THE ADAM BUXTON PODCAST - EP.62 - ADAM & JOE

Episode Date: December 25, 2017

Adam enjoys a (fairly) family friendly festive talk pudding with Joe Cornish. Gifts are exchanged, the Queen speaks, Eggcorns are munched, messages are read out, slivers of information about Joe’s new film are extracted and the Tom Cruise Doodle Story makes an unexpected (partial) comeback!Adam Buxton’s Old Bits DVD is out now from gofasterstripe.comThanks to Séamus Murphy-Mitchell for production support. Music & jingles by Adam Buxton Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

boing rose what are you doing come on i'm just gonna do a christmas poo and then i'll be right with you good deal Good deal. Whoa! Smacked right into the recorder there. In her eagerness to get out into nature, this beautiful Christmas day. Well, it's Christmas day for you, listeners. It's actually Christmas Eve for me. Rather dreary day out here in Norfolk. for me, rather dreary day out here in Norfolk, but I don't care because I'm infused with the joy of this time of year. We're going to get into the podcast in just a second, but right now here's a special version of the podcast theme. Now this was sent to me via SoundCloud by Johnny Coxon. He recorded his five-year-old daughter, Edith,

singing an a cappella version of the podcast theme. And I found that my heart was warmed by it when I listened back to it, as did my wife. I especially liked the way that Edith delivered the line, found some human folk. Anyway, I thought it would be nice to start with that, seeing as it's Christmas. Take it away, Edith delivered the line, found some human folk. Anyway, I thought it'd be nice to start with that, seeing as it's Christmas. Take it away, Edith. This is Edith Coxson and I'm five years old.

I added one more podcast to the giant podcast bin. Now you flick that podcast out and started listening. I took my microphone and found some human folk and I recorded all the noises while they spoke. My name is Adam Buxton. I'm a man. I hope you enjoy this as a plan. Hey, there you go. Thanks very much, Edith and Edith's dad, Johnny, for sending that over. Merry Christmas to you both. And Merry Christmas to you, podcats, or happy seasonal area, if Christmas isn't your thing, for whatever reason.

I hope you're having a good day, though, wherever you are and whoever you're with. Some of you will be listening to this on the 25th of December, 2017. Some of you will be listening to this on the 25th of December 2017. Some of you will be listening at some point thereafter. If that's the case, I do hope the future is behaving itself. It's been fairly naughty, the future, recently, hasn't it? But part of it's been banished to the past, so let's see if the future can pull its socks up from now on. As you may have gathered, this podcast, episode 62, features a festive ramble between myself and Joe Cornish, who, as well as being my friend for around 35 years now and my professional comedy wife for over 20 years off and on, he is, of course, a writer and a director of feature films.

Well, one so far. His 2011 debut, Attack the Block, featured world-conquering talents like Jodie Whittaker, who we will be seeing stepping into Doctor Who's TARDIS boots in 2018. Very exciting. And, of course, Attack the Block introduced many people to John Boyega, now star of stage and screen,

and, of course, galaxies far, far away. OK. As I speak, Joe is in production with his second feature as a writer and director, but I managed to winkle a tiny bit of information out of him as far as his new film is concerned. Not much, though. Regular listeners may recall how cagey Joe was a couple of years back

with his anecdote featuring Tom Cruise and a doodle. Well, strap yourselves in, because the doodle story makes a slight return this year. Exciting. We also exchanged some wonderful gifts and I say wonderful in very large inverted commas, swapped one or two mainly movie-based cultural highlights from the year and read out a few messages that you kindly sent in via my blog. Incidentally, thank you very much indeed to everybody who sent stuff in. Sorry if your message doesn't get read out in this podcast, but please rest assured I read every single one

and was entertained and appalled and moved by many of them. So thanks a lot. But back to Joe. These days I get to see Joe much too rarely. He's very busy. I'm hundreds of miles away in a field with Rosie. So it's difficult. And when we do hang out, it's usually, you know, with friends or at some sort of film-related event. And I hardly ever get to go around to his house in

South London so it was a real treat to hang out with him there for this podcast in his natural environment for a change. Oh mate it's a bit wind windows out here. We sat in Joe's kitchen on quite a dreary Sunday a week ago but we got the fire roaring softly and the Christmas jukebox pumping very quietly and we enjoyed some seasonal waffles which incidentally I have awarded a family rating of 12a for brief but not severe bad language moderate queen and discreet doodle story. But no fact-checking Santa, now that I come to think of it. He's off checking facts in the Bahamas or whatever. I will be back with some final seasonal waffle at the end of the podcast, but for now, here we go! Ramble Chat, a Christmas ramble chat. We'll focus first on this, then concentrate on that. Come on, let's tune the vat and have a ramble chat.

Put on your fluffy winter coat and find your Santa hat. Well, the last time I was sat in this kitchen was a dinner party. Yes. I was sat in this kitchen was a dinner party yes and one of the guests was Anna Kendrick who was then I think going out with Edgar Wright right so Edgar was there and Paul King the director of the Paddington that sounds like one of my dinner parties yeah my soirees that's right all sorts of influential glamorous people and Paul King was in production, early stages of production, with the first Paddington movie. Paddington, yeah. And almost as one, the dinner party, so I interrupted you there.

No, no, I interrupted you. I did a tiny bit of writing with Paul on the very first Paddington. Oh, yeah. We sat down, yeah, and talked about it when he very first started it. Maybe that's why he was there that night then. Probably. But I do remember, maybe you remember remember this differently at some point someone said like so how are you going to do paddington i mean you're not going to do like a cg bear that would

be terrible who said that everyone and so everyone was like yeah no cg paddington that would be awful rubbish and it was almost like a sketch because after the barrage of contempt for the idea of a CG Paddington calmed down, Paul then sort of said, oh yeah, we are going to do CG. Which is slightly what happened with the first film, isn't it? There was a lot of scepticism about it. And there was quite a lot of scepticism

after the first trailer. Not from kids, but from from cynical hardened movie types yeah but then the tables turned in a massive styley hearts began to melt hearts melted and they and everyone realized he was right all along and he did an incredible job he because i was so convinced in my stupid little mind yeah no cg it's going to be horrible it's going to be grotesque but that's a good sign don't you think yeah if people are anticipating something that's coming out and they've got the wrong idea about it or they assume the worst. Yeah. Then you can just be quietly confident.

He didn't look quietly confident. Didn't he? No. He looked like, oh dear, is this a bad idea? Well, that's probably quite a good way to approach it as well, don't you think? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, he had the last laugh, didn't he? He's laughing all the way to the marmal well, don't you think? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, he had the last laugh, didn't he?

He's laughing all the way to the marmalade sandwich shop. To Timbuktu. To Timbuktu. No. Is it Timbuktu? Wasn't he from Timbuktu? Dark as Peru, mate. Dark as Peru.

Not Timbuktu. Not Timbuktu. That is well offensive. I apologise. That's Geoffrey the giraffe. Who's Geoffrey the giraffe? I don't know. It's just a different children's book. Hey, man, you're actually working on a film

right now sure because Joe Cornish likes to play his cards very close to his chest very close to my chest I wear a little bra made out of playing cards

that's how close I play my cards to my chest it's like a flat jacket a little knickers and a bra made out of jokers instead of the hurt locker

is it the hurt locker sure with all their special bomb gear jay corn just has a vest made out of all the cards of exciting things that he doesn't want to tell anyone about it's true he's got them all taped to his chest anyway can you tell us what you're up to what you're working on it's a film called the kid who would be king and it's like a family adventure film is there anything else you can tell us about it or is that it I can tell you the cast

uh huh it stars young Louis Ashbourne Circus who is did you just make that name up no Ashbourne Circus yeah Circus

oh Circus yeah not like a circus boy Angus Imrie Tom Taylor right you were in it Adam Buxton you came and did

a little cameo role in it yeah it was a really fun day it was a sunny day, wasn't it? Beautiful day. You couldn't have asked for a more cinematic day. Beautiful clouds. I think I even said to someone, maybe the DOP,

you won't have to CG the clouds in now because you've got them all. You're not going to have to do anything to the background. That's what the DOP is called, CG the clouds. He's a big American DOP. Yo, CG. CG the clouds. Yeah, the DOP is called. CG de Clouds. He's a big American DOP. Yo, CG. CG de Clouds. Yeah, the DOP is Bill Pope. Who was the DOP on The Matrix.

Yeah, and Evil Dead. You know, the one with the skeletons. Army of Darkness. Army of Darkness, right. Yeah, and Baby Driver. Good one. Do you do all that bullet time? Bullet time.

