THE ADAM BUXTON PODCAST - EP.3 - 'DR BUCKLES' COLD SAFARI'

Episode Date: September 30, 2015

In episode 3 of his podcast, Adam Buxton takes you on a journey through a week suffering from a cold via voice note diaries recorded during a recent bout of illness a few days before he was supposed to be doing a handful of live shows in London. And before that Adam talks about recent developments in his (hitherto non-existent) relationship with one of his musical heroes: Brian Eno Brian Eno's John Peel Lecture, 2015 (BBC 6 Music) http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b06dcmxl DAVID BOWIE, BRIAN ENO AND TONY VISCONTI RECORD 'WARSZAWA' https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FODvjYoVEi8 Adam's blog: adam-buxton.co.uk Extra music and audio used in this podcast: 'Adam Buxton Podcast Theme’ by Adam Buxton (2014) Harp Music: 'Il '700 Colto e Galante' by Lucia Bova. Discreet Music by Brian Eno (1975) Dialogue: "The arena of the unwell” Paul McGann from 'Withnail & I' (1987, written and directed by Bruce Robinson) Music clip: ‘Flu Song’ by Adam Buxton (2008) Sting: ‘Achoo’ by Sparks (1975) Dialogue: “Practically brain dead already…” Rik Mayall from 'The Young Ones - Sick’ (1984, Written by Ben Elton, Rik Mayall and Lise Mayer) Feverish music bed: ‘The Pearl’ by Harold Budd & Brian Eno (1987) Feverish music loop: 'Paranoid Android' by Radiohead (1997) Feverish music loop: ‘Party Pom Pom’ by Adam Buxton (2011) Feverish dialogue: "Handsome Tweed" from '7 Years In Tibet’ (1997, directed by Jean-Jacques Annaud) Feverish dialogue: "Trash Bashket" Sean Connery in ‘The Untouchables’ ( 1987, directed by Brian De Palma) Feverish dialogue: "Well maybe…” Pierce Brosnan in ‘Taffin’ (1988) Feverish music clip: ‘Comfortably Numb’ by Pink Floyd (1979) Sting: ‘You Be Illin’ by Run DMC (1986) Sting: ‘Live And Let Live’ by Love (1967) Sting: ‘Rockin’ Pneumonia and the Boogie Woogie Flu’ by Huey Piano Smith (1965) Music clip: ‘Brand New Day’ by Van Morrison (1970) Outro Music bed from 'Wario’s Woods' game (Dr Buckles remix. Music composed by Shinobu Amayake, Soyo Oka, 1994) Not sponsored by TerenceStamp's.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, Adam Buxton here. Now look, I got a few messages from people last week who were a little surprised and maybe disappointed by the swearing in episode two. Sorry about that. I mean, I love to swear, but I appreciate there's a time and a place and sometimes, you know, you've got children there and maybe they used to listen to the Six Music Show and they assumed this was going to be a similarly non-sweary zone. I mean, sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't. So what I'm going to do is indicate at the beginning of every podcast whether it's sweary or non-sweary and see if you find that helpful. This week's podcast contains no swearing. Enjoy! I added one more podcast to the giant podcast bin.

Now you have plucked that podcast out and started listening. I took my microphone and found some human folk. Then I recorded all the noises while we spoke. My name is Adam Buxton. I'm a man. Hey, thank you so much for downloading this self-indulgent chat ramble. And this week, I chart the progress of a common cold using voice note diaries that I recorded when I last had a common cold and other related wiffle waffle. So prepare to join me on my cold safari for the Adam Buxton podcast number three. But before that, and as this is my own podcast, I would like to talk about something that happened recently between me and Brian Eno.

Well, back in the 70s, this isn't the thing that happened between me and Brian Eno. This is just a bit of background to tie it into the podcast. Back in the 70s, Brian Eno was ill in bed, right? He didn't have a cold. He was recuperating from a car accident in hospital. he didn't have a cold, he was recuperating from a car accident in hospital, and it was while he was there one day that he got the inspiration to create his own version of a kind of music that composer Eric Satie referred to as furniture music or background music. Here is Brian Eno talking about that time in an interview with journalist Riz Khan from Al Jazeera, which I found on YouTube.

