THE ADAM BUXTON PODCAST - EP.1 - 'HOLIDAY BUFFET' WITH LOUIS THEROUX

Episode Date: September 15, 2015

Adam Buxton talks to Louis Theroux about holiday buffet etiquette, then checks in briefly with BaaadDad (Adam's father Nigel) to get his facts straight. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I added one more podcast to the giant podcast bin. Now you have plucked that podcast out and started listening. I took my microphone and found some human folk. Then I recorded all the noises while we spoke. My name is Adam Buxton. I'm a man. I want you to enjoy this, that's the plan. Hello, I'm Adam Buxton, and today is Sunday the 13th of September 2015. Excuse me, I'm in a field, 15 minutes outside of Norwich in the countryside.

And that's where I am right now. I am walking the dog. And she's called Rosie. I've actually, currently I've lost her. Or she's up ahead somewhere. I trust her though. She's a nice person. Hey Rosie, there you are. I was just talking about you. Hey, Rosie, there you are. I was just talking about you. And she is... she's black. Or at least she identifies as black. No, she is black.

And she is a half... what is she? Half... I don't know much about dogs and I always get a little confused. To me, she's just Rosie. But I think if you're interested, she's half whippet and half poodle. And what is that? A pipette. Pipette. Some people say a woodle. I find that to be a little stomach churning. So, you know, pipette is more scientific.

Rosie, you're going the wrong way I'm going up this way yeah, she took notice of that, she's coming look at that we've got quite a bond listen, listen how are you doing, Rosie? I'm introducing this podcast. How do you think it's going?

Yeah, she thinks it's pretty great. So this podcast, what can I tell you about it? Well, I hope it's going to become a regular thing. I love podcasts and listening to them and doing them, doing the jingles. Mainly I miss doing the jingles. I started taping a few conversations with friends and people I like and am interested in last year. And I've only just got round to editing some of them. And one of those conversations is featured in this week's episode.

It is with Louis Theroux, the journalist and documentarian. He's an old friend of mine and I've leaned on him many times for this kind of thing. This time we were in his garage in Los Angeles. This was last year when I went out to do some live shows out there and Louis and his family were living in the extremely cool area of Los Feliz, well as I speak it's extremely cool, lots of groovy attractive people wandering around doing creative things and Louis and I had a few brief chat rambles about silly nonsense. This one was about a piece of buffet etiquette that I had been indulging in while I was on holiday with my family a few weeks before I spoke to Louis. And I wanted to check his response to see if he felt that it was appropriate.

I was a little surprised by his reaction. felt that it was appropriate. I was a little surprised by his reaction. And after that conversation, I then speak to my father. There's a short conversation with me and my dad, Nigel Buxton, aka Bad Dad. Just cross-checking with him a few facts, because I lay the blame for my behaviour at his door, somewhat somewhat because of the way that he used to behave when we were growing up. Anyway, all that will become clear. I hope you enjoy this. If you feel moved to make a friendly and constructive comment about this podcast, I'd be delighted. And you can do that, I suppose, by leaving a comment on the SoundCloud page, or you could send me a message via Twitter. I don't know if you've heard of Twitter. It's great.

It gives you 140 characters to express all kinds of profound nuances and difficult ideas. And it very seldom results in confusion and hurt feelings. It's brilliant. So you can do that, and I'll do my best to get back to you if I can. Otherwise, that's it. Hope you enjoy this. I'll speak to you more later on in the podcast. But for now, here we go. While we were in Cyprus at this kind of package deal hotel, you'd get two meals included in the deal, right? Yeah. So you could choose breakfast, lunch or dinner.

All of them were a kind of big all-you-can-eat buffet situation. So we would choose to have the free breakfast buffet and then the dinner buffet. I worked out that if we got the free breakfast and I took my rucksack down, I would be able to load this rucksack slash hobo bag with enough food for a delicious lunchtime picnic and my children were a little bit embarrassed about that and i remember that i used to be embarrassed when my dad used to do it he used to do that my dad used to do it which is presumably one of the reasons that i think it's

acceptable but do you think that that kind of behavior is acceptable or is that i mean clearly it's taking the piss like it's on the taking the piss spectrum yes i would agree um but i would say in a defendable way i think it really i think it's one of those things where it depends on um what the vibe is and whether you feel as though, well, they're taking the piss out of me a bit by how much they're charging for the breakfast buffet. So I'm well within my rights to take a couple of rolls, a couple of bananas. What about 20? Some pastries.

