THE ADAM BUXTON PODCAST - EP.217 - ADAM AND JOE LIVE @ ROYAL FESTIVAL HALL

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, how you doing, podcats? It's Adam Buxton here. You'll never guess where I am. On a farm track out in the East Anglian countryside, UK, Norfolk County. It's a beautiful evening. I wish you could see this. It's magical. It's one of those George Lucas Star Wars prequel sunset evenings. Oranges, peaches, pinks, mauves, washes of beautiful magical cloud as the sun sets. It's a few days before Christmas as I record this. I'm here with my best dog friend, Rosie. Whip it, poodle cross, in case you're interested. And she is bouncing.

Starting point is 00:00:52 I'm going to let her off the lead here because there's no one around. Rosie, hang on a second. Let's unclip you. There you go. She's in a great mood. Keen to come out for a walk. Haven't had that for a while. Maybe she's as jazzed by this magical sunset as I am. It really does feel like we're in a Hobbit film out here. I wish you could see it. It's crazy. We're walking past a Christmas tree field as well. So it couldn't be more festive. How are you doing, podcats?

Starting point is 00:01:25 I hope you're all right wherever you are, whoever you're with. Whether it's lots of people you really want to be with, some people you really don't want to be with, or no people, and just you. I hope you're okay. Oh, man, I'm going to take a picture of this sunset so you can see it

Starting point is 00:01:45 mate i'm gonna post that on my blog with the notes for this episode i've got a blog i've got a blog i've got a blog That is where you will find not only the notes for this episode and all the others, but other bits and pieces and a link to buy tickets for the 2024 live podcast shows. tickets for the 2024 live podcast shows. We have 10 dates lined up. I think there are going to be a few more from around May to June. I'll give you more details at the end of the podcast. But tickets are going to be on sale from the 29th of this month, December 2023. So get in there early. You'll find a link to my website in the description of today's special festive podcast.

Starting point is 00:02:52 Shut up, Buckles. Why didn't you play the opening theme song of the podcast? We went straight from the adverts into you on the crunchy track. What the hell's going on? Well, I'm mixing it up because it's festive time. Santa Party Zone. Non-denominational festive area. And this Christmas podcast is a special one because it was recorded in front of a live audience on December the 12th, 2023. It was a sold-out night at London's South Bank Centre, in the Royal Festival Hall, no less.

Starting point is 00:03:26 But, Buckles, we don't like change. And haven't you expressed reservations about live podcasts in the past? Well, yes. And I don't like change either. Ugh. Horrible stuff. But I do think you're going to enjoy this one. It's a record of a wonderful evening.

Starting point is 00:03:43 By some way, the biggest live show that me and Joe have ever done, one of the warmest audiences I've ever performed in front of, and we made sure this show that you're about to hear was stuffed with festive joy and nostalgic sprinkles. And let me tell you, my traditional festive guest, Joe Cornish, very much brought his A-game to this thing. He had created magnificent bespoke audio nuggets. There was a live performance of one of Joe's songs, a Song Wars classic, featuring my son, Frank, on guitar, 21 years old. Only started learning how to play the guitar in the lockdown. And my other son, Nat, who was away actually when we did the show, also contributed an original piano piece that he came

Starting point is 00:04:31 up with for my Song Wars song, because we had a new Song Wars battle for this show. So thank you, Nat. In addition, we also enjoyed a few of your made-up jokes and egg corns. And to round things off, there was a Royal Festival Hall appearance from Her Majesty. All this is coming your way. But before we continue, very briefly, I would like to just give a shout-out to a worthy cause, if you're one of those people who sometimes says to me, Buckles, it just feels wrong that I get all this incredible condensed nutritional audio joy from the podcast for free. Please, please can I send you some cash to make up for it?

Starting point is 00:05:18 Well, that's nice of you, but it's okay. The sponsors look after me. However, if you are in a position to part with some cash, it would be wonderful if you could donate to St. Mungo's. They are a charity working to end homelessness and rebuild lives. The ongoing cost of living crisis means homelessness is continuing to rise. The harsh reality is that the average life expectancy for people sleeping rough is 45 for men and 43 for women. St Mungo's frontline workers are out day and night, helping to bring people in off the streets. You can help make it someone's last night on the streets and their first night of a new life by making a donation to St. Mungo's this Christmas. If you're able and willing to donate, please visit mungos.org slash Buxton.

Starting point is 00:06:11 There's a link in the description. All right, I don't think I need to say anything else at this point. I'll be back at the end to twist your generosity nipples a little bit more. Is that a good Christmassy phrase? I apologize if it's not. a little bit more. Is that a good Christmassy phrase? I apologize if it's not. And to give you a bit more info about the live podcast shows in 2024 and a film that I appear in, documentary film and other odds and sods. But right now, here is myself and my son Frank performing a special live version of the podcast theme before bringing on Cornball's Cornish. Here we go. Just coming.

Starting point is 00:07:02 This is my son. Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy I added one more podcast to the giant podcast bin Now you have put that podcast out and started listening I took my microphone and found some human folk Then I recorded all the noises while we spoke My name is Adam Buxton, I'm a man I want you to enjoy this, that's so good to see you. My nepo baby, Frank. It's his first gig. Royal Festival Hall, not bad. Frank will be back later on. Right now, without further ado, let's get my guest on. the director of the films Attack the Block The Kid Who Would Be King The Netflix series Lockwood & Co The seminal DIY television

Starting point is 00:08:54 program The Adam & Joe Show And a classic sixth form production of Bugsy Malone starring Adam Buxton as plus size Sam It's Joe form production of Bugsy Malone starring Adam Buxton as Plus Size Sam. It's Joe Cornballs Cornish! Nice to be here though, the Royal Festival

Starting point is 00:09:18 Hall. I mean it's sad for the Royal Festival Hall. But it's really nice for us. And hopefully for you too. Has anybody been here recently to see anything else? Like any other kind of show? SpongeBob.

Starting point is 00:09:36 Yeah, we're dealing with the upper echelons of the artistic audience here. I came here to see Brian Eno a few weeks ago. That's good. I came to see... I realized the other day that I hadn't seen many classical concerts with a full orchestra, you know? I'd listened to them on recordings,

Starting point is 00:09:53 but never seen one live. So I came to see Mahler's Fifth here. Oh, that's my favorite of Mahler's. Yeah, yeah. As featured in Jared Leto's Gucci campaign. That's why I wanted to see it. I love Jared. So I came here and I sat about there,

Starting point is 00:10:13 stalls like maybe the 10th, 11th row back. And do you know who else was sitting in the middle about the fifth row back? Jeremy Hunt. You know what? He looks like one of the pathetic sharks from Viz. If you put him in a suit. And he

Starting point is 00:10:29 came in with this sort of beady front and centre look and just glided into his seat. And just stunk up the whole fucking thing. By just being there. Now I feel after all those years on BBC 6 Music, I still have an urge to say something for the sake of balance.

Starting point is 00:10:49 Like, now I feel like I have to badmouth some Labour politician who came in. Off you go. Keir Starmer. Good, well done. OK. Now, look, we have to do the Ramble Chat jingle Good Oh yeah As with all of these things

Starting point is 00:11:12 You're welcome to join in In fact, we'd prefer it if you did But this is a slightly different version of the Ramble Chat jingle This one is a soulful piano version That was sent in a few years back by Ben Cooper. So, Ben, if you're out there, I respect you and I'm grateful. And now... Adam.

Starting point is 00:11:32 Yeah. When you played me this earlier, I couldn't help thinking you were trying to steal the crown from the greatest jingle ever written. Just stylistically, I'm just saying it sounds very similar to the retro text The Nation. I'm just saying. See what you think, guys. You're triggering me! And you know, your podcast is very successful, but can it reach those heights? Listen as Adam tries to claw his way to those heights.

Starting point is 00:12:03 I honestly, I didn't think I would be triggered so early on. Ramble chat, a Christmas ramble chat. We'll focus first on this, then concentrate on that. Come on, let's chew the fat and have a ramble chat put your fluffy winter coat on and find your Santa hat come on Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, Buxton. I pressed that in the wrong place. I forgot that was on there. I did it just before we started. I thought that would be a funny joke about Farage. Is there such a

Starting point is 00:13:14 thing? I can't believe I spoiled the end of Ben Cooper's beautiful ramble chat piano version. That was beautiful. Thank you, Ben. Thank you, Ben. That was really good. That was pretty great, wasn't it? Yeah, but not as good as the retro text the nation jingle.

Starting point is 00:13:30 Do you want to just sing it? No, I couldn't possibly murder it. I used to listen to Adam and Joe But I listened to the podcast, not the live show I used to feel acute frustration Because I couldn't join podcast, not the live show. I used to feel a cute frustration because I couldn't join in with Text the Nation. But now my troubles have disappeared because Retro Text the Nation's here.

Starting point is 00:13:57 And now my letter might be read out instead of thrown in the bin. Stroke. Trash. Trash. Unforgotten about Whoa So, it's, you know, this is the first time we've done anything in a room this big together So, I thought, you know, I was thinking, like, what kind of person is going to come tonight?

