The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - 46

I hit that button like I just did and then that's how the podcast starts. Oh, yeah, dude. Yeah, yeah Yo, what's up y'all motherfucking come town West come town West, baby We got the Cali vibes of the cool Cali baby Going through our cool Cali hair right now. I learned how to surf dude. I did a 360 surf We had a chill. We had a kickback earlier. Just that people are they float more right? Yeah, that's true That's why the best is you're all you're all lipids. Are we gonna talk about our favorite sublime songs? We're having a kicker right now Which is just four dudes in a room getting crossfaded getting high in stone and then maybe if a couple girls come over

We could have a full chill. What's crossfaded? Is that the dab marine thing crossfaded is when you get like how you like make fun of This guy for being like a loser for smoking weed, but then you just sit at home and watch videos of this guy Smoking weed smoking weed. I really want to go to Long Beach and meet Nick. We we should go I'm too afraid to DM him Follows me on Instagram. No, my really it's a friend of mine from New York got me Has this weird obsession with this guy who lives in Long Beach named Nick 420 CA On Instagram and what he does is he just films himself doing dab marines Sometimes doing bingers hitting bingers. He's been basically he was dormant and then the night Trump won for some reason

He came back. It was time and so basically he'll do like a he'll do a dab And then he'll chug like a 24 ounce ticade. Oh sick And then yeah, and then it'll hit a binger and then he'll blow it all out do some sort of yeah He's real serious about this, but the thing is is that on its own It's not in terms of as a as a work of art. It's not that impressive on its own But through repetition, which is literally maybe smoking weed on the internet. Maybe 5,000 times coughing for on aggregate maybe Like a day and a half just of just coughing on YouTube. Yeah, that should be a supercut

The unfortunate thing is is that his original YouTube channel is now done It is offline and the genesis of the entire project, which is chilling and dabbing down after Chill out dabbing after chilling down at pike is no longer on the internet But that is the video that started it all and started the entire obsession, but basically I'm gonna DM DM Nick weed. Yeah, so yeah, so we're here. We got fucking heavy ass dick Andy. Heavy ass dick. Heavy dick Andy, yeah. Hell yeah baby. It's got tumors in it. Weighted down by tumors. Full of cancer. No lipids in here if you guys could support my GoFundMe.

Yeah, just his GoFundMe. That's why he's here. It's because I was shooting HGH right into my fucking... You probably get phallin for dick cancer. I hope. The answer is no, stop. Could you put the HGH in your dick and make it bigger? No, the answer is no. That would be awesome. I love how you just saw a stovess brain. Of course, yeah. You saw the... I've been taking HGH, so time... You saw the hamster that's on this. I've been doing... I've been pumping HGH directly into my frontal lobe so I can fucking read people's minds now.

Oh fuck. No, I think that's called chemistry. You gotta get fucking stem cells injected right into your spine in Israel. Yeah, dude. I've been kidnapping all those missing girls in DC. I've been harvesting their stem cells. See, I just go to Planned Parenthood and I go to the Abortion Bucket. It's like when you go to Panera after hours and you're like, you got any extra fucking croissants? You just do that with children. I just eat that. You just eat the abortion.

I knew a guy that fucking was like an anarchist or whatever. And like him and this girl I grew up with, they had a kid and then she died like two months late. It was tragic. She was actually like really cool. She had like a fucking aneurysm. So it was like one of those out of nowhere sort of things. She was living in her parents' basement raising the kid and like one day he came home with like a bag of bread that he had found in the trash. And it was like, please don't raise your baby on trash bread that you found behind Panera. You gotta get that EBT card, son. Yeah.

Did they fucking toss him? Did the parents just kick him out? No, actually he's doing an all right job raising that kid. Yeah, he's trans now too. Jared? Yeah, yeah. Hell yeah, dude. There's a lot of layers going on to this motherfucker. Wait, is he in Seattle? No. Why? Does that sound like everyone in Seattle? No.

Wait, hold on. Is he the mayor of Seattle? Is that the city control? Yeah, yeah. A trans woman came up to me in Seattle recently and was like, I used to do comedy in DC with you. But I was a guy back then. So I didn't know who it was. Oh shit, I wonder who it was. Cause I would probably know also. Yeah, it's my diesel.

Yeah, it's my diesel. Yeah, I used to be a fucking guy. Now I'm Mike Prius. The girl version of it. He doesn't even have, he has like a shitty name change. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, homophobic against himself. Yeah.

Yeah, my favorite. I'm like, faggot. Yeah. I figured my switch, you know. I didn't want to confuse people. My favorite Mike Diesel story is like, Dwighty told the story about meeting Mike Diesel. And like, he's like, yeah, I worked with this guy, Mike Diesel.

I'm like, please go on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Mike was like, yeah, I've been a road comic for, you know, 75 years or whatever. The number is now that he tells people. I'm the number one comic in the West Virginia Panhandle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you know, I mean, if you know Mike, you know, he tells like all these stories or whatever. And some of them are just like so ridiculous that you just, you know, I mean, not all of them are ridiculous, you know, stories.

But Dwighty said he met him. And then he was like, yeah, I've been a road dog for 45 years. I only got four teeth left. And it's like, he could just see his teeth. Yeah. So he's like literally lying through his teeth. Incredible. Yeah.

I never, I never met Diesel. How is that possible? Because I only went to, what was that club? Wiseacre. I only went to Wiseacre's like twice. I felt, I fell into being a Wiseacre's guy pretty early on and stand up, which is kind of like, that's, that was like it for you, I guess, in DC. Like just became a Wiseacre's guy. It was a good room.

It was a great room. It was like the, probably the best room. But I didn't have a car and I was not, I wasn't going to catch like what, I think that was like, not that you could get a train out there at that point. Yeah. There is now. You know something weird though? Yeah. That hotel that Wiseacre's was in.

Yeah. I was staying at that hotel when Kurt Cobain died. Whoa. When I was like 12. That's weird. Yeah, but I never went. Yeah. Anyways.

The way Diesel would tell that story is, and I actually pulled the gun out of his mouth. Yeah. And he said, Mike, thank you for writing every one of Nirvana's songs and teaching me how to play guitar. You guys got to get Diesel on and come down. That would be. We've talked about it. We love to have Mike Diesel on. We want Diesel.

We want Tom Myers. Dude, Tom will come on the show. Today I got a low exposure tweet, but one of them, one low engagement, one of them was Tom Myers. Oh, hell yeah. Usually I delete them if they get low engagement. Yeah. And I was like, fuck it. No, you got the, that's Tom Myers is on there.

Yeah. Finn for our listeners, Heavy Dick Andy also is a DC boy. Started comedy DC, right? Are you starting? I started in Seattle, but I like eight months in. Right, right, right, right. So we all know him from the damn scene. Yeah.

Just giving these motherfuckers. But Andy was, Andy was first bubble, first comedy bubble, first wave, and we were second wave. Yeah. Nick was both waves. I've never had a wave. No, I know. But I remember you started when, like right when I got to DC. Yeah.

