That Rules Podcast - Episode 98/99: No-Count Dracula

Episode Date: December 13, 2023

Look if you are really counting the episode numbers then you know these have been wrong all along. So just go with it ya fools. Let’s have some dang fun.

You know, you got footage of aliens on earth. He dropped off my girlfriend's 37th package last week. You shouldn't be able to see that much of someone's throat. I mean, I believe he has a gizzard. That's a gizzard. God, I hope he didn't have one. That's a geezer with a gizzard. It's a geezer. It's a gizzard geezer. Episode title. What was that? You just

snapped the picture of him? For my fucking high tech grade complex I live in, they just have a machine that makes getting a hold of your package more difficult. For whatever reason to take it for whatever reason now when people drop stuff off they take a picture like themselves and what they delivered i door dashed the other day hung over and like some guys like hold hold and maybe hold the picture with i'm like fucking my beat red eyes and like a bloated face make you take a picture well they're usually there like they

usually just take the picture to say hey we dropped we dropped it off. It was fine. But I got there as he was dropping it off. Oh, right, right. So I grabbed it, and he goes, oh. Because, you know, he's English-American. Yeah. And he holds it up. Standard American guy. Yeah.

And I had to hold it up. Just like with a, just I looked like a fucking monster. And he's like, oh, God. Yeah, yeah. And he went, yeah. Fuck you, dude. Let me eat my Oreo McFlurry at 1130 AM. Oh, yeah. He wasn't even judging you. I love it. Well, eat my Oreo McFlurry at 11.30 a.m. Oh, yeah.

He wasn't even judging you. I love it. Well, you can't see inside of the bag. McDonald's tapes the shit. I don't know if you've DoorDash recently. They taped the crud out of those bags. No, I haven't DoorDashed McDonald's in a while. You got to go on.

And nice McDiesels, dude. I was never a big McDonald's fan. Wendy's was always my go-to. Wendy's is far better, but McDonald's is like what you feel like you deserve after a night of drinking. Yeah, you want to punish yourself a little bit more. Yeah, one day my hungover food was Honey Grow, and I was like, who the fuck do you think you are? Who do I think I am? What am I, a Rockefeller?

Slurping egg white noodles and spicy garlic. I don't deserve this. Ooh, the spicy garlic butter there, though, is incredible. Don't be yummy, dude. I have so many t-shirts ruined with that garlic sauce. Oh, my God. Because you've got to slurp. You're not going to not slurp your noodles?

No, dude. I eat like the fucking fat kid Matilda every time I eat those honey grow things. It's just so tripping down. I have a big, scary lesbian yelling at me. Yeah, that's how my life goes. That's just your girlfriend. Why was that the antagonist of so many kids' movies in the 90s? Like Home Alone 2, Matilda.

It's just like big, scary, potentially lesbian women. When was there a big, scary lesbian in Home Alone 2? The Bird Lady? Yeah, the Bird Lady. No, she's asexual. I don't think they really properly addressed it, so maybe we need to really talk to the record. True, we need to gender the Bird Lady. Yeah, they were just sending a letter.

That whole franchise makes me laugh now. I watched it the other day, and they get in a fight in the beginning of Home Alone 2. This mom just abandoned her son, and he was almost assaulted by two grown men, and then they get into another fight, and then she forgets him again, and we're supposed to still like the mom by the end of this? Yeah. I also love, what were they going to do if they caught him? Were they going to murder him?

I like to think they were going to R-A-P-E him. Yeah. I mean, I don't like to think that, but I'm a realist. They were going to take him on a rappé? They were going to take him on a rappé. They were going to use that van? They were going to make him the third wettest bandit. Yeah.

He was going to be the soaked bandit. But, yeah, I hate the mom in that movie. I did not feel good about her. But I did like seeing Big Macaulay Culkin as a Hollywood star of fame. Did you see that? Oh, did he? Yeah, I heard everyone was mocking his voice. Yeah, he kind of somehow has a higher voice than he did when he was like Kevin.

It's pretty unbelievable. That's the thing. He had a good kid voice, which is a weird sentence to say. He did. It wasn't like an annoying one. Kid was an incredible actor. You guys actually have similar-ish voices. I'm fully Culalked i'm actually one of the calkin brothers you have a similar voice to my wife the calkin family

yesterday and if you pull them up on like imdb they're all in order and uh it goes like macaulay calkin and then kieran calkin the one from uh succession yeah and then there's a third one like with long hair is younger yeah and then the fourth one they didn't have a picture of so it's just another picture of kieran Culkin again. So she was like, oh my God, Kieran Culkin looks exactly like the other one.

I was like, oh no, this is just pictures, two pictures of Kieran Culkin. They don't show a cauliflower Culkin. He doesn't make it up. There's a certain point

with the same face though. You get the idea. They truly all look exactly the same. Also, fuck you with the first names. Who was naming that family? Yeah,

it's crazy. McCauley? Yeah, you find out your last name is Culkin and you you're like, yeah, we're really going to... They're just like, yeah, you want to know how Irish we are? Our first names are last names. Yeah, it's unbelievable. This is our kid O'Malley.

Macaulay. Yeah, Macaulay just sounds racist. Look at these dumb Macaulays fucking running around. Now Macaulay, he isn't bothering anybody. He sounds like the racist guy, more than the racist. Oh, you think he's the one who accepts them? Yeah, Macaulay is the guy who's like, you're not welcome in our town. 10%. He's the whisperer. He's the one who gets them. He sounds like the racist guy more than the racist. Oh, you think he's the one who accepts them? Yeah, McCulley is the guy who's like, you're not welcome in our town. 10%.

He's the whisperer. He's the one who gets them. He knows them. Also, you can't have too many kids because then you just run out and like the sixth one is just Dave. True. But I would prefer to be Dave than all this other bullshit. Dave Culkin. Do you know what I can stand about parents that have like three and four kids when all their kids

have the same exact first letter oh yeah that's actually true that it's it's an annoying thing but i did find out that in like really jewish cultures that's a tradition but i know a lot of people that aren't jewish that do that and it's annoying and terrible especially there was a family that had like josh jared and justin it was just like get it. Yeah, that's too much. It was annoying. No, but you know what is good, though, is they can all share the same Jansport backpack

with the initials on the back. They can just hand it down. The JJJ. Yeah. So you think this is really just them being economical? If it is the Jewish people, yes. They were not. Oh, okay.

My parents were pretty close to fucking that up when they named all of us. Luckily, they ended up going just alphabetically in order. And biblical. If my sister was named like Catherine with a K, we would have been a tough family for a year or two. Because my dad's Kevin, my mom's Kelly, my sister could be Catherine. And it's like, ooh, careful there, folks.

Yeah, you guys could open a kitchen. Oh, yeah, true. You're just running old bits back there. No, I'm just trying to make a point. It is funny, though, because I think ours is the last generation where it's just like the biblical names are done now. Like everyone I know was a biblical name pretty much. All my friends growing up, John, Pat, Paul.

Was Patrick in the Bible? Yeah, that's Pat. Yeah, you don't remember seeing Pat? Yeah, do you remember Pat? He's like the fourth apostle. Yeah, Patty the Apostle. He was actually the 13th apostle. He was Jesus' mechanic.

He's like, yeah, I can't get my boat to run on the water. Paddy the Apostle. He somehow has season tickets to the Eagles, but never has had a job. And then he was the most real one, too. When they caught him after they got rid of Jesus, they were like, did you like him? I'm like, I fucking love him. Do something about it, pussy. I swear to God.

And then they started crucifying people upside down. Isn't that crazy? They crucified Jesus, and some of the apostles didn't think they were worthy of dying in the same way of Jesus. So they were like, crucify me upside down. And I can imagine they probably got flipped and like, ooh. Yeah, do you think the third one was like... Bad idea. Bad idea.

The third one was like, can you just do me slightly sideways? Yeah. Like, not necessarily all the way to the side. Just go flat on your back. Yeah. Hey, can you just stab me in the head? Yeah. I mean, that was the bros, though. You should be able to on your back. Hey, can you just stab me in the head? Yeah, I mean, honestly, that was for the bros.

That was the bros, though. You should be able to pick your execution. I agree. I would love to see serial killers pick their own execution. That'd be fucking incredible. I think you kind of can, right? Yeah, you just have, like, Jeffrey Dahmer just slowly eats himself. Oh, you mean, like, even passing the lethal in jail? And has sex with himself. He just gets to pick how he goes out. That would take a

while, though. Would he have to, like, just, like, pick? He's like, I want my leg for dinner. And then he just goes. No, I mean, you could finish yourself off in five meals. I could finish myself off in five minutes. So you're talking like a breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and then another breakfast, lunch. Yeah, it's going to be a heavy meal set for the day.

There's not going to be any picking. You can have leftovers. You're back in your cell, and you go in the fridge, and you're like, oh, toes. I forgot about these. Yeah, munching on some toes late night. Get back from the bar. You should be able to deep fry them.

