The Adam and Dr. Drew Show - BEST OF #75: Nerf Machete

Episode Date: December 25, 2024

Adam and Drew open the show discussing their recent trip to New England to perform live shows and Adam briefly touches on a recent race he had in Monterey. Adam then expresses a frustration he's been experiencing lately involving bartenders and Mangria. Drew also brings up the Bradley Manning case and gets Adam's take on the idea of the government paying for his sex change operation. As the show wraps up they take listener phone calls from a young man whose girlfriend has extreme anxiety about sex and a heterosexual female who only enjoys masturbating to females. Originally Aired: 9/4/2013 Leave us a voicemail: SpeakPipe.com/AdamandDrDrew OR Click the microphone at the top of the homepage, AdamandDrDrew.com

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Got to get it on. No choice but to get it on, man. Get it on. Thanks for joining us. We're back in studio Drew and I were on a little romantic vacation through the Bostonian area oh they heard it oh yeah we're on the road baby yeah on the road heard how August tried to kill us they heard the disparaging things you said about my wife they heard her screaming in the back of the van well again a couple

things I ride in the front seat or as my mom used to call it, the suicide seat. I don't know why left-wing wackos have to come up with a title for everything. Negative too, negative title. Right. How about some ID at the polling place? Voter suppression. Okay. We could just call it ID. We could just call it the passenger seat. It's gotta be called the suicide seat. But anyway, I always ride up front. Mike drives like a complete and utter asshole. Seriously.

Right, and I don't mind because we're usually driving something big. And once you get used to driving those race cars, other people's asinine driving just doesn't feel like much. Oh, interesting. To you. I'm so used to driving in such close proximity of other cars and other situations

that it doesn't register the same to me. If you guys find the front of that race, I'll show you what the start of a race looks like. Oh, let's see that. You will see the, and you don't have to, it'll take Gary a second, but you'll see the confines that you're in, and then you don't feel that same feeling. I do have the feeling though, when Mike corners

and the side wheels come off the ground, I do have a feeling when Mike basically does a U-turn on a freeway. And by the way, not a U-turn, a three point turn on a freeway. It's true. Well, you know, it's hard to get from Boston or Rhode Island in a couple things. You know it's a lot like it's a lot like boxing. If you if you box a lot and you spar a lot and guys throw a lot of punches at your face, them missing you by a quarter inch a half inch doesn't feel like that much. Right. When you're not used to it a punch coming your direction makes you want to double over when all you need to do is slip just a very fractional

marginal amount to one side in order to miss. Cause a punch in an accident, it's either a millimeter or a million miles, it all feels the same. Here's the start of Laguna Seca by the way. We'll just show the first, gotta get the sound going, otherwise it's no fun. Oh, that's in your car? Yeah, that's in, that's-

Oh my God, how do you get all this? That's awesome. They put cameras on them, but this is- What are you driving? I'm driving Paul Newman's 300ZX. Why is everybody else a Porsche? Because they're fast. So, you get this thing where you get bunched up and you

get right in behind these guys and and you'll get right in behind them when they're going fast and then this kind of traffic that you're that you're looking at it doesn't then then when you get on the road and you're right behind someone it doesn't bother you because it's like the box are getting punched at a lot. It just seems like, just doesn't feel like anything. That's why I sit in the front seat and don't have any problems with Mike and his crazy driving.

How'd you do in this race? I ended up getting cut off in the eighth lap and went into the dirt. Other than that, those are big 935 Porsches and stuff like that. It's fun, you go up the hill, you hit the corkscrew at the top, the famous corkscrews at the top of this hill, it's Monterey, so it's always beautiful. You go from 120 miles an hour at the top of this hill

down to 41 miles an hour or something through this, through this crazy corkscrew and then keep going. Is that a surface street that they make into a racetrack? No, that's Laguna Seca. And then you get back down to the front of the straightaway where the race starts and that's where you complete your complete your lap. But yeah, and those cars are all like the 935s have 800 horsepower. So they're crazy, crazy fast cars. But anyway, you get

used to it, then Mike doesn't bother you. Because you're not only you're not going, you're going 125 miles an hour here, you're going 60 miles an hour and it's Mike. But Mike, I'll tell you where Mike pisses me off. Mike doesn't signal. So Mike is looking to change lanes. He's always looking to change lanes, but the person behind him doesn't know he's looking.

And I'm always like, you know what percentage of people either don't signal or signal after they engage in the move? It's a weird thing. It's like kicking open someone's front door and then knocking on the door while it's on the ground. And then getting pissed at the person. Yeah, well I knocked, I knocked. It's like, no, you don't, this signal and the turn is not one move.

This signal is signal for five Mississippi and then let the people know you're switching lanes. A lot of people, a lot of people that way. We then, I did, now Drew, you tell me where you're, you tell me where you're at with this. You can stop the footage if you like. After the show in Rhode Island, there was the, Drew, his wife, and his son Jordan

are going someplace that's not on the way back to Boston. And it's 17 and a half miles from where we are. And I knew, there's always a part of me that's sort of like, you chose to do this. Me. Your family. Yeah, yeah. You chose not to go back to Boston.

