THE ADAM BUXTON PODCAST - EP.12 - ADAM & JOE'S CHRISTMAS PODCAST 2015

Episode Date: December 25, 2015

Adam is joined by Joe Cornish for not entirely family friendly Christmas rambling, gift exchanging and reading of messages from listeners. Have a good one! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This podcast contains two uses of the S-word, and I'm not talking about Santa. There's also references to bad adult behavior and stupid behavior. I added one more podcast to the giant podcast bin. Now you have plucked that podcast out and started listening. I took my microphone and found some human folk. Then I recorded all the noises while we spoke.

My name is Adam Buxton. I'm a man. I want you to enjoy this. That's the plan. Hey, happy Christmas, podcats. That's the plan. I know that it's not the best time of year for some people. Some people really don't like this time of year at all. And if you're one of those people, well, I hope that the next hour very, very slightly improves your Christmas. And if you are someone that absolutely loves Christmas and is having a wonderful day,

then I very much hope that the next hour doesn't destroy it. You know the deal. It's Joe Cornish. And the podcast is a little bit like the ones we used to do at Six Music. Not exactly the same. So, you know, don't expect Text the Nation and Song Wars because that's not happening. But there's other little bits and pieces that may feel familiar to you. We had a good

time recording it and i hope you enjoy listening to it i really don't think there's too much more i need to explain so here we go We'll focus first on this, then concentrate on that. Come on, let's tune the bat and have a ramble chat. Put on your fluffy winter coat and hide your Santa hat. Yeah, yeah, listeners. I don't really feel I'm in a place to be saying that because I'm your guest. And just then I sort of took over by talking directly to the listeners. Now we're on an equal footing. Are we?

For crinkles. Well, happy Christmas, listeners. Yeah, happy Christmas. And thank you so much for joining us. So what we're going to do is go through some of the messages that you kindly sent in and give each other a few presents for an hour or so and then let you get on with your Christmas. I'm going to start by reading out a message that I got from...

Well, do you want to start, Joe? Shall I kick off with a funny one that's sort of just about nothing? OK. That came from a guy called Paul Campbell. Greetings, Buckles. I have a story which isn't Christmassy, but is James Bond related. Oh. So kind of topical, what with Spectre and all that. Did you read this one?

No. Anyway, years ago, my friend Ed attended the launch of a 007 exhibition and bumped into the late Desmond Llewellyn, better known, of course, as Q. Yes. Eager for a keepsake, Ed proffered his Bond movie poster for Mr. Llewellyn to sign, mentioning the title, From Russia With Love, in the hope of a related anecdote or two. Now, I'm not sure whether Ed's strong Glaswegian accent or Q's failing hearing was to blame, but ever since that day, Ed has been the proud owner of a 007 poster which bears the rather unique dedication to Russell with love. Desmond Llewellyn. Ah, that's nice thanks paul that's good here's one did you see this one i'm gonna continue talking about it oh

yeah go on then because bond is very christmassy sure isn't it because you always used to have bond films on telly at christmas i know so that connects thematically do they still have which is why it's clever christmas bond films story that is well they still have Christmas Bond films? That is clever. Well, they just have movies on telly all year round now, don't they? A movie on telly used to be a special occasion. It's not an event anymore, is it? Like Django Unchained popped up on Channel 5 just by the by.

I thought surely there should be more fanfare. But no, no one really cares. Well, in the olden times, we've probably spoken about this before, but yeah, when Star Wars or Raiders of the Lost Ark was on TV for the first time. Moonraker, Christmas 82. The cover of the TV Times, and you would just think, oh my goodness, I can't believe this is so exciting. Very exciting. And you'd all gather around the TV, and that was pre-recorders as well,

so you couldn't even tape the mother. Here's a message from Mitch. Actually, no, at the end, he has a number of AKAs. Mitch, aka Milsh, aka Popper, aka Funky D, Wonky Legs, and Wise Man Drinkwater. Wise Man Drinkwater. Wow.

Sounds like he's lived with a lot of American Indian tribes. Native people. And they've given him different names. Did you see Rich Hall's show about the native people? No. It's offensive to call them Native Americans because they were there before the Americans. Right. It was their land.

Right. But native people feels too far the other way it feels a bit broad it's just too general it is isn't it yeah it was a good show you should seek it out you can probably find it on the iplayer anyway mitch says wagwan buckles and corn balls what are you saying he's he's immediately talking my language yeah i think it's where it's coming from it's aimed at you i think is it i don't know wag wan buckles and corn balls but it's in your language what what are you saying how is it all right he says how that's good how is it all right not how is it but ow ow that's good how is it all

right he's from bris he says mitch from bristle here So he's from Bristol. Maybe I should do a Bristolian accent and make it more accurate. Wagwan, buckles and cornballs. What you saying? How is it all right? Mitch from Brizle here. I mean, this is not an accurate Bristol accent, but I'm doing my best on Christmas Day. About to, and then he continues, about to hit that morning doobie, yo. Nice.

Early morning doobie. And then he says, don't have much to say, yo. Nice. Early morning doobie. And then he says, don't have much to say, to be honest. Continues, totally pointless. I even carry on typing, really. I can't wait for Star Wars, by the way. That shiznit gonna be off the chain, for real.

Anyway, I'd like to thank you both for your grand humour and keeping my brain busy while working a soul-destroying job. I hope you both have a super Christmas. All the best. May the Force be with you, always. P.S. Is Cornballs planning on making more movies? If so, can I be in one? I have no acting experience, apart from a C in GCSE drama, but I'm a

quick learner. Love you both. Bye. Mitch, aka Milch, Popper, Funky D, Wonky Legs, Wise Man, Drink Water. Yes. Well, there we go. I'm already thinking of a series of Dances with Wolves sequels involving one based around each of those names. Because I think

he's equally as qualified as Kevin Cosner. Right. I think he got a C in drama but he learned very quickly and became absolutely excellent here's a letter from someone called Andy from Dorset he says hello gents on a Christmas theme when I was about eight all right eight I once wrote in a Christmas card to my aunt yeah whose name is diane or die for short dear auntie comma die suffice to say i use just doesn't work read out does it doesn't it work read out no how's he spelling the name die well that's no good dear auntie comma die suffice to say i was not allowed to write any more cards from then on why is he spelling, because he's eight.

Because he's eight. He doesn't understand that die, as in Diana, you just go for the D-I. Yes. Well, Andy, get it together! I like the idea that Auntie Diane might actually feel her life was slightly threatened by her eight-year-old relative.

Like part of her, he wants to kill me. He wants to kill me. No, no, it's all right. It's just a spelling mistake. Marion, can I talk to you about Andy? I'd like to show you something he sent me. Marion, it's Diana. Listen, I'm a little worried about him.

That's a nice message. Thanks, Andy. We'll give out some presents in a second, yeah? But before we do that, here's something from Puff Pastry Hang pastry hangman hello when my mum would nip into a shop myself and my two brothers would wait in the car for a few minutes we'd grow bored pretty quickly and try to find something to entertain ourselves with the easiest and most fun thing to do was just to beep the horn as long and as often as we could while mum's in the shop probably to annoy those around us and

let's face it also to wind up our mum as much as possible instant gratification after a few times of dealing with the embarrassment my mum had come up with some sort of deterrent she told us that if we pressed the horn a certain number of times, a hand would come through the steering wheel and take us into the bowels of the car, never to be seen again. It was a terrifying idea, and one that we weren't sure we wanted to test. We never beeped the horn again.