Starting point is 00:14:22 Who's going to make the effort to be at this show? to find out we planted microphones and i hope you don't mind this but we planted a lot of microphones all around the foyer to pick up little bits of candid conversation between you as you came in and we've been working feverishly to select the most telling bits and play them back to you now so please if you recognize your voices in the snippets i'm about to play raise your hands after the snippets here's here's the first one well this is very exciting marjorie isn't it very exciting i'm very excited to excited to see Joe. He's by far the funniest of the two and terribly handsome and it's so rare he's

Starting point is 00:15:09 out in public. It's so very exciting. Yes, I agree. Joe is definitely the best of the two. Oh no, I've sat on the Rolos. Well, they just sounded sad. They sounded sad. Are you out there? If that was you,

Starting point is 00:15:29 you might have like a Rolo stain on your back pocket. No. So that was that one. And then this is the second one that we recorded. So what would you say your favourite Adam Buxton podcasts were, your favourite ever episodes? That's a good question, Billy. I have to do a bit of thinking. Mine would be probably definitely the ones with Joe,

Starting point is 00:15:47 the ones that remind me of the old Six Music days, the old ones. I don't know, there's just an inescapable chemistry that cannot be recaptured with the solo work. I would tend to agree, yes, I would tend to agree, Jeff Ronge. And these are just... These are random mics that have been placed in

Starting point is 00:16:07 the foyer. That was somebody called Jeff Ronge. Jeff Ronge. Jeff Ronge. If you just raise your hand, somebody pretend to be Jeff Ronge. Jeff Ronge. There are two people called Jeff Ronge. There's Jeff Ronge. Who would have thought it? It's a very popular name.

Starting point is 00:16:23 It's Swiss dish. 1965 was a big Jeff Ronge year. So would have thought it? It's a very popular name. It's Swiss Dish. 1965 was a big Jeff Ronj year. So look, you might have been thinking that those clips are a bit biased towards me, that I just selected the ones that made me sound good. No. Can I help you? Hello.

Starting point is 00:16:37 I bought... Oh, this is at the ticket office. Oh, yeah. Hello. I bought 500 tickets for the Adam Buxton Christmas podcast recording here today. I just discovered Joe Cornish was part of it, and I'd like my money back because he's a cock. That's just for balance. That was, I think that was my wife.

Starting point is 00:17:02 My wife. This is another one we recorded at the box office. Hello, I purchased this ticket for the Adam Buxton podcast on the understanding it was a popular top ten podcast and I've recently discovered it's actually the 49th most popular podcast which is almost not even top 50, so I would like my money back, please, thank you. 49th? which is almost not even top 50. So I would like my money back, please. Thank you. 14.9.

Starting point is 00:17:27 And then finally, there's one that's actually a little bit controversial. I don't know whether I should play it for legal reasons. I mean, if you did miss I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here this year, and you're missing Ant and Dec's very amusing links, then don't worry because we're doing this now. I mean, have a listen to this. The crow flies south for the winter. And in summer returns to her home.

Starting point is 00:17:56 You must be Helena. Hello, I'm Terry from Louis Theroux's office at the BBC. Hello, Terry. I've been told to come here in disguise and take notes. Is that right? That's right. Louis just wants to know how they do it. Obviously, they were in podcasting long before he was,

Starting point is 00:18:09 and a lot of the techniques that they innovated, he just simply doesn't know how to do. So he really wants to learn from them so he can gain the edge in his own podcast. He's very, very competitive, and obviously this subterfuge is finance with taxpayers' money. So for God's sake, stay covert. Don't let anybody know who you are or where you're from, OK? Yes, OK. What happens if I'm powerfully sexually attracted to Adam and or Joe and have a sort of espionage, torrid affair with Adam and or Joe

Starting point is 00:18:39 and switch allegiances? Well, that could very well happen, and if it did happen, Louis would have you killed again again, with taxpayers' money. This never happened. We never met. Good luck. Goodbye. Murdering people.

Starting point is 00:18:52 Very sad. Have you been watching his shows recently? I have, yeah. The only thing I'd say about Louis' show is they're sort of 80% about the guest and the other 20% about Louis' body. I mean, any excuse to take his shirt off, someone to tap his pecs, wouldn't you say? Yeah, but that's good. That's vulnerable.

Starting point is 00:19:17 No, that's what they call thirst trapping, isn't it? Isn't that what it's called? Someone used that phrase to me the other day. I don't know what it means. By the way, audience, I've bought my Switch and a novel in case things get boring. Really good. Anyone read that? What have you got?

Starting point is 00:19:38 Rachel Cusk, The Last Supper. Brilliant. Oh, yeah. Anyway. Well, you can have a read of that after this next bit I'm a funny person I often make up jokes My jokes are more amusing than those of other folks

Starting point is 00:19:54 When you hear my joke I think you'll find that you agree Come on, you're all invited to a made-up joke party It's made-up jokes time! Thank you very much to people who submitted bits and pieces for the podcast this year. Sincere apologies if we are not going to read yours out.

Starting point is 00:20:18 I read every single one. I laughed and laughed, except for some of the ones that were quite harshly critical of a couple of the episodes of the podcast that I did recently, which you sneaked in there. But these are some of the fun made up jokes. And I, if you don't mind, Joe, I'm going to kick us off with one from our friend, friend of the podcast, Garth Jennings. Woo! Garth Jennings. He went to Greece on holiday this year and he says on holiday in Greece this year I was prevented from practicing my martial arts. It was a Corfu Kung Fu curfew. I'll say that again. It was a Corfu Kung Fu curfew.

Starting point is 00:21:01 It was a Corfu Kung Fu curfew. Now, I ruined it. And it didn't get the laugh, because at first you were laughing. You thought, that is good, that is good. Then I ruined it, and then the laughter was a bit muted for the full punchline. So I'm going to do it one more time. Are you in... He directed the Sing films. Are you in Sing 1? I'm in Sing 1, but you time are you in are you in he directed the sing films are you

Starting point is 00:21:25 in sing one i'm in sing one but you wouldn't know are you in sing two definitely in sing yeah well you're not in sing three not gonna make it to sing three after that tippy toes okay so good a big laugh for garth garth's joke, no sing three for buckles. On holiday in Greece this year, I was prevented from practicing my martial arts. It was a Corfu Kung Fu curfew. Thanks, Garth. All right, this is quite a tortured one.

Starting point is 00:22:01 I like tortured ones. This is from Tim. I don't know how to pronounce this, B-R-O-U-G-H-T-O-N, Broughton. Broughton. Broughton? No, I said it right, Broughton. He's from Brisbane in Queensland.

Starting point is 00:22:14 It says, Dear Buckfast and Corndog, it is with great relish, he's put that in capital letters, so I'm going to say relish, that I submit my made-up joke to you, not just because it is an extraordinary linguistic feat, a phonetic gymnastic triumph, but also because I've been sitting on it for a couple of decades. That's right, since I conjured up the bad boy, I've been married, had a child, changed careers, and moved to Australia, all the while thinking that I really ought to send Adam and Joe my made-up joke for the Christmas special. Talk about putting way too much pressure on the joke.

Starting point is 00:22:48 Anyway, I should have done it in an Australian accent. What a lost opportunity. Oh, mate! Anyway, mate, enough preamble. Here goes. A cat went to the wildfowl hairdressers to get cornrows in her fur. A swan welcomed her on arrival. A goose did all the styling.

Starting point is 00:23:10 A heron swept the floor. At the end, a duck billed platypus. They're still thinking about it. They're still processing. That's it. Hope you still processing. That's it.

Starting point is 00:23:25 Hope you like it. Love you. Bye. Tim Broughton from Brisbane, Queensland. That's a good one, Tim. Beautiful joke, Tim. Thanks for sending that in. Terrific.

Starting point is 00:23:34 Lots to think about there. A lot to think about. Here's one from Gavin Hogg. Hello, Messrs Cornish and Buxton. This is one for you, Joe. Why did the lead singer of Prefab Sprout want to join Half Man, Half Biscuit? Because he was partly macaroon.

Starting point is 00:23:56 It's very niche, that one. It's very niche. The lead singer of Prefab Sprout is called Paddy Macaroon. So actually, it's a brilliant joke. You know... Half Man, Half Biscuit Paddy Macaloon. So actually it's a brilliant joke. You know... Half man, half biscuit, partly macaroon. I mean it is it works on a lot of levels. It does.

Starting point is 00:24:13 The thing about these made up jokes is the more you have to explain around them, the better they are. The better they are. You do one more. I will do one more. Okay. Dearest Adam Buxton and Joe Cornish I present to you for Christmas

Starting point is 00:24:30 Two jokes I made up myself as a child Neither of which got the audience they deserved In 90s Ipswich Pearls before swine Joke number one What did Marie Antoinette eat for breakfast? Rococo Pops Oh High end Number one, what did Marie Antoinette eat for breakfast? Rococo pops.

Starting point is 00:24:48 Oh, high end. What do you call a whale that swims in circles forever? Mobius dick. Am I saying that right? Yes. Yes, Mobius dick. It's just got them dots over the O. What are they called? Diuresis?

Starting point is 00:25:05 Not an umlaut. Umlaut? Is that an umlaut? Yes. Anyway. Ha! Exclamation mark. Lots of love, Claire.

Starting point is 00:25:12 All right. I don't know whether I should read this bit, because I think you just included it to blow your own trumpet, to polish your own buttocks. P.S. I was at Blue Dot, Brown Dot, as I now like to call it, for your Bowie Bug special, Adam. Yes.

Starting point is 00:25:24 Happy Christmas kiss from Claire. Thank you. Yeah, Blue Dot. Oh, my Lord. It was on the news, the Blue Dot Festival. Really? Because the rain was so extreme, it turned into just a river of mud,

Starting point is 00:25:38 and they had to stop people coming into the festival on the day that I was performing. Hmm. Coincidence? All right. Now, I would like to ask you, Joe Films Cornish, about your 2023 in film. Well, actually, it's not going to be that much. I was just going to ask you about some of the films you enjoyed this year.