And Matt Kazan was like losing his mind. He was like, there's this kid and he's like, great. Yeah. But I mean, I quickly, I think it was like two months in, I made friends with Norman. Yeah. And Norman's like, just come to Wise Acres and then they quickly became like, oh, I'll just do Wise Acres. And I remember you also like, we're over it right away too.

What stand up? Yeah. There was something weird. Like were you on pills or something? Yeah, but that wasn't, I did after like, after like maybe like it took longer than that. It took about the 13 months, but I got burned out. Yeah. Cause I remember like, I just didn't see you until maybe I went out here.

Yeah. Well, I was just at Wise Acres. And then, and then after like doing Wise Acres for maybe two years, it was like, I started dating a girl and then I would do stand up maybe once every two months. And then she died. And then she died. And I was like, this is the funniest thing that's ever happened. I got to talk about this.

But yeah, no, I then there was like a period where I didn't do comedy for like nine months, I think. And then I moved to Austin and when I moved to Austin, like I just wanted to move. I just wanted to move somewhere. And then Norman's like, no, you like have to do stand up. I don't know. And I think he was my only friend. So I would go out with him to mice and shit.

So I kind of like started over basically when I got there. Did you win a funniest person in Austin? No, I was in the finals like two or three years. He did win gayest person in Austin. I did. I won gayest person in Austin. Who were you up against? We were, we all like lost our mind when Bryson won.

And we were like, price is going to be famous now. Yeah. And like Bryson like at 24 was a better comic than like a lot of the comics that, you know, I know, you know, he like figured it out six years in or whatever. But I don't want to talk shit on Bryson because he was like a good friend, even though I'd only hear from him like maybe once every year and a half. Yeah, he's a good dude. I just remember we like, we're like, oh Bryson's famous now.

We didn't know how anything worked. Yeah. Local contest. We were like, ah, he's fucking design fell. For a long time, it was like, if you won funniest person in Austin, you would get a TV credit out of it. You used to get Gotham. Yeah.

And then you would get new faces back when it was like new faces, you know, where it was like the masters and then the fucking new faces or whatever. But there was 10 slots. That was it. Oh, really? It was a big deal. Yeah. And then like, I think Bryson was like the first guy to not get either out of winning

the, the festival. Damn. Because Lucas got it, right? He got at least Gotham, right? Lucas got Gotham years prior to that. I mean, it wasn't, it wasn't for a funniest person. No. Austin used to send two people to like, like two Austin guys would get Gotham and like

one of them would get new faces, like every year for a two or three year run leading up to me and Bryson moving to Austin. And then the year we got there, like that just sort of fell out. Did you guys check this fucking Samurai? Yeah, there's your Gatan in here. This is like, it's pretty tight. Super chill room. Yeah, yeah.

This is where Danny fucking... It's got sort of an Asian slash New York Yankees theme. Is that like the, is the memoirs of a Geisha poster, like to kind of like accompany the, the Katana? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's kind of...

Well, he put it up with the Katana. It's a giant hole in the wall. That's how he's going to... That's how he's going to... That's the structure. Yeah. The memoirs of a Geisha is my favorite movie. Is it?

Yeah. We'll dress up. When they fuck the Geisha, you see your tits. I've never seen it. Dude. I don't know. Do you know the name of that Japanese movie that's like seven years of pleasure or something that's like...

No. It's... There's like an extended like penis licking scene. Oh, totally. It's just... Yeah, it's just pornography. Hell yeah, dude. Which is weird because Japanese porn always has like this blur.

Yeah. Why is that? They got weird pubes. Yeah. Straight. Straight pubes. No pearls. Well, it's because they all want to fuck computers.

So... Make it digital. It's like their USB. Yeah. It adds to it for them. All their pubes look like the Beatles. Kind of. Like a Beatles...

You have the most... No, let them finish whatever this stupid fucking thought is. That was just the thought. Like you mean like the bowl cuts? Yeah. Wait a second. They don't even look like the Beatles. Yeah.

They're pubes. They look like flat iron hair. Yeah. It looks like a... Like a Beatles... They look like Young Einstein. You guys remember the movie? Yeah.

I never saw Young Einstein. It's bad. Guys. Why is it Young Einstein's... Sorry. I was thinking of Young Frankenstein. That's a good one. That's a good one.

Young Einstein's. I'm going to wash my hands. Do you guys mind? No, no. Please. It's fine. I blasted a cig and it stinks. Yeah.

Yeah. Don't worry about it. What's Young Einstein? Let's guess. Yeah. Well, I wash his hands. It's kind of like... It's a program for kids to learn C++ and stuff.

No, that's Baby Einstein. Oh. Young Einstein is... I'm going to say it's like a prestige drama for a streaming service. And Einstein's hot and he's got a fucking... No, it was like an Australian movie where this guy was supposed to be like... I don't know why it was called Young Einstein because I don't think he was actually supposed

to be Einstein because he was Australian. But it was like an action movie. They just like... They were like... They were like, oh, he's Einstein's Austrian. They're like, oh, I know Austria. Yeah. It was like the scope of...

Kangaroos. It was the scope of like Hudson Hawk. You know, like one of those like weird off-brand kind of superhero dumb movies. Like Blank Man. Yeah. Blank Man was good. Hey, what was the thing this week where Alex Jones said that Australia wasn't real? Oh, I missed that.

I don't know. I mean, there's so much Alex Jones content to fucking go through. I feel like he sold out. Yeah, he did. He apologized for the pizza gate shit. He apologized for the new... What's the town with the shooting? Newton?

No. He didn't apologize? No. He's still hanging on to that one? Yeah, he is. False leg. You know, I'm born on the... He's born February 11th.

That's my birthday. Shit. Me and Alex Jones, dude. Yeah. Same guy. I wonder what he would have to say about that. I think it's false. Probably, yeah.

I think I wasn't born on February 11th. False leg. You don't exist. Dude, I'm not real. No one has the same birthday as me. I don't have a birthday. If you say I have a birthday, I will fight you. I heard that Alex Jones is actually a comedian, Richard Jenny.

Yeah. But instead of he faked his death and then he became Alex Jones. Richard Jenny and Paul Versey have like the same exact voice. It's so funny. I think it's Will Sasso. I think it's like a Will Sasso character that he's been doing it. I love when Sasso comes up, dude. He became a Vine star.

Yeah, he did. They got rid of him. The lemons were real funny. The lemons. The lemons. I remember that. I went back and watched all the old Sasso Steven Seagal sketches. So good.

Yeah. They were fucking great. So good. Steven Seagal's Letterbox 2000. You remember that one? When are we going to start talking shit on Wardell? I'm just trying to appease the subreddit. I do like editing tricks where you play the podcast backwards and it's his home address.

Social security number and shit. I know his home address. Yeah. I do too. It's pretty funny. Yeah. We did a little Brandon shit talking on the last one. Yeah.

Yeah. I just heard your subreddit hate soon. Kind of. Yeah. Well, he blames us for it, but it's like a lot of people hate you. Yeah. That's just the internet. I don't know what the fuck.