Did he invent bullet time? Did he invent bullet time? Did he invent bullet time? I don't know. You should ask him that. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. I know that he's currently regrading the Matrix movie, the first one, because it's going into the Library of Congress.

And they thought it was too green. The first movie I ever watched on the first projector I ever bought. DVD. Was the Matrix. And it was incredibly exciting to finally have a projector at home. And I remember I had just started my relationship with my wife. Although she was not at that point my wife. I said, we're going to watch a movie at your flat.

And it's The Matrix. It's only just come out. She must have been thrilled. She was thrilled. And it's the Matrix. It's only just come out. She must have been thrilled. She was thrilled.

So I put on the Matrix. And I spent the next hour fooling around with the settings on the projector. I thought you were going to say something else. Because it looked all green. Really? Yeah. Why does it look so green? That's not right.

I was about to take the projector back. Well, you should tell that to CJ DeClouds. CJ DeClouds. But you had a fun time, right? I had a great time, and it was very exciting to watch you working. Direct, yeah. It must have been sort of powerful. I've never seen you in full director mode. A little bit arousing?

Yeah. A tiny bit arousing. I would say also, well, you tell me. You can be sincere for a second here. What was it like directing me? Because I didn't nail it in one take. You didn't? Also, I had ideas.

You did have ideas? I came... I encourage you to have ideas. Sure. I encourage you to improvise. Am I allowed to say who I was playing? I think we should keep that card next to our nipples. All right, all right.

Anyway, I had ideas about my character. It's Batman. You're playing Batman. I'm playing Batman. It's Batman. I told ideas about my character. It's Batman. You're playing Batman. I'm playing Batman. It's Batman. I told you about my ideas for the character and you shut them down immediately. Did I? Yeah.

No, we're not going to do that. But we'll do it like this. No, you wanted it more naturalistic. Yes. I was suggesting sort of funny voices and over the top acting. Yes. But you said, no. No.

That's not what I want. Well, what I did really worked because it's good. Am I still in it? Sure, you're still in it, yeah. You are still in it. What about my improvised line? That is not in it.

Oh, you're joking. At the moment. But it's early days. Because that got a big laugh. From the extras. From everyone. It's not in it right now, but it might end up in it

Come on You never know Test audiences might demand more Yeah I should say who else is in my film Yeah, yeah, yeah Sir Patrick Stewart Is he?

Yeah How's Pat Stew? He's lovely He's a close personal friend Shut up, is he really? Just been working with him And Rebecca Ferguson And Denise Goff

Goffy She's brilliant She was in a play called People, Places, Things. Yeah. She's fantastic. Did you tell her we'd done a sketch called People, Place? I didn't. That didn't occur to me.

I didn't. I'm sure she would have gone, oh. That would have been a good conversation. Oh, really? And then I would have got my phone out and spent ages downloading it. And have you cast anyone in it who is going to be disgraced in the next few months? You. You're in it.

That's true. That's who my money's on. Hey, well, listen. Do you remember ages ago I told a story on the radio about how I'd been at a festival in London? I think maybe it was called the Download Festival and it happened in Hyde Park. Right. And Alexa Chung came up to me and said how much she liked the radio show

that we were doing at the time. Yeah. We ended up sort of palling around for a little bit. She'd been doing some presenting and we went and got a drink and had a little chat. I mean, it must have been 10 years ago at least. A long time ago. and then later on i was sort of she she was off doing something else and uh i was kind of wandering around vaguely bumping

into people i'd had a few uh fizzy drinks by then and i saw her over with Kate Moss and David Walliams. I know Walliams a little bit. I don't know Kate Moss. Anyway, she was talking to them. And so I did the thing that we used to do at school sometimes of walking up behind someone and just putting your hand on their ass. Not as a sort of sexy thing, but just like this is a weird thing to do. Yes.

So I did that and she spun around and and glared at me yeah like don't do that don't do that it's we were at an all boys school yeah it's probably different well it is yes because you see and and i mean not that different to support my case i mean look clearly that is not cool behavior as i realized in that moment and i wasn't in any way doing it as as any kind of sexy thing obviously i mean maybe not obviously but i wasn't because i did the same thing to johnny greenwood um not long afterwards when i saw him after a radio he didn't He liked it. He didn't like it either. He didn't like it either.

No. And then I stopped doing it. You stopped doing it. That's a good, it's a cautionary tale. Because I learned my lesson. Yeah. But I was thinking, would Alexa Chung be within her rights to suddenly come out. It's over.

It's over. It's over. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No. No, no, no, no, No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No. Okay, here's a gift.

So, listeners, oh, this is heavy. That's heavy in lots of ways. It's wrapped in happy birthday Jesus paper. It's pink paper with little cupcakes on it. And it says J-Corn, which is, of course, my street name. So, what have you got? Well, this is an extraordinary present. There's three elements to it.

The first element. I mean, this is a really powerful present, this. The first element is like an Adam Buxton podcast T-shirt. Wow. It's one of the ones. Part of your merch drive. Yeah. It's one of the ones that's designed by Helen Green, who does the artwork for the podcast.

Wow. Genius. And could you wear it like under a jacket or something and just have the jacket hanging out? And so my. Yeah, I could. It's just my nipples have got bigger as I've got older. Is that happened to you? Well, everything's got big. It's just my nipples have got bigger as I've got older. Has that happened to you?

Well, everything's got bigger. So they just protrude more than they used to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got full breasts. I think one of them would be on the speech bubble that says, let's have a... And the other one would be on ramble chat. Those two speech bubbles would be sort of 3D

because of the giant nips. Because of the nipple protrusion. They're actually tiny and perfect. The T-shirt was keeping safe a glass object. This is incredible. Are you really giving this to me? Yeah, man. This is amazing.

This is a commemorative beer glass for the marriage of the Prince of Wales and Lady Diana Spencer on the 29th of July, 1981. What a year. What a year. What a year. What a year. And it says that, what I just said on it. And on the other side, it's got a picture of Charles and Di. From a happier time, a more innocent time. That is incredibly...

Are you sure? Yeah. This must be worth... Have you got lots of these? No. Are you excited about the wedding, though? Very, very, very, very excited. Harry and...

And Meghan. And Meghan. Yeah. Oh. It's super And Meghan. And Meghan. Yeah. Oh. It's super exciting, isn't it? Oh. What must the Queen be thinking about it? Oh, so exciting.

Yes. Oh, so cool, because it's a lovely couple. A lovely... Harry getting married to a lovely Meghan. Does Meghan... Meghan... What does the Queen think about, because it's a very modern marriage. She's in suits, innit? What? Suits very modern marriage. She's in suits, innit?

What? Suits. Suits? She's in suits. Oh, the TV programme Suits. I love it. It's my favourite programme, innit? She loves Suits.

I love the show Suits. And when they get married, because she's like a lot of famous people, Hollywood people, so I'm looking forward to a lot of, a lot of lovely, Lully, famous people coming round the house. You don't think the Queen thinks it's a little bit down market?

No. No. It's not down market. It's nice because she's bringing like a, it's like a prince and a showgirl, isn't it? It's very modern. Modern. I'm going to hang out with her mum and Lully

and we'll sit there and watch The Crown, all the episodes of The Crown. Yes. I could say, look at that. This is something I said once. Yes. Suicide crisis. Yes.

And R. Phillips said that. Then Laura, Lully, Lully, sometimes we're going to bring some new blood in it. Some new blood, yes. New blood into the house. Yes. An American. She's going to bring all that new blood into the house yes an american and she's gonna bring all that american stuff in the house like you know hamburger yeah can of coke a lolly lolly laura

laura lolly can of coke in the house in the palace yeah it's gonna be nice so I'm so happy for it Queenie's changed a bit no she's more articulate it's easier to understand what she's saying I'm gonna meet some little famous people from because of

Meghan because she's famous and so I might meet Philip Scarfield she doesn't think it's a bit trashy don't be a snob about it it's a little little couple

for the whole country bring them together hands across the ocean and maybe I might meet Nick Grimshaw but some people I'm being snobby about it. It's a lovely, lovely couple for the whole country. Bring them together. Do you think? Hands across the ocean. It's very naughty, isn't it? And maybe I might meet Nick Grimshaw. But some people thought that maybe, you know, the royal family weren't very keen on Diana and Dodie's romance. I know.

Because they didn't like the idea of, you know, Diana marrying Dodie. Oh. But you think the Queen is finally cool with them. I'm so cool. Yeah. Yeah, totally cool about it. Totally cool about it.

