little weird for years but you know pelvis is fucked up but yeah i was watching that happen i knew the sound i didn't uh afterwards i got told that the sound booth girl,

it was like her first time doing sound. Oh, wow. Anything. And I was impressed with that. That's when you want to throw somebody on their first time. I was impressed because she went back and forth with John and it didn't really miss. The audience was still into it. Oh, yeah.

And I was watching the train wreck happen that I caused. The train wreck was crushing throughout. Like he rode the wave of videos not playing very well. He had like six videos that I imported to him. But the first two worked, and I was like, come on, wrap it up, wrap it up. The one that did work, so it won't give away anything, but he did his presentation on Entourage.

The one that did work was he played the entire minute and 30-second long intro to Entourage and just had the whole crowd sit and listen to it. When I imported that, I couldn't believe that worked. It was like an hour or a minute and a half. You could see everyone's faces.

He's not going to let it go all the way to the oh yeah. He started dancing though. He really loves it. That's why it worked. It wasn't bullshit. He was like, ah, yeah. The other videos, it was just like a blank thing up there that wouldn't... No, he would start yelling at the sound booth.

I'm watching all of it. I was like, oh, fuck, dude, that's gotta be it. I know the last was a video, but they kept going back and forth. So then in between, I came out and copped it. It was my fault. Let the audience know. Let the sound booth know. So the club didn't get made. But then Rainy went up, and then in the in-between, Del between del colo was like fuck you i'm gonna get him to play that video

i was like if you can get him to load that video up in time that's fine i'll bring you out with me and then we'll finish the show like that so in rainy's like 12 minutes del colo made it work they sent it to the sound booth sound booth put it up and then i brought him out on stage which was such a gamble because it was literally not if you knew what it was I knew no no knowing what it was but not knowing well I found out right before so I mean leaned over from the back I think Jake leaned over and told me what we're waiting for yeah and I will tell you afterwards not to ruin the joke but I was the video intentionally shitty and it was like not worth getting up or was it no the video was so worth

getting up okay so good the lead is like was so worth getting up oh it's great it's so good the lead in's like almost too long that you think it's gonna suck hard but it was like it really works Chris did such a great job of setting up the show

saying like alright you guys are gonna see me and then I'm gonna come back up and wrap it up and then we're gonna be done so once he came up again everyone in their mind is like this is over

and then Del Calo walks out it's like it's not fucking over that's so sick that'd be like if the feature forgot a joke and at the end of the headliner set he's like this is actually what i wanted to say in the middle part actually guys there's this tag on that third joke but i felt like it was my fault

anyway and the audience would go with it and i knew what it was right probably gonna work yes all right let's risk it yeah true yeah it did it was like the perfect little bow and but it was it all kind of the fun part of that show is i realize it's almost like the worse your stuff goes, the better it can be. Because the whole idea of it is it's a bunch of idiots telling a story or teaching a crowd of people something. Yeah, it's at the 430 slot, too. I picked that matinee slot. I want expectations like, yo, these people are not really teachers. They are going to try to explain something they love.

I was thinking about that. There had to have been at least one couple in the crowd that it was their first time ever going to a comedy club and the next day at work, they were just like, so you went to Helium? How was it? They're just like, man, comedy is different when you go in person. I don't know what that was. Do you know that there's

slideshows? There's presentations? Just all forms of Microsoft Office. It makes me want a slideshow during my comedy now. Because you said it. It's like driving a... What was your analogy you used? It's like driving a car where you can't find the gear. Yeah, it's like the gears are sticking and you don't know what's going on.

It's kind of slushy out anyway. You can't really gauge it, but it's fun. And then every once in a while, it would catch. That sounds terrifying. Yeah, but you're also in a green room with everybody else who's doing the show who's never done it before. So there is a strange camaraderie of like, how the fuck was that? Is this all right?

It was, yeah. Let's go. That fucking rules. It was a fun, and I was glad I went first. I was glad things went good enough that I was like, and good night. And I got a laugh and an applause. And then I just felt so much relief that I was like, I don't have to give a slideshow presentation again forever.

And then you get to watch the show, too. And then I got to watch the show too. And then I got to just sit back. And root for people. Like, go for it. Here it goes. It was awesome. Because you would get laughs at moments where... Because I did the slides that morning,

I forgot what most of the things next were. So I just said to the crowd, I was like, hey, I'm seeing these for the first time too, guys. So bear with me. And it would get a laugh on something. I was like, oh yeah, I did put a funny picture right there or like you could get like extra laughs off of just putting good stuff on a slide dude you sent it to me and i saw it and i said this is good sending it to you good crud made me so nervous because sending it with no context around it and you just had to click

through the shit my brain came up with i had to figure out how i was like i had i had most of the other people's already and i knew that it like what it looked like the visual of it looked different from everybody else and yeah from mine so i figured it would play and then like there's a lot of information on it so i was psyched yeah there's a lot of information without a fact yeah but it wasn't like bolded reading because that would have been yeah that would have been death right so it was a lot to look at. Yeah. Fuck yeah, dude. Last minute comedy is my new favorite thing. Doing a half day.

Four-thirty comedy with a slideshow. And then, yeah, I stuck around for the, I was telling you guys, for the two. Yeah, how did that go? I got two guest sets. It was fucking incredible. Busy body. It was Scott Cease. Great comic.

He's the Ikea guy listener. If you guys have seen him on TikTok, he's very famous in the last couple of years for that. So he's touring like all over the place. And I started comedy kind of with him out in Harrisburg. Yeah. So like when Chris's show ended, we were hanging out at the bar and I was like, I just want to go pop in and say hi to Scott. And I did like in the back of my head, I was like, it'd be cool if he was like, hey. And I just like leaned in real quick and I was like, hey, man.

And he almost gave me a look like, yeah, we're going to get chicken fingers and nachos. He thought I was a server or somebody coming in. Because I haven't seen him in years. But if it was a movie, he'd be like, dude, I'd love to give you a spot, but we need a guy with a slideshow. It's actually fucking hilarious. You mentioned that guy.

He's probably on autopilot too. He's probably not looking for familiar faces. I haven't seen him in person in five years, probably. So it was like, yeah, probably five, almost six years ago. So once he did realize it, we just caught up. And he was like, you want to stick around and do the early show? And he did say just the early show. I was like, dude, if you bomb, I can't promise you.

Can't promise the second one. I can't help you. I was like, all right, cool. Yeah, so I did that. And it was awesome, dude. It was sold out for the 7 o'clock. Everyone was hammered drunk. So he does everything work-related.

So people go there. One of the first things they'll do is, anybody quit their job recently? And this girl in the back, she goes, today! And everyone looks over. She's hanging on for dear life on this bar stool in the back of Helio, like the high stools.

And he's like oh where did you work and she's like lululemon and then everyone really turns around they're like all right well now we really gotta get a look at her so the entire audience just staring at her and she just froze up and as soon as they turned back she just started like leaning to the side almost fell off oh no she made it through the whole show but i was like if you if you did just quit your job that's what you should that's the state you should be at. Yeah, get half. 7.30 on a Saturday. You have to, yeah. That's the best way to do it.

100%. Was doing straight stand-up after you did OP, going back to regular stand-up, was it nicer? It was. I felt so much more comfortable in my material that I know. You know what I mean? Yeah, you got a boost from it of at least not dealing with all that bullshit. It's like if you went and did a bar show and bounced over to a mic or to another show. Yeah.

How that second set, if the first one went good, you're like, all right, I'm happy. I'm ready to go. True. I usually feels better. It was like that times 10 because the whole show like ripped the whole time. Fantastic. And it was a good hang afterwards that I was in a good spirit, except for when I had to continually text my wife. And I was like, hey, I'm not coming home.

Yeah, she had to be pumped. And then again, I was like, hey, well, she was mad because she loves Scott C's too. Because when I started comedy, she would come out to the mics. We would quote his jokes in our house because he had two really good bits that he would crush with. And we'd always quote them. He threw them in his set too. And I think he threw them in just for me. He gave a nod to the side. Dan, dude, you might be able threw him in his set too and i think he threw him in just for me he gave like a nod to the side dan do you i was like that feels pretty cool yeah be able to get

in his little panerones you think you have feelings i'll be kissed i think if you saw you do well yeah i think you definitely have a chance scott i'm just kidding if you're ever back in the area you're not watching this what am i doing also shout out to your wife a trooper you stayed out till midnight and you had to do slides two two days before. True. Well done, dude. She put up a lot. It caused the argument Saturday morning when I was on the couch. I was like, hey, give me like 30 minutes. I'll knock these slides out.