A particular incident happened while I was convalescing. A friend of mine came over to see me and I was confined to bed. I couldn't move. But as she left, she said, shall I put a record on? And I said, please. And she put a record on and then left. The record was much too quiet, but I couldn't reach to turn it up, and it was raining outside, so it was a record of 18th-century harp music, I remember. And so I lay there at first kind of frustrated by this situation,

but then I started listening to the rain and listening to these odd notes of the harp that were just loud enough to be heard above the rain. And this was a great musical experience for me and I suddenly thought of this idea of making music that didn't impose itself on your space in the same way but created a sort of landscape that you could belong to you could be part of and I called this, I pompously gave it a new name

which I called Ambient Music So there you go you see amazing things can happen even if you're ill in bed pompously gave it a new name which I called Ambient Music. So there you go you see, amazing things can happen even if you're ill in bed. This is a track from the album Brian Eno made after that period of convalescence, Discreet Music from 1975 and I'm telling you all this by way of establishing the fact that I really like Brian Eno's work. I mean, I love ambient music. I love all the stuff that he's done solo, those weird, beautiful, strange albums in the 70s, the stuff he did with Roxy Music and Talking Heads, and of course, David Bowie. And David Bowie was my entry point into the world of Brian Eno. And in the same way that I grew to be very fond of David Bowie as a teenager even though

I'd never met him obviously and I had no idea what he was actually like I grew to be fond of Brian Eno and I just thought he seemed like an interesting and genial person I was always excited whenever he popped up and recently on the weekend in fact he popped up again as the speaker of BBC Six Music's John Peel lecture. I wasn't able to attend the John Peel lecture. I was at home. I had some family members visiting. And I had an important appointment with the sofa where I sat for quite a while in front of the fire. And while I was doing so, I was looking at Twitter. I don't know if you've been on.

the fire and while i was doing so i was looking at twitter i don't know if you've been on anyway um i saw a tweet come through from bbc6 music who i follow on twitter and they were saying get your questions for brian eno in and i realized oh it's the talk i missed the talk but it's obviously time for the q a now and they're asking for questions from the Twitterverse. I thought, OK, well, I'll listen to the talk later. I'll get it from iPlayer. But right now I'll send in a question because as an ex-member of the BBC Six Music family, I thought there's a fairly good chance that Mark Radcliffe might read out this question to Brian Eno. And then in a way, I would be communicating with one of my heroes. and then in a way I would be communicating with one of my heroes and I mean I've been in a room with Brian Eno before but we didn't talk or anything I've never really met him properly and they say that it's unwise to meet your heroes of course because there are so many ways that it

can go wrong the more you've built up an impression of someone in your head that is the result of an entirely one-way relationship the more you're just up an impression of someone in your head that is the result of an entirely one-way relationship, the more you're just setting yourself up for disappointment when you actually come across each other in the real world, you know? Anyway, ignoring all that, I thought, I don't care, I'm going to ask him a question. In the end, I decided to go sort of serious, and this is the question that I tweeted. Do you worry that the freshness in approach that comes with being a, non-musician which is how Eno has described himself is in danger of being replaced by skill? So I'm sat there looking at Twitter and after a while I see this tweet popped up and it's from someone calling himself Lippy Kid and lippy kid says i think that was a no adam smiley emoticon

so i think uh-oh lippy kid's actually at the q a he has seen my question being put to brian eno and he has replied after seeing his reaction i think that was a no. So I'm thinking, Eno has just rolled his eyes at the question, for whatever reason. Maybe he thinks it's totally facile. Maybe he's sick of being asked it. People say it to him all the time. Maybe he's already covered that ground in the lecture. Maybe, at some point, someone has shown him the video that I put on YouTube. at some point someone has shown him the video that I put on YouTube. My little sketch about Bowie and Eno and Tony Visconti recording in France for the album Low. And maybe he didn't

think it was at all funny. And he's just thinking, don't ask me a question by that tedious stalker, man. Because I've got form irritating musical geniuses. Once on Radio 2, of course, I irritated Paul Weller by saying, Paul Weller, Weller, Weller, ooh, tell me more, tell me more. He didn't think it was funny at all. I thought it was the most prattish thing he'd ever heard and made it very clear. And so I thought, I've just, I've just irritated Brian Eno as well. I don't care about Paul Weller, really. But I would be gutted if every time that I listened to some Brian Eno music now, all I could think was, Oh, he thinks I'm a prat.

