That Rules Podcast - Episode #97: Cleansing Crystals

Episode Date: December 5, 2023

Dude I’m telling you these rocks have some dang power in them. Grab your favorite amethyst, a blankey, and your favorite beverage and listen up.

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🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 Yeah, that's actually a good point. But apparently what you're supposed to do in the first minute, you're supposed to engage the audience. So I know we've been doing this for a little bit. What's up, idiots?

No, man. Welcome to the podcast. No, our true listeners know that we call them idiots. You got to go. True, yeah. You're right. Hey, idiots. What's up, idiots?

Oh, wait. So John's wife killed a man? Someone maybe like that's engaging to the audience? Were you just doing a Chris Aiello impression? What just happened right there? I don't know. Who's that? Oh. Was that verifiable Aiello impression? What just happened right there? I don't know. Who's that? Oh.

Was that verifiable information? Like, did John's wife actually kill someone? Yeah, why are you putting that out into the world, dude? Yeah, it's engaging. Now the audience goes, wow, is this...

Oh, Matt's girlfriend is a child? Yeah. Okay. She can slip through cracks more easily. Her parents definitely aren't very happy with him

after the helium show, though, that's for sure. I've watched that whole tape. They left immediately after the show, but they were just... That's for sure. I've watched that whole tape. They left immediately after the show. But they were just... That's actually... Of course, look.

We'll just talk. We'll talk about it. We did the post-game comedy show at heliumcomedyclub.edu. It went, not going to brag, pretty darn well. And... I am going to brag.

It fucking ruled. Yeah, it did fucking rule. We're a minute in, right? Look at us. F-bombs. Frig bombs. We're dropping frig bombs. I'm Look at us. F-bombs. Frig bombs. We're dropping frig bombs. I'm going to cuss whenever the heck I want.

Yep. We're going to cuss up a darn storm until Hurricane Katrina does what it should have done. Destroy New Orleans entirely. Well, that was off-camera, Mr. Staroni. I was just finishing the thought. We all knew where you were going. I was thinking I said exactly what Kanye West said to Michael Myers about George Bush. Remember that interview?

Where they're just like going back and forth. He's like, if you want to donate to help people that are victims of Hurricane Katrina. And then Kanye was like, give me one second. I think he actually hates black people, which is just nuts. And they cut to the next camera and everybody's looking like, he really just said that. Did you ever see the sketch? It was a quick sketch. They did. I think for the NHL playoffs, they did a spoof on it. It's where Mike Myers brings Kanye to his first hockey game and they're up in the booth and the commentators like, Hey Mike, welcome to

the booth. Who do you got here? And he's like, this is my friend Kanye West. And it's his first hockey game. And like, he goes to talk and he's like, Oh no, no, no, no, no. We're not going to get anything out of you. And like, they just like leaned into it. I think it was for the NHL play, but it was only like aired in like in Canada maybe. Yeah. That sounds like something that only the NHL could do based on their fan base. Yeah. Cause the people watching aren't going to report it. Well, the people watching are like, who's Kanye West? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. They only know the four black guys that have gone through the NHL. Like what is is P.K. Subban doing in the box with Mike Myers?

Wayne Simmons, Wayne Brady. They're all on TV now. Did you notice that? Every single one of them is a hockey commentator. Yeah, they're the only ones who can speak well. The only ones who are interested to watch on camera. The other guys get on there and they're like, when do skates go pretty fast sometimes?

No, I will say hockey analysts are the best because they're all former players. Yeah. They all talk like hockey players. And the boys are buzzing best because they're all former players. Yeah. They all talk like hockey players. And the boys are buzzing out there. They get into it. The boys are hitting the boards. They're getting in the corners. They're digging.

They're digging. They're mucking. They're grinding, bud. Because they're the only dudes watching hockey. Yeah. They're also like the least paid out of the four leagues, too. So they're like, I might have to go back on the ice. I got a lot of alimony.

True. They're like Wayne Gretzky signing bonus of 75 000 the pittsburgh penguins actually send players out to deliver season tickets to their fans yeah yeah could you imagine like lebron james going yeah it was crosby just showing up on their front yeah no that's could you imagine other sports like patrick mahomes just walking around kansas city missouri it would also be hilarious to be the one Flyers fan that lives in Pittsburgh, and you're looking out your window, and you're like, fucking Sidney Crosby out front of my neighbor's house? True.

And he's delivering the season tickets to you out your window going, fuck you, Crosby. Yeah. Just heckling him. Yeah. But still, just everybody on your block's like, who's that guy going door to door? I wouldn't know Sidney Crosby if you had him kiss me on the lips. I'm a big hockey fan.

Aside from the greats, I've loved hockey my whole life. Aside from the greats, I wouldn't recognize a lot of people either. Are we discussing things I've been a fan of my whole life? I do act outs now, dude. I do act outs on the podcast. I want you to explain. Let's get back to crystals. You got some crystals. Yeah crystals no yeah well I got crystals and they gave us good luck for the post-game comedy show yeah I like the thing we delivered on our abilities yeah we need to get a

look at these crystals this is my girlfriend did my girlfriend treats me like the way you treated your dad when you were a kid you're like dad I bought you a gift and he's like well I bought the gift I paid for it yeah so she took me to one of these like psycho ass crystal places she was like I think it's get it, be honest. No, it's even worse. It's in like a little cushy fucking Hallmark strip that I live near. It's the most expensive town in our County. Yeah.

It's called Meraki. And, uh, we go in there and she's like promos. If you want, if you want it, you got to give us free crystals. Yeah. It's at, uh, I got it at home Depot. Some guy at the back stealing crystals on the low at home Depot. It's just a place. Matt also got just chicken souvlaki and like a bunch of Greek

food. Maraki is actually where they thought Kanye West was from, all the NHL fans. Marakis are what Mexican guys used to play. They would wear a sombrero and play the Marakis, right? That's how people from Minnesota say the name Morocco. Yeah, he's got a big Maraki. But yeah, so we go in there and she was like, I'm going to get them for you. I think they do stuff.

And I'm like, whatever. So she gets it for me. What a 20-something-year-old girl thing to say. I think they do stuff. True. It's just the most. I love it. That's all you need.

You're like, I love you. Give me crystals. It's an impossible argument to take apart. Yeah. That she's just positing that they may do something. It's really hard to argue that she could be wrong in any facet with that. So I was like, all right, cool.

So then they take you to the front and some like chick with bangs is like, do you want me to cleanse them for you? And I was like, oh yeah,

you ought to cleanse these puppies. Did she have a lot of like tattoos that aren't connected and they were in like the most random places but she looks like she got them all

in the same sitting? You're just describing patchwork tattoos. Yeah. Yes, she absolutely had those. Yeah. And her name was like Sarah, but it was spelled with a Z and a four.

Yeah, her middle name's Sage, but it really isn't. Her middle name is Meraki. And she lights up like a sage. She lights a sage. Of course she did. You don't get a receipt. You get a resage. You get a resage.

Sage is actually. Can I resage this, please? Yes. Yeah. I feel like incense in that store is like the ashtray below incense is like the ashtray in like a 60 year old dock worker's living room yeah yeah instead of burned cigarettes you just have burned incense all over the table it smells like a fucking bingo hall inside of there dude just like cigarette smoke and regret yeah nothing like a

girl named hope putting incense out on her arm so she can feel something. Yeah. That's the cutter of 2023. Slitting your wrist with sage is pretty. You just lay the entire incense across your arm so it looks like a slash mark. Yeah, yeah. She's like, this is how Kurt Cobain went. It's like, no, he didn't at all. I don't even know who told you that. He actually put sage in that shotgun shell.

I'm just trying to Kurt Cobain the girl who works there. They were all pretty cute. Well, hopefully, all right. But we. I'm going to have it real hard so you know were all pretty cute. Well, hopefully, all right. But we... I'm going to have it real hard so you know where to cut it. Yeah, true. So, yeah, so they, like, light shit on fire, and they just, like, wave it in front of the crystals.

Oh, they had to activate them for you. Yeah, and I had to sit there, because Gab's very good about just going, like, oh, cool, like, this is it. At the very least, she can say, oh, it's interesting to watch. She loves the ceremony. But I go oh yeah

you missed you missed the spot on the you know the cortisone my cortisone did the catholic school kid and you want to hit

the power of Christ compels you with it true yeah bless them I should have been like this is devil work if you could just do that in the shape of a crucifix

this would help us out you know it's really we're appeasing two gods at this point I know yeah well they all claim to be witches and I wanted want her to be, like, fucking evens. That's where the Wiccan harem is hanging these days.

They're all jumping around a fire being Kyle Pagans. They're pagans. See, this is my problem, though. If somebody claims they're a witch, like, the way you said, you can't argue with that. It's like, I'm a witch, and you can just be like, nah-uh. Yeah. That's the extent of the argument you can make. It's the same way that like a lot of people try to claim that they're part Native American.

You're like, no, you're not. Unfortunately, it's more so like, you know, my great grandmother fucked in Apache. You're like, no, no. Sadly, it's more so the way we claim to be comedians. It's like, are you? Have you made a cent from it? Yeah, sure. Yeah.