20 rolls? 20 rolls, different different hues shapes well like i say like if they're really charging exorbitant because some of these places you have to sign up for the buffet and and it's crazy money but what if it's a struggling you know mom and pop uh resort and they're on the edge their margins are very thin and you know you know, you could conceivably, if everyone was nicking rolls, then you'd put them out of business. No one would want that, right?

No, I wouldn't do that to mum and pop. No, so you've got to choose, you've got to sort of take the temperature a bit, don't you? Yeah. I think, were you really literally taking about 20 rolls? Why would you take 20? That's too much for a picnic. No, not 20 But 10

So I've got three children Plus me and my wife So that's alright That's a couple of rolls each for lunch A lot of it's also like How embarrassed Like to some extent It's like how embarrassed would you be?

Like if you feel as though A waiter would stop you And you go like Because the bag is the thing, isn't it? That you brought a bag Well, it was just my rucksack That I would have anyway Which was a bag? Yeah, it was just my rucksack that I would have anyway. Which was a bag?

Yeah, it's not like a giant. But you were stuffing your bag full. I wasn't going up there and shoveling them into the bag. I was doing it very subtly. So I was making several... The question isn't about how subtle you were. What is it then? That really is, pardon me, but it's beside the point.

But you were saying it depends on the situation. Well, it does. So the subtlety is surely germane. The bag's important because you talked about it as a bag of booty. If someone saw you doing it, would you feel ashamed? If someone came up to you and said, we would typically take a couple of bananas and oranges and maybe a couple of rolls. And if someone said, what are you doing? You'd be like, are you serious? I'm taking a few rolls take a couple of bananas and oranges and maybe a couple of rolls. And if someone said, like, what are you doing?

You'd be like, are you serious? Like, I'm taking a few rolls and a couple of bananas. Come on. Yeah. Don't be ridiculous. But if you had a bag and it was stuffed full of 20 rolls, like, and bananas and sweet meats and different cuts of salami. And they said, what are you doing? And you said, look, i've just got a bag stuffed

full of 20 rolls you you would feel slightly ashamed and so in a way doesn't that that would tell you wouldn't it would it i just think that to a certain degree there are sort of uh social barriers in place for all kinds of reasons. And I would say in this situation, this is not a mom-and-pop operation. This is a large hotel chain. I justified this because you're right. Of course, if someone,

if the maitre d' or whatever comes over and says, I couldn't help noticing you are stuffing your bag full of the food from the buffet. This is not cool. And please could you put it back? Don't put it back, actually. I don't want you to put that food back. But don't ever do that again, please.

Thank you, sir. Thank you. If you did that, yeah, I would be well embarrassed. You would be. But I was gambling that they would not do that because they would be more embarrassed than I would doing that. Well, they want, you know, the customer's king, so they don't want you to feel awkward. Yeah. Also, I mean, listen, I wasn't absolutely filling this back.

I was taking as much as I thought we would need for our picnic lunch, right? Yeah. The main reason I justified it to myself was because of the astronomical waste that you get on those things. At the end of each... You were doing it for the good of the planet. Why didn't you say so? You were saving the planet. I was trying to save the planet.

That puts a whole different complexion on things. Listen, don't you think that is... Well, you should have taken even more. You should have gone down and given it to some hobos. I feel like I should have done. Take them to a soup kitchen. You're not going to take that point seriously. No.