For my stupid question. So I tweet back to Lippy Kid, trying not to sound too seriously upset, and say, Oh, he didn't like my question, but I tried so hard. Perhaps I tried too hard. And Lippy Kid replies and tweets, I got it, but I think you caught him in the cool down. Winky smile emoticon. So that made it even worse. I'm sure you weren't trying to make it worse, Lippy Kid, but this is how it got filtered through in my brain. Oh no, this is awful. You know, he's frazzled after doing a

long serious talk and then he gets broadsided by this stupid question from silly Adam Buxton and that is the last thing he needs. Damn it. So later on that evening, I start listening to the actual lecture, you know, with trepidation in my heart, because I don't want to get to the part where my question is read out and hear the moment that Brian Eno literally or metaphorically rolls his eyes and says, can we move on to a proper question? And it's a very enjoyable talk, typically interesting and erudite, talking about the arts and culture saying that it's very important for art not to become merely an industry a series of figures part of this country's gdp as some politicians would prefer that it was and actually we're all involved with being creative

and art tends to come out of a experience of community. It was very interesting. There was lots of stuff to think about in there. And at the end of this talk comes the Q&A. And Mark Radcliffe says, OK, let's take some questions from Twitter and from the audience. Here's one question that someone sent in via Twitter. Here's another question that someone sent in via Twitter. Here's another question that's come in. Although as an artist you abandon your work to the appraisers, do you value what is said by those who are not artists?

Mm, mm, yeah. I mean, he's basically just saying, do you care about critics? But still, nicely worded question, better than Buckle's clumsy question. So I listen on, becoming increasingly sad, when I hear this. There's a question from Adam Buxton. Oh, there's a question from Adam Buxton that's come in. And it says, do you worry

the freshness in approach that comes with being a non-musician is in danger of being replaced by skill? Well, it hasn't happened to me yet. No. Wait, what? well it hasn't happened to me yet no wait what that was that was fine that went great one of my heroes he said i don't know if you heard that but i'm just pointing it out for you in case it was lost under mark radcliffe reading out the question there. So that ended up being one of the best nights of my life, listening to that. And, of course, that's no guarantee that if I ever was to meet Brian Eno,

we would get on like a house on fire. I don't know. But at least I can continue to listen to his music with joy in my heart instead of sadness at my perceived prattish behaviour. Right, after that lengthy Brian Eno-based detour to celebrate myself, let's get on with this week's podcast, which is more of me. Oh, I'm sorry, next week I'll be talking to someone else, I promise you. Here we go on a cold safari. We are indeed drifting into the arena of the unwell.

It started yesterday. There was a tickle in my throat and I coughed, but it didn't go away. Last night I was watching television and I felt a tickle in the back of my throat and I coughed, but it didn't go away. Last night I was watching television and I felt a tickle in the back of my throat. I tried to shove it into my subconscious, not dwell on it. But this morning I woke up and the tickle was still there, only this time it was accompanied by the urge to clear my throat, maybe even expectorate. Nice. And now as the day wears on, I can feel my energy levels ebbing. So I'm worried that this is going to develop now over the next few days into some grim lingering cold. And the older you get, the more lingering they tend to feel. The other thing that's worrying me is that over the weekend, I cleared out one of the barns here in the Buckle Towers mansion out in the country.