Starting point is 00:26:01 Let me tell you that I enjoyed the film Blackberry. Have you seen that? Yes. Quite good, didn't you think? Quite good. I laughed. You sound a bit equivocal. No, I do like it.

Starting point is 00:26:13 It's just I can't really publicly give my true opinions of films because it'll ruin my career. It's not like the old days. I mean, that's not very good for this segment. No, I'll just play. It was really good. I love it. Like a film about a phone. Good idea. No, but seriously, because it's a challenge, isn't it? How do you bring it to life? And they do. They do it. No, they do it's very good. It really is good. It's funny. I loved blackberry How about that especially like the first half an hour if you don't love the first half an hour of blackberry I'm not sponsored by them by the way. It was just I found myself

Starting point is 00:26:58 Spontaneously laughing as I oh yeah Spontaneous laughter I'd forgotten what that was like. Really? When you laugh, how do you usually laugh? Is it how, I mean, how early do you plan it? How what? Well, spontaneous, I would just suggest that most laughter is spontaneous, like unless you're a psychopath. When you would sort of long range plan your day 7 30 i will smile for joy at the song of a blackbird or you know i don't know am i no i

Starting point is 00:27:36 know what you mean yes fair point but but you mean i think you mean sort of unsort of mediated laughter. It was a lull. It was an absolute lull. It just came out and it wasn't internal. It wasn't forced. It wasn't insincere. Yes, I get it. It was just like I just found myself laughing. I think I might plan my laughter though in future. Maybe I will from now on.

Starting point is 00:28:03 Yeah. How about, so now you can't even I you know half the people involved with Mission Impossible dead reckoning I do I've got a credit on the end did you yeah for playing the lead of course no no just in the special thanks right down the very end right yeah did you have any interaction with TC listen you don't want to start stuff I don't want to start something that could go on for another decade well have you got a short fun story about TC for this live

Starting point is 00:28:46 Royal Festival Hall audience who knows if we will ever be invited back to the Royal Festival Hall so I went to see a working cut of the film I was invited to a very very select screening

Starting point is 00:29:02 with maybe 30 people and Tom, Tom Tom Tommy boy was there. And so was Chris McQuarrie, the very brilliant director and the editor, Eddie Hamilton, very brilliant. And it was much longer. It was really good. There were no special effects in. You could see all the rigs and the wires.

Starting point is 00:29:20 And at the end, Tom came out and they asked for notes. They're very sort of honest. And they say, tell us anything, there's no rules, tell us whatever you want. So I gave them a note. Have you seen the film? So do you remember the bit in the, like, they've got a big typing pool and there's a glass box

Starting point is 00:29:37 and they're having a big important meeting. Quite near the beginning. Yeah, yeah, and then somebody sets off a green smoke grenade. Do you remember that bit? Yeah. It's very exciting. So my note was, Tom, Joe Cornish, Adam and Joe, I've made it sound

Starting point is 00:29:54 like a press conference. It wasn't a press conference. I said, don't you think the people in the typing pool could see that through the glass windows? And there would be immediate brouhaha in the whole typing pool. What immediate brouhaha in the whole typing pool. What's brouhaha, Joe? It's just a...

Starting point is 00:30:09 That's what Tom said. No, he knows what brouhaha is. No, he doesn't. If anybody knows what brouhaha is, Tom knows it. Hang on. That's page one. Anyway, do you know what he said? He said, he looked at me, he said, great note, great note, Joe. That's a great note, great note. I thought, jot it down, Joe,

Starting point is 00:30:25 and then let me doodle on what you wrote down. I've got a great idea for a doodle on that note, Joe. Did he do it? So, okay, my suggestion was make the glass mirrored glass, like two-way mirrored glass. So that's a good fix, very simple digital fix, cheap 2D fix. Didn't do it. But he was so convincing

Starting point is 00:30:49 when he said, great note. I was sure he was going to do it. But that's how good he is at acting. Chris, did you hear Joe when he said... When he did that note about the two-way glass. I know. I love it when he did that note about the two-way glass. I know.

Starting point is 00:31:06 I love it when he does that. I can't tell whether that's flattering or insulting. It's insulting because there's no way that they were going to do it. They get you in to humor you. They don't want to hurt your feelings. I don't know what hold you've got over them. But somehow you're invited to these things and I'm not. And there's got to be some way I can rationalize it.

Starting point is 00:31:33 So listen, have you ever thought, Adam... Uh-huh? Of changing your name? Oh, good question. No. Just to bolster your acting career. What's wrong with my name? That's one of the few things I'm happy about with myself. The world's most famous actors have Italian-sounding names.

Starting point is 00:31:56 Oh, yeah. Right? Ending in an O. Brando De Niro, Pacino DiCaprio. Yes. Adam Buxdio. Adam De Bxtio. I think you'd get more work. Alternatively, if you have a name ending with man, you're in really good shape. Jackman, Hoffman, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Newman, Freeman, Hackman,

Starting point is 00:32:17 Oldman, Rickman, Goodman. Yes. What a film. Jackman, Hoffman, Hoffman, Newman, Freeman, Hackman, Oldman, Rickman, Goodman. In a few Goodman. It'd be a good remake of a few Goodman. It's also good to have a name ending with O-N. Washington, Lemon, Nicholson, Burton, Norton, Damon, Neeson, Gleeson, Gibson, Heston, Jackson. What could they star in? I tell you, they could be in the new Wes Anderson film. Gibson, Heston Jackson. What could they star in?

Starting point is 00:32:48 I tell you, they could be in the new Wes Anderson film. Yes, they probably are. But just looking at those lists, I mean, it's fun to think of, like, dream casting based on names, don't you think? Yeah. Like, I'd like to see David Niven, Jeremy Piven, and Robin Givens in a remake of Unforgiven.

Starting point is 00:33:01 Niven, Pivens, Given, Unforgiven. For years, I've wanted to see Emily Woof, Jonathan Cake, and Imogen Poots in something just to hear the trailer go Woof, Cake, Poots. Puss in Boots. Or

Starting point is 00:33:17 Poots, Woof, Cake, Top of the Lake. Top of the Lake. That's like a movie version of Top of the Lake. Was that a TV show? Or Cake, Poots, Woof, Horseman on the Roof. That's a French film. I'd like to see... Is Wendy Craig still with us? It doesn't matter, because digital.

Starting point is 00:33:38 I'd like to see Wendy Craig and Craig David in a film, and Daniel Craig. I want Hanks and Banks in Crank Tom Hanks Elizabeth Banks in Crank I've got a lot more of these how long have you got seriously how long have you got

Starting point is 00:33:57 Sean Penn Sherilyn Fenn, John Glenn, A Few Good Men Tom Cruise, Penelope Cruz The Red Shoes Sherilyn Fenn, John Glenn, A Few Good Men. Tom Cruise, Penelope Cruz, The Red Shoes. Cruz, Cruz, Shoes. Don Cheadle, Jeremy Beadle, Panic in Needle Park.

Starting point is 00:34:20 You'd have to bring Beadle back from the dead, but anything's possible. Cheadle, Beadle, Needle. Thank God that's needle thank god that's one more do i haven't got any more have you got none no that's it that's all of them oh that was good thank you i mean some of those some of those might just get commissioned on the basis of those rhymes. I think Netflix would commission those without any qualms. I mean, anything that's sort of spiky and snappy, they'll go for. Yeah, yeah, very good.

Starting point is 00:34:55 That's all I'm giving you. I'm just giving you, yep, very good. Thanks. That's a Rory Stewart trick, actually. Do you listen to the rest of his politics? I have listened to some of them, yes. He's good. When he has no of them, yes. He's good. When he has no response whatsoever, he goes,

Starting point is 00:35:07 very good. Very good. It's good. It's like sort of verbal tidying up. Yes, exactly. Just polish the hob. Hey, I've got a present for you, Joe, an audio present. Hooray.

Starting point is 00:35:23 And now I'm just going to remove this here. Am I going to knock anything over? For you, Joe, an audio present. Hooray. And, uh... Does that sound sincere? I'm just going to remove this here. Am I going to knock anything over? No, okay, that's good. All right, I'm on top of things. Oh! I shouldn't have... Didn't mean to press that.

Starting point is 00:35:44 Okay, this is an audio present for you, Joe. And these are secrets. Yes. Did you get your book out just now? I mean, honestly, when you haven't read a novel for a bit and you read a good novel, it's just some of the descriptive languages like fireworks in your head.

Starting point is 00:36:01 It's such a pleasant sensation. Put the book away. Put that book away Don't touch that switch Okay, these are secrets of success for you, okay great My name is Yandre author of the well-selling book the secret of succeeding at success and twice runner-up at the inbox newsletter awards for most frequent newsletter and most difficult to unsubscribe from newsletter

Starting point is 00:36:35 and I am here to give you the gift of simple secrets of success success here is a secret for movie success for you Joe Cornish Are you excited? I'm very excited Andrew this year the success of the film Barbie about a popular children's doll toy Provided a clear indication that if you two would like movie success you should do a film like Barbie Wow success tell me more Andrew all you have to do Joe is think of a toy that you liked as a child then do a film with that toy. For example, if you played with Star Wars toys.

Starting point is 00:37:28 Yes, I did, Andrew. You could make a Star Wars film. Wow, success. Imagine the film. It starts out in Star Wars world. They go into the real world and it blows their minds. People just laugh at Darth Vader because he is dressed like Darth Vader, which in the real world is considered by some people to be sad. There could be in the film a song about Star Wars.

