THE ADAM BUXTON PODCAST - EP.97 - BOB MORTIMER & PAUL WHITEHOUSE

Episode Date: June 15, 2019

Adam talks with British comedians Paul Whitehouse and Bob Mortimer about Bowie, television, fishing, Athletico Mince, Stavros, Loadsamoney and other randomness.Thanks to Séamus Murphy-Mitchell for production support and to Matt Lamont for additional editing, and Dan Hawkins for bass playing on the instrumental jingle at approx 43 mins (see link below for Dan's excellent on-line bass player service)GUARDIAN ARTICLE RE. MARTIN LUTHER KING CLAIMShttps://amp.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2019/jun/08/martin-luther-king-david-garrow-essay-claims?ADAM BUXTON @ LONDON PODCAST FESTIVAL, 12th SEPTEMBER, 2019https://shop.kingsplace.co.uk/single/SYOS.aspx?p=24202&syo=1MORTIMER & WHITEHOUSE - GONE FISHING AUDIOBOOKhttps://www.audible.co.uk/pd/Mortimer-Whitehouse-Gone-Fishing-Audiobook/1788702174?source_code=M2M30DFT1BkSH121515013C&ipRedirectOverride=trueDAVID BOWIE DOES AN IMPRESSION OF PAUL WHITEHOUSEhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=30JBcxqGjKw&feature=youtu.be&t=172ROSIE DOG IN FIELD BOUNCINGhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wODa2jV_MUs2 NORTHDOWN - COMEDY VENUE AND SPACE FOR HIREhttps://www.2northdown.com/DAN HAWKINS (ON LINE BASS PLAYER)http://www.danhawkinsbass.com/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I added one more podcast to the giant podcast bin Now you have plucked that podcast out and started listening I took my microphone and found some human folk Then I recorded all the noises while we spoke My name is Adam Buxton, I'm a man I want you to enjoy this, that's the plan. Hey, how you doing, podcats? Adam Buxton here. Welcome to podcast episode number 97.

And you find me out walking on a very reasonable evening after a week of torrential rain, crazy monsoon weather, travel chaos, general dampness. Not at all what you'd expect for the middle of June, even here in the UK. Thanks a lot, Al Gore. He's the one that started all this climate chaos. And I lay the blame squarely at his door.

Anyway, it looks reasonable for the time being. Albeit still quite cold. I've got several layers on. Got a T-shirt. Got a fleece. Got a puffer jacket. P puffer jacket puffer jacket and I got my jeans it's not what you want to be wearing in mid-June is it anyway listen let me tell you about this week's podcast which features a very rambly conversation, maybe one of the rambliest ever, with two legends of British comedy, Paul Whitehouse and Bob Mortimer.

This is Bob's second appearance on the podcast. His first was last year, 2018, episode 74. And that was, as I recall, just before Mortimer and Whitehouse Gone Fishing made its debut on BBC Two and became an instant hit with viewers, spawning not only a second series, which I believe is in the pipeline, but a book and an audio book. The publication of the Gone Fishing book was the reason that Bob was joined on the podcast, this time by Paul Whitehouse, who, like Bob, was one of the biggest stars of 90s comedy.

Although he and Charlie Higson were already making waves in the 80s, they were writing characters like Stavros and loads of money for Harry Enfield. And Paul has gone from strength to strength with all sorts of projects thereafter. He is currently performing on stage in the West End of London as Grandad in the Only Fools and Horses musical, for which he provided music and lyrics along with Jim Sullivan, Chas Hodges of Chaz and Dave and John Sullivan, the writer of the original legendary 80s TV show. Rodney, you plonker, etc. My conversation with Paul and Bob was recorded in May of this year, 2019, one afternoon at the King's Cross

Comedy Venue to Northdown. Thanks once again to the good folks there for letting me use the venue out of hours. Thanks guys. And as you will hear from a bit of conversation caught on the backup recorder as Bob and Paul were coming in and getting settled at 2 North Down, Paul is a fellow Bowie fan. In fact, I didn't realize that he had seen one of the Bug David Bowie live shows that I did a couple of years ago and he reminded me that I also sent him via a mutual friend Nikki hi Nikki a link for a video that I found on YouTube of Bowie on a tour bus during his last ever tour in 2004 the reality tour in which he is doing an impression of one of paul's fast show characters the guy that says brilliant and there's bowie trying on a pair of earrings that he's just bought at a gas station that sort of little flashing led earrings and bowie's showing them

off to the rest of the band and saying aren't earrings brilliant look so i found that and i thought wow i wonder if paul's seen this so i i got nicky to send him a link and when we did the podcast as you will hear paul was boasting to bob that bowie had done an impression of him although bob wasn't that fussed because it turns out he's not really a Bowie guy. Oh, dear. Luckily, what he is, along with Paul, is one of the nicest and most genuinely funny people in comedy. The Athletico Mints podcast, which Bob does with writer Andy Dawson, is still one of the most consistently funny podcasts out there,

for my money. Always raises my spirits. And it was a great pleasure to see Bob again and to meet Paul properly for the first time. Here we go! Conversation code and find your Bye. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, the left move to the right beep beep I'm not anti bowie I don't get the I never I always used to choose girlfriends based on whether they're like Bowie or not right I never liked girls that like Bowie I mean you've got to pronounce his

name properly to begin yeah exactly it's how I pronounce it so it's the right way the boy in the bright blue jeans but how many girlfriends have you? You only had one in all that time, so fuck off. Yeah, but she didn't like Bowie, she liked Roxy Music. I mean, obviously he's histrionic a little bit because he's a performer, but. Yeah, how much more mannered is bloody Brian Ferry? I never believed him, I thought he was faux. I know a lot of people say that.

They asked me how I knew. Do you remember Rod Stewart? My true love was too. Excuse me. Excuse me. Do you remember Rod Stewart from those days? Yeah. That was authentic.