Yeah, you pan fry them. I love doing that. No, those air fry. We're being healthy. True, true. I love putting hard work into recreating leftovers. Taking Chinese and a pan out and throwing noodles in a pan, I'm like, yeah, I'm pretty much recreating leftovers like taking chinese and a pan out and like throwing noodles in a pan i'm like yeah i'm pretty much recreating this meal when i could have just microwaved it

like yeah air fryer though that's big farm i don't know what the fuck's going on with that i don't know what happens i just saw when i shut that i go whatever you're gonna do you do it our our fan blade on ours is off so for the first like six rotations it sounds like a guillotine like slicing something apart we're like that's definitely just metal flakes going into our chicken nuggies, but we don't care at all. That should be an option when you put your dog down, do a guillotine. Guillotine a dog? Yeah.

If you love your dog, you should be able to pick maybe Firing Squad. Let him go with Honor. Yeah, let him make his own choice. We just recently saw. Just put a bunch of options out, like Air Bud, when he has to go to what he wants. Oh, yeah. That's Air Bud 5. Yeah. Put the same amount of treats in each location to pick.

You're going to go anyway. Air Bud's the end of Valkyrie where he gets shot to death by the Nazi regime. Air Bud's trip to Valhalla. You're just crying, stuffing snossages into the end of a gun. Yeah. He would have wanted it this way. I want a t-shirt gun. Just take it out that way.

Well, you mentioned the guillotine. You also just saw Napoleon recently opened with a guillotine scene right off the bat. That was tough. You forget how crazy that mode of death was. Because if you just see a guillotine,

you're like, eh, it's pretty crazy. But then when you see even a reenactment of it, it was... I cringed so hard. Yeah, I don't know You don't even see the cut

You see them lift their head up You see her You see her Her throat and gut It's a little yucky But starting off with her I said Ridley You might have coped here

You son of a bitch Ridley I out loud in that movie I was I went by myself In Kansas City In the afternoon And out loud to myself

And there was like An elderly couple To my right Yeah Said oh fuck Like seven times Throughout that movie Yeah there was like an elderly couple to my right yeah said oh fuck like seven times throughout that movie yeah there was a lot i liked it but i it would be like this is how i've best thought about it it would be like if you made a movie about michael jordan but it's two and a half hours long and like an hour and 45 minutes is about his gambling addiction

yeah it's like all right but and they're like yeah yeah, he won six titles, but he bet millions. Right. It's like, guys, can we talk about Napoleon fucking getting pussy on the road? Shit like that. Cool guy stuff. True. It was just him trying to get back to his sweet, sweet Josephine. Trying to get back to hometown pussy.

That was the most bro shit, too, because he was obsessed with her and he got mad that she cheated. And she was like, have you had other lovers? And he's like, yeah, of course, you fucking idiot. But you can't. He's like, I'm Napoleon. Yeah. I'm sorry. Did you shoot a cannonball at the pyramids?

No, I didn't think so, bitch. It's so tough to watch, like, because he was just in a huge movie, like The Joker. Yeah. Every time he laughed or any time he talked, it just sounds like The Joker to me now. Yeah. Yeah, he's, well, that's just Joaquin Phoenix now forever.

Like, even before The Joker, he was kind of slipping into that, like, nutbag mindset kind of thing. So it's tough, yeah was kind of slipping into that nutbag mindset kind of thing. So it's tough. It was great, though. I liked it. I thought it was pretty sick. I fell asleep once. You fell asleep? I was sleepy. I was sleepy. I'll tell you. I had flown. I was on a plane that day.

I don't like planes, man. You see, Kansas City just had that great barbecue, which puts me right out. Dude, I had Kansas City barbecue at a place that was Joe's Barbecue Shack. So it started in a gas station, and then it blew up, and it didn't actually blow up, the gas station. I thought you were talking about the deal that it started at the gas station, and then you switched locations.

No. Well, they originally started selling it out of a gas station, and then the barbecue started doing really well. So then it became a barbecue place, but then they kept the gas pumps and they're still there today. You can go get a two-piece meal, three types of sides, and then fill up and get antifreeze on the way out.

And it's kind of like the most Midwest thing you could possibly do. Yeah, true. Nothing washes down barbecue like some antifreeze. I just got to say, it's fantastic. On ice, chilled. That could be a cool way. Yeah, that's another execution.

Drink antifreeze. What happens? Ooh, like a slushy of it. What happens to your body? Do you become possibly stronger? There's so much of this stuff that everyone's like, There's only one way to find out. I think there's so much stuff that we don't know

because we can't reach that point of existence. We don't know. Maybe a lot of these chemicals isn't going to make any sense. A lot of these chemicals probably kill you. But what if they don't? We got to try everything. Eat a light bulb. See if that does anything. True. There's so many things

you can do. Probably make it hard to eat solid food for at least a month. Yeah, probably pooping out shahids. I would hate to poop out shahids, but I do what I have to do. Also, how do you know what's food and what's not? Why can't I eat that? Seriously. I mean, no one's saying you can't, Matt. You're able to try.

At some point, someone told you that aluminum is not food. Right. Actually, nobody ever said that. That is true. Nobody's ever even mentioned that. We were saying that on the way over. It's like there's never a clause in your work where you can't tell someone, you can't suggest to someone that they should eat a dick.

Yes. It's just thought. It's a general thing you don't do. It's an offering. You ask the question. You just can't make the suggestion. Right. Because you don't know how to take it. It could be a morale boost. He's like, thing you don't do. It's an offering. Ask the question. You just can't make the suggestion. Right. Because you don't know how it'll take.

It could be a morale boost. He's like, I haven't had a dick in months, actually. Have you ever considered, like, sucking a dick? I've actually been crazy dick recently. I do like putting phallic things in my mouth, banana popsicles, things like that. But, yeah, nobody ever told me. Everybody's like, oh, when you go to high school, you don't learn important stuff. You teach us how to do your taxes.

No. Can I eat aluminum? Do you remember back? Answer now. Yeah, math is all good and all, but I want to chomp on some aluminum. Hey, you old bitch. I want to chomp soda cans. Yes or no?

Your final thoughts. Yeah, what does Dewey Decimal say about eating carpet? I'm holding my dog with a gun to his head, and I'm like, can I kill this dog with a gun? Your thoughts? It is funny, though, because there are just things. Do you remember, like, what was the most surprising thing you were taught in school? Was there anything where you were just like, they're fucking. I think I thought it was going to be health class because I remember the rumors going into it.

They're like, dude, they're going to basically show you how to fuck in there. Yeah. And then you go in there like, here's deodorant. You guys all smell and you're 13 years old here. That's it. Deodorant was big. But I went to a Catholic school. So mine was I probably started rubbing my own body to completion in about third grade.

And then in fifth grade, they were like, I hope nobody's been masturbating because you will go to hell. So they actually did have the... So I don't think I ever had the religious talk of you're going to hell. It was always just like that story. They handed them out and they were like, all right, guys. They had pamphlets that said that any act of ejaculation that does not make the attempt to bring new life into God's kingdom is a sin. So if you're jerking your own body and just shoot it down,

mash it into your pubes, whatever you do. Matt's just keeping it in jars, and he's like, one day I'm going to give this to my wife. Matt, did you use cum as conditioner? Is that what you were just implying? Yeah. It's conditioner. You've never used conditioner?

That's why when I got into sports, they were like, we're doing conditioning today. And I was like, fuck. Oh, man, I already conditioned this morning. Can I have some Gatorade, please, Coach? I'll do it with Coach Rob. But, yeah, dude, they were legit ones that were like, it's a sin. Meanwhile, those nuns were just going back and just blasting off.

You know they were just rubbing away. Well, no, weirdly enough, it was my gym teacher who was a lesbian. And I was like, I think your hands aren't necessarily clean here, sister. But, you know, it was just the dumb stuff they would teach us. She wasn't a nun, though. No, I didn't have any nuns. No nuns? I refused.

None nuns. I said none nuns. And that's how I say goodnight to them, too. Even in elementary school, no nuns? No nuns. None nuns. That was big pharma, too. They said there was nuns in every school.

Not that many nuns, especially when I went. I had two great aunts that were nuns, and they were raging alcoholics. It was so fucking awesome. Alcoholism is a big problem in clergy in general. Yeah, they were nuns and they were raging alcoholics. It was so fucking awesome. Alcoholism is like a big problem in clergy in general. Yeah, they were nuns and super Irish. They were doomed from the jump. There were two priests that were at my parish in Trenton

and two of them out of the five I knew there had alcoholism. At least that's what I had been told. Yeah, what else are you going to do? That's a heavy ratio for a profession. That's a lot of time in your week to fill. You do two church services on Sunday. You do a baptism once. There's a lot of downtime for priests.