You chose to go somewhere else to take a train to New York the following day. And what would be the right thing, and the neighborly thing to do, would be to drive you to that, to said destination. But also, we got an hour and a half's drive to boston and you got a 30 minute drive to wherever you're going turns out more like 20 25 it didn't put you way out of the way did it no that part didn't the part where we got where we dropped you off

and instead of turning around basically and going back all right to where we came we made a right to look for the 99 or whatever and next you know we're just in the wilds of Rhode Island, driving through country roads. And it took us two and a half hours to get back to Boston. But by the way, but oh, you got lost after you dropped us off. We didn't get lost. We just because we're in the middle of Rhode Island and we don't know where to go. And it felt weird to just double back and go back. There's a feeling of, I don't wanna turn around and just go back and cover the road we just covered.

Yeah, why do that? There's gotta be a way forward. So instead, there was a sign that said 99 or the one, or whatever it was, and we followed it. But what we didn't realize is that just drove us through single lane highways in the middle of Rhode Island in the middle of the night, and it took us forever just to get back.

That by the way was the third time Mike did that. And we did not, yeah Mike does a fair bit of that. Routinely misses things. I would judge but I might be worse than he. But the reality is we all should have just ponied up 10 bucks and put you in a cab. No we could have done the cab thing. We were willing to do a cab. I know, took us, we ended up not taking the right road back to Boston, and we ended up getting back to Boston at 1am. And when

we had stopped at a, the worst thing is, is we had to stop to fill up. And we all take a piss and like a vacant lot. But we stopped to fill up because there was that no gas stations between Boston and Logan and the You know that rental car thing or they just first off Should it be legal in a in a world of? well AT&T wants to buy Verizon and the government says no, you know You say I would like to charge this much for plywood. I own a hardware store, and there's been a hurricane, and there's been a run on plywood.

And now I have a nice cache of plywood, but I'd like to make more money off this plywood. Like hotels charge seasonal rates. Yeah. Like art when it's in demand. Anything that's in demand. It goes up. Yeah, I want a hundred bucks for my sheet of plywood. And by the way, if you don't want to buy it, you don't have's in demand. Anything that's in demand. It goes up. Yeah, I want $100 for my sheet of plywood. By the way, if you don't want to buy it, you don't have to buy it, but that's what plywood's

going for these days. It's gouging. It's gouging at us. Right. We have laws, and those laws say you can't do that. The part where you return the car to the Avis or the Alamo and they're going to charge you eight bucks a gallon, shouldn't it just be market price plus the eight minutes it took the guy who makes $8 an hour to fill it up?

Or even a 20% tip convenience fee. Whatever it is. That's 400%. How many times have you done that? I'm going to return the car to the airport. Oh, fuck, we got to find a gas station because we're going to get screwed if we drop it off on well you know you can buy the tank of gas you can buy a full tank ahead at market rates right but I've also had it happen where somebody or maybe someone

next to me was just arguing but they returned it with like three quarters of a tank left yeah but bought the full tank yeah you know and then there's that aspect of it we have to time it right we We have to run it, you know, run it just dry enough to I'm just saying what would be the harm and instead of buying it like it's a fucking commodity, like you're speculating on how much you're going to go through. How about this? What we call market price for regular or premium or whatever it is, market price plus 20%. That'll be it. If you're in Florida, it'll be one price.

If you're Texas and California, it'll be another price. And then when you drop said car off, well, it can have half a tank, it could have three quarters of a tank, it'll be full. It doesn't matter, it does not matter to you, it's market rate plus a 20% service, whatever. I feel like that would cover them. Be fair.

And it would stop the weird, at 1 a.m., we're pulling off the wrong, we took the wrong one back into Boston. Oh, no. Well, when we dropped you off, you guys off at the hotel, as soon as we dropped you off, there was just a big arrow that said, like, 99 this way. But it didn't say how far that way.

Point is, at 1 AM, and then we had the looming morning flight sort of hanging over us, at 1 AM, we pulled off into a gas station in a very dicey part of town, you know, where they where they filmed the fighter and the town basically and then took a piss in a fucking... It is great when you have to piss. When you have to piss you don't care what time it is, what neighborhood you're in, where you are. Forest fire. It doesn't matter. You just go, I have to piss. I mean, I found myself standing in a vacant lot

in a shitty, shitty part of Massachusetts just taking a piss. I mean, there could have been gangs and homeless people, it did not matter. You're peeing. Had to take a piss. We haven't talked about our tour yet in a podcast and I was just thinking, I don't know if these guys,

nobody else had a glass, in a podcast and I was just thinking, I don't know if these guys know the other side of the glass, in Rhode Island, the Mangria Porrs were a pint. Drew. Weren't they? Half pint? Please help me, please help me in this quandary as I sift through the forest of life

with my super dull machete, with my nerf machete. As I try to get through the hedger forest of life with my super dull machete with my nerf machete as I try to get through the the hedge row of life with my nerf machete yes nerf machete good indie band it is Chris you guys should start a band called nerf machete it's done on it I'll fill panel I do is that what it is? I know I didn't like it. I say to everyone all the time I say two things. Here's the mangrove and here's the poor. Here's what you do. Here's how it works. This is it. It was different in every place we went. Nobody. First off, I have been to, I went to a mangria tasting in, you know, the Southland and the beach, whatever. I went to a mangria tasting, that's Adam Carolla shows up, they pour mangria, everyone tastes

mangria, red and white, and I signed some bottles, we take some pictures and I go do a show. I showed up and I did what I always do, give me a mangria. And Mike August said give me a mangria too. And I got zero hyperbole or exaggeration, muddled fruit, fruit that had been put in a mortar and pestle and like crushed, sprigs of spearmint, Salsa water, and a tall zombie-type glass. Oh my god. It looked clear. Mangria Highball.