What? At the end of each buffet meal they are going to throw away the incredible amount you should have said like at the end of the buffet you should i'm not buying the buffet but i'd like to rifle through your bins and if they said well you can pay for a buffet like everyone else you said yeah but it's just going to waste and then you wouldn't have had to spend any money it's a you should what you should really have been doing is making yourself and your family just eat such a big breakfast because while you're on the premise give me that you've got children you know what it's like just say like they say daddy i'm full

and my tummy hurts i'm like no yeah you've got to keep eating because there's no lunch. And we can't steal this food. But as long as we're here. Don't use the word steal. We're not allowed to steal, burgle. Stockpile. We can't do that because it's illegal. But as long as we're here, we can keep eating.

And stay there until, like, 11 o'clock, 11.15, whatever time breakfast finishes being served. And then you can cook. That's your plan, is it? You're going to force your children to sit there crying, saying, I don't want to eat. I'm full, Dad. I don't want to eat. Keep eating. I think nicking a bit of fruit's all right in a couple of hours.

I think it's all in the degree. We went on the subject of hotels. And we were at quite an expensive resort hotel in Tenerife, and we stayed there over New Year's Eve. And on New Year's Eve, they said, and would you like to sign up to the formal dinner? And it goes past midnight, and blah, blah, blah. And I thought, well, we've got two kids, small kids, but probably not. And it looks quite expensive.

How much is it? Well, it is a mere 600 pounds or some insane like absolutely exorbitant amount of money right but it is a five course meal and you get a free champagne like a really absurd over-the-top banquet and there's live entertainment and it's formal wear and you have to wear a suit and tie. We said, well, I think we're maybe, I'm thinking like not in a million years. I said, well, I think maybe we're not going to do that.

We're just eating at a cafe. The cafe is closed on New Year's Eve, sir, just so you know. And so are all the other dining facilities. And the only food on premises is the formal banquet. That's not on. And I remember thinking, they've got us. This is absurd. But let me look at you. You're remember thinking, they've got us, but this is absurd. But let me look at your,

like most people, it's part of their package. Like, we really look at your tariff and I think it is included in your tariff. I'm sure it is. And then he looks at our package and sure enough, it's not included.

So you've got all these Belgians and Germans who are coming down, having the banquet, but it's rolled into their package, right? And we're having to pay probably a thousand pounds for the four of us to take part. So I think like, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not having that. And then one of the other people at the desk sort of winked at me and said, just between us, sir, you can possibly.

Like a few of the guests are illegally arranging to have pizza brought to them. But they're eating it in their rooms. And it's brought up by a taxi service. And they're not allowed on the premises. So you have to meet a taxi around the block and illegally smuggle in pizza. But it was a very satisfying feeling. Of course, we didn't pay for the banquet. We just ate pizza in our room, having met them around the block.

But the lengths you had to go to in order to not be gouged. But did that pizza taste oh so sweet? It was amazing. Because this is the thing. Our picnic lunches were way more fantastical. Maybe it was just in my mind. But the children seemed to enjoy them as well. We had a pretty great, great time.

We'd go up to the room there, lay out some towels. There's like a makeshift picnic blanket on the bed. For pitting fruit. Exactly. Unwrap the salamis, butter up some rolls, and bongo, free lunch. Thanks very much. And a free lunch that probably, let me remind you one more time, would have ended up in the bin had I not liberated it from the heaving bouffier.

Would you steal, steal, would you stockpile towels from a hotel? No, I wouldn't stockpile towels. That's totally different. If you've got a big free buffet and all you can eat. You would stockpile toiletries. I mean, I went, last time I stayed in a posh hotel in Palm Springs it was, and they had really nice oh is it what's it called uh oxytan is that one of them it's like oh i know what you mean like a like a body wash thing is it yeah but it's like from the south of france and um they've got all these amazing lavender infused body washes and yeah and conditioners and so i thought that's that goes with the room

i mean it's part of what you're paying for yeah so i just all basically there were three soaps and three little body and i just nicked them i didn't nick them i took them took them and um but then i was thinking i like those towels as well but i don't think the towels is part of the room is it it's different sometimes they put um signs in the rooms saying mate if you want a towel you can pay for one and you can take it as a souvenir or the robes that's the other thing they put the robes up i think half the time deliberately knowing that you'll nick them and they'll charge you and they'll charge you for i don't think they can keep track of how many towels there i think you could easily do it yeah and so I think that in your moral universe, that should be kosher.