I'll be ready to go. And like two hours later, she was like, hey, it's Saturday morning. Your family wants to do things. And I was like, you don't understand the pressure I'm under right now. I was like, Chris needs this. Thank you. She knows comedy well. Ye was like, Chris needs this. Thank you. She knows comedy well enough. Yell at your wife for me.

Thank you. I told her, I said, Chris is going to come here and hit you if you keep this up. It's important. It's a 4.30 show. Yeah, no, but it was great. Yeah, I was saying, she knows comedy well enough that she's not going to hit you with like,

wow, three shows at Helium. How much did you make? Oh, yeah. No, there's no chance. I had four Diet Cokes. Well, the experience was very valuable. It was totally valuable. Well, that's the beauty of not drinking.

I didn't spend like any money. I was starving, and I was sitting in the green room, and I didn't want to order from the waitress because I'm the five-minute guest. That would be crazy. You know what I mean? So I just sat there and starved because I think I ate like a

Clif Bar on the way into oral presentations. And then I didn't eat anything in between the two. I had a good Wendy's run though. As a son of Baconator. You should have gotten in the green room and wrote your name on the whiteboard. Where it's like, welcome Tyler and Scott. And now John too, also please.

Why is it in permanent marker? I fucked up, right? It's in barbecue sauce. That's a hell of a Saturday. It was a great Saturday. Yeah, followed by a very sleepy Sunday. But I got through it. Now I'm here.

Yeah, dude. It's good to be here. It is good to be here. We haven't potted. Ew, I just said potted. We haven't recorded a podcast in two weeks. I just did a hot turd of a podcast. We did our buddy's podcast on Saturday.

Not their pod. I did a hot turd. Okay.. We did our buddy's podcast on Saturday. Not their pod. I did a hot turd. Okay. I don't know. I mean, you've been on pods. You ever just get done and you're like, what the fuck was that for an hour straight? I try to never do them. Really?

I try to fucking. Dude, yeah. I try to do my own and then maybe some others if I got some shit going on. Yeah, true. Like, Montag hit me up and he did me a favor. I was like, yeah, hell yeah. I'll come out to this. I appreciate it.

Let's go, dude. But yeah, what do you. It was just our buddies have a podcast. I went over there the night before I was at the Phillies game and then Xfinity after and it hurt. You dragging? Dude, I was dying. So we get there and it's just like you're trying to formulate thoughts and it just becomes like they talk about something

and you're like, oh yes, of course. Without anything to add. I must have done that four times in a row. Did you catch yourself doing it while you're doing it? Well, it's the ones where you're like not even listening anymore. You're just, oh, yes, of course. Without anything to add. I must have done that four times in a row. Did you catch yourself doing it while you're doing it? Well, it's the ones where you're not even listening anymore. You're just trying to think of something. So it makes it even worse because you're not actually present for it. Terrible panic.

Luckily, they're my friends. So at the end, I'm like, I'm a fucking loser, guys. I'm sorry. And they're like, that was not good, dude. Were you hungover going into it? I was starting to recover. How was your chemistry going in? It was good.

And again, like I said, they're our buddies. And I saw Johnny's slideshow beforehand, so I was like, dude, anything's possible. Yeah, good. Anything's possible. That's why the first half hour

was a hell of a day. This moron could put this together in one morning? I had the power of PowerPoint in my head for the first 30 minutes and then I totally lost at the second half. It was just like,

the stuff I was, I had to hit him up too because I couldn't think of anything. So I was like, I'll just be outlandish, which just resulted to the next day I had to hit him up too because I couldn't think of anything so I was like, I'll just be outlandish which just resulted to the next day I had to text him

and be like, can you take that out? That was stupid. Sorry. That's a terrible feeling. Yeah, that drive home anxiety of you're like,

what did I just say? Not even the drive home, dude. I spent 15 minutes driving through a monsoon so I was like driving my girlfriend's car through fucking flooding

but it wasn't that bad actually, dude. That was kind of funny. Did you go caffeine before? Who's that? Did you go caffeine before? Too much caffeine. That'll do it.

That'll do it, dude. Yeah. Way too much. I doubled up on a monster. Two for five. And then you're just sitting there with your own thoughts. Oh, God. And they're on fucking, they're just cramming in my head, dude.

It was a total nightmare. You're a rocket ship. Yeah, it was tough, dude. But then I had Chick-fil-A and I was like, all right. I settled down with some buffalo sauce and some nuggies.

That's what you got. Yeah, you got to balance that. You got to have like a heavy, greasy meal and an energy drink. So they're like, the two do battle and you ride that

like sweet middle ground. It's like taking just a little bit of NyQuil and not falling asleep and you're like, I feel like the greatest person on earth right now. Oh, that's a hack, dude.

Yeah, that is a hack. You feel smart. Yeah, you feel like a genius. You're not. The world slows down. You're not. Dude, you're like i feel like the greatest person on earth that's a hack dude yeah that's a good you feel smart yeah you feel like a genius you're not world slows down you're limitless you're limitless oh dude i was so limited but then i had three peach white claws and then i was limitless again i was back on the grind and then we did this show peach now yeah they did i got it's a new flavor it says new flavor on the box and i said let me scoop these bad boys up and they tasted bad tastes Tasted like perfume. They hurt. I was hungover again on Sunday.

Oh, it's like passion fruit? It's literally peach, which is nuts. It's one of the 11 worst tasting things I've ever had. Peach had a good run, though. Wawa really took advantage of peach for a while. The iced tea. Yeah, the iced teas were huge. Peach rings.

Dude, they have pineapple lemonade i was like this is the collapse of society too much we're gonna be so much shorter it's unbelievable the one bottle is like 424 grams yeah drink it you have diabetes yeah yeah that was crazy pineapple lemonade yeah dude what's like the you remember ever getting things at wawa and knowing that the cashier is judging you? And if so, what was that? The bacon-wrapped cheese dog that they used to sell there. Okay.

I would get them on the way into work. When I worked at Riverwinds Golf Course, I used to mow the greens there in high school. Or college, high school, whenever it was in the summer. And I'd eat a bacon-wrapped cheese dog at like 6 15 in the morning like on the heat plate they have they had the yeah because they had the rack of dogs and i would burn my hand in there every single time it was and it was definitely like the leftover hot dog and they were like i don't know fucking wrap it in bacon and cheese oh i've been down there of course yeah yeah yeah i did it like three days a week for a whole summer oh dude it was crazy six great could eat like that

that'd be incredible. Did you get to know the cashier? Where like they know that this guy's... Here goes a bacon dog. This idiot's back. Every time they do an inventory, they keep an eye on you. I don't know where he goes to the bathroom.

This guy's a fucking idiot. You know, dude, there's a trail. I feel bad. I buy two tins of chewing tobacco and two energy drinks from the same Wawa like a lot of the time. Yeah, but they probably think you're getting shit done with that combo. That's a busy boy combo.

I don't know. I try to be pleasant, so I think they know I'm miserable. So this guy's too nice, and he's buying all this weird shit. I hope it works for him. He's so nice for the diarrhea. I hope it works out for him. He's about to have so much diarrhea, but he was so nice. He's got mouth cancer in six years.

Like, dude, just do Coke for God's sake. I hope it works, Sam. Dipping does rule, though. I miss it a lot. I quit at Cold Turkey. How long did you do it for? All through college. I played baseball in college.

So, like, I lived with five of my teammates. So, like, you didn't have to. I would quit, and I'd come home, and there's 13 tins on a table. And we had, like, an open tin policy too. It was just like everyone agreed we all dip Skull. So we kept it in the family. Long cut or pouches? We were long cut.

Pouches had just came out like my senior year. Long cut with gum? Where you mix it? No, just straight. Okay. Long cut straight. That was like, I got to a point where I was dipping just Skull straight. Okay.

No flavors. And I quit at cold turkey and then I went back to it. And then it's probably been 13, 14 years now. Oh my god, that gives me hope. Dude, I still get the worst cravings for that. If I smell fresh caught grass, forget about it.

Really? I start putting my tongue in my lip. 13, 14 years later, you still remember it. I'm never quitting. I'll catch a whiff of it. I'm allowed to have it. I started putting my tongue in my lip. I'm like, oh. 13, 14 years later, you still remember it. I'm never quitting. I'll catch a whiff of the tin. I'm allowed to have it. I was away at a buddy's bachelor party and somebody had a tin. I was like, yo, let me just smell it. I just sat there throughout the night and I smelled it like 11

times throughout the night. You can always go back. Dude, my mom quit smoking for 20 years. In the past three years, she was like the Michael Jordan, I'm back. She just started ripping cigs again. I gave up drinking, but I didn't I'm not saying I'm not going to go back. I'm like Tom Brady. We're on hiatus, dude. I'm going to retire for right now.

