THE ADAM BUXTON PODCAST - EP.145 - ADAM AND JOE

Episode Date: December 25, 2020

Adam enjoys some festive waffle cake with his old friend Joe Cornish.Conversation recorded remotely on 19th December 2020.Thanks to Séamus Murphy-Mitchell for production support and to Matt Lamont for additional conversation editing. Matt's recently set up his own podcast company, called PodMonkey. If any of you podcats have a podcast that needs making then get in touch via www.podmonkey.co.ukAdam Buxton Podcast artwork by Helen Green https://helengreenillustration.com/Thanks to Harry & Cal from Hooton Tennis Club for their jingle.RELATED LINKSADAM BUXTON'S RAMBLE BOOK (AUDIOBOOK) (2020, AUDIBLE)ADAM BUXTON'S RAMBLE BOOK (HARDBACK) (WATERSTONES)THE STAVES - GOOD WOMAN PLAYLIST (SPOTIFY PLAYLIST)THE STAVES - I'M ON FIRE (BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN COVER) (2015, YOUTUBE)JOE'S INSTAGRAM PAGEYour one stop shop for J-Corn news (including details of Joe's latest project for Netflix) and a lot of old Adam and Joe bits and pieces and assorted juvenilia.NATIVE INSTRUMENTS VSTsMARIAN KEYES ON TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF AT CHRISTMAS (2019, YOUTUBE)If you find Christmas one of the most stressful and lonely times of the year, here's a few words of support from writer Marian Keyes.NEVER MIND THE BAUBLES - THE PISTOLS AT CHRISTMAS (Directed by Julien Temple) (2013, YOUTUBE)THE STAVES (WITH ADAM BUXTON) - CHRISTMAS CORNBALLS (2020, SOUNDCLOUD)Based on One More Sleep Til Christmas by Paul Williams from The Muppets Christmas CarolADAM'S DREAM SONG - OPENING NIGHTMARE (2020, SOUNDCLOUD)JOE'S DREAM SONG - DEMENTED DREAMS (2020, SOUNDLCOUD)THE CROWN - SPLASH PREMIERE (2020, SOUNDCLOUD)THE CROWN - LIVE AID (2020, SOUNDCLOUD)

I added one more podcast to the giant podcast bin Now you have plucked that podcast out and started listening I took my microphone and found some human folk Then I recorded all the noises while we spoke My name is Adam Buxton, I'm a man I want you to enjoy this, that's the plan. Hey! How you doing, podcats? Adam Buxton here, with my best dog friend Rosie,

taking a walk through the icy, waterlogged fields of East Anglia, UK. We enjoyed a day of torrential rain yesterday. It was like a scene out of a disaster movie. Now there's quite a bit of flooding around. Plus, the temperature has plummeted. Oh, and it is bitey. When I came out on this walk at the end of the afternoon on Christmas Eve 2020, it was all quite nice. George Lucas, Star Wars prequel, tacky sunset. But in just five minutes, the black, black cloud has rolled in the wind has picked up and all the signals are

pointing to me keeping this short and heading home for a cup of tea and a mince pie that's a shame obviously because i'd written quite an amazing 45 minute monologue just looking back over this year thinking about some of the lessons we've learned, and then there was going to be a short test. But sadly, that's not practical because it is so freezing that I'm in physical pain. How are you doing, though? Not too bad, I hope. Welcome to podcast number 145. Have I said that yet? I don't think so. Anyway, it features, in case you didn't realise, a rambling, festive conversation with my old friend, the talented director Joe Cornish.

He made Attack the Block and The Kid Who Would Be King. And he's working on a fantasy series with Netflix that he hasn't really told me that much about. It sounds great, though. Anyway, we don't talk about any of that. I don't think I need to set up what we do talk about too much. I will say that we made an effort to keep the language as family-friendly and festive as possible,

although stricter families may want to tread carefully in certain places. It's nothing too bad, I don't think. But some parts of the dream that Joe had, which he wrote a song about, might be a little confusing for some families. I don't know. Back at the end, for a very

small slice of festive goodbye waffle. But right now, with Joe Cornish. Here we go, ho-ho. Ramble chat, a Christmas ramble chat. We'll focus first on this, then concentrate on that. Come on, let's chew the fat and have a ramble chat. Put on your fluffy winter coat and find your Santa hat. Yes, yes, yes. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. I'm going to have a little drinky because it's Christmas.

I'm going to drink responsibly, but I am going to have a little wee drinky. And this is from my pirate bottle. That's a cork that's already been opened because it's moist around the edges. This is the cognac that I've been supping when I do live podcast appearances over Zoom. Thin end of a wedge wedge you're going to be like jeffrey bernard relying on drinking when appearing professionally in public is a slippery slope it's not a good idea it's a fun slippery slope like a flume in a water park i would never drink while i'm talking to a guest on my podcast what are you doing now well you're not really a guest

you're no that's true this This is an Adam and Joe episode. True. Good. Well, drink up. Thanks very much. Cheers. I'm drinking some Coke Zero. Yeah, quite right.

Drink responsibly. Don't feel pressurized to join in or do anything. No. Just give yourself a break this holiday season. You know, one of the major discoveries for me this year was Coke Zero. A writer I was working with drank some in a meeting and she gave me a sip have you ever had it yeah i mean it tastes like coke but it's got no sugar right but it's got a strong sort of sugary boink to it doesn't it really does it's

got the caffeine but it's got zero sugar and this is no kind of sponsorship thing what it does have though is quite a strong laxative effect oh really i think but i don't mind that i feel double cleansed well it's nice to be regular it is nice to be regular but you don't want to have two in succession in a long meeting otherwise you might shit your pants yeah that's true hey by the way that's fine what you just said and i'm not going to shame you or anything for using that the swearing the swearing but let's try and keep it as clean as possible good idea because it's christmas because it's christmas and neither santa jesus mary joseph any of the three kings or any of the farm animals in the manger would enjoy that kind of foul language in reality we are doing this over a zoom link but in our christmas fantasy we're not but

there's one element of this that has to sit in reality which is present giving present giving yeah so many of the conventions of the podcast in the past have fallen away somewhat i'm afraid to say that there are few of our regular features because we haven't got messages from listeners hasn't been possible for practical reasons, but the present exchanging is still very much a feature. And because we are at a physical remove, we will be exchanging audio gifts. That was Joe's idea.

I loved that idea. I thought it was great. I was very excited that you loved it. I was like, is he going to like it? Is he going to like it? Loved it. Absolutely loved it. I went like, is he going to like it? Is he going to like it? Loved it. Absolutely loved it. I went into my wife and I said,

Wife, do you know what Jay Korn's just come up with? I was worried about the whole present giving factor on the Christmas podcast. Jay Korn just suggested that we exchange audio gifts over the internet. What do you think of that? Is that real? Is that real is that true yeah she thought it was great and it was a very sexy evening that we had afterwards so maybe i will start by giving you an audio gift right now that would be really really lovely okay cool the only issue is with this whole audio gift thing is i've like in the past i've been pretty

good with gifts i don't want to blow my own trumpet but i will because no one else does it i've been pretty generous with presents true thoughtful written stuff on the train on the way down gone to hamleys gone to morley's in brixton to the toy department really gone out of my way to get you stuff this year i think i've got three presents for you three audio gifts yeah one of them's just me talking okay not this talking but a different sort of talking later that's absolutely cool because yes in the past you have been more than generous and thoughtful and well prepared for this podcast and so you are definitely allowed a pass this year but hey it's the quality not the quantity of the presents i mean you might have loads but they might all be

rubbish well i might just have a couple but they might be humdingers see what you think i am quietly confident about this first one this is a musical collaboration between myself and a real band an actual band with a record contract and several albums under their belt. Wow. And critical success, commercial success. Steps. It's not Steps, although I did reach out to them.

S Club Juniors. No, and it's not Scooch. The Flying Pickets? No. The Flying Pickets were busy. Well, that's it. I've named all the? No. Hmm. The Flying Pickets were busy. Well, that's it. I've named all the big ones. Yeah. It's the Staves. Now, some of you listening will already be familiar with the Staves.

They are comprised of three sisters, Emily, Jessica and Camilla. They are from the Stavely-Taylor family, based in Watford. So that's how they get their name, the Staves. Do you also know what the definition of a stave is? It's some kind of musical annotation. Isn't it a stave? Exactly. In Western music, a stave or staff is a set of five horizontal lines and four spaces that each represent a different musical pitch. Anyway, the Staves are terrific. And I think I became aware of them first because we played one of their videos on Bug. And then I found out that they were fans of Bug and listened

to the radio show when we used to be on the radio, you and I. And now I think they listen to this podcast. So when I reached out to them, they kindly responded and collaborated with me on a piece of music, especially for you, Jay Korn. Wow, that's incredible. I'm very excited. Yeah. I can't wait to hear it. They're so talented, these people, I'm telling you. And it's really quite cool. And I was really excited when they came back to me very quickly with a response.

when they came back to me very quickly with a response and they played the music that you can hear in the background, the instrumentation there, the brass, the piano, the guitar that you can hear. Their voices are beautiful, angelic. They sing these lovely close harmonies. Their music generally recalls, as far as I'm concerned, elements of classic acts, Fleetwood Mac, Joni Mitchell, Nick Drake, Carole King, that kind of thing.