He's got a lot of enemies. Yeah. Yeah, he's gay. Yeah, it's so funny to look at the comments on the episode of Chapo Trap House that he was on where people are like, I cannot believe this. I'm seriously considering deleting my subscription and never listening to this podcast again. I want to go fucking Chapo, dude. But those dudes love him.

They're always excited, you know? Yeah. Well, they're very nice guys. Yeah. They're good dudes. Yeah. They're really nice. Shots out why Dick Willey, Big Dick Felix.

Yeah. I missed the boys. Yeah. Actually, they don't get their names until they come on. Yeah. I'm a Grey Wolf. Are you? Yeah.

Subscribe. Yeah, dude. Heavy Dick Andy's a fucking Grey Wolf. I joined the Democratic Socialist. I did all of it. I'm over it now. Andy's got the rest. I didn't join.

I'm like the honorary president. Yeah. Oh, really? You don't have to join. There's always people like trying to shame the DSA for being like vaguely associated with me. That was like going on two weeks ago on Twitter. So stupid.

Yeah. I'm like the president of like, I think like that someone in the national office for the DSA had to like post on Facebook. I don't know who the fuck. I don't know who this is. I think it'd be tight if when the socialist government takes over, you're just like affiliated with it. Like it's clearly corrupt.

I'm going to be in the cultural office. Yeah. Yeah. You get a Dasha outside. Yeah. You're the czar of trolling, dude. Yeah. For the DSA.

That'd be pretty sweet. That is your fucking lot in life. That would be your fucking, that's the way you're the best at in the world is trolling. Yeah. But no, the alt-right guys are better at trolling than anybody else. I think you're, dude, don't sell yourself shit. Because they just do offensive shit. It's not even like very...

No, they do. They like this, the shit 4chan polls is pretty impressive. See, I don't know that universe, but... Yeah. Like when that report came out, the British intelligence report or whatever, the PGA, yeah. And then they got people. Was that 4chan?

They got people. They were telling people that they planted the story and then that got traction. And that was like impressive. Yeah. The amount of people they got. The masters. Yeah. I mean, Pizzagate is them.

That's amazing. That's hilarious. Yeah, yeah, that's a great troll. But also, they show a lot. They used to do a lot of child porn on that. On fucking... 4chan? 4chan, yeah.

Yeah. They just, they also love that also. I wasn't saying they were good. Yeah. I can't believe you're endorsing all right. No. As the president of the DSA. Yeah.

You can't be doing shit like this. Right. Well, I'm trying to take the DSA in a new direction. Yeah. This is an official stance of the DSA. You gotta get a meme of Pepe, like a Pepe with a rose. Oh, I got a tattoo. I got, you know, in like American history X-rays, I got to send up a signal and he takes his

shirt off and exposes the swastika tattoo. No, welcome. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I'm just covered in fond tattoos. Oh my God. Yeah. That's cool.

I see. That's kind of frog. WB frog. You just thought about that Pepe shit is Blake Anderson because didn't he like start a clothing line that was all Pepe's? Yeah. Yeah. Right before it became a big meme.

Yeah. Brandon has like 25 shirts that are covered in Pepe's. Yeah. Pepe was like a nice, harmless, funny. It was, it's from a, a comic called Boys Club. Yeah. It's Matt. What's his name?

I don't know. Matt Reif. I forget the, the name of the guy that did the, the comics, but like it was like, there was one specific panel that became like a 4chan meme right 10 years ago and it's one where like, like, he's crying. No, it's like there's, uh, shut up. Yeah. All right.

No, it was me slapping at it. The Pepe character, they're all roommates. It's like a dog and a frog and a chicken or something. We're all roommates together and like, uh, the dog goes into the bathroom and Pepe's like at the toilet and he's got his pants all the way down and he's holding a shirt up and the dog's like, what the fuck? And then he like tells the other roommates and the other roommates are like, yo, I heard you pull your pants all the way down to pee when you go to the bathroom.

And then Pepe is like, yeah, it feels good, man. That's right. Feels good, man. Yeah. Yeah. And like that, the feels good man was like, did that make Pepe a cuck? Uh, what? Pulling his pants all the way down.

Yeah. No, it makes you. It feels good if it's like an assertive thing and he's not, you know, he's changing. That's alpha actually. Yeah. Yeah. Pull your pants all the way down. I've never done that in a bathroom.

No one ever did that. It was for special education. I think I did that when I was a little kid. Like as a joke. No. The LD kids would pull their pants all the way down. Little kids. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. So people know and look at their. They look at their. They're at school. They're at school. All right. All the LD kids.

Come to the auditorium. Yeah. We got to check out your wieners. I'm sorry. But your son has a pissing disability. Yeah. LD. Yeah.

No. But yeah, no, there's somebody posted on Twitter a picture like some black eye to your. His pants all the way down. His ankles in the caption was just, is this legal? That does provide an interesting legal conundrum. Yeah. It must be. Yeah.

I don't know. Cause you're exposing your ass unnecessarily. You need like a courtroom drama about it called a time to piss. Now I want you to imagine. That urinal was what? Let's get suited and write that screenplay. All right. Order some fucking.

You know what I mean? Yeah. We got to make the pilot over the time to piss. I'll go and yell. Are you fiending? For what? For, you know, a little bit of why? I don't know.

You just kept mentioning that you were fiending for it earlier. You said earlier. I never said you said you would suck a dick. Yeah. You said you did suck it. You said you would suck a dick to kill the time until your cocaine arrived. I'm so bored right now I could suck a dick. I wish I had cocaine to go with this dick that I'm sucking.

I wouldn't suck a dick for cocaine. I'd suck it for the, for DSA, for social. I'd suck a dick for the DSA. Yeah, exactly. I'd suck a dick for Bernie in a second. Now imagine Bernie's not involved. Would you just suck a dick? No, no.

I just wanted to suck a dick to make the world a better place. What if a hot-ass guy with a beautiful brown dick comes out? He's in Arawan right now. In Arawan right now? Did you blow a guy in the kombucha aisle? I would blow a guy if I needed another $6 bulletproof coffee. Hell yeah. Yeah, I'm addicted to them shits, dude.

I can't go back to drinking butterless coffee. I used to make them every morning. If you could set up a little sample station in there that's just high quality, some kind of animal semen. The semen wouldn't be real. It would be fake. Oh, at the coffee station? There's antioxidants in it.

At the coffee station, they have these little vials, and there are these two guys that bought them and they were sipping on them, and I'm like, what are those? And they're like, it's minerals from the ocean, and I'm like, is it good? They're like, no, it's just, we're just drinking seawater. They put like, just seawater in vials and then sold them for $10. Yeah, those people were snake oil salesmen. You're not supposed to drink salt water. I know.

You should set that up though. The little comm station? Yeah. You ever see that video of Christian drinking his own com with the Fanta? Yeah, of course. No, you haven't. You sent it to us. I did.

I think I did send it to you. I haven't looked at it. Would he drink it with Fanta? He drinks it with Fanta because he couldn't find chocolate syrup. You should try it with different things. Yeah. Well, he drinks it out of like one of those like... Triamintic.

