THE ADAM BUXTON PODCAST - EP.11 - JOE CORNISH

Episode Date: December 23, 2015

NOT the Adam & Joe Christmas podcast, but a warm up! Adam solicits advice from Joe on his stand up material, is denied full Tom Cruise anecdote satisfaction and hears some of Joe's TV and film highlights from 2015. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This podcast contains swearing and blaspheming, and it's not appropriate for younger listeners. The next podcast on Christmas Day should be okay for younger members of the family, but this one should be switched off immediately. I added one more podcast to the giant podcast bin. Now you have plucked that podcast out and started listening. I took my microphone and found some human folk. Then I recorded all the noises while we spoke. My name is Adam Buxton.

I'm a man. And I want you to enjoy this, that's the plan. Hey, how you doing friends? Adam Buxton here. It is a spectacularly beautiful morning out here in East Angula. I'm walking Rosie and I can't believe it's Christmas week oh my Christmas week 2015 this podcast and the next will feature

contributions from my old friend and TV and radio partner Joe Cornish. And he was with me over the weekend recording some stuff, but we also recorded a chat a few weeks ago, two or three weeks ago or something, and that's what you're going to hear today. So it's a sort of a warm-up chat, different in tone to the one that you will hear on Christmas Day. That's when I'm planning to deliver the next podcast, the Christmas podcast.

Today's one is more of a silly ramble about just nothing really and also some cultural highlights from the year mainly film and tv recommendations from jay corn and but i can't remember one or two from me i'm not sure anyway it's been a real treat for me seeing more of Joe than I normally would these last few weeks and it's been a great help as well because as some of you may know my dad died at the end of November bad dad he was if you used to watch the show that we did me and joe back in the day on channel four he was uh we kind of cast him as our youth correspondent well it was louis in fact louis through who suggested to us that it would be funny if we got my dad to

review hip-hop records was the original idea and then it evolved into him um reviewing all kinds of uh hang on i'm just going to open the gate that's real sounds there that's not that's not from the sound effect library that is actual country anyway yes my dad um so yeah we kind of got him to review pop songs and then we sent him out into the field, as it were, taking him with us to festivals, V97 and tribal gathering and we went out to LA with him and he met and hung out with Coolio and his rapping gang and we had a wonderful time doing that show with him and it was great for me to be able to add an extra dimension to my relationship with him as his son because he was a I mean the whole joke on the Adam and Joe show. Was that. He was a guy who was. From an entirely different world.

And so there was an element of. For me anyway. Trying to show him. The value in some of these things that. I enjoyed and. That was an element of it. But also it was just kind of. A way to be silly, which he did a great job of. He was always a wonderful sport.

A lot of you have sent me very kind messages on Twitter and other social media. And I really appreciate those. It's been a surprising outpouring of real warmth and affection from people and it's been very heartening and emotional. I'm sad now talking about it. But it wasn't unexpected. You know, he was 91 years old when he died But it wasn't unexpected. You know, he was 91 years old when he died. And it's not one of those bereavements that is tragic in a way. I mean, I guess you could say the end of someone's life is always kind of tragic for them and for the people they leave behind. But it's not like, you know, someone dying very young or getting ill very young that that's something truly tragic um we had a year or so to adjust to the fact that he wasn't

going to be with us much longer he was diagnosed with cancer towards the end of 2014 and given a fairly bleak prognosis which um he proved wrong I'm glad to say he lived quite a lot longer than the doctors said he would but he was very keen not to go into hospital and there wasn't really in his case much point in getting treatment so he came and he lived with us out here in Norfolk as you can imagine it was quite difficult in lots of ways I'm sure many of you have cared for people who are ill or dying and uh boy it's different and harder than you think it'll be, isn't it? In some ways, and easier in other ways. Oh, it's windy, man. I don't know if you can hear that. I'm walking right into the,

right into the gale. All right, gale? Anyway, yes, sorry, I was going off the rather serious subject of caring for people. And I'm lucky in lots of ways, you know, and I've got the support network. My wife mainly provided me with invaluable emotional and practical support and made it possible for me to continue with my professional engagements, etc. And, of course, the rest of my family, Uncle Dave and my Ma and my sister, helped. And, boy, the NHS helped. Good Lord. I mean, we've got it good in this country, I really do think. I know it's a difficult political area in a lot of ways but man i would have been totally stuffed it wouldn't have been possible really if

it wasn't for the nhs and for the nurses and doctors that came and helped us out and really i mean it was very from that point of view incredibly smooth and everything worked and god those people are incredible I mean it sounds it's a cliche isn't it but they they really are and I often had to resist the temptation just to give them a hug and not let go. Sorry, it's later on. I just paused the recording device there because I was momentarily overwhelmed with emotion. You know, it's just the intro of the podcast. You've got to keep it's just the intro of the podcast. You've got to keep it together for the intro, mate.

I'm sure I'll talk about my dad more in future podcast episodes as a form of public therapy. That's what comedians do, though, isn't it? Where would Edinburgh be without dead parents? The Edinburgh fringe would totally crumble and uh i've got the double whammy of the midlife crisis in the dead parent i'm being glib um okay now let's uh you know let's not focus too much on the dark side. Speaking of which, I know I haven't seen The Force Awakens.

We don't talk too much about that on this chat, me and Joe. We touch on it, but sometimes it's difficult getting stuff out of Joe Cornball's Cornish. Because he's a very professional man, and now that he's in this exciting movie industry, he doesn't want to jeopardise his position within it by being silly and gossipy, which is great for him and his professional standing. It's not so good for Buckles with his podcast, trying to weedle out entertaining gossipy anecdotes. At one point

in this conversation my efforts to gain access to a tasty Tom Cruise anecdotal morsel are spectacularly frustrated by cornballs as you will hear and then he

does a little reprise towards the end on a Star Wars theme as well I'll be back at the end of the podcast to say goodbye and also to defend myself against criticism I received from episode number

10 with Louis Theroux, the last podcast in which I spoke about people putting on makeup in public. And used as an example a woman on a train who did so a while back when I was sitting opposite her. And people got, well a few people got quite upset. So I will attempt to clarify my position at the end of the podcast but right now Joe Cornish here we go Straight on that. Come on, let's chew the fat. And have a ramble chat. Put on your conversation coat and find your talking hat. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Okay.

