THE ADAM BUXTON PODCAST - EP.135 - ELLIE WHITE

Episode Date: October 17, 2020

Adam enjoys a rambling conversation with British actor and comedian, Ellie White. CAUTION: BAD LANGUAGE AND SMUTThis episode was recorded remotely on September 10th, 2020.Thanks to Séamus Murphy-Mitchell for production support and to Emma Corsham for additional editing. Podcast artwork by Helen Green https://helengreenillustration.com/RELATED LINKSADAM BUXTON PODCAST LIVE WITH SUZI RUFFELL (21st October, 2020)A NIGHT IN WITH JOAN AND JERICHA (27th October, 2020)ELLIE & NATASIA - INSPIRATIONAL LOCKDOWN VLOG (2020, YOUTUBE)ELLIE & NATASIA - MUMS THE WORD (2019, YOUTUBE)ELLIE & NATASIA - INTERNET NAILS (2019, YOUTUBE)ELLIE & NATASIA - SEXY AMERICAN GIRLS (2015, YOUTUBE)CARDI B AND MEGAN THEE STALLION - WAP (2020, OFFICIAL VIDEO, YOUTUBE)CARDI B AND MEGAN THEE STALLION - WAP (2020, ORIGINAL UNCENSORED AUDIO, YOUTUBE)RAMBLE BOOK CARDI B BOOK ADADAM BUXTON'S RAMBLE BOOK (HARDBACK) (WATERSTONES)ADAM BUXTON'S RAMBLE BOOK (AUDIOBOOK) (2020, AUDIBLE) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I added one more podcast to the giant podcast bin Now you have plucked that podcast out and started listening I took my microphone and found some human folk Then I recorded all the noises while we spoke My name is Adam Buxton, I'm a man I want you to enjoy this, that's the plan. Hey, how are you doing, podcats? Adam Buxton here, reporting to you once again from a field out in East Anglia, UK, around about 10 minutes drive

outside the fair city of Norwich, currently categorised as Tier 1 in the new COVID restriction system. I like to think of Norwich now as Tier 1-er, because it's Tier 1. Have lots of people made that joke i don't know i'm not on social media anymore it's a pretty good joke though what do you think rose i'm gambling rose is gambling but look i'm not trying to make light of the situation i, I suppose I am a little bit, but I'm certainly not trying to rub Norwich's tier one status in the face of anyone listening who is currently experiencing tighter restrictions.

My sympathies are with everyone, regardless of their tier categorization. I'm hoping you're all doing as well as possible and plodding on. Go on, throw the gate. What are you doing there, dog? She's found some long grass. And she's bouncing. But look, let me tell you about podcast number 135,

which features a conversation with British actor and comedian Ellie White. This is a particularly rambly and frequently foolish conversation, which doesn't need a great deal of setting up. So I'll just give you a couple of brief Ellie facts. Ellie is a versatile performer with an amazing range. She does big, crazy characters on TV comedies like The Windsors, Murder in Successville and Vic and Bob's House of Fools.

But she's also got nuanced and naturalistic in her locker. As you will know if you've seen her in shows like This Time with Alan Partridge, Inside Number Nine, and the BBC sitcom The Other One, written by former podcast guest Holly Walsh. Ellie was the star of that show. However, fly past from the hairy bullet, Ellie turns in many of her funniest performances. This is in my opinion. In live shows, internet shorts and TV sketches made with her comedy partner and another friend of the podcast, Tash Dimitriou. and another friend of the podcast, Tash Dimitriou. Ellie and Tash are in the early stages of working on their own character and sketch comedy show for BBC Three. That's some way off, though, given the COVID situation. But for the past few years, Ellie and Tash have also been part of the main cast on the brilliant BAFTA award-winning Channel 4 sitcom Staff Let's Flats starring Tash's brother Jamie Dimitriou. My conversation with Ellie was recorded remotely

towards the beginning of September 2020, not that long ago. Towards the end in the course of discussing Cardi B's recent number one hit you should also be aware that there is smut and a lot of innuendo and some actual strong bad language which comes earlier in fact there's bad language so please do go with caution if that kind of thing is likely to you know take a giant plop on your day I wouldn't want that. Nobody wants that. Back at the end for a little bit more waffle, but right now with Ellie White. Here we go. Concentrate on that Come on, let's chew the fat And have a ramble chat Put on your conversation coat And find your talking hat

Yes, yes, yes La, la, la, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la output will you keep talking ellie tell me what you had for breakfast um i don't have any breakfast. Sorry to disappoint you. Had a cheese sandwich for lunch and some crisps. And I've just had water and two coffees today. And I've done very, very, very little.

That is not a balanced diet. Is it not? I don't think so, is it? I mean, I'm not the expert. Well, I mean, I feel terrible. I don't think so, is it? I mean, I'm not the expert. Well, I mean, I feel terrible. Didn't your parents ever tell you that breakfast was the most important meal? And if you didn't load up on breakfast, then you were going to die by midday.

They probably did. But I never used to eat it before I went to school. I've heard other people, you know, everything, every bit of knowledge nowadays, someone is going to gainsay it it or say actually the latest thinking is completely the opposite of that and if you don't have breakfast then uh it reduces the length of your life by up to 20 years for every egg you've eaten if i wake up very early fill me with eggs fill me with bacon fill me me with beans. That's very early. I'm talking five, six. Right. So you like the old traditional English breakfast when you can? If I'm up very early.

