THE ADAM BUXTON PODCAST - EP.115 - ADAM & JOE

Episode Date: December 25, 2019

Adam enjoys more festive waffle with Joe Cornish.Thanks to Séamus Murphy-Mitchell for production support and to Matt Lamont for additional editing.Music and jingles by Adam Buxton (and Harry and Cal from Hooton Tennis Club!)BLUE CROSS PET CHARITYFOODBANKS - THE TRUSSELL TRUSTADAM BUXTON 2020 BOOK TOURBRITTANY BROSKI - KOMBUCHA GIRL (TIK TOK)BRITTANY BROSKI - LOVE ISLAND PT 2 (TIK TOK)JOE CORNISH ON INSTAGRAMJOHN HIGGS - THE FUTURE STARTS HERESOUNDICULOUS GAME (JOHN LEWIS) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I added one more podcast to the giant podcast bin. Now you have plucked that podcast out and started listening. I took my microphone and found some human folk. Then I recorded all the noises while we spoke. My name is Adam Buxton, I'm a man. I want you to enjoy this. That's the plan. Hmm.

Rosie. Rosie. Come and say happy Christmas to the podcats. Can you say happy Christmas? Don't patronise me. Sorry. What are you up to today? I've got a busy day.

I'm going to go and have Christmas lunch with the rabbits. Are you? That's nice. What are you having? Rabbits. Oh, OK. That's a bit macabre. Anyway, have a nice day. OK, bye.

There goes Christmas Rosie. She's looking back at me. Every time I say her name, she stops on the track and looks back at me. I love you, dog. Oh, lovely fresh wind. How are you doing, podcats? Adam Buxton here. Hope you're all acceptably well and happy enough at this joyful slash incredibly stressful time of year. Hope it's all going okay wherever you are, whether you're listening to this on the 25th of December 2019 or at some future point. I've only had one big family argument so far this Christmas, so that's good. I'm glad to say it's all resolved now. I don't think there are any festering wounds. Shall I tell you what it was about?

Well, I won't go into the underlying motifs of the argument, but I can tell you that it was sparked off by the door of the dishwasher being left open. But that's an indication of how pathetic it was. It's just stressful, isn't it? And the older you get and the more forces there are at play in your life, it just gets more and more like the end of Goodfellas when Ray Liotta's driving around trying to sort out the... What's he trying... I can't even remember. I think he's trying to do Sunday lunch, isn't he? But, yeah, that's what it can be like. And it just totally got away from me this year. Mind you, I always say that.

Oh, it got away from me this year. Usually I'm really good. I'll get everyone great, great presents that they love. It's just this year that it got away from me this year. Usually I'm really good. I'll get everyone great, great presents that they love. It's just this year that it got away from me. Well, it was another year like that. This year, I'm blaming book writing and bad organisation. And as far as this podcast goes, those are also the things I'm blaming for the fact that we don't have any written contributions

from listeners in this Christmas episode, as we would normally do. So no made-up jokes or eggcorns this time round. Sorry about that. And we recorded this a few weeks back in November. So sadly, no discussion of the election result, nor do we talk about Star Wars, the rise of Skywalker, of the election result, nor do we talk about Star Wars, the rise of Skywalker, or the highlights from the last decade, or Trump's impeachment, or any of the other great fun stuff that you will be having heated discussions about with your family and friends this holiday, no doubt. Instead, for the Christmas episode with corn balls, we exchanged a few low quality presents we talked about some very happy

developments shea corn balls and it isn't that joe's going to be directing the sequel to cats it's something even better than that we had a bit of an informal song wars battle and joe once again pulled something quite unexpected and magnificent from his festive tune sack. And of course, there was another chapter in the seasonal story that makes the nativity look like a much, much better story that doesn't have Tom Cruise in it. A couple of notes before we get going. This is a sweary Christmas episode. Quite a bit of effing, maybe even some jeffing. So do go carefully if there are sensitive ears around. I know I'm not consistent. This is the thing that regular listeners will know. What is this? Is this a comedy podcast? Is this a

serious podcast? Has it got swearing in it? Is there not? I don't, it's just all over the place. Like life. Also, I want to say thanks up front to Harry and Cal from the band Hooten Tennis Club. They made a jingle for me that was supposed to go in last year's Christmas podcast, but I forgot to include it because, as I think we've already established, I'm a terrible man. But it is in there this year. It's very much in the style of one of our old six music jingles, so I'm sure you'll be able to recognize it. Now, as you'll hear, we recorded the podcast up here in Norfolk. So I began by making Joe some tea and while I was doing that he explained what it was that had moved him to take the long journey from London to Castle Buckles.

Back at the end, just to say goodbye, but right now, here we go. Ho, ho. ho Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, While I make you some tea, you can explain what you've been doing in Norfolk. Why I'm in Norfolk? Yeah. Well, I've come here to Castle Buckeleys and this beautiful part of the country, Norfolk, because I was invited by the Norwich Film Festival to do an extremely prestigious keynote lecture. They described it as a talk, but I'm going to describe it as a lecture. And it was great fun.

I was interviewed by a very nice lady for an hour, and then there were audience questions. And overall, I just think it was an absolute fucking triumph. Triumph? Yeah. I mean, I really think it went very, very, very, very, very well. I'm a positive person. Yeah, yeah.

But really, the positivity here is off the scale. It was a miracle. It was a miracle. That's the word I've been looking for. It was a once-in-a-lifetime miracle of oration and interviewees. Adam's just leaving the room while i'm talking by the way which is why i'm going off into hyperbole because he can't stop me yeah i said it was a miracle a once in a lifetime miracle wow a miracle a miracle i believe in miracles sure jamie bell jam, Jamie Bell, Jamie all the way.

I'm trying to think of Christmassy celebrities. Well, how are you getting on? You give me one. Okay. Well, God, you really sprung that on me. Yeah, I did. Well, then Santa Klaus Kinski is one. Yeah.

You can only say the actual name. You've got to say the actual name. You can't jazz the name up to make them Christmas. All right. Wow, shit. I just have to think of... I'll give you another one. Holly Hunter.

That's good, but Santa Claus Kinski is better. Yeah, but you've added Santa to it. Okay, so basically, I've got to think of Christmas words. Holly Hunter's great because... You're right. It's very, very, very good. She's hunting for Holly. Mickey Tinsel. That's not a... You don't, it's very, very, very good. She's hunting for Holly. Mickey Tinsel.

That's not a... You don't know Mickey Tinsel? Is he on X Factor? No. He's on Love Island. Mickey Tinsel, Santa Klaus Kinski, OK, I Know One, Johnny Bauble. You're still making Christmas words.

I'm sorry. You're still combining Christmas words. Well, Noel Edmonds. Noel Edmonds, that's very good. I mean, it works on every level, because he is quintessentially Christmassy as a personality. Chris Snowdonnell. I did it again, didn't I?

Yep. He was an actor from the past. If it was a Twitter game... Rain Deer Wilson. You see, again, that would be fine if it was Twitter puns. Yeah, but I've just got to go for your belt and braces yeah people who have a christmasy word as their name already yes like lynn's christmas tree low hand no i did it again uh turn the pun switch off turn the pun switch off and just just trying to think of christmas celebrity databank search well i can't do that i can't i'm trying to think of Christmassy. Celebrity databank search. Well, I can't do that.

I'm trying to think of other... Give me another Christmassy word. Well, look, you could go another way with it. Yeah. How about you could have Twister or Mac Lethal because they're fast at rapping. Twister? The rapper.

Yes. He's the fastest rapper in the world. Right. Twista. Twista. What's he got to do with Christmas? He's fast at rapping. Oh, I see.

Wrapping paper. I understand. So he's good to have around. These are people who are... He's good to have around. You're absolutely right. Good to have around at Christmas. You've got Holly, who's hunting...

Yes. Yep. You've got Jamie Bell. Mickey Tinsel is very useful as well. Mickey Tinsel's not real. Jamie Bell. what's he doing he's just he's just jamie bell jamie bell jamie all the way um okay mary berry there you go now hooray he's arrived at the party mary mary berry that's perfect. Okay. It's just Mickey Tinsel.

It's just a shame he's been knocked out because he's a very... Because he's not real. He's real. He's on Love Island. He's not. He is on Love Island. What would he be like on Love Island? Would he be one of the nice men or one of the loathsome men?