And it, you know, there's just loads of old junk that gets piled up in there, old bits of wood and bits of scaffolding, any old crap, you know. And over the years it has become a popular hangout for the local pigeon community. They like to go in there and flap around and do plops over every single thing that they can see. Flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp, flipp And one of the reasons they are is because they do have the potential to carry disease and communicate it via their plops, I think. You know, you can get a nasty breathing infection, chest infection. Now I'm worried that I've got one from the pigeons because I didn't go in with sufficiently robust breathing apparatus. I should have gone in looking as if I was about to cook some crystal meth with Walter White. But instead, I just cruised in wearing my workman's overalls and didn't even think about breathing gear.

I'm insane. I don't want to get pigeon disease. That would be just an awful way to go, I think. He died of pigeon disease from the plops of pigeons. Flip, flip, flip, flip, flip. You're dead. Anyway, fingers crossed. We'll see how it goes this week. Illness diary. Dare to. Achoo! Warm breath with heat has been done. Achoo!

Illness diary, dear two. So yesterday, it was just a tickly cough and a slight sense of low energy-osity. Today, it's all those things, but a little bit more intense. So eggs properly laky. That's the technical medical term. My eggs properly laky that's the technical medical term my eggs are laky and uh yeah just kind of general rheumatic waves of of pain you know not intense it's low level i'm trying to make this sound more exciting. The illness diary. Basically, it just feels like a cold, right? But I'm encouraged at least by the fact that sometimes colds,

they will just come fully formed within about five hours from initial tickle to maximum I've got to get into bed. And that's not the case here. But in a way, I'm more slightly worried now that maybe this is not the cold and this is the pigeon disease. And this is the course that the pigeon disease takes. Well, we'll check in tomorrow and see what happens. You're practically brain dead as it is. So I can't see that a pathetic little cold is going to make much difference.

You're probably not even ill anyway. You're probably just lying to try and impress us. Day two of the illness diary. Okay, I'm not going to do the big brother thing anymore. It is the evening of day two. Exactly 48 hours since I first noticed a tickle in the back of my throat. The harbinger of oncoming cold flu slash pigeon disease. And now, after two days, I've had to take the Lemsip because I'm getting the aches and pains.

I cycled back from the station. I was in London doing Sean Keaveney's show on Six Music. I was in London doing Sean Keaveney's show on Six Music. And I took the train back to Norwich, cycled back from Norwich. And when I got home, I was absolutely screwed. I was really wracked with pain and overwhelmed with lethargy and, you know, had to go to bed. I went and curled up on the spare bed in my daughter's room while she played with her toys. And the boys, you know, because they're on holiday right now, so the boys had a mate over and they were running around having pillow fights

while my daughter played with her toys very loudly, I have to say. She's got a box of toys there there are some of the loudest toys I've ever been close to maybe my hearing was unusually sensitive because I was feeling poorly I don't know I order you to put it there. Dad? Yeah? Can you put these on her? Dad?

Uh huh? Are you still going to let me sleep here? Yeah. Why did you scream at me? I'm not going to let you sleep here. I'm going to put this on you. I'm going to put this on you. I'm going to put this on you.

I'm going to put this on you. I'm going to put this on you. I'm going to put this on you. I'm going to put this on you. I'm going to put this on you. I'm going to put this on you. I'm going to put this on you. I'm going to put this on you. I'm going to put this on you. I'm going to go to sleep? Yeah. Careful. Why did you scream at me? Come on Hope. Go on. Don't listen to him.

She can't play. Huh? She can't play. Yeah, she can't play but she can't hurt your sister. Are you alright Hope? Ow. I'll have to hit him again all right there you go that's been taught a lesson okay okay can you back him more harder

oh no that's fine he's been taught a lesson now come on but anyway a couple of hours in bed there, curled up, it was very nice, I must say, were useful, and now I feel a little bit better, even though I took another couple of pills. That's the thing, you're never quite sure. I resent the pills, though. Speaking of the pills, I resent the pill adverts, the cold and flu remedy adverts,

that imply you'll be fighting fit to go into work if you dose yourself up with the cold and flu remedy adverts that imply you'll be fighting fit to go into work if you dose yourself up with the cold and flu remedies. Because that's the main, oh, you've got to go to work. You can't miss work. Because what would happen? The world can't do without you at work for a couple of days. Wrong. I'm pretty sure the world can do without anyone for a couple of days, with the possible exception of Harry Stiles he's got you know hearts would actually break if he was away for a couple of crucial days there so he he needs Lemsip but apart from that I don't think there's anyone in the world who can't just go and curl up in bed for a couple of days. It'll make them feel much better.

