That Rules Podcast - Episode #94: Travis Kelce, Taylor Swift, and Stuart Little Walk Into a Bar Exam

Episode Date: September 28, 2023

The idiots got a new set up. We are in the JayBird Studios, and boy are we cookin! Tune in to hear about how we don’t give two hecks about no Kelce/ Swift hook up.

Welcome to the fucking dungeon, dude. Yeah, dude, this is fucking sick. This is our new podcast studio. This is Bad Boy Studios. This is our sick dungeon. Bad Boy for life. Patent pending patent approved we are here dude this is sick this is definitely better than my shit ass living room a lot of good things in life happen in basements i feel like if you're doing it right like what like some of the first some of the first drinking no i mean yeah you can

uncles touch everybody all that stuff whatever whatever. No, but like everybody no, I got like some of my best members hanging out with cousins in basements dude at parties. Yeah, whole families part. Did you did you you lived in your basement, right? Yeah, I live down there. I still live there now and I like my mom will come down on ship like what you want for dinner. I'm like you're such a dumb bitch

like you know the way you talk to your mom when you live in a basement and then you run up the steps on all fours. Yeah, I carry up the steps because I'm pretending to be a Pokemon. Oh, that's how we're going to bring our guests in from now on. They have to scurry up the steps afterwards. Even better. They have to scurry down like you. Yeah, true.

No, but like back like family parties, my parents are to host a lot of good family parties and it was always like get to the basement as quick as you can. That's where all the cousins are down there. Yeah, we're going to try all the new wrestling moves. We learned this week from watching wrestling. That's where all the cousins are down there. We're going to try all the new wrestling moves we learned this week from watching wrestling. Someone's going to get hurt. We had an old mattress down there.

My parents kept it fully knowing someone's getting DDT'd through that thing every single weekend. Off the top rope, you're coming off the top of an old couch. None of the furniture ever matched. That was the best part about a basement. Because it was always the stuff your parents didn't want to get rid of. So it was like a floral couch and then a teal couch and then a recliner that has like a head stain in it from like a grandparent that sat in it too long.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. That was a, we used to turn the lights out and you'd play like essentially jailbreak, but it was just like, how fast can you run around the basement before you run into somebody or something? Yeah. The answer is not very long. Yeah, I know. I mean, that's like a, that's like a bottom tier gay cousin

thing to do like doing like fake wrestling. My cousins were magic the gathering cousins. Oh, that's so they would make their own movies, which I right enough. They're also wrestling fan cousins, but they weren't the ones that were actually testing the moves. No, they weren't doing. They were all fake. It was all fake, dude, but I remember like I used this. I use as a young kid. I got into bloopers.

I watched a like Mike movie at the end. They show bloopers. Oh, you were coming at the end they showed bloopers oh yeah you were coming up in the era of DVD extras you were a kid yeah when DVD extras were huge because when I was in college

DVD extras were a big thing and then at the end of like VHS tapes they would just play it while the credits were on you'd see bloopers and I was like that's funnier than anything

in the movie yeah and so I like got to be in one of their skits that they did and it was literally like we raised the vampire from the grave

and I was the vampire being raised they were carrying me in a blanket and i was like i'll just start laughing like they're doing bloopers and so i started laughing and they're like matt we can't edit this we don't know how to edit so like they're just doing one take and they're just stop and start again they were absolute artists because they were just doing one take because they didn't know how to edit or revise it oh yeah so they would just clip together certain tapes all my cousins were shirtless the whole time and they all had like skinny fat bodies. So you watch it back and register this magic. It's played out shirtless chubby Italians and like if you're a chubby Italian and you're like racist, that's cool. But if you're a shirtless Italian and you're into magic, the

gathering, it's hard to watch. They all like smooth pale bodies with no hair and I think often did they ever make you play magic i think i tried i couldn't even fucking read i was oh true you still can't but yeah i mean it's like three years ago i hit a there was a weird like magic phase in high school uh like it was weird i had like two or three groups of friends almost i had my like friends i had my whole life quit bragging my sports friends. And then like, like people I was in a band with or like skate kids, but my friends are my friends. My whole life actually ones. I'm still friends with today.

They got really into magic during high school. Yeah. So like I got a deck because like I sat at lunch with them and stuff. And I bought a secondhand deck off of another kid from the other group of friends who was like, yeah, black market deck. You got a black market deck. That was actually the card. If you threw a black market

deck card, it had fifteen mana on it. I still don't know how the game is played. I was always terrible that stuff like I had the deck. I bought it off a guy from the other group because he was like yeah dude, I'm in high school now. I'm trying to get pussy and smoke weed. Sure, I don't need these cards anymore and I went to my other friends like guys. I got cards. Yeah, but I still didn't. I never understood it. Like I would just be sitting there playing war with them and stuff like whatever. I was like,

I have a royal flush guys. Like I was the same way. I used to get shit from my cousins. They were like, you don't even know how to play Pokemon. You have all these Pokemon. Yeah, you're never going to get a girl pussy.

And I was like, your parents are both going to die before you're like 23. And they did. That's hilarious. I think is like I had very athletic older cousins like to look up to you were over in the corner dribbling a basketball and your cousins are like put down the fucking basketball nerd. It literally was

like come shuffle up this magic. It was like that episode of South Park where it's like you're going to stop being a pussy and you're going to do a play and do put on shows and plays that was the best back and I remember my sister and her friends would just reenact whatever was on SNL that week. Yeah, I mean that's just exactly what we're doing as adults.

Dan, that was real disappointing when you found out Thespian was just an actor. Yeah, but it's also pretty much a lesbian. Yeah, true. Like, it did the job for me. No, lesbians aren't really known for their acting. Yeah, dude, they're pretending they don't want to be dudes. They did pretend to be straight for like 17 years. Yeah, they're incredible at acting.

No, no, no. They pretended to be straight, but everyone was like, we know you're gay. You're so good at soccer. There's nothing like a good short hair lesbian having to come out and everyone's like, yeah, I mean, you're the leading goal scorer in the county. Of course you're gay. Yeah. But who's hotter than like a manly lesbian who's got feminine features. There's some of my, my best friends now I live in the gayest town in America. And once they go short, it's all lesbians. They kind of lose me when they keep that long, dark hair and they're wearing soccer uniforms. there's those ones but then those ones always have the girlfriend which ends up being my bud at the party you're so like me and me and those

gals the bro gals we'll call them bro gals uh we get to hang out in the backyard we talk sports most of them are like d1 athletes yeah so it's incredible every time now i'm like i've never been surrounded by such elite athleticism but knowing that I could fully beat all of them one-on-one in sports right now. Yeah, it's incredible. I mean, what do you, so what do you guys talk about? You just talk, you just talk shop, talk sports. We talk ladies. It's fun.

Yeah, but it's not so stereotypical. Do you actually sit there and talk like, man, we both love snatch? No, like it'll be, there'll be like a new, it'll be interesting because you'll catch like, you'll catch them eyeing somebody up. Like say if we're at like the public pool yeah you're hanging out with the beans for the lesbians and uh me and the beans are hanging out and like a girl be across the pool they'll catch eye of it before i ever will and like they'll almost like give the nudge like fucking see this one over here yeah and then i have to be like what are you talking about and then i find out that my wife's also checking out the same girl and everyone's oh that's pretty good it's like a it's like a free pass yeah i don't personally

look at other women because i do love my girlfriend anything but i can i could like imagine where you're coming from yeah i think like yeah i think white women or uh white women lesbians don't get enough credit for being misogynist they're they're just pros they are what i think the the feminist community they dress exactly like we're dressed right now yeah they they really i don't know they get it i think they get it they understand the importance and sometimes they take it true they love jeeps i love a good jeep uh tire cover that'll tell you if it's a lesbian every single time there was a I was at the tap room earlier and they were having a women for no it was called women on women event

which I was like it's a little all it was it was literally like a lesbian event which was so sick there it is I fit right in I had my bergen socks on and they're like one of us and I was like talking to one of the other guys and I was like damn dude I was like this is what's this a super outback car show outside we're just talking about like if i just went up to them i was like i wish i was in twilight but i'm edward the whole time they'd be like dude me too holy shit yes what the hell the guy i was talking to was like he's like go ask every woman when they started watching sailor moon here you're gonna get some early ages dude were you an anime nerd no

dude i just had a big dick and next question had it shrunk over yeah it's gone i can't find the rest of my body caught up with dear saint anthony come around something's lost can't be found did you have to do that shit back in the day i used to do it yeah do you still do it now yeah and i like fully have sworn off god and sometimes i like talk to him you still you still rep the saints if it gets bad enough i'm like i will i will recontact i think that's fine you should be able to swear off religion, but still follow the saints. I think that's some good messages. True. I agree. You're right. Yeah, but I'm saying like I

like him pretty agnostic and or atheist and but if things get bad enough, I will recontact God like a little shit eating like rich. Oh yeah. What is it? There's no atheist in a foxhole. Yeah, they say yeah my foxhole is like I got a mean email from work.