Set the bar low. Why don't you? They chose to do a version of the song One More Sleep Till Christmas, composed by one of our favourite composers, Paul Williams. Really? Originally performed by Kermit Frog as Bob Cratchit in the Muppets' Christmas Carol, 1992. Great movie. They love that movie, The Staves. Do you know, I have to confess, I've never actually seen it.

You're an idiot. I'm an idiot and I'm going to watch it tonight, Christmas night. So the instrumentation, the melody, the arrangement, etc. is related to One More Sleep Till Christmas, composed by Paul Williams. However, I have changed the lyrics in order to fully celebrate Cornballs at Christmas. There is a tall and handsome man Who comes this time of year With tasty Christmas waffles

You can stuff inside your ear With chuckle gifts and laughter beans For girls and boys and in-betweens Hooray! It's time for Joey Christmas Cornballs. What's Cornballs got in his festive waffer lamp? I hope it's deep-level cinema knowledge. Is it just me who finds him very attractive? No, silly. Everybody does.

All year he worked so hard inside the factory of dreams Creating timeless narratives to brighten up our screens. And even when the world is tough and some say dreams are not enough, Christmas Cornballs just serves up another plate of dreams. As well as Cornwalls, he is known as J.E. Corp. Or maybe Jobo, or sometimes Corny Corps. Not many people call him Corn Dog. And please don't call him Horty. That's inaccurate and naughty.

Joe, Joey, Joe, ho, ho, ho, Joey, Joe, Joey, Joe, ho, ho, ho, Joe, ho. Love it. It's my favourite bit, middle eight. Just a taste of Cornball's delightful champagne. You can feel his quirky outlook fizzing up your brain.

I'd say his friendship is the best gift any person knows but it depends on how the doodle story goes if it's like last year then I formally withdraw this

cornball song oh that was sensational. I mean, it was literally sensational. It caused sensations to sort of zap through me as I listened to it. You know, it had very powerful lyrics. At the beginning, I thought, like, when you say, am I the only person who finds him attractive?

And then one of the staves says, no, silly, everybody does. I thought, well, that sounds a bit sarcastic. No, no, no, they weren't being sarcastic. Well, that's what I thought, because then they really dug in a lot with the praise. Then there was a middle eight, which I really appreciated because it let some air in. It just relaxed the whole thing. And it showed that this was a really honest piece of music that didn't need to try too hard it could afford to just be slow and silent and that's just playing the guitar there beautiful

beautiful beautiful and then it had a modulation didn't it maybe two maybe two that was amazing very beautiful i'm really honored and touched yeah it really touched all the bases, didn't it? Good looking, Dream Factory, all my nicknames and some things that I'm seldom called, which is important to cover. You wrote the lyrics, right? Yeah. Tell me about writing the lyrics. Where were you? What were you feeling? How long did it take? That kind of thing. Talk to me about that. I was under a lot of pressure. I left it till the very last minute and I think i churned them out in about half an hour what do you mean what pressure what you you had a stave deadline yeah yeah yeah because they're busy they're an actual band yeah and they have lives and there's three of them yeah and i was asking them for this favor fairly close to christmas yeah and they were very generous with

their time yeah but they had a deadline and i went right up against it and in the end i got so stressed out and i just thought no i can't do this this is a disaster that i just took a deep breath you know geniuses always give you tips like on master class on the internet what to do when you face a blank page kind of thing face a blank page and you know it's easy for all these people who are successful in their fields they're always tossing out little nuggets of wisdom and hacks and tips and all this kind of thing and i've always resented them because i find them very hard to actually incorporate in your real routine it's all fine once you're successful to retrospectively tell everyone how you did it but the one thing i've learned is that it's always good to go for

a walk always good even if you feel like i can't go for a walk i haven't got time i've got to do this thing that's exactly when you should go it's true yeah and so i went for a walk with dog and it was a beautiful day and we just went out for half an hour and the lyrics that you just heard in that incredible song i mean this is going to be hard to believe but they just came to me within that half hour period while we were out walking that's hard to believe yeah because if you think are you thinking about the lyrics well yeah i mean lines such as there is a tall and handsome man who comes this time of year with tasty christmas waffles you can stuff inside your ear yeah just came to me that's really really good stuff that

is good isn't it and what about just a taste of corn balls is delightful as champagne you can feel his quirky outlook fizzing up your brain because that's sort of you in a nutshell in a way isn't it because you've got quite a quirky outlet you know i have to admit it but yes i do i like to look askance on the day's news i know a sideways look on the day's news yeah it's something i like to do i don't like to look at it head on no so it's all there and all of it just came to me it was as if i was being given an early christmas gift by creative masterclass santa pressure on me for the doodle story though yes brother yeah like the song's gonna be formally withdrawn yeah depending on the end of the doodle story because at the end of last year's podcast you conveyed about one extra line of the Doodle story with Tom Cruise. I think a word.

And then there was some what appeared to be genuinely furious messages. Yeah, there was some really probably angry people. Yeah. So we just have to wait and see. Just have to listen along and see what happens at the end of the podcast. Because there have been major developments, right? There have, yeah. Early this year.

We'll say no more. We'll just tease it. Man, that was a wonderful gift. Can I say thank you very, very much to the Staves for doing that? I'll treasure it forever. Yeah. And I particularly appreciate the fact that all the lyrics Adam wrote for you reflect your opinions too. As expressed in the sincerity of your singing voices.

I would like to thank the Staves too. Emily, Jessica and Camilla, thank you so much. Oh, what were you going to say? I say I'll be over on Monday to hang out with you guys because you clearly really dig me. Oh, they said to say they're actually away. Well, I don't mind. I can wait. I'll be waiting. They're away for. Well, I don't mind. I can wait. I'll be waiting.

They're away for a while, quite a while. Oh, I can wait because I've really never had anybody sing a song for me expressing so much adulation. Also, they're all married. They all recently got married to quite violent...

But marriage, what does it mean these days? Quite violent criminals. Like the criminals aren't violent with them, but they are very jealous got married to quite violent marriage what does it mean these days quite violent criminals like the criminals aren't violent with them but they are very jealous and they kill people like you but clearly listening to the song i think the staves would be on my side and they'd defend me and they're gonna know the ins and outs of what they're violent criminal. They're going to know their weaknesses, their habits.

How much further are we going to go with this? They'll know where they keep their weapons and they'll know the trigger words that could send them into like a psychotic trance. It feels like one of us has to kind of give in. Who's going to be the one that gives in and just stop doing the fantasy about you going around to see the staves? Songs. We'll live on an

island with them singing songs about me. Alright, is that the end of the you're going to see the staves fantasy? Listen, if we were still on the radio together, that would have lasted seven or eight hours. Now that you do an authoritative podcast you've cut it short now that i am the master of concision but um links in the description

of the podcast to a beautiful staves playlist for those of you who are new to the world of the staves check it out they're so good and there's a a great Spotify playlist which contains tracks as well from their excellent new album, Good Woman. Now it just feels like you've done some sort of deal with them. I know, it does sound like that. And I apologise because they didn't ask me to say all this. I just thought it would be polite. Yeah, but I'm starting to wonder whether they meant what they sang. If I'm going out then I wear a mask.

With my friends and family I wear a mask. Having sexual, then I wear a mask. With my friends and family, I wear a mask. Having sexual intercourse, I wear a mask. And when I'm on my own, I also wear a mask. I have to wear a mask because I am toxic. Terrible things are spilling out of me. I also wear a mask because you are toxic. A tiny bit of you could be deadly. Mask, mask, put on your mask if you care about the human race. Mask, mask, always wear a mask, cover up your frightening deadly face. OK, I'm going to give you a gift. It comes in the form of a quiz. Oh. It's just a quiz I'm going to read to you.

Do it. OK, so this is my quiz. It's a very short quiz and it's very stupid. Which of the following media developments would you most like to keep hold of once the pandemic has ended oh great quiz thanks a lot number one tv studio audiences made up of multiple faces on flat screen tvs with strange tinny slightly delayed laughter and applause okay do you want me to go through them all before you make your choices yeah number two no studio audiences, just crew members, producers and floor managers laughing extra loudly from behind the cameras. Zoo style. You can see that in particular on Jimmy Fallon's show.

