THE ADAM BUXTON PODCAST - EP.120 - TASH DEMETRIOU

Episode Date: April 26, 2020

Adam talks with English-Cypriot actor and comedian Natasia Demetriou about lockdown life, celebrity sing-alongs, fascinating animal sex facts, how to say something extraordinary at a Q&A and much more non essential stuff.Thanks to Séamus Murphy-Mitchell for production support and to Matt Lamont for additional editing.RELATED LINKSERATO - CALL YOUR GIRLFRIEND (2011)EMMA STONE & MAYA RUDOLPH - CALL YOUR GIRLFRIEND (MAYA AND MARTY, 2016) (TWITTER)A COMPREHENSIVE HISTORY OF THE CUPS PHENOMENON (VULTURE, 2013)TASH DEMETRIOU AT WHAT WE DO IN THE SHADOWS Q&A, SXSW (2019)TASH DEMETRIOU - LOVE ISLAND AUDITION TAPE (2017)REVIVED (ELLIE & NATASIA) (2017)MUMS THE WORD (ELLIE & NATASIA) (2019)INTERNET NAILS (ELLIE & NATASIA) (2019)ASK RONNA PODCASTADAM BUXTON PODCAST EP.62 (ADAM & JOE WITH SILLY SAUSAGE) (2017) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I added one more podcast to the giant podcast bin. Now you have plucked that podcast out and started listening. I took my microphone and found some human folk. Then I recorded all the noises while we spoke. My name is Adam Buxton, I'm a man. I want you to enjoy this, that's the plan. Hey, how you doing, podcats? Adam Buxton here, reporting to you from...

Guess where? Yes, a farm track. Sure, but whereabouts? OK, the east of England, but narrow it down. Yes, that's right, we are just outside the fair city of Norwich. All right, if you're so clever. What's the name of my best dog friend who was out on my lockdown exercise walk with me? No, Schnorbitz was the name of Bernie Winter's best dog friend.

Mine is called Rosie. Some loud birds out here today. You keep it down. Trying to do a podcast. Oh. Told me to stick it up my bum. That's a bit cheeky. So how's it going, listeners?

I'm all right. Can't complain. Up and down. I think I feel a bit bereft. But my time is being well spent. Last night, me and my sons learned how to use plastic cups as an enjoyable percussive instrument. This will be familiar to a lot of you, but it was entirely new to me until I stumbled across a clip, first of all, of Emma Stone and Maya Rudolph on some American talk show singing a cover of Call Your Girlfriend by Robin. Call your girlfriend, it's your girlfriend.

That's how it goes. And they're harmonising beautifully and playing what seems like quite intricate and clever percussion using an empty butter tub, turning it over and tapping it, etc., while they sing. And they do it brilliantly. But upon further investigation, I found out that they were actually doing an homage to another cover of Call Your Girlfriend by this Swedish close harmony trio called Erato. I put links in the description to these clips. Anyway I'd never seen this clip of Erato from 2011 and it was a huge viral smash but Buckles didn't get the memo so I saw it for the first time yesterday and it was just magnificent and I showed it to

team Buckles after supper they thought it was brilliant too so then we went and searched for a tutorial not to sing close harmony but to just play the cups and then we spent two hours learning to do the cups it's pretty easy it seems complicated for five minutes or so but then you get into it and then it is hugely satisfying to do it with a bunch of people, especially if they're your grumpy teenage sons. We put some music on and played along with it. Hardest Button to Button by White Stripes and Robots by Kraftwerk. They were pretty good to just play along with. Anyway, that's what we did last night. Unusually productive for us, I should point out.

Right, now I'm going to do something I haven't done before in my intro. I'm going to call this week's guest. Watch out. I haven't warned her I'm going to do this. Hello? Hey, Tash, it's Adam Buxton here. Hello, darling, how are you?

I'm fine, thank you. How are you? I'm good, I'm good. Are you in the middle of stuff? No, I was just fanning around on my laptop. Oh, I love to fanning around on laptops. Hey, look, Tash, I'm recording this call. Oh, great, OK. Because I thought that I would fact-check my introduction, my podcast introduction with you.

Yes, please do. All right, here's what I've got. Let me tell you about my guest for podcast number 120. It is the return of another friend of the podcast english cypriot actor and comedian natasha dimitriou correct david all right tash facts natasha's older brother is jamie dimitriou the creator and star of the excellent Channel 4 sitcom Stath Let's Flats, in which Tash plays Stath's sister, Sophie. Yes, that is it.

There's an underlying thing that he's never spoken of, but I picked up on, is that that character is also an alien. An alien? Yeah, but that's something that, you know, we've never said it out loud, but I can tell i can tell something big is happening gonna come okay tash fact number two tash can also be seen in the tv spin-off of jermaine clement and taika waititi's vampire mockumentary what we do in the shadows

alongside k van novak and matt berry to just two, as ancient vampires sharing a house in modern-day New York. All true. Tash is also known for her work with her comedy partner, the equally brilliant and funny Ellie White. Their sketch show, Ellie and Natasha, made its debut last year, 2019, on BBC Three. And, as you will hear in our conversation another series is in the pipeline though with things being as they are i've written here it's hard to say when that will hit your screens that is all true can you add in best friend soulmate and the sexiest woman i've ever met ellie white all right

that is in there now we spoke last week didn't we oh god did we yes we did yes we did the days are just rolling into each other aren't they adam i know coronavirus time is very different to normal time in all sorts of ways there There was a lot of bad language. Oh, really? Well, I felt so anxious after we did. I hadn't had a conversation, like a proper long conversation with anyone apart from you, sort of Ellie and my brother, who I can and, you know, some close friends I can be quite candid with. But, yeah, that long conversation, I was like riddled with anxiety all night being like how many times did i like say part how many times did i talk about my vagina well it was a very enjoyable

conversation and i don't think i don't think you need to be stressed about it we're comedians we're not news readers are we i don't think so wait i am oh are you I believe my work and my voice to be the news. Right. Okay. In that case, there might be a problem. Yeah. Well, thank you very much indeed, once again, Tash, for doing it. I really appreciate it.