This is like Frost Nixon. It is like Frost... This is... Frox... Nix... Nixnox. There's been such a tense build-up. Frot Nixon.

What kind of a film is that? Well, you know exactly what kind of a film that is. You could make that film just by digitally adjusting the original footage. Yeah. A couple of forearms. A couple of CGI forearms. Why has no one done Frot Nixon? Why has no one done Frot Nixon?

Or Frot on Sunday. The Frot Report. So, yeah, I've just been spending a couple of hours trying to get my microphones to work. I'm in London. You're not talking to me now, are you? No, I'm talking to the podcast. I've got to get used to this. You do, yeah.

You're out of the loop. It's strange. And we're sat here. It's a Saturday night. Why aren't you out? I'm with Joe Cornish. Hello. How are you doing, man? Good, thanks. Why aren't you out i'm i'm with joe cornish hello how are you doing man good thanks why aren't you out partying me you're talking to me now talking to you now because we had an arrangement

to meet and record for your fantastic new podcast yeah so i cancelled all my incredible sexy what were you going to be doing orgies all my i cancelled all the orgies all the film orgies yeah they all happen in an expensive hotel up near Regent's Park with Peely Wallpaper. The same place they filmed... Who's Peely Wallpaper? Peely Wallpaper. He runs them.

Yeah, Peely, it's... You don't know me. I'm in a low-budget film. I'd really love to come to one of the orgies. Please, please, please. No. Rebecca, who put this person through? Sorry, Peely.

You've got to get in with Peely Wallpaper. Yeah. You used to go out with a girl called Siri. Is that right? Did I? Yeah, you did, didn't you? Siri Neal. No, I never went out with her.

Did you not? She was in my film, a short film I made. She was going out with the actor Brian Cox. Brian Cox? At the time, yeah. I'm pretty sure. I think you said you rolled around in a field with her. Maybe I'm confusing that with someone else.

I have rolled around in a field with a lady. Yeah. Her name wasn't Siri, though. Oh, okay. I'm getting it confused. You're getting it confused. I apologize. That's all right.

All right. So you knew a girl called Siri. She was in your first short film, right? My second short film. I can't get any of these facts right. Well, no one has or ever will see these short films. Are they not online? Of course not, no.

Why don't you put them online? Because it's like I never want anyone ever to see them. They're good. I don't know about that. Upstaged. Yeah. There's a little clip on our Adam and Joe DVD. There you go, yeah.

Very early work juvenilia i know but you know it's interesting for people to see how the geniuses started yeah one of them's upstaged i don't know they're quite involved yeah and serious of course i discovered the power of comedy at that stage quite overwrought i made one of them when I was they're certainly wrought 19 18 or 19 and the other when I was about 21 and the first one had Ronnie Lacey in it

which was very exciting right who played Belosh in Raiders of the Lost Ark the fellow that gets his hand he gets the medallion

burnt into his hand he was a pretty famous actor yeah in Britain in the 50s and 60s and 70s and 80s maybe not in the 50s yeah I think the 50s he wass and 70s and 80s. Maybe not in the 50s. Yeah, I think the 50s. He was in Porridge, regular in Porridge.

But yeah. And then the second, in fact, the second one, Jeopardy, Yes. had, oh my God. And that's the one with Siri Neal in it, right? That's the one with Siri Neal and also Paul Freeman, who played Tot in Raiders of the Lost Ark. You got through all the cards.

So in fact, I've worked with Belosh and Tot and Spiels. And you've met Harrison Ford. I've met Harrison. We'll get onto that later. Karen Allen. I need Karen Allen to complete the set. We all need Karen Allen to complete the set. Beautiful Karen Allen.

Yeah, amazing. She's still acting, right? Sure. Crystal Skull. Of course she was. Of course. In the Crystal... Who could forget the crystal skull?

Not me. So when you were directing Siri Neal, were you always asking her what the weather was like? Oh, God. Are you on board with this joke yet? Well, no, I'm just trying to get on board. Did you? And did she say from now on? Oh, I see.

Now I'm on board. OK. I thought the bus was ahead of me, but it turns out it's not here yet. I thought I'd missed the bus, but actually it's really late. And it doesn't work. It's actually been sitting halfway up the road behind me for half an hour. Because of mechanical failure. Sorry, I'm actually just going to have to walk quite a way back yeah in the wrong direction

to get on the bus it's almost counterproductive to take the bus i might be able to walk the rest of the way faster at a certain point did she say from now on when you want to know what the weather's like can you start by saying hey siri does siri say that yeah Yeah. Man, I've just... Look, look, Siri's come on because I said, hey, Siri. It's terrifying. I dropped my iPhone 6 in the toilet. Why did you do that? Never done it before because they're too slippery. I don't have a case.

They're too slippery. Went in the toilet. And now it's broken. Oh, mate. And it cost £500. I've put it in a bag of rice. Did you? That's what you're supposed to do.

I put that up online because the rice absorbs the moisture yeah yeah yeah you know they've got little things inside that's my new laugh by the way i love it apparently uh you can't diddle apple because they've got little sensors inside them that detect if they've been dunked in water little dots that go red so that people can't lie to them about it breaking by dropping it or something you know right right because uh an immersion in water is specifically void warranty wise oh boy is the warranty yeah so they've actually built in detectors so that they can suss you so uh i should say to the podcasts to the listeners who maybe aren't apple product users that that was a long tortured riff about um the voice activated helper you get on some apple products which is called siri and um it now

responds like my phone is currently off like the screen is off right but if i say hey sir, who is Joe Cornish? What would you like to know about Joe Cornish? Which films has Joe Cornish directed? I found Attack the Block from 2011. What is the Rotten Tomato rating for Attack the Block? Rotten Tomatoes gives Attack the Block a 90% rating. That's good. It like, it's a sort of, It sort of searches the internet and reads things off of it. Yeah, but it can tell you what the weather is. Yeah, it's good, isn't it?

Do you use it a lot? Of course not. Listen, earlier... Yeah. We mentioned Tom Cruise. Yes. Did we? You did.

I did, before we were... You said, is it okay if I ask you about Tom Cruise? Yeah. And I said, I only met him once. Yeah, but listen, last time we were on Is it OK if I ask you about Tom Cruise? Yeah. And I said I only met him once. Yeah. But listen, last time we were on air, right, was 2011. Yeah. On Six Music.