And if you want to see number one, TV studio audiences made up of multiple faces on flat screen TVs in action, then I think Ellen DeGeneres is doing it. And I think they did it on the Royal Variety performance a few weeks ago. There was like a whole fake theatre of TV screens, people on TV screens. They did do that. It was really crazy. Yeah, I'm not going to miss that when it goes away. And I want it to stop as soon as possible. All of that.

OK, I've got three more. Number three, all interviewees appearing via low-quality video feeds from their houses with their recently published books prominently displayed on the shelves behind them. I've done that myself. I haven't been on any TV shows, but I have made a few podcast appearances, and I spent at least half an hour arranging the background beforehand to include a copy of Ramble book and also to include a couple of other books that made me look cleverer right what turning some of them so the covers face

forward like it was a shop display yeah like i sort of arranged them as if i hadn't deliberately placed them there like oh yeah i was just reading a bit of byard rustin and i just left it on the shelf there. And oh, yes, my Montaigne book. I left the complete What a knob. Number four, guests in chat shows sitting a very long way apart. Hate that. I think that might be the most depressing thing. I would rather people weren't in the same room. Graham Norton, which is a show that i normally enjoy his chat show seeing them all spread apart just made me so sad it's odd isn't it see they did a jonathan ross's show came back the other night and they did it on that as well they do a thing on this no not this morning on good morning with ben shepherd stroke piers morgan and susannah reed wait ben shepherd's

been stroking piers morgan they do a thing where they're split screen you know they split screen them but they put them on as if they're sitting shoulder to shoulder right yeah and they kind of got a i think i'm right in saying they've got a christmas tree but they've obviously put two christmas trees one behind each presenter but they're identical christmas trees so that when they do the split screen the left half of one christmas tree and the right half of the other join together to create what looks like one christmas tree between them do you get what i mean like a mad magazine fold-in exactly but it's quite disturbing because they'll be chatting along then one of them will raise an arm and the arm will just sort of weirdly vanish into

the middle of the christmas tree but i thought good on you for trying you know at least it looks like normality one thing i'm surprised that no one seems to have done is more kind of trick photography although i would imagine that would screw around with the size of the guests but you know what i mean like when they did elf yeah they had a lot of funny foreshortening and trick photography like lord of the rings style yeah to make will ferrell look much bigger how would that help so what you'd have two people who were sitting apart from each other but then you'd shoot sort of you'd shoot it at an angle so that they look as if they're much closer yeah but one of them would inevitably look much bigger because one of them would be closer to the camera. Yeah, but you get the big guests to go at the back.

So they all end up looking at the same size. So you do it depending on the size of the guest. Yeah, you have to. That would be the new booking policy. Or you like dress Jonathan Ross as Gandalf and he's just much bigger than all of his guests. Anything is better than just having everyone scattered around. It's just depressing. But you see, if they don't make it clear

they're obeying the rules then people get uppity don't they they do yeah yeah yeah they've got to put captions on saying you know this was filmed before the thingy or like i saw a children's tv quiz show called the dog ate my homework the other day and that had a caption that came up saying something along the lines of studio audience response from previous show so they'd actually used shots of an audience and their laughter from a pre-pandemic show and intercut them and use the audio over a post-pandemic recording right which is a lot for a child viewer to get their heads around but maybe the producers thought well kids won't understand what we're doing adults will and then the show will just look like it's normal yeah joy imported from a happier age yeah that's what they should have put do you want number five i want loads

mate interviewers in the street standing a long way away from their interviewees while holding a mic on the end of a very very long stick so that's your five the question is which would you like to hang on to after the pandemic which of them do you think actually enhance the viewing experience or the show that you're watching number one studio audience made up of faces on tv no number two no studio audience at all just crew members laughing from behind the camera extra loud no number three all interview is appearing No. I mean, I don't mind that. I think it's sort of occasionally entertaining to see in people's houses. You're right.

It is entertaining. That's the best one. And also there's the famous bits where their kiddies come into the shots. That's right. They had a guy on Newsnight the other night, some Tory councillor who was talking about the restrictions in the tier system. And all I could think about was look at the size of the guy's printer. He had a monolithic printer behind him that was just dwarfing him completely. It was incredible. I was like, what are you printing? You got a whole

magazine being printed from that thing presumably some famous people go the other way right yeah i mean you can see people who've done that you can see people filming themselves against a blank wall or something yeah i mean sometimes the visual aspect of it is pretty tragic because some people are using slightly older laptops so the webcams and the microphones are really not up to the job and so you're getting this kind of anti-diluvian tech that was worse than anything in the 50s ever was like a remote link up to the moon in 1969 was better than some of the uh stuff you're getting on the uh news programs these days jay call opinion adam we really value it on this show thanks a lot for coming on would you come back on monday and uh talk about pet passports

yes please long time listener first time caller thanks very much adam Adam in Norwich. It's just coming up to 4.30. Here's the Traffic and Travel with Cynthia Poopypants. And so what was the last one? The last ones were number four, guests in chat shows sitting a very long way apart. Yeah, hate it.

You expressed your revulsion of that. Number five, interviewers in the street standing a long way away from their interviewees while holding a mic on the end of a very long way apart yeah you expressed your revulsion of that number five interviewers in the street standing a long way away from their interviewees while holding a mic on the end of a very long stick i think they should keep doing that i agree i like that just because there's slapstick possibilities you know exactly don't get rid of that keep that you got to keep that well thanks for taking my quiz that's the end of my quiz can you think of any others how about are you going to be sad when they no longer have adverts that talk about difficult times yeah that are like it hasn't been easy these last few months homeschooling those kids finally learning to cook more than just fish fingers piling on the pounds

trying to take them off again with those internet workout videos. This advert knows my life. It knows who I am and what I feel. Finding out what's really important. Yes. Gran really appreciated that picture you and the kids drew of her that you put on your Instagram page. At least once you'd finally explained what Instagram was.

Gran. And when was the last time you got to sit down with all the kids and watch their favourite superhero film? But you know what the funny thing is? You're the superhero. Oh, whatever they're selling me, I'm going to buy it. Obviously, you're not as big a superhero as the frontline workers. No-one's saying that.

They're the real heroes. But still, you're so amazing and we're so proud of you that for the next six to eight months, we have slashed prices on quad bikes let's all buy quad bikes because you're a hero and you deserve a quad bike please get one this sounds unsympathetic to people in the quad bike business and i don't mean to be you're right i will not miss those um adverts why don't you get the staves to write a song about that one? You're listening to the Adam Buxton podcast.

Listen when you want. Unlike a radio podcast. Listen on the train now. On an aeroplane now. Listen in a tractor. Form of transport's not a factor. I love you. Listen on the train now. On an aeroplane now. Listen in a tractor. Form of transport's not a factor. Listen on a first date. With another primate.

Listen when you're jogging. Straight to your noggin. You're listening to The Adam Buxton Podcast. If you don't like it Then marry you someday So you emailed me a few weeks before this podcast I'm going to find the email from Adam Buxton

Okay, so here's the email you sent to me Hey man Good start Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Possible idea Colon Something about dreams How do you feel about doing a song i confess this is because i was already thinking of doing a very short song about a dream literally a 60 second thing so that's all i had to go on yeah something about dreams and the subject of dreams makes me nervous because famously there's something you're not you know those stupid sort of dinner party

rules people sometimes come up with like stuff not to say because it's boring and like talking about your dreams is one of the classic things that's always much much much more interesting to you than it is to other people that's right but then i thought occasionally i write down dreams like when i have a really really powerful dream i write them down so i went back to look at my dreams and i have had a couple of corkers so i thought maybe it would be good so i wrote a song based on a couple of my dreams but what were you thinking of what was your angle on this very similar i mean i remember towards the beginning of the first lockdown in this year of 2020 a few people i heard talking about the fact that their dreams had become very vivid after the domestic routine had really taken hold three weeks into the lockdown or something.

I heard a lot of people saying, are you getting mad dreams? Because I really am. Uncertainty and anxiety about the situation combined with maybe, I don't know, excess alcohol intake or whatever it might be. But a lot of people, for whatever reason, were experiencing strange dreams. And one of the ones that I woke up from was a real old school anxiety dream that I hadn't had for years and years. So for this one, I went to my computer. Sometimes I will create a jingle or a song using just a bit of library music and I'll extemporise

over the top. This was not one of those occasions. This was one of the rare occasions where I actually constructed the track myself and I played all the synthesizers. What are you hoping to gain by telling us this? Sympathy? Respect, I suppose. Maybe this is a good opportunity to thank Native Instruments,

who supplied me with some VSTs this year, and I said that I would give them a shout-out. Anyway, check out the amazing range of VST instruments from Native Instruments. I endorse them. I'm not sure if that was one of them on the track plugging in this christmas podcast yeah that's what christmas is about we've had the staves we've had coke zero and now we've got vst synthesizers that's a traditional things are changing plug fest plug fest so do you want me to go first? Sure. This song was about a dream I had in which we were putting on a play.