It's what the body needs to properly recover. It's a good time to do some deep thinking. Maybe watch a few foreign movies with subtitles that you wouldn't normally watch if you were just having fun of an evening. You know, it's important. So that's the message on day two of this illness diary go to bed

having said that I'm now up and about I feel better after curling up for a couple of hours and now I'm out walking with doggles watching the sun set and it is very beautiful out here. So once again, I am very grateful to be alive.

Although if this is not flu and pigeon disease, it's impossible to tell how much longer that will be the case. Doggles, where are case. Doggles! Where are you? Doggles! There you are. Come here, Rosebag. Come here.

Hey, give us a cuddle while you can. I may be dead soon. Give us a cuddle. What would you do without me, rose dog? Eh? Off you go, hairy bullet. I've got chills. They're multiplying.

And now I'm losing the will to go to work. Oh, man. Dear three of the illness diary can't stop doing the big brother voice there and you can hear it's got to the nose now it's spread to the nose

it's streaming there's live streaming in my nose I wish there could I wish it would just buffer for a while but no I woke up this morning pretty early, snaffled a couple more cold capsules, and, you know, I don't feel too bad.

Maybe the achiness has subsided a little bit, but it's all in my nose now, and it's really streaming, and that's no good. I'm worried, obviously, about the voice. That's the main thing from my point of view as far as doing these shows next week goes. It doesn't matter if you're feeling rotten because something about the adrenaline of being on stage

cancels that out. And also you can take the flu pills and they help. But if your voice is knackered, that's very hard to get round. So my fingers are crossed. The other thing about the flu, of course, is that you're... I mean, I've talked about this a little bit with the pigeon disease, but your mind races as far as what else it could be. Because if you've watched enough movies about contagious diseases, then you'll know that a lot of the symptoms

of a cold kind of cross over with stuff that's a lot more serious. So whether it's Ebola or whatever disease it was in, contagion. You see contagion? Steven Soderbergh film, Jude Law is a kind of Julian Assange style, I think he was Australian, journalist, stirring it up and causing trouble while Kate Winslet and other major celebrities did their best to battle this contagion spoiler alert if you haven't seen the film and you wish to one of the tricks it uses

to surprise the audience is to introduce what seem like quite major characters played by very famous actors and then within minutes they're being zipped up in body bags. And there's one particularly unpleasant moment where Kate Winslet, playing a lovely doctor who's trying to stop the contagion, returns to her hotel room after having tended to a load of patients all day and, I suppose somewhat inevitably,

starts to sniffle and snuffle, looks in the mirror and sees her eyes streaming and realises that probably things are going to go badly for her but she's still hopeful that maybe it might just be a cold but it isn't and sure enough the next scene starts with zip kate wilton's all blue in a body bag which is a shock shock. It's no good. And it's an image that replays every time I get a cold. I think, ah, is it a cold or is it going to be zip? See you, Dr. Buckles. When you're ill, you can come to dread the night time, especially if your head is full of fever and snot. Half-formed thoughts bubble uncontrollably in the dark nebula of your mind.

They weave in and out of snatches of music, endlessly looping. And when it's not music, it's bits of dialogue from your favourite films. I will have this handsome tweed jacket and this pair of sporting woolen trousers. Now, what do you think you're doing? You want to throw your garbage? Throw it in a goddamn trash basket. What goes on in this town is none of your business. As long as I'm living here, it is. Then maybe you shouldn't be living here!