I don't know what it was. Mangria Mojito. I took a sip off it. It tasted like mint and berries. And I said, what the fuck is this? And he said, that's what the bartender's doing that's what he's doing for mangria and I said to assistant J go tell him that's not what we're doing here and the most first off the most

common given answer is yeah I told him Well then fucking hit him in the head. Go over there and go, hey, there's some mangrove tasting. It's not time for you to jack off in a bucket. Fucking asshole. People are here to try to taste mangrove and not see what you can do if you're trapped on an island with almost no mangrove and a bunch of mint and a mortar and pestle and some wild berries.

Fucking give them mangrove. If later on you'd like to make your own drink. Enjoy. Enjoy. But we're here for a mangrove tasting. Oh, that was just, I told that to Jay and Jay was like, ah, yeah, well. You couldn't get him to stop?

I had left at that point and just told Jay, tell him. We tell everybody, here's how you do it. Get a rocks get glass, pour about three ounces into it and put, and then you get the tall boy glass with 11 ounces and soda water. The equivalent of those red beer cups, the equivalent of those. And people were like dangerously drunk. It made it easy for us on stage, but my god. But let me say this.

You saw the race car I had, right? Yeah. It's a complicated car. And I talk to guys, and I bring them over here. And they come over here, and I go, what do we got? There's some guy named Casey Millett. Casey Millett used to race those cars back in the day. I go, what kind of gear oil should we use?

What kind of oil? Well, the Joe Gibbs stuff with the high zinc content is good. Uh-huh, I write it down. And then I go, what weight? And then I go, same gear in the transmission is in the rear end or is that a different? Well, now some guys go with the buzz a straight cut gear or is it and i just right over there and that's what you just leave and i go

fuck you old dude i'm gonna piss in this fucking engine block like no i just do exactly what the fuck they tell me to do you want to why i don't know i don't know what the car is i don't know what's most effective he knows he knows that's why I asked him And that's why I did exactly what the fuck he told me to do and with mangria Every time it's three ounce pour over rocks put it. You know you want to put a wedge of orange. That's your business Every time people are grossly over served by the way For the person who pours two or three times as much as

they should be pouring. It's a great deal. Well, for the great deal for the consumer, terrible deal for the bar. The bar who we told how to make money with this product, it's three ounces, it's four ounces, charge six or eight bucks. They charge six or eight bucks, they pour three times. So you do the math, they're leaving a bunch of money on the table they always run out of the product because they never order enough of it and that what happens times every city we go to true now that what happened yeah what what happened when people can't follow directions or don't trust whoever somebody tweeted me the Wilbur theater we're at in Boston my name's on the marquee. It's spelled incorrectly

What I've played the Wilbur theater. I Sold the Wilbur theater out a year ago less than a year ago. My name was spelled differently what goes on with adults and Is it getting better or is it getting worse? And why, when do we get to start judging and when do we get to start yelling at people? I get in this argument with people all the time

where they go, you don't respect me, you better respect me. And I'm like, you can't yell at me to respect you, you have to earn respect. Stop yelling, respect me. When did that begin? Oh, that's been going on for 10 years, 15 years. You better respect me.

There it is. Tonight, Adam Carolla, C-O-R-O-L-L-A, and Dr. Drew. Now, on the Mangria bottle, it says Adam Carolla, C-A-R. On the website, it says Adam Carolla, C-A-R. On every document, it says Adam Carollaolla C-A-R. On every document it says Adam Carolla C-A-R. To be fair, if you check the Canadian Mangria bottle, it is spelled C-A-R three times, and then C-O-R one time on the same bottle.

On the same label. It's nice. Canadians have to do something a little different. What's going on here, Drew? There's now a conversation out there about not teaching spelling because computers are gonna take care of that for us. Now that, remember, you've heard this lately

where people are like, well education's too expensive, people shouldn't go to college. That was me. But Adam, what do you think the South Koreans are doing? Working very hard at education. Right, because it doesn't pay off, because it's not worth it? There's no benefit?

Or because they're going to eat our fucking lunches after they educate the shit out of their population? All I was saying, and this is my powerful thought, and this is pre-sniff, pre-snort, this is what I told you guys. Who are you looking at? I'm looking at you. All right.

By looking down. And saying you guys. And saying you guys. But I think it's crystal clear what I'm doing here. I said in the SUV with all of us in Boston. I said that I think 10 years from now, going to campus and sitting in a big brick building while a guy lectures is gonna be as confusing

as telling kids we used to all go to a porno movie theater and watch people fuck together. No, no, wait, wait, wait, you have to even just, I don't think they even understood what you just said. Versus- People would watch porno films in a theater where they show movies, because that's all they had was these films. No.

