That Rules Podcast - Episode #95: Mary & Kate & Ashley

Episode Date: October 23, 2023

The basement boys are back and they are better than ever. Hope you idiots enjoy. We love you

We're back. Yeah, we're back here. Fucking best boys ever. Two of the greatest guys in the, at least in this basement. Welcome to That Rules. Hey, welcome to That Rules. That's the name of the podcast. If you're a new listener that we got from crossing broad video playing pickleball, welcome. Yep, this is exactly what it's like. Stick with us because

it's just going to get better from here. And we only play pickleball on the podcast. We never talk or do anything besides play pickleball. So this is a little bit of a departure from our normal pickleball. True, we're usually just straight picking. Yeah, straight pickings, easy pickings. Yeah, I don't know. This is going to be an electric one. I feel great this morning. I'm ready to go. I'm fired up. I had two good shows last night. I'm heavily caffeinated. I've been traveling for the last five weeks straight. I kind of want to murder

somebody. I hear you. I kind of want to murder you for traveling so much and recording at nine o'clock in the morning. This is the way the cookie crumbles sometimes. And sometimes that cookie is one of those ones you get on an airplane that's pretty good. Biscoff ones? Do they fucking rip, dude? They sell them at Costco now. And I that cookie is one of those ones you get on an airplane that's pretty good. Biscoff ones? Or do they fucking rip, dude?

They sell them at Costco now. And I don't think they would hit as good if you're not eating it at 30,000 feet. No, I disagree. Is it 30,000 or 3,000? I think it's 30. 30, okay.

140, 150. Well, the private jets that I've been flying in, we fly like three. I actually bought those Biscoffs recently. Like, I bought a big pack of them.

My wife publicly shamed me about buying airport cookies. Really? They're so good, though. Yeah, they're delicious. They're incredible. I'm pumped, too, because right now

is good cookie season. Everyone says that Christmas is cookie season. It's not. Yeah. You know what cookie season is when those ginger snap things come out,

the Halloween cookie? Yeah, but those stink out loud. No, they're great. You put them in a glass of milk and forget about them for nine minutes. John, they're bad. Next topic. Every season is cookie season if you're doing it right. I don't give a shit what season specifically. Sometimes you gotta give your teeth

a break. There's no seasonal... You gotta give your teeth a break sometimes. When you're getting into the heavy sugar cookie season, like Christmas, I'll dive into some crystalline sugar cookies where they're like heavy sprinkle on top. Yeah, you seem like that type of guy. You just feel the cavities build.

Yeah, I just go traditional chalk chip. I don't really like to get into this like new progressive type cookie shit. I like my white American chocolate chip cookies. No, I like my Indian American. A little black. I like my British Indian colonized cookies. I like them, and I eat them. And whatever they're called, the biscotti ones.

Dude, I bought a whole pack in my apartment. Gr apartment granted i had four and then left the thing open they got stale but the four that i had were so goddamn good yeah off the ground and also i want to i want to i want to keep the sanctity of them in the air you know i mean they're my when they were on the ground matt it made them taste better i think because i was more yeah well also i wasn't hung over from a fucking drinking at the airport thing. Also, if I'm elected president, I'm going to make every airplane fly at 150 feet. And everybody's going to be like, what the fuck? Nonstop.

Just people like, fuck, fuck, fuck. It's just that movie with Denzel Washington, Flight, where he has to barrel roll like over top of a field. It's that, nonstop. I'm just going to have like 9-11, I'll just be crashing into like a one-story McDonald's because it's going to be so low. Do you like flying? Yeah. I mean, I don't know. My ears pop and I get scared a little bit. There's always a small part of a plate where I am like, mine's going to be the one to go down. Ooh, buddy, try flying for five weeks straight. I've honestly had- Could you ask me a question just to one-up whatever my response was? No, no. I'm just,

I'm weighing in on what you just said. That's what it sounded like, Matt. It sounds like you took a segue to where you wanted to get to, dude. Don't drag me along the way. All right, sorry. Go on. You fly once every three years. Let's hear about it. Yeah, so when I fly, I have these cookies that are so good. I don't know if you guys heard about them. He has a neck pillow. It's pink. It's cute.

I need a neck pillow, dude. I end up just resting on a fat bitch that sits next to me every time I'm on a plane. Oh, I sat next to a hefty lady and a stinky dude on a flight last week home from Miami. That stunk. Yeah, really? Literally. It was bad. I sat, I got back there.

I'm walking on the plane. I was the last row. So usually that's nice. I'm like, all right, I know where I'm going. It's going to be easy. There's going to be overhead storage. I get back there and there's a nice little lady sitting in the seat next to me. Yeah.

And I was like, oh, cool. She's not like, it's perfect to sit next to a tiny petite lady because they don't take up a lot of room. They don't encroach on the armrest if the seat next to me. And I was like, oh, cool. She's not like, it's perfect to sit next to a tiny petite lady because they don't take up a lot of room. They don't encroach on the armrest if they're next to you. You can follow them to the bathroom. Which there's armrest etiquette that people need to learn. You can follow them, you can look at them. I didn't say you're going to do anything.

I say when she gets up, you get up every time. You're just saying you can. So I sat down next to her. You mimic her mannerisms so she starts to feel uncomfortable. But I sat down next to her and I was like, I'm talking to her. She was very nice. Like we're watching this lady struggle to get her bag in the overhead thing. And she goes, man, the inner, uh, flight attendant in me is just going nuts right now. I was like, Oh, you're a flight attendant. Like you're the perfect person to sit next to, you know, all the etiquette here. She was like, so flight attendants get to just fly standby all the time for free. Yeah. And she was on standby and was just sitting in that seat until whoever got there, got there, ended up being the tallest and stinkiest guy on earth, followed by a hefty lady that had stinky snacks that I couldn't read the label of because they were in another language.

Yeah. Yeah. So I got pinned between them on a flight home from Miami. That's why I bought essential oils. I told you to roll under my nose now on flights. You don't, you cannot out loud be like you smell bad, but nothing can stop you from going the whole flight like that. Ooh, I, there were a few, I hit the guy next to me. It was every time he moved, I think a little bit more stink leaked out of his clothing. Yeah. And I

don't know if he was just like harboring farts or what it was, but every time he would like shift, one would pop out. And at one point I was like, you gotta be kidding me. But he had headphones on. So I was like, Ooh, can I just keep saying whatever I want? Yeah, Fart Harbor. Fart Harbor. Started 9-11. You ever wear headphones at the gym and take one ear off if you have to fart just in case? Because you don't know.

Because have you ever had that situation where you fart with headphones on? No, I love embracing the ignorant bliss, and you just act like you didn't even hear it, too. I get so self-conscious because I'm like, did that make a sound? I don't even know. Oh, wow. I never even thought about that. I've ripped farts nonstop at assumedly low volume, but I have no idea what they sound like. That's just, that's dancing to ice spices, singing along and ripping toots, walking around my gym, reeking and not lifting that heavy. I'll tell you what the gym I used to go to, it's right by you. They positioned the, they positioned the stepper machines in the worst possible spot. It's right when you come out of both locker rooms.