I'm going to come back and win a fucking Super Bowl. You're Gronk, dude. You'll come back when the right teammate asks for you. I'm going to come back. I got active CTE. Let's go. Yeah, dude. He's the biggest guy of all time.

Open tin policy with a house of bros. That was a bad house. That house is a problem. Well, you guys were baseball bros together. Didn't you guys play together growing up? No. Yeah, very micro bros. Yeah.

I was like five years old. I remember it. We got a new name for the podcast. We're micro bros now. You were good. Your dad was the coach. At a young age, everybody was awesome. And then a next level up is when you started to see everyone that was like, that guy's going to go to a different sport.

Yeah, some people had natural throwing mechanics, and other people just liked to be there. And I was like, all right, ice hockey it is. I'll see you. I fucking got nothing. I mean, if you want to tell it, you have the wildest ice hockey story in the history of hockey. The foot?

Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. I almost cut off my own foot with an ice skate yeah that's how i retired from the league what happened you know you referred to it as what the foot it was either the foot or the arm you do have another i have the foot or the arm yeah well both are great it's a short-lived career but yeah i uh it was out of practice and all the people who could skate real well they would lace they would lace up but they leave the top too because you could angle with your blade better and cut deeper if you could actually skate well other people just imitated acting like that's the trick but i should have paid attention to like

skating and lowering my center of gravity yeah so i'm i've always been like pretty tall so i was in front of the net and like a smaller kid got up under me and I just went flying. It happened a lot. And then my foot came down inside of my own skate like that. And I didn't even notice it. And then I got up and my foot was all wet. Soaked, yeah. And I was like, what the fuck is that?

And then you could see it's like just fucking out of the laces. And then I sat down. I was like, honey, how? And then Goldie was like, oh, how? And then Goli was like, oh my God. The worst part about that is the ice hockey practice was over

because blood coagulates on ice real fast. And it was poor. So like they had to take me from the far end of the ice out. So it was like a red carpet like it was a movie premiere. Holy shit.

I just went to the hospital. That was it. Because they, was there a threat of you losing the foot? Was the cut that bad? They didn't tell me. they don't tell kids shit they were just like

you need surgery but like it was like you don't have any say in that that's crazy it was like 60% chance that I got like a club foot the rest of my life but I didn't find that out

until I was like 25 so would you take a chunk out or you like cut so far into it no I went I'll show you it dude I got like boots on so like that's

that's the top of it it's like a giant like womp womp hook underneath because, that's the top of it. Yeah, that's a big bitch. It's, like, a giant, like, womp, womp hook underneath. Because I went in on top of the ankle, and I cut the one that curls your toes and does this. Dude, that was pre-social media. I remember coming into school the next day, and that's all anybody, like, any dude was like, you're fucking having the worst. You're like, what?

And it was just like, you were like, I already cut his whole leg off with this skate. First nub, dude. Jesus. I already owed somebody money, and they cut his leg off with a skate. Cut his leg off. It's just a new story. Playing telephone with your fucking ankle story. When I first went to the ER, they just looked at it.

I don't know if the guy was tired or what, but he was just like, gross. Yeah, yeah. He's like, gross. You're a very lucky boy. You didn't cut anything important so they sewed it up and then it heals because tendon like uh there's no pain in it there's just loss of function yeah and so like it healed up and i got back on the ice and i was like there's no way i was this bad at ice hockey because my foot couldn't curl toes or go left right so it was

how long till you got back on the ice how long does it take for like a big uh cut to heal like eight weeks yeah six seven weeks yeah all crutches and then they were like you're very lucky you So you got back on the ice. How long does it take for a big cut to heal? Eight weeks? Six, seven weeks. Yeah, all crutches. And then they were like, you're very lucky you didn't cut anything. And then I got out there and it's fucking like, I can't control it at all. I used to be able to do the circles. I can't do them at all anymore.

It's true. It's like, wait, if you ever crash a car, no matter how good you get it fixed, you're like, I feel that front right tire just fucking wobble. And then I went back in there like, oh, yeah, actually, your toes don't work. Sorry. Got to go back in. You got like the anti-rookie of the year. Like, he breaks his leg.

I went out with a bang, dude. And then I got a cadaver tendon in there. Holy shit. Yeah, but apparently after like 10 years, your own stuff grows over it. Yeah. But yeah, that was the end of ice hockey. Oh, that's a shit. If I was a kid, I would just think that I skated so fucking fast that my foot started bleeding. That would be my initial diagnosis. It's like, damn, I was shredding out

there. Dude, the white lace is turning red. Watch it leak out the sides of the holes. I was like, oh, something went wrong. The whole team would have worn like if you didn't make it, the whole team would have worn like one red lace in their skate for you in memoriam. Kind of like how Govetchkin always wears yellow laces. They tape a piece of wood to their jersey. You're young. You don't realize it. Like, oh, I lost a lot of blood.

Oh, yeah. I lucked out. I didn't have any major injuries. One of the worst ones I had was I had a blood blister that was this whole toe, the whole bottom of my toe. You know those Lazy Susan, like the spin around cabinets in kitchens? Yeah. blister that was like this whole toe the whole bottom of my toe you know like those uh lazy susan like the spin around cabinets in kitchens yeah we have one of those in the lower part and i would use that to like climb up to get snacks and as i stepped in it spun around and pinched my toe that's gonna be terrible yeah dude and it just immediately was like it literally looked like

uh like a half of a bouncy ball just coming off of my toe. Yeah. And we went to the hospital, and they just soaked it in hot, soapy, what's it called? Betadine water. Okay. And betadine water. That's a good. Did they lance it or no? And they just were like, all right, don't look.

And I just watched them just, it was definitely just like an intern, too. They were like, there's a crying kid in there. Go pop his toe. They popped it and then just sent me home. And it just was like a geyser of blood coming out of his thing. You never had like a bad injury? What about you? I didn't until high school.

I broke my thumb in high school. But like as a little, little kid. Okay. No, I broke my wrist like holding onto the back of a car on a skateboard. Gotcha. That was kind of like a run of the mill. It was like 20 miles an hour, nothing crazy. Yeah, you just did it for the street cred.

Well, the toughest part was having to lie to my parents because I was like 17 at the time, so I had to go home after I broke it. And I was like, I think I hurt it pretty bad. I fell down a hill skateboarding. And once I knew we were going to be at the hospital for like the entirety of the night, I was like, I got to level with you bastards. I was holding on to the back of a car,

and they were like, don't tell the doctor that. Because the insurance could be like, it's his fault. He was doing that. But if I say it's an accident, so both my parents immediately were like, do not tell the doctor what happened. How bad of a break? Was it like out be like it's his fault he was doing that but i say it's an accident so my both my parents immediately were like do not tell the doctor what happened how bad of a break was it like out like dante's no it wasn't crazy but i had a nasty open hand for a while and they just like threw a cast on it so i never truly knew if i like it was healing you had neck pain on that side these days nothing nah i got a little gravel in there which is always

fun is that connected like neck pain to yeah. Foot is lower back and hand is neck. No shit. You got nerve bundles, your lower back, and then your cervical spine. So if your hands are fucked up. Maybe. I broke this hand a handful of times. You got to stretch it out and make sure the thumb's out. I broke this thumb and shattered it and got pins put in in high school.

And it's still like all day. I just stretch it out. I haven't cracked it in 20-plus years. The stretching thumbs, the only thing I knew for that was basketball. You know dads have stories that could never be true, but you believe it when you're a kid? Yeah. My dad was like, I work with a guy.

He spent his entire childhood stretching his thumb so he could palm a ball to dunk. Meanwhile, I met the guy at a take-your-kid-to-work day. He was like 5'9". I was like, I don't think the palm was ever holding him back. But widest hands you've ever seen on a 5'9". Yes, you can actually make your hands appear bigger by doing that. It's crazy.

Dude, there's insane shit like that. You can correct your vision by staring at a candle for an hour and a half at a time. That's not real. It's also probably a wise thing. That's crazy, dude. There's no way. That's such nice shit. That's a trick to make people blind.

Someone told me it worked. That's crazy. Damn. Stare no way. That's such a nice shit. That's a trick to make people blind. Someone told me it worked. That's crazy. Damn. Stare at the sun until it gives you secrets. All right. The story I was told was this kid wasn't allowed to be a Marine unless he corrected his vision because he needed glasses, and he stared at a candle, and then he was a Marine. One eye at a time?