That was superb shit. Yeah, I like Rod. Yeah, yeah, I like the faces, yeah. I can like the faces and like David Bowie, but they're not mutually exclusive, are they? I've fought against inauthentic people all my life. Honestly, with sword and mace. Inauthentic.

But it's showbiz. He's wearing glitter and he's taking you out of the ordinary, out of the humdrum. Showbiz was Rod's shoes. I don't know that Rod Stewart is 100% authentic. That was probably a bad call. I just blurted it out. Atlantic Crossing, that stuff is not authentic.

That all falls apart. I did say the faces. Yeah, yeah, okay. What's your go-to Bowie album, Paul? Well, recently we had to sign a load of these. Books. Paul pointed the these. Books. Paul points at the book. Yeah.

It was a dull process, Adam. And I tell you what I really enjoyed listening to was Station to Station, actually. It was very good. Yeah. I loved it. And I saw him probably about 1978. It was cool. That was a really good tour.

That was one with all the neon and everything. Yeah, it was great. Yeah. I did Top of the Pops with him. Not with him, I was on the same time with Pops. And he was with that, is it Tin Machine? Yes. Or something like that. Heavy, heavy, heavy. And he had fuck off written on his t-shirt. Did he?

They told him he had to take it off and he did. That's very authentic, don't you think? Taking it off. Yeah, but he took it off. Fuck off. But he took it off. We don't like swearing in the pop in the pop song doing I don't like what I've never liked wearing a swear view No, you know no fucking hillbillies Hillbillies t-shirt that is quite good. Oh, yeah Would you ever be fucking with an apostrophe? Keep on for me. Yeah a good one though yeah it is isn't it would you would it be fucking with an apostrophe keep on fucking

yeah we're recording by the way oh wait is that all being that's all being recorded because I'd like

people to know my views yeah on non-sweary t-shirts well you haven't been holding back have you about

you know your have you been getting very angrily political in your recent interviews very much so, yeah. But not with regard to the political issues that people think matter. The actual issues that do actually matter.

Really matter. What platform are you standing on? Domestic politics. The issues that matter. I call it home politics. Right. Yeah, yeah. Politics as it affects you under your roof.

Sounds a bit petty bourgeois to me. Well, no, I'm a big believer in sorting out domestic politics before you go to wider social politics. Yeah. Really? Where's the fun in that? Well, you've got to always like... I like making grandiose statements about stuff I have no knowledge whatsoever. What was the last statement you made of that kind?

I probably made one on the way here, didn't I? That all rivers will stop flowing when you die. That's how important you are. What sort of domestic political issues are you dealing with, Bob? Politics at the moment is infecting my life, sort of making me so sad. Yeah. I can't even...

You mean party politics? I'm going through a process of trying to not think about it not read anything about why don't you take a leaf from Adams book and your own book and concentrate on something very close to home this is a it was me who was advocating that yeah because of the big picture so I've got to take that outside and once I'm in my house that's gone that doesn't exist right right but how big a TV do you need well let's have a think about that yes what are you currently on i'm currently working a 65 yeah a 65 oled yeah

show me that in terms of this desk it is wider than any of us can stretch our arms i span around i think that i actually heard a bloke say that. I span around six feet. If you go above 55, you'll have the standard sort of, I don't know what, close-up, that shot, the newsreader shot. Their head, if you get to 65, their head will be bigger than the human head.

Yeah? And suddenly you get a slightly more cinematic experience yeah yeah so you really are you know like yeah there's a terrific program naked and afraid have you seen that no i've not watched any program you mentioned i won't have seen naked and afraid on a 65 inch tv wow do you get close-ups of genitals no it's all pixelated it's all pixelated yeah it's all pixelated, yeah. It's a very family-friendly show. Do you think those two terms are pretty...

I mean, most people are afraid when they're naked, aren't they? Certainly if they're thrashed in a public place. Apart from if you're on your own. No, but it's to indicate that it's not naked and aroused. That's a different show. Yeah. This one's naked and afraid. So they're trying to make it like serious they're trying to restore the seriousness to nakedness naked and generous naked and

argumentative yeah yes naked arguments where does the phrase personal pipe come from that you use on athletic omitted? I really don't like using rude words on broadcasting. Fucking gangbangers, don't you fucking love them? No you don't do. Yes I've just lied, I'm not, how awful. Lying through my teeth. Yeah it's just trying to find a nicer way that still puts the image in someone's mind it's nice in the scottish brogue i like your scottish stories made me bum your accent holds up i have a feeling they could get me into trouble yes i think why who are they offensive to someone no the scotch the scots they're not easily offended, though, are they? The Scots, they're the last group to not really be easily offended.

Can I just say hats off to them now? Yeah. I love Scotland. Definitely. Very strong brand, isn't it? Well, you took me there last year, my first experience of Scotland. And I know most people realise this. It's not news to anyone.

But it is a beautiful country to look at. It's almost. Because we're so close to it, forget don't you yeah it was hauntingly beautiful whereabouts were you on the river tay was this for the fishing show yes we were fishing lovely beautiful out on the rowing boat we were by the burial ground where wallace killed a load of english soldiers yeah big man near dunk held sort of middle absolutely extraordinary and that's been the three nice things about the fishing is one being with an old mate being like an old mate you can say old man i genuinely did you know and number two would be i did not know how beautiful this country was yeah yeah whoa never made the effort

i did when i was a kid it's funny when i was a kid it's very beautiful near middlesbrough where i was born in the cleveland hills and so on and we used to cycle out and go down little country you know get lost in the countryside fast forward 40 years never done it since just passing places by in cars or trains so would that mean that you changed your holidaying habits? Like instead of going to America, for example, would you maybe think, let's find out. That's where I go, I go to Derbyshire. Is that Derbyshire? No.

Derbyshire? No, that was Punjab, I think. I was just trying, yeah, I mean, no offence. It's a difficult one. Dabashir. No, that's not... Dabashir? Maybe more like that.