Starting point is 00:38:23 That could be the song in your film about Star Wars. And like Barbie, the film could contain an important social message. In this case, that we should not discriminate against Star Wars. You are successful. The most important secret of success is do not let failure make you stop. Failure is the most important ingredient in the cake of success. You can find the full recipe behind a paywall on my website. So when you fail, you must not stop.

Starting point is 00:39:03 No matter how many times you fail, you must not stop no matter how many times you fail you must not stop even if you fail so hard that your partner leaves you and your friends turn their back on you because what you're doing is so bad and they're embarrassed you must not stop even if you have failed so many times that it's obvious to everyone that you should be doing something else. You must not stop. Even if you're trying to be a surgeon

Starting point is 00:39:35 and you fail the exams, keep going and do surgery anyway. Success. That's the end That was very wide-ranging advice Now look, cornballs

Starting point is 00:40:03 Yes I think it's time we did some music And I could get my nepo-baby son out. Okay. Were you not expecting that? No, but we could do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Are you sure? Do you want to do a different thing? No, I want to do that.

Starting point is 00:40:19 All right. Okay. Frank Buxton. Frank Buxton So tell us what we're going to sing today, Joe Well, this is probably a bad idea Okay But as a Christmas gift for Adam I'm going to sing him a song about Margaret Mountford Now, I'm not a professional singer

Starting point is 00:40:43 And this song H hits some very high notes. So this is probably a bad idea. But if you wanted... Does anyone remember this song at all? Yeah, so... Now, this was from Song Wars, when we used to be on BBC Six Music, and we would challenge each other to do songs

Starting point is 00:41:01 every now and again. And this one was on the subject of The Apprentice, 2009 we're talking about. And I googled on the Wikipedia page who won. And I was convinced that you thrashed me with this one because it is one of your best. But I won. I won 64% of the vote with my song, which was Ken Corder singing a song about The Apprentice. Does anyone remember that one? Three people. I had to look it up because I couldn't remember it myself.

Starting point is 00:41:36 The chorus was, he's a stupid moron, she's a stupid moron. I'm going to win because I am a genius. You've always had the common touch I Don't think those lyrics are even acceptable anymore. So I'm amazed that I won. It was a different time I'm glad to say the world has moved on and now This is a bit of positive revisionism because we can celebrate together the true genius of this song about Margaret Mountford.

Starting point is 00:42:09 Ma! And I'm going to try and harmonize with this. Ma! Ma! That bit's going to be bad, okay? Hang on to your hats. Are there any... Do you know that bit in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang when all the dogs rush into the sweet factory?

Starting point is 00:42:26 That's about to happen. The Toot Sweet Factory. Alright, here we go. Let's have a go at this. Standing at the back Making notes on a pad In a tailored mac Deciding who gets sacked at Sir Alan's side A trusted employee A handsome woman with so much dignity

Starting point is 00:42:54 Margaret Mountford Your hair is like a cloud Your lips so red and your eyes strong and proud Reading the results dispassionately Young people today, not what they used to be Some well-chosen words, a little bit gruff She rolls her eyes, she's had enough She lets out a sigh, puts her head in her hands To be on TV was never part of her plan She's on the team, but she stands alone

Starting point is 00:43:53 While the candidates argue on their mobile phones Margaret Mountford, your hair is like a cloud You can join in on this bit if you want, it's the last bit Your lips so red and your eyes strong and proud Frank Buxton on guitar! Thank you, Frank. Beautiful singing, Joe. Thank you, Frank. Beautiful singing, Joe. Thank you, Frank. I remember Frank coming and visiting us in the BBC Six Music Studio

Starting point is 00:44:52 when he was a little boy. Do you remember that? Yeah, he was teeny weeny. He had blonde hair and he was very small and shy. Yes. Well, he still is. He's not so small. He's still quite shy.

Starting point is 00:45:08 Oh, that was a long time ago yeah that was like well that was around about when that song was composed 2009 we have our some of our six music team here i think our producer james sterling is here claire slevin one of our producers as well is here. Hooray! Caroline Hunt. Oh, man, they were good old days. So, you know, guys, you might remember that if you listened to the Christmas podcast last year that I launched some of my own podcasts to try and compete with Adam featuring my cat Smudge. Anybody remember those podcasts at all? The Whisker Through Time?

Starting point is 00:45:48 You might be wondering what happened to them. But, you know, that year there was an explosion of podcasts. There was a lot of money swirling around in the podcast business. There's been a major contraction. As you know, Harry and Meghan's podcast was axed by spotify a lot of podcasts have been kind of uh cancelled and sadly all my my raft of smudge podcasts was cancelled it's been a tough year for very creative people yeah but um i've got good news in that i am coming back with a new podcast next year. And I'm trying to cash in on this spate of supernatural podcasts. Good idea. So my idea

Starting point is 00:46:33 for a podcast, and this has been commissioned, so it's exciting. What I do is I get the public to send in their personal supernatural experiences. And then every week I interview somebody and then we put the story to two experts, a skeptic and someone who believes in the supernatural. And I think it's going to be a big hit. I get the sense that there's a lot of spooky stories out there that people really want to get off their chests. Do you want to hear a clip?

Starting point is 00:47:04 Yes, please. Yeah, okay. Here's a clip of my forthcoming supernatural podcast case one the mystery man hello let's start this week with a brand new case our witness is tim he's a man with two legs two arms arms, ears, a nose and a mouth. Not the kind of guy you'd expect to tell a story like this. I must have been about two years old and I was in my playpen and I can recall this clear as day, as if it was yesterday. I was all alone and the door to the room opened very slowly and a figure stepped into the room. He was very tall and completely green, and he had a huge nose that took up, you know, the top third of his body. It was extraordinary.

Starting point is 00:47:53 Wow. Well, I've just had to step outside, and the hair on the back of my neck is standing up. What a genuinely terrifying story. But guess what? It's about to get even scarier. And he just stood there and looked at me with these little black eyes like dots. And I remember quite clearly he had very short arms and almost no legs and no ears or mouth. And he was entirely nude. Tim, that must have been absolutely terrifying. Yes, yes, it was rather alarming. Such a strange encounter, unlike anything we've ever heard before.

Starting point is 00:48:28 OK, let's bring in some experts. First, Dr Nigel Nutclamp, Professor of Rational Thought at Bristol University, and Linda Fairy Dust Sasquatch Nessie Nonsenseburger from her house. Nigel, it's everyone's nightmare to have a big green man with a huge nose walk into their room. Yes, but what he's describing sounds very much like Mr Nosey from the Mr Men books, and he was two at the time. OK, so it could be just his imagination, but, Linda, it also could be a genuine supernatural experience, couldn't it?

Starting point is 00:48:56 Yes, it was. It was a ghost. OK, well, thanks, Linda. Pretty persuasive stuff. But, listener, what side are you on? Are you Team Boring, or are you Team Fun Time Scary team boring? Or are you team fun times, scary, scary, ghosty story? Email me, let me know. I wasn't half asleep. I wasn't half asleep. Now, I think you'll agree.

Starting point is 00:49:16 Thank you, thank you. Wow, thank you. I think you'll agree, there's nothing like that out there. So, my fingers and toes are crossed that that takes off next year. Oh, that's strong, man. That could spin off into all kinds of different areas. Yeah, plays, movies. Plays and movies and books.

Starting point is 00:49:40 Yep. That's all the areas that I could think of. Yeah. Thanks very much. Hey, how about some eggcorns? Eggcorns. Now, would you freestyle an eggcorn jingle over some beats? No.

Starting point is 00:49:57 No. No, no, no, no. Look, I just sung the Margaret Mountford song. Freestyle an eggcorn jingle over some beats. Eggcorn. Egg corn, egg corn. Here comes A, B and J corn with some egg corns. Words that make no sense. Misheard words that get you off the fence.

Starting point is 00:50:15 If you're sitting on a fence when it comes to egg corns, don't be forlorn. Sit on my lawn. I mean, that was better than I could have dreamed. Sit on my lawn. I mean, that was better than I could have dreamed. Sit on my lawn. I don't know. I sprung that on him. He totally rose to the challenge.

Starting point is 00:50:31 He was like eight mile. Yeah. It was incredible freestyling. Thank you. Eggcorns. So. Shall I start? Yeah, you kick off.

Starting point is 00:50:41 I've only got one. Yeah, we've only got a, we've just got a small handful of eggcornns for you. Do you guys know what egg corns are? You don't need to be reminded about egg corns. Misheard phrases, right? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:50:51 Again, these are from the real world. This is from Mina Crickshank, aged 13. Sorry, how did you say the surname? Quick? Quicksand? Quicks... Crick... Crickshankick crick shank crick shank i mean that is crookshank crookshank have you never come across crookshank uh no not me now no i've never met her um crookshank crookshank did what did i did I say? You did a nice bit of pronunciation. You gave it a bit of extra pronunciation respect. Well, lucky girl.

Starting point is 00:51:28 You sort of went, Crookshank. Crookshank. You know what? From now on, I'm going to call her Mina. All right. Mina, dear Adam and Joe, I was walking through the park with my mum, dad and brother, whom was eight at the time. My brother Ollie was telling us that when he was in class, a spider appeared on someone's desk.

Starting point is 00:51:47 Suddenly, all the eight-year-olds in the room screamed their heads off when my brother said, Don't worry, everyone, it won't hurt you. It's not a feminist spider. Venomous. He meant venomous. On which we erupted into laughter. Thank you for reading this.