Do you mind me asking how old you are? I'm 31. It's a problem of mine. I see everything in terms of age, like who's at what stage, what have they learned, what should they have learned? Where was I at that point? Where were you at 31? 31, I had just started doing the Adam and Jo show with Jo. It was 31, it would have been 2000, I guess. And I was just about to get married.

The world was about to change forever. Well, I'm not in a dissimilar place. You know, I'm just about to do the Ellie and Natasha show. Okay. And I'm 31. The world's absolutely on fire. It's like the 9-11 of comedy. It's burning hard.

And it's 20 years later. Yeah. So not huge amounts of change in 20 years, Adam. So tell me about the ellie and natasha show is that a commission are you allowed to talk about it or is it nope no there we are i um and it's not huge amounts to say we can't film it at the moment right we were supposed to film it in may but we obviously got held up and so we'll maybe we'll film it next year. Okay.

And we'll send it to you. At any point, did your commissioner suggest that you do it as a lockdown show? No, thank God. I mean, you could probably do it. You've done some lockdown comedy bits, haven't you? We did a Staff Let's Flats lockdown comedy. And actually, Tash and i did do a sketch in lockdown

yeah which was really funny we both lost our minds doing it though it was it was all about it was a parody as far as i could tell of all the first wave of lockdown inspirational stuff that people were putting online like it was a sort of parody of the like real kind of burst of productivity that people seem to be very very smug about online making my sourdough and I'm making my tapestry and here's my avocado egg bowl um and that was what we what we were trying to kind of take the piss out of but like and then simultaneously behind the scenes be having breakdowns, which wasn't far from what was going on for most people, I think. Yeah, definitely.

How did you cope as a little sidebar before I ask you more about Tash and Ellie's show? I think it was all right. I mean, I live in a small flat without a garden. That was hard. But generally, I sort of think it was okay it was tough at times the general like kind of watching the news and feeling really worried I mean I went through periods of feeling that incredibly worried and anxious yeah but I'm not actually on social media anymore and And I think that was quite helpful. I think it helped me.

So I sort of refocused. You're not on social media. No, I came off before COVID. And I was going to, you know, I hadn't really been using it much for ages. So then I just thought, oh, I may as well come off. And then the pandemic happened. And then I felt quite smug and relieved that I wasn't on there. Because I just thought, whoa, I wasn't on there because I just thought whoa

I don't think I would have been able to cope with just everything whizzing around all the information and the misinformation and the recriminations and the judgments and the you should be doing this and oh my god you're doing that and you are literally killing people by doing that and it's like oh man I don't know I just yeah I i'm it's it's enough that going through your brain every day let alone like millions of other people telling you what they think as well and i think it just i think it was just helpful i mean sometimes you do feel a bit kind of like you're on the on the outskirts of some sort of club not being on there like you don't really know what's going on and oh did you

see that article that really interesting article that someone just shared and every single other person around the table are like yeah i know that was actually really interesting and you're like i've got no idea what you're talking about but i have spent you know four hours researching queen bees today so there you go maybe that's more useful i really just think that it's fine to be a bit irrelevant and a bit out of the loop every now and again like last night in fact at supper so i'm talking to you on thursday the 10th of september 2020 and last night my children and my wife started talking about um having friends. And then they were saying, oh, yeah, but they won't be able to come over now because it's only six people. You're only

allowed to have six people. I was like, what? I hadn't heard anything about it. I had no idea. Because I just lost track. I've absolutely lost track of exactly what you're supposed to do. I mean, in a way, I'm sort of now glad that it's been refocused somewhat and there's the new six people directive for however long that goes on but I mean it does obviously it's no it's tough but I went out for dinner in King's Cross last Friday night and afterwards we went to a pub that I won't name and shame but um we went in and it was it was absolutely like bubbling with people like alive right people licking each other's faces and then I went downstairs because I I mean I you know we did stay for a drink but we were standing outside

but I went downstairs to use the loot and there was a full dance floor. Whoa. Full dance floor of people grinding, dancing. Were people wearing masks? No. Wow. No. That was in King's Cross. It was actually shocking to me. Guys, come on.

I felt shocked. I'd like it to end now, all of this. I actually want it to wake up tomorrow and I want it to have never happened. Where would you go back to if you could go back to any year in your life if you could reset i thought you might say any year in time and i was i was i would go at 1892 why 18 what when columbus sailed the ocean blue no that's 1492 come on history buckles i don't know um any year of my life i don't know they're all beige they're all gray to me come on best year i liked 2004 what were you doing then uh i was in year nine at school how old are you what's year nine i don't know i'm no good at the i think it's 14 okay so you could have been like that was i feel like that

was an interesting age yeah actually i wouldn't want to go back there. Yeah, that's hard. It's complicated. But I'd like to see myself as that person, you know, like wearing very questionable kind of boot cut jeans and a bang on the door top, saying groovy chick on it. And really like desperately trying to get a boyfriend and failing I'd love to see that were you a nice 14 year old then yeah I was very nice you weren't a mean girl

when did you get to know Tash I got to know her um through Jamie because me and Jamie went her brother yeah Jamie Dimitri because we you, Jamie, we went to university together. Me and Jamie went to university together. And then we met Tash because we went up to Edinburgh to do a show together, me and Jamie. And she was also doing a show with her old sketch group, Oyster Eyes. And so we all became friends up in Edinburgh. But we didn't start working together till a few years later, like five or six years later. But we were just mates before that, hanging out. Which university did you go to?