My foxhole is I'm bombing open mic and i'm like god damn it i really need to fucking throw this one around yeah literally it's like my fox holes my girlfriend won't give me any more fox hole i'm like dear god please give me a fuck i'm the most biggest guy fox hole has to be a fox news like that's been off right yeah, you're in the fox hole. Welcome to the fox hole up first Obama's gay lover up next. You see that dude yeah Tucker had a guy on for like forty five minutes. I was just like yeah, and then I deep throat Obama. Yeah, I mean that guy was clearly on heroin the entire interview. He had double wrist brace on. Yeah, he's our teacher brace. If you're not roller skating or bowling, there's no reason to ever wear more than one wrist brace. Yeah, he's our teacher brace. If you're not roller skating or bowling, there's no reason to ever wear more than one wrist brace. Yeah, he's like

an Indian Sikh. He's got the metal wrist guards on each hand. It was terrifying looking dude. Looks like he's driving an Uber should be. He probably was. That's probably how he got there. No, he took one there. He's classy. He's blown president. All that being said, I do think that guy's out of his mind.

This is my first time. This hold this. Oh, Jay's giving me shit. You're let me be an artist and let me do my thing. Yes. So anyway, don't ever interrupt me when I'm. Let's start getting into cool ways to hold Mike's. Don't ever me when I'm in my flow, but the fox hold this one's for the ladies. This is the scissoring attempt. Who we talk to with like a cigar like this, how Jay holds a mic when he talks and he chimes in. He's like oh true. I'm gonna It's like a cigar. This is how Jay holds a mic when he talks and he chimes in. He's like, oh, true. I'm gonna start holding like a cigar. I walked by or

ran by. He holds the mic like the bad guy or bad girl and a hundred Dalmatians here. Seriously has a long little cigarette. Oh yeah. Corolla Deville. Yeah. Yeah. Adam Corolla Deville and Corolla Deville. Yeah. She loved those puppies. Sorry. So what's up? We have this is a state of the

union state of the dude. You union dude union. There's something there. So what's up? This is the State of the Union. State of the Dude-ion. Dude Union? Dude Union? There's something there. Yeah. What have you been up to? We haven't just discussed life betwixt us.

I've just been good. It's been a while. I'm just not even exaggerating because you want to know what I've been up to, I guess. Yeah, but don't do something cute where you're like, just fucking crushing it and flipping it up and slapping it down. I'm not. I'm being for real. What's life like. Can I tell you?

Are you going to let me tell you? Are you going to be you take this serious? A hundred percent. All right. Okay. Lately, and this is something I've noticed, and I've had like a couple people close to me bring it up. They're like, dude, you just been getting it done.

I hate you. I hate you so much. You got to admit that I'm talking. I'm going to play with Legos. What do you talk? Nobody has a child at this house. Here we have some. Oh, my God. you keep talking to me i'm

getting deep into a lego set right now there's camels there's legos but what have you been up to like what is life bringing you i've just been getting a lot of stand-up i know you don't really do that anymore but i've just been uh how come we have the best podcast ever? I forgot about that. You've been coming at me for not doing stand-up lately, and I've been doing stand-up, damn it. Yeah, dude. I hear it. Like twice quarterly, you get it done.

You're just hating. You're hating on me. I'm traveling. I'm an international businessman. You are busy. I am busy. You are always traveling. I will give you that.

I was just up in Boston. I was just in Gillette Stadium where the Patriots play. Yes. I got to – so there's a – they built this lighthouse, basically. I think they just built it for Tom Brady to go stand at the top of. Yeah. Because the first game against the Eagles, which we all know how that went. Yep. Close loss.

Close win. Tom Brady was his first time back in Foxborough, and they brought him up to the top of this lighthouse that overlooks the stadium, and he rang this bell, this little fake-ass Liberty Bell. It was like, ooh, I love you guys too. So I was walking by it, and my colleague was like, oh, shit, this is the doors to that lighthouse. I was like, I wonder if they're open.

They were. And he's like, well, there's no way the elevator works. They would shut that off right now. So we just walked up, and I was like, boop, fully works. He's like, well, there's no way we can go to the top. I was like, well, let's just hit top floor. We go up and it just opens up to literally overlooking Gillette Stadium, this beautiful setup.

We get out there and I was like, holy shit, this is that bell that Tom Brady rang at the game the other day. Really? I was like, it'd be a shame if someone were to ring this right now. Yeah. Fake ass Liberty Bell. Didn't even have a crack in it. Not a single crack?

Not one crack in there. That's crazy. You snuck up there. Nobody said anything. There was no like alarm. I'm the new goat. I think since I rang the bell, I'm the new goat.

You are looking more and more like Tom Brown. I am. You're right. And I've been kissing my son that I don't have on the mouth. You kiss me every time I get done one of these. Well, yeah.

You go do those. A great episode. Tradition. We're not in the dungeon for no reason. I know. So I went to the top of some dumb lighthouse. I don't know, man. Don't call it dumb dungeon for no reason. I know. But yeah, so I went to the top of some dumb lighthouse. I don't know, man. Don't call it dumb. It sounds like a nice

lighthouse. No, there's not even a light on it. You can't call it a lighthouse. There's no light. It's a big tower with no top. Yeah, most of them. It looks like they built most of it and then they were like, fuck, we forgot about the part that makes it a lighthouse. Yeah, I guess lighthouses aren't that cool. Yeah. My parents' house has like 14 lights.

What is all the hype? Dude, My parents' house has like 14 lights. What is all the hype? Dude, my parents' house has so many lights. They're like, oh, this is a lighthouse. Did your parents have candles in the windows, fake candles? Yes. Yes. Why did that generation love that? Yeah, but just for holidays, though.

That's how shitty we were. We weren't even like a year-round candle in there. We were just for like Christmas time. I think ours started with holidays, and my parents just never took them down. Yeah. Yeah, my mom would just convince herself, like, these are like the April lights. Oh, April lights. But they were also the Christmas lights.

April lights is also a porno name. April lights has one of the fattest asses I've ever seen. April lights sounds like a cigarette that a white girl smoke in high school. April lights. Bring my flowers. I still pack April lights for my aunt. You want to meet after school in the woods? April lights.

That's so sick. I was talking about the other day. I guess I talked about it last episode. I can't rehash it, but I just can't get over the fact that my mom quit cigarettes for 20 years and then just begun them again. What do you think made her start up again? You? My dad had a heart attack.

Oh, she started after your dad had a heart attack? Oh, so she's on the fuck it. There's no... No, she actually started right before and then that put her in a fucking hyperdrive. You think that caused your dad's heart attack? Maybe so. My dad cared so much. The stress that it was putting on your dad's heart and her lungs. Yeah, he got saying he loved her so much. Well, that's still for debate. Anytime I have a phone call with my mom, she's like, is that your dad? Axie just I'm like, all right, cool. No, they've been together long enough. We don't love each other anymore.

Yeah, but that's just hard to why it's upsetting i wish they would it's fun it's fun as you age and you start to realize you're like oh fuck my parents are just people yeah true i wonder i mean you're gonna they are people people are people you have to look at trish and be like i'll never love you in like a couple years i don't know i think you guys love each other a whole lot and we love love yeah i think that because like the, our parents generation, they were, they were close enough in age,

like your parents, my parents that it's like, I think that they didn't show so much affection to each other that it's like our generation goes over the top, like spend more time together. I mean, aside from being locked together for three years because of something that happened,

allegedly out of a bat. Covaroni and cheese you're talking about? That's the one. Which it's coming out now that they were like, yeah, an official went to the Wuhan lab a year before the outbreak and was like, yo, we're all fucked. Yeah. They confirmed it was from a lab leak. Yeah. Sorry.