Because also you're saving the environment there as well. Hotels can be quite cynical though as far as the whole environment thing goes and what they choose to make you pay for, what they choose to make you feel guilty for taking. It's a completely movable feast and they'll do in a very cynical way whatever it takes just to get the best result for themselves. The classic example, of course, being the whole business of coming into your room. And I can't believe that hotels still do this.

Coming into your room and finding the television has been left switched on simply because they want the room to feel lively or maybe because they want you to have the excitement of seeing your name on the screen which they've typed in there do you ever get that no own i think i've only seen that in places like vegas where there is tv advertising of the basically the spa yeah it's like that that they offer i mean it happens in all kinds of hotels from very cheap to uh slightly more expensive but i go in there and i think oh you've left the tv i'm because that winds me up at home when the children leave the tv on right because you just think i have it in my head that that is a big uh energy drain which it isn't is it not not really really not really no because my dad used to drill that into me that it was like

it's like a bit more than a bulb i think think. Really? Yeah. I mean, when you're talking energy, you're talking anything that heats water is a big deal. Right, the kettle, all the lights dim. Kettle, water heater, heating. But things like computer TV, it's like maybe, what, like 1p an hour or something? Shut up. You just plucked that from nowhere just to make me look bad. Have you never had one of those monitors? No, people have those.

I'd love to get one. It's so much fun. It changes your world when you get one. Right. You can basically, and then when you get one, the first thing you do is try and make it go as high as possible. By turning everything on. Just because you're like, whoa, I just turned the kettle on

and it's going mental. And then you think, I wonder what happens if you have the kettle on and you put the heating on. An energy party. Anyway, I still have it in my head that that is a wasteful thing to do. I would feel it was wasteful if the lights were all left on as well. You know what I mean? Yeah. Regardless.

But it's the principle of the thing so you go into your hotel room the tv is on and then in the bathroom they've got their little stupid sign saying oh can you not have any clean towels can you keep reusing the same grubby towel and and uh sheets because we're trying to save the planet i like i like those signs why because i think um actually it is ridiculous because if you stay in a hotel, they change the sheets every day. And no one in the normal world changes their sheets every day. No. So why should you do it in a hotel?

I agree. To me, it's the towels that are more important. But the towels are the same thing. No one changes their towel every day, do they? So in a hotel, they sort of feel it's incumbent on them to do that. But then maybe what they should say, look, if you want to save the environment, we will hang up your towel and we'll take $5 off the bill too. Yeah, that would be nice.

There we go. That would be ideal. But they don't say that. I mean, I would just like to stress that I don't want the clean towels and I don't want the clean sheets. But I just think having that little sign trying to tweak your feelings of guilt about wasting energy when they've left the TV on. Well, forget the TV because the amount that's used on cleaning a towel would be a lot more. But they're not trying to make you guilty.

All right. You've disassembled my... But isn't that interesting that you feel accused i always feel accused don't you i feel accused and guilty all over the place i don't tend to like i i've been getting over this with like with homeless like the whole thing about why are there homeless people like asking me for money don't they have any self-respect there's a little like there's a nasty little voice in your head that says that and then i was thinking like well they're asking for money they're not saying i have to give them money and

maybe that's okay you know like i'm not going to give you any money but but crack on keep doing what you do and i'm going to keep doing what i do you know yeah like he's not making me guilty like any guilt that i feel is something i'm creating so you just you just do you're doing a great job that sounds a little bit callous doesn't it it's just like just don't feel like just feel what you want to feel yeah i know i know what you're saying i do know don't get angry about it that there's a homeless man sure like he's just doing what he does well it's not a question of feeling angry it's a question of feeling sad about the way that how fucked the world is and how right up in your face all the inequity of the world is

you know and you feel you're trying to by giving them some money you're trying to say mate we're all in it together you know i'm sorry you know what i mean oh let me think about that is that what you feel i do feel i feel like i'm not going to just walk right past you but i don't i always say hello yeah you don't ignore you say keep doing what you're doing like treat them like people which is what they are like how are you doing all right yeah no so i'm not going to give you any money oh maybe that's the wrong thing. Well, there's no right thing to do. Then you hear about people like Russell Brand

and he's like, he goes out and gives them 20 pound notes and stuff. I'm not going to start drawing up a set of life rules by what Russell Brand does. I'm sorry, much as I like him, but he's got his own issues. I don't know.

