THE ADAM BUXTON PODCAST - EP.65 - DIANE MORGAN

Episode Date: February 23, 2018

Adam laughs a lot as he talks to British actor and comedian, Diane Morgan (Philomena Cunk, Motherland) about bad films, weird drama school exercises, not cracking America, not giving a shit, children, tape worms and more. Thanks to Séamus Murphy-Mitchell for production support and Matt Lamont for additional editing. Music & jingles by Adam Buxton Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I added one more podcast to the giant podcast bin Now you have plucked that podcast out and started listening I took my microphone and found some human folk Then I recorded all the noises while we spoke My name is Adam Buxton, I'm a man I want you to enjoy this, that's the plan. Hey, how you doing, podcats? Adam Buxton here.

Once again, I'm recording this in the dark. Even though it's not very late at night it's only about 6 p.m but the sun is down rosie's up ahead when i did last week's intro for greta gerwig it was also night time and when i got back to the house rosie wasn't there She'd shot off somewhere. My wife, my wife was very annoyed. My wife was annoyed. She thought it was irresponsible of me to come back without the dog. I said to my wife, do not worry, my wife. She is a clever dog. She will come back. You wait and see. My wife was not so sure. How could you come back without Rosie?

She's fine. She's our dog. She's got laser eyes. She can smell everything from about five miles away. She'll come back when she wants to. She's out there having a brilliant, brilliant time. Anyway, my wife sighed with profound irritation, put on her coat and her head torch and trudged out into the night to try and locate Rosie and do some shouting in the dark.

I went out to help her after a little while because I could hear her. She's got various special calls for Rosie and I thought oh boy I better go and help I guess otherwise uh I'm gonna be in the dog house with Rosie later on but there's always that fluttery feeling of boy I hope she is okay hope she hasn't got set upon by some junky rabbits or something so I went out and almost as soon as I went out to to join my wife I met her coming back down the path with Rosie boinging about with a huge grin on her face oh my god you're not gonna believe what I've just been doing it was so cool it was really dark i met loads of weirdos and it was so exciting and different from like just going out for a walk during the day it was brilliant but you're not doing that tonight rosie okay

anyway listen podcats let me tell you a little bit about episode number 65, which features a highly amusing conversation with British comedian and actor Diane Morgan. I think I first saw Diane on Charlie Brooker's satirical TV review Weekly Wipe, where Diane appears as the entertainingly clueless but opinionated Philomena Kunk, who sometimes interviews real people on a variety of subjects

as well as holding forth in monologue form along with Barry Shitpease and as Philomena Diane has also presented the standalone specials Kunk on Christmas and Kunk on Shakespeare

Diane is also one of the stars of the BBC sitcom Motherland. And during our conversation, I asked her if she had any children, and then acknowledged that sometimes that question can rub people up the wrong way. I suppose, not having met Diane before, I was just anxious not to offend, and was hedging my bets a little bit as you will hear however the whole concept of giving or taking offence which preoccupies so many of us these days is not something that Diane seems overly concerned with so we bounced from one subject

to another and towards the end of our conversation Diane shared a story that she'd read about a tape worm that may not be the best accompaniment for your lunchtime or romantic podcast dinner or I'm just giving you a little tape worm trigger warning there but we began by critiquing the DVD collection of my friend Mark, in whose house we were recording not so long ago at the beginning of this year, 2018. You will hear that very shortly. I'll be back for more waffling at the end of the podcast. Details of brand new bonus audio on the app, a couple more podcast recommendations, etc. But right now, here we go! fat and have a ramble chat. Put on your conversation coat and find your talking hat. Yes, yes, yes. Diane has come over to my friend's shelf and she's going to assess the kind of person that she's dealing with by...

We've got kids, haven't we? Looking at the DVDs. We'll rule all those ones out. We won't blame them for those. Mad men. Yeah, who can blame them for that? That was all right, wasn't it? Mad Men.

It was all right. But it wasn't the greatest, was it? I met Jon Hamm. Did you? The other week. How was that? Really weird. Yeah, why did you meet him?

Weirdly, he was at a pub quiz that I was at. And someone said to me, do you want to come over and meet Jon Hamm? I said, why? I said to me, do you want to come over and meet Jon Hamm? I said, why? I mean, obviously, yes, you know, because I've seen Mad Men, and he was in it. And I saw him, and he's very striking looking, isn't he? Yeah.

Like a sort of weathered mannequin, he looked like. A beautiful weathered mannequin. A beautiful mannequin that'd been left out in a skip overnight and smelt of booze what did you chat about not much i mean what can you say to john ham we're from very different worlds yeah what kind of pub quiz are you going to incredible it was mainly sort of comedy writers okay and I think he's a bit of an Anglophile, isn't he? Yes, because he did Matt Berry's show, didn't he? Toast. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Yeah.

I think it was going to be someone else initially, wasn't it? How could you have someone else other than Jon Hamm? I know. I think he sort of cornered the market, hasn't he? In some man rolls. Weathered mannequins. Weathered mannequin rolls. I think that's a very good way of describing what to um what to make of these all right fellini next to barbie quite right yeah which barbie is it

which one who cares about fellini classic oh 12 dancing princesses that's a very good one my daughter was into these and there was nothing i could do to wean her off why are you weaning her off let her discover her own taste who cares if she likes barbie and pink things let her have a gone on let her have a barbie they're not good they're not good films and you feel as a parent you feel as a parent that you have to make some kind of comment you have to say you know other films are available I'm not going to say don't watch that

it's total shit but you can say that's great but did you know there are other films as well and you know what they must have

much more shit than we had I mean when I was growing up the flumps morph I like the flumps too how can you not

like the flumps my. How can you not like the flumps? My first ever ironic TV conversation was about the flumps. And it was at a kid's party and I remember it clearly. I was about nine, eight or nine and I was saying, do you watch the flumps? That's a load of crap, isn't it? I had an ex-boyfriend who was like eight years younger than me. He missed out on the flumps.

I remember talking about the flumps and he said, what's the flumps? I knew it was all over. Do the theme. They were great. Were they? Yes. Well, I mean, you know. Can you name any flumps?

They were better than Barbie, weren't they? I would say. I agree with you. Mr. Ben. Oh, that was just straightforwardly good, though, wasn't it? Yes. Well, this is the thing. And kids now, I think all their stuff is shit. Ben. Oh, that was just straightforwardly good, though, wasn't it? Yes. Well, this is the thing. And kids now, I think all their stuff is shit.

Yeah. And when I say kids, I mean like anyone under 38. All sort of their culture is shit now, isn't it? Music, comedy. Everything is shit. I sort of feel sorry for them. But then they don't know. They don't know any better.

Yeah. Surely there must be some hipster making a Mr. Ben movie. I don't think there is. Because in a post-Paddington universe, we know that it is possible to do a decent kids film reboot. Is it CGI? Paddington, yes. Have you not seen it?

No, I haven't watched CGI. Well, I had this conversation with Joe on our Christmas podcast because we talked to the director, Paul King, who used to direct The Boosh. And when he was in production with Paddington, we were saying, is it going to be CG? And he said, yeah. And we were like, oh, that's going to be terrible. CG? Yeah.

What do you mean? Well, CGI. Oh, CGI. Right, yeah. You really love that I. Yeah. Anyway, it turned out to be good he's done it really well give over come on it's good it is good yeah even paddington 2 is good a couple of people say do you know what it's all right it's funny it's warm-hearted i think everyone wants warm now don't they i don't warm. I don't need sitcoms to be warm or characters to be warm.

I think the more nasty and angry, the better. Right. The Ice Maiden. Yeah. There's a lot of... They used to put, like, silent comedies on during the day when I was a kid as well. I don't think they do that anymore. Silent comedies?

Like Black and White? Yeah, like Laurel and Hardy and... Harold Lloyd. Harold Lloyd. He was good. Harold Lloyd. He wasn't Barbie, was he? Harold Lloyd. No, he was really good. Wiener onto Harold Lloyd. Harold Lloyd. He was good. Harold Lloyd. He wasn't Barbie, was he? Harold Lloyd.

No, he was really good. Wiener on to Harold Lloyd. Yeah. Once she's got this whole Barbie thing. She's very resistant. Anyway, she can go whichever way she likes. Is she doing the whole pink thing? She is.

Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Oh, she's coming out of it, actually. She'd be offended if she was characterised that way now. No, I went through the pink thing.

It's nothing to be ashamed of. Did you feel you were being culturally browbeaten? No. When you were five. I just like pink. Yeah. Something happens to a girl's brain, I think. It's controversial.

You're on controversial territory. Wait, I don't care. Pink. I loved, I just loved pink. Patriarchy is forcing you to like pink. I've gone over it, though. Yeah. I mean, if I was still liking pink, then obviously something's gone wrong you to like pink i've gone over it though yeah i mean if i was still liking pink then obviously something's gone wrong i like pink do you yeah my bike my brompton is

pink really yeah i love it pale pink or bubblegum pink bubblegum pink yeah yeah to the extent that it gets comments quite regularly and people i can see that people are trying not to say that's a girl's color yeah yeah I mean and every now and again they do people just in fact when I bought it the person that sold it to me who was herself I believe identifying as female said oh okay you want the pink one I said yeah yeah yeah and I said yeah yeah like like pink she said you know that is a girl's color no way yeah she actually said that. So I didn't get into it with her.

I felt very angry and offended, obviously. How are we doing on the DVDs? I mean, it's fine, isn't it? There's a lot of kids stuff. Have you seen, do you like Fellini, though? We ignored Fellini. Fellini. Fellini is unwrapped.

This is a box set that is. I don't think I've watched one Fellini film. I mean, that's the most famous one, isn't it? Dolce Vita. Yeah. Where she's wading around in the Trevi Fountain. Like Friends. Like Friends, yeah. Like the title sequence.

What else have you got? There's nothing here for me. I was going to ask you what your favourite film was. Favourite film? Yeah. Notts in May. Notts in May. It's not really a film, is it? It's a screenplay. Yeah. But I always, Notts in May, I don't think I've enjoyed anything more than Not So Mad.

Every single line of it is just perfect. Who directed that again? Mike Lee. Mike Lee, of course. Have you not seen it? Years ago. Haven't seen it recently. I've got to see it again. I know that it's a touchstone for many comedians. Brilliant. I like Withnail and I. Oh, God, that's good. If you don't find

Withnail and I funny, then there's no hope for you, I think. Exactly, right. I watched it the other day, and it's still very funny. Yeah, every ten years I'll watch it and I think, nope, it's still funny. How do you get on with the Monty stuff? I love the Monty stuff. I love all of it. At the time, though,

it was very controversial because even at the time, when it came out, what was it? Mid-80s? Late 80s? Even then, I remember people saying, this is well homophobic, this character. Oh, right. I've seen a Q&A with Bruce Robinson, the director, recently. And actually, he addressed all that. And he talked about it.

He talked about how, obviously, it's a period piece. Yeah. So set in the 60s. And there's a lot of stuff in it that's fairly edgy. It was edgy in the 80s when it came out it's even more jarring now yeah some of the language that is used yeah yeah how do you feel do you feel you have to watch yourself no i can pretty much get away with saying anything have you ever got in trouble doing and saying stuff no not in trouble no i think it especially if you play an idiot

people just assume that you know it's like a it's like being an old lady you know you can say what you like because people go oh she's no harm you know but um i tweeted something the other day about boxing jerky bruce moggs teeth teeth out on Twitter for sport relief. And you'd think it's a fairly innocuous tweet. But all these people start coming up, oh, typical lefty, you know, resorting to violence. It's just a joke. It's crazy, isn't it?

Yeah. I've noticed something I can pretend to be angry about. It's just pathetic. Do you not judge people? When was the last time you judged someone? I love judging people. Put them in boxes. Judging all the time as I walk down the street. Yeah. Big judger.

High court judge. Tell you what, Duel. That's a great film. Duel? Duel. Duel. Duel. D-U-E-L. Did I say Duel? Well, that's how one would say. Duel. Is that better? Duel. Duel Duel Duel D-U-E-L Did I say jewel? Well, that's how one would say Duel Is that better? Duel

Duel Duel That is a good film Spielberg's I only saw that two years ago First, one of his first movies A TV movie originally That ended up getting a theatrical release

Absolutely brilliant Describe the plot of Duel for someone who hasn't seen it. It's a bloke driving around in a car but there's a big lorry popping at him every now and then. That's it really, isn't it? In a nutshell. I think I should do film 2018.

Yeah, I like that. Will you do synopsis? Get rid of Winkleman. Is Winkleman still doing it? Probably. Is there a vacancy? Alright, do you now have to do a summary Get rid of Winkleman. Is Winkleman still doing it? Probably. Is there a vacancy? All right. You now have to do a summary of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Do you know what? This is going to be controversial. Never watched Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

Wow. Never seen it. I don't intend to. It's like a right load of rubbish. It's a flying car, is it? Yeah. Who's that? Who is that? Oh, it's Dick Van Dyke. Oh, it is. Yeah. He's still alive car, is it? Yeah. Who's that? Who is that?

Oh, it's Dick Van Dyke. Oh, it is, yeah. He's still alive, isn't he? Dick Van Dyke? Old Van Dyke, yeah. He might be. He definitely is, mate. Is he?

Yeah. How do you know? He's in his 90s. He's one of Mel Brooks' friends. Oh. Because there's only a few of them left, isn't there? Yeah, yeah. So they all meet up and have coffee.

How do you know about Mel Brooks and his friends? Are you keeping tabs? I read an article about Mel Brooks and he said? Are you keeping tabs? I read an article about Mel Brooks and he said all his friends have died. It's quite sad. He said the only ones

that are still alive are ancient and one of them was Dick Van Dyke. DVD. Yeah. Or DVD. Good one.

Well, it's a very durable format. Yeah. That's a useless joke. Jean de Florette, that's a good film. Yeah, give us the synopsis. French bloke, does he grow some veg?

I've forgotten. And then the rain doesn't come and his veg goes to shit. Is that what happens? Something like that. You see, that's not how I would have summarised Jean de Floret. It's a good film. I remember thinking this is a good film. And that was a great film.

Yeah, that is good. I can watch that again. What happened? Quite sad. Yeah, it was sad, wasn't it? What happened to his vegetables? Isn't it that they are trying to steal water? There's a well and they're fighting over who gets to use the water from the well.

So there's no vegetables. I mean, the vegetables are affected, but it's not mainly about vegetables. I don't think. It's not weird. It doesn't show vegetables either on the cover. No. I've completely misremembered it. Yeah.

Avatar? Not seen it. What are you doing? Are you just watching good things? I don't watch CGI stuff. What's your problem? Why are you racist against CGI? It's boring, isn't it?

You can do anything with CGI. Yeah. What's wrong with that? Stop frame animation. Oh, now I'm in. You like limitations. Yes. Something made out of foam.

Mm-hmm. I'm in. Computers. Yeah, they can do anything. Big deal. I mean, if you see something impressive now in a film, you just say, oh, CGI, innit? I expect it to be brilliant.

But if it's just a man on his own, he's made it all that sponge. Brilliant. I if it's just a man on his own, he's made it all that sponge. Brilliant. I watch it. Is that real melody? Have you seen my phone charger? What?

I left it right there. Did you see it? Have you got it? Where's my charger gone? Where's my phone charger? The battery's about to die. It was on the table. Round and round in their heads go the chord progressions, the empty lyrics, and the impoverished fragments of tune. And boom goes the brain box

at the start of every bar. At the start of every bar. Boom goes the brain box. Are you a warrior? I was talking about this the other day, weirdly. I used to be really nervous. And then one day, second year at drama school, I was so exhausted by worry that I just thought, I can't do this anymore.

And then I realised that I could just make the decision not to worry. Just like that. And I completely changed. I didn't worry about anything anymore. I wasn't shy. I wasn't nervous. Overnight, I was just fine. Isn't that weird? I've never heard anyone say that before. No, it's like I did a sort of Darren Brown on my own mind.

That's amazing. Can you remember what you were worrying about when you made the decision that it had to stop? Yeah, I had to do speeches in front of people and talk about yourself and very sort of revealing things that you have to do at drama school embarrassing things especially if you're from bolton everything's embarrassing and so i just i just get really nervous all the time and i'm so exhausted by nerves i just want to i can't do this right i'm just not i just dropped it all and i was never

nervous since why are things embarrassing in Bolton? Things aren't embarrassing in Bolton. Things like when I came down south, and I went to drama school, and people would just walk up to you and start massaging you. And I'd be like, get off! What are you doing? Don't touch me! And reading poetry and things like that is all a bit embarrassing.

You know what I mean? It's a bit namby-pamby and awkward. It just wasn't me. Where did you go to drama school? East 15 for my sins. Yeah. Is that good? It's fine.

It's one of those sort of weird Methodist schools where at the time in second year, they'd make you go to Epping Forest and pretend to be Jews and Nazis. For like two weeks. Yeah. You'd stay in character. Yeah. And I was a Jew. Yeah.

And so we'd get woken up at three o'clock in the morning and had to walk around on our hands and knees barking like dogs and things. Flipping heck, Tucker. Yeah, it was really. And I thought, this is rubbish how embarrassing again this is just oh did they call it jews and nazis no the war project the war project but you know what i think it sort of works but by the end of it you you sort of believe what's happening because everyone else is acting and and it goes on for so long that it's sort of like a form of brainwashing. Well, did you ever read about Stanley Milgram's prison experiments?

No, what was that? Hello, Fact-Checking Santa here. The Stanford University Prison Experiment of August 1971 was an attempt to investigate the psychological effects of perceived power, focusing on the struggle between prisoners and prison officers, played by college students. It was conducted by a research group led by psychology professor Philip Zimbardo, not Stanley Milgram. Stanley Milgram conducted an experiment which demonstrated the readiness of many people to perform acts conflicting with their personal conscience when instructed to do so by an authority figure. In this case, obeying instructions to administer what they believed were real electric shocks to fake participants.

Merry Christmas! And people inhabited their roles so completely that they had to stop the experiment because the prison guards were getting really brutal. Yeah. And out of hand. Well, that's what happened. Is that what happened?

Yeah, the power sort of went to their heads and people had to step in. Yeah, it was very strange. It's brainwashing, isn't it? Is it brainwashing or is it just... It's a kind of brainwashing. It's just giving people licence to exercise their worst impulses. It's giving people an excuse to behave like an artsy.

Yeah. You didn't go to drama school, did you? No, I didn't, no. I think I would have liked to. I went to art school, which is not totally dissimilar. So you are encouraged to do whatever and be weird and experimental and pretentious. Yeah.

Which actually didn't happen enough for my taste. I was hoping there was going to be a lot more of it yeah so is it quite nutty your drama school yeah a lot of method stuff you don't have to stay in character is that part of the method staying in character character yeah so how do they know if you're popping in a character right i was going to ask you about philomena kunk and how you do those. Because we used to do a little bit of that sort of fake interview stuff. Yeah.

When me and Joe did our TV show. Yeah. I did a character called Ken Corder. Yeah. Who was like a kind of Melvin Bragg meets Philip Schofield. I don't know. And so I would do, you know, south bank show style interviews with people like pat sharp it's great fun isn't it it is fun but i always found so they didn't know that you were

putting a character on or did they know and just play along this is what i was going to ask you yeah it was obvious with me because i had a stupid wig right i had a wig that looked a bit like michael fabricant have you ever seen that mp yeah so it was absolutely clear and we would say before you know i wouldn't say everything that was coming up but i would explain generally what the deal was and i just said you know we just want you to respond as realistically as possible but do you stay in character do you orientate them or do you just like to stay in character because otherwise it's weird going hello i'm diane yeah i'll be playing you know we're just going to have a little bit of fun and just do it right but then don't you have moments where you really want to reassure them no no i like to make the feel as uncomfortable as possible i genuinely think it makes for a

better interview if someone's a bit uncomfortable but it's great fun i absolutely love it it's my favorite thing to do you must have enjoyed interviewing people uh i did but but you think it would have been more fun if you'd have i couldn't have done it really why not because my impulse is to be sure reassure and try and put people at ease yeah i don't like seeing people uncomfortable i like i like watching that's why we differ yeah have you done any that just were not usable because they they just yeah yeah we've done a couple that were unusable because they were um the people were actually too nice and would laugh and if people laugh it sort of it sort of breaks the bubble it's just like oh i can't i can't

sort of use that if someone's smiling and laughing it's like we can't use that so i think a couple of times we've had to redo an interview with someone much more miserable yeah have you ever got rattled doing those kinds of things do you ever what do you mean rattled i mean do you ever just get freaked out and bottle it no i think there have been a couple of people that have got quite angry because it's their special subject, isn't it, and you're sort of tramping all over it. We did an episode on Churchill, and we got a Churchill expert in, and we were making up all kinds of bollocks about Churchill.

And I think even though the guy must have known that it was a joke, he just sort of hated the fact that we were not listening. Yeah, but it makes for a good interview, though, I think. When you're talking, your voice reminds me

sometimes of Mark E. Smith. Lovely Mark E. Smith. He wasn't from Bolton though, was he? He was from Salford. No, he was from Perilously Close. Was it Presswitch or something like that? Oh yeah, maybe, yeah. Barry? I don't know. Were you a fan? Very big fan, yeah.

Yeah. I mean, I really like some of the music. Aha. But him as a person, I just found him really funny. Yeah. i think there's a clip of uh john peels died and they get him on to to talk about it have you seen it i think it's like a news night yeah news night and god he's so funny on it because he's just totally himself and he genuinely i think doesn't care what people think about him and how he comes across and i think in this day and age

it's really refreshing to see someone like that i don't think there is anyone else no i'm trying to think like who genuinely doesn't give a shit i think it's very hard to maintain a career these days i suppose morrissey seems not to give a shit he does though i'm sure he does yeah i get the feeling that i think he's a ball of rage about how everyone thinks about him. He's always trying to manage it. Yeah. But what I hate is when people say, oh, I can't listen to Morrissey's music now

because they don't agree with certain things that he says. But, you know, let him have his opinions. It's Morrissey. I sort of think it's Morrissey, though. Do you not think? I think people find it harder and harder to to enjoy the music because to differentiate between the art and the artist you know i suppose if he was a an out-and-out nazi then it'd be hard to listen to the smiths yeah if he'd that's the thing isn't it there's a difference between just what you may consider wrong-headed opinions and actually going out and, you know, hurting other people.

I don't think he's ever done that. Like if you went out tomorrow on a killing spree. Yeah. Then it would... Would you still be able to listen to the Smiths and enjoy it? If Morrissey went out on a killing spree? Yeah. It would be harder, wouldn't it?

Not for me. Would it not? No, I generally don't think it would. I could still separate the man from the music if he killed your whole family are different that's different people i don't know i'm still listening secretly I'm out. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, I was never like that into music, to be honest. Were you not? No, even as a teenager, I was not.

I was always into comedy. I was obsessed with comedy. So there was never any room for music. And what was the comedy that you were obsessed by? Hancock. I think that was... My dad got me into Hancock's half hour and said, you should watch this.

It's really good. And, uh, I watched it. I thought it was the best thing I'd ever seen. This really miserable man. And his face is just incredible. I still think it's one of the best things I've ever seen. That probably had the biggest effects on me. Peter Cook.

I always thought Peter Cook was incredible. I was genuinely upset about Peter Cook dying because you like these people that sort of pop up every so often and make a comment on things that are happening and we don't have anyone there that's saying anything that interesting. There's nothing that you would swap at school that you know your parents wouldn't like you're listening to everything's sort of clean and yeah middle of the road well what happens now just me getting old i'm maybe a bit of that do you think but

what's the great cutting edge stuff now that you think kids are listening to listening to youtubers aren't they it's their stuff on youtube i'm thinking of stuff that my children are into that they've shown me that i thought was good key and peel oh yeah key and peel yeah they're eric andre i don't know him he's pretty funny yeah people like that i suppose but the thing about a lot of edgy stuff now is that it gets politicized and it gets um bracketed like even in comedy a lot of stuff has ended up being adopted by the kind of alt-right lot the little right-wing nerds yeah especially in america when we were growing up i think that pete and dud stuff you never even thought about politics. No, no. Really?

It was just in its own insane universe. Have you listened to that recently? The stuff where Peter Cook's really giving Dudley Moore a hard time and really laying into him. When they're recording Derek and Clive. Yeah. Get the horn, I think it is. Dudley's come back from LA, so he's all tanned and basking in his sex symbol glory. Yeah.

Yeah. It does seem like Peter Cook's genuinely annoyed by him. It does, doesn't it? And he's quite drunk, isn't he? Yeah. And really lies into him. After he died, I remember there were a few people writing pieces about, oh, he wasted his talent. Yeah. Oh, what a shame. He drank about, oh, he wasted his talent. Yeah.

Oh, what a shame. He drank it away and he had so much potential. Yeah, I just think, what? Because he peaked really early, didn't he? The establishment club and all that. And he did so much so early. But I think he just, he did what he wanted when he felt like doing something. He used to ring up radio stations, didn't he?

Yeah. He'd talk radio characters and stuff, just for his own amusement. LBC and places like that. Yeah. He didn't seem that interested in doing anyone else's stuff. He'd just do things on his own terms when he felt like it. And you always get the best stuff when you do that. If you do things for yourself or

for your mates it's always going to be much better than for this imaginary audience written for a you know channel four audience between the ages of that it's never going to work is it so have you not plotted out your career and you're not going to try and get a sitcom in america and all that i've never been interested in going to america have you uh i would be lying if i said i was never interested in it because i grew up being such a fan of all things american oh did you yeah quite a lot and just thinking that it was glamorous and cool and i remember going around with a bunch of girls at school and talking in American accents. That's weird.

Yeah, it was weird, wasn't it? Did you not hang around with people and do accents? No. That was a thing when I was at school. Everyone talking in accents. And all the cool girls were doing American. I was like, I'm going to hang around with them. That's really weird.

What kind of programs were you emulating? You know, just junk. Like Six Million Dollar Man and The A-Team and even Dukes of Hazzard and things like that. Dukes of Hazzard. Dukes of Hazzard. More or less

totally indefensible programme by today's standards. Wow. Yeah, I've never been interested in cracking America. There's not that much comedy. I always liked Woody Allen, controversial. I liked Larry David. There's not that much comedy either. I always liked Woody Allen, controversial.

I liked Larry David. But apart from that... You're not thinking, oh, I've got to get out there, I've got to meet Judd Apatow, I've got to get introduced to Larry David, be in the next Larry David project. Oh, don't get me wrong. If Larry David rang up, I'd be off.

Yeah, sure. But anyone else, I... Not going out to do pilot season. No, no, no. I never do pilot season. I'm not going out to do pilot season no no no I never do pilot season I'm not going to occasionally you'll get asked to do some American pilot and do an American accent

I won't do that it just feels so wrong just get an American what are you asking me to do an American accent for they've got so many Brits now in American shows especially on netflix i was watching this thing the other day butlers and stuff no playing americans doing accents yeah and there's a show called godless which i started watching on netflix the other day oh yeah quite

good about it's like a western and it's a little town and all the men in the town or most of the men have died in a mining accident so now the town is being run by basically the women who are left. Right. They're really good characters that you get to like quite quickly, and then another mining company moves in, and they want to sort of buy the rights to the local mine off the women. Anyway, there's lots of Brits in there. Is it funny?

No, it's sort of serious serious it's got some funny moments but it's really entertaining oh give it a watch and all the brits in there there's at least three brits i can't think of any other names but they all do uh they all do the accent but i was thinking like that's one of the easier accents to do don't you think like american generic cowboy generic cowboy uh come on i can't don't think i could do yes you can come on otherwise you're not gonna get this part in the new i don't want it larry david west you do it well well everyone can go well well that's all you need to do is that it i can do that then well i pretty much that's good you've got the part

i pretty much uh this is embarrassing oh it's great come on come on it's probably someone might hear this michelle dockery she's in it she was in downton abbey jack o'connell uh jeff daniels is in it but he's a real american anyway i know that jack o'connell and michelle dockery are not american and they're doing well diane i rode into town yesterday i gotta say i saw you coming and it was pretty wonderful sight i wonder if you if you want to just climb on up onto my horse we can we can ride over this is not good it's slipping i think it's good when i I was watching it, I was thinking, God, I'm really, I could nail this. I could get this.

Yes, I think you could do it. But if I went on tape with what I just did, I wouldn't be getting another call. Depends. If I had some lines. Yeah. Then that would be good. Come on, do some cowboy things. Cowboy things?

What do you mean, cowboy things? Pretend you're in a cowboy thing. I'm not going to pretend I'm in a cowboy thing. Yes, otherwise you're not going to America. No. I don't want to go to America.

Well. I'll go for a holiday. Have you been to America on holiday? Yes. Where did you go? New York. That was nice.

Did you love it? Loved it. What did you do? I went and saw Woody Allen play the clarinet. Did you really? Yeah. No way. Are did you do? I went and saw Woody Allen play the clarinet. Did you really? Yeah.

No way. Are you that big a fan? Yeah, why not? Well. When did you go? Oh, it was a few years ago. Yeah. It was about, I don't know, oh, God, it must have been nearly 10 years ago now.

Oh, okay. Well, that was more or less. I mean, it wasn't pre all the allegations, but it was before they'd begun to really blow up. I'd see him now. Would you? Yeah. Yeah.

Went to LA. Said at the Roosevelt. Oh, I've been there. It's great. It must be haunted, isn't it, by the ghost of Marilyn Monroe. And what's the other fella diane is doing the trumpet what's he called louis armstrong no that would be good though wouldn't it waking up during the night yeah i never saw anyone though, did you? Ghost wise?

Yeah. No, I didn't see any ghosts. I saw, I can't remember anyone's name these days. She was in Natural Born Killers. I don't think I saw it. For fuck's sake. I love it when people do that little incidental music, provide their own incidental music. Yeah, do you not?

No, I'm happy with silence. You see, you and I are... That's why we differ. We're opposite, yeah. Yeah, because you don't like the awkward. You're trying to make it less awkward by going... I'm trying to please, yeah. You do that on the phone a lot.

I don't make too many phone calls. I've got a Pilates teacher now. I've changed and she can't bear silence so every now and then she'll go try to really get into that stretch you don't need to do that it's fine

silence is fine enjoy the silence just noticed that's all You don't need to do that. It's fine. Silence is fine. Enjoy the silence. Enjoy the silence. It's fine. Just noticed, that's all. I'm enjoying the silence. Yeah, see? None of us is getting hurt.

Is it awkward for you? A little bit. Juliet Lewis. Juliet Lewis! I saw her in the Roosevelt. She's a big Scientologist. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

So I went and said hello. Did you? She was really nice. But she had the Scientology tricks, which either you consider Scientology tricks or they're just basic manners and charisma. Yeah. What, shooting hot lasers through her eyes?

Exactly. Yeah. Keeping eye contact, fixing eye contact, staying with it. Clasping the hand. Yeah, double handshake. Or the hand on top. Yep, yep, yep, yep. Sealing the name in.

Exactly. But, you know. Lovely to meet you, Adam. It has been pointed out to me by some Scientologists that, you know, that's not peculiar to Scientology. That's just techniques that might work well for anyone, regardless of their insane religious beliefs. Yeah. We're halfway through the podcast.

I think it's going really great. The conversation's flowing like it would between a geezer and his mate. All right, mate. Hello, geezer. I'm pleased to see you. There's so much chemistry. It's like a science lab of talking. I'm interested in what you said.

Thank you. There's fun chat and there's deep chat. It's like Chris Evans is meeting Stephen Hawking. You don't have children, right? No. Can't bear them. Can't bear them, she says, sounding like her character in... Motherland.

Motherland. Yeah. Never wanted them. Did you not? No. Urgh, what's wrong with you? That's more like it. I don't know.

I always thought when I was younger, I always thought, I don't want kids, but maybe that'll change when I get older. Yeah. But it hasn't, not for a fleeting second right but i think you know some people oh that's uh an email from social services saying that it's people like you but it'd be wrong for me to feel like this and bring a child into the world wouldn't it to be sort of misanthropic yeah to say i don't they're not for me but that's why i'm here so i better pop one out i agree with you it would be totally wrong too many people have children as it is yeah it's too many of them and breeding like rats we can't you know and what and the thing is that even people like me who think, oh, I'm going to be a great parent. I'm going to be terrific.

I'm such a nice guy. What a lucky child to have me as a dad. And within six years, you realize, uh-oh. I'm not so good at this. I'm an absolute prick. And now I'm going to, if I'm not very careful, I'm just going to pass it all on to them. Did you feel a big need for kids then? Did you get like, oh, I really want kids?

No. No. But did your wife? Yes, a little bit more. She was more proactive. Yeah. And I sort of just went along with it a little bit. But then as soon as it became a

realistic possibility i was very excited yeah and now obviously i can't imagine life without my children i feel as if i'm much happier now than i was before yeah even with all the problems that there are with parenting chemicals in your brain don don't they? I guess so. And there is something, yeah. It's probably like love. It is. It's deep, deep love. It's like when you first fell in love, you know, with someone and you couldn't stop thinking about them

and just the thought of them made you happy. But it's also like love in that it can be very painful and difficult. But then I have every sympathy with people who get fed up with being asked whether they have children and when are you going to have children and shouldn't you have children? I'm sure that's a total wind up. I don't think. People don't normally ask me. It's only started coming up since I did Motherland.

Yeah. Before that, no one asked me if I had kids ever. It's not something I would normally ask someone. I only ask. No, I don't. I'm barren. Happy now? I mean, like, because that could happen.

Exactly. That could happen exactly that could happen yeah but i wonder why people want kids i can't think why why would you want kids is it i think some people some people genuinely say they want someone to look after them in their old age which is terrible also it's unlikely yes they'd be off wouldn't they yeah but sometimes i think you just want to see what you and your partner would look like so surely just get some sort of app that would show you i'd sort of merge the two of you and go that's what it looked like happy now you don't need a kid you could you could uh bring that out that app yeah i could incorporate it into the adam

buxton app especially if you have to kind of incubate it like nine months that would be good then it comes out and you see what it looks like i could do it with george mombio as a incentive for um preserving the world's resources it takes money out of your account all the time until it's like 18 that's a really good idea. I wonder if that exists. If it doesn't, it should, yeah. That's good. Are you doing more Motherland?

Yeah. There'll definitely be another series. But it's difficult getting all the writers in one room together too, because they're all... Sharon Horgan, Holly Walsh. And Mr and Mrs Linehan. Right.

Yeah. And so they're Linehan. Right. Yeah. And so they're all, you know, successful and busy. Did you sit in on the writing sessions? No, no. No, no, no. You've written stuff though, right? Only like sketches and stand-up. I've never written a whole sitcom.

Do you have any desire to do that? Yes, I do. And that's what I'm trying to do at the moment that's why i'm here ignoring what i'm meant to be doing oh okay yeah have you written a sitcom i've tried how do you find writing very very painful and boring when you're writing on your own it's a nightmare yeah isn't it it's horrible and every decision is down to you and after a while you get snow blindness, don't you? You don't know.

You read over something so many times that you just feel numb to it all. What about that plane? I don't mind aeroplanes. You like an aeroplane in the background? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's good. Keep it real. Yeah, exactly.

I see when they clip things like that out. TV and stuff. There's no need. I i know when you're filming and there's a plane and it might be miles away it's not going to throw people is it oh planes happen yeah just makes it very hard to edit that's the only thing i've been in things i've said can i wear a hat in this scene i was like no and i said why in this of all because you weren't wearing a hat in the last scene. Won't people just assume that I've put a hat on? You know, who cares? No one cares.

Do we really need continuity? People do care. No, continuity people are very important. Continuity people are important. It's just a bit annoying, isn't it? They take their jobs very seriously. Yeah. You slurped your tea on the second line, but not on the third.

If you could slurp your tea between that word and that word, that would really help us. That's right. And the line is actually, we went into the house. You just said, we went in the house. What does it matter what are your top techniques for procrastination when you're writing um looking at old youtube clips of the supernatural the supernatural yeah do you love ghosts yeah i love anything it's got to be from the 70s i don't know why yeah i love like things about quicksand quicksand ball lightning i mean any of that kind of stuff not supernatural

what but it all kind of i don't know why it gets lumped in with that kind of era of weird stuff yeah spoon bending anything weird they just don't have shows like that cynical spontaneous human combustion squeaky doll you're gonna leave that in yeah all of it i mean we're in we're in someone else's house and the people in the house have to be able to get on with their own lives yeah yeah it's a lovely house by the way yes. Yes, my friend Mark. Thanks, Mark. Thanks, Mark. Spontaneous... Yes, well, I'll watch little clips of people from the 70s talking about weird things.

I love that. It's been observed before, but there isn't so much spontaneous human combustion as there used to be. Yeah, why is that? Is it something to do... Because it was usually an old woman sat by a fire in a nylon dressing gown Smoking

With petrol Is that what it was It wasn't always Sometimes it would be a young man Frying some eggs and it would just leave his legs From the knee down Right, there were amazing photos In those books weren't they

Yeah black and white thank god Photo of the Yeti Yeah Yeti, spontaneous human combustion There were amazing photos in those books, weren't they? Yeah, black and white, thank God. Photo of the Yeti. Yeah, Yeti. Spontaneous human combustion. Photo of people being levitated. Orbs. Photo of sort of ghosts. Wasn't it the Enfield haunting, those girls hovering in the air?

Yeah, but they were jumping. They were jumping on the bed, weren't they? That's not ghosts. Do you believe in all that stuff? I'd like to say that I keep an open mind, but really, I sort of enjoy the madness of it. I enjoy watching and hearing stuff like that, whether I believe it or not.

I mean, do I believe in ghosts? I did a whole radio show called Diane Morgan Believes in Ghosts, a three-hour radio show. Diane Morgan Believes in Ghosts, a three-hour radio show. What was in it? Ghosts. There's a lot of archive footage about people talking about what they'd seen. Yeah. We don't have any scientists on it.

We don't have anyone going, well, it could have been, you know, it was all just people's stories. What have you seen? have been there you know it was all just people's stories what have you seen toya wilcox uh had a dinner party where she invited ruler lenska around and it's great ruler lenska went down to toya wilcox's cellar and saw these little children walking towards her fainted toya said ruler what's wrong i really said i saw these little children walking towards me and it turns out that toyah wilcox's house used to be used to keep the plague plague children in in her cellar so they wouldn't get out and you have to control the contamination. Explain that, Adam. Could it have been Toya and Robert Fripp's children?

Oh, yeah. She's married to Robert Fripp, I think. She's married to Robert Fripp. Yeah. Fripp's a great name, isn't it? It is. So what would distract you when you're writing? Oh, my God. Everything.

I mean, you know. Food. If there's biscuits, I'll eat them. Sure. Food. Food. uh trips to the toilet admin oh admin's a big one isn't it yeah because admin just leads to more admin and exactly the thing that happens to me is i'll have to log on to some website in order to pay some bill or whatever but i haven't got the right software to log on or i've got to get the password from some other website and so i've got to i'll forget

a password and i have to reset another password and that'll drive me around the bend i'll give you an example of one that happened to me the other day it's not a picture of a walnut behind you just not yes uh maybe it's a walnut behind you. Just an artist. Maybe it's a walnut. Or maybe it's one of those fruits that ends up getting dried and put in Christmassy things. A dried fruit? Like a kumquat or something.

Oh, you have kumquats in your Christmas pudding? No. I don't know what I'm talking about. What the hell is it? It's very low down as well, isn't it? I'll take a picture of it listeners and put it on the website pop it on that i think they'll be interested to see this you never think um i had to i used to this is probably a this is a story that's probably gonna get cut yes it's so

boring oh very controversial go on it's so boring but i can't stop myself telling it to you now yeah no i'm dying to hear it now i've really sold it well um i used to have an app that enabled me to make wi-fi calls i mean so if i was on the wi-fi i wouldn't have to pay for for it you know a little bit like skype or whatever and then the app expired one day they just said oh the app's not gonna work anymore sorry bye bastards if you want to carry on using wi-fi for your free calls then you have to get a different tariff so i had to phone up my mobile provider and say okay look i need to shift onto this new tariff so i can make wi-fi calls remind me remind me why the fuck you got me out of my house where i was writing

this is brilliant so i phoned him up and I said, I need a new tariff because I want to make Wi-Fi calls. And I'm going to give you the short version of the story. Two hours later, two hours later, the person I was speaking to revealed to me that they had misunderstood what I was trying to achieve. And rather than changing my tariff they had set up an entirely new phone account for me which i started getting billed for immediately from then and i have now had to spend some time getting the account cancelled and that was all just because i wanted to make fucking wi-fi calls because the app expired. Anyway, so that shit happens. Yeah, that happens.

And that stops you writing. Pornography, obviously. Obviously. You spend a lot of time looking at porn. Do you know any women that do? No, and if they do, they haven't told me about it. Don't discuss that.

Maybe I should. It is likely that it's something that men struggle with more than women. Yeah. I think that's another reason to go to a cafe, isn't it? Yeah. Because you get faster Wi-Fi and you can look at really great porn. I went to the library once. I thought, well, maybe that's a good place to write.

And there were some men there looking at, well, one man. There was a few men, but one on the internet. And he's there looking at, well, one man. There was a few men, but one on the internet. And he was just looking at arses. Like a full view of everyone. Just arse after arse after arse. So I don't go there anymore. Hey, everybody in the modern time.

They got to get themselves a podcast. I will do yours and you'll do mine we're sorting out the problems of the world so fast alright I'm going to fire some oh god quick fire question it's not Richard Herring style who?

you've been on his show right everyone's yeah so you can go into as much detail or not oh they've got charbonneau walker chocolates oh shit love those i bought those for you are you joking no they're my favorite chocolates you're joking no i went and bought you a present no No way. Because I was in Waitrose. Oh, my God. And I thought I should get Diane something. Oh. And they had a Valentine's Day display.

Yeah. So I thought, well, I'll see how these go down. Oh. So I got you some. Oh, my God. You describe them. Yes, I'll describe it. Chardonnay Walker Milk Sea Salt Caramel Truffles.

Yeah. These are superb. I'll treat myself to these once in a while. Not all the time because they're an absolute luxury. Yeah. Have you tried the champagne truffles? No. Oh, treat yourself.

Really? Yeah. Are they not too sickly? No, they're not. That's the beauty of these. They're not sickly at all. It's the little bit of salt. Thank you so much oh god you're

welcome i appreciate you coming here and listening to my stories hello good i'm so glad you like them that's great thank you now how are you going to respond to these then what's this beautiful blends bathing petals oh how lovely they look indulge yourself describe them indulge yourself in a bath full of beautifully scented petals leaving your skin feeling soft and your senses invigorated scatter the petals into the bath oh this is what a lovely gift is that something you might actually use i'll definitely be using these. Great. Absolutely.

What's that film called? American Beauty. Oh, does it have a smell? Delicious. Oh, wow. It smells like toilet cleaner.

Yeah, it does a bit. What's your favorite smell? That's a good question, isn't it? Yeah. Oh man, I know exactly what it is, but I don't know

the name of it sandalwood it might be it might be that's the word that was in my head but i'm not sure if it is actually sandalwood what does it smell like where have you smelt this on men metrosexual men yeah my friend ed wears it he's never said to Ed, what's that smell? I have, but my memory is just getting worse by the second. Yeah. I don't know if it's sandalwood. I also like patchouli. Patchouli, yeah. Have you ever smelt Sharon Horgan?

Yeah, yeah. She smells delicious. Exactly. Everyone that gets near her goes, oh, God, you smell nice. Well, we talked about it when she was on the podcast. Yeah, I talked about it. What are you wearing? It's a blend of two, isn't it?

One of them's patchouli and something else. Thank you for these. Not at all. Yeah, she smells absolutely lovely. If you ever would see her in the street, go and have a sniff of her. A person that smells nice is a real treat, isn't it? Because it's not something you expect of people necessarily i hate it when you walk past someone in the street and they reek like they've had a bath in

mosque oh i see too much it's usually teenagers that don't understand yeah they're just trying to attract someone aren't they yeah they just they think i'll have a bath in... Splash it all over. Yeah. And you walk past them and it's sort of nauseating. Oh, God. What do you smell of? Well, today I've got on Le... Number five. Not number five. Le number five.

How are you spelling that? It's L apostrophe... I can't remember. U-G-H. E-A... I don't know. I can't remember. It-G-H. E-A, I don't know, I can't remember. It's the... E-A-U.

L'eau. L'eau. L'eau. The French for water. Water, number five. You've got water on. I've got water down number five. That's basically what it is.

It is. It's like a sort of watered down version of Chanel number five. Uh-huh. It's not as heady. Yeah. And what's your favourite smell, though? Jasmine. Jasmine.

Yeah. I bloody love jasmine. Yeah. Cannot get enough of the smell. Where do you find jasmine, typically? Do you have... Wafting out of jasmine trees abroad, usually. So, presumably, you live in London, right?

Yeah. Presumably, there aren't too many jasmine trees. No, no. I love Turkish Delight as well. Do you? Yeah. Presumably there aren't too many jasmine trees. I love Turkish Delight as well. Do you? Yeah. Like Mr Tumnus. Who? In The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe.

Is it him who loves Turkish Delight? No, it's one of the children. Oh, I don't see that. I've never seen Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. It's a pretty good story actually. Narnia, all that stuff. It's for posh kids isn't it? Come on, that stuff. It's for posh kids, isn't it? Lion, the Witch and the Mordor.

Come on, that's very reductive. Well, it is, isn't it? You know, what did we have? Nothing. Kez, that's what we had. Dead bird in a bin. No magic, no sorcery. Dead birds in bins.

I don't think anyone was stopping you from reading the Narnia stories, though, were they? No, it was my own stupid pig-headedness. Guess. So, Favourite Smells is a great question, isn't it? Maybe not. But in bits. Did you ever see Ring of Bright Water? Ring of... Is that a film?

Yeah. No, is it a Japanese film? No. It sounds like a japanese film no it's about beavers i can't believe this is happening i thought if you liked kez then you're right it's a it's a it's a beautiful film about nature do you think kez is a beautiful film about nature yeah about the love between humans and a boy and his bird and birds it's beautiful kez beautiful and bleak can we talk about tapeworms yeah man have you ever had one never but uh i was reading a story about did you not see this in the news it was like last week or

the week before there was a man and he went to the toilet and a tapeworm came out of his back passage it happens well he started pulling on it oh yeah and five foot six inches of live tapeworm came out of his bottom. Wow. Are they really tough then? They must be tough. Five foot six. Apparently it had been moving around in his stomach for years and he thought it was gas. So he starts pulling on it.

At what point when you're pulling on a tapeworm do you go, maybe this is intestine. Maybe I shouldn't be pulling on this exactly what else is going to come out he rolled it round toilet roll took it to his GP is this true

this is absolutely true what was in the paper google it put five foot six tapeworm sadly it died in transit I'm sorry yeah

but it's happening more and more because people are eating sushi no that's what it is this man he ate sushi every day did he yeah he loved it he loved it holy i love salmon's the worst salmon sushi have you found it yeah there should be a picture of it he had a sort of close-up picture of the tapeworm's face. That latches onto the side of your bowel. Isn't that awful? It's the stuff of nightmares, isn't it? Where's he eating sushi from, though?

I guess if you get supermarket sushi... Bad sushi, is that what you're saying? Yeah, I love sushi. I don't like sushi. For that reason? No, I've never liked sushi. I don't think we should be eating raw fish. Why? Because it's unhygienic I don't think we should be eating raw fish. Why?

Because it's unhygienic? It just feels wrong. Feels wrong? Yeah. What would you do if you were on a desert island? Cook it. Build a little fire. Uh-huh.

That's a good answer. Yeah. Man pulls five and a half foot tapeworm from his body. Doctor suggests sushi to blame. Yep. A Fresno, California man pulled a five and a half foot long tapeworm from his body his daily sushi habit may be the culprit on the this won't hurt a bit podcast i'm just publicizing someone else's podcast dr kenny ban an emergency medicine physician from san francisco's fresno

campus told the stomach churning story of a patient who came to his emergency department in 2017. Ban, on the podcast, said the man came into Community Regional Medical Center complaining of bloody diarrhea and asking to be treated for worms. Ban was a bit sceptical until the man showed him what was in the plastic grocery bag he was holding. Oh, God. It was the worm.

Oh. In a bag. That came out of your bottom? Ban recalled asking. Yes, he said. Yes. Yes. Yes, it did. The man described how he sat on the toilet, at first thinking his intestines were coming out of his body.

Well, you would, wouldn't you? So he grabs what he thinks are entrails, pulls and takes a look. You see, I don't think most people would have a tug. I think they would try and tuck them in, don't you? Like in war films. I don't know. I mean, it's how much you start pulling. There's a point, isn't there, where you can't put it back in.

I'm really sorry I brought that up. I've been talking about it to everyone. No one's read the story. I was telling Charlie Brocker about it yesterday. Yeah. So don't be surprised if it becomes a black mirror. Okay. Yeah, that would be a good premise for a black mirror, though, wouldn't it?

Take over the world. Internal body horror, David Cronenberg style. Did you like The Fly? Did you ever see that? Yeah, I loved The Fly. Yeah. Oh, that's good, isn't it take over the world internal body horror david cronenberg style did you like the fly do you ever see that yeah i love the fly yeah that's good isn't no cgi in the fly no it's all real yeah what's your favorite bit in the fly where his nails come off exactly yes that is the bit isn't it isn't it yes that is the exact bit that is way more horrific than anything in any other horror film. Isn't it amazing? Body horror. Just his nail coming off.

Holy Christ. Physical deterioration is something that all of us have to deal with. I suppose that's why it's so horrifying to see it in that film. I mean, getting older, it's like a kind of horror film that takes your whole life to happen. Yeah, yeah. In a way, it's sort of not worth living, is it? For the ending, you know. Yeah.

Oh, it just gets worse and worse. All right, listen, fuck it. I really like how you wrap up a show. All right, listen, fuck it. We've talked for long enough. That's what Parky should have done, isn't it? All Alright, listen, fuck it. We've talked for long enough. That's what Parky should have done, isn't it? Alright, listen, fuck it. Wait.

This is an advert for Squarespace. Every time I visit your website I see success. Yes, success. The way that you look at the world makes the world Want to say yes, it looks very professional I love browsing your videos and pics and I don't want to stop And I'd like to access your members area and spend in your shop.

These are the kinds of comments people will say about your website if you build it with Squarespace. Just visit squarespace.com slash Buxton for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, because you will want to launch, use the offer code BUXTON to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. So put the smile of success on your face with Squarespace. Yes. Continue. Make sure the colors are right. Yes Continue Make sure the colors are right A bit more music there to fill the silence

Especially for Diane Hope you enjoyed that as much as i did diane morgan thanks diane important other news we got our taps fixed the kitchen taps which regular listeners will know were making life almost intolerably painful in castle buckuckles. They got fixed! It's amazing! They got fixed over a week ago now, but every single time I go into the kitchen, it's like being on holiday on a beautiful, relaxing island. Because there's not the constant

Eraserhead soundtrack playing that there used to be. It's almost worth it to have those problems just for the feeling of euphoria you get when they're solved. Rosie! Rosie! Come on, let's head back. We do not want to get in trouble with mum this week. Come on. Oh, it's so muddy. Rosie, you're going to ah well done dog log how are you where have you been have you been at the mud club it's pretty crazy out there isn't it right let's head back mum's gonna be so pleased when we turn up and you're there and she doesn't have to go and do her high-pitched nighttime shouting routine. Right now, Adam Buxton app bonus content news.

Whoa, exciting. I was talking to Diane about Mark E. Smith there. And since his death, I've been thinking a lot about him and about the fall in general. I guess that's something that happens, isn't it, when people die is you start reassessing what they meant to you. And I've realised what an important part of my life the Falls music has been over the years and continues to be. And it prompted me to go back and listen again to a conversation that was recorded at the Norwich Arts Festival in late 2016.

at the Norwich Arts Festival in late 2016, between myself and Pivotal 4 member and ex-Mrs Marquis Smith, Bricks, Bricks Smith Start. She was promoting her book, The Rise, The Fall and The Rise. It was a very entertaining conversation, so I put it in the bonus audio section of the Adam Buxton app, where it will be available exclusively to app users for the next few months before it emerges as part of the regular podcast run at some point. Download the app and you will find that and other bonus podcast episodes,

as well as jingles from this podcast and videos and other great, great stuff. There's one or two things there that you have to pay a small fee to get access to, but the vast majority of it is free. Now, just before I go go a couple more podcast recommendations i'm glad that so many of you checked out those ones i recommended last week the fortunately podcast and stop podcasting yourself a couple of music-based podcasts this week that i really enjoy that you might get something out of too the The A to Z of Bowie podcast, hosted by X4 member and friend of the podcast and Six Music DJ Mark Riley and journalist Rob Hughes.

Big, big Bowie obsessives who chat through anecdotes and facts, both familiar and obscure, about Zayvid. And it's a really enjoyable listen I do recommend it I find it very comforting to listen to them chatting away about about Bowie all kind of organized in loosely alphabetical fashion little chunks of info and stories and the other podcast if you're a music fan and you're interested in hearing stories well i was talking to johnny greenwood about the whole business of analyzing how songs are put together and johnny was turning his nose up at the idea but not all musicians are as reluctant as he is to talk about their craft and if you like hearing that sort of thing check out soda jerker on songwriting soda jerker are two liverpool-based songwriters

simon barber and brian o'connor and they get together and conduct interviews with a load of really great musicians about the songwriters craft they've had some wonderful people on so far robin hitchcock john grant joan armor trading sparks joe jackson emily sanday noel gallagher vandyke parks so far. Robin Hitchcock, John Grant, Joan Armatrading, Sparks, Joe Jackson, Emily Sandé, Noel Gallagher, Van Dyke Parks, Cat Stevens. I haven't heard all these ones, actually. I'm going to have to look them up. They might be giants. Lamont Dozier, Michelle, Indegio Cello. And they're really good, well-researched interviews that they conduct, which I think you'll enjoy a lot if you're interested in that kind of thing. Soda Jerker on songwriting.

Right, time to head back. It's cold. Thank you so much to Seamus Murphy Mitchell for production support on this episode and to Matt Lamont for his edit whiz-bottory. Thank you very much for downloading. Thanks once again to Diane Morgan. Until we are next together in podcast space,

take very good care. I love you. Bye! Bye. Subscribe, please like and subscribe. Give me a big smile and a thumbs up. Nice, like a five for me, thumbs up. Give me a big smile and a thumbs up. Nice, like a five for me, thumbs up. Please like and subscribe. Please like and subscribe.

Please like and subscribe. Please like and subscribe. Give me a big smile and a thumbs up. Give me a big smile and a thumbs up. Give me a big smile and a thumbs up. ស្រូវាប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ប់ Thank you. you