Well, I don't know what that is. It was like robotizing coffee. Yeah. Yeah. If you had the... Is that the name for those? Triamintic is just another cough syrup. Oh, okay.

If you had to ingest semen somehow, what would you mix it in with? Or would you just do it? Other com. Like what the... Even more juice. Just lots of juice. Yeah, I would just, you know, just drink it. Quick shot?

Yeah, right. I'd probably put in some tapioca pudding. No, that seems so much worse. That is more com. You eat it. Yeah, but you don't know, you know... You get it over with. I just thought.

Like do you eat mushrooms a lot, probably, Andy, right? Well, I don't do anything now, but I used to. Yeah. I'm like sober now. Yeah, I mean... Me too. Me too. Now I...

No, I used to just eat. I didn't mind the flavor of mushrooms. You just fucking eat it. I never understood people. People are saying it's the worst thing in the world. They're like so gross. It tastes like dirt. Yeah, it's like vaguely sour taste.

Yeah. I just put them shits in a little peanut butter sandwich. Yeah, but you're a morbidly obese person. I just kind of want to eat. You put every... You put peanut butter sandwiches in a little peanut butter sandwich. Yeah, I never... Like the first time I did mushrooms, somebody was like, they're so gross.

I'm very gross, thank you. And then I took a bite and I was like, these don't taste like anything else. Yeah, yeah. It's just drugs. Tastes like a dry-up. That's the main... That's the number one drug I miss. Mushrooms?

Mushrooms, yeah. More than acid? I never did acid. Oh, acid's way better. Yeah. Yeah. I wanna... It'd be cool to relapse on acid.

Yeah. Relapse, because actually psychedelics like acid have been used to treat addiction. Well, I did think about for a while getting off my antidepressants and just microdosing. Well, I know this. But I don't know anybody who's successfully done it. I know a dude who works on Wall Street and he microdoses three days a week. And he seems like he's doing great. That's what Wall Street 2 is about, right?

Money never sleeps. Do you guys know anybody... Has he ever done that one with eba game? Do you know that one? No. It's like a crazy ass... It's like a four-day trip. Or with that grocery store.

Probably. But no, it's like you have to be like monitored and then you like... You like... It's like it gets people to kick heroin. Holy shit. Yeah. What do you think about that, Adam? I didn't think to do that.

No, no. Oh, look at... Oh, Adam's pissing with his fucking... Adam's... I just saw his fucking... Yeah, I saw the fucking ass fist. His ball... His ball, say.

I do it with my hands all the way. Yes, you can, dude. You gotta pull your shirt up. Yeah, pull your shirt up. There you go. Oh, nice, dude. Oh, man. He's got a cute butt.

You do have a cute little butt. You literally do have a woman's ass. Yeah. I could fuck you in the ass, no problem. Seriously. Like, I'm kind of attracted. If there was a peanut butter sandwich involved, I'd fuck that ass. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I did your ass with a fucking peanut butter sandwich. I don't get what everybody says about eating ass. You know, it just tastes like dirt. Yeah. Personally, I like to put hot foams in the ass and then suck them out of the asshole. Nothing. That would probably create a pretty weird trip, I'd imagine. Yeah, you would just put your head up.

Yeah. That's why I don't like mushrooms, because every time I've been on mushrooms, the best I feel is, like, good for me. I'm not freaking out right now. Right, right, right. Honestly, I'm so over mushrooms. Let's look. Really?

I like them, dude. Yeah, I'm a fan. Really? They're not therapeutic. They're not therapeutic as someone that doesn't drink is so chill. I did blow. I've only done blow twice, but only once, really. And I was not drinking.

We're in Vegas? It was in Vegas. Yeah, it was for the writer's room that I was in. We had the end of the season party. We had the hotel room from the hangover room. What was this? I thought you were sober when I met you. I just didn't drink.

And then I actually did drink a little bit, but I never was great at drinking. So you fell off the wagon. In DC, yeah. I started dabbling. It never got bad. That's the rare guy who dabbles and it doesn't get great. It got sad. I couldn't do stand up at all with any amount of alcohol in me.

Oh, wow. Yeah, it was so weird. I can't do stand up remotely high. I did stand up for so long. I actually, I've been talking about this a lot lately. My career has taken a real dip since I quit smoking weed. All I did was smoke weed. I did my comedy.

My half hour was I was high. Really? Yeah, my Conan. I was high. Jesus. I was all the time high. And then I quit and people were like, the square. Get him out of here.

Just pretend to smoke weed. Oh my God, dude. Dude, I'm so fucking pissed. You know, Doug Benson's never smoked weed? Yeah, dude. I heard. Really? There are Benson's truthers out there.

I went on the 311 cruise with Doug Benson. Yeah, Doug Benson doesn't inhale. I went to Jamaica with 311 and Doug Benson. That's amazing. I want to go on tour with Insane Clown Posse and then just pretend to drink the Faggo the whole time. Just push it back into the bottle and then they beat the shit out of me when they find out that I haven't actually been drinking the Faggo.

They call you a Faggo. Live come town at the Juggalo's. That would actually help the numbers probably. For sure. Yeah, there's so much love in the Juggalo's family. Because every comic, every fucking comic I know has thought they independently discovered the gathering of the Juggalo's and they're like, I'm going to get booked for this. Wait, they had comics.

They gathered. I know. The Hannibal's pretty sad. But I mean, years ago, I remember like seven years ago, numerous people were trying to get booked for the gathering of Juggalo's. All right. All right. It was after the...

It was after... Once SNL did a spoof of it, it's like obviously we all know. People were still being like, can you believe this? Right, right, right. Yeah. My first exposure to Insane Clown Posse was my stepsister's boyfriend like came brought a Insane Clown Posse DVD over to show. Yeah.

Hell yeah. You know, at 16, I was like very susceptible to... Like I probably could have been like, wow, this is cool. And I remember like five minutes in, I was like, this is incredibly fucking stupid. Yeah. You really dodged the bullet. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, that would have been awful. I would have loved Juggalo when you... There was a Juggalo kid at my high school. There was just one. Yeah. Vegas seems like a good home for some time. Yeah. Yeah.

There was one. His name was Phil. He used to come up to me and my friend Alex and he'd just go like, see how bitch Hitler was right. Then walk away. That's what he'd say. I was friends with somebody. I was like, well, you learned German.

Yeah. That's pretty impressive. Yeah. There was a lot of Juggalo's in fucking Maryland and fucking shitty ass, like kind of between Baltimore and Annapolis, that kind of region, that corridor. There was just a ton of fucking... Columbia, Maryland? No, not Columbia.

Fuck. What was that mall called? There was a horrible mall. I know what you're talking about. The one that has the hard rock at it now? The Anne Arundel Mills. Yeah. No, Arundel Mills.

Yeah. There was another one. There was even shittier. What the fuck was it called? Anyway, I wanted to just see a fucking... They just had Juggalo stands everywhere and it was like... What are Juggalo's stands? It was like a vending machine.