And I write about the play in my book, in Ramble Book. It was a production of Bugsy Malone. We really went to town on it. I was playing Fat Sam or Big Bone Sam, as I preferred to identify, because I didn't particularly relish the fat shaming that was going on when you cast me. Hey, the fat shaming is in the text. Anyway, it turned out to be fun and it was such an incredibly memorable and joyous experience, very intense experience. So I dream about it still. And this is the song that came out of that.

Oh, I had a dream I was back at school Putting on a play with my friends It was the opening night But I did not know my lines We had spent months and months Painting sets and making costumes And posters for the play But we had not rehearsed the play. I didn't know what I was supposed to say.

And yet the rest of the cast knew all of their words and their moves and the songs in the play. And they were shaking their heads as the curtain went up and I was still asking what I should say. And suddenly I knew what to do. I sat on stage and did a poo. Is that what happened in the dream? Yeah.

Did you wake up at that point or did the dream continue after you made your deposit on the stage no i woke up i think with a tremendous scuff was it like a nightmare on old street and you bought the poo from the dream into reality no no i'm glad to say anyway so did that take you back i thought that was terrific i mean I like the simplicity of the song. It was really telling the story in a very direct way. And it had a surprised ending that I like very much. Do you want to hear mine? Yes, please.

So like I said, when I have a particularly crazy dream, I grab my laptop and type it in. So I've got quite a few here, but I've whittled it down to the sexiest ones because christmas is an erotic time of course it is and i feel that i feel that listeners might want a little bit of um something to warm their cockles and you know put a bit of shine on their baubles a bit of sparkle so anyway erotic dreams so here's one titled erotic kylie monogue dream last night i dreamt i convinced kylie monogue and nick cave that i was a feral child and to adopt me i lived in their house in burlap pajamas reading the new york review of books with crooked fingers as if i was just looking at the pictures and grunting and flailing about i'm pretending i'm a feral child

but they don't know i'm not. That's very specific. When they go out to see a movie, I drop the act, lie on their sofa and watch TV. When they come back, I go feral again. Kylie takes pity on me. She lies on her side, unbuttons her shirt and breastfeeds me. Whoa. Hang on a second. Merry Christmas and everything.

But where did that... Because I just had a baby there was a lot of breastfeeding going on in the house right okay i didn't realize you were so heavily invested in the lore of kylie and nick cave well i'd watch that nick cave movie what is it called once more with feeling the 3d black and white one which is incredibly good and i'd watched it in 3d and it obviously just you know that's what dreams do don't they they take the sort of um lucky dip of your recent experiences or past experiences and then just assemble something from randomly grabbed bits right it's a little bit of an impression remix isn't it yeah with a little peppering of your weird psychoses or neuroses over desires

yeah slash desires who wouldn't want to be breastfed by Kylie? So that was one, and then another one was more homoerotic. The title is Homoerotic George Michael and Matt Goss Dream. Tonight I dreamt about George Michael and Andrew Ridgely at the height of their 80s fame, hanging out on a

street corner in London with Bross at the height of their fame. Obviously, in reality, their fame wasn't concurrent the height of their fame obviously in reality their fame wasn't concurrent but the dream converged their moments of fame in the dream their career peaks were concurrent george is secretly gay and fancies matt goss although no one knows it matt goss is a bit thick but very good looking and happy-go-lucky so george convinces him to try a fun trick where he says, now listen, Matt, did you know that if two people lie on top of each other

and rub their bodies together in a room where the lights are off, it can generate enough static electricity to make the lights go on? Is this something that someone told you in real life? No, it's just in the dream. Matt Goss agrees to try this but it doesn't work so george tells him they have to do it harder for longer where did that come from that must be based on real science though i mean that makes sense that has the ring of scientific truth i think if christopher nolan made a film based on that you would think yeah yeah yeah that sounds right the science sounds solid i was very excited by that dream i told

lots of people about it i texted a couple of friends about it the next day i'm not sure what they thought of me because it seemed like such a specific and sexy and unusual dream yeah so anyway so my song is about those two dreams yeah oh man so what i was going for here was i thought like well what are the classic dream songs mr sandman right who's that by um it's a female acapella the cordettes right so i'm trying to kind of do a sound alike of that i was going for a sort of flying pickets acapella kind of vibe you ready yeah okay is it too late for something to be christmas number one because flying pickets was christmas number one wasn't it is it too late no it's not too late let's get it to number one fingers crossed here we go i had a dream i was living with nick cave

and carly monogue i was a feral child she she was my sexy mama, next thing I know. She took off her shirt, popped out a boob, I swear this is true. She was feeding me breast milk, making me happy, it was lovely but cute. It was lovely but lewd My next dream was kinda homoerotic And it featured Matt Goss George Michael was trying to have it away With the lead singer of Brass Matt didn't know George was gay

But George got his way with an electrical line. He said it might sound silly, but if we rub our willies, we can make the light shine. I don't know what these dreams mean, but if I had to guess, I would say that perhaps. I would say that perhaps I've got personal problems Deep down in my brain That come out during naps But I really don't mind Cause whenever it's time

To drift off to sleep I know that I'll be Totally free to be dementedly me. A good bit sincere at the end there. Yes. The only place that you can be yourself is in your unconscious mind. It's tragic but true. being forced down there to maintain a public face a veneer of what you consider to be or what society has told you is acceptable where else would george michael and matt goss rub their

bodies together to try and create enough static to make a light bulb glow in a music video but in my dreams and in your dreams well that i mean that is definitely that's got christmas number one written all over it you know it's they're weird dreams but both have a sort of um warmth to them definitely the maternal glow of a mother feeding a middle-aged man pretending to be a feral child and two of britain's most valued heartthrobs demonstrating furiously frotting in order to create enough energy to power a light source. Merry Christmas. The holiday horn, it goes do-do-do. Holiday time.

Have a carrot, have two carrots. Go to the toilet, take your time. Holiday time. Do you want another gift from me? Yes, please. So it's been a banner year for Buckles, I think. Do you want another gift from me? Yes, please. So it's been a banner year for Buckles, I think. Do you reckon? It's been a big year for you.

Yeah, the launch of Ramble Book. Yeah, but it was a little bit muted. I mean, there's been the pandemic and... Yeah, but it was a smash. And there was a Buckles Media Blitz mid-year, wasn't there? It felt to me... I mean, maybe I'm extra sensitive because I keep my eyes out. But it felt to me like you were all over the media. You were book of the week on Radio 4.

That was a big deal. That's a big deal. That was overground. That resulted in people I hadn't heard from for many, many years getting in touch and saying, hey, I heard your book. It was nice. I very much enjoyed hearing a chapter about our school days. Oh, yeah.

On Radio 4 at lunchtime while I was making the tea. I thought maybe they would just focus on the stuff about your dad. But I'm pleased they put in a J-Con chapter. Yeah, definitely. No, they had to have a J-Con chapter. That was an important stipulation. So, yeah, big year. But one of the things I really enjoyed was your interview with a very very good dj on five live called nihal whose show i've been on who does quite in-depth interviews with people

oh yes nihal arthur nayaka i think is how you pronounce his name and yeah radio five and he used to be he was a rapper he was in collapsed lungs really yeah they had a hit with eat my gold you remember that i do yeah he's really good he does a very very good show as i say i went on it myself but sometimes when you've got a full day of press and you turn up at something like that you're not quite sure to expect like i remember taking me by surprise how in-depth it was and how knowledgeable he was yeah how serious he took me in a really nice way but he did the same with you he really went deep and he talked about you know it was quite emotional talking about your dad and your career

and stuff like that right do you remember it being quite a profound interview yeah I mean I'd heard him before and I liked him otherwise I wouldn't have agreed to do it but it was the middle of the afternoon and I did think like oh well this but it was the middle of the afternoon and i did think like oh well this is going to be sort of knockabout and it'll probably be five minutes of just it was live right it was live yeah and you dial in and i did it uh remotely obviously and he went in fairly quickly within the first couple of minutes to talking about my relationship with my dad and how i dealt with the grief of losing him and all this kind of stuff.

And it was like, whoa, I had to really scramble to recalibrate. Yes. It was good. It was a good conversation. But it made me laugh at the end because he just said something at the end that made me laugh and your reaction to it made me laugh. Here's a clip of it. Considering how many podcasts there are out there

and the fact that yours is the 49th most popular in the UK, I mean, that's an extraordinary testament to how good you are at what you do. 49th? Don't worry, I'll move up, I'm sure. But, you know, considering how many hundreds of thousands, because everyone's got a podcast, haven't they? Everyone's got a podcast. I know, I've got a couple of them.