T-shirt. T-shirt. T-shirt. It's like Room for Romeo Brass. Have you seen Room for Romeo Brass, Adam? Yeah, yeah. Do you think it's the greatest ever film? I love Shane Meadows and I love Paddy Constantine.

That scene in Dead Man's Shoes where he's going up to the guy, Paddy Constantine, and he's saying, I've got you right here in the palm of my hand. And it's so menacing and exciting and visceral. No, they're great. It's the moment when Paddy takes his pen out onto the kid's face. That's frightening. Have you ever been offered menacing roles, Paul? Like serious menacing parts? I did a bit in a film called Ghost Stories.

Oh, yeah, that's right. Andy Nyman and Jeremy Dyson, which was... I mean, I'm not quite so menacing in it, but I think I was quite a menacing character in one of your Randall and Upcurts. I think you were, weren't you? Had a scar, you know. I remember the first time when you did something on Smell of Reeves and Mortimer,

you were dressed as an SS officer. Oh, yeah, that's right. You didn't half look frightened. That gear was really something, you know. When Paul walked around the corner with those boots and that. Yeah, it's sinister. Whoa, it's effective. I found a box full of souvenirs that

my dad had brought back from the second world war so he was out there at the end of it all and he was part of a group of soldiers liberating you know camps out in germany and anyway he was wandering around collecting souvenirs nazi flags and bits of propaganda and things like that. Just thinking these will be interesting one day. But what do you do with that stuff? It's so grim and horrible. It's not even in particularly good condition so it's not good enough for a museum or anything like that. So do I keep this box with a Nazi flag in it and... Have you still got it? Yeah. You know a couple of people that have that. No.

No, thank you. No. No. Bob, I sent you via Twitter a recommendation for the TV show Russian Doll. Yes. And you responded politely because it's always weird getting a recommendation for something that is essentially... Very kind of you to give me it, though. Did you investigate? Yes, I did.

I got to about number five of it. Okay. That's not good. But, I mean, if you get that far through, there's only eight. I did get... Honestly, about number five of it. Okay. That's not good but I mean if you get that far through there's only eight. I did get honestly I didn't finish it.

It's a bit kooky. Too kooky. I worried that it would be over quirk. Do you know? Yeah. For you. Because you fear quirkiness.

Little ticks and quirks and things like that. Yeah. But I thought that it overall it was on the right side of that. Oh well maybe I'll finish it.

How do you find time to watch all these things? I know you'd sit on your ass. Because it's my priority to sit on my ass. Yeah? Well, you've earned it, I suppose. Adams, it's a young fella. I find time by living in the country and being married to someone who is equally low in ambition.

Nice. married to someone who is equally low in ambition so we are happy to sit on the sofa and consume quite a lot of this stuff and also i don't really go out anymore so there's that we tend to watch comedies you can't watch dkds as i call them dead kid dramas oh shit because you know i mean so much of it now seems to be how many kids die yeah how many, you know, the trail of dead children. And so it's a non-starter, you know. I try to keep ahead of the crime wave. I've run a crime club for four or five years now. But it's kind of overtaken me.

Now, it's everywhere, isn't it, is these crime documents. So I'm trying to keep ahead of that. So I've stopped watching too many of just the ID channel ones and the, you know, channel four or channel five ones. And I try and watch actual trials from America. It's commit to nine hours, you know. Yeah. And watch the trial.

Where do you watch those? I watch those on YouTube. There's just a library of some of the great trials you know right but you can get really absorbed in them you know and and i try not to find out it'll just say day one trial tommy lee something whatever i don't look you need to know the charge though surely because if it's just no i pack in them well to be honest with you paul it's not on there if it's not a good one. Oh, right. So there's no some procedural motoring charge. You're not going to watch that.

He got off. Yeah, Tommy Lee would have been charged with hooting the horn of a boat with his old chap. With his old chap, yeah. Back in the day with Pamela Anderson. Should we give Pamela Anderson a round of applause? No. For being, she's like a real activist now on the world stage, isn't she? Is she?

Yeah, she's a big supporter of Julian Assange, isn't she? Is she? Yes. I'm confused with Assange. Are you meant to like him? I don't know either. You'll know Adam. You will.

I'm across all this stuff. You are meant to admire his commitment to... The truth. ...liberating information and fighting against despots, but you are meant to be wary of the fact that he is clearly quite psychopathic and self-involved. I mean, we are now... Oh, I hesitate to even bring this up,

so maybe I shouldn't. But did you read about Martin Luther King? No. Oh, Jesus. What's happened to him? What's he done there? Oh, my God. Martin.

Martin. Apparently, his biographer has... So this is the... It's already suspicious because it's like this bloke's got a book out about Martin Luther King. And anyway, supposedly he's dug up various files that the FBI had from 40 years ago of Martin Luther King doing terrible things or being in a room where one of his parishioners is assaulting a woman. And Martin Luther King is doing nothing and even encouraging him and laughing about it supposedly he was a sort of serial philanderer and aggressive with women and unpleasant with women and oh it's just bad for martin luther king so what do you do with that

it's martin luther king he's generally one of the people who was thought to be beyond reproach and then nobody's beyond reproach and then nobody's beyond reproach well this is what people are gradually discovering and it seems like it depends who's making you know right those claims as well exactly there's a possibility that it's bullshit and the fbi had you know it was in their interest to stitch him up and make him look bad i think we should stick with nobody's beyond reproach. Okay. Okay. Let's draw a line under that whole conversation with no one's really beyond reproach. Cilla Black's nice, isn't she? She never did anything bad.

Surely. Cilla Black was nice, wasn't she? I once tripped up at the Comedy Awards. You nearly tripped up saying comedy then, Bob. You had to have two goes at it. And I broke my fall on Cilla Black's tit. Did you? Yeah.

