The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - 9

3, 4... Okay, here we go... Episode 9? No, it's episode 9. Really? I think it's episode 9. This is a big one. We've got Jimbo.

Really weird starting a podcast. I hate starting a broadcast. Well, I'm alive. Thank you for listening. I never know what to say. Yeah, no, it's weird. Especially because the stakes are so low with him. You know what's funny?

We're going to criticize the same guys. We're going to criticize the same guys. We're going to criticize the same retard on here. Which I don't think we actually did. I've said it a lot. No, because somebody criticized the same retard before we actually said it in two episodes. Oh, really?

They just assumed we did, which is fair. Fair assumption. Like a preemptive criticism. It makes sense. When you guys say that, it's going to bother me. But, you know, I've always been like, We're going to criticize the same guy. We're going to criticize the same guy.

Some guy came up to us, and he was like, I really, really like the podcast. And I was like, oh, shit, we shouldn't be saying that word. Yeah, our fans. We're offending our fans. Yeah, you'd be surprised.

No matter what group you think, they don't listen. Like fucking eight of them come up to you to show you, Oh my God, I can't believe I made fun of one leg of Jews. Why would I do that? You can't, so you have to just kind of write it off and go, I'm gonna bother some people saying this because there's no way they're never gonna hear you. Yeah.

Have you had a one-legged Jew experience? A lot. Yeah? That's cool. Do you get a lot of hate on Twitter and stuff? Oh yeah. Yeah, sure. But it is what it is.

I mean, it's funny with Twitter and social media because a lot of them come off like they're these hardcore critics and this and that, but it's like a lot of them are just literally, they need the same thing college students need with safe space. Yeah, right. Because they can't just come out

and they've gotten mad at me when I've said I despise their anonymity, I don't respect it. Because it's like, look, we're not in fucking communist China, all right? You're not criticizing the regime where you're gonna be thrown in jail. You just want the safe space. You wanna weigh in, but you don't wanna weigh in

as yourself. So I get a lot of it, but I kind of take it with a grain of salt. But it doesn't mean that it's not legit criticism either. Like I did the chip animation and some people really loved it and a lot of people hated it. And you have to weed through hateful comments.

Like, cause a lot of them are just being cunts, but some of them made great points. So you have to like weed through and go, okay, well that was a really smart criticism. They're right, this didn't capture Bob or whatever. You know what I mean? But let's say between reading that, you have to read, you're a fucking piece of shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like dude, all you had to say was this is why I didn't like it and I actually would have given weight to what you just said. Yeah. Well, I feel like, I mean, half of those people are just mad about that,

the schism though and a schism. Oh, that's a tremendous part of it. Yeah. I don't understand taking sides with like the end of two grown men's friendship. Yeah. It's a weird thing, you know, it's like, that's basically what it is to get divorced

and they're really mad. Well, dad gave me a better birthday last year. So I like his house more. They look at it like, and I can only speak from what I've heard from them. But a lot of them come from a place of like, this was a show that, it was a different fan base. It was a very aggressive fan base.

Yeah. Well, I remember when it was taunting. When I was a teenager, it was like, wasn't like a bit, like a pest bit to like blow a fucking air horn in like a local news reporter's ear. No, that was the one that ended that bit actually. They got sued, yeah.

He says, yeah, let's make somebody fucking deaf. Yeah, it was just about being stupid and getting their name out there. Yeah. And they're, when the show ended, people really did split down the middle because it was frustrating for them to see this thing that they love so much gone.

Like one day it was there, and one day it was gone. And then when Opie and myself didn't go with Anthony, that's when a lot of the anger came out. Like they were angry immediately that we didn't quit. Yeah, right. Which contractually we couldn't have. We would have gotten sued by Sirius. And then when we re-upped with Sirius

and didn't go with Ant, I always kind of held out a secret hope that there would be some kind of reconciliation. But as time went on, it became apparent that it would not be. But the thing I don't understand about the side-taking thing is like, have you never had a group of friends in your life? I mean, everybody, anybody I know knows somebody

that, or knows two different people that fucking hate each other. Sure. And they can be friends with both of them. And that's like a social dynamic that everyone has to navigate. And then these people just don't understand that. I think what bothers them is they looked at it like,

these guys are very, and I mean, see these guys meaning me too, are very real people. They tell us how things are for them and they tell us what life is or how they see life. And then all of a sudden this, as you said, skizzing, this thing happens, and it's not the way they saw it.

They're like, these fucking guys were fake. They didn't tell us that they didn't like each other. They acted like everything was okay. To me, I mean, I was there every day. So I saw a lot of it. But there were things that came out afterwards that I wasn't even aware of. You know, I didn't know exactly how OP felt.