Every time you get home, your dad's like, how much you make for being a witch? And you're like, well, I had to drive to Cincinnati to be a witch in front of 13 people. We are technically doing a seance in a basement right now. We're just talking out into the abyss. I blew the candles out, but they were here. They were, yeah. Incense. He saged the room.

But perhaps these crystals may lead me into a new night of life. The show went awesome. And I can't say that they're totally dependent upon the crystals. What crystals? Let's see them. You didn't show them. You half pulled them awesome. I can't say that they're totally dependent upon the crystals. Let's see them. You didn't show them. You half pulled them out. I don't think you have them. I haven't seen these said crystals yet. They better blow my mind. You have a sack. You have a sack.

They're in a satch. Now, how much did the bag cost you, Matt? Be honest. The whole thing was like 13 bucks. I went in there and I said, kind of pretty rocks. And they said, you can have three. They just repurposed that girl Sage's old underwear and cut it into bags. Yeah.

What did they ever? Yeah, dude. So I'm crystaled up. So if you want to fuck with me, just know I got that thing on me. Take him out the bag. Somebody pulls a gun on me in Philly, I'm like, yeah. Dude, I keep that thing on me. No, take him that thing on me.

No, take them out of the bag. You can't pull out a sack of crystals and not show them off. They have to see the light of day. All right, I'm going to narrate this. Matt's slowly opening the bag. I have to be careful because I wore these pants earlier, so they got a little bit baggier, and I wanted to dry them up, but I forgot that I had my crystals in my pants, so one of them shot out in the dryer and broke.

More crystals. Is that more luck? That's a good thing, yeah. If you break crystals, you just get more crystals. That's the rule of division. Yeah, we all went to school. Are you going to start gifting these to people? Like, are you going to be a crystal guy?

No! I keep my power with me! If you just started secretly putting them in people's pockets when you saw them and they went home, they're like, all right, take my keys out. Another amethyst? I just start bestowing the fortune on people, you think? You're just forcing your fortune on people?

Yeah. I think I should give them what I've experienced. So what did they explain to you? Why are these crystals so powerful that they helped us do comedy? They don't say shit to you, dude. It's like they know they're getting you. She just goes, I'll sage it for you. I go, alright. I go, okay. If you say so, witch bitch. She goes, don't talk to me that way in my store. I said, I'll sage it for you. I go, all right. I go, okay, if you say so, witch bitch. She goes, don't talk to me that way in my store.

I said, I'm a rock of your world. Anyway, show went great. I'm trying to think, though, what's the guy equivalent that, like, we shit on, like, girls being into crystals, but what's the. NFTs, no question. Yeah. Crypto bros and NFTs. Those don't exist anymore.

That passed. There's still some people on it, and that's what makes it more like Crystals. When everybody was doing it, it wasn't like Crystals. Now that there's like a dozen of them left, absolutely more like Crystals. I think comedy is just my Crystals at this point. It's this thing that I have that I keep real tight and I love so much, but it's not really doing anything for me. Yeah, but you believe it so fervently that you're like,

it's probably like school shooter manifestos is like the closest thing. Yeah. Girl Crystals like school shooter manifestos is like the closest thing. Yeah. Girl crystals, school shooter. I had a crystal. I had a, what's the dark one? We're in the same ballpark, Matt. I'll give you that. One's in the nosebleeds, one's sitting like courtside, but they're still at the same arena.

This is like a second like run for crystals though, because crystals had a good run in the 90s. Like when peace signs were on everything, I i had a crystal like a onyx spear looking crystal on an echo stack on the wildwood boardwalk that was like the shit in 97 yeah no dude i've seen and the sad part is that thing probably cost more than matt's crystals you bought it on the wildwood boardwalk that thing was full of no dude a wildwood crystal it's just full of like weekend dad energy. It's just a hermit crab shell they painted over after the thing died out there. It was

actual crystal meth. I didn't know that that's how people bought it. It's like those little, do you ever see when you're in like a, do you ever see like in a bad convenience store, they have like those little roses in a vial at the register? Yeah. You know what those are, right? People just smoke crack out of the vial. Oh. You just throw the rose away and it's a pipe to smoke crack out of. You put it in are, right? People just smoke crack out of the vial. Oh. You just throw the rose away, and it's a pipe to smoke crack out of.

Oh, wow. You put it in there, you light it, and then you just suck it out the other end. But, like, they just sell them as, like, buy a little antique rose. Holy shit. You know who I'm talking about. Kinda, yeah. Japanese. Yes, yeah.

Perfect Japanese accent. I do wonder how you can buy crack pipes. That's it. That's the number one way you buy crack pipes. True, because it's like there's no other. Or you get a light bulb and drill a hole in the side of it. I know a lot about crack instruments. Seriously, I'm learning something right now. Please go on.

You're just lit off that lollipop. My prebiotics, I apologize, are through the roof right now. What percentage fiber does that thing have? It's too heavy. What's the ABF on that? This thing's really hitting hard. Why don't you dip one of your fucking gay crystals in it? Hey, John, I'll

put you in the freaking dirt, you bitch. You just start getting real emotional. You're like, I don't know what it is. Yeah, true. Guys, anyone know where the moon is? I am in tune with my emotions, dude. See, like, I don't mind the whole crystal culture, because I get, like, I'll meditate once every four months, and I'm like, Oh, I get it. But me meditating is like,

I sit in my car before I go into my office with my eyes closed going, you don't fucking hate this. You don't fucking hate this. Yeah. John, I love the term crystal culture there. Cause that, that leads me to believe, you know, like every like hobby and culture has got like a hierarchy. Yeah. Like, like, you know, we have people in comedy that we look up to. There's somebody somewhere that's at a Crystal convention going, don't look at her. That's Janice. She is the queen of Crystal culture.

Crystal Karen. And if you do look at her, bad things will happen. You look her in the eyes. Most definitely. Yeah, that makes a good point. She's basically Medusa with Crystal. I'm glad that we're talking about this because a couple weeks ago, I pitched you guys the idea of us doing a sound bath session with a Reiki healer.

We've kicked the door wide open. The Reiki healer has agreed to do a sound bath session with us. And I said we purely are curious about this. We're not going to come in and be like, we're going to be goofballs. But I really am curious. We're going to be zany goofballs. You think we're not going to have a little gaggle of fun? We're going to be goofballs. We're going to be goofballs. But I really am curious. We're going to be zany goofballs. Yeah, you think we're not going to have a little gaggle of fun? We're going to be goofballs.

We're going to be silly. But yeah, she agreed to do the sound bath session. So if we want to do that, it's in the books. You can bring your crystals. Yeah, but what if I just look down upon her? What if they just start vibrating and you levitate because of the crystals? Yeah, she will feel them on me as I enter. I'm selling that video for a million dollars.

Of me levitating? Ew, my pale art. Do you have to get naked? I as I enter. I'm selling that video for a million dollars. Of me levitating. Ew, my pale art. Do you have to get naked? I don't know why I thought you had to get naked for it. You probably don't have to get naked, do you? Is there any clothes? 100% fully clothed. I thought it was like a bath.

Matt just got tricked into being naked a lot when he was younger. Oh, damn. I thought she was going to rub us or something. I would love if you didn't ask that question, and we showed up, and Jay turns the camera, and it's just you butt naked. Yeah, you find it funny. That's what would have happened. I would started like unbuttoning my pants in

front of this poor lady and she'd be like what are you up to so should we have brought our own robes or yeah she's like you have nipple tassels i'm like we have crystals in the end so it's more layers yeah are you gonna turn one into like a keychain or something or they just pocket crystals pocket crystals or pcs yeah i'm pc guy pc guy i'm liberal real pc guy you know richard and son over here why don't you suck my pc huh why don't you do that dude put your crystals where my mouth is put your soft lips around my pc now how long how long do you think like are you gonna are you gonna customize your your crystal sack oh you're gonna put in an old crown royal bag this is gonna go until i have one bad day and i'm like fuck crystals i can't wait to watch you throw them

out your way we almost fucking had a bad day and I'm like, fuck crystals. I can't wait to watch you throw them out your window. We almost fucking had a bad day on the way here. We watched probably the drunkest driver. No, I didn't kill a cat this time, allegedly. Yeah, dude. I thought it was a gopher. Well, I said it was a gopher. I remember we were pulling out and John goes,

look at that. And I was like, what? And he like fucking floored it. No. No, I said, uh-oh, because it was already going to go into my wheel well, whatever it was. Definitely a gopher.

No, you went jackpot and then you floored it. Well, I mean, uh-oh, because it was already going to go into my wheel well, whatever it was. Definitely a go for it. No, you went jackpot, and then you floored it. Well, I mean, point system. And then you did some weird thing after where he looked at me and was like, you ever seen somebody slay pussy like that? And I was like, oh, my God, dude, why would you kill that cat? I never kill a cat. And you just kept rubbing your inner thigh. I think he did something sexually for you.