He'd be a wonderful thing, sparkly personality. Did you watch it this year? No, I've never watched it. Have you not? No. Come on, mate, keep up. Keep up with the shitegeist. Keep up with the national conversation.

I've never watched it. I watched an American woman doing an impression of some of the British women on that show, because they watch it in America now. Yes. This woman did a really, like, she nailed the accent. I'd never heard an American nailing a regional British accent before. What region was it?

Essex, maybe. Okay. And she is, she calls herself Brittany Broski, and she became a viral sensation this year, 2019, as the kombucha girl. You didn't see that on, you know. TikTok. TikTok. TikTok.

Yeah. She's on TikTok. And she tried kombucha and she made some funny faces. And then everyone imitated her funny faces. Yes. And did lip sync to it on TikTok. Love it. Became a sensation.

Sure. She herself is very funny. I ended up watching loads of her TikTok videos. And this is the one she did imitating a classic kind of love island type person they say like time in the villa like one day in here is like a week outside you're right babe do you like go for a chat we go for a chat later i pull you for a chat i just don't want to get mugged off like if you're going on a date with another girl that's fine that's perfectly fine just like let me know pull me aside before do you know what i mean he's made me look like an

absolute mug like i've been mugged off so hard yeah that's she's very good she's amazing she's amazing off and gone she goes posh for all gone yeah but i mean when you think about it's very good though it's so precise are you your thesis would be that the more geographical distance between your actual accent and the accent you're doing, the more impressive it is? Or is it is the specificity of a regional, a local regional? It's all the because it wouldn't be that impressive for a British actor to do Texan or Daniel Craig in Knives Out does a very specific, like, is it Alabama? Like some very specific American accent. The impressive thing is, A, for an American person to have enough detailed knowledge of British regional accents to just even be aware of them, right? Because most Americans just think British people speak like the Queen. Yeah, but I think that's changing now,

thanks to shows like Love Island. Thank you, Love Island. Popularity. Thank you very much indeed. In the US. But I think she's going to be a star. She, like, earlier this year... She's your tip for the top. She's my tip for the top.

Well, thank goodness we got to your tip this early in the show. Every Christmas we ask Ad for a tip for his tip for the top. And this year it's Miki Tinsel. No, Kathleen... Tina Tinsel. Tina TikTok. for his tip for the top and this year is mickey tinsel no kathleen tina tinsel tina tiktok how far is she gonna get all the way all the way she's going all the way what does that mean these days she's gonna be in five films whoa two of which do very well right she's gonna to be in five films. Whoa. Two of which do very well. Right.

She's going to turn up in a Marvel movie. Yes. As a funny... It's enough for me just as a funny... Guy. Guy. And then... It's exciting for her.

She's going to go off the rails. Right. At what point did she get to the top or is she still at the top? When she's off the rails. Does that constitute falling off the top? Or if you're going off the rails rails are you in fact ascending even further because you're very famous now i mean everyone's watching you going off the rails you've in a way you're more interesting than you are just as a mere actor now you're going off the rails you're

at the top when you go off the rails yes but then once you're off the rails then you start going down plummeting yeah it's so it's all over now for her. Is it worth it? Well, that's a big question. Yeah, it is a big question, isn't it? Because you've tipped her for the top. She now knows what's ahead of her. So she can make an informed decision as to whether to go to the top

or whether just to stay at the bottom. Who would choose, though, not to taste the sweet, sweet fruit of fame, even knowing, having watched a load of documentaries about how... A million rise and falls. Going off the rails is almost inevitable. Yeah. People go in forearm. It's not what you think it is.

The reality... Everyone's aware of what a bitter pill fame is. In fact, you probably get hooked on the drugs and the booze because the good life isn't what you thought it would be. So you seek that escapism in chemicals because it's not there in the life that you find. Yeah. Sorry.

It's not there in the life that you find. Excuse me. But my advice to you... It's like having Peter Ustinov is grab it with both hands you'll regret it if you don't Brittany Tomlinson she's called

she's very good at doing she does other stuff I watched a load of her stuff and it really made me laugh she works in a bank near Dallas or at least she did, I wonder if she still does this was only a few months ago that she went viral as I speak.

The Kombucha Girl. I wonder if life has changed for her now. Anyway, thanks for coming to Norfolk, and see you next year. Thanks a lot. Bye! You're listening to Thanks a factor. Listen on the first day, with another primate.

Listen when you're jogging, straight to your noggin. You're listening to... The Adam Buxton Podcast. If you don't like it, then marry you someday. So listen, man, you had a baby. Yes. Whoa.

Are we allowed to talk about this? Sure, we can talk about the baby. I mean, you're generally not overwhelmingly forthcoming with the details of your private life. That's one of the things i sure mysterious yeah mysterious but we can talk about the baby what do you want to know about the baby what's it like what is it it's like a baby yeah what kind of baby she's a lady baby baby she's a beautiful baby woman lady baby and she's absolutely she's four months old as we record this we're just entering our first christmas with our lovely baby and she's absolutely

gorgeous are you comfortable saying names or would rather not let's just call her tinsel is is there a tinsel tinsel tinsel miggy tinselsel. Minnie Tinsel. And what's Minnie Tinsel like? How old is she now? She's four months as we record. Right. What's she like? Well, I find her very look-at-able. Mm-hmm.

Like, you just cannot stop looking at her. I've seen pictures of her and I can... But I think that's probably a general baby thing, right? Yeah, that's inbuilt. Especially if it's your first baby. I mean, I just literally, she stares at me, I stare at her.

I've never kept eye contact with any individual in my life as long as I have. She seems to be able to look at me without blinking for a very long time. Do babies have extra moist eyes? Probably, yeah. She seems, maybe it's a biological function

so they can take in things. Okay. She loves it when I sing. Really? I do a lot of very silly made-up songs. Yeah. And she looks at me like... What kind of songs?

All sorts of songs. But it'll be like... Nappy time, nappy time. Having your nappy change is not a crime. Stuff like that. Or usually it'll be very high-pitched. And there's a lot of isn't there is there with babies it's like

is this the baby making the noise or you know me yeah but then the baby makes them back she likes she'd be like that's good she loves it she loves that remix she loves lots of crazy songs she loves a good tummy raspberry yes loves a good tummy raspberry oh frank used to like that uh have you not done it recently i mean not for a few weeks no a few weeks it's the sort of thing that you would do in some terrible father and son bonding weekend that you'd pay for, isn't it? With your 17-year-old son. All right. Now, I know a lot of you haven't done this for a long time, but I'd just like all the sons to pull their shirts up just below their nipples and just lie back.

Now, don't be embarrassed, dads. It's fine. And just all the dads, put your lips on your son's stomach and just blow a big happy fun raspberry. Nobody moves. We've got to go. When do you think it stops being appropriate to do a tummy raspberry on your offspring?

12? 12. I'm going for 12. That's good. We'd like to hear from anyone who's done tummy raspberries over the age of 12. I'm going for 12. That's good. We'd like to hear from anyone who's done Tommy Raspberries over the age of 12. It's strange that things do definitely change almost from one week to the next with your children right the way... I don't want to hear it. ...through their young years.

I don't want to hear it. I mean, I'll hear it, but I don't want to hear it. But there's nothing bad. I just want to stay in baby bubble forever. You will be in baby bubble for a good long while. Don't worry. Good, baby bubble. But it's the good thing and the bad thing about it

is that there are phases. Yeah, not mine. Keep talking, but just remember you're talking about your own children. When they become teenagers, it's strange. Literally one week, they're fine with everything babyish, reading stories at bedtime, kiss goodnight, I love you, hugs. And then two weeks later, everyone senses that it's no longer appropriate.

There's probably an email goes out saying from Monday, from Monday, if you say I love you, you're pathetic. And don't let your parents touch you. Yeah. But I have noticed now that I can still ask for a hug and they don't refuse. Right. It is weird, though. But you're not volunteered.

The hug feels awkward. Yeah, it is awkward, but I just go for it anyway because it's nice. Right. Well, that's good stuff. That's good stuff. I mean mean i tend to feel that uh yeah you know but just bring it on whatever i'm very excited that she is in my life and i i like really really really love her what um that was nice i should have left a longer pause after that uncharacteristically sincere statement.

But serious answer, what is the film that you are most excited to sit down and watch? You know, I really haven't thought like that at all. I really haven't thought like that. Have you really not? Well, I just feel generally the more expectations of preconceptions you have, the more you're potentially either setting yourself up for a fall or being too premeditated, you know. It would depend on the evening or the night or the mood or the situation. Like, the more I decide... Torsori 1 or 2?