Yes. Since then. As you know, at that point, you had already worked with Steven Spielberg and you'd met Tom Cruise, right? Yes. I think so. Yeah. On what's it called? Tintin.

Yeah. And I never really asked called, Tintin. Yeah. And I never really asked you about those things in those days because I was too jealous. Right. I probably didn't want you to either. Probably you didn't, right? Yeah. Why not? Wow, that was searing.

Yeah. You tilted your head like an interviewer. Yeah. Because, well, on the radio. Yeah. Just because it was like work right you didn't want to say the wrong thing and upset someone no not that at all it just didn't feel uh like i wanted to talk about it you know i was i was for foraging away yeah uh and sometimes it's good to forage in private isn't it it? Sometimes. Obviously not anymore.

Not for buckles. Not for buckles. Not for the new Frost, Nicks and Buckles podcast. Things have changed. There's a different dynamic. Okay. Yeah. Yes.

You're on the spot, Cornish. I really am on the spot. I want to know. I mean, I don't know how much. Now. You're going to edit. What Tom Cruise smells like. He came into a meeting with me and Steven Spielberg and Peter Jackson and Simon Pegg and Nick Frost very early in the Tintin process when they were testing, working out a lot of the motion capture stuff.

And he burst into the room and he obviously knew Simon. And I think he obviously knew everybody else in the room apart from me. And it was as if Tom Cruise had burst into the room. Tom Cruise is, you know, you get that slight metaphysical thing where you expect some sort of mediatory thing to be between you and that face. You know? It's usually mediated by some sort of delivery system not just air yeah and uh but that's the case with anybody who's famous right yes i know i still get slightly i can't really talk to jonathan ross properly i know what you mean uh without going i saw him the other day at

a party i've known him for years and i just i just sort of went a bit um dry because because it's because it's a strange thing seeing a face in the flesh yeah that's true you're so used to seeing in two dimensions yeah yeah anyway uh the cruiser came he cruised into the room and he was just just like everybody says he he he introduced himself immediately to me because he does the eye contact thing in the firm hands even before that the interesting thing was he figured out I was the one person in the room he didn't know. So he went straight to me and said, hey, I'm Tom. With eye contact and complete proximity. As per his Scientology training.

I've no idea. He may be just a very nice chap. Listen, I'm not trying to put you on the spot. I'm not trying to get anything out of you. I think most people are aware that he's a Scientologist. No, I genuinely have no idea whether the truth connects us. I believe that's part of the... Right.

One of the things is that they... You do the double handshake. You take someone's hand firmly. You look right into their eye. And you make a connection with them that way and make them feel like you're the most important thing in their universe at that point. It's probably not exclusive to Scientology. No. I'm are lots of that's basic that's basically yeah basically politeness

it came to me it just came across in the room at that moment it's more than politeness though it's a power play isn't it well it depends what your attitude to it was i wouldn't make that judgment simply by a person walking in the room and doing it listen i can already tell that you're worried uh that tom no i would say this i would say this about any individual listening to the podcast well he probably is what does he smell like um he you know i don't remember any smell the one celebrity smell i really remember i really remember is robbie williams who smelt of the most incredible uh aftershave i think we've talked about this before that was smelt of the most incredible aftershave.

I think we've talked about this before, that was smelt like incense. Lovely smell. Yeah, like, wow, that's probably made from crushed baby tears. Do you know what I mean? It was probably just sandalwood. The toenails of blue people from Avatar. Yeah. But no, no particular aroma from Mr. Cruise.

And did he, what was your interaction tell me all there was another conversation going on to be honest about the script uh and yeah that was that was pretty much it come on mate you're trying to get that particular story out of me yeah the doodle story i can't believe you're trying to get the doodle story out are you not happy relating the doodle story you want can't believe you're trying to get the doodle story out of me. Are you not happy relating the doodle story? It's just a very good story. I'm going to sound like, what was it? Didn't Louis say this when he came on your podcast?

No, Louis said this on Richard Herring's podcast when Richard Herring started really bullying him. Yeah. And he said, look, I just don't feel this is the right forum to be spending those magical chips in. Do you know what I mean like you got a really killer story like well this is a little killer story why would i piss it away on a podcast and like if you sit down in an interview and the person just now you've built it up drills into you now you've built it all you know it's called the doodle story do you know what i think it's more powerful if i never tell it oh jesus It's actually not a particularly incendiary or provocative.

It's quite a sweet little story. Which is why I thought it would be appropriate to ask about it. Because now I'm not going to tell it. It's Christmas Day. Well, you've got to get used to not having everything you want at Christmas. What? Genuinely. Really good parents leave one present and the children aren't allowed to unwrap

it did you know that did you know that santa and there's the kids look at the presents and mom and dad say there is one present there that you have to decide not to open what which will it be and the kid chooses and you just don't get it 98 of those kids go on to become billionaires are you making that up yes yes i made the whole thing up. It's probably true. There's that experiment where kids, they put sweets in front of kids. No, they put one sweet in front of a kid and they say, I'm going to leave the room. If you eat that sweet while I'm out of the room.

You'll get two. No, you won't get any sweets. If you don't eat it, you'll get two sweets. Yeah, yeah. And they can't resist it. And the kids who can resist it usually turn out to be really clever. The ones that can't resist the sweet. Get a podcast. Usually get some sort of homemade podcast but what they don't get on christmas day number one in the charts is

the fucking doodle story it's only because of the way you approach the doodle story how was i supposed to approach it it's true it's true isn't it let me see if i can squeeze another you just need a cruise story a tom cruise story is that what you want is that what you want i just want to know what it's like um meeting these people it's not gonna happen is it no jesus it's gonna remain a complete mystery what about the full sex with steven spielberg story oh my god last december i went outside the hudasee bus center God. So I had a bit earlier in the year when I cracked my iPhone because I was doing some painting and I had it in the top pocket of my dungarees, my painting dungarees, right?

And every time I bent down to charge the brush, the paintbrush. Sure, it slipped out. It slipped out. Yes. It happened, like first time it happened i was like oh damn it picked it up it was fine the phone was fine and then i did it again and again the phone was fine and then i did it again this isn't the same like half hour

yeah hour exactly and that, the phone was fine. And then I did it literally in total seven times. Seven times. And on the seventh time, the screen cracked. I'm now picturing one of the wild buckles in a, like... Are these the buckles from Jurassic? Yeah, yeah, yeah, from Jurassic Buckles World. And you're in a sort of lab with a two-way mirror. Uh-huh.