I guess. I don't know, man. It was a while ago. I'm just realizing now how dumb I am for believing this. You didn't know I would want follow-ups

because I possibly believe it's medicine. I don't know. I'm okay with this. Jay, do you have your phone? Can you look that up? Can staring at a candle improve your vision?

No, that's like OCD stuff. It's like if you don't look at the moon for an hour, your mom's going to die. It's like you're just being scared. Staring at the sun until it gives you secrets

is an elite. Do you have the step on the crack break your mother's back fear ever? Like are you that kind of crazy? I used to do weird shit. I remember like growing up

I was like seven. I used to do this where I would just like flick my thumb on the bottom of my teeth and I would go to my dad and I was like I can't stop doing it.

And my poor dad is this like 40 year old who's got like a retarded son and he's like yo stop. And I was like nah you don't get me he's like what the fuck was it was it the nail or was it just i would just take the thumb which i guess was maybe like it was you know a subconscious retaliation on the thumb stretching i was like fuck that dude i'm flicking teeth my poor dad dude i think back to the stuff i did to my parents and i was like what an absolute nightmare of a kid dude i see it now it now. Like, trying to raise a kid,

I just look at my mom like, how the fuck did you do this? Like, I was insane. I was all spazzed too. It was a problem. A little bit of energy running around, dude. Yeah.

It was pre-internet too, so it was bikes all day. Yeah. Oh, bikes all day. Bikes all day and then if somebody was weird, like if some guy like came up to you

like, fuck you and everybody runs out, it doesn't matter. Yeah. You run away from them. Damn, you're like, fuck yeah, and everybody runs out, it doesn't matter. You run away from them. Damn, you just ride by somebody's house, and there was 14 BMX bikes on the front yard. You were like, there is the best Mario Kart tournament going on in that basement right now.

There's a Sega Genesis down there. God damn, they are ripping it up down there right now. Yeah, true. Is that Dino NSX? Oh, that's smooth. Like walking past a cool nightclub with just cool bouncers. You can hear the music from inside. You're like, fuck, dude, I know this guy. Is that Rainbow Road? That with just cool bouncers. You can hear the music from inside.

You're like, fuck, dude, I know this guy. Is that Rainbow Road? That's got to be it. This guy's getting Rainbow Road in there? Do you have any superstitions like that? I had weird baseball ones, which I hated. But I think I did it because I was just a dork. Well, what were they? I heard baseball is a really superstitious game.

Well, like the line, you never step on the line. There's always a superstition. But then I would always... mine weren't superstitions. They were kind of just cheating. Yeah. It was like I would – catching, they would always have like a back – so it was a back line to the batter's box. And throughout the first three innings, I would just slowly kick that away

so it was never there. True. So that I could like – when I got to go hit, I could just stand as far back as I wanted in the box. Because you want to – with a curveball, you want to let it, you want to be able to see it as long as possible. Oh, so you're kind of the opposite of like choking up more. Like you want more distance.

Yeah, I wanted more distance to be able to like read a pitch deep. So I would just, and I would get yelled at for it all the time. Because I think it's illegal. I don't think you're supposed to do that. But it was a Jorge Posada move I learned from him. Fucking love that guy. Stepping on the line though? That doesn't count?

Because you were like destroying the line. It's when you're going in and out of the field in between innings when you don't step on the line. Okay. But, yeah, I disrespected the rest of the lines. Yeah, dude. But, no, I always had, like, it was – it always had to be, like, sweatband on this forearm when I step into the box.

I got to do this with my right foot. So you did have all that. Yeah, I had those too. But I think that's just because baseball is just a sport of repetition. So it's like if you don't have that, you're either very, very good or a fucking nut. I don't know. Do you golf?

Yeah. I have a lot of superstitions. How similar baseball and golf? Very similar. The swing itself isn't. You can see it. People ask me all the time like if i get paired up with somebody randomly halfway through the round they'll be like you played baseball didn't you because you can see it in like the way someone steps into a swing

compared to like if you watch i mean anybody on like the pga tour or anything like people try to emulate that but you can see that they've done that millions and millions of times are you golf guy no but i'll go out i'll keep up really yeah but there's like a four pack or three dudes who need like somebody to fill in like i'll i'll go out you'll actually go to be i'll keep up enough that's a good dude that's like you kept that threesome from getting one random person paired up with them yeah that's a huge but it sucks because i can't talk shit because i'm the worst where it's like that's when you should double down and talk even more shit.

If I hit a couple good ones. If I have a couple ones all day. Don't you guys work at this? But if I'm knocking trees, then I got to go find it. I got to be quiet. You guys do this every weekend? Yeah, I'll go out, though. Being able to keep up without caring about it, though, is pretty huge.

That's a very necessary guy trait that I lack. You just go for a ride along in booze, don't you? I just hang out and look at dudes all day. Just stare at the boys. Would you have the skill to win out of the... No way. Not even close. I literally don't even play. That's why I'm saying actually going and playing. I couldn't even... Matt does

present as like you'd think he's a very elite athlete, but I don't think I've ever seen you really do anything athletic. Just get up, get down, sit around, things like that. That's it. No, I'm thinking from my perspective, the only times we really ever hung out has been shows,

podcasts. If we were competing athletics at our age, it'd be a little bizarre if every once in a while I was out there. Gotta go to the hospital. You gotta have it. You gotta know how your buddy throws a ball. Yeah, Chris, run, dude. Let me see you get up.

No. I've aged into tank build, where it's like, I'm going to sit down. I said, I can't run. I can't run. I'm going to issue some damage. Is there something to pick up for a weapon? You've got streets of rage. Just try to flip a table or something.

That's all you know. Just some demonstration. Or just negotiate. Like, what is wrong? Guys, what are we doing? This is so ridiculous. I've never asked this. Do you have any weapons

stashed around this apartment? Good question. No. I've really started to just fully accept being a huge pussy. And it's been like very real. No, they're probably bolted in.

They don't come off. I don't know. What am I going to hit like a security guard in 2006 with one of those? There's nothing I could do. We can skate here. It's like that Simpsons arcade game.

Yeah. Oh, that one used to be sick. Way back in the day. Oh, that was incredible. Channel Bart with that. Playing that. What would you do like home invasion plan? I mean, this is a nice place though.

Nobody's breaking in here. I just be like, please, dude. Maybe offer my girlfriend or something or my roommate right out that window i gotta sleep she's yours please please she's a talent telling him where his stuff is like top drawer tons of cash not even did we have nothing to offer everybody it's great we've talked about that before like if somebody broke in they're like fuck and it's not that it's not nice but it's like it's what you'd expect to 27 year old dudes you're like i don't know a little basketball rim skate decks true good tv but it's gonna be a pain to carry that tv out and what an ego check

it would be if like somebody broke in and you're like please no i'll suck your dick and they're like not your ugly ass and then they also steal everything so you find out you're ugly and they take your things your barstools match we don't want any of your shit If I broke into this place, there might be stuff in top drawers worth stealing. What are you snagging? What do you got your eyes on, dude? I'm going to tell you. There's nothing. No, just like the...

Dude, wait until you look through the cabinet. This place looks fun. So it's like, whoever lives here has secrets. There's like a nice watch somewhere. You can find shit. There's got to be something. Maybe we don't even know where it's at. Maybe it's buried trash.

Yeah. In this fairly new apartment. Oh, we have a fucking ground turkey. We just made ground turkey today. Nice. That's good. So if you guys need some GT, it's definitely... If you ever need a bland option for your meals...

I went through a turkey taco. I love ground turkey, but it's bland. Taco seasoning, fellas. What the hell are you talking about? I'm talking about the turkey. I went through a phase, dude. You get ground... Yeah, just make the whole thing.

You get a couple flats of tortillas and then you just make a whole thing of cheese, and you just eat it alone. Genuinely incredible. That's a good one. Don't tell anybody. Singles will eat it quietly. That's it.

You're making your own tacos enormous. Your tears are extra salty. You start sweating towards the end, and it makes you upset at yourself. Watching old pride mixed martial arts fights. Watching hardest UFC knockouts. These guys are in shape. I could be like them one day. if I didn't cut my foot skating.

Dude, I like turkey talking. It's good. It fucking bangs, dude. So after you cut your foot, you were like totally compromised? You couldn't skate anymore? Yeah, I started swimming. Oh, wow. I still wanted to do something.