You sit around and not jerk off. Yeah. What do you do? You think they should put them on PIPs, the priests? Yes. Just let me know exactly what you're doing. Priest performance plans? Yeah.

Just by day by day, what you do. It's a lot of prayer, and it's like, I don't know. I can feel a lot of prayer coming at you how much prayer did you actually do today? well I would have done more prayer but I had to travel to Austria I slept in yeah that's crazy no we didn't have anything I remember one time I was alone with a priest

and we had to like help move these like the statues that they were bringing to the church from the convent and I you know you started to hear the rumors like damn these guys think that i'm pretty hot like i'm just starting to see in the news more and more that these guys think i'm a sexy type of guy you're making sure you're wearing your tightest don't yeah i think that day unfortunately i think it was the first time i felt desired like i was in

their uniform too right school uniform i was wearing a sweater vest tie short sleeve button down i must have looked fucking like right for the picking, dude. The funny thing too is the priest probably helped pick out the uniform. Yeah. The one guy was like, can we put them in sweaters? Yeah. He's like, good idea, Eric. Can you imagine the fashion show that probably needed to happen for the priest from the uniform companies? Yeah.

They're like, hey, by the way, we need that catalog back. He's like, what catalog? I lost that. Yeah. It's not in my quarters. The priest is like, skirts all eight inches long. I'm like, I guess the girl's going to wear eight-inch skirts. He's like, yeah, the girls.

The girls. The skirts. The skirts. No problem. Eight inches? Yeah, no problem. Of course. Of course.

And they can't use their penis as a belt, I presume. No, Father John, I don't think they can. Who's becoming priest today, man? I don't know. I saw one today at a viewing, and I was like, what are you doing? How old? Probably in his 50s. So he was one of the-

Yeah. I don't know the last time I saw a young priest. Dude, it's good when you meet... There was a dude I went to high school with that was two years older than me that ended up becoming a priest and going back to my parents' church. I went back one year and this was a dude that was

two years ahead of me in school. Just total, what you'd imagine, kind of nerdy, right? Yeah. And this dude, yeah, he just came back and started preaching sermons on different things and brought up marriage. And I'm like, from the third hero, Virgil. Oh, yeah. It's like that's when that perspective shifts.

You're like, what's an old man? And it's wise. You're like, oh, man, he's been through it. When it's a guy younger than you or around your age, it's like when you run into a cop that age, you're like, what the fuck are you doing? Dude, did you get married in a Catholic church? Nope. So you know of Pre-Cana, right?

Oh, I'm aware of what Pre-Cana is. Do you know what Pre-Cana is? So if you want to get married in a Catholic church, I didn't have to do it because we got married at a golf course because we're fucking awesome. We got married at a golf course by our lesbian best friend. It was the best thing ever. It pissed off so many of my friends' religious moms. They were like, well, which church do you have in at? We're like, actually, Scotland Run

Links right down there south of us. And they're like, well, a father's going to be there, right? And I was like, actually, athletic lesbian. Shout out, Lauren. You're pretty cool. I did it. One of my best friends did my service. He got ordained online and did it. Oh, but that's what I'm saying. But pre-Canaan,

you have to go to these fucking courses, and you have to sit there. And it's like seven weeks of courses. You have to go to the church. On the weekends, on Saturdays. Yeah, it's you, and they'll sometimes provide beer because they're like, we're cool. But it's a priest telling you about how to have a good marriage.

And you're like, you've never had sex. It's not just that. I know because my parents actually volunteered and helped run those at my school. Really? My parents both gave talks. Oh, shit. Because it was different members of the parish.

They were like, don't fucking do it. No, dude, not. It's like, there was something. When I was a kid, I remember them doing that. It's a major thing. And if you have to go through it, it's just not fun. Yeah, it doesn't seem like it'd be fun. I had two different dudes I know who had to go through that, and it's miserable.

I was so glad that we never even, for a second, were like, we got to do this in a church. go through it. It's just not fun. I had two different dudes I know who had to go through that and it's miserable. I was so glad that we never even for a second were like, we gotta do this in a church. We're like, yo, golf course, it's gonna be sick. I get one free round out of this. Let's go. I would just get too horny. If I'm talking to a couple about how to have a nice hot marriage, I'm gonna start

rubbing my thigh under the table. Pre-cana sounds like the excuse the priest gave as to why you can't fuck. He's like, actually, I pre-cana'd. I pre-cana'd. Sorry. You were getting me

so the spirit was so all up in me. I just pre-cana'd all in my slacks. Priests love slacks. We should do it just for fun and report on the experience.

We should. I would love to. You and I should do a gay pre-cana. Pre-cana? Pre-cana. We should do a pre-cana. We're like, look,

we're just two God-fearing Catholic boys that happen to find love. What are you going to do about it? Are you going to pre-cana. Pre-cana? Pre-cana. We should do a pre-cana. We're like, look, we're just two God-fearing Catholic boys that happened to find love. What are you going to do about it? Are you going to pre-cana all over us or what?

We're going to coach other people too. That's going to be nuts. Dude, we should go and just win pre-cana. I imagine it's like the newlywed game, but it's like

a Jesus twist on it, right? I'm telling you, I think it's going to be a very horny experience. They're like, name Matt's three favorite places to get alcohol poisoning imagine how many couples that are in that Matt speaking to the horny is that just have not had sex I'm saying I'm like you guys are gonna want to fuck

so bad but you can that's gotta suck so bad let's go and make noises dude losing your Virginia on your wedding night has to suck. Because it'd be so bad. Just go and make noises. Dude, losing your virginity on your wedding night has to suck. There's nothing like disappointing the woman you're about to spend the rest of your life with. Yeah, it's something like bleeding all over hotel sheets. Right? Yeah, but then you're like bleeding all over hotel sheets.

And then who knows what she does? I really don't know what I'm doing. It's a dramatic experience, man. That can't be fun. No. I don't't know what I'm doing. It's a dramatic experience, man. That can't be fun. No. I don't even know. Yeah, that'd be... I mean, all the emotions you're feeling just from the wedding, and then it's like, yo,

I get to finally do it. You're just there the whole time, and your friends are like, we're going to actually do the chicken dance. You're like, yeah, dude, do the fucking fast one. We got to wrap this shit up. Every virgin wedding probably is like 45 minutes long. He's like, okay, great, nice to meet you. Honestly, and then what is a

woman saving herself for marriage? It's like you're waiting all this time for maybe 34 seconds. That's what I'm saying. It's like it's not, and even like it's well into a relationship where you're having great sex. I feel like you learn each other. Should be at least. Yeah, I mean if

the Lord has anything to say about it. Yeah, once you start to not like him anymore, you're like, I'll throw this around. I'm going to try each other and everything. Should be at least. Yeah. I mean, if the Lord has anything to say about it. Yeah. Once you start to not like him anymore, you're like, I'll throw this around. I'm going to try some new stuff now. But I'm going to suplex you. Let's roll the dice. Tonight, I'm the girl. Tonight, I'm the girl.

Just riding on top. Imagine you say that on your wedding night. You're about to lose your virginity. You're like, hun. Yeah. What if I was the girl? Oh, yeah. I told you. I used to spitball what I think the funniest thing you could say before I was the girl? Oh, yeah. I told you.

I used to spitball what I think the funniest thing you could say before you kiss a girl for the first time. And the one that I landed on was, I'm the boy and you're the girl. And they just go to kiss them. Because they're going to be confused, but you're kissing them. And if you pull away and go, oh, I'm the girl now. Afterwards. Are you here with an oh, no right before?

Oh, no. What's what? I want to sneeze no I want to sneeze I want to sneeze into my wife's mouth Is that a fetish? That's just a new thing I want to try You're going to finish his eye? Sorry it's cold season babe

Do you even care that it's cold season? Can it not all be about you for once? It got everywhere There's nothing Better than having cold sex. Just both you breathing through the mouth because your nose is... You got to throw yogurt on her.

I don't know. Make her think it's cum. At least cottage cheese. Did we have to use Robitussin for lube? That was weird. That seemed over the top. No, no. You ever have those guys in college?

I had friends in college that would soak blunts in NyQuil. No, my friends in high school would robo-trip. They would just chug NyQuil in high school. That was, it started on our class trip in Disney, because they couldn't get, and meanwhile, if they were drinking, they were having, like, two beers and maybe

smoking a little bit of weed, but they couldn't get anything, so a bunch of my friends just bought NyQuil and chugged it in the Disney All-Star Sports Experience Hotel and just were like fishing out on the bed and shit. I feel like that's the last thing you want to do at Disney. If anything, you want to be awake at Disney. Yeah, dude, they would robo-trip. We would go hang out and we'd steal beer from somebody and have a 30-pack and two guys would

be like, actually, I'm good. I'm all set right here. And we'd just have Robitussin. Yeah. And we'd just fucking chug it. My buddy, you met him the other day, Andrew, overdosed on cigars. We just all found out that was like the number one thing we were smoking inside of.