All right, can we talk about the drunk driver that we saw today? Yeah, dude. I think we're breaking down barriers here. I lose a lot of sleep overthinking I killed a cat. I haven't broken down barriers like this since January 6th. Hello, folks. This guy's cooking. They were just bike racks.

Crystal Matt's gone. They were just bike racks. Dude, if it's that easy to get in there, I don't understand the issue. You might be the first white supremacist to get into crystals. I'm not a white supremacist. I'm a... It's a crystal supremacist. I'm a crystal supremacist to get into crystals. I'm not a white supremacist. I'm a... It's a crystal supremacist. I'm a crystal supremacist.

That jacket screams like the head of a weird white supremacy organization. You know what this jacket screams? I'm too small! No, it doesn't. What? What the hell are you even saying? But did you mean to say that to me or are you talking to Jay? No, no, like the size of the jacket is too small for the size of your body.

I am the small one of the three of us, let's be honest. No, the jacket. I don't see size. You guys are all the same of your body. I am the small one of the three of us. Let's be honest. No, the jacket. I don't see size. You guys are all the same height to me. I don't discriminate based on size or else you'd be fucking on my shit list, dude. You, John, I will have to deal with you. I will have to do something to you. Can we talk about the drunk driver we saw?

The guy taking about four lanes at once on the way over here? Let's hear about this drunk driver. Is that 76? Because that's just like one and a half lanes, really. No, this one's nuts. He turned it into four lanes. It was impressive. We actually had to like pull away because it was like, you know, you're going about 40, 50 miles an hour. So he does hit somebody and that becomes something that could trail back towards you. And he was literally, it was kind of funny to watch that he would just go each lane and then drive in the middle of two lanes. And then he would just go in front of somebody.

And then they kind of had to like jump on the brakes. We kind of watched for like five minutes straight. I was pretty excited matt got ahead of it which was a gamble because it was like you had to find the window where he wasn't going to just take the wheel to the right and uh we got past him and then instantly we both had the feeling of like how we should stay behind him to see if he crashed like it would have been entertaining hopefully he just crashed and not into anybody yeah true so i've seen that before on 76. We should look at the 76 accident report. That guy definitely crashed by now.

76, right before you get to the South Street Bridge from the far side of the city. You know what I'm talking about where it goes down the two lanes? I watched the guy gun it and literally just make a U-turn all the way into the right-hand lane and smash into another car. Oh, he was fast and furious. I got lucky because I was probably about, I don't know, five, six seconds behind it. Yeah. And so they both ended up in the left lane, thankfully, so all of us were able to go over.

But that shit's terrible. That was about us like five or six seconds behind this dude, yeah. And he was like, and then you kind of get eyes on him when you drive past him because you're like, let me look at this risk taker, which you've got to respect a guy like that. Getting annihilated and going driving, what's braver than that? Yeah, on a Monday.

It's not even late. Yeah, he doesn't even have to be home yet. Yeah. True, and it is funny, too. Was he in a Prius? Tell me he was in a Prius. No, it was like a beat-up Nissan Altima, which is basically the same. And he was a cool guy handing it to him when we drove past.

He was just one up at 12 o'clock. As if the cops are going to watch him swerve for miles, but then pull up next to him and be like, he looks pretty relaxed to me. I think we'll just let him go. You got this. Dude had four tall boys and is staying away. Yeah, dude. I don't know.

Jerry Sandusky had four tall boys. No, they were so little. I saw a penalty last night on football that was for illegal touching. This guy who's never watched Sports List. I saw a penalty on football. No, no, no. I watched it the other night, and they were talking about a penalty for illegal touching. Like, shouldn't Jerry Sandusky have had a 50-yard penalty

off the top of every game for that, if that's an actual penalty? They should have taken him to the 17-yard line. He'd be like, I'm not going 18. That's gross. We'll turn it over on downs, thank you very much. He did it to the kids with downs, too. Speaking of downs, you were watching two kids with downs cook. Real quick, Jesus take the wheel.

Mariah Carey? Yeah. Or no, Carrie Underwood. Carrie Underwood, yeah. Isn't it kind of funny to think that Jesus does take the wheel. Mariah Carey? Yeah, yeah. Or no, Carrie Underwood. Carrie Underwood, yeah. Isn't it kind of funny to think that Jesus does take the wheel, but he was born in year zero and has no idea how to drive? Oh, shit! He's like, work a miracle now, you fucking Jew.

Which, he was Jewish. And he also was born in zero. That's kind of fun to think about. That is. But it's a little weird to think about, because he was born in December. So was the year... He wasn't. I know he wasn't actually born then.

Yeah. But even then, so July was zero until... Makes you think, dude. Doesn't. Never makes me think ever. Yep. I'm going to agree with you on that one. I'm just going to keep on celebrating holidays and thinking things are cool.

I'm done thinking about things deep. No, I do. You got to keep thinking. Religion and stuff. You got to just let it go. I think it's better to let it go. I don't got time. Not interested.

I'm too busy for God. You got to think about, oh my I think it's better to let it go. I've got time. Not interested. I'm too busy for God. You got to think about, oh, my God, is that guy mad at me? Oh, my God. Did I say the wrong thing? You got to think about that all the time. No, it's so fun. It is a weird thing. I hate that.

It's like when I get older, I've gained more and more perspective. I'm like, oh, most things don't matter. Yeah. Nobody really cares that much. And I just got to make sure a kid eats food every day, really, when you boil down to it. And I do appreciate you checking in on me like that. Yeah, you know, you are the kid. Matt, did you have your Wawa today?

I had it, sugar. What were we talking about? Yeah. Look, we'll talk about the show. Oh, yeah. And we got to talk about the special boys cooking. Yeah, we certainly do. That's the other one.

The real show. Yeah, post-game comedy. Helium. Oh, dude, thank God. The show, 430, perfect time slot for comedy. Honestly, post-game comedy. Helium. Oh, dude, thank God. The matinee show, 4.30. Perfect time slot for comedy. Honestly, I'm being dead serious. Yeah, I think an underrated part. Getting home at like, doing that show, still going out to the bar afterwards, getting home

and it was like 9.15. Yeah. I was like, oh, this is the best night ever. I know. And I kind of was worried of like, oh, it's 4.30. Like, you know, you don't want people getting hammered, but you want them to drink, loosen up a little bit, have fun. And I was like, ah, I don't know.

But then I realized the audience was like, the you want them to drink, loosen up a little bit, have fun. I was like, I don't know. Then I realized the audience was like, the average age was like 45, where it's like, if I could be drunk by 7 at home, perfect. Great turnout. All the comics crushed. You'll start to see, check out clips on all the comics Instagrams. They're coming.

It was, you can see them, we'll drop some names here. Summer alums, we had Ryan Foster on there. Peggy O'Leary was on the show. Paul Carson. Connor King. Paul Carson. Paul hasn't been on the podcast yet, I don't think, right?

He was before we had any reason to be on it. Oh, right. He was on our audio one. Pre-video days. Yeah, just us. Pre-vid. Yeah, the PVs. PV days.

Who else? Who am I missing? Tata Sharice. Tata Sharice and Brendan Donigan. And B. Don. Brendan Dingus was on there. Brendan Dingus ran one home. He brought it up because I didn't know who to ask to go first

because when you have a lineup like that, it's tough. Not that there's really egos, but if there is an ego, you kind of get it. These people are all working comedians. So it's nice to have one of your good buddies on the show that you can just be like, dude, do you mind going first? And he goes, brother, I'd do anything for you. Everything you did for me in my life, in my professional career, I would. Dude, Brendan crushes, man.

He does every time. He's the best. He's up there all the time. He truly is the best. And, Brendan, I just want to say, if you actually stumble across this, I mean Brendan Dinkus as a term of endearment. Absolutely. I hope you don't dislike it.

Brendan, I don't care how you take it, dude. I'll take you down. I'm not scared of you anymore. I'm just watching two dudes battle inside of youearment. Absolutely. I hope you don't dislike it. Brendan, I don't care how you take it, dude. I'll take you down. I'm not scared of you anymore. I'm just watching two dudes battle inside of you right now. There was Crystal Guy almost just cried. Yeah.

And then Jay interrupted you and then fucking Matt came back. It was weird. I reacted to get interrupted. No, no. It was good. You were like, I'm really feeling it.

Brendan came through and then you came back like, I'll fucking lay him out. Matt, it's okay. I can tell because you almost stopped and said, yes, please i don't know i don't yeah i haven't said an interesting thing in 47 000 episodes you think i'm going to start now uh but he did do it brendan real just a quick aside we did a sketch the other day and we do have similar sense of

humor but mine is pretty stupid so i had to kind of angled i did a sketch and it's just a very absurd one that i i really had to keep checking with him after i was like did you think that was funny you could be honest with me he's like yes dude it's fine yeah either way yeah he did great on the show man the show was awesome we had great turnout i think they might have us back again johnny boy mr reporter dog a dog uh lit it up like a christmas tree with no tv's noah which is a funny thing to say. Like when you have a credit, you're like, I was on Guy Code. And he's like, I was on TV. The TV. You heard of it? TV, TV, the show.

