The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - 43

Hello. Bonsoir. Bonsoir. That's French for nice pussy. My name is Maurice. I'm a gay French clown. That Jerry Lewis movie plays a gay clown. That molests the children in Auschwitz.

To save them from the Holocaust. What a fucking idiot. You know what's so funny about that movie? It's like that's totally the movie that I would write if I had the undeserved career that Jerry Lewis had in the fuck. He just detached himself to Dean Martin and pretended to be retarded. That was his character. I have too many chromosomes.

I'm retarded yet. And then he tried to make a fucking Mel Brooks movie. Yeah, exactly. And they had to hide it from the world. It was more of a tightly kept secret than the Holocaust itself. Is that Jerry Lewis movie? What was it called? The laughter died.

Apparently it's unwatchable. The Library of Congress is releasing it. How dare he take the title of the best comedy album ever recorded? No, it's the day the laughter cried. Is it the day the laughter cried? Jake had a good one. By the way, Jake Flores in the cut. Jake Flores.

Which interestingly enough, one of the original original come boys. Yeah, what happened? A lot of people don't know this, but the original come boys was me, Jake Flores and Blake Midget. And then Adam and Stav got added on when I stopped wanting to go to Williamsburg to hang out. So we rewrote the reboot. They really missed out on this Patreon shit. Yeah, they don't let you. There's no new accounts allowed now.

No one else is allowed to sign up. And you know what? Honestly, if Blake converted the amount of money he makes in free cocaine from people to actual cash value, he's making like $87 million a month. Oh, but come on. Doesn't Blake fuck too? Is he back in Texas or is he in New York? No, he lives here.

His dog moved to Texas. His dog moved to Texas? Yeah, he did. What the fuck? His dog was living in Texas for like two years, and he's like, he's like, I'm finally getting my dog back, man. It's like, stop pretending like you give a shit about that dog. He's like deadbeat dad shit about it.

It was a dog. Who's got his dog? I don't know. Somebody took his dog. He's wearing a white beater. He's smoking a spliff. He's like, one of these days when we get to see my dog again. I love that dog.

I used to go over to his apartment and the dog would just be eating its own shit in the corner. And he'd be like, yo, Sarah, you know. Yo, Sarah, stop it. I bought a DVD. I've been teaching it all these combat tactics. Well, Joe Stats used to have that dog training DVD. You remember that? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, he would show people. All those guys thought. Yeah, Joe would offer to like break people's dogs for them. What a fucking psychopath. Yeah, yeah. We'd be like sitting out on the porch smoking cigarettes. This dog would like lick someone's beer.

He'd be like, hold on. Watch this and just choke slam it. Like, what the fuck? No, no, no. You're supposed to do that. How they know that you're dominant. Yeah, you kill your dog. It's going to know that you beat it and fight.

Hold on. This is what you do. It takes out a gun and just shoots the dog in the thigh. That's how you do it. You have to put a little bit of your commoner food so she knows you're sent. That's how you become a dominant alpha. Yeah. That's what we've been doing to Adam.

Yeah, I learned how to train dogs from the movie Red Dragon. I was tattooing himself in his office and shit. Yeah, remember that? There was that day where he had me remove his stitches. Yeah. We didn't want to go back to the hospital. What are you talking about? My old room.

We both lived in them. Yeah, so you guys go back to Austin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For the listeners, Jake and Nick are Austin boys. Yeah, so, yeah, like Joe didn't want to go back to the hospital and have his stitches taken out. So he just had me do it in the fuck in his office. Why you of all people? Because he was trustworthy.

I was his roommate. Yeah, actually, kind of. He was just walking around. Wait, 23-year-old drunk as hell you was the most responsible one? I don't think I could let me do it drunk, but yeah. I think you were drunk. You're probably dressed like Joseph Mengele or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You look like you have the most magic experience. I did. I think there was a picture. I wore like a painter's mask and then I made like one of those doctor's things for your head with like the reflection. Oh yeah, what was that? I think it's a reflect light because they didn't have lights. They didn't have like a headlamp?

No, they didn't. Actually, if you spin it, it's for mind control. Yeah. Isn't that what the guy did and the doctor and the phantom toll booth? I don't know. Is that a book? It's a book that was also a movie. Oh yeah, the doldrums are in it.

Yeah, something. So there's a dog that's got a clock in his stomach. There's a boy. It's kind of like kind of like a little prince. It's about Milo Yanoff. It's about Milo Yanoff. Yeah, it's what's going on in his head. Did you hear he came out and was like, I think it's actually perfectly normal and not pedophilia

to have a relationship between an older man and a 13-year-old boy. What? Yeah, he's like, especially in the homosexual community. What? There are very important, beautiful relationships that could be founded that, yes, do board on sexual. Yeah. What the fuck, really?

Yeah, he was like, first of all. Sounds hot. Pedophilia. Look, this plant's getting a stick hard. Yeah. Pedophilia is defined as... Those marshmallows? Is that where marshmallows come from?

It's a bunch of... This is hilarious. Usually Adam's the one who's distracted by... I don't know. He's doing this incredibly inaccurate Milo impression. I got a Milo. Sounds like C-3PO. That's pretty cool.

Yeah. Hold on. Is he into fucking boys? We're kind of bearing a leaf. Is that pedophilia? Yeah, it's C-3PO called C-3 Year Olds. He beat me too. I was going to say C-3PO.

That's a good one, Tim. I was going to go suck three year olds. No, those are all good. Those are all good options. Anyway, his argument is that pedophilia is actually attraction to a child that doesn't have sexual function. So at 13, once you have sexual function, that's not actually... So it's a fibophilia.

Is that what it's called? Yeah. There's like... Making fun of people who know the distinction between a fibophilia and pedophilia is like a big joke online, but you would... You have to know the difference to make the joke. Right, right. Yeah.

What is it? A FIBA? Yeah, it's actually technically referred to as Saturday Night Fever. Yeah. That's what Travolta is. He's got a real bad case. Yeah, yeah. He just tries to jack off those massages there.

Yeah. That's when you can only fuck kids when it's not a school night. That's what a fibophilia is. I'm fucking kids over here. Yeah. No, a fibophilia is like what would be considered normal up until like 1920. Which is to fuck teens. Which is, yeah, you're like a 30-year-old man that's marrying a 14-year-old girl.

Oh, nice. Yeah. Well, that's normal. Yeah. Dude, that's the prime. Jerry Lee Lewis did it. He married his 14-year-old cousin. Cousin.

Yeah. Is he... Great Balls of Fire. No, he's the same guy as Jerry Lewis. Yeah. He did funny faces. Yeah. Everyone used to fuck children, dude.

Back in the day, like, the hottest woman was just like the young... The first one to get tits, I guess. Yeah, dude. Kings would just fuck. What we talked about in the other episode is Julie Garland being molested by those munchkins. Yeah. You know? There's nothing wrong with that in 1939.

Would you like to be jerked off by a midget, Jake? Uh... So you're saying if I do this, I get my dog back? Yeah. And the best part is when you tell them, I don't know where your dog is. My argument is that it would probably make your dick look big as hell. Yeah. You know, because it got little hands.

Yeah. Yeah. But, I mean, if you don't have a small dick, then what's the benefit of that? Just that for everyone, you know, everyone's probably here's got a nice-sized dick that we don't have to dwell on and ask specifics, but... People always say that. Like, oh, it makes my dick look huge. It makes your dick look like it's fucking a child.

It's a small hand on a dick. Yeah. Thank you, Jake. Thank you for... But just imagine it's a regular person's hand and your dick is the size of like a baseball bat. Wouldn't that be cool? I don't know. Then you're just a giant person fucking a regular human.