My hands felt just like two balloons Yes, Roger Waters, I had a similar thing when I was a child. Whenever I got a fever and I lay there for a while with my eyes closed, I would gradually become aware that my hands felt giant. Not so much like balloons, but as if I had massive kind of sausage fingers. And I would lose the ability to correctly judge the thickness of my sheets or the duvet. You know what I mean? It was extremely odd

and quite enjoyable in a way. Almost trippy. but then occasionally it would become uncontrollable, and I would yearn just to be able to feel normal again, and then it would become a little bit frightening. For years I wondered if I was the only person that experienced these kinds of sensations. And then the other day, I went on Twitter and asked if anyone had ever had anything similar. I waited for about 30 seconds, and then I got several replies from people saying, yeah, they had a similar thing. When they were young, too, it's quite common common in children they tend to grow out of it in

their teens it's known as alice in wonderland syndrome or todd's syndrome this is true by the way i'm not making this up um look it up some people think that it's caused by unusual amounts of electrical activity causing abnormal blood flow in parts of the brain that process visual perception and texture so there you go end of mystery isn't the internet great yo jay you'll be illary, day four. See, I've completely stopped doing the voice of the Big Brother guy now. So that's good at least. But that's the only thing that's improving. I had a very bad night. Hardly slept.

I had the crazy kind of looping fever dreams, although I don't think I've got a massive fever, which leads me to believe that this is actually a cold rather than flu. I've been checking online to find out what the actual difference between those two things is. You know, I've got a vague notion in my head, I think like most people, but I thought I'd check and where better to be sure of your medical facts than the internet. Don't know if you've been on the internet, it's a game changer. It's got absolutely everything on there. And one of the most valuable resources on the internet is of course the amazing medical stuff it's very easy and useful to diagnose yourself in all kinds of ways and you'll get an accurate assessment of what your medical condition is

without speaking to a doctor by simply reading random articles on the internet here is a well this is web md i mean that's that's an md That's an actual doctor on the web. So this is pretty good stuff. Flu or cold symptoms, this is an article on. When you wake up sneezing, coughing, you have that achy, feverish, can't move a muscle feeling. How do you know whether you have cold symptoms or the flu? That's what I want to know. Cold symptoms usually begin with a sore throat check which usually goes away after a day or two yeah that's true nasal symptoms runny nose yes massive check my nose it was as if someone had installed little taps up there last night and every now and again unpredictably those taps would just be switched on and just a little trickle of water would just come out. Well, I guess not water, something worse than water.

You wouldn't want a delicious, refreshing glass full of what was coming out of my nose, I don't think. I didn't really need to say that, but I did anyway. Symptoms, runny nose, yep. Congestion, yes, check. Along with a cough, yeah, I mean, the cough isn't so bad, by the fourth or fifth day, ah, so that might be what's in store for me today or tomorrow, fever is uncommon in adults for a cold, yeah, okay, so I don't have a massive fever, I don't think, but slight fever is possible, yeah, maybe, children more likely to have a fever with a cold,

with cold symptoms, the nose teems with watery nasal secretions. Yeah, that's absolutely accurate for the first few days. Later, these become thicker and darker. Ooh, sexy. Dark mucus is natural. I mean, that sounds like a line from a great sexy song, doesn't it? Dark mucus is natural, and does not usually mean you have developed a bacterial infection,

such as a sinus infection. Great, great news. Several hundred different viruses may cause your cold symptoms. Wow, that's wonderful. It's so cosmopolitan in my nose. How long do cold symptoms last? Usually about a week. During the first three days that you have cold symptoms, you are contagious. Uh-oh. This means you can pass the cold to others. Ah, stay at home, get some much-needed rest. Exactly what I didn't do.

I went to London and appeared on a radio program. Oh, I'm really sorry, Sean Keaveney and the staff at BBC Six Music. I hope you don't get my cold. If cold symptoms do not seem to be improving after a week, you may have pigeon disease and will most likely die. It doesn't actually say that, but I'm reading between the lines here. So what about flu flu symptoms usually more severe than cold and come on quickly they include sore throat fever headache muscle aches and soreness congestion and cough swine flu in particular also associated with vomiting and diarrhea nice yeah i don't think this is swine flu and i don't think it's just normal flu either. I think this is probably a cold. But they're saying a week to get properly better.