I am going to show you... Like, I've got loads of films that I loved as a kid. But some of them were because they were you know the time I saw them or the place I saw them or the particular mood I was in I just think you're setting yourself up for disappointment sometimes as well because things have changed so much like the stuff that I saw when I was a kid is now you know the editing rhythms and the special effects and all that stuff are all pretty dated one of my favorite books that i read this year by john higgs called the future starts here

and its various thoughts about how we imagine the future and how that's changed over the years but one of the things he does there is look back as well at some of the things that were formative for him and he showed the breakfast club to a room full of millennials to his own children and their friends and it went down badly yeah a lot of those john hughes movies are very uh dated i mean i just watched that the other day did you yeah how come because it criterion released it so i got the criterion of it whoa you spent money on it yeah that's about a year ago i watched it and that has some dodgy stuff in it it's just stereotypes isn't it yeah it's dodgy stuff, but I feel as if, maybe I'm

fooling myself, but I do feel as if we knew the dodgy stuff was dodgy at the time. There's some kind of casual sexual harassment of Molly Ringwald's character. That's right, by Judd. By Judd Nelson. Nelson. By Bender. There is some sort of very casual homophobia, which maybe might have been the stuff that we weren't quite so sensitive about it is i think it's true to say those movies are reflections of the world yeah they weren't promoting or attempting to foster those opinions they were just reflections of what the world was like weren't they we didn't watch the breakfast club and you know we liked it right we loved it i loved it and it felt like people were homophobic to each other and people did harass girls like that.

Yeah. It was something that people sort of accepted was part of the scene, right? It was part of the tapestry of the... The tapestry of life. The ups and downs of being a teenager, some obnoxious behaviour included. So there's loads of films that were big for me

that I wouldn't expect her to like. But it's an odd film, Breakfast Club. It really is. I found a review of it in Time Out that I'd stuck into my diary at the time. In 1985, we went to see it. And I stuck in this review written by Anne Bilson, a reviewer in Time Out.

She was kind of a brilliant reviewer, a brilliant writer. I actually bought a book of her reviews. She wrote a lovely review of in Time Out. She was kind of a brilliant reviewer, brilliant writer. I actually bought a book of her reviews. She wrote a lovely review of E.T. that I always remember. It's like, you know, when film reviewers actually know their stuff and can write really well.

Anyway, she's an example thereof. But she hated The Breakfast Club and she felt that it was just this glorification of a totally self-interested generation in much the same way that people of our age sometimes pour scorn on millennials these days for being too over sensitive snowflakey up themselves whatever you want to call it it seems as if it's always been that way you know with the generation beneath and ann bilson was saying oh God, these insufferable, it's the me generation, she called them,

going on about their problems and oh, poor me and my life's so hard and it's all the adult's fault and when you grow up, your heart dies and blah, blah, blah. She wasn't buying it, but I completely loved it. Well, who remembers Anne Bilson's review? I do because I stuck it in my diary and I wrote over the top, this is crap! Exactly.

About the review. Time Out was a very right-on publication, though, wasn't it? Yeah. And it was all quite politicised, everything they wrote and reviewed. I suppose so. Yeah, they would very much go for an indie movie. You know, they'd go crazy about Repo Man, but then they'd be very snotty about anything spielberg or to hollywood oh no well you see ann bilson wrote this lovely review of et

you should read it it's great an index of the human capacity for love oh you're right man that's my et impression this is what you're like with your daughter he's pointing his finger at me this is the thing to do at parties you go up to people you go and you extend a finger and if you can see how you can try and touch them anywhere you want. I don't, I think legally it doesn't count as harassment. You can't do that, especially not if you're a man over the age of 50. Well, E.T.'s a thousand, thousands of years old.

I know, but you're not. And his finger glows. And if you do that and people try and stop you, you say, no, I'm going to heal you. I'm sure that'll stand up in court. CT getting excited there at the end. Okay, I'm going to give you a present. Oh, wow. Here's a little present.

Okay? Yes. Happy Christmas. Merry Christmas. Thanks, man. All right, now, here we go. What is this? This is Slim.

It could be... Oh, it's a personalised book, or at least it's a book that you can buy personalised versions thereof. And this is called Adam, Santa's Little Helper. It's a book for kids. I've changed some of the words. Have you? So you have to just have a little... Oh, you have changed the words. So Joe's gone through this children's book called Adam, Santa's Little Helper

and crossed out some of the words. Yeah, I've made it extra personal for you. It's sort of a story of a little boy in his school's nativity play or his school's Christmas play who is sort of directing the play and lots of stuff goes wrong in the play but adam the little boy helps everybody out so i've changed it from a boy putting on a christmas play to a boy called adam doing a christmas podcast all right

shall i read it the christmas yeah you read't know, but it won't be as good. Adam has got butterflies. The Christmas podcast's today. He's got the most important role. The helper for the podcast. It originally said the helper for the play. His friend lays out the presents while he checks the sound and mics. And next, they decorate the room.

This job is oh so right for adam it's good so far isn't it this is perfect the audience is listening the figurative curtain starts to rise i added figurative oh yeah i was gonna say adam does a sneaky fart what What a stinky old surprise. It originally said Adam takes a sneaky peek and sees 200 eyes. No, he's just... You've done a little anxiety fart. Uh-huh. He's drawn in the guff illustration. Okay.

It says the original is a woolly cotton costume covers Adam head to toe. So when he helps the snowman fly, he's camouflaged as snow. I've changed it to it's not that funny a woolly scruffy beard covers adam head to toe it makes him look so very old compared to his youthful best friend joe doesn't scan. It doesn't matter. Okay, this goes,

the drummer's drum, the piper's pipe, the turtle doves are cooing. Poor Adam cannot concentrate on anything he's doing. I've changed it to, the drummer's drum, the piper's pipe, the turtle doves are cooing. Poor Adam cannot concentrate because someone on twitter's booing oh oh you've read one nasty tweet and it's got to me and it's and it's upset you okay the next

page goes adam spots a problem the maid's milk has been dripping he'd better clean the spillage up to stop the donkey slipping adam has a great idea it's really very neat he sends some sheep onto the stage with mops upon their feet. I've changed it to, Adam spots a problem. The maid's milk has been dripping, but Joe's partner's breastfeeding issues are none of his business. Then I've crossed the other page out entirely. The next page goes...

You've crossed the other page out. That's what I was like. I just got rid of the other page. The next page goes... Then suddenly the stage goes dark. Did all the light bulbs blow? Adam finds the answer. His quick thinking saves the show.

I've changed it to... Then suddenly the podcast studio goes dark. Did all the light bulbs blow? Adam finds the answer the radiant talent of his best friend joe so bad you just changed and then and then on the studio it doesn't rhyme it doesn't scan i did it on the train. So on the facing page I've just put like

Joe's radiance lights up the stage. Yeah, so the next page goes The show has been a huge success. The children all had fun. Adam was amazing and looked after everyone. Which I've changed to The show has been a huge success.

The listeners all had fun. Adam was amazing, but Joe was number one. The next page, it says, That's nice. That's how the book ends. Oh, OK. But I've got it ending. Adam spots his family, and they run into the crowd. You are Santa's little helper, That's how the book ends. Okay. But I've got it ending.

Adam spots his family and they run into the crowd. You are Santa's little helper, but it's Joe who makes us proud. And that's the end. Thanks so much. Christ. What a Christmas pick-me-up That is And if you ever feel down Oh, man

You can just pick that book up What a stinky old surprise At first I was thinking Oh, gosh, Joe's put so much more work into his presents Than I have I'm embarrassed That's good, man, Thanks. That's alright. Adam, Santa's little helper.

That is very good. Alright, I'll give you a present. Yummy, yummy. The thing is, I was saying to you before, I really did start thinking about presents a while back, and I just couldn't find anything. And then I thought I'd found a few things that I ordered online and when they showed up, they were not what I had been promised. Shall I tell you what I was going to get?

All right, Dad. Must you make this speech around the tree every year before we get to open our presents, Dad? It's true, isn't it? The caveats. That's the kind of thing my dad used to do is actually my dad wouldn't even make the excuses he would just we would get an envelope saying i owe you something good it seemed that really yeah yeah well it's important to for a parent to

contextualize to manage expectations yeah exactly so you work very hard you ordered some stuff on the internet but it wasn't any good. It showed up and it just wasn't what was advertised. Might send it back, don't know. So instead it was just some panicky anyway, look. It's a box.