A vending machine? A soda machine? Oh, they'd sell you like a shirt that was like way too long and had a clown face on it. Exactly. Ready to smoke batteries? Today's Sovina... They're timed and ready to go. Sovina, I saw a claw machine on Fairfax with a group of Asian children huddled around.

That was like a claw machine just for Yeezy shoes. Really? And they were just putting their popping quarters in to like win a Yeezy shoe. It was clearly a scam. I don't understand why people were... So, like, you can get the nicest fake Yeezy's for like $30. Oh, I have fake Yeezy's. Yeah.

How much did you pay for them? My friend got them for $20. New Jersey? No, New Jersey. Oh, really? Yeah. They don't look that good. No, they suck.

They're bad. Plus, also, the other Adidas, like, the other just boosts are just as cool, if not cooler looking than that. I agree. I don't think Yeezy's is that good. Yeah, I like the Ultra Boosts. Ultra Boosts are kind of weird looking. But some of the ones I just got are sick.

The Enikis, they look like samba's at the top and boosts on the bottom. Is that something in Greek? Yes, the N-word. Is it? No, it doesn't mean anything. What's the N-word in Greek? There's no real N-word. We just say...

It's Yanis Antotokoumple. How dare you? What do you say to, like, what do you call refugees? Just the regular N-word. Oh, really? But the Greek people learn the N-word to call serious men. I guess in China, the N-word is like a real, like, common word. It means, like...

Oh, yeah, it's a follow-up word. Yeah, in Mandarin, yeah. Yeah. My friend went there. Yeah, they did a lot. And my friend went there. It's like yada, yada, yada. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, boy. We all want to real bad. That's what that... You can do it. You're speaking Mandarin. It's actually cultural and good. Yeah, it's a cultural exchange.

The Trinidad James song. All gold, everything. It's in Mandarin Chinese. He's just saying yada, yada, yada, yada. All gold, everything refers to, like, the cat that waves at you at the front of the restaurant. Also, that song, Bruno Mars straight up just stole that from him. And everyone... Don't believe me, just watch.

Who cares, fuck. I care, that's not... I've seen a dead James. All right. But isn't that what popular music is? Is somebody stealing a hook and repeating it over and over? He just stole, like... Yeah, like, what's the...

What was the Robin Thicke song? Yeah. Oh, yeah. That was just, like, five different songs. We all forgave it, because we saw Emily Rajatowski's cities. Because Emily Rajatowski's cities, yeah. I beat off that video so many times. It was life-changing.

You could... It's just the most beat-offable video of all time. And... You beat off to the little Wayne parts. Yeah. Well, it was tough, because you didn't want to come when you're making eye contact. You beat off to the eye contact, right? Yeah, yeah, you didn't want to...

Yeah, I don't think... I don't think... That was... The controversy surrounding that video was when I was like, I don't want to live in this world anymore. Yeah. What was the controversy? Because it was like...

The song was, like, rapey. I think that was the first time I heard the term rapey. Mm-hmm. And I was like... What was it? Because, like, the lyrics are like... It's called Blurred Lines. The lyrics are like...

I want to fuck your pussy. Yeah, it's like... I'm gonna have sex with you, bitch. Even though... Well, no, it's like... I can kind of tell you want to fuck... That's what Blurred Lines are. It's like, you know...

It's because you're drunk. Yeah. It's like consent. I've never asked for consent. For that world, that's probably how things go out there. Like, there's no feminist running around, like, in Budakon, in fucking Vegas, I don't think. In Vegas, dude.

What's Budakon? Or is it Hakasan? Hakasan. What's Hakasan? It's like the club, Ultra Club, Ultra Lounge, you know... You know, like Diplo and fucking Tiesto and all those people. Have you been to a Vegas club before? At what times?

At what times? I will go out to Vegas and I will pay for bottle service, even though I don't drink. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is the funnest shit. You can smoke. You can smoke right there, yeah. You can smoke and you get a private area

that nobody else is allowed in, but you can invite girls in. And it's like, it's just fun. You put on fucking... I mean, people don't wear suits anymore. Yeah, you put on a stripy shirt. Well, everybody dresses now like they're on, like, Melrose or Fairfax. You know, it's all, like, Xanaro pants. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's all hype-y shirts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We gotta put on suits, boys. You know? That's why you gotta go to Galveston. Swag is for boys. That's the new vague. Or no, a prim.

You saw that video. You gotta go to Prim, Nevada. Oh, yo, state line? Yeah, yeah, good. Go do some outlet shopping? Yeah. Oh, hell yeah. Ride that roller coaster?

Fuck yeah. Let's go to the Bunny Ranch. You guys want to go to the Bunny Ranch together? I don't know, dude. That sounds far away. That sounds... Extremely sexist. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Prostitution is legal. It's not legal. Excuse me. I don't want to go... It is. Exploit women. No, no, no. It's the only...

But you can call girl, right? Yeah, yeah, but it's not legal. Oh, really? What? Prostitution is legal in every county in Nevada except Clark County, which is where Vegas is. Which is where Vegas is. Yeah. So have you ever fucked a prostitute in Vegas?

No. I was driving through Nevada one time and I was in the middle of fucking Delaware and there was a sign... It's just the desert. Yeah. There's a sign on the side of the road just spray-painted brothel and it's pointing down the road to two trailers at the end of a dirt road. And it was like...

It's like in McCabe and Mrs. Miller. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Oh, what? Chippies? What do they call them? Chippies? He's just bought a couple fat bitches at the beginning of that movie.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, I want to buy four Chippies. What movie? What's that? What movie? McCabe and Mrs. Miller. I've never seen it. I've never seen it.

Is it good? It's great. Oh, it's one of the best. Yeah, one of the best movies. I love it when I find out about a movie like that. That's a really good one. Have you ever seen Men in Blind? Leonard Cohen.

Nah, dude. It's just MIB3. Yeah, it's pretty cool. What if I was only side MIB3 and I was like, man, I wish they would have made more of the... Yeah, I want to know the prequels. What happened before? They should have done prequels.

It's like you got your memory erased. That's just an allegory for ICE, though, that all that movie is. The immigration shit. Yeah, it's propaganda. But they're like cool. Yeah. They're not like super... Well, that's what I'm saying, man.

They are cool. They just want to keep out the bad hombres. Except one. Vincent D'Onofrio, meaning the Italians. The Italians are bugs. First we let them in, then we let everyone else in. He also, there was Men in Black 4, and it's just clearly the Trump administration's propaganda. That was an amazing performance by D'Onofrio, by the way.

Disgusting. When he was the bug guy in that... I have a glass of water. He was really good. D'Onofrio's a really weird guy. He got the Oscar for that that year. Yeah, he did. Best actor.

Best bug guy. Bug actor. They made a special category. Best guy in Men in Black. He was good in Apocalypse now, or Full Metal Jacket. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Best good actor. See, fucking Law & Order, criminal intent.

He carried that bitch for like six years, dude. Law & Order, you can watch. I was in Law & Order. I was on an episode. I played... In New York? Yeah, I played a juror in a gay homophobic... Were you background or...

Yeah, background. There was a homophobic hate crime. Nice. He got prosecuted. Did you vote not guilty? Yeah, I was like the juror that would like... I was like hanging on. Oh, this guy didn't do it.