Now, it's a lullaby couple, because they're so nice together, aren't they? And that's a blind date. And that's nice, because she's a modern lady. And that's what we need. To keep the royal family relevant. She's not going she's a modern lady. And that's what we need. To keep the royal family relevant. She's not going to bring a bear. I don't want a bear in the house.

And that's not nice for the little leopold. It's dangerous. The queen might get mauled by a bear. I don't want to get mauled by a bear. Bearskin. All she was doing was keeping the royal family relevant. All right, thanks very much. That's the queen.

Can I give you a present? Yes, please. Here it is. Thanks, man. It's quite a big one, thanks very much. That's the queen. Can I give you a present? Yes, please. Here it is. Thanks, man. It's quite a big one, isn't it? It's quite exciting. All your presents are quite big. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So this is kind of groovy, striped crepe paper. Joe's given me a game. It's called Silly Sausage. And it's a big red plastic sausage. And it says 10 grilling games. It's got, yeah, 10 games. Twist me, stretch me, poke me, shake me, dip me. Press it.

Sounds like Friday night at the Buxton house. Press it. Silly Sausage, come on, play with me. Go on, play with it. Hang on, I've got to get him out of the box. Get him out. Alright. Calm down, silly sausage.

The aim of the game. Can you keep up with silly sausage by responding to his five commands of shake me, stretch me, twist me, poke me and dip me? Right, okay. So twist me, twist my head to the right Pull me, pull my top and bottom half apart Poke me, push my belly button Shake me, shake me up and down Dip me, push my bottom down Come on, play with me

Alright It's a big red sausage, right? You've got to describe to the listeners what it is I did What did you say i said it was a big red plastic sausage with a face with a face he's grinning at me he's got goofy googly eyes oh you see i think this is the sort of merch you should go into this is a this is a much my bearded yeah yeah all right here we go so i'm gonna push his

silly sausage hello silly sausage. Come on, play with me. I am. Stretch me. Stretch me. Poke me. Dip me. Dip me.

I did. Dip me. What does he mean, dip me? He means... Push my bottom down. Oh, right. Dip me. Stretch me.

Stretch me. Dip me. Poke me. Dip me. Stretch me. Stretch me. Dip me. Poke me. Dip me. Stretch me. Poke me. Poke me. Dip me.

Stretch me. Poke me. The look of joy on your face. It truly is Christmas. I'm just doing whatever the sausage tells me. You're so easily controlled by a plastic sausage. When will it stop? Never.

If you just stop, it explodes. It's the new movie from the makers of Speed. Don't stop. It'll explode. It's a good present. Is it a good present? Yeah, that's brilliant, man. It's a good present.

It does more than, you know, more than perhaps you might think. How about... Yes, it does. You've only scratched the surface. I was going to move on, but I thought... You've really only scratched the surface. សូវាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប� Attention. Cultural highlights.

Cultural highlights. From 2017. Sure. A thing that you enjoyed this year that you can recommend to the podcast. Legend of Zelda Breath of the Wild on the Nintendo Switch. Flipping heck, Tucker. Oh. And the Zelda games are very famous, right?

They've been going for years and years and they're sort of very absorbing. They're like studio Ghibli films. Right. Do you know what they are? Sure. They're like Totoro and Laputa castle in the sky and all those they're kind of like uh video game versions of those that's the nearest comparison i can think of but they're big open worlds with lots of little creatures to fight and dungeons to explore

and they're just it's just beautifully done and you know the thing about a good video game is it's not fatiguing. Poor old Teagig. Poor old Teagig. He's not allowed to play it. Yeah, I don't know. I can't play that game. Poor old Teagig. Sorry, Teagig. This is not for you.

But do you know what I mean? Yes. It's not repetitious. You don't really get stuck. You don't die all the time. It's not frustrating. You don't die all the time and have to go back over the same ground. Yeah, yeah.

It's properly absorbing. Because that's the thing about old school video games. That can break you out of a story. Oh, mate. Do you know? It really holds your hand beautifully and leads you in. It holds your hand,

then gently cups your testicles. Oh, that's my favourite kind of game. And pats you on the bottom from behind. That's not cool. When you don't expect it. That is not cool. No, it's really good. It's really good.

I also like Super Mario Odyssey, which is the latest Super Mario game. He's got a little hat with eyes on. Why are there eyes on his hat? Like a sentient hat. Well, because... He never used to have eyes on his hat. No, but he does now.

Why? Because then he can throw it onto things and they take over and then he takes them over. Does legs come out of the hat? Does legs come out of the hat? Do you know the ba-ba-bombs? The ba-bombs? Yeah, yeah, yeah. In Mario, right? The ba-bombs. you know the ba-ba-bombs? The ba-bombs? Yeah, yeah, yeah. In Mario, right, the ba-bombs.

You know all about ba-bombs. You love ba-bombs. Yeah. Do you remember the big black ba-bombs that come and get you in Mario? If he throws his hat on one of those, he becomes the ba-bomb. What? And you can pilot the ba-bomb and bang, bang, bang, bang, smash through stuff. Do you have to say ba-bomb?

I think that's what they're called. Aren't they called ba-bombs? I like saying ba-bombs. I've got a computer too. I'm going to look it up. No, it's a ba Bob-omb. I think that's what they're called. Aren't they called Bob-ombs? I like saying Bob-ombs. I've got a computer too. I'm going to look it up. No, it's a Bob-omb. Its name is Bob. Bob-omb.

Oh. Bob-omb. Wow, I've been playing those games for like 35 years and I've never realised it was called Bob-omb. Well. I thought it was Bob-omb. Bob-omb. I mean, you could say Bob-omb.

Bob-omb, Bob-omb, Bob-omb. Not only could I say ba-bom. I have been saying ba-bom. You have done for 30 years. For 30 years. Anyway, that's a good game as well, Super Mario Odyssey. What about one of your cultural highlights? Here's a movie one that I saw Ian Lee of I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here fame tweeting about.

And he was on his way back from the jungle. And he was saying, I've made a lot of bad film choices on this flight but the only one i'm happy with was brigsby bear no do you enjoy brigsby bear i saw that on the plane coming back from los angeles liked it a lot did you yeah i have not seen it i really liked it i didn't even i didn't know anything about it i'd read a synopsis that put me off it a little bit. I know a thing about it. What do you know?

I know that he's a bloke what lives in a very sheltered life. And his only experience of the world is through a cartoon show or a children's TV show called Brigsby Bear. Yeah. Then suddenly he's freed from his sheltered life. And he sees the world through the lens of Brigsby Bear, or something like that. Yes, no, he has been sheltered from the world for reasons that become clear very quickly in the film,

and then he is determined to find more episodes of his favourite show, Brigsby Bear, which is a weird kind of kiddie science show that he watches. It's the man from Saturday Night Live, isn't it? It's like a science version of the bush. I'm boiling the kettle,

listeners. Joe's boiling the kettle. It's what the weird noise is. It is Kyle Mooney from Saturday Night Live who also wrote it. It's got Mark Hamill in it. He played Star Wars.

He was Star Wars in Star Wars. And Greg Kinnear, who I always like. Have you seen Star Wars? Yeah. The new Star Wars. The new one, no. Yeah. No. Watch out always like. Have you seen Star Wars? Yeah. The new Star Wars. The new one, no.

Yeah. No. Watch out for me. Are you in it? Yeah. You stupid kid. So fleetingly. Is your face in it or are you in a mask?

No, my face is in it. Twice. Oh no, your face is in it. So fleetingly though. No, listeners. That's not what Buckles wanted to hear. They're very, very popular, those films. Apparently.

Did you know people are like obsessively, like obsessed with all the details of all the creatures in the world? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, some people are like... Come on. Some people are like heavy... You're pulling my leg. No, seriously. Some people will buy like spin-off toys and like books.

Shut up. No, it's true. That's sad. But you could be in a pod racing scene. Yes. Yes, if they bring back pod racing. Which they should at some point. I mean, that was the only part of that film people liked.

Hey, hey, hey. It's nonsense. Everyone's heavily into the prequels now. Are they? They've come back around, yeah. Have they? Yeah, people love them. Gosh.

Well, that's interesting, isn't it? But yeah, you'd be good pod adam buxton pod racing pod racing it would be me in one uh ricky gervais yes in another one and we'd run him off the road uh the the guys from dad wrote a porno yes in another one yes um the guilty. She'd be in her Guilty Feminist pod. Yes, and then Jar Jar Binks. And then Jar Jar Binks. Like getting electrocuted by your electrical fizz bits. Yeah. Brigsby Bear.