It's a box. It's like a cube. It's like a giant dice cube. Not giant, but, you know. It's very exciting. It's got a sort of soft rattle. It might be something for baby. Baby cornballs. Little baby cornballs.

Oh, okay. So it's a crap jokes toilet roll, the ultimate in toilet humour. It's a roll of toilet paper with jokes on it. With lavatorial jokes. Lavatorial jokes. Your favourite type of joke. Joe's never been a lavatorial humour fan. That's true.

It's very provocative. Propagative. Do you think it repeats the design? Or do you think there's a fresh joke all the way? It can't be fresh jokes right the way through. Okay. Now, I'd imagine these are jokes of a level that you should, if you have any sense of humour, be able to predict the answer.

Mm-hmm. Where do sheep get their hair cut? Uh... That's a pretty straightforward one. The barbers. Yes, the barbers. The barbershop. What's green and goes up and down? That's an old one.

Cucumber in an elevator. That's quite good. Why do giraffes have long necks? This is a pretty easy way to make money, isn't it? I mean, because they've declared that the jokes are crap. Yeah, yeah. And so they really don't have to put... I mean, really, the worst jokes...

Well, they're like cracker jokes in that respect. What bird is always... These are below. Come on, there's got to be some good ones in there. No, these are crapper than crackers. They've got what's brown and sticky. That's my favourite joke. What's a frog's favourite drink?

That's a dick, by the way. What's a frog's favourite drink? Hot..., by the way. What's a frog's favourite drink? Hot... Cro-Cola. I'm not... Cro-Cola? I know. Come on, that's crap.

That's crap. That's funny stuff. What insect can never be understood? Oh, I don't know. A mumblebee. Oh, mate. Come on, I've never even heard that before. What do you call a one-eyed dinosaur?

That's the joke out of Jurassic Park. Do you think he saw us? Yeah. How do snails keep their shells shiny? Slow, something slow. What do humans use to keep their nails shiny? Polish, nail polish. Snail polish.

Oh. That's good, man. I mean, that's very good. It's very good. It's very good. You see, the thing is that you can wipe your ass with them and that makes you feel better it does doesn't it well thank you so much why if i've been moving so slow it's taking ages for pages to load oh it was like this when the engineer came.

He said it was fixed, but now it's the same. I'm taking a photo of my tea to put on my Instagram. Some people like to see the tea of another man. People be tripping on tea. Pick it. Yo, she brewing a nice picket. But I can't upload. Because my Wi-Fi's too slow.

Come on. Come on. Shall I give you another Prezi? Whoa. Okay. This is a good Prezi. I mean, I saw this and I thought, this is for Adam. Oh.

Because this is going to help you, I think, with 2020. Okay. And a lot of aspects of your life in 2020. Thanks very much. And it is... It's a big old magazine, the sort of thing you buy from expensive magazine shops in soho what's the magazine called it's called fantastic man i saw that i thought of you i thought adam

is a fantastic man this is the mag for him it's an important expensive big glossy cutting edge fashion magazine called fantastic man you can tell it's new because it's a new size right it's a perfect square it says on the front this is the revamped 30th issue of fantastic man magazine totally devoted to ancient and super modern greece it's themed it's a theme magazine and so it's got some fashion tips and just some of them are looks that you might enjoy next year i love these big glossy stupid fashion magazines because in a way they're on the search for imagery that's never been seen before right like what can you possibly do that's new in the context of a fashion shoot and they come up with demented brilliant crazy fashion ideas right you're

looking at now the sort of contents page of the magazine. Oh, the contents page? Yeah, all fashion magazines have about 20 pages of ads because they can charge more for the adverts before the contents page. Got you. So that's the contents page. But instead of a list of contents, they've got a sort of manifesto of things that Fantastic Magazine stands for.

And I've just asterisked a few to help you. Things that I think pertain to you. What is Fantastic Man? One, it is all new. Yes. Capitals. So you must be doing new things next year, Adam. You are stuck in a rut.

I am, yes. You must do new things. I'm going to. This magazine will help you read more. OK. What is Fantastic Man? It is a physical printed object. There are not many of them around, are there? No around because everything's on the internet that's true yes something still exists in the fucking world

you know what is fantastic man number nine it is a project yes number 14 it shuns cliches and stereotypes. Thank fuck, because those are two of my least favourite things. I knew when I saw that. I thought, 14, there's Adam in a nutshell. Thank Christ, I finally found a magazine. That shuns... That shuns cliches and stereotypes. Yes. You know, maybe some magazines will shun one or the other, but very few shun both of them. Yeah, and you hate them.

You've had Rent-A-Kill in here before, haven't you, to get rid of them? To get rid of stereotypes, that was. I personally have got on my hands and knees and tried to eliminate the clichés. What is Fantastic Man? Number 16. It is an experiment. It's an experiment. Don't be afraid to experiment.

Okay. All right. Wow, that was a good page. Now, this is an experiment. It's an experiment. Don't be afraid to experiment. Okay. All right. Wow, that was a good page. Now, this is a poster. Look, it comes with a poster. Oh, there's a lady with no top on. Oh, that's only the tip of the iceberg. Open up that poster.

Okay. Now, this is a poster that comes through with Fantastic Man magazine. And I think it's a poster you should look at every day. It has the word. Oh. And I think it's a poster you should look at every day. It says... It has the word... Oh! What's it got on it? It's a sort of fold-out poster,

and it has several panels with black and white photographs and a couple of colour photographs of models in various poses. In the corner, it says in white capital letters against black, with black and white photographs and a couple of colour photographs of models in various poses. In the corner it says in white capital letters against black, Kraximo. Mm-hmm. K-R-A-X-I-M-O. It might be another brand. Oh, I don't know what the hell that means.

And then it's got... It's... OK, so one of the pictures is of some... It's a black and white picture of some riot police. Above that is a picture of a young man wearing a sweater with a big W on the back and gym socks and nothing else. And he has his bottom to the camera and he appears to be doing something with himself in the corner of a room then above that is next to the word craximo it's a young man who looks as if he might be a he looks like baryshnikov he's topless and he's wearing some baggy boxer shorts his willy's willy's poking out

you know secretly i'd love to run a magazine like this, wouldn't you? Yeah. Can you imagine how much fun it would be? His willy's poking out, but he also has a samurai sword stuck down through the shorts. You could get away with anything if you ran a magazine like this, don't you think? Yeah. You could take a photograph or set up a model shoot of absolutely anything you wanted to but i think that's to be serious though how some people in

the fashion industry get in trouble get in trouble that guy that photographer terry the guy all the models turn up on his doorstep a few photographers No, that's true. But obviously, you know, there are limits. There are limits. But in terms of mad shit, it's the sort of world that Harmony Corrine exists in. Exactly. Somewhere at the intersection of art and fashion, which just seems incredibly stupid and fun to me.

Yeah. And I get the impression that they have a really good time. You can write about whatever you want, do whatever you want, flounce around, get free clothes off everybody. Brilliant. Maybe we should start a magazine. We were going to start a magazine once. We were going to call it Yentl.

Were we? Yeah. We might not have thought through the repercussions of that name. Oh. were we yeah we might not have thought through the repercussions of that uh name last december i went outside and who'd i see but santa sitting on a ride with things for me he had presents in his arms and his sleigh was floating with amazing gifts i thought yes santa give me the presents right now please little fucking elves dancing round and round don't give me the presents right now, please. Little fucking elves, dancing round and round. Don't give me the stuff I don't want.

I want that stuff. No, Santa, give the fucking stuff to me. Santa said, you missed the point of the holiday. It's not about stuff. It's about thoughts and giving and love and all that. I said, fuck off back to Iceland, you twat How you doing, man? I'm doing very well. I feel like another prezzy. I'd love to have another prezzy.

Okay. Oh dear, but don't, I mean, oh dear, oh dear. Go on, give me another prezzy. It's Christmas, I'll be nice about it. Sure. Just get it over with. Here you go. Here's a prezzy for you, man. Ooh, it's Rattly. Rattly Fun Times.