Bristol. Did you have fun there? I loved it. I loved it so much. It was really fun. A very kind of laid back city, lots to do. There was a huge amount. That's where I got very eco.

I became a sort of big eco warrior when i went there there's lots of stuff about that there's big like eco communities there that are all sustainable and stuff like that and there's a big folk it's on that kind of thing yeah no it's good good alternative scene alternative thinking independent spirit arts i can imagine you living there actually i enjoy it every time i go there i go there whenever i film my bits for the crystal maze i play a head in a cage you play what you know the crystal maze with richard iwadi hosting oh i haven't seen that no that's okay i don't think i'm sorry i'm so sorry. It's fine.

I think Richard was just nice and he sort of suggested me for it. And now I just turn up there every year or two for about three days. It's one of the easiest jobs I've ever had. So what do you have to do? It's in a big studio, one of the biggest studios in Europe called the B factory have you been there no must have filmed stuff there no i remember um going to see deal or no deal get recorded in bristol is it was it there it may well have been there yeah yeah i went i went to see that a couple of times and um so they've just got this enormous set all the zones uh you know like what crystal maze is yeah yeah yeah i it was great it

was great but i haven't seen any of the new new stuff oh richard's really funny oh well i watch it what channel is it on four and um i am like a head a disembodied head and originally I was in the sci-fi zone. And so people would go into a little room and they would see me. It was like, you know, from Futurama, all the heads in the jars, that type of thing. Oh, yeah. And so there I was, clearly a man, a middle-aged man who had stuck his head through a hole in a set. through a hole in a set and clearly there wasn't any liquid in the jar because every time i said anything the jar would fog up with my breath and it was really it was really difficult they hadn't really thought about that and what i had to do was sort of push a hanky through the hole past my neck and kind of wipe it down in between each take oh my god it was so

uncomfortable as well because they hadn't in the on the first series they hadn't figured out where i was going to sit it was literally like oh you just go behind the set and stick your head up through the hole it's like yeah but where do i kneel you just kneel on the side of the set so it was incredibly uncomfortable second series they they had a chair there for me and each time it gets a little bit more um comfortable but you have a cushion for your knees or anything like that no they gave me a cushion at first it was just one of the sandbags that they used to hold the flats down there's something so horribly humiliating about that getting on your knees and posting your head through a hole yeah man especially when you're

approaching 50 like oh this is this is what's happened just just poking your head but it was fine it was nice to do it and you know I had to remind myself like listen there's way worse jobs than this and there is there is but I don't I I whenever I'm in a kind of like precarious position in front of cameras which isn't huge hugely often but sometimes I always have like you know those out-of-body experiences where I see myself and all I can see is just horrendously blank faces looking at me like I'm a fucking piece of shit are they the faces my legs spread are they the faces of the crew or an imagined audience they're they're kind of the faces of the crew but they're like you know multiplied by a million

and they're all just standing there just just horrendously horrendously judging me as i'm kind of swinging in the air in some sort of harness suspended yeah it's a humiliating job in many ways it can be very humiliating can't especially when you're doing comedy because it's you're asking so much really i mean to make someone laugh is a difficult thing and it depends on so many things and if you're asking so much, really. I mean, to make someone laugh is a difficult thing and it depends on so many things. And if you're not feeling it one day, it's so hard. And if you're not confident about what you're doing, it's absolutely soul-destroying to try and do it

and go through the motions. You feel like the most awful person. I think I, as well, when I first got a job you know on set i thought it was going to be like a comedy gig so i thought everyone in the crew would just be kind of laughing very very good but obviously no one can laugh because they're behind the camera so you just more often than not it's like very very soulless kind of empty hollow sets of silence while you're just desperately like clowning around trying to deliver these these jokes and that feel like you know when you're on stage you get a reaction well hopefully you get a reaction sometimes you don't

I actually was was thinking earlier about I feel like the first time i met you we were we were supporting you in manchester yeah we opened for you in manchester and we did really bomb did you yeah we really bombed because i think people were people were expecting like your your show and then high quality material well speaking of very low quality material me and tash then came on well opened the show as like we we used to do the set called sexy american girls which were basically like tash was like gyrating at the front in like an american flag and i would stand nervously at the back. The audience had absolutely no idea what was going on. We bombed for about 15 minutes.

And then you came on and did your show. You weren't American though, were you? You were kind of Eastern European or something. Yeah, Eastern European. What was the Sexy American Girls based on? What was the inspiration for that? Because I did a few shows with you doing that. We both did separate characters we both did like i

did used to do a character um who was very very like an eastern european character who was like very very very shy and softly spoken and tash used to do a character called bula who was like really outrageous greek character where essentially she just like gyrated and sold pizza slices as far as I can remember oh yeah in a pizza costume yeah and I think someone asked us to do a gig together and they were like why don't you just do those characters together and you just mesh your sets together or something we kind of were like oh it'd be funny if they were obsessed with America and they they were like all they wanted to do was go to america and that was their big dream but they ended up here by mistake so that's kind of how it how we started working together just doing that that set but now

you're doing a show together on tv congratulations thank you adam it's that's great i you know you know that i think you're great and I think you're very funny. Not the sexy American girls. They, they were terrible. Um, that's bad. Are they going to be in the show?

Um, we do, we don't do sexy American girls, but we do in the pilot. We did, um, these characters who were setting up a nail bar who were kind of, I guess, loosely. And when I say loosely, I mean strongly based on the sexy girls.