I recommend it. I'm going to watch it. Have you seen Colossal? No, I haven't seen that. That's the one where Anne Hathaway realises she can remotely control a giant monster. Yeah. I mean, I can't conceive of a more high-concept film.

And also it weaves it together with serious business about alcohol abuse and things like that. Really? Is it good? Yeah, it's a really odd film that shouldn't have been good, but really was. Here's two of my favourite European movies that I'm going to give you as a prezzy. Whoa! So this is called

Aquarius. Are they from this year? Yeah, Sonia Braga. It's about european movies that i'm going to give you as a prezi whoa so this is called aquarius are they from this year yeah sonia braga it's about a lady that lives in an apartment block on the beach her whole block is empty because the development company have bought everybody out because they're going to convert it but she doesn't want to move and uh it's all about all the memories of her flat all the stuff she's done in there and and how important the space is to her. And then it's about her war with the building company that are trying to get her out. And it's excellent.

Good one. I loved it. And the other one's called Graduation, and it's a Romanian film. And it's about a man who's trying to do the best for his daughter, get her into the best college in a very corrupt society where only who you know counts oh it's superb it looks to me like it might be a masterly complex movie of

psychological suffering it is don't read too much about them just pop them in and if you don't like them just switch them off but i have to say they were two of the um you know proper proper, like, gripping, gut-punchy, like, really good movies. Gut-punchy. Do you get on okay with subtitles? I do. Do you? Your wife doesn't? I don't want to characterise her as being anti-subtitles. Really?

She does slightly have to break through that barrier. Does she? Yeah. Because sometimes, if there's a lot of talking in a subtitled film, you don't have time to look at the people. Yeah. By the time you've read the words, your eye can't... Oh, what were they doing while they said that? Oh, I couldn't.

Went past too fast. And then if you're texting at the same time. If you're texting or if you're sexting at the same time. If you're sexting or if you're just Googling something else, then it makes it almost impossible. Or making a cup of tea or chatting to a friend over the garden fence. Exactly. That's my only problem with subtitles

if you're not looking at the screen is that it makes it so much harder to do other things it does doesn't it it does doesn't it the holiday horn

it goes do do do holiday time have a carrot have two carrots go to the toilet, take your time. Holiday time. Hi, Adam and Jo.

I'll keep it brief. A couple of weeks ago, I skipped a very safe red light off Hackney Road on my bicycle and was pulled over by two officers of the Metropolitan Police. Does it make it all right that it was a very safe red light? Not really. Not really. That's not up to you, is it? A red a red light red light's a red light mate but would you would do you skip red lights every now and then listen let's not get into i've done a lot

of things that i regret that you regret that i wouldn't do now and that's probably one of them the world's turned into like a judge dread comic strip it really is uh a couple of weeks ago i skipped a very safe red light off Hackney Road on my bicycle and was pulled over by two officers of the Metropolitan Police. Turns out I had to pay a 50 quid fine, to which I said I couldn't, to which they said I had to.

Anyway. That's the way the law works, apparently. After about three seconds of us looking each other in the eyes silently, I did what any upstanding citizen would do and attempted to escape this is rapidly uh deteriorating into a just a criminal situation i put my foot through my right pedal got about half a yard away and was seized by one of the officers he said look mate my sergeant's on the other side of the road so you're going to come

over here give me a fake name and ride away. Nice guy, right? Wow. So the police person let him off? Yeah, in a really nice way. He let him off after... He tried to bolt. He tried to bolt.

I mean, surely that is a really bad offence. Isn't it trying to run away from the cops? Trying to run away from a 50 quid fine. I mean, it's a lot of moral quandaries there. That sounds like one of the European films I love. Or a scene from a Michael Haneke film. So he thinks it's a very safe red light to skip. He's bending the law.

Everyone's bending the law there. That's Declan in Bristol. The law is bending. It's a lawless place, Bristol. Is it? There's all sorts of crazy stuff going on there. You've got to have a little bit of wiggle room with the law. With anything.

Don't you think? A little bit of wiggle room. with the law with anything don't you think a little bit of wiggle room a little bit of reasonableness yeah absolutely a little bit of just just allowing for human foibles yeah well it does once that vanishes then what you're living in a fascist state a police fascist hunter exactly i was gonna say but we're talking about cops who are able to make decisions but then there's the letter of the law. There's the letter. You've also got to obey the letter of the law. I mean, if you start misspelling the law or missing out some letters, then the law becomes gobbledygook.

This is like the moral maze. Oh, this is brilliant. Claire Fox, what do you think? Well, I think that, I mean, the law's there for a reason. So if you're not going to follow the law, what's the point? You should be arrested and chucked in jail. And I'm sorry if that's not what these Hoxton types want to hear, but that's the way it goes.

But then you're trying to find a hard and fast answer to a question that is asking whether there should be flexibility. And the answer is, of course, yes. Of course there should be Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh,, Prezi, Prezi, Prezi. Elvis Prezi. All right, here we go, here we go. It's a good one. It's CD-shaped, and it's wrapped in Chinese silver paper.

Recycled paper. Really? Yeah. From another Prezi that you gave to someone else once? it's a good one it's cd shaped and it's wrapped in shiny silver paper recycled paper really yeah from another prezzy that you gave to someone else once or something yeah somebody gave to you uh i can't even remember it was really no yeah it was a present it was a present someone gave to me and i saved i saved the paper like my dad used to and now i am uh pleased. I have to say, all my presents to you are wrapped in recycled paper. Are they? Sure they are. Oh. So I did a podcast with Thomas Dolby this year.

Yes. I have to say, I've listened to the beginning of it. Okay. I didn't have time to listen to all of it, but I want to. It's absolutely on my list. You're a busy man. I'm just being sincere. I absolutely want to.

He gave me a... Well, you got me into Thomas Dolby. Right. One of the many wonderful things that you got me into Thomas Dolby. Right. One of the many wonderful things that you've brought into my life. Yep, yep. Including Pre-Trap Sprout. But he gave me a signed copy of his album, Map of the Floating City. This is great.

Have you already got that one? No, I don't. Oh, that's good. I don't have a signed... I do have the album. I do not have a signed copy. Oh, well, there you go. Dubly, we love Thomas Dubly.

He's brilliant. And he was a very nice guy as well. Nice chap. Although he did seem to, when I asked him about Vinyl Justice, which we did with him, we went round to his house years and years ago and we were dressed up as silly policemen

and we went through his records and stuff and it ended up with you sat on his knee because he had a copy of Come to My Party by Keith Harrison Orville. If you come around at half past three, we can have a lot of fun. Then we can put some lights on the Christmas tree. Come to my party. And so we played the record and Thomas had to lip sync to it while you were sat on his knee. Was I operating him?

Was he operating me? He was operating you. Yeah. Because that was like a reference to one of his videos, right? Oh, yeah. Hyperactive. Hyperactive, where he operates a ventriloquist dummy of himself. Of himself.

Yeah. I forgot there was that element to it. Yeah, there was a bit of logic to it. Anyway, I asked him about it. I asked him if he remembered. And he was unable to disguise the fact that he clearly did not relish the memory. Didn't enjoy it. No, I think he...

His face clouded over. I think he felt humiliated by it. Many people did. In retrospect, that was the hallmark of that strand of the programme. Just bafflement. Britt Daniel from the band Spoon, one of my favorite bands, he emailed me out of the blue the other day to say he'd been watching Mark E. Smith on Vinyl Justice.

Oh, yes. And he particularly enjoyed the bit where Mark E. Smith was sat on top of you. Trying to kill me. Hitting you. Well, he put a plastic bag on your head and was then th of you. Trying to kill me. Hitting you. Well, he'd put a plastic bag on your head. Yeah. And was then thumping you. Yeah.

While smoking a cigarette. That was good. He was a good candidate. He was funny. He took it in the right spirit. Yeah. Who did? Very, very pissed.

Other people didn't really like it. Nobody really liked it. Did anyone like it? Mark Morris. Even Mark Morris didn't really like it. No one really liked it. Keris from Catatonia liked it. I think she kind of liked it. Kind of liked it. Did anyone like it? Mark Morris. Even Mark Morris didn't really like it. No one really liked it. Keris from Catatonia liked it. I think she kind of liked it.