And there's a plug and your phone in the pocket, and you're going... And the scientist is going, five times? He's surely not... Six times. It's six times, Professor. He's up to six times. He's seven times.

Guys, you may want to get in here. He's done it six times. No one's ever done it six times before. And then then you know what happens one of them comes in with a shotgun and kills buckles just puts that one down for being too stupid yeah that's um that's a lot of times what were your thought processes each of the times it was like oh i should be more careful that was at the first time oh gotta be careful no the first time it was like oh i got away with it it was oops that was exciting it was like oh i'm so glad it didn't pop it in the pocket second time oh oh this happened

twice and should i tell you the reason that i didn't just take it out and lay it aside was because i was listening to a podcast and i had it on the little speakers there because i didn't want to wear headphones because the headphones were going to dangle. There was no surface nearby just to lay it on? No, because I wouldn't have been able to hear it properly. I was outside. You didn't want to get it splattered with paint. Yeah. So you pop it in a second time.

And then it falls out. And this happens six times. And then on the seventh, it shatters the screen. Right. And so I'm like, ah, damn it. I do a bit live where I say, oh, I cracked the screen on my phone the other day, and my son saw it, and he was absolutely mortified. Right?

And this is true. And my son Frank was. He uses it a lot. Well, no, he just covets them. Oh. You know, children these days, they just are obsessed. It's all about the tablet. Right.

Well, some are. And he is one of them. And he was saying, oh, my God, Dad, you've got to get it fixed. Dad, you've got to get it. When are you going to get it fixed? It was worrying him. It was causing him anxiety that I had a cracked phone. And I said, son, I don't mind.

Son, I don't mind. Son, I don't mind. Son, when you get to my age, some things... Some people carry those things around as a badge of pride, right? With smashed... Well, what I said to him was, I see the cracks as wrinkles. Oh, my God. Is that from a film? Isn't that from a film?

No, I don't think. That's good. As wrinkles. But what does it mean? It's a mature phone. Oh, I see. It's got a story to tell. Yes.

And it happens to be the story of a man who had his phone in his top pocket while he was painting and failed to zip up the pocket. So the phone slid out every time the man bent over until on the seventh time it broke. But it's got a story. It's a mature phone. That is a biblical number. Like, you know, seven. Seven, right. I think it's in the gospel somewhere.

Yeah. Then the iPhone section. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I continued by saying, besides, before it cracked, I felt profoundly uncomfortable fondling such a young looking phone. Did you? That was the punchline for my live bit what did frank make of that i didn't say that to frank i said i see i said that did you say any of this to frank uh yeah i said the stuff before about the wrinkles that's good um what's the question the question is am i am i right to have abandoned that as a punchline for yeah i think so i think so i think so how old is he

um he's 13 13 but don't worry about him because i was only doing it live oh i see oh that right for your material i was telling this story yeah and i think that's all right was before it cracked i felt profoundly uncomfortable fondling such a young looking phone yeah that's all right i mean test it out well i did how did it go no not very well what did they didn't laugh or there was shock no just i think a little bit of shock and mainly indifference just the idea of fondling something young looking yeah it was like no i don't want to hear don't want to yeah i don't want to think about that kind of thing yeah and then you're telling me because you think they were wrong i don't know i was just running it by you if you said no they're insane you should you should plow back

in with that i think i was enjoying it until the punchline well you know that's exactly what the audience was enjoying it was a little wistful yeah they were chuckling i'd rather this i'd rather frank did something that that kicked back on you that's the switch i want to see right i don't want you suddenly confusing him after after having given him such a warm bit of bucky lee's advice yeah uh i mean i don't think i was implied in the live bit i was not implying that i said that last thing about the unmarking phone to my son i was just saying to the audience besides yeah but you see that's throwing them out of the magic of the world isn't it like they were imagining you talking to your son and then suddenly they realize that you're a pervert well that's exactly what happened and it's like oh oh that's sad um this is like a

writing master class we're doing thanks a lot um okay how about this this is just the line that i had and um i i never knew what to do with it but i was like this is brilliant when i wrote it down it was late and then i said i can't wait to try this out live this is i'm gonna get some awards and it was talking about getting old right yeah and saying to the audience one minute you're 18 slow dancing in the erection section at the school disco next minute you're 55 and slow dancing in the erection section at the school disco. Next minute you're 55 and you're at the dysfunction junction. Dysfunction junction.

I mean, I could see that in like, say, Tim Allen's stand up. But just as he's building to a joke. Yeah. Just to rhyme along the way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the thing, isn't it? No, I've dropped it. Did you? Yeah. just to rhyme along the way yeah yeah yeah that's the thing isn't it um no i've dropped it did you yeah is there any way you can gauge how much people will laugh before you try something in

front of an audience no that's the weird thing you haven't figured out an internal measuring uh no process it's totally mysterious really yeah because i really thought that i mean now you find that the things you do think are winners turn out not to be and vice versa? Yes, I mean, I'm demonstrating that now. Honestly, I've now related to you... I think that's true of anybody who is creative. Of course. Do you think there's anybody out there who's creative that just knows...

Exactly how things are going to land. Exactly how things are going to land. Well, I guess there's really successful people... The people who did the moon landings the so-called moon landings there was even a lot of doubt there was a lot of doubt and anxiety in that process about whether they even happened

exactly, did it even happen don't give me that moon landing shit well listen, in future just run and pass cornballs and I'll let you know alright, thanks. Right, 2015, Jay Corn. What a year. What a year.

It's been, obviously, a year of pain and tumult in many ways. Right. But let's focus on some of the globally you mean globally yeah yeah and personally yeah well yeah as per usual just another year just another year you know it doesn't get easier the older you get doesn't does it apparently things are getting repetitive now. Yeah. Breakfast. This is an advert for Squarespace. Every time I visit your website, I see success. Yes, success. The way that you look at the world makes the world want to say yes. It looks very professional.

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Hours, eating, three times a day. Day after day after day. And that's not even covering the self-pleasuring. True. It's hard to be creative with that after a while, isn't it? So look. Procrastination.

Is that the way to go? That's what they call it, procrastination. There's a famous author who... They call what? That's what they call what? Putting it... Procrastinating by masturbating. Oh, I see.