But I don't think we were ever fully comfortable sitting in a stationary car either, even to this day. Love you, bye! Puff Pastry Hangman. Wow, that's a good premise for a horror film there's a movie called hyder in the house do you remember that movie no is it ruka howard there's a couple of movies based on this premise where they move into a house and the previous occupant is basically still there but living in the walls and between the floors and

to do which is just about feasible you know in hollywood movies most crawl spaces are bigger than they are in the real world whether it's an air duct or and so you know that that same logic applied to a house but a car someone actually it's like the lady in the van but like maybe the sequel i haven't seen the lady in the van i'm not sure what happens but i assume it's about a lady in a van. I mean, I kind of know what happens. She's living outside Alan Bennett's house, and she's cantankerous, etc. She's the Dowager Duchess.

But the sequel to that, Bennett thinks she's gone. But actually, she's actually in the van. Or maybe she's moved into his car. She's lying. She's cleared herself of space under the bonnet, and she emerges through the wheel arch. Yes. The wheel arch?

The steering wheel column. Again, check out Top Gear. She'd have to take all her clothes off and lube herself up. And then climb in the... Are you talking about Dame Maggie Smith? Yeah. Sure, she'd do that. She loves a challenge.

And then she'd have to enter the car via the exhaust pipe. It would start with her just bunching her fingers like that. Because that's the narrowest bit of your body you can make if you push all your fingertips together. I know, I know. She'd push herself. It would take her a couple of weeks. He did it in the X-Files, right?

The worm man that squeezed through little spaces. Tombs. Tombs. All you have to do is take all these very successful premises from other highly successful media. All you've done now, though. And combine them into what is really moving things forward. Yeah, that's all fine.

You're ignoring the fact that you have conjured an image of Dame Maggie Smith lubed up. I just like saying lubed up. I'm going to cut all this bit out. Why? That's family friendly, Dame Maggie Smith. Yeah. Oiled up.

Squeezing herself into the exhaust of an old van over the space of two weeks. That's exactly the sort of image people want in their heads at Christmas. A couple of feet away is Santa chuckling. With his hand on his full stomach. Also lubing himself up. Tipping a little wink to Rudolph. Well, that's a different story. So who's going to go first with the Prezi giving?

Who's going to go first with the Prezi giving? How do you decide? I mean, that's a major thing in families. Like, what is the present protocol in your family? Do you all watch each other opening the presents? Yes, we do, yes. It's a performance, so you'll select which kid is going to open first, and you'll all watch as they open an allocated prezzie.

Yeah, and it's... It's not like a free-for-all bun fight. No. No, and was that the case with your parents? Yeah, and everyone has to watch while a present is being unwrapped. Right, why? To extend the whole process, and so everyone can join in and say,

oh, look what you've got, yay! So you're not too just focused on your own gratification. So you can thank the person. Exactly. So it's a genuine interaction. Not just like a mob rule. It's not like, what's next? Give me more things.

It's really guts. Yeah. I think the best thing to do is come in there in the morning and just dive, like physically dive into the presents. And like knock the tree over. And just open them all. You just don't care who they're for. Just rip it all open. That would be fun. Sitting in the tree over. And just open them all. You don't care who they're for. Just rip it all open. That would be fun.

Sitting in the Christmas tree. Possibly with a mild electric current running through your body from the fairy lights. Like a low-level electric shock. Because one of the fairy lights has got embedded in your thigh. Yeah, yeah. But it's sweet. It's just like being tickled by Jesus. Yeah. And you just open all the presents. one of the fairy lights has got embedded in your thigh yeah yeah but it's it's feeling it's sweet it's just like being tickled by um jesus yeah and uh you just open all the presents and then smash

them present number one oh it is a a blu-ray oh no way so this is going to take a bit of explaining, right? Oh, my gosh. OK, this is a Blu-ray and the title of the film, Kurt McDowell's Thundercrack. Now, that will elicit a gasp of recognition from anyone who used to frequent the Scarlet Cinema in King's Cross in the... Mid-'80s.

Mid-'80s. Yeah. When they would have all-night showings of obscure films The Scala Cinema in King's Cross in the... Mid-'80s. Mid-'80s. Yeah. When they would have all-night showings of obscure films and... It's a very famous repertory cinema in London that's since closed and become a nightclub. It was run by Stephen Woolley, Nick Powell? Maybe Nick Powell. Really?

Palace Pictures guys. It's an incredibly famous repertory cinema that showed super cool double bills the whole time. If you'd only ever been to sort of regular mainstream cinema chains like Odeon's or whatever, then it was a bit of a shock to suddenly be in this rather dilapidated, shabby place, which was sort of damp and the paint was peeling. Very big, though. Yeah.

And you'd go into the, this was back in the smoke age as well, when you could. You could smoke there. There was a cat. There was a house cat that would crawl along the back of the seats. Every now and again you could hear the rumbles from the trains coming into King's Cross. No recent releases. This was all cool repertory stuff. And they were famous for this poster, pull-out poster magazine thing, pamphlet, flyer that they released every month.

They would also have... The Prince Charles is a bit like this now. That's right. In London. That's sort of carrying the flame for that kind of thing. They would also have preview screenings there, audience test screenings. And I still have a photocopied sheet from when we went to see a test screening of Nightmare on Elm Street. No.

And we filled out the reactions to it. We were asked, you know, do you think it's too scary? Are you happy that the bad guy gets killed in the end? Do you think he should win? How weird. I wonder if that was the original ending. Because Nightmare on Elm Street used to have Freddy used to survive at the end.

Whereas Craven originally wanted him to live. Right. But they imposed another ending on him. Yeah. It was very exciting. Wow. I'd forgotten about that. But one of the first things you and I did together as friends was go to the Scala late one night and see a double bill of John Waters scratch-and-sniff film polyester yeah starring divine where they gave you a scratch and sniff card and you smelt different things as the movie progressed and then that's why we went but the second film in the double bill was a film we knew nothing about called thundercrack we should say as well that because of the nature of the way the cinema was run you had to become

a member that's right to see the film because they would they show clockwork orange and stuff there because it was a club they didn't have to obey the censorship rules that's right and so they would show uh the realm of the senses Right. And films that had been banned elsewhere in the UK because they were considered obscene. Yes. Straw Dogs, maybe. Exorcist, would they show? Yeah, sure. This was back in the day when movies were still banned.

And they had Xs. There was no 18s. It was like X. And we saw this thing, Thundercrack. Polyester was already fairly far out. And you're scratching and sniffing at the card. And some of the smells are things like dog plops and vomit and things like that. We were how old? Fifteen?

Were we that young? Yeah. So it was all very transgressive and exciting. We didn't know what Thundercrack was though. We thought, should we stay for this thing, Thundercrack? So we stayed. Thundercrack is... It's black and white. Right. American.

And it's like a spoof of a kind of teen slasher movie. As far as I remember, it's a bit like the Rocky Horror Picture Show in that it's a couple in a car on a stormy night. The car breaks down outside this spooky house and they go into the spooky house and they encounter this weird family. And I remember there's a gorilla locked in a cupboard. this weird family and all and i remember there's a there's there's a gorilla right in the butt like

locked in a cupboard so things happened in this movie that were pretty outrageous and transgressive between the gorilla and the woman and there was some imagery in it that freaked me out and i turned to adam and said adam this is crossing the line look you know we've got to go i've got to go we've got to go this is weird so we so, we've got to go. This is weird. So I forced, but Adam was enjoying the Gorilla Lady bath and he didn't want to go. But I forced us to leave and now, what is this? 30 years later,

I have discovered that this film is now available in a 2K restored double Blu-ray pack. So Adam, you can finally complete your viewing of Thundercrack. And I think this is now the end of our friendship. Thanks, man.

It's an amazing present. Witness, if you dare, I'm reading from the back now, Thundercrack, the world's only underground kinky art adult horror film, complete with four men, three women, an insane hostess and rampaging circus animals.