But yeah, I think our generation wants to spend more time with each other. Yeah. But yeah, I think our generation wants to spend more time with each other. Yeah, but do they want to do it because they have the entire social media they need to impress at the same time? Not only are you impressing your significant other, you're like, well, I also have to show my 15, 16-year-old followers. You got to show your love off. It's fun showing your love off. I don't like it at all.

No? My girlfriend wishes I would do it way more. You did a photo shoot where you guys are cute basketball players. Tell me you don't love it at all. I was asked to do it all. You guys would do it in a heartbeat. I would Jay would. I can tell you that I actually want to. We were discussing it before you got here. Jay's wife was like, what the fuck is that all about? Like, is it mad a pussy? She was like he is big day was given. Yeah, she was like, I cross him up. She probably got

jealous, dude. So I wish I could who said she would never hoop it up with me. I wish I could who with my eye to you guys in hockey gear putting on the gloves, babe. Look, I can refer you guys

to the photographer because I know you want to do it, dude. She was I hope you guys do a seasonal shoot. We were supposed to do no, we're in the offseason. We we we're supposed to do a family photo shoot last weekend, but it was really nasty out.

So we still have a family photo shoot on deck. If you guys could just come and play basketball in the background of the pictures so it looks like they were shot on the same day. No, I actually have a bet. I think I'm going to start doing photo shoots with Gab, and I'm going to use your daughter in all the photo shoots and just not address it.

It's just my buddy's kid. We don't know until the pictures come out. All the pictures are just us screaming. Where was she that day? She was hooping with the boys, with the dogs. I think she could hoop it up. The funniest part was we got there and it was just a girl that Gab found on the internet

who was a pseudo photographer. Very sweet girl finding out after the fact but beforehand it was just like a girl that she venmoed to 70 and then this girl was just like a barely freelance photographer so you could see when we pulled in we were kind of like looking from her car and then we also saw her and her boyfriend circling the parking lot and it was just like us wondering like if the other person would rape the other person yeah she brought her boyfriend because she was like I might be getting abducted rightfully. So I would have done the same thing. There's a good chance. I'm going to get abducted. Yeah,

it was they told me to meet him at a basketball court. Yeah, they're going to take basketball photos. Yeah, I'm not falling for that one and then boyfriend was probably like well, they're probably division one athletes and they want to share their love of basketball. She was like no one's a bartender and the other one's a comic or something. I don't know. People keep thinking I'm a good athlete. No, I got to witness two or three times. I got to witness firsthand how terrible of an athlete you are

when we played pickleball last week. First of all, not a real sport. Second of all, I was genuinely, I'm not even trying to be funny, way better than you were. No, the footage comes out this week. I don't know, Jay, you were there. Who looked more athletic playing pickleball? All right, he's abstaining.

You can't let him abstain. He needs a vote. We're going to watch the footage this week. I watching your serves. Yes, but who looked more athletic? I mean, you were both in sweats. Yeah, but they were my sweatsuits. They were my track suits to be fair. So I thought to give you that back.

I had sunglasses on too and a headband. I was also just more dexterous and powerful. You served every serve like this. Yeah, dude. Because I'm trying to trick the competition. The best was by the end of it. I was like, Matt, you know you can serve them underhand

and not look like an idiot. You're like, oh, fuck. I had no idea. I don't think it looked that. We're going to see. The footage comes out this week. Tune in, listener. like an idiot you're like oh fuck i know i had no idea i i don't think it looked that well we're gonna see the footage comes out this week tune in listener uh crossing broad we went and played pickleball with uh former guest kyle uh pagan yeah he goes by kiki now kiki piggies uh kiki piggies kiki blinders we met up with him he had a uh what we thought was a ringer the entire time

he had this 22 year old cute little twink just twink from Temple. Just a supple boy, dude. Just a supple boy, just wearing the shortest of shorts. And the entire time, I fully thought he was just playing a joke on us and he was going to be like, this is actually blah, blah, blah. He's a world renowned pickleball player. Yeah. And this kid couldn't have sucked any more at pickleball.

He was also very terrible. Everyone sucked. Let's put it at that. Kyle was okay. He was just big. He just knew the rules. Yeah, that helps quite a bit. He was also very terrible. Everyone sucked. Let's put it at that. Kyle was okay. He was just big. He just knew the rules. Yeah, that helps quite a bit. He also just kept yelling out random numbers that were apparently the score. Yeah. Well, I think it was like picking his partner was less about the talent and more about distracting us with a sexy boy.

True, true, which he did. He did. What was his name? Gustavo? Yeah, Gustavo Rodriguez or something like that. You put a Spaniard in some short shorts. You put him out in front of us. We're going to look.

I will tell you, one of the funnier things about being a younger man is like... You're not young. You're so not young. Wrong. I am one of the youngest boys. But like hitting somebody with like a fake gay sense of humor and they're not receiving it well

is one of the funniest things you can do. When you're making like gay, like, yeah, I might fuck you, dude. And they're like, oh, no, don't. It's the funniest thing. Yeah, he didn't pick up on the sarcasm of it at all, I don't think. He felt actually in danger. He turned around and was like, look at that supple ass.

And he was like, dude, thanks. But like, come on. Time and a place. I would think it's a compliment. It was also hilarious. So we played at, what was it called? City Pickle, right? Which is next to City Hall.

And we said in the beginning of it, it's hilarious to know that like inside, there's somebody getting sentenced to 25 to life. Yeah. And outside we were just like, guys, it's Friday morning, ready to pickle? Yeah, I mean, apparently they have them at like big city landmarks throughout the country.

They just like set up pickleball things. Yeah. It's a sensation that's we have one at ground zero. They call it ground love like they were like they were like dude, you have to serve from that side of like I forgot and I'm like never forget about that rule you smack, but and two people pay is like two little twin towers true. They liked us over there. I think they thought we were fun and cool. Yeah, it was funny to watch

people passing by and trying to figure out what was going on. Yeah. Walked on the court. You and I fully thought he was there to just rob Kyle. I mean, I think he was like, can I use your phone? And he was like, no. Oh, cool. Yeah, that's bold. It's a bold move. It is scary. I don't know. It was fun.

Oh, really? He's an, the guy's a full on influencer. Well, they always say if you want to promote yourself, you should walk on to the middle of somebody doing something and try to grab their phone from them. That's what that I think that's how exactly how Chris Rock got his start. Yeah, but I mean, if you're going to rob anybody, you're definitely like scouting a pickleball court at 945 in the morning. you want to rob somebody where there's two cameramen capturing the entire thing true true but if you're doing good for you know somewhere in kyle's head he was like nah if i did get robbed here the views would go through the roof true true the roof i would get robbed on camera to make a little bit more money if i was like doing a set and i thought i'd get a viral that's a thing you just put out

on the internet that's a a challenge. No, seriously. If you're watching this. Your turn. Ball's in your court. If you're watching this and you see me doing standup, maybe you're like listening to the podcast, you follow me on Instagram, rob me on set and like bring a gun, bring a knife, put it to my belly, whatever. Rob me. Hurt me.

Spit on me. Choke me. Like now you're just getting sadistic with it. If you have a ball gag, put it on me. Make me wear a dress. I don't know. Make me wear it. Tell me I'm a fat little girl.

Whatever, dude. I'm not, dude. I'm not a fat little girl. I'm a big, strong boy. People have been saying, is Matt a fat little girl? I used to always tell them, I don't know,

but lately I've been like, I don't know. Oh, dude, speaking of fat little girls, I ran into Andrew Boss last night. ran to andrew boss in the airport the other day he may not have a house he's just no no he does i dropped uh i dropped something off to him i think that he left at high note and he has a house that is he's fully living through the middle of a reno yes so it's just like no drywall on the walls he's raising a kid there every once in a while but i saw him in the airport he's raising a kid there every once in a

while but i saw him in the airport coming back from uh he just went solo to a music festival in phil in uh chicago and i was leaving to fly out for work he was landing really he's coming back to town wow yeah he's a man about town he's moving and shaking he really is i mean i catch him at different places all the time sometimes he'll call me and be like i saw you you don't even see me he's active in the streets. I'll be walking down. I get my little grande French vanilla sweet cream cold brew from Starbucks. And he says, I saw you.

You guys are named. You guys live right down the street from each other. Yeah. Yeah. Two twenty five. Had an avenue building two thousand. You give the combo to his front door. We don't ever lock it.