There were times where he said things were good and there were times where he said things were bad. So I think the fans, if I'm sitting there and I'm not 100% sure, like there's been a couple of things that have happened in the time since the show ended that surprised me. But then the fans also have to be realistic too. It's like Keith Richards and Mick Jagger

really don't like each other. You know, they kissed and didn't like each other for years. Ozzy and Sabbath, it didn't get along at one point. It's how it is in a creative collaboration. The difference is when you're hearing music, you're not hearing real opinions on a real-time daily basis. You're not hearing guys,

you're not hearing the fucking recording sessions with them yelling at each other. So it's just a different dynamic with talk radio, man. Fans get very attached to it. But the only thing that bothers me about the fans' reaction is the way they've kind of turned on the three of us. And it's like, man, we made you laugh for fucking 10 years.

The guys that hated us all along, that's different. But it's like all of a sudden to have such vitriolic anger towards guys that made you, like I've been pissed off at people who I enjoyed too. But I didn't get that vengefully angry at them. I guess it's kind of like a finding out, like wrestling is fake sort of thing. But it wasn't a fake dynamic.

It was, I mean, what you saw, I mean, we were trying to be funny. And there was a lot of it they saw before it ended too. But yeah, maybe it is along those lines. They just feel deceived to a certain point. But you know, it's like, I have to let more of my personal life hang out than fucking almost anybody in showbiz.

Like, what do you want? Like, that's what bothers me. It's like, what do you fucking guys want? Like, I've told you more about myself than most performers would have ever told you about themselves. I told you to be funny. I told you in times when there was a slow news day,

you know what I mean? I just started spitting shit out. Hey, sorry if I let you down. What do you want me to tell you? Yeah. Half of you don't even use your real names when you yell at us. I've told you things that most guys would never have told you.

That's like a funny comparison to like the band thing. You know, like I always have had a lot of respect for like the Brian Setzer Orchestra that he could manage all those people that that band didn't break up. You have that many people and they never had an issue. Well, they had never had a visible issue. I'm sure they had them.

Yeah. But you know, how many musicians are there in that band? I don't even know. It's a whole orchestra. Yeah. They've got that together. Do you think like Philharmonic orchestras have like first chair violin has a heroin problem?

Yeah. And the kick amount. And the fucks the tuba players? Yeah. The fucks the tuba players' wife? Yeah. It probably happens all the time and they just boot it and you never know.

It's just another jerk off in a tux. There's no attachment. There's no attachment to those people. So you'll never see them coming and going. Yeah. You know? Yeah. I would love to see a showboating like cello player.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You gotta keep it together. You get no more, I don't know, fucking, just comes in. Makeup. I don't just like spandex. See, I don't know shit about the orchestra. I'm sorry I took this in this direction. I'm really reaching here.

Yeah. I have no ties, violins. That's all I really understand. I had cello, that was it. Yeah. I had tuba. I don't think tubas are in orchestras, but I said it. I'm sure they're all once in a while.

Yeah. Maybe that's where the rift is. You know what I mean? Maybe one guy shows up with a tuba because he's better at that and they're like, we don't need this, whatever it just happened. That's how marching bands started. They literally walked out, just didn't stop, just kept going.

Sorry I'm clear on my throat so much, just fucking, I realize it's coffee that does it to me. It's not, I don't drink dairy at all, so it's like, ugh, that fucking thing you get, it's caffeine, I gotta quit caffeine. Yeah, you're like a big, you're like a diet and exercise guy now, right? Yeah, but I've been eating like shit lately,

so I get self-hatred immediately. So over like 10 years ago, you were never like fat, but you were like- I was, I was a fucking pig. You were fat, you were like round. I'll show you my driver's license photo. I was an oinker. I was like fucking, yeah.

I would say fat, yeah, as a fat man. I feel like I could, yeah. I was, I was like really? I was like, I was probably around the same weight you were, or like the same, like when I was like 17, I was like a little bit heavier, but I was like, I'm not fat. So, yeah, I don't know, what motivated that? When we were doing Tough Crowd back in like,

this was like 2002, me and Nick DiPallo had an argument in the, you know, in far be it from Nick to say something caustic, but we were in the writers room fighting. He's like, ah, you fat fuck. And when he said that, I was like, oh my God, that's something people use at me now when they're mad. I must have really put a lot of weight on it.

And I still fluctuated up and down for years after that. It was a couple of years ago, I just got sick of it. But I found, I was looking through my old hard drive last night, trying to find something to jerk off to that I'd saved. And I saw a picture of myself actually on camera with Janine Garofalo for the first Tough Crowd. I was so fucking fat.

We taped those first eight in November of 2002. And I remember, I think I was in four of the first eight and oh, was I fucking horrible. That was like almost at my fat. So it was probably like 175 at that point. I think I hit 181 at one point, if I remember right now. Yeah, that's kind of fat, I guess, yeah. Take that back.

That's hilarious, yeah. That would be pretty big. What was your, what was your fat guy vice? Did you have a specific thing that you did that you just went crazy on? Food, you mean? No, it was everything. So I quit smoking in 2001.