That's my pleasure. I loved it. I'm so pleased it's good enough to actually be broadcast. Well, I don't know if I'd go that far, but desperate times. True, true. I'm joking, of course. of course yeah all right look after yourself bye darling take care bye see you bye uh i'll be back at the end of my conversation with tash for more ludicrous waffling but right now here we go Ramble Chat I hope it's working.

That is working very well. Really? Yep. We're in business. We are in motherfucking business. We're in the business of fucking mothers. Here we go, baby. I'm sorry about that thing I just said about fucking mothers.

Are you kidding? I live for it. All I talk about is the damage my dad did to me. Why does it look like I'm trapped? The sun is just too bright up here in North London. It looks very dreamlike. Well, you could give your webcam a wipe. I don't know, I could.

Have you been putting Vaseline on there to make yourself look sexy? I mean, I've not seen my computer in the sunlight because I work in a bin under my bed. This is just filthy. No wonder I've got so many fungus infections. No wonder that's the cleanest it's ever been. How are you doing, Tash? I'm doing good. Have you heard, though, there's this little flu going around? I don't know if you've... I heard it. I literally just heard it like 10 minutes ago.

It sounds awful, but I'm fine. I'm great. I mean, to be serious, though, how are you feeling about it? How's it all been? I speak to you now in the fourth week of lockdown. And how have you been? It's weird, isn't it? Like, I think probably like most people, I go from like absolute elation and like,

this is a gift from heaven and I think I probably brought this on because the amount of times I said I just want to stay at home for one week and not move from my bed and just press my television on and then it just shows me everything I want to watch so yeah there are moments where I actually I'm like this is what like heaven feels like when it's just so quiet. But then, yeah, so it's that and then extreme anxiety and facing the decisions you've made. And you've got like hours and hours of time to just like stare at your past and your future and be like, what have I done? And are you watching the news and things like that you reading the papers i live with my very very good friend and he is the news calms him down like getting angry at the news

calms him down like it's giving me clogged arteries like i think i'll have a stroke because it's on the whole time he wakes up in the morning and i've tried to do this like thing where i try and do yoga in the morning which is the smuggest thing i've ever done in my life but it makes you feel so proud of yourself and smug and uh my morning routine is like i go downstairs i put on the yoga thing on youtube i'm like breathing and then he comes in with his phone out and it's playing the news and then he makes a coffee and vapes and then i can't see the screen because the toffee vape is in my eyes. And that's how we start our day.

And it's on the whole time. He's like a sponge and he consumes so much. He can have one eye on it and he's like taking in a whole thing. But it's so stressful. It's weird because it is like, obviously, we're in very... I don't know if anyone's described this period of time as this, but quite strange and unprecedented times. Whoa. I've heard weird times.

I've never heard, what were the words you used? Strange and unprecedented. Fucking hell. TM. I'm copywriting that. You've redefined 2020. And what about, are you sort of keeping an eye on the actual logistics of the lockdown, how long it's going to last, what the projections are for reopening the country and how that will work? It's worrying how much I could talk about it. And I have absolutely no idea. And I'm pretty

sure no one else actually does. But I could talk and hypothesise about it for literally hours. And I'm really, I actually want to genuinely ask you, what have you heard? What are they saying to you? Well, it changes all the time. I mean, the main thing that I am getting from my news sources is the idea that it's now going to be quite a long period, like a year at least, of locking down and then opening up gradually and then locking down again when the virus begins to spread again and the health service gets overwhelmed. And so it'll carry on like that

until there is a vaccine that they know definitely works. But the thing is that it takes usually not less than four years to develop an effective vaccine. I don't know a lot of a lot of very nice men have been vaccinated against me. How long did that take? They're updating it every year because they're getting stronger and stronger and more repelled by it. And that's an effective vaccine that's been tested on humans in difficult conditions. No, but that's the thing I heard. You know, like at first they were saying, okay, we're looking at 18 months for a vaccine.

And now they're saying, no, it doesn't take 18 months. It takes four years. So that's the thing I'm not sure about. Some people are saying, oh no, it's fine. They're testing one right now on humans and it might be in circulation in six months or something. The thing that seems to be realistic is that even if they open everything up and everyone's going about their business and

shops start opening and people go back to work, it still won't be normal for at least a year. People will still be encouraged to wear face masks. People will still have to practice social distancing. You're still going to have to queue at the supermarket and do all those things. And, you know, restaurants won't be able to open to capacity, people will still be sat far apart. And then people who are living with other people that are vulnerable, for whatever reason, really, they shouldn't be going out because they're going to be putting those other people at risk if they do, if they bring back the virus. Yeah. And then the other thing that I was hearing, which I hadn't really thought about before, was there's then going to be kind of two classes.

There's going to be the immune and the yet to be infected class. Oh, wow. I mean, it just writes itself, doesn't it? Oh, wow. I mean, it just writes itself, doesn't it? So the immune people are going to be going out skipping and jumping and fuck it, they can do whatever they want. They can travel. And you know, there'll be an app on their phone that they can scan a little code. And it'll say, I am immune. I've had it. I'm fine now. And so then they'll be able to go to all the parties. They'll go and they'll snaffle all the best jobs. They'll be able to do what they want. Clearly, I'm massively trivializing this, obviously. But basically, that's the situation.

And then you've got the people who haven't yet. The non-immune. The non-immune. My party. Right. And those are the people who are dangerous because if they start going out and mixing, maybe they're going to be the ones that get it and maybe that'll be a danger not only to them because you never know this is the whole thing with this virus is you never know how it's going to affect you and of course they will then be

putting other people at risk and spreading the whole thing and they'll be the absolute fuckers that everybody hates they're yet to be infected oh my life that is a lot more depressing than what i've the conversations i've been well july probably july um i was just operating on the old 12 weeks i was like just listening to my my leader boris and um looking at 12 weeks and being like well july because i the disgusting thing is that i am obviously, you know, incredibly famous and people know that I'm obviously part of the key workers because I am an actor slash comedy writer. Yeah, your frontline morale services.

Yeah, I am the key worker. I get to go to Sainsbury's very early in the morning and they just let me in. They clap me actually as I walk in. Yeah, they're laughing and clapping. She's here! Oh, hooray! This is what has really upset me, though,

that we haven't been described as key workers. The entertainment industry. The entertainment industry. We are the culture makers. We are, no, I mean, Jesus Christ. But yeah, so because of the jobs that I do or the jobs that I have, obviously everyone's thinking

that that's the big thing in my life. Ain't got no kids. Ain't got no baby daddy. So all I'm thinking is my job. Yeah, when am I going to get back to pretending to be a vampire or a Russian lady? Yeah, but I'm like the thought, because obviously film sets and TV stuff, everyone is mingling with everyone. It's so, you know, like the thought of a sound person coming up to me and trying to mic me up

and me being okay with them coming that close to my face. Usually I love it and I make hilarious jokes that they all, they love me. They love me on set because I'm always like, ooh, first time someone's

touched me like that in ages. They love it. They absolutely love it. The thought of that, I'm like, they, he or she will not want to come close to me. I don't want to come close. Like just the mingling that takes place in film sets and like how exhausted everyone gets because you do like very long days and then everyone's just low

on immune and just sweaty and eating too many biscuits so the people i've been talking to like i guess other people in the industry the only industry show business because they're everyone is so entitled in in that industry just like well no because I would it's television so they we must do it so everyone's like well no we have to go again in June we have to start things in July and I'm like I don't think you understand that no one cares yeah but who knows so to sort of counteract your absolute predictions of misery tv's gonna start getting made in june july guys skeleton cruise well it's all going to be dramas about people trapped at home and there's going to be a lot of those that literally so like i would say two weeks

before this got really real and everyone was just like you saw the odd mask it was a bit like oh corona whatever like you know the first time you heard the phrase self-isolation already some producer friends of mine were getting scripts on their desks and they were all called like pandemic isolated all alone and like they were telling me this just before i was about to say to them, I've had a really good idea for a film. It's kind of a horror about a woman trapped on her own, but monsters get in her house, but she can't leave because the police are on the street stopping her, pushing her back into the house with monsters.

There you go, you can have it. That's the thing. Someone will make that film. I mean, probably about 50 people will make that film and only one of them will be good if any but it is a good it is a good premise my premise was person trapped in house and they find a portal to another dimension behind the boiler wow so you've got a much bigger imagination than me. Not really. I mean, portals always... Boxes and portals are the key to compelling television or film.

My portal's the key to a lot of compelling stuff. There we go. In fact, I want to play you the sound of my boiler. This is what I've been doing today. Keep going, keep going, I'm close. I am. Keep going. I'm getting close. This is what I went. I went to go and look at the boiler and turn the heat up. And it's. Oh, wow. I'm really I'm nearly there. It started making this noise. wow i've come i've come that is that is a noise well that's not even the big noise okay let me play you the big noise get yourself back together

oh shit yeah that is happening to my boiler right now. What is it? I don't fucking... Is there a mouse in it? It's a big mouse if there's a mouse in there. It sounds like Chernobyl in there, and it's terrifying. But you can't get anyone to come and look at it because of COVID. Because of COVID.

Unless... But you see, this is going to be the thing now. The businesses that will thrive will be the certified immune businesses. And so they'll be able just to roam where they will and they'll flash their immunity sticker. And then, of course, there's going to be black market trading for immunity status. And there'll be... Oh, yes. There'll be a whole bunch of people illegally downloading immunity apps.

And there'll be a whole bunch of people illegally downloading immunity apps. And there'll be nightclubs. Instead of fake passports, it'll be fakely healthy people. Yeah. It's going to be like Blade. There'll be this whole vampire V human class of carriers and non-carriers and immune and non-immune. It's a living nightmare. Oh, no.

Sorry about that. Wi-Fi be moving so slow. It's taking ages for pages to load. It was like this when the engineer came. He said it was fixed, but now it's the same. I'm taking a photo of my tea to put on my Instagram. Some people like to see the tea of another man People be tripping out tea

Pick it, y'all should brew in a nice picket But I can't upload Cause my Wi-Fi's too slow Come on Come on I was disappointed not to see you singing Imagine with Gal Gadot a few weeks back. Oh, no. What's happened? What has happened? I mean, that's it, isn't it? That's it. You don't want to be that. Bless their hearts. I know. You just know they weren't, you know, it's just people trying to be like, we're going to do something nice.

Exactly. Trying to be nice, sort of reaching out, holding hands with the rest of the world. But the thing is that what seemed to be underlying it all was like, well, we're just not going to spend that much time on it because we're busy with other things so we're going to spend as little time as possible enjoying our stunning homes yeah we're not even going to agree what key this is in so everyone is going to be singing totally different it's like they're almost singing different songs it was a shame because as you say yeah it was that they were trying to be nice did you know eddie benjamin before that do you know i don't know him now no is he the one that was like maybe he had a big gap in his teeth and long hair. Young guy. How did he sing his bit?

It was pretty warbly. And now he has this, because I looked him up, so I was like, who's that guy? Eddie Benjamin. And he's just had a single out, and it's called Fuck My Friends. Have you heard Fuck My Friends? Have I heard it or have I done it? This is what the young people call music these days, Sasha.

The lyrics are, fuck my friends. I don't want to show anything. Lost my face and I lost my brain. I don't need their love. Fuck my friends because they only going to let me down. Now I'm wandering through this crowd. I don't need their love. Love.

I don't need their, I Love, I don't need their... I've lost my brain. Yeah, how do you think it goes? How do you think the chorus goes? Fuck my friends, I don't want to show anything. How does that bit go? Dancing, dancing, dancing in the party tonight. I ain't dancing with you

because you're my cousin in black. That doesn't even have the words Wait, no, wait I just got really scared about doing improvised singing there Let me think about it So fuck my friends, fuck my life Fuck my friends, my friends No way, you gotta get out You're my friend and

It's time to breathe from my snout You're still not saying the lyrics. I gave you the lyrics. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought that was the verse. And you're telling me to go. Oh, my God. Oh, no.

Hang on. The lyrics are, fuck my friends. I don't want to show anything. Lost my face and I lost my friends. I don't want to show anything. Lost my face and I lost my brain. I don't need their love. Fuck my friends. I don't need to show anything. I lost my brain and I lost my life.

My head's in a mess. I've forgotten the lyrics. Just play it. This is... here we go oh wow that is smooth that's not that's almost as good

as my version it's not got that grit that anger no it doesn't speaking of inspiring That's not that's almost as good as my version. It's not got that grit, that anger. No, it doesn't. Speaking of inspiring performances by musical geniuses, did you watch One World Together at home? Did you see any of those performances? Yes, I've seen a few of them. And again, you know, it's more like, oh, people have actually taken some serious time out of their day to try and do this.

But again, it is like, why you got a piano in the garden, man? You're talking about Sir Elton. Yes. And also, I'm, you know, I have to be honest, I'm worried. Why are you worried? Oh, because of the style of his rendition? Yeah. He didn't say the letter S once, and yet the song he sang was still standing. Well, did you ever used to watch Shooting Stars, Vic and Bob's show?

You remember the club sing-around? Mm-hmm. Where were they? Exactly. And that's what Elton John was doing on the One World Together at Home concert. I mean, it was so weird. Because also when he spoke

I was like oh Elton's in good health like he's singing sounds really clear and fresh and healthy yeah and then he's like

me like standing me and I and I can't stop standing and I

like to stand that is it sounds offensive and bad But that is exactly what he did Actually I'm going to do you I'm going to sing it over a piano I've downloaded a backing track

Oh great You can hit no water's light You float like wind And see that you're like ice A cold lullaby That's a giant bamboo Wind up like a raccoon Behind the man I mean, is it because, presumably it's because they are just bored of seeing it. I mean, how many times do you think Elton John has sung I'm Still Standing?

Six, at least six. Do you think more than six times? No, yeah, he's probably millions. Yes, exactly. No, I get it. Like when you do an Edinburgh show, not to make it about myself, which is I've literally done it and made it about edinburgh how disgusting but when you do material or whatever there are you realize there are sometimes where you're like oh i've literally started delivering that line like

yeah it used to be like and then i ate a pizza and you're like yeah exactly exactly it's just like he's done it so many times it is just abstract sound to him but i think there's a way of doing it where you can sort of mess around with the tempo or you know you do a slower version and if he was like i'm still i don't like that though i don't like it it's disgusting i'm just saying it's just weird to completely turn it into words that aren't words. Yeah. That was like the slackest tongue of anything I've ever heard. And I've kissed some bad people. And that was slack.

I mean, you know, on the whole, it's a lovely thing to do. But I'm just a miserable old, really bloated, sour old rat. No, I'm not. I don't think either of us are pouring scorn on the sentiment and the genuine desire to uplift and entertain people. And also, what do I want? Do I want videos of people being like, please, arms for the poor? What do I want and what? I mean, yeah, there is pretty much blanket coverage of all the miserable stuff if you want it.

I guess I just want to see people falling over and people scaring their dads. That's what I want to watch. What about animal videos? I think animal videos are doing well. Oh, aren't they always doing well, our sweet angels? © BF-WATCH TV 2021 we were doing a quiz last night you know we're doing one of those quizzes that everyone does and my brother hosted it and it was all about the theme was all about us and um i hosted the one the week before and mine was just about sex although i think i did something amazing and everyone you should who's doing like zoom quiz

and stuff should copy this i got everyone on the quiz to send me a photo of the person they lost their virginity to and then you had to guess which person was which and who'd lost that's a great game which person did you come up with that yourself i did whoa you could me and daniel came up with the theme of sex yeah and then i came up with that question but yeah i mean i don't want to start blithering on about sex facts but oh wow the animal kingdom and sex is so fascinating if you're bored yeah just read about animal you know a kangaroo has three vaginas. There's a type of... Is that true? True.

There is a type of mammal that's just been discovered in Australia that has sex so ferociously for such a short period of time, it disintegrates. That's true. There's like a type of fly, I think it's the damsel fly maybe i couldn't be wrong the type of fly that has a miniature spoon that comes out of its penis when it's having sex with its mate and it scrapes out any old sperm or like any like opposing sperm from another fly a miniature spoon i don't think it's a miniature it's called a miniature that's what they describe it on the animal sex website that i'm on the song that i've bookmarked it's it's absolutely

wild too there's a type of frog there's a male frog how do you think you give birth yeah and it's the man that gives birth he spits them out his mouth the babies are in his mouth and he spits them out that's how he gives birth because the eggs are in his mouth yeah i think that's okay i could have that's fine i'm fine with that you imagine me being like oh oh here it comes and then gobbed up my baby it's like a kind of jake wouldn't be fine jake and dinos chapman artwork yeah what's the thing that disintegrates? It's a mammal. It's a newly found mammal. It's got a really weird

name and it's only been discovered recently in Australia and it's I can't even name it. If you type it animal that sex watch it disintegrates. Animal that disintegrates. There's so many good facts. I'm going to...

Have I got them on my phone, Sam? Here we go. National Geographic. It's August in Australia and a small mouse-like creature called an Antikinus... That's it. An Antikinus is busy killing himself through sex. He was a virgin until now,

but for two to three weeks, this little Lothario goes at it non-stop. He mates with as many females as he can in violent, frenetic encounters that can each last up to 14 hours. That's too long. He does little else. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Soon it's all over. A few weeks shy of his first birthday. Wow, he's not even one he is dead along with every other male antikinus in the area the technical term for this is semel parity from the latin words for to beget once it disintegrates i mean disintegrate sounds better than what i'm getting here he just dies he has a lot of sex sex. How long can female lice have sex for? Female lice. I don't know.

70 hours. 70? 70 hours. They can go all night, all week. How much on average does an elephant's penis weigh? How much on average? Now, the question is, would you think it was massive because it belongs to an elephant or is it surprisingly small like a little carrot?

I'm going to go for surprisingly small and say it weighs, I don't know, eight pounds. You're wrong. 30 kg. We're talking like four or five stone. Oh, it's a big unit and the final one i will ask you is how long is an average duck penis to the nearest inch okay we're gonna go for surprisingly long so eight inches ten ten that's very long screw it's a corkscrew oh so and you stretch it out baby you've got that length.

That's not... But it still, it like hangs down. Like you, if you see a photo of it, it literally is like, oh, sorry, you've got a bit of a string tied to your leg. Oh, no, sorry. That's your willy. That's what my wife says to me. Okay, I'm exhausted now.

I'm going to disintegrate myself um and how has your day like what have you been doing today okay so me and ellie white my writing partner we have been well we were writing our sketch show before this happened and so we still have to write it because apparently we're filming it one day. It doesn't really feel like we will. I mean, will there be any wigs left? And also, will anyone allow us to make a show that is based entirely in a wet market when we're both dressed as pangolins?

What, a pangolin? Do you not know what a pangolin is? It's what started this whole thing. I don't think I know what a pangolin is. Adam, where have you been? Norfolk. A pangolin is is what started this whole thing. I don't think I know what a pangolin is. Adam, where have you been? Norfolk. A pangolin. Someone ate a pangolin that had sex with a bat.

Okay. Right, sorry, sorry. I was thinking it for some reason because it's not a familiar word. You thought it was a sentry towel? No, I thought it was a sort of fashion subset. You know, like a cosplay thing We're as a pangolin, so we're getting ugly We're getting wild, we're getting plain

I don't even know what a pangolin looks like It's like a little armadillo And the female ones have very dry breasts That are exactly like female breasts But with little crispy nipples I am now looking at a pangolin Oh, mate That's where it all

started right of course of course they're the most wanted animal the poor thing poor thing so yeah me and ellie are writing we to be writing too many of the lovely we are writing so much content about corona no we're not at all but it just is like you can't write sketches when this is happening i mean this is the thing though it, this is the thing, though. It is. This is the thing. We still need silly people and silly behavior. But sometimes it feels when you're indulging in that silly behavior, it feels sort of disrespectful to the people whose lives are being shredded by this thing. by this thing but at the same time that doesn't it doesn't mean to say that you know you can still be silly and be aware that it's a fucking terrible situation for people yes no and i all i think you have to just try and have perspective and be like it's all relative like you know my personal life

has been very much affected by this in that i have elderly parents who are insane and will not stay in the fucking house oh really is that true there but it feels like i thought i was alone and then i spoke to all my friends and they were just like yeah i spoke to my dad today um he said he had to go and check on a lamppost yeah what is it everyone was saying the boomers is the boomers because something to do with the fact that they were having sex in the like sort of 60s they don't understand the flu but yeah no yeah my parents are like heaven help me the stress that they've brought upon me and it's fine because I love them and they're my parents and they put up with so much stress for me and my brother.

So it's fine that they can be like that now, but it is like, I just love you so much! Stay in! And you're talking to them over the phone, are you? And they're out and about. No, so basically, okay, so my dad,

I've talked about him before on the podcast, he's a very mad, eccentric man. He also has, in basically, okay, so my dad, I've talked about him before on the podcast, he's a very mad, eccentric man. He also has, in the past year, been diagnosed with dementia, which is obviously very sad and very not nice. But also, it's something that I think millions and millions of people deal with. And, you know, he's in early stages. And also, it sounds insane, but this is how me and my brother spoke about it. I'm being probably far too truthful at the moment, sharing way too much,

but I haven't spoken to anyone in about four weeks, apart from my flatmate, who is insane. No, he's not. I love him. But me and my brother have made ourselves feel better about it in a weird way, because he's always been so eccentric as a human that it's always been like we've almost had to treat him as he has got some sort of dementia or something because his logic and his everything has never really made

much sense right he's always been a big pile of chewing gum with a load of fleas trapped in it like that's i've always known what it feels like to deal with loving something like that loving a big snail that's taken ecstasy and is just going mad but it's also a snail yeah so i'm sorry to hear that oh no it's it's it's so sad and like you know it's been very very hard but he's also i'm you know my he lives with my mom and they have a very unconventional setup but it's actually incredible and she's doing an amazing job looking after him and they're like to get very sincere there are so many amazing things that have sadly had to stop because of what's happened but like choirs and clubs and

like amazing things that like people with dementia and alzheimer's that you can go along to with him and he absolutely loves it like he was singing a greek song the last time he went and everyone was treating him like a rock star but basically yes he's got dementia so that's not great because he can't quite remember but he's like very OK with it. He's like for him, it was a relief when he got diagnosed because he'd been saying, my bloody memory's going. And we're always like, no, it's not. You're fine. And now he can be like, bloody is. So how how is it manifesting itself with him then?

Is it his short term memory that's shot at the moment? It's short term. So he sort of forgets that we're on lock you know he forgets so he's like when am i gonna bloody see you then babe and i'm like well i can't he's like oh yeah the old crin crionian the old gyros the crink wrong now they'll get the crank crank racks that's getting everyone. You know, he just can't like he it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter to me at all. I just want him to be healthy and happy. But, you know, like he doesn't really he's never the concept of tell.

I think I've talked about this before. The concept of me and my brother working, doing TV and stuff makes no sense to him because there's like, where's the shop front to our business? Yeah, because there isn't one. And he doesn't understand how a TV show can be on in England if I made it in a different country. So he's asked me the same question every time. So when are they carrying the TV show to the UK? Because he thinks the vampire, he calls the vampire show that I do,

What We Do In The Shadows, he calls it the dinosaur show. I don't know why. When are they bringing the dinosaurs? Well, they We Do in the Shadows. He calls it the dinosaur show. I don't know why. When are they bringing the dinosaurs? Well, they're kind of like ancient creatures, aren't they? So maybe... I think that's it. But it's also quite easy that he's so clueless and sort of forgetful about it because

I literally can cheer him up by being like, guess what happened today, Dad? Everyone everywhere in the world said one billion really nice things about me he's like really one million nice things the most important people in the world no way oh come on these are the best news i've had in my life but the thing is i was saying that to sort of stuff to him before he had dementia so it's

yeah i don't know Is there anyone out there? Phone in. If there's anyone out there that has had a very eccentric father or mother or parent or family member who then has dementia, how do you differentiate from the serious condition to their personality? There's also, I mean, I don't even know if this is another anecdote that's probably too long and boring, but basically, long story short, me and my brother are paying for a Turkish man and no one knows his name to stay in a hotel which is that Turkish man there was just you know this when the country went into lockdown and I was like right okay now my dad can't go to the gym and wipe his face on every instrument that he uses good good good this is good like

I calmed down and then things kept cropping up it turns out they have two students living with them who were like very close they've been there for a while so they're staying that's fine the house is as safe as it can be for my dad and my mum then there was another weekend where this just exploded and turns out cut back to christmas we were downstairs having dinner or whatever watching tv and my dad went is he coming down and i went me and my brother who's coming down he went the man and i went which man he went the man upstairs and i was like there's a man upstairs what like i've been staying there for four days i had no idea and. And my mum went, yes, there's a man upstairs, Natasha. And I was like, what's his name?

We don't know. OK. This is at your parents' house. Yeah, my parents' house. Stop asking. We don't know. Me and my brother were like, are you out of your mind? He's a very nice man.

We just don't know his name. He's a friend of the family of you on your father's side so like as most things that happen in that house i just was like oh well just it doesn't matter you don't live for anymore it's fine so they're happy they're safe it's fine so then cut to this and then turns out the man is still there and they weren't sure where he was and they thought he might still be working in a pub that was illegally open and then a lot of investigating was done the man doesn't speak english no one knows his name and he's half deaf and he's a friend of the family but i don't know if this is funny or just deeply deeply tragic but basically my parents felt so

protective over him but it was he was insisting that he still went to work and no one knows where he works and there was a chance that it was a pub or an off license or something and so i was like there is no way that this is safe to be in the house with dad and you because you're both above 70 yeah so no one could speak to him no one understood what he was saying no one wanted to just kick him out and obviously me and jamie couldn't go to the house because we're social distancing from them so we somehow found a hotel in harringay and he's now living in the hotel and we're paying for him to live there so what did you i mean how did you did you speak to him on the phone then and say look so they got someone to talk to him on the phone and explain what's happening he's

more than happy because the room he's staying in my parents house is my old room and it's a shoe box because my brother had the biggest room so he's really happy he's staying in a hotel nice and i mean it is the one of the maddest things i've ever experienced so this is what success looks like for you all the money you've made from what we do in the shadows and staff lets flats and your sketch show and your other magnificent projects is now being channeled into hotel rooms for um random random lodges that your parents have taken well me and my brother are splitting it so it's both of our hard-earned money going to that but it is you know it's fine and you're like well it's fine and it's what i had to do because we had to make sure my mom and dad were safe and they are very you know sweet people who didn't want to kick a man out onto the street during a pandemic yeah but at the same time you're like

the nhs you guys anyone i could be giving this money to but no gotta be it's got to be a nameless turkish guy you still don't know his name? No. They did try and say his name. They took guesses, but I can't repeat it because it's just deeply offensive. Just making like Turkish noises. It's not Dogan who we met last time. No, it's not Dogan. It's not Dogan.

You've got that story now? Yeah. That's down for the records? Well, not that your dad knows who I am, but give him my best of course no he oh if i told him dad a very very famous bearded little man yeah little man i'm sorry didn't we say little a hobbit dad a hobbit with a podcast a little hobbit from norfolk he's got six thousand pounds,000 and he says hello. Did he really? Oh, bloody hell.

Well, he made my bloody day. Give him my best. I take out the bins Every Monday evenings For collection early on Tuesday morning Except for holidays one week it's recycling The next week it is stinky bin If you miss the stinky bin collection It'll be sat there for a fortnight going shit

I was watching a video of you out in Austin, Texas at the South by Southwest Festival last year, 2019. Seems like a long time ago. Imagine. So weird to have done that now. I know. It's strange. It's strange looking at any... I was licking those microphones. Yeah. Big gatherings of people, everyone putting their arm around each other and taking selfies and you're just thinking, oh, wow, I wonder how long it's going to be

before we can do that again. Anyway. How do you feel about it? Do you feel like it's a gift from the gods that the universe is kissing us or do you feel like a hell? It's exactly as you described it. It's some days you think,

wow, I wish life was always like this. Minus the people dying and losing their jobs, obviously. And then other days I feel really weird and a bit depressed and frightened. And I feel as if this is unreal. You know, it feels as if everything's been put on pause. But, of course, it hasn't really. And, you know, fatten if everything's been put on pause but of course it hasn't really and you know fattening food still makes you fat i'm still getting older i'm still getting closer to dying of old age i hope or whatever i'm still addicted to masturbating there you go and uh

obviously we're watching responsible social distancing porn all the performers are more than two meters apart very long dildos but i was saying that i was looking at you promoting what we do in the shadows in south by southwest last year and they had a big old q a about 20 people on stage including everyone's spitting on each other yeah there you go just loving it licking each other and uh there was taika waititi and jermaine clement from the concords and stephanie robinson who's one of the writers who i didn't realize she wrote on atlanta as well she got nominated for an emmy for atlanta she's unbelievably talented and unbelievably young and unbelievably so fresh and beautiful and lovely and down to earth. Yeah, she looks like Zoe Kravitz. She's very.

Wow. I'm going to tell you said that. No, she's she's heaven. She's absolute heaven in a pair of jeans. Yeah. And there's Matt Berry, also heaven in a pair of jeans. Yeah, definitely. Such heaven in a pair of jeans.

Kay Van Novak. And anyway anyway very paul sims there paul i think everyone is there yeah i think yeah that's the fam you're all taking turns to pass a microphone along the line and answer questions in that ridiculous kind of awkward way that always happens when they do those giant q and a and there's only two mics or something. And someone in the audience asks a question and the question was, Hi, this is going to be my audience question voice. Hi, in any ensemble cast, you have to work in relationships and have creative partnerships. So what is your advice in maintaining creative partnerships and being successful working in large ensembles?

I mean, that's a real Q&A question. That's a question that no one ever in normal life would want to know or care about. But when you're thinking like, oh shit, I'm going to a Q&A tonight. I fell asleep when you were doing an amazing impression and yet i still fell asleep listening to that so how do you how do you reply like can you remember what your reply was because you had the microphone at that point oh god and all eyes are on you and so the question was what's your advice maintaining

creative partnerships and being successful working in large ensembles? And your reply was... Oh, my goodness. I can't, I mean, what was my, I can't remember. I think my answer when you asked me that then, when I woke up, was just send a lot of, like, dick pics. That's all I do. That's all I do.

Like, me and Matt Berry, me and Mark Proctor, it's just disgusting filth that we send to each other but like I just constantly photoshop fannies and willies onto photos of Matt make his nose look like a big willy make his mouth look like a fanny I think that's harassment what did I say what did I say something really sincere and like taking off the mask and being your true self, scaring yourself every day. You said your answer was be a legend. Oh, that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Oh, no. And so there's a ripple of chuckles through the audience. Sarcasm. They don't like it. They didn't. They weren't, like, busting a gut. But throughout the whole Q&A, it wasn't just you. No, Taika and Jermaine did an amazing,

I remember they did the most amazing, like, improv, little, like, double act speech before that, that they just made up. And my mouth was a circle. no taika and jermaine did an amazing i remember they did the most amazing like improv little like double act speech before that that they just made up and my mouth was a circle i couldn't believe how funny and great it was and then old shoulders mcgee gets on stage are you shoulders she's gonna smash it i'm shoulders she rolls herself out on stage and uh plops out be Be a legend! Be a legend! Made me laugh. Pathetic. Absolute pathetic. But then Kay Van Novak took the mic.

He's much better at stuff like that. His reply to the same question, what's the secret of working in large ensembles, was be modest, because he was sort of trading on the um confused response to your be a legend very good yes he got me yep very good yeah very very clever of him anyway well if you work with if you're working with an onion in a shoe then you gotta you gotta be on it and he was You gotta be on it.

And he was. You're the onion in the shoe. Yes, of course. Be a legend. Oh, no. It was good. It was good. Hey, Tash, we can wrap up now, I think.

Great. I have to say this quickly before I go. Daniel, who I live with, did I tell you this? He does the voice of the sausage. I've already told you that, haven't I? Which sausage? He does the voice of the silly sausage. What's the silly sausage?

It's a toy that you did a thing about. Oh, yeah. You did something about. Mia Jo played with the silly sausage. No way. That's Daniel. Yeah, and he's got it downstairs. No way. Yeah. How did he? Because he's a. Yeah, and he's got it downstairs. No way. Yeah.

How did he... Because he's a voice actor, is he? He's a voice actor, but he told me that he just messaged me. That was the message I got saying, by the way, tell Adam that I'm the voice of the silly sausage. Fucking hell, that's a pretty massive reveal. Yeah, I mean, I could get him to come up and do it. Well, yeah.

Daniel, I'm going to call... Obviously. Okay. mean i could get him to come up and do it well yeah i mean daniel i'm gonna call obviously okay dan come upstairs and bring the silly sausage you know all right i'll have a look for it well just just come on just come up just come up just come up okay okay he's coming just be the sausage he'll just be watching the news hey hey how was your chat very good we had a good chat thank you daniel can you hear me yeah hi do you remember when i i sent you a message about silly sausage a couple of years ago oh right that was i didn't realize that was you oh my god that was actually me daniel is

holding an actual silly sausage podcast regulars will remember that joe and myself a few christmases back when was it like 2017 maybe i don't know but i'll post a link um a few christmases back myself and joe played with the silly sausage on our festive podcast and daniel turns out to be the voice this is tash's flatmate daniel he's the best boy in the world he's called daniel barker i mean it's such a bizarre coincidence it is listen to that voice though listen when did you do the timbre of that voice well Well, I mean, the recording of the story is bizarre because this sausage went on to sell 10 million units around the world. And I just recorded it with a horrific kind of drugs hangover in Sutton. And it was so hot because it was one of the hottest summers on record.

And I was in this booth and there was no air conditioning, so I had to take all my clothes off. I mean, I probably shouldn't even say this, but it's fine. I mean, so the sausage, you know, the guy inside the sausage is a sweating, hungover maniac. And so I should explain for people who haven't heard the podcast with me and Joe that it's a toy called a silly sausage, and it's a sort of plastic game. It's a bit like Bop It.

And so the sausage makes various commands, like, squeeze me. What does he say, Daniel? He says, squeeze me, poke me, shake me, chipolata. Turbo. Here's the actual sausage sound. Silly sausage. Yeah, there you go.

I mean, you would never guess but i was in such a state when that was being recorded so you have to make the sauce to start you make the sausage say things and then repeat them okay You silly sausage! Chipolata party! Chipolata party! This is my bloody legacy now. It's an absolute disaster. We could invent some new phrases for silly sausage. You know, like social distancing phrases. Stand two metres apart.

There you go. Get away from me. Wash your hands. And what was the original direction for the voice well actually it was based off hanky panky the christmas poo in my mind that was the inspiration mr hanky same shape different color yeah right there you go wow this has been amazing thank you so much daniel yes great to finally like to put that to rest it's an honor to meet you silly sausage. He's gone, and he's gone, and he's gone.

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Yes. Continue. Come on, play with me. All right. It's a big red sausage, right? You've got to describe to the listeners what it is. I did. What did you say?

I said it was a big red plastic sausage. A sausage with a face. With a face. He's grinning at me. He's got goofy googly eyes. You see, I think this is the sort of merch you should go into. This is a merch suggestion. With my bearded face on.

Yeah, yeah. All right, here we go. So I'm going to push his... Silly sausage. Hello, silly sausage. Come on, play with me. I am. Stretch me.

Stretch me. Hook me. Dip me. Dip me. I did. Dip me. What does he mean, dip me? He means...

Push my bottom down. Oh, right. Dip me. Stretch me. Stretch me. Dip me. Poke me. Dip me.

Stretch me. Poke me. Poke me. Dip me. Stretch me. Poke me. The look of joy on your face It truly is Christmas

I'm just doing whatever the sausage tells me You're so easily controlled By a plastic sausage When will it stop? Never Hey, welcome back, podcats. A slice of silly sausage there from podcast number 62, the 2017 Christmas episode with Joe Cornish.

After that exciting meeting with the voice of silly sausage himself, Daniel. Thanks to him. And thanks very much to Tash Dimitriou as well for making the time to talk to me. I really appreciate it. And for taking my call there in the intro. That was very unorthodox. I don't know if I have made a spontaneous phone call like that in the last 10 years or something. I got out of the habit. I still find it strange when people call me out of the blue for no particular reason. Very few people do it, to be fair. So yeah, I just called Tash. I didn't even text her. That's what I would normally do if I just want to have a waffly chat with a friend, which doesn't happen very often, but I would probably text and say,

I was considering enjoying a catch-up conversation chat with you sometime in the next half an hour. Would that be convenient? Check it like that. You've got to go through the proper channels. Anyway, not buckles mark two, freewheeling lockdown buckles. Just call people up. I'm making too much of a big deal of this, aren't I? I apologise. I imagine a great many of you are worried about the status of my boiler. I'm glad to say that that particular situation is under control. There's a problem with the pressure. We've got a heating engineer to come round. Took all the precautions, everyone very careful,

as distant from each other as we possibly could be, although there was one awkward moment in quite a narrow corridor that was a bit strange, and everyone was closing all their orifices as they passed each other but problem was fixed so that was a relief a few weeks back i think it was the daisy haggard episode i resolved to supply you with a series of spotify playlists and so far i have produced two. I didn't make one for the Ramesh episode. I haven't got one for this one either because, as I'm sure you're aware, my audiobook comes out this week, Thursday the 30th of April and 10 of the chapters in that book,

I think there are 22 in all, deal with my adolescence in the 80s I was 10 years old in 1980 so my adolescence fell squarely in that decade so I've made a series of playlists 10 playlists for every year of the 80s which reflect not just the music that was in the charts that I enjoyed but also stuff that I was getting into around that time whether it was from that year or not you know what I mean those playlists are going to be up and accessible from Thursday on my Spotify site search for the real Adam Buxton all one one word. And actually, that was sort of an important part of the process of writing those chapters for me, was listening to that music. And

I found that if you went back and looked at the charts for, say, 1982, seeing all the songs in the top 40 for any given week, brought back so many memories about what I was doing at the time in really minute detail I could remember what I was wearing and who I was hanging out with and what we were up to and how I was feeling and what movies I was seeing and it was sort of the key to unlocking all these memories and you know I sort of cross-checked them to make sure I wasn't just imagining them tried to get the memories as accurate as possible but it's always hard with memories isn't it to know if it's the real memory you're accessing or is it just a memory of a memory is it the memory of the last time you thought about that thing or you told a story or other? I don't know.

Anyway, that's a very long-winded way of saying, if you're interested, playlists galore are coming your way. What else? Oh, I was on someone else's podcast. I was on Ask Ronna. That is a weekly podcast hosted by the American actor, writer, and comedian Jessica Chafin. I hope I'm pronouncing her surname properly. C-H-A-F-F-I-N. And she plays a character, Ronna Glickman, who will be known to comedy fans as one half of ronnor and beverly two american 50 something housewives and in the ask ronnor podcast jessica as ronnor and the american comedian brian saffy also co-host of the great throwing shade podcast with erin gibson invite a guest most recently it was A. Buxton. To help them answer real questions.

Sent in by listeners. So it's a sort of. Comedy advice. Podcast. Although Jessica. As Ronna. Actually gave quite good sensible advice. I thought.

I can't remember how sensible my advice was probably not very anyway i've put a link in the description of this podcast to ask ronald as well as other tash related nuggets i've got the video of tash at south by southwest doing that q a there's a very funny video of Tash doing a kind of Love Island audition tape there's some sketches with Tash and her comedy partner Ellie White what else, there is a link to episode 62 of this

podcast, a Christmas episode with Joe and that was the one where he gave me the silly sausage okay that's it. Thank you very much indeed. Once again to Tash. Thanks to Seamus Murphy Mitchell for his production support.

And to Matt Lamont for additional editing. Thank you very much, Seamus and Matt. Rosie, how are you? Just walked straight past me. Straight past me. She's fine, though. I think she's sort of enjoying the lockdown. She's getting more walks than normal.

Hope you're doing all right. Coping as well as possible. It is weird, isn't it? Like, as I was saying to Tash, sometimes it almost feels like a holiday. Other times it gets on top of you a bit more. But look,

another episode of this podcast featuring another non-essential conversation with a fun person will be coming your way next week. As will the Ramble audiobook. Don't forget to pre-order link in the description

until next time we meet take excellent care and remember I love you BYE Like and subscribe Please like and subscribe Give me like a smile and a thumbs up Nice like a pat when my bum's up Give me like a smile and a thumbs up Nice like a pat when my bum's up Like and subscribe

Like and subscribe Like and subscribe Please like and subscribe Give me like a smile and a thumbs up Nice like a pat when my bum's up Give me like a smile and a thumbs up Thank you. Bye.