Flu can last up to two or three weeks. Oh man, I hope that's not what I've got. I don't think so. Finally, how do you prevent cold or flu symptoms in the future the web md says the most important prevention measure for preventing colds and flu is frequent hand washing hand washing by rubbing the hands with warm soapy water for 20 seconds i know what hand washing is. This helps to slough germs off the skin, apparently. Well, I suppose I knew that. But maybe I didn't know that it was the top thing to be doing, and maybe I could do more of it.

But this is presumably what has boosted the industry for those antibacterial hand gels. That fact that hand washing is the best preventative measure has resulted in people just thinking, right, well, I better stock up on preventative antibacterial hand gel. And there are many people who believe that that's a load of old cobblers. I don't know. Antiviral medicine may also help prevent flu if you've been exposed to someone with flu symptoms. What's antiviral medicine? Is it biscuits?

In which case, I should be sorted. Anyway, interesting facts there about colds and flu. On dear four... Oh, dear. We'll see how the rest of the day goes. But it's time for my pills. All right, WebMD. Oh, the snot has caked against my pants.

It has turned into crystal. Illness diary, day four, evening I'm in trouble now I've got to sort of dose up As regularly as I possibly can I'm jonesing for another dose of medicine Because the last one's worn off And I've got shivers and shakes and my chest

hurts from sneezing, you know, as if I've been doing some exercise or something. It's bizarre. It must be what it's like when you go to the gym, I guess, and you do sit-ups. it's like when you go to the gym, I guess, and you do sit-ups. Well, it's not very nice, and it's exactly why I don't go to the gym and do sit-ups. And I'm all shivery. So this is more like what was described as flu by the WebMD earlier on. I don't know if it's just the cold, one of the transition phases of the cold. I'm hoping it's not, you know, I'm in for the long haul flu thing, the two to three week scenario, that's no good. Oh this is awful, I've turned up the heat and I'm shivering. And this is just a cold as well, or flu. Like it's the most lame thing a person could have, really, isn't it?

In the world of illnesses. But I don't... It's, it's no fun at all. Oh, right. I'm going to go and snort some Lemsip. Here we go. Cunio Straight. It makes your hands feel balloony. It plays tricks on your brain. You get a tune in your head and it plays on a loop, round and round. Dear five of the illness diary, and I'm pleased to say that I think I am over the hump. Last night, evening of day four, was the worst night yet. Shivers and aches and pains and a very restless night. Feverish dreams and those loops, those kind of half-awake loops where you're not sure if you're dreaming or not, and you can't get out of the rut of imagery that you're stuck in. For me, it was inspired by this documentary that I'd watched about Steve Coogan going on tour in Australia earlier in the evening, and for some reason,

my feverish thoughts in bed that night were about the process of clearing out the auditoria after his gigs and checking all the seats for animals, ensuring that no animals had been trapped in the temporary seating. It was just nonsense. Accompanied by these weird sort of chanting bits of chanting loops in my mind and it was just awful and it seemed to go on you know you weren't quite sure if you were awake or asleep and every now and again you'd you'd get up and go to the toilet and i don't know why i'm saying you you weren't doing any of this. It was all me. I was going to the toilet, blowing my nose, maybe having a bit of Lemsip. Anyway, the main thing is that fingers crossed, it seems to be the, uh, final stages of this

cold that I've had this week. So much so that I've actually just gone out and had two pints of alcoholic beer with a human friend of mine, which was pretty nice. So unless I wake up tomorrow morning right back in the cold hole, I'm optimistic. Hooray!