So there you go. Okay, well, can I introduce a similar theme? Oh, please do. Barbara Windsor once pinned my hand to a sofa with her tit. Really? Had she fallen? Not intentionally. She was sort of leaning like that, and I had my hand there,

and it pressed against my hand, and I thought, well, shall I remove it now, or will that cause more trouble than it's worth? So I leave it there. I'd like to write a song about Barbara Windsor's tears. And I thought I'd better leave my hand there till the end. It didn't seem to be bothering her. I was the one who was, you know, in most discomfort. But I stuck with it.

I think, I mean, yeah, that's surely, that's a no-brainer, surely, to be immobilised by such a magnificent and famous and well-respected breast. Decolatage. Decolatage. Yeah. Yeah. I thought we'll leave it there. And I honestly thought that withdrawal wouldn't be the right option. Yeah.

No, it's not even a nice word to use in that context. I mean, I am looking for unusual incidents that happen. And that's quite unusual. When you're on YouTube or just in your life? No, in my life, I think. They're few and far between. The other day, there was concentric pans, a saucepan in another saucepan.

It was a bit smaller. And I put my hand down the side to pull out the smaller one and got really badly trapped and it was a bit like and i could almost sense this was going to happen yeah but no but this is and so it was you know when why wouldn't you use the handle let's not let's not get to forensically let's look at the results of it rather than you know why did i go home that day right the the the thing is is it's like do you know when know when they catch monkeys, they put some fruits or monkey biscuits in a hole, the monkey goes in and grabs them, and it can't work out that it needs to open its hand. Are you thinking of Paul Borrel on I'm a Celebrity?

That's a nice, similar thing. So I thought that, you know, like, pull, pull. Pull, pull. Monkey, pull, monkey. Yeah, but it needed more. Push. Similar thing so I thought that you know like pull pull pull pull Monkey pull monkey. Yeah, but it needed more anyway It needed a bit of thought was wise in the end I used water I think yeah take that home with you Paul Yeah, how might you use water? Oh, I know I I know what you did. Yeah. Another unusual. Coefficient of linear expansion. Exactly.

It's the only bit of physics I remember. Because it's great, isn't it? It's superb. Hold on one second. Did you use water just to dislodge the smaller of the two pans? Yes, I filled the gap between the pans. And the smaller one just lifted right out. Just grabbed, yeah.

But another unusual incident that I had was, like my first big fly of the season, this, you know, they're coming in now, aren't they? The flies. Big old blue. Oh, here we go, sounds like Pete and Dad there. Blooming flies, yeah. And I threw a cushion at it, went around. Wow, wow, it's dangerous, isn't it?

It's gone, beautiful. First light hunt of the year. Sat back down to watch Sally and I heard... And the unusual incident was I'd thrown it and it had gone inside the cushion. How unusual is that? It sort of altered its molecular structure and gone in. I assumed there'd been a little gap where the zip was a bit open. I thought, what an unusual incident.

Yeah. What did you do then? Did you liberate it or just sort of pound that? I just pounded that. Pounded that cushion. Yeah. Are all those stories true? Is Cilla Black's breast broke your fall true?

Yes, absolutely true, yeah. At LWT Comedy Awards. Hand-trapped in concentric. Absolutely true. Pops. No, I'm serious about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there's not many.

That's why I've got three in my life. Fly in cushion. Fly in cushion, yeah. Concentric. Absolutely true. Pots. No, I'm serious about it. There's not many. That's why I've got three in my life. Fly in cushion. Fly in cushion, yeah. There's sort of trappage involved in all of them, isn't there? There's a theme there. What's wrong? How comes you're not questioning my Barbara Windsor trapped hand story? Oh, I think that

yeah, you wouldn't make something like that. No. You're absolutely right. Have you got any unusual incidents? You're 60 years old. What, trapped things? No, I've got none. What an unusual incident. All right, my nan, my nan was Welsh, so I'll do the Welsh accent.

She, one night, claimed to have been attacked in her bed by a moth. But a pig, a moth, a pig, a moth, a pig, a pig moth. But a pig. A moth. A pig. A pig moth. Right? And it drank five pints of her blood. Five pints of my blood. She was absolutely adamant this had happened.

Five pints of her blood. So, I mean, five pints. It was some moth, wasn't it? I mean, it would be quite a big pig, wouldn't it? It would be. I mean, it was a moth. And it was too I mean, it'd be quite a big pig, wouldn't it? It would be. I mean, there's a moth. And then it couldn't fly. It was too heavy.

So it crawled away. The pig moth, yeah. Who called it the pig moth? She did. Like a moth, but a pig. A pig moth. Five pints of my blood. She was absolutely adamant that it happened.

Now, what do you reckon? We only have eight pates, Dolby. There'll be nothing. I know, I know. So not only did it denude her of five-eighths of her blood, it swelled up to accommodate that and then couldn't fly off. Like a colossal tick. I wonder what you're going to say.

But my sister claims, and we, you know, it's always been sort of subject of ridicule and you know deluded old woman and and then my sister read somewhere about a moth with a vampiric like a pig's head but five pints i don't know how she knew it was five pints of her blood but that's what she reckoned but she she didn't receive medical attention. Nah, she just regenerated. I could regenerate. I've only got one left. So it's really difficult. How many did you, were bestowed on you?

I got three. I got three, yeah. Right, and you used two? I used two of them, yeah. Wow. Guess how many hits there are for pig moth. 6,082. Lower. two of them yeah guess how many hits there are for pig moth 6082 lower 86 none none wow that's good though isn't it we're in virgin territory here pig moth no one has ever thought of a pig moth really yeah because they don't exist Well it existed for my nan that night.

Moths don't even, I mean they're very... They don't suck blood do they? No. No. They're not menacing. The worst thing about a moth is that they sort of... Does it actually feed? They feed on light. Yeah. They just flop around and the worst thing that could happen with a moth is that it'll get some dust on you from its wings. Yeah, scary. They're ugly creatures, as are butterflies. Once you get past a wing, the central core of a butterfly is quite scary and horrible, isn't it? Yeah, but that's why they've got the great wings, isn't it?