Starting point is 00:52:04 Love your podcast so much it's not as good without joe yours sincerely mina quick shank good one mina that was brilliant sorry if i destroyed your name that was very good it's not a feminist spider. A woman. Have you got one? Yes. Or two? Let's see. I've got one from Hayley.

Starting point is 00:52:33 Hayley's from South End-on-Sea. And Hayley says, Hi. Like everybody else in the UK in the 1990s, my friend Mia and I, another Mia, would watch Family Fortunes on a Saturday night. It wasn't until years later that she disclosed to me that rather than the survey of 100 people providing the number that gave the points for each answer, she thought that there was

Starting point is 00:52:57 a man called Al Survey behind the scenes who would generate random numbers and even allocate prizes as was his whim. Our survey said 47. Merry Christmas Adam and Joe love Hayley from Southend-on-Sea. Our survey.

Starting point is 00:53:23 I had that with when I was at school in Wales when I was a youngster survey. I had that with when I was at school in Wales when I was a youngster. And they would say the Lord's Prayer and the head boy when I was at this school in Wales, in South Wales,

Starting point is 00:53:37 was called Aled. And so when they would get to the bit Aled be they name. I thought, oh, if you get to be head boy, then you get inserted into the Lord's prayer. If only it was me. We've had a lot of people sent in thanks Peter God.

Starting point is 00:53:58 Thanks Peter God. That's a common one. Thanks Peter God. Confusing times. He's part of the God family. He's one of the nicest members of the God family, Peter God. Are we halfway through the podcast? We're halfway through the podcast.

Starting point is 00:54:15 I think it's going really great. The conversation's flowing like it would between a geezer and his mate Alright mate Hello geezer, nice to see you Ooh, there's so much chemistry It's like a science lab of talking I'm interested in what you just said There's fun chat and there's deep chat

Starting point is 00:54:37 It's like Chris Evans is meeting Stephen Hawking Woo! Yeah, good stuff Terrific stuff Now that than Hawking. Woo! Yeah. Good stuff. Terrific stuff. Now that, that is dedicated to Dee. Dee sent in a message.

Starting point is 00:54:55 Hi, Adam and Joe, but mostly Adam. Soz, Joe. Firstly, an apology. I am disabled and neurodivergent and for a long time, my impairment didn't allow me to listen to podcasts. I forgive you. I'm magnanimous. Over time, continues Dee,

Starting point is 00:55:24 I have been able to better manage my symptoms and use various tech. So, hello podcasts. Well, just yours mostly. It's become a special interest. Hello autistic trait, says Dee, of mine. And I basically binge listen to every single episode over the course of about six months. binge listen to every single episode over the course of about six months. In other news, I bloody love the jingles and would love to be able to listen to them on demand. Can you put an album out of these, please? Are you sure this is real? This is real. This is real. My favorite is halfway

Starting point is 00:56:00 through the podcast, and this is perhaps where the anecdote comes in. In the jingle, you mentioned Stephen Hawking. Fun fact, I once taught Stephen Hawking the rules of roller derby, Darby. When he came to watch my team training, he didn't know the rules, which surprised me as I thought he knew everything. So I have bragged ever since that I am actually more clever than Stephen Hawking because I taught him something

Starting point is 00:56:32 he didn't know. Thank you for reminding me whenever I hear the jingle that this actually happened and isn't some kind of fever dream. Lots of love and thanks to you and Joe. D, three kisses. P.S. If you don't read this out, I'll tell everyone your ableist wank stains. It's classic. Classic bullying from the neurodivergent community. Good tactic. Let's move on to... Travelling tales, travelling tales. Tales of travelling on the train

Starting point is 00:57:06 or an automobile or an aeroplane I want to know what your travelling tales All aboard the Skylark! Alright. Now, I've got a travelling tale for you, Joe Cornish. And this happened to me earlier

Starting point is 00:57:23 this year, and I wrote it down in the form of a sort of formal message, so I could get all the important salient facts across. Feel free to interject any time you wish, or ask any questions. My wife, Sarah, and I, I wouldn't normally say her name, but I thought it would be Christmassy. We were traveling earlier this year on a very busy train to Scotland. You ever heard of that? Yeah, I have. It's there. And we were on the train to Scotland. I was sitting on a single seat, a busy train.

Starting point is 00:58:14 I'm on a single seat on one side of the aisle where there's only single seats. On the other side of the aisle, you've got your four-person tables. Sarah was across the aisle sitting at a table with three other women that we didn't know. There had been many delays that day, so it's absolutely packed out. That's why we weren't sitting together. And Sarah had struck up a conversation, friendly conversation, with the delightful women that she was sharing a table with while I was doing some laptop work across the way from them. The refreshments trolley came down the aisle. It was being wheeled by a woman who looked like Super Gran.

Starting point is 00:58:49 Oh, yes. A lovely Scottish grey-haired lady. She didn't have the tamashanta. Is that what you call them? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like Nessie wears. Exactly. Yes. She didn't have the tam o' shanta, but otherwise

Starting point is 00:59:05 she was the split of the mighty Supergran. Anyway. Was she holding the trolley like this? Yeah. She definitely was, yeah. I asked her if she had tea, but I forgot to ask if she had oat milk,

Starting point is 00:59:21 which normally I would prefer. So Supergran gave me some tea with dairy milk. I don't mind that, not the end of the world. Across the aisle, Sarah, my beautiful wife, my wife, also ordered a tea, but she had the presence of mind to ask for oat milk. Super Gran said, yes, no problem. Gave her some oat milk. So sorry she was scottish she was

Starting point is 00:59:48 scottish yes she's a scottish lady oh yes oat milk no problem there you go anyway i was like ah damn it oat milk okay so i said to my wife knowing that she would normally she would be the one that takes dairy milk I said oh do you mind if I give you my tea with the regular milk and I'll have that oat milk one but before Sarah had had the chance to reply super gran perhaps not realizing that we were together said well she may not want that one to me. So I wanted to explain to Supergran that we were married and that I had inside information about how my wife likes her tea.

Starting point is 01:00:35 I wasn't just a stranger who just demanded tea from random women. But anyway, for some reason, all that seemed a little bit much to explain. And I think maybe I was trying to make Sarah's new friends laugh, so instead I said, she's my wife, so she'll have what she's given. How did that go down?

Starting point is 01:01:19 I swear to you, Supergran and everyone nearby who overheard the comment gasped. And some of them gasped and some of them just made this noise like oh a couple of people shook their heads and looked at sarah with pity and concern so i was absolutely mortified but also so was my wife and she sank into her seat looking embarrassed and meek but that had the effect of making me look even more like the kind of controlling monster that i had just tried to impersonate but i concluded my traveling tale with maybe a husband who makes a joke that lands so badly and embarrasses his wife that way is a kind of monster what do you think i just think that's a very christmasy ending to the story what no but for real what happened did you get were there consequences i just there was it

Starting point is 01:02:27 was one of those moments where it was like ah shit everyone thinks i beat my wife did you talk did you talk about it when you got off the train when you were yeah what did you say to each other when you were away from that i i i said why didn't you make it clear that you were my wife you made me look like a monster in there. Ah. Merry Christmas. Good story. I'm a funny person.

Starting point is 01:03:02 I often make up jokes. My jokes are more amusing Than those of other folks When you hear my joke I think you'll find that you agree Come on, you're all invited To a made-up joke party I've only got one left. Yeah, I've only got a couple here.

Starting point is 01:03:23 Okay, this one is from O Ollie Dabson, aged 32. I heard Miley Cyrus is in the new Silence of the Lambs reboot. She plays Hannibal Montanable. I might be in the audience on the night, but please can Adam and or Joe read this one out?

Starting point is 01:03:44 Ollie, are you there? Are you here, Ollie? He's not. He's not. Ollie, you killed. That was Hannibal Montanable. That's absolutely amazing. Now, this is a message from a military person.

Starting point is 01:03:59 I quite like getting messages from military people, don't you? Well, yes, they could potentially kill you. That's right. They could kill me. Yeah, but they like you. They're sending you messages. They're being friendly. They're tolerating you for the time being.

Starting point is 01:04:13 Before they kill me. I like it. This is an American person, so I should probably do an accent, shouldn't I? Yes. I am a sailor in the U.S. Navy from Boston, Massachusetts. That's an accurate Boston accent. This is my second year now bringing this peach to the Buxton Agricultural Joke Fair. It's a very strong bit of wording there at the top.

Starting point is 01:04:41 I've been listening. I'm going to drop the accent. I've been listening to you for a long time after hearing you and Joe and Louis whilst living in Glasgow a decade ago. You've gotten me through some long, cold, and lonely nights at sea, standing watch on lookout or at the helm, so I thought I'd repay you in a made-up joke. I wrote this one when I was a seaman out in the Pacific Fleet aboard the USS Tripoli. It always fell on deaf ears amongst my shipmates because of the vocab, but I know that you two have much more refined taste. Here's the joke. Did you hear about the crooked courgette who turned his life around? Now he's on the straightened marrow.

Starting point is 01:05:21 around. Now he's on the straightened marrow. Pretty good response there. Very good. Thanks for everything and keep up the good work. Very respectfully. BM3, Calhoun, William, Boatswain. Oh, that's Boatswain, isn't it?

Starting point is 01:05:41 Or is it Boatswain? Listen, at this stage in the evening, I think we've established that we're both borderline dyslexic. Boatswain? He's the Boatswain's mate! Mate? Third-class petty officer. Oh, petty officer. I don't like the way you curled up that rope. up that rope. The angle of your cap isn't jaunty enough. You didn't salute me quick enough

Starting point is 01:06:12 the other day. Full day's jankers. That's military lingo, John. Yes, it's good. That's a petty officer. Petty, petty officer. He's being petty. There's a PS. In case this is broadcast, I would like to clarify that I never listened to the radio on watch. I always waited with great anticipation until I was relieved as lookout or helmsman and lay below to my rack.