We went to Universal for a day and they had a cigar shop and you just had to be 18 and some of them were 18. So he had like two cigars. First time he ever smoked. And then he was just, you know, he was all fucked up. He was laying on a public park bench, and teachers would come up to him. He's like, get the fuck away from me.

You're not my teacher down here. And they're like, what does that even mean? But he would just lay there, and we just bought my buddy. How much do you have to smoke? How does this happen? He had two thin cigars, but he'd never smoked a cigar before, but he was trying to big dog everybody. I'll say it. I've met him. He's a good dude, but

I could 100% see him doing this. He's a fucking insane person. And this is just from talking to him for 20 minutes. Yes. Decade later. Yeah. Our buddy went over and bought him more cigars. He was like, I think if he has more, it'll fix it. It's a hair of the dog situation. My buddy Adam, that's been his theory on anything

that ails you. He's like, you got to have more. You got to get more COVID. Literally. You got vaccinated, you're not going to get enough COVID. Oh, how funny. Dude, when's the last time you guys have been to Disney? I was going to say, when's the last time you had COVID? I think I might have it now.

I went to Disney within the last three years because we brought my daughter there. She was definitely too young To like enjoy any of it But it was like It was one big photo op Was basically it Yeah I was there while you were there It was pretty awesome to go with

Like she was walking around At that point So like Just her like seeing Like shapes and colors She was like oh cool Like now she'll She would lose her fucking mind

Yeah She loves all of it She was only big enough To go on one ride And like the whole night We're like alright This is going to be great She was great the whole night we're like Alright this is going to be great She was great the whole day

We're going to get a beautiful photo op At the castle at the end of the night With the fireworks First firework goes off and she's out cold Slept through arguably the greatest firework show On earth Known to man And they do it nightly and I'm like

Isn't this cute They're taking pictures of her sleeping And I'm like wake the fuck up We paid good money for, they're taking pictures of me, and I'm like, wake the fuck up. We paid good money for this fireworks show. You should bring her again. Give her an edible. Yeah, true. Dude, that's what I was, the last time I went to Disney was probably 2015,

and I went with a couple people I knew that were working there. And so they got me to the park. We all took edibles and went to Epcot, and it was amazing. Epcot is the move. See, Epcot's where you should go. Going to Epcot as an adult without kids with you is the right move. It's fucking Disney adults that go to the Magic Kingdom that weird me the fuck out.

Yeah, and they get on the fucking, it's a small world, and they get butt naked, and they walk around it. Dude, that was pretty excellent, actually. That guy, I was like, everybody's looking at that guy like, what a psycho, and I was like, ah, to be free. I mean, I was so envious of that dude. That probably did feel, that was probably the best 10 minutes ever. And it was definitely a little chilly.

So it was weenie. It was definitely cold as hell. And just being like naked. And he was an in-shape guy. He looked good. He looked like a handsome kid. You don't realize how good outside air feels on your naked body until you have a moment where, even like just shirt off in the backyard mowing the lawn, first for the year you're like oh yeah daddy feels free the sun rays kissing my pale orange body cancer

oh melanoma but dude i couldn't even imagine i've never had my butthole out in like a public setting yeah that there has to be if you lean in literally there has to be like that's the best feeling i think it's a thing that people do they so theybathe their assholes. I truly think that's a thing. Dude, out of Miami, people didn't give a fuck. I was walking along the beach there. Everyone was naked. Just red cheek, everything. Mummies and puppies. Just big old old lady boobs with just sunspots

all over them. Couldn't tell what was the nipple and what was like a mole. That's why you gotta dress up like the Chihuahua from the Taco Bell commercials in the early 2000s. Go around and bark. Dude. Offer to pull out wed. Go around and bark. Dude. Offer to pull out wedgies. The Jokero Taco Bell dog? Just high-pitched bark. Not even a low one.

Just like. Not even in Spanish? And then try to do push-ups in front of them. Press them. You can only do eight. I've been getting back into push-ups. Those things are hard. What the fuck?

That was the most 38-year-old thing you've ever said. My friend threw. I'm 37 and a half. When did you turn 38? In May. My friend threw down I'm 37 and a half. When did you turn 38? In May. My friend threw down a challenge in a group chat, like big dogging us, and he was like,

just hit 140 on the day, and I was like, I got this. That's more 37 than just doing push-ups. I did get to 160, and I couldn't fucking move my arms for two days. Dude, at least, man. Yeah, it was way too hard.

I banged him out in 20s. Okay. Solid push-ups, too. I'm all about fundamentals. You're a form guy. I know. I like a chest to deck. Yeah.

Lock out at the top. Well, you're not supposed to lock out at the top. Not a total lockout. Oh, look at this, guys. Not total lockout. We have more at 11. Thanks for watching. Well, how are you going to judge if you don't lock out?

This is all CrossFit rules. Well, CrossFit's bologna and cheese. You got suckered into that cult, dude. Wait, did you do CrossFit? I did. I was a CrossFit nerd for a while. CrossFits are kind of like the Mormons of the fitness community because they're the only people that actively try to recruit you.

Yeah, I mean, it's a... No one tried. I don't think I ever recruited a single person. No one deadlifting at LA Fitness is like, yo, you should really try this. Yeah, they actually are quite the opposite. They're just mean to you. I mean, a lot of the big power lifters scare the hoot and holler and hell out of me.

They're usually the nicest people if you actually talk to them. Well, they used to, like, when I was really, really into fitness, they would judge you for being the bodybuilder guys because they were like, you guys can't do shit, this and that. And I'm like, yeah, but you have a gut. It's so fun to watch power lifters and bodybuilders argue over a thing that just doesn't matter. That's exactly what it was. You're like, all right, you guys are both getting after it.

Mind you, it was in college. I was 19 arguing with another 19-year-old. And I was like, you don't get it. Both of our dads pay for our tuition. We have no opinion to offer. It is always fun, too, when a fat guy becomes a powerlifter. Yes. And then like three months in, he's

just like preaching to you. You're like, you're still just a fat guy. You're still just a strong... You just were already strong from carrying around a bunch of fat. You actually have gotten fatter because you thought you were bulking. Hate to break it to you, brother. White Castle does not count as bulking. White Castle

or KFC, a.k.a. Black Castle. It's always funny, too, when any of those famous bodybuilders die and everyone's like, can you fucking believe he died? I'm like, he made it to 40? That's incredible. It's literally, and all the supplements people are taking and just your kidneys getting manhandled by it. You're not supposed to have your body weight in protein. Your kidneys are like, yo, enough.

And you're like, uh-uh. Just the beating you put on your heart. Yeah, the amount of protein you need to like, according to what the rules say you're supposed to do, that's an insane amount of protein. That's 0.6 to 1.2 your body weight. That's the shit that I was never good with. I would always go buy.

I would just go to like GNC, buy shit, and I'd be like, yeah, that looks about right. I have no clue if it was too much, too little. I did it for a little bit. You're talking like four shakes a day. Obviously, I didn't get too far, but four shakes a day. I got four shakes in. For about three years, I was like

it would be a bad day if I was a couple grams off. My protein carbs are fat. I was a psycho the fuck path. It was the worst time period. I felt awful all the time. Shitty. Everything was bad about it. But then you get to look at the mirror and you're like,

but abs. I can't stand up right now, but look at these abs. Literally for the girlfriend I had at the time who was like, I hate that you're like this. None of this is worth it. And I was like, shut up, you lazy. Dude, that was the worst feeling though was deadlifting or doing something.

And then the next morning, almost not being able to get off of the toilet. That was brutal. What, your butt was too sore and weak? Yeah, just from like your hip to your knee to your ankle. Like everything was just too sore. And you were just locked in. Head, shoulders, knees, and toes. You were getting bombed in the butt, perhaps.

Bro. Yeah. Yeah. But my trainer said it would help me in my PRs. That's why you got to just... I quit when I overhead snatched my body weight at 200 pounds. That's pretty good. So that was kind of like I wanted to get to that point.

Yeah. I did it, and I remember being like, I'm quitting this. Yeah. Probably pretty soon. Yeah. I didn't feel any different from doing this. Yeah. It was the only thing I thought of for months.

Turns out achieving things doesn't mean shit. Oh, so we are. The sun's still going to explode. That's a funny way to take any achievement and be like, so the sun is going to explode. Everyone's like, oh man, you had a great set last night. You're like, yeah, but we're all going to die one day. Yeah, we are all going to die.

You did have a Johnny Boy at a nice set on the Brennan Donaghan's re-up. That was a fun one. Oh yeah, that was the re-up show. It was a good Boy. I had a nice set on the Brennan Donaghan's re-up. That was a fun one. Oh, yeah. How was the re-up show? It was a good one. A lot of fun. It was a solid lineup, sellout crowd. I had friends in the audience, which was nice, too. Surprise friends.