I thought you meant putting off actually wanking. No. No, it's the act of masturbating in order to just fill in time and get it off your chest. Right. Get it off your chest. Some writers can't. Famous writers. Hemingway?

Yeah. He did that kind of thing. I'm just guessing. Surely all writers are procrastinators. Have to procrastinate before their day's work. Yeah. Otherwise they simply can't focus that's one of the tough things about um the working in them being a writer in the modern age isn't it being

hooked up to the internet and then you have all these applications that you can download that uh switch it off switch it off yeah or another thing i heard about was this thing you have to pay for as well that starts erasing what you've written if you haven't written enough no really so you have to hit your word count do they store it no they get rid of it it's supposed to be like a crazy incentive that but why would anyone actually invite that upon themselves let me just google the what it is because then the uh the only criteria of quality and what you've written is how quickly you write it but but that's half the battle though isn't it it's just getting words down on paper

for a first draft that's really taking that idea to its uh to its ultimate isn't it it really is and you have to pay for it. You have to pay for it. It's called write or die. Yes. All right. So you can set how extreme it is. Right. So it doesn't always have to erase what you've written.

But that is one of the... That's one of the things you can have it do. I think. But it can also put a jiggling spider on the screen to freak you out. Or if you've written enough, a puppy. A lovely puppy. A lovely puppy. A lovely puppy. Anyway.

What about an eight-legged puppy? I guess that's what Tim Burton's got. Nice. Basically, we got off the subject there, but I was going to ask you about your cultural highlights. Yeah. Thanks for that. Thanks for asking me that. This is more like it.

Right. We're slipping back into conventional radio mode. All right. A film called Force Majeure. You recommended that to me, and I tracked it down, and I watched it with friends one weekend, and it went down... Like a sack of balloons.

Badly. Did it? Yeah. Who were the friends? My wife and Danny. And I really enjoyed it. I think it's one of the best films of last year. Synopsis.

Well, you don't want to know too much about it. But it's a family on a skiing holiday. And the family are on a terrace and a massive avalanche is triggered. And they think they're going to be killed by the avalanche. And in the heat of the moment, the dad just runs away from the family. The mum grabs the children. The dad just runs away. And then it's the consequences thereafter.

And then one little decision he takes permeates the whole relationship, the whole relationship with the kids. And it's sort of black comedy. It's sort of slightly heightened and exaggerated. But I thought it was brilliant. It's good, isn't it? It's a foreign language film, right? Yeah.

Swedish? Ruben Österlund. I'm not sure where he's from, but he's a foreign language film, right? Yeah. Is it Swedish? Ruben Ostlund. Ruben. I'm not sure where he's from, but he's a cool dude. Yeah, yeah. He's sexy and he's got long hair. And he made another very brilliant film called Play. Is that before?

A few years ago, yeah. Two or three films before. You know, I loved everything about it. I loved the way it's set in a ski resort. And much of the time, there was no musical soundtrack. The soundtrack was provided by the sounds of the ski lifts. And they provided this strange, abstract, avant-garde noise that accompanied these awkward moments. To me, it was talking about the sort of rituals of holidays and families and the behavior that's

expected of you and a ski resort is a brilliant environment to uh express that in isn't it because every action is automated and because the film was about him feeling trapped by all the expectations of his family it was brilliantly expressed through the environment. And yeah, those close-ups of the ski lift wheels and the scary noises. Yeah. Brilliant. Yeah. Yeah.

Good surround sound film. It's very good. We're halfway through the podcast. I think it's going really great. The conversation's flowing like it would between a geezer and his mate Alright mate, hello geezer, I'm pleased to see you There's so much chemistry, it's like a science lab of talking

I'm interested in what you said Thank you There's fun chat and there's deep chat, it's like Chris Evans is meeting Stephen Hawking My guest today is film director and writer Joe Cornish. And he's running down some of his cultural highlights from 2015. I was saying earlier I like being called a filmmaker because you couldn't really call me a films maker. Because you've only made one.

So, yeah, you can call me a filmmaker. Yeah. So, OK, I think you've seen this one what we do in the shadows oh love it really jermaine clement from concords what a gem it was a peach wasn't it yeah i really i watched that one with has to be seen watch that one with my wife my son and my mum yes and my mum was chortling away yes she liked really more than anyone yeah a mum a genuinely funny mum friendly movie is a hard thing to come by yeah i mean it's i should say if you haven't seen it and you're thinking oh i'll get this and we'll watch it with my mum it's pretty gory it's about

vampires it's like a kind of reality doc about a group of vampires living in new zealand if you've experienced the pain of childbirth it just changes everything and only certain films it's true though isn't it only certain i'm just chuckling at you kind of suddenly bonding with women in that way yeah well it's true isn't it it's of course it's true they go through something that we'll never know we'll never and that's why they can't understand force majeure but yet find what we do in the shadows very amusing but it has some really unexpectedly uh inventive and amusing tangents mostly involving reese darby that are really funny there's lots of bits in that i would highly such a good film uh i would also say i've got all sorts of cultural

highlights i've got i've got home video releases that i found exciting oh yeah for instance the black stallion came out on a Criterion Blu-ray. That was exciting for me. I don't know if I've ever seen The Black Stallion. I think that's the best children's film ever made. I remember... Like sort of beautiful, arty, sophisticated, dramatic. Yeah.

I remember you had a poster of it at school. Yes, and Louis turned it into a big cock. And then wrote... And changed it to the Slack Stallion. And I was genuinely angry about that. I thought, that is so base. That's such a beautiful, touching film. I don't know if it was Louis.

It was Louis. Was it? Top documentarian Louis Theroux turned the silhouette of a horse's head into a huge phallus. And called it the Slack Stallion. And tippexed out the b to make it into an s slack stallion that's the noise the slack stallion made when he heard i love it i'm gonna go and invest in it good tip uh ex machina loved it very clever film this is heartening that you and i agree on so many of these films we still got very clever taste didn't uh didn't uh feel low budget because it was uh sort of conceived within

its means very cleverly it was very that's exactly what i thought within the first few minutes i doubt you thought that i think you're just pretending you did because i said it and it was clever i said it i in fact i think i thought it first i thought thought it first. X-Machina, no. The first few shots, the aerial shots when Domol Gleeson, is that his name? Dumoul. Yeah. Is coming into the, basically the film is about. Well, it has such a brisk opening, doesn't it? When he gets the invitation and then he's just there and you think, this film isn't fucking about.