It almost sounded like you were saying you go watch people actually have sex. Oh, sorry, no, we'd go to a porno house, sorry, and watch the movies together, and they're gonna go, fuck man, why don't you just sit home and look at your computer alone? Or at least your DVDs or your VCRs or something. Or you can concentrate and you're gonna go, we didn't have that so we all would congregate

and watch people fuck on film. Oh look at Chris, he's mortified. My son's gonna be like, so then what? And all you dudes like what, banging elbows, rubbing thighs and shit? And it's like, that's the way, you know, that's all we had. I think they imagine you would be stimulating yourself as a group, no, no, no. They saved that for the spank bank at home.

Mike August said that when he went to the University of Denver and went to evasive driving school. No. Okay. When he got his MBA at the University of Denver, he said there was a girl who graduated with him from China. Never showed up a day.

Oh yeah. Literally did the whole thing online. By the way, when it comes to motivation, Mike August, as an adult, sent himself through business school, and because he was paying for it, he did two years' work in one year, versus when mommy and daddy are paying for it, they do it in seven years,

they do four years' work in seven years. Very interesting when you're 40, you're footing the bill for it. Guess who gets real efficient real fast. You know, it's funny to say about this, the Ivy League, the Ivy covered buildings and stuff. I lectured at the USC medical school about three months ago and I was talking to the guy that ran the division

and we're getting ready to give the lecture and he goes, hey, you got a pretty good turnout there. That's 70 kids in there. And I I go how many in a class? 150. And I go what do you mean turnout? Yeah yeah normally the kids just they watch these at home they podcast everything they don't really come in. They medical school you don't come in? I can't believe it. It's gonna be a windfall for the schools because they are gonna end up doing the equivalent of selling gym memberships but you do push-ups at home.

Think about that. If you owned a gym and you could just sell unlimited memberships but people didn't come into your gym, they just stayed home and did chin-ups. Like you'd go, yeah, you can watch us take a spinning class from home, that'd be the greatest fucking racket in the world, wouldn't it? Well, that's what it's gonna be. I think, so 10 years from now, when it comes time for

one of my kids to go to college. Oh, which one? I haven't chosen yet. Let's see who wins, daddy's affection. I don't know about just, off the 60 grand a year and whatever it'll be over a hundred grand then and then just walking into a place and sitting down. It's gonna feel I don't know antiquated. It's gonna feel like what a porn what a pussycat theater feels like the Chris Maxipata over

there. I'm sure you still understands it. But something he does understand. Bunches of like-minded dudes. It would be like going to the post office. Oh, yeah. And, oh. That's not necessary anymore.

That feels like Pony Express crap to me. Hey, the podcast before last, when you were late and I was just sitting here just sort of filling time. I talked about the guy Manning is that his name the guy that got convicted of basic was it treason. I'm not always convicted of something like that. Military. Yeah. And for divulging secrets. And and I said something the effect of I don't remember exactly what I said but that you know maybe people were killed or lives were put at risk by this guy. And now his attorney wants to sue for the sex change operation because he's a she. You can't imagine the tweets I got from that.

How dare you? He didn't put, hasn't he suffered enough? Violations of the Espionage Act. That's what he was, okay. So he's treason, right? Wouldn't that be treason? I guess. It was acquitted of treason, but it's what he was okay. So he's treason right? Would that be treason? I guess. It was acquittal of treason but it's right in that area. We got a light hanging back in

the day. Well I just said I can imagine what George Washington would say. Right. Like sir I'm gonna say I'm gonna say your life has been saved. Listen I don't know when that voice of that community became so strong, I- But forget that community. This guy is like a serious criminal and he's convicted of stuff. We're not. Listen. We're much- I've said it once, I've said it again. We have lost our ability to meter.

We don't have a dimmer switch. We have an on and an off switch. Which is, by the way, primitive. That's more primitive. You could have taken, at any given time, a group of women are probably more susceptible to this shit than men are. But since we're all turning into chicks,

it's essentially where we're all going anyway. At any given time, you could have taken the guy in Cleveland who you know raped and beat and imprisoned those three women in his fucking dungeon and chained him to a radiator and you know induced an abortion by kicking him in the stomach and all that you could take in that guy and if that story had come out the exact same time Alec Baldwin had called this 14 year old supermodel daughter a little piggy girl right on the on her cell phone answering machine and taken a societal poll I'd say the guy who imprisoned him would have scored lower than Alec Baldwin on the shit-o-meter on that particular day, or at least tied.

That's how we're becoming. We used to understand the gradations, the difference. Worse. Yeah. I don't get it myself because when I hear about Alec Baldwin calling his daughter little piggy, people say, oh, can you believe it? And I go, who gives a shit? And they go, oh, what the?

How would you like it if Sean Penn yelled at your daughter? And it's like, okay, I don't think any celebrities are going to yell at my daughter. Maybe I'm going to yell at her one day. That'll be fine. That'll be between me and my daughter I'll probably have done something to get to the point where I'm yelling at her. She's rich She's beautiful She goes to a private school She'll be fine. We don't I don't know what you want an intervention here an arrest an arrest that's that's the I don't I don't give I don't give a shit Won't stop until there's sort of blood is there the weird impulse like I guess I'm gonna I've been offended now by his action

So I need him to pay what I don't I don't I listen It's a you know, it's weird But I am such a narcissist that I don't have time. You weren't a narcissist. I'm a narcissist in the sense of I have a filter that things pass through. Does it have to do with making me happy? Does it have to do with making me money? Does it have to do with my family?