How great it is to I mean it's almost worth getting ill to get over it, isn't it? That's the way I'm thinking about it for the time being Hooray! Dear Five Day six

of the illness diary, nearly a week since I first felt that tickle in the back of my throat. And what a week it's been, a week of challenges and travails, both mental and physical, that I've endured with great fortitude. This cold, this flu, this pigeon disease, whatever it was that invaded my body, has not been able to kill me, and here I stand. I'm a trooper. I've been through something

pretty intense this week. I mean, people get cold, sure, but I don't think they're as bad as the ones that I get. I wouldn't say that publicly, of course, but it's what I feel. I think it's probably true. I'm a stoic, and that's why I'm here, out on a blustery Saturday afternoon, Saturday afternoon, walking with Rose Dog. I say walking, I have got nil energy. It feels as if all the energy has been sucked out through my feet, and I am just like an extra from Shaun of the Dead here, trudging after Rose Dog on the path. I am Barnaby Trudge. It's a Greek tragedy out here. Just putting one foot in front of the other because I've got absolutely no reserves of energy. I don't know if it was I sweated it out last night.

I had a very sweaty night. Part of the process of getting better, I think. I feel as if your body sweats all the bad stuff out. I was sweating so much I felt I had to go and use the spare room. Didn't think it was fair on my wife to share a bed with someone all sweaty and germy. That's no fun. Almost as bad as sharing a bed with someone sweaty in German. There's a little light racism there. It's just a joke. And, oh man. I had three t-shirt changes in the night.

Because of the level of sweating I was up to. And even then, the sheets and the duvet, they got damp. Flipped the duvet around a couple of times to try and get the dry side. But then eventually, it was awful. And now I feel wrung out. Like an old sponge cloth. A German sponge cloth. A German sponge cloth. But I'm alive, and that's the main thing.

I continue to survive against all the odds. Because I'm a trooper. And it seems like, and it feels like, and it seems like, and it feels like, a brand new day. A brand new day. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. A brand new day. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This is an advert for Squarespace.

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Well, that's pretty much it for the Adam Buxton podcast, episode three. Thank you so much for listening and downloading. I do hope you enjoyed it. Next week's self-indulgent chat ramble, I'm glad to say, will involve another human being, although I can't say for certain which. It won't just be me, though. And I can promise you that there will be at least half a new James Bond theme song in next week's episode. A few people on Twitter listened to Sam Smith's new song for Spectre,

the new Bond film, and suggested that I might like to have a go myself and see if I could improve on Sam Smith's efforts. Well, I've come up with something pretty dramatic and I'm going to unveil it next week on the podcast, so listen out for that. As far as this week's episode is concerned, I will post on my SoundCloud page a link to that video of David Bowie and Brian Eno

and Tony Visconti working on Low in the studio, at least the animated version thereof, with voiceover by myself, in case you haven't seen that. And I will also list the little bits of music that I have used in this podcast episode. I can already feel a bubble of Twitter-shaped indignation about some of the things I have said about the pigeon community in this podcast. And I went online to try and investigate further about the whole business of pigeon disease. And one of the things I came across was a website that has a response from the department of health in the uk an officer of london wildlife protection wrote to the department of health in the uk in 2013 to check the real risk of pigeon poop to human health and she was told that the department was not aware of any cases of human infection arising from contact with pigeon droppings. I now quote part of their reply. We are not aware

of any cases of human infections associated with contact with pigeon feces. By the way, the word feces is going to be used a lot in the next few seconds, so prepare yourself for that. going to be used a lot in the next few seconds so prepare yourself for that whilst wild bird feces including pigeon feces can present a biological hazard from infections such as as campylobacter and salmonella as campylobacter sounds fine via fecal oral transmission brackets i.e when contaminated bird feces is accidentally swallowed, because that can happen, there is limited documented supportive evidence for this occurrence. The use of simple hygiene precautions, especially hand washing, which we covered earlier in the podcast,

after touching potentially contaminated materials and before eating or drinking should reduce the risk of infection via the fecal-oral route. So short version, try to avoid licking or eating pigeon feces, and that should dramatically reduce the risk of you getting pigeon disease. I apologize if any members of the pigeon community were offended by my comments earlier on in the podcast or found them ill-informed and negative and I do hope that myself and the pigeon community can continue to work together in some degree of harmony in the future but that's it for me for this week and if you're ill I hope you feel better soon take care

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