So you're stabbing. Shoot me. Shoot me. Rob me. Murder me. Did you give out your real address? Yeah. Who gives a fuck, dude?

I don't care anymore. I want you to timestamp that, and I don't want you to cut it out. I want you to elevate the levels. That'll be a reel we'll put together for it. No, dude. Chris, what episode's doing well? I shouldn't.

That's not something to talk about. This is the part where we just discussed. Let's discuss the strategy for the podcast. No, I just went to an engagement. I watched an engagement happen yesterday. You did? Yeah, I'm getting to an engagement. I watched an engagement happen yesterday. You did? Yeah, I'm getting to the age where people are getting engaged.

Oh, I just hit the end age of, I think my last close friend got married. Yeah. I'm approaching my wedding era. It's fun. That's actually a good way to measure because we're 10 years apart and that instead of saying 10 years,

it's like the wedding. I'm leaving it and you're entering it. Yes. It is a good time. It is. It's financially draining. I lucked out in that they were spaced out and I was only in two Yes. It is a good time. It is. It's financially draining. I lucked out in that they were spaced out and I was only in two weddings as like a groomsman.

The most recent one I was in, they just decided not to do like a bridal party. Yeah. And it was kind of the best setup. It was fun. Like nobody had that burden of like, I got to spend a fucking thousand dollars to go to this thing. Yeah. I've been thinking about this and I don't know if I ran this bit by you. I'll eventually do it on stage, but I think you should be allowed to determine

the amount that you give at the end of the wedding. I don't think you should have to seal that check in an envelope with a card before the wedding because you're putting a gamble on how fun that night's going to be. I 100% agree. I thought it was a great I thought it made complete sense. I underpaid my friend on the most recent wedding. So that's like sometimes the bride and groom come out on top.

They throw a shit wedding, but you give a bunch of money. In this case, I low balled the amount. I gave a good amount, but it exceeded the amount that we gave. Yeah, but you should have to give him well, not yet. And all together all around night, it exceeded it. Yeah, if I want to nitpick, we can nitpick.

You should be like a prick dad, like tipping at a restaurant where he takes the money away in front of the waitress to be like, that was wrong. Yeah, I'm going to sit this 20. I know what our bill is going to be. I'm going to sit this 20% out on the table. And every time you don't bring me a new Diet Coke with fresh ice, I'm going to slide a little bit of it away.

Now, at the end of the night, when everybody's hammered, you go up to the bride and the groom and you give them two 50s and you take one 50 away and you go, I can get chicken parm anywhere and then spit on them. Thank God I don't drink anymore. It's just me over at the card box opening them up and i'm like i'm taking a little bit back every you you go around you like take photos in the photo booth by yourself like you're just testing out every aspect they have somebody pulled tits out in the photo booth apparently at the wedding i was just that really a girl we grew up with uh actually i shouldn't even this doxing everything but cousin of the groom

apparently pulled her knockers out really in the in the booth that that word got around the wedding actually, I shouldn't even, this is doxing everything, but cousin of the groom apparently pulled her knockers out in the booth. That word got around the wedding like real quick. And you saw a bunch of dudes that grew up with us were like, I mean, not everyone always kind of wanted to see him. Yeah. That's kind of funny. Like when you do the group pictures, the photographer's like do something silly. And she's like, fuck my big, my mom tits. So what you saw on engagement on engagement hits at the engagement that would be great if women could squirt milk out of their tits at all times they'd be way funnier than they are they can they're lying yeah if they can queef they could do that if we could queef and squirt

milk out of their titties that that's they'd be so much funnier dude if you met a woman who was literally like beep beep honk honk, it was a squirt squirt. She gets you with a milk milk lemonade around the corner fudge is made in real life. Yeah, but a liberal guy is like, is this almond milk? Is this oat milk? Nah, it's double D milk, dude. Suckle. I did see an engagement, though.

All right. Set the scenario. It was nice. It was real good. It was at a Phillies game. It was on the Jumbotron. Yeah, it was good. Like the... Fuck, now I got to make it funny.

No, but it was really nice. It was like... But there was the anxiety of it was on everybody. Were you a part of it? I watched. But like you knew this was happening before it happened. Well, the funniest part was when she walked in because it was a surprise. It was at the girl's aunt's house. That's

where you always want to propose to the love of your life. Shut up. Don't you free on a Sunday afternoon in October? It was very nice. It was truly very, very nice. Yeah, hon, did you want to use my Bob Graham pool? This is below ground. I got an idea.

I'm going to meet her on the end of the diving board. I'm going to tell her, babe, will you take a plunge with me? And if she says no, I'm going to push the bitch into the pool. Yeah, you should propose at the polar bear plunge every year. Oh, yeah. We can get back to the polar bear plunge. We can talk about that. Sorry, engagement. You witnessed the nupt Bear Plunge every year. Oh, yeah. We can get back to the Polar Bear Plunge and talk about that. Sorry, engagement.

You witnessed the nuptials. But it was kind of funny. That was me. So, like, it was my girlfriend's friend getting engaged. And then so, like, you know, you hang out with the boyfriends. They're a big group of girls that all have friends. Well, they're small girls, but they're a big group of them. They're not big girls.

They're smaller girls. Fattest group of girls you've ever seen. No, they're all actually unbelievably thin. Just huge. Either way. Big broads. Hefty. No, small. tiny hefty tiny tiny girls uh and it was kind of never say tiny girls the girl tiny small girls that you can get a hold of just about as quick as possible and when you get them...

But so they walked in. Dude, they walked in. And like, I got a pretty annoying looking face. And then the other boyfriend that was standing next to me has a very nice regular looking face. Regardless, anyway. Go through all the boyfriends' faces one by one real quick. Pretty good, honestly.

It's a decent looking group of guys. All right, rank them. Ugliest guy's face. What's the weirdest thing on this face? Knowing that they're probably going to see this probably mine. Yeah, they're all these dude. They're all like tan, dark haired, good looking guys. And then I'm like, what's up, everyone?

They're like, dude, she's going to say yes. Well, beautiful and gain me. They're like, oh my God, he's talking can you squirt milk out of your boobs no I can queef they get one

or the other the people who can do both are avatar from the avatar list they can bend all elements they can bend all elements fire is just eating taki chips and uh so anyway she walked in and she was surprised she didn't know what was happening and the first two people she made eye contact with was me and the other boyfriend so she walks into her aunt's house and just sees us

and we were like hey and she's like what the fuck is this fuck out of my aunt diane's house yeah and then but it went well like she said yeah she was like hell yeah and then she hit him with a yup yeah she was like why not yeah swallow yup uh but it was nice it was like it was kind of cool witnessing that happen for the first time yeah um and then it was just i guess it's just like one of those things where it's like immediately after it's like, yeah, now what? Like something incredible life changing just happened. Yeah. That's like, you just kind of walk away.

I propose. And then we walked and got tacos. That was what happened. It was like magical moment. Are you hungry? I'm kind of hungry. Yeah. There's a taco place.

I walked right away in here. Like it really is like all the planning. And then you're like, fuck, I should got reservations somewhere. Cool. Or something. Yeah. Yeah. Well, then we walked to, then we went to chicken and the egg in here. Like, it really is like all the planning and then you're like, fuck, I should have got reservations somewhere cool or something. Yeah. Yeah. Well, then we went to Chicken and the Egg

in Marlton. And dude, when you go to a bar and you're not expecting a band and you just want to sit and talk, there's nothing worse. Especially when you're with a group of people

you don't, yeah, full loud live band. Sunday afternoon. It was, this was Saturday night at this point. Okay. And it's just,

you're just screaming and it's like some of her friends that I don't know as Okay. And it's just, you're just screaming. And it's like some of her friends that I don't know as well. So I'm like, so you finished nursing school next semester? Is that? Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. And they ask you about stand-up. And you're like, it's embarrassing that I do it. It's really bad.

I'm thinking about killing myself. I think I might kill myself. I'm 27, and I'm already at the downfall of my life. You know, Cobain had already tried a couple times by this age. And he was talented. I just got to do this freelance. You want a Miller Lite, you said? No, not a dollar.

I haven't made anything. Sometimes nothing. Sometimes just I don't even make gas money. You know how you're drinking beers right now? Sometimes I get those for free. A lot of the people who book it, I fucking hate them. I have to pretend I like them. Which, that's a new thing I'm realizing.