I thought I had it figured out. But then some people, you know, some people argue very strongly, don't they, that it's a bad idea to give people... Like, I was at a round for dinner with someone the other day, and there was one person at the table there who brought up the whole business of giving to charities, and she went off on one about Live Aid and all that, and saying how Live Aid was the beginning of a disastrous wave of people feeling obliged to donate to charities which were the worst thing.

She travelled extensively in third world countries and she argued very passionately and strongly that it was a cataclysm because of charities getting involved and people, celebs getting involved. I think there's something in that. Yeah. I mean, I think that has some... My dad definitely thinks that. I think there is something in the idea that we've created a kind of victim status

for the countries that we try to help. You know, the idea of helping is, in itself, sometimes a bit problematic it's a big topic it's a massive one isn't it topic what what i should do was go that you know live aid was going on during a civil war right and the the ethiopian uh president at the time was waging a war against a breakaway uh state called eritrea right and so while they we in the west were raising money for to feed the starving masses he was spending money on tanks and guns and so forth so that and i don't think you can divorce those two those two things that were happening so in a sense we were letting

you say okay you go out you buy the tanks and we'll we'll we'll feed the people but it was it was fundamentally a political problem yeah but i mean for most people in the street it comes down to what are you going to do are you just gonna watch that news report on the 10 o'clock news with those people starving and or watch that thing on live aid where they played the car's drive over the top of it. Right. Are you going to sit there and just ignore that? I mean, that's hard to do.

Also, it creates this idea that there used to be jokes about, oh, it's an Ethiopian restaurant and the portions are very small. Or, you know, that kind of, like, actually, what do people do in Ethiopia except starve? I know what you mean, yeah. I think that image that's been created of Ethiopia still hasn't really been displaced. You know, that it's a place where people starve.

And actually, and in Africa in general, we just see it as a disaster zone. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, I don't want to get off my soapbox for a minute. What they need is... The Chinese are going in there and actually striking deals and pay and buying up mines and natural resources, possibly in a predatory way,

but there's a whole different dynamic to how they've approached... It's almost as though by being self-interested, they've actually created an ongoing way for it to... Some kind of sustainable sustainable economic opportunities well listen next time there's some kind of major problem what they should do is get buckles to go to the buffet with this hobo bag yeah load up and distribute some rolls because that i think is going to sort a lot of the problems. Wow, that was quite a weak callback there

to get out of a uncomfortably serious conversational zone. Anyway, so I had my conversation with Louis and I came away from it feeling unsettled because, as I said before, I was forced to reassess my behaviour. I began to feel embarrassed by it and feel that actually here I was, a man in his mid 40s with young children and setting a very bad example by the way I behaved. But then I thought, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a second. Maybe Louis is just being snooty, you know, because he finds it enjoyable. And actually what I should do is check with my breakfast buffet etiquette guru, my dad. Now, my dad used to be on the TV show that I did in the 90s with Joe Cornish over

here in the UK called The Adam and Joe Show. He was our pop culture correspondent on the program. So me and Joe would go off to music festivals with him and film him in the mosh pit of a Foo Fighters show or having a toke on a joint at a dance festival or going out to Ibiza to sample the club scene. And sometimes he would review singles and things like that. And he was then in his 70s. He is now, as I record this, aged 90. And a few weeks after I got back from Los Angeles, he and my brother David came over for supper one evening.