People I went to high school with showed up. Friends he talked shit on to them in the audience. I said, John, what the crap are you doing, man? These people are paying customers. No, no. It was one of my jokes that I've told now for fucking ever involves a story that one of those people was in. And it hit me in the moment. I was like, oh, shit.

The person that was involved in this story is here tonight. Yeah. But their involvement was I got shit-faced and I drunk-dialed her 11 times when we all first got cell phones freshman year of high school. Yeah. There's voicemails out. They still have to be out there in the universe somewhere. I'm just like, listen, homeroom is the most important day of the year.

You're in the homeroom that I'm in, so we should probably get married. We need to find those. We need to get out there. That night, I got caught drinking by a cop. He came home on his dinner break, and I was across the street from his house throwing up.

Imagine being that cop. You're just like, all right, well, here's the 45 minutes of my night where I'm not worried I'm going to get shot and killed. Let me go home and enjoy a nice meal my wife made me. Pulls up to his house, and a fucking freshman in high school, so what are you, 13? Yeah. Is throwing up across the street from his house

while all of his friends are going, shit, shit, John, John, the cops are here. I'm just, woof, gin and Mountain Dew fucking over and over again. He took me in. To where? He booked me. Took me into the station. Underage drinking?

Yeah, underage drinking. What the fuck? It's highly illegal, Matthew. Yeah, but I mean, just let it slide. He's off duty, dude. He wasn't even off duty. He was just doing his lunch, brought his dinner break.

Damn, what if his wife had a shitty dinner, too? Dude, he brought me in. And luckily, one of my baseball coaches was like a detective in the town. So, like, I was in the clear. I knew I'd be in the clear. I was obliterated. But the fucking lady that ran the D.A.R.E. program was in the station that night. And she was super militant.

She was like, he's going to juvie tonight. This is unacceptable. And they were like, he's a fucking zombie right now. If we toss him in jail, they're going to beat the shit out of him. He's going to throw up on everybody. So they basically waited until the detective came in. They fucked with me and recorded me on a cassette tape talking. So they handcuffed me to a bench to fuck with me,

put a trash can in front of me, and then fed me cake to fill my stomach. And I just kept puking up cake. And then they're just me to a bench to fuck with me put a trash can in front of me and then fed me cake to fill my stomach and i just kept puking up cake and then they're just talking to me and the tapes existed that i think we talked about on here before i think we had to have i don't think so we never found them my dad had them and he my mom swears he threw them out but i'm like no my dad understood how awesome this was so they exist somewhere but i remember one of the things he was like he's like you ever think you're gonna drink again it was my like my dad got to the station to pick me up and he said that uh the the detective who was my baseball coach caught him in the hallway and he's like hey take it easy on him like he really has thrown up a lot tonight like he's really going

through it don't rough him up like my dad didn't hit me but like he would have shoved me into the car and been like fucking idiot like a smack to the back of the head something like that which i deserve rightfully so so he goes in and like they just started talking to me and i remember because he made me listen to the tapes back the next morning yeah and i'm like i'm sitting there throwing up like they're like so you think you're ever gonna drink again i'm like i swear god i'll never drink again in my life and And my dad's like, well, what about family parties? Some of your cousins, they're not 21 yet, but they'll have a beer there. And I'm like, only if you say I can do it, Dad, then I'm going to want to drink.

So he just berated me with all these questions. They're laughing about it. He made me listen to it the next morning. The kicker was when we got home, I got in my bed. I had my fucking little league uh district 15 champions varsity jacket yeah the leather sleeves a leatherman jacket puke all over it they slapped a police badge sticker for the kids on it on my way out incredible wow these guys are the incredible trolls oh dude incredible move then so i had that jacket i threw it on my

bedroom floor my dad came up and he's like're going to fucking talk about this in the morning. He picks the jacket up, reaches in the pocket, and just pulls a tin of dip out. I had a tin of skull in my pocket. And that's what they were most mad about. You're a bad little boy. Oh, I was a little troublemaker. You're a bad guy. Dude, I'm just walking around town full of gin and straight-cut skull,

throwing up on everyone's yard. We were drinking airplane bottles at the lake in my town. It was interesting. We were chugging airplane bottles of gin, throwing them on a frozen pond, and then chugging Mountain Dew as a chaser. What a beautiful life, dude. Being a kid was so much fun. It was so good.

Underage drinking fucking ruled. Did you get into it? You didn't get into it. I mean, I drank under 21. Yeah. I'm now. underage drinking fucking rule. Did you get into it? You didn't get into it. I mean, I drank under 21. Yeah. Yeah. I'm now. Oh, my bad.

Yeah, your cable is a little messed up. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Were you ever, so, wait, are we still rolling? Yeah, we're still rolling. Okay. Were you, so you never even hit the, the, the motor, sorry, the, the phrase, I can't talk, the phase of stealing booze from your parents? No, I asked one time when I started drinking. I didn't understand all the bylaws of drinking underage.

So I remember my parents... Wait, let's go through the bylaws of drinking underage. What are they? No fat chicks. Yeah. No, so I told my parents, I told them if I ever start drinking, I'll tell you. And they're like, oh yeah, just tell us if they ever decide you want to do it.

He was such a good son. So, yeah, I remember I had just broken up with my girlfriend. And I was like, well, if I'm going to go to parties, I can't be a sober guy trying to kiss girls. I literally started drinking because I was like, well, I want to be some sober freak. You guilt-tripped your parents into it? Well, no, no. Otherwise, I'm also going to cry at these parties because she dumped me. Yeah, well, I kind of did for the most part.

I get to parties, I'm like, you're not her. And they're like, didn't she cheat on you? And I'm like, to cry at these parties because she dunked me. Yeah. Well, I kind of did for the most part. I get to parties, I'm like, you're not her. And they're like, didn't she cheat on you? And I'm like, well, yeah. That's a good one. You're a guy, aren't you? But I was at my buddy Jeff's house, and I was like, I think I'm going to drink tonight. I told my parents that, and they're like, all right, just be safe. Make sure you don't leave.

Don't drink too much. Yeah, they were just like, you're going to do it. Yeah. And I'd waited so long. And I was honest with them. I'd never drank until I was a sophomore in college. So I told them that night. And then I remember during sophomore year, I was like, we're out of alcohol.

I'll just go to my parents' house and get it from them. Because I didn't realize that was like a, you know. So I called my parents. And I was like, hey, I just finished class on a Friday. I'm going to swing by the house and just take like that captain. That was while you were in college. Yeah. OK. And I was like, I'm going to swing by the house and just take that captain. That was while you were in college. Yeah. Okay.

And I was like, I'm going to swing by the house. Just grab the captain that's down there. And my mom was like, of course, no, you're not. And I was like, oh, let's put it on a water bottle. She's like, no, you can't take it with you. It's a crime. You were going to drink it with your friends tonight or anything else I could take? Yeah.

I was like, you're such a mean jerk. But in retrospect, I remember just thinking like, what is this bitch's issue? Did they have a stocked bar in the house? There was just like, there was bottles of alcohol because neither of my parents really drank much. Oh, yeah. So there's always just, like, a stash of. Yeah. It was just the same thing.

There's, like, with, like, logos from, like, 2001. It's a gold mine. Yeah. Which was the worst thing that happened. That's just aged alcohol. It's good. It gets better with age. It was just barrel-aged rum.

It was glass-aged rum. We had a, my dad's friend built a bar in our basement, and it looked awesome. It was, like, all set up. My parents would host, like, a lot of parties. They'd have their friends over all the time. They would do, like, game nights or just come over, get fucked up nights, New Year's. And so they had, like, a stock bar, but same thing. My parents, outside of that, didn't really drink.

Like, they weren't, like, weeknights, they weren't drinking. Weekends, they weren't really having drinks. So there was always bottles in there. And my sister got to them before I did. So when I got to them, it was watered down. Jack Daniels watered down vodka and stuff. So we're chugging it in the woods. We're like, I don't feel anything.

Yeah, you got to rat it out. My sister was like, what did you do tonight? And I was like, wow, so you reek a little bit like vodka? Yeah, you just look really hydrated. And she was like, wait, did you reek a little bit like vodka? Yeah. You just look really hydrated. And she was like, wait, did you take it from the ones downstairs? She's like, that's all water. Yeah. Oh, I'd rat her out right there.

Her skin looks incredible. I'd be like, mom, dad, not only is she a thief. I was trying to break the rules. Not only is she a thief, she's a lawyer. I remember taking the one night we took a Pepsi bottle and we poured root beer schnapps, Jack Daniels, creme de menthe, and something else in there. We had no clue what any of them were.

We were like, they're alcohol. Yeah. They'll get us drunk. And we just walked to our friend's house and just passed the bottle back and forth walking. Yeah. And just were gone by the time we got there, just swigging the most disgusting mix of basically everything that has just a little bit of alcohol.