Yeah, distract from that. Because the daddy longlegs is actually one of the most poisonous things on Earth, isn't it? No, you can look this up, Adam. It's like it has one of the most lethal things on earth isn't it no you can look this up Adam it's like it has one of the most lethal poisons in nature I'm sure you've told me this before

but it's such a tiny amount right but if they could if you had like a million of them it would be the most

toxic substance on earth here we go a widespread myth holds that daddy yes thank you Adam oh daddy long legs also known as

granddaddy long legs or harvest men are the most venomous spiders in the world spiders we're only safe from their bite we are told because their fangs are too small and weak to break through human skin look up the crane fly now, please, because the crane fly, daddy long legs, in angling terms. What am I looking up about the crane fly? Just write crane fly and see if it comes up as daddy long legs.

Is it a bastard? No mention of daddy long legs. Crane fly is a common name referring to any member of the insect family Tipulidae of the order Diptera. True flies in the insect family, Tipulidae, of the order Diptera. True flies in the super family, Tipuloidea.

Hat sauce to the Victorians, eh? Tipuloidea. Tipuloidea to you, Thorough. Tip your hat to the Victorians for doing all this work on your behalf. On our behalf, yeah. And the nice drawings and everything. Lovely.

And they basically put everything in jars, didn't they? Yeah, jar it. What shall I do with this? Catch it, jar it. What shall I do with this, Mr Frog? Jar it. Jar it. Stick it in a museum.

Don't let anyone look at it for 300 years. No, you can't go in that room. What's in there, jars? Not jars. Unseen jars. I am making tea. Would you like some tea? Not jars. Unseen jars. I am making tea, would you like some tea? It is strong builder's tea, would you like it?

Do you want some milk inside? We've got different types. And if you want some sugar, just ask for it. I won't judge you if you ask for it. Are you an audio book guy, Paul? We are now, because we've got our own audio book. Yes, have you done an audio book for... Wow, we've got round to your book. Yeah, you did that really well.

Good segue. Bob, you've been useless so far. Thank you very much. So take over now. Yes, so we've done this book that's based on the series. It's got recipes. It's got our health story. It's got tales from the riverbank, anecdotes.

And we've done an audio version the audio ones are good good it's like what adam does isn't it we've got like podcasts five hours of fun yeah is it five hours i bet you it is has it got extra stuff in it oh it's completely different yeah we just used that as a sort of very basic model and then we just talked rubbish really so they're very different things that they're um they've both got their own merit though. Yeah. That's great man. I'm well up for that. Do you fish? Do you object to fishing? Where are you with the fishing? I went on a fishing lodge in Alaska with my dad in the 80s and he was a travel writer and he was writing for the Sunday Telegraph and he went off and we stayed on this floating fishing lodge. Did you float plane in? Yes we did and it was like a big floating

platform with a nice wooden hotel small hotel built on it lodge and you would sail around the coast just a few hundred meters from the actual coast so you could see grizzly bear and moose and stuff on the banks of the water and you'd fish for salmon and it was amazing unbelievable and i don't remember if we would chuck them back or if we would eat them i'm pretty sure we ate a lot of them you know they would prepare them i've done a similar thing in russia and you keep fish for the camp. Yeah. Because it's quite remote, so you, I mean, although they had a good supply line,

but most fish would be returned, but you'd keep one or two for the camp, or one day the guides cooked this salmon on the bank, and they made this kind of soup out of the salmon that I'd just caught. And, you know, it feels real, doesn feels real doesn't it then you know it's sort of like a real existence you know you're out there and you're eating what you've just caught and they made this soup with the salmon and you have a vodka in one cup and your salmon soup in the other and the logic is that you have a shot of vodka hit of the soup and then you don't get a hangover it's an elaborate way of saying you can drink as much vodka as you like wow that sounds

great yeah salmon is that like a chowder or something it was it was that that's i suppose yeah the the best description of it yeah but i am well up for actually reading your book does inspire me because you you talk quite well you sort of anticipate what the experience is going to be like for someone who does take up fishing and you do explain like don't expect it to be brilliant off the bat because you'll probably come back bored and frustrated the first few times but then when it gets when you get hooked it'll be amazing and and that makes sense to me and i i feel as if i'm getting to the right point in my life where i could definitely get into something like it's interesting because you and i you know

you described there's something quite extreme and remote yeah you know graphic but actually you get just as much pleasure kind of sitting by a little lake in norfolk oh yeah and that microcosm of the beauty that is just in front of you it's just as wonderful in fact because it's you're there and you're focused it's you become absorbed literally absorbed into it you know you are part of it did you do fishing trips together before they started being filmed that's is that why yeah that's why yeah i've been asked to do fishing programs for years and i've always resisted because there's no reason and it was my escape you know from life if you like you know so but because bob and i had well apart from the fact that you know it was so enjoyable for us and such a sort of lovely journey.

It also had a reason, which was our heart problem. Right. You know, so it gave it a, it wasn't just two idiots mucking around the riverbank. Well, it is, you know, but there is an underlying, you know. It literally gave it some heart. Yeah, it gave it some heart. We both used the word literally, quite literally, Great Bait, quite literally in the last two sentences. But it did, you know, otherwise it would have just been a jolly. And interestingly for both of us, it's true, it works on that level.

A lot of people come up to us and say, you know, thank you, made my dad go and get a check-up or I'm going to get checked up next week. And when you used to go on your fishing trips before they were being filmed, would you... We used to get out to all sorts of... Oh, sorry, Mum. Nude fishing. Nude fishing.