This guy didn't do it. Oh, so it was like a speaking role. No, no, no. Do you imagine that? I just took that into it. I had to tell him multiple times just to stop saying... I was the background on... Not guilty!

I was the background on Blue Bloods. Oh, really? And yeah, I've told this story on the show before, but I met Donnie Wahlberg. And there was a guy... There was this old black guy who was like just in everybody's ear the whole day. Like a career background guy. Oh, those are the worst. Career background people might be the saddest.

Well, you know, I'm a professional actor. You know, he's like telling some poor girl that he like cornered. Yeah. And he's like... You know, I mean, there was... You know, some people say... And I was just in and out hearing him, but you know, stuff like... You know, and I told her, you know...

Okay, that's fine. Say whatever you want. But next time, you're going to be working for me. You know, like just fucking stuff. And he's 62. Yeah. That's like all those people that Tim and Eric would get to kind of be like those and those people who are just like...

Desperate. Desperate. I'll tell you a story after we finish with this in that regard. Remind me. Okay. I don't want to fucking... Oh, come on. No, I'm not doing it.

It's fucking... That's cool. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, this guy was going off saying about how him and Donnie Wahlberg are like friends or whatever. And then Donnie Wahlberg walks by and he goes, Hey, good morning, Donnie. And Donnie Wahlberg just looks at him.

He's like, I've been seeing too much of you around here, Lawrence. And fucking just walks away. He's like... Donnie Wahlberg, man. That guy, he's had a rough one. Yeah. Has he? Well, he was NKOTB.

He beat up a few of the me's right after he saw Lawrence. No. Donnie was the normal one. But he was NKOTB, I think then he got into drugs. Because he's only had like... He had blue bloods and then he had... What? Saving Private Ryan.

Ransom. Ransom. Oh yeah, I guess he's had some good roles. Yeah, he's been... Yeah, he's been... Wahlbergers. They won the Emmy for that. Yeah.

No, Donnie's a great actor. Donnie's a better actor than Mark Wahlberg. Really? Oh yeah, absolutely. All right. It's just Mark Wahlberg has better star quality and that's like... I mean, you know, we talked about... Yeah, I'm kind of like the Mark Wahlberg of the podcast.

Yeah. Maybe they're technically better podcasters, but I'm just fucking a leading man. You're the other... He's like the Kramer. He says the N word. Yeah, I'm the Kramer of the podcast. You're Elaine. I'm Elaine.

Yeah, you're the fucking girl. But in this version of Seinfeld, they all fuck Elaine every time. Jesus. Wow. You get to be Jerry. Hell yeah, dude. I'll take it. Are you guys really ramp this up when we have a guest?

Yeah. Shut up, bitch. Is this how it always is? Or like when you guys do it in New York, is there like a more formal studio? No. No, it's always like... We hang out on my phone. I listen to Come Town and so I was always, you know...

Yeah, we usually just hang out one day. Well, we usually do the Anthony Kumi Studios on top of the Empire State Building. We're in an anecdote about background guys. Oh, there was this insane guy in Austin, this guy that would do open mics. And the first time I saw him, this guy David, I thought he was doing a character. And I was like dying laughing because it was so fucking funny. He like gets on stage and he kind of looks like... What's the...

What's David Arquette? And he's got like... He sort of like resembles him a little bit, but he's got this like thousand yard stare and he's got his like notes on the stool. And he's like... I read a news story about a high school basketball game where one team beat the other team a hundred to nothing. And they fired the coach of the team that won because he wouldn't apologize to the coach of the other team. And I mean, I just...

I think they should have fired the coach had lost. And he like checks his notes, just moves on. He goes to the next bit. When I started comedy, there was this crackhead named Mickey Wales that would come to the open mic. That's a great name. It's a comedy underground. Was it Christian Bale's character from the fight? Yeah, basically like a Puerto Rican version of that.

And he would bring his girlfriend. I think she probably was a pro and like also probably had some brain issues. Pro-comic? No, like a prostitute. They were like on the streets probably. There was a lot of riffraff that showed up at that open mic because it was in this like kind of part of town where a lot of homeless drug addicts hung out. Where was this? Seattle in Pioneer Square.

And he would come on stage and she would videotape every single one of his sets and he would always run the light. They would always have to play the music and cut the mic. At one point he had a bag and everybody was like, what the fuck is in the bag? And they cut the mic, they turned on the music, he pulled out a bullhorn and just kept on going. That's incredible. And that's how Occupy started. That was Occupy, yeah. Mickey Wales, dude?

Yeah. So David, the nut job, he moved to New York presumably to pursue comedy or something. But yeah, eventually he got into like background acting. Essential casting. Yeah, and then I'll just be watching Law and Order and then there's just this cop standing there, clearly in the shot. And it's like, that's just an insane man, I know. That's what they all are. And it just completely takes you out of it.

And when I was working on Comedy Knockout, I was like just hanging out like behind the set or whatever while the show was going on. And I look up in the stands and David's just in there. And like the audience. Yeah, that's another creepy thing. Because you get paid to go sit in audiences and if you go to enough sitcoms, you'll see people that it's their job. They just go and sit and they also participate because they get people to dance and do dumb tricks. And there's people that can do a funny dance and they'll go to like nine sitcoms in a day and just do this. I mean, they can't go nine because they take like four hours.

That's what I love that people don't realize about TV shows. The thing people like to point out is like all that laughter you're hearing, those are dead people. And it's like, well, it's worse when it's like people that are still here but just dead on the inside. People that are scamming the fucking disability. They have a fentanyl addiction. Hey, has anybody ever said come shot hurt around the world? That seems tight. No, that's yours.

Go to a mic. Did you see the original shot hurt around the world? Is that the Revolutionary War? Oh, yes. Lexington and Concord? Oh, I thought it was the assassination of the Archduke. Franz Ferdinand? But that happened after.

I think it was the Revolutionary War. And then it was the Giants Homer against the Dodgers and the Brooklyn Dodgers. No one gives a fuck about that. Was that Reggie Miller? Yeah, it was Laurent Giants. Yeah, it was like in the 40s. What are you doing? I got my hands real itchy.

I get like itchy palms, yeah. Were you fiending? A little bit, yeah. For what? Jacking off. Fuzzy? My hands itchy if I don't beat off. I think it's just like humidity or something.

I want to do a fucking intervention, but it's you and beating off. And you're jerking off while we're here. Stop it. We have to just strap you in that little cross thing. It's funny we were talking about sobriety earlier and like, you know, like people that, like the point of entry for being like a sober person is just that you stopped drinking. But like, you know, when we talk to Ian and shit and to say I'm an alcoholic and compare the things I've done to what Ian is, we have this buddy Ian and like the first time I like

hung out with him, he was like, you know, we started talking about being sober and he's like, yeah, I'm, which I don't do. I'm not like, I'm like a sober guy just happened to come up, you know, and he's like, yeah, I'm sober too. I got like, like a month and a half, you know, and yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, he's from Delaware. Oh, okay. Just total trash.