Does it have to do with me getting a Paul Newman race car or going out vintage racing or something of that nature? If it doesn't fall under that umbrella of things that I'm working on, it's superfluous. It's neither here nor there. I don't know her. She's not going to affect me. He's not saying that to me.

I don't think he's going to go on a rampage where he insults other people's teenage daughters via the telephone. So I don't give a fuck. These are basically consensual crimes for me. But not only that, they want him like he tackled a photographer the other day last week. Right. See that? Yes. He needs to pay.

Yeah. Why do you care? Isn Is that between him and the photographer? I look the the deal is is Look, I feel I extend it to the Menendez brothers. I've said it a million times These guys got together at some point and said hey We should take a shotgun to mom and dad while they're eating hung at Hong and DOS and watching America's funniest videos on a Sunday night and the other one went what time? That means they're horrible parents it just does Could you imagine your fucking boys your two boys? I mean I could maybe maybe mom, but I'm saying you and

your beautiful wife together like if if if If Jordan just said to Douglas like seriously like look I'm home from school next summer now we're bored but look I got a plan what we got well Sunday night you know mom and dad always sit on the sofa and watch it America's Funniest Videos about 8 o'clock yeah mom eats ice cream uh-huh I'm gonna get us a shotgun, and I think we're gonna go in there and we're gonna kill both of them

while they're watching TV. And Jordan said that to Douglas, and Douglas went, okay, so should we call it 8.30, or should we do it after the show? Let him get a whole, let him get an episode of Sag It under the belt, and then kill him. Maybe we should save it for that. Let him die doing what they love watching sag it You have done a fucking horrible job of parenting yeah now are those guys good boys

No, did you do something to them to get them to do that nature and nurture baby you toss the coin either way either way But here's the deal. I way, it's you. Either way. But here's the deal. I don't give a shit that the Menendez brothers have killed two people, you wanna know why? They were their parents, and they did something horrible to them. I don't even look at them as a threat to me or my family.

I don't look at, I don't, but this guy, by the way, the guy that snatches the young ladies off the street and puts them in his makeshift dungeon, that does pose a threat to me. I have a daughter. I think people would argue that anybody, if they could even kill their parents, who knows what else they could do. Mm-hmm. I'm sure they're not great guys, but do you feel like they would have killed anyone else in their adult lives? Probably not. I'm going with no. they would have killed anyone else in their adult lives. Probably not. I'm gonna go with no.

On the other hand, if you're put in prison for stabbing someone 28 times at an ATM and stealing 40 bucks from them, and that person miraculously lives, so you basically get assault with a deadly weapon or whatever, and then because of the California penal system, everything gets cut down to 40%, and you're out in six years.

That's a person I feel like is capable of doing things to people. They already did it to someone they didn't know at an ATM. So for me, I have shades of gray, and I put everything into perspective, and if a celebrity wants to get into it with the paparazzi who's invading his personal space or yell at his daughter, that'll be up to him, that'll be up to his attorney, that'll be up to his counselor and his marriage counselor

and his daughter, that'll be up to them. If you want to snatch up people off the sidewalk and put them in a dungeon, I want you euthanized. That's how I work. I don't know why the guy that's basically accused of treason and who now wants us to pay for his sexual reassignment surgery, you say, screw that, let him go in the tank with the boys. Wait till his sentence is over and then go get your reassignment surgery. He can go pay for it.

That makes you an animal. And people are furious. Not only that. By the way, I wasn't even suggesting it was my opinion. I was just saying imagine what George Washington would say. Imagine it. That sounds like a little your opinion. The other thing is this notion of this, like I said, we're now at the point where if you asked, by the way,

when they ask, it's pretty over, there's a statistic out there, just, you know, save your drowning dog or save a drowning stranger were, now women statistically much higher with their dog. Wow. By the way, men higher with the stranger. Interesting, isn't it? Yeah, it is interesting. Yeah.

Where'd you see this? They do, they do these polls, these studies, they're out there. But when we get to the point where, and I suspect it climbs every year, where you're gonna go after your own dog versus the stranger, we're done as a society. My dog falls in a drink, I toss it a cinder block.

That thing's bleeding me dry. Here you go. It's shaped like a big jerky treat. Yeah, big bony. Cinder block that things bleed me dry here go it's it's uh it's shaped like a big jerky treat a big bony cinder block bony we need those like a buddy cartoon he swallows it goes into his tail takes seriously that the dogs cost me ten thousand dollars in the last four years. You're a fucking jerky tree, like center block. It'll be like that Phil Collins song. It's about a guy in a park.

Saw his dog driving. Fucked him out of the way. Yeah, it's a long story. All right, Drew, wanna take some phone calls? Sure. I'll take a quick break. I will share some wisdom with you that I think you'll like. What?

