THE ADAM BUXTON PODCAST - EP.88 - ADAM & JOE

Episode Date: December 25, 2018

Adam enjoys some festive waffle with Joe Cornish.Thanks to Séamus Murphy-Mitchell for production support and to Matt Lamont for additional editing.Music and jingles by Adam Buxton (except for use of ‘Barnicle Bill The Sailor’ and karaoke backing tracks from ‘Hamilton’ by Lin Manuel Miranda for ‘Buckleton’ songs)RELATED LINKSBEAM (HOMELESS CHARITY) https://beam.org/MS SOCIETYhttps://www.mssociety.org.uk/‘THE KID WHO WOULD BE KING’ TRAILERhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cJlxP5P9v9c Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I added one more podcast to the giant podcast bin Now you have plucked that podcast out and started listening I took my microphone and found some human folk Then I recorded all the noises while we spoke My name is Adam Buxton, I'm a man I want you to enjoy this, that's the plan. Hey, how you doing, podcats? Adam Buxton here.

Out for a walk in the Norfolk countryside with my beautiful dog friend, Rosie. The weather, as I speak, is, I would say, grody. It's cold, it's damp, and it's bitey as well. So I'm not going to spend too long waffling in this intro. We're going to get into the festivities with Joe as quickly as possible. But hey, merry festive non-denominational area to you. Or, if you're a more religious podcat, happy Jesus party. Thank you so much for joining me. I hope you're having a nice day wherever you are, whether you're with lots of people or just sat there on your own.

I hope you're okay. It's good to be with you. A couple of little shout-outs before we get into the main podcast. The first is a message from Joseph Lyon. This is one of the messages we got sent a couple of weeks ago that were posted on my blog. I asked people to send in stuff that we might read out on the Christmas podcast. I don't normally read stuff out from listeners, but you know, it's Jesus party time, so it's different. uh are you ready joseph lyons family and friends here we go joe says my wife amri and myself are having a baby no one knows yet they do now joe would be great if you could just let them all know i just did that joe cheers cheers to you joe congratulations And I wish you all the very best for the new arrival in 2019.

Another quick shout out. Now, people sometimes say to me, oh, Buckles, thank you so much for the absolutely free great, great podcast. I wish there was some way that I could repay your generosity. Well, there is.

You could support BEAM. B-E-A-M. They are a charity that provides a better way to help a person who has become homeless than just giving them a few pennies. And I would say that it is way better than just walking past them and feeling guilty as well as slightly annoyed that you feel guilty because you didn't do anything wrong. Anyway, BEAM is a new website that offers homeless people the option of getting off the streets by providing employment training. BEAM assigns each person a caseworker who supports them through the training and into work, all the while keeping you up to date with their progress, if you so wish. Before you make up your mind about BEAM, pay them a quick visit at visit at beam.org which is where you can read stories from people who've been helped by beam so far so see what you think that's beam.org i've put

a little link in the description of this podcast to simplify the process for you i'm sure your support would be much appreciated so the christmas podcast Not too much to explain, I don't think. I've tried to make it family-friendly. I believe I've removed or covered up most of the swear bombs. I mean, some of the content perhaps is still a bit fruity. I don't know, but you should be okay, I think, if you're listening with the family, more or less. But I met up with Joe Cornballs Cornish earlier this month, December 2018, and we continued our tradition of getting together at this time of year, waffling, exchanging gifts,

and laughing weasely. We read out a handful of messages from listeners. We talked a little bit about Joe's new film, The Kid Who Would Be King, which hits UK cinemas on February the 15th, 2019. Ooh, exciting. There's also in the podcast a visit from the Queen. There's the premiere of a couple of songs from Buckleton the Musical, including some terrific rapping from Rosie, and another installment of the Doodle Story. Don't get too excited. But we began with a Christmassy version

of one of our old six music podcast jingles, which I dug out of the vaults and stuck a bit of tinsel on. And that resulted in an in-depth and very festive discussion of deodorant. There goes Alan Partridge. All right, back at the end for a couple more festive shout-outs.

But right now, here we go. Hey you, back at the end for a couple more festive shout-outs, but right now, here we go! from? I don't know. Adam and Joe are here to make things right. Their vaguely festive chatter will illuminate your night. Your spirits will be lifted. Your problems will be solved. Unless they're really serious, then we just can't get involved. They got together in a Christmas podcast hut. They had some holy water and a special festive nut. They gave each other gifts. They read some stuff you sent in. And Adam went to school with a boy whose name was Quentin. Is that true? I did, yeah. He was the person that first told me I needed deodorant.

Really? Yeah. That's a terrible day for everybody. It's a sad day, isn't it? When they hear they need deodorant. Do children not need deodorant? Oh, yeah, they definitely do. All through their youth well

it depends does there come a day when it's like they comes a day yeah oh you stink it's happened with my children they reach what age well it varies massively it's got younger maturity level i think in the olden days it used well it used to be much younger because they used to work in pits and in armpits in armpits they used to work in giant adult armpits they provided the stink for the armpits stench they didn't actually have the stench i don't know yeah it's getting younger the children are maturing quicker they eat more crap that stinks policemen are getting younger policemen are getting younger everybody's getting younger we're getting older and one day quentin in the locker rooms said,

and I thought he was a really funny guy, by the way. You admired him. I just thought he was a crack-up. You looked up to him. Yeah, he was in the year above, and he was sardonic, even though I didn't know that word at the time. So his words had weight, they had value. Yeah, I thought, he's funny, I like him.

I like the way he says things. And one of the things he said one day was, God, you stink. You need deodorant. Yes. And I was like, oh, I do, don't I? Can one smell one's own stink? It's not very Christmassy, this, is it?

So listeners should imagine that the stink we're talking about is the stink of cinnamon. Of mulled wine. That's what Santa's armpits smell like. This is a way to make the... Exactly, and his elves. Santa stinks of Santa's armpits smell like. This is a way to make the... Exactly. And his elves. Santa stinks of cinnamon.

His elves are like pine needles. What does Mrs. Claus smell like? Regret. She has a good time because he only works, like, one day a year. Yeah, she smells of gin and mulled wine. Right. She drinks very heavily. That's why the cheeks are so rosy.

Exactly. So he says you're stinky and what you feel very deflated. Yeah, I was really stung and very self-conscious suddenly. Yeah, it really hurt, actually. Well, it's good that you've taken this Christmas podcast as an opportunity to get your own back on, Quentin. Let's hope he's listening. Thus began my adventure with deodorant. First, I went for a spray.

This was back in the 80s. That's because all the adverts featured sexy torsos and a, like, circular camera move. And they'd spray their whole upper body. Sure, sure. Well, it's interesting you said sure, sure as one of the big deodorant brands where they put a tick on the back, right?

They would just spray from one side of the room to the other and the whole not just the body the whole room yeah that's the way to do it but then you graduated to a roll a roller i graduated to the roll-on roll-on rat and now i'm on a stick what is the difference between oh because it's just like a sort of solid chunk of because a roll-on is just a ball that dispenses a sticky liquid that moistur it's just like a sort of solid chunk of because a roll-on is just a ball that dispenses a sticky liquid that moisturizes itself yeah like a giant barrow exactly like an underarm byro exactly whereas a stick is like a piece of chalk or a lipstick a stick is like you're painting it on i use a stick as well yeah yeah my mum was the one that

told me she's always been my guru as far as a stench guru hygiene she sniff you as a child well obviously not because she didn't out of your hair she didn't uh like a gorilla catch me being absolutely she did do that did she she did used to this is no so not very christmassy like he's so rude about your mum and quentin that's what christ Christmas is about. And Mrs Claus. Being a reverend. It's about being honest. Brutally honest.

And what, if I may ask, is the brand of your stick that you're favouring these days? Well, I was thinking about this, actually, in terms of mentioning brand names on your podcast. Because we were bound by very strict rules on BBC Six Music, right? In theory. But we used to always say other services are available. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. What is it? So are you bound by rules? Well, it's a bit of a grey area.

Or could you just mention how you love Ferraris? How difficult it is to get sometimes from your podcast appointments and how the car you'd love to be seen in, even just for a week... Yeah. ...would be a Ferrari. Well, once I got sent a Jazz Apple mug because I mentioned that I liked Jazz Apples. Wow. That's impressive.

So after that, that was chastening because I thought, whoa, look, this is out of control. I've got a lot of power here. I don't want to abuse it. There are YouTubers that do that professionally, right? Influencers. Influencers. And they've turned that, so it's not like something that is unheard of in the world of self-created content

or whatever it's called. No, but I mean... Anything goes. Well, you know, you and I, we've done adverts in the past. We've got bendy principles. I wouldn't really call them adverts. What do you call something

that has a negative effect on the sales of the product? A sadvert. A sadvert. Something that actually damages the brand. And gets everyone fired. mean that has a negative effect on the sales of the product a sad vert a sad vert something that actually damages the brand and gets everyone fired they haven't named it because it wasn't their intention yeah i think they the whole creative team from virgin mobile was fired weren't they i can't remember anyway i think i think one team got fired but so um so when you ask me what brand of deodorant I use, my mind immediately goes to a big box of them arriving at my house.

But that probably won't happen, will it? I don't think so. I wouldn't encourage that. I'm not an influencer in that way. I'm Clinique for Men. Clinique for Men. I'm all over Clinique. Yeah.

That's what I use to keep myself looking old and tired. How many hours of Great Great Protection are you getting? I don't know. I use it once a day. Right, okay. Yeah. My brand, Mitchum. Mitchum?

Robert Mitchum invented it. Really? I don't know. I've never heard of that brand. Have you not? No. I think I'm... Well, I was aware of the women's version, but I think they've brought out a version for men because...

Bitchum. It was not called Bitchum. That's so un-2018. It really is. That's terrible. That's the kind of thing. Oh, God. Oh, hashtag.

Cornballs. It's a dog joke. It's like... That's what Rosie wears. That's what Rosie wears, Bitchum. And my mum recommended this brand because she said it was giving her incredible protection for up to 48 hours.

And I think because of the success of the thing, they started marketing it for men as well. So how long have you been using Mitchum for? It's been in my life for around five years now. Oh. So your mum recommended it to you five years ago? Yeah. Yeah.

Why, he's Christ. I don't know. It's just, it seems to me like an odd conversation for a mother to have with her son. Maybe it's the right sort of conversation. I seem to remember there was a lull in the conversation. I was reaching for something to say, and I said, I managed to remember that I'd been thinking for the past few days, my deodorant is letting me down on a regular basis.

The whole thing does sound like a commercial. It really was like a commercial, because I was suddenly thinking like, oh man, I'm a bit whiffy, and I haven't even done that much today. What's going on? So I said that to my mum, and she said, you should try. In my voice? Yes, she changed voice, totally. Really?

For my stressful routine, I like to rely on the 48-hour protection offered me by Mitchum. Wow, it's like a fairy tale or Cinderella, like, that they can be so precise about how long it lasts. Yeah, well, of course it is. Like the coach turning into a pumpkin. It's totally random. Like when the clock ticks 24, suddenly a massive stench. They could say any number of morons like me

would totally lap it up. Anyway, hey, man. Hello. How are you doing? Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Good to see you. It's exciting, isn't it?

It is exciting. Do you still like Christmas? Yeah. I love Christmas because there's just a nice feeling in the air. Do you know what I mean? The collective consciousness.

Right. Everybody's being nice. They are trying to be a bit nicer. Aren't they to each other and friendly? Yeah, kind of. Just for one day. Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

Boxing day, the sales are back on. Is there a news bulletin on Christmas Day? Yeah. That seems sacrilege to me. There should be no news, just a day with no news on Christmas Day. Nothing. Everything stops. Unless there's natural disasters, they skew it towards things like people having fun. Because nothing's happening.

Yeah. Generally. Except in places where they don't celebrate Christmas. They say everyone got together at the Vatican and they held candles and suddenly that's news. It's a lovely day. Yeah. Particularly after a pretty tedious year of events. But, I mean, isn't it always like that these days?

Yes. It's going to be like that for a while, isn't it? Until everything gets sorted out. So, anyway, we're going to ignore all that. We're not going to do much topical, except for I'm a celebrity get me out of here 2018 now i'm assuming you watched it we watched like three minutes of it and what we saw no that's not true i watched a whole noel episode okay because i was excited by no yeah because you

like no well he's a complex mysterious figure there's two people you like on there that i thought oh joe might like this. Who was the other one? There was Noel Edmonds and there was Nick Knowles. So you didn't get as far as finding out that Nick Knowles has discovered that actually people didn't land on the moon. Really? And it's just been a load of lies. Yeah.

He's blown it wide open. Really? Mm-hmm. The whole lunar conspiracy? The whole scam. How were there two light sources on the moon? Yeah. What's that all about?

It's absurd. It's absurd. He knows the operating temperature for Kodak film, and it would not operate on the moon, because it's very cold on the moon. So that's a load of baloney. He may have inhaled too much, like, glue and paint fumes. Okay. I think that way, because he that's a load of baloney he may have inhaled too much like glue and paint fumes okay i think that way because he's done a lot of makeovers yeah often under

terrific pressure of time and there are spillages and accidents he's probably hit his head like if you have to renovate a whole house in 60 minutes is that the show he does then you cut corners chemically that can really screw your head not wearing the right protection you should talk to handy andy yeah he's probably got about a pint of mdf dust cruising around his system in actually in his brain clogging his synapses yeah like when you get banana in your laptop and you take it to the Apple Centre and they go, well, it'll work, but only on a Nick Knowles level. Do you want it or do you want to buy a new one?

And he's, he just kept it going. He's got banana under some of the keys. The logic board is water damaged. Yeah, the bit that deals with... Because, yeah, I mean, there's all sorts of alternative literature that would debunk that. About the moon? Yeah.

What, you're saying to me that they actually landed on the moon? There's strong arguments in favour of that. I tell you your problem, you've just been surrounded by yes-men all the time. Danny Wallace. Doing your film flim-flam, whatever the hell you do. Maybe it's true. Yeah?

And you're surrounded by all these people making films about, oh, wouldn't it be great to go to space? And you've lapped it up. You've watched First Man and you've thought, ooh, how exciting, I'm so proud. Balls. So how did you deal with Edmonds? Because you know he was first out.

I do. And talking of conspiracy theories I feel that might be a scam in what way? a fix because Edmonds is a player he's a TV god he's a legend

he knows how it works he knows how the game works and you're not going to get Edmonds into celebrity without some serious contractual negotiations I'd like to see that contract your wife should look over that contract. It would be a fascinating artefact. Well, he had a run-in with Holly Willoughby

on Breakfast TV at some point. He denies that. Does he? He says that was trumped up by the newspapers to sell a story. Fake news. He says, I know a disturbing amount about this. And the contract, what do you think, like, what kind of things does he...

Why would he want to be first out? He stipulated that he had to be treated like an emperor. He stipulated that he was going to sleep in a bed. I'll do it, but I'm not sleeping in a hammock. I don't sleep in hammocks. I have back problems. Serious medical back problems. This is conjecture at this point.

This is conjecture. This is what I'm imagining. This is what I would do if I was him. And I need walls. And they go, OK, we've got to put him in a bed. Well, let's make a sort of joke out of it and make him the emperor and build him a special thing. And it can be like a thing. They said, I'll do one trial.

I'll do one trial and that's it, then I'm out. I go, OK, we'll give him one trial and then we'll diddle the vote so that he can leave. I don't... I think he looked shocked when he was voted out. Or rather, he was... Well, Edmunds, you're dealing with one of the world's best actors. With Edmunds. Have you not seen Noel's House Party?

I didn't watch it as much as you did. The look of surprise when the doorbell rings. The shock when Blobby knocks something over. I mean, Knowles is a performer par excellence. I tell you one thing, though, that you can't take away from him is he looks great. Well, did you think so? There was a lot of play made about Edmonds's physicality. He looks absolutely great. I saw him on Lorraine one morning being interviewed what is he like 90? he's 69 I think

no he's older than that mate he's in his 70s is he? yeah get googling no I think he's 69 get googling because I looked it up even for 69 though

he looks great well he's talking about launching a fitness thing isn't he? that's one of the things he said on Lorraine god save us she said so no uh so what are you gonna do now i'm in the world's your oyster you could do anything you want and he said well no i'm very happy i'm very happy we're in a really good place i'm starting a science company a science company i'm not sure you know that much about science. That's like science.

How would that science be spelt? S-S-I-E-N-S-E. Science. And then Lorraine said, Anamasi, you look very nice. Strange accent she's got. And she said to the wife, you must enjoy his physicality looking like

that and she said yes i do i do very much and he's american the thing that put us off i'm a celebrity was an episode where we were channel surfing me and my lovely lady partner and we came across a challenge which involved life-size perspex exes right oh yeah yeah it was an x factor that people were put in we didn't know that what we saw we just were flinging through the channels and we saw these people with their arms and legs splayed in perspex x's with those plastic things that force your mouth open yeah it's a dental yeah we were like what is going on it looked like a marilyn manson video you know if you came across that on the internet, you'd quickly close the window. And also one of the contestants, I think it was Emily Atack, was in there and she seemed quite upset.

So it was generally unsettling for a little while. It's a bit horrible, that show. Yeah, yeah. I genuinely cannot watch what they do to insects and worms. I think the cruelty to little creatures. Yeah. But then other people say eating insects is the key to humanity's survival. Sure, but not live insects.

But then how do you kill them? You bore them to death? You make them watch I'm a Celebrity and they die of sadness. And then it's fine. No, exactly. They've got a lot of nutritional value. There's a lot of things about I'm a Celebrity that will seem jarringly strange in just 10 years.

But yet it doesn't change. It changes gradually. Year after year after year. It's level of success doesn't change. Out of all those formats, you can slightly hear the wheels squeaking on X Factor, right? And Britain's got talent. You think, this has maybe got... How? And Britain's Got Talent, you think,

this has maybe got... How many more years in those formats do you think? But not with I'm a Celebrity, because it's so short, isn't it? Yeah, I guess so. That's the key. Some years it's certainly better than others. I mean, I can't make my mind up if I prefer the old adversarial version, when they would populate the jungle with people they knew were going to irritate other people.

Right. And it would be guaranteed to kick off within two or three days. Now they don't really do that. They put people in who are... I mean, Noel was the wild card this year and he certainly was irritating to a couple of people.

But not massively. He's too professional. Yeah. Plus he knew he was only in for a week. Noel's, in fact, was the most, he was the one that was most likely to infuriate people. Really? Yeah. Nick Knowles, that is, not Knowles Evans.

Knowles-y. Who won it? Is it finished? No, it finishes, as we're recording, listeners, it hasn't finished. They invited me over to Australia to do the... No. Sister show. No.

The ITV2 show. Oh, my God. So why aren't you there? Because I was doing the podcast. To hell with the podcast. That's what you've wanted your entire life. It's the best option. You don't have to do the stupid thing.

Yet you go and stay in the five-star hotel. You'd see behind the scenes. I'd have to hang out with Joe Swash. He's a funny chap. He's a good guy. Hello. What is working on it? It's nice to see you! That's not a good impression of Joe Swash.

He wears very, very tight shorts. That's probably the problem. I did like him when he was in the jungle. I thought he was great. And I do like Scarlet. What were the terms and conditions? Were they going to fly you? They were going to pay for your ticket, right? Yeah, I think so. I wasn't going to be on the thing regularly. I wasn't going to be a presenter.

No, no, no. But that's even better. I was just going to turn up for one or something. That's even better. How far into it did you get? Did you just say no? No, I thought about it. Did they tell you whether they'd fly you economy, business or first?

We didn't get that far. You should have got that far. That would have been fun. It was too much of a time out, like. Don't you love to see behind the scenes of your favourite shows? Because we're big Britain's Got Talent fans. Right. We like Britain's Got Talent.

Yeah. Joe's smiling in a weird way. That's the correct way to smile when you say the sentence, we like Britain's Got Talent. I like it too. Like a sort of slightly peculiar vaudevillian. I used to like Michael Barrymore's My Kind of People. Yeah. I love an eccentric old man doing a tap dance in a shopping centre.

A load of creepy old eccentrics. You love that. I do. So David Walliams invited Annabelle and I to the final of Britain's Got Talent. BGT. Yeah, and that was very exciting to see how it was made. That was when Ant and Dec

was still together right in fact it was just before the big meltdown bust up yeah well they didn't bust up

did they because they're still pals it's a ruthlessly efficient show yeah ruthlessly efficiently staged it's live

but it comes from Elstree which is a studio sort of in Elstree in fact it actually is in Elstree is it and what you don't know is the do you ever watch it so they make it look like it comes from Elstree, which is a studio sort of in Elstree. In fact, it actually is in Elstree. Is it?

And what you don't know is, do you ever watch it? So they make it look like it comes from an old-time theatre. Right. It's not in an old-time theatre. It's much smaller than you think. And it's kind of fake. And every time they go to a break and the act ends, the back of the stage opens up, the studio doors,

where they bring all the giant things in, opens up. And it's just a park. So literally sunlight and all these fields and sort of kids playing football go, in the background. And then they wheel on the next act and close them up again. Wow, like a kind of James Bond villain super studio. It's so different from how you, the spatial sense you get from watching the telly is so different.

I don't think I can ever watch it again. At the end of it, David said, so would you come next year? I said, no. And he laughed. Wow. He's very good on it. When it goes to commercial breaks,

he signs books and gives them out to all the kids in the audience. He's like Santa. He is. They love him. People love him. He's very nice. He signed a book for my daughter she absolutely adores his stuff he's very generous he's very generous ellen's a generous whoa steady on whoa i've just handed joe a card in a blue envelope and there's a gift to go with it my My gifts, by the way, might be the worst so far ever.

They really are shocking. But my excuse is that I spend a lot of time reading messages from the podcast. Under what circumstances did you buy these gifts? How do you mean? Well, did you get them very quickly in a rush in a small area of a high street? I swear, I started looking for gifts for this several weeks ago. Are there shops in Norwich? There's a shop called Jarrod's.

It's like Jareth's. Yeah, I know. It always makes me think of Xavier's. What does Jarrod's sell? It's a bit like the... It's like Harrod's with a J. Exactly. It's Harrod's the... It's like Harrods with a J. Exactly.

It's Harrods and... What's the other place? Belgium. I don't know. Barkers? Is Barkers a place? Barkers of Kensington. It certainly used to be. I think my mum used to like to go to Barkers.

She thought that was the fanciest place. Let's go to Barkers. Anyway, it's that kind of place. It's an old family run. I'm going to Barker's to buy some bitchum. Just off to Barker's to buy some bitchum. All right, mummy. It was a different time.

So go on. So you put a lot of thought into it. No, I've just been looking and looking and looking and looking and thinking, like, would this be good to give to Joe on the podcast? And the answer has been no. Every single shopper... What are your criteria? What are you looking for?

I'm looking for something that maybe will spark some kind of chat fun that maybe might be as well a bit good. Yes. Might be as well a bit good, you know? It's a tough agenda to fulfil. It says Joe and Annabelle. And the card says Ellen DeGeneres. I thought I'd made that up.

And it's a cartoon of Ellen DeGeneres holding an armful of presents with the words Ellen DeGeneres. That is very, very funny. As in generosity. It made me laugh. It's proportionally off. Her arms are a bit low down, don't you think? Yes, you're right, yeah. Where are her shoulders? Yeah, that's right.

That would be my note. I think it's thrown off because she's wearing a scarf, so it makes sense. No, no, her neck isn't that long. All right. She's a small woman. OK, I'm sorry. Full of generosity. I wrote two messages rather than a communal one.

That is a good idea. These are all innovations for cards. If you're giving a card to two people, use the right-hand surface to address one person. Yeah. Why hasn't anyone thought of that? Well, you know. I've got an innovation.

When it's someone's birthday, say happy birthday to everybody because it's a birthday. Like, if it's Christmas, you say happy Christmas to everybody. So it's someone's birthday. You go, hey, happy birthday. Happy birthday. Oh, hey, happy birthday. They go, what? It's not my birthday. You go, hey, happy birthday. Happy birthday. Oh, hey, happy birthday. They go, what?

It's not my birthday. You go, heh heh. Well, I did that the other day and it made me happy. And then I said, no, because it's Christmas. Then you say happy Christmas to everybody

and people lost interest. Yeah, but it is actually Christmas, though, when you're saying happy Christmas. Yeah, and it's a celebration. Well, no, because it's Jesus' birthday, but yet you still say happy Christmas. Right, OK. Come on.

Throw me a bow. Your system relies on going... LAUGHTER At a crucial point. It does. That would work at Christmas as point. It does. That would work at Christmas as well. Merry Christmas. So it's got very nice wrapping paper with little jolly reindeer.

And elves. No, it's little penguins. They put a ladder up to climb onto the back of the reindeer who's got a scarf on. It's far-fetched. It is far-fetched, but it's a very friendly reindeer. He doesn't mind at all. Is it a reindeer? It looks like a moose to me. Whatever it is, it's far-fetched. It is far-fetched, but it's a very friendly reindeer. He doesn't mind at all. I don't, is it a reindeer? It looks like a moose to me. It's far, whatever it is, it's far-fetched. This is a book called The Joy of Saying No. At which point I can use my jingle.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, No! So it's one of those fun books that you might find by the cash register. An impulse buy. There's shops now that are dedicated to those kinds of things. It's like they've got loads of books about... Crap shops. They're kind of a little bit... They used to have chocolate willies and candles shaped like willies and pasta shaped like willies and all that sort of stuff. But now it's lots of little books about philosophy and feminism and games, little fun games. I actually use those shops quite a bit to buy gifts for podcast guests.

Do you? That's exactly what they're for. Yeah. Gifty shops. They're balanced on the edge of a dustbin. But I looked at this book and I actually thought, hey, hang on, that's quite good. Because I seem to remember you once saying to me the hardest

thing is to say no to stuff yes uh about you know people who like your stuff and it's very flattering and they ask you to get involved with some project they're doing and you feel just really rotten you know they've reached out to you they've endorsed what you do and you're saying no you say no no no no no no no embrace the joy no, no, no, no. Embrace the joy of saying no, it says on the back. In a world that favours yes, it can take courage to say no. But this simple word can set you free. With short tips and inspiring quotes,

this little book will help you to harness the positive power of no for a happier, calmer and more joyful life. OK, OK, OK. Shall I dip in? Yeah, because I mean, I didn't want to get you a book that was just an endorsement of total blanket negativity. No. Because I'm not into that.

No. I'm with John Lennon. No. You know, when he went to the top of the ladder at the Indica Gallery where Yoko Ono was displaying her work and she had painted a little tiny word on the ceiling and you had to go up a ladder with a magnifying glass to see which word it was. And she had painted yes.

And Lennon said if she had painted no, he would have walked out of the gallery and they would never have had a relationship. What a tit. Here's an amazing... Amazing... I've just opened this and bang, this quote by the great thinker and philosopher Brooke Shields has walloped me in the eyeballs.

It says, Don't waste a minute not being happy. If one window closes, run to the next window or break down a door. What's that got to do with saying no? Don't waste a minute not being happy. I think that's unhealthy advice. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. That's unsound philosophy. It's unrealistic expectations. Yeah, because you need the lows in order to create the highs. I would balance that with a quote from the other great philosopher and thinker, Ronan Keating. Mm-hmm. That life is a rollercoaster. Exactly.

You've got to have the downs to create the ups. Yeah, mate. When you say yes to others, make sure you're not saying no to yourself. So put your needs before the needs of others. Look after number one. Be selfish. That's not good either, is it? Joe, will you help me cross the road?

I'm very weak and I can't see. No. No. Thanks a lot, Brooke Shields. Woo-hoo-hoo! Bye! I'm off to have fun all the time! Oh, dear. Sound of her being hit by a car.

Joe, I'm very busy on Saturday and haven't got time to feed my dying dog. You get the gist of this. It's a dangerous book though because you really shouldn't buy it. You say no, not buying that book, no. That's right, isn't it? It's denying its own existence. It's denying its own usefulness. But except I was fooled into it. Yes.

Well, that's very kind of you. Sorry about that. No, no, no, it's fine. Regift it. It's fine. Do you need to raise anything up by, say, a centimetre and a half? Well, if I do, then that book will finally come in handy. I like to listen to Adam and Joe But I listen to the podcast, not the live show

I used to feel acute frustration because I couldn't join in with Text the Nation. But now my troubles have disappeared because Retro Text the Nation's here. And now my letter might

be read out instead of thrown in the trash and forgotten about. Now, babes alive, would you like to read out some messages from the podcast? Yes. So here's a mysterious email from somebody called Clint. And this is a deep dive into Adam and Joe podcast lore, right? He says, Adam and Joe podcast lore, right?

He says, Hey Adam, we all know jingles aren't exactly your forte, but I've always admired your desperate diligence to strive onwards into the inevitable abyss. And looking back, I really love your Retro Text the Nation jingle in its many variants and movements. It still sounds so fresh and relevant.

Would you mind taking us through the inspiration and development of this gem? I guess it just seems so out of character for you to write something this emotionally fulfilling. It's also quite the compositional leap for you, transcending your usual silly pastiche of insecurity, afraid of ever confronting yourself. I'm so proud that you finally overcame it. Thanks, boy. Clint.

Whoa. That's a complicated piece of provocateurism. I think he's doing bants, I think. Because, of course, I did not write the Retro Text the Nation. What is your definition of bants? Friendly teasing that's quite hard edged. Right. That's a good definition.

Because somebody said to me, he said, my abiding memory, Joe, of like working with you is just the bants. But you see, there can be other bants. I wasn't sure what he meant. I don't really know what it means. I associate it with the in-betweeners. Didn't they coin it? That would conform to my definition. I don't know if they coined it.

I feel like they did. Maybe, maybe. I'd associate it with the world of football and the kind of aggressive Bants in your pants in jokiness that verges on hate slash racism So Clint is talking about a jingle that I wrote Jay Corn's wrote that became one of the greatest

jingles ever written It was a running joke Was that a joke? Because most really enduring jokes there's an element of truth It was good, I'm not saying it wasn't. It was very good. But the joke, the obviously not true joke,

became that it was better than anything that I'd done. Just melodically really strong. It was obviously a joke because I had done some of the best songs and jingles and still do. But then people were like, ha-ha, just one jingle that he did was better than anything you did. And people remember it more than they remember anything that they've ever done.

Wouldn't that be funny if the one thing that Cornballs actually pulled his finger out and did was funnier than anything you ever did? And of course that's not true, and that's the joke. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Whereas everything I said is true. He's trying to keep the joke alive. Right and he's trying everything i said is true he's trying to keep the joke alive right he's trying to keep the joke alive but you see i would say what's his

name very sarcastic clint clint it's very bantastic it's bantastic but listen clint it would because the truth is you you're a jingle machine yeah and you know i often find, the jingles are some of the most enjoyable parts of your podcasts. Do you notice I said some of them? Because I'm clever these days. Yeah. The podcasts as a whole are absolutely wonderful, but I really look forward to the jingles. Sometimes if you're not getting on with a guest,

you think, ah, great. You think the jingles. I like the bits with you and the doggy. Yeah, okay. At the beginning and the end and the jongles. Some like the bits with you and the doggy. Yeah, okay. At the beginning and the end and the jungles. Some people say you should do a whole podcast where it's just you talking to Rosie. It is good. And I think, yeah, you might think that that's a good idea,

but the reality of that would probably be less appetising. Only one way to find out. Clint, that's a provocative email. Also, Clint, you spelt insecurity wrong. You spelt it insect-urity. But although maybe that's deliberate it insect-turity. But although maybe that's deliberate. Insect-turity. Like a cross between being

insecure and an insect. That's what I feel when I watch I'm a Celebrity get me out of here. Insect-ture. Thanks, though, Clint. Thanks, Clint. That was brilliant, Bantz. Good, Bantz. Unless it was... Unless you hate me. In which case... Hate me. Alright. I'm going to take things into the toilet for the first

and not the last time yeah in this podcast so this is from johnny and i'm going to do a possibly offensive posh voice for you johnny you may not be like this at all hello buckles last month i decided to hike up mount kilimanjaro. I hired all my equipment from a local travel company in Tanzania and was persuaded to pay an extra $70 for my own private loo. It soon dawned on me that some poor porter would then have to schlep it up the 6,000 metre mountain along with everything else. I didn't let that bother me for too long though. It was a great

loo, and you should have seen the state of the communal ones. My loo comprised two parts, a comfy seat and a tank beneath. After doing your business, you simply pulled a handle beneath the seat, which would open up the tank. At the end of the first day, I'd had my money's worth already. the tank. At the end of the first day, I'd had my money's worth already. The next day, we ascended, and whether it was because of the altitude or the food, I just didn't need the loo. I couldn't look the exhausted porter in the eye. The following day, we ascended yet again. We were now pretty high, around 3,000 meters or so, and that night, nature called. I rushed to my toilet tent and did my business. Two transactions. It was pitch black. I don't know if he's talking about the transactions or just the hour.

I stood up, turned back round and bent... No, he's talking about the night, right. It's all dark there. It was pitch black. I stood up, turned back around and bent down to pull the handle. Confusingly, I heard a loud pop as it opened and felt something on my face. The tank hadn't been equalised since being sealed at the lower altitude and the pressure had forced the air and everything else straight back up. Do you think the porter had done it deliberately?

I couldn't take any chances and tipped him handsomely. Keep up the great work. Merry Christmas, Johnny. So that's, wow, you're living an exciting life there, Johnny. Having his own faeces projected into his face. By a malpressurised port-a-potty. Wow, that's quite a story, isn't it? I mean... How would you feel, though, about... If that was an option, if you were mountain climbing,

would you be OK with paying a guy to carry your port-a-potty? I don't know. Kilimanjaro's a snowy mountain. I guess it is up at the top. And I would imagine... Maybe not, though, with the global warming. Well, maybe not. I'd imagine the pops freeze into icicle pops.

Okay, yeah. And then the squirrels eat them. Then you can just... Right, right, right. I don't know. I don't know. It doesn't sound very... Pop pops.

They can call them. Yeah, poopy pops. Poopy pops. Oh, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. That's the sound of a Kilimanjaro squirrel. I don't... It's just a confusing story. I can't relate to it.

No. I'm looking for a way in. It's outside our purview. I would never climb a mountain. Yeah. I don't know whether I'd take a loop. I don't understand. He didn't set up the business of pressurising it in the first paragraph.

No, but he made that clear very well. I thought it was very well written. Well written. It was well written. If he'd set up the pressurising at the beginning, he wouldn't have needed so many words to trigger the punchline at the end. Johnny, I'm sorry about this. I didn't realise it was going to be a crit.

The tank hadn't been equalised since being sealed at the lower altitude and the pressure had forced the air and everything else straight back up. No, you're right. It's very well written and it's very funny. All the info was there. I thought it was unusually succinct. It's very good. It's dirty, though. It is dirty, but as I said, I thought I should introduce that area of conversation because there will be more. OK.

I'm sorry about that. And I've been reading about the philosopher Montaigne. Do you know Montaigne? I've heard of him. Marcel Montaigne. Right. 16th century. And he would write quite a lot about, you know, toilet functions.

Right. Things that would normally be considered below the consideration of a philosopher. But he thought that it was all very important. You know, that was life and it had to be considered as well as the loftier stuff. All right? So if you don't like it, deal with Montaigne. So you're just citing him broadly as someone like...

Who would like this podcast. Who would like the podcast and, like, ratifies any mention of pooey-type conversations. Montaigne would have loved that story about the port-a-loop. He would have been rocking back and forth. He loves stories about climbing montains as well. Montains, exactly. So I should say at this point, thank you so much for all the messages that you sent in, podcasts. I really appreciate

you more than ever before we got this time. Wow. It took a long time to read them all. They were all great. I do apologise to those of you who have not had your messages read out. They were too good. But thank you very much.

Have a good time all the time. That's my philosophy. What about a prezzy from me to you? Yes, please. So I've got a challenge for this present. Oh, man. Do you think you're skilled at guessing what presents are?

No. Say yes. Try saying yes. Yes. I will pay you. Like, I'm going to make this a real Try saying yes. Yes. I will pay you. Like, I'm going to make this a real sum of money. Whoa. I will pay you £250.

What? If you can guess what this is. This isn't like you. You're not a gambling guy. I will pay you. I will write your check for £250 if you can guess by feeling what this present is. Oh, wow. Money on the table, listeners.

By the way, I'm not serious. You can't. This is why he's not a gambling guy, because he doesn't take... I was for a little bit, and then I thought about it, and I lunged back to the microphone and said that addendum was corrective.

Okay, so Cornballs is passing me a long, thin present. What is it? It's about the length of a long, thin present. What is it? It's about the length of a long pen. That's a good unit of

measurement. You should lecture in measuring. He had a scar. It was the length of a long pen. Okay. So I'm feeling it now. Hmm. I would say that we are dealing with...

I thought maybe initially it was some sort of AV cable coiled up. No, I'm eating a pear. I'm sorry, but that would be a good gift. Can I open it now? Yeah. All right. You haven't tried very hard. Oh, Moses.

How weird. It just came apart in two sections and there's a little hand poking out of one of them there's a little fleshy colored hand and it's um made of plastic but it's very realistic looking and it's odd because it's it's like one of those ron murk sculptures ron murk who does those strangely proportioned but very lifelike sculptures of human beings. Wow, this is great. How many have you got there? One, two, three. There's five hands. And why would there be five? Oh, okay. Yeah, there you go. You put them on your fingers. They're finger hands. Finger hands. And they're super creepy.

They're quite good, aren't they? So you can turn your hand into like a Syriac hand. You know Syriac? Yeah, who like duplicates and multiplies and fractals stuff. Oh, yeah, that's good. That's quite good, isn't it? That is great. I think I got them from the sachi gallery shop in chelsea either that or the tape uh modern i always think that i'm going to load up with

presents when i go into a gallery shop and usually i don't i come out having perused everything they were exceptionally good i don't usually buy stuff but i couldn't resist those i bought two and then i walked for about four minutes and i thought i'm i better have five that's a great present what were they advertised as finger hands yeah yeah i think so they were in a box on the by the tilt yeah i think they look good i think you go up behind your wife pop that on her shoulder then she'll freak out daughter's going to freak out when she sees these. They're great. Someone tweeted the other day a very small sculpture of David Bowie's head.

Have you seen those? No. A small lifelike sculpture, but like really tiny. And they look great. It was just a disembodied head that looked as if it was... What would you do with it? Hang it round your neck as a pendant? Suck it. Suck it. Like a disembodied head that looked as if it was... What would you do with it? Hang it round your neck as a pendant? Suck it. Suck it, like a boiled sweet.

Yeah. A boiled sweet. No, I would put it in a case, I think. A little case. And do what with it? Not a suitcase, like a little... Little case. Where would you put the little case? I like the idea that putting it in a case is somehow like final and definitive about what you do with it. Well, I don't think it has a practical value.

No. What would you do with it? I'd hang it around my neck. As a little bauble. Or I'd have it as a key ring. Yeah. Or that seems disrespectful. Does it?

Yeah. Yeah. A key ring? Yep. Do you think? Yeah, because he's going to be bouncing around beside your nutties all day, isn't he? He would love that. Maybe he would. He would love that. Yeah, he would actually. Come on.

I had a wonderful time. He loves a codpiece. Bouncing around next to your nuts. Thanks, man. I love these finger hands. Art hands. Brilliant present. Very useful. Practical as well. Yeah, yeah. love it last december i went outside and who does see but santa sitting on a ride with things for me he had presents in his

arms and his sleigh was looted with amazing gifts i thought yes santa give me the presents right now, please Little flipping elves dancing round and round Don't give me the stuff I don't want I want the stuff Don't Santa give that lovely stuff to me Santa said, you missed the point of the holiday It's not about stuff, it's about thoughts And giving and love and all that I said, well go back home to Iceland then with your stupid hat.

So, let's talk movies. Okay, movies. The Kid Who Would Be King, Joe Cornish. Yes. Tell me about The Kid Who Would Be King. How did you get the idea for this? Well, I got the idea out of, I wrote off for it. Yeah.

I'm warming you up because you're going to be in junket zone as we speak about three months. Is that right? Well, the first junket is on December the 13th. Oh, really? So it's actually next week. Whoa. Yeah.

It's a sort of a press day. Yeah. Yeah, I like them, though. They're fun. Do you? I do, yeah. I like talking to journalists. Right.

Because we sort of used to be them. Do you know i mean yeah we both interviewed people yeah so i feel like i want to you know make them happy what about journalists who couldn't give a crap about you or your film well that's okay as well i was interviewed by one journalist the other day he was quite tired yeah and he wouldn't look me in the eye but there was a definitely a slight atmosphere of you know i'm i have to do this right probably is in all interviews with me but it was very much it was almost as if the tape recorder was more interested in in it than he was like he was looking at the tape recorder we do you know what i mean it was if there was someone on the other end of the tape recorder who might be interested.

But it definitely wasn't him. He'd seen the film, had he? No, no-one's seen it. Well, the cast have seen it. And then test audiences have seen it. Whoa. Yeah, we screened it for the cast last night. For the first time, a little private screening.

How was that? It was really quite emotional. Right. And very enjoyable enjoyable so tell us what the film is called again for it's called the kid who would be king yeah i like to say it fast the kid would be king the kid would be kid the kid would be kid and when it would begin when you are in the future of your career when you're referring to it will you call it kid well people do you know if you have any project that requires people to

say its title a lot it just naturally declines right please don't well it's i don't but it's happened already i call it k w w b k in emails why don't you just call it say kid king the kid who would be king i do that's what i've called it that's what it's called yeah don't you just call it the kid who would be king? I do. That's what I've called it. That's what it's called. Don't refer to it as anything other than that. Otherwise, I'll totally lose respect for you. It's like the man who would be king. Yeah, I know. But there are some people who haven't seen that film.

It's not that well-known anymore. It's a fantastic movie, right? I love that film, yeah. And Michael Caine. Isn't it John Huston? Yes, you're right. And it's god it's good

such a fantastic adventure movie my movie is nothing like it I mean my movie hopefully is a fantastic adventure movie

but it is not the same story my film's about a boy that discovers the sword in the stone yeah there you go it's a kind of it's a modern day film

modern day kid based Arthurian it's a fun fantasy adventure for all the family. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Testing particularly well with eight to about 14, 15-year-olds. Okay.

They love it, they love it. Perfect. Perfect for my daughter and my son. And then the grown-ups like it as well. Good one. Is Buckles still in it? Buckles is very much still in it. There's a very good Buckles cameo.

Thank goodness. Very critical moment. You really possess the screen. Thanks, man. Thanks for giving me that part because I couldn't really have been cut, could I? Because it is quite a key moment. Yeah, it's a key moment.

Why, were you worried you might be cut? Yeah. Nah, you can't cut Buckles. Some people have been cut. People have been cut. The first cut was two and a half hours. Whoa. Will that turn up on Blu-ray?

Some of it will. Yeah. But no, you're very good. Thanks. And you're funny in the EPK as well. What am I doing in the EPK? You're talking about your badge. Oh, yes.

They were filming on the day. Right, I forgot about that. Yeah. Yeah, good one. Like the behind the scenes is what I mean by EPK. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Man, it's so exciting. I can't wait exciting i can't wait yeah i just want to meet patrick stewart okay i'm sure we can figure that out all right he's very busy i tell you have you ever heard him on mark maron's

podcast no that's a really good episode to listen to that yeah that's a good one he's an interesting guy amazing childhood that's right lots of interesting, fascinating stories about his dad and the way he was brought up. Yeah. And of course he was in John Borman's Excalibur. He played Sir Leondagra, who's the first knight to attempt to pull the sword from the stone. Sir Lemongrass. But he failed. Yes, the Lemongrass.

The healthiest of all the knights. The healthiest and most delicious. So that's kind of cool that, you know, he's in another Excalibur. And did you talk about Star Trek a lot? You know what? I did not mention it. What? Not even once.

You didn't even ask him to say, engage? No, and that's why I'm worried about introducing you to him. Because you can't be trusted. Not to say something like that. Who's that, Beverly Crusher? Yeah. He's going back to Trek, right? No.

Yeah. What is the matter with your Star Trek newsness? He's just announced he's doing it again. He's going to play Inspector Morse again. What is the captain of the Starship Enterprise called? JLP. Jean-Luc. Minder.

Who's the Antiques guy? What's the name of the Antiques guy? On telly, what's he called? The Orange Boy. No, the series about the Antiques detective man. What are you talking about? I don't know. I'm just trying to pull random.

Spender. Spender? Steven Spender. No, I'm just trying to pull random old telly people out of the box. I mean old as in their programs are old. Sure, sure. What was he called? Grifter.

What was he called for fuck's sake? Lovejoy. Lovejoy. That's it. Yeah. You know he's playing Lovejoy again. Grifter. He's back in the saddle as Lovejoy. Lovejoy, that's it. You know he's playing Lovejoy again. He's back in the saddle as Lovejoy. Lovejoy's back.

Commander of the Enterprise. The commander of the USS Nicknack. The commander of the USS Valuable Nicknack. That would be a good sci-fi series with Minder. It appears to be some kind of beautiful brass bedpan from another dimension. So, here's a message from Catherine in Oxford. Dearest Dr. Buckles and Sir Cornballs.

Ah, at last. The best thing about 2018 for me was by far and away the Queen film, Bohemian Rhapsody. Oh. It was panned by critics from the get-go. As a tangent, Catherine, there was a review

of the trailer that I read in The Guardian like in the summer when a teaser trailer came out and some guy in The Guardian

reviewed it and panned it and it was this long takedown of the trailer how terrible the trailer was and how the film was going to be rubbish and you could tell from the i just thought that is not cool how is that in any way acceptable to trash it because of the trailer anyway that's by the by did you see it i haven't seen it yet i have not seen it either my chaps want to see it

especially my son natty who's in a big Queen place at the moment. Yes, apparently that's one of the reasons it's making so much money. Because children love it. But because kids are discovering Queen. Yeah. Like, we discovered Queen when we were 14, 15, right? That album was sort of a must-have, greatest hits.

Greatest hits, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and it's weird. It's doing the same thing to this generation. It communicates with young teenagers in a very, very direct and important way. It's just a scientific thing. It's sung at a particular pitch that their developing ears respond to.

First of all, one would have to say that it is very good. Yes, it's true. Those songs are really solid. And they've got everything. They've got excitement. They've got everything. They've got excitement. They've got drama. They've got this sort of musical chops there. They're very emotional.

Like, you really get excited, and your heart soars during some of those songs. I used to love, Find me somebody to love. Find me. So I get it that children love that stuff. What do you think about reconstructing 15 minutes of Live Aid? Oh, I don't know.

I think because people say that's the most amazing bit of film. Well, let me finish Catherine in Oxford's message. People scoffed, said it was too tame, too silly or too reticent on Freddie Mercury's sexuality. But I thought it was an absolute belter, a glorious romp through their music, with almost all the Live Aid gig lovingly recreated at the end. Stonkingly good. I went to see it six times. Wow. I wept through the end with joy tears, and ever since it came out, I've

discovered their complete back catalogue. Long live the Queen. Lots of love from a loyal Black Squadron member, Catherine. So yeah, I'm up for Queen the movie, The Bohemian Rhapsody. You know the Queen? The Queen? Yeah, the actual Queen. Yeah. Well, she went to see Bohemian Rhapsody. No. Yes. Oh, Laura,

Laura, Freddie, Lolly, Mercury, innit? It's not got a lot of gay bits though, that's how sad I thought a little bit. But Lully, so good impression from Mr. Robot, isn't it? Lully, Lully, Bolivian rap study. And I can sing

it. Shall I sing it? Yes, Your Majesty. Shall Laura sing it? Yes, Your Majesty. Please sing it. Bahamian rhapsody. Rhapsody Your Majesty I like to wear a nasty little for a man carrot mousse carrot

mousse Willie drinks a whole tango on the pants a tight mean teeth could use some white mean please lully couple lully couple salmon mayo macamode no no no no if you were a poor boy what kind were you boy basmati rice is nice but it could I've forgotten If you were a poor boy What kind were you, boy?

Basmati Ah, it says nice But it cooks I've forgotten what happens to your face when you do this But it cooks a little slow Bill Milner Made his debut in Son of Rambo Bismarcky He's a rapping man

Baz Luhrmann Makes long films that never end. Mamma mia, mamma mia, too. Here we go again. I smell some fruit. There's a lot of plums for me. And Steve Lullybeef. That was very powerful, Your Majesty.

It's nice, isn't it? I think you've got some of the lyrics wrong. No, they're right. They're lovely, they're so nice, and the lyrics are just exactly that, I think. I put them down from like, wrote them from the ear. Did the Queen really go and see Bohemian Rhapsody? She didn't, did she she that was all an excuse i like the way that just it just started in the middle of one of my sentences but then when the royal family's involved you can't if they start talking like if they're bored they'll just

launch into another and that is what the Queen did. That was extraordinary. What about a present for you now? Yes, please. Um, okay. Oh, this is a big box. It's a big box. Wow, this is the size of... This is like a large pen. It's the kind of size that I would have got very excited about. A big square pen.

As a child. You know, that looks like a proper... A sort of shoebox-sized pen. Yeah, yeah, shoebox-sized pen. I think I've forgotten to take the price tag off. I'm sorry. Oh, this guy. My pet talking playset.

So there is this very creepy-looking cat who's inside this box with a plastic transparent window on the front. The cat looks sort of worried. It has its hands folded over its front. Mouth recording function. Tip it over, read what it says there on the back. On the back. My pet talking play set.

When talking to Tom, it will use funny voice to repeat what you said. Touch its face, it will sound pop. Touch the belly of Tom, it will has a strange sound. It will has a strange sound. Also, the punctuation is all off. Pull or touch its tail, it will sound a funny no. Pat Tom's feet. It will say woo-woo or ay-yo.

It's a plastic cat. Like, it's not articulated in any way. It's just like a sort of plastic statue. The best gift for the children. It looks dangerous. It looks like the sort of thing you'd buy at the beginning of a horror film. Yeah. Do you know what I mean?

Definitely. you'd buy at the beginning of a horror film. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Definitely. Oh! Welcome. Are you here, little goblin? Why is it saying that?

Why is the cat not... This is terrifying. This is terrifying. What is happening? I think they might have put the wrong chip in it. Stop touching it, for God's sake. You're going to hear a family being murdered soon, aren't you? Stop touching its tummy.

You're touching its tummy. Make it. That's better. Is that better? At least it's a cat rather than Satan. It's what you just said. rather than satan yes why is it saying that here look at the controls look at the things it says on the box.

Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it. Record. Shall I get a hammer? Yes, I'm scared. How do we make it record? Smash it. Stop it, stop it. Here, give me the boss it's eyes

oh god the eyes have fallen in give me the box does it not have instructions i'm just gonna switch it off that's insane holy christ well you certainly topped silly sausage. That was so unexpected. Wow, thanks, man. That's really disturbing. Where did you get that? From that shop on Berwick Street.

Berwick Street? That's more like an elephant and castle present. Do you know that costume, that fancy dress shop? Uh-huh. On Berwick Street. Barrick Street? That's more like an elephant and castle present. Do you know that costume, that fancy dress shop? Uh-huh. On Barrick Street. They were at the back on a very high shelf. I bet they were. It was $7.99. It was probably stuffed with ketamine or something. Probably.

That is a creepy object. Are its eyes just holes or did you push them in? No, I pushed them in. Oh, well done. So its eyes are now holes. Its did you push them in? No, I pushed them in. Oh, well done. So its eyes are now holes. Its eyes are now inside its carcass. Thank you. we're all in it together hello good evening and welcome. Frost on the window. OK, here's some eggcorns that you sent in, Podcats. Thank you very much indeed.

Once again, apologies to people who sent in stuff that they really wanted us to read out and we haven't done so. Nothing personal. We still care for you very much. This is from Dave Holmes. Dave says, In her first year at secondary school, my daughter Amber wrote a story in which she described seeing something with her profiterole vision. That's a good one. I'd like to have profiterole vision. I do.

What is a profiterole? It is like a small pastry ball with cream. And chocolate. Yeah. Dipped in chocolate. It's like a ball version of an eclair, isn't it? So it looks a bit like an eyeball. Yes.

Like a doughy eyeball dipped in chocolate. Partially dipped. So I can see, I think that's highly tenable. Right, right. Someone could have profiteroles for eyeballs. A little bit of chocolate rolling around. Pastry man. It would be obscured by

brown smudges, profiterole vision. I've got something in my profiterole vision. That's very good, Dave. Thank you, and thanks, Amber. Okay, here's one from Guy Maiman. Do you think he's a highwayman? Guy Maiman the highwayman. He's basically a tricker,

but he's not a highwayman. Hi, Dr. Buckers and Cornballs. My daughter, Emmy, who has always been keen on history, recently told me that until she started secondary school, she had always believed the symbol appropriated by the Nazis, very Christmassy, was called a swastika. She secretly wondered how imagery with such dark connotations had such a cute name. Love you, bye.

Guy Maiman, The Highwayman. Swastical. Swastical. It would be a way of softening up the Nazis, making their image more friendly. That would be the name of the lollies that the people in the far right really enjoy. Yes.

Mm, Nazi icicles. Yeah. It's tough, isn't it? Because in a way, they are quite Christmassy. There's nothing like an Indiana Jones movie at Christmas and red and white colours of Santa did that ever strike you as odd though with Indiana Jones that they were

incorporating these incredibly dark real elements of Christmas no because if you go down that path then all war films really are slightly questionable. I did, when I made that toy parody of Saving Private

Ryan, I did have a weird moment when I was going oh my god, this is hideously inappropriate. But then I got over it. Here's one from Neil. He's from Winchester. Winchester. I went to visit my auntie and uncle, who have retired to southern Spain.

They wanted to show me around and drove me to a place called Mijas Pueblo. We went on holiday there. To Mijas. We had a great holiday in Mijas. Only you went ill. Did I go ill? You went ill, yeah. Is that when we were doing, filming our Billy and Icky things?

Possibly, but you got ill and you locked yourself in your room grumpily for most of the holiday. Oh, no. So I just hung out with your brother and your sister and they were wicked. I'm so sorry. Sorry. It's a long time ago. Oh, that's terrible. I think you were ill.

I definitely was. Yeah. I wasn't in a mood. I was in a mood that I was ill. Probably, yeah. Oh, man. That's the worst, though. It was a good time.

We had some fun. Some fun. So they drove me to a place called Mijas Pueblo, a viewpoint at the top of a hill that looked out over the arid Andalusian countryside in the Mediterranean. We walked to the viewpoint, and my auntie excitedly beckoned me over, calling, Come and have a look at the Panasonic view! That's good. Obviously, she meant panoramic.

But that, it maybe was sponsored by Panasonic. Well, it could be, couldn't it? And one day, in a sort of idiocratic world, like as in idiocracy, maybe think, like Kodak used to like to sponsor particularly good spots for taking a photo. Was that in Disneyland or somewhere? Yeah. This is a Kodak moment. Yeah. particularly good spots for taking a photo right was that in disneyland or somewhere yeah this is

a kodak moment yeah so they'd sponsor a little area a little promenade area that had an amazing view yes and when you go through certain things that everybody goes through if it's a breakup or then companies in the future will sponsor those moments and it'll just like there'll be a chip in your body already to help with your medical functions i think it would say something like i'm so sorry you've broken up this is tinder tragic oh tinder or if you're in an amazing overlook looking at an amazing view you might go this is a codacular view. It's absolutely codacular. Well, it's Panasonic.

This is an absolutely Panasonic view. Yes. Wow, that is going to happen, though. Sponsored thoughts. Do you think? Yep. I can't wait. Neither can I.

I can't wait. It just cuts out the middleman between me and the products I love. Also, imagine all the great articles about it. The think pieces. How many stars will The Guardian give it? Three, probably. Yeah? Here's one from Paul Bradley.

He says, My nephew Fergus calls the fast food chain McDonald's Old McDonald's. We assume the branches he goes to are only supplied

by the guy in the nursery run. Yeah. Old McDonald's. That's very good. Old McDonald's Old McDonald's had a farm.

E-I-E-I-O. And on that farm he slaughtered millions of cows. E-I-E-I-O. And he put their hooves and their tails and their eyeballs and their ears. Hey, hey, hey. And their hair. That's not true. Isn't it?

100% pure beef. Which means 100% of the cow. Exactly. Does it? I think it does. I think it's not true. Isn't it? 100% pure beef. Yeah, but... Which means 100% of the cow. Exactly. Does it? I think it does. I think it's semantics. I... It's pure beef because it came from... It definitely came from a cow and a hoof. When was the last time you had a McRonkels?

When was the last time I had a McStinkles? Maybe early 90s? Really? Yeah. No way. Yeah, yeah. So you think you haven't had a mcronkles for at least 20 for over 20 years i the children have not even a breccles a tasty sausage sausage and egg mcmuffles no mate they they have the children occasionally have them i'm sorry to say and i'm always a little bit angry when they come back and they've got them and I have to stop myself. Have you seen their touchscreens? No.

So me and my lovely lady partner went to the dump very early in the morning because that's when you can get to the dump. Is that where they call McDonald's now? Yes. Well, they put them near dumps. Right. And there was a McDonald's on the way, so we had a Breckles. Oh, yeah. Because we like a sausage and egg McMuffin.

I did used to like that, yeah. They had touchscreens. So you don't have to order. There's just giant iPads. Right, like that, yeah. They had touchscreens. So you don't have to order. There's just giant iPads. Right, like in the advert. Yes, and there was a woman standing beside it with a detergent spray bottle and a cloth. Sure.

Just wiping it down the whole time. Each time someone touches it? Kind of, yeah. I thought, that's peculiar. And then I read in the paper the other day someone who'd done a survey and they'd found faecal matter on every single McDonald's screen

that they'd tested. Even with the woman wiping it down all the time. But listen... There's fecal matter everywhere. Everywhere. Do you think? Sure there is. There's certainly a lot in this room.

After your conversation. There's a lot in this podcast. But Christmas is a time for fecal matter. Now, I've tried the chips occasionally and the fries, which used to be one of the great, great things about it back in the day. Really good fries. Delicious fries. I think Malcolm Gladwell did a podcast episode of Revisionist History about this very thing.

And they used to be delicious and they changed the recipe and now they are absolutely inedible. Really? Yeah. You are not going to be sponsored by McDonald's. No. It's not going to happen now.

Ronnie McStinkles is going to withdraw his special 100% beef from Rockle McStinkles. Oh God. Excuse me, excuse me, that was a win here we go here's a present for you this is i think my last present for you thank you very much so it's the size of a sort of square pen a square flat pen a square flat square pen about yeah but pretty much exactly the size of a pen and i'm opening it and oh it's a CD

it's got something with it it's got something with it oh dear that's actually really nice. Christmas Day. It's got a little number plate saying Joe, about the size of a pen. And it's got a Star Wars wallet. I don't know why I'm laughing.

It's got a Star Wars wallet. You like Star'm laughing because of Star Wars you like Star Wars I like Star Wars you met Star Wars I did I've been to Star Wars yeah you sat inside Star Wars I was on Star Wars and there's also a CD

the CD is the main thing the CD is very special it appears to be the original cast recording from the smash hit broadway and london musical buckleton it's vaguely reminiscent of um what's it called hamilton hamilton it's a sort of gold background i wouldn't say it was i mean that's that would be a legal problem that would be so it's perfectly similar yeah it's perfectly... It's similar. Yeah. It's perfectly balanced between being evocative of it, but absolutely its own thing. Mm-hm.

So it's a gold background with the black star, but instead of where you might find the political man Hamilton, it's got a silhouette of Buckleton. With a top hat. With a top hat. With a top hat and his right hand is extended. He appears to have a phone in it and it's got like a Wi-Fi symbol

coming out of it. He's punching the air because he's found a spot. He's found a signal. He's got a good signal. He's the top point of a star. And then behind is the silhouette of Rosie the doggy.

R-T-D. And it says Buckleton and Norfolk musical. Yeah. Do you want to hear one of the songs? Yeah. Let's get the CD out. All right.

Let's put it in. So the deal with this is that we went to see, you mentioned Hamilton, the musical. I actually went to see that with my daughter, Hope. Actually did. Yep. Yep. In real life. You didn't just imagine going to see it.

You actually saw it. No, I actually, I had to go to the theatre and everything. No. Wow. I had to sit there and watch it. Listen, I saw both halves. Actually, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All the way through. You know about Hamilton, right? I do. I haven't seen it. Well, it's a hip-hop musical, I suppose, isn't it? What? So instead of the usual kinds of... But Adam, musicals and hip-hop are completely contrary art forms.

Yeah, you would think, wouldn't you? But what they've done here is they've fused them. What? The style and feel of the kind of music you would get at a musical, but delivered with the style of a bit of rapping. And hip-hop about history, American political history. Seems weird, doesn't it? That's absurd.

Someone who knows about hip-hop was telling me that the flow that is employed most often would be an Eminem-style flow. Someone who knows about hip-hop told you that the flow that would be employed... Louis told me. Louis told you that someone... Louis likes his hip-hop.

Right. And he was saying oh yeah the flow is very eminem apparently that they use in hamilton yeah right i wouldn't take hip-hop advice from louis no i'd take you with a pinch of salt anyway so yeah alexander hamilton the historical figure is the star of Hamilton the musical. But Buckleton the musical. Yes. It's a different thing. Totally different.

It's about a proud, brave, talented, handsome man. He has a beard. He's called Dr. A. Buckleton. And he lives in a house in Norfolk in the countryside with his wife. His two teenage sons and his 10-year-old daughter and his dog friend, a whippet poodle cross called Rosie. And the songs on the soundtrack are about his everyday struggles and all the trials and tribulations of his abundantly privileged life. One of the songs actually is similar, I would say, to a song that's in Hamilton.

And there's a song in Hamilton called The Room Where It Happens. It's one of the best songs, actually, written, as I think all of them are, by Lin-Manuel Miranda. Kind of a genius man. The Chimney Sweep. Why is he the chimney sweep? because he plays the chimney sweep in Mary Poppins does he?

yeah and by the time this podcast goes out the world will be Poppins crazy and Lin-Manuel will be twirling his chimney brush and clicking his heels in Poppins all over the country he's had a long distinguished career pre-Hamilton

as an actor, playwright, singer. He did the songs in Moana, I think. Did he? And yeah, he's good. He played a bellman in The Sopranos. In Blame It On The Bellboy. Dunstan Checks In. We went to see that, didn't we?

Didn't we? That's a good Christmas movie. We saw that in the cinema. Imagine. Dunstan checks in. Monkey. So in the room where it happens, they're talking about the compromise of 1790. Sure.

That was something I don't already know. Yeah. I mean, that is one of my favourite... Compromises. It's regarded as one of the most important bargains in american history i personally i rank it just below the missouri compromise and the compromise of 1850 and the film compromising positions i rank it above that right yeah so this is similar in style and this one one is called The Room Where It Happened. Can't wait.

Ah, Miss Rosie. Mr Buckleton. What? I was wondering about the new smell our bedroom's got. Oh, yeah? I don't know what you mean. Oh, I think you do. It's the opposite of clean. It's emanating from the kind of a stinky big log that emerges from the back of an incredibly naughty dog. Whatever.

Plop inside less. Wasn't me. Crap outside more. Do whatever it takes to avoid leaving tods on the bedroom floor. It seems to me, Mr. Buckleton, you're plopping to conclusions. I hate to disabuse you of your poo-based illusions. In case you didn't know, there's other creatures in this house. I've heard that the turd could have come from a mouse.

A mouse could not do that giant poo, that was you. Don't take me for a fool, it isn't cool. I know the style of your stool. I've watched you do enough outside round the place. Staring up at me with that look on your face. Half concentration, half pure pleasure As out pops a nugget of dirty doggy treasure Even for you this is getting quite sad

You sound mad and it doesn't change the fact that No one else was in the room where it happened They never knew who done the poo when it happened But it was obviously you who done the crap when it crappened The dump when it dumpened and the plop when it poppend I'm the one who's got to scrub that floor I think Louis is right. Yeah. I think that is very similar to Eminem.

I mean, that could be an Eminem track. I do know. I know what he means. It's definitely very good. Yeah, there's quite a few more Buckleton tracks. I won't play them all now. How many more are there? Hundreds? No. I think there's another couple.

What is the whole musical about the dog and the tots? No, no. There's another one. No, no, no. Do you want to hear another one? Sure. I mean, it's Christmas. How can I say no? I won't play you the whole thing. I'll play you a little bit.

In this one, Buckleton is upset because it's a lovely day but the children are in their rooms and they won't come out really they're all on their devices

really does that is that a real thing that happens that's happened to me yeah that's happened to you this is the bit

after Buckleton comes into his daughter's room and says come on look this is you know it's a nice day you've been in there too long. You've got to get outside.

I'll go outside a little later. You said that before. Right now, I'm just watching this. Right. And what is it that's so very important? It's a funny guy commentating on a video game. Are you even playing the game? No, he plays the game. You just watch him commentating on the game. Jesus Christ, the world's ending, right?

I'm opening the curtains. Look, you've got to get outside in the sun and have some fun just like we used to in the olden days before the shutters came down and the screens went up before everything real in the world got stuffed. But you were the one who wore the screens.

Oh yeah, be ungrateful please by all means listen to yourself dad you're such a hypocrite you're always in your nutty room sorry i'm gonna have to say no to that i will not be treated like a ludicrous brat i want everyone out in the sun right now building huts with twigs making friends with the cow so there's a little bit of that one that's good man that sounds um deeper than the other one the one about the poo listen there's all kinds of intellectual tones a variety is that also is that hope singing on that yes that's very It's very touching. And do you think it'll change her approach to her screen use?

Being involved in a satirical song like that? I hope it might do. To give her a different perspective on it? Yeah, because she really loves Buckleton the Musical. Yes. And I would think that it might seep in there a little bit.

I mean, it's almost replaced Hamilton in her affections and she really loved Hamilton. When can the public see Buckleton the Musical? Oh, it's actually come off the West End after a smash hit run because the other theatres were angry.

Because it was too... It was taking all the audiences. Yeah, there you go. That's weird because I didn't hear about it. Oh, no, it happened very quickly. Did it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was so successful so fast they had to stop it. that's weird because i didn't i didn't hear it didn't know it happened very quickly did it yeah it was so successful so fast they had to stop it and it won all the awards did it yeah and everyone

else was going like wait what why what's the buckleton it's too similar to hamilton and apparently all the hamilton people got annoyed what would happen if i looked it up on the internet because with success like that i wouldn't i mean surely it would be it up on the internet? Don't look it up on the internet. Because with success like that, I wouldn't... I mean, surely it would be on the internet. Well, you can look it up, but some of the results may have been removed by law. Buckleton. Buckleton was a smash hit musical that ran in the West End for one night only. Such was the incredible success of this production that a group

of entrepreneurs show people and actors clubbed together to bring it down saying that it threatened the livelihood of the West End community colour me wrong thanks man that was like

no present you could give me would be better than than you making that up is that real melody have you seen my phone charger I'd have it right there Have you seen my phone charger? I left it right there. Did you see it?

Have you got it? Where's my charger gone? Where's my phone charger? The battery's about to die. It was on the table. Round and round in their heads Go the chord progressions The empty lyrics And the impoverished fragments of tune

And boom goes the brain box At the start of every bar At the start of every bar Boom goes the brain box do you want another i'm going to give you two serious presents all right okay because these are like proper whoa uh so this is a book big heavy book uh it's the size of a large pen this will probably be under a lot of crinkle trees this uh season oh is it is it holly willoughby's book?

No, it's Darcy Bussell's book, Evolved. Because you love the bussel. I do. Oh, wait. Is it something by James Corden? It's James Corden's big book of fun jokes. Oh, look at this. Beastie Boys book.

Do you know about this thing? No, I don't. It's a super thick almost like a kind of a beastie boys bible but it's got all sorts of stuff recipes and it's kind of like a crazy book this is gonna be great in the toilet it's an ideal toilet book and that is not to disrespect anyone involved with it or you for giving it to me or anything like it's what a toilety christmas podcast it's been. You know, montane.

So what do the Beastie Boys make you think of in our lives? Oh, man. They remind me of a party we had. Yeah. In an American friend, an American exchange student's flat. We can say his name. Chad. Hey, Chad.

He was called. Yeah. And Chad had had Chad had Christmas fun with a lady yeah and none of us had yet kissed a lady

under the mistletoe that's right he was more mature than we were he was very mature and we were very impressed with him yeah and we had that album right we had Licence to Ill

yeah and for some reason he had an empty flat which was like kind of manna from heaven at that age wasn't it his dad's place and his dad was out of town? Maybe.

So we got loads of booze and it was you, me, Chad and Louis. And we must have been, what, 16? Yeah. And we listened. Well, we can check because it was the year that The Fly came out. Was it? And we went to see The Fly. Did we?

Yeah. It was the last day of half term. Really? And we went to see The Fly at the Odeon Marble Arch. I'm putting in The Fly UK release. But to cut a long story short, 87. 87, there you go. So we were like 17.

Yeah, 17, nearly 18. We got very, very, very, very, very drunk. We drank irresponsibly. And we danced to Licence to Ill. I think we stayed up all night. And then I remember you, me and vomiting so profusely that there was a continuous stream of vomit between the pavement and his mouth. And he wasn't even sitting on the curb. He was just standing up, bent over, and there was a continuous, as if he was resting his mouth on a Greek puke column.

In fact, it became known as the column of vomit, didn't it? The column of vomit. Because he was quite a puker in those days, I think. Yes, it definitely came back fast. And he did it in a very sort of louche, nonchalant way. Right. Like it wasn't a big deal. He wasn't like, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.

He's just like, hang on a second. Come on. Column of vomit. And then it's like, hang on a second. Cut him a vomit. And then he's like, yeah, okay, let's get on the tube. Yeah. And it was sort of impressive. It was impressive. In a way.

It was the beginning of an extraordinary career. Thanks, man. I'll relive those happy memories with the Beastie Boys book. I can't you see where I am coming from. I can't you see where I am coming from. Right. One last item left on the agenda, and that is the doodle story. How far are we going to get through it? Now, you know I spoke to Simon Pegg about this. Right. I did hear that, yeah. He was careful not to divulge all the details.

He didn't want to incur the wrath of J. Corn. But he did contest your assertion that Tita Jackson was in the room. This was in a meeting room in Los Angeles during the production of Tintin and the Unicorn. Tintin, The Adventures of Tintin and the Secret of the Unicorn, the classic motion capture family adventure film written by Stephen Mo moffat edgar wright and joe cornish okay yeah you guys you were drafted in when moffat went moffat had to

leave to do doctor who so we were drafted in so we're in giant studios near the beach in los angeles i'm fresh off the boat i remember how i said it last time. I'm telling it in exactly the same way. And in the room are Steven Spielberg, Joe Cornish, Edgar Wright, Simon Pegg, and Nick Frost and possibly Peter Jackson. It's contested whether he was there. The door suddenly opens. In comes Tom Cruise, the cruiser. No one contests that. No.

He immediately scans the room, sees that I'm the one person who he's never met. He goes, hey, I'm Tom. Looks me right in the eye. I shake his hand. I'm very excited. that no he immediately scans the room sees that i'm the one person who he's never met goes hey i'm tom looks me right in the eye i shake his hand i'm very excited he sits down i'm starstruck i'm thrilled because we used to love tom cruise used to back in the day mission impossible fallout love it got to be the film of 2018 when it comes to blockbusters i've said it before i really do like them but but i mean we though from risky business onwards that was the stuff outsiders yeah i was i I've said it before, I really do like them. But, I mean, we, though, from Risky Business onwards, that was the stuff of our... Outsiders? Yeah.

I was digging him in the Outsiders. All the right moves. And we didn't even know that he was a bit of an oddbod back in those days. I think he's a wonderful man. So, in he comes. He shakes my hand. He sits down next to me. The meeting continues.

There's business talk around the table. Yeah. And Tom notices that I'm doodling. On a piece of paper, I'm doodling Snowy the dog. Okay, that's where we got to last Christmas, isn't it? Okay, this is new territory. It's exciting. Oh my lord, I just want to make it go on

for as long as possible. You're doodling because you're nervous? No, I just doodle. It's one of my things. I'm very creative. Sometimes you just doodle. I's one of my things. I'm very creative. Sometimes Joe, he just doodle. I doodle with Betty Bruna. You know, he does a bit of a doodle.

So I'm doodling Snowy the dog and I've drawn three of his legs. But the front right paw, I've yet to connect the two lines that form the outside edges of his front right leg. Tom sees the doodle of Snowy. He leans next to me. He says, is that your doodle? I say, yeah, that's my doodle. That's a good doodle. Thanks, man.

Is that Snowy the dog? Yeah, that's Snowy. He says, can I doodle? I'm like, yeah, sure you can doodle. He takes my pen. Is this when he was five that's how tom talks he's very enthusiastic and directional yeah this is that is what he said yeah he said can i doodle i said yes sure man have a doodle so he takes the pen and he he starts to connect the two lines of Snowy's leg. But instead of drawing a paw, he draws a black square.

OK. As if he's sort of worried about doing an actual foot or being judged about the foot that he's drawing. The quality of the paw. Or that he's thinking, I don't know this guy. I'm Tom Cruise. I'm doodling. I don't want to do anything that gives anything away about me or the quality of my doodle abilities.

This is simply my conjecture. But... This is you as a qualified psychotherapist. A fully qualified psychotherapist. But Snowy had three fully formed paw feet. Like a dog. Tom gave him a black square instead of a paw. And that is where the story must end for this Christmas.

Are you insane? No. Christmas must be looked forward to by the whole family. And this is how to do it. Simon intimated that the end of this story might not be worth waiting for. He's wrong. He's jealous of the story. He knows he doesn't have a better story, despite all the films he's been in, all the famous people he's met.

He has no story that can match the Tom Cruise doodle story. That's why he pours scorn on it. So that's your Christmas present, listener. It was a twisty. For 2018, you get, and he drew, a small black square. Bye. Wait. Bye! You look at the world, makes the world want to say yes. It looks very professional. I love browsing your videos and pics and I don't want to stop.

And I'd like to access your members area and spend in your shop. These are the kinds of comments people will say about your website if you build it with Squarespace. Just visit squarespace.com slash buxton for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, because you will want to launch, use the offer code BUXTON to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. So put the smile of success on your face with Squarespace. Yes. Continue. hey welcome back christmasy podcats hope you enjoyed that joe cornish there thank you very

much to joe for his time and his wonderful gifts always quite like a surprisingly thoughtful gift giver i felt a bit bad that I didn't give him anything more decent. He actually gave me a couple of other things as well. A Leroy Hudson anthology and album by Diodato. Diodato 2. It's both very good if you like that sort of jazz funk type music. Anyway, really good to see Joe. Always good to see Joe. You know, always just makes me think, boy, I wish we could still hang out on a much more regular basis. But he's busy with his stuff and I cannot wait to see The Kid Who Would Be King.

I haven't seen it yet. I was invited to a screening a couple of weeks back, but couldn't do it because, oh yeah, it was family things. Children having sports fixtures and things like that. But I can't wait to see it in February when it comes out. So I hope you're having a nice day. Listeners, whether you're infused with the Christmas spirit or not, whether you're listening to this on the 25th of December 2018 or sometime thereafter. But look, I said I was going to read out a couple more messages that we got at the end. And as I said, I don't normally read out stuff that people send in,

but here's a couple of kind of Radio 2-ish messages that caught my eye and thought, ah, that'll be nice for Christmas. This one is from Adam Young. And he says, Dear Adam, my partner Laura and I live and work for an NGO in Borneo and are both loyal podcats. In October, we were trekking deep within the ancient rainforest of Danum Valley. As we clambered to the top of a waterfall and gazed out... Are you sure you weren't playing Tomb Raider? As we clambered to the top of a waterfall and gazed out across the primeval vista, I took a knee and asked Laura if she would join me in the archaic tradition of marriage

and become my wife, to which she responded in your nasal tones, My wife? I cherish the fact that despite finding ourselves in one of the planet's last remaining wildernesses, we were accompanied by you all along. Festive tidings to you and Joe. Love from Adam Young. Thanks, Adam and Laura Bryan. And congratulations.

Sounds as if you're going to be married, if I understood the message correctly. Well, it's really fun, easy and relaxing being married. So have a great time. Rosie. Ah, she's bouncing. Here she comes. It's a Christmas fly pass from the hairy bullet. Listen. Like a thoroughbred horse, like a tiny, hairy, thoroughbred horse bullet. That's what Rosie's like. All right, one more message before I bid you farewell. And, uh, oh yeah, this is just a nice message. This just from Bex. Hello, Dr. Buckles. No anecdotes from me. Just a very warmly wished Merry Christmas and thank you. I love your

podcast. It's an absolute pleasure whomever you talk to. Anyway, by way of a thank you, I've made a donation in your name to the MS Society. Excellent organization. Did a Bowie Bug show for them earlier this year. all the family. I get three kisses. Thanks, Bex. What a kind message. Merry Christmas to you. And to all of you listeners, thank you very much for listening this year. Thanks to Matt Lamont for his edit whiz bottery on this episode. Really appreciate it, Matt. Thanks a lot, man. Thank you so much to Seamus Murphy Mitchell. He's got a lot on his plate, and he does this as like an extra duty in his life. And he puts a lot of work into it. And I really am very grateful to him.

If you're listening, Seamus, thanks, man. We're both too awkward to say these kinds of things in real life. But I'm giving you a hug. I'm getting a small stool and I'm standing on it in order to make it possible for me to give you a hug because you're so tall but thanks a lot man and I wish you all the best for 2019 as I do all the people who have been on the podcast and helped with the podcast and all of you for listening thanks a lot thanks to ACAST for their continued support in all sorts of ways much appreciated okay that's enough i think hey take care until we meet again in 2019 uh i think the podcast will be back i've got to get back to writing i've really been shirking my writing responsibilities and i think my editor's

getting quite sad so i've got to spend a few months doing that, but hoping to come back with regular episodes in April of 2019. Got some good guests lined up for you. Until then, I love you. Bye! Hey! Like and subscribe. Like and subscribe. Like and subscribe. Please like and subscribe. Give me a little smile and a thumbs up. Nice, take a bite, put your thumbs up.

Give me a little smile and a thumbs up. Nice, take a bite, put your thumbs up. Like and subscribe. Like and subscribe. Like and subscribe. Like and subscribe. Like and subscribe. Thank you.