I got the long, tall build. True. I jump in. I'm halfway. I used to do the 50, which is only up and back okay cheating for this build yeah you jump in it's time to kick turn and then i just be a cycle on the way back yeah you get a kick turn though and you slice your ankle i'm still faster than most people with like a duck foot the 50 was the only like the 50 i always felt bad because my sister swam and she did the 500.

And like 50 was like, yo, let's go. This is going to be sick. How many laps did the 500 hit her? 20. 20, I think. God, no. But that was one like,

the first two laps, they're like, yeah, but you can't hold that level of enthusiasm for, you know, 20 minutes, whatever it takes. Yeah, but to flip it over. Yeah.

Did you have to go sit at Saturday morning meets all the time? Sometimes, but my sister had somewhat pretty-ish friends, so I would just sit there and wear my coolest sweater vest from my Catholic school and be like, this is cool as hell, dude. Like, it's Saturday. Why are you still wearing that?

She's like, why are you eating ground turkey? How'd you even get that in here? Why are you in the pool? It's hidden in your pocket. Pocket of GT. Your pants are greasy. It's good. I got more. Good for pool? It's hidden in your pocket. Pocket and GT. Pants are greasy. It's good. I got more.

You don't have to. Good for swimming. It's good. You swim so much more goodly if you just have something. It's good for your tongue diddly umptious. Put something in your hair. The oils. Sometimes you got to rub some ground turkey in a lady's hair to let her know who the fuck's in charge.

That's what you do when somebody breaks in. You rub ground turkey in their hair. Just play psycho. Yeah, dude. You do have to out. Thank God. I would love if somebody broke in right now and they're just like, oh, shit. Sorry.

Oh, shit. Gay guys. We don't want to be on. Yeah. That would not be worth it. Yeah, there's a lot of expensive stuff in here now. Yeah. And then addresses.

Four dudes and he's drinking a monster energy drink. True. It's a lot of expensive stuff in here now. There's also four dudes, and he's drinking a Monster Energy drink. True. It's a dangerous situation. I have bats stashed around my house. You need to have them all over the place. You have bats? Yeah, baseball bats everywhere. I'm sorry.

Just bats, too. The creatures of the night. That's what I thought you meant. That's what I scream as I swing a bat in the dark. Dude, a bat at night will shut a mom down. Do you guys moms get terrified of bats? Do you grow up with a lot of bats?

I thought so. We were more of a cricket in the basement that wouldn't shut the fuck up family. Wait, I think I missed this. You thought animals, bats? Yeah, we shifted

because Matt didn't know it meant baseball. It meant baseball bats, but Matt didn't know. Okay, I missed the shift. Matt doesn't know anything in context clues. Sorry.

You're a fucking witch doctor. Dude, a bag of bats? No one's going to fuck with you. It's confusion. Yeah, a bag of bats. That's a good defense system. Well, now I realize that what I said sounded way worse. You could probably throw it pretty good.

If it was like a tightly, like a tight net, it'd be so loud. You could just huck a bag of bats at somebody. It's all fucking loud. You hit the face of bats, you're leaving. That would be fucking loud. You just huck a bag of bats at somebody. It's all fucking loud. You hit the face of bats, you're leaving. It'll be fucking terrifying. The burglar calls the cops on you. Yeah, this guy's doing stuff to animals. You gotta get him. I tried to rob him with a

pistol, but he threw bats at me. Keep saying, I've on your blood. It was weird as fuck. I hated it. No, I was sick. Yeah, my mom would be very, we'd be like sitting outside on a nice night, like playing baseball or like outside sporting events. And as soon as a bat comes up, she's like, I'm sitting in the van. I can't be out there around these. Interesting.

Pure terror, yeah. Was she ever attacked by a bat? Not once. I think she's just an ego thing. She's like, the bats want me. She's a little narcissistic. Does she think of them as like rats with wings? I've heard that before.

Yeah. Some people are just disgusted at them. Yes. As animals. I don't trust them. I didn't. I was weird. I feel bad for before. Yeah. Some people are just disgusted at them. Yeah. Animals are gross. I didn't. I just wear it. I feel bad for him.

They got blamed for the whole thing. Yeah, true. Well, so they're on an upswing. Loosely talking. Nobody checked in on bats since the pandemic. Dracula was like, what the fuck? Chris kind of caused the pandemic. He did the spot at the tap room.

Yeah. And then a week later, the world shut down. Look, dude. Never happened before that. I miss that room. That's still going on. Actually, you want to come do post-game comedy there? We got a new show there.

New monthly. We'll tell you about it after the show. It's a fun one, though. People have been saying it's enjoyable. Come out. This is a mid-show promo. People have been saying it's enjoyable. Listener, come out. This is a mid-show promo, post-game comedy at the Tap Room 28th? 28th, yes.

September. Yeah, I'm starting to get messages like, dude, can I get on one of these? And I'm just telling everybody, absolutely, the next one's all yours. And I'm accidentally inviting people we've already had on every time I see them in Philly. I'm like, you should come on this. Like, cool.

I was just on it 11 days ago. But sure, I'm back. The next show will have 36 comics. I don't have a good memory. But yes. I love Taproom, too. We'll have you on a new one. Taproom is a great spot.

It's always been fun. Yeah, dude. Are you getting out and doing stand-up more now? Like, where have you been at? Yeah. I was on the IR forever. I knocked out this in my back like uh three years ago and that's where i started the uh oral presentations and it kind of worked yeah

but now i'm healing up and doing a live show and yeah i like gotta work on stand-up it's hard to come back and like think you're still good and you're like oh i forgot this well all right yeah just gotta like get out there but yeah i'm looking to get back into it more. Ninted. Nice. I always love it because, like, when I started, you were in Philly. And I always remember hearing, like, everybody we grew up with was like, yeah, we go over and see Wood all the time. I was like, guys, I started doing that thing you go to see Wood do.

And then none of those people ever came to any of the shows. Because then by the time I started, like, everyone was in their late 20s and early 30s. So, like, people were like, no, we have families, dude. We're not going to come on a Tuesday night. So it is tough. So, well, they're missing out. Yeah.

Okay. I'll say it. They're missing out. Yeah. I'll be supportive. You have a kid. I have a kid. That's the reason I was late.

I can't talk shit. No, I don't. That's why I got to get back out there. What the hell else am I doing? I got to find a kid. Either have a kid or get better at stand-up. It's one of the two, dude. Dire straits to be in.

You got to make a choice. You could go half in on both. That's what I'm doing right now. I'm just doing okay as a parent, and I'm just one toe in the water. True. If I pulled that off, I'd have no comedy career, and my kid would go to jail. Just half-ass it both ways. Damn it.

Damn. Doubled down the wrong direction. Yeah, I guess over 30, that is the bell curve of options, where it's like one side is the have a kid, the other ones do stand up. I guess the middle is like... Fantasy football. Host Quizzo, dude. Yeah, host Quizzo. Lifetime

Quizzo. You make more hosting Quizzo than you do in the first most of comedy, but... Yeah. Hosting Quizzo, I did it for a little while i never did it how is it it stinks because they're like the people will tell you like you're a comic be funny about it but like they have no way of introducing you it's not like a show where like a host well at least just to say like this guy's a comedian like i would just walk up and have to tell them hey i'm a comic i'm hosting so i never knew you explain a quizzo

night to me i've never been to one i've never hosted one you've been to one no damn i was never a bar guy unless i was doing stand-up oh okay i go if i have a reason but otherwise it's like damn i think i could if i could in comedy reach the peak of comedy and my family would love and respect me so much more if they found out i was hosting Telford Quizzo night. Is that better? They were like, yo, Johnny's at the Telford Inn hosting Quizzo every Tuesday? You slipped in the telly inn, dude? That's a high traffic area.

It's like Jeopardy, right? You basically get teams, and they ask you general questions, and then you all answer on a piece of paper, and then somebody goes and grades it, and then you win a round. You do like three rounds. You don't announce the questions? No, I would ask, but they were like, you're a comic, so ask them and then you win a round. You do like three rounds. You don't announce the questions? No, I would ask. But they were like,

you're a comic, so ask him and joke around a little bit. And I was not only newer at stand-up, they were kind of like very little guidelines. So they're like, do some of your jokes in between. Be like, what episode of The Office? That's why it pays well

because it's fucking settled. It was $50 for three hours of work. I was getting scanned like a piece of bread. That's a phrase, but the guys would come up, you know. $50 for three hours isn't that good for that level of embarrassment. That's what I'm saying,

I was getting manhandled. Terrible. That's a terrible drive home. It's not worth $50. Hey, if that's going to the beer store. Oh, dude, it was insane. It was totally insane and they didn't count my beers either,

which was nuts. So yeah, I would buy like two beers. Oh, they're running a tab? Yeah, dude. Let's make this drunk so sad we don't pay him for this. I literally, I remember one time I finished up the thing, and in the middle of it, I was supposed to just kind of do crowd work, and I was just trying to do it with this one guy,

and he dead serious said, fuck you to me. And I was like, ah, my bad. Fair enough. Anyway. So then that happens, and I go to collect my earnings. Okay, incorrect. Well, we don't talk like that here. Oh, I'm sorry.