But would you be able to... I've done nude snooker. Have you done nude snooker? Yeah, at Reading University. They had a lovely snooker room there. Pop the pink. We used to go there, you know, but it was great to have that room and not have someone else come in so we used to take our kit off yeah and then if someone came in they just

that's it that went so we could have as it were reserved the snooker room for hey that's true that that'll drive them away won't it oh for sure yeah but it's the lovely one that i can never quite put my finger that me and paul go fishing it's like we do try I can never quite put my finger. Me and Paul go fishing. It's like we do try to have fun. There's a lot of science as well. I was going to ask, are you able to just be silent for long periods without feeling you have to say something?

Two hours can pass staring at a float, but it's like, I do like the fact that usually it's, I don't go out anymore. I think you were saying earlier, you don't like, but if I do go out, I feel because it will be an event or something that

you've got to try and be like sort of bob mortimer off the telly or something you know you're high energy yeah and all that business or you're writing it so it's for a job or you're performing it and but it's becoming frequent the time that i'm just having fun with one person in silence no audience no one is not leading anywhere it's not going anywhere and that that's something that the fishing's really good because i don't know whether it's particular to fellas it's when i've sat down with paul first time there i haven't sat down with a fella in the middle of nowhere just having a chat really so yeah and it's it's like it's forced me uh to discover what being a mate and having you know fun you can still do it when you're old and i think i'd forgotten that we've quite literally made a

rod for our back though because we've we've taken something that was quite precious like that and and made it work and you can't help it in our game yeah thing you know things that sort of help it in our game yeah thing you know things that sort of seep through from life into work a little bit and but when we make the show although it is work you forget we forget that we do have an agenda we are supposed to be you know following a theme and we uh we usually forget don't we yeah and we've been we go fishing you know away from the cameras as well right okay i was going to say yeah that that genuine sort of feel of the show you know right from the cameras as well right okay i was going to say yeah that genuine sort of feel of the show you know right right so you don't just sort of go what now look we've got to go professionally fishing for the next two months i don't want to go part-time fishing i haven't got

time i've got court tv to watch yeah but tv is such a wonderful thing oh it's always i feel so ashamed that i like telly so much do you find that you retain information that you get from TV though because that's my problem I don't think so we don't need to retain anything anymore hey just look it up isn't it I think that

carpeting will come back it's all laminates now and polished floorboards and I think that's a great thing the Scottish commentator saying It's all laminates now, isn't it? And polished floorboards. And I think, what is it? That's a great thing. The Scottish commentator saying, no, it was Dennis Law. I think that within the next three World Cups,

a team from Africa will win the World Cup. And I think that team might well be Mexico. No. I thought it was Pella who said that anyway. Dennis Law had a team like, well, it'll be Mexico. No! I thought it was Pelo who said that anyway. Dennis Law, he's like, well, be Mexico. But I think the next few years, carpets will come back. And I think

the colour might well be brown. Well, wallpaper's come back. It's on its way back in. Feature walls now, haven't it? You've got feature walls. Have you not got carpets? I've got floorboards with rugs. Oh, really? I mean, everyone's laminate now, aren't they? walls have you not got carpets i've got floorboards we're wrong oh really i mean that laminate everyone's laminate now aren't they everywhere and i tell you that laminates all coming up and going into skips and everything and i predict a real problem for this country

dealing with the like laminate overload that's been shot out of all these houses burn it oh that's fine for the yeah it might be it might if might be. It might if you put it in a laminate burning stove. There's something to get into. Bob's always got his eye on the markets. He thinks. Now, come on. Do your angling direct statistic. Angling direct or something?

The online fishing shop posted its first profits this year. And I'm claiming that it's due to our tv it might be because that's very much a starter's area why didn't you think of that though last year and advise me to buy shares i would have not listened to you anyway no of course you could have bought them i mean it's probably a factor of an aging population perhaps but also i'm not denying the fact that you guys have probably got something to do with it could you. Would that stand up in a court of law? Yes. You reckon?

First time, I made a bail, one of my first appearances was making a bail application for a lad, quite a rough lad mugger. And he, I had my hands in my pockets in front of the magistrates and I said, I'm here on behalf of whatever buttery can. And he said, get your hands out of your pockets I think he might even have said boy or something I wholeheartedly agree with him I'd have had you out of that court before your feet had touched the ground

in fact I'd have locked you up along with him I turned round to look at my client buttery Keith and he was looking at me like you're dead mate, you are dead he had his hands out of his pockets and a knife in them what was the verdict for buttery Keith? didn't get bail. But was never going to get bail.

But you have to go through it. But then he could blame it on you, though. Yeah, shit. No, he stuck with me for nine years. And in fact... Is this the guy that you met? Yeah, in fact, whilst I was representing him, I was going into a club that was above a pub on Peckham High Street one night.

Suddenly sort of separated from me mates. at me face yeah a mug in whatever looked into his eyes and he says oh hello mr. Mortimer fuck for that and it was but we can no not thank fuck no I did moment for you. Did he let you off the mugging then? Oh yeah. He said, take your hands out your pockets. Well, he didn't just give you a reduced rate. Okay, you can just give me a fiver. I was gonna ask for everything.

Just give me your jam time. We'll be right back. I wanted to ask you, Bob, when you're doing your songs on Athletico Mints, and not just the Scottish one, but ones where you actually sing, do you have a special go-to site for your backing tracks? Yeah, I'm not very musical, and so I go on the library to find a song. I think it's called The Melody, where I can just sing exactly what... Do you know what I mean? Yeah. So it's easy.

And as soon as I find one of those, I just write a song. How long does it take to write the song? Some different. The best one I ever did was Barry Holmona's song. Yeah. And I did that very quickly. That was like 10, 15 minutes.

Oh, I love... Oh, look, Steve McLaren's Hair Island, first time. Yeah, that's nice. That was a great one. I did one today, Steve McLaren. I think it's time. Yeah, that's nice. That is a great one. I did one today, Steve McLaren. I think it's my favourite I've ever done. Did you? Oh, Mr. Fernandez.