And after dinner was finished, we started chatting about my trip. And I told him that I'd seen Louis and described the conversation to him. And this was his reaction. Here with my dad, Nigel Buxton, a.k.a. Bad Dad. 90 years old, a month ago, hope he doesn't mind me saying, probably he can't hear, so it's fine, because I don't think he's put his hearing aid in, but we're having some supper, and I just told him about the conversation I had with Louis, and the fact that I said, you know, I confessed to Louis that I was taking away all these bits and pieces from the breakfast buffet,

and that was a trick that I'd got off him, and so this is his reaction. I deny it entirely. I would think that's extremely bad. It's the same class of Germans coming down with their towels and occupying the beach in the morning. I mean, now you've made me sound more sympathetic because you've made it a class issue. So that's good. In a way, I'm a class warrior now. Also, there's a little bit of racism in there as well. But you used to come back with doggy bags, right? Stuff full of goodies?

Not at all. I may have come back with what appeared to you to be doggy bags, but they were bags full of goodies, which I acquired at considerable expense. What? You never snaffled a few things from the buffet? No, I never ever in my life snaffled things from the buffet. Very bad behaviour indeed. Really bad behaviour. All right. This is... OK, I need to do some thinking.

What is the problem then with the... If you've got a large, all-you-can-eat breakfast buffet and they are going to be throwing about half of that in the bin at the end of the session what is the problem with creaming off some some extra buns for lunch when you theorize that they're going to be throwing about half of it away in order to justify your bad behaviour. I'm not theorising. They definitely would, because they wouldn't recycle it. It's all fresh each session. Well, just supposing that everyone did what you did, it would be absolutely shambles. Greed would rule the roost. You see, I don't like the word greed,

because there are people who are taking far more than we were at the roost. You see, I don't like the word greed. Because there are people who are taking far more than we were at the actual table and having a massive, massive breakfast, right? So what's the problem with me just removing some of it from the actual breakfast table and having it later in the room? Well, it's really hard to

say, but it's just not the done thing. Yeah, but is that the done thing in a kind of Downton Abbey sense in which it's very very vulgar well in that case I don't mind because if I'm going against Downton Abbey then I'm absolutely fine I'm not all that familiar with Downton Abbey but it sounds to me as though Downton Abbey is showing off civilized behavior and yours is uncivilised. All right, then.

So, there you go. Looks as if I've got to make some changes to my behaviour. I'm looking forward to that, of course. That's it for today's inaugural edition of this Adam Buxton podcast. I really hope you enjoyed listening to it. Thank you very much to Louis Theroux and to my dad for allowing me to take those conversations. My plane is arriving. I don't know if you can hear that there. Just to take me to Hollywood, where I'm going to take over

from Joe. He's got bored with the whole film business and he's going to come back here and look after my family while I go, I fly out first class to do some meetings with ponces. That's all he told me. Anyway. Oh, there's a second plane that's the supply plane for the first plane that's carrying all the special food that I need and all the video games

that I want to play on the plane so listen I should go I should go because they're going to be landing very shortly and take care

I'll see you soon I hope cheers bye this is an advert for Squarespace. Every time I visit your website, I see success. Yes, success. The way that you look at the world makes the world want to say yes. It looks very professional. I love browsing your videos and pics, and I don't want to stop.

And I'd like to access your members area and spend in your shop. These are the kinds of comments people will say about your website if you build it with Squarespace. Just visit squarespace.com slash Buxton for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, because you will want to launch, use the offer code BUXTON to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. So put the smile of success on your face with Squarespace. Yes. Hey, now, we all love websites, right? But imagine how hard it would be to make one.

It would be very hard. Which is why SpareSquaze is offering you the chance to create your own website out of spare wood. That's right, wood, the honest-to-goodness alternative to ones and zeros. When you send off for a SpareSquace package, you'll receive a bag of wood and all the tools that you need to turn that wood into what looks like a website. There's glue, a marker pen and scissors to help you cut out pictures and text for your website. Then, once you've assembled all the elements, you just drag and drop them on the wood. In fact, you don't need to drag them, you can just place them on the wood

and make them stay there with the glue or if you prefer saliva and of course this is one website you don't need broadband to access because it's made of wood making what looks like a website just got a lot easier thanks to spare squace they don't even sponsor this podcast, by the way. I just wanted to tell you about them. Spare Squace.