Actually, the answer was John Wilkes Booth. Exactly. That's a very funny reaction to have. Who killed Abraham Lincoln? Fuck you, dude. Yeah, no, at the end of it, I went to go collect my earnings and then also close out my tab and then have the girl who ran it be like, you got to slow down up there.

Oh, you get advice? Yeah, it was tough, dude. It was tough. But they're all good people. She's giving you tags. Yeah, I just stunk out loud at it. But it was tough. And it was I would have to go great at myself. And I just couldn't read. You had to do the grading. I go and you've been drinking. Yes. They make you do math. It was a lot of work. I was like 50 fucking three stouts in. I got a coffee gut. I was like, I'm fucking that one's wrong. That was not what I thought this was. I got a coffee gut. I was like, fucking, that one's wrong. This is not what I thought this was.

I heard somebody's getting paid like $200 to do Jeopardy questions. That is bad at business. Oh, you just got rooked. Somebody just took you for everything. We'll make this guy sweep and take out the trash too. Fuck him. He's got no life.

Had that bar already been doing, did you replace another Quizzo host? Yeah, they had me come in because they were like, we want a comedian to do it. We have this guy up here. They were really mean to the initial guy. They're like, we got this fat fucking idiot up here. He's got no clue what's going on. And I went to watch him, and I was like, he's kind of good.

That should have been a sign. Like, when you meet a girl and she trashes her ex, it's like, oh, I'm the next one. Yes, that's a good point. But you want to host Quizzo, so you go for it. I'll be different. It's not different. It was not different. It was way worse.

But they still liked me. I mean, I did a show not too long ago at the brewery, and it was all good interactions, but I just remember the stress. Did part of you just slip back into it, like in the middle of your stand-up show? Yeah. You started asking questions. Ooh, and the Dick Wagler is pulling to the lead. There we go. Everyone always thinks they have a cute name in that, too. Yeah, I would get hyped. You start asking questions. Yeah, but... Ooh, and the Dick Wagglers pull into the lead.

There we go. Everyone always thinks they have a cute name in that, too. Yeah, I would get hyped. The names were fun. I did enjoy most of the names. Ours in college, it was Cunt Thunder

or Thunder Cunts. Okay. And then the guy wouldn't say, he'd be like, Team TC. So then the team name changed to Thunder Cunts,

dot, dot, dot. You better fucking say it. So then the team name changed to Thundercunts dot dot dot. You better fucking say it. So then he would have to be like, TC dot dot dot. You better fucking say it. Finally, we won. It was like, we were terrible at it.

We finally won because we cheated so bad. And he was like, all right, guys, this is like six weeks in a row. And the winning group, blah, blah, blah, Thundercunts,

fucking say it. We went nuts. I think we won like $11 each. It's just the stuff you say. That's what we want. Yeah. That's what we do. We're headbutting each other.

Who's been here? Table fucking goes, yeah. Why are you taking your shirt off? I'm hanging my jersey in the ramp. I didn't come here with a shirt. You're burning it. Fucking smoke alarm going off. When you were driving over to do stand-up

at the Quizzo location, were you thinking about like, damn, I wonder if people who used to work there are still there and now it's time for me to do stand-up? No, I was just like, you mean like if there'd be like recurring customers or it'd just be like... No, no, like the lady who gave you advice for Quizzo time.

You're like, all right, well, it's time to do stand-up now. I hope this goes better. Yeah, no, I would. It got to a point where I was like, they're asking me to do it. If it goes bad, I'm just going to at least do what they asked. I can't control whether it was good, and that just made it worse.

And then luckily the pandemic started, and I got to stop doing it. So that was a pretty big ups to the bats. I don't think you have what it takes to live that quizzo lifestyle. You're getting in that bar scene. No, and I was full of just blissful naivety on a bartender. Never mind. I was full of just blissful naivety on the drive there. I was like, this is going to be the one. Tonight's the night I quiz their O's and they respect me.

That's what we run on. Did they make you come up with the questions too? No, they would get... And they were good questions. They were phenomenal. Did you ever consider just rigging it? You do the math. I stopped grading it. You just picked the shit it's like who's the nicest to me yeah it was like super nice i was like shawshank redemption

style where you're like all right nice up thank you for not saying fuck you to my face tonight you guys won just thinking no yeah that was towards the very end i was like i couldn't even keep up we'd have times where there'd be like 11 teams so i had to like run and do all that i mean but you just say yes because it's like i used to i used to work uh i was quizzo security at landmark could have used at a college bar because i was the bar back and like patio security guy so they would make me while i was working make sure that nobody was taking their phone out and i was like i'm not fucking ratting on these 22 year old hammered douchebags. Yeah. On a Tuesday night. That's a tough ass.

Yeah. I had to walk over and they were like, you have to walk over and be like, fellas, fellas, put your phones away. I was like, I don't fucking do it.

I don't care. On Quizzo? Like for cheating? Yeah. I had to do that at comedy clubs, which is hard enough. Oh yeah. Oh really?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I worked security actually at Helium like years ago. Oh yeah. What I would do is that I would make sure to pick an angle that the table would see me coming. Oh, so they stop. And then just have good posture.

Wow. And so it's already, it's like they feel like they got caught. So we're never going to have a bad conversation. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because everybody knows they're not supposed to be doing that shit. That's a good idea. If you pick where you're coming from and they just see some Frankenstein fucking guy, they're going to stop. That's a tactical

bouncer right there because I didn't want to have to because it's worse to go and tap somebody because then some people don't like to be touched at all and it's like

you're in something then you shouldn't have done that and they're drinking and shit yeah so I'd rather just like be a visual thing and make them

know that they're doing wrong that's such a good idea but having to tell people it I just didn't the honor of quizzo is like an immediate

fuck you like nobody's gonna Respect what you're doing Whereas at a club You're like Please don't take this Like this is Right right

Somebody's career Sure It is I always admire I watched that happen At Healing the other night Like there was just A girl hammered

And like the bouncer Went over and gave her Like the like This is kind of Your warning one Like chill And then went back stern And she respected it

And I was like i don't think i could do that i was such a pussy of a bouncer first couple of times it's tough yeah but i did yeah when i worked there i had like a boss who like was watching you do it very strange because she wanted to have like a tough regime i guess or whatever and i was just like i don't give a shit that's fine can't do it yeah but then yeah then i had to invent like the walk up and look ominous plan. That's a fucking good move. Did you test run that at home? No, I was just thinking of ways

that I don't want to have to talk to people and tap them and scare them. It's just not a great way to be. So you did security. What other weird shit would you say yes to early on in stand up? I can't say no. I did quizzo just because they offer it early and stand up it's like yeah i'll do that

like did you have any weird i always stayed away from that kind of shit yeah because i thought that it was like it's some people call it cross training and stuff but like people would do like murder mystery plays and stuff and they'll talk it to me of like hey this is like acting work we can go to somebody's house and act i was like that's the strangest shit who the fuck are we going to for what this is how you lure people. No. Get the fuck out of here. It's like it's Paisa 175, and it's like I got to wear it.

I'm not doing it. You might only get strangled. Who knows? Yeah. There's straight, like, but there's opportunities like that. Because acting crosses over, and then people will be like, hey, do you want to do this? But I think I avoided most of it. It's just most stuff that didn't work out.

Yeah. But I always wanted it in the format of stand-up. But I don't know. I think I bailed on a quiz on it once. I think my buddy knew I needed money so he gave me a quiz on it and I just got hammered and forgot. And then sent him a beautiful text of like, I'm so sorry, Michael.

It's like, just lie to him. Just tell him he knows you blacked out. Just with the greatest concern that I write you. I have pissed myself yet again. It's on parchment. Mr. Walker's L. I slept in boots third night in a row.