Kiss, kiss me, Fernandez. I miss you, Fernandez. Because that's the song that I was in. I love all that. You were going to knock that on there, weren't you? Well, was I well you had a little no no no athletic i mean she was gonna oh i don't know why did you get did what was your problem i didn't i didn't have it like but it's the same in every sphere of life you know i thought i'd

love to do um after my heart thing i thought i did make a determination i'm going to do some other things that i haven't i've always wanted to do and j heart thing I thought I did make a determination I'm going to do some of the things that I haven't I've always wanted to do and Jim, Vic who I work with there's no interest in football you couldn't be

less interested so there's never been a football reference in any of our shows or any of it he's not even empty no it's not it's just nothing to him

it's nothing to him and so I thought I'll do I want to do something with football so I did a football podcast but like after about 50 it changes yeah it becomes a chore whatever you do doesn't it so that's why it's probably increasingly less football if i keep changing its kind of personality it keeps it a bit a bit interesting just take breaks though that's yeah exactly take a break

come back but you do you write the stuff? Write? Yeah. Yeah, I know you do most of it, but does Andy do any? Yeah, he does some. Right, okay. But they're very easy to write. You've got a great formula, haven't you?

That's half the battle, isn't it? And I tell you, I bloody well did suss that out. What, the South African? No, the Mallorcan beach when you said it. No, you didn't. I did, because I go to Mallorca quite a lot. A little old lady sitting on the wrecks, mending the nets. I thought, hold up, this ain't right.

Yeah, but you didn't say, hold up, this is South Africa. I knew it was coming, Bob. Something at the back of my mind went wrong. Mortimer, little old lady, nets. No, it's Mallorca. Something's going up his arse. Something's going up his anus in a minute um when did you start writing sort of character sketches Stavros and Loans and Money and things

like that cool probably back in 1986 and were you were and it was just sort of just you know and were you were and it was just sort of just you know embarrassing drunk pub based sort of chat really yeah so it would sort of emerge from that like local characters you know that a guy called adam who ran our local kebab house and he was um he was a funny bloke you know and he he was a little greek guy with a a great sense of human it was pretty leery in hackney in those days, in Wall Street. But he dealt with all his roughneck crowd with humour. You know, he was a funny guy and he was able to control some of the more unruly elements with humour.

And it was great. Because I know Stavros got some sort of know, some sort of negative reaction of press. Some people said, is it racist? And I thought, well, not really. As Harry said, well, I see him as a hero, really, you know. But it was so abundantly affectionate. Yeah, warm, yeah. Yeah.

I mean, I get that, I guess, people feel like there's certain accents you can't do. Well, certainly now. We're very wary, aren't we, of what we say and what accents we do. And you can't do certainly now we're very wary aren't we of what we say and you can understand why but also I do think that to a certain degree

especially with someone like that a character like Stavros it's so warm and it's so affectionate like what negative thing would you take away from it I don't really it was an amazing character I can remember that feeling I think it was Friday nights it was on the show Ben elton it was a saturday night the nation was just waiting for him to come out yeah it was exciting it's exciting well it was really exciting well what a great

format that was for harry and for us yeah because there's not much like it now that could commands that audience as well but it was so hit and miss that show that was the thing i mean even in america saturday night live is very inconsistent but you would watch it because you knew ben elton was probably going to be pretty funny yeah like he had his uh captain paranoia thing do you remember that his bits were usually there was some friday lorry as well you know yeah yeah oh no they would always hit us on there yeah yeah and french and saunders and yeah and that was a platform for harry he had that lovely little two, three minutes, like a single, isn't it, that he was able to do every week.

And then loads of money blew everything out of the world. Well, yeah, we had to come up with another one, and Harry said, well, I need a new character. And luckily we had this sort of one on the back burner, which sort of worked. So it was so instantaneous. And did that start with just a funny voice or did you immediately know that there was a political edge to it i think it was a bit of both we knew it was

going to work weirdly and you can't say that about things can you bob really you never you never know but with that one we felt right and uh you know i told you i had a mac and mate of mine came to the show the other night yeah he uh alan he's been down here for about 40 years. Yeah. Bought his accent as strong as ever, Paul, man. And he said, yeah, I was a lot of Chelsea fans, like, we have money out there and showed loads of money on us. And Harry and I had been sort of mucking about with this thing

and then I sort of developed it a bit with Charlie Higson and, you know, it's a collaborative process because the look was good as well. And it was Harry who gave it that cartoon element of calling him loads of money, you know. I suppose Del Boy, given what I'm doing at the moment. Yeah. Very similar sort of character, wasn't it? That larger than life, cash is king. Not as warm as Del, though, is he?

No. Oh, no, no. He was very one-dimensional and i think harry you know killed him off very quick and he was probably right to you know it was just of the moment did you listen to that malcolm gladwell um program about uh his thesis was that satire political satire is usually counterproductive and actually it doesn't really do the job that it's setting out to do it ends up being co-opted by the very people that it's supposed to be usually doesn't it it does you know an impersonation of a politician they usually so as you say they kind of eventually

come to terms with it and befriend it don't they yeah well that's what they're spitting image people always said was that was that actually people sort of had more respect for Thatcher because of that impression that Steve Nallon used to do because she was so indestructibly intense and scary. People thought, ooh, yeah, great. I think that's probably why we've been conscious. We've never really done any obvious political satire. I don't think loads of money is

you know we quite enjoyed his his own right on behavior you know yeah exactly so you know there was a sort of enjoyment of it because it's so you know he's embracing life and he's not you know he's not a mealy-mouthed character but that's the thing isn't you always that's why characters are fun to do because they you can inhabit a wrong world if you like and we all like to do that can I say thank you for Zavid for that

as much as anything it's not very accurate though it's a real caricature when you listen to him speak he doesn't sound like that I know he doesn't but we think he does like Phil Cornwell who was on Friday, Saturday Live as well, and he did a David Bowie, and his line, he goes,

where's my sausages? And he's never sung that. Well, he might have done, I suppose. To Angie. Where's my sausages? Like Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon, their Bowie is much more sort of, it's all this kind of wavering wise thing. And I've never really thought of Bowie as being, to me it's like

when he would be very sort of urbane there was a point in the early 80s when it was he was trying to sort of smarten himself up can you do that and then say I think he was offside there let's hope that decision is

overruled by VAR. Could you try that joke like David Bowie commentating on the football? Oh dear, I'm going to have to disagree with that decision. I think we'll have to refer to VAR for that call. Wait, this is an advert for Squarespace. Every time I visit your website, I see success. Yes, success. The way that you look at the world makes the world want to say yes.

It looks very professional. I love browsing your videos and pics, and I don't want to stop. And I'd like to access your members area and spend in your shop. These are the kinds of comments people will say about your website if you build it with Squarespace. Just visit squarespace.com slash Buxton for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, because you will want to launch, use the offer code Buxton to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. So put the smile of success on your face with Squarespace. Yes.

Continue. Have you had a buttery Keith? Hey, welcome back, podcats. That was Bob Mortimer and Paul Whitehouse, as if you didn't realise. Chatting with me there last month at 2 North Down in London. People that run the venue there have been kind enough to let me record a few podcasts there, some of which haven't aired yet, and I'm really grateful to them. Thank you very much. I've posted a link to their website in the description of this podcast so that you can have a look and

see what kind of shows they've got coming up it's really a fantastic intimate venue to see cool interesting weird up and coming and also very established comedians trying out new material and fooling around i highly recommend it i have also posted in the description of this podcast a link to that footage of bowie on the tour bus in 2004 doing an impression of brilliant guy from the far show. And I've also posted a link to the Audible page where you'll find the audio book of Mortimer and Whitehouse Gone Fishing, which I've just downloaded. Haven't listened to it yet. I'm looking forward to it. Over six hours of waffle from Paul and Bob. And as they said during our conversation,

I think a lot of it is just them chatting and making each other laugh. It's not just them reading out the book. So I'm looking forward to listening to that. Anyway, thanks to Bob and Paul. Rosie, come here. What the hell are you doing? Oh, she's been boinging around in the long grass, which is still wet.

Don't drink the puddle. I suppose you could. I wouldn't personally drink a puddle. It's that time of year, of course, when Rosie gets to enjoy boinging in the long grass and we get to enjoy removing the ticks when she's finished. But I think I will post a link in the description of this podcast to the video I did a couple of years back of Rosie jumping around, which is still very effective, I think, if you need some cheering up. It was at her most bouncy. She's never been quite so bouncy again. But I think there's quite a few videos that people post and put on YouTube of their dogs

bouncing in the long grass, but this was a good one. Another link that I will post in the description of this podcast is for tickets to a live recording of the podcast, which will take Thursday, the 12th of September, 2019, at 9.30pm at King's Place in London. And that is part of the London Podcast Festival. As yet, we haven't confirmed the guest, but it'll almost certainly be someone human and great. So I hope to see you there. I'll be doing other live shows later on in the year, more sort of book related though. I'm still working on my book and it's still looking as if it's going to take a little while longer. But towards the end of this year, mainly in October,

I'll be traveling around to various places, doing some shows, reading bits and pieces out as part of the process of finally getting it all finished. It seems hard to believe that I will ever actually finish this book, but it's got to happen at some point. Although, it was my birthday the other day, and my wife... Oh, I'm going to sneeze. No, it's gone. Oh, that is annoying. Phantom sneeze. That's no good. I almost want to tickle my nose now, just to get it out. Otherwise, I'll have that sneeze haunting my nasal passages i've got a blade of grass and i'm sticking it up there i think it's gonna work doggy yeah that did the trick oh what was i saying oh yes my wife for my birthday one of the uh lovely presents i got in addition to a bike light shaped like a gelatinous scrotum bike balls i don't know if

i'm ever going to use those i think my plan with the bike balls is to re-gift them. I tell you what, maybe I'll give them away at the London Podcast Festival to a lucky stranger or perhaps my guest. Anyway, in addition to the bike balls, my star present was a skydiving experience. And I'd just recently been writing as well about having a sort of a midlife crisis in various ways. And I wrote, I'm not having affairs with models or jumping out of planes. Anyway, now I guess I am going to be jumping out of a plane, albeit strapped to another person who knows what they're doing. And my eldest son is going to come along with me and be strapped to someone else.

And we're going to jump out of a plane, which is really nice because my wife, she's a bit of a worrier. And if it was up to her, I probably wouldn't be jumping out of a plane. But I've always liked the idea. That's one of my favorite parts of I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here. It's the first episode when they jump out.

I think, oh, mate, that looks good. I'd be up for that. So we'll see. But yes, you know, I suppose there's always a chance that you might just plummet into the ground and expire. And then the book wouldn't really be finished. But I feel as if there's enough there to put something out. I don't know. First world problems.

That's pretty much it for this week. Rosie! Come on, let's head back. Rosie! much it for this week rosie come on let's head back rosie totally ignoring me fair enough it's probably quite an exciting night after the monsoon she hasn't been getting many walks because of the rain uh but yes thank you very much indeed for listening. Hey, thanks to Seamus Murphy Mitchell, as ever, for his production support.

Thank you, Seamus. I appreciate it. Thanks as well to Matt Lamont for doing another great job helping me edit this podcast. Thanks to ACAST for hosting and supporting this podcast. And there will be no podcast next week because i'm doing bug in london and i've got to prepare for that um but the podcast will be back the week after so until then stay dry have great fun watching all the brilliant Tory leadership candidates doing their thing. Take care. And please bear in mind, I, well, I, I love you. Bye!

Oh, fly past. Bye. Thank you.