It's maybe like a novelty set of cards or a puzzle. It's a game. Oh, this is good. Soundiculous. Beep, cheep, grunt, howl, and laugh your way to glory. Aged 8 plus, players 3-10, minutes 15+. It's two little packs of cards. Are the rules easy?

Yes. Okay, so the first set of cards just says... Oh, God. So basically what you have to do is, on the card are things that make noises. Yes. And you have to make the sound and the other person has to guess as many as they can. I love it.

I love it. I love it. I love it. Okay. So you divide up the cards. That's very good. I'm just going to play to you. All right.

Okay. A shaver. A bee. Fly. A bomb. Yes. A heart. Heartbeat. Heartbeat. heartbeat oh here's a tough one a shark yes spitting a pig

it's quite hard this one's quite hard. Yeah. Some of them are really hard. There's three different types. There's like medium. Happy monkey. No, that's good. No, mouse. I can't do a mouse.

How does a mouse go? No, yes. I think that's how you do it. Yes, it's difficult. He's got ideas, isn't he? Okay, that's good. Hiccup. Zip. You've got to say yes when I get them right.

Yes. A zip. Okay. Pierce Brosnan. No. A woman giving birth. No. A woman giving birth. Yes. Puking.

Arnold Schwarzenegger. A bear. This is a great game. No, that was a dinosaur, you fucking idiot. A dinosaur? You're not allowed to use your hands. Okay, I'm sorry. I didn't.

I used my teeth. Do you know why kids love dinosaurs? No. Kids love dinosaurs, right? Yeah. Do you know why? I don't. Because they're terrifying, but they're utterly extinct.

Right. They're completely non-threatening. It's the same reason why young girls like take that anyway yeah what do you mean you've had enough no no no you carry on i'm just gonna pop next door is there any chance that you might play this game at christmas yes a contemptuous pony it is christ Christmas and we are playing it. Yeah. That is Arnold Schwarzenegger. No, it's a monster.

A monster? Okay. A blinky blonky blink, plonk, blink, plonk, blink. A blinky blonk, plonk, plonk. Piano? Yes! Are you allowed to say words? No. No. Oh, that's a shame.

Okay, here's a good one. Chopper. Helicopter. Just love the smell of napalm in the morning. Love it. Do you want to do some? Yes. I'm not going to be as good as you, though.

That was impressive. Thanks, man. I'm going to give you some mediums with that in mind. Here we go. It's a ghost. Yes. That was scary. I actually know that ghost.

It's a fucker. DJ, scratching. Hip hop. A man having breathing difficulties. And beatboxing. Beatboxing. Well, come on. No one does...

The Fat Boys did, didn't they? The Fat Boys? Yeah. Only when they were having heart attacks. A bee. A circular saw. Frankie Howard. Oh, a toothbrush.

Electric toothbrush. Yeah, that was quite good because that was actually the sound inside your head. Exactly. Yeah. I'm like the guy from Police Academy. You are. What about this one?

Oh, my bad. the guy from Police Academy. You are. What about this one? It would be easier if I could say words. Boris Johnson. Yes. A giant. A giant. Yeah. That's good. All right.

How about this? Jet ski. Oh, I know. What you're doing is the hands are giving it away that was a chainsaw yeah what about this trampoline oh bungee jumping. Yes. Oh, that's good. That's good, isn't it?

How about this? Lawnmower. You've got some twigs in it there. No, I don't know. This is a bee trapped in a lawnmower. A remote-controlled aeroplane. Don't know. A lightsaber?

No. Yes, it's one of the... That sounds like some sort of industrial leaf blower. And then when it was going back in... Mine's much better. Yours is better than just then, but not before. Oh, Jesus Christ. And this is a fun game, though, isn't it?

It is. Ding, ding. Any more fairs, please? What's that one? Why don't you just say ding, ding, it's a bus. Welcome aboard the bus. Let's have a nice game of basketball. Hooray, someone scored.

That's how you play this game. I'm a small furry creature that rhymes with manster. Why in that voice though? It was the voice you did. I'm a giant fish that lives in the sea. I want to go to Christmas with that guy. That's a good game, man, but we've done it now

so you can have it back. You don't want to take it back? No, it's a very good game. That'll be fun for Christmas. Thank you. We're all in it together. Hello, good evening, and welcome. Frost on the window. Now, Joe, this year, you have been embracing the world of social media. Sure, this year I started an Instagram account.

You can find me at MrJoeCornish, all lowercase. And you know I've pretty much, let's have a look in fact, I've pretty much, I've posted 229 times. I don't promote my Instagram in any way. I'm not on Twitter or any other form of social media. I don't hashtag my posts. It's a little secret club for people who discover it. And I'm posting a lot of fun, old video and photographic material from when we were younger.

I mean, it goes all the way back to a Super 8 film we made when we were about 14 or 15, called A Few Friends for Dinner. Uh-huh. And then I've been posting little bits of some of our holiday videos, like a trip to the Marquis de Sade's castle. That's right. I saw that. A little video we made when we went on holiday to Wengenalp. Beautiful. What did you post of that?

Some little snippets. Don't worry. I'm very judicious. And you come off extremely well. In no way is it an extended program to undermine your public image. Have you got a nice reaction from people? You know, one of the nicest things about it is the comments people make. And I've got a lovely little coterie of commenters.

It's very nice. It's a lovely way to start the day. You know, I started it in my paternity leave, those late nights mornings around the house being mr mom and it was just a fun thing to do and i really quite enjoy it and you haven't got to the point now where people are starting to leave not positive comments no i have one person but instagram's quite good you can just terminate them right at. At the flick of a switch. And in fact, I don't even think I did it in the end. Everyone's very nice, no doubt. Now that we've had this conversation, that'll stop.

So thanks for that. But no, it's a warm, fuzzy place. You know, it's very good for you. Really, I'm doing a lot of work advertising you. Yeah, to remind people of... Of your acting skills. Sure skills like we got a little clip of ken corder there went up recently we got quite a lot of archive video material of louis theroux as well as a little kid you know in his book louis describes himself when he was at school

as a ninny i liked him when he was at school i like ninny louis i want a bit more ninny he's still quite a ninny isn't he he's still a ninny and that's my favorite louis he in his book describes me as ingratiating when i was at school right that's not a good word well i'd say it can flip both ways ingratiating can be someone who is very likeable, very quickly. Yeah, if you look up the definition of ingratiating on the internet, I don't know if you've been on the internet, but it's less of a positive definition. Are you upset about that?

Ingratiating, adjective, intended to gain approval or favour, sycophantic. Toadying. Fawning. Crawling. Creeping. Unctuous. Obsequious. Servile.

Submissive. Come on, this is flattering. Clawing. Nauseating. Sickening. Greasy. Oily. Saccharine.

Weedling. Cajoling. Smarmy. Slimy. Creepy. Sucky. Boot licking. Brown nosing.

So that's it for you and Louis? Yeah. That's a shame. I actually worried about it for a couple of days did you yeah because i always thought it was i thought i didn't think it was a purely i didn't think so either and i i thought okay fine fair enough but then i thought harder about it and i thought hmm maybe i'm wrong about the definition then i googled it and i read all those definitions and then i thought louis must know that he's a clever word guy. He knows his words. He must have used it deliberately with those definitions.

I'd be pretty confident. He means no ill towards you whatsoever. No, I meant it as somebody who is easy to like. I asked him about it. I certainly read it as someone who's easy to like. Yeah. That's exactly how he meant it and i believe him yeah but i did have a little paranoid day about it well i'm not surprised what a madman a whole day yeah i got myself into a state and i

thought i don't want to ask him if that's what he meant because it's too mad of me to even be worrying about it but then i couldn't stop myself worrying about it so i just thought i'll just check clear the air no in fact what i did was i was interviewing him on stage and i asked him on stage i thought that was better than just sending him a text that's a good idea do it in public yeah well done it was all fine but look i came across this bit of footage one of the very first things we shot yes when we must have been about yeah 14 15 1984 i think and it was in the house where me and my family used to live in earl's court west london and you had come over one day and my dad had recently taken possession of a very

primitive video camera. Yes, I remember it. It had a big sort of satchel style shoulder strap recording, almost like you had a VCR. Exactly. On your hip. Yeah, you did. Essentially, it was a VCR unit, VHS recorder, and had a carrying strap. And you could screw in with a big, chunky rubber cable this camera, separate camera unit that would record onto a VHS tape. And so my dad, who was the travel editor of the Sunday Telegraph at the time, would occasionally be able to road test these products. And that was one of the products that he road tested. And I immediately took possession of it and learned how to use it. And we eventually ended up being allowed to keep this thing, which is a big deal.