Third night. Filled with blood, my foot did. My feet smell sour. I can't calm. Some days I wonder if this ankle wound will ever heal. Goddamn ice skates that's beautiful dude we need to start writing letters

to our boys like that way more often I don't know I've thought about this but if you mail people letters that's a strange thing yeah you get a letter from me

yeah true you get a letter from me after this of like thank you so much then there's like four other pages that come out you're like alright

that's scary too this guy's gonna blow shit up what is wrong with him he seems alright after this of like, thank you so much. Then there's like four other pages that come out. You're like, all right. That's scary too. This guy's going to blow shit up. What is wrong with him? He seemed all right. If any listeners of this podcast followed oral presentations and saw the notes that Chris would post, you would immediately think he had someone in your family held hostage. It looked like just madman scribbles.

It was all homework. The whole show was homework. I treated it like cram homework the whole time, which is not like a healthy thing to do, but it was pressure learning yeah and if it wasn't actually kind of difficult to do i felt like it was cheating so like i would make a bunch of notes and shit i would like hand draw them at the beginning and then i just ended up doing like speed running book plots but yeah some of those notes are like they're a lot do you still have the the platypus note uh shirts i have couple of shirts. I have basketball jerseys.

Oh, yeah. Which is the greatest merch print of all time. Yeah. You couldn't buy them. You had to win them. Oh, that's right. I made a logic game. That's right.

That's why I gave up on getting one because I was like, I'm not going to figure shit out. I was going to bring you one. I have a couple left. I want one. I don't think I have one in the trunk of my car, but I'll give you one. They're reversible. I went all out. There was a mom and pop shop during the trunk of my car, but I'll give you one. They're reversible. I went all out. There was a mom and pop shop during the pandemic that was like, we don't know how long.

I was like, yo, I need $2,000 worth. Was it the jersey shop by Acme? Gariel. On Route 45? I think so, yeah. That's where you used to take your hockey jerseys and get your name put on the back. Yeah, they got quality shit. It is a mom and pop shop, but you could wash that over and over again. It't go anywhere it's like i get the good

shirt like the stuff that's a dispensary now they knock that place down no yeah no the dispensary is the arby's oh okay this is just local yeah you're from the same area he's a defford guy yeah no gary i'll still there i actually i gotta hit him up yeah jersey store still there i took a uh randall cunningham jersey i bought from a thrift store there for $11 and had no name on the back, but it was a 12 Kelly green jersey. Great. And I was like, yo, can you toss Cunningham on here? And they're like, it's going to be upwards of $13.

Yeah, yeah. Sweet, $24 drinking jersey. Let's do this. Oh, so it's like a Foreman Mills like we used to be able to go in? No, I got it. There was a thrift shop in Collingswood years ago, and the girl had it on a mannequin. Didn't know what it was. She just knew it was an Eagles jersey.

And I was walking by. And I just probably hammered. I was like, oh, hell yeah. I walked in. I was like, you got Randall? She's like, what are you talking about? Damn, that's awesome. Randall's in the window.

What do you want for him? Got him. Yeah, that place will help you out. Yeah. It's like a good screen printing. Yeah. The letters are peeling off. But I think I paid for the.

I think I was like. What was that, 20 what was that 20 years ago cheapest uh probably upwards of eight let it go that's good it was also printed on that old shitty quality work i'm not complaining it just says like now it says coon um there's a lot of letters they asked to fix mine when i gave them the design wait they want to fix your notes yeah no yeah the platypus is the shirt that I sold like two years ago. They called me and they were like, hey, how do you want us to touch this up? Oh, they were asking? Yeah, they were like, this is so shitty, this can't be real. Like, I know that you were serious, but what do you want?

Were they trying to help you or they were just like, we can't print this? Just the kindest people being like, obviously this won't work. I don't know what this is for. This is scribble. And also you had to call them back and be like, but my internet won't work. I don't know what this is for. This is scribble. Yeah. And also, you had to call them back and be like, but my internet friends are going to love these. They're like, what the fuck is happening?

What are you like? I'm 34. I do notes. I'm a big boy. But they are cool, man. I would like to use them again. But I'll get you one of those jerseys. All right.

Thank you. I'll put me on the list, too, if you don't mind. Yeah. I don't know how many. What? XL? It could be a large. It depends. I'll put me on the list, too, if you don't mind. Yeah, I don't know how many. What, XL? It could be a large. It depends.

I think I only have, like, X and double XL. It's a tank top. But getting shirts on the podcast lives you. Hell yeah. Yeah. We got to reverse them halfway through the podcast. I'm fine with that. I love a good reversible jersey.

They are reversible. I had a reversible Jordan jersey when I was a kid and I remember when I grew out of it, I said to my parents, I was like, can we frame it and hang it on the wall? And they're like,

why? And in my head, it was because I was going to lie to my friends and say it was an actual Michael Jordan jersey. Yeah. But it was like

for a nine-year-old kid. So I was like 12 and I was like, we should probably hang that on the wall. It looks game worn. Well, that's what I try to do that in college.

Set up a little kid lie. You're like, let's just frame that. I can lie about this. I think I can nail his signature. Mom, do you have a silver Sharpie? This can be big. We can make tens of dollars. I remember my freshman year, no, I guess my sophomore year of college,

I had old jerseys from when I was like eight or nine. It was like pretty cool ones. It was like a Shaq one, Jordan on the Wizards jersey. So I was like, damn, i'll hang it in my apartment that'll look cool fits the college motif and they were just youth basketball jerseys that people would like come over and they were like oh that's fucked up it looks like you guys like abducted eight kids like for human traffic took their garbs actually you took them and i was like no it's actually very cool and they're like no it's upsetting is that just just an Aeropostale hoodie

pinned to the wall? Yeah, you throw up a Hollister one and spray on there. Like you girls don't get it. Yeah, that was a tough one. You were a former Hollister guy, weren't you?

No, I didn't work there. Didn't you? No, the Hollister people were weird. No, I thought you did work I worked at Abercrombie. No, I'm sorry. That's why I thought you worked there.

There was a packing order. Okay. There was a packing order where like Hollister was going to work. I would love to see you working at Abercrombie now. Oh, a packing order. We're like, how's this going to work? I would love to see you working at an Abercrombie now. Oh, yeah, right.

You're like, I'll be in the back taking nudes. Who the fuck is that? Yeah, I was young when I did that. I was like 20 when I worked there.

You would like stand out front and shit? No, I was stockroom. Oh, okay. I was like, put me in a stockroom and then I ended up being an overnight manager

because it's like, you just organize shit. Nobody yells at you. Yeah. And then you just watch like whatever. Like there's like a whole social scene that was going on. I've heard overnight shit. I've heard overnight in a supermarket is wild. I've heard it's like insane people.

I didn't. I guess I was too young to notice. Yeah. Like because it was in KOP Mall where like that's shut down. So it's like 1 a.m. and there's nothing kop mall so all you think about is like can i jump from the top to the second yeah like i can yeah what is how deep is that fountain fucking how many nickels are in there i'm gonna go in yeah what is wild about the supermarket at night i think it's just the people that take the job of like restocking shelves are just nuts oh oh i

thought it was like just you're dealing with like a pack of just crazies just putting just lining cereal up i mean if there's ever a job for somebody with ocd yeah true it's stocking it's definitely a job you can be high at oh yeah which turns out is most jobs i think you're like i think i live with a guy who did this job we're like stocking the shelves yeah because they're union too oh i think i remember him telling me, look, it seems like it stocks pretty good money. Nobody gives a shit. Especially now you've got AirPods exist.

You can just toss those in and listen to podcasts the whole time. Yeah. Damn, maybe I need to go in an overnight. I'll pick up an overnight. It'll be like night at the museum. All the meats come back to life. Just hang out in there. I tried to work DoorDash during the pandemic.

It's just a side gig. And so many people were signed up for it that they were like, we'll call you. Really? I was like, really? I got turned away by DoorDash? They fucking told you no. Yeah. Meanwhile, I know three comics in the Lancaster area that do it through their girlfriend's name because they have a record.

I didn't know you could be called no. Oh, yeah. Apparently you did. I did Postmates and they were like, fucking good luck. No. They told me no. You crash, it's on no. Oh, yeah. Apparently you did. I did Postmates, and they were like, fucking good luck. No. They told me no. You crash, it's on you. Oh, shit.

Yeah. Really? Yeah, I was on a bike. It was in 2016. Oh, fuck. I was opening a gym in the morning. Yeah, I made my own overnight shift. Holy shit, dude.