There you go. With the initial set-up of an atmospheric gothic tale, a dark and stormy night breakdown featuring a creepy old house on the hill, it quickly turns into an eerie orgy of graphic humour, horror and sex. A tour de force of underground filmmaking. We sort of didn't know what it was. We hadn't really, or I hadn't encountered sort of counter-cultural, subversive

business. At that age, you're trying to learn the status quo. You're not ready to have the status quo flipped, really, are you? Absolutely not. Polyester was enough of a straying from the path for me without what Thundercrack was throwing onto the screen yeah

because they would show pink flamingos and things like that as well and like why was it black and white it was already it was already disturbing enough to know that divine in pink flamingos actually eats real dog plops that's right that was a scandalous urban sort of myth at the time but it's true it was real it's real and it's one of the few things in that kind again this is very christmasy it's fun isn't it yeah it's chat i'll do a little warning at the dog plop nibbles dog plop nibbles divine um but oh yeah thanks man that's an amazing present good present brilliant well this is a lousy present for you although it is vaguely it is vaguely connected i mean it's so bad.

Things have been my excuse, right? Hang on, don't make the excuse. Let me open the present, and then I'll tell you whether you need to make the excuse. I do need to make an excuse, but I'm hoping... It's wrapped in lovely foily tin business. Oh, oh yeah. No, that is quite bad. I see what you were saying there.

Okay, no, so keep talking. And as if this makes it any better. It's a... Sorry, listeners. It's a... What's the weight here? It's a 126 gram packet of Revels. And a small plastic thing of polo mints.

Polo holes. Polo holes. I mean, those effort levels are close to zero, aren't they? Aren't they? Yes. I mean, the cost level is close to zero. Listen, can I explain touch I like is that this is the kind of thing my mum and dad would give me for Christmas right and you know you're basically what you're thinking

is this doesn't deserve to be wrapped in a way you know what I mean yeah I mean the polo hold listen things have been things have been unusually uh hectic recently right because yes because of my dad oh yeah passing away and organization for all that so right there's this is part of my excuse no it's not a brilliant excuse to just immediately no but it's sort of too good and it's a brief father isn't it father i'm the brief person um and so i just haven't really i didn't get it together to to to put as much thought as i wanted to right into your gifts and so sell my wife yes who is a saint and has helped me so much this year with all sorts of things and and just kept kept me afloat she said listen let me um help you out and get some i'll get some gifts for Joe. And I was like, no, you can't do that,

because the whole point of the thing is they've got to be personalised. You know, he's probably going to go out and find some kind of obscure art porn film that we used to watch at the Scala, and he's going to find it on Blu-ray, and that's a proper gift. You can't just go out and get stuff. It's got to be things that mean a lot to me and Joe. And she said, well, I'll just do my best. And so she came back and she...

You're making me feel so bad now for laughing at the gift. No, you should laugh. And so she came back. And the reason she got Revels is because she knows that they are my absolute favourite cinema treat. Yeah. And so she was hoping that maybe you might feel the same way because you and I... Well, she was wrong. She was wrong our tastes she was

wrong do you not like revels no i love rebels i'm being silly it's it's very very kind and and the reason i put it and the polo thing right they're not it's not a pack of polos it's a plastic tube of polo holes yeah there was a point in the 90s i think when people started doing crazy post-modern When people started doing crazy postmodern meta things with packaging and sweets and things like that, and some genius had the idea of, all right, what happens to the bits of the mints that are punched out from the middle? That is clever, isn't it? Let's package those and call them polo holes. So it's a limited edition. They don't make them anymore.

Yeah. And they are 20 years old. They don't make them anymore. Yeah. And they are 20 years old. Really? They're 20 years old? You just ate one. Really? Yeah, they are. I wish you'd told me that sooner.

So these are 20 years old? Yes. I mean, you've really bounced back on my mocking laughter in a very complete way. I've insulted your bereaved father. No, I've insulted your late father. I've also insulted your wife. father no i'm your i've insulted your your late father i've also insulted your wife in a way and i've also insulted you uh yeah so in other words it's the perfect christmas gift not really because i mean no that's that's very kind the polo holes you can keep on a shelf and it's just like a little curiosity yeah yeah yeah remember when this was happening and they're really 20 years old yeah yeah they're i don't know if they still got

it you just had one yeah minty licious um that man that's so generous and how naive i was because to the untrained eye it just looks like someone's walked into a garage and bought some sweets that have probably cost two pounds maybe less and then wrapped them yeah but now to the trained eye I realise it's possibly

one of the most touching yeah thoughtful moving and beautiful gifts I've ever received in my life

oh thanks man thank you very much well enjoy them I love them what's your favourite revel? well revels are a bit like a sort of Alfred Hitchcock film, aren't they? So we're not even sponsored by Revels and I'm asking you what your favourite Revel is. You know, I think I like just the chocolate disc.

Do you? Yeah. It's uncomplicated. What is it called? It's just like a chocolate disc. No, but you know what the discs are called. I can't even remember what the chocolate disc... We had a late night last night.

Yeah, no, like minstrels. Minstrels. But it's not a minstrel, because it's not covered in a crisp candy shell. Is it not? No, it's just tough chocolate, I think. Minstrels are different to the discs in Revels. I'm pretty sure.

You're blowing my mind. You're blowing my mind. No, because Revels have a nasty one in them, don't they? Like a weird orangey one. Oh, I love that one. Oh, it's nasty. Well, some people are outraged. It's like a turd in a punch bowl. And I find it suspenseful eating them in the cinemas.

It's a chocolate-covered, orange-flavoured turd in a punch bowl. It's a dog pop in a pop bowl. And you find it nerve-wracking in a cinema because you never know if you're just going to reach an... Well, it adds an extra layer of tension if you're watching an exciting thriller. Yeah. When are you going to eat the horrible orange you want? I think that was the marketing campaign. They probably set that into account. I think they do not have candy

shells on the Revels. No, you're right. No, you're right. It's just a nice, robust... Is it galaxy chocolate even? It's delicious. It's a delicious chocolate. Oh, I Revel in them. Hey. I really do. Brilliant. That's such a nice present. Do you want your next present? Delicious chocolate. Oh, I revel in them. Hey. Mmm. I really do. Brilliant. Mmm.

That's such a nice present. Do you want your next present? Oh, yeah. Well, shall we have a pause and read out some... Yeah. But, man, I'm really sorry about insulting every aspect of your existence. Honestly, not at all. Funny how you flipped it like that.

Yeah, but the thing is that after Thundercrack, which is the most thoughtful and entertaining and brilliant present, and I'm actually looking forward to seeing it all again in its filthy glory. We only watched 20 minutes of it. I mean, we watched up until the woman did the thing with the thing. And then we left. But only because I couldn't deal with it. I still can't deal with it, really. All right. Take a phrase and mash it up.

Now you're in the egg corn club. Egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg,. And an egg corn, by the way, is a phrase that is in common use that people kind of mangle a little bit, but the mangled version of that phrase has its own internal logic. You know what I mean? Mmm. I'm just eating all the

chocolate. They're pretty great. Disky bits. But since we used to talk about them on the radio show A lot of radio shows have talked about them Is that true? Yeah Do you think that's just coincidental? I think it is

Or do you think they're copying us? No, I don't know I always just I think they're copying us I always assume that people aren't copying Because I just think that would be so lame I think some things just bubble up into the public consciousness I don't think so

I think we own the whole idea. Yeah, do you reckon? Copyright it. Anyway, thanks for sending some of your egg corns to us for Christmas. Have you got one there you want to start with, or shall I start with one? Sure, well, you start with one. Esme Stimpson says, here's my five-year-old son Theo's egg corn. Theo believes that whenever you pass wind,

it is common etiquette to say, farting me, instead of pardon me. This can cause much embarrassment, especially when Theo shouts out in public places, such as lifts, Daddy, you haven't said farting me! Wow, that's socially awkward. It is, because you don't want to be called out on the lift fart.