Kind of liked it. I think people were suspicious of us. They thought that we were being horrible to them, which we weren't, really. No. The other thing in this bumper gift pack, apart from Thomas Dolby's CD, A Map of the Floating City, is it's the soundtrack CD for Disney's Beauty and the Beast

did you see that did I see that you've given it to me as a gift or have I seen the film have you seen the film with Emma Watson sure I've seen the film

yeah have you yeah what did you make of that there it was I liked it it was like the same it's like the same

but with live action my wife was very keen to see it was she it's very straight down the line your wife she's pretty straight down the line lady products yeah i mean it's easy to buy gifts for yes and no yes and no she can be there's elements of her she's sort of married to a big hairy beast man in some ways do you think is she waiting for you to transform

that's maybe why she likes the film so much only adam would transform into like a handsome hairless man like daniel what's he called dan stevens dan stevens if only adam would transfer it when will adam transfer it transform into dan stevens what is it that activates the transformation what is it true love uh it is true love when how is that when when he is able to love someone truly and they love him back yes then he transforms into dance when's that gonna happen i love her entirely so presumably she doesn't completely love me otherwise i would have become dan stevens so that's a bit worried really and then all your children are going to turn into household objects.

Yeah. Natty will turn into a Nintendo Switch. Yes. Frank will turn into a record player. Hope will turn into Sims 4. Does she like Sims 4? She loves it, yeah. But listen, the reason I got you that soundtrack album... Why did you got me that soundtrack album?

A, because I know you love the... You love a show tune. Do I? Do I love a show tune? You do a bit, don't you? Do I? You used to go around singing... I'm not going to let that pass.

I'm committed. You used to go around singing... Oh, Rumpelstiltskin. Cats and things. Mungo, Jerry and Rumpelstiltskin. What an extraordinary couple of cats. I love a show... Well, I was very young.

And I did see cats. And it was very impressive at the time. I mean, they came up from under the seats. You loved it. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that. I had an English teacher at school. I must have been at 11. Yeah.

And he came in one morning. He wore a little toupee. And he came in one morning and he just called off the curriculum for the day. And he came in one morning. He wore a little toupee. And he came in one morning and he just called off the curriculum for the day. And he said, class, we're not studying what we were supposed to study today. And in a very dramatic gesture, he just cleaned the blackboard, everything off it. And he drew a big circle. He said, today I'm going to talk to you about the most incredible theatrical production I've ever seen. It's called Cats.

He said, today I'm going to talk to you about the most incredible theatrical production I've ever seen. It's called Cats. And he proceeded to describe Cats and how they ran around and how they came out from under the seats. He didn't take you to see it? No, then, well, we felt compelled to go and see it after my English teacher's incredible review of it. I thought that was going to be, so he just reviewed it. And then he played the soundtrack in the class. Oh, okay. He played the soundtrack in the class.

But Beauty and the Beast did that. But I wouldn't say I'm generally into show tunes. Yeah. Because that is sort of suggesting a different sort of character. Not really. It's just suggesting someone with a wide appreciation of all forms of music and drama. All right, then. Which is how I think of you.

All right, then. Anyway, you know the song, right? Beauty and the Beast, the kind of main theme song. Yes. Here is a little bit of? Beauty and the Beast, the kind of main theme song. Yes. Here is a little bit of... Beauty and the Beast. Here's a bit of Emma Thompson playing Mrs. Tosspot. Teapot.

Tale as old as time True as it can be Barely even friends Then somebody bends unexpectedly What does she mean by somebody bends unexpectedly? They do something out of character. Right. In a charming way.

Right. And the theme comes back again in the closing credits. There's quite an elaborate closing credits sequence for this new Beauty and the Beast that came out this year, and they reprise the Beauty and the Beast song, and they've got a variety of artists on there, including Ariana Grande and John Legend, but listening to it,

I'm not sure if all of it was really in the spirit of the original. Listen to this bit. Yeah! Neither one prepared Beauty and the Beast Yeah, come on It's a tale as old as time Like this motherf***ing rhyme You're barely even friends Then one motherf***ing bends And you're both a little scared

You're neither one prepared And it's bittersweet It's strange to find you can change Just like the sun that rises in the east You got sent down But you're gonna be released It's a bit much, isn't it? It's a bit much, but it's very... It's like they've modernised it. They have modernised it. But the swearing is surprising.

It's too much. For children. For a kid's movie. But then things are changing. I mean, I know that's the way... Things are changing, Adam. The world is changing very, very fast. Very, very fast. And children. For a kid's movie. But then things are changing. I mean, I know that's the first way. Things are changing, Adam. The world is changing very, very fast.

Very, very fast. And for people of our age, it can be dizzying. It just makes me feel old. I know that children are just used to, not only are used to that sort of language, but find it heartwarming. Thank you. We're all in it together. Hello, good evening, and welcome. Frost on the window.

Eggcorns. Are you still into eggcorns? Of course I'm still into eggcorns. Who isn't? Who isn't? Here's one from Ross McMahon. Hasn't Ross McMahon written to us many times? Last year he did. Really? This is a follow-up.

He's our listener. Mr A. D'Amangio, I have spent the last year being carried shoulder high from free meal to free meal, never having to dip into my own pocket for anything, because last X-mas I was lucky enough to have my story read out on your podcast. It was about an egg corn my little daughter Molly said about wanting red unsalted crisps instead of ready salted crisps. I remember that one.

Red unsalted crisps. Can I just point out that she called them red unsalted not because of the colour of the actual crisps, but because Walker's ready salted crisps come in a red packet. I've waited all year to get this off my chest. Thanks, Ross McMahon. P.S.

Imagine my excitement last Christmas when I told my kids I had an extra surprise for them before letting them hear that bit of the podcast. Molly burst into tears because she thought her primary one class would all be laughing at her, and her big sister, Isla, stormed off in a huff

because she didn't get mentioned. Oh, dear. Imagine the pandemonium this year. Imagine the pandemonium this year. I know, it's like a meta problem now. Yeah. The thing about them being insulted has been read out. The thing about them being upset has been read out.

It's a kind of um inception of psychological hang-ups like a sort of very low-key slightly tawdry inception banal it's part of inception but you know molly should be proud and excited of course listen molly we should um we're not laughing at you we should put your fears to rest because i don't think any of your primary one class listen to the Adam Buxton podcast. You never know. That's too high an educational level. Isn't it? I had to think about it for a while.

And also, your big sister Isla has now been mentioned twice. So we've actually healed that problem. That's very Christmassy, isn't it yeah it's christmasy that wasn't really that was a that was a catch-up here's an egg corn for you this is from clara dearest count bucky lee's and corn balls old school i like it listening to your festive podcast has become part of our christmas tradition often during our drive from our home in norwich a local people to see seal pups at horsey not something i have done so far but i've been told in fact the last time i saw dermot o'leary he told me to go and see the seal pups you should go and see the seal pups i would like to it's

still on my list so i couldn't resist the chance to contribute do you like the way i dropped dermot o'leary into the yeah man you're you're moving and shaking oh yeah i saw continues clara this tweet from at bryce elder and thought of you both so she's reporting a egg corn that at bryce elder that tweeted right second hand egg corn second hand egg corn from bryce elder and he says heard a guy saying a basic website costs 10k or upwards of 25k if you want all the Belgian whistles. Belgian whistles.

That's it. That's a good one. What is a Belgian whistle? Blow it really hard to try and keep the Nazis away. Isn't that where they invaded to start the Second World War? No.

Poland. Belgium. I thought Belgium was neutral and that was the one oh god despite being neutral at the start of world war ii belgium and its colonial possessions found themselves at war after the country was invaded by german forces on the 10th of may 1940 does it say anything about belgian whistles it said the people who lived in belgium invented a whistle to try and stop the country from being invaded its high pitched noise was specifically tuned to keep teutonic ears at bay so it didn't do that much

good though did it unfortunately the whistles failed and as such they were all melted down a single belgian whistle was recently sold at auction for over 50 000 pounds so rare have they become hence the phrase would you like the belgian whistles silly sausage come on play with me stretch me hence the phrase belgian whistles being used to denote a very high cost and rare commodity. Ah! Poke me! Oh, God. I think you should beat me to death with the silly sausage.

Ah! Poke me! Dear Buckinghamshire and Cornwall. This is from... Ade Beaumont. Ade Beaumont. A male man. My friend Wotty, who was the roadie in our band, was the king of egg corns.

For example, at the end of a delicious meal in a nice hotel, Wotty wants us, the bemused waitress, to pass on his condiments to the chef. That's good. Excellent meal. Thank you so much. I, Wotty, would like you to pass these condiments to the chef. But are they his condiments? Has he bought them from home and puts them in his pocket so when he has an excellent meal he presents them to the chef? Yes, yes. It's a little token. Exactly. And they're personal has an excellent meal, he presents them to the chef. Yes, he always... It's a little token. Exactly.