A lot, yes, wisdom. and we'll do it right after this Adam Carolla comes clean now available at angel.com I think the problem with Olympic fencing is the outfits they dress like x-ray technicians with a spaghetti colander on their head. They should be forced to wear the outfits of their country swordsmen from back in the day, right? France would have a musketeer, Japan would have a samurai, United States, a homeless guy with a machete. He's got a load in his sweatpants. Subscribe to angel.com slash Adam to get exclusive access to the full Dry Bar Comedy Special,

Adam Carolla Comes Clean. Hey, it's Adam Carolla from the Adam Corolla show bet online is the world's most trusted betting platform and your number one source for online betting from the earliest odds to in game live betting bet online provides you with all the action and ability to watch and bet on games as they happen with the largest selection of odds on everything from football, NBA, college basketball as well. BetOnline has NHL, MMA and championship boxing,

all your betting needs in one place. Head to BetOnline today to get in on the action with America's most trusted site for Online wagering so have some fun make these games in these events in these combat sports a little more Interesting with bet online bet online the game starts here All right, is that a 65 Oh, we figured out 64.2. That's a show. We got your phone calls. When I was going to say something, my good friend Dennis Prager was saying the other day, which I was listening to his radio program, 62.5 cents a show, seems reasonable.

He was talking about happiness, and he was talking about unhappy people, and how he always says much like body odor, it affects people, like it's something you need to take care of. It's not, it's your moral obligation. Huh, that's interesting. To be happy. That's interesting.

Because. Because it impinges on others. It affects them greatly. I mean, think about that. My mom was- We got a big moral problem in this country. My mom was very unhappy, and it made me very unhappy. And it makes those around you very unhappy.

It's a very interesting point. When the boss is unhappy, when the wife is unhappy, when the husband's unhappy. What's that do to the kids? What's that do to the employees? So unhappiness is sort of an obligation. I mean, literally, even if you have to fucking fake it. You know what I mean? Like when you say to my mom,

how you doing today? She goes, I'm okay. She won't even give up good. I actually gave Ray $1,000. I said, Ray, I'll give you a thousand dollars. Call my mom right now. Call her home and go, how you doing, Chris? And if she goes, good, then I'll give you a thousand dollars

because I know she won't. And Ray, because Ray has a kind of a tuning, which is way the fuck, Drew, you have some of this. Mike August has a lot of this. Drew you have some of this. Mike August has a lot of this, Ray has a lot of this. It's not a stupid person's trait, but yet all stupid people do it. And then a handful of elite smart people do it as well. They do things like, was sort of like you going,

hey remember this guy? Pointing at Sean Green. He calls my mom, and said, we have this bet. I go, all right, you call my mom. You say, how you doing, Chris? And then when she answers, which she won't say good, just reflexively you'd say, how you doing? Good, how you doing?

You know, good. You know, go back, I don't care where. She wouldn't be able to do that. No, no, no, she says she's doing all right. She's okay I'll give you a thousand dollars. She says good. He says oh, I'll take that money I said you'll never get it because I know so he calls her up and She picks up the phone and he goes Hey, Chris. How you doing, and she goes

Who's this? And he goes, who's this? And he goes, it's Ray. Oh, Ray. No, he said it's me. Oh, he said it's, oh, sorry, my mistake. It's me. And then she stumbled and stammered some more and said, who's me?

I hate when people do that. And then she said, you do it all the time. Me? Well, when you introduced former Dodgers to me I don't say hates me. Okay, so so so she he calls up and he goes hey Chris. How you doing and she goes like That part where you can't hear in people's Tone there's a weird thing It's a call a friend of mine, and sometimes his mom would babysit,

and she'd just pick up the phone. And I'd just be like, she'd pick up the phone, and I'd go, hello? And she'd go, hello? I'd go, is Bob there? And she'd go, no. And I'd go, uh, I mean, obviously, you're picking up the phone in someone else's house,

say Bob's residence. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah. Or not be confused when the other person's confused. I think there's a part of them that likes that dominion. I have control over you and your fucking confused brain. And again, we were talking about this earlier. To me, that kind of power feels like nothing.

Like having a building with your name on the top of it, that feels like something. Having a company, you know, having something, Mangria with your name on the top, that feels like something to me. Confusing people who call the house doesn't feel like, I don't get any jollies out of that. I don't get- You're not motivated towards that at all.

Why would anybody? That's the thing. So Ray calls my mom and he says, hey, how's it going, Chris? And she goes, uh, hello? And then he goes, and then she goes, who is this? And he goes, it's me. She goes, I don't know who that,

now he's completely fucked up our experiment because we're five steps away from him saying how are you and getting a she still said not good yeah she didn't say any she does she did not you already want anyways i was like then now here's what i like here's the part of life that i enjoy the most this is for me drew the artichoke has a heart. This is the heart of life for me. When Ray then hangs up the phone and I go, fucking Ray, you're calling my mom. She doesn't know who the fuck you are.

You don't have a relationship at all with her. If I called your mom, I wouldn't just go, hey Barbara, how's it going? I'd say this Adam Carolla, friend of your son Drew Pinsky. Anyway, here's my question. You know, I wouldn't, I'd lay it all out right at the fucking front of the thing. I would never just fucking call her. I mean, you would have followed up with, hey, it's me. What the hell? So here's what I like. But again, my favorite part of life, the fucking, the artichoke heart, and the filling at the bottom of the yogurt, for me,

this part, where he then hangs up the phone, and I go, Ray, what the fuck, why wouldn't you say it's you? I talk to her all the time. Well, evidently, you don't talk to her. Just based on that interaction, you guys aren't that chatty. Like, I love when they make their own argument But I just saw the result of your fucking argument, which is she don't know where the fuck you are so how what do you mean you talk all the time and

Why are you trying that with me like you think I'm gonna go my bad? I did not know that you guys corresponded that on a regular basis Who do you talk to all the time where you don't know who the fuck they are? That's the question. Why did you have to pay? Why'd I have to pay what? You said you paid him a thousand dollars. No, I never paid him.