The two drink tickets for getting to do a show suck when you don't drink. Yeah. Wait, what do you get? I just hand them back to them. I say, no thanks. Can I have fries? And then I get up there and I'm like, can I get a soda? And they're like, yeah, that'll be $6.

I'm like, fuck, I need that ticket back. You should just be the comic who orders drinks and then pours it out in front of the bartender to be like, I don't need this to have fun. And they're like, you think you're doing something nice but they're like this guy's a fucking douche just do it on stage yeah you all want this wouldn't you i can imagine you some of you might suck it off of the floor you want this stuff so bad that'd be me alcoholics yeah that was fun going to a wedding uh not drinking that was interesting that can't be fun i drink too many club sodas my tummy tummy hurt. Started seeing doubles.

At the end of the night, everyone's like, how do you feel? They're all fucked up. And I was like, oh, my tummy hurts from all the carbonation. I have to pee a lot nonstop. It was a good time. I had other substances in my body. We were having a good time. What else did you have?

Edibles. Delicious, delicious. Edible arrangements. Chocolate covered, strawberries, pineapples, the whole kitten caboodle. Really? You had the kid and the caboodle? Ate the kitten and the caboodle. We should rename the podcast.

Caboodle's definitely a name for a bot, right? We should have just called this kitten caboodle. Kitten caboodle. It's just us with cute kittens every week. This one's name is Mittens. And we have to kill them on camera? If we have to, we get to. That's why this background is perfect for killing cats.

This is it. We might kill cats back then. We have your cat hostage. have to we did that's what this background is perfect for killing cats this is it we might kill cats back we have your cat hostage this is it's funny because this this setup i had this in an apartment in harrisburg it was the best apartment i've ever had this setup is either you're doing really good in life or you're doing really bad in life yeah if you have the real wall like this you're doing bad if you have it where they repurpose something you're doing very good yes if a single white guy lives and this is part of his apartment

and he's got a problem, if two gay guys live here, this is character. Oh, yeah. It's got real pizzazz. It has bones. It's got good bones. Yeah. Terrible for insulation if you have an apartment that looks like this. You used to get chilly? Oh, so chilly. But then it would be cool because if you wanted to cool off, you'd just

put your feet on the wall. You lay on you'd just put your feet on the wall. You're laying on the couch, touch your feet on the wall. You put your feet on a brick? You have brick feet? You think I'm not? Your feet haven't touched brick in a while? When's the last time your feet touched brick? Three days ago, idiot.

I'm Spider-Man. I was scaling a wall quickly in a tight suit. Why did Spider-Man make it that tight? True. He could have made it a very like reasonable fit sweat pant. Yeah. You know, he made it by himself. He started to get a little bit jacked.

That's like dudes making stringers at the gym. They get a little bit jacked and they're like, I'm showing skin. True. If he had like any influence. Oh, stringers like the meathead tank top. Yeah. Did you ever make one of those?

I have so much. How close? Do you really? Tons. How close have you been? No, you've really made those you work out in stringer. Not now. Back in my heyday. Nowadays, it's a

little bit just cut so low, right? They were connected where like the hem met. Yeah, no. One time I was walking. We actually know what we should lean into that. You should be that guy again. No, I came downstairs in a sleeveless shirt today, and I think my wife divorced. Yeah, you have smokers arms. No, I got cross country arms atveless shirt today, and I think my wife wanted to divorce me. Yeah, you have smokers arms

Oh, no, I got cross-country arms. I have cross-country runner arms. It sucks They're just like not you know No, it is it's true. It's like you agree. You don't know what it is, but you kind of agree, right? Iggy pop, you know, iggy pop like looks jack, but he also looks frail. Yeah, I don't only biceps But like my triceps are out of this world. It's like skinny guy bat bat woman wings like that moms have where the bottom of their arm kind of like flaps. Oh, and not an arm and arms. Yeah, and I'm the sequel to an arm into the multiplex. It's a super villain. Auntie arms and Paul Rhodes playing through the air with her fucking big flappy arms to her night nurse job.

All of my aunts just get drunk and talk about their husbands dying. Dude, I had a great. So it's Irish weekend right now. Just said, yeah, down in Wildwood. They never even started. Yeah, true. No, dude, they partied right through it. So my mom is a like seasoned vet with Irish weekend.

She loves it. She's seen anybody or no. What's that? I don't know. We always talk about that. She should date somebody. No, she's just been hanging with Irish Weekend. She loves it. She seen anybody or no? What's that? I don't know. We always talk about that. She should date somebody. No, she's just been hanging with her gal pals. Obviously, this would never happen real quick.

But, like, if me and Gab, if Gab broke up with me, as well she should. And then I got on, like, Hinge or whatever. And, like, I ran into, like, Mrs. Montag. No. You think we'd go on, like, a date? No. No? She had a date.

Fuck, boys. What about, like, young guys with, like, a lot of potential? I think she'd go on like a date? No. No? She doesn't date fuckboys. What about like young guys with like a lot of potential? I think she would go gay. I could do that. I'm wearing burgundy socks. Yo, hon, you gonna go gay? Dude, nothing like a South Jersey mom going gay in her 60s. Yeah, we spent a good run, but I'm going to try puss for a little bit, hon.

I don't think that's unheard of. I think that may happen more often than you expect. I think that happens everywhere around the country. Big body mommies go bez. They get sick. Yeah, they're like, I've just been dealing with the same fucking dude forever. True. I'm going to try a little snizz.

Yeah. I don't know. Yeah, but I don't know. A lesbian in their 60s, what are they up to? Probably the coolest stuff ever. They go on a bunch of trips. Like where? Lesbians love trips, dude.

They do. They are abroad. They're always abroad They don't travel far Yeah They love like a local trip Oh, you think They all love going to Delaware beaches

New Hope New Hope Wow, my parents are going to New Hope next weekend True My lesbian ass parents are going See, both of your parents are just going to go Put their toe in the water on being gay And they're going

They're actually going And primarily they're going to go antiquing Nice Oh, your parents are so gay They're staying in New Hope Damn,'re going to-go antiquing. Nice. Oh, your parents are so gay. They're staying in New Hope. Damn. I can't wait until they sit you and your sister down and be like,

listen, mommy and daddy still love each other very much. Yeah. But we both just love the same sex a lot more. Yes. That'd be fine. Even if they just pretended they were both women. It would be fun hooking your parents up with somebody if they just went gay in their 50s and their 60s. True.

I would like to hook my dad up with a hot gay black guy. Oh, like tall? Short. I don't know how in height. Really, really short. Like a long one? Perhaps a longer older gay one? You're like, aren't all old black guys tall?

No, dude. I want like a Muggsy Bogues for my dad. Like a 37-year-old Muggsy Bogues who always wears like tight polos and he goes to Adelphia's nightclub. Muggsy Bogues did have a gay mustache. They all did back in the day. True. Michael Jordan had one earring. Michael Jordan had a Hitler mustache for a minute too.

Yeah, that was a little wild. He had that moment where he was like, if there's anybody that could bring this back, it's me. It's up to me or Gretzky. And Gretzky had like a pale blonde mustache. And he's like, I can't do it. He's like, it's on you, MJ. It's me. It's up to me or Gretzky. And Gretzky had like a pale blonde mustache. And he's like, I can't do it. And he's like, it's on you, MJ. Oh, dude, speaking of H-Money, I watched this movie called Conspiracy,

which was, it was literally a dialogue heavy. He's just a friend of Hitler and H-Money. You mean H-Sizzle? You didn't know he had a belly rocker tattoo that said H-Money? I won't say his name. He who should not be named. He's Voldemort.

True. But I watched this movie called Conspiracy, and it was about how they planned out. It was fucked up, but they just planned out how they were going to go about the H cost. And everybody in there is just like a German general at the time.

So they're all horrific, evil people. But it's a movie, so you do have to kind of angle a protagonist. You know what I mean? There has to be some central figure. So watching a movie where the main good guy was like, you can't kill him. You got to castrate him.

That was like the main guy. He was the, he was the one who's like, nah, we can't do it. Do that. I'll like, like canonize them.