So I think that was where I just started eating more. And now I wasn't exercising. I was doing this thing for a long time when we got kicked off the radio, which was again, 2002, 2003, where I was watching the Sopranos and eating fruit until four in the morning. I'd go to the diner and get this giant fruit plate

with what comes with fruit cottage cheese. That's shit. And I didn't realize that that was all fattening and sugar. Fuck man. Well, that sucks. Wow, getting fat from fruit is horrific. That's the worst way to do it. That was just one way to do it.

I mean, there was other stuff I was eating there. That was just, I thought it was like thinking I was being healthy at two o'clock in the morning. Well, that is pretty healthy. Cottage cheese is like a great, you know, post-sleep or pre-sleep meal. Sugar keeps you up all night. It was really awful.

Yeah, the sugar. Yeah, I guess that's probably bad for you. I tried to get, I tried to be healthy by ordering a salad yesterday. And I was like, oh, like a chicken salad. And it was just like, I just ordered from a place I'd never gotten. It was like four pieces of lettuce

and just a chicken cutlet on top of it. And I was like, well, I guess I ate a salad today. Yeah, you gotta ask for grilled chicken. Yeah, you gotta ask. So I'm the white of vegan, tell me. You're fucking worse than me when I order. I'm horrible. I order everything exactly how I want it.

I went to Joe's by the stand at a fucking place. And I was like, could I get like just a chicken salad? And the guy was like, would like a, what do you mean like a chicken salad? I'm like, yeah, no, yeah, that's literally, yeah, that's what I said. Yeah, let me get a chicken salad. He's like, oh, okay, I guess.

And he was like, weird about it. I was like, what the fuck was that? And then they bring the, and it was chicken salad. It wasn't like a chicken salad with mayonnaise. And it was a giant scoop, like the size of a half of fucking basketball on the plate. And they're like, yeah, it's like $13. He thought I just wanted like a, you know,

three pounds of chicken salad. A handful of chickens. I'll just put it in my hand, please. I'll just take a fucking mayonnaise. No, you gotta ask for a regular salad and say I want grilled chicken on it. That's how you gotta order that. Cause chicken salad, they're bringing that fucking,

like you said, that scoop of mayo, it sucks. This is excellent content. I know, it really is. I know. We're just chatting about the fucking things. Three fucking hens. Yeah. Fetching about our weight.

Oh, I don't know. It goes right to my hips. I try the fruit salad. It's delightful. We really should be killed. Well, I don't know. I guess it's just weird to think that like, cause you seem like, you know, very like, not obsessive,

but like detail oriented and you got to schedule and you got to like, you know, keep things going all the time. So the weight fitness stuff and like the diet stuff makes sense in the context of your personality now. I don't, like, what was your thing before diet and exercise? I was up, I mean, you know, I was,

I, as much as I talk about escorts and stuff, I really don't do that much at this point. But back then, man, I was in stermanic depression. I was doing like fucking dominatrixes every night, escorts every night, to, you know, till three o'clock in the morning. We did afternoons when I was in an MEW. So I was not a morning person.

Right. I would have bed at six in the morning, seven in the morning, get up at two or three in the afternoon. Tough crowd taped at three. So we'd get the topics. I'd write the night before we, I'd get up at like noon at the fucking earliest and then kind of go sluggish to work.

So it's like, there was no time to exercise. After that, it'll be right to work and do gigs and up all night again. So now getting up in the morning kind of helps you be more regimented in life. So that's why I hate it, but I like it for that reason. I feel like a real person. Cause you quit drinking like young.

I was 18, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you regret that at all? No, no, no. Regret quitting. I do, I do. I've been sober for a couple of years and I don't know why.

I don't understand why I'm doing it. There's times where I was like, hey, smoke and power would be fun. But I learned from the people who, is that too loud that thing? No, I'm not. You sure? There's times where I crave it.

Like, wow, that'd be fun. But then I look at people who are wrecking their careers with it and I'm like, no, it wouldn't be. Cause I'm the guy who wrecks his career. Joe Rogan fucking eats pot and then practices jujitsu. I'm not that guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not the guy that fucking eats pot and then succeeds.

I'm the guy who smokes pot and does nothing. I don't really have a career to wreck. So, I mean, it's kind of just like, you know, I just haven't had fun in the last three and a half years. I guess things have gone better for me. Things are definitely better. You used to live with a clown rape victim from the army in a closet in Baltimore.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Remember that? That was your life. You worked at a, you were a part time, what were you, a telemarketer for a symphony? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, no, what? You don't think your life is better since you quit drinking?

No, no, I look worse for not knowing shit about the orchestra when I actually. Oh, yeah, you're a telemarketer. I worked for the Baltimore Symphony Orchestra. I was like a telefunder for them. I worked in the basement at nights and I would like call old people and beg them for money for the orchestra.