Oh, they said I gave him a thousand dollars. No, I said I would give him a thousand. You would give him a thousand. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah, good, because he lost. No, so his argument when he hung up. Oh, he thought he won? No, no.

I was yelling at him for fucking up my experiment by not? Announcing his fucking name in front of my 80 year old mom who he never speaks to his argument was they speak all the time My argument was twofold one is evidently you don't because she didn't recognize your voice number one number two What are you doing fucking my mom? Like what are you talking my mom about? Oh, we talk all the time, really? Doesn't she love when you do this with people? You go, you talk all the time? When's the last time you called her? It's been a couple of, a few weeks, few weeks?

Oh, maybe a couple of months, few months? So it's May, would you say you talked to her in March? And by the way, when you engage in that kind of conversation, you never do that, was it two weeks? Or was it, last time. I was like last time Tell me last time. Mm-hmm. How many weeks exactly when and they're Tell me right anyway, right, okay Fucking goofball people are wired such a weird way. It's a non-human way. All right, you have calls you like through

Let's work our way through that one. Yeah, Rob human way. All right, you have calls you like through? Let's work our way through. Start at one? Yeah. Rob. 18. Hey, Rob. You should know, by the way, my mom made the proclamation

yesterday that she was still looking, she wanted my book. Looking for it still. Not looking for it, wants me to give her the book. Book's been out for over a year. Well over a year now. This is the one you don't want her to read, right? Right, so evidently I'm not providing her with this book that she's been asking for for over a year.

This is how efficient my family runs. She asks me every time I see her, where's my book? My answer is, I don't have one on me. And then we move on. Now she can get one used on Amazon for $6.99. I'm sure. Would she ever do that? No.

Why not? Does she want to read the book? Yeah, but she's entitled to a copy. Oh, interesting. But doesn't she know that if she bought 10 copies and gave it out to her friends, that would benefit her son? How dare you. Sorry.

Way out of line. Hey, Rob. Hey, thank you guys so much for doing my call. Sure. What's up? New Jersey, 18. What's going on? New Jersey, 18.

What's going on? All right. Me and my girlfriend, this is our first relationship for both of us. We're like three months in right now. We've been trying to like, you know, have sex and stuff. But she has like severe anxiety or whatever. Her parents really messed her up. And every time I try to do something, she tells me stop, stop, stop, please, please, please. So I stop. And she goes, no, I don't want you to stop. And I go, all right, but we can't be doing this all the time. I literally spent three hours and nothing happened

because she keeps on telling me to stop and then when I stop, he tells me to go again. And she ends up in fear. Yeah, Rob, what do you mean her parents really screwed her up? What does that mean? It's like fight over the littlest things. She's really skinny, she has this,

she's like 100 pounds maybe. I can't be yellow if we eat Oreos and stuff. I don't know, they're crazy. All right, here's the deal, Rob. She's not ready yet. She's got a lot of stuff going on. You don't want to make her worse. She is not ready for sex.

And when she says no, respect that, that's it. Also, parents fighting about little things is probably not what we're talking about here. Yeah. There's something going on. Yeah, there's other kinds of enmeshments in this family, no doubt. And she's an unhappy girl.

She's going to have anxiety. And she's not ready yet for this. So let her be. But you might want to steer her towards some therapy, because it sounds like there's anorexia here. And it sounds like there's a lot of stuff that went on that runs a lot deeper than a little domestic squabble. Yes treatment treatment treatment. What name is that? It's Teresa. Is that Teresa? Oh it is Teresa. That's what it looks like. That's what it looks

like. Do you go through your whole life having people thinking it's Teresa? No, I'm from the Netherlands and I didn't have that problem there. I did have it here in America. Yes, they call me Teresa and Teresa and all that. Interesting. Oh, but in the Netherlands that's a more common name. Yeah, a little more common in here, yes. Alright. You're calling from Tennessee.

Correct. How did you go from the Netherlands? What part of Tennessee? Nashville from Tennessee. Correct. How did you go from the Netherlands? What part of Tennessee? Nashville, Tennessee. How did you go from... Yeah, it's a long story. It was a relationship. Anyway, I'm still here.

I'm stuck here for some reason. What do you think? About what, Nashville? Where are you from in the Netherlands? Utrecht. It's right in the middle. It's like 30 minutes from Amsterdam. It's a college town.

It's really cool. So how does it compare to where you are from? From the Netherlands? Yeah. From the Netherlands? Yeah. From the Netherlands? Yeah. From the Netherlands? Utrecht is right in the middle. It's like 30 minutes from Amsterdam. It's a college town. It's really cool.

So how does it compare to where you are from Nashville? I wanna first go over here. I thought I landed in the boonies in a redneck area and now it's grown a little bit. So it's getting a little more urban, but at first I had the shock of my life. But it's better now. All right so your question is what?