And they were awesome, dude. You guys really fucking. It was, I mean, you said off of, this is just us kissing each other's asses all the time. I love it. I like Crystal Matt. Crystal Matt's the best. Loving. Shut up, dumb pussy.

Anyway, so this fucking dork. You set it off with a great opening set, too. So it was, like, very clutch. I know you were nervous about wanting to do stuff with certain people in the crowd, and you delivered it very well. But then it came back later on as people knew that your girlfriend's relatives were in the crowd. I know. And were like, well, they're going to dig into this now. Yeah, I know.

That got interesting. And everybody was like, I don't think they were too, not that they could be too much, but like my girlfriend, it's kind of cool. Her dad's dad was a comedian. So it's the irony is like, you know,

he was around it his whole life. He talks to me about, you know, different comedy clubs and stuff. His dad worked at. So he got it. And her mom totally got, her parents are awesome.

So like we get along well, but it was kind of funny at one point, probably like the fourth person had gone up and a couple people started making like little digs just at like, oh, people's, you know, whatever with the girlfriend, blah, blah. And I saw my girlfriend and her mom start to walk out of the showroom. And I was like, oh no. I was standing next to you.

You looked back at me and just all you said was she's leaving. And I was like, oh. And it was directly after, it was literally like right after somebody had said something. I think it was actually I had said something because somebody brought it up in the set prior. So I was like, oh, this one's because of me. And so I hop on the phone. I was like, oh, no.

Did she hate it? It sucked, too, because I watched, like, the wind go out of you because the show was going very well. Things were running smoothly. And it's that, like, that energy of, like, when we're off stage, like, it's actually fucking we're doing this. It's going good. I watched it go from that to, like, I guess it's actually fucking we're doing this. It's going good. I watched it go from that to like, I'm going to have to have a long conversation. And then all was they left early because they just, you know, they wanted to get out. They don't everybody.

It was kind of funny. Well, that time, I think it was just your girlfriend or mom going to the bathroom. And she was like, yeah, we're just going to the bathroom. My mom can't stop laughing. She can't. She has to shit so bad. There might have been an accident. We had to go take care of it.

People are pissing their panty, their adult diapers. By all means, have fun at the show. It depends. Yeah, everybody. It's kind of funny. A lot of people left early, and I was a little worried about that. And everybody that I asked was like, yeah, they're scared of being in Philly after dark. And I'm like, oh.

Oh, my gosh. Oh, the murder rate in Philly. Oh, they're also running over some of our favorite athletes now, too, in Philly. Oh, Jesus. So you just got to do the next show in summer. That way the sun goes down a little bit later. Yeah, that's true. It'll be fun.

Yeah. They come out to all your brunch shows. That's it. Very honestly, the next date we'll probably get will be like nine months from now. So maybe that summer date is a real thing. But yeah, dude, we did the damn thing. It worked out. Took care of the comics.

Took care of my dad. Your dad took care of me? That sounded weird. My dad gave him head. No, the bar afterwards, your dad sneakily paid for me and my wife's meal in the nicest guy move of all time. Yeah, I talked to him after,

and he said not so sneakily. He told me that he told you that he was going to pick it up. No, I don't think I heard that part. No. Cause I walked over and he said, do you want to drink? And I was like, Oh, we might. Cause we weren't sure if we were going to eat there yet or go grab like Shake Shack and come back. Cause we hadn't eaten dinner yet. So I was like, Oh, hold on a second. I'm not drinking. I'll see if she wants a drink. We might not be staying. And then I went over to put food in again and the girl just walked away and i i'd like to think your dad did the dad move of like standing behind me as i was ordering going put it on mine yeah you know i mean like without me knowing it's such a good dad move but then yeah i went to go pay and she's like oh no no that guy took care of it and i was

like ah son of a bitch now i gotta sneakily buy your dad a meal yeah it's also funny to think like my dad like behind you sneaking around putting a gun in his mouth. Just as a fun joke. This is on him. It's his fault. I don't know why that would be funny. No, I have to somehow provide a meal for your dad and your mom somehow without them knowing it.

It'd be funny if my dad paid. He was going to show up as a private chef to their house unannounced. He has come home from something. I'm just naked in a chef's robe. Wait, what do they call them? Aprons. That's chef's robe. Hello. They show up at Benihana's and it's just me

working the grill. John, so you need to learn how to be a hibachi chef. We took my daughter, three-year-old, to Benihana for entertainment. We went to the one that is in South Jersey. One Asian hibachi chef out of all of them, we got him, and he was the worst one of all. Wow.

He put on no performance. The dude next to us was doing end one moves with eggs and, like, spatulas and shit. And our guy was just like, look, it's a shrimp. And it was just a shrimp. Yeah. I was very upset. I was like, your honor is very disrespected right now. Yeah, he dishonored you.

He was most dishonorable when he did it. You got to say something. You got to stand up for yourself. He should have taken his chef's knife and been like, I'm so sorry for this

right in the stomach. He's got to be like, dude, we shouldn't have ever pulled out of Vietnam. And he's like, not even Vietnamese at all, actually. And we should have.

You guys were losing. I'm Italian. No, but there's guys next to us like literally doing like N1 tricks, like tossing a bowl of rice over the shoulder to the other guy, catching it behind his back. And our whole table was just looking at him like, oh, that looks so fun.

That table was clapping and high-fiving, making memories. We're just like, this is fucking boring. You're guys making cereal and he's like pouring milk like it's a little baby with the first time. I'm missing. He's sitting down and crying. He starts pooping. You should be allowed to shit yourself if you're having a bad day.

Yeah. If you're going through a lot of work. Well, you are allowed to. If you're on the site filming something, and they're like, ah, Jay, I don't know that we really like the way this sounded. If you just stare a guy in the face and just like... Dude, the power of it. My daughter locks eyes with me when she takes a crap

in her diaper and it's like you see into another person, like you see into her soul when it happens. So if you did that, like people would be so sympathetic towards you going forward. They're like, I've seen you at the weirdest moment of your life. But the thing is, you have to be ready to commit to that because you're just two people holding pistols

at each other. So your pistol that you're holding is like, I'm going to shit myself and leave it in there all day if I have to. That guy's also holding a pistol where he can just piss his pants. Pistol, yeah. True. A guy just, yeah, you start pooping yourself, so this guy just starts peeing himself to be like, you're not getting away with this.

I know, yeah. That'd be sick to get like a stomach stoma that you put a gun out of to piss out of. Or maybe not. I don't know if you liberals are cool with that. If you lost your dick in an unfortunate accident, what would you replace it with? Someone else's dick. Someone else's dick?

Yeah. What race? Huh? What race? Swimming. Swimming? The 400? Yeah.

They're usually the blackest. Yeah. Yeah, of course. Michael Phelps? True. Fuck Michael Phelps. He's a Diamondbacks fan for no reason. He was another one where it was like, I remember when I was a kid,

I remember having to take alone time to be like, I can't believe you smoked weed. Did you remember that? I guess I was younger, so that was a big thing at my school. We had to write a report about why it was bad that Michael Phelps smoked weed. I went to a Catholic school and some of the kids in my grade tried to

defend it to our gym teacher who was a lesbian and she was like, it's wrong. It goes against God. I'm like, you know what else goes against God? Lisa. But then, you know, come to realize... WNBA, damn it. Come to realize she was the only good teacher we ever had and that weed is good.

From what I've heard. My friends have told me that it's good. Word on the street. Yeah, it's crazy. Michael Phelps called me and was like, yo, you gotta try this stuff. You're gonna swim so quick. Big advocate. Swimming highs. Fuck Michael Phelps. He was a Diamondbacks fan for some reason. Oh, true. You'd like to fill it.

I'm a big Oakland A's guy. Who's your favorite A of all time? Who's your favorite Oakland A of all time? For the players? Yeah, baseball players. Oh, I love Mitch. Yeah, Brad Pitt as a coach. Yeah, Mitchum Ketchum. Oh, Mitchum Ketchum?

Do you remember Mitchum Ketchum? Mitchum Ketchum would be a great baseball name. I think he had like 400 RBIs. In one season. One. Me and Jay have never watched sports before. Yeah. Saw him get a penalty at the football and I'm like Mitchum Ketchum.

RBIs. Would you say basketball is just like your only, do you know a lot about other sports at all? No. No, just basketball. I could learn anything. Yeah. Now, how happy are you watching the Clippers fail? Because I'm enjoying the hell out of it.

I've never felt joy quite like it. Well, especially while Maxie's just going off, too. Watching back-to-back, dude to James Harden just totally flaming out. And the same night Tyrese has 50 points. And then just trying to explain to your girlfriend why that's good. And she's like, you got to leave me alone. You also got to feel for the stripper that Harden has just taken all this out on. Yeah, I think he's gay.

Somewhere in LA. I think he's gay. You think so? Mm-hmm. I truly think he's gay. And that's fine. But I just think that that is what he is. Doesn't bother me.