Oh my God. Yeah, and I lived with a, I lived with a clown that had PTSD from when he was raped in the army. So, he would like fucking wake up in the middle of the night, hyperventilating and screaming and throwing his clown shit all over the fucking, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, huh.

Yeah. Who raped him? Another clown, I guess. He was in clown college. There was other soldiers. That was the story, yeah. Wow. He rushed a clown fraternity and they raped him.

And it's shitty, I know, like, you know, believe victims or whatever, but I don't think it, it just didn't make sense. Yeah, there's times where victims are lying too. I mean, just because they're victims, or they say they're a victim. You know, everyone's not a victim just because they say they are.

Yeah, I mean, the story, the way he told it is like, he was coming out of surgery at like age 47 and he like, one of the orderlies in the hospital looked creepy and then he had like a flashback to like, oh yeah, when I was in the army, I got raped. But there's, you know, repressed memories is kind of like a bunk science.

A lot of that's just like the suggestion, you know, on the part of a therapist or whatever. It can be, yeah. Although I know cases where it's really come back, you know, where your mind shuts down and fucking, because you're protecting the person, protecting someone who abused you or whatever, or protecting yourself from it.

It's a good time for my fuck. You do that bit though, about your friend with the star, what was it, the Star Wars cards or the Star Wars toys? Oh yeah, my friend who got, I think molested by the fucking security guard and he pulled his dick out to show him that he didn't have any Star Wars, that's a true story.

He came back with the Star Wars Corvettes, white trash department store in New Jersey. And I just forgot it for years. But I didn't repress that or wipe it out. It might just be unpleasant or scary and I walked away from it. I wasn't the one who was abused. He didn't ask to see my dick.

He asked to see my friend's dick. Well, it's like the Satanic ritual abuse, like scandals in the 80s. You know, they have all these kids where they're like, and then did he, you know, like, and you can say no, but did he bend you over and fuck you in the ass and pull your hair, you know? And then the kid's like, yes,

they're just like playing with a truck and not even looking at the investigator. And like, most of those people recanted. But there was like, if you watch Capturing the Freedmen's, I think there's like one guy that's like, no, he did it. He's still convinced that it happened. Yeah, that's a very weird thing with repressed memories and childhood,

like the McMartin preschool. You know what I mean? It was a whole thing was a... I don't know that story. Oh, it's a really huge story. Look up the McMartin preschool with the power of suggestion. A bunch of kids said that these teachers molested them. In hindsight, it looks like they really didn't.

Yeah. Well, that's what, yeah, but this case, did you see Capturing the Freedmen's? I did, yeah. One of those guys was a comedy teller one night. Oh, really? One of the victims or one of the Freedmen's? One of the Freedmen's.

Oh. Okay. I think. Did you ask him if he did it? Don't remember. I don't remember. I mentioned him. It would be great if you just conspired

with everyone in there that was there that night to be like, he raped all of us. He came in and he raped everybody. He came to the cellar. I don't think we knew he was there when I was on. Or I don't remember if I knew he was on. God fucking did. Do you guys talk?

I'm gonna open my dryer, my washer thing, because that's gonna beep and annoy this shit out of me. Look at the, look at Mr. Where's Clothes over here. Yeah, it's got his own washer. Clothes, so how do you feel about this stuff? How's it going? Pretty good. I think, you know, we could pick it up probably.

I wanna ask about Dominatrix's probably next in a second. That would be a good idea. We could do that. Always talk more about Brachy. We probably could have gotten more into Baltimore. That weird period of time in Baltimore, where you were a big time alcoholic and you were... I mean, I was a big time alcoholic, you know,

for years probably. Yeah, well, that's, but I knew you then when you were... Yeah. You know, there's plenty of... This is a nice little mid-podcast check-in. It is a good mid-podcast check-in. This apartment is so nice. I'm like, just so relaxed.

We usually do it in your shitty office, you know, where I'm thinking about getting all that free cereal. That woman so badly wanted to kick me out. Oh, yeah, yeah. Excuse me, who are you here with? She asked me that like three times. They barely want me there. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Who is this? He has this fucking dumb job at this office in Midtown. So you can tell, I'm like... Yeah, I work for this company. They're trying to do a comedy, they're trying to launch a comedy site, but the rest of it is all clickbait.

Like they all do, you know, just the worst parts of the internet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're just, you know, ripping off anything that's successful. They just do their own version. And it makes, the sad part is that's what makes the most money.

It does, right? It's original content. It's just taking other ideas and retreading them. But most of the people there are just like, you know, it's coders, it's advertising people, it's like professional people, and it's like... Yeah, the company, the company is like, what are they, their main thing is like programmatic ad sales or something.