Everyone always would do those, I feel like, at the end of their workout. So you're getting heavy sweat and just all the leftover farts from the workout, and you're elevated to everyone's nose level. Your butthole is at everyone's nose level on that stepper. I remember just letting them rip on there. People just coming out about to start their workout, and they have to just taste whatever I ate the stepper. Yeah. I remember just letting them rip on there. Yeah. People just coming out, like, about to start their workout, and they have to just taste whatever I ate the night before. Yeah, true.

I guess I never really thought about it. I feel like it comes with the territory of a gym, though, because the amount of guys on protein shakes in that place. Exactly. Yeah, you're not getting good farts. You're getting a lot of spinach farts, and they're healthy, but they are. That's what's weird. The healthier you are, the worse your farts smell, I feel like.

That can be true, but a lot of times just eating a lot of protein is not that healthy. I mean, these guys at the gym are not only on excessive protein, but they're on growth hormones that are just shutting down their organs. So you're getting like protein-failing organ farts, which smell like cancer. You're diagnosing like a failed liver. Yeah. Just pieces of the liver coming out in the farts. It's like skydiving into a trash can.

There's got to be somebody out there that can diagnose cancer off of the smell of your fart. Give it a try. I could probably let you know. You'll probably let one rip at some point. There's got to be someone somewhere who does that. Diagnose medical illnesses based off farts. Let's see. Google it real quick.

See if there's anyone that has ever diagnosed cancer off of a fart. My mom usually does it with my dad. When my dad farts in front of my mom, you would have thought that he was like, just told her that her mom's a cunt. I'm just realizing

as we say this, this is a Patrice O'Neill bit. He has a whole thing about, oh no, that's where his, I think his wife diagnosed him diabetic off the taste of his cum.

Yeah. I did a show with Patrice O'Neill's wife. If you were to say Patrice O'Neill, I was like, wow, time trial.

Yeah. No, I did a show with his wife. She was very tall say Patrice O'Neill. I was like, wow, he time-traps. I did a show with his wife. She was very tall. Very tall, very pretty lady. That's always fun when someone's like, hey, how's that person stand up? Real tall.

Tallest comic I've ever seen. She's pretty funny. There's nothing readily available here. It doesn't look like there's anything that comes up when you search for medical farts. Or medical diagnosis of farts. You should start doing it unprompted, too. Because I will have ones every once in a while.

Like, I know my brand, and I'll fart every once in a while, and I'm like, there's something wrong inside. Yeah, my brand is, that's a good way to put it, like knowing what yours are like. Yeah. Because girl farts, not that I know any girl that farts in front of me that I date for the past year and a half. I don't know anybody like that.

Is she ripping on you right now already? Allegedly. It's hard to tell. It's her or who it could possibly be. But if it was her, I would say I would advise her to eat more fiber. That's all I would say. See, look, you're diagnosing. You're actually a fart nutritionist.

Yeah, that's true. You might not be able to can't do it. A fart-tritionist. Yeah, there you go. That's most nutritionists. So every girl I went to school with that's a nutritionist now, I'm like, you? You went to school with a lot of nutritionists? No, I don't think I know anyone.

I'm just trying to make conversation. Every time you smell a fart in public, you just got to walk up to somebody and go, you should get that checked out. I think that might be like chlamydia. That's a silent fart that somebody tried to hide if you scooped up behind them and you're like, you're sick. There's a problem. Yeah, you're not going to be around much longer.

I feel like every nutritionist is just the girls that failed out of nursing school. Like they got past the dietary part in the beginning. Yes. And then they're like, all right, now we're going to get into the layers of skin. And they just failed. And they're like, well, I mean, I know a lot about broccoli now. I mean, he's also a nutritionist. Nutritionist is just like, you already know. There's nothing they could tell you that everybody doesn't know. It's so funny, man, but there's so many people in the world that just don't know that like eat vegetables is good. I guess that was a bit classist of me to assume that everybody has the same knowledge that

I have. It was a real weightist take. Yeah, it did. It was a fattest. You're a fattest. That's a good one. That's going to be, that's a new way to not be fat phobic. As you said, it's not a fat person.

I'm a weightist. I'm a weightist. I'm a weight watcher myself. I'm a weight starer. I'm watching a lot of weight shuffle around this fucking country. I'm getting on my soapbox. Don't get on the soapbox. It'll break. You're a weightist. No, I'm the lightest I've ever been.

What do you weigh? 176. You're getting close to girl weight. I am. I'm like a buck seventy. You guys are close to girl weight. I am. I am. I'm like a buck 70. Yeah, you guys are close to girl weight, dude. No, you're going to die. Yeah, I know. You're going to die of being fat. That's fine.

You got a fatty heart, I bet. No, probably fatty liver, though. You think? Yeah, for sure. Fatty liver doesn't come from drinking, I don't think. I think drinking just fucks up your enzymes. No, I think drinking fucks up a lot of stuff, too. I think I'm experiencing all the things that's fucked up. Guess what? Not drinking doesn't solve a lot. I've been sick for a year. Mostly your bank accounts, I think drinking fucks up a lot of stuff, too. I think I'm experiencing all the things that's fucked up. Guess what? Not drinking doesn't solve a lot. I've been sick for a year.

Mostly your bank accounts, I think drinking fucks up. True. You're not kidding. Yeah, but then when you stop drinking, you just start spending money on dumb shit.

Like, I downloaded an app where I can design my own t-shirts now, so I've just been spending money making teas. I know. I got a sick... Actually, listener,

if you're interested, I made a sick Ron Hexdahl vintage tea, and then I made a Corey Matthews Philly shirt. So if you're interested. Yeah, if you guys are pretty sick. All the people who have been hankering for those for all these years. Big demand for Corey Matthews merchandise. I hate to say it.

That was the only one I was interested in of the two. The Corey Matthews one's pretty good, right? Yeah, it's not bad. That's pretty tight. I made that last night. Yeah. So we'll put that up on the website, corymatthews.biz.

Yeah, dude. I mean, I've been cutting back on the boozing just because I'm becoming older. And you're violently hungover right now. Well, today doesn't count. Somebody was like, oh, I got to fly to fucking Bumblefuck, so let's record at 6 a.m. on a Sunday.

I fly. Listen, the time has gone up. Every time. Started out at 9 a.m. John's like, when the owl hoots is when we record in the, in the bright morn. Join me brothers. As we record our podcast, we play pickleball for promotion.

We weren't that good, but they edit it to make us look much better. Why? Why did they do that? I'm not sure the editing actually accomplished that. No, it did. That's what we were talking about on the way over.

Like we were very bad and they somehow made us look less bad. But people have been coming up to us and saying that. They're like, man, you guys really suck at pickleball. We're like, yeah, but it wouldn't have been entertaining if we were good. I know. People keep coming up to me. We wouldn't have watched the whole video if we were good at it. It's not like Kyle walks up to, like, very intelligent people to get sound bites.

It's the same thing. Right. It wouldn't be funny if you went and talked to like a pharmacist or something like that. You got to talk to like, you know, yeah. Blue collar guy who's already shit faced at the tailgate.

Right. Certainly don't, don't talk to a pharmacist, dude. Find a doctor. Bam. Slights taken. You think I give a hell dude.