But I just think he's that. Not saying it into a mic and a thing that's going to go on the internet. I still think, I still stand by that if the NBA would be so, like WNBA has lesbian couples. Like the drama of like James Harden, Daryl Morey breakup, a GM player that had a great relationship. You could really sell that, yeah. If they were making sweet love, if he was, if James Harden, Daryl Morey breakup, a GM player that had a great relationship. You could really sell that. Yeah.

If they were making sweet love, if he was, if James Harden, six foot five dating Daryl Morey, also a big bitch, dude, about six, three chubby white body.

It's tough too. Cause it's something in the front office is having sex with one of the players. Right. And he's signing up to contract. So he's like, the NBA just needs to embrace it completely. They need to lean into it.

I think they should only sign gay players from now on. I think you should have no more straight. There's a WNBA. There's a NBA and then there's NBA. And it's everybody in there is a homosexual. NBA jam is a totally different game. Now every game that you try to post up. Good luck, buddy.

He's on fire. He's hard as hell. I'm telling you, dude, I think they're missing out on an incredible opportunity. And be gay. Imagine the hard knocks of that, dude. Literally getting knocked hard. We need professional gay sports.

That's what I'm saying. Every league. That's what the WNBA is. That's their angle. They got to embrace it. The NFL? No. The Tennessee Carbon Munchers.

There it is. Are here in town. Cutting that. Trying to think of more names. I'm not quick on my feet right now. The mind was bad. It was a bad start. The Chicago Bears.

True. You changed the name. There you go. The Otters. No, dude. You keep saying inside the Twins, it's just the Twinks. They just put a K in there? Yeah.

The Minnesota Twinks. Their logo should be boobs. The Minnesota Twinks is a great team name, though. That would be fantastic. That's like basketball stuff. There has to be a gay bar in Minnesota called the Twinks is a great team name, though. That would be fantastic. That's like basketball stuff. There has to be a gay bar in Minnesota called The Twinks. You'd hope so. That's a missed opportunity if there isn't.

That's going to be our first business venture, guys, when we start making money off this. We're going to open up Minnesota Twinks, the only gay strip club in Minnesota. True. Boy, you're going up there to Minnesota, eh? I went to a gay sports bar in Philly not too long ago. Gay sports bar? Yeah, one of our friends is lit. What sports was it?illy not too long ago. Gay sports bar?

Yeah, one of our friends is- What sports was it? It was real. It was boy sports. Good boy sports. Strong boy sports. Not pickleball or nothing like that. But she told us, she's like, hey, we're going to watch the game at a sports bar if you want

to come meet us. And we're like, yeah, that sounds good. And I went there. It was all just like sexy boys in crop tops. And I went, man, this is not like any sports bar I've been to. And then it started to slowly dawn on me. I was like, ah. But they also all know more about the sports than you do.

True. I was getting mansplained. Yeah. Yeah. I was getting mansplained. You see, Matt, when he's up to bat, he gets three times to swing at. Yeah. I just panicked.

I told him, sorry, I can't focus on PMSing, guys. They're like, that's not even what you could do. Guys, when did we start getting gay? When is sports getting in the way? That would be another great endeavor, dude. You think gay men would be naturally attracted to sports when you think about it? Like, you get to spend all your time

with a lot of guys at the same time? It depends on your type. Yeah. Watching sports is like an extraordinarily gay thing. Yeah, you kiss your friends when you do it. Yeah, right? I probably have. If the Sixers ever win a title, I'm going to hook up with both of you guys. At the same time. That's for the Patreon. I'm going to hold you guys like title, I'm going to hook up with both of you guys. At the same time.

That's for the Patreon. I'm going to hold you guys like babies. I'm going to undress you guys after our fucking reiki bath. I'm going to never root for the Sixers to lose more. And there's going to be sweat on your lower back, so my hand's going to slide a little bit down towards somewhere. If the Sixers take the title,

he's going to put crystals in my butt. If they take the title, I'm taking your goddamn title as a straight man. And I'm making you my little boy. Trading in the title. Watch me, dude. You're over that chip. Just know if the Sixers are up 3-2 in the finals, you're going to see me stretching a lot. There's our first merch.

It's Matt hitting a crossover. And it says, if the Sixers win the championship, I'll go gay. I will fuck my co-host and producer. Dude, imagine that. There's always the story of the thing that, like, brought the team together. Like, a player got injured, and it brought the rest of the team together. The Sixers all rally around you getting gay. Yeah.

It's totally. It's just like, hit the song, and it's just a video of you. It's like, 76ers. It's just guys coming at you left and right. Game seven. They just, when they're about to win, it cuts to me in the slow motion and the audience is rubbing my nipples. Your girlfriend comes out and blocks the game winning shot. True.

To send the Sixers into defeat. What a selfish wench she would be, should she? What a great movie we just wrote. That's a fantastic movie right there. Yeah, what's that movie called? I can't wait to be the older Air Bud. Take the name of a franchise and repurpose it. You do look like a golden retriever.

Yeah. If you were to assign dogs to us, I think I would assign a golden retriever to you. Really? You got good hair. It's brownish and lightish, right? Brownish? You're loyal. Huh?

Yeah. You seem like you can chase things really good and bring them back. Girls. Or that bad mustache. You're a loyal friend. I'm a good friend. Yeah. I think you're and bring them back. Girls. Or the bad mustache. You're a loyal friend. I'm a good friend. Yeah. I think you're a golden retriever.

Yeah. I think you're a little poodle. I'll take a poodle. I was thinking poodle, actually. John's a little poodle. Yeah, because you're yappy. I like to think I'm like a Yorkie. You're a little yappy.

You go, I'm like a scrappy Yorkie. Dude, you're scrappy, dude. I'm a poodle? I give you golden retriever. I give you the highest praise. I give you the peak of white dog. I know. You give me poodle. I didn't mean to, but it just felt that. I had a shit Retriever. I give you the highest praise. I give you the peak of white dog. I know. You give me poodle.

I didn't mean to, but it just felt that. I had a shit poo growing up. I'll be a shih tzu poodle. I was going to give myself pug, shih tzu, or maybe lab. You might be pug. Yeah, I think I'm pug. No, you got boxer written on you. I can take boxer.

Yeah. You're wiry. My sister has boxers. I'm like, they're good, but I feel like they're capable of something I don't know. Yeah, you don't know. I think Jay's a bit of something I don't know. Yeah, you don't know. I think Jay's a bit of a Basset hound. Basset hound? Yeah.

What's that? You're real good, man. No. You don't have floppy enough ears. You gotta have floppy ears to be a Basset boy. My ears are really big as a kid. My wife likes to think I... You go into them?

Yeah, my wife likes to think I could hear colors. That's why I did sound prolific. I like to think I'm a collie, like a border collie. Really? I'm not. Am I really a collie? I don't really know enough dogs, but I'll put a dog down if I have to. I like to be an Australian something.

How about that for a prank show? I feel like when an Australian's in front of a dog's name, they're always cool. Australian shepherd, I'm making these things up. I like it. I just keep thinking about a prank show where you put people's dogs down. What's up, guys? It's your host, Mad Peoples. And today we are going to be putting down little nine-year-old Oliver's baby dog.

And he comes home and the dog is really stiff from the rigor mortis. I was hoping you'd call them baby dogs and not puppies. Because I'm not familiar with dogs. And I put them down pretty crudely. And then the kid comes home and it's stiff from rigor mortis. And I'm like, we got you, you total fucking loser. So that would be a fun, maybe a prank show. Yeah, that would definitely be one that you can manifest that with your crystals.

Ashton Kutcher, yeah. Oh, God, I hope I get a prank show where I get to kill dogs. I think Ashton Kutcher is available right now. Yeah, I could get him. Yeah, he is. I mean, that would be the next Air Bud. Putting Air Bud down. Air Dud.

Saving private Air Bud. Storming the beaches. That could be fun, man. As a comic, you've got to always be thinking of new ideas. I just pictured a bunch of dogs getting off of those boats and getting mowed down. Dogs storming the beaches of Normandy. One dog picks up his leg and just hops off with it in his mouth. Like the dude that picks his arm up and keeps walking.

You're talking about Saving Private Ryan, the beginning scene just with dogs. That would be pretty awesome. You imagine like a German like a Doberman or something. I'm picturing the whole movie now. The scene where he slowly puts the knife into the guy's chest. Just two dogs doing that scene.

It would be a pretty effective tactic because H-Money was like a vegan. He was very against hurting animals. He loved dogs. So if he's like waiting. He was just okay with the people, you know? He's waiting for a group of like fucking Brooklyn Italian dudes and then the fucking thing pulls down on the beach and just a bunch of adorable puppies run out.

You're definitely giving him a bit of a twist. Yeah. That would be a good way to show them down. I mean, we did end up beating them. Yeah, we did a good job. I think our plan worked. But I still think dogs would have made for a good movie at least. We should replace all movies with all dog casts.

Then you try to do it in Japan and they all start eating them. Yeah. Okay. Okay, guys. I think that's more China than Japan, actually. But I get your point. They both like whales and dolphins. That's right. True. Wh whales and dolphins. That's right.