Not many people had video cameras in those days. It was only very rich people that had those kinds of things, or maybe schools or institutions. So it was quite cool that we had access to this video camera we just taped loads of what year was this 83 i think 84 84 i reckon and i found this thing and the first things that you and i did together were sort of tv spoofs weren't they yes mimicking things yeah i'd just seen and now for something completely different the monty python sketch film it had been on tv maybe you saw it first then as well probably i was a little ahead

of you in in many ways of course but obviously you know you see that and that was a big deal wow very funny so we recreated there was the one about the guy who wrote the funniest sketch in the world. Yes. And died laughing. We recreated that in my bedroom. And then we did other little TV spoofs. And one of them we did was a spoof of Tomorrow's World. Now, remind us what Tomorrow's World was. Tomorrow's World was a TV program. Was it on the BBC?

Yeah, it was. was a TV program. Was it on the BBC? Yeah, it was. And it was just a magazine show about innovation, technology, and things that would happen in the future. Presented by, I want to say Rod Hull, but that's wrong because he was with Emu. Yeah. Somebody like that though. Maggie Philbin? Maggie Philbin, there you go. The one you're trying to think of is Michael Rodd. That's right, Michael Rodd. Originally Raymond Baxter. This is a show that ran from 1965. It had a particularly good theme music and it had a particularly good title sequence that was amazing.

It was a kind of must-watch show for kids because it wasn't a children's show, was it? But it sat in that space between children's television and adult programming that felt like you were watching something quite sophisticated as a kid. Yeah, it was one of the first popular science programs on TV. 1965 to 2003, it ran. Philbin, Rod, Kieran Prenderville, Judith Hahn.

She was one of the longest-serving presenters. There we go. That's who I'm thinking of. Now, did she always present with other people, or was it ever Hahn solo? Thanks. And the show had several theme tunes. It didn't just have the one theme. In the 1970s, there was a jazzy one by John Dankworth. And the titles for that one was each letter of tomorrow's world appearing.

So there was a loaf of bread rising into the shape of a letter T. There was a fried egg with the yolk shaped like an I. There was some ball bearings forming an R. These must have inspired some of our little lo-fi idents on the Adam and Joe show. Exactly right, yeah. Oh yes. Very much the sound of the future. It was in the 70s.

It was in the 70s. That's the kind of World's Fair perspective on the future, you know what I mean? Like, the future's going to be fun and convenient. It's going to be convenient, fun and jazzy. Leonard Rossiter in 2001. Then we jump to one of the later themes in the late 80s. 87, this became the theme.

This is our era now. Well, no, this is after our era, really. I was still watching avidly in 87. Oh, so this is the sort of Spielbergian... Exactly. ...pretentious orchestral future it's a cross between antiques roadshow and this is an optimistic street urchin strolling into the future yes and then massive cyborgs or it's a or it's a woman scientist with big ideas battling sexism i'm sorry a woman scientist with big ideas battling sexism in a university. I'm sorry, a woman scientist?

What are you talking about? This one is by Joe Campbell and Paul Hart. Tell me something I don't already know. But the one that we grew up with was by Richard Denton and Martin Cook. And it is, I would say, an absolute banger. And now look at the latest technological trends in tomorrow's world. so what's the date on that again? So that is the theme from, I think, 1980 to 1985. Wow, that's very ahead of its time, just to have that beat, that pounding beat.

Very good. So I found this little bit of video, and our spoof of Tomorrow's World is not notable for its brilliance. But the theme that we did, and we recreated the titles by filming a lamp and just moving the camera around so that it made little trails we thought that was spacey and what we did which was sort of brilliant was make a backing track of the burbling synthesizer so we recorded me doing that and then played it underneath and then we sang over the top of it you and me let's hear it

but look man But look, man, having a little Tomorrow's World memory bath made me think about how that kind of show wouldn't really get made today. Ooh. This is like a kind of Radio 4 cultural review show now. They made The Last Tomorrow's World in 2003, but back then the format of the show, I think it was beginning to become a little bit more aware of, oh, you know, there might be some downsides to technology and progress

and we should deal with some of those. It wasn't all up-tempo and, ooh, the future's going to be great, which it was when we were growing up, wasn't it? I suppose it was mainly about innovation and convenience, but I think you could still make a show like that. But the future now, how you look at the future, again, this is this book I bought this year by John Higgs, The Future Starts Here. The way that most people imagine the future now is pretty negative and nihilistic. The way that we imagine futures has now become,

you kind of have to imagine it as a dystopia. The only film I can think of that hasn't done that recently was Tomorrowland. And even that, that was almost a diatribe about how jaundiced our imagination about the future was. You know what I mean? Yeah, maybe. Stuff like guardians of the galaxy i guess there's much more far-fetched stuff that's just science fiction though i suppose you're talking about stuff that's directly presented as an extrapolation of uh where

things will go maybe you're right i i think also they don't make that sort of show anymore do they they don't really make magazine shows don anymore, do they? They don't really make magazine shows. Don't they? Well, they do sort of consumer affairs shows. Only just. Watchdog type things. They only just. And they keep having to rejig the formats to keep it interesting. Uh-huh. People don't basically sit and talk to a camera anymore.

They do if they're unboxing something on YouTube. Well, exactly. They do on YouTube. Yeah. But it's not good enough for proper telly anymore. Yeah. be like a movie on tv now which is sometimes good movies are good movies are nice i love movies listen i've got nothing against movies that's not what i'm saying but i was thinking i challenged joe i i challenged joe i challenged Joe. I can't say challenged. I challenged Joe before

we met up to come up with a theme tune. You're never going to be a TV presenter. No, I'm not. Because one of the words they have to, one of the sentences they have to say is I challenged. So, I challenged Suki to see whether she could get across London faster than me. So,

we challenged London Transport to tell us why. So I challenged Terry to prove that he's got that thing that he said he did. That's what I was trying to do. Say it again. So I challenged Joe. I challenged Joe. Can you challenge Annika? So I challenge Annika.

I can do it in the present i challenge say i challenged i challenged annika perfect i challenged joe you've made you're on you're on all right thanks you're on tv but the problem is you're on in the past so i challenged joe to come up with a new theme tune for tomorrow's world if it was on today yeah so would you like to go first or shall i not really because i think i've strayed quite a long way from the brief well obviously there are a certain number of ways to go with this brief and i wonder if we've both gone exactly the same i very much doubt it i actually i'll tell you what my initial idea was yeah go on and this probably would have been quite good my initial idea was well what if tom york did it oh because i'd read that song i'd

heard that read that song i'd listen to his song he's circling around the drain yep or something it's a very beautiful animated video amazing video but i don't know and i thought well that would be funny if it was just tom york complaining about how he's bought call of duty modern warfare and there's a four-hour download before he can play it stuff like that and he'd just be like warbling in his slightly weird sort of choral nonsensical manner but frankly i couldn't get the sounds out of garage band because one of the things he does is they find very unique sounds. Yeah, there's more to it than you might imagine.

Oh, I'm not disparaging it. Yeah, well, just don't. I discovered that there was more to it when you try and mimic it. So I went off somewhere else. So if you've stuck to the brief, I think you should set the tone here. Have I stuck to the brief, though?

Tell us. That's the question. Because in the olden days, when we were on Six Music, we had a segment called Song Wars, when we would often challenge each other to do songs for the show. And I forgot the amount of trauma that I used to go through week on week, leaving it too late. I'd only have a couple of days left until the show and then i think i'll

i'll toss a song off it'll be fine go on garage band put a few loops together and sing some nonsense over it'll be fine but it turned into a big psycho drama for me and they got more and more elaborate and it started to send me nuts and this is what happened this time i just overthought it massively so i've done about six. I can't wait. I'm not going to play you all the different versions. You've done six? I did various.

Not six finished ones. No, no, no. You started and abandoned six times. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll just play you the final one. But it is... Can I hear it through headphones? Oh, okay, yeah.

I've got some headphones in my bag. Sure. But I'd like to appreciate the full mastery. I'm going to activate the noise cancelling as well. Ooh. And I've only got 30% battery left, so this is sacrificing some of my trained silence. Okay, here we go.