Yeah, why wouldn't you just... It's also pretty weird. Why wouldn't you just skip the hands and stick your dick next to their dick? Now we're talking. If you're worried about the size of your dick, why don't you just pair up with a guy with a really small dick? Now I think we're actually onto something. Now I think we're actually onto something.

Is that a fetish in the gay community? Like, a guy with a huge dick? Here's the answer to your question, and this is outside of the context of this. If the question is, is that a fetish in the gay community? The answer is almost always yes. Probably, you think they rub dicks? One guy with a big ass dick rubs his dick against the little guy? Yeah, it's called frotting.

No, frotting isn't... Oh, I guess that is frotting. What is it called when you just rub up against people on the train? That's Japanese... That's called politeness. That's called a New York minute. It's called show time. What if those kids pulled their dicks out midway through and they're just upside down

beating off? They catch the hat on it and shit. There was this fucking video that was going around like a year and a half ago that was like, the NYPD is trying to crack down on this, and it was a video of show time. And all these people that don't live in New York were like, this is so fucked up, this is racist or whatever, and it's like, yeah, you don't live here, it's super fucking annoying. I got kicked by a show time. It's fucking demand money to all do the same dance, which isn't even dancing, it's just

pull-ups. So you can do pull-ups? Are you just mad they're stronger than you? No, I can do pull-ups. They're stronger than you? I'm stronger than you. Is that why you're mad? No, I'm not.

Is that why you're interjecting and ruining it? You need to be on my side here against the show time people. I like the show time. Anyhow, if you don't fucking live here, you don't get to comment on it. I don't know. It's kind of cool. It's annoying as fuck, but there's still a small part of me that looks at it and it's like, wow.

Good for those kids. They're pretty cool. Keeping them off the streets. They like dancing. I guarantee you you could do that shit if you thought dancing was cool. I guarantee you. Dancing. That's where dancing goes to.

Dancing is cool. You don't think dancing is cool? You would spend... The yard is cool. Those guys have to spend $900 a month for those lessons. Holy shit. Why doesn't someone monetize showtime? You know how noxious that would be?

Oh yeah, like the showtime. There's some Williamsburg guy that like fucking turned showtime classic. He like got old subway cars and installed them in old black churches all around Bed-Stuy. He bought out the churches from under them, kicked everyone out. This is a very New York regional subject we're talking about right now. Yeah, they just started a restaurant called Showtime Pizza where the robots do it for you. That would be awesome.

That would be awesome. Problem solved, you know? Yeah. Yeah, I don't get it because there are three elements of the showtime to me. One is the pole work. The second is like the stationary break dancing. Yes. And then the third is like doing hat flipping tricks.

Yeah, and shoes sometimes. Is it shoes also? It'd be great if there was a guy that could make his pants fall down but then come back up or that kind of thing. Whoa, that would be incredible. The slide whistle. Yeah, slide whistle. That would empty out my room.

It's describing a clown. Yeah. And then maybe they'd all get in like a one car, a little ass car, but eight of them would go in and you'd be like, how'd they do that? He gives you a balloon and then he leaves. My train on the G in the mornings on the way to work, there's a Bonda guys. They're like three Mexican dudes. G for gay?

Yeah. There you go. There you go. Yes. Yes. I'm on board with that. I agree with her. You live off the G, too.

No, I don't, dude. In fact, I take Ubers everywhere. So you don't have to ride the G? Yeah. That's not a scary train. That's how impervious I am to being called gay because I've never stepped foot on that train. Impervious to being called gay?

That's your superpower, isn't it? He's gotten imperviousness to being called a homosexual. I ride the A train for, uh, has sex with girls. I have to take the... Excuse me. I don't think the L to the G to the Q to the B to the T to get to work. Yeah. My soap dicks at work.

Yeah. I ride the F to the A to the G pretty much. Yeah. I ride the T to the I to the T to the T to the I to the E to the S train. Okay. There's no T. Yeah. I just ride twice, get off and then get back on.

I'd get on those trains. I have to ride the 9 to 11 train. This is like the worst battle rap. Yeah. Yeah. This is the cipher dude. You're in the circle now. Yeah.

We move quick around here. This is how hip hop started. I was taking the train to Times Square on Christmas Eve to go to fucking Red Lobster. Hell, yes. Yes, dude. Hell, motherfucker. I love everything about what you just said. We lost her.

Remember when we did that video with Cubis where we had to eat all those shrimp? Yeah. Wait, which one? We got three of those. Yeah. There was like, there's a guy in Austin that makes videos and he's like, we're going to take Chris Cubis to Red Lobster and see how many shrimp he can eat as like a video. And so we sat there.

We did it. It came out okay. It came out okay. So Chris finishes eating and he eats like 112 or 120 shrimp or something. And then fucking at the end of it, like the waiter's like, oh, are you doing like the challenge? See how many you can eat? And he was like, yeah.

He's like, yeah, we had like a 12 year old that did like 402 days ago and Chris's numbers were just atrocious. Wow. That's Texas for you. Yeah. Remember like all the shit we did four years ago or eight years ago or whatever that now, like now in this post-Trump world, we're all like, okay, everything I'm doing is a benefit for, you know, the cause and shit is so embarrassing and embarrassing.

Everything I do now is a benefit for the cause. It's podcast is a benefit. We don't see a dime. All the money goes to some woman with huge breasts that are filled with cancer. I usually say candy. We found the woman with the biggest tits who has breast cancer. Because those are the most important ones to say. It's tragic.

Yeah. She's from Syria. Save the titties. I only started caring about cancer when titties got involved. Yeah. Well, it was funny. There was like pushback against that kind of like branding of breast cancer research and, you know, they're like, you don't need to sexualize women in like fighting cancer.

And it's like, oh, okay, I'll just keep my $20 in you can either have me on board on my terms. It's for this fucking money, bitch. Yeah. That is a good point. You're trying to raise money. You shouldn't really nitpick. It is weird though.

Don't fucking nitpick. Don't shave titties. It's like my grandmother died. Yeah, it's dumb. But like the pushback against that is money fucking talks, dude. That's not what the pushback is. Yes, it is. No, it's not.

Yes, it is. You fucking idiot. No, the pushback is that Susan G. Coman like copyrighted for the cause or for the cure. You're talking about a completely separate issue. Yeah, that's a different pushback. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, that's true. And the money sucks my dick.

Don't they only do like seven, like eight percent or whatever? And they don't take before pictures. Yeah. That's a big complaint about Susan G. Coman. You see all this like pink stuff and you think that they're, you know, taking a bunch of before pictures of the breasts and that's why you donate to them. Not a chance. But they're not.

Most of that money goes to women who have small breasts instead of the ones who just don't. Fuck. Yeah, you were you were going to Red Lobster on Christmas. Oh, I got a good burn on those kids. They started dancing and everyone was like not having this Christmas Eve. So it was like, hey, it's not showtime. It's Christmas time.

You fucking orphans that don't have family. Right. They yell at a kid for like a second. Homeless queer youth. Stupid as it ain't showtime. It's blowtime. Yeah. Make them blow you.

Drop the sports. Peter Pan lost boys. Yeah. What did you? Yeah. I didn't take it out for your Cinderella. What did you? What did you have at Red Lobster for Christmas?

Well, a bunch of bullshit. Like I don't really remember. Yeah. It's all pretty much. I got it. I mean, you can't just get the cheesy biscuits. They kind of won't let you. But I think I got some lobster.