True. Whales and dolphins are mine. Good save. What's the weirdest thing you've ever eaten? Craig. Craig was good. I hate you, Craig. That's so disrespectful. That's what we bonded over.

We were both cannibals before we got into comedy. Isn't there a thing about the taste of human is supposed to be so revolting from a DNA perspective? It's supposed to taste bad. Oh, really? I didn't know that. I think I've heard that. It would just be a cut of meat, apparently, similar to any other mammal. Yeah.

But there's something DNA-wise. Well, it all depends on who you're eating, too, I think. True. You need the right people. I feel like a barbecue sauce can handle anything, though, when you think about it. Yeah. If you put a little hot... If you give me some honey sriracha...

Some black pepper? You know? Yeah. Just season it up a little bit. Who when you think about it. Yeah, if you put a little hot. If you give me, like, some honey sriracha. Some black pepper, you know? Yeah. Just season it up a little bit. Who do you think is the tastiest race? Tastiest race? I'm going Latino. I think you might be dead on. Yeah, I'm trying to think what's been marinating in, like, the best.

Like, I'm thinking nationalities. Like, French people taste like cigarettes, I imagine. No, yeah, they taste bad. Canadians probably taste great. But they're probably a lean cut. I want a fattier cut. But they always say that the best Wagyu beef and stuff, it's like they've never

experienced any stress at all. I feel like Canadians, especially when you get up into deep in Alberta and stuff, you get the people that are just like, yeah, I don't know. You probably ate them in front of them. Like they could be alive and you could be like working on their calf.

I think everyone from the Midwest would taste good, but it'd be like fast food. Like it's good in the moment. Yeah. You're eating someone from like Ohio, rural Ohio. They would taste good. Like in the moment, but you're like, ah, I'm going to regret this. Yeah. Then you get home and you're like, yeah, meth. It's just violent shit the next day.

I shouldn't have eaten that Christian from Wisconsin. What state's going to taste the best, do you think? Columbus, Ohio. Yeah, that's got to be beer battered. Everything's beer battered. Beer battered leg of a human. They've got to taste tight. Imagine if people from certain cities tasted like their food.

Like Kansas City, straight barbecue. Oh, I'd love that. I mean, it can taste like that. Whatever you put on it. See, that's the thing. Like, your body might reject it, but you might marinate that, you know,

piece of thigh meat for a while. My body rejects Chipotle. You slow cook that? Yeah, I mean, whoever tastes close to Chipotle. Or, like, Memphis barbecue. I remember when,

for work, I was in Memphis eating barbecue. They give you just, like, a pound of brisket. Oh, yeah. And I was traveling with an older guy that I work with, and he just

told me about how his first marriage failed. It's a very funny scene to be in where you're sucking barbecue sauce off your finger, and a guy's like, at least I get to see the kids, but I don't even think they respect me anymore. And I was like, no problem. Do you pass like a napkin? She left you for your friend? It sucked.

And it was so good that I couldn't stop eating. He was like, I can't really touch my food. And I was like, well, sucks to be you, brother. Yeah, that does suck. Have you ever gotten bad news? You get bad news while you're eating something good? That's got to be the worst. I mean, I have to finish this.

Yeah, that's got to be a complete thing. I understand everyone I know just died in a terrible accident, but it's like, it's Wagyu beef. Yeah, I know. It's expensive. Saying, oh, no, while you have to tuck food to the side of your mouth with your tongue is like, oh, fuck. Oh, I know. It's expensive. Saying oh no while you have to tuck food to the side of your mouth with your tongue is like... Oh, he jumped off a what as you're slowly just cutting another piece of your steak?

Cutting into a Canadian guy. You're like, what? Oh. What? Oh, yeah? That's rat's ass. Who gives a rat's ass? My dad would say that all the time.

I bet Jamaicans taste good. Well, that might taste like jerks. Yeah. Fuck you till you die I was waiting for that honestly I stink dude I'm a complete failure Didn't what Some celebrity got in trouble

For being a cannibal right Wasn't like Benedict Cumberbatch Or Armie Hammer Benedict Cumberbatch Armie Hammer Yeah pulled up Armie Hammer Strong accusations

That he was a cannibal Cause he was like texting girls Like I want to cut your toes off and keep them in my pocket. Is that what's in that satchel? Yep. You have your girlfriend's toes in your pocket, don't you? And I'm not getting rid of them. I'm keeping them and I'm-

He's doing an Army Hammer. Yeah, whose toes I'm coming for next. That jacket is a very, I bet you if you look up Army Hammer, there's a picture of me in that jacket. Yeah, you'd be exactly right. You'd be coming Army Hammer. I warned you. You're Marine Matty.

Remember every time I told you that I'm putting it down like a hammer? Damn. You thought that was a fucking joke? You're Navy Wrench. I'm Navy Wrench. Yeah, I am. Navy Wrench the cannibal. Old Navy Wrench. So yeah, he was apparently telling girls he wanted to eat them. And possibly, I love that they have that in parentheses here. They have, was first accused of sexual misconduct, parentheses,

and possible cannibalism. I feel like that should have been first. Those are a bit of a jump, yeah. But I think he wanted to do stuff with the bot. I think he was like, I'm going to cut your toes off and put them in my butt. That's fine. I don't understand the big... I mean, is he going to treat and cauterize the wound?

Of course you can. You have so many toes. Stop being so greedy. What can you do now in America? I mean, you can't do a fucking thing in this country. Oh, I can't eat a girl? I can't. Yeah.

She asked me to eat her. Every girl, though, the funny thing about this is every girl is disgusted by this, but every girl will see a baby And they're like I want to eat its face True Like what is that? Yeah

You should be able to do that To older people Oh you should be able to eat Old people I just want to bite Your little fingers off If I make it past 80 guys Start taking bites out of me

Yeah Big chunks I'm telling you I will I will eat you That's how the podcast will end Our final episode is going to be Me like slowly eating you On a live stream

For like 13 hours I want to be Turned into you on a live stream for 13 hours. I want to be turned into ashes and cooked into something for you guys. That could be cool. What do you eat with ashes in it? What? What do you eat with ashes? Or maybe you use the ashes as a garnish, if you will. A garnish.

All right, what state do you want my body to be turned into? Have it crispy Brussels sprouts. You make it into a parmesan cheese that goes on top? Perhaps a gash estate? We can smoke you? Yeah. What are y'all puffing on? I'm puffing on that Johnny Mond tag, bro.

Just the premise of the movie, How High. Is that true? Yeah. It's Method Man and Red Man. And I think Red Man smokes Method Man or Method Man smokes Red Man's ashes. One of the two. Wow. No, I think they're both together. He goes to college. Oh, yeah. It's their friend. It's their third friend. They Man's ashes. One of the two. No, I think they're both together.

He goes to college. Oh yeah, it's their friend. It's their third friend. They smoke his ashes. He gets them into college by helping them cheat on tests. And then they just go to an Ivy League school. And they're like, we're rappers. And every white girl's like, we want them. It's the best movie ever. Can you believe there's a writer's strike?

These guys are in everything. Through the late 90s into early 2000s, they were just greenlighting everything. Oh, dude. Who deserves it more? Amazingly bad movie. That writer's strike. I worked during the actor's strike, dude. You.

I'm a sap. Fucking scab. A scab. A sab. Yeah, dude. I'm a sab. I'm an actual car from Europe. I'm a sab.

I should be applied to Burns. That's funny. Yeah, I guess that's funny to just talk about my art like that. Damn, you're a crystal scab. Full. I'm a salve. I should be applied to burns. That's funny. Yeah, I guess that's funny to just talk about my art like that. Damn, you're a crystal scab. Full! I'm the one. I can't wait for the Reiki healers to go on strike, and you're like, I'm going to become a Reiki healer.

You should become a Reiki healer. I'm on the precipice. You should be a Geki healer. It's just a guy laying on the ground, and you're dangling your boner over him going, you feeling that energy? Yeah, I guess I kind of do. going, you feeling that energy? Yeah. He's like, yeah, I guess I kind of do. Yeah, you kind of.

Yeah, dude. It's like when you watch those chiropractors adjust people. My girlfriend started going to a chiropractor, and I did not like it. Yeah, those are a weird rabbit hole to go down on Instagram of them just like breaking people's necks. I know. She told me that the chiropractor came up to her and went like, touched her forehead, and he goes, oh, okay. And then he touched like her elbow forehead and he goes oh okay and then he touched like

her elbow and he went yep and he goes you're parasympathetic and sympathetic nervous system is totally off and I was like this guy is stealing money from you this is money you could be putting toward crystals for me it's not actually like it's not actually licensed medicine I don't think like you can get

diplomas in it but it's not like regulated medicine yeah I also think you can't sue chiropractors. It's part of the job series. Once you get promoted from manager at Burger King, you're a chiropractor for like 11 years, and then you get to own a franchise. It's like we talked about how most white girls become nutritionists at some point.