Especially with a fun egg corn. It's true. Listen, I'm sorry I didn't react to that when I was prepping my one. Sorry. I wasn't really listening. Farting me. It's one of the problems that one encounters on a program like this. On a program.

It's not a program. Of course it's a program it's not a program of course it's a program it's not it's there's not there's a thin line between you and me doing this now aged in our 40s and you and me doing this when we were 15 and no one would ever listen to it but i'm not even sure there is a line something miraculously has happened in the intervening 30 years. In between, we were actually paid to do it and we would appear in the paper. Well, no, there's no difference because you're not still really being paid for it, right? I'm not currently being paid, although I hope to be paid in the new year. It's complete stasis.

Yeah. So this is a very good letter from Jonathan Oakes. I don't know whether you saw this. He sent three kisses. I wonder if he calls himself Jokes. He should do. Yeah. What's Jokes say?

Hi, Adam. How lovely to have you and Joe back for Christmas. I've waited so long to share some cracking egg corns hatched by my wife, Hannah. Nice little egg references. You've got to listen to these, man. Don't do what I did. Right. I tend to keep a running log of them, as sometimes it's

difficult to believe they've actually come out of her mouth. They're not so much misheard sayings as completely mangled ones, as he's actually reasonably intelligent. Here we go. Help yourselves. Smooth as a whistle. Wallop. On our sleeping newborn, he's gritting his fists. That's a good one. He's our golden-eyed boy.

A glowing indictment. That's fallen on cold ears. It's like throwing money after old rope. Nice. I'll wait until my other hairdryer kicks the ghost. What is that one? Well, that's kicking the bucket and gives up the ghost. Right.

So she's combining them. It's quite sophisticated what she's doing. It may just be a mental condition rather than a humorous anecdote machine. Oh, look, I've seen I've got the email in front of me now. The who these felt T.H.E.E. The who throws the first stone casts no shadow. It's good. He says not sure Rolf Harris talk is off limits, but she thought his song was called Tiny Kangaroo Downsport.

I think I had the same misconception for a long while. That's almost a mondegreen. What is a mondegreen? I think I'm pronouncing that right. Mondegreen is a misheard lyric. So a classic one would be, excuse me while I kiss this guy, instead of excuse me while I kiss this guy.

OK. But so, Jonathan Oakes, your wife is clearly gifted because that's an incredible body of egg corns and mangled phrases. Yeah, that's good, man. Here's a message from Andy Kostick. And this one is a kind of a cross between a mondegreen and an egg corn. And he says, this is a Christmas one for you. A friend for many years enjoyed playing Band-Aid's classic Do They Know It's Christmas

when December came round. However, every time she sang along to that classic your Geldof work, the words feed the world would instead be replaced by fever woe. Fever woe. That's

not appropriate, is it? Whilst the underlying sentiment of those revised lyrics is not totally unrelated to the plight of poverty and suffering in Africa, it took us many years to pluck up the courage to admit to her that she had been getting it so wrong. Despite that, we still enjoy belting out Fever, whoa every time Band-Aid comes on the radio at Christmas.

Love you, bye! Would there ever be a situation in the world where there would be huge global concerts around the concept of everybody in the world having a fever? Like, say, isn't there a zombie film where the flu virus destroys the zombie virus? No, you're thinking of War of the Worlds. That's right, and that's just rain, isn't it?

I think it's HD Worlds. Maybe a common cold. Common cold, yeah. So there could be a you know, a sort of modern version of Live Aid where all the bands come together and encourage people to contract the flu virus. Right. And it's sponsored

by... And that's the song. Sponsored by Beechams. Right. Maybe. Double strength. No, it wouldn't be sponsored by Beechams. They're anti-colds. Mind you, they just deal with the symptoms. Oh, what, are you thinking of trying to promote colds? Sorry, I'm talking. What the hell are you going on about? Just burbling away, stuffing

revels into your mouth. Sorry, whose podcast is this? Crap, I'm talking. Doing a concert for colds. And then going, oh no. Oh no, it can't be. Oh no, it can't be. It can't be sponsored. for cold and then going, oh no. Oh no, it can't be. It can't be sponsored by

Beecham. Because they're anti-cold. It's a promoting cold. I've put seven revels in at once. It's delicious. A little bit claggy. Alright, here's another monday green. Nirvana. And this is one from ian g and ian g i

have had the same exact thought and i don't think i've ever articulated it before but he says the nirvana song lithium has the line and he says i misheard this, I'm so horny, but that's okay, my willy's good. Well, hang on, because that's what I heard. Oh, did you? No. So what's the original line? I'm so horny, that's okay, my will is good. But that's asking for trouble, isn't it?

I mean, I... It must be deliberate. Do you think it's deliberate? Sure. Right. It's got to be. It's got to be implied. What's the band?

Nirvana. Well, there you go. He had a grip on the idea of double meanings, didn't he word that americans use is it i don't know maybe you're right maybe you're right yeah you could be right i mean i just think that's maybe a pleasing accident but i had the exact same thought e and g that's okay my will is good and i thought that was that would be excellent because he's horny and he's like that's all right because i've got a good willy it's not very christmas soon it's gonna go well hey come on christmas is all about willies i don't know christmas loving christmas country party time christmas party time christmas christmas global warming christmas party time

Christmas, Christmas, global warming Christmas party time Christmas, Christmas, Christmas time Man on the moon, Christmas time Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas Star Wars, The Force Awakens Party, party, Christmas time Christmas country time Christmas, Christmas, Christmas time

Selfie with Santa, Christmas time Can we have more Prezis? Yeah, let's have another Prezi Christmas is all about presents Oh, you're going to give me one's? Yeah, let's have another Prezzy. Christmas is all about presents. Oh, you're going to give me one now? Yeah, it's my turn. Hooray. Prezzy turn.

I'm nervous now. Because things are not going... No, that was... The Thundercrack was the pinnacle. Is that the star one? You go for the star one first. Isn't the wisdom always to keep the best till last? No.

No, I like things to like peter out. Wither and fade all right again the present is wrapped and now this is a squirrel this is a a thin book of some kind perhaps a four you wish it was a book oh it's a mag and it is starlog oh my gosh does starlog even still exist no this is a retro copy of a sci-fi magazine is Starlog. Oh, my gosh. Does Starlog even still exist? No, this is a retro copy of a sci-fi magazine called Starlog. And I've bought it for you because it's got Johnny Spex. It's got LeVar Burton, who plays Geordi LaForge in Star Trek Next Generation. And I happen to know that he's your favourite character.

He's certainly one of them. I just think he's lovely. And I thought Adam's going to love that. And then on the top left, what else has it got? Dean Stockwell from Quantum Leap. It's got Quantum Leap and Star Trek TNG features. January 162. I think that's the issue number.

That was ages ago. What a gift. Starlog magazine. What a gift. The famous American sci-fi magazine with two of Adam's favourite characters on the cover. Do you seriously think that I love... I do seriously love Star Trek Next Generation. Do you seriously think I love Quantum Leap?

You did like Quantum Leap, didn't you? No. Yeah, you did. Come on. You talk about it all the time. It was one of the worst shows on TV. It was one of the absolute worst shows ever. You talk about it all the time, don't you?

I hated it. Did you really? Yeah. It was terrible. Really? Really? Obviously! I'm not insane! No disrespect. I've never really seen it, by the way. But you do like The Next Generation. I'm sure there are people out there listening who genuinely adore and have great affection for Quantum Leap.

That's fine. I'm just being... This is a bit of hyperbole to amuse joe but i didn't enjoy it and i don't like maybe i'm mixing you up with someone else i'm sure you used to talk about quantum leap no we talked about it we did an outro on our on the adam and joe there you go that was a nod to quantum quantum leap um when they they would disappear at the end of one episode have a On the Adam and Joe show. There you go. That was a nod to Quantum Leap. To Quantum Leap. When they would disappear at the end of one episode. Clever present. And they would turn up in the scenario of the next episode. Yes.