It'll make them like saints. Yes. He was like the good guy. So I was like, ah, he's a good man. But then I'm thinking about everything that's happening. I'm like,

oh my God, he's awful. He's evil too. Do you think like at one point, like they, they were like, we got to get this guy out of here. And then all the other generals came in and they laid their Nazi uniforms on Hitler's awful. He's evil too. Do you think like at one point, like they were like, we got to get this guy out of here and then all the other generals came in

and they laid their Nazi uniforms on Hitler's desk. Yeah. And they were like, he can take my spot coach. He can take my spot coach. It's just a full Rudy. They hung their uniforms up in the rafters. I mean, in Rudy, they were all white.

Yeah. That's also why it's not a believable college football movie. I guess back then their name probably was all white. Sorry i didn't get you off the hill sorry no yeah sorry getting off my passion but um no i'm kidding obviously joking around but uh yeah it was nuts dude like it was very deeply upsetting thank god those guys lost right yeah well that was cool at the very end they did a nice thing where they showed each guy because there's all a real person they showed how each person died and it was like the ones who died were like kind of like the g's not they were g's that's a word but like they were like just watching you backpedal out of glory that sounds awful no that sounded awful but like the ones they were

all bad the ones who died were like the guys who were like no i think what we did was right but then you saw so many were like when they got arrested were saying oh i think what we did was right. But then you saw so many were like, when they got arrested, were saying, oh, I hated what we did. We thought it was wrong the whole time. It's like, you lying pussy. True. They were all just trying to get out of stuff. Bad guys. I would kick each and every one of their asses with both my legs. They're all in Argentina.

None of them died. They all lived their lives out in Argentina. That whole theory. You ever hear that one? Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's why Lionel Messi looks kind of white. That's why most Argentinians look white. You didn't hear it from us. Yeah. I grew up with a family that was from Argentina and I was like, but you look exactly like me.

How's that possible? And they're like, no. Nine. I mean, no. They say C and nine. It's funny. Your Spanish sounds a little German. Anyway. Proposal at Ant's house, you say.

It was nice. That's your first proposal you've seen? I'm trying to think of any other proposal. No, I caught one. Did you clap when she said yes? What do you do? That was the whole thing is I didn't know what to do. Like after they hug and they kiss,

it's just you watching people have like a really nice moment you also have to really really know that she's gonna say yes oh well this was kind of something i went to go say all but then i retracted the all and so i haven't talked to gab about it it came out as ew i swear to god i went i would say all but then i was like that's weird don't say. So I just went and like I was standing next to like two of her relatives and they just like looked at me like, did you just come? Did you just come? It was a pet. I love this.

Subtly come. Oh, good. Now I big time. God, I fucking love love. I big time shot shot. Yeah, it was not so, but it was really nice. Shout out to them. It's bold.

How did you propose uh i was a surprise proposal end of a pier uh which was bold uh because if i dropped the ring between the slots i would have just gone off the end of the pier like this is it yeah i lost all my money uh so my wife was already out in california and flew out and surprised her. But it was like she went out there to visit. Her sister had just had her second kid. And when you – a very, very newborn kid. If you ever go see somebody, oh, so-and-so just had a kid. We're going to go over and see him.

You're there for an hour. But it's like to go and hang out for five days with a newborn in a house is the most uneventful thing. So she went out there for a couple days and hung out it was just her on her phone bored out of her mind yeah texting me like this i mean it's great i'm getting to see my nephew but it's like there's not much to do he's sleeping my you know my sister just pushed a human out of her we're not out partying and in my head i'm like it's about to get the most exciting it's ever gonna get yeah for you not for me me. I'm a dude, you know. Right. But flew out there, stood at the end of a pier.

Didn't know it got cold in January at the end of piers in the Pacific Ocean. So I shivered a whole bunch out of nerves. You shivered your timbers? Your own timbers? My timbers were fully chipped. God damn it. And her family, like, so her sister was like, we're going to get up and go, like, for a walk at this pier.

It's really nice. And at that point, she was, like, over the trip. She's like, yeah, I think I'm just going to, like, so her sister was like, we're going to get up and go like for a walk at this pier. It's really nice. And at that point she was like over the trip. She's like, yeah, I think I'm just going to like hang out. Yeah. She's like, you have to go. And also she's trying to get her to like put something on. Like, hey, maybe like, you know, get a shower, wash your hair a little bit. She's like, why?

I mean, we're going to walk down a pier. Yeah. She's like, nah, you know, you should probably look your best anytime you leave the house. You know, it might be the most important day of your life. Right. Right. Yeah. So by the time she got to me, she was, she was excited, but she was just like very ready to be like, let's get all this fucking beer.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It is. Yeah. But it's like what the, the sisters and like good friends will have to like subtly like sound like they're insulting them so that they're, they look their best for the proposal.

So like her friends were like, oh my God, you're not going to get your nails done today? Why not? You should have them done for this weekend. What are you, ugly and dumb? What are you? You're not trying in life anymore? Oh my God. You can't wear that dress on Saturday at four.

Dave's going to leave you. Dave is going to leave you if you wear that dress, not Saturday at four. Wear that exact one you wore three weeks ago that you looked very good in. Oh, you. In the test run pictures. I mean, what?

You can't get your period right now. Put it back in. Don't get it now. Just run pictures. I mean, what? You can't get your period right now. Put it back in. Don't get it now. Just say no. Why don't they ever put it back in? True. They can just look at their vagina and scream no. Until they do it.

It's just a hard sniffle. I could do it. There's so many times I have to make a poopy, poopy, poopy out of my butthole, and I just go. I love your mental image of thinking that a vagina poops blood out. Yes. Am I wrong? I just had a big coffee.

I got to get home. I'm about to have my period. Yeah, dude. Every time I had to have my poopy period, I'm like, I'm cold. Oh, man. I'm hungry. That does suck, though, because it's like if you want to do anything good in life, you have to sink it around women's periods.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're right. It's like have to sink it around women's periods. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I guess you're right. It's like you can't have like your wedding day. Yeah. You can't be like this. She's fucking miserable today.

I mean, she would be anyway. You got to look at the title chart. Yeah. Know where the moon's going to be to plan your wedding. Fuck. There's a high tide. I can't get married today. Damn.

We can't get married near the ocean. The sharks are going to smell this shit. A mile away, dude. They used to say that, right? Women can't swim in their period because you don't want the sharks to come in. That's the plot to Joltz 3, I think, right? It's called Heavy Flow. Heavy Flow is the lady from the Progressive commercial when she gained weight.

She just got thick. Success really went to her head. And to her ass. Just a great fat rapper. She is starting to age flow. Yeah, she's been doing it too long. They need to kill her off in these commercials still would damn. Imagine the progressive commercial where her family comes and they hit the

life insurance claim flow at a wanted it this way. They just have like a really traumatized thing of them like taking her off life support, but it's like the weeks leading up, but they're like it's like a two percent chance that she comes back fully combat. And even if she does come back, like she's had so much brain damage from the lack of oxygen, the big reveal is a Superbowl commercial, but like,

it's like a four minute commercial. And like her, her kids are like, I barely got to know her. And they're like, we have videos of mommy. You'll be okay. You'll be okay.

Yeah. There should be a rule on TV. Like if you run long enough, like the Simpsons have never aged. They should eventually win. If they ever do end the Simpsons, they should have to have an episode where they all die. Yeah, that's just it. It's just Flanders giving you eulogy. It's really sad. You just do it all. Like if you give Stuart Little leukemia, he's just like all his hair was falling out. Chemo radiation. Beep.

You go in the hospital room. Beep. Beep. Hey, Stu. Hey, buddy. How you feeling? I'm okay. Just a little tired.

I can't do this anymore. What do you mean? I just, I want to be dead. No, Stu, you got to fight, bud. You got to fight. Please don't make me do this anymore. Don't make me do this anymore. And then it cuts to a couple days later.

Stu's been unresponsive for two or three days. I just wanted to sit in the pocket. I couldn't do it anymore. They all huddle around like Chuck E. Cheese comes and he takes off life support. The funeral reticule. He gets up and gives a speech. Stu was a good guy.

Not a lot of people know he gave a lot back to charity. Never got a pilot's license. I was always flying. So that'd be funny if Stuart Little died. I think dramatized deaths should happen far more often than they do. Yeah, the Geico lizard should die. It should get hit by a car. Yeah.

That it insured. The driver gets out and he's like, no, I actually have animal coverage. I'm good. And he just drives off. They cut off like part of his body. They're like, how much cut off? And he's like 15% or less.