Yeah, every person who is a chiropractor is in like an 11-year residency before they could be a franchisor of a Burger King. So if you see a guy as a manager. It's like a prerequisite. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, so you're a manager for about three years, and then you have to be a chiropractor for 11, and then you can at least put your hat in the ring to buy a Burger King.

But no Play Place. You've got to earn that one. The Play Place is another. The Play Place is. You've got to earn that one. You have to eat a guy. Yeah. Like you really want to be the king of burgers?

Here's a patty for you. Buckle up. It's a Canadian guy. Buckle up. This next chiropractic move is going to be a guy. You really want to be the king of burgers? Here's a patty for you. Buckle up. This next chiropractic move is going to be a real whopper. Okay, folks. He knows all the names of burgers. That's it. There's nothing else pun-wise for Burger King. McDonald's is the Big Mac.

Let's do Wendy's now. I guess that's something different for you. Are you just pulling up stuff? No, people keep blowing my phone. He's a popular guy. They're going, what's the next move? People are texting me now every day and going, dude, what's the next move? People are texting me all the time and going, who is this?

No, they're not, dude. They text me and they go, we're mobile. What are we doing? People are texting me all the time saying, unsubscribe. I don't know why. It's crazy. Have you ever got those like spam texts? Like people send you like a scamming text to like be like, hi, I'm this person.

You've like. Wait, those aren't. Those are scams? Yeah. I tricked them back by falling for it. Yeah. No, no, no. Some people like that are like.

Oh, yeah. They'll lean in because you're like. Are you this person? I thought you were them. And then the next one's always like, so what are you up to tonight? Oh, yeah. They're scammers. But I'll tell you, it's like if you were lonely enough And then the next one's always like, so what are you up to tonight? Oh, yeah, they're scammers. But I'll tell you, it's like if you were lonely enough, you'd be like, actually, I'm kind of glad you sent this.

Just try to get some feelings out. Yeah. If I fucking care. They are just banking on that. They're like, I'm eventually just going to text some guy at home really sad. Yeah, they just manhandle old people. Yeah. They just call and they're like, yeah, so the only way that you could pay the IRS is

with a GameStop gift card. You got to go to Walgreens. What do you think the scam is going to be on us when we're old? It's going to be sex robots tricking us into stuff, right? Maybe. I think that's already happening. I think sex robots are walking amongst us and we don't even know it. I got close to getting scammed about a decade ago.

People would have apartments listed for sale. And the scam was, I'm in another country. If you give me $100, I'll give you the keys for you to be in the place you were like totally no i i almost did i almost paid a hundred well to be honest it was a very cheap place and at that point in time trying to live up in like jersey city i was desperate right you know what i mean like if you ever try to look for a place in new york jersey like it's impossible and everything is obnoxious and this this was 10 years ago. I also like the thing right now.

Plus, this guy's a Nigerian prince. Of course I could trust him. Yeah, absolutely. He's good for it, guys. He's about to take over the throne. His dad is 93 years old. I think he said he was a missionary, and he was over in another country. I think I bought it for maybe two days or something like that.

And then I'm like, wait a minute. He's just sending you pictures of kids in a third-world country with flies around their head. He's like, look what I'm going through over here. These are my heirs. Can you just send that $100 and I'll Venmo you a key? That would be the real thing. If there was people in third world countries, they're like, yo, dude, you don't have to scam me. Just send me a picture.

Can I get 20 bucks? I'd be like, yeah, fine. Yeah. Do you have Zelle? The best scam of all time, not even a scam, is when you just watch on college game day, there'll just be one guy with a sign. He's like, I'm hungry. Somebody Venmo me money.

Then you see an article that 30,000 people Venmo'd this guy a dollar. That's all it takes. Yeah. Hey, and that being said, if you're listening to this, Venmo me a dollar. I'm going to get so many requests for Venmo dollars now. Don't Venmo John a dollar, dude. Request a dollar from him. Please, I could use so many dollars.

No, he doesn't even need them. He told me. He told me. Remember we got out of the car and you were like, I don't even need that many dollars. I have so many dollars lately. Frick you to heck. My daughter hit me the other day with I said something. I was like, well, you need money for that. I was like, you don't have the money. And she goes, well, we'll just buy

more money. And it stopped me in my stride. And I was like, damn, that's the deepest thing I've ever heard you say. I mean, your daughter just described a mortgage to you. Yeah, she was going to buy more money. I was like, oh, it's that easy. She's like, but daddy, we could just buy more money at an affordable 7% wait. Actually, if you look here, this one returns very well

after five years. It's basically working. Buying more money, you're using something else to get it. We should start a socialist labor party. Those never go haywire. Well, I think the problem is, Matt, we need someone like you at the front of it. Especially, you've got to keep the mustache

and be the front of the movement. Then it'll go somewhere. It's always some, like, hippie kid in L.A. or something like that who looks like he hasn't had a job in a decade. Yes. You go up there, Matt, it's going somewhere. Yeah, you're going to die tragically, but, like, it's going to be fun to watch you burn out. Put it on Spire of the Masses. They'll say the Crystal King left us to shoot.

You'll be the red-headed JFK. Damn, I can't wait for there to be a real crime doc on Netflix about they just found you and a bag of crystals dead in the Jersey Pine Barrens, and they somehow linked the crystals back to your murder. They're going to call it the People's Homicide. That sounds trendy as hell. And they start a movement under the guise of my influence, and then I live more in my afterlife than I ever did during my life. Doesn't that suck that that's probably going to happen? It's like a Van Gogh type thing. It was like Van Gogh never sold a painting when he was alive.

Yeah. Yeah, no, and then he was famous. I mean, most of the great artists of that period were a lot more famous after they're dead. But let's be honest, we have the internet now, duh. Also, to be fair, I'm not going to buy a painting from a guy with one ear. I'm just not going to buy a painting. Who would you buy a painting from now? Do you have any specific guidelines?

My first rule is you have to have both of your ears for me to buy a painting from you. That's rule one. That's rule two. That's rule one. Two, it's got to look cool. No way. I'm not buying a painting. And three, stop trying to charge me a lot of money for your art that's not that good,

everyone at a farmer's market. Yeah. I just paid for it. I'll say this. I just actually commissioned a piece of art this past saturday we went to the caricature stand and i had the guy draw my daughter as a ballerina and it was the best 20 of art i'll ever spend i did the same thing he went a little over the over the top with like he made her look like a pageant kid which was kind of weird that he was like thinking about your daughter is What a beautiful princess. No,

didn't think of it like that. He's a neighbor of mine. I think might be a friend down the line. Matt actually does caricature drawings on the weekends. I think he might be a friend down the line. He's a local pal that our friend groups are adjacent. That's funny

that you have friends in the pipeline. You're going to get them one day. You're going to get friends so soon. I'm done. No, I don't need any of them. You're going to go the same trajectory as me. You're going to make a friend 10 years younger than you when you're 35. Yeah, that's crazy. And then you're going to live vicariously through him and his friends. That is crazy. I was 23 when I met you. I was 33, yeah. You just

had the eye out for hot little boys. I was just looking for a young, fresh out of college, just know nothing. I was like, hey, come here. Let me impart no knowledge on you whatsoever. I think I can actually get you a spot in Harrisburg. Do you want to sit in the back of this mic and call people gay? You want to do that, man?

You want to sit here and then be part of the mic? I was looking at a flashback of our backyard barbecue show that we did. I was fat back then. That was wild. I forgot about that. I remember you would not let me go home, so I just had to go to sleep at the bar at whatever,

that Harrisburg Comedy Zone. Oh, yeah, we went and hung out afterwards. I got fucking hammered at this backyard show, and the people there... It was a fun show. I also got sexually assaulted at that show. You did? That was unbelievable in retrospect.

We talked about that early on in this, like just in the audio episodes. Yeah, some lady came up to me and basically was like, nice set. And then she found out about it. She didn't actually watch his comedy. She was holding his balls in her hand and she said, nice set. Unbelievable.

I don't even know what we'll leave this in, but that is a real thing that happened. And I remember like, there's the comedy of like, if somebody just squeezed your balls, your voice would get high. In that moment, I remember like, oh, come on. It was also funny because the comedy of like if somebody just squeeze your balls your voice would get high in that moment i remember like oh come on it was also funny because we were the the two of us were the novelty act because we were the only white guys on the show and at the show other than the two comics that were friends of ours that came out to watch we weren't the novelty act for the headliner in the future i know but it was also like look at these

white boys come up here and do funny stuff yeah and luckily the show went great like the sets were great, but it was funny to watch. Like everyone was like, oh, you guys are funny. And like, have a weird tone behind it.

Like we didn't expect it. Like we were over, we're defying the odds around here. We've got crystals in our pockets and we're defying the odds. God damn it. Then we went to the Harrisburg comedy zone after, and I was like, Hey John,

can we get going soon? He's like, yeah, sorry. I was reminiscing with my buds. It was one o'clock in the morning. We were three hours from home and I was like, hey, John, can we get going soon? He was like, yeah. Sorry, I was reminiscing with my buds. It was one o'clock in the morning. We were three hours from home and I fell asleep at the bar.