Like creme de menthe. Not a lot of alcohol. Also a funny name. Yeah. Yeah. But when you toss it in there with like a little bit of Jack Daniels also. Yeah. Cut to my friend got hammered and just started snapping antennas off of cars in the neighborhood.

I like that. Yeah. I remind him of all the time. Like you were a real bad guy that night. He's like, yeah, I still think about that. You guys should have fenced with them. At least use them for good. Yeah. No remind him of it all the time. Like, you were a real bad guy that night. He's like, yeah, I still think about that. You guys should have fenced with him. At least use him for good. Yeah.

No, he was snapping and just laughing. Put your fucking boy on guard when you're blacked out. Do you guys think you're going to be, like, vigilant about your kids stealing your alcohol when you're older? Or when they're older, rather? I don't touch the stuff, so there's not going to be any in my home. No. I don't think.

I would just. I'll just do it from a panic perspective. Like, dude, if you. If I have to go to the hospital tonight, I'll fucking just let you die. Well, I'm curious how it's going panic perspective Like dude if I have to go to the hospital Tonight I'll fucking just let you die Well I'm curious how it's going to play out I know that's the talk you have with them I'm just going to be straight out with them

I'm going to be like Donovan Jr You need to know if you ever black out I'm going to let you die And your mother's going to go we have to go to the hospital And I'm going to go we have to let Donnie figure this out Donald Trump You get to the hospital and you're like I'm not even We got to let Donnie figure this out. Donald Trump is who I'm... You get to the hospital and you're like, I'm not even sure he's mine. Can we

also do a blood test? Can we just do DNA while we're here? Just throw it on the bill. It's funny. They'd be like, I'm not sure he's mine. I'd be like, I never got my wife pregnant. I know for a fact it's not mine. I don't know. That was funny in my head. Guys, it's been a long day. It's been a long fight. What were you just talking about before?

The parents disciplining. I wouldn't do the old school ones. The old school ones are I was thinking about this the other day. Old school punishments from parents were excessively kinky. Like spanking? Spanking, hitting with a spoon, putting soap in your mouth.

In retrospect, I should have been way... You shoving a lot of soap in people's mouths in your sex life? My parents are like, go to your sex life? I'm just saying. My parents are like, go to your room, put the ball gagging. I don't want to hear another word from you. Like, getting spanked. I should have just started moaning.

Well, mom. Yeah. I should have just started, put the soap in my mouth. Let's hope kids don't figure that out. Dude, that would fuck your parents' brain up. If you moaned on the first one, they would never spank you again. Never again, dude. Kids watching this, if your parents are hitting you, start moaning.

Start moaning. Start saying, thank you, may I have another. Also, stop watching this. You're parents are hitting you, start moaning. Start moaning. Start saying, thank you, may I have another. Also, stop watching this. You're way too young to watch this. True. This is specifically not made for kids. Yeah, true.

Well, you could all, I mean, you already say daddy during sex. This is your actual father. Let him know. Thank you, daddy. May I have another. Just say yes, daddy.

That's what I'm saying. Also, on the flip side, if you just rip a fart right before they spank you, your parents have got to laugh at that. No, I think they would hit me harder. You just rip it. They're trying to spank you back into you. Stinking ass bitch. Imagine if your dad connected with your ass as you

farted and it just accelerated the fart. The supersonic shock that came out of that. That again is Oppenheimer. That is what they did. It was a dad connected with his son's ass mid-tune. It was a beautiful connected with his son's ass mid-tune. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. It was a beautiful sequence of events. But yeah, seriously, dude. Too kinky of punishments, and

parents gotta fix that. My dad wearing all leather is just spanking me for being late. Let the candle burn. The wax has gotta hurt, Matthew. Matthew, yeah, you have a bad sports game. Your dad drips candle wax on your nipples. He's got a full dominatrix suit on.

He's in the car and he's like, you call that a fucking chest pass? Put the clamps on, Matt. You're just the backer. I'm so sorry. And he's still wearing the all leather, so it's like, the scrunch of leather.

To answer your question, I don't think kids really drink nowadays. I know I have a friend who has a stepson who's now in college. I remember when he was in high school, I'm like, so are you worried about him boozing and stuff? And he's like, dude, it's weird. He's like, for the most part, kids aren't out partying anymore. It's like they want to stay home. They just want to be.

And I know I sound like a fucking old geezer. I want to spend my time on my computer. Dudes just want to play video games and girls just want to be on social media. There's still parties. I think, to answer your question, I think by the time our kids are older,

it's going to be full swing and they're going to be fucking raging. They're going to get back to what we were doing. Yeah, it's like ebbing and flowing. Well, I was. No, you were a fucking loser. True. I was so cool. Yeah, okay.

Any other jerk things you want to get out of your system? No. No, I think you're right because it was like, I think that's how it goes every some odd decade. It's like 90s kids and shit. It's like bell bottoms. They went out. They came back.

Yeah. Then they came back again. They went out. My kids are going to be like just drunk. Kids are wearing JNCOs these days. Wait, seriously? Yeah, JNCOs are like back in. The big drunk. Kids are wearing JNCOs these days. Wait, seriously? Yeah. JNCOs are back in. The big ass jeans. Big old JNCOs. They exist

again. Wow. A lot of stuff. The 90s stuff is cool now. Biscuit's going to become unironically cool again. Dude, I was just talking about that. I finally come to terms with admitting to myself I loved Limp Bizkit. Then I was ashamed of it for the longest time. Now I've just come to terms and it. I was like, nah,

fuck it. But now I see it's like everything in the night. They're back. They're playing shows again. Why are you having such a hard time liking Limp Bizkit? Limp Bizkit was weird. Limp Bizkit, you loved them. And then once I got more into the music scene, it was like it was looked down upon to like a band like

Limp Bizkit. But you had underground, hardcore shit. But then in the background, I'm still like, I'm stillimp Bizkit. Okay. But like you had to like underground, like hardcore shit, but then in the background, I'm still like, I'm still going to fucking break stuff, dude. Oh, the contrarian kind of thing? You can't stop me from chasing Nookie. Oh, yeah. The music scene, like the scene kids.

Oh, dude, scene kids were the... Because scene kids before it was like the swooped over bang scene kids of your generation. Yeah. A scene kid was like, went to local shows, only listened to bands that that were mostly on vinyl. You can't listen to anything on the radio. I'm like, but some Foo Fighters songs are really fucking good.

That's what it is. I think when you get older, it just circles right back where you're like, all right, now this is popular. I like it because I'm a little kid, and it's easy to please me. And then you get to like, well, I'm cool. I actually like stuff people don't know about. And then I think once you hit 25, 26, you're like, millions of people like this for a reason. I'm just one of the millions.

Yep. Once you sacrifice your own individuality and all your dreams go away, you can start to like pop music again. That was, I realized in my late 20s how incredible Hall & Oates was. And for the longest time,

I listened to it. Hall & Oates is the shit. Well, I listened to it my whole childhood and my teen years, but again, because of like, I had to be fucking Johnny Punk rock when I was like 17.

I was like, I don't listen to Hall & Oates. We have a fucking loser. Meanwhile, I'm in there fucking private eyeing all over the place. Now it's the greatest fucking musical act of all time. And now, one has a restraining order against the other. Which is sad, dude. You should have seen it coming. I should have seen it.

This kid we were friends with in college, one time it was probably like junior year He told us that he had a sex playlist And Rich Girl was on his sex playlist Is that not insane? That's like when you want to hate fuck someone I don't know that that's hate I understand the lyrics but just the rhythm of the song

Is very like I mean that's a consistent rhythm It's a consistent rhythm Yeah but you can't help but sing along too What would be like You're going to hit those notes What would be like the worst songs to have sex to? Off the top of my head I think Goodbye Yellow Brick Road by Elton John

Might be one of the worst songs to have sex to Probably anything by Skrillex Candles in the Wind by Elton John Also those about Princess Diana dying Symphony music Can you imagine having sex to Journey like a ballad Where it's like a slow beat having sex to Journey like a ballad? Where it's like a slow beat?

That might be nice. No, sex to ballads is great. I think one of the, it could be fun, but you'd have to probably be on meth, is that Crazy Frog song? That bing, bing, bing. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, the EDM stuff would be a tough one. Imagine Gangnam Style. Oh, Gangnam Style would be good. Gangnam Style.

Singing a song at a post office, mail-in ballots. How about that, guys? That's what I'm here for. Bam. That's what you come for, folks. That's what you stay for. Yeah, I think just any kind of music. I can't have a soundtrack. You know? It'll throw off the accounting in your head.

I need white noise or I'm just not going to be able to perform quite frankly. It's got to be white noise. Maybe gray noise. They make a fan going. I don't know. Maybe I just need somebody fucking screaming at me. Somebody furious at me. Like a drill sergeant.