And it would be just at a dramatic moment where Kennedy was about to be shot or something and he's standing there on the grassy knoll and he's like, Oh boy! You know a lot about it. Here we go! And so we did that, didn't we? What was our joke? Right to Reply. We appeared on the set of Right to Reply.

We turned up on the set of Right to Reply with Roger... What's the guy's name? He's not Roger Scruton, is he? That's a historian. Oh, hello! Fact-checking Santa here. Roger Scruton is a philosopher,

not a historian. And the presenter of Right to Reply was Roger Bolton, who currently presents feedback on Radio 4. And he actually... He helped us out a couple of times, didn't he? Yeah, he did that show for us. It was great and it was really exciting. But listen, Quantum Leap only occupies, I'd say say a 20th of the cover the main star is uh

geordie laforge lavar burton is in an episode of um community as well why does he wear those uh space specs because he is blind right he was blinded the character yes but um in the future i mean it is a bit weird because probably in the future you won't need to wear a big unwieldy bit of metal on the front of your head. And that's just to let him see, is it? He can see in ways that regular people can't. Right, like high definition. He can see in like 4 or 5K. Really?

Yeah. Wow, he can see every wrinkle on Julianne Moore's nose. High definition. Yeah, it's very... Wow, he can see every wrinkle on Julianne Moore's nose. High definition. But he can also see, like, the heat spectrum. Sure, like Predator. Yeah, and he can see all sorts.

He could probably see emotions. No, he can't. But he can see an awful lot. Did anyone ever rip it off? With his visor. Because if I was in a fight with him, I would go straight for the specs. But then I'd be nervous because I wouldn't know what would come off. You'd think maybe there'd be wires going into his head.

That would be no good. And I'd start ripping his brain out. Well, that happens in Flash Gordon, doesn't it? When they go up to one of the people sat at the... Operating the control desks. And they rip it out and he's got wires coming out of his eyes. Yes. That was very disturbing.

But no, LeVar, but Geordi, I was saying before, like in the future, you won't have to have the unwieldy kit. In one of the Star Trek movies, Geordie LaForge turns up Sans' What?

kit. And he's, because they've just figured out a way, oh, you don't need to wear this stuff anymore. He probably refused. And I just thought, what a,

that's crazy. And he's got eyes, normal eyes. He's got regular, he's got sort of lovely blue eyes. Right. And he's got eyes, normal eyes. He's got regular, he's got sort of lovely blue eyes. Right. And he's just got two little sensors on his temples.

Yes. And they do all the job. Wow. But it's very odd. And it's like, mate, don't do that. That's his whole thing is he wears the groovy headgear. Well, that's a pretty good present, wouldn't you say? That is a pretty great present.

Thanks, man. OK, look. It's not that good. I can't believe what I've done. Have you peeled off? I cannot believe what I've done. I have a natural fiddle instinct to peel all stickers off all plastic containers, right?

If I have a bottle of water, I will peel the label off. And I've just, without thinking about it, done it to the 20-year-old packet of polo holes. The collectible polo holes that were supposed to take the edge off the laziness of the gift of the rebels. This is terrible.

And you've been saving those for 20 years. And he's peeled it off in a way that... That I can't even put it back on. It's not really salvageable. It was just a nervous tick while I was concentrating. 20 years. Every time I've cleared out my stuff, which I do at least once a

year and i throw away lots of crap really and i think now come on why are you reflecting all this no but not those i know they have survived 20 years of purges that's terrible so they could be given to you on a christmasy podcast i'm going to exclude it back on it's reputable and when the museum of london display them them they'll just turn the broken bit to face away oh dear ok let's have this is the bit in Christmas

where one gets a little bit melancholy I tell you what's going to combat that it's the slump the tea time slump when the Queen mentions serious things after you've had your turkey dinner and the family's nodding off in front of the afternoon movie it all gets a bit melancholy little moment of melancholy and you go up to your room to play with your toys and you think yeah

i go up to my room to play with my revels yeah play with your ball balls i think let's have i tell you what's going to pick things up some cracker cracker fun cracker let's pull some crackers and let's read out some fun jokes from the crackers which i've collected here we go let's pull a cracker well done put the hat on you cheated there i'm sure you slipped your thumb and forefinger a little closer that's what my son does toilet roll he does it he's 13 now and he still does it because he can't bear the idea that he's not going to get the gift. Really? Even though it's just another little plastic frame.

What's your favourite gift from a cracker? Oh, I love a nail file. Love a nail file. A nail clipper file. That's the only place you can get them. You can't buy them at shops. So useful. Well, Santa makes them.

He also makes them. He's got the patent. The main thing, of course, though, is the jokes. And this year I have stuffed inside the crackers some jokes in there from the Bad Kids Jokes website. Right. Which I love the Bad Kids Jokes website. And again, this is something that I raided a few years ago. I mean, three or four years ago, maybe, on the radio. and since then, bad kids jokes have been read out on shows like, well, American talk shows like Jimmy Fallon, I want to say, or I'm not sure.

You're thinking of The Late Show with Stephen Colbert. In October 2015, the comedian Sarah Silverman read out some bad kids jokes with Stephen Colbert. I'm like Dr. Hibbert from The Simpsons crossed with Brian Blessed. OK. So egg corns and kids jokes have been stolen. Stolen. Even though they are in no way things that I came up with myself. Let me tell you, though, if you're not familiar with the bad kids jokes website,

the fellow that runs it explains, I moderate jokes on a Kids Jokes website. A lot of joke submissions can't be published because they don't make sense. The child got a genuine joke completely wrong, or they're just a bit too rude for kids. So I publish them here instead. I haven't edited these or made up any of them. So here's a few jokes from the Bad Kids Jokes website. I feel like I have to read them jokes from the Bad Kids Jokes website. I feel like I have to read them out in the

Bad Kids Jokes voice. What has three eyes, six legs and two noses? A cyclops goat with a man wearing an animal suit breeding. What? Exactly. Breeding?

That made sense until halfway through. What do you call... This is all halfway through. What do you call... This is all in caps. What do you call a freak horse? Jessica. That might just be... Maybe he's got a sister called Jessica that he doesn't like. That's a good idea.

She looks like a freaky horse. Who cleans lakes? Who cleans lakes? Who cleans lakes? A poo fish. That's feasible. Yeah they bottom feeders well they eat the water and the bits and then they probably um i mean that's where that's where a lot of pure volvic uh water comes from isn't it you're gonna say something else before i read the last bad kids joke here's uh a regular made-up joke that someone sent in that I liked,

and I didn't check whether it was original. This is from Tom. He says, I know you don't need them, but I always wanted to send you this one for made-up jokes when you were on Six Music. What did the French detective say to the suspects in the bubble bath? Jacuzzi? That's good.

It's good, isn't it? That's good. Nice. So that gets a... What did the French who say? What did the French detective say to the suspects in the bubble bath? All the elements are there. Jacuzzi. That would be better.

Is there a book or something called Jacuzzi or a famous piece of critical writing? No, Jacuzzi, a letter by Emil Zola. There you go. That's what I was trying to reach in my brain. Is it Emil Zola? It just says Zola. Yeah, Zola. All right, there you go.

So that's a good joke, Tom. And here's one. But it would be better if he said Emil Zola was in the bath, right? Are you absolutely sure it's Emil Zola who wrote the Jacuzzi? Isn't that what it said on the internet? It just said Zola. Yeah. Might be Zola Bud.