So they'll be in the series. And do you ever sort of think like, God, is it OK to even do accents these days? Like of anyone? I mean, even. Yeah, I've had to do a radio interview for like five live I think recently and someone asked me on there they were like so the character's Polish and um how do you feel you know doing a Polish accent number one I was like is she Polish don't know yes I wouldn't have assumed that she was Polish and then I just I honestly froze and I went I. And then I just, I honestly froze. And I went, I think I said something like, well, I had a distant aunt who was Polish.

And we always used to. Did you really say that? I think I did. We always used to, you know, joke around with the accent when I was younger. So it's something I grew up with. Yeah. And then afterwards I was like, I i'm gonna get dumped into the sea by twitter some of my best friends are polish i don't know well you know you could do one of those

like um dna tests and find that you're two percent polish and then you know you'd have a leg to stand on i spent a long time doing a character called Pavel, who was a kind of, I don't know what the accent is at all. Every now and again, I'll be watching TV and someone will come on and be like, oh, that's my Pavel accent. So where are they from? But yes, as you say, some people would say very confidently, oh, yes, that Belarusian character that you do or something like that. Well, that's right. They would be right because she's from Belarus. No, I don't know.

It's just shit. And people are right to call me out on it. I want to be called out, but I don't know there's so much that I agree with in the movement of, you know, making comedy progressive. And then there's other stuff that I'm like, come let's just yeah fun yeah exactly i don't know i hope that it uh i hope that the the needle ends up settling somewhere in the middle yeah i love the middle that's my favorite i love being in the middle i love straddling i love straddling a style um between two fields. I love straddling. I love straddling a style between two fields.

I just love straddling. I'll straddle any old thing. You know who else loves straddling? Who? Cardi B. But I'm not going to talk about that yet. I do want to talk to you about that, about Cardi B and that song. But I'm going to talk about it at the end. Okay. I'm glad you have a plan for this conversation. Yeah. I don't think there's any, well, this, this is the only thing that I've thought about previously that I wanted to talk to you about, but I don't think there's any way of talking about it without it being filthy. Absolutely. Yeah. That, that is that going to be a filthy

chat. It's going to be a filthy chat. So that's going to be at the end. She's got a very nice voice. Have you ever tried to get her? No, but I think she's funny. I've seen interviews with her. Anyway, look, we're getting ahead of ourselves. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I agree.

I think she'd be hilarious. And she is so mad. She's mad. But I mean, I have read stuff from people who say that she's problematic. But who isn't these days? I mean, I don't know. Everyone is and should be problematic and can be, has the potential to be. I would just like more transparency from the people who are lobbying the word problematic around

and more acknowledgement that they themselves in some way are certain to be problematic. There's going to be someone who calls someone else problematic who is themselves possibly problematic. That's happened before, loads of times. The whole history of now, I mean,

I can't cite any examples off the top. I wish you could type that kind of thing in to Google and get a good hit. Hang on, I'm going to try. Times when judgmental people have been proved totally hypocritical. And the hits I'm getting are not satisfying in any way. Ten best judgmental people quotes.

Six ways to deal with critical judgmental people. That's from Tiny Buddha. Would you like to know what those are? Yeah, I would. Acknowledge the pain. What does that mean? Little Buddha says, I have learned tocknowledge the pain. What does that mean? Little Buddha says, I have learned to acknowledge the discomfort with harsh words.

This doesn't mean wallowing in the pain or crying endlessly, but simply practicing awareness and noticing my own sensations and feelings as they arise, without getting overly attached to them or pushing them aside. So this is a website called Tiny Buddha. Simple wisdom for complex lives.-sized buddhism really for everyday life yeah if you've been judged harshly yeah then basically tiny buddha is saying enjoy it try to enjoy it well it's like you know kim k Kim Kardashian. She got famous by someone leaking her sex tape. Is that how she got famous? It sounds right, but I couldn't tell you.

So there's someone who has reveled in people being judgmental about her and turned it into absolute wads of green. Kim Kardashian sex tape archives. And then I just watch you watch the sex tape for the next five minutes. Now, let me go back to Little Buddha's advice for dealing with critical judgmental people to embrace your own fears and insecurities. We're still not dealing with the actual people. Little Buddha has kind of projected it back onto you. You know, how do you deal with it it's not really talking about you know the greater societal impacts of that it's

more like how are you going to deal with the judgment well maybe that's the point we should be resisting the urge to change the other person or be judgmental just back in their face and we should just yes well lead by example and style it out you know once a day i like to quote gandhi yeah which one do you quote an eye for an eye there you go makes the whole world blind that's the best one have you got any other gandhi quotes apart from that one dress to impress every day that's classic gandy funny you should mention that but i've got that quote on a poster done in really nice writing i've got on my kitchen wall is live love laugh prosecco time i went to a house once uh Yeah, it was pretty great. And no, there's more to the story than that.

We went to a friend of ours was staying in one of this is a bad way to set the story up. I'm going to start. We we went to stay in a place and it didn't belong to us. And the people who owned it weren't there and what they had done was paint sort of inspirational bullshit in massive massive letters all over the walls like it was a really nice place and in this big airy very minimal kitchen space with white walls they had just painted fucking bullshit all over the walls like as you sort of you know inspire yourself 15 times a day and if you can't inspire

yourself then inspire a child well i don't know i'm not good at making these up it's sort of like modern religion really those kind of things keep calm and drink coffee you know keep calm and flush the chain yeah they tweak a cynical streak in me and i just tend to feel you know that kind of thing should be something you've discovered for yourself it shouldn't be painted like rules on a wall you know it's the rule book around the house just painted on the wall no it's it's deeply deeply um sexy troubling oh hang on i'm looking up some inspirational quotes i think i did some inspirational some made-up inspirational quotes on eight think I did some inspirational, some made up inspirational

quotes on eight out of 10 cats does countdown. And I think they didn't use the bit. Oh, which isn't surprising. First of all, I'll read you some real inspirational quotes that I found online. Let your smile change the world, but don't let the world change your smile. Let your smile change the world, but don't let the world change your smile. It's okay to be a glow stick. Sometimes we have to break before we shine. Holy Christ. I mean, that is tortured, isn't it?