And they're certainly not the 49th most popular in the UK. Yours is. So he's obviously being nice. he's a really nice guy he's being nice but i think as far as i know the way the podcast charts work the thing that's got the most new listeners each week is at number one that's how they measure it so you're as far as i'm concerned i think i'm right in saying your podcast is sometimes number one has been in the not that you care but for the sake of this it's quite high up the charts and 49th is not a correct representation of how popular it is that's what i thought when i heard that that's exactly what i thought when i heard that well the way you

react is funny because you suddenly become your dad and then you become aware that you you become aware that you reacted quite strongly and then you can hear yourself in the background going uh i was joking you say under your breath i know you are absolutely correct you know my mind my squirmy mind but listen i don't want to make a big thing out of it what i want to make of it is a jingle for you so i made a jingle for you here we are considering how many podcasts there are out there and the fact that yours is the 49th. 49th. 49th. 49th.

49th. 49th. 49th. 49th. 49th. 49th. 49th. 49th. 49th.

49th. 49th. 49th. 49th. Don't worry, I'll move up. 49th. 49th. 49th.

49th. 49th. 49th. 49th. Everyone's got a podcast. 49th. 49th. 49th. 49th. 49th. 49th. 49th. Everyone's got a podcast. 49th. 49th. 49th.

49th. 49th. 49th. 49th. That's an extraordinary testament to how good you are at what you do. 49th. It's not an extraordinary testament to how good you are at what you do to be 49th. I mean, it's just never a good number

and of course in his mind he's thinking like yeah but if you think about the thousands of podcasts available no he's a brilliant dj but i don't know what he's saying there yeah it feels like he's damning you with faint praise i know in that moment you know how like your brain short circuits your insecurities take hold in those pressured moments i think i sort of thought like is he taking the piss 49 is not a good number i mean of course it is in the scheme of things there are thousands of podcasts out there no it's not a question of modesty it's a question of facts right and i look at those charts and you're usually top 10 i mean i have at least top 20 material yeah but they work as i say on on the amount of new listeners something gets which keep but anyway i thought that made me laugh and there's a certain amount of pleasure i take in uh hearing you humiliated

what goes on in this town, J. Korn, has traditionally been associated with a few festive figures, apart from Santa. Can you name the main ones of those festive UK figures? Correct, first on the list, yes. The two Ronnies. No, Morecambe and common wise with their christmas specials that get repeated ad nauseum try and get a bit more up to date stay telly but get a bit more

up to date oh i don't know i don't watch telly at christmas go on tell me mrs brown okay fair enough. Idris Elba doing the Sky ads. Yes. Jimmy Carr, obviously. Obviously. But the big one, the big perennial figure, apart from Santa, associated with Christmas, year upon year, for time immemorial, is... The Queen. A Lara, Lara Queen. A match. How much longer, however, at this point, we have to consider, will the Queen be part of our lives?

A lot longer, Adam. I hope so. I mean, she'll always be part of our lives. I mean, the thing is that apart from the fact that she is now 94, she and the rest of the royal family are in the process of trying to withstand an unprecedented i'm going to use that word assault in the form of the tv series the crown have you seen any of the fourth series of the crown i have seen a little bit of it yeah what do you make of it well i like the scene where princess diana was dressed as the little sort of shakespearean midsummer night's

dream fawn okay that was fairly early on in the season i've only seen the first episode not because i don't want to see it just pressure of time and she's sort of hoppity-skippeting behind plant pots in the lobby of a very massive house and a young prince charles my wife loves the crown that's changed that's strange it's not robotic anymore that was more it was a little strangled yeah it was my wife loves the crown it's like a man who lives in the air conditioning system whose wife's divorced him like he snuck back into the house yeah he lives in the air and he's just looking at her at the end of a steel tunnel playing tv she used to be his wife anyway so when i'm not doing that we are watching the crown and for anyone who has successfully managed to avoid the whole thing congratulations

but let me tell you that it is a biographical series that has stirred up quite a bit of controversy for playing pretty fast and loose with the actual facts of history and peter morgan who has written i think every episode yes confessed basically, yeah, I made quite a bit of it up. But, I mean, it's true in spirit. He's saying, yes, it's based on actual things that happened in history, but, yeah, we've monkeyed around with the chronology and sometimes with the actual facts of how things happened.

But the spirit is true. And we've stuck to that, as if you can measure that. So it's weird watching it because especially for someone who grew up in the 80s there's all these incidents that i remember very clearly absorbing via the news but not really caring about at the time and not really being fully aware of you know it was just you couldn't really avoid them so most of these stories pop up in one way or another in the crown however for someone like you jay corn who hasn't watched the whole thing i thought it would be a good opportunity to give you a little quiz and so what i've done is come up with three crown style historical scenarios featuring prominent members of the royal family a lot of queen

charles diana and prince philip and these are based on historical cultural moments from the 80s but the question is were they in the crown and second question did they really happen at all yeah okay yeah so were they dramatized in the crown were they dramatized in the crown yeah this is good and did they happen how many are there three okay now the question is do you think i need to explain the impression of the queen that i do no okay are you sure yeah i think it's, A, the explanation would be so convoluted and drain all the humour out of it. That's what I would caution against.

And B, you know, just deal with it. All right. Here we go. This is scene one from Buckle's version of The Crown. All right, Princess Diana, you've got to go to a Laura, Laura glamorous premiere tonight and it's a full of film splash. It's directed by Ron Howard from Happy Days.

And it's got a Laura Darren Hannah in it as a mermaid. Sounds crap, but you've got to go. I don't mind. I like pop culture because I'm nice and normal. Not a horrible posh monster like you. Well, you're quite posh yourself. A Laura Laura blindedator. Is Prince Charles coming to the premiere of Splash?

No, sorry, I'm Prince Philip. Charles can't come to the premiere of Splash. He's having his affair tonight with Camilla. Well, maybe if there's someone really nice in Splash, I'll meet them at the premiere and we'll become friends.

Hello, I'm Michael Burke, and this is a fake 80s news report from the premiere of Splash where Princess Diana is saying hello to the cast. Hello. Hi. I thought you're very good in the film Splash. Thank you. What's your name? I'm Tom Hanks, Princess Diana. I'm just about to become a big star. Wow, that's great. You seem really nice. I am really nice. I'm Tom Hanks. I'm one of the nicest guys in the world. Oh, will you become one of my closest showbiz friends? Yeah, sure. That would be great.

There's a snake in my boot. Oh. There we go. That's the end of that first scenario. I want to know what happens next with the snake. Of course. So the two questions you have to answer are, was that event featured in The Crown?

No. Correct. We did not see Princess Diana going to the premiere of splash in 1984 did she go to the premiere of splash oh but that's the next question did it happen yeah did it happen of course it did i bet you she did incorrect is that true she did not go to the premiere of splash of course she didn't go to the premiere of Splat. Why not? It's a big movie. It's a big hit. It was a surprise hit.

By the time it came to the UK, it was a big hit. It wasn't a royal premiere big hit. It could have been. No. There's a six-month delay between the US and UK releases. However, she did attend a premiere of a Ron Howard film where she did meet Tom Hanks. And it was nearly ten years later in the 90s uh Apollo 14 13 probably correct it was Apollo 13 that's where as far as I'm aware that's where she first met Tom Hanks anyway here is scenario number two and this is Saturday the 13th of July, 1985, Wembley Stadium.

Oh, I know that date. Yep, and here we join one of the big bands who were performing at the venue that day as they come off stage. Whoa, yeah, well done John and Roger and the other two guys. That was a cool live aid set we just did. Hello. Hi. You're Simon Le Bon, aren't you? From Duran Duran.

Yes, I am Simon Le Bon. That's right. Do you like our music? Yes, I do. I love it. Sometimes I skateboard round Buckingham Palace listening to it wearing leg warmers and deely boppers and it makes my family really angry because they're boring and uptight and I'm nice. Yes, you are nice. Quiet, you creep.

Diana, I'm Prince Charles. I think we should go. I want to carry on my affair with Camilla Parker Bowles and shoot an animal because I'm horrible. But Charles, it's time for the biggest act of the day. Hello, Laura, Laura Langvade. Are you ready for Queen? Laura. Laura.

Laura. Laura Lullybee. Laura Lullybee. Laura, Laura Lullybee for Blender Data. Laura, Laura Lullybee. Yeah, that's Queen Choco Blender Data. I don't want that to stop. I don't want that to stop. I don't want it to end.

I want to hear the whole set. Queen at Live Aid, of course. Of course. Anyway, would you like to tell me if that scene or any version of it was depicted in the crown? Well, it did happen. The Queen wasn't there, though. No, but Queen did perform at Live Aid and Diana was there. Queen performed at

live aid were there the queen didn't charles and diana were there duran duran were not there they were at jfk stadium in america thanks for correcting me on that that one the queen didn't actually perform you sounded grumpy when you said it as if uh but um and what's the second question did it happen in the well i don't know uh on the one hand live aid's been so thoroughly done by the movie the queen movie that maybe they wouldn't have trodden the same ground on the other hand it's such a culturally important event i'll'll say, yes, they did. No, they didn't. But I think they should have done. Can you imagine?