Yeah, exactly. It's an advertising company. And then, you know, I think what their main thing is they find like media outlets or websites and then they tailor like ad content for those sites. But then to make more money, they said, well, why don't we have our own proprietary sites and then put the ads on there. And then one of them is like an onion or like, yeah.

And then they're turning into comedy, but whatever. What matters is that most of the people that are, like, you know, real people with real fucking jobs and shit. And then we come in, everyone's around with dog t-shirts and Mullins wearing a Mountain Dew sleeveless T. And they're just trying to kick us out. We do the podcast there and it's like, clearly we don't belong there.

Clearly this is, you know, we're the people that are just working for the comedy site and doing a cum podcast in one of their conference rooms. But I'm surprised with the internet and stuff. There's so many people that work on it that don't wear a suit entirely. I'm surprised that I'm used to that dynamic of, you know, somebody who's a different or odd coming in.

I mean, it's just, it's not that uncommon with the fucking web. Yeah, well, it's mostly because like I'm screaming in the kitchen or whatever. She got mad at me because Adam said that like, Adam told this story about, he's like the other guy we do this podcast with. Adam was like watching, well fuck,

cause now his friends listen, I can't, I can't tell his story. Well, whatever. He said he overheard like some girl, he's watching like Game of Thrones with some girl and the episode ends and then the girl was like, it's just so cool that we like all get to be a part of this like cultural event together. It's like a cultural movement.

She's referring to Game of Thrones. It's like a cultural movement. And then, you know, we were like making fun of her in the kitchen or whatever. And I was like, yeah, like, you know how like, Dr. Martin Luther King wrote Game of Thrones and the receptionist is, it was like, she's like a black lady.

And I saw her like fucking snap and look at me as soon as I said Dr. Martin Luther King. You're just taking free cereal at six PM. You're loading up on their breakfast cereal that they have there and eating and drinking coffee. Oh, that's special K they have there. And she asked me like three times, she's like, who are you here with?

Does he know you're here? And it always kicked me out. I want to ask you this about, cause you know about like I guess, well prostitutes and stuff, cause somebody told me, do you know what Finn Dom is? Financial Elimination. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Somebody told me yesterday that that's not real. Like a grizzled vet, but there's no real market for it. But people do that for real. There are of course these guys that I used to date at Dominatrix. There are guys that love that. They are, they absolutely is real. I'm not saying it's a big fetish,

but there's a lot of guys that love opening their wallet. It's probably more wishful thinking on the part of the Dominatrixes too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But there are guys that love that type of humiliation. I don't get it at all. I don't do it. I think it's stupid.

Right. I'm tactile. You know, I need a fucking ass on my face. I got to smell it. That's how most people are. Yeah. It's coming. That's what I don't get about like when at Dominatrix,

it's like they just like treat you bad. And then look, do whatever you want at first. Treat me like shit, whatever. But at some point I want to come. Sure. That's where. Well at the end of the day with the Finn Dom shit, you're still beating off.

And if you're beating off, then it's like a fantasy. And then it's like, why don't you just fantasize about someone taking your money? It's not enough anymore. Keep the money. No, it's progressions. Not enough. How come you don't just drink one beer?

Well, because eight is what I need now. That's how it is with this shit. It doesn't feel good anymore. Got to keep up in the ante a little bit, a little bit. Got to do this. Finn Dom does nothing for me. I don't get it. I mean, I get it, but it's stupid to me.

Yeah. No, because there's this girl that hates Kurt, went after Kurt, who just like it's not job internet person. And she does Finn Dom now, I guess, because she couldn't get a job writing. But yeah, someone was telling me that there's no way that she actually has a job doing that, because no one will.

Well, she does financial domination. But online, where she just like texts you like, fuck you, pig. And then apparently men give her money for that. What? Yeah, it's a weird thing with there are guys that like to be, like if you would have told me at one point in my life that I would never get turned on by a woman putting her feet in my face while I jerked off, I would have thought you were

nutty. So you grew into feet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I never liked my ex-girlfriend who was Dominatrix, a beautiful size, eight feet. Never cared about them. I never. It was something that happened after.

Recent development. Yeah, it was one of those things where you just get bored and you move on. So financial domination is probably one of those things where guys who love just having hookers say open your wallet with Dominatrix and say open your fucking wallet worthless, lick my feet worthless.

Just a way of feeling worthless and used and shitty. Probably guys like judges and fucking hedge fund guys that get whatever they want. That's weird. And now I have to worry about that, that I might turn into one of those guys. My dad, at age like 60, got into trains. And it was so fucking embarrassing.

Hope you don't want to be the middle. Yeah. Two darker studs. Well, no, I'm really like, he's like 63rd birthday. And he's like, yeah, my wife took me up to some bullshit town in Pennsylvania to go see a train. And then he's like, got videos of the train on his phone. I swear to God, I thought you meant threesomes.