But who's making them up? Like, who's making them up? Because, you know, often you'll see a very nice quote by someone that you, you know, that they've out of i don't know like the narnia novels or something like that that's interesting or nice yeah and then the inspirational ones which seem seem completely arbitrary to everything and anyone and that they're just kind of beige these are some of my quotes I did on 8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown that they didn't use. This is something that Hillary Clinton said. Not Hillary Clinton, but Clinton. She said, kill them with success.

Bury them with a smile. Shit on them with a shit. I'm laughing at my own made-up quotes do you want some more yeah please here's one from sir alan sugar not sir alan sugar but sir alan s-u-r-a-l-a-n sir alan sir alan opportunities are like penalties if you miss them you're a cunt opportunities are like penalties if you miss them you're a cunt those are brilliant why do they cut those in the show they cut them because no one laughed at them in the studio or the audience or anywhere that was another big thing that we absolutely bombed on as well that eight out of ten cats oh yeah really just i mean just silence in the studio i think on the show

they they must have added laughter because i remember i remember getting and then also they give you wine don't they they do if you want it yeah so we got like more and more pissed and then by the end it was quite fun because we were just sort of taking the piss out of jimmy and then like task your picture of a cow with Jimmy sucking on the cow on our desk and kept showing it to me. And so we were both howling, but the audience was silent every time we spoke. That was tough.

Yeah, I've had shows like that. I've had really nice ones on there too. All I've spoken to you about is bombing in various like guises. I've had really nice ones on there, too. All I've spoken to you about is bombing in various guises. I know. I do tend to focus on failure. To me, it's funnier talking about the times that you've absolutely died than being like, I remember that gig I did where it was funny, actually, because everyone was laughing. Yeah, that reminds me of a funny story, actually. I was invited on Jonathan Ross's chat show,

and I went on there and I smashed it. And I could tell within seconds that I was smashing it because the audience were laughing so much, some of them were crying. Jonathan scribbled a note in the commercial break and passed it over to me and it said you're smashing it and then afterwards the next day there was articles in all the newspapers about how i'd smashed it the funny thing is i didn't think it was going to go as well as that i knew it was going to go well but i didn't think it was going to go that well.

I should tell more stories like that. Here's your Wikipedia entry. Yeah, yeah yeah ellie white born 1989 yeah english comedy actress you're okay with actress rather than the post-structuralist actor that i generally favor when talking about women acting people i like actress it's kind of flirty. It's fun. Yeah. It's kind of coquettish. It's nice. Actress. I got into it because from reading The Guardian, I think they say actor rather than actress. And I sort of thought, yeah, I think I would, depending on who I was talking to, introduce myself as an actor. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I i'll probably say actor but i don't feel offended by my wikipedia page okay ellie white is an english comedy actress her most notable role to date is as what are they going to say princess beatrice yep princess beatrice of york in the spoof royal

comedy the windsors yeah is that the most high-profile thing you've done, do you think? I don't know if it's high-profile, but I think it's possibly the most watched show that I've been in. And it's on its third series. I really like The Windsors. It's very funny. It's very funny. Yeah, it is funny.

That's Channel 4, isn't it? Channel 4, yeah. It's very fun to make. It's fun to. Yeah, it's funny. That's Channel 4, isn't it? Channel 4, yeah. It's very fun to make. It's fun to be in, for sure. That's a good cast as well. Look at it. So for those of you who've never seen The Windsors, you're looking at a British sitcom,

parody of the British royal family, House of Windsor. And you've got Harry Enfield in there, Hayden Gwynne, Hugh Skinner, Louise Ford, Ford Richard Golding Morgana Robinson Katie Wicks Ellie White you're just talking wham wham wham name name name name love it super talented cast and it is really genuinely funny um why are you laughing I don't know I sounded sincere no because no because you sort of as were saying, it is really genuinely funny.

You looked really mischievous. Oh, I'm just looking at the... Your face looked so mischievous that I was like, what's this? Well, what's the subtext here? Um, no, it's funny. It's, it's so fun. And it's very silly and light, I would say. Some of the impressions are

quite good though aren't they like you're all quite good at impressions no but i'm not i'm definitely not doing an impression because i don't know what she speaks like so i think harry is doing an amazing prince charles impression but um i have never heard princess beatrice speak so i'm not i'm just doing a silly character, really. Although she's probably not dissimilar, is she? No, surely not. The thing is about them is that I have a kind of strange empathy for those two girls, especially after the absolute trash heap that is their dad.

Yes, he is problematic. Who are you to say he's problematic i'm not problematic i've got no problems let's not as well forget fergie and her suitcase of cash yeah oh fergie and she's really i mean katie Wicks plays her and she's absolutely amazing. Katie Wicks is so funny, but she is really tragic in the show. You know, if I was to think of the royal family watching the Windsors, that's the only one that I would go, oh, I feel of it. That would be quite tough to watch. They claim that they don't watch The Crown. Do you believe that?