Yeah, honestly. You call that a dick? White noise is just a 40-year-old white lady outside of your window going, Did you come yet? I think if I ever wanted to stop having sex, all it would take is somebody getting a video of my ass the entire time. Oh, it would be terrible. And then I wouldn't be able to get it out of my head.

Oh, yeah. No, you know your angles, and you never go outside the angles. Why is it flat? Is there a third cheek? It looks like a croissant. What was I sitting on all day? What's that line on it? That's because I got spanked too much growing up.

That was when you farted and your dad smacked it back into your ass. He never let my yeast rise. There's a permanent ripple mark on your butt. I think I got the wooden spoon like one time and my parents immediately felt... I just watched them feel guilt. They hit you with the spoon? I got the spoon one time by my mom. I had a cousin. My

aunt threatened to hit him with a spoon. He ran up and took it and snapped it in half. And he goes, what are you going to hit me with now, mom? And then she just came up and smacked the shit out of him with her hands. You don't do that. Come on. You don't want to poke the bear. We weren't even Italian and we had a wooden spoon.

That's an Italian thing, right? Yeah, that is. That's what they say, at least. My grandmother used it more than my parents ever did. My parents are like, you know, the newer school Italians. It's amazing knowing that she hit you and then just went back to stirring.

Yeah, true. Oh dude, totally. That's what was happening. Yeah. It's the reason they hit you with the spoon is because that just happened to be what was in their hand.

It's not like they specifically picked that out. Like she would have hit me with a fucking spatula if it was in her hand. True. Maybe going back to hitting somebody while they fart, if you can get a silent but deadly one out and then you make her keep using it to cook, you win the long game. Am I giving yourself pink eye?

You're going to eat that meal too? Mom, I'm so sorry about what happened earlier. I couldn't even eat. You guys enjoy this one. She eats my fart spoon for dinner and I say, you're a foolish bitch. How's that chili taste, Mom? She's exactly the same. My mom can't cook at all. I could fart all over that spoon and it would tell no difference to my mom.

Yeah, was your mom a bad cook? Yeah, really bad cook, dude. My mom wasn't a bad cook towards high school and whatnot. My mom started working full time and just never got the energy to it. And this is the funny thing about baby boomer men. My dad would cook himself Eggo waffles yeah for dinner

if my mom didn't cook it was the saddest display what's wrong with that i'm gonna go home and make eggos right now true it sounds it goes all right if there's a food but we need a food pyramid for each of us what do you think your food pyramid looks like right now sad sad sad and highly saturated honey grow at the top honey grows up there dude i want that'd be the base right your base is honey grow? My base might be, I don't know. My base is probably Chipotle. I've been going there. I went through the E. coli scare, dude. I never gave up on those fuckers.

I would go there when it was... At this point, you're just desensitized to E. coli. I eat enough of it, your stomach's immune. That's the vaccine, dude. That's what Robert F. Kennedy is so worried about. It's like getting a little bit of snake venom in your system all the time so that you're eventually immune to snake bites. Yes, if there's snake venom in the lettuce,'s snake venom so your base would be chipotle my base probably chipotle that if you move up you probably put a little bit of uh probably some chocolate chip cookies in there

i'm a big dude i i'm telling you chips ahoy or like you get soft baked uh i was soft baked and you can fucking yeah and it's cookie season right now oh yeah we are in the fix of cookie season dude you want to talk about a guy who's eating cookies, you're looking at him, and he's looking back at you, and he's saying, I ain't stopping. Dude, wait until you have kids, and they ask you for a cookie, and you have to be like, no, you can't just eat cookies all day, and then as soon as they go to bed, I'm like,

you'll wear this fucking cookie set. True, true. You deserved it, though. John, have you had the experience yet where you cleaned out like a suite out of the house that you needed to replace so there was something for your daughter? Oh, all the time. I eat her yogurt-covered grapes, the yogurt-covered raisins, all the time.

Oh, those are good, though. Those are really good. Yogurt-covered raisins, because one box doesn't suffice. You need at least three or four of them. That and string cheese. Dude, I've eaten so many of my kids' string cheeses. I will eat a bag of that shit in a day. She texted me.

I offer you them all the time. If you're in the car with me, I'm usually holding a string cheese and an Uncrustable and a cereal bar of some sorts. The Uncrustables, they get them for snacks for catering. Those are the first thing to go. I used to think it was a bit of

you saying that you were older than me. Like you would put, you'd bring like a brown sack lunch and offer it to me every day. You want a crustable? You want a juice box? I'm a good dad. Now, John, do you like the grape uncrustables? Only grape. Dude, strawberry? Come on. If you eat anything but grape uncrustables, you can go right on and fuck yourself.

I just might later tonight. You're doing strawberry uncrustables? Strawberry of the shit. No. See, the key is you want to freeze them, and then you got to know your microwave power. Mine, I put it in frozen. That's such an old person thing to say. You got to know. You don't know your, like right now, if I said popcorn, what are you doing? Are you trusting the buttons?

Joe Biden. You're trusting the buttons on popcorn? Yeah. No. Oh, no. I look at the time. Shut up. You don't even know me like that, dude.

I listen for the pops. I listen. You don't even know me like that, dude. I listen for the pops. I listen. You feel like you know the pops that well. You should be able to count like two Mississippi between pops. When it gets further, you're done. They're burning. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. At the very end.

So you take an Uncrustable, fully frozen, toss it in the microwave, seven seconds. That's it. And then you still wait like another minute or two before you eat it. Because you let the peanut butter. It's like a hot pocket. the peanut butter is still frozen, but the jelly thaws out. So you get like a, almost like a, like the peanut butter swirl and ice cream. How that's like solid. Yes. I know. You get that with a delicious little cascade of jelly on your tongue. Now, can I offer you an alternative that put me in a weird spot of my work? Not too long ago. Yeah. And I know the story and I love it. Oh, did I tell you this story?

You were shit-faced the other night when you told me, so please repeat it. I hope it's the same one, but my work sells. Time out. Do you have multiple Ungrossable stories? True, true, true. Maybe. I'd have to go back in my Rolodex of my UC stories. But my work sells them in, like, four packs.

So I used to go and grab them, but they were in, like, the frozen section. So I had to, like, throw them out. I wanted them that day. Like, if I'm buying Uncrustables, I'm eating them within an hour or so. The box is gone by the end of the day. Easily. So you need a Costco box. They last at least, like, a half-time.

I'll still fucking finish it. Oh, dude, they're so... God, I'm getting one tonight. I might have some in my car. That would be enormous. There's a good chance there's at least two in there. I'll give you any amount of money you need for that. I'll take out a mortgage.

But I used to want them to fall out quickly, so I would sit on them. Like I would put them on my computer chair, and I would just sit on top of it because I was like, all right, it'll make my asses warm. And one day my boss came over and was like, can you come to my desk for a second? So I stood up, and there was just an Uncrustable that he noticed that I had just been sitting on for like a few hours. You sat on them that long?

It usually takes about an hour and a half, yeah, to get the consistency that you're looking for in the microwave. See, I know my microwave. You know your cheeks. I wouldn't fart. Honest to God, hand to my heart, I would never fart. It's wrapped in plastic. Who cares?

Fart all over your Uncrustable, dude. It's a secret deity to me, dude. I'm not tooting on my UC. I've taken Uncrustables on runs before. That's cool, though. You take a frozen one on a hot day in your pocket, and you get a couple miles in, and you're like, oh, I can take a delicious treat right now. Catch my breath.

You reach in. Oh, it's so perfect. I can't think of anything more disgusting to eat when you're out of breath than peanut butter. It does suck. Because then you're trying to, yeah, it's bad. You're like a dog. You more disgusting to eat when you're out of breath than peanut butter. It does suck. Because then you're trying to, yeah, it's bad. You're like a dog. Yeah.

Look at it. I've been in the Uncrustable game pre-Uncrustables. Before it was like a box item you could buy. My mom went to some Tupperware party thing that her friend threw. And she bought, it was just a metal ring that you would stamp down on your peanut butter and jelly sandwich and it would crimp the edges. So I was making Uncrustables back in

like 94. Dude, I gotta get into this. I want to make my own Uncrustables. You could. You can put whatever you want in them. I'm still just going to put peanut butter and grape jelly. Yeah, you can put peanut butter and jigging in there. What if we put more on top of the jelly? Oh, dude, there's this kid in our class who was like, you know the kids you went to middle school with that,

for whatever reason, their nose was always stuffed year round? Oh, yeah. Yeah. This kid doubled down on that by eating only peanut butter and fluff sandwiches every day. I ate a lot of fluff as a kid. Dude, fluff is good. That's aggressive.