Tell people what the film is about if they haven't seen it it's about a very very brilliant rat who is the top chef in paris no it's not it's a i well it's about a man that goes to decide whether a lady's a robot or not he's a computer he's a computer whiz a tech whiz to do it again i just did it well i didn't like the way you did it i thought it was yeah wasn't very good was it uh he's a computer whiz and he kind of wins a competition to go and spend some time with a bill gates slash steve jobs slash elon musk type genius billionaire who lives in isolation and has created an ai and he wants this fellow to assess whether the AI actually has consciousness or can be called sentient. Mm hmm. Right.

Yeah. Because it's so sophisticated, this female robot that the fellow has created. Right. I think I did a better job than you did. Yes. You know, you're right. Is that fair? I write the back covers for the pirate DVDs. You write the real ones i do the ones for malaysia and so the first shots

are of this uh geek being flown in um into this wilderness where the guy has his uh out of the way special modern tech house and the the shots are beautiful and it looks super expensive. And so you just think, wow, this is, you know, it immediately gives the thing scale. Because the rest of it is very... Intimate. Intimate and theatrical. Yes.

And you're in more or less one... Very good. And it's sustained to the end, I thought. Yeah. Good twists. Excellent. And I like what that Alex Garland does, you know? He's clever.

He takes his time and makes... That's his first film that he's directed, right? Yeah, yeah. People say he did a little bit of directing on Judge Dredd. Oh, yeah. But yeah, no, he takes his time and... Good music as well. ...and everything he does is worth watching.

I think it is Jeff Barrow from Portishead who did the music. Yeah, Jeff did the music yeah jeff did the music brilliant music and uh you know he got he got a quite a bit of flack though alex garland about some of the sexual politics in that film which i thought was weird because it was entirely trying to address all kinds of preconceptions about women that we have in society as well as being this story about AIs. You've got to get a bit of flack about something, though, haven't you, in this day and age? You've got to get a bit of flack.

It's a bit of Caroline Flack. It's, you know, part and parcel of putting your head over the parapet. Sure, exactly. And I thought it was excellent. I like the movie Vacation. Vacation? Yeah. With Chevy Chase.

Well, he cameos in it. Yeah, it's the remake of Vacation. Oh, it's the remake of vacation i thought you were joking it's a it's a remake of vacation is it yeah i didn't know that had happened and you really liked the first one i loved the first one loved the you brought the first one into a science lesson at the end of term one time and we ended up watching vacation in a chemistry yeah and it had toplessness in it and swearing and marijuana and masturbation yeah and it went down fantastically cedric harbin was chuckling away he loved it a teacher like i wouldn't say it's a masterpiece would you not no and for instance the rotten tomatoes score the thewatched the original as well. But, you know, it's not going to win the Palme d'Or, Adam. No. But it certainly might win a car door.

No, I don't know. I found it enjoyable in the way, you know, sometimes slightly... Sometimes movies surprise you, wouldn't you say? I've never thought about it it but now you mention it yes you're right it had some genuinely funny moments in it vacation well wally world was ahead of its time taking the piss out of disney world and all that stuff yeah that was good good ending reshot that whole ending and good music as well holiday road i'm not seeing it very well both great movies.

Wait, wait, wait. Are you serious that the remake was worth seeing? It's worth watching, yeah. Is it really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. It's got some really transgressive and kind of funny moments, I thought. You know, have you kept up with Chevy Chase being more or less a total bastard? Yeah, when you read that Saturday Night Live book, yeah.

No, his reputation isn't great, is it? No. Anymore. It's weird, though, isn't it? Like, more and more you just think, well, that's what it takes to be a genius, is you're just a sociopath. He is a genius, though. But you'd never know. That could be the case with many people.

He's pointing at himself. Telly, do you want a Telly tip? Yes have you been keeping up with nathan for you no do you ever heard of nathan for you i don't think i have nathan for you is uh it's a really really really funny american tv show and i don't know how you can get your hands on it in the uk but if you can then really recommend it. It's just in its third series, midway through its third series. Here's the synopsis. Writer, director and comedian Nathan Fielder also has a business degree. What about Cornballs can tell you about it? Okay.

You don't need your Siri now, your computer friend. You've got a real guy here. All right. Joey. Go on then. Joey, your computer friend. Go on, Jesus! Say, hey, Joey.

Hey, Joey, tell me about Nathan For You. I don't have any information on that subject. It's funny. It's like a business program, right? So it's taking the language of The Apprentice or reality documentaries where people save businesses and making it into comedy. But it's got a brilliant kind of joke at the center of it is that he's really uh socially alienated and awkward and he's using all these amazing business schemes basically to try and make some sort of emotional human contact with somebody but he's so nuts he just takes it

into demented directions but if you haven't heard of it i think you should watch them all okay one by one from the beginning starting with uh series one episode one have you watched the uh current series of the apprentice speaking of which no a little bits of it you know it's very samey isn't it after 34 years and i can't believe that like but it's still on do you remember when we did our songs about the apprentice yes and uh we were riffing on the ridiculous names that they choose for the teams. Yes. This year they were called Versatile and Connexus. And the guy who came up with Connexus was delighted because he was like, because it's got two meanings. It's like a cool word, Connexus.

Yes. And also. That's one meaning. It sounds like connect us. And it sounds like it's something that connects us. But being a cool world isn't really a meaning. Cool word. Yeah, a cool word.

Sorry, I was thinking about the Brad Pitt film. Being a cool word isn't really a meaning, is it? No. No. Now I'm thinking about the Brad Pitt film. Yeah, it's more interesting. For me, Cool World is more about David's song, of course. I didn't know he did a song for it, did he?

He did a few songs, and so did Brian Eno. Wow. He did Real Cool World is more about David's song, of course. I didn't know he did a song for it, did he? He did a few songs, and so did Brian Eno. Wow. He did Real Cool World. Oh, yeah. And have you seen Bowie's new video for Black Star? I saw some of it. Some of it? I like the buttons on the bandage.

Oh, yeah. I'm going to put some buttons on this bandage. Little buttons on my bandage. What's his assistant called? What's Bowie's assistant called? How do I know? I think he's called Frederick. Frederick?