You're right. So the joke would be better if it be Zola Bud. You're right. So the joke we made if it said Zola Bud was in a bath. Good. I'm glad we dealt with that one. All right. Here's one more bad kids joke

before we exit this segment. Why do we have a head? Because we need to kiss. Oh, isn't that nice? That is good, isn't it? That is nice. And that is the reason we... I mean, that works on a lot of levels.

That is a child just expressing something very profound and beautiful in joke form. Yes. It's possible to kiss with other areas, though. Right? Yes. I know you don't like I'm a Celebrity, but did you see the lady from TOWIE eating the live spider?

I didn't. I read about it. I didn't approve of it. Did you not? Were you one of the people who thought that's not on? I did think that. You're aware that they crush hundreds and thousands of cockroaches, right? Yeah, I generally don't approve of it. You'd remember my song i mentioned this in my song yeah my song had i can't remember how the lyrics went but that i cared more about the insects than the celebrities it was a gross exaggeration but you know i've never liked

that aspect of it i don't think it's right needless killing yeah for entertainment yeah even if it is an insect. Yeah. Well, I know what you mean. I mean, most people who are complaining about it were complaining about the size of the thing, as if there was a cut-off point. Right. Well, that is significant.

I read a thing in the paper saying there are thousands of living creatures on all human faces. They live in their hair follicles and they come out at night. Yeah. Did you read that thing? There were photos of them. They start partying.

Apparently they stay in your face during the day. What? But at night they come out and cruise around your face harvesting your oils and sebum. Has he gone to sleep yet? Yes, he is.

Where are you? I'm just by the left eye. Where are you? I'm on the chin. I mean, you're at the nose. I've discovered a giant deposit of oily sebum that has not been dispersed by face wash. It's Christmas.

On Christmas night, they come out and give presents to each other. Well, on Christmas Eve, the tradition is... I like you just ignored what I said and then came in. No. Authoritatively. No, but keep talking because I know you know about this shit.

On Christmas Eve, the tradition is you don't wash your face so thoroughly as you normally would. As a gift to the mites. As the gift to the mites. Christmas mites. Well, that's a wonderful thing to think about isn't it but would i be angry if for instance on i'm a celebrity they ate some invisible face

mites right exactly what's your big spoon full of i think there's three things that freak people out quantity mass like any creature in a massive swarm a bunch of them it freaks you out even if it's humans yeah do you know what i mean that's freaky fragility i think is really unsettling a really fragile small creature that moves quickly and you think you might be gonna gonna crush it and smash it and size so if something's really small you think oh it's brain's really small, you think, oh, its brain's really small, it can't possibly process. Right? Yes. I mean, with good reason. Yeah, I'm not saying these are bad things, but I sort of, I might... Very few people have a compunction about killing flies, for example, right?

No, I don't have a compunction about killing flies. You're happy just to massacre them? Pretty much. And mosquitoes. But I don't suppose... I wouldn't say I'm massacred. One time, a rat died beneath my kitchen floor when we first moved into our house. And we couldn't access it. So we just, without taking the whole floor up...

And we didn't realise what it was until this fly problem became persistent. And then really, really you know scary and bad lots and lots of flies we didn't man it's like the amateur horror yeah and we realized this is what was happening this quite big rat was decomposing under the floor but there were fly after fly after fly and we would come in them down in the morning and there'd be sort of 300 flies on the ceiling of the kitchen it would be really grim that is scary so eventually i went full ghostbusters got the hoover strapped it to my back hoovering flies you done this yes boy and i just hoovered them up and then they start whenever

when i turned the hoover off and the sun and they would fly out again oh so i had to sort of tie the bag up it got super complicated and then the next morning there would be even more flies and we realized we just had to ride this thing until the whole ecological process was um the decompositional process was done yeah and the flies no longer but at one stage i had like a whole hoover bag bruv stuffed full of flies oh it was very unpleasant yes it happens in late september when but i did feel bad i felt like i felt this is really odd i'm just i am mass because when you said you would massacre flies my instinct was no i don't want to associate my myself with massacring anything but i did yeah i'm massive i got a hoover and i just massacring anything. I'm not a massacrist. But I did. Yeah. I massacred, I got a hoover and I just massacred those things.

Yeah, I know, it's no good, is it? But sometimes, excuse me, like individual flies buzzing around the house. It can be very charming. An individual fly

can be absolutely charming. You know, of course, and they, and they lead very interesting lives, they've met a lot of people, they've been to a lot of different places. There's quite a lot of fly comedy out there, isn't there? And we've met a lot of people. They've been to a lot of different places.

There's quite a lot of fly comedy out there, isn't there? And we can learn a lot from them. Well, I'm thinking like Modern Toss and... Oh, I thought you were thinking of like... I thought you were going to start changing the names of comedians to give them fly associations. Nothing that clever. Like Michael McIntyre-y legs.

What? That's good! That's good! That's good. I'm not saying anything. There's a certain kind of... Sometimes you get an individual fly that gets into your room and it can buzz around and drive you absolutely crazy trying to get rid of it or execute it. In fact, there's a whole episode of Breaking Bad

that is based on that exact. I might refer you to my hilarious fly at the IMAX. Fill us in. Do a quick version of it. I went to see the walk at the IMAX. Fill us in, do a quick version of it. I went to see the walk at the IMAX and a fly got in the way of the projector and when Joseph Gordon-Levitt was walking across the high wire between the Twin Towers, there was the massive shadow of a fly on the screen at the Empire

and it basically walked around the frame of the movie for 25 minutes. It appeared to know where the tightrope was. Wow. And everyone in the cinema was just watching the fly. And laughing. Yeah. Did you get your money back? Nope.

Oh, mate. What kind of operation are they running there? But yes, when you get a gang, though, of flies, and sometimes it seems like they're a different type of fly. They get quite dopey and they don't seem to have the same reactions as your individual um commando fly yes and it is possible just to do them with the hoover and suck them all up yeah and there's something a little bit satisfying about it yes but if it's a bittersweet satisfaction you want to go down that i don I don't know, man.

I think Lord of the Flies did it for me. I've seen enough fly imagery as a kid to make me associate them with Satan. Oh, yeah. And, you know, let's not forget Jeff Goldblum. Do they do anything useful, flies? I'm typing in. What is the point of flies? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. To access

Willy. To access Willy, did you say? Mm-hmm. That's what I said. What's that? Just a play on the word flies. Yeah. Merry Christmas.

Without flies, this is from Matan Shalomi, who is an entomologist. Without flies, we would be knee-deep in rotting fruits and faeces and corpses. I love it. Many flies... That's no way to start an article. This is Christmassy. Come on. Many flies are scavengers whose maggots eat away at the dead and the decaying. Without flies and other scavengers, our ecosystems would collapse.

That is from Matan Shalomi. Yeah, but can't we just have the other scavengers and keep the other scavengers and get rid of the flies? Can't we pass it on to the council? Good idea. And then we don't have to deal with the flies. Why do we pay council tax? Exactly.

But I tell you, the other thing, though, that people were saying before we wrap up this particular fruitful avenue of chat is that, you know, they focused on how grotesque and cruel it was for the lady from towie to eat this wriggly spider but they didn't say anything about the witchety grub that she had just shoved in her gob right which is way bigger and way more like a sort of person almost in my mind way more like a kind of roald dahl character. If you think about the creatures that inhabited the... James and the Giant Peach, yes.

The witchety grub would be probably one of the nicer members of that little unit. Not that the spider lady, she was French and had a beret, I think. She was a very lovely person in that. So, yeah, on that level... Mixed messages. Mixed messages. Very difficult to chart a course through that one. I mean, on the one hand, French and wearing a beret and a really nice person.

On the other hand, she's eating and shitting out dead things. That's the way a lot of people are. But the thing, just, yeah, just be nice to everybody. That's the rule. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no oh mate what we looking at this is this feels like a book it's got weight hasn't it's got authority wait my presents do not have any form of weight. But anyway, what are we getting here? Oh, psycho games. Personality tests, games and questionnaires.

Who are you? I found in a bookshop. It looks quite fun. I didn't really have a look at it, but I thought we could do some of them. Let's do it. Do you play a lot of games at Christmas? We do not actually, no. I bought out... What did I bring out? I bought out the Jenga the other day.

Uh-huh. And someone at the dinner party, a girl at the dinner party, just suddenly looked incredibly depressed. Does that ever happen to you? And her boyfriend turned to me and just said, she doesn't really like games. Oh, dear. And then I went games oh dear and then and then i

went oh okay and started to put the jenga away did you at which point she obviously said no no no no don't worry i don't mind i'll play and that then you just have to play yeah in the knowledge that she doesn't she doesn't really dig it like it's weird that jenga's a fun game too no it was actually a fun game it's really not like you have to because of what was an argument about whether you were allowed Can you steady the tower with some of your fingers while you pull it out with the other thing? Oh, I would say yes Right with one hand as long as it's all one hand. I would say no Oh, I would say I'd say you have to you have to pinch the brick and pull it out You can't like steady the whole thing then push it back up, right?

Well, no, because it's still a feat of dexterity to be able to steady the tower with the same hand that you're removing the brick. Maybe I'm just playing on a different level. Maybe you are. Let's play a psychological game! OK, this one. I'm going to flick through some of the faff on the top. This is called the Chair Friendship Test. Can I say thanks, by the way?

This is a great present. Pleasure, man. Well, I don't know. I haven't actually looked at it. It might be useless. We'll find out. The Chair Friendship Test. What kind of a friend are you?

Select the chair that most appeals to you. On the reverse, read what this reveals of your qualities as a friend. Oh, OK okay this has eight pictures of chairs and i'm going to show adam these chairs he's going to pick the one that he relates the most to that appeals to him yeah and it's going to tell us something about him as a friend describe this chair that is appears to be a metal chair, almost made out of just sections of aluminium or something. This is a sort of comfy leather thing. It looks rather austere, like an antique leather cushions.

This is a wooden stool, very utilitarian. So far, that's my favourite. That is a beaten-up, comfy old leather armchair. That is a fancy chair that you might... Sort of floral covering on that one. That's like a kind of King Charles fancy antique chair. That is a tatty old nice sofa with a flower pattern... Quite pretty.

...on it. That's a sort of Eames chair, very designer-y. Yes, look at that. And that... It's like a chaise longue. What the hell is that? It's like a chaise long hell is that it's like a chaise long it's like is it that's a drawing rather than the real thing yeah that's like a i'll say it a third time it's a chaise long it's not a shape but it's got arms like a it's a sort of extended um armchair it's an armchair so which one are you going to go for i'm going to go for the beaten up wooden stool the beaten up wooden stool. The beaten up wooden stool.

Okay, we shall read the back now. You are a fantastic friend. People love you because you're transparently honest about your affections, which are tempered by a good sense and fine feeling. You listen well and your friends find you a great confidant because you seem to validate their own strengths and are tolerant of their weaknesses. I'd imagine you're loving this. I'm really loving this really and you're thinking in your head this is right this game works although you tend not to be critical you are seen to be honest you have good feelings about humanity in general your friends in particular and yet you lack, a high regard for yourself. Yeah.

You've been... I don't know why I find that funny. You've been places and done things, but at the moment, maybe you lack a strong sense of direction. This is like reading the Daily Mail horoscopes. This is like reading my life story. You have feet and arms. Sometimes you feel a little too hot. Though I know I was making that up.

OK, I'll continue to read from the back of the card. Life has been good to you and should get better, but there's an element of disappointment in your present condition. You would not mean less to your friends if you communicated something of these inner doubts. If I was less desperate to please? No, no, no. It said you would not mean less to inner doubts. If I was less desperate to please? No, no, no. It said you would not mean less to your friends. If I was less desperate to please?

No, you just mustn't be frightened of communicating your truthful emotions. I won't think less of you as a friend if you admit your weaknesses. Someone on the podcast accused me of being desperate to please, which is why I'm... Who isn't desperate to please? It's nice to be desperate to please. That's what I said! You would not mean less to your friends if you communicated something of these inner doubts and involved them in a reappraisal of your situation.

Uh-huh. They would love to help you make changes because they love you. Oh, mate. That's good. I wonder if they're all so positive. Like, so, for example, if I picked... I was going to look at the chair that I liked least,

which is the sort of fancy King Charles type thing. You're a bit of a rarity. You can be exotic and your responses to things are unpredictable, often unusual. This makes you attractive and sort of your company. They're all really positive. They're all positive. Look, I've chosen this one. It says you are attractive, sometimes provocatively so.

Sometimes you're secretive about yourself and your thoughts and feelings. You have a combination of firmness and clarity. They're all positive. They're positive, but in slightly different ways. There might be a bad one. You never know. You are an idiot, Hulk. Everything you do is misconceived and stupid.

Your friends are pretending to like you. Behind your back, people are calling you a waste of space. Your life is a failure. Your ambitions will never come to fruition. Your family are disappointed in you. You smell. Your life is a failure. Your ambitions will never come to fruition. Your family are disappointed in you. You smell. Your taste is bad. You have no sense of style.

You shop at the worst shops. Your job is a dead end. You're very ill and you don't know it. That's not really a criticism of someone, is it? No, I made all that up. It came out of my brain particularly disturbingly smoothly. What do you think of that present there? I love it. disturbingly smoothly what do you um think of that present i love it i mean that's only the tip of the psychology book of the psych there's a house

personality test but it's presumably all going to be the same there's a garden relationship test yeah you just pick your favorite garden but until you know it's all you bullies you can entrance somebody because there's nothing like the power of thinking you might get an insight into your own psychology is there oh i love it love it what a gift what a gift oh what have i done with my keys i had them literally one minute ago i put them down to take a call I thought I left them in the hall oh what have I done with my keys I've checked all my pockets they're not there are you sure you didn't move my keys somewhere there's a spongebob on the ring And a memory stick thing I can't believe I haven't got a spare I've got one more gift for you.

Oh, OK. This is, I think, might be a Top Trumps game. Whatever it is, it hangs from a stick on one of those carousels in the shop. It does. But you can get some pretty amazing things hanging from carousels.

Hanging from carousels, it's true. Oh, look at this. It's a piece of electronics. It's called an iHear3 Bluetooth 4.0 key finder. Key finder. So if I lose my keys... Or anything. Or anything.

Doesn't have to be keys. That's very good. I can find it. You can attach it to your wink wonk if you like. My mind. Your mind. It very good. I can find it. You can attach it to your wink wonk if you like. My mind. Your mind. It's good. Your values.

Yes. Long lost. It's big. So even without its electronic properties, it'll help me keep track of my keys. Because it's sort of like tying a plate, like a kitchen plate to them. But it's like a two part thing. You download an app. No.

Oh, mate. Well, if it's got an two-part thing you download an app no oh mate well if it's got an app then i'm in you know i love it i love apps who doesn't do you ever lose your keys no i have a place for everything like my wallet goes in a certain spot when i come through the door my keys go in a certain same those basic essentials and if they're not there i freak out i feel like with the phone especially these days you know people are umbilically attached to their phones in all sorts of ways. I think you've got to keep it on you the whole time. It's got to be in the pocket or in a, you know, somehow.

It's just the easiest thing is just keep it on you. And so when my wife is running around saying, have you seen my phone? I'm like, what was wrong with the keep it on you advice? You've got jeans, right? Pop it in the pocket there. You're not going to break it. My wife. My wife?

When my wife loses her phone, I say. And also when my wife loses her keys, I have no sympathy. Because I think, well, you should be like me. You should use the hook. Always use the hook. I must discuss this with my wife. I will. I will.

I will discuss with my wife. I will discuss with my wife. Are you my wife? Are you my wife? Who is my wife? I, he, he was an robot. What does that mean? Like this robot comes up to you and says, he was an robot. Sounds like a bad kid's joke.

He was an robot. Are you my wife? He was an robot. You was a robot. You should use the hook for the key. That's why you lost your key. Where is my wife? Where is my wife? Are you my wife? You should use the hook for the key. That's why you lost your key. Where is my wife?

Where is my wife? Are you my wife? He was a robot. Is this still Christmassy? I don't know. Hey, but it's been such a pleasure to be on the Adam Buxton podcast. Oh, mate, thanks so much for coming. Do you know what? Should we have a little honest section?

Should we have to? No. All right, no, go on, say something honest. I'll just look at these revels all right i was gonna say something on hide behind the pop shield for uh i got an orange one a period of time after we stopped doing the six music show i felt like i didn't want to have you on as a guest because it would be too much like too good saying well in a way it would be too much like saying to people yeah we might carry on doing the adam and joe thing and but i don't know and i just wanted to have a clear cut off you know and just say no that we're not doing that anymore but then i just got to a point where

i thought that's so silly and pointless and it would be it's really fun i miss doing the the show with you and it's always fun to see you and any opportunity is uh great as far as i'm concerned so i do hope you'll come back i'll think about it i'll consult my if i'm available oh if i'm available talk to my um people don't do me a favor you can come back how's this in 10 years um no that's all understandable and it's been so Christmassy and your wife's been very generous with the presents

and you know Merry Christmas Merry Christmas to all you listeners thank you so much for listening to the podcast thanks as well to all the Black Squadron ears out there and everyone who sent in messages onto the blog.

I'm very sorry if your message wasn't read out and maybe we'll do something with some of the other ones that we haven't used today in future. But we read all of them and they were funny, they made us laugh and it was really nice to be back in touch with you all. Anyone you want to thank specifically, Jay Korn? I'd like to thank you and I'd like to thank Nigel Buxton.

Absolutely, yeah. thanks specifically jay corn i'd like to thank you and i'd like to thank nigel buxton absolutely yeah we've been thinking a lot about him the last few days and uh yeah yeah for his fantastic contribution to everything we ever did yes love you dad oh dear i've made myself weepy ah yes i Yes, I'm going to get it back together. How fast can you get it back together if you start getting weepy? Well, I don't know what it's like to be weeping about what you're weeping about. Well, it's like anything. Yeah, I don't know. You don't need to. Okay.

How are we going to finish then? I don't know. Well, you finish. It's your podcast. I think we just finished we just say happy christmas and uh i hope you're okay out there and happy and and you know if things are difficult for you i hope they improve and all the best for 2016 and uh see you soon have a good one bye bye i love you bye yay Bye-bye. I love you. Bye! Yay.

This is an advert for Squarespace. Every time I visit your website, I see success. Yes, success. The way that you look at the world makes the world want to say yes. It looks very professional. I love browsing your videos and pics and I don't want to stop. And I'd like to access your members area and spend in your shop. These are the kinds of comments people will say about your website if you build it with Squarespace. Just visit squarespace.com slash Buxton for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, because you will want to launch,

And when you're ready to launch, because you will want to launch, use the offer code BUXTON to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. So put the smile of success on your face with Squarespace. Yes. Well, there we go. That's it for the Adam Buxton podcast in 2015. Thank you very much indeed for listening. I really hope you've enjoyed some, if not all. And I hope you'll stick around for more in 2016.

Not sure exactly when I'll start podcasting again. Probably take a few months off to record some more and get the rest of my bits and pieces together and my head and all that kind of stuff. And then come back with a Crash Bang Wallop and a producer and a wider variety of guests and some hard-hitting political pundits and a singing competition. Now, I'm not absolutely sure about all of those elements.

Anyway, thanks. I'm going to leave you today with a slightly recycled nugget. I'm a big believer in recycling, especially when it comes to material. And I did a show last year for Sky Atlantic called Adam Buxton's Shed of Christmas. Some of you may have seen it. You may recognize the theme.

I actually did the podcast theme before I did the Shed of Christmas theme. It's the same backing track, same tune. Anyway, this is a boring story. But at the end of the Shed of Christmas show that I did, which was, well, it was me in my shed talking about Christmas. Brilliant title, yes? I was very lucky to have Gaz Coombs come along. He came all the way to Norfolk. He's only about the second or third person that's actually come to me to do some recording. And he did a great cover of a Greg Lake song. And we recorded it.

It was genuinely recorded in my shed. Everything you hear was recorded in the shed. I was playing the little keyboard there. And it was really fun. I think you can see it on YouTube. But I'm going to finish by including that together with the spoken intro bit. A bit like Bing Crosby and David Bowie. That was the model in my mind.

And I hope you like it. I thought it was a really great performance from Gaz, who was just about to release his album Matador, which went on to be one of the big albums of 2015. And if you haven't got it yet, I really would recommend it. It's a peach. But until we are next together in Podland, take care. And i hope you're okay

and uh yeah keep it together all right bye hey hello it's gaz coombs from the supergrass the hot rats and the gaz coombs can i come in of course it's really freezing. Oh, man. I'm actually glad that you weren't Taylor Swift. Well, that would have been strange. A little bit creepy, maybe, in this environment. Instead, we're just two hairy 90s guys in a Christmassy shed.

What could be less creepy than that? It looks great in here, man. I mean, do you need any kind of Christmas music? That, to go with this... Would be ideal. I mean, it's weird any kind of Christmas music? That would be ideal. I mean, it's weird that you were just walking by, but if you're cool with just playing something, I would love it. How's life anyway, man? What are you up to?

Yeah, it's good. I've just finished a new album. It's called Matador. Good. It's out in the new year, January. Not really a promotional type of a show it's just a christmas show that's fine we don't have to talk about that stuff all right good it's okay cool well i mean no i mean it's out in january is it yeah i just put my heart and soul into it did you and uh very pleased yeah embarrassing but listen how do you feel about maybe playing

like someone else's song well i did Well, I did wonder, you know. I kind of... It's so beautiful in here. I thought you could do with some Christmas music. That's what I was thinking. How do you feel about Chris Rea? Mainly sad. A bit confused.

Some Greg Lake. Now you're talking my prog language. Yeah. See a bit of Lake. I believe in Father Christmas. It can only be. You know? That would be ideal.

With that nice little Prokofiev riff there in the middle. Can you do that for me? I can play that on my pocket keyboard. How's that? Yeah, that's exciting. Let's do it. All right. Thank you.

And, hey, Merry Christmas. Hey, same to you. Thanks. Oh yeah. Christmas it up, Jesus of Gazareth. Christmas it up, Jesus of Gazareth. They said there'll be snow at Christmas They said there'll be snow at Christmas They said there'll be peace on earth But instead it just kept on raining

A veil of tears for the virgin birth I remember one Christmas morning A winter's light and a distant choir And the peal of a bell and the Christmas tree smell And their eyes full of tinsel and fire They sold me a dream of Christmas They sold me a silent night

And they told me a fairy story. Till I believed in the Israelites. I believed in Father Christmas. And I looked at the sky with excited eyes. Till I woke with a yawn in the first light of dawn. And I saw him in through his disguise. Here we go. I wish you a hopeful Christmas I wish you a brave new year

All anguish and pain and sadness Leave your heart and let your road be clear They said there'll be snow at Christmas They said there'll be peace on earth Hallelujah, Noel Be it heaven or hell

The Christmas we get we deserve Take it away, Adam. One more time. Oh, that was great, man. Thank you. Oh, thank you. Thanks for having me. Not at all. Merry Christmas.