If you can't breathe out of your nose, you can't afford to have your mouth that sticky. That's aggressive. It was. Some of the noises I heard there, and he would moan, too. He was like a moan eater. I remember that remember one time his mom clearly hated him as a son we were at his house and we just kept shitting on him making fun of him and his mom was a very serious lady i hadn't seen somebody laugh this hard in my life we're like he's such a fucking idiot does this then

she's like he does i hate him he's my second child he's the worst but yeah dude just pb pb and worst. Yeah, dude, just PB and fucking Molo without being a breather nose, the noises. Dude, fluff was a big deal in the 90s, I feel like. And early 2000s, the early aughts. This is about 2004, so I don't want to say that it started Hurricane Katrina, but I can't necessarily say that it didn't.

You can't rule it out. Just going to your fridge or going to your cabinet and going to your cabinet and just grabbing a spoonful of fluff at like 1130 at night after playing Sega with your friends.

I don't think there's a better way to end an evening. I just do that with crunchy peanut butter. I'll eat that with a spoon. Yeah, grab a spoon.

I go peanut butter spoon all the time now too. Well, I come from a fat dad, so I used to go and eat just icing out of the tub. I can't picture him

fat. He's not fat now. My dad was a chubby boy. He's a slender man now go and eat just icing out of the tub. I can't picture him fat. He's not fat now. My dad was a chubby boy. He's a slender man now. His snack was icing out of the tub. Oh. So I'd go down, I'd take a scoop of vanilla icing, and he would get mad because I'd eat too much, and he'd be like, it's for everybody.

It's like, that's really not supposed to be. It's a community jug of icing. Dude, my dad. That isn't getting nowhere near a cake. He's putting his name on it. I remember my dad would get a box of Weight Watchers creamsicles, and he'd be like, they're good for you. They're healthy.

But then he would eat like 11 of them the night he got them, and I'm just fully that guy now. I bought mini ice cream sandwiches. He was like, oh, they're a good size for our daughter, and if we eat them, we won't feel bad about ourselves. We had a little ice cream sandwich. You have to eat four of them. I polish off six of them at a time. Oh, yeah.

And I'll stack them. I do like a cartoon. Oh, you. And I'll stack them. I do like a cartoon. Oh, you're glutton. Trader Joe's has snacks. I have laid on the couch and eaten them like this, though. Yeah. I really enjoy the second time. I've heard you brought it up.

Lay down and eat a cheeseburger. I talked about that. I ate a cheeseburger laying down in a hotel once. I was very hammered. And it was one of the greatest meals of all time. Dude, I actually, I confess, I stayed in a hotel recently when I went up to Connecticut. I had the eating bed.

Eating bed is key, dude. What's eating bed? Eating bed, sleeping bed. I was there one night and I didn't anyway. You got your eating beat and you got your slumber. It's cute. You're beating your friends in video games. Thank God.

Video game is your penis. Yeah, you're beating your friends in video games. Okay, thank God. Video game is your penis. Yeah, you got to have your... And you take all the pillows from the eating bed, and that way you have a pillow for it on your sleeping bed. Oh, yeah, totally. That's key, too. Travel tips with John. Do you like to...

All right, now, given two beds, do you take the one closer to the window or further from the window? Usually further from the window. I like to be closer to the window or further from the window? Usually further from the window. I like to be closer to the bathroom. I agree. In case I have any midnight accidents. True. If the stuff you're eating at a hotel, you're like, I'm going to shit myself.

That's a good point. I'm going to CVS and just getting bags of chocolate-covered pretzels for no reason at all. Yeah, it's so funny the way you're allowed to treat your body while you're traveling. I'm in a different state. It's not real. Especially when the desk at the front has the 24 hours. You can just go grab snacks. That's where I've been plowing through chip, which is being on the road a bunch.

And it got to a point where I was grabbing two of them. Because I was like, well, I'll put one in the freezer for tomorrow. Of course. Eat one on the elevator ride up. And then I get in there. And I'm like, well, I'm just watching Modern Family again on this TV. I guess I should probably crush another Chipwitch. Might as well.

Modern Family, great hotel show, too. You can just leave it on. It's always on. It's either that or Impractical Jokers. That's all I watch. That's always on. Forensic Files as well, I'll put that on for good background. It's too spooky for me.

I don't like getting spooked out. Oh, really? I don't like getting scared in hotels, because I always wake up anyway and go, where the fuck am I? Yeah. If I also go go like, murder? That's not good. Oh, yeah.

Midday nap at a hotel is a terrifying endeavor. When you wake up and you're like, what the fuck? Yeah. You'll know where you are. 6 p.m.? What happened? It's 6 p.m. in Memphis? Why am I in Memphis?

Especially now when it's dark and you're like, all right, is it 6 a.m.? 6 p.m.? Well, I had to do that because- Where's my kidney? So Hard Knocks, we didn't start till 8 p.m. and we went to like 2 a.m. every night. So, like, those basically, you know, you got home at 2, you woke up at, like, noon.

Yeah. Oh, my God. You were a bit off. It could have been worse, though. That's so brutal. Having that, like, all over their sleep schedule, it's... I can't do it. Dude, did it for a while.

I've done it for years. I've done it in my 20s. I can't do it anymore. I had a midnight 8 a.m. shift in New York doing Bloomberg. Yeah. And then I did, I was doing 3.30 a.m. at ABC for a while. Yeah, that's whenever I listen to like morning radio, they're always like, we got here at 5 a.m. And I'm like,

don't fucking rub it in my face. Yeah, pressing a C before the morning, it's like, you don't have to be. You're done work at 9. Yeah. They also go to bed at 6 p.m. I hate when people flex waking up early and they're like, yeah, I went to bed at 7.30. And it's like, there you go. Yeah.

Like my second amount of stuff. I don't need that information at all. It's also just like. People got to. Yeah, they got to stop like sleep flexing on us. I hate. It drives me out of my. I hate it, dude.

It is great when you get eight hours. Makes me want to shoot up a Sylvan Learning Center. Are you an eight hours a night guy? Why a Sylvan Learning Center? Because that was. The Goddard School is too good for you? So many people were shooting up schools. They should have went to these fucking...

Remember Learning Centers in the late 90s, early 2000s? It's where you sucked at school, so you had to spend your summer there? Yep, I was there. Stop bringing a fucking assault rifle in there for sure. Back of the diesel? Never now, but... We'd like to just report that's a joke to the algorithm. Yeah, so we might just cut that in.

Speaking of, we might have to cut this whole... We might have to hit the road. What were your topics you wanted to discuss? I think we got to any of them. My only topic is that I said I want to buy a gun so I can double jump. That was my big topic. Buy a gun so you can double jump?

Yeah, like when you jump, if I shot down, it would make me jump higher. That was my big... I'm not sure that's how it works, but I don't know enough to refute it. And then this is my other one. I wrote a joke that I don't... It's how it works but I don't know enough to refute it and then this is my other one I wrote a joke that I don't apparently the Indians invented decimals

and fractions of points so the store is actually called 7-Elevens thank you guys for tuning in thanks for everything I'm going to kill myself tonight what do you got coming up Matt other than offing yourself. We are looking at a live from High Note episode of That Rules.

So keep your eyes peeled. That'll be a fun little Christmas episode. And January 3rd, I'll be at Helium. Tata Cherise is running a showcase there. So that'll be a fun show. I'm a lone white man on there, so I'll bring the flavor. And it'll be a good time. Check the socials for different things like that.

What do you got, you little slippery boy? January 12th, I'll be in Roast Battle, ran by the beautiful Lou Missiano. I think Jim Gillespie and I are going to finally get to roast battle each other. So that'll be a good one. I think that's in Philly. I don't know where, but keep an eye out on Montag Comedy on Instagram. And I had two other shows, but I think they

canceled. I have something else coming up. No, he doesn't book me anymore. Yeah, he would have got it. Yeah, you can only say no. Oh, December 25th, Christmas. We'll be doing it this year. They're doing Christmas. We're going to do Christmas. So we're going to keep an eye on that. Cricket, Smith's.

Yeah, Montag Comedy, Hacks Comedy Golf. We're going to do Christmas. We're going to keep an eye on that. Cricket-smiss. Yeah, Monte Comedy, Hacks Comedy Golf. We're going to also – there's potential hockey content coming up. Potential, indeed. After I had this idea, I got a little loose, and apparently I bought a Wayne Gretzky blues jersey. Dude, I got a Wayne Gretzky Rangers jersey upstairs. Old Liberty. This is now my second inebriated on the couch Wayne Gretzky related purchase of my life.

I mean, there's worse things to buy when you're wasted. That's what I said. Let's be honest. It was from DHGate too, so we'll see if it ever actually arrives. Yeah, you'll get that in eight months. It says a Gletzky on the back. A Wayne Gretzky. It just says Wayne.

Actually, that'd be fucking awesome. A 99 jersey just says Wayne Actually that'd be Fucking awesome A 99 jersey Just says Wayne Some dude in fucking China DHK If you didn't make my jersey yet Make that Make it guys

Yeah tell the people In the sweatshops Bye Bye goodnight Donald Trump Outro Music