And they're personal. They have his name monogrammed on the side. I think that might not be an echo. And I think that just might be something we don't know about. That's just how what he rolls. The bon vivants. Yeah. But generally, bon vivants carry some embossed...

Monogrammed... Monogrammed condiments. Condiments, so they can pass them to the chef. And they pass them to the chef. And the chef uses them. And they use them to make the salt. But pass them to the chef. And the chef uses them. A little bit of salt. But my favourite was when he referred to a saucy comment as a double Nintendo. These phrases passed into legend amongst the band, as well as our friends and family.

We often use them to evoke fond memories of Wotty and those great times we spent together on the road. Good egg corns. They're very good. Double Nintendo is very good. Oh, that's a bit of a double Nintendo. But what's he trying to get at there? An innuendo? Yeah. Where's the double coming from? Double entendre.

Double entendre. I'll tell you who's good at double Nintendos. Silly sausage! Come on, poke me! Unacceptable, incompetent and amateurish. Buckles, why are you still in your post? Pool pants. I say to you, pool pants, pool pants. I say again, pool pants.

Buckles tried to clarify that the language was a requirement, though he didn't sound sure. Pool pants. It's got to be pool pants. Pool pants. I don't know, maybe not. So do you want another present then? Sure.

This is for your wife. Oh, wow. Who likes the finer things in life. She likes the finer things in life. Joe's giving me a sincere face. This is for your wife. All right, so this is... He said it again.

What does that mean? What does that mean? It's Britney Spears perfume range. Yeah, it's not just perfume. Have a little look. It's a vaporisateur. Vaporisateur. Parfum spray, nail polish, and body lotion.

That's a lot of gift. VIP, private show. She's showing lot of gift. VIP private show. She's showing her privates. Britney Spears. It's a Britney Spears gift set. A perfume gift set. Look at Britney Spears. Is this modern Britney now?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is this year. This is this year. This year? This is the latest fragrance. This is what Britney Spears smells like. Whoa. When she, with her private show.

This is a VIP private show. Yeah, that stands for very important person. Yeah. And this is for me and my wife. Well, it's for your wife, but I think it's good that you're opening it and smelling it because this is the sexy smell of 2018. I want to check. I mean, I am going to give it to my wife. It's good because I hadn't got her anything yet.

Yeah. Oops, I'm going to have a quick smell smell. Yeah. Okay, the parfum, it looks like a large, precious stone. Yes, like a diamond. Like a beautiful, transparent diamond. What's it made of? Is it real glass?

Or is it plastic? I think it's crystal. They've hollowed out the diamond somehow, the crystal, and inside is some of her... Precious, precious. ...fluid. Precious pink fluid. Pink fluid. Have a little sniffles. I'm gonna have a sniff.

Describe the perfume. It goes through a lot of different phases. Let's have a squiff. Ooh. It's, a squiff. Ooh. It's, when it goes on, it's very sweet, like... A little bit of toilet duck. Well, it's a little bit

toilet duck and it's a little bit maw-am. It is a little bit maw-am. And now I'm getting notes of Haribo. Haribo. The Haribo eggs,

the little fried eggs. Yes, yes. But it also has got a little bit of viapu. Oui, il y a un petit peu de viapu, but also what there is a little bit of um vipu oui il y a un petit peu de vipu but also what there is is a bit of um a little bit of vodka cheap ever so slightly ever so slightly some vodka there's also some glittery stuff because there's three different products in there yeah and one of them is a sort of golden is that nail varnish yeah this is sparkly gold nail polish with a pink...

Nail varnish. Polish? Nail polish. Nail polish. What's the difference between a polish and a varnish? I think a varnish is supposed to have a protective quality to it that maybe polish doesn't. Yeah, it's like a tough... Yeah, I think if you use nail varnish, then you're going to be able to dig a grave with your hands and it'll still be fine.

Oh, doggy. You're not supposed to sniff that stuff, though. That just gets you high, doesn't it? That gets you high. I forgot about that. That's just like meths. That's like bubblegum meth. Yummy.

Save that for later. Kids, if you're listening, don't sniff any of mum's nail polish. What's the third product, then? Or dad's, because it's not cool for your health. What's the third thing in there? The third thing is body lotion. To give it its proper name, Les Poulacorps.

Les Poulacorps. Corpse milk. What do you do? She's very involved in sort of funeral processes processes oh my god that's grotesque why would you want to do that christmasy she's milked a corpse and she's i'm surprised oh see what you think but i think that that really is grotesque that's like it's like strawberry yogurt it's like yogurt strawberry yogurt man thank you so much it's quite a gift that is quite the gift you've given me there i'm just looking at her wikipedia

entrance she's been very busy her perfume radiance was reissued with a new fragrance entitled cosmic radiance worldwide spears sold over 1 million bottles in the first five years with gross receipts of 1.5 billion dollars what as of july 2014 spears has released 16 fragrances on june 17th 2016 spears announced the release of her 20th fragrance private show the freight the very fragrance that you now hold in your hand and will be gifting to your wife that's her 20th christmas day it's her 20th release of a fragrance it's the 20th time she's released a fragrance. She has secreted a fragrance.

Little scientists run around in her wake. How does she have time to milk all those corpses? Every time she does a guffer, they capture it in a jar and rush off to the lab. This one smells like haribo mixed with toilet dust. What does she say when she does a guff? She says, quickly, put it in a jar and sell it. Come on, mate. She says, oops, I did it again.

Oh, I'm sorry. You're listening to Adam Bickston's podcast. It's a brilliant and intelligent podcast. And you're intelligent to listen to. Congratulations to you. You don't have poopy pants or poopy pants. Oh, mate. Cornballs is showing me a picture of himself with Patrick Stewart.

That is not on. How has that happened? How about that one? That's a fun one. Ah, I love it. Hijinks. There he is, director on set. Hey, speaking of director on set, now that you're working on your second blockbusting movie... Sure.

...and your position within the upper echelons of the film community is assured, is it now time for you to tell us the tom cruise doodle story that one don't show me that i asked you a question i'll tell you a bit of the doodle story i'll tell you a little bit every year how's that please tell us the whole i'm going to tell you a little bit do you know what one of the biggest shows tv shows in the world is what stranger things Stranger Things. Yeah. Do you watch it? Sure. How much does that story advance every hour? Not very much. Incrementally.

Like, they'll do two hours on Rotten Pumpkins. All right. By the second hour, something shifts in a bin. Okay. So I'm going to tell you an incremental amount of the Doodle story every year, and it'll keep us in listeners for centuries. Here we go. I'm in a room in an office with Steven Spielberg,berg peter jackson simon pegg edgar wright

nick frost and me what year is this this is 2009 and you were working on tintin yeah and i'm fresh off the boat edgar's brought me in basically just to uh contribute to the script to sort of pitch to take over the script writing duties from steven moffat and we're just talking about ideas to compress the script because the draft's a bit long and so we have to figure out ways to sort of um compress the story and i'm pitching some ideas of combining some characters and stuff what kind of room are you in uh it's a little production office in um i think it's called giant studios one of the motion capture studios by the beach. In Los Angeles.

Yeah, in LA. Suddenly the door bursts open. Tom Cruise comes in. He goes, hey guys. And he looks around the room and in this really quite brilliant way, I think he immediately identifies that I'm the one person in the room

who he's never met before. Brilliant. And I'm quite starstruck. He looks me straight in the eye. He offers his hand. He says, hey, I'm Tom. I know your dog. Very excited.

I shake his hand. He sits down next to me. And then the sort of the business chat continues. They're talking about some other aspect of the production around me. But I'm doodling on a pad and I'm doing a doodle of Snowy the dog that's all I'm going to tell you

what? it's a cliffhanger a Christmas cliffhanger come back this time next year for part two of the doodle story well maybe if someone

writes me one of those emails like can I see the new Star Wars film before it's released cause I'm really really ill then maybe but even then probably not Wars film before it's released because I'm really, really ill, then maybe, but even then, probably not. Right, okay.

Because it's that exciting. All right, listeners. That's all you get of the Doodle story until Christmas 2018. Christmas 2018. Tune in again for part two. Come on. The Doodle story. Come on. That's the dude last time. This is very pretty paper.