Yes, he has to have an assistant. I think he's called Frederick. He used to have an assistant called Coco. Coco, that's right. Did he? Yes. Yeah, but she used to do a lot of mime, didn't she? And she fell out of an open window.

Seriously, she had to bring him his breakfast using mime. She had to bring him his breakfast in mime and she fell out of an open window. It was a hot date. Wait, wait, wait. If you're going on a stupid riff, you can't just say seriously in the middle. I'm just trying to make you listen.

And yeah, he would say, he'd say, I can't do, it's hard to say Bowie saying Frederick. Frederick. It should be something beginning with an S. Yes. Cedric. Cedric. Basically, he'd look up on the internet whether anybody had put buttons on a bandage before. And he'd realise that no, nobody had ever put button eyes on a bandage.

I'm sure there's been some sort of... There's Coraline with button eyes. There are the World of Mummies with bandages. Are they buttons then? I thought they were little peepholes. I only watched a little bit, and it was probably 7.20 on quite a small window on the desktop. Yeah. So I can't be sure, but I took them to be buttons.

Did you like the song? I thought the drum riff was interesting. I sort of was enjoyably trying to figure out how the vocal line rhythm matched with the little breakbeat rhythm. His voice is a little bit high for me these days. Is it? It's all kind of like this. That's just wisdom. Is it?

Yeah. It's a sheer weight of knowledge. Right. Closes up the throat. All the facts. Because the brain gets so heavy. Edging out. Yeah. You haven't got the resonance. The brain the resonance closes the throat yeah because there's too many facts

now it's like pierce brosnan well again very very wise man um all right nathan for you that's a good recommendation that is a good recommend you don't know how good that recommendation is you know he does you break it you pay for it on one episode in the third does he we did that yeah well i know i thought oh he's doing you break it you pay for it but he does it much better oh well that was one of our worst things that we did he does it much well he just uses it as part of a much bigger thing and it's really good hey did you see love and mercy no i haven't seen that yet i hear it's good that's great i mean i'm more of a Beach Boys Brian Wilson guy than you, right? Yes. But if you are in any way excited about the Beach Boys or Brian Wilson, in particular, the period of Brian Wilson's life when he was making Pet Sounds and then Smile, this incredibly ambitious, overambitious, it turned out, album, whilst struggling with all kinds of emotional and

mental problems it more than any other film i've seen like that gets really close to recreating the excitement of what it must be like in a studio when when you've got someone that gifted actually marshalling the talents of incredibly brilliant show six music players like that yeah like exactly like yeah and what they've done one of the things they've done, I think I'm right in saying, is that they've got studio, like real studio chatter from the Pet Sounds sessions. And reconstructed it. And played the whole scene underneath it so that it syncs up with it. So the actors are actually lip syncing to the real dialogue.

Oh, I must check that out. That sounds good. I heard it was good. Oh, it's great. I visited the Star Wars set. Oh, my God. Everybody who has a podcast has to have a guest who's visited the Star Wars set. But then, of course, they can't say anything about what they saw or did. Well, you can now because it's out.

That's true, isn't it? Yeah. But not while we're recording this. Oh, shut up. I'm not going to put this out before it's out. So I don't know. Jake Pauls. Not even as a joke.

What was the NDA I signed? Not even as a joke. Don't go doodles on me now. I can't remember. I didn't read the NDA that I signed, but I just signed it and made a mental decision not to tell anybody publicly what I saw. And as a result, I don't think, even though the film will be out by this time goes out,

I think there's a legal document that may make me vulnerable to legal action if I say anything. Fucking hell. You brought that up and now you are giving me maximum doodles. I'll tell you about it after. Don't tell me. People want to know what it's like. Well, then don't. Can't you just say, like, don't say.

I went to see John Boyega, who was in Attack of the Block, who's in the new Star Wars film, and I went to say hello to him. Because you know J.J. Abrams a little bit, right? Yeah, a little bit. He's a very nice man and he was very nice about Attack of the and so you went out where were they shooting in pinewood yeah and this was when earlier this year yeah yeah yeah it was he's giving me the eyes like yeah he's waiting for me to trip him up with all these things of public, yeah. But the film is out. You wouldn't believe what I saw. The film is out.

Yeah, but it isn't. It's out, you raving lunatic. I'm not going to put this up before it goes out. It's Christmas Day. People have seen it. Right. It's only been out for... Who cares how long it's been out?

It's out. It's only been out for eight days. Right. So it'd be a spoiler for the listeners if I told them. You don't need to do a spoiler. Avoid spoilers for the plot. I just want to know what it was like being on the set. It was very exciting.

Did you meet any of the cast? Yes, I did. Who did you meet? Did you meet Harrison Ford? I did. How was that? He was very nice. He was very friendly.

Did you? The thing is they were shooting. Whereabouts? So you don't go around just fluffing around. In fact, I find it really nerve-wracking to be on another director's set. Yeah, sure. Not nerve-wracking, but just you really don't want to get in the way. Which set was it?

It was the set of the Millennium Falcon. Oh, and he has rebuilt the whole thing, right? It's non-CG on that thing. It's non-green screen. Yeah, well, the interiors yeah i'm sure they've used some green screen but generally yeah no they they i understand they're going as physical as possible and my understanding was that they had uh sort of scanned the original parts of the set and recreated them with three it was very I mean, it was just like it was in the film.

Yeah. But it was interesting. You figured out the geography. The geography felt not different, but you could see more of the geography than you can figure out in the film. I mean, were you tingling with excitement? Yeah.

Even though people often assume that you and I are like the most massive Star Wars heads in the world. And we love them, but I don't think we're obsessed by them, are we? No. We certainly were the right age for them. Yeah, of course. So we were no less obsessed than anybody else. Right.

I mean, they were incredibly important, but we don't spend our whole adult lives thinking about them. We did a lot of Star Wars figure things. We've done more than most people on Star Wars, probably. Sure, obviously. But yeah, no, it was very, very, very, very, very exciting. Yeah. It was very exciting. I think probably, having said all that about not being like the most massive obsessive,

I would probably get a little weepy if I was suddenly looking at the Millennium Falcon and Harrison Ford was standing there. Yeah. So you cried? I cried. Did you get a lump in your throat? Seriously? I don't think so, no, because it's like a working atmosphere. Right.