It would have been so fun. Because the whole fun of The Crown, I think, apart from the fact that people are interested and emotionally invested in Diana especially, but it has the power of the bad biopic. People love a bad biopic. Yeah. Listen, do they in the crown introduce themselves by their

names in every scene well here's another scene i mean yes is the answer yeah they do and that and that's very much easier to tell who everyone is yeah that's the genius of peter morgan yeah it's very useful shorthand for a biopic if you can't be absolutely certain that you can rely on the performance from the actor just pop in a line that says something like who they are and then job done yeah so here's the final clip this is a meeting between the queen and a certain Lady Prime Minister. Her Majesty the Queen will see you now, Mrs Thatcher. Thank you.

Hello, Your Majesty. How wonderful to see you, FO. I'm Margaret Thatcher, Scully. Oh, shut up in there, bloody Margaret Thatcher. Why don't you do a laura laura sanctions against the apartheid regime of South Africa? Bloody racist, innit? I know, but unfortunately, Your Majesty, it's just not that simple. I'm Margaret Thatcher!

Yeah, all right, all right, I'm Margaret Thatcher, Laura, Laura. You know, some people think I'm frosty and uncaring, but compared to you, Margaret Thatcher, I'm really nice and lullaby, innit? Well, I'm sorry you feel that way your majesty but the truth is out there and i'm oh no don't do that come on oh thank goodness that's good so that is a meeting between the queen and the premier at the time margaret thatcher played in the crown brilliantly by jillian anderson now there were some references to a previous role that jillian anderson played did you pick up on any of those i didn't really have to pick up on them because they were like

rammed into my face. It was more a question of peeling them off me than picking them up. Scrubbing them off. Scrubbing them off. With steel wool. But I appreciate how you're positioning this. Come on. So that, I mean, there's's been some controversy particularly around their portrayal of thatcher's meeting with the queen right i've read bits and bobs about it that apparently people

think it's not very accurate but i don't know the details so the first question is did that happen in the crown was it in the crown Was that scene portrayed in The Crown? Yes. Correct. Do you watch that sort of thing and think, this is a couple of jokes away from a comedy sketch? Do you mean, do I watch a show like The Crown? Yeah. Yeah, man.

Because it's actors doing impressions of famous people. Yeah. When Gillian Anderson first appears as Thatcher, I just laughed and laughed and laughed. She's made the decision to go really hard on the impression i find that with movies as well like the freddie mercury movie am i alone or does everyone sort of is that part of the enjoyment of stuff like that yeah i think it is yeah because i want to complete my thought about julian anderson it's a brilliant portrayal and it's a brilliant impression it's not such a big and mad impression that it prevents you from engaging with the character.

She's amazing. But it is big and you have to adjust. It's not like when Meryl Streep played Thatcher. She did something far more low key, I think. Yes. And that was clearly a decision that she made. But no,illian went the opposite way and it's tremendous hey look speaking of the royals as we speak a few days ago there was

a trailer that hit the media for a new podcast which is another threat to the high chart position of this one 49 and it is by harry and megan have you heard that podcast trailer i haven't heard it i read about it there was a piece in a newspaper that was sort of breaking it down saying that their trailer for their podcast sort of hits all the class there's basically a set of sort of cliches now for podcasts and the article was saying that there's sort of There's basically a set of sort of cliches now for podcasts. And the article was saying that there's sort of adheres to the cliche template to a ridiculous extent. I would say that's true.

I've done a version of the beginning part of the trailer just to give you an idea of what you're dealing with. Shall I start or do you want to start, Megan, because you're a beautiful lady? No, why don't you start? Because you have a sexy British accent like James Bond. Really? Oh, gosh. I mean, listen to that accent. I've never really had a compliment from a lovely, lovely woman before. Okay. Actually, just before we start, I think I've had a really good idea. Well, you know, these bits with us just talking like normal people before we start doing the trailer. Why don't we keep them in the trailer at the beginning? Sure.

Don't you think that would be quite fun? Yeah. Okay, let's do Harry's idea. And we should start. Yeah. Hi guys, I'm just a guy and I'm called Harry. And I'm the Duchess of Meghan. And one of the things that me and my husband always talk about is how much we love talking to other people

and saying things like, what do you do? And, oh, that's interesting. And then talking about ourselves. And that's what this project is all about. I'm not reading these words off a piece of paper. I'm just thinking them up with my head, then saying them like a guy would when he talked to you.

This has been a really hard year, but it's reminded us that people can be amazing, and those are the people we're going to be talking to on the podcast. And the first episode will be... A Christmas special! Harry, don't say the C word. Sorry. A holiday special! A lum-lum-lum-lum holiday, holiday, yum-yum-yum.

Aha, what is that? I'm just doing some bad singing, you know, like normal people do. And I thought we could keep it in the trailer like before. All right, I'll do some too. Ding, ding, ding, ding. Holiday, holiday, yum, yum, yum. I love podcasts, Megan. They're so informal.

So that's a kind of satirical takedown of the trailer that they've made. And large sections of it are accurate. I haven't heard the real trailer. It's like that. Is it really like that? Yeah, it's a lot like that. Oh, no. I mean, first of all, I want to know.

I'm not going to rehash all the things that everybody has said about this thing so far. I think, fine, good luck to them. Have fun. I'm sure they'll have access to some genuinely interesting people go for it but you know first louis who really doesn't need to do a podcast comes and just absolutely tramples all over my patch now it's harry and the duchess of megan they've got other things that they could do surely why do they need to come and jump about in my private playground it's one of the last surviving forms of media that's like pandemic proof exactly isn't it that's why lt jumped in because he couldn't do roving reporting

luthru yeah yeah anyway i'm being nudged out is what i'm saying i'm being progressively nudged out of the picture by some heavy hitters who do you think they will get on the podcast what kind of guests well i think they could get who would they get like maybe tim vine he'd be good he would be good i think it should just be you and richard herring take it in turns take it in turns with richard herring asking harry if he's ever sucked his own cock and asking megan if she would prefer a ham hand or an armpit that dispenses sun cream yeah i think that would be good. well it's that time, man.

Oh, I forgot about this. I thought we were just going to wrap things up. But of course, there's one outstanding thing. There is the outstanding thing. The doodle story. So the doodle story. So for people who might be new to this podcast, should we bring them up to speed on what the doodle story is? Yeah.

So this is a story I don't even remember i don't even remember five so i started telling a story about when i first met tom cruise i can't even remember how it came up well you had told me the story after it happened yes and it was a sort of mildly amusing story yeah and i think in the course of talking about you having gone on the set of the force awakens the new star wars film you've been invited there by jj abrams and that kind of name droppy hollywood chat made me think of your tom cruise doodle story and i said oh what was that thing that happened with you and tom cruise why did i not tell it all the way through the first time because you just suddenly went all weird and like oh i

don't think i should tell this story because i'm in the dream factory and when you're in the dream factory you're not supposed to tell tales i don't know what it was but you refused to tell the whole story right and anyway for the last five for the last five years i've been drip feeding the story and the story can you tell me let's hear the story from your perspective. What is the story? The story is you had been drafted in, you and Edgar Wright, to do some writing on Steven Spielberg's version of Tintin. Yes. And you were out in Los Angeles having a meeting with Spielberg.

Yes. Peter Jackson was either in the room or on a conference call or not involved at all. Yeah. Simon Pegg was in the room. Nick Frost was in the room. They were both doing voices in the movie. That's all debatable. Nick being in the room is debatable.

All right. Nick being in the room is debatable. All these facts are wobbly. You are scribbling away doodling on a notepad i'm drawing a picture i'm going to take the reins i'm drawing a picture of snowy and i haven't completed his front left leg and tom cruise comes in says hello to everybody sits down next to me the conversations drifting in other directions between spielberg and co tom turns to look at my drawing i'm drawing snowy the dog

he says uh is that your doodle i said yeah that's a good doodle he said thanks man and then he picks up the pen and goes can i doodle i said yeah sure go ahead so but instead of drawing a hoof he draws it's as if he suddenly doesn't trust me or where the doodle goes so he just draws a black square this is the sixth time a lot of people are hearing this story he loses confidence in the It's as if he suddenly doesn't trust me or where the doodle goes. So he just draws a black square. This is the sixth time a lot of people are hearing this story. He loses confidence in the who. He loses confidence in the who. This is my, I'm not sure that's what happened, but this is what I imagine. It's like a Bible story.

It's a timeless narrative that is handed on from generation to generation. Yeah, and it's like Chinese whispers. It changes each time. It's exaggerations and embellishments and he's maybe thinking man i've had no idea whether this hoof i'm drawing will turn into some massively extended drip fed story in a very popular top 49 podcast is probably what he's thinking yeah i wouldn't want that to happen he's thinking he's thinking no so instead of drawing a hoof he just draws a black square which can be seen on my instagram page mr joe cornish there you go you can see the actual doodle and then he holds up the piece of paper and he

turns to spielberg and sort of interrupts him and says hey steven i've given snowy a hoof and spielberg turns around and says to him, this is where it ended. Is that a story? And Spielberg says, oh, that's great, Tom. And that's the end of the story. Adam, hello. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Let's move on quickly.