Okay my question is it's a serious question. I like when I masturbate or anything and you know I have try to have an orgasm on myself it's not hard but I always think about females and I don't consider myself to be a lesbian. I mean I'm sure I like to have sex with women but I'm you know consider myself to be a lesbian. I mean I I'm sure I like that sex of women But I'm you know consider myself to be a heterosexual woman But when I masturbate all I want to think about is a female and then I can come really easily Don't repeat it. Oh, we got here easy like that unless she's from the other one. She's not uptight. Uh you know I

think there's two types of fantasies when it comes to masturbating. I think they're the folks who do the fantasy of, wow, I've seen that beautiful woman on TV. I would like to fantasize that I'm having sex with that beautiful woman on TV or from wherever. And then, men and women, there's a straightforward just, geez, I think Ryan Gosling's a hunk. I'm going to masturbate to having sex with Ryan Gosling. I'm talking about myself. Yeah, of course.

And then there's one that turns, and I think a lot of people are affected with this, where there's a certain deviant aspect to it, like a certain element of, well, let's just call it daddy would not like to see this. You know what I mean? Where you're thinking about something that is, maybe even something you wouldn't want. You know what I'm saying? While I agree with you that these kinds of, what people are looking for is higher levels of arousal, so to get them going. Right.

It's like saying, I want to go, when you go to a movie, you go to a movie where there's a meteor that's plunging toward Earth and things are blowing up, Tokyo's been hit by tsunami. You don't want that. Right. You want to see it though. You want the arousal, yeah.

You want the arousal. While I agree with you, that's not what this is. This is something that I would say, maybe even a majority of women do, which is women are just more sexually appealing oftentimes. They're more sexual, they're more pretty, and so a lot of women get off thinking about women. That happens all the time.

It has nothing to do with their sexual orientation. Well, not only are they that, but when we're trying to sell beer to dudes, we don't put good-looking dudes on the posters, and when we're trying to sell tools, we don we don't put good looking dudes on the posters and we're trying to sell tools. We don't put good looking chicks on the posters. It's always, femininity is the, you know, that's the sexual target we're all aiming for.

When you're trying to sell tools, you do put good looking women on there. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. What I'm saying is, when we try to sell something to a woman, like perfume, we put a beautiful woman in the commercial. When we're trying to sell male stuff to men, we put a beautiful woman.

Exactly. Beautiful woman is the go-to. The universal sexuality. All right, that's it. But if you're going to get a meeting together, you're going to go to meeting. It's something we use here all the time. Great transition.

Adam, I use it. I use it. Your transition was, but. Go to Meeting with HD Faces by Citrix. It makes it easy for the entire team to get together online. You get a high definition video conference at the same time as you can put documents up on the screen and share and work on one another's documents.

Built in HD video conferencing, just like being in the same room. You can launch or join a meeting from any computer, smartphone, tablet, even an iPad. Try GoToMeeting that is free for 30 days. Visit gotomeeting.com. Click the Try It Free button. Use the promo code ADAM, A-D-A-M, to get your free 30-day trial of GoToMeeting. It is amazing. Let me say this. The thing I was going to tell you about Prager and being happy and the moral obligation of being happy, which again we've all worked with, been roommates with, sometimes had family members who were just generally miserable and it bums out everyone around them. He said this, and I found this quite, I found it moving.

He said, when something catastrophic happens in your life, basically there's no excuse not to just be happy on a daily basis because there's nothing going wrong in your life. And when something catastrophic happens in your life something horrible happens to you or family member you get in a horrible car accident next you know you're confined to a wheelchair and that's will you remain for the remainder of your days you look back and you don't long for those trips to Disneyland you just want

these simple things in life I want to get out of bed and go walk into the kitchen without having to get into this wheelchair. I want to just take a shower without having somebody assist me. You know, I want to just go walk to my car, climb in my car, and drive my car to wherever my next appointment is without the special van. The stuff that you long for are the simple, normal things in life. It's not, oh, I miss going to Legoland and riding on a zip line. You don't miss that. You could do without that. It's the very basic get up out of the studio, go walk into the other part, make fun of the porcelain puncher,

and then go walk out to my car. That is what I would miss. Picking up my kids and swinging them around is what I would miss. You know, the super basic elements of life. Thus. Enjoy them while you got them. We all have that now.

But yet, we're off to the next complaint. No, I just did a podcast with Pat O'Brien, and we talked a lot about gratitude. That we don't feel grateful for what we got Yes, yes we should because this is it and if you're not in that wheelchair or Wherever you may end up these it's these simple things Maybe even look at them as a nuisance like after this

I got to go to the hardware store and pick up a bunch of shit and then run over to the house. No, you would long to do that without the assistance of your special van that's operated by your eyelids. All right. Is Terse still there? Terse? Three. The good news is in Tennessee it can sound like people are just fucking up Teresa, right? Terse, is that answer for you? Ter right? Is that answer for you?

Is that an answer for you? Yes, that was half-life. You're fine. Okay, good. Let's take an extendo break. No? Okay. Yeah.

Okay. We'll do that. We'll put the other calls on hold and we'll roll them over. Thank you so much for tuning in. Thank you so much for spreading the word. Thank you so much for supporting the show. You know what to do. You hit the PayPal button and subscribe.

So until next time, this is Adam Kroll for Dr. Drew, Chris Maxipatta and Gary Haftar saying mahalo. Sayin', mahalo. ["The Last Post," by John Williams playing on TV-Rollercoaster audio player, with a fast, fast-paced beat and a fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast,

fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast fans like me. And TV fans like me. They've got something for everyone, and it's free. I love free.

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