I mean, it was garbage. It was like $25 an entree for like, you know, a fucking just above fast food meal. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Remember that night, Juliana Fry was all drunk and she was like, does anyone want water burger? I'm going to get honey.

I'm going to get honey. And she spent like $78. Jesus Christ. I'm drunk. I'm going to do a water burger run real quick. Yeah. That wasn't that. Yeah.

When she worked at like a diner. So that was like her paycheck for the whole week. $2. Is water burger good? I've never had it. It's okay. It's Texas. It's just McDonald's.

Yeah. It's better than McDonald's. It's good, but the fucking hype about it is the same as the local fast food in any place, which is drunk people who like don't like sports. So they have that instead. Right. Right. Right.

It's fucking way better than that shit. They have in Tucson or whatever. Right. Yeah. Water burger is on par with Wendy's. I'd say. Okay. Okay.

Wendy's is good. You know what's funny is the experience of going to get fast food in New York City, fast food in New York City is a homeless shelter. Yeah. It's not a fast, it's not a restaurant. Yeah. I went to the Boston market. Where?

In Chelsea. Yeah. In Chelsea. Yeah. Holy shit. Really? I was a kid growing up. I didn't have Boston markets.

It was like too nice. Yeah. It was like what like rich people. Rogers roasters family. We don't go to Boston market. Yeah. No, I went in and I just said they'll fucking leave. I couldn't even buy like bear ordering anything.

There was a McDonald's in Hell's Kitchen where two like, I guess there's like a methadone clinic right by there. That's the one. No, that's the Penn Station McDonald's. The one where the junkies murdered each other. Jesus Christ. There was that guy, that journalist that like lived there for six weeks. Yeah.

Yeah. In the McDonald's? It's right next to a methadone clinic. Yeah. And there's like murders and shit that happened. Jesus Christ. So she just shut down that whole McDonald's. Didn't you, didn't you have some kind of story about a gay McDonald's and.

Yeah. You see on the DuPont Circle. Yeah. What happened? Nick was blackout. So me and Nick and Jamel, we were all drinking beers all night. It was like 2, 3 a.m. We went to the gay McDonald's.

And we got there. We were like stoned as fuck drunk. And it's just like all the gay clubs just let out. And it was after hours at McDonald's. And Nick walked in on a guy sucking. Another guy off. Really? In the bathroom?

Yeah. And then he came out. And he's like, dude, I could pee there because there's a guy sucking. I got scared. He's like, hey guys, spooked you? This was white, literally. You see this man getting his penis sucked. I'm jealous.

Did you go check it out? And I was like, yeah, we should yelp that, dude. We should definitely yelp that. Did you go in and look after him? No, I mean, I wanted to make sure that everything was okay in there. I mean, I'm sure I've told this story on the pie guys before, but in terms of hilarious getting your dick sucked in public restroom stories. In the high school I went to after I graduated, some girl was getting gang banged.

In the public, in the school bathroom. And some kid was taking a piss. And nothing to do with the gang bang. And he heard what was going on as soon as he pissed. He just went in and got his dick sucked. He was just on a break where he just had to piss from algebra class. And he's like, all right, fuck it. And he just hopped into the gang bang.

That's hilarious. One day, me and my friend Brad, who I went to high school with, was Mormon. We went to see the movie ahead of state with Chris Rock after school. And there was this guy sitting in the row in front of us. And he was just going on. And then the N word. And he's like, oh, and he kept saying it. Oh, N word.

Oh, N word. And then my friend Brad was like, looking really confused. And we were like giggling. We didn't know what was going on. And then all of a sudden, like a woman's head comes out of his crotch. And he was just getting his dick sucked. Getting head of state. Exactly.

I remember I was in, I forget what movie I went to see. But during the trailer, you know how they have those like two captain's chairs for like handicapped people? Yeah, hell yeah. So I was in one of them with my friend. And then in the other, the other one like halfway on the other side of the seat are this like butch dyke sits down like flannel. And there was trailers for movies going on.

And the trailer for, she's like already talking. She's like brown bagging something too. So she's fucking trashed. And the trailer for Kung Pao Enter the Fist comes on. Oh yeah. And this fucking lesbian is laughing her ass off. Oh yeah. Like, ah, ah, ah, you see that motherfucking cow?

He's like, ah, ah. And they just almost immediately and Usher's like, you got to fucking go. And she got kicked out during the trailer. She got tossed during trailers? During trailers. We're fucking making too much noise during the Kung Pao Enter the Fist. That's impressive. I've never seen Usher actually do anything.

Yeah. No, that's the only time I've ever seen anyone get kicked out of the theater. But they were like, you know, it was like Max Cady and fucking, you know, Cape Fear. Yeah. Smoking a cigar. Yeah. Just laughing at Kung Pao. You know what's cool about business expenses is because I said just that I can expense

buying that movie. Just buying Cape Fear. Yeah. Oh, they're going to say Kung Pao. No, I mentioned every movie. I can buy that one too. I mentioned every movie I buy just so it's technically a business expense. That do the same thing.

Yeah. Like we said the sound of music. So I bought the sound of music. Yeah. What else though? Oh, yeah. Predator. I mentioned that one.

I want to buy that one. Yeah. What are some good flicks I need to see boys? Yeah. I need to do research to figure out what it feels like to get a haircut. So now that's a business expense. Yeah. I need to get a $10 blow job.

Yeah. Adam, you can write off. Yeah. Yeah. Adam literally got jerked off by a fucking. It's crazy. My first tier operator. Yeah.

I've made the case before, but it's pretty fucked up that you can't write off illegal expenses. Like drugs. Yeah. You can't write off cocaine even if you do a bunch of cocaine. We've got rework. Yeah. We do for work.

We do for work a couple times. It's fucking absolutely insane that you can't write it off as a business expense. If they can catch Al Capone for, if illegal income is taxable, then fucking illegal expenditures should be taxable or tax-negatable. That only makes sense. It does make sense. Yeah. In charge of the law offices, the tax department, the legal.

You could probably, you literally probably could. Yeah. You could probably sneak your way into fucking. I could fucking make that case. It was the IRS that took down Capone. Yeah, it was, dude. They had to fucking get him because he didn't keep books on all those fucking illegal incomes. Is that really what it was?

Yeah. He didn't launder his money properly. We should watch the untouchables. Taxilations. Yeah. Well, they had to get him on something because they couldn't get evidence on anything else. You know, and they can't rely on local police departments because he fucking owned everything

in Chicago. Right. The G-men got him that way. Yeah. My man had syphilis. Yeah. I'd be talking about wanting to watch the untouchables again. Me and Adam are watching the untouchables after this.

I've been on a Brian DePalma campaign. By the way, the Untouchables is also the name of Stov's dick and balls. No it isn't. Yeah, that's it. Take it back. The Unseeables by Stov. That's their name. They can't seeables.

They can't fucking seeables. They can't findables. This is so funny when a fucking dude's caller, you know, he's like, I don't know. Dude's caller, their girl, the n-word, like, such a master. Yeah, that guy getting his dick sucked and dropping n-bombs is hilarious. He sure wasn't a man sucking his dick. I had this roommate who like, I live in like a fucking dumb, like, long house. The best part of that story is that she was a Chinese guy in the story.

Oh, Nico. Chinese guy getting sucked off by Dominican women. But there's no black people involved whatsoever. Yeah, I live in like a fucking apartment with really, you know, thin walls and just hear everyone. Yeah. The guy that lived in the room next to me used to just get home like blackout drunk in the middle of the night and like, you know, just trying to sleep and he'd just be up like

having these, he was a wigger from like Shelter Out, like a super rich, weird, like Justin Bieber, a bowler hat guy. Okay, okay. And he would just be like having these intense conversations where he's just calling his girlfriend the n-word like all night, well, but like not like aggressively, like as a slur, it was like he's talking to her like it sounded like the like the skit from like a rap album. They'll just all fucking right. And then to cap it all off, he would get into a fit of rage and play the saxophone.

This was a noxious fucking roommate. That guy sounds fake as shit. Do you remember? There was a guy, there was, remember that guy, that gay guy that came, moved into sandstone that had that beard that he's like, this is my girlfriend, Brett. Oh my God. Yeah. Brett.

Yeah. Like a woman's name was Brett. It was a woman named Brett, but it was clearly a beard. But he lived, he lived right above the office and we would just hear him fucking all the time. And I remember it was like, Joe was like, well, I guess he's not gay, dude, he's fucking that girl pretty hard. And it's like, no, he has to fuck her that hard to come if he's pretending, of course.

He was getting pegged. Yeah. That's why he was just, oh yes. Use the extra large one. He's just got a wall of different, you remember, gauges and gildos. It's a band of weird drill bits. She puts a sock and bopper in his ass and it blows it up. One time when I was living in Bushwick at John F. O'Donnell's place.

This is a fake story. It's about to tell by the way. No, there's three of us. Fake news, bitch. No. Me, Jake and Nick were playing Katon and I had the piece of shit. Go ahead. Go ahead, Adam.

Oh, fuck. Tell your story. Nick is a piece of shit. No. Oh, wait, wait, wait. I remember that. I played Katon. It's not fake news.

I was there. Yeah. We had that. Suckler. His roommate, they used to cheat on his girlfriend, but most of the cheating included tickling girls. Yeah. Yeah.

So it was like playing Katon in the living room and there would just be these shrieks of laughter coming out of the room and it turned out, yeah, like he cheated. I guess the girl came out like his girlfriend came over three nights a week and the other four nights a week. He had a different girl over. I mean, he's very professional about cheating. Was he sexy? He's like a pretty big, big dude, big, big, muscular, muscular black man.

Yeah. And he filled Adam out, you know, he was tickling bitches. That shit was, well, it's like, if you think about it, like the control of like, of an orgasm, what, that last like five seconds. That just reminds me. Have you ever seen that, that bullshit Josh Hardnet movie, uh, 40 days and 49 40 days and 40 days and where he blows that feather across that bitch's stomach and she like comes from the feather.

Yeah. And it's like, shut the fuck up. Yeah. Dude, I used to be in love with that girl. You know how fucking hard it is for most women to come and this bitch comes from a feather? She was probably molested and then I know that's like a weird way to go with that, but I feel like those, those people come early. She was molested by a poultry farmer, as it happened.

Right. So any, any kind of feather. She was molested by that, uh, bird woman at Chuck E. Cheese. Chuck E. Cheese's girlfriend, whoever was in that costume and how many like sex scenes and movies from like the past before, I don't know, just like, I guess before porn was prevalent enough. Yeah. A lot of shit seems like it was written by people that have never had sex.

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I love all the Michael Douglas sex scenes are always him just like about to bite or be bitten by some fucking anorexic woman. They're always like, just sucking air to their teeth at each other. Ah, you know, like we're throwing their hair around and it's like, what the fuck are you doing? Nobody fucks like that.

About to see more. Always you have to clear off every surface in your apartment. Yeah. Who's gonna clean that up? I used to think that was just a prerequisite to fucking throw everything off your desk. Yeah. Cleaning out a desk. Make tables, kitchen.

Yeah. Yeah. When I was a little kid, I used to dream about passionately making out with a woman and clearing out a tabletop. Yeah. She's always, she's like grabbing your necktie, doing weird shit with your necktie. Kissing your shirt so it leaves a mark on your shirt. That shit was fucking dumb.

Does anybody have good fuck scenes? Who's got a nice fuck scene? The scene in the... Oh, pornography. Where Chloe Savini sucks that guy's dick. That was so awesome. That's so funny that you mentioned that. I literally was thinking about the last one we recorded.

Yeah. It's like, how, God bless that man, dude. For just like, getting his dick. What's his name? Brown Bunny. What was the fucking guy's name? Vincent Gallo. Yeah.

Vincent Gallo. Yeah. He just like, yeah. I think I actually, my carrier has to get his dick sucked in. Yeah. Okay. Cool. It was like, yeah, but it's going to have to be on camera.

My dick has to literally get sucked in. Apparently they say it's a prosthetic that he used. What? Yeah. Because that dick was pretty huge in that movie. That's a good dick. I know what happens right after the blowjob in that movie. What?

He comes out. He comes out of his penis from the blowjob. You said right after. I'm answering the question. You find out that Chloe Sevignier was a ghost. That's a cool way to say it. Yeah. Chloe Sevignier.

Savine, Savine. Yeah. How do you say it? Chloe Savine. No. It's not. I said it right the first time. Now you've infected my brain with your weird.

Yeah. You've been saying things weird and gay all day. Yeah. I say things gay. That's just how I am. Anyway, she's a ghost. He finds out she's a ghost and then the movie ends. I literally beat off to that because I thought it was cool.

The ground bunny fucks you. I thought that she was literally sucking dick and it was cool that an actress was sucking dick. It's kind of weird that she was sucking a fake dick. Well, someone asked Vincent Gallo about it and he got super mad. It was like a rumor and then they asked him about it and he got furious. So now because he got mad, everyone's like, oh yeah, I guess it wasn't true. He got mad because they thought it wasn't his dick wasn't big enough.

His real dick wasn't big enough. I guess, well, I guess he's sort of by getting mad, it was like a tell that it maybe wasn't actually his dick. But that guy's got a stupid voice. Have you ever heard him speak before? No, I literally... He sounds like him, oh Phillips. Yeah.

He sounds like shit. Really? The only part of his movie... I don't know. He talks like wheels. Now he talks like this. Really? Yeah.

Literally the only part of his acting I've ever seen is him getting his dick sucked. Really? Yeah. It's really annoying. It sounds like you're doing an Adam impression. No, shut up dude. I'm not even from New York. Whoa, he talks like that?

That's really gay. That's how he talks? Like this? Oh my god. That's terrible. That's an amazing impression of both you and him. I don't know how you do that so well. Wait, anyway, do you have anything else to talk about Adam?

No, that's... Are you gonna just do that voice the whole time? Just talking your normal voice, man. Oh man, he's really method on this impression of Vincent Friedland. Yeah, anyway, I definitely did beat off to that. Chloe Savini, what's up? I'd fuck. I just...

Don't you mean Chloe Sauvignon? Sauvignon. Sauvignon. Sauvignon. Sauvignon. Sauvignon. Sauvignon. Sauvignon.

Sauvignon. Sauvignon. Sauvignon. Sauvignon. Sauvignon. Sauvignon. Sauvignon. Sauvignon.

Sauvignon. Sauvignon. Sauvignon. Sauvignon. Sauvignon. Sauvignon. Sauvignon. Sauvignon.

Sauvignon. Sauvignon. Sauvignon. Sauvignon. Sauvignon. Sauvignon. Sauvignon. Sauvignon.

Sauvignon. Sauvignon. Sauvignon, Sauvignon. Sauvignon. Sauvignon. Sauvignon. Sauvignon. Sauvignon.

Sauvignon. Sauvignon. Sauvignon. Sauvignon. Sauvignon. Sauvignon. You're watching all those like Bam Margera post-jackass shows. Yeah, we put a fucking alligator in April's bed.

Now he's just gonna shit her fucking pussy off. A bear's gonna rape my mother. We took a shit in Dom Vito's fucking mouth while he was asleep. Wait, Dom Vito raped kids? Were you three Dom Vito or RIP? No, he's dead. He's dead and he was a pedophile. Bam fucking pranks his fucking parents. Hey, this is Bam Margera. I'm 37 years old.

They all had tattoos of this thing called a heartogram. Yeah, it's from the Bam Hymn. He got rich when he was like 17, so he just has tattoos of that. I'm obsessed with this band and I threw pranks on my parents like taking a shit in April's mouth while she's asleep. I'm gonna fuck my mom. I'm gonna cover it in my turds in flour and we're gonna fucking throw them at my mom. It's a treasure trove of mid-Atlantic accent because they're all from Westchester. So they all talk like shit.

How did he get rich? They did CKY. Well, CKY and fucking Knoxville and Steve-O teamed up and that's what created Jackass. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. Knoxville wrote for, what was it? Was it Big Brother? No, really? Some magazine, some skateboard magazine. Oh, that's right. Spike Jonze was involved.

Trans World. No, it wasn't Trans World. No, it was another one. It was a different skateboard magazine, but he did a piece and then Steve-O was just a rodeo clown. I forget how he got ripped into it. Did you read that? Have you seen his special? Have you talked about his stand-up special? No, but I've heard from people that he approaches it the same way Mick Foley does, which is like, I'm not a comic, but these are venues where I can go around. Right, but the stand-up special, he'll do four minutes and then he'll just smash a full beer can over his head.

It's pranks, it's bits, and then in between it'll just staple his balls. Jackass is the funniest shit, dude. It's so good. Ben Margera's live show is, yeah, we're going to come in an envelope and I'm going to mail it to April. We're going to fucking mail it to April. The whole club is going to watch me. His boy died, dude, Ryan Dunn. Yeah, one of my favorite tweets after that was, it was somebody tweeted, hi, I'm Ryan Dunn and this is driving to a car and kill your friend.

Wasn't he tweeting about how he was fucked up and going to drive? I think his last tweet was literally like, well, and then all those jackass guys were like hurt that they're, I mean, yeah, you can be hurt, but like they got mad when people were making fun of it. Oh, yeah, there's like one of those roasts, somebody makes a joke. Schumer, it was Schumer. You zoom in on Stevo's face and he looks like a dog that they put down. What was the joke? It was like something like, something about him being dead also.

Something like that. Remember when Schumer was like, that was her thing? She was like real fucking mean and edgy. Yeah, roast. Yeah, she used to be inappropriate. Dude, and she would be fine right now if she just continued down that path and didn't fucking throw people under the bus and embraced the whole like shame, call triple shit. But it was so big now, that's part of her brand.

Yeah, she didn't have to be, it didn't fucking have to be fucking Tina Fey rejected that shit. Yeah. You know, plenty of people did. I think they tried to thrust it upon you if you're like a woman like that. Of course. And then you're like tempted to like fucking just be like, well, there's more pressure for women to do it than there is men to be like a fucking woke person, but they're gonna fucking come for you and they have for Amy. You know?

Yeah. But she's fine. She's fucking doing movies. Oh yeah, she'll be rich forever. We're gonna take a dump in Amy's car. Yeah, we're gonna make Amy Sadie and we're to April. And then we're gonna fucking send the tape to Leslie Jones. Hey, this is, this is Ben Margera 2017.

Did they like molest him or something? Why is he so mean to his parents? They seem like good parents. Because that's the shit that's funny to fucking 12 year olds. Yeah. And because when you're 12 years old and you're watching that show, you're like, bam, rules. He put a fucking half pipe in the house. Yeah, it is.

As an 11 year old, you're like, this is fucking awesome. Yeah. Yeah, but he's like a fucking 35 year old man. Yeah, right. Imagine what he's like not holding up really well. Oh, he looks horrible. Yeah. He's not fucking bloated.

Imagine you had a show in the premises, you live with your parents still. Yeah. And you're trying to show them how cool you are. Yeah. He's just going to end up looking, being as fat as fucking Phil. Right, yeah. I got to say slapping his fat father in the stomach. The first time you see that is fucking funny.

It's very, very funny. It's a good bit. I don't know. I just don't think it's funny to disrespect your parents. Same. You know, my, my children. You learn there's certain rules, you know, there's rooms you don't go into in the house. Right.

That's your father's Nazi memorabilia. That's what your uncle fucks kids. Yeah. He kind of should be mean to Don Vito. Yeah. He's the one he loved the most. That was the fucking child molester. But just the fattest goofy looking motherfucker.

Yeah, they had a good read on people. He needed one of those scooters to get around. I feel like they should reboot firing line with Bam Margera. What's firing line? It was like a public, you know, like, I guess not Charlie Rose, but like a panel show. Oh, okay. Like McLaughlin group. Oh, yeah, dude.

Yeah. He's the moderator. Yeah. But it was like the longest running one. Like the Dick Havett show. Uh, no, that's just a talk show. No. Isn't it?

Yeah. But he would have like the Dick Havett show. The Dick Havett show. You had to have a nice background. I liked it, Adam. Did you guys see that? Dick Havett's still alive. Is he alive?

Yeah. How about the trainee Griffiths show? Now we're talking. Yeah. Now we're getting somewhere. Uh, what were you going to say, Adam? Uh, I had a joke I wanted to do about, uh, Trans World Skateboard Magazine and Katelyn Jenner, but, you know.

Yeah, that's good, dude. That's good, man. I don't get it. What do you mean? Yeah, so I gave up. You know, like 30 minutes ago. It wouldn't make you. Oh, yeah.

Oh, fuck. What happened to skateboard? You see that video at Tony Hawker? He's like, I'm 49 years old and I'm going to land the 900 again. Oh, yeah. He's like 20 minutes of him smashing his fucking head against the ground. And he finally does it. And he's like, let's fucking go home.

Dude, what is this a fucking commercial for? 30 for 30 about Matt Hoffman. Oh, dude, that's just hilarious. His family's like, please. No, I watch it with my mom, actually. Yeah, yeah. It's hilarious. His old family's like, please don't, you don't need to jump this bicycle over this

ramp. You have a family to raise, you know, and he's like, I'm going to fucking do it. And then they have footage of it. He rides the bicycle up the ramp. Nice. And then he falls on the ground and cracks his skull open. Holy shit. He was in a coma for the next seven months.

Jesus Christ. He medically died like four times. Yeah. He's just dragging his family through hell. Yeah, yeah. Because he's like, yeah, I just got to get in order. Well, it was so funny. I remember watching that.

And it was right around the time that Dave Mira died. And it was like, it wasn't the other guy. Yeah. I didn't even know Dave Mira died. That bunch of those guys died. Yeah. I'm like, duh. You know?

Yeah. Did you know people growing up who were like trying to get sponsored? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Everybody I know. Everyone pretended they were sponsored. Yeah. You could land one kickflip.

You're like, yeah, I'm trying to get sponsored. I'm trying to get fucking sponsored by Volcom. I'm going to get sponsored for beating off by Volcom. When we were talking about reading Rainbow earlier, I was thinking about beating off Rainbow. Like, hold on. Beating off bow. That was it.

Beating off bow. Take a look at a porno book. Beating off bow. And it teaches kids about jacking off. That's pretty good. Yeah. Butterfly in this guy. I can come twice as I.

I never watched that shit, dude. Reading is gay. Yeah. Well, no. That's how I felt. Dude, I was like PBS. Pretty bullshit. That was kind of the premise of that show was reading is super gay.

Kids. Yeah. No, the kid, cool kid shows to watch were like, uh, Ren and Stimpy, uh, fucking Terminator. South Park. South Park. It was a movie. Yeah. porn.

Stern on E. Yeah. Hardcore pornography. Yeah. Racist pornography. Yeah. Two racist people fighting. Yeah.

Triumph of the will. Yeah. Birth of a nation. That was my favorite movie growing up. Birth of a nation. Rape at gunpoint. That was footage of soldiers in Iraq gang raping. A video of, uh, of, uh, those, uh, Chechens sticking a combat knife underneath a Russian

young Russian soldiers. Trachea sawing through it above a pile of rocks. That was my, I watched that more than Sesame Street. Yeah. See my cereal. The Nick Berg video. This is beheadings. Yeah.

My cartel execution. I had a special type of Apple Jackson on the back here to connect the dots and draw Muhammad. I got to tell you, nothing has gotten me quite as hard as drawing a really beautiful picture of Muhammad. Yeah. I was trying to do a fucking joke for like months last year and it's like funny in my head, but it just bombed every time I did it live about going to a police sketch artist

and just describing Muhammad. Yeah. It's funny, right? But I just frowns all around. I don't know if that's me or just audiences or I'm just an idiot. No, that's hilarious. No, it's the audience. It's always the audience.

The thing is, is like, even if you're the shittiest comedian in the world, you're probably still a better comedy audience member than the majority of like comedy audiences. So it's always the audience. Yeah. You know? It did seem, it seemed like one of those things where people were like, is this okay? Right. Which is just like ramping.

What I like, this is a big inconsistency I like to point out is, so people are flabbergasted that they could be offended that you could draw Muhammad like, well, how could you get offended? Yet here we're not allowed to draw swastikas in the library. They ask you to leave. They ask you to replace all those copies of the Sorcerer's Stone. And I said, I only drew it on seven pages and it's not even permanent marker. I only drew it on pages 14.

Yeah. I did it in gel pens. So you have to reimburse me for the ink for my gel pens, my milky pens. You have to do a flip book to even make it all come together, you know, I'm not gonna see that shit. I want all my fucking stickers back. All my Lisa Frank stickers that I drew out swastikas with in the copy of Sorcerer's Stone. I remember, this is why libraries suck, dude.

Yeah, I did. Yeah. It's 1984, man. I used to love that shit, dude. I would go there, play Carmen San Diego, play Oregon Trail. Yeah. The only reason? Yeah.

That's that poor kid shit, dude. Before we had video games, my mom would just take us there and shoot and then we'd go shop at the bullshit, like that fake grocery store where you got cereal and like, 40 pound bags. Yeah. This is fucking that. Great value. The great value store.

Got everything. Just kids in a trough. Just dog food. The meat was so bad, dude, at those grocery stores. The meat was just horrendous. It was so fucking... They were like dollar stores and shit, right? Huh?

They were talking about like dollar stores and shit. No, it was like a dollar store grocery store. No, it's the grocery stores where they don't have like the floors finished. Yeah. This is bare concrete. No, dude. Costco's nice. Yeah.

Well, that's like a membership in Costco because they save money and they also pay their employees real well. Yeah. Costco's a good company. That's why they can't afford the floors. No. Yeah. There's like grocery stores where half the shit is still in a cardboard box.

Yeah. You don't even bother and pack it. Yeah. There were no bags. The most depressing grocery store I've ever been in my entire life is at Myrtle and fucking... It's like Myrtle and Throop or Myrtle and like, you go up, there's a fucking awful smell. There's like a hum. Everything's like set up where you can only enter and exit one way, so there's...

Oh, I hate that shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ikea style? Yeah, sort of. But it feels like a prison. Yeah. Yeah. There's like barbed wire around the cat food.

Yeah. Yeah. Someone's got to keep those fucking cat moms out of there. Steal your toilet paper. The Bodega cats, dude. They come in and get a little fucking... Oh, the old Commando headbands. You've been to the White Castle on Myrtle?

Oh, yeah. I went there alone once. Is that closed? No, no, no. The one over by Legion Close, but this one down here is open. I was riding my bike home from some bar there at night or whatever, and I stopped there because I had... I was shit in blood for a while.

I had to go to the hospital. I had to go to the hospital. I had to die of reticulitis. I was just rampantly shitting cold for a month. What's diverticulitis? It's like these weird fissures that form and you're colonned, but like, people get after 40, but I'm fucking 30, and it's gone from like, PBR and shit, and they get infected and then you just shit blood.

It's really fucking gross. I got it all cleared up, kind of, but I didn't know what was happening, so I was just like, fucking having to run to the bathroom real bad a lot, and I was riding my bike from Flatbush, 45 minutes. So, I see White Castle in the middle of the night. It's like this bright glowing white building, and I'm almost kind of hungry, so I go in there and I'm like... So, you're shitting blood and you're like, I could get a little fucking White Castle

and we'll help this out. I don't know, but the deal is you have to buy something, and then I'll use the restroom. So, I order some food, and then I'm like, can I have the little fucking beep boop, you know, the fucking spy passcode for the bathroom to get in, and I open the bathroom, and it's like, have you ever seen train spotting in the worst toilet in Scotland, or is it just shit all over the walls and stuff? Dude, that happened to me. So, I went into the fucking bathroom in the McDonald's on Delancey, and you have to put

in a quarter. So, it's not even for customers. That's illegal. And I go in there, dude. Not only was there shit all over the toilet in the seat, which let's happen, it's New York, you know, there's going to be... There was blood. It's a good thing.

There was fucking... Somebody had cut themselves. I was there a half an hour before that. Yeah, yeah. There was fucking blood all over the seat and the floor, and it's like, get your fucking shit together, dude. God damn. Dude, this is why you're homeless.

If you can't even shit in the toilet, you know, like, I just need a job. No, you need to learn shitting first. The aim. Your asshole aim is to improve. You think you're going to be, what, like in an office, and people are just going to talk about, well, he used to be homeless, so, you know, they got him a haircut, and you know, he knows how to not steal from the register anymore. Yeah, it's like some uplifting Will Smith movie.

Yeah, right. To teach the guy a shit. The pursuit of happiness. The pursuit of... The pursuit of... Yeah, not shitting. The pursuit of crappiness. Yeah, right.

There we are. Yeah, there it is. So, did you shit in there, dude? No, so I couldn't. I just thought I couldn't bring myself to do it, so then I went back out, and then they gave me my food, so then I just sat there with this, like, disgusting White Castle food. I just couldn't stop thinking about the fucking horrific scene I just saw, like, trying to eat it while having to shit really bad and almost just want to throw up.

Horrible. I just fucking threw the food away and went home. Did you make it home? Did you shit your pants? Uh, I made it home. Nice. Yeah. Also, I saw this on the way home.

Yeah. I saw... I just... I was on a bike, so I got like... It was real cold, so I couldn't really stop. I just saw this. You ever seen Into the Mouth of Madness? No.

Yeah. Remember that weird scene with that guy on the bicycle? That's the same Neil movie, right? Uh-huh. Yeah. That weird fucking just passing in the night ghostly guy on a bicycle? Yeah, yeah. All right, so I passed...

That's such a weird movie, dude. It's like the movie where John Carpenter just went way too far with shitty special effects. Oh, I love it, man. It's like, what the fuck happened to you? Ridiculous. He made all the guitar solos himself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what happened, shit.

Well, he's a great, like, musician. Yeah. I mean, half of the fucking Carpenter movie is the score, and they're great, you know? I mean, Christine is fucking amazing for the... We just rewatched Christine the other night. Well, I liked Into the Mouth of Madness. I purchased it. Yeah, anyway, anyway.

So, I saw these two, like, Hasidic Jews, right? Yeah. And this is, like, middle of fucking nowhere, Brooklyn. Why do people specify Hasidic Jews? Well, because they had that ass in the room. Like, you're gonna be talking about Hasidic Coptic Christians. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hossies.

All right. I'm a Hasidic Muslim. Well, that's right. I shouldn't assume they could have been just dressed like that. What's the deal with saying the whole thing? Yeah. The Jerry Bits. Sorry, I'm not cutting off for any reason.

This is just how I, like, kill time on the show. Yeah, I know. It's by making someone else's story take 45 minutes. I read you loud and clear, man. Also, this does not really go anywhere. You also do that in real life, too. No, I don't. Not to everybody, just to you, dude.

It's part of your life. Don't treat me like Adam. Come on. Only for the purposes of show business. Show our guests the respect you don't show our good friends. To be a fake. To be a fake. To be the white man.

To be happy to blue eyes. To be happy to blue eyes. Just be Aryan. No one knows what it's like to be Aryan. No one knows what it's like. Why aren't there any, like, all right guys who are, like, beautiful ass Aryan motherfuckers? You know what's fucked up is those guys don't have any kind of guilt.

If you're, like, some beautiful, handsome, you know, Nordic, whatever, blue-eyed ass motherfuckers. Fuck, dude, I'm the worst one. They don't have that. They're like, yeah, we have to make a house out of Legos and, you know, eat raw fish. I don't know. Whatever the fuck they did.

I've been to Ikea three times in the last two weeks. What are these hot, what were these hot seeds doing, Jake? Oh, okay. So one of them's walking. The other one, like, they're both, like, six foot tall, full grown men. One of them's just up on the other guy's shoulders, like a toddler. And he's just got his arms out, like, Mechachiva style. And, like, I just fucking was like, I'm going too fast.

I can't turn around, like, ask them what this is. But it was, like, spooky as fuck. Wait, sorry. They were doing, like, piggyback rides? Yeah. But on top of the other one's shoulders. Like acrobats. Like a full...

Oh, yeah, yeah. That's like a dancing, that's like a thing. Oh, they're practicing their dancing? Yeah, yeah. Maybe they had to go to a button. It's called Hasidic Showtime. They go around looking for pennies. Yeah, yeah.

Do you know what about jihazis, like, fuck hookers and shit? Shnaz time? A bunch of them. Shnose time? Fuck trans hookers. Really? Yeah, that makes sense. It makes sense.

Why? Because if you repress your sexuality to that degree, that's, you have to, it just explodes. You're also... You know, it's like the veterans that come back and they pretend like they don't have PTSD and they just don't get it treated. And then eventually they fucking go on a killing spree to their family. They're also separated from women for, like, until they get married? So they definitely have, like, latent homosexuality.

So if they fuck hookers, you know... Do you think they suck each other off and shit? Yeah, we talked about this before. There's that documentary about gay Hasids. Nice. Sure about the guy that went rogue in New York a few years ago and they threw bleach in his face? No, what happened?

No, he tried to leave. Yeah, well, he started exposing, like, you know, these, like, crazy sex crimes and shit. All the molestation and shit. Damn. They threw fucking bleach in his face. Damn, is he alright? His eyebrows look amazing now. His mustache is completely hidden.

They bleach him and he's like, ah! And then he, like, looks up and he's like, a beautiful Aryan man. No, he's Milo. It's like Squidward ruined that episode of SpongeBob where they make him sexy as shit. My only exposure to SpongeBob is through black memes. Yeah, there's a meme with him. Black people love SpongeBob. It's crazy.

First of all, SpongeBob's great. They love Arthur and they love SpongeBob. I never got into it. You didn't? I thought you meant they love Dudley Moore, Arthur. I was like, what? Yeah, yeah. I don't know about this.

When you get lost between the moon and New York City. I've never seen that one. I know it's crazy. The best that you be do. The best that you be do. It's fall in love. Yeah, I've only seen the remake with Christopher Cross. Christopher Cross, hot take.

The greatest musician of all time. I agree, dude. I think he's up there. Yeah, dude, for sure. He's a fucking beast. Yeah, he's great, dude. I love just how what a fat piece of shit he is. I think the best musician will be.

He looks like a pig. He's wearing cotton pants and slippers. All those guys that make that ultra-romantic adult contemporary just look like Steve Bannon and shit. They look like cleaned up Blake. Yeah. That makes a lot of sense. Yeah.

Blake and 100% make these like that. Do you still see Blake? What's he up to? Yeah, I see him around a bit. He just works at that fucking bar. He's got a lifestyle that he just, you know, any of the normal human being would have had to have quit like 15 years ago. It's insane.

Like, I don't really, but the thing is like, what he's doing is it's all based on inertia. Like, because every once in a while I've seen him in like a moment where he's like, I got to clean up. I got to quit. Oh, he's been like that as long as I've ever known him. That's for like a day. And he's like visibly like shaking. He's just like vibrating and shit.

And he freaks out. And the next time you see him, he's like back to just partying and stuff. What's his lifestyle? The fetus hit. His lifestyle was in it being in a successful band like 25 years ago. What was the band? Slave 99. Slave 99.

Yeah. He was in Slave. He looks like he was in Slave. Well, it's Blake's original name was Dave Matthews. Blake was in Delamitry and after their success and downfall, he just continued part. We just both moved here around the same time and we're like, all right, comedy, right? And then he just got a job at like a party bar and just like did massive amounts of cocaine. He's a fat comedian.

Like it's just got bad news written all over it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can really do it. And I'm like to see him, I'm like, how's it going? He's like, great. And I'm like, well, really? Yeah, either internalizes all of it or he's just one of those people that doesn't like give a shit.

Yeah. I mean, sometimes they think like maybe I'm wrong. Yeah. Blake's never seemed like he's been depressed as long as I've known him. Yeah. He seems happy. Somebody lost his dog to, you know. When it moved.

Childcare. Yeah. Child protective services. Dog protective services. Canine protective services. Yeah. The funniest shit was when Nick told me you were at a bar with Blake and he was hitting on a girl and then some other dude.

Oh yeah. Some guy that like a nerdy version of Blake like cocked him. Some other, because Blake was talking to this girl for like two hours and then some other guy was like, my lady, my walk you to the train. And then she was like, okay. And then they just left and went and fucked. Blake's like, I don't like her anyway. She's like that other Homer Simpson that walks into Moe's.

Yeah. Yeah. With the top hat and the fucking. Oh man. Yeah. Well, RIP Blake. Yeah. Too bad he died.

Yeah. Yeah. What were we talking about before that? Christopher Cross. Christopher Cross. I was a story about Jewish shit. Yeah. Can I interject this?

Did I ever tell that story about the seeing the, the Hasidic fire department and laughing about? I think so. But say it again. We'll have it about the Hasidic fire department showing up to a fire like, not so much water Jacob. Maybe a little bit less perhaps it's expensive water, you know, he's got a garden hose. He's stepping on it.

He's stepping on it. Take it easy with all the water you're using here. Fuck this one. Yeah. What's your Jewish story? This my sister was engaged to a Jewish guy and he took me to, I can't remember which holiday it was one where they dance around with a Torah and Halloween. Halloween.

Yeah. It was a store with just a ghost on the front. Yeah. And he was like, hey, like under his breath, like come over here, you know, you're kind of like swarthy, like just like, yeah, just hold it and dance for a little bit of really funny, you know, and, uh, I'm not Jewish, I'm like half a Mexican and shit, you know, it was Mexican Jews. Yeah, but I'm not.

Yeah. Um, and the trick is, is if the name ends with a Z, that's how you know they're Mexican. Yeah. Actually, I looked that up. I might be like in the part Jew, like somewhere back there, but I'm not like a practicing. Yeah. You got a couple of Z's in there. A couple of Lopes.

A couple of Lopes. We're calling a sleep all the time. You know, yeah, that was going to say, this is why Mexicans love putting Z's in there. Uh, that's what I'm like talking about after it's like, oh, it was funny, that was kind of a goof, you know, like you think they would get mad, you know, and he's like, they'd get pretty mad. But if they, if they, but if a woman danced with this fucking thing, they would kill her like so unfair, it's like, why is there a slap on the wrist if I'm openly bashing your

religion here? That shit's awesome, dude. Yeah. Religion is tight, especially when they treat the way they treat women. Yeah. I saw, I saw a fucking, uh, like two acidic women on the train and one of them had her like, you know, pocket tour or whatever and she's reading it and she's like, you know, mouthing all of the words and like bobbing up and down to it.

And in my head, I just started like doing the like, lose yourself in the boat. That was a good laugh for me. Dude, I want to save one. I want to save a Hossie acidic one with her, her wig. I want to read one of the comments. She would never leave the church again. Huh? If you, if she, if that was...

Dude, I'm trying to dick her down good, dude, for the way of fucking, you know, secular life, dude. Yeah. I got this secular dick for that ass, dude. Well, what you should go do is hang out in like Lancaster, Pennsylvania and get all those Rumspringer tins. Rumspringer. Hell yeah, dude.

Girls gone Rumspringer. Now we're talking, dude, let's go. Let's go to fucking marketing. I love, I love going to Amish markets and making eye contact with the women. That is my favorite shit to do, just as long as, just hold the eye contact as long as you can, which is the type of sexual assault property, you know. It's definitely crossing a boundary, but you know, maybe I'm just grateful about how good their soft pretzels are.

Yeah. They do have great fried chicken. Oh, holy shit, dude. The food is amazing. Great fried chicken, great toffee. Which is weird because it's like, it makes me think like, you know, people talk about like how hard it must have been to live in the 1800s. It's like, it seems like the food was amazing.

But did you get it though? That's all you have in your life is fucking food. So they would make food that tasted really good. No, dude, they were like, make eating gruel and shit day to day. No, you know, actually in a. It's all pretzels. In the late 1800s, if you made it out of like, not accounting for like the mortality rate of children and like pregnant women or whatever.

Yeah. Women having children. If you take that out, people had the same like lifespans they do now. Really? You weren't a woman or were never a child. Yeah. Because because their diets were great because they ate nothing but like fucking beats. Right.

Right. You know, they, they, they got you. And like, yeah, it was like, and there's no fucking, you weren't getting cancer for yourself. Yeah. The best, the best thing for you for like longevity is like calorie restriction or anything. I don't know, man. I went to a Taco Bell in that part of the country one time and they asked me if I want ranch

dressing like my shitty tacos. That sounds pretty good, dude. It was disgusting. Well, cancer is anytime you eat anything, I mean, there's a chemical process happening in your body and you increase the risk for cell mutation and free radicals and anything that can cause cancer. So if you could perfect your body by doing nothing but cocaine all the time so you don't need food, you would live forever, you just be a cocaine vampire.

I think we discovered Blake's secret. Oh yeah. You have to invite him in. I subsist off pussy juice alone at this point. That's what I'm trying to get. An IV. Yeah. I have just an IV of pussy juice.

Yeah. An IV-A-G-I-N-A. Those were a wristband if you go to the hospital. Yeah. Yeah. Like a medical alert bracelet. I wanted to get one of those for the MIC Guido voice account just to have like, get a couple of them and you know, once they would say like diabetes and they would say high blood

pressure. I told you about this idea. Yeah. Because you were going to use my wrist. Yeah. I was going to use your fat fucking hand and wrist. Once it's diabetes, high pressure. I'm the official hands of the MIC Guido voice, by the way.

High pressure. And then one that just says marinara and then you take a picture of the hand holding like magnum condoms and it just says, old thing I use, baby. Yeah. With all the medical alert bracelets clearly visible. That's very good. That was the idea. We'll do it.

I don't know. I remember going to the place and seeing how much the medical alert bracelets cost. How much? Although I was broke at the time. There were a lot, dude. They weren't fucking cheap at all. What, like five bucks? No, they were more than that.

They were like 15, 20. What? Yeah. Just go to the hospital because you're shitting blood and then give a fake name. Yeah. And then you're going to say, I think I'm allergic to marinara. You put that on the medical alert bracelet. Yeah.

Dude, it's worth it. That's a write off, dude. Yeah, dude. Yeah. I only use magnums too. So I have a lot in common. Yeah. You can write off condoms if you're buying prostitutes.

What if you went to like the bunny ranch? Yeah. Yep. Yeah. Dude. If it's a business trip, yes. It's a business trip, boys. Yeah.

We got to go. Come town goes to come down. We got our meeting with the Japanese coming up. That's right. Yeah. You know how much they love coffee. Prime Minister, I wrote off $2 billion in sharking expenses. It's our big meeting with the Japanese.

Yeah. Oh, man. That'd be so funny. They're just three Japanese guys. It looks like you guys. Yeah. Well, Adam looks Japanese. Yeah.

The Bukake boys. Adam dresses like a Manhattan Japanese boy. Yeah. That's a compliment. Yeah. You go skull cap that's like perfectly rolled so it's in a circle around your head where there's no, you know, grating to the back of your head. And then they wear like triple XL shirts and then tight black jeans and they smoke cigarettes

like French models and fucking go in and out of the stores on St. Mark's. You know, a really weird thing is like no matter what university campus you're at in the United States, there's a crew of like high-beast Korean and Japanese kids smoking a thousand cigarettes outside the library. For some reason, they just send them over the United States and that's all. Remember that video that you see a girl like, there's too many freaking Asians in the library. Awesome. That's the best.

Yeah. That's my wife. I didn't mean that. Yeah. 25 minute long tirade. Yeah. I was doing, I was doing a satirical character based on someone that looks and sounds exactly like me.

You know those unhinged stream of consciousness, or ants can be really well played. Yeah. That you edit and then upload. First of all, nothing ever uploads to YouTube properly the first time. It takes nine or 10 tries to fucking get anything to upload. What about that girl that beat off in the library? Let's not forget all the great idols. Sunderland.

Yeah. What's her name? Something Sunderland. She had some juicy titerines. She's done it in Marquette. She's been on, she's been on Kumiya's show. Yeah. Oh, she has?

Yeah. Is she doing porn now? She was already doing porn when that happened. She's absolutely ledge. Absolutely. She's a massive ledge. Yeah. Definitely a ledge.

Yeah. Yeah. I also married that woman. I fucked your wife, bitch. God damn it. All right, folks, well, thanks for joining us. Remember to check out Jake's show. I don't know if it's, this is not going to air for like a month.

Oh man, Mike podcast me up by then. Yeah. Listen to Mr. Cleo. It's a fake psychic hotline where I'm drunk. Hell yeah, dude. Cool. Is it on iTunes or? Yeah, it's on iTunes.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah. As always. Funnymob's the fourth Monday of the month. They come on everybody. Yes, bitch. You can find us there.

Yep. Okay. All right. Thanks for joining us.