Yeah, dude. Because I was opening a gym at 5.30 a.m. Hello, Mr. Mates. I have a proposition for you. I ended up just falling into an overnight shift because you can't miss opening a gym at 5.30

because there's lawyers and high-powered people and you're fired and they yell at you. So you get a bunch of jacked hunks mad at you. I used to do it too. That's like if you don't

show up to Quizzo because you got two shit faces. So I got to be at a gym at 5.30 and it's in the middle of Philadelphia. And so what I used to do is I would tell myself that I would do the 10 p.m. to, like, 2 a.m. bar shift because I figured having people tip better,

be out there on a bike, and then just hang out with the people I live with until 5.30 a.m. and then go. Right. That did not work long term. Yeah, sure. Because in between, there was, like, drinking. Yeah. So you'd have to, like, wait a second, I got to go do towels at a gym.

Hold on. I got towels that need. Looks like I'm walking down there. Fuck. Yeah. Holy shit. That's terrifying. And so would you just, so you'd open and then would you work at the gym for a couple hours

after? It was till 10 a.m. And then you sleep because then it was like open mics or shows at night. Right. So you do like show, Postmates, hang out, get to the gym.

And then just be fucked up for like five hours of the morning at the gym? It wouldn't be that bad. No? Okay. No, because like there was always activities. It was never like

just sit around and get fucked up all the time. Oh, okay. Gotcha, gotcha. And then I would be kind of like... He's in there coaching a class. Yeah. Yeah.

It's a bunch of grandma. Okay, here comes Zoom. Yeah. Yeah. It's a bunch of grandmas. Okay, here comes Zoom. I'm sweating. It's not like a fucking bar. Like, dude, it's fucking... It's important to puke halfway through every session, guys. I'm throwing up on yoga balls. It's the cha-cha slide every time.

They're like, dude, he's doing the cha-cha slide. I'm on a cleanse. I'm on a lemon cleanse. Why does it smell like IPA? I don't know. You can put lemons in anything. Listen. Are the tails done? I don't know You can put lemons in anything Are the tails done? I don't work here, I'm a customer

Okay I like the thing that the morning where you don't come to open it Is also the morning after you didn't show up for Quizzo So there's some guy that just He was at the bar with all of his buddies They had a quirky name for their team Nobody showed up to run Quizzo. And he's like, at least I get to go to the gym in the morning

and fucking forget about this. He's just out front. I've strategically ruined that man's day routine. It's that one piece of shit. I know it is. You're just sleeping out front of a fucking Raven Lounge. It's because I've done overnights before when I worked in retail at KOP that I was like,

look, this is where, this, like, the math will work and then eventually it just catches up to you. Dude, I worked- And you're not sleeping. So I worked in hospitals for a while

and I worked with, like, a lot of, like, overnight hospital staff. They're some wild people. Really? Because they live a totally different life than everyone else.

They are, like, 7 p.m. to 7 a.m. straight work. So when they get off work, like their weekend starts on a Friday at 7 a.m. So like they're hitting bars and shit. And like that's when you hear like, oh, so-and-so bar opens at 9 a.m. It's like doctors and nurses and shit that work overnight shift. Or it's like they just have to live, try live like a normal life it's weird that would be fun to catch them and then watch them try to explain that they're not alcoholics right right yeah where it's like no actually i'll show you

where i work they would all try to do it because they'd be like no well that's my it's like you go now i'm like all right all right it still looks terrible yeah it's nine a.m yeah it looks way scrubs it was i there was a couple, though, where I hung out with that crew and kind of got to experience it, and it's fucking fun. Yeah, I'm sure. Just getting a part. It's like school got canceled. It feels like a snow day every day.

Yeah, it's got to be alternate universe. It feels like a movie set because normally when I drink, this doesn't look like this. Right, sun's not up. I can see people's faces now. People are moving and they're busy, and I'm not worried about being attacked at all. Actually, people are worried about me.

They're actually really upset about me. I'm God. I pissed my scrubs again. I wet my scrubs. Time to take these off in public. Hospital staffs in general are wild people. I worked in operating rooms.

So they deal with like the worst shit ever. Like all day long. They deal with the possibility of somebody could die. Yeah. At work. And then they're just like, all right, now I got to get off my shift and just go to my kids fucking t-ball game. Yeah. They're all wild.

You have to marry somebody with the same time schedule, right? Yeah. A lot of them them they didn't uh knock out that whole marriage thing very well like the overnight shift they were i feel you it was uh they passed each other around a lot they do get my sister is a nurse and her husband works for like a hotel so they have weird schedules so the weird thing with them is they'll hit you up on like a fucking wednesday at four and they're like what are you up to man we're off tomorrow let's do something i'm like, what are you up to, man? We're off tomorrow. Let's do something. I'm like, what are you, out of your mind, dude?

But then if you've got the freedom to do it, you're like, let's fucking do it. Well, it's a good time, but then you realize you have to work tomorrow, and they're just going to be like, I'm going to sleep for the next four days and then be back on the shift at Sunday at 12 or some weird hour. It's nuts. It'd be fun to do for a little bit. It's got to be sick. Yeah, I think they enjoy it.

For like six months. I'd be too scared. I've got to go 9 to 5. I need the man to tell me what to do. You're going to go 9 to 5. You work from home. You're definitely 1043 to 241. You don't know what it's like to turn over and turn that laptop on and go back to bed.

You don't know what I go through. I don't because I would be doing the exact same thing if I didn't have a kid. Yeah, it's tough. It's every day, dude. I log on, look at any email, and I'm like, I need to sleep for three hours. I'm fucking beat. I'm still tired from drinking yesterday.

It's important stuff. That's one boy, dude. Yeah. I don't know. Did we hit an ASCII? We're way over an hour, yeah. Oh, shit. Oh, cool.

You can tell by how tired everybody just got. I know. We got sleepy. I don't got podcast long. I started stretching. I hit the stretch. It's like, hey, where's it at? I ran by here at 5.15 this morning. I was going to started stretching. I hit the stretch. It's like, where's that? I ran by here at 515 this morning.

I was going to knock on your window to fuck with you. I had to get up for, I did get up for, I'm an international businessman. I had to get up for a phone call that I did. That I didn't have to. You're a computer. I am.

Scan, scan, scan, those printers. No, I was, I was very tempted to just not like bang on your window and just take off. I was probably up meditating and doing business.

Oh, true, true. Watching Gary Vaynerchuk. Damn. I just sluggishly went throughout my day. Fucking love doing business. Speaking of doing business, what do you want to promote, Chris? Yeah, dude. Give me that segue.

Very good. Nothing. I got nothing. I'm waiting to hear from the club in like two days. Are you going to do the podcast still or no? You're going to try to just do this live show now? Doing live shows. I got to get back to it.

Yeah. So we'll see. Well, I'll plug it for you. It's still out there, oral presentations. Yeah, and they're topic-based. It's not like news of the day or anything. I did like arc welding, a magician from World War II. Magneto Gorsk.

I did Russian industrializationization they're not great no they're incredible it's a guy that sounds like me who's trying to explain something so it's a mixed bag but check it out it's incredible i it was one of my favorite things to listen through throughout like the lockdown like the real deep part of the lockdown that's what yeah that's what i was cooking when i did a lot of like half-ass DIY stuff at my house listening to you. Part of my kind of nice porch is accredited to you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thanks for having me, guys.

Thanks for coming on, man. What do you got coming up? We got the 28th post-game show. We were talking about that earlier. Come by that. It's a fun time. Good lineup. Good group of kids. We're going to put all their jerseys on the wall. Hot group kids we're gonna take all their jerseys for and give them what for 27th we'll be in philly and northern liberties at a house show kelsey mckee runs so that's just put tickets up there then just check out things just hang out believe in yourself show your dad

you're not scared of him anymore because he gave you too much shit growing up but you're bigger and stronger now and you're sick of uh his shit on weekends or like holidays yeah or you could catch me on uh september 21st oh yeah yeah for sure do interrupt your couch session no you're good yeah oh september 21st are you on light cap no i i'm on the uh call me on the crick at Penn's Landing. What's that place called? I think it's called Penn's Landing. Liberty Point. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Liberty Point, yeah. I just reminded you. But I'll probably swing by Nightcap. Yeah, you're on that one. September 21st. Yeah, Fennell put me on. Oh, nice, nice. It's a small spot, but it's a cool show.

It's like a late night Thursday show. Really wild, fun show. Yeah, just jump in. It's a showcase style thing, so that's pretty cool. Hell yeah. Well, you can catch me after Liberty Point at Nightcap, seeing Chris. And then the next week is post-game. You already mentioned that.

And I got something else coming up in the next couple weeks. I got to travel a bunch, but I got a few shows. It's Montague Comedy. Hacks Comedy Golf. It's still out there. Watch them. I just looked. One of the episodes is almost 2,000 views. So nothing to do with me. So go see which one it is. Outro Music