No, no. I swear to God, I thought you meant threesomes. Why would I be ashamed of that? It's more embarrassing to be into art. Yeah, look at that. Lionel trains, yeah. Yeah, no, if you came like a railroad fan at age 63, after like I had spent 15 years making fun of those people

on the internet. Your dad turned autistic at 63. And those are just in your genes. He just likes to look at trains. He just likes trains. Yeah, he likes enjoys looking at trains. Oh, man, one time I like, he used to wake up. So his wife doesn't let him do anything.

He's not allowed to have like France. And one time he used to wake up at like 3.45, 4 o'clock in the morning and like go out into like where his laptop is by the kitchen area in the apartment and like quietly look at model cars on eBay, like slot cars and stuff that he wasn't allowed to buy. His wife wouldn't let him have anything. But he would just look at these collectibles

that he would have if he could. But he had to sneak out into the computer area to do that. Why? I don't know, because it's life shit. You don't like her? No, she's great actually. She was a nightmare when I was a teenager. But like now that I'm an adult and she doesn't have

any control over me, she's a lot of fun. Right. She's like, we went to my grandmother's funeral like two months ago. And she's like, you know, well, I got to stop to get. And she gets those little like, you know, those tiny liquor bottles so she can get drunk at the funeral. Yeah.

She's yelling like, fuck you to everybody. And everything's like horrified. Oh, wow. This is funny. I think it's. Once you're out of it, it's fun to watch from a distance. Not my funeral. I don't give a shit.

Why ruin it? Is your dad embarrassed by her? Is he like one of those co-dependents who is like, oh, you know, she's just grieving, you know, or is he's. It's not. It was his mom. Yeah, it wasn't. He was the one who was grieving.

She was just drinking. So she's just being an asshole? I guess, yeah, a little bit. I don't know how he. I mean, they they're not, I mean, maybe they're happy. We fucking knows you've been together forever now. Right. At a certain point, it's like, what are you going to do?

Right. When you're like, you know, 60, whatever. Yeah. What are you going to start a new life? Yeah, it's hard when you're older. I feel bad for older women. I think older guys have a shot. We can always go out and find somebody.

Right. If you're like in your fucking late 50s or like 60s with two kids. You don't have a shot if you're like 63 years old and you just like trains. Yeah. Yeah, that does not have any money. You're just a guy who likes trains.

Yeah. Yeah, you're not she knocking a lot of pussy off the auction block when you fucking come with that. Yeah. The only woman he can fuck are the women that are tied up on the tracks rescue men. So usually we take a break right around now. You break on your podcast.

Yeah. Why do you break? Just because it like offers people like a split. If you do like a 30 minute chunk, people listen to 30 minutes. If they're like, I don't know, I bred it. Where are we at? Time was about 30 minutes.

OK, we'll take a quick break. Yeah. Sounds good. Take a quick break. Do you do any ads? No, we do like a Patreon where people can just like donate. It's like a monthly donation. Do they donate?

Yeah. Now we're getting like 90 bucks. That's nice. Yeah. My friends started a podcast like two months ago. And that's where I got the idea for the Patreon thing. And I checked yesterday to see how much money they're making off donations to their podcast.

And do you want to guess? Is it a good podcast? Yeah, it's a good podcast. $1,000 a month? No. It's just shy of like $8,000 a month. Wow. For like a podcast.

Off like donations. It's good. That's insane. I mean, well. If we were smart, because they provide services. Yeah, they do like they know about fucking serious. Journalism and shit like that. Yeah.

We're not like, we don't really know stuff. Yeah. We barely can keep a conversation going. Right, perfect. So we'll take a break. Sure. And then either, so here's the thing, either we'll decide like if we're having a good time,

we'll like continue or like we'll just get Adam for the second half. Oh, a teaser. So take a break and we'll be back. They say you can't say that. So you want to film right now? Well, Shasta McMasty is saying it. So you want to brokish?

Share me, sister. People say don't do that. Give them breast implants. We say do the McMasty. Shasta McMasty, the WWF speech show at Sidney Margolis Castar on the series premiere. You want to play in her sandbox? You're going to trade in that little digger

for a steam shuffle, baby. A full hour beginning at 8, 7 central, UPN Tuesday. Bitch. OK, we're back. And Jim Norton is gone. Stav's fault, mainly. He loved me. Yeah, no, we recorded a second half with Jim.

And then the recorder shut off because I didn't change the batteries. And I think there was like a rape override. We talked about rape for too long. We talked about a bunch of shit for too long. It was bad. Yeah, it was fucking terrible. It's probably better that it got erased, but it shut off.

And then I didn't know what to do, so I panicked and just pretended like it was still on for a while. That's right, because at the end, you were like, oh, no. It doesn't work. Yeah. But hopefully Jim won't listen to this. He won't find out. No chance he listens.