It's not like you're in a... They were in the middle of shooting. Yeah, yeah. They were doing shots. And so it wasn't... Doing shots? Yeah, they were all drinking heavily during the day my primary thing was like don't wander into shot yeah or don't knock anything over

or you know or don't suggest lines yeah yeah uh so i was on my best behavior but it was it was very exciting oh listen to your tummy exciting as well. And were you tempted to... Because if Buckles had been there... What would Buckles have done? I would have taken a souvenir. Would you? I would have snaffled a little pastry.

I would have snaffled a little bit of the falcon, popped it in my pocket. Thanks very much. Yeah, didn't do that. No, of course you didn't. You won't even tell me the doodle fucking story. You're not going to start nicking bits of the Millennium Falcon. That was an exciting day.

Yeah, was it? I'm glad. Yeah. That's cool, man. Yeah. That really is. And, you know, what a thrill to see John Boyega in that film. Right, who you sort of more or less discovered, right? No.

Well, we gave him his first feature film, but he's a very talented actor. Yeah, you didn't discover him, but you gave him a little boosty. Yeah. I think casting directors do that kind of thing. He was on the radar of the casting director for being a super promising guy. What was your casting director called? Nina Gold. Right.

Oh, Nina Gold. So that's how those people like that are on the radar already, really. Sure. But no, that was a thrill. And have you you haven't seen the film yet, right? No, I'm pretty excited. My daughter is just so as we speak, it is end of November. So the film is not out yet, as Joe has made clear. But by the time this goes out it will be and uh yeah my

daughter she's already said that she's going to see it loads of times and um it's it's a big deal for her and it's she'll remember it forever and you know what the other day and i was sort of thinking yeah yeah i'm too old to get excited by this kind of thing but the other day actually it had been a hard day and i was already feeling a little bit um vulnerable but i was online and i happened to see that there was a new trailer for the force awakens and i watched it and it's the one that heavily features harrison ford and there's a brief shot of uh carrie fisher at the end as well and it's all like you know all the stories at the end as well. And it's all like, you know, all the stories they told, all the things we did, it's all true. And I started crying.

I really did. I just suddenly, how old I was, how much it meant to me when I first saw it, it all just collided and, oh my God. It's powerful nostalgia, isn't it? Yeah. oh my god it's powerful nostalgia isn't it yeah powerful nostalgia indeed joe cornish there and thanks very much to him that conversation was recorded towards the end of nove November and the next one on the Christmas Day podcast that was recorded uh just last weekend 19th of December and it's a lot sillier and it

features some of the messages that you guys submitted um on the on my blog so that's coming up before I say farewell today uh I just want to deal with some of the responses to the last podcast, episode number 10 with Louis Theroux, in which I began our conversation, which was recorded last year. someone messaged me and said, what year was this recorded? And I thought, are they implying that I sound like a kind of caveman on here with outdated views? Surely they can't be. So I just said, oh, it was recorded in June 2014. Sometimes that's the best way to respond to sarcastic incredulity. It's just to be honest. I was a little surprised. I must say that people thought I was being kind of misogynist, really, when I was talking to Louis about people putting on makeup in public and using as an example a woman who'd been putting on makeup in front of me on the train and of course I understand

that uh you know if I begin a conversation by saying do you like it when women put on makeup in front of you on the train then people naturally think oh well this is buckles sounding off about women putting on makeup on a train um and then later on I say, I use the word acceptable. How is it acceptable then for a woman? I mean, I was being hyperbolic in that situation, but the conversation, honestly, in my mind, was just about anyone putting on makeup in public. I did say that to me, putting on makeup,

I associate it with a kind of theater a theatrical gesture when I was um a young teen I decided at a certain point that um you know I started getting spotty and my mum said use some of my cover-up and I was just amazed by the difference it made it was like oh suddenly i'm not spotty this is amazing and so rather than just cover up spots i started to cover up my whole face and thought yeah i'm gonna give my my silly round baby face some um some definition I made the whole thing very pale. I put foundation, pale foundation on my lips. So I was kind of like a creature of the night because I also put on some eyeliner and I put a bit of eyeliner on my cheeks as well and then smeared it in to make myself look as if I had cheekbones. And in my mind, yeah, I was like a sexy vampire,

albeit a sexy vampire with what they called in those days a casual haircut, a big wedge, you know, like a pudding bowl haircut with a big long bit at the front that had a bit of peroxide in it. I'm a casual creature of the night. bit of peroxide in it i'm a casual creature of the night but i would never have performed that whole ritual in front of other people in my mind it was something that i needed to do in private and then and step out you know making the transition in public uh for me would have been too strange i think um and counterproductive so that was really the the conversation with Louis was like if it's a theatrical gesture how come people do that bit

of it in front of you in no way was I suggesting that it was unacceptable per se for people to do that i was using that word in a in a stupid way and i was not suggesting that new policy should be created to stop women or anyone from doing what they want and making themselves look how they want and the only reason i'm sort of answering back in this defensive way is because i really don't like the idea that people think I would promote that kind or any kind of intolerance in that way, really. All right, let's move on from that. I'm going to wrap it up. And once again, thank you very much indeed for all your kind words about my dad. It meant a lot. You know, I was really, I was really touched.

Please don't feel as if you have to send in further condolences at this point, you know, at a certain stage you just have to kind of move on, don't you really, and start getting on with the business of being alive. But I certainly don't intend to forget about him and i i appreciate that uh this process probably takes quite a long time so um i hope you'll bear with me okay i'll be back on christmas day with joe reading out some of your messages and talking more bullshit. Till then, take care. I'm outdoors, so I can do quite a loud sign-off. I love you.

Bye! What do you think of that, Rosie? Rosie's looking at me why are you doing that why are you shouting that's not cool it's not cool just to stand there and shout there's people

in houses nearby and they're going to be looking now and thinking oh dear I feel sorry for that dog she's hanging out with that creepy thinly veiled misogynist. I'm not like that, Rosie. You know that, right? I'm desperate to please.

Alright. Bye-bye. Thank you. He says, has been shaved by John Bridget and now he feels a little bit heavy metal. He feels a little bit heavy metal. What's wrong with that? I'm not entirely sure what heavy metal is. Well, he's just saying that he feels...

Over-excited? Over-excited, keyed up. Is that wrong? It is crude and mindless. Mindless is a word that does get overused, but it is mindless to announce that your head's been almost shaved by a jumbo jet, and that as a consequence you're feeling a bit heavy metal.