It's little pink and blue flowers. It feels like a book, listeners, or some sort of pamphlet. Now, this is something I... I have all my dad's possessions still. And that's something I found with all his books this is excellent this is uh it's more than a pamphlet but less than a book but it's called the spoken word a bbc guide by robert birchfield chief editor of the oxford english dictionaries so this presumably is an official bbc publication given to their broadcasters to tell them how to speak exactly say english correctly

how to pronounce certain words where to put the stress do you remember that my dad would always pronounce certain words in in rather an odd way and now i do too like for example he would always say instead of necessarily he would say necessarily yes which is the correct and that is one of the words in there in this handbook where they actually say that you've got to run the consonants together almost. It's got a long introduction. Avoid the American is one of the key rules. Here we go. That's something my dad underlined.

Really? Yeah, the underlinings are his. Not necessarily. So this is the thing exactly that I mentioned. In the formal presentation of the news or of other scripted speech, avoid the American R or air. So you say necessarily, not necessarily. You say temporarily, not temporarily. yeah this is how the bbc said that you were supposed to pronounce those words you know why do you know one of the reasons

i think this kind of thing is fun when one gets a bit older is because uh talking gets a bit boring yeah because you said the same words over and over again so many times. And it's fun to figure out new ways to say them. For words ending in a-ity, such as deity, homogeneity, spontaneity, use the sound in C. Deity, not the sound in say. So you say deity, homogeneity, spontaneity. Spontaneity? Apparently. You just have spontaneity. Spontaneity? Apparently.

You just had to be Australian. Spontaneity, mate. According to the BBC guide. I'm having some Christmas choccy. Nice one. Do you want some? Yes, please. Thanks, man.

Envelope. First syllable as in ten, not as in on. So not envelope. Not envelope. I say that right. Yeah. Exquisite. Stress on the first syllable.

What else would you say? Exquisite. No. You're supposed to say exquisite. That's what I said. Is it? Yeah. No, you said exquisite.

Exquisite. Exquisite is what you're supposed to say you're right fifth fifth the second f fully pronounced oh really you've got to pronounce this right homosexual first syllable as in tom that's right i remember my dad used to say homosexual tomosexual yeah that's the way to remember it exactly for. For Tom York. Hospitable. Stress on the first syllable. Hospitable.

Is that right? Hospitable. Hospitable. Yeah. Like hospital. Take me to hospitable, please. I'm overly polite. Hotel.

The H to be pronounced. Because some ponces would say... Hotel. Hotel. Will you to be pronounced. Because some ponces would say... Hotel. Hotel. Were you right? Yeah. Exquisite. Exquisite. Exquisite.

Exquisite. Exquisite. Is how you're supposed to pronounce it. Exquisite. How do you think you pronounce... Fat miel. Was exquisite. That miel. Fat miel. Was exquisite. That meal.

That meal was exquisite. This restaurant is my best. Secretory. Secretory. Secretory. Now we're back to the toilet trouble. Is secretory not sec-y tree? Or sec-y tray-ty?

It's secretary, not secretary. Secretary. Yeah. Yeah. I'm all right on that one. Trait. The final T is silent. Really?

Tray? What? That's what it says here. The final T in trait is silent. Well, what that's what it says here the final T in trait is silent well what a book this is going to really turn me into a complete prick a complete pry is that real melody? Have you seen my phone charger? I left it right there. Did you see it? Have you got it?

Where's my charger gone? Where's my phone charger? The battery's about to die It was on the table Round and round in their heads Go the chord progressions The empty lyrics And the impoverished fragments of tune And boom goes the brain box

At the start of every bar at the start of every bar at the start of every bar boom goes the brain box my eldest son who is 15 the other day announced that he would actually like to take us up on the offer that we've been making for a while now for him to have a house party because we're very lucky we've got lots of space out where we live we've got it we've got a big barn and i've often said to my son like you know you could have some mates over if you wanted and just go nuts in the barn there you know within reason anyway he says yeah actually i would like to have a party okay great how many people are you going to invite i don't know like 30 about 80 turned up a mixture of 15 year olds but a few people from the

years above as well uh-oh uh-oh and we had said beforehand because obviously the whole booze policy was to be discussed i mean when we were 15 we were going to parties and we were drinking booze, right? Yes. And we were not always drinking sensibly or in moderation. Where were we getting it from? We were getting it from the offy. Just going in there and... And just buying it. Were we? Yeah, you were tall.

Really? We would get the tall people to do it. You'd try a few different offys. Yeah, and someone would always sell you some at some point. And the weapon of choice, as I recall, was small bottles of spirits. Because, like a small bottle of vodka or gin or something like that. And you would end up just swigging from it like a flask in order to embrace oblivion. I mean, it's just awful, isn't it?

It is awfully fun. It was sort of fun, but I started remembering all these things in the run-up to this party. And it just made my blood turn cold because all the things that you survived as a youth, Because all the things that you survived as a youth, you are now terrified that your children won't survive or something bad will happen to them or someone else. Better on home turf? Yeah. Oh, yeah, definitely. So did you permit the booze? Well, I said we'll do it so that everyone or whoever wants can have a couple of cans of wheat lager.

So we got some wheat lagers in, thinking that that would, oh yeah, that'll do the job. And my wife, my wife, made about a hundred burgers and things like that because she thought, are you giving them some food when they arrive, line the stomach? Yeah. So we were thinking about all that and we talked to some some other parents. This was the consensus, was it? Yeah. That was perceived as the sensible approach. Yeah, you can't ban the booze altogether.

It's not practical to do so. And you just have to hope that they will be relatively sensible and you provide them with. And I said zero tolerance policy on other booze and of course drugs um no crack definitely that was top of the list because i just don't like crack in the house kids these days i don't want it in the house we invited a couple of friends to stay with us that weekend my friend dan came to help us sort of go and patrol the room every now and again, every half an hour or so, just to make sure things weren't getting out. You'd go into the room and walk around.

Yeah. It was terrifying. Have you ever done that? Not as an adult. No, it was terrifying enough as a kid going to other kids parties. Yeah. At that age.

That's the thing, isn't it? We never had them though. We just, we made it, you and I made a policy decision just to have nice supper parties or groups of about five of us. We decided pretty early that those things were just a living hell. Yeah.

And that generally no fun was had. No, exactly. It was just a horrible sort of bestial caveman-y kind of... Yeah. You go in there and it's all dark and things are getting broken and people are falling about and people are acting weird because everyone's nervous and they get hammered and the music's too loud and it's no good. Everyone's terribly self-conscious at that age, right? You can't, you couldn't like, and you're in front of all your peers, it's the worst possible thing you could do, isn't it? Piers Morgan.

Piers Morgan's there he's there being all judgmental and twattish seriously though do you remember going to any of those that were fun errrrr

no no no well ones that ones like posh ones with like friends but it's like when we were older

when we were older maybe yeah but not in not teenage parties when I say posh I mean like like where you had to dress up yeah like 21st birthdays and things like that like when they were all everyone

was pretending to be grown up yeah that's when they started to become fun when you started thinking oh i'm going to be grown up when you're 15 and you want to be like um liam gallagher yeah whoever it is now you're 15 and you just want to say skrillex. Yeah. That's who the kids are into these days. Diplo. Want to be like Diplo. What happened? What was that? What happened?

I'm pleased to say that nothing serious happened. There were a couple of... Well, it was Frank. You must have had a special little eye out for Frank. Definitely. Yeah. But he was great, actually. He handled it really well.

Because if it was me, I think I would have found it very, very stressful. What sort of music was being played well he uh is really into his drum and bass and and like minimal house music just like his dad i do like a bit of drum and bass but mainly just in jingles anyway so he'd made several playlists and uh they went down really well i was quite proud of him but then people you know get control of the stereo. Start putting on their own stuff. Start putting on their own stuff. And there was a lot of Trap being played.

A lot of Lil Pump. Yachty, Pump, all the Lils. All the Lils. Have you heard Lil Pump? Yeah. Do you like Lil Pump? They're all kind of... Lil Pump.

He just has four words per song, and the songs are like one minute 23. It's becoming like a sort of thing you'd have in a Paul Verhoeven film in 1987. Like somebody's extrapolation of ridiculous culture in 30 years time. And now it is 30 years time. And it is that. Yeah. My brother had a house party.

And I went up to my bedroom and I wrote on my desk in pen, I will never have a party. Why was it so bad? Just because it was horrible it was like being burgled yeah but then i went downstairs and started telling jokes and everyone laughed oh and how was your brother with that he was fine and then a girl a much older girl took me for a drive pissed in her car oh hot mama that sounds bad bad. No, it was exciting. Transgressive, but terrifying. I mean, smash.