The half-lacked duck just stumbles upon. No, he orchestrates terrorist attack. Being the Aflac duck is Muhammad Jihad. Instead of Aflaco Lockhart. Yeah, that'd be funny if that happened. Yeah. Dude, Taylor swift is at the chiefs game right now we were talking i could not care less about isn't that crazy

who is it so everyone's like they're dating they're not first off sure they are there are two famous people that have been texting and then whenever in this they're in the same location they fuck that's it is that dating now yes damn yeah pretty much all right maybe they got it figured out yeah but they both seem like they love each other like themselves so much that like but it's like it's the he's i don't know i'm not a travis kelsey just seems like he seems like he'd be a fun dude to hang out with but like just a problem yeah i also he's kind of like uh he reminds me of like like the george bush of the bush family in that like everybody else in the bush family has like a regular accent and then george bush has a southern accent he's qualified but the most

successful yeah yeah nah dude fucking h hw is the dog by the way i just saw a video of him vomiting at like a dinner in japan he like he was at a when he was president dude we gotta let these fucking geezers just geez their way into the sunset we gotta stop recording them he died a little while ago he's been gone but like the very tail end of it no this was while he was like sitting president oh i did see that video he was in japan and they like he ate like sashimi or whatever and just Ralphed and then like spazzed and then fainted. Yeah.

And we think doughy Joe is fucking ruining stuff. I never heard the nickname doughy Joe. He seems like a pretty slim guy. Uh, he is. He's very tight. That's cause he's on. I don't know. They're all shutting down.

All the old politicians, their brains are just shutting off. Yeah. Mitch. Yeah. Mitch is like a Mitch. the ones where he shut down. I just shut down thinking about it. When you're like, it'd be like when you're like cheating on your girlfriend and she finally goes through your phone.

She's like, who's this? Who is this? At one point, Mitch McConnell at the point where he goes, well, if I don't say anything, that's probably the best. I should just lean into the, you know, not saying anything means you didn't say anything wrong.

Yeah. And then instead of a staffer, just like one of your boys, he can't talk right now. He can't. He's actually one lady came up and she was like, he's actually not taking any more questions. And a reporter was like,

I got one question. She's like, all right, fine. We'll take 11 more questions. Yeah. And also the next question is like, what the fuck was that? I don one question. She's like, all right, fine. We'll take 11 more questions. And also the next question is like, what the fuck was that?

I don't know. I mean, it's the craziest thing that that's like one of the few jobs that you can just fully freeze out. Yeah, really. You can do for fucking ever. Yeah. What were we talking about before that?

I don't know. I changed subjects many times. Taylor Swift. She seems like everyone glorifies her. She seems like the worst girlfriend ever, right? Yeah. She seems like everyone glorifies her. She seems like the worst girlfriend ever, right? Yeah. She's got like seven albums and they're all about heartbreak. It's like eventually you got to be like, I think she's the problem.

Yeah. Well, she has that song. I'm the problem. It's me, right? That's her. Yeah, but that's just like so like, yeah, maybe tongue in cheek. It's like no, you are the problem. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, she is. Well, I was thinking like common denominator. That should be the name of her next album. Yeah, well, because she's fucking that's because she's always underneath everybody true um her she was hanging out with mrs kelsey who it's like all right cool big lady had two famous sons i don't

really get all the hype that lady couldn't she became famous because she took two jerseys cut them in half and sewed them together yeah and everyone was like this mom this mom loves her kids yeah yeah they're fucking millionaires. Of course she loves them. I live in a place where they took two jerseys and sewed them together, north and south. There was supposed to be a succession in the late 70s. Sorry, go on. Succession.

No, succession. There was a succession movement where New Jersey was going to split into two states. Yeah, succession. Fun fact. You don't get that on the South Jersey bad boys. Fuck you. Fuck you.

Oh, God, dude. Fuck you. Yeah, Matt kissed the guy. You're going to put that out on the internet? Yeah, what are you. Fuck you. Oh, God, dude. Fuck you. Yeah, Matt kissed the guy. You're going to put that out on the internet? Yeah, what are you going to do? That's smut. Hey, how about this? What are you going to put that out on the internet?

Well, yeah. They don't even sing the song anymore. God, they don't even kiss. If I ever, and I mean this like I'm not even trying to be funny, I'm going to fucking kill Dan Callahan. That one's for you. Yeah, two of them. I'll make one smaller because one ofahan. That one's for you. Yeah. Two of them.

I'll make one smaller because one of you is shorter than the other one. Man, we really run out of shit to talk about. No, I agree. We have a topic and shit. Quite the contrary. Travis Kelsey. But Ian Rappaport, he's like an NFL reporter, put out a thing, the most bitch tweet of all time.

After he saw that she was in the suite with the Kelseys, he put out a thing. It was like, anybody opposed to getting a live stream just of taylor swift for the whole game and i was like ew dude what a dork yeah and he put that out for every one of those fucking mindless 33 year old women that dressed like her to go to her concert i mean like i've done some corny shit in my life but like i'm not'm not. Oh, fuck. Actually, every concert I go to, I'm dressed like every dude in the band, so I can't talk any shit. It's just me in a flannel with my good jeans. And I'm like, oh, I got that same fucking t-shirt.

No way. I accidentally cosplay every band I go to see. That's so upsetting, dude. It really is. I'm in my lane. I'm having fun with it. In my head, I'm like them up there. Dude, it's a problem.

This song's basically about my life. I can relate to this more than anybody here. Yeah. They're thinking about me when they sing the song. Oh, that's too much of my life. I'm worse. I think about that with Drake. I'm like, God, Drake gets me.

It's like Drake. I'm a millionaire that gets too much pussy. I'm such a mixed Jewish millionaire that gets so much pussy. I'm such a mixed Jewish millionaire that gets so much pussy. I'm such a successful millionaire that I had to put hot sauce in my condoms too. Oh my God.

I got a start on a hit teen show and then I became a successful rapper. I hate when that happens to me. I'm very good at acting on a wheelchair. Fuck.

You used to call me on my cell phone. Yeah, you're the most 45-year-old guy. That's one of Drake's old tunes. The other day, somebody was like, how old are you? And I went to say almost 40, and I just said 40. And it just kind of felt right. You feel more 40 than 35.

Than 37. I know, but not in a bad way. 40 feels a lot younger you get off the hook for so much shit jay how old are you 32 33 okay yeah i think like i gotta stop looking so young yeah i mean you really do it is true but i don't think that's necessarily a good thing yeah you gotta moisturize bro you do not moisturize dude you gotta use things on your face what if you keep looking so young you get kidnapped i'm i'm benjamin button right now what if it's like man on fire i'm ben button i'm benny buttons no you're dakota fanning dakota fanning yeah you get kidnapped and denzel

great movie incredible movie no hot take guys denzel's fire is a good movie yeah he's got to trade his life for yours is that worth it why did he oh god i don't know there's an equalizer three in theaters now right now i. I'm very tempted. I tried to watch it. I didn't get a chance to get it. It's the same. It's all the same movie. It's all Man on Fire. I think Dakota Fanning is in the new one, actually. Really? I don't know.

It should just make more training days. Oh, yeah. Classic film. When you watch that back after you haven't watched it in a while, you're like, oh, this movie actually sucks. Dude, I put Fast Times at Ridgemont High on. My wife and I were scrolling through two nights ago, scrolling through Netflix, and she goes, what's that movie? And I was like, oh, Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

It's a classic. You've never seen this? Don't watch that one back. Like three minutes in, it's a 22-year-old banging a 13-year-old. Yeah. And I'm just like trying, and she's half asleep. She wakes up to that scene. She was like, what is this?

I was like, it's the movie you said you wanted to watch. Spicoli is a funny character. Wait until it comes on screen. It was just everything. Animal House had like, it was a common theme. It was a college dude that banged the dean's daughter who was like a sophomore in high school. Yeah.

That is nuts. That was, I mean. The Rolling Stones were just banging tweens. Yeah. I mean... Let me get off my soapbox real quick. No, get back on your soapbox. All right, well.

Yeah, so that was weird. As soon as, like, I was watching, I was like, man, this also just isn't that good of a movie. Yeah. A lot of it, like, once the nostalgia wears off and you're like, yeah, this is just not well-written or directed or acted or... Yeah.

Boondock Saints. Never seen. Rewatch that. Oh, man. I was obsessed with that in college because I was like, this is me. I'm all about justice and being Irish.