Tomorrow's World. Tomorrow's World. Tomorrow's World. Tomorrow's World. Tomorrow's World. Tomorrow's World. So, Tomorrow's World. Tomorrow's World Tomorrow's World Tomorrow's World So, Tomorrow's World Tomorrow's World

Tomorrow's World Tomorrow's World Problems affecting the whole of the world today Climate change, inequality, bad Wi-Fi, make it go away Robots taking over our lives Husbands turning into wives Babies threatening mums with knives I'm frightened of tomorrow's world Tomorrow's world

Tomorrow's world Tomorrow's world Tomorrow's world We can get Brexit done We can get Brexit done Al Qaeda We could lie in the sun We could lie in the sun

Playing games with stones and twigs Playing games with stones and twigs Till I get jealous of your twig Cause your twig's so big Then I'll kill you in the head With my stone and steal your twig Oh, that's a very downbeat ending. It ends with a murder. It's... wow. That's very very i thought that was very good i don't i think you

should be very happy with what you've done i took the kitchen sink approach you did and i enjoyed the use of a lot of familiar sound effects there like little um found bits of audio confused like beadly beadly yeah tweaky the robot and that was a truck reversing yeah boris johnson someone saying al-qaeda lots of familiar futuristic sounds trump saying al-qaeda was it and then it had a very powerful sort of germanic house beat it was a sonic fiesta it really was wasn't it was very good and i think if they bring the show back not only should they use that theme tune but you should present it all right now you can hear the torment in it you can can't you you can it's like a sort of glimpse into your brain

at two in the morning it really is that's three days ago that's exactly what garage band is like that it's working on your own it's very odd um i kept on trying to remind myself that when i had brian you know on the podcast he was saying the impulse is always to add when you're making music or making anything creative. You always feel he calls it screwdrivering. You always feel as if you should be putting more in and that'll be good. But actually, what you should be doing is taking. Well, that's a drawing tip as well. Don't you remember that from drawing days or when you'd made a painting that you just have to know when to stop?

Yeah. Adding little noodles. I reached a certain point. I just thought, screw it. And it was about two in the morning. Don't you remember that from drawing days or when you'd made a painting that you just have to know when to stop? Yeah. Adding little noodles. I reached a certain point. I just thought, screw it. And it was about two in the morning. I was like, it's all going in. I'm not even going to think it through. You did a very good job.

Thanks. You should be very pleased with it. This is a noncombative Christmas. That's true. It's not Song Wars. It's Song Christmas. Yeah. And everybody wins.

Yeah. There's no voting for this. I'm just trying to pad myself. We've had enough votes this year. Oh, we will be by the time this goes up. All right, do you want to hear mine? Yes, please. I kind of forgot the brief a bit.

I thought it was something to do with tomorrow's world and it's a future thing. So it popped into my head that many, many years ago, and this is a real completist Adam and Joe thing, on our Glastonbury coverage i promised that i would play harvest moon i would sing harvest moon yeah and i never did and i'm a man who keeps his some of his words so i thought well what if i did neil young harvest moon style singing a theme tune to tomorrow's world and then it just became well

what does neil young think of technology and modernity so that's sort of what i've done it's a sort of neil young song about modernity with a very particular um thing he's saying it doesn't it's quite you know anyway here it is alright used to have a record player go buy records in the store Used to need a pen and paper When I wanted to write or draw. Very nice play.

It's quite long. But now those times have all gone by because I can do it on my phone. No one needs those things no more because I can do it on my phone No one needs those things no more Cause I can do it on my fucking phone Perry David Lynch My fucking phone

When I needed to do math I would use a calculator If I wanted to masturbate. I would use a calculator. Used to buy dirty magazines. If I wanted to masturbate. Christmas Eve. Christmas things no more cause I can do it on my fucking phone

felt like watching a movie go to the cinema Sin and Mock Felt like meeting some new folk Might go out to a bar But now those times have gone away Cos I can do it on my phone Don't need those things no more Cos I can do it on my fucking phone Yay!

Loved it, man. That is like a Christmas... I consider that a beautiful Christmas gift. A beautiful Christmas gift. Well, you've done very well. Just for me and for the listeners. I'm sure they are as grateful as I am. Well, it was a good challenge

and I thought two very creative approaches to it. Right. Now, Joe, we are coming towards the end of the podcast this Christmas. And to get you in the mood for this segment, I've got a jingle for you. And this is, again, the product of my trawling through the past in the course of writing my book. And I was trying to think of adverts that we used to enjoy when we were at school. And this is one from around 1987. Do you remember this? Noodle doodle came to town

With lots of straight spaghetti Twisted it around and round and round Now this is what you get A noodle doodle doodle doodle No checkers A noodle doodle doodle doodle Houses A noodle doodle doodle doodle Butterflies Eek! Noodle doodle mouses Whoa, that's strong stuff.

It's strong, and it was accompanied by an animated ad with a little noodle man. They were children's noodles. I don't think you can get them anymore. And I just remember that bit where he goes it's a good voice i think i can tell where this is going the use of the word doodle the use of the word doodle should be a clue and wow what a year it's been for the doodle story because earlier this year when you were on your publicity tour i asked you earlier on if you had uh been on any tv shows that's true i forgot the one show you were on the

one show and this was in february 2019 and you told the doodle story i did it caused some controversy didn't it oh mate amongst the listeners myst the listeners. My Twitter feed lit up. I'm going to read you a few of the messages that I received after that appearance, which I didn't watch, by the way, not because I don't love Joe Cornish. I was busy doing something else. But I looked on Twitter and I was like, what the hell is going on? I had loads of messages. And I figured out, oh, okay, Joe's been on the one show promoting the kid who would be king.

And evidently they've asked him about the Doodle story. And as far as the Twitterati were concerned, you had divulged way too much. And, you know, people hate spoilers. I think, if I may jump in there, it was the very fact that what they felt was their story right was being paraded in front of but it was more than that they felt that you had divulged new they felt but they i think they were wrong okay look here's some messages dr john sutton he says at adam buxton i'm wondering how you feel about joe trotting out the whole of the tom cruise doodle story. Trotting out. On BBC's The One Show. Calm as you like, as if it's no big deal.

Will there even be a 2019 Christmas podcast now? Trotting out. That's like, why trotting? Like an arrogant little piglet. No, maybe because of the hoof. Ian Kitching says of your appearance and the Doodle Story divulgence, and what he sees as Doodle Story spoilers, unshitting believable.

Luke Bitmap, worse than Brexit, says Luke. John O'Bolton, Adam and no. Whoa, I'm being raked over the coals. This is what it's like on social media. Watch out. Jack Cuthbert, if this upsets you, don't listen to the Empire Magazine podcast. He talks about it again. Oh, man.

I was pretty aware that this would be a thing. And I took great care not to divulge any further story. I might have done a different voice or maybe provided a different detail. But, you know, to be perfectly honest, I wasn't ready for the Doodle story to take on this scale of import. Did you know they were going to ask you about the Doodle story on the one show? I've seen Mr. Cruise twice this year. Oh, yeah. Whoa. story on the one i've seen i've seen mr cruz twice this year oh yeah whoa so i've actually

got some new anecdotes in the anecdote canon but he's not gonna tell you can't just say that because you're not gonna tell us them are you no i'll tell you this is exactly how this whole fucking thing started the doodle the doodle story i don't think I gave away anything new. So you're in California? In California, Los Angeles, Giant Studios in Santa Monica by the beach. Oh God, I can't remember. Like 2008, maybe? Early days. And I'm having some sort of a meeting to do with the uh the writing of the the

Tintin movie and we're in a a little room in a giant studios in Santa Monica where they're doing some test footage to test the motion camera rigs and stuff Steven Spielberg's there Edgar Wright's there Peter Jackson may or may not have been there Simon Pegg's there Nick Frost may or may not have been there Edgar's been contesting some of these details. And so does Simon. And so did Simon. What did Simon say? Simon said that Nick was not there.

I'm just trying to pack it full of famous people. And that Peter Jackson was not there. Okay. Okay, well, let's just give them... And that you weren't there. Let's give them the benefit of the doubt and say that Peter Jackson wasn't there, and Nick Frost wasn't thereeter jackson wasn't there nick frost wasn't

there and i wasn't there so peter jackson steven spielberg simon pegg nick frost me and edgar are all in a room in giant studios in santa monica and the door bursts open and watch tom cruise and he knows simon he shakes simon's hand he knows mr spielberg he knows edgar the only person in the room he doesn't know is me and he's very attentiveberg. He knows Edgar. The only person in the room he doesn't know is me. And he's very attentive. He makes you think you're the only person in the world when you meet him. So he shakes my hand, says, hey, I'm Tom. Eye contact.