I'm Mr. Controversy. Pharmacist. I'm coming for you. Pharmacist. More like a fart assist. He diagnosed people with that. Okay. So John, we need to talk-icist. He diagnosed people with that.

So, John, we need to talk about your hair. When are you going to go full Jimmy Butler? We don't. When are you going full Jimmy Butler? You guys saw that. Jimmy Butler is going full John Montag, if you ask me. I'm his muse. He saw pictures of me in high school and was like, I can be that emo. It's kind of funny.

I saw that reports were like a lot of people within the Miami Heat organization. They said like, they've quote said like 95% of people in the Heat organization were uncomfortable with him doing that. It was very uncomfortable. It was like, cause it's one of those things. It's one of my favorite things in life is like, it's funnier in theory than in practice. So like, it's funny for the first minute, but media day is four hours long. Right.

So like on hour two, which I commend him on. Yeah, I do, I guess. But Jimmy Butler has this like weird, like fake cool guy personality, which is my least favorite thing somebody can act like. Yeah. He has just like the moniker of like, whatever, man, just kind of whatever happens, happens. There's a lot of former

athletes with CT that have been popping off on Reels and on TikTok recently. Who do you speak of? There was a dude, he, I can't remember his name. If you don't look his up, he played for the Pats, for the Patriots.

Yeah, look up everybody who's played for the Patriots of all time. Yeah, first start with Patriots players and then narrow it down to black guy. And then... Tom Brady. No, there was a former Patriots player who went on there,

not Junior Seau. He had a very different ending than this guy. This guy might actually Seau. Sunshine and roses. No, look up like a former Patriots player, tick tock, uh,

Aaron Hernandez. He went on and dropped the thing, like in a, in a manic state talking about how you think that the coaches didn't know what Aaron Hernandez was doing and they weren't covering it up. Yeah. Like came at the NFL and stuff. And it was also like right after he just got out of like a,

I think self-committed, uh, psychological. Now.itted psychological analysis, whatever, treatment. Where is it? There's somebody on there. That's scary, dude. Rob Gronkowski. Everything about the fact that Rob Gronkowski could just take your wife in front of you and you couldn't do anything about it.

No. My wife doesn't like that dumb of people. I know. That's what I always think about. Well, I guess it's the alternative because that was kind of my rationale. I was watching that guy, Sean Strickland, was on this podcast with these two dork fucking booze hound guys. Yeah. Their whole genre is we drink.

And he was like, I could take your girlfriend in front of you and there's nothing you could do about it. Like bragging about it. Yeah. But he's trying to make the point of, oh, I'm so tough that i could take a girl and you couldn't do anything but he's really big like the report is just like you're gonna rape my girlfriend i mean i hope she would consent some that's your flex look at this man they've already wiped it off the internet they're just now they're just talking about how much the patriots suck real i'm real specific with the search there's nothing maybe you didn't play for the patriotsots. I think John might have imbibed in a little something.

No, no. There was a guy, there was a former NFL player that went off on TikTok about how the NFL was like the coaches were essentially covering up him murdering people. I do know. I kind of saw what you're talking about. But no, the Jimmy Butler thing, like, he really did commit to the bit. Yeah.

But I want to see him play a whole season really emotional. He just comes out with bandages on his wrist. Are those sweatbands? Has he been getting deep into the My Chemical Romance catalog? If every time they brought the players out, they played, I'm not okay by My Chemical Romance, I'd be like, all right, I can respect that. That would be incredible. Welcome to the Black Parade.

There we go. Maybe not all the players, but like the injured reserve players, the guys showing up in non-uniform. Yeah, true. It's like, I'm not okay. The NBA needs to adopt the Black Parade. Yeah, no more like sweatsuits. Fuck me, that sounds horrible.

That's really what the dude was. What was the guy from My Chemical Romance's name? Gerard Way. Gerard Way was writing about the NBA when he heard about the Black Parade. Yeah. He's the racist, not me. Instead of I'm not okay, it's I'm going to be late. We were late today.

I'm not OKC Thunder. I'm not OKC Thunder. Let's just keep doing emo puns. It's better than anything else we got. You guys want to hear some? The layup kids instead of the getup kids. I just held in a fart so you guys don't have to experience my gut flora. I did that for you guys.

Well, we can diagnose it right now. That's why, but I think you guys would actually just diagnose leaving the basement. I think that's how bad- I had somebody hit me with- because I've been battling cold off and on, and it just won't go away, and somebody hit me with that reason.

They were like, you know, it all comes down to your gut biome. I was like, fuck you. Yeah, that's- Just give me a Z-Pak and shut the fuck up. That's a nutritionist, dude. And then they, because they know you'll never take it to the next step

because you just want to get out of the conversation. Yeah. But push it to be like, what does that mean? And then they got to look at you and be like, I do not know. They're leaning into, have you tried MCT oils? And like, do you know what that is at all? You can make up any acronym you want, dumbass.

I still don't believe you know. Have you tried Element OP? I've been getting into a lot of Element OP lately. Damn, Element OP used to shut me down when I was in middle school. Cause I would like, look, that was, I had a couple of things that proved that I was genuinely retarded.

One was that I used to watch shows that had a Mary Kate and Ashley in it. And I'd be like, where the fuck is Kate? Like I would be totally like, they were like, Oh, this is Mary Kate and Ashley. And I was like,

I've never seen Kate once. Yeah, truly. I'm mad that that take has never been addressed before. Yeah. That's a really good take that it's one of those things where you're like, how is no one, somebody has to have a bit about that. Maybe, but it used to stress me out. Please do that. They used to have a show called the Mary Kate and Ashley show. And I'm like, she gets no FaceTime and I was Kate's working the camera. I don't know. Oh, Kate,

you know what? Kate is their J you never actually get to see her working the camera. I don't know. That's what I thought. Oh, Kate. You know what? Kate is their J. You never actually get to see her. Yeah, she's off. Behind the scenes. Your new name is J. Kate Bird. Yeah. Mary Kate and Ashley. J. Kate Rowling. And then the same thing. I would look for the letter L-M-N-O and I was like, there's nothing in there. I used to hit an

M-N-N-O in there. Really? Did you pronounce words wrong a lot as a kid? Yeah. Any good ones that stuck out? I had to go to speech class growing up. I did that too. What was the toughest words? That was the thing. They used to send us out to the trailer like these fucking godless heathens go out there with our...

You were the original trailer park boys. Oh, totally. Me and my friend, one of my best friends to this day, we get wasted and just start yelling, trailer kids! Because we were the trailer kids in 20 years. To be fair, we were 26 and we went back to the school and just yelling at children.