Absolutely not. I don't believe it. You reckon they're glued? If you, Adam, this is, okay, this is specific to you. If someone said to you, look, we've made like a biopic about your life, you're telling me... You're going for biopic rather than biopic, are you? Sorry, I'm just getting stuck on your pronunciation of that word.

What is that? Is that wrong? You're talking about a biographical picture, which is a biopic. Biopic sounds like it's dealing with biopia which is the narrowing of truth and meaning in order to win awards oh my god well i've always said it wrong i'm sorry i i'm terrible i'm problematic for bringing that up no i feel like i've been impaled no look not only did i derail you in a very rude way? I did so to humiliate you about your pronunciation, which is not cool, especially as I mispronounce things all the time. No, listen, you learn something new every day and here it is, biopic.

I just want to say that I'm sorry for the pain I've caused. I'd rather you tell me than for you to get angry letters about it. Angry letters. That snake with tits that you had on your show. But you were saying, and I apologise for derailing you, I think you were going to make the point that if someone had made a biopic, or biopic, it's cool, about my life, I would probably want to watch it you would would

i though would you i don't know would you if someone did that yeah would i would i would i would i it would be weird though i mean it would it would be shockingly strange though wouldn't it to see the way other people saw you in that way and just to play around because now the crown they don't even stick to the actual facts of what happened anymore on the crown they just make stuff up randomly i've never watched it but people say it is brilliant the first series i thought was brilliant i was less keen on the second one i just thought was it the second one or the third one i can't remember anyway the first series was good and then i've enjoyed it a bit less thereafter well yeah i i find it strange that they're now almost going to do up to modern day on it because the windsors is one thing you know it's just a parody

it's just a sort of spitting image type thing yeah but i mean i suppose they do do kind of real life things that have happened all the time based on real people don't they but there's i don't know there's something kind of perverse about it to me i agree i think it's strange if you're portraying people who really existed and are still alive yeah and they're gonna do diana they'll do the whole diana death i find it just sort of harrowing there's something harrowing about it that i don't, I'm not interested in. It's harrowing, it's sick, and it's offensive. I just bumped into you at the supermarket. I was backing out of a parking space and I hit your car. I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to. But you're angry now Very angry now And that's making me very angry too No, fuck you And your mother too how do you feel about the uk's current number one as we speak cardi b and megan the stallion yeah are in the number one spot with WAP or W-A-P. It is an acronym.

You're aware what the acronym stands for? Yeah. Okay. I won't say. It's in the song. Listen to the uncensored version of the song. Say it. Well, no, I don't want to say it because I did an ad for my book for the podcast

and I did a spoof of the song. an ad for my book um for the podcast and i did a spoof of the song but i said the words wet ass etc and um i played it to my wife and you know it was a joke it was like i i made a joke out of the fact that it was anyway it was supposed to be funny but she said don't don't put that out it's that is totally inappropriate you're 51 years old you can't put that out. That is totally inappropriate. You're 51 years old. You can't say that. You're now dragging me into the depths of hell with you. I didn't know it was number one. I didn't know it was number one.

I watched the video before I actually knew what the song was called or what it was. So mainly in the video, I didn't even really listen to the lyrics i don't think so i was just like wow i was like yeah in the video i think they say um wet and gushy in the radio edit yeah they do and i remember just being like this is you know a huge assault on my senses in a good way i was like visually that is and the only word I can describe it is as yow I think I had the same reaction mine was yow and then it was all the reactions wow whoa okay I don't think I'm that easily shocked but I think I was quite shocked yeah I was shocked I think I was quite well I was I was forced to say, yeah, it is actually visually really, really cool, I think. But the lyrics are, you know, another another story. Have you read the lyrics online? No, I haven't read the lyrics online, but I think I there's like a mop and a bucket at some stage to mop up the juice that is pouring from her pee would you like me to read you some of the lyrics

yeah and i'm going to replace some of the more explicit lines okay well i'm going to replace the acronym wap with the phrase the neighbor's cat um and it'll be obvious where i've replaced some other words and this is not all the lyrics, but these are some choice verses. I said certified freak, seven days a week. The neighbor's cat, make that pull-out game weak. Woo, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You foolin' with the neighbor's cat. Bring a bucket and a mop for the neighbor's cat.

Give me everything you got for the neighbour's cat Give me everything you've got for the neighbour's cat Beat it up, noodle Catch a charge, extra large and extra hard Put the neighbour's cat right in your face Swipe your nose like a credit card Hop on top, I want a ride I do a kegel while it's inside Now, do you know what that means?

No What's a kegel? What is a kegel while it's inside now do you know what that means no it's a kegel what is a kegel sounds like a morris dancing routine i think it's a pelvic floor exercise okay yeah yeah okay yeah yeah that makes sense look i need a hard hitter i need a deep stroker i need a henny drinker what's that hennessy maybe i really like the fact that she says look as well. Look, I'm going to say something very important now. Like Tony Blair. Look, look, look, I need a hard hitter. I need a deep stroker. Look, I need a Henny drinker. And I need a weed smoker.

Not a garden snake. I need a king cobra with a hook in it. Yeah. Hope it lean over. He got some money? Then that's where I'm headed. The neighbour's cat, A1, just like his credit. Spit in my mouth.