Yeah. I don't even know if I'm Irish, to be honest with you. You feel it. Maybe. I'm French, probably. I'm all about justice and being Irish. That's the whole movie.

The movie's about justice and being Irish. And for some reason, every dude related to that very hard in that time frame, you go back and watch it and it is a dog... It has some funny parts,

but just a dog shit movie. Yeah, but he also... He's also fucking terrible in it, too. There's a sequel to that movie, dog shit as well. He should have been the Green Goblin in it.

True. Willem Dafoe should be the Green Goblin in every movie he's in. That movie, Lighthouse with Robert Pattinson. He just have been the Green Goblin in it. True. Willem Dafoe should be the Green Goblin in every movie he's in. That movie Lighthouse with Robert Pattinson. He just comes in on a hoverboard.

Hey! How was that enough? Fucking incredible. They almost fuck, which is the cruelest part. The critics do say not enough Green Goblin. Every Rotten Tomatoes

of every movie. Titanic, like, could've used a little Green Goblin in there so you wait you said they almost fucked so he almost was goblin they like almost kiss because they start hallucinating and going nuts so like is it just them living in a lighthouse being cute no they're like two sailors and they kind of get stranded and they're just like forced to be stuck in this lighthouse until a storm

passes it's brokeback mountain on a on a rocky island it's nautical brokeback they get real naughty out there yeah naughty, naughty brokeback. Not enough Green Goblin because they would have got right off the island. True. Yeah, Green Goblin was the scariest guy of all time

because that came out when I was a little boy. When he popped in there and then you just saw Willem Dafoe, he gets the injection, he gets buff. Yeah, was that a movie?

Yeah, because the how old you were when that came out. Did that scare the shit out of you? Yeah. I'm starting to realize that now with like showing my daughter movies. I'm like, this isn't bad, but I'm like, oh yeah, everything shit out of you? Yeah. I'm starting to realize that now with like showing my daughter movies. I'm like, this isn't bad, but I'm like, oh yeah, everything's scary to you.

Yeah. Well, it's also like at that age, I mean, I mean, I'm obviously was not an intelligent kid, but like I saw somebody get bit by a spider and get superpowers. So I'm like, sure, it's not likely to happen, but I'm sure it's not impossible. You're like, I put my hand near a lot of webs that summer. We used to have a lot of sprickets in my basement that I'm like, if one of these fuckers bites me. Oh, I sucked the spricket up with a

shop vac right before I came here. What? Had some water coming on the old basement. So I went down to wet vac the water out. There was a spricket just hopping along. I said, sorry, bud. Yeah. I love great web back.

That was actually that was very good. Oh, said, sorry, bud. Yeah. I love killing bugs, dude. That was actually, that was very good. Oh, God, that was cool. Hard thumbs up. Yeah, dude, I don't know. But the Green Goblin thing was just, I mean, that movie was incredible. And then the sequel was even better. But just like, again, you watch back these great movies,

and you listen to the dialogue. And like Spider-Man 2, the main villain was one of his professors. Those leaned very hard on CGI. Yeah. You realize afterwards you're like, oh man, this is dog shit. Yeah. Yeah.

The main bad guy was just like an intelligent, sexy professor. And like he invites Peter over for dinner with his wife. And he's like, you could find a woman like me and my wife. Also, you could fuck my wife. You could fuck my wife in front of me for $3,200. Terrence and Ditch is a full-on cock film. Do it. She needs a strong, young lover and I can't fulfill the job anymore,

Pete. Bang my wife. Sling a web. Shoot your web inside my wife, Pete. And they're like, you wish you were the Green Goblin. She's Green Goblin as well. She's gonna be Green Goblin. We're the best of all time. Yeah, we're good at jokes. Jokes come easy to some of us us i can't think of another villain in a spider-man i'll tell you

jokes don't come same man jokes don't come easy to anybody uh not everybody i should say a high note you missed on wednesday had a character who was a quiet man yeah go up and throw out a very naughty word i heard he threw it out three times and it was one of those ones where it's like not to say that it's comparable to watching the Twin Towers collapse but you're watching it happen and you're like

you can't believe it's happening while it's happening it's also in a room that not to say you can get away with murder on high notes but it's a room where you can say a lot. If it's funny. And if you have good intentions behind it. Yeah, but not that word.

Not that word. Yeah. It's a very bad word. I need to find out about this after the podcast. Yeah. It's not a good word. Because it was not the funniest part. All right.

The funniest part was not only was it said, it was said in a very racist korean accent so he was like hitting it from every angle it was unbelievable i'll say this uh i put full blame on that to josh ryan for successfully doing an asian accent at helium at philly's funniest yeah and then putting out a good reel and he found a loophole of getting away with doing an asian accent he's given the freedom to south jersey comics to start throwing around there. So, Josh Ryan, this is your fault. Future guys. Slippery Rye. Dude, it was nuts. I was sitting

in the back and I was like, in between. Yeah, because you're like, I mean, were you hosting? No. Who was hosting? Slippery Boss. Ah, yeah, because then that sucks. You're like, do I just walk up and take the mic? Do we cut the mic? Do you let him bury himself? I would never cut it in the middle of it.

And I would never do anything on stage. You let him finish the word. But I would... Do you want to get past that second G? Yeah. It's like when you watch a movie and you know every word and you recite it along with it as you hear it. So I kind of said it, but no. You're like, yo, I actually punched this one up for him. It's a weird thing because I do

like the idea that the room... I do like the word. No, no. I like the idea that it's a room where you can say a lot of shit. You can test stuff out. Yeah. But that's just kind of one where it's like,

yeah, I can't really help you, pal. It's a triple down on it too. It's bold. Yeah. Triple. So listeners, don't say those words, but come out to High Note.

Yeah, Thursday. And come out... Yeah, well, this Thursday this will probably be coming out around or after. But next month, post-game comedy. It's been cooking. Yeah, dude.

We're going to get it ripping, tearing. The ripping and the tearing. Tearing. Give it a go. On the 28th, and it'll be back in November also, right? Or in October. Hopefully helium by then, possibly. Oh, don't want to give too much away.

We'll believe that. Yeah. A prominent Philadelphia comedic establishment. helium by then possibly oh don't want to give it too much away we'll believe that yeah a prominent philadelphia comedic establishment who i recently followed up an unanswered email about hey now hey now here we go nothing like following up an unanswered email with another unanswered email story of my life brother i don't know what you got coming up uh well speaking of we have if this comes out for uh september 28th we have the post game show doing some pods coming up so i'll send i'll put those on my little thing to go listen it's like good dudes that were doing their podcasts what a unbelievable sentence it's good

dudes that were doing their podcasts uh september 30th it's it's good dudes that we're doing their podcast September 30th house show in Northern Liberties Kelsey McKee runs that'll be a fun one October 5th we'll be at Helium doing the late night show what's that called or

what's that Helium show called? Nightcap we'll be at Nightcap with big old fat dumb Ryan Foster yeah a bunch of other stuff I'll post it up a lot of fun Nightcap. Nightcap. We'll be at Nightcap with big old fat dumb Ryan Foster. Yeah, a bunch of other stuff. I'll post it up. A lot of fun things. A lot of cute hot things.

Oh, and the video comes out this Wednesday. This is out by now. Check out Crossing Broad to watch us playing pickleball and getting smacked in the back. Smacked in the back. Kyle Pagan. Kiki Pagan. Kiki Peas. Kiki Palmer.

I have stuff coming up, but I don't have it in my calendar because stuff got shifted around. I have a roast battle probably coming up next month that's getting rescheduled. Jester's Castle, I believe. Oh, that one. Oh, Wayne Brook Inn out in, I think it's Lancaster area. On the 27th of October, I'll be out there. I'll be traveling for a while for work. So if you're in those areas and you know comedy,

let me go on your show. That didn't make sense. You were right there with me. Look, things are hard to say. for a while for work. So if you're in those areas and you know comedy, let me get on your show. That didn't make sense. You were right there with me. Look, things are hard to say. But yeah, Monte Comedy, Hacks Comedy Golf. We're talking about it. We're going to bring it back

in some capacity. We're almost at episode 100, I would say, episode one. This is the last time I can let it slide. No fun, nobody, no fun, but I'm a little bitter No fun, nobody, no fun, but I'm a little bitter No fun, nobody, no fun, but I'm a little bitter