Yeah. Yeah. Horrible dumb hair, bad teeth. He looks stupid. Honesty. He looks like a cropped. Cracked out Paul Giamman. Yeah.

Yeah. He's like, yeah, I've got like a month and a half, I'm sober now, you know, and he's like, I was like, he was like, but you know, I was sober for a while before that and I was like, what happened? And he's like, you know, I was just in the airport bar and I was bored and I like had a beer and then, you know, and then like two weeks later I was trying to buy crack in a nightclub and I got robbed and I was drinking like fucking, yeah. He like.

A hand sanitizer and a bus station. A hand sanitizer and a bus station. I was like, what the fuck? Like that was, it wasn't two weeks. It was at, it was that same trip. Yeah. He started, he was. I kind of, I wish like, cause when I was a real drinker in college, like I would black

out and wake up in jail or just like, you know, like one time I woke up at a house party in like Tahoe and I had broken the toilet. Like, like. With karate. I don't know, but I was sitting in water and I woke up in the toilet, like the ceramic bowl was broken in half and I was like, uh, and I just left and it was like six, it was snowing outside. I was like in a T-shirt, but I was like, it's better than dealing with whatever I said.

Yeah. Yeah. Like that's how I used to drink, but I never did like that crazy. Like I had some crazy shit happen in like Central America, but it was never like. Oh shit. I did smoke crack. So you were in the CIA. Oh nice.

Yeah. I killed that guy. Yeah. I was in the school of America. I was the guy who invented Norton software. Yeah. Yeah. Macavie.

Macavie. I killed him. John Macavie. Yeah. Dude, when'd you smoke crack? In Belize. These guys, we're on this island called. Belize that.

Belize. You better Belize it. Blue streak. Belize is super fucked up. Belize it. Yeah. It's like a war, like like Belize city, like is where you fly in and then you go to a cruise ship or one of these islands that are just basically like barrier islands, like really

thin strips of sand that are built on the coral bed. Well, they're natural, but like Belize city is like, they all they, they got cable in Belize and everybody just saw gangster rap and it's like, it's like Jamaica. It's like everybody's like, yeah, people kill each other all the time and like there's guns everywhere. Why were you in Belize? Just because it's right next to Guatemala and I was doing like a language program. And basically that's what we want to create with the DSA.

Yeah. Yeah, just, but with only why Belize is super weird cause it's got, it's an, it's an English colony. So they got like Indian people, Chinese people, people that like descended from African slaves that literally escaped off the boat. They like jumped off slave ships and then like hidden the jungle, the card guard. And then um, lion people, which are like the people live there and then Amish people randomly. There's hella Amish.

Really? Yeah. That came from like Canada and Ohio. It's been an experiment in diversity and it's completely failed. It's, it's, it's what Breitbart bases there. It's interesting. Yeah. It's very interesting.

Every asterisk in a Breitbart article just leads to Belize. No, but it's like, it's bizarre cause like if you go to Belize city, like you can't walk around at night. Yeah. El Salvador is scarier. Yeah. But you can go parts of Los Angeles. You can't walk around.

No, but this is different. Like you just get killed. In Los Angeles, you'd get robbed, you might get beat up, but they would just kill it. Like life is cheap. It's like Rio, you know, like where like people, yeah, it's that kind of shit. But anyways, we were, we bought some weed from these Rostas on Keacocker and legalize it. Then the second time they sold us.

What's Keacocker, an app? It's an island. Oh, okay. Um, and then the second time they, I would imagine it, it sounds like an app. Yeah. I mean, it's like, were you like you buy Coke, but also meet other gay guys? Yeah. Keacocker.

So you get it. Yeah. Well, we met on Keacocker. Uh, no, it's a, it's just like a little, like it's like a three mile long, maybe like 200 yards wide island. Um, it's beautiful, but so we bought weed the second time and the sack was like really short and we were like, come on, man, like, and the guy was like, shut up, boy. And you know, like just telling us to fuck off and we kept on persisting like, nah, come

on, we've been cool. And he goes, okay, I'm going to, I'm going to roll up the expensive smoke. We're like, okay, cool. And then we're in this bar and he like rolled a joint across the room and then he was like, come over here and we like hit it. And I was like, this, this isn't like weed at all. There's no weed in this. It's just like tobacco and something that tastes like marshmallows.

And I took it one more and then I was like, what the fuck is this? And he's like, it's when you cook the cocaine up in a rock. All right. Yeah. And I stopped and my friends kept smoking it and I was like, what are you doing? And they're like, well, we already smoked a little crack. But the problem was like crack it like the, like it's a bullshit. It's not like worse than cocaine.

No. It's just that poor people do it. So it ruined cocaine. Yeah. It's like the Rockefeller laws made it seem like this like horrible thing where like if you were like literally like a banker that got caught with a kilo, you went like to 30 days in like counseling. But if you got caught with like one crack rock, they're like, you have to go to jail

and your mom, you know, because you tried saving money. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's terrible. Yeah. Do you want to play the speech from traffic that Toe for Grace said real quick? Is that the, uh, yeah, hold on. I'm Toe for Grace and I was the worst Spider-Man was the one he gets to Michael Douglas. Toe for the Boy. I'm trying to remember lines from that 70s show and I can't remember if anyone ever

catchphrased. Oh yeah. Laura, you fucking redheaded bitch. Yeah. That's it. That's it. There you go. Laura.

Hercules should have been on every show. And Danny Masterson was just like beating up chicks. Yeah. Yeah. Is he a Scientology? Being a Scientology. Yeah. But he also is like in trouble because he like apparently beat up some women.

Yeah. Blue. Danny Masterson, the white frodo. Who did they beat up? Who did he beat up? Just some broads that were asking for it. Yeah. I don't know.

You already told her twice. That classic. All right, we can riff for eight more minutes on that 70s show. All right. Fez. You know how like they were all smoking weed? Foreign exchange student. That's what that stood for.

Oh really? Yeah. They named him that at Ellis Island. Man. Fez fucked. Whose girlfriend? Some like big toothy bitch? Yeah.

I don't know. Didn't everybody fuck the sister? The hot sister? Yeah. No. Kelso fucked her. Oh. The hot sister?

Also? Dona? No. Dona was an asshole. Was Dona the one from oranges and a black girl? Yeah. Laura Preppon. Yeah.

She's looking good. Yeah. I wanted to fuck her. I think she looked better. Based on what she said. I don't know. She's kind of masculine. Yeah.

Was she gay now? She's not. Well, she's not very attractive to me. What? She's got a manly... Is that your shit? Is this stuff? Like a girl that can take it?

He likes a broad shoulder to woman. He stops into trans women. Really? Yeah. I've talked about being open to the idea. Okay. But I have not sucked any trans... He's trans curious.

I'm trans curious. Okay. Yeah. Me and Enoch hit the town. Which, to be honest with you, makes me a little uncomfortable wrestling with you. I'm trying to see that little dick, dude. Why? Like we do.

But you're not trans. Because the loser has to kiss. Yeah. That's why. The loser puts a wig on. All these rules. He puts a wig on and makeup on. And I keep winning.