I was sobering up. Hey, that'll happen. I had to sober up before the two-hour drive. I had to go to the bar to sober up. Yeah. Sorry. It's okay. That's old me.

I don't drink anymore. I don't touch this stuff. Not yet. I think I don't know if I'll ever drink again. No? I've had a couple moments recently that would have been like I've had moments that were like celebratory where you're like, I should have a drink right now

like at a wedding or something. And I've had some moments that were like stressed out life moments where I was like, I need a fucking drink right now. And I didn't. And it wasn't like a battle. I don't know. It wasn't even that. It was like a moment that presented itself that I'd be like, oh, I normally would have gotten hammered right here. But nothing bad happened.

That was weird. Yeah, that's fair. Yeah, do the self-check-ins. That's what I do. Like, days where, like, if I'm not drinking on a weekend, I have to check in and be like, does this bother me or make me upset that I'm not? Let me really think about this. And every time that it's no, I go, all right, we're in good shape.

We're good. I've also been leaning heavy into all the money that I save from not drinking, just spending on stupid shit. What's the dumbest thing you bought from not drinking? Tonight I bought like $80 worth of Shake Shack for my family. I was dumb. I was looking at it and I was like, no, I was like, I could drive and pick this up.

I could pay an extra $11. Oh, and then there's a surcharge too. Okay, I'll just do that. DoorDash, it's easy to do that. Oh my God. That's the real, they tell you the perils of like, that's what they should have done of those above the influence commercials where they said,

oh, he smokes weed and he just sits there. They should show a guy smoking weed and fucking spending $80 on DoorDash and not thinking about it. That's the true peril is any time I'm smacked up. Yeah, not even like...

Not even buckling. Not a second of thought. I look at the fee and I go, bring me Wawa now. I'm not even going to eat it all. One in the morning, just ordering a meatball sandwich with like a Danish. Yeah. Making some fucking... But you do live a far enough walk away

from a Wawa to justify getting it delivered when you're drunk, I think. Yeah, but it's just also just... Because then I start to think of like the safety end of it where it's like, you shouldn't be out walking in the cold getting that meatball sub. That's right. I should have... Let some other guy die driving it over to you. I should have a lady who comes to the door and speaks broken English and goes, what, buddy?

That's what's great. When you order food in, like, a torrential downpour or, like, a snowstorm, you're like, well, I'm not going out in this. My life's far too valuable for that. You're already out. I mean, you might as well bring me a hoagie. The other night, big fat behavior. I drove back from New York. I was up working up there last week, and I drove back.

A guy drove me home, and it was like two hours home. I actually timed the door dash. I timed it. That's a power move. When I got home, I put my bag down, and within two minutes, the door dash arrived. That's impressive. That is impressive. I timed it the fuck out.

That is very, that's a big, we had one where we were at my apartment. It was me and my roommate, Big Zach, the biggest fucking fattest piece of shit around. Big, just a big, huge, disgusting. We love you, Zach. Bad guy. No, bad guy. He's really gotten bad lately. It's bad, man.

It's a problem. He's getting bigger and bigger. He's just fat. Oh, he's getting so big. It's like two of them. I can't even pick him up anymore. Yeah. You should call him Zach.

When he falls asleep on the couch, I can't even walk into his bed anymore. Matt can't tickle him anymore. He pees. He pees too much and poops. He makes couches horrendous. It's just a cesspool. It's a trough and he eats off of it. He's been sleeping in the tub. He's been sleeping in the tub so he can peep and poop. I'm surprised you guys

kept that going for that long. It was just for six people. But no. It was me and him and our other buddy. And we were at my buddy's apartment like a month prior. And that was the last time I had DoorDash. He lives in Maryland with his fiancé and his kid. And so we DoorDashed food. And it was like 2 in the morning. And we were annihilated.

So the stuff that we're ordering is like abhorrent. Like fucking gross. I love that word. Sorry, go on. Third time since I've been videoing that that word is mentioned. I think it's like the third time this month. Hey, guys. I'm telling a bad story.

Can I finish my bad story? Yes, please continue. Or I ordered the food, and his fiancee, it never came. We fell asleep before we got there. I wake up the next day, and I was like, shit, it's probably out in my lobby. And it wasn't out in the lobby. And so his fiancee texted him, and she was like, who is ordering's probably out in my lobby. And it wasn't out in the lobby. And so his fiance texted him, and she was like, who is ordering burgers with cucumbers and pepper on it?

And she was like, what is this? Why would you guys do this? Because it got delivered to his house in Maryland. Oh, I've done that before. Yeah. I pulled that move. And then we were like, you can have it if you want. And she was like, yeah, I think I'm going to pass on that.

Yeah. I've done that while traveling for work, ordered shit. And I'm like, where is this? Yeah, I know. Now going to pass on that. Yeah. I've done that while traveling for work. Ordered shit, and I'm like, where is this? Yeah, I know. Nowhere. Nine states away. Nine states. And then I'm eating hotel snacks.

HTSs? I'm crushing the strawberry shortcake eclair popsicles. They always have those in a Holiday Inn Express. Oh, dude, I'll eat the hell out of those every time. Yeah, but you've got to get like seven of them, and they're not cheap at the Holiday Inn Express. A lot of upcharge. They usually at least have like bags of pretzels.

You don't have to just eat ice cream. No, you have to eat ice cream. I do picture you now that you're not a drinker and you're a little guy. I picture you eating with two hands, very like balled up. No, I always get two beds. One's for eating, one's for sleeping. I do all my eating in one bed, all my sleeping in the other.

No, you made your bed. You gotta land it in terms of crumbs. Eating and beating, others for sleeping. Yeah, all my eating in one bed, all my sleeping in the other. No, you made your bed. You gotta lay in it in terms of crumbs. Eating and beating? No, this is for sleeping. Eating and beating? Yeah. Damn, going hard on a burrito and just whacking off. It's so fun to eat them. Have you ever eaten a burger laying completely down? Yeah. And you just do this? Oh, yeah. Dude, it's the greatest way. And you don't care

that it's going everywhere? Yep. Oh, I wake up with an onion dried to your collarbone? Let's go. And then you just get your jack off. And then you wake up in the morning and you're like, I mean, should I shower? Well, I was just going to say, you jack off after and you take the tinfoil

from the burger and wrap it around your dick and say it's a little robot. You pretend like your dick is a conspiracy theorist and it's got a tinfoil hat. That's right. Yeah,

you put a little tinfoil on it and you make it go, beep, beep, beep, You turn your dick into Sam Tripoli. Yeah,

I ain't Tripoli, but Sam Dickoli. And yeah, you just make them yell about the fact that the pyramids were made by fucking Mexican dudes or whatever. Sam Dickoli. Yeah. I ain't Tripoli, but Sam Dickley. And yeah, you just make them yell about the fact that the pyramids were made by fucking Mexican dudes or whatever. That'd be sick. Draw glasses on your dick and put a Dodgers hat on it. Yeah.

The girl's like, do you have a condom? And you're like, you're not going to like this. This is going to hurt. And then when it goes soft, just, you know,

Oh, okay. We've done an hour. We just crossed over a few minutes ago. Oh, boy. Oh, good. I actually have things to promote. Matt, what do you got coming up?

Oh, we have, I can't make it. I guess it's not an open invitation. November 18th, Jim Kelly's running a show, but I don't know if it's an open thing, but if it is, check out his page. I was supposed to be on it. I can't do it. The 24th, me and Johnny Boat, Float Your Boat, are going to be in Jersey.

It's Miss Sealy Blues doing our pals, our Jersey pals show. It's a good time. Just a comedy show. Just a comedy show, yeah. Yeah, I can't think of anything else for now, but yeah. Yeah, like Matt said, the 24th will be down there. Down there. The, excuse me, the, I do it on more stuff.

I swear to God. No, I don't know where it is on the six. I'll be doing feral comedy show. You just did that recently, right? Yep. Fun time in Maniunk right, right down here. We're in the same town. We filmed this in Maniunk on Main Street. Feral comedy show. Possibly we'll record an episode right before that. We'll kill two birds with one stone. I'll do a guest spot. All right. Kill two birds with one Jace to Roan. Uh, and then the next week on the 13th playtime comedy at, uh, Olea, Olea, Olea in Philadelphia. O L E A. Look it up. Uh, I'm doing that and then I'm doing something else in December, but look on Monte comedy, hacks,acks Comedy Golf. It might come back.

We're out of golf season now. I might be reigniting my love for golf, though. Soon. Stay tuned, listeners. Yeah. We got a sketch coming. Keep an eye on my Instagram page. We'll be posting that one up. Put it together. I think it's funny. It might suck. We'll see. More sketches, more fun stuff.

And the channel will be more regular, right, guys? We're going to be so regular. We're going to be regular. We're going to be like two old broads hanging on to their period, syncing up. Yeah, I can't wait. If I was a woman and I wasn't a fucking quitter like my mom is

in menopause right now, I'd keep my period until I die. Yeah. Yep. Period until I die. Period until I die. Gang, gang. A little gang. A little king.