I'm still processing. You know this story this is not i'd forgotten it and the thing is that with a punch line like that yeah no but it's not necessarily going to lodge in the memory for however long it's been 10 years since i first heard the story listen and then five years since you've been spinning it out full transparency the weakness of the punchline is one of the reasons I've been spinning it out to try and

delay the moment what kind of emotional turmoil did you ever like lie awake at night sweating thinking I'm going to be unmasked at some point at some point this will end and then I'm going to be dragged through the streets and dismembered no because luckily something else happened that takes the story into a whole new realm which is at the beginning of this year pre-lockdown adam and i were invited

to simon pegg's 50th birthday party on the 14th of february Valentine's Day. And warning, there is going to be all the name dropping. And I have to say, like, even before that party had happened, I'd spoken to Simon and said, look, I'm in a bind with this Tom Cruise story. The punchline is very, very weak. And I've stretched it out over five years. And last year, people were genuinely angry about it. So get me out of a hole. Get me in.

I want Tom to come on the podcast. And I need to discuss it with him. That's the only way out of the hole. Simon said, absolutely fine. Tom will be up for that. We'll arrange it. Come and visit the set of the new Mission Impossible film. Adam can come too.

We'll record a brilliant bit. It'll be hilarious. Then the pandemic hits, right? But before the pandemic, we get invited to the party. Right. So you're setting up stuff I didn't know. I didn't realise that it was a possibility that we might actually record with TC. So listeners, you must be made aware now that that did not happen. There's not a bit of audio of Tom Cruise talking about the doodle story that I'm not happen there's not a bit of audio of tom cruise talking about the doodle story that i'm gonna unveil at the end of this podcast sorry but no it could have happened but two things happened first simon's 50th party happened first

and adam and i both turned up at simon's 50th birthday party and lo and behold who was there well i'll tell you who was there before we get to the obvious guest of honor right i mean this is a star-studded party so as well as members of simon's friends and family we are looking at jj abrams jillian anderson aka mrs thatcher olivia coleman aka alora laura the queen bill bailey the comedian jeremy dyson mark gators from the league of gentlemen chris martin from coldplay joe wiley radio one radio two dj edgar wright henry cavill superman and co-star of mission impossible five six i don't know anyway you got a laura laura stars there right but it wasn't definite that tom cruise was going to turn up

but we were all saying like you think tom cruise will come sure enough fairly early on in the party the doors open and in comes tomcat and i was talking to joe facing away from the door and joe goes tom cruise tom cruise tom cruise't turn around, don't turn around, don't turn around. So I almost immediately turned around. And there he was. And it was quite crazy. I'm excited for you because I'm always rubbing it in your face that I've met him. Yes. And then I thought, this is an amazing moment.

Now Adam's going to get to experience what I'm so used to. I noticed that you didn't immediately go over and say, Hey, Tom! Nor did he do that with you. No, that's true. You were both playing it quite cool. Well, it was a very busy party. It was a busy party.

Anyway, none of us went over to Tom Cruise because even though Jay Korn had his amazing doodle story experience with him and may have had other experiences, I don't know. It wasn't appropriate in that moment. And the force field of the sheer celebrity around him was such that you just didn't feel able to pierce it. And it wasn't because he had a big entourage or was putting on airs or anything like that. He didn't have any entourage. No. It was just like, that is Tom Cruise. He's been in a lot of films.

But lots of people going up and talking to him. He's not an unapproachable person. He's famous for that. Even at premieres, he's famous for signing absolutely every single autograph and hanging around with people. I don't think he's unapproachable at all and in fact later in the evening you know the sort of very drunk person yeah that you get trapped with at a party i saw that guy too yeah well it was a woman i saw but several very drunk people were just literally pinning him not literally pinning him down but you know talking to him in such a way as i felt oh should i go and rescue him from that person? Just like you would any person at a party.

I noticed that happening too, but I also noticed that no one was rescuing him. I was thinking, man, that must be a nightmare. And that must be why he doesn't probably go to a lot of parties, I would imagine, if he's got any sense. But he was there for ages. Usually what happens with big stars turning up at a party is they go there, they get their picture taken, and then they're out as quick as possible. In my limited experience of megastar parties. But he was there for a good three, four hours or something.

But it was a very personal, private friends party, wasn't it? Yeah, it was. All these people are genuinely Simon's friends. That's right. It's not like the launch party for a new fragrance or something no it was a good good scene good vibe party with lots of friends that who some of whom happen to be um famous yeah and for that reason i didn't immediately start planning to invade the tom sphere well done i oh, well, there he is. Let him enjoy his party. I'm not going to go over and start being a dick. But later you did. Well, later on, I was at the bar

chatting to Kevin Eldon. And suddenly I feel two hands being laid on my two shoulders. And it is Simon Peggs. And he's saying, come with me. This is because I said to Simon, peg. And he's saying, come with me. This is because I said to Simon, hey, Simon, introduce Adam to Tom. You've got to get Adam to speak to Tom. Simon said, OK. And this is what happened. So he literally manhandled me over, marched me across the room. And I could see Joe and my wife over in the corner watching me and laughing. And I'm thinking, oh, man, here we go, here we go.

But it was too quick because I wasn't mentally prepared at all and I hadn't imagined that I would be saying anything to Tom Cruise. And suddenly, within a few seconds, I was standing right in front of him and he was there with a small group of people that included Edgar Wright was talking to him and Henry Superman Cavill and Christopher McQuarrie, who's the director of Mission Impossible 5 and the new movie. And they're just having a little chat. And suddenly Simon has maneuvered me right in front of him. And he says, this is Adam Buxton.

I think he said, this is the guy I told you about. Yes. and he says this is adam buxton i think he said this is the guy i told you about yes they told the story about you doodling on joe's notepad when we were doing tintin and they talked about it on their podcast and so he sort of set it up in that way and then i think he buggered off and suddenly i was just stood right in front of tom and Edgar was there and I could see Edgar. He was looking like, how's this going to go? What's Adam going to say? Is this going to be excruciatingly embarrassing or is this going to be fine? Anyway, suddenly I'm confronted by Tom Cruise.

He's the same height as me, by the way. And I'm looking into his Tom cruise eyes and his laser focus is boring right into my brain and he is doing his special connection tricks with me double handshake and he's giving me the megawatt smile saying hi good to meet you hi hi adam using my name and everything and i'm on and it's like what am i gonna say and i'll tell you over the next 25 years no i won't because i'm not insane and also there's no story that didn't stop me that didn't stop you but listen we have to learn from some of our previous historical crimes. And there's no way that I'm spinning this story out because it's really not that extraordinary.

But it was kind of a cool moment because there was so much computation going on in my mind and also in his. And it gave me a chilling insight into what his life must be like moment to moment. Because I could see him trying to calculate like, what is going on here? Who is this guy that Simon's just suddenly shoved in front of me? And so I started babbling about like, yes, Joe Cornish, he was working on Tintin and he apparently was doodling away on a pad.

You came over. And so I basically told the story again about like the doodle story and i could see him sort of his brow was furrowing a little bit he was looking at me looking a bit confused it was a very faint bit of confusion i could see him thinking like is this true is this guy telling me something true or is he taking the piss is this a prank i could see him running through all the possibilities and then at the end of my thing i could i sort of said do you remember that happening tom and he said yeah yeah i remember it really well and he sort of overreged it like and i knew like no you don't remember it but he dug in and he said yeah yeah sure i remember yeah yeah

and in a way that didn't invite any further inquiry on that subject he was humoring you i think he was humoring me but he was doing it in a very nice way but at that point i was just thinking wow this is crazy i'm in his tractor beam and I'm looking into the eyes of this guy that I've only ever seen on the big screen whose movies I've enjoyed, who is a strange, confusing figure of pop culture,

who, as we speak, is all over the newspapers for losing his temper on the set of Mission Impossible 7, who is a figure of sort of fascination, really. And one of those people

who, whether you like him or not, is a pivotal cultural figure and it's always weird to be in some in the physical space of one of those people you know what i mean you were starstruck that's the word i was looking for yeah and also it quickly became obvious that he's quite charming, you know, and his little techniques or natural charm, whatever you want to think of them as of making eye contact and not breaking it and using your name a lot and all that stuff. It really works and makes you feel sort of special. So what I did was I thought, OK, I don't really want to spend too much time here because it's too freaky and I don't really have anything to say. But what I do want to do is reassure him that I'm not here to take the piss or try and score points off him or humiliate him or embarrass him, really.