Because I keep having to take hormones. Yeah. Fucking up my emotions. I got PMS all the time now. You're lactating. Yeah. I don't know how to drive anymore. Really?

It turns you into an Asian person? Yeah. Oh, our Lyft driver. How funny was she, dude? Our Lyft driver, she's like, hey, Koreatown, you could set up a lawn chair in front of the Ralphs with a glass of wine and just watch them drive. She's like, was this an old black lady? Yeah.

She was on her way to church. Yeah. She ruled. We were talking about Michael Jackson. She was awesome. She literally was like, be careful in Koreatown. We were like, oh fuck, is it dangerous? We had no idea what she was talking about.

She was like, nah, they can't drive. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Beautiful. I just drove her driver, take me back to Koreatown, and he was like, yeah, you come down here at night. Sometimes I like to avoid this area because the Chinese people, they can't drink. They don't know how to drink.

It's okay, way too drunk because it's not in their culture or whatever, but they have one, two drink and they pee themselves and they get fights and stuff. I was like, all right, man, keep going. It is actually like, you can get like, there's a lot of robberies in Koreatown. Yeah. Like, yeah, like, because I think there's how like MS-13 and shit like that. Yeah. Chinese go alcohol mad too.

Yeah. Become crippled. Yeah. Yeah. And that's what keeps it just the karate. Like that. We're still on it. Yeah.

Yeah. All the Chinese live in Koreatown. Yeah. Yeah. It unleashes their karate skills. Which ones? If you have it. You know, in Koreatown, there's a little Bangladesh too.

Oh, really? That's true. They have like a little, every type of Asian here. It's so cool. I mean, I think it is. I think it's weird though because they're already tiny countries. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. But little Armenia, like that's already a tiny country. Yeah. Well, it doesn't. Like Chinatown in New York is enormous and it's like, that's enough. You know? We don't, like Koreatown is like mostly just like four restaurants in a bubble tea place. In Midtown.

Yeah. Yeah. It's 30 seconds. But no, it's just one. But in Queens, there's a huge, that's the real Koreatown. Yeah. Well, no, there's a, but there's a Chinatown. Flushing.

Flushing. That's Chinatown, Chinese, right? And Chinese in Korea. And then Brooklyn has a Chinatown that nobody goes to. Really? Yeah. No, it says at Park. I go there all the time.

Yeah. Oh, that's where you took us to get those bullshit dumplings. It was really good. One time I fell asleep on like the Chinatown. I survived off of that fucking, the, Christine's, Vanessa's dumpling. Oh, Vanessa's. It's closed around the block. No.

Oh, no, Vanessa's is open. Sunshine dumpling is closed. No, the best place is on, the best dumpling, like cheap dumplings place. Yonkers. You just got to take the metro north. You go all the way to China. For that authentic, uh, no. You got to find Eastern Chinese air.

It's, it's this place, and I forget the name. It's called like fried dumpling or whatever, but it's on Moscow and between Mont and Mulberry. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And it was featured in that show, The Night Of. Oh, yeah.

And then the crazy old lady that runs the place, they just let her be in the show. Yeah, that's cool. So, yeah, tomorrow is like four dumplings. They didn't even pay for it. Yeah, five minutes. I'm sorry. Yo, no joke. There were some good ass dumplings in Vermont.

Some of the best dumplings I've ever had in my life. Just some lady. They just had like squash in them. Nah, dude. It was straight Chinese shit. She was like, just one random Chinese lady in a little fucking kiosk outside of, it was like by Vermont comedy club. If you ever do that, look for the dumpling lady.

Yeah. If you listen in Vermont comedy club. I'm actually wearing the shirt. Yeah, you're wearing the shirt. Um, what is it? There's a goat. There's like a satanic comedy club. It's a cow unicorn.

I don't know what it is, but it was. It's bad. Cow, yeah. Did you eat hella Ben and Jerry's when you were up there? I wanted to go to the factory so bad. I went with my dad one time. We like took our faces and like the, you know, cut out. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We got pictures. Hell yeah, dude. I wanted to go so bad. You know, they take you to a bullshit factory. Who's the top and who's the bottom? Yeah. And what? Ben and Jerry.

Uh, they're 69. They're 69. What, what do they do? They're egalitarians. They actually make that, they churn the ice cream in each other's assholes. A lot of people don't know that. It's like, uh, two, two girls, one cup. Like they, that's one of the flavors.

They have a secret freezer in their house filled with flavors that only they know about. They're two of the most successful boyfriends, I think in history, probably. But besides, they are boyfriends. Siegfried and Roy. No, Siegfried and Roy Ben and Jerry, Mario and Luigi. They're dead heads. Do you think Mario and Luigi fuck? Yeah.

For sure. Yeah. The cover story is that they're brothers, but you know, you know Mario's not fucking that princess. Yeah. He's had so many opportunities. He's fucking that mushroom. Yeah.

He's getting it from Toad. He's pegging that mushroom up his head. He has a dick, but he puts on his strap on to fuck the mushrooms. That's how I fucked, dude. Whipp it on. I was a little virgin. You know what I mean? No, I can't give away my penis until marriage, so I just strap on.

I'm a virgin, but I eat hella ass. There's gotta be a dude out there doing that. A fun cartoon would be Toad for Mario Brothers dead and suffocated inside of a condom. Stretched over his entire body, but just with the indentation over his mouth where he's trying to suck in for air and he can't. When you come town heads. That would be fun. What do you call it?

Get that fan art. It would be so funny because people will send fan art and it's like absolute shit. I drew that thing you asked me to and I'm like, I'm going to put this on the fridge. The gift of you guys fucking each other and me and the diaper jerking off. First of all, it's me fucking Nick. And it got our bodies so down. I mean, you're a lot fatter probably. No, it's the right bodies.

In fact, there was missing a couple muscles, but whatever. I mean, you are probably. You didn't get my fucking back. Nick was, you know, pretty proportional. How'd you get so buff? Just a lot of pussy eating. Really? A lot of, because if you do it right, you start from your sternum.

Because you want to, yeah, use your delts. I use my delts to eat pussy. Yeah. Well, I mean the amount of strength it takes to, like, emotional strength for him to get every morning. That's the real strength, I'd say. That's tough. Yeah.

It's tough to leave the hot girls in my bed to go do work. Well, I'll tell you what, boys, we're at the end and my ulcer's acting up. So. You got a ulcer? I get like a mat like a canker sore right on my fucking gum line. Oh, yeah. It's excruciating. Is that why you don't smoke cigarettes?

No, I just had a cigarette. Oh, okay. That's probably from smoking. Your canker stores are just a virus. That's all they are. No, it's like stress related. Ulcer. Oh, okay.

Yeah, but it comes, but yeah. You've had them your whole life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hate canker stores. Yeah, it sucks. It sucks. But yeah, thanks for being on the show. Thanks, Eddie.

Thanks for having me. I'm Brandon Wardell. Do you have anything you want to plug, I guess? Nah. Nah, yeah. That's how it goes. Thanks for having me.