Look in my eyes. The neighbor's cat, come take a dive. Tie me up like I'm surprised. Let's role play. I wear a disguise. I want you to park that big Mack truck right in this little garage. He got a beard. Well, I'm trying to wet it. I let him taste it. Now he diabetic. Yow. Yow. Because it's so sweet. It's made him diabetic. I don't want to spit. I want to gulp. I want to gag. I want to choke.

I want you to touch that little... This is the best bit, actually. In a way, the writing is very good in some of it. I want you to touch that little dangly dang that swang in the back of my throat. Oh, yow. That's quite good, though. It's very specific.

It's very's very specific it's very very specific and she's but she's found new ways to think about these things and describe these things and that's that's the object of the exercise i mean this is what pop music is supposed to do though you have to remind yourself and it's part of a long and proud tradition of freaking people out with sex chat in in music yeah i i don't i mean to, to me, it's great. There's a lot of metaphors in there, which I love to see in the song. I don't want a grass snake.

I want a king cobra. That could be a number of things. Yeah. She could be talking about a number of things. Do you ever have kind of more conservative thoughts and just sort of think, well is society heading if you're pushing the boundaries this far back then everything just becomes less and less shocking everything becomes more extreme this is taking place in the context of violent pornography that is cheapening

the experience of sexuality i'm saying it in a funny voice to try and deflect criticism for being extremely prudish and conservative but i do think some of these things no no i i you know it's hard it's even hard and it's a sort of difficult like feminist position to be in that's that's you know caused lots of rifts within feminism as well about like you as a woman feeling power and having power over your own sexuality and your own body that she obviously does you know she obviously is a very sexually liberated and like sexual person she loves talking about sex all the time and she she's quite entertaining with it as well like she is quite funny yeah you know this is when i hear my dad's voice in my head and his problem with this kind of thing not specifically sort of

sexy lyrics but in general he would think that oh well you're sort of cheapening things that shouldn't be cheap and things that are really important and should be special and yes if the currency for the way you learn about those things or discuss those things is so debased then you inevitably will debase the experience of those things yeah yeah i guess it's difficult because you don't want to also you know you don't want all men to think that women are basically just right like like absolutely like just dripping at all times waiting to be penetrated because that that isn't true no it isn't true and and you know that that's probably something that should be talked about more you know female dryness and maybe i'll i'll do a sort of comeback song about female dryness and being the driest pee in town.

Scratchy pee, that could be your rap name. Because I think it is probably a male fantasy or like a sexual fantasy, whether it's male or not. The, you know, the pee. I'm literally saying pee because I know my mum's going to listen to this and I don't think she could take me saying pee. Say the neighbour's cat. The neighbour's cat.

That, you know, you are constantly, you know, your neighbour's cat is dripping wet all the time. That doesn't sound better. That still sounds better. Look, here's, the thing is that doesn't sound better that's still um look here's the thing is that you know it is still evidently it's not supposed to be an instruction manual for your opinions on sexuality or how to treat women it's a piece of entertainment and and sort of mad fantasy but um and as i said you know it's in the tradition of of lots of other very suggestive songs i think it is good that it's a woman talking about her genitals you know there

have been a lot of men who've taken ownership over that in the past and it's quite nice that it's like a girl being like i enjoy sex i love sex this is what i'm going to talk about these are the things i like in it and you know you know, here are my breasts as well. On top of that, here they are in the video, plain in sight. You can see them. I can. I did. I did. Yep. I can and I did. They were definitely there.

Yeah, Grace Jones, pull up to the bumper. That was some pretty saucy stuff. What was in that? Pull up to my bumper, baby, in your long black limousine. Pull up to my bumper and drive it in between. Pull up to it. Don't drive through it. Back it up twice. Now that fits nice. Grease it, spray it. Let me lubricate it. There you go. Will you Google George Formby, my little stick of rock, I think it's called. So this is the thing, you know, that's to me, that's just, that is literally just as dirty, if not more. Yeah. Have a quick listen to that.

OK, wait. I'll be dressed like all the sports in my blazer and a pair of shorts with my little stick of black rock. And a pair of shorts with me little stick of black rock Along the promenade I stroll It may be sticky but I never complain It's nice to have a nibble at it now and again Every day wherever I stray The kids all round me flock One afternoon the band conductor up on his stand Oh, my God.

So there you go. You get the idea. It's very, very offensive. It's laden with innuendo. I think it was even banned at the time, 1937. According to socio-musicologist and rock critic Simon Frith, the management of BBC Radio were concerned about broadcasting the song because of its sexual innuendos, especially with lines as,

with my little stick of Blackpool rock along the promenade I stroll. It may be sticky, but I never complain. It's nice to have a nibble at it now and again that is that's worse i would say i think that is worse she's literally just asking you to you know bring it she's asking you to clean up after yourself she's asking you to bring a mop and a bucket and he's he's asked no he's that's much worse it's disgusting and so what i've done just to make it clear what's going on is i've stripped out the innuendo from some of the lyrics instead of my little stick of blackpool rock i've substituted the word cock just to make it clear and so this is what he's saying every year when summer comes

round off to sea i go i don't care if i do spend a pound i'm rather rash i know see me dressed like all the sports in my blazer and a pair of shorts with my cock along the promenade i stroll it may be sticky but i never complain it's nice to have a nibble at it now and again. One afternoon the band conductor up on his stand somehow lost his baton. It flew out of his hand so I jumped in his place and then conducted the band with my cock. With my cock along the promenade I stroll. In my pocket it got stuck I could tell because when I pulled it out it because when i pulled it out i pulled my shirt off as well a fellow took my photograph it cost one and three i said when it was done is that supposed to be me you've properly mucked it up the only thing i can see is my cock. That is, it's so, it's actually, that's pretty special, what he's done.