Yeah, of course not. I don't think he even knows the name of the podcast. Didn't ask. Didn't at all. Yeah. But yeah, no, we really fucked that one up. That was like a big. I know we should have done some work for us.

It was a big guess, and we kind of ruined it by. We had nothing prepared. We had nothing prepared. We just won't. Like less prepared than when we do it with you, Adam. You know what I mean? But we're friends. We can't be like, hey, Jim, do you know about Dr. Evil?

So all right, we're going to pretend that I'm Dr. Evil. And you need to react to it as if I actually were. I mean, what was just like, you didn't have anything to talk about with him, or? No, I mean, there's plenty of shit to talk about. It's just like, we want to just say dumb shit. Yeah. And I don't know if he was on board with that.

No, not at all. He was just like answering earnestly. It was, yeah, it was like he was having like a really night. We talked about like, actually, that's probably going to stay in the first one, huh? Yeah, the first. The people I've already listened to. We talked about like dieting.

Yeah, it was most. It was 27 minutes of talking about chicken salad and the best what you have to do to order chicken salad at Joe's. I told a great anecdote about going to Joe's on Third Avenue and I asked for a chicken salad. And the guy was like, hey, what do you mean? I'm telling literally the same story. People just listened to this, by the way.

So Adam wasn't here. I mean, now you're telling me the story. Oh, that's right. I'm sorry. So a little new bit. Yeah, we have Felix Biederman from Chapman Trap House, honorary Puerto Rican rattlesnake, Felix Biederman, and Adam, of course, I'm back.

Adam, the Puerto Rican rattlesnake. And I'm actually now, I'm Chirad Vros Halkius. Yeah, Chirad's Black, Chirad Vros Halkius. The Black or Rican rattlesnake. The Black or Rican rattlesnake from Race Wars. Spinoff, the spinoff. Stov told me he had a racial awakening on his way here. That's absolutely right.

Yep, I'm a Black or Rican now. Yeah, we're actually now live at the Anthony Cumea Studios too in Bed-Stine. Bed-Stine. Believe it or not, Anthony's not actually allowed in this neighborhood. So we have to Skype him in whenever he tells us how to decorate the studio,

because he wants it to look just like the top of the Empire State Building, where his real studio is. Oh, man. He likes to just stand on the balcony and just say the n-word. Yeah. So this whole place is filled with lawn jockeys, with a lot of blackface art, the way Anthony wants it. The Al Jolson wing of the studio.

All of his concealed carry permits at the door and the walls, African masks with darts in them. I think the thing that sums up this studio is the graphic that reads right when you walk in, have you ever tried counting to $6 million? And it really makes you think. You're like, no, I haven't actually. It's too big of a number.

How could a number be that big? I agree. I agree. He said that Mr. Show sketch with the highest number, but with the Holocaust. The next guy to add one number to another number is going to hear from my 45. That's such a good sketch.

But boss. Oh, man. The pitch for that sketch must have made absolutely no sense. I mean, most of those sketches were like that. That's what made it such a funny show, is that they were just trying to be funny. Also, the fact that they kind of circumnavigated the fact that it's really hard to end a sketch,

by just blowing it up and then like, you know, mash it or whatever. I'm trying to get into the next sketch. Maybe you guys can help me with this. Stov's company pays $50 for anyone who can come up with a sketch. Doesn't matter if you're homeless. It's true.

It doesn't matter if you're illiterate. Yeah, I did get that $50 for an anonymous sketch. That's right. It's dropping this week, baby. Well, I want to do, here's what I need to. We need to riff this one out. Maybe maybe we can just do it on the podcast and then sell the idea.

Yeah, so it's Jurassic Park. But Attenborough is like, we can bring back the dinosaurs and then we can fuck them once. He just wants to fuck the dinosaurs. So can you do the song? That's pretty much all we got. Well, no, OK, so the mosquito, it's sealed and come. And he says, this proves that even

the tiniest of creatures can be fucked. I love it. Something about maybe getting pissed on by a hot, thick stream of brontosaurus piss. Yeah, being pissed on by Brian. Have you imagined eating the asshole of a brontosaurus as it unloads tons and tons of waste of foliage into your mouth?

And he just wants to fuck the dinosaurs. Maybe Chris Pratt knows how to jack off velociraptors. That's why he does it really cool, though. He knows, yeah, he's a cool. He's got a cool. I'm not fat anymore. Style of jacking off. Yeah, I don't appreciate that.

That guy betrayed us. Can you imagine how good he is at giving head? Because fat people are good at giving head. Hell yeah, dude. I eat because they like to eat. That's my favorite. I know. Yeah.

You know what they say about fat girls, dude? Is there better given head because they like eating? You know those guys? Yeah. Hell yeah, dude. Yeah, because that's how you suck at food. You get nourishment like that. That's the way you eat things is by sucking it off.

Classic. So speaking of getting sucked off or jerked off, somebody has a little story. Oh yeah, tell the story. Somebody got their little. Should I? Yeah, absolutely. I already told everybody.