Starting point is 01:06:41 Wow. Oh, I love it. Very romantic, isn't it? Military. Military jargon. Is that it for your jokes? Yeah, I only had one left. Well, you've got some in the cup if you want. Christ, the cup. Remember the cup from last year, anybody? The chat cup, the pee pee cup. That's the cup I used while I was talking to somebody on the podcast to relieve myself. It was a Zoom call. And I washed it out. It was all disinfected.

Starting point is 01:07:15 Is this Christmassy? Yeah, I think so. People have a lot to drink at Christmas. Have you found one? Well, I did, but it's very strange. I don't know about that one it's it's also like urine based oh okay oh i've got another one go on read your one as well this is urine based who selected these a urine fan you did urine garin go on you do your wee wee joke and I'll do my one

Starting point is 01:07:45 Okay, I don't know about this one though, listeners Don't do it if you don't know about it There's others in the pee-pee cup Okay, well I'll read this one I'm reading this totally blind When my daughter was about two years old I took her out for a day trip at our local zoo When we got home, her dad asked her what she saw

Starting point is 01:08:01 She proudly stated that she'd seen a big wang Her dad, slightly confused and mildly nervous asked her what she saw, she proudly stated that she'd seen a big wang. Her dad, slightly confused and mildly nervous, asked her, what kind of a wang? A wang-a-tang was the reply.

Starting point is 01:08:17 Nice. That's like a made-up joke slash egg-corn. Best wishes, Jennifer. Oh, that was good. That had a nice... It was a relief at the end. Yes, it was, that was good. That had a nice... It was a relief at the end. It was a relief.

Starting point is 01:08:26 Everyone was relieved. More wee jokes. Final wee joke. This one is from Shannon from Australia. Shannon is a he here, mate. Mate? Great. I've been sitting on this one for a while, mate,

Starting point is 01:08:40 but finally had the chance to send it in. Why was the New Zealandaland lock wet because of the kiwi somebody urinated on the lock love your work thank you shannon all right jay corn okay now listeners when you were young like me and Adam were a very long time ago, did you ever get obsessed with little snippets of films and television, little lines in movies or TV shows that stood out? And did you then repeat them ad infinitum the next day in the playground? Because me and Adam and the BBC's Louis Theroux certainly did.

Starting point is 01:09:24 But it's interesting how when you pick out these little phrases, you often don't listen to the source for years and years, and the phrases sometimes kind of mutate and become different, right? Like for years, we said that line from Flash Gordon that went, dispatch for Rocket Ajax to bring back his body. It's not how she says it. She just says body. But for some reason, we like to elongate bodies.

Starting point is 01:09:51 So I'm now going to suggest some of these lines to you. I'd like to hear how you remember them. Okay. And then we'll play the real thing. What was our favorite line from Blade Runner? Oh, it's when Rutger Hauer says, Did you get your precious footers? That's a funny accent he's got now. Let's hear it. Did you get your precious footers?

Starting point is 01:10:16 That's quite good. Did you get your precious footers? Okay, let's do another one. All right, do you ever seen that film Silver Bullet with Corey Haim? Oh, my God. I haven't seen that since it came out. There's a bit in there where there's a... The werewolf. Yeah, werewolf movie. Good movie.

Starting point is 01:10:32 There's a bit where there's a young girl character and she gets somehow, like, surprised by an evil vicar in a woodshed. Terrifying. Do you remember that bit? Yes. Was that Silver Bullet? Yeah, yeah, yeah, and what does he say to her? She's called Jane, he says Oh Jane

Starting point is 01:10:50 You're trembling Trembling Trembling Trembling Five syllables we got out of trembling I wonder if that is really how he says it Tremble-holing. Five syllables we got out of trembling. I wonder if that is really how he says it. Shall we find out?

Starting point is 01:11:11 Watch it. You're trembling. Three syllables maybe? He does hesitate in the middle. You're trembling. He puts an extra syllable in, definitely. Tremble-in. Tremble-in. Yo, tremble-in. What about Ferhole-in. Yo, trim-hole-in.

Starting point is 01:11:26 What about Ferris Bueller? Oh, mate, another one. You could quote the whole thing. Zawing! Ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da. Kennedy, Kennedy, Kennedy, Kennedy. That was the best bit. Hey!

Starting point is 01:11:40 Ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da. Zawing! Ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da. Kennedy, Kennedy, Kennedy, Kennedy, Kennedy. Zawing! Ba-da. Zawing! Good. So that's it, we did it exactly right He's saying Swing Bata, right? Is he? I don't know about baseball

Starting point is 01:11:53 I think so, I don't know Okay, we'll do one last one From a classic film Starring Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger Twins No, Junior. Junior! There was more than one Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger film. Yeah, because they were a killer combination. They were box office dynamite. Junior. Think about it. Junior, that is very forward-looking, isn't it? It's about a man.

Starting point is 01:12:20 Yeah, it's progressive. Who gets pregnant. Do you remember the line you used to say from that all the time? Well, this is when Schwarzenegger gets successfully pregnant. I don't remember how. IVF. But he starts going, like the joke is all about, imagine if a man got pregnant. All the things he would experience that a woman normally experiences. And he says to Danny DeVito Larry feel my hands they're so soft

Starting point is 01:12:55 seriously he used to say that all the time Larry feel my hands they're so soft it's a good line let's hear it feel how soft my skin is. Is that it? That's it, yeah. Feel how soft my skin is. But there you go.

Starting point is 01:13:15 What happened to Larry? Larry, Larry, feel my hands. They're so soft, Larry. So what do you reckon? Have we got time for a quick Song Wars? This is like a set of mini Song Wars. But let's do it. Are you up for singing the jingle, Jay Korn?

Starting point is 01:13:37 I don't really know the words. It's time for Song Wars, the war of the songs. A couple of tunes from a couple of prongs. I can do that. Which will you vote for? Which one is the best? You do of tunes from a couple of prongs. I can do that. Which will you vote for? Which one is the best? You do this bit.

Starting point is 01:13:48 You do the second bit. All right. It's time for Song Wars, The War of the Songs, a couple of tunes from a couple of prongs. Which will you vote for? Which one is the best? We're putting our songs to the listener test. So check it out.

Starting point is 01:14:07 There you go. All right. So I think the theme of this song was Beatles songs. Beatles. Well, because of the now and then. Kind of. So I was thinking, I mean, I was more thinking how many beautiful songs there are about birds. Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 01:14:27 Right? Like, there is sparrow. What was that? Is that what you mean? About birds. What birds? Beautiful songs about birds, Joe. Birds.

Starting point is 01:14:40 Well, there's a lot of beautiful songs about birds. Yeah. But I'm talking birds, not birds. Birds. Birds. In the trees. That's what I'm talking about, Joe. Birds.

Starting point is 01:14:52 Oh, I thought you meant birds. No. What is this? This is a different podcast. This is the podcast we're going to do after this podcast. What are we talking about? I completely lost my train. Birds, birds.

Starting point is 01:15:06 So, like, Sparrow by Marvin Gaye is one of my favourite songs. Black Bird by the Beatles. But there's no song about the bird that we all know best. The pigeon. No pigeon songs? No, there's no beautiful song about pigeons.

Starting point is 01:15:19 So here's a beautiful song about pigeons. Pigeon hopping in the street today How'd your left foot get that way? Shriveled up, limpy dove Even pigeons need some love Pigeon pecking on a cigarette stub Don't you know that's not good grub? Don't you know that people say mean things You're just a rat with wings

Starting point is 01:15:50 Your little head, your little beaky nose I love you so Little pigeon, little pigeon Scritchy pigeon, don't you go The way you walk, the way you nod your head, and eat the bread that people throw you, don't you know where to go to rest your head? You used to meet your friends in Trafalgar Square, but they're not there, it's so unfair I blame Tony Blair And when I fill the birdbath to the brim

Starting point is 01:16:28 And you get in and do a poo Right under you and wash yourself in poo-wee-goo Your little head, your little beaky nose I love you so, little pigeon Squidgey pigeon, pigeon, don't you go You withered leg, you horrid crusty booze I muster you, fly away now Little pigeon, filthy pigeon

Starting point is 01:16:57 I love you And when I'm driving right towards your face You stay in place I think I'll squash you But you wait till you're nearly dead And then you rise before my eyes Into the skies and off you fly Squinchy pigeon, little pigeon

Starting point is 01:17:20 Coo, coo, coo Oh, Jesus! Thank you. Can I... I'd just like to thank my good friend Christoph Bauschenger, who's here, who played the guitar on that very brilliant... Oh, my God, that was an original guitar. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:17:44 Wow, that was amazing thank you christoph christoph yeah beautiful i'm not gonna play my one yours is good man it's dog shit it's good anyway well we've we've learned tonight that often you know things don't go the way you think they're going to go. With Song Wars, right? Oh, God. This is a lost John Lennon song. This was on the cassette that they got Now and Then from. It was just at the end, after Now and Then.

Starting point is 01:18:22 But they didn't re-record this one. Exciting. And this was around the time that John was spending a lot of time It was just at the end, after Now and Then. But they didn't re-record this one. Exciting. And this was around the time that John was spending a lot of time at home at the Dakota as a house husband. And Yoko was out quite a bit. And John was mainly at home looking after Sean and just doing nice domestic things. And that's what this song is about. Another night in with Yoko, Sudoku and Coco. I baked some lovely buns.