So what I did was I started enthusing genuinely about Mission Impossible 5, the Fallout one, with the helicopters and the big fight with fallout yeah fallout yeah and i started talking about how great i thought it was which i really did comfortable territory absolutely terrific yeah and i started enthusing about it and describing the scenes and sort of analyzing them in a very you know listeners the kind of way that i sometimes do in a very insightful articulate way that really makes you think about these things in in a way that you might never have done before and i could see that he liked it and chris mcquarrie the director liked it and i was saying things like you know it was so well directed chris mQuarrie, the director. What a great job you did, because sometimes with those big fight scenes, the action can get too crazy and hectic. It's hard to tell what's going on. A bad director won't handle those things well. But you just knew exactly what to do to show the audience where they were from moment to moment.

And it was so thrilling. You felt like you were there. And I thought I thought i was doing pretty well what do you reckon i think that's a very safe you were on very safe ground yeah i was massively licking their bums yeah it's kind of it's a good i'm disappointed you um didn't press him harder about the doodle story i just couldn't because he didn't remember it joe do you think yes i think do you think he possibly didn't remember who i am i think there's a chance i know chris mcquarry knows who i am yeah and i think tom does recognize me but i'm not sure i'm central to his world. I'm just saying it's a possibility. You're more central, of course, than I am.

You are right close in his orbit. Yeah. And listen, I know he loves your film. He did a special screening of Attack the Block for his friends. He did. That's true. Yes. He knows who you are in that respect.

But doodle story wise, I was getting nothing. And in the end, one of the things I did, because I had, I suddenly thought like, oh, I've got a genuine question for him, which was, how do you get insurance when you're doing all the stunts? And when you clearly injure yourself, there was that thing where he broke his foot. I was like, so I start asking him this question. Good question. there was that thing where he broke his foot i was like so i start asking him this question question i was like how do you i often think like how is it logistically possible for you to get insurance for the productions when you are so public about doing your own stunts and then when you get into a situation where you broke your foot didn't you during the production of the last film

and he says i shattered it so he was right close really intense and he's like no I didn't break it I shattered it he would be an amazing Blue Peter presenter don't you think him and Rebecca and Henry Cavill doing a big budget Blue Peter film yes don't you think like uh Abseiling would be Noakes he'd be Noaks cavill would be purvis rebecca ferguson would be valerie singleton valerie singleton cruise would zipline off the top of tower bridge and then like ruffle a dog's head people would love it i would love it i mean that's sort of what mission impossible movies are really in some ways they could do some makes in between the action sequences you know chase around paris then show you how to make a

fairy castle out of toilet rolls yeah anyway all this bants is probably cold comfort for a sizable proportion of the podcat listenership that are still reeling from the punch line of your five year tom cruise well thanks for helping me thanks for helping me out there by taking the reins and you're welcome telling an equally disappointing story about meeting tom cruise at a party but yes i'm trying to think of what else at least you got it over with faster than i did my only victory was it a victory i don't know what it was anyway to conclude I was talking to Tom and I felt like I'd made a couple of connections with him I'd licked his bum quite a lot

I think he liked it and I said the thing about you broke your foot I shattered it he said and then he told me a little bit more about how intense the fight with Henry Cavill in the urinals was and how they really hurt each other when they were

doing that scene and they were really punching and punching and it was great and then I just thought I don't think it's going to get better than this I'm just going to cut out and it's going to be kind of a novelty for him that will probably increase his respect for me and make him want to see me again if I just say all right i'm gonna go see you bye so i said hey listen tom thank you so much good to talk to you lovely to meet you shook his hand great to meet you adam he said and off i went that's not what i saw what i saw you following him around for the rest of the party desperately trying to talk to him following him out of the venue trying to get into his car being wrestled away from him by the security staff of the venue

then running down the motorway towards london in the rain after his car with my pants off throwing homemade cds of your podcast at him that's what i saw that was louis through hey tom cruise before you go i just wanted to tell you one more interesting thing i've still got my company teddy bear from when i was little what about you that's what i sleep with every night same. Makes me feel happy and reminds me of mummy and daddy. That's it! Yeah, we love teddies. No apologies.

No apologies. That's it! That's it! Teddies are the best! Hey Tom, you should see the film Paddington. I don't ever want to see it again! What about Christmas? Ever! Oh dear. I've seen it loads of times. It's heartwarming and ingenious. I watched the sequel several times, too.

Don't ever f***ing do it again! Okay. Is it understood? Why not give it one more go? We can watch it with Joe. If I see it again, you're f***ing gone. And so are you. I'm Margaret Thatcher!

Oh, no, stop! I'm Margaret Thatcher! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! You're gone. And you're gone! Wait, this is an advert for Squarespace. Every time I visit your website, I see success. Yes, success.

The way that you look at the world makes the world want to say yes. It looks very professional. I love browsing your videos and pics and I don't want to stop. your members area and spend in your shop these are the kinds of comments people will say about your website if you build it with squarespace just visit squarespace.com slash buxton for a free trial and when you're ready to launch because you will want to launch use the the offer code BUXTON to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. So put the smile of success on your face with Squarespace. Yes.

Continue. 49th! Yes. Continue. 14.9! Hey, welcome back, festive podcats. Wow, the doodle story has finally been laid to rest. Who knows what we're going to find to talk about in next year's Christmas podcast. Thanks very much to Simon Pegg for letting me talk about his party. And actually, more importantly, for inviting me to his party. It was really fun. Thanks, Simon.

So anyway, as I said, I'm going to keep it short because it is nearly dark out here on Christmas Eve, and very cold. My fingers are nearly falling off, even though I am wearing gloves. Hey, look, I don't normally do shout-outs on the podcast, but I did want to send particularly warm wishes to Romy, a podcat from Ireland. Romy lost her daughter, Hazel, this year,

and I just want to join Romy's boyfriend Chris who got in touch and all their family and friends who have rallied round this year as so many people have had to do in 2020 and say I'm sorry and just to send a lot of love. just to send a lot of love. I hope you're all right, Romy, from me and all the rest of the podcats, if I may speak for you all. I also wanted to send my love to my brother, Uncle Dave, and to my sister, Claire. I'll be missing them this Christmas very much.

They're locked down in London, especially as Mum and Dad aren't around this year. And I don't think they're going to be around next year either, to be honest. I'm pretty sure it's Boris's fault. Anyway, Claire and Dave, we'll get together soon and you are really going to love your presence, especially the song I've done about a dream I had where I breastfed Tom Cruise to stop him shouting at me. I think you'll find that one quite moving. A few thank yous before I go. I mean, there's so many people I feel like saying thank you to, who I have been thanking a little bit throughout the year, especially all of you who were so kind to me after my mum died. It really made a difference, especially this year when everything is so unsettling and crazy and scary anyway. Thanks. I appreciate it.

Thanks to all my guests this year. I'm sure Paul McCartney is going to be listening to this. Thanks, Paul. Really good to talk to you. You were much nicer than I expected. I mean, I already liked you, don't get me wrong, but I just found you inspiringly upbeat and optimistic, and I can't help feeling that's a valuable quality. Thank you so much to the Staves, who provided not only that song for Joe at very short notice, but also a lovely choral taffin-based jingle in the podcast as well. As I said, there are links in the description of the podcast to a great Spotify playlist with their beautiful music on it, which would be suitable, I think, for any festive get-together or don't-get-together.

Oh, it's really really really dark now there's just a crack of lighter sky over to the west where the sun set but other than that it is impenetrably dark cloud can't see the moon or anything oh so I'm gonna head back thanks very much indeed to Seamus Murphy Mitchell for all his work on the podcast this year and especially on this episode really appreciate it Seamus i would struggle without you here comes the freezing rain thanks very much indeed to Matt Lamont for his brilliant edit whizbottery throughout the year and especially on this episode. And Matt, let me tell you, has recently set up his own podcast company called PodMonkey.

If any of you podcats have a podcast that badly needs making, then get in touch. There is a link in the description of the podcast to the Podmonkey web page. Thanks to Helen Green for her beautiful artwork. Can I just say, this is the least clement it has ever been on one of my walks. Which sort of, I guess, is appropriate for this year, isn't it? But it is. Oh, man. but it is oh man it's so cold and it's so dark and it's so windy let's get out of this rose I hope the podcast will be returning

in uh March of 2020 late late March, early April, sometime around then. Until then, take care. Hey, do you want a freezing rainy hug? Of course you do. Hey. Whoa. Whoa. Whatever you do, don't forget, I love you. Bye! Like and subscribe. Please like and subscribe. Give me a little smile and a thumbs up.

Nice like a plant with a thumbs up. Give me a little smile and a thumbs up. Nice like a plant with a thumbs up. Like and subscribe. Like and subscribe. Like and subscribe. Like and subscribe. Give me a little smile and a thumbs up.

Give me a little smile and a thumbs up. Thank you. Bye.