Two-hand handshake. I think maybe one-handed handshake. Sits down next to me, which is quite exciting. I've been doodling during this meeting. I'm doodling a picture of Snowy the dog. We know. me which is quite exciting i've been doodling during this meeting i'm doodling a picture of snowy the dog we know this is for people who might only have joined the podcast this year you've got a lot of fresh listeners this year okay it's very important i'm doodling snowy the dog and i've drawn all four legs but one of the front legs

i haven't i've just drawn two parallel lines i haven't joined them up yet tom cruise sits next to me and the meeting carries on and he looks at my doodle and he says is that your doodle i said yeah yeah it's my doodle are you enjoying this yeah i said yeah he says uh can i doodle i said yes sure tom sure doodle he picks up the pen he goes to the two parallel lines i'm remembering this now it's as if it's happening in front of me it's for me it's like a weird recurring nightmare that only recurs you needn't have asked me you needn't have asked me i don't have to tell you the most amazing anecdote in the world.

And instead of linking up the two lines and drawing a paw, he draws a black square, which is available for viewing on my Instagram. That's right. Also showed it on The One Show. You tweeted it, in fact. You had the world premiere on your Twitter account. Yes.

Of that doodle. So the doodle exists to be inspected. he draws a black square as if he's worried that uh he doesn't know where this doodle will go he doesn't really know who i am obviously when tom draws anything it has value right creates anything it has value he's like leonardo de caprio yeah and so that's how far I got, right? Yes, it was a hoof. We established that it was. And I say. You say, oh, you've done a doodle.

I say, oh, look at that. You've done a little bit of a doodle. You've given Snowy a hoof. And Tom goes, this is the new bit. Tom goes, that's right. It's a hoof. I've given Snowy a hoof and then he turns to spielberg and says hey steven look i've given snowy a hoof and steven spielberg turns around looks up and

says that's it for this year shut up no that's all i'm gonna say for this year that's all i'm gonna say for this year you've got quite a lot all I'm going to say for this year. You've got quite a lot more. What? You've got a couple of lines of dialogue. You've got Steven Spielberg turning round. Next year. That's not a story. Christmas 2020.

But look, mate, you're going to get cancelled. You've got to have something to look forward to. I was trying to not use the word cancelled in this podcast. It's important to have something to look forward to. We're going to both get killed. Oh, you think we won't be around this time next year to do the podcast? No, we're going to be beaten to death for ending the podcast with you saying,

and then Steven Spielberg turned around, and that's the end of this year's episode. It's important for people to be patient. It's a very important message at Christmas. There's patience, and then there's inhumane torture. No, that's it for this Christmas. It's very important you don't get greedy. What?

Christmas isn't about receiving things. I don't think they'd be greedy. It's about receiving a little bit of stuff and then giving. Give me another year. The podcast just started. I gave you a lot and I proved that I did not say it all on the one show. He's wagging his finger. There's new bits.

Four years ago this started. What a cliffhanger. It's like the best Netflix series ever written. He does. This year, little Timmy, I'm giving you the second wheel of your fire engine

that you wanted. And next year, there's going to be a rung from the ladder of your little fire engine that you wanted that next year there's going to be a rung from the ladder of your little fire engine that you wanted that only costs 99p and is essentially a worthless do you know little timmy little timmy grows up to be an incredibly good person very very patient very wise understands that the world is just about being patiently waiting for wonderful things all right wait till next year when i actually don't want to tell you what he said i can't even remember the end of the genuine story i told you the story i know you did but it was so long ago that i've

forgotten and i don't even think it made that big an impact when you told it me oh it's good that's the thing is that this all started when i said to you what was that story again i just wanted you to say it because it wasn't you know it's fine oh it's good you're saying it's really good it's a great story not many stories last for five years are so good no they last for five years i've noticed that too they don't do they all right say happy christmas happy christmas more than that though happy christmas listeners it's not my podcast to say well you can now you're your your honorary happy christmas listeners we hope you've had a wonderful 2019.

2020 is a good number, isn't it? It's going to be just fun to say that for a year, don't you think? Yeah. 2020. 2020. It's better than those miserable years when we didn't even know what the decade was called. No, 2005 or 2005 or... I mean, the whole decade is going to be 2021 2021 2022 yeah we're in the 20s now the

20s amazing mate we're post blade runner are we really yeah when was blade runner set 2019 it's quite recent it might be september 2019 the day lots of people tweeted about it on the day that we were now post blade runner did they tweet it one letter at a time over a period of five years? Well, they should have. If they had, maybe they would have gained a massive following. Wait. This is an advert for Squarespace. Every time I visit your website, I see success.

Yes, success. The way that you look at the world makes the world want to say yes. It looks very professional. I love browsing your videos and pics, and I don't want to stop. And I'd like to access your members area and spend in your shop. These are the kinds of comments people will say about your website if you build it with Squarespace. Just visit squarespace.com slash buxton for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, because you will want to launch,

use the offer code BUXTON to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. So put the smile of success on your face with Squarespace. Yes. Continue. Did you get your precious photos? Hey, welcome back, podcats. There you go. Possibly more controversial, even, than The Rise of Skywalker. I don't know. Anyway, I'm very grateful to Joe for making the time and putting all the effort that he did into his preparations for the podcast.

Not just the song, but there were more presents that you didn't hear about on the actual podcast. He brought me some serious presents as well. It was really nice. A book about Prefab Sprout. A thumb drive with a load of obscure Pre prefab Sprout tunes on it. I didn't do very well on the present front for Joe. Next year, I promise, I'm going to clear my diary for the whole of December and my Christmas prep is going to be a lot better.

Wow, it's such a pretty day here. It's Christmas Eve in Norfolk. And you can hear the church bells over there. And the sun is going down. It's lovely and fresh. It's not raining. Rosie's happy. Everyone's more or less okay in my family.

You know, within reason. Hey, that reminds me. My mum is being looked after by lovely people who work for the NHS. I'm so grateful to them, as I'm sure many of you are too. I raise my metaphorical glass to all those people who work so hard. Also, look, if you've enjoyed the podcast this year, perhaps you might like to contribute to a good cause.

By way of thanks, if you want to. You don't have to. We won't fall out if you don't. It's just if you have the inclination and the means. And I've put a couple of links in the description of this podcast to charities that I think are doing a good job. I mean, just a couple of them, you know, there's loads of charities that are doing a good job, right? But these are a couple that I am fond of. There's Blue Cross, a charity that provides care and treatment for thousands of pets and they generally help look out for the welfare of our animal friends. There's a link for donations and more information about Blue Cross in the description of this podcast. As for helping our

fellow humans, I spoke to someone who works at a food bank out here in Norwich. I spoke to them just before Christmas and she told me that people have been very generous this December but she said that January is often the time that food donations are less plentiful. So you know bear that in mind if you're able to contribute but probably give them a call, check what they need. Wow, that's so thoughtful and Christmassy of you, Buckles. Honestly, that's fine. Well, look, that's pretty much it for this year. As the Queen pointed out,

it's been a Laura, Laura, so bumpy year, innit? The podcast will return with more rambly conversations towards the beginning of April in 2020. I look forward very much to meeting some of you on my book tour. Links to shows in the description as I speak. There are still tickets available for shows in Canterbury, York, Newcastle, Inverness, Dublin and Aberdeen. It'll be me reading bits from my book. Although I also will just be talking.

It won't all just be reading with silences in the middle. I will be conversing with the audience. I'm looking forward to it. If you think that sounds fun, check out the link in the description and come along thank you very much indeed to Seamus Murphy Mitchell for all his extremely hard work this year and for his production support and thanks to Matt Lamont for his additional editing on this episode and thanks once again to Matt for all the work he's done throughout the year on the

podcast very much appreciated thanks Annika as well for your edit work on the podcast thanks to ACAST and thanks very much indeed to you for listening I wish you all the very best for the rest of the holidays and on into 2020 come on we can do this what do you think rosie it's all gonna be fine isn't it all right come on let's have a hug yeah give us a hug oh did you just squeeze my ass well that's not cool, but luckily, I love you. Bye! Bye. Thank you.