Starting point is 01:18:58 We eat them with jam. And then we watch TV. with jam and then we watched TV if only you could watch the programs that you wanted to whenever it was

Starting point is 01:19:12 most convenient for you they could gather them in sort of box sets one day staying in will be exciting, but not yet. Not quite yet. I'm John Lennon. And one day this will be number one

Starting point is 01:19:45 John, will you stop that racket? Sorry, Yoko. Listen. It's Christmas, right? So there's no competitions at Christmas. I think everybody wins. Everybody wins. Everybody gets the gift of music.

Starting point is 01:20:01 And talking of gifts. Yes. Can I give you a royal gift? So this is a physical present I'm going to give Adam. And this is my cousins own a lovely secondhand bookshop in a village called Dulverton in the West Country. Hey, I remember Dulverton. Rothwell and Dunworth.

Starting point is 01:20:22 It's very good if you're down there popping. But I picked this up for you earlier in the summer. The Royal Family Pop-Up Book. Yeah. Updated with the latest conspiracy theory for 2024. Yeah. It says on here. Look at that illustration.

Starting point is 01:20:41 Take it to your desk and have a quick flick through. Of Charles and Diana. It'll take you back to more innocent days when Charles and Diana were first falling in love and the country was swept up in royal romance. Right?

Starting point is 01:20:58 Those were the days, weren't they? It's an impressive book. Holy shit, look at that. That's Prince Andrew. This is pretty good, this book. Holy shit, look at that. That's Prince Andrew. That is Prince... Playing with a corgi, isn't it? Yeah, Prince Andrew is... In more innocent days.

Starting point is 01:21:15 Throwing a ball to a bouncing corgi that you can drag up, or you pull a tab, and the corgi jumps up for the ball. I don't think he'd even had a massage at that age. Oh, there's a

Starting point is 01:21:32 queen on the side there. She's waving. Now this is where something's been added I think for the most recent edition. There's a little extra person on the end here just describe the scene it's a gathering of the

Starting point is 01:21:49 royal family isn't it? it's a gathering of the royal family and there's Charles maybe it's after the wedding is it? are they waving to the crowds but someone else is there they're all dressed up oh yes this is they're all dressed up in fancy dress in old style gear and Charles and Diana are there in period costume,

Starting point is 01:22:08 but then over next to some Mounties is Pierce Brosnan. Yes, it's James Bond, circa 1997. Pierce Brosnan. And who's on his shoulder? It's Bronholm is aiming a pistol into the air at unseen baddies. And on his shoulder is Paddington Bear. Yeah. And what is two very establishment figures?

Starting point is 01:22:35 What is Paddington Bear saying? She'd better watch it. So just think about that, because there's all sorts of sinister implications about then what went on to happen. And we know that Paddington Bear knows the Queen, don't we? Yes. And we know that James Bond works for the Secret Service,

Starting point is 01:23:01 and maybe the royal family weren't that happy about the sort of things that Di was doing. Two and two together. What the hell are you suggesting? I'm not going to say it out loud, Adam. Just read between the lines. I don't understand at all what

Starting point is 01:23:18 you... I mean... My brain is just melting. Paddington Bear and... Pierce Brosnan. James Bond. My brain is just melting. Paddington Bear and... LAUGHTER ..Pierce Brosnan. ..James Bond... Don't finish the end of the ten pence.

Starting point is 01:23:33 Not in the Royal Festival Hall. OK, all right, close the book. Anyway, you can study it in your own time. But... LAUGHTER That is amazing, man. thank you so much do you have anything else about the queen for us tonight maybe to round off the evening i wonder well i i sort of do but this is i kind of ran out of time on this one so i was going to ask the audience for suggestions. Well, first of all, I should say that I got a message from David Gregg.

Starting point is 01:24:10 And he said, Dear Adam, I hope you're well. Big fan of the podcast. Last winter, I traveled to northern Norway to see the northern lights. Didn't see the northern lights, unless you count looking at other people's digitally enhanced phone photos while I stared mournfully at clouds. But in a record shop in Tromsø, I did discover this. And this is a Spotify page that I am showing the audience here at the Royal Festival Hall. And it is for a band called Sankoari.

Starting point is 01:24:42 And the album is Sarvagalba. Sarvagalba. And David says, this is the album is Sarvagalba, Sarvagalba. And David says, this is the song Sarvagalba by Sankwari, a Sami rock band from the north of Norway. Turns out their lead singer is influenced by the queen. I have since realized that the Sami musical tradition of Joiking must be rooted somehow in the Queen's appreciation of lovely things. So here's a clip of Sarva Galba by Sankwari from 2019. Wow, that's great. I love it. I listened to the rest of the album. It's really good.

Starting point is 01:25:45 I enjoyed it very much. Sarvagalba, that's Sankoari. And apologies for mispronouncing that name, which I almost certainly am. Thanks for the message, David. Well, I did a song to round things off for this special royal space, but I ran out of time lyric-wise.

Starting point is 01:26:04 I.e., I don't have many lyrics for this one. So it's going to be mainly noises, I think, from the Queen. But I was thinking for the final section, what kind of things could she be hoping for in 2024? Reincarnation. Reincarnation. reincarnation reincarnation Harry and Meghan and Willie and Katie to be friend I said it like that kids to be friends is to be friends no sex pests no no royal sex pests. Please. Well, can you frame it in terms of things she wants more

Starting point is 01:26:50 of? I.e. a Laura Laura. Laura Laura. I mean, we could have Laura Laura no sex pests. Yes, let's have that. That's very Christmassy. Anything else?

Starting point is 01:27:08 Audience? Which one? Party pom-pom, I think they're saying. Party pom-pom? She wants to go to a pom-pom party. What was that song you did? Going to a party pom-pom, that one? Don't pretend you don't sing it every day.

Starting point is 01:27:28 Anything else? You had something. Corgis. Corgis. I mean, you could literally pick anything that the Queen could be wishing for for 2024. Like peace. Like world peace. But no, a chocolate orange.

Starting point is 01:27:44 There we go. A chocolate orange and more corgis. More corgis. Maybe some dead corgis to go in there with her. Oh, she's lonely. She's lonely. So they just, you know, along with the XL bully dog cull, they could pop in a couple of fun corgis to make the queen happy. This takes the edge off the dog cull.

Starting point is 01:28:05 All right. I think we edge off the duck cull. All right. I think we've probably got enough, surely. Let's give this a go, shall we? I am the Queen My favourite food is bean And the Laura Lully Bee Finny a blind a day time Oh and the Queen I live in heaven now

Starting point is 01:28:35 It's so nice I get to hang out with Lully people all day long I haven't written this bit If you were a couple A wooka warrior boy A lully willy kitty A megan a harroy Please don't cause no problems For your family I want the world to be nicer

Starting point is 01:28:54 I'd punish Phil and Van For jumping in the queue If you skip a line I'll do the same to you I am the queen Oh my words are coming up on the screen. I am the queen. I'm in the palace of Jesus in the Allura.

Starting point is 01:29:15 With Shane McGowan's and Henry Kissinger. Allura, Allura, Allura, Lully Corporal. Allura, Allura,, Laura, Blinded Data Laura, Laura, Laura, Donald Trump again Oh no Laura, Laura, Laura, Reincarnation Laura, Laura, Laura, Kids to be Friends Laura, Laura, Laura, No Sex Pests

Starting point is 01:29:43 Oh Laura, Laura, Laura, no sex pests Laura, Laura, Laura, party pom-pom Laura, Laura, Laura, please book more beers Laura, Laura, Laura, back in the royal festive hall Once again before I die Thank you! Thank you Alright man Thank you for coming everybody

Starting point is 01:30:16 And a very merry Christmas To one and all Now Joe A few people Who are regular listeners to the podcast requested the traditional end of the podcast hug.

Starting point is 01:30:31 So even though I would normally do that on my own by just hugging my dictaphone like this, let's do an actual human hug. Here we go. We're moving in for the hug. Are you going to say the things that you usually say? You know, like, oh, come over here.

Starting point is 01:30:49 That sort of thing. And then you go... That sort of thing. I find it quite... I've known him for a long time. I find it quite upsetting. So it'd be nice for it to be connected to a real physical sensation

Starting point is 01:31:04 rather than just... Come on, do the noises. Come on. Hey, come here. There you go. I love you. Joe Cornish. Adam Buxton.

Starting point is 01:31:21 Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you so much for coming along. I really appreciate it. I hope you had a good time. You really did. Wait, this is an advert for Squarespace. Every time I visit your website, I see success.