Trailer kids is one step away from yelling white power. That's the natural evolution. Trailer kids! Blood and soil! It's our country! We're going to take this trailer back! Literally, they repossessed it. We've got to take it back. We've got gonna take this trailer back literally they repossessed it we gotta take it back we're gonna make this trailer dumb again

I remember speech classes where I fell out of love with a girl that I was deeply in love with in second grade because it was her and I would go out to the trailer and I don't think I had a bad speech impediment I just mumbled

and I still mumble to this day and it's fine but she had like this weird like listen to her try to sound like talk through that you just find out she's Indian and I still mumble to this day and it's fine. But she had like this weird like, listen to her try to talk through that. You just find out she's Indian? Oh yeah. She would just walk out and be like, Yeah, well you want to

diagnose that smell. I'm in no curry. Okay. Steph Curry. Carry up and finish this story please yeah okay current events um yeah whatever but no then this this other kid that i was in there with so that made me i couldn't look at her the same anymore and then there's another kid i remember being in the class and we had to tell each other what we were dressing up for for halloween and he was trying to he kept saying i'm

gonna be this and then my brother's gonna be a a gulla. And I was like, a what? And I remember it was the first time I experienced laughing at somebody else's expense, I think, that I can recall. And I was like, what? And he's like, my brother's going to be a gulla. I remember I started to lean closer. This is like a nine-year-old, not even nine, probably seven years old. And I started leaning, and I started laughing at it. I was like, wait, what? And even the teacher was looking like what a fever dream of a monday afternoon yeah i should be reprimanding matt but i don't know what this fucking moron's saying either she was like i remember her being like he's telling you because she couldn't even fucking guess what he was saying and come to find out he was saying that is my butt is a boy but he's dressing up as a girl like so he's saying she was dressing up as a girl and i

was like who the fuck i was like this kid's a lost cause, dude. A lost cause? A lost cause. Careful. Have you ran into that kid in your adult years at all? No, he had to have died. The kid who I grew up with that had a stutter just... What would make you think he died?

You can't get through life talking like that, dude. Do you imagine... Every word you say is so close to some kind of slur you can't be in the middle of the city speaking like that you're just getting the shit beat out of you because people think you said the n-word imagine having a speech impediment

you can't tell an EMT you need insulin yeah what can I please check your vitals he needs the paddles he's just Indian And that is a la santa. Sama alaikum to you. Can I please check your vitals now? He needs the paddles. Let's give him the paddles. All the while, I'm like,

no, he's just Indian. Yeah, but, so I hope that kid does well, Jeremy. What words did you struggle with? What was your hardest word as a kid?

My mom used to say, I talk like I had a mouth full of marbles. And I was, it's just, I mumbled. I just would talk faster than my brain had the capacity for, which I still do.

And it's A-OK. It just turns out you just had ADHD. Yeah, they probably just wanted me out of the classroom. They just diagnosed you wrong. And it's A-OK. It turns out you just had ADHD. Yeah, they probably just wanted me out of the classroom. They did not know how to diagnose kids back in the day. Because if you had like, they didn't have a trailer at my school, but they had like the I guess it was just special ed. It was still called

SPED at the point. It was special ed. And it was like special ed was either violently behavioral problem kids or kids that were dyslexic. I always thought that was nuts. And they just, there was no differentiating the two. Yeah, there was like this kid is like in a wheelchair and can't move his lower half. And it's like this guy stabbed the teacher.

This kid burned down a nursery. At my school, special ed was just the janitor that everybody made fun of. Okay. Okay, Jay. Well, all right, Kate. Let Mary and Ashley get after it. Also, episode title. Yeah.

Mary, Kate, and Ashley. That kind of is us three, dude. We are Mary, Kate, and Ashley. I call dibs on Mary. No. I'm very Mary. Well, technically, it would be Mary, Kate. Wrong.

I want to be. Who is? Yeah. Which one had bulimia first? I think saw I think they did it they had twin telepathy they're like we're gonna stop eating all right ready on three let's stop eating they did everything together yeah yeah they were making each other throw up it's just a hunger pact they had dual toilets in their home and who would have thought that their daughter their daughter sorry their younger sister would come out and be more famous than they ever were yeah and. And so goddamn hot. Just a pretty lady.

Holy macaroni and cheese. I follow her to the bathroom at an airport. You can follow them anywhere. You just can't touch or look or go in. And when she walks out, just back like you're doing pushups or something. There's no law saying I can't wait and smell. That's insane.

Following somebody around and every time they look at you, you start doing pushups to make it seem like you were doing something else is pretty fun. In the middle of like a densely populated city. Are you just asking? Have you been counting? Do you know how many that was? No, you can't acknowledge it.

You were counting. And every time you're like 704, 705. There are. I have because I've been in airports a lot lately, and that's the best place that people watch. I've witnessed a couple people sneaking workouts in while they're waiting for a flight. Yeah.

Just, you know what? Just sit back like the rest of us. Do this fat face thing in the chair yep and just scroll through instagram like the rest of us yeah look through your phone you don't have to pull your shoes out and go jog up and down the airport yep it's a lot i was in miami it was nothing but fake butts and like dudes doing crunches at every terminal yeah that's fucking nuts it is crazy people get fake butts it really is because like there is no I Don't know. I understand that they say like it's for them, but it's like it's another one of those things sitting on a fake butt Cool. I have

They hate it. I Make them lay on their bellies and I go let me sit on it now and they go one you get one time You didn't pay for this and I I go, I'm a boy. You're a gulla. And they're like, tonight, I want to be the gulla. And you're the boy. I make them do roller coaster with their butt. Like, you know, when you sit on your dad's knee and he'd be like, ooh.

I sit on her butt and I go, jiggle it for me. And she goes, airport security's on the way, buddy. You're on that little golf cart that they drive fat people in in the airport. Fat and old people. You know what? Old people need their own fucking airline. I'm on that mood now. Old people don't know how to navigate an airport. It's like they all, I will say this though, they dress like they're flying in the forties. They're all like in a suit with a top hat, like ready to fly. They're all ready to hit their secretary. True. But it was just a flock of old people flying back from Europe with me. None of them knew how to get on the plane. I don't think they knew how seats worked. Yeah. It was incredible. And old people is just, uh, I don't know. They

need their own fucking airline. I agree. I agree. I don't really like old people doing almost anything. Anytime I see an old person driving, they look like they're like, Oh, fuck. You should have to retest for a driver's license. Whoever runs, I'm not going to vote probably ever again because I don't think it matters, but whoever runs on the platform of like, old people should fucking get tested for everything again, I'm voting for them twice. I agree.

And I guess that you could say that that's ageist, but babies can't drive. No, be ageist. Listen. Yeah, we don't let young toddlers drive. Yeah, we shouldn't. If we're going to let old people drive, then my daughter should be allowed to take the driving test. Yes. She's three. I think she would crush it.

The DMVs are in the back. I mean, a person. You guys are killing this. Yeah, true. Also, only ugly girls should be allowed to drive. Hot girls are not allowed to drive anymore. Ugly girls should have to drive hot girls around. Hot girls drive.

My girlfriend drives. Fucking humble brag. Whatever, dude. Actually, you just said only ugly girls should be allowed to drive and you're like my bitch be driving she'd be well do they drive it's unbelievable like they get in like they drive pretty normal on the roads but once you put them in like somewhere where it's like just take it easy they're like like we're in small parallel parking i don't even i say let me do it why is that why is that I go and I do it way worse. That should be the biggest test of when, if you want to change your gender, the parallel

parking test is decides if you can transition. Fair. If you're a girl and you want to become a guy, you should be able to parallel park a 2004 Jeep Grand Cherokee. True. Or else you're without a backup camera. Yes. It's a very specific.