She was smashed. I was smashed. We just drove around the block. Oh, my lord. And they pulled the sink out of the wall. Oh, what? Yeah, and spilled wine on the wall. Yeah.

My parents went away. How were your parents when they got back? A little bit pissed. Yeah, man. away how were your parents when they got back a little bit pissed yeah man but i think it was a small price to pay for their son to have a little bit of cred yeah and to become part of the party circuit that's the thing isn't it because once you've uh once you put a notch on the party post you're in the scene aren't you yeah anyway so what that well done frank he got through it did well he got through it well and that was anything He got through it. He did well. Was anything broken?

I mean, we got away so lightly. There was no... It was a nice crowd, actually. It was a great crowd of kids. They were a great crowd. They were having a lot of fun. There was a bit of wildness. There was a bit of tomfoolery going on.

Sure, sure. But hey, they're kids. Was there snogging? Was there Angus thongs and perfect snogging going on? There was total snogging. Was there? There was nothing, because we patrolled often enough that it never got too... Too snogging? Was there Angus thongs and perfect snogging going on? There was total snogging. Was there? There was nothing because we patrolled often enough that it never got to... Too snogalicious.

To X level. To Beauty and the Beast. Yeah, man. Was there like the sort of snogging where you just don't go any further than snogging, but you just sort of eat someone's face until your face is raw? They're just sort of staggering around. And you come home and all your face is like pink and all... Chapped.

Revoltingly chapped. For some reason, someone went and found... Because it's where I work, the barn, right? They found your studio. And naively, I just thought, if I pin up some signs saying, please do not enter certain bits, I'd be fine. I went in at one point and

found the signs ripped down and someone sort of barricading some girls in there and trying to seal the door with gaffer tape yes to try and lock them in yeah yeah so i stopped that and then later on i just said hey guys uh no gaffer taping the door. Hey, guys, in my studio, what you going to do? I just say no to gaffer taping girls inside my crib. It just ain't cool. That's how it is. Mr. Boxing, yeah.

Well, when you put it like that. Is that what you said? Yeah. Mr. Buxton, I thought maybe you might be a little bit uncool and square. I never knew you. But since you started...

You can spit rhymes. I'm glad that you did that in rhyme. Well, deece, Mr. Buxton. Well, deece. I ain't going to shag you now Wait This is an advert for Squarespace Every time I visit your website I see success

Yes, success The way that you look at the world Makes the world want to say yes. It looks very professional. I love browsing your videos and pics and I don't want to stop. And I'd like to access your members area and spend in your shop. These are the kinds of comments people will say about your website if you build it with Squarespace.

Just visit squarespace.com slash Buxton for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, because you will want to launch, use the offer code BUXTON to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain so put the smile of success on your face with squarespace yes continue hey welcome back listeners you may have noticed a different voice saying continue this week normally it would be guitarist robert fripp saying continue although maybe don't tell him

Robert Fripp saying continue although maybe don't tell him because he might not appreciate it and sue us for royalties or something I don't know anyway this week saying continue is Dr. Angie Barrett and that is a little Christmas present for you Angie from your husband your husband Steve and Steve pretended to be recording you saying continue for something else. But actually, it was for this. Steve said that he would make a £50 donation to a charity that's important to me, the Multiple Sclerosis Society UK. So thanks very much, Steve, and happy Christmas, Angie. And thanks once again to everybody who sent in messages for this podcast,

the Christmassy one, and just kind messages in general, which I'm very pleased to receive via my blog, which I hope is finally going to get a bit of a revamp next year. I know a lot of you are very worried, like, what's Adam Buxton doing about his blog? When are we going to get some news about his blog? Well, there you go. It might get a revamp next year. It's exciting, isn't it? And of course, there's always my SoundCloud page as well, which is a good place to leave messages for me if you wish. I appreciate them

all very much. A couple of quick shout outs that I didn't get round to with Joe or that came in too late for us to mention. Hi to Champ with much love from Kate Cheese Murray in Australia. Lots of love to you, mate. Hi as well to Faye and her three-year-old who the other day asked, Mummy, where are the effing scissors? Nice work there, Faye. I don't normally do shout outs on the podcast but hey it's Christmas and I also wanted to say thanks to Rupert

who sent me this message a couple of days back via my blog oh it's quite cold now looking forward to getting back in next to the fire anyway this is Rupert's message that made me chuckle

dear Adam you should soon be cast as a German father figure in some sort of epic Spielberg slash Hank. Missed the S off there. Amazon Prime program slash film. I was in a coffee shop in the very cool Soho of London, tip-tapping on my laptop. The table next to me was soon filled by loud film folk,

two from London and one from LA. They were going through lists of actors and how each one would be perfect for the role they were casting. They were talking about whether Stephen and Tom would like them. So naturally, Spielberg and Hank... He's missed off the S S again I'm not sure if he actually thinks it's Tom Hank or maybe he just thinks of him as Hank so naturally Spielberg and Hank leapt to mind these are clearly the only two that could be a fit here

alright I'm going to go along with that they reeled off a whole bunch of stars mentioning they needed a James Van Der Beek or Chris Pratt-like person. But not so famous, mid-forties, able to do a German accent and available to meet with Tom and Stephen. Hank and Spielberg.

Naturally, my mind wanted to solve this problem too, despite having no affiliation with the industry other than I have eyes and have seen films. Obviously, my thoughts were, middle-aged, can look like a German, does accents, this is perfect for Buckles. I waited for my moment and made my suggestion. I leant over to the casting lady and said, have you considered Adam Buxton? He has a German look to him and could do a great accent, also the right sort of age. The casting lady raised her eyebrows and said, hmm, yes, I'll put him on the list. It was in a jolly fashion, which I took to mean you would be put at the top of the

list, not somewhere down the bottom. You see, if she said that in a jolly fashion, that's not what I would think. Anyway, Rupert continues, we made our pleasantries and we're off on our way. So it's a done deal. And I'm assuming you'll get your new showbiz contract in the post soon. Congratulations on your new part. And you are, of course, most welcome. Kind regards, your new agent, Rupert. Thanks, Rupert. Wow, that's very exciting. I've always wanted to work with Spielberg and, of course, Hank. Well, that's pretty much it for 2017, listeners. The podcast returns for regular weekly episodes in, well, I'm not exactly sure, but it'll be late March or early April of 2018. But before then, look out for a one-off ramble with one of the most

talented people in the film industry at the moment, actor, writer and director Greta Gerwig, whose film Lady Bird, starring the magnificent Saoirse Ronan, is brilliantly funny and moving. I saw it the other day. It's coming out in the UK in February. I was very lucky to be able to sit down with Greta Gerwig. So the fruits of that conversation should appear around about the time that Lady Bird gets its UK release in February. people that keep the podcast ship afloat. Seamus Murphy Mitchell, perhaps most importantly, and Matt Lamont helped me produce and edit this podcast, respectively. I couldn't do it without them, and I really appreciate their work and enthusiasm. Thanks to ACAST for hosting this podcast and many other good ones.

Check out the stuff they've got. They've got loads now. So anyway, the folks at acast have looked after me very well and continue to do so and i really appreciate it thanks to kevin and toby at really quite something who approached me earlier this year and said uh have you thought about doing an app and they set one up and it's great and there are going to be lots more fun bits and pieces on there exclusively next year so check it out thanks to Helen Green and Luke Drozd for providing such lovely artwork for the podcast the illustration of my big silly face grinning away is Helen Green and Luke Drozd has designed

some lovely artwork that has turned up as posters. So has Helen Green as well. They've both done some great bits and pieces for the podcast T-shirts and mugs and the posters. Thanks to BSI for selling all that stuff as well. Their website is where you can find the Adam Buxton podcast merch. Thanks most of all to you, though though for continuing to listen to the podcast and to be sufficiently open-minded to explore the different kinds of episodes and listen to some of the episodes with people you haven't heard of necessarily and end up making fun discoveries

that way and thanks for not bombarding me with messages that say, oh, do more of the funny ones. They're way better than the other ones. Or you should do more serious ones. They're more important than the funny ones. Or do more with cats. I don't like dogs. There's too many dogs mentioned in the podcast. Anyway, you get the idea.

I appreciate your indulgence and encouragement for doing this podcast, which is great fun, and I look forward to doing more in the coming months and, indeed, years. Speaking of which, I hope you have a very happy and peaceful 2018. Until then, take extremely good care. Rosie and I love you. Bye! Bye! Bye. Thank you.