Starting point is 01:31:51 Yes, success. The way that you look at the world makes the world want to say yes. It looks very professional. I love browsing your videos and pics, and I don't want to stop. And I'd like to access your members area and spend in your shop. These are the kinds of comments people will say about your website if you build it with Squarespace. Just visit squarespace.com slash Buxton for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, because you will want to launch,

Starting point is 01:32:32 use the offer code Buxton to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. So put the smile of success on your face with Squarespace. Yes. Continue. Hey, welcome back, podcats. I hope you enjoyed that. We had such a good evening. Myself and Joe and Frank and everyone at the Royal Festival Hall was so kind to us,

Starting point is 01:33:18 especially Federica and Phil the sound man. Everyone was very nice to us, so I apologize for not name-checking all of you, but they were particularly helpful and welcoming. And thank you very much to Magda at my agents, who provided valuable liaison in the days running up to the show. It was quite stressful doing a big live show, and there was a moment that afternoon when we were driving into London, me and Frank, and we hit rush hour traffic and we were a little

Starting point is 01:33:52 bit late and we were driving down some very narrow roads. It was Frank's first time driving the family car in London. I didn't realize it was. But anyway, he dealt with it very well. It's incredibly stressful. It suddenly reminded me of when I first started driving and was in that kind of situation for the first time. With drivers getting impatient with you, there was one point where we were trying to turn into a very narrow road and there was a queue of cars coming the other way and we had to try and back up and we couldn't see there was this bollard on the corner of the pavement behind us which meant that even though we had backed up and moved to one side over to the left the truck at the front of the line was not coming forward and I couldn't figure out why. And this guy just kept on very laconically waving and I couldn't figure out why he was waving. He was pointing at the bollard as if to say,

Starting point is 01:34:52 look, I can't get by because there's a bollard on the corner there. But I couldn't see the bollard. He was just waving. The cars were hooting behind. Come on, what's going on? And this guy was just giving it the laconic wave. He could have wound down his window and said, there's a bollard just behind. That's why I'm not moving. But no, he just sort of was enjoying our distress. Frank had to just say, Dad, can you do it? And we swapped over. And in the process of swapping over, somehow we lost the car keys. So then, already late to get to the Royal Festival Hall, we spent about half an hour trying to find the car keys. I thought at one point they'd dropped down the gutter.

Starting point is 01:35:39 I was thinking, what the hell are we going to do now? They were under the driver's seat. It's one of those keys that's just like a remote clicker. You don't actually put a key in a lock. So it can quite easily go wandering. Anyway, that was a bad moment. And I was so stressed, I was beginning to feel faint. And I thought, oh, I don't think I'm going to be able to do the show

Starting point is 01:36:03 because I'm just going to pass out on stage. But it was all fine. And if you were there, thank you so much. Honestly, one of the best audiences ever. And if you wanted to be there but weren't able to, I'm sorry. But I hope you can come along to one of the live podcast shows next year. As I speak, we have, I think, around 10 shows confirmed. All shows, except for the Norwich shows, will go on sale at 10am on Friday the 29th of December,

Starting point is 01:36:37 and you'll find a link to tickets on my website adam-buxton.co.uk. The link to my site is in the description today. The two Norwich dates at the Playhouse go on sale at 10am on Friday, the 26th of January. The plan is for me to do a live podcast show, which will feature bits of nonsense from myself and my laptop, perhaps a little bit of reading, and then waffle from as-yet-unconfirmed guests, but they will be, I would imagine, a selection of previous podcast guests that I've particularly enjoyed talking with,

Starting point is 01:37:18 friends of the podcast, maybe even the odd musical guest in addition. maybe even the odd musical guest in addition. Currently, we are due to appear in Liverpool, 20th of May, Dublin, Bristol, York, Glasgow, and then June, we've got Cardiff, Manchester, Brighton, London. On the 9th of June, we've gone ahead and booked the Apollo in Hammersmith. I'll get someone really good for that, don't worry. But it would be great if you could come along, because it would be a shame if there was no one there. It's a big one. And then, yes, a couple of dates in Norwich, and there may be more that pop up. But that's how it stands at the moment. Link in the description. I'd also like to tell you about a documentary film you may enjoy.

Starting point is 01:38:08 It's called Scala, S-C-A-L-A, three exclamation marks, subtitle, or the incredibly strange rise and fall of the world's wildest cinema and how it influenced a mixed-up generation of weirdos and misfits, including, of course, myself and Jay Korn. If you're a regular listener, you might have heard us talking about the old days at the Scala when we would go to some of the all-nighters there

Starting point is 01:38:34 and see strange sights along with the strange films. I'm going to quote now from a nice review, four out of five stars, in Time Out by Phil DeSsemlian. Am I pronouncing that name right? London's legendary Scala Cinema, which closed its doors for the last time in 1993. It's in King's Cross, by the way. The building is still there, but it does a different job now. It was never a place to settle down for a quiet night of movie watching. never a place to settle down for a quiet night of movie watching. Film goers could feel the tube trains rattling by below them. The toilet cubicles would often shake with semi-fertile activity.

Starting point is 01:39:12 And at one of the legendary all-nighters, someone found a corpse. I didn't know that. Houston and Roy, the cinema's cats, would patrol around, terrifying the unwary or the high. Across 15 years and 40,000 screenings, it was a place where life would imitate art in all sorts of colourful ways, even when you were watching a John Carpenter movie. And it gets the kind of lovingly gonzo elegy it deserves via this entertaining documentary. Rosie, come on, let's go this way. Scala is made by ex-Time Outers Jane Giles, a former Scala programmer, and Ali Catterall,

Starting point is 01:40:06 with a scrapbook and sticky tape aesthetic very much in keeping with its subject. Old Scarlet heads like Ralph Brown, Danny from Withnail and I, and Adam Buxton, who is me, I think there's also Stuart Lee pops up in there as well, and lots of other people, are welcomed back into their old inner haunt for enjoyable on-camera reminiscences. John Waters even pops up from his San Francisco apartment. John Waters is a dream guest. He has been on my wish list for so many years. And I know he does do podcasts, but so far we have not been able to rouse him. If you know John Waters, tell him that he should come on the podcast. Anyway, John Waters pops up from his San Francisco apartment with some typically entertaining observations and memories. A country club for criminals and lunatics and people who are high is how the American auteur describes Scala.

Starting point is 01:40:54 The highest of praise. Very nice. Right up there from Phil DeSemlien. Scala is in cinemas 5th of January 2024. Scala is in cinemas 5th of January 2024 and it's on the BFI player and Blu-ray disc from the 22nd of January now I know I already appealed to your generosity at the top of the podcast

Starting point is 01:41:15 asking if you could donate to St. Mungo's to help people living rough currently in the UK but if the coffers can take it it would be amazing if you could also support the work of Médecins Sans Frontières, MSF. They are, just to remind you, a non-political organisation that provides emergency medical care in more than 70 countries for people who would otherwise go without. They are working on the front line of conflicts all over the world. They're there in Ukraine and they're there in Gaza. Just the sheer intensity of the suffering out there

Starting point is 01:41:55 in the Middle East this year has shocked all of us so much and all of us hope so hard that things improve somehow in the new year, but from a practical point of view, organisations like MSF need funding to do what they do and help people in those extreme situations. All those people, so many women and children being killed and suffering in Gaza, are being helped by agencies, including MSF, and they need donations in order to carry on doing the work they're doing. If you're wondering why they're not in Israel, I quote

Starting point is 01:42:34 from the MSF website, MSF is an impartial organization, so we are sometimes asked why we do not currently run medical programs in Israel. We have offered our support to Israeli hospitals treating high numbers of casualties. However, Israel has strong emergency and health systems in place. MSF focuses on filling gaps in health care and going wherever that need is greatest. Our teams are working in Gaza and the West Bank, as we have done for 20 years, providing medical aid and supporting a health healthcare system that urgently lacks both staff and supplies. Anyway, if you're able to make a donation to help support MSF, it would be greatly appreciated. Thanks. Other thanks go to Seamus Murphy Mitchell

Starting point is 01:43:17 for all his hard work on this episode. Thank you, Seamus. I really appreciate it. Thanks to Sarah Buxton. My wife. And thanks to the rest of the Buxton team for all their hard work and emotional support. Thanks to everyone at ACAST who works hard to liaise with my sponsors and keep the show on the road. Thanks to Helen Green for her beautiful artwork.

Starting point is 01:43:39 Thanks to everyone at PBJ I already mentioned. Magda, thanks Chiggy, thanks Becca. Thanks to all of you who got in touch with made-up jokes and eggcorns and messages before we did the live show. I apologise if we didn't read your message out, but I read all of them and enjoyed them very much. Cheers, I really appreciate you sending them in. Thanks to whoever sent me a blue beanie hat. I don't know, maybe you're listening to the podcast and you sent me a blue beanie hat I don't know maybe you're listening to the podcast and you sent me a blue beanie it's a really nice one I've been wearing it the last week or two

Starting point is 01:44:11 but there was no note in the box I don't think I dropped it or anything but uh if I know you or if you're a podcat or I don't know what thanks I love it thanks as well and this is my fault because I think I lost the name of the person who sent me a copy of Neil Young's Harvest Time documentary that was really kind of you thank you Billy Bragg mentioned it in the podcast a few months ago and I was saying how much I'd love to see it actually it is available if you buy I think the Neil Young 50th anniversary harvest box set I think it comes as part of that thanks to Ben Meadows for letting me know but yeah I appreciate the person who sent it to me anyway I can't wait to watch it and thanks to all of you who listened to the podcast this year

Starting point is 01:45:07 and who keep coming back. I'm glad to say that it's not going to be too long until I put out a few more episodes. I think my plan is to upload three or four or something in January and February, including a conversation with Werner Herzog. Yep, that's right. Been trying to pin him down for ages and finally happened just a couple of days ago. Anyway, that's coming up. And then I will probably take another break while I try and

Starting point is 01:45:40 get the book finished. And then it's live podcast tour time. So lots of opportunities for us to be together. And even though you already had a hug with myself and Cornballs on the stage of the Royal Festival Hall, I'd like to give you just one more before I say goodbye until we meet again in 2024. Come here. Come on, corn balls. Get in here.

Starting point is 01:46:09 You love it. All right, mate. Go softly. And until we meet again, bear in mind that I love you. Bye. Bye! I'm going to go. ស្រូវាប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ Thank you.

THE ADAM BUXTON PODCAST - EP.217 - ADAM AND JOE LIVE @ ROYAL FESTIVAL HALL

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.