You said it during the first half? No, but I've been telling people. We should have. Yeah. I got a full service massage. What happened, dude? That's when you get jerked off in Jersey. It's a full service massage.

Yeah, they actually don't let you jack off by yourself in Jersey. Yeah, it's a big problem they have. The public gas and they're just too strong. I was I had a slight headache. I was walking down Canal Street at about five in the afternoon a couple of weeks ago. And I saw and I had my back hurt because I had my laptop

in my backpack and I saw a massage $25. Night 25, 25 bucks, 30 minutes. Where was the deal? Tell me off air on Canal Canal. What is like 35 in places on 100? Yeah, every single one of those places where they have like a discount massage, they'll jack you off.

The best part of it is like she's like, you want harder soft. And I was like hard. And so she just starts walking on my back and it hurt. It's like very uncomfortable. It was a terrible massage. She actually fucked up my back for like four days. It's hilarious.

But she jerked you off. She like you think you're going to get beat off or no. I didn't. It really wasn't in the front of my mind. You had an inkling though. I was if it happens, it happens. Listen to this motherfucker. Oh, I don't know if this $25 massage place will

beat me off in the basement of a fucking shoe store. Yeah. This is like that Jim Carrey movie where he can't say no. Yeah. I was working shit out of it. Firelight. No, there was another one that was just like yes.

Yes, man. How did he make that movie? Well, I mean, I consider Liar Liar the Quran and yes, man, like the Hadeeth. Yeah. He expanded on the lessons of that movie. Exactly. The best part was she's like, OK, hand or mouth with condom.

And I was like, I don't. My sister listens. OK, whatever. It's too late. It's too late. All right. When I was 19, I was in Israel in a street club. You're worried about your sister hearing about sex

on the KOM podcast. Yeah, that's right. I was in Israel at a strip club. There's this Russian woman with braces and fake tits. She had a necklace on that said sex on it. Oh, where do you get that necklace? It's just a fuck. And I was there with like a game with the braces.

I was on my occupation tour with my friends. And you were there to steal the right land of just like and lap dances were 20 shekels, which is like $5. And we're getting like a ton of. I love that you're complaining about the price of. No, no, no. He's talking about what a bargain it is, dude.

Oh, all right. He's doing it up even further. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was no way. There's no way. 20 shekels. Yeah.

There's no way a Jew can complain about or mention the cost of something without a sound like a complaint. That's where that's where all that like Sheldon Adelson money goes goes to subsidized strippers. That's the birthright paper. $15 of the lap dance. That's pretty smart. Oh, I know I was anyway.

Yeah, she's like you want private room. So I went and she was like blowjob with condom 200 shekel. And I was just like, which is like you talk to down. And I had I had my meal stipend thing for the month. Like the program gave us a meal stipend. Yeah. And I had literally had an envelope of cash in it. And I like fumbled through it.

I just like entered the cash. And I got a blowjob with a condom came in three minutes. That's maybe maybe. Go ahead. OK. And well, the braces, the braces tear it off immediately. Yeah, that's smart. She knows what she's doing.

That's less time than it takes for the iron dome to block a missile. Same technology. That's what that's actually they call that braces blowjob process. That's her nickname. There he is. There's the mold.

God, this is so extremely online. It's so good. I love getting ironed down. Yeah, it was ironed down. I love getting ironed down from a tartar girl. Yeah, she mouth retarded. Her mouth retarded as hell, dog. Left my entire meal stipend for the month.

In this girl's mouth? In that strip club. That's hilarious. I starved. Literally for a month, I would eat at five o'clock once a day. Yeah. I'd wait to eat. Ironic.

That's like Ramadan. I'd eat at five. It's like my Jewish Ramadan. Anyway, I felt horrible about the whole thing. Yeah. Fast forward. Fast forward two weeks ago. She turns me over.

She's like $50. So you're fully nude? No, not yet. I'm in my box. That's the funniest part of the whole story. Which person looked like, by the way? What's that? How are we looking?

And what does she look like? You know, I don't want to do the accent, but the Chinese woman. She's like, but is she hot is what I'm getting at here. She was attracted. I know that people can't see this because this is a podcast, but Adam just put on a straw hat. And he's really stretching his eyes. He's got tape all over the place.

All right, gong sound. Doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle doodle ding ding ding ding ding. We're in the massage parlor. So she says, do you want to touch me? And I was like, OK. So she takes my hand, puts it up her shirt, and I'm just like squeezing her boob.

I'm like, OK, that's cool. OK, that's not bad. And she was hot. And she's like, yeah. She's like, OK, hand her mouth. And I was like, I'm not going to go for mouth with condom. I think I'm going to go hand. There's an expert practitioner.

I see what you're saying. You're thinking she's much better at. I've never gotten a good hand job in my life. