Transcript
Discussion (0)
whoop whoop whoop all right uh we're doing this this is we just stopped
recording the last episode so to you guys it's been you know maybe four or
five days but to us it's been 30 seconds so we're like a time cop yep you
know you ever see that movie jcvd you ever see that one JP no
I'm lacking on my my van dam catalog oh you know what's great about van dam's
movies is if you get them all as like div x rips like 720p div x rips they fit
and I don't know a lot about video codex but I know that like you know you go to
download shit it's usually like 700 megabyte file if you get that whatever
that compression is but van dam is so strong yeah it's actually less well
he's done exactly the amount of movies that in that compression they all fit
perfectly on a fucking a blu-ray I think or like one blu-ray one blu-ray or one
one of the one HD DVD or something I did the math a couple years ago but that
you could have every single you could have the van dam the van dam
theology on in any movies where he's not the star yes expendable yeah yeah
there's plenty of movies where he's not the star in fact his first role is just
some sort of background bad guy in no retreat no surrender three bloodhound
brothers or blood brothers bloodhound brothers was a pun I made about that
movie seven years ago no retreat no surrender three bloodhound brothers is
the complete title of that movie then the complete title of the movie is no
retreat no surrender three blood brothers okay but I said bloodhound
brothers one time is a pun gang yeah yeah no but time cop is one of the
greatest time cop is a legit good movie I also had the game for super NES yeah
what I love about time cop is it was made in I think 1993 or 1994 and so is
this distracting should I turn this off we're we should a introduce JP we should
it stops also here but yeah we got just big day to go make a mess out of the
kitchen you're messy-ass kitchen yeah my kitchen was fucking halfway clean you
need the what I mean I fucking get a cup of water can't use the same cup you use
the fucking hour ago you got bitch you had one you guys you came in I saw you
fucking rifling through the cabinets where's the where's the stubby fucking
fingers where's the terrible the knobs out of the cabinets find it there was no
cup god everything was fucking dirty cuz you're fucking ass is dirty you're
disrespecting your Vitamix you got fucking shit well all we need to do is
just see my chocolate on me because it sink was filled to shit cuz you come
over here use nine fucking cuffs your mind you're like what am I placing all
the time blaming on me bitch your filthy ass fucking apartment anyhow so
he he was time cop here's what time cups good turn it off though probably yeah
we got somebody mentioned I think I mentioned the sound of music on the
last one so I put it on the background my dear I thought you know be honest with
you I thought it would look better on this TV and really doesn't it looked
good opening like alpine shots look good yeah I'll watch this by myself and
then I'll have plenty to complain about later we'll watch it we'll watch it
together the boys yeah we're gonna watch that it would JP the plan was we're
gonna go to a drive-in movie theater and hold hands and our 57 Chevy Belair
and hold hands and we're gonna watch meet me in st. Louis and kiss in the
front seat which meet me in st. Louis it's about a there's a cop right is it
about Nellie yeah there's a cop you have to know where this one's going you
know it's another Judy Garland working the beat I picture you guys all in the
car just like taking off your varsity jackets and giving them to each other
yeah I was in full poodle skirt a pig lady now that would like I'm more of a
jock with it seen as it's a cop taps on the window and we roll it down and then
all simultaneously while wearing each other letterman jackets backwards like
Hank Scorpio we look at the cop and go nothing and that's what happens in
college we used to smoke weed in the bathrooms and nice we'd always oh yeah
dude we'd always I don't know you're cool holy shit this is that so cool is that
it was at a blow tube you call it a spoof yeah yeah yeah yeah dry she's weird
new england slang yeah yeah yeah dry she's paper a spoof in New England is
when you rig up a fucking pressure cooker that's what they call a spruce
actually one of our don't take all over his pressure cooker and fill the
gasoline we have old slurs from the 18th century that we use one of them so I
got a little thrown off did you have relatives in Salem which trials not
that we talk about a lot of shame yeah for the listener JP's old new
england are you really no family from Brooklyn yeah I'm actually cool I was
actually here before no you're not you guys your family's like RK fire type
type people yeah yeah first strokes album green point yeah I did like the
strokes in high school dude I still like I touch titties while listening to the
strokes and I never forget it I love the strokes money how about the time cop
it makes time yeah God forbid we talk about our guests I just want to make my
fucking point about time cop yeah the reason you have a guest on a show is in
case the conversation runs dry and then you throw it to them right yeah we're
like go to the world time cop well tell us about some like unspeakable things
you've done for our podcast for zero dollars where's Ian let's talk about him
but have you fucked any trannies I've not or trans get it just you know I mean
trans I meant to say have you ever fucked those those disgusting people I
don't think they're discussing I'm on record yeah pro I didn't mean to say
trannies which I definitely said and meant anyway time cop oh now you want
to talk about time cop I do all right yeah what makes time cop cool I think
it's from like 1994 and so the premises is a guy in 94 and then he uses they
make a time machine that goes to 2004 which is so funny that like they would
have a time machine and they'd only go you can wait 10 years you don't need a
time machine for 10-year spans you go back to you know help Hitler yeah right
well so in 1994 you know it's the 90s they got rid of the 80s mullet nobody
has a mullet anymore and then when they go forward to 2004 mullets back we're
going to have a great yeah he predicted that the mullet yeah yeah and then it's
just that it's a cyclical some movies do like a an okay job predicting the future
you know like back to the futures like that where it's like obviously you know
there's not you know floating cars but like the hoverboards are kind of like
segways that like certain sets and like all of Europe saw a time cop and they're
like well I guess we need to grow out some yeah like we want to be like a
time cop and he's historically a kid but yeah no time cop fucks it up
completely the one that's the best is minority report yeah minority report
you watch it and it looks like you came out of my computer's are gonna be like
minority report right they already like the fucking they already are that's what
a iPad is yeah yeah but it's like more like conducting like your conductor at
a symphony that's probably how you use an iPad yeah you're probably at home your
favorite ass wrist motions well pretty soon everyone's gonna have to do gay
risks that's true to be good at computers that's absolutely yeah see what
movie was oh yeah total recall wasn't bad about the future guys he got a lot of
stuff right you know total recalls a great movie I love that shit dude yeah I
should have put it on total recall we'll watch that instead of sound music I
just watched it maybe something else based on let's watch predator total
pre-com predator socks dude what predators a fucking shitty movie yeah
yeah yeah it also looks really bad I've never seen it I want to see it I was
really into it when I was eight really saw it so that's probably I know it's a
bad movie yeah that's a telltale sign of a bad movie as if a child likes it
there's a there's part where they're just shooting trees with a 50 cal machine
gun honestly that's still pretty cool yeah when he's got that when he's like
carrying around the minigun yeah it's supposed to be on a tank yeah I really
like that character whoever that is because he's strong like I am yeah I'm
very strong um anyway no that did John Claude Van Damme like I remember when I
was a kid there was something on the news about him fucking his wife in the
bathroom of like a McDonald's yeah well the problem is that he spanned the tops
of three stalls yeah he's doing the splits and dropping his dick into the
middle one in front of a bunch of families yet one leg up on the sink and
the other one on that koala changing station the baby changing station he was
blocking the entrance and his wife was sucking his dick there's a guy teaching
his son how to use the toilet and dick just dropped down like a spider
bad move bad move to use the bathroom while I'm trying to do the splits he's
got a sexy daughter JCVD yeah that's apparently that's like a comedy show
where it's kind of self-aware plays himself kind of no I'm tired of those
didn't didn't Joey he's like in a Louie yeah he's in the John Claude Van Damme
Louie have we talked about how bad the Rob Schneider I've seen yes yeah you
started talk you started talking about how shitty it was on Bobby Kelly's
podcast and Bobby was like yeah I'm friends with him and then you're like
oh I mean oh no I did not bet no I mean it's good it's good show I'm sorry Bobby
first of all I'm sitting right there I completely stood my ground here untangled
there's some weird Rob Schneider is like a anti-vaxxer tea party guy he's like
his daughter sings a song sings that one of the oh yeah she has a like big that
big hit but did you do that thing that was like listen I'm sure he's a great
guy yeah I did that he did that see you immediately fucking started
equivocating is his you fucking mad you got dirty ass dishes don't take it out
on me bitch you're the one that made the dishes dirty I have never dirty the
dish in your gas house once in my life God damn it no sorry there's like some
horrific noise that needs to it's ruining the show oh should we pause it
real quick no no let Adam untangle these was it would you think it did at the
last show no it's fine now just don't fucking touch it
all right anyway has it sound now don't take a picture the picture is gonna
fuck it's gonna make it worse oh also electrical interference from the fucking
camera shout out to our friend our friend Michael foodie you got married
yesterday Michael foodie yeah congrats to melon brandy finally legalized
autistic marriage got married to his computer congratulations to mr. and
mrs. minecraft foodie we're now engaged in I don't know I like Michael I don't
want to be mean he's just like yeah maybe you shouldn't be mean to people you
like as socially awkward or like less socially awkward than I am he's just
smarter than me because he's a smarter person I think anyone smarter than me
is autistic yeah right yeah it's not worse Stephen Hawking's autistic he got
a bed he's paralyzed from it yeah it went all the way down into his bones it's
seeped from his brains and into his bones he's such a big nerve that he's paralyzed
yeah it's a kind of a liquid autism is like a liquid if he's too much in yours
in your bloodstream it's like mojo and Austin powers mojo means on the
spectrum let me show you my train collection it's not gonna fucking work
was the mojo in all of them I think it was only Austin by the mojo well no I
mean in every every one of the officer running oh no I think it's only the one
yeah really spy who shagged me yeah the number number two no golden gold
gold member the premise of that one was that no yet number two is the spy that
shag me right yeah yeah and the premise of that one was the blonde lady yeah
little titties number three we see a zeneracial and Beyonce you know he bae
love yeah I you know I was mad that you know they made Beyonce part of the Hillary
Clinton campaign but they didn't make Austin powers also part
member was definitely part of Donald Trump's campaign yeah Donald Trump is
essentially gold man yeah well he's Dr. Evil dude how pissed do you think Jay-Z is
that his wife fucked Austin powers yeah gotta be really annoying well you know
she's so method that she had to fuck every cast member was full penetrative
yeah you know I the mini me was actually he made her life help by putting his
hands up and he thought he could get away with anything because he was so
small do you guys see the Verne Troyer sex tape no his little ass dick getting
sucked it's pretty funny there is this is Verne Troyer yeah yeah for him yeah
yeah you ever watched that fucking reality show the real life real life I
actually enjoyed that show dude it was a good show yeah I was Flavor Flav and his
giant wife mm-hmm I think they met there they met on there you're right you're
right her yeah yeah yeah Brigitte Brigitte she was still Vessels wife yeah
Bridget Nielsen I think it's Brigitte Leslie Nielsen proshoot Leslie yeah he
fucked Leslie yeah Eric Estrada was in it yeah mini me was in it yeah wasn't
there a hot woman also yeah I said that big-tip bitch something yeah yeah big
ass some these stuff shit Ron Jeremy was on it that's right there oh there was a
fucking oh Charo there's a black there's a really garland like playmate and
another who almost fucked who almost fucked yeah and Robin Robin Givens
Robin Winkle was on it too oh yeah yeah yeah that's hilarious listen let's not
say what everyone knows his actual name is uh Vani Vanira Vani Ra why when you
call him vanilla rice yeah yeah get one Vanira thanks nice vanilla nice Ron
Jeremy was on a show that I did it was like a it was like a live it's first
comes love it's like live porn so we're all just fucking around like we have the
scripts in our hands we're acting out these dumb porn scenes that were like
submitted by real porn writers mm-hmm and Ron Jeremy was like a special guest
completely off book like he took it so seriously he was like his lines and
really stage and then he just like acted this shit out of this scene really
the very end he nailed it yeah he didn't pull the hog out though he didn't no
that's gonna cost extra he wouldn't do it because of that reason I'm sure though
how much does how much does it cost to get Ron Jeremy to say don oh my I know
it's not his contract how much does it cost to refer to him as screech to the
entire show damn dude did you guys do you ever hang out with Ron no he was very
elusive he was ran by his entourage his rauncher he has a rauncher he was in the
rauncher you're here Norton tell that story about like the double teaming the
girl with him oh yeah yeah sorry let's just tell it third hand well I mean he
told it on the Graham Norton show Graham Norton yeah the guy with AIDS I just
thought he was British is it Norton anti-virus yeah hell yeah there we go
jokes that's why we got J.P. yeah wow wow rose battle rose master himself is
there gonna be a coup if you guys kill Jeff Ross who gets to be the new rose
master there's a whole that's like that show loan survivor there's a roaster
located underneath the comedy story he takes over the rose the secretary of
education yeah if you guys don't know about Japs my man out here writing good
ass rose jokes occasionally bitch so check him out he's also funny as hell
and we were on this season yeah I was on the New York episode I wasn't on the
tournament who did you fight yamanica Saunders oh yeah I want to be on I
would be on that show the Nick they have comedians on there Papa was on it
it's on my it's my dad the same name as the show you can't copyright a title so
that could be like the title of your reality show that just follows you
around you can't copyright a title no so I could have a show called the
sopranos
I feel like there's so many there's got to be a million shitty long-awaited
right there's a podcast called the sopranos and they don't understand why
it's so funny yeah absolutely that just like there is this I told you about Mike
diesel fucking shooting that sketch that one time when I come in wise acres and
his fucking Mike diesel and basil white and like lead are I don't know some of
the fat moron and they're like shooting a sketch where they fuck had all this
spaghetti made hell yeah they're sitting in there like fucking pretending to be
mobster's like he's like a pastor rigatoni or whatever and it's I couldn't
there's no discernible jokes in the sketch or whatever and afterwards
diesel's just walking around pasta sauce Oliver's fucking stupid face and he's
like yeah we're actually we're gonna go viral with this you know it's like 2004
2005 there's no idea what that term means yeah we're actually planning on this
going viral so that's where most of the popularity is gonna come from this is
going viral we're gonna put it on YouTube and it's just gonna get more
hits wait so he wait was Basil white the the guy that the autistic guy that's a
detective ass name yeah Basil was Basil's this he was like another big fat wise
acres guy that would do these awful oh yeah the one liners yeah and it was just
like so smug and never not particularly condescending but very much like a
smug guy who like taught comedy and just wasn't you know particularly good at it
we gotta fill that sketch where we eat a bunch of pasta yeah I mean if we did it
would be ironic yeah that's the key I'm not even kidding we literally you
recognize you have no ability to write any kind of scripted comedy oh well
thanks a lot I just want to thank combination for all the really positive
supportive comments we got on our on the pilot episode of the come-town web
series we dropped yesterday we were we honestly it took us six months to write
that and I was actually there the whole time but it was part of the the humor
yeah yeah that I wasn't on can I mean it's probably gonna be it's probably gonna
be four or five more episodes by the time this airs yeah that's true yeah
that's a good point is it serialized does pick up where episode one left off
yeah there's a three we have like yeah we don't want to spoil anything but one of
the characters finds out they have lung cancer so they start everything to sell
meth they quit their job as a chemistry teacher to sell meth and it might be me
because you can't copyright the script for a show
so what is friend George cuz he has to help himself you want to be my meth sales
yeah so basically my character his name is Walter Tony Zoprano white comes in
he goes damn Gina yeah my character Omar little will come in and assassinate
you in any moment he shoots him and he goes did I do guys we really got we're
really on something here fuck you know we should have we should have a guy on
our podcast that says Baba Buoy you know with the origins of Baba Buoy the story
that way it was a guy saying something fucked up one time and they kept a joke
going for 30 years I thought Baba Buoy was a guy Baba Buoy is a guy named his
name yeah he was a producer on the show yeah it was a I forget who what the
guy's actual name was but he fucking like he I mean he was a producer of the
show right what's his fucking real name Steve something yeah yeah like black
hair and big teeth oh yeah yeah yeah producer on the show and he was fucking
bragging about buying these like animation cells you know at like auction
or something like Disney from Disney and he's spending all his money on them
and he's going through all of me's like oh look this one's Baba Buoy and it's
like some donkey his name's not Baba Buoy at all like you just spent all his
money you know what the fuck yeah so they start calling Baba Buoy and that's
where that Joe come that's so and then Howard Stern was like I'm gonna pay you
a hundred million dollars for the every year for the rest of your life just to
be Baba Buoy now that's a dream gig yeah dude
Stern is legend that show is so good oh yeah it's the best we've kind of modeled
our show yeah we're like the heirs to stern yeah we're like the new yeah we
need to get a fucking porn stars coming here and just have them like squirt all
over the floor of the living room they're not even on Mike yeah yeah make
them ambers coming home and there's just a woman in the corner it's like now
why don't you play with your breasts there for a second I play with your
pussy in your breast that's great well why don't you shove the trombone in your
pussy just radio sorry we're broadcasting all right we got a guy who's made
himself mentally retarded from crack cocaine and he's gonna eat a eat a black
woman's turd out of the strippers pussy what a legend for comedy and then later
we got a tiny dick contest we have 15 men from Long Island that are gonna show
how small their dicks are that one isn't even a joke at all that's all that
happened they're like yeah I got micro penis you know it's okay here it is and
they just show they're fucking how it's big fan you got a micro dick that's
not like it's hard enough to find 15 guys with micro penis and then to find
15 of those guys who were like I'd do anything for Howard yeah like they did
that didn't run for governor of Jersey or yeah no he ran for mayor of New York
and he dropped out because he thought he was gonna win that's awesome and he was
like he respected it too much to go through he literally would have he should
have he should have followed through on that it would have been great the whole
city would have been like you know it is yeah cool shit every woman would have
gotten breast implants paid for by the government universal health care but only
it only covers breast did you guys when you're a little kids ever jack off to
Howard Stern on E yeah we've talked about it okay JP how about you though yeah
that's that's early bait material yeah some of the only stuff that was on if
you didn't have HBO oh yeah and the girls gone wild commercial on comedy
central yeah show me where babies feed it was awesome is that what they say in
like Marshall this I think Stan hope says that steel drops yeah show me where
babies and she pulls her tits up it was awesome dude that was a revolution in
a tit blur like they made it real subtle yeah yeah yeah you saw most of the
tit yeah it wasn't like cops where you saw just it was a jumbled computer mess
you know you saw if you could get away with some sort of FCC thing where if you
face swap the titties in the pussy so it was just two pussies of about a bunch of
in front of nipples but then the the pussy was a nipple I would love to be at
that fucking FCC hearing like that's that that Senate testifying scene in the
aviator what I don't understand is why one man can't revolutionize the way
America beats off now if you excuse me I have a business to run because I am an
American I got light bulbs blowing up is that how cameras used to work yeah
like light bulbs which is explode yeah yeah that's every picture one light bulb
yeah you need such a fucking like bright light that they would blow out the
filament wow yeah I wouldn't visually I wouldn't like to look at it it hit with a
pussy instead of a nipple but I would love to fuck one you fuck a woman in the
chest dude a titty with a pussy on it it's not intimate it's too much gear are
you guys out of your minds you don't like to be fucking we talked about this I
do not like to be fucking crazy waste of time oh you have no about how about you
just get like oh nipples installed on your thighs which are already like a
woman's press dude honestly that's not a bad I could be like the hot new thing
in Brooklyn that everyone's into how would I fucking yeah I could probably do
that yeah honestly though my my thighs are pretty soft but they just have a
little bit of hair I guess I could wax them yeah you should just wax your
thighs for speed I'm a speed skater I'm Apollo have you considered for a diet
exercise swimming like doing live I suck at swimming you suck at swimming what
about synchronized swimming I'm very good at that but not actual swimming you
should do laps I think that's probably good exercise am I gonna go do laps maybe
there's the at the Astoria pool there's no story pull J.P. you see like one ox
just paid $300 a month yeah you go to Equinox no no I go to Blink baby you
got a real job you work for like Wall Street yeah I got one of the Wall Street
jobs they just found out that I do roast battles which is pretty uncomfortable I
got a phone call from my boss and she was laughing at me and she was like well
congratulations and what are you gonna do now okay so as long as you guys are
cool with me insulting a large black woman on TV yeah I'm just gonna keep
working here well we fire me yeah 100% there okay with it isn't that the
business model Wall Street you just steal from large black women some way
well I the one thing I do know about money never sleeps you do a beer bong
yeah what was that money does never money never sleeps it's true except at
5 p.m. when the markets close yeah how much how much coke have you done in
the office I've never done any blow and I feel it did kind of let down wait
never in your life never my life are you a stock worker you just like an
actuator now I'm like a back office guy I do like compliance making sure we don't
send money to Iran oh well interesting but it's not nearly that exciting it's
what it's very very boring yeah did you go to school for numbers no I'm
actually pretty bad at numbers actually I went to school just like a white
person I'm just a white person in finance fell ass backwards and do a
comfortable job you know that's easy to do for most people in America that's how
it is I just imagine you're going into that office like the pursuit of
happiness guy with your son and locking yourself in the bathroom no he's he got
the job instead of the pursuit of I know what I'm saying like imagine if you know
a white white person they don't have to do instead of a son I just had a bow tie
and they hired me yeah you've been inside of Brooks brothers enough times to get
the job he left his son in the bathroom while he went for the interview is that
what happened to that movie I don't know I only saw the trailer I don't know
anything about this leap in a bathroom that's I think that's what that's oh yeah
they sleep in the spell happiness wrong to know it's on purpose it's to make
fun of Chinese people yeah they just throw an extra Ellen what if it's just
like the least woke movie of all time yeah just hilariously problematic I'm
trying to get this job at the racism factory I'm done come up with the best
slurs for Chinese people y'all done never done scene you'll see these plonkos
plonkos is good plonkos plonkos isn't the bad sounds like like an Eastern
European type of Chinese you know yeah yeah like it like a Kazakh would be
Mongolian yeah Colonel Plunko took over like Estonia yeah right until they all
died of radiation poisoning you know what Plunko I think might be like a like a
suck like disabled Polynesian person like or an Pacific Island I keep plunking
in the water when they try to surf yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah is there
yeah well water scares them I was joking around with a friend of mine about
the Australian refugees where I was like yeah they're trying to send over 2,000
refos my friend my friend is from Melbourne was like how'd you know that
I was like what are you talking about he's like yeah it's what we call
refugee Obama Obama said we could send over like 2,000 refos no please please
don't hang up Donald please don't say kangaroos that's the only slayer we
don't say yeah what are you some sort of sailor have you ever tossed a midget on
to with onto a Velcro I saw it's all Wolf of Wall Street knows like I wish how
great is it that Aaron Glazers in that movie oh shit he's just a guy in the
background let me find out like years later that he was method acting as a
stockbroker do another cut and just like Photoshop of vagina over his face in
the scene that he's in he doesn't pussy face fuck man I'm fucked up for me
Oklahoma diet for 48 hours my stomach hurts what did you eat down there what's
the food down there off was a casino food have you done that place that casino
dude it is the shittiest buffet I've ever been to in my entire life but it's so
bad you're like oh I gotta see was pretty funny yeah I gotta fucking put this
sushi that has gelatin in it in my fucking body yeah it's all ethnically
divided it's like a trip around the world yeah so you can taste the rainbow
there's one that's like is there one that's just like other well Italian just
has like yeah lasagna la zz they didn't have the rights to lasagna yeah
dude the food there was fucking sure the steaks were good steakhouse killer well
they have a nicer restaurant in there for you know the high rollers yeah the
people that are on them big-time slots you win some dough and I don't I don't
gamble I don't gamble either that's why that shit was fucking I played I played
the slots for like five seconds and I'm like this does nothing for me yeah you
just you know you lose money it's a fucking business you had 20 dollars
unless you know how to play poker you know how to fucking play blackjack
there's no reason to go to a fucking casino yeah I'm trying to set up a
poker night hell yeah you play poker absolutely yeah hold them yeah I I was
on a cruise ship and they had a little casino on board and I went to a slot
machine and I didn't know how to use it so I just like press the button one time
and I had no idea what happened and then like six weeks later I got a check in
the mail from carnival cruise for like 17 dollars that one you're rich as fuck
that's how it's done yeah dude just don't know what you're doing yeah I went
to the MGM grand in Detroit and yeah it's just the GM grand yeah that was in
the casino that was an assembly yeah I went to the assembly plant and it's a
gamble whether you get your paycheck or not I busted my job right I'm just
pulling levers for some like these slots some guys dick is stuck in a machine
his beard and a conveyor about honey it's just Eminem and his black coat
yeah and things fucking Brittany Murphy behind a fucking outside that was an
outdoor I was inside dude it was inside the building I think it was inside the
building but it was oh yeah no those are your two options inside or outside don't
try to fucking it was kind of an outside sex scene no what do you mean kind of
an outside fucking piece of shit kind of what I'm saying is it in a gazebo no
it was like it was next to shelves right didn't they fuck shell makes it near
outside yeah like outdoor shelves kind of fucking stupid shit they're near a
window is how you mean maybe that's an argument yeah I don't know if there's a
window when I think they're outside the hardest I've ever laughed I was in I was
in Home Depot with my friend Matt one time and Matt's like yeah I don't know
why he doesn't really look like a Home Depot employee but he's like a black
guy and this fucking like older white lady comes up to him and she's like
excuse me I'm looking for this type of you know she had like two things in her
hand she's like do you have more of these and Matt like without a beat he's just
smiling he's like oh yeah sure follow me and I watch him and he walks in the aisle
and this woman starts following him and then I'm like on the other side of the
aisles and I see him just sort of walk this way and this lady's following him
and he just keeps walking all the way to the other end of the store like
eventually she just stops following him after 50 feet and I'm like crying laughing
this dumb bitch like follow him halfway across the store when like what she was
asking for was like literally right in front of us he's like oh yeah sure but
that's no problem follow me like didn't miss a orange no mark echo like a mark
echo fucking sweatsuit he's like um excuse me dad man this shit was so
fucking funny I love that shit yeah there was this guy we were I forget where
we were I think we were like Krispy Kreme or something and there was like a
worker whose name was Dennis but spelled with one N and I was like yeah I was
like this I was like I was I call this guy Dennis and like a media but before
he could even like finish processing when I was saying he was like what's up man
Deanus is Deanus right I was wondering if
what's up man Deanus is Deanus right yeah so I was wondering if can we get to
one of these an extra one you know what we need more backup name tags for
Deanus yeah he's getting vandalized so my son's name is also Deanus
hey guys hilarious Deanus with the sweet penis yeah that's what I would be
named if I was named Deanus man I'm getting hungry again what do you want to
eat my dude I don't know I just said I had pizza for breakfast yeah no my
fucking stomach just hurts dude yeah there wasn't any vegetables everyone was
sad in that casino you try to be healthy I'm trying but it's not going good I need
to drink more coffee I think I don't think my coffee levels are fucked up
get your metabolism going yeah well I got used to drinking two pots a day you
really drink lots of coffee pots you're the doctor say you should have six pots
a day that's very Scandinavia yeah well this the scans are the most healthy
people in the world absolutely dude they're just blonde and fucking yeah
all in shit it's a good health they all wrote a work yeah you know that's what's
kind of funny about like the Nazi like they're the master race thing is they're
kind of right you know you look at him you look at him and you're like well
they are right and that is the master way doier than they were projected yeah
in film people in little shorts on bikes leather shorts no not Germans the
fucking Scandinavians well that's all not propaganda it was like that's not what
you look like you know that's not you there's no German people for that much
metal you're not the master race yeah you're saying that the I agree with that
black metal is trash oh yeah it's bad it's very bad but wait so you're saying
that the Scandinavians are the master race yeah well that's what they're all
their problems they were pretending Jesse Owens beat everyone at the Olympics
yeah that's they're good at hockey people like people are the master that's
why I'm saying no LeBron black people are on yeah like people are OP in the in
the in the athletics category no dude we got Neil deGrasse Tyson too yeah but
he's shit at sports he's just a nerd he was a wrestler he was strong yeah he was
if you see him back in the day he's that picture him playing base yo that was
before he learned science it was a reverse captain America
yeah my muscles for more knowledge of stars yeah I'm going black as master
race yeah yeah of course they got like the coolest like culturally speaking
everyone tries to just ape their shit right but that wouldn't have happened if
they weren't like because they became yeah they became that way because they
were pressed yeah yeah but Africans are I mean Africans are just silly that's
true yeah they're pretty good yeah I mean Africans are like they're like in
terms of coolness they're on par with Persians and like absolutely an Italian
Italians yeah Italians yeah you're right they're funny Southern Italians yeah
right yeah yeah no they're there you're yeah they're like comparable they're
comparable to Persians where they're maybe like kind of cool but still like
cool guy yeah right exactly real Africans just well Persians are like
they're obsessed with the club and fucking more and cologne and shit yeah
yeah Africans are like that yeah right you're like that and weapons and
masses Africans Africans are basically the Persians that were sandals
Persians were sandals no they were dress shoes they were like yeah yo I saw
the other day do you remember dress sandals no do you remember they were like
a towel I do oh yeah yeah yeah but they're like mom's like cutouts yeah and
it was like you know you when you wear a full suit with the dress sandals damn it
they really didn't a double-breasted suit right yeah oh yeah I watched that movie
dressed to kill the Brian Palmer movie I haven't seen it there's a the cop is
wearing dress sandals to power move their feet exposed in meetings you should
do that on the Wall Street I do I suck my own toes
that's cool it's intimidation yeah like a baby wasn't that that SNL sketches the
baby in the bit the guys just as the physics of a baby yeah yeah yeah trying
to pick up the phone and just slamming that's the kind of dumb shit that's
fucking hilarious yeah yeah yeah what's your face as Sean Spicer when the the
podium starts going rogue and crap that's the hardest I've laughed at SNL like
five years I didn't watch it it's everyone saying it's really good yeah I
should probably watch I don't watch it I watched dumb I watched like fucking
Steven Seagal movies yeah you know I gotta catch the sound of music meet me in
st. Louis that's my watch just guy shit you know what was that TV show about
like the accidents the tarot maximum exposure yeah yeah yeah that was my
shit talked about it was real TV it was maximum exposure and then it became real
TV here happy TV no that was a sketch show fucking moron hello yeah yeah big
cell phone that was good as shit hilarious with that big cell phone thing
didn't make sense why would you need to scream into it well because it's a big
cell phone big dude no that makes perfect sense come on man it doesn't track
it's fucking bullshit that's bad sketch writing ever delclose says if you have a
big phone you don't need to yell if you would take my master class I saw YouTube
ad for a master class on creating digital music by deadmau5s the place
before YouTube videos he's like you know you want to fucking make music fucking
make music don't be a fucking bitch that don't make you know so you can sit at
home and not make the fucking music or you can fucking make the music you
bitch idiot curse bro's like you to master class
who's fighting over that you bullied into making shitty music Silicon Valley like
last year some word got out that like cursing makes your message more
effective and now every idiot with a drone is putting that like they're in
their ads we're seeing the keynote body guy no he's like this super jacked
Canadian bro and he's like you're doing all your fucking exercises fucking wrong
if you want to stop working out like a fucking retard dude I'm actually kind of
intrigued yeah I want to know why what I'm doing well I think there was an
article you're right probably two years ago that said people that curse a lot are
more trustworthy yeah and it's like how did as somebody that curses all the time
I can guarantee you I am not trustworthy I just don't know how to speak yeah it's
like also I don't know how to articulate the words there are thoughts in my head
so I have to say fuck every other sentence also that's not true yeah how
many fucking stupid poor like trash white trash curses all the time that's more
trust right people that'll fucking yeah excuse me I was wondering if you could
fucking let me borrow your fucking cell phone for a second yeah also your hub
caps you get better reception yeah let me see your keys real quick yeah I'm
trying to look at yeah yeah I saw this David Blaine fucking shit I want to
recreate it but you got to give me $20 you guys will appreciate this being from
Baltimore when I was in I was in Baltimore on a field trip like in high
school yeah dude there's this guy by the inner harbor this white guy with like a
full Sean John denim suit on you and like thank you and then he asked my
eighth grade friend he's like hey man can I use your cell phone and my friend
just gives him his cell phone to talk to you like three minutes chatting with his
mom and he's like now talk to daddy no more daddy a asshole
that's so awesome that that wasn't a scam
he just saw some fucking child to catch up with my mom
how great it would be if it's like he takes a phone and then you just hear you
for each day well movie for high noon press one I'm trying to see you know
this is a hot warmer than a month I remember that Seinfeld when Kramer was
pretending to be movie fun that was awesome yeah why don't you just tell me
what damn remember having a call that shit and you damn different times boys
well I remember looking up movie times paper I never did use movie phone that
was like that was like a weird future thing for me right movies you used to
go see three movies or something pay for the first one then like look in the
paper with the time no so it always just go to the movies with my mom my friend
Alex was like go see three movies yeah I did that one time my friends for the
first time after like only going with my parents like this is so dirty what we're
doing yeah were you hard very very bad here but we saw like we see fucking
crashing tiger hit dragon the never seen the mummy seen it Scorpio I would get
I would get bored I went I went to two movies in a row one time I'm like I can
never do this again yeah I gotta be hung over shit and in like high and just
eating like seamless all fucking day you know like I watch five movies on a
hungover day but yeah you know if I'm feeling good oh at home I watch I'll
watch like fucking four or five movies in a day but you haven't seen anything
yeah I'm not going to the theater I can't sit in a theater all day long it's
kind of fun I mean I just want to eat all that popcorn I've never walked out
of a movie I've fucking I've walked out one movie ever and it was because my
friend forced me to walk out with him well I for whatever reason like my
friend Justin his parents took us to the movies and they went to see George of
the jungle and we went to see House of Sand and Fog I think that's what it was
I think they took his like little sister to see George of the jungle and we're
like we're not fucking watching this so we have to see how I think I was like
let's go see House of Sand and Fog and I was like not enough fog we're walking
out even worse than that we're watching and there was like one sex scene with
Jennifer Connelly that came and went and he was like well if we're not gonna
see your naked at this point it's not gonna happen let's leave it just like
gets up and like drags me with him and I'm like I'm watching this what did you
do for the rest of it I don't know we just went out the lobby there was a
kid that kid was such a fucking like I was a bad kid but that kid was just a
fucking piece of shit he was adopted and so he was like by the time he was ten
he was like six to bigger than his parents you know hell yeah morbidly
obese hell yeah just an absolute fucking bully and he was so mean that it was so
funny how fun like his sister had this like antique doll house I remember in
the basement and Justin just had a crowbar one day that he was like going
around with you see him like fucking weighing the crowbar in his hands you
know he's gonna do something bad and then fucking he's looking at the doll
house and he's like hello anybody home it just smashes the crowbar
and he's just fucking wiggling the crowbar just destroying the tall house
just smashing out all the windows he's like course let's clean this shit up
you know you leave your toys out destroy it and then you know she comes down
there and she's seeing it she's like crying her eyes out and I'm fucking like
hyperventilating laughing she goes to the parents they're like there's nothing
because he's such a piece of shit to witness somebody just operate with
look you can see the look how naked this guy is
was the street he's got no blinds why are they have curtains they're putting
their clothes on that was tight this is like that movie rear with this like
Seinfeld that's insane I guess they didn't realize it can you see these
people amber well I just missed his dick oh she's yeah he's got a he's got a
nice song no we're podcasting about this you're on our podcast dick really
yeah he's walking down the hall jackets they get holding his ass hilarious
he's doing what they're gonna call the police on us yeah probably yeah all the
police cuz that guy just looked and saw you staring through the window like a
fucking 12-year-old yeah you know that's why I'm like blinds man yeah
they have curtains anyhow so this fight you go over there and like I also have
sex he's trash and he's trash in this girl stuff I'm dying laughing it's like
the fun oh one time his parents brought us to Cirque du Soleil which was a
mistake I don't know why they fucking you know if they're shitty cultureless
fucking 12-year-old son bring him to Cirque du Soleil and Justin's sitting
there the entire time chewing like he got like a bag of skittles he's doing the
skittles up and spitting them like forward into the dark and we can't see
where they're going but just the idea of him and he used to do this all the time
to go to movie theaters needs spit and throw shanty people in front of us what
a must yeah he was a bad guy doing now I don't know he's probably dead anyhow so
back this fucking uh yeah they're back it's just the guy though oh come on so
it's uh it's uh we're at Cirque du Soleil he's spitting candy the entire fucking
time and then we get to the end of Cirque du Soleil and we're walking
through the lobby area we just hear like him there he is that's the guy it's
this fucking middle-aged woman and she's with her husband the husband looks
pissed off and she's like security where security and she realizes that it's a
boy it's just a very large boy and she's like she fucking turns around he's like
he's spit and there's all this candy stuck in her head one of those brown
you get at the bodega they get in his face and they try to you know they
realize they can't do anything because he's a 12 year old boy that's just
enormous there's like you're gonna apologize and he's like fuck you
can't do anything and he just fucking walks out was this your apprenticeship
yeah no he was I fucking hated that kid because his mom was my mom's boss so I
had to fucking hang out that's terrible yeah where's your mom working at the
time NIH she was like a secretary and like that's she got she got cuz the kid
was is the kid was uh he went to the daycare center my mom worked at so
this like how they and then she got him the job because it was like oh well our
children could be friends or what yeah brutal so you were the hook yeah I mean
he wasn't a dick all the time I mean it's granted his parents were like
research scientists yeah yeah and then they adopted this fucking monster where
they adopt him from I don't know the local the garbage hot local adopts is
it a local adopts is it a fucking was he from somewhere else I don't know I
can't wait yeah he was a white he was white mostly white I guess nice you know
I assume I assume anytime somebody's adopted you know always part you know
not Cherokee yeah well actually he did claim to be part Cherokee my friend my
friend Ethan this small Jew he had an adopted brother from like Latvia or
some shit and he just had and either she's talking about his whole life his
brother had such a monster dick he just like he just had such better genes than
it was just like a muscular fucking sexy European Jew it's terrible and it was
just like and Ethan was just like this mush this was human being with a
little I knew a guy like that he was a twin and he like but his brother was
just like three inches taller what a little better in every way well he
wasn't adopted he's no he's so much worse you have the exact same DNA and
something you're doing yeah it's bullshit it's clearly not your genes it's
clearly the way you're just slightly closer to a microwave when you a little
bit fucked up he's just kicking your ass in the womb he was taking all your
shit dude yeah fuck what are you what are your twin bros up to today dude is
there's one more successful than the other I think the kid who was like the
inferior one is like working for the CIA now oh nice try to take try to make
sure it Trump dies in jail deep state so much we did that the other day like a
picture of him was like he will die in jail yeah we're never gonna have that
satisfaction he's gonna be president for 12 years yeah I hope they extend term
limits how you present the rest of our lives I'm kind of disappointed that they
that the naked couple has left the window I know dude I it's weird because
whenever you see a naked person real life you're like why am I not fucking them
absolutely even the man if you're nude around me I should be allowed to fuck
you that's the rule I saw that at work in it around you yeah like just go knock
on the door you know the rules that's what some of us say we should go over
there and ask yeah fuck it's on the girl you guys can we also fuck you hey got
your message read you saw what it was at work I saw across there's like a
building right next to my building very close and I looked across the way and
it took me like five seconds to figure out what I was seeing but it was a woman
like getting into the shower she's naked nice doing that work I was like getting
money seeing tits yeah these people aren't even this on a high-rise they're
on like the second floor they're walking around it's evening the there's no way
you there are on their lights are on it could not be better what the fuck are you
doing he's doing pilates on the window sill with his dick out I don't like him
dude I don't like this guy I've decided I don't like I don't like you know he's
like one of those girls are like she had a big juicy but he's like a new age kind
of guy you know he's into like spirituality that kind of how do you
know this about him I just know he's one of those guys that your girlfriend like
leaves you for you know a DJ and your close best friend yeah DJ and your best
friend you know just normal shit like that that happens to everyone they get
married and travel the world together you know it's just regular regular normal
shit well you have a series of unfulfilling relationships with either
girls that kind of look like her kind of look like her just like four or five
different girls that kind of look like her damn it's cold as ice sounds pretty
cool I mean just a regular ass shit like that regular shit like that guy stuff
guys off just guy talk just fucking beating off chive on guys I wish you
could beat off your heart I love I love you just beat off your you know be a
cool character a character named Chyvon Martin
he's wearing that shirt I mean come on dude that's a great character Chyvon
Martin we should get that fucking naked guy in the podcast we should his ass
we should dude because he's fucking light his ass up he like knocks on the
door wearing a full suit and we're like take it off take it off dude
take that fucking suit off you're not gonna be a fucking podcast with Eddie
clothes on your piece of shit how dare you have a big dick I didn't get to get
a big dick bigger than yours I mean it was like post fuck so it's probably like
oh yeah that real juiced up post fuck yeah that's the best that's really the
only time I look at my penis otherwise I just like I close my eyes anytime I
have to I look at mine I only do it after a cold shower you do yeah I'll read
Russian literature and I only look at my dick when it's completely shriveled at
the schvitz you go into like the hottest room and then they have this free is the
hottest room for you the one with all the men in it you're gay I want a gun
that says I'm gonna fucking buy an airsoft gun and I'm gonna get put it
get a yak back and an airsoft gun and rig the trigger so it says you're gay
no I was home alone to I want one of those things yeah I want one of those
guns that the Joker had that said bang but it says you're gay yeah I want a
visual that would be pretty like a flag those are pretty easy to make let's make
them dude yeah whatever you know I'm not even gonna you're gay you're gay that's
what the gas actually did in the timber in Batman is it made the whole town get
the flow game really stepped up well my joke after dark night came out that I
used to do it open mics and no one ever laugh at is doing a Mike Joker impression
where I say you want to know how I got these scars and then you point to the
scars on the side of his mouth he goes my dad's dick was this big and then you
create the visual that's pretty dick was so wide it ripped his face open that's
pretty good yeah but I'm there because that's how Heath Ledger died yeah they
weren't ready to process it he tried to suck off a fire hydrant he tried to
de-throw an entire Olsen twins yeah why was an Olsen's twin involved they're
just friends found him dead one of the Olsen yeah texting mm-hmm they're
like cut it out shaking his body wait so Olsen and then Uncle Jesse and Uncle
Joey found him dead I'm still laughing about about stop thinking in high school
not high school dude I was a little kid in fucking high school rock rock doodle
fucking yeah yeah I was a rockabilly high school it was four years I was like
in high school it was like a black middle school and he was rock ability yeah
he was like we're like a leather jacket and he'd be walking just like he'd be
walking down the hall clock to clock you have to see what's up on me the palm
aid took all your hair up yeah he strikes in your shirt like yeah rock ability
is I thought it was like no rock abilities rock ability is like yeah it's
like the grease or aesthetic but then they listen to newer shit right it's not
it's not all old rock and roll no stop was like swing dance stuff would like
walk around with an upright base everybody rock ability is a lot of
crossover with that swing revival bullshit because all of South Austin is
still like swing revival rock ability guys so you know that guy Brian they were
like rompers or would not romp creepers what are those fucking stupid big shoes
called oh they're like bowling kind of yeah but then they're like a platform on
them no not spats what are they called creepers yeah creepers oh I didn't know
that yeah and then like and then like pearl snaps and like pot they have pop
of doors pearl snap shirts okay yeah stop you being a rock ability kid in all
black middle school or high school is like me going my all white middle school
and having a huge pelly-pelly jacket chain that's cool I lasted a couple of
years that'd be awesome did you do that I did you literally did that was me as
fuck pelly-pelly pelly-pelly jacket so nice they named it twice yeah the brand so
nice yeah you remember the band the the stray cats Brian sensor yeah so he was
his son there were two codeys in my in my kindergarten and that's gonna be it
for today's episode reach our time with it so we had a lot of fun we want to
thank JP for coming on thanks for following on Twitter at JP underscore
mcdade yeah JP mcdade watch roast roast battle on Comedy Central with Gilbert
Godfrey to April 14th yeah yeah stay tuned for more of the web series we'll
get that going thanks guys thanks man you