That's what I drive. That's what I drive. And it doesn't have a backup camera. And when you drive with a backup camera for like 10 years and then you don't have one yeah you really get back to basics you you forget how important fundamentals are true with parallel parking without a camera but yeah if you want to transition you should have to be able to parallel park also women start parallel park they should make a service for instead of having a parallel park for instead of having a parallel park you should be

allowed to put a woman's kid underneath of your car so that a strong like lady where they have like that thing where they can move cars has to come move the car into the spot so you have to get a hold of her son her young son put him under your car where she like her adrenaline kicks in and she'll move it into the spot for you the app's just called mother it's got the umlaut over the u so it's like uber yeah and like you could pick like like her adrenaline kicks in and she'll move it into the spot for you. The app's just called mother. It's got the umlaut over the U. So it's like Uber. Yeah.

And like, you could pick like, this is just complicated child abduction. That's what this is. No, no. The mom brings her own kid and everybody's like all the stars instead of five stars, how good they are.

It's like five stars for how much they love their kid. Like if they don't love their kid that much, they're not going to be able to move it. Cause they're like, I don't really care if he's under there. Yeah. But if they adore their kid, that's a not gonna be able to move it because they're like i don't really care if he's under there yeah but if they adore their kid that's a five star because she'll move it quick as shit oh there should be another feature on that app where uh the woman elects for a guy to come and park her car for him but then in payment she has to

sit there next to it and he mansplains exactly how he parked it perfectly yeah and he has to and she just has to sit there and be like oh you're so smart and so strong he's got to explain like lyrics and rap songs to her yeah she's got to sit through that he's like so eminem actually that's a double entendre in this part yeah yeah you know in rap god he's not actually talking about himself yeah it's deep and every christopher nolan movie you gotta yeah you gotta make her watch cuts of dark knight yeah like i guess i get that it's a comic book movie, but it's actually deeper than that. Barbie's stupid. This one's cool.

You know what pissed? Did you watch Oppenheimer? I think we talked about it. Yeah, I saw it. He just reused all of his cool shots from the Dark Knight. What do you mean? You haven't seen the Dark Knight. We talked about this already.

I haven't seen the Dark Knight. So there's that one shot. Hold on now. Don't ever say that again, dude. We talked about this, and you claimed you had not seen The Dark Knight. No, that's bullshit. Jay, pull up every episode we've ever had. Let's watch them all back now.

Guys, I'm right on it. Damn, we should do a watch-along of our own former episodes. Just see how far we've fallen. But no, so in The Dark Knight, he does that one cool shot. The scarecrow guy who's got the burlap bag over his face. Oh, you mean Batman Begins? Batman Begins. Yeah, that's what it was.

I have not seen that one. So, scarecrow who is Oppenheimer. Sure. What's his name? Nathan Fillion or whatever. It's an entirely different person. Serious something. He's got a really Irish name.

What the fuck's his name? Killian Murphy. Killian Murphy. Killian's Irish red. Who my girlfriend thinks is hot and it makes me upset. He's attractive in a weird way. No, he's got a sunken in face. But listen. He's scary looking. In his Batman movie,

there's a shot where he puts the mask on and he sprays a nerve agent in people's faces and when they look at him, he's in focus and shaky and everything behind him is blurred. So that one is exactly what he used in all the cool shots in Oppenheimer. And he was like,

look at this fucking shot. And you're like, dude, you already test ran this one on us. It's like, it's like somebody just using old bits and being like, yeah, I fucking just wrote that one.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Why would he change up? I don't know. He's just, he's come up with new can have signature shots. That's like their thing. I guess you're right.

Yeah, dude. Any other shitty movie? I forgot. That was an auteur. What? I have autism. I guess you're right. Yeah, dude. Any other shitty movie opinions? I forgot Matt was an auteur. What? I have autism. I told you that.

Auteur. Auteur. Auteur. You look good. Did you lose weight, Auteur? Auteur. Are you going to Weight Watchers again? Auteur.

You were too good for him, Auteur. Aw. Yeah, that's so funny when girls break up. Who's your favorite auteur? Like an author? No, as an auteur is a director that has like, I think there's a, there's a requirement, right? A film auteur.

You're in, you're in cameras. You should know this. Yeah, you know, you do cameras, Jay. Not in film. Like Wes Anderson is an auteur. I'm a hack. You know this. I think like Quentin Tarantino is an auteur.

I think it's somebody who has one style and they've done a lot really well in that style. Yeah, okay. I drove past him. I took one film class in college. Yeah, Scorsese, Quentin Tarantino, Alfred Hitchcock. Yeah. That makes sense. Wes Anderson is definitely that.

Wes Anderson is like, he's my go-to auteur when I think about it. Like everything he shoots looks similar but is different kind of thing. Martin Scorsese smiles like he's showing you a picture of his penis to be like, is it good? Every smile he has, he looks like he's like, that is true. What do you think? Surprise? Yeah. Quentin Tarantino, dude. He smiles as a guy that's gotten away with people thinking he's Italian his whole life, but he's just definitely Jewish. Yeah. I was, there was these people that went to my college or no, they went to a girl. I went to high school with, it was like a year older than me, went to my college or no, they went to a girl. I went to high school with,

it was like a year older than me, went to a different college and got kicked out. Cause she, there's a video of her saying the N word. And I kind of was like, she could have video. Yeah, exactly what video you're talking about.

She could have gotten away with it. If like at the end of the, it was a say the word. No, she did. She was on Snapchat and she was like, I'm here. Like we're not worried.

Like she just was blatantly racist, but I was like, she would have got away with it., like, it was a Snapchat video. If it, like, faded to black and said directed by Quentin Tarantino, it would have been like, oh, it's just tasteful. It's, you know, it's nice. The end of that, the end of the TikTok or Snapchat video, someone pulls a mask off and she's like, I would have gotten away with it. It wasn't for the woke people. Tarantino is kind of like the self-service director.

Like, he just does everything he wants to do in his movies. Yeah, like putting himself in every one of them. Well, he just drops the N-bomb, what, 15 times in one scene in Pulp Fiction? True, yeah. And then, what was it, the vampire movie? He leans into that probably autistic category. So he does the shot off the foot, like a liquor shot off the foot of that one actress, and he just put himself in that role

to do that. It definitely was not in the script too. He's like, no, it's a porn for the movie. He just comes up with it on the spot. Yeah, I think I have

to sucker toes. I think the character would sucker toes. In this next one, I think my character definitely needs to get pegged by Margot Robbie. Can we get her on this piece

and she available? You're like, whoa, that's real specific. Yeah, the ones where the actor knows the role better than the writers or whatever thing. If every actor was just like tried to shoehorn in sucking toes.

What's her name? Mel Gibson was like, I think in this role, my character is an actual murderer. Yeah. Let me pull the trigger on. Is there any new news with that? Mel Gibson? Yeah. No, not Mel Gibson.

Who's the other guy that shot a guy, a lady in the face? Alec Baldwin. Alec Baldwin. Yeah. Mel Gibson is just very religious and racist. I'm guy and a lady in the face? Alec Baldwin. Mel Gibson's just very religious and racist. I think he was acquitted. I'm pretty sure he was acquitted of any wrongdoing. I think they charged other people

in the set. I think people that mishandled the firearms. I think she acquitted living. Anyway, I hope her family's okay. Okay, Ashley, chill out. I think they ended up getting the guy who was supposed to like the whatever they're called the um stunt coordinator whatever the gun guy the gun guy

the gunnist alec baldwin there's some girl in the back and they're like you just you gave him a gun that was loose she's like i don't know i'm a nutritionist and i got this job the other day yeah i fucked i blew the director and I got on the set. I'm sorry. I didn't know I'd be handling firearms. It is our job. And sometimes you're at your job and you're like, shoot me in the fucking face.

Careful. Yeah. That was just the day you decided to mail it in. Yeah. It was just a real long day. Oh, all right. Somebody has,

it's like the same hacky joke where somebody that was just like, you know, September 11th, 2001, somebody walked in their office like i just wish a fucking plane would fly into this shit i hate this job so fucking bad who would have thought me asking for that every day would come true yeah i know turns out dreams do come true oh dude i saw a funny thing so i flew back into newark and when you going through customs, give your passport up on the wall. They have these really big Hall of Fame of New Jersey. And it's all the people that have been inducted into the Hall of Fame of New Jersey. So like Thomas Edison's up there because he invented the light bulb in Jersey.

Whitney Houston, because she's from Newark. And the third one is 9-11. Oh, my God. 9-11. That didn't even take place in New Jersey. Exactly. It's in the New Jersey

Hall of Fame. Oh my. The Garden State recognizes your struggle, New York. Did you see the video of the guy falling into the 9-11 memorial?

Oh yeah. He was just like kind of hanging off the edge there. Did you see this? No. Some homeless dude just climbed, just jumped down.

And then one of his homeless friends came by 30 minutes later and also fell in there? It's so funny to think that he is looking for it. He thinks it's further down. Another homeless guy fell into the Tower 7 memorial three blocks away. Andrew Fox had a great new joke that he was talking about. He just got divorced and he just got married again. And he was like,

yeah, I just got divorced and now I'm getting married again. He was like, that's like, I just ran out of tower one and ran over to like tower two. It was like, I'll be good in here. That joke can be brought to you by Andrew Fox.

Everyone. Welcome to the portion of the podcast where Matt just tells other people's jokes. I can't think of any funny ones. Sorry. I says the guy of any funny ones. Sorry. I says the guy who just wrote nine new minutes and now I treat myself like I'm Picasso. Damn, you humble bragged about having a hot girlfriend. You humble brag about

nine new minutes of stand-up. I'm proud of you. Having a hot girlfriend has nothing to do with me. It has nothing to do with me. You've been around about wages and your girlfriend's ugly? Look, dude, you just follow a girl to the bathroom. Sometimes they go home with you. Sometimes they have to.

Sometimes it's your bathroom. Oh, not only should every teacher have a gun, every McDonald's employee should have a gun too. I think every McDonald's employee does have a gun. Oh, he's just bathing. He didn't fall in. Yeah. Well, no, he just kind of like lays on the edge and just drifts in.

How deep is that? I mean, that's a perfect way to go out. Yeah, like that initial fall is already pretty. Yeah. That's a pretty big splash. That's at least like a story up, I guess. And then I don't know how that just looks like a fucking, the 300 pit.

Oh, that's how they should execute anyone. That's a charge of terrorism. Gerard Butler gets the 300 kick them into that pit. Gerard Butler, but like real Gerard Butler. Yeah. Real Gerard Butler, regular guy, but into that pit. Gerard Butler? But like real Gerard Butler? Yeah, real Gerard Butler. Like fat, regular guy?

But still in the 300. Yes, uniform. Just in sweatpants? Yeah. They just take people from Guantanamo Bay, and that's their death sentence. Is that like an endless pit? Does that go all the way to China?

That? Yeah, I wonder where. It's New York, I doubt it. It goes into the top of a subway somewhere. Ooh, nice. It goes into where the mole people live. It's like Mario. You get a pup out of a different one. Oh, nice. It goes into where the mole people live. It's like Mario. You get a pup out of a different one.

Bigger. You pop out the other memorial. That's what he thought was going to happen. He was playing Mario. Look, he just kind of hangs over that. To be fair, he might be on mushrooms. He just powered up. I've never done that on mushrooms.

That's the slowest suicide ever. He's bleeding. Yeah. I think he fell and it broke his legs. Oh, shit. Yeah, he's going to pop out bigger. And then somebody like off camera, there's somebody shooting a turtle shell at somebody. He's going to give metal legs. It's when the flashing star turbo runs through the city

and collects all the other homeless people's food. I hope nobody's thought of that angle for that video. Cause that's a lot of fun to think about. Homeless people should be, uh, messing up monuments more. I think that's what they're there for. Yeah. Homeless people should be messing up monuments more. I think that's what they're there for. Homeless people should ride on any monument that has a horse. There should always be a homeless person riding like they're on the back of a motorcycle pretending. Yeah, you should be able to sleep on the Lincoln

Memorial. Yeah, if and when I lose my mind, I'm just going to go to wherever there's the most memorials and just talk to them all the time. Yeah, the DC Mall or whatever. Yeah, that'd be kind of sick. What are you going to them all the time. Yeah, the DC mall or whatever. Yeah, that'd be quite kind of sick. Oh, this is just a guy. What are you going to do with the Washington Monument? I don't know.

This is the most extreme thing I've ever seen. The next video that played is a guy in one of those motorcycle cages where you just go around in circles, and it's on fire, but he can't get out of it because he has to wait until they put the fire out. No, this is the same video. This is where the guy ended up. This is how he broke his legs, and he walked over. That was the other side of the out. No, this is the same video. This is where the guy ended up. This is how he broke his legs and he walked over. That was the other side of the portal.

Yeah, this is the other side. Yeah, a lot of people don't know that. When they're taking pictures of it, right behind it is a three-ring circus. I don't know. I do. Don't worry about it. All right. I'm the boy.

I'm the boy of the year. I've been traveling all over the map, man. Yeah, me too, dude. That was Miami. What'd you do down there? Miami's all right. Do you fly there? I flew there.

You fly a lot. I'm flying like crazy. I'm very good. Did you go to Coyo Taco? That's my favorite taco place in Miami. No, I did get tacos on the beach, and it was very nice. Me and a guy, an Austrian guy I work with, who I can't really understand a lot of words that he says, we had a really cute taco date on the beach. I think everyone thought we were on a first date. It was great. We're

digging. He was like, this is all good. And I was like, I know, right? Welcome to America. These aren't American. These are made by a Cuban guy. That's the best part of American food is that it's mostly other people. Yeah. We don't have any food. Have you tried pizza? I think hot dogs count. No, Frankfurter. It's German. Oh, you're right. They remind me of that every time I go over there. They brag about hot dogs? They're like, listen, it wasn't that bad, and we made hot dogs. You're like, whoa. They have no right to brag about anything.

No, you just got to be like, you can eat those things? So, I don't know. Yeah, that was one of them. No, Miami was all right. You put them in your ass. Miami, dude, it's, I don't know. I went down there while the Phillies were playing the Marlins back up here. And so I brought every Phillies t-shirt I own.

And I walked around waiting for someone to be like, ah, fuck you. I saw like three people in Marlins hats. And I was like, hey, you know, we're playing tonight. And they're like, huh? Okay. Why is he talking to me about my fish shirt? And then I point and they're like, ah, dude, I don't fucking know. They give it to you when you land on a raft here.

It's my fish shirt. I'm just wearing're like, ah, dude, I don't fucking know. They give it to you when you land on a raft here. It's my fish shirt. I'm just wearing my fish shirt today, dude. And now I'm going to be in Vegas for the entire Phillies Diamondback Series. I'm going to Bryce Harper's homeland. I'm going to go pay homage to him. Is that where he's from? Yeah, he's from Vegas. He's like a religious kid from Vegas.

Yeah, I saw he doesn't drink. Yeah. No, I think there was a big chunk of religious people that went to Vegas to try to change sin. And then they just gave up and they're like, no, we just live here now. Oh, like missionaries? Yeah. No, I think there was a big chunk of religious people that went to Vegas to try to change sin. And then they just gave up. And they're like, no, we just live here now. Oh, like missionaries? Yeah. And now they're just all doing missionaries.

I guess instead of being a missionary, you're more of a doggy style when you go to Vegas. Yeah, to be fair, a missionary is probably the least used position in Vegas. No one wants to look their prostitute in the eyes. We're not missionaries. We're like lazy side sexes. We're paying for a missionary. Yeah, true. Yeah, speak for yourself, brother.

You give me a big bro. Hey, I'm going to Vegas this week. Yeah. I don't know, man. Have you ever been to Vegas? No, I'm kind of scared. It's all right. It's nothing like, it's cool to walk around and be like, oh, look at that. It's just a bigger Atlantic City. Atlantic City. That's what I tell people. Like, I had

Atlantic City 45 minutes from my house growing up. Like, when I was 21, you would go down there every other weekend. So Vegas, I could get drunk enough in Atlantic City where I thought I was in Vegas. You know what I mean? True. That's my theory when everyone's like, you got to go to tropical islands. I'm like, no, I can go to Sea Isle and get really fucked up on a beach and think I'm in Hawaii.

Yeah, true. Drink with 19 years. The hepatitis content is the same of both yeah plus Atlantic City is not on fire take that Hawaii what happened it burnt down right what the hell

the whole island or all of them the rock apparently the rock and Oprah did it yeah the rock and Oprah did it so

yeah you want to talk about two fucking big black chicks the rock and Oprah we were at a are we talking about that no my bad

we were we were at at this brewery tasting thing It was just a fun tale Wait, weren't we just talking about something? Yeah, what was it? Now we're talking about a brewery tasting I want to hear about your thoughts on Vegas You're scared of it? I'm scared of it, yeah, because I don't want to get beat up

I don't want to get kidnapped No one's going to kidnap you You don't think so? You got to think about it The only reason they're going to kidnap somebody is if they can make money off of them so unless there's a ring of people kidnapping people for crowd work i think you're okay i don't do crowd work dude crowd work's hacking someone's behind a curtain somewhere they're just like fucking ask him where he works ask him what he does for a living yeah dude are you two dating yeah two dating

what's up with cars am i right right? That's not crowd work. No, then you go into, what do you drive? Okay, true. So yeah, Vegas, I don't know. It's not, it's, I think there's a lot of like lore and everything around Vegas. And then you get there and you're like, oh, it's just people in motorized scooters playing slots and dudes that never get away from their family being like, fucking what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

Like that's chlamydia. That goes back with you every fucking time. Is there a Trump casino in Vegas? Or is that just a city? I don't think it's actually his casino. I think what happens now is basically the Trump name is a licensing fee. So any building that has Trump's name on it, they just pay for the license.

Can we license your basement out to Trump? Yeah. No, we should start a Hillary Clinton casino. True. That'd be kind of fun. Everybody just want me to just have to be like 15 year old kids. Yeah. There's just a huge effigy of an owl that we burn every day.

Yeah. They get like a drink. You know, they're like the drinks that are floaters or it's like a beer and it's got a shot in it. It's instead of Bohemian Grove. It's Broheme. It's just a Miller Lite with a shot of Adrenochrome. It's Barstool presents the Hillary Clinton casino.

I was thinking of that. I flew out to Europe with a bunch of Jewish guys and some of them were the bros. Some of them were like young, like 20 something year old dudes. You're like, you know, they just want to,

they want to take off that big old hat and the yarmulke and just party. It was like, those are the Hebrews. There's Hebrews. It's going to be now. I was and just party. I was like, those are the Hebrews. There's Hebrews. It's going to be now. I was also thinking instead of He-Man, it's He-Man. And it's just He-Man, but

he's also Jewish. He's just a regular Jewish guy. I said on a tap market. I'm about this. I think He-Man is good, but I think that's also I think you can't call people Hebes. Yeah, his superpower is that his stomach hurts. I have the power. My stomach hurts.

Oh my God. I ate too much matzo. Oh my God. It's so dry. How much salt is in this? It's so funny because you think you're overdoing it with that accent. And then you actually hear like Jewish guys from New York and you're like, oh, I'm underplaying how much they're actually that guy.

I'll do Jewish beer garden, Hebrews. Hebrews, there it is. I really think we should ease off the Jewish population, considering Israel. That was tough. That was the day that I flew, and I was thinking, I got off the plane, and I learned about the attacks over in Israel, and I was like, well, I have to just forget all the thoughts I've had

for the last eight hours. Let's just start my day now. Did you guys hear about the one Playboy playmate who posted stuff on social media? Mia Khalifa. She was in favor of Palestine. And then Playboy just cut her off entirely. Are we that concerned that the user base is that worried about it

when they're watching the videos? If anyone's tuning into Playboy, they'd be like, I wonder what her political stance is. Yeah, I know. She's got two big fake political stances attached to her body. She used to be the big doll in Browntown. The real divide in the Senate.

Yeah, you want to talk about that. That's the Gaza Strip right in between her tits. One boobs conservative, one boobs liberal, too. Congress. It's not Congress. What is matzah? It's a ball. You're the worst guy.

You call me Johnny Matzah Ball like 14 times a week. Yeah, it doesn't even know what it means. That's what adds to the charm of it. Like, I don't know anything. Yeah, that's my whole thing. Matzah is a type of bread. I think it's unleavened bread, right? Yeah, I believe so.

Yeah. Unleavened? Unleavened? Unleavened. Unleavened, yes. I mean, it hasn't risen. It's unlike Christ. It's like bread without yeast.

Do you think that's why they like unrisen bread? Because they're like, Jesus rose Technically the Catholics like it too That's what the host is Yeah, they got to get better hosts We've talked about that We did talk about getting a bowl of it just to eat, right? You can get it on Amazon

It's not hard to find Yeah, they're cheap My cousin's husband did it That's not that good My cousin's husband did it one time, actually. My cousin's husband did it one time. Anyway, guys, what about Jimmy Butler's hair? No, I didn't.

We were at a... I found out me and my girlfriend are both equally pieces of shit. We were at the brewery tasting, I was saying, and they had these things called, like, beat boxes, which is just boxed wine. And the girl was, like, selling it to us kind of... Is it beet wine? Beet box.

Is it made of beets? No it's just like That's how you open it? Yeah I'm gonna beat box You rap ready? Set go Top to the bottom

Left to the right Inside or out Morning or night We're coming from the basement We go to the roof I'm coming at you bitches, I told you the truth We're not fucking around, we're not playing today Matt is cool, but he's gay I don't trust a word that he says cause he's stupid

I don't trust a word that he says cause I'm lucid Uh, damn, did I just spit bars? Did we just make this song in the summer? Did we just come at Do-rag and the Deer Tag? They think they got bars? Yeah, you guys came at me I'm not gonna lie, I was above myself in that moment Spit bars? Did we just make this song in the summer? Did we just come at do-rag-in-the-deer tag? They think they got bars? A little bit, yeah. You guys came at it. I'm not going to lie.

I was above myself in that moment. I just, that just flowed out of me. I can't wait to watch it back, and it's terrible. Yeah, their podcast sounds like the start of like a street joke. I'm not going to lie. I thought you were going to be more proud of me. I thought you were going to get up and hug me. Absolutely, I thought it was really good.

All right, we should just start. That's our new segment. We're just going to rip off do-rag-in-the-deer tag. Yeah, a black dude, a wigger, and a Jewish guy walk into a bar they're doing a podcast it's called the do-rag of the deer tag it's at raven lounge that's the bar a black guy a jewish guy and a wigger walk into the bar jewish guy buys it black guy i don't know all right can i rap again yeah let me try that again oh but so we're at the brewery tasting the girl's like i didn't even say the n-word sorry go yes well you should i't even say the N-word. Sorry, go. You just, well, you should not. I rapped without saying the N-word.

That's white rap history right there. Yeah, you're the Nelson Mandela. Usually the first time a white guy raps, he accidentally says it 43 times. Cannot relate. I used to rap back in the day. Fucking chicken Caesar salad rap. Yeah, I should just rap again, right? That'll save this podcast.

Sorry, brewery tour. We're at the tasting, and she's showing us the boxes or whatever. And she's like, this one actually has no sugar. The ones with more sugar have a higher alcohol content. And she was like, they're perfect for just like, you know, sitting at home with the family or like if you have some friends over and then Gab was like the movie theater.

I mean, he was like, the fuck? I mean, maybe. Yeah, I guess if you guys want in, we're gonna we just took our daughter to her first movie theater experience. Yeah, I think we're gonna go every two guess. If you guys want in, we just took our daughter to her first movie theater experience. Yeah. I think we're going to go every two weeks. If you guys just want to join in

and start watching Paw Patrol movie and Dory the Explorer movie. Me and Gab were. You guys get ripped on box wine while my daughter dances in the aisles. That's when I bring mushrooms, I think. Oh, yeah. We were talking about recreate.

We saw those pictures. They're really cute, but we were talking about recreating it with Zach. He's just scared under a blanket. It's like me andav and zach sits there and he's nervous yeah we laughed about that to ourselves and then i love zach i'm his zach how's zach doing i hope he's dead dude i'm just kidding we had a nice time i'm gonna be honest his door hasn't opened in days and there's a smell coming out last night we uh oh god we were sick in our brains but we were smacked sitting on the couch being like top 10 female vocalists. Whitney Houston, Adele, Amy Winehouse, R.I.P.

All the time? You're not tossing old stiff bones Celine Dion in there? We put her in there? Dude, her heart will go on. The rest of her will not. What about Cher? Did Cher make that list? Cher did not get in there.

I think she's in the top 15, but not the top 10. Cher, you know what sucks? I was introduced to old Cher. That's how I first knew her. You see young Cher. She was like top tier babe back in the day. Oh, yeah. Totally. I never knew it until her former husband ran into a tree and died skiing, and then they started showing

old clips of them. I was like, oh, Cher was a dime back in the day. Now she's just like an old scary mother. Is that how her husband died? Yeah, Sonny Bono. He died. He died. He skied into a tree. That's, what is he, a cartoon character? Talk about, you know, that's a good way to go out. Like, that guy jumped into the 9-11 memorial. Yeah, I totally disagree. No, if you're a big ski guy and you're like, I just want

to die on the hill. I think he was just a hobbyist who was there for one weekend and died. He's getting on a lift and they're like, Sonny, you forgot your poles. And he's like, trust me, where I'm going, I don't need poles. Yeah. He just goes headfirst into a tree like a rocket.

Dude, imagine. You know, have you skied before? Yeah. You fall constantly. So you're constantly like sitting in snow on the hill, especially if you snowboard. But imagine you're just sitting there snowboarding. You're like, man, I'm really starting to get the hang of this. And you look over and you go, holy shit, is that Sonny Bono? Yeah, but he's going kind of fast.

Yeah, he just dies. Bring him out right into a tree. He just splatted. Yeah. I would watch Sonny Bono explode. Sonny Explodo. Like, comment, share. Sonny No Buono.

No. Yeah, that was better than yours. Yeah, of course. Sonny Explode. Yeah, but I had one. We just got our, we do have to, we are wrapping hard out. I explode. Yeah, but I had one. We just got our, we do have to, we are wrapping hard out.

I'm trying to think if I had any incredible more tales. Oh, this is kind of fun. I drove past a place that said that it was an auto body thing and they did raps and films

and I like the idea of thinking that they just had like chicken Caesar salad raps and they played like the Lion King. Tarantino films? Yeah. We're actually just into

all tours and chicken Caesar raps here actually. What do you got coming up? We'll wrap it up real quick. Jay Ray's got to go to his real job. Most importantly, most importantly, November

11th, 4pm at Helium Comedy Club, the post game show will be at Helium Comedy Club. We're very excited about that. We've been working on that for a while. This is big news. If you live in the Philly area and you watch or listen to this show, come out to that because it's a show that we really love doing.

Yep. And if we can get it to be a regular at Helium, it would be fucking incredible. Yeah, John's the kid who got the A on the group project and he hasn't been in school in three years. Yeah, but some are saying the best part of the show. Yeah, John had mono and somehow walked in on an A on the group project.

Mono. Mono, we mono. But yes, please come November 11th, 4 p.m. We would love to grab tickets. It would mean a lot to us. Please, please. But yeah, that's Mono e mono. But yes, please come November 11th, 4 p.m. We would love to grab tickets. It would mean a lot to us. Please, please. But yeah, that's the most important thing. You got any shows coming up?

Yeah, I post them on the old IG. I don't know anything about whether or not my dad respects me. I think he does. I think he kind of like has some level of respect, but I think he also thinks I did a lot for this kid, and this is where he ended up. Yeah. Anyway, so post-game comedy November 11th.

October 27th, I'll be at the Wainbrook Inn out in Wainbrook, PA, in the middle of a cornfield, but great venue. If you're in the Lancaster area, go there. We'll party with some Amish. We'll have some fun. I don't know. Anything else you want to plug?

Oh, yeah. Also, Helium. I'll be at Helium on Halloween night doing a crowd work show, Jim Gillespie show. That'll be a lot of fun. So grab tickets for the helium, the October 31st,

November 11th chain, you know, brush your hair, brush your hair, brush your hair, the Hillary Clinton casino. And spa.