He's sick. He's absolutely sick. And when the next time someone tells Cardi B off, she should just. I don't think she cares. I think she is having the time of her life. I don't think she cares. I think she is having the time of her life. I don't think she gives a flying shit. Wait, this is an advert for Squarespace. Every time I visit your website, I see success.

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Yes. Continue. I want you to touch that little dangly thing that's swinging the back of my throat. Hey, welcome back, podcats. That was Ellie White. Very grateful to Ellie for making the time to come and talk to me. Maybe one day we'll get Ellie and Tash back on the podcast together. That would be fun, I think. a few of their videos that have made me laugh particularly, including that one that was mentioned fairly early on about their lockdown routine, inspirational lockdown vlog, and a few other bits and pieces related to Ellie and Tash.

Also, in the description of the podcast this week, you will find links to a couple of upcoming events one of which i've mentioned before the live podcast with comedian suzy ruffle which is uh happening in a few days as i speak on wednesday the 21st of october that is gonna happen at 9 p.pm as part of the Unmute podcast festival. Check out the link in the description to see who else is part of that festival and also to buy a ticket to see myself and Susie in conversation this Wednesday. If you wish. If this doesn't appeal, that's fine.

You don't have to do anything you don't if this doesn't appeal that's fine you don't have to do anything you don't want to do i mean that's not actually true we all have to do things we don't want to do from time to time but this isn't one of them other event that's coming up and i did send a newsletter out so some of you might be going, boring, we've heard all about this in your newsletter buckles. All right. And if you're thinking, newsletter?

Why didn't I get a newsletter? Well, you can sign up for the newsletter, which is not a regular thing. I've only done two so far, just to let people know about events. But I will send out newsletters more in the future. So if that sounds good, you can sign up on my new website, adam-buxton.co.uk, link in the description of the podcast. But what I was telling people about in this week's newsletter was another event that I'm very excited about.

On Tuesday, 27th of October 2020, at 6.30pm, you will be able to watch me, Adam Buxton, interviewing two of the comedy world's greatest actors and improvisers, Julia Davis and Vicky Pepperdine, who will be in character, while I talk to them, as Joan and Jerrica. I'm sure many of you are already familiar with their podcast, Dear Joan and Jerrica, in which they provide shockingly offensive and judgmental advice and opinions on questions of a sexual nature. It's also frequently extremely explicit and filthy so tread with caution if that's going to be a problem but it's very funny improvised by julia and vicky and uh they will be improvising with me well i'll be asking them questions on the topics of love and sex and romance etc

as part of an event organized by fane f-a-n-e to coincide with the publication of joan and jerica's new book why he turns away do's and don'ts from dating to death that is published at the end of this month on the 29th of october and i imagine joan and jerica will be doing a little bit of reading from that book as well as answering my questions and just chatting generally about their lives and the world in a unpredictable, unrehearsed scenario. So it has the potential to be terrifying and traumatic, I would say. But also, I hope, very funny. If all that sounds appealing, click on the link in the description of this podcast to buy your tickets for a night in with Joan and Jerika.

All right, Rosie, let's head back. Saturday night, it's party time. We're going to have supper. I think it might even be tele-supper tonight. Whoa. Tele-supper with a movie, not easy. Trying to find a film that is going to be acceptable for all members of castle buckles two teenage boys one 12 year old girl middle-aged man and woman um it's very hard to find something

that everyone's going to be into and not complain about. Tonight, I think we're going to go for Biloxi Blues. Adaptation of a Neil Simon play starring Matthew Broderick as a young man who goes and joins the army and has to deal with a kind of fascistic, unhinged drill sergeant man, played by Christopher Walken, very well. And I was reminded of the film

because the other night we watched David Cronenberg's adaptation of The Dead Zone. 1983, I think, starring Christopher Walken and Phoebe Cates. Hello, fact-checking Santa here. Phoebe Cates wasn't in The Dead Zone. She was in Gremlins, you idiot. Brooke Adams was in The Dead Zone. And Martin Sheen as well. He's in it. Haven't seen it for years

and years. And I can't remember why, but I suddenly thought, oh, let's give that a watch. Maybe it was on TV. It was one of those things where we were flicking around and there it was. And I said, no, let's not watch it now. Let's download the whole thing and we can watch it as a treat next Saturday night.

Yay, thanks, Buckles. Living in Castle Buckles is the best, everyone shouted and then started singing and patting me on the back. Well, it turned out that actually it was pretty great. I'd forgotten how good it was. great. I'd forgotten how good it was. You may disagree. You know, it's not like there's not that much to it. It's almost like an episode of The X-Files or something. But Christopher Walken is really mesmerizingly good in every scene. He sort of elevates it from a kind of a TV movie to something a little bit more special. But I think the possibility of Biloxi Blues being a crowd-pleasing barnstormer is fairly slight. We'll see how it goes. All right.

Thank you very much to Ellie White once again for making the time to talk to me. Thanks to Seamus Murphy Mitchell for production support on this episode. Thanks to Emma Caution, a new name on the podcast. Emma did some conversation editing. Thanks very much indeed, Emma. And thanks to Helen Green, who, as ever, is responsible for the podcast artwork. Till next time, take all the precautions, and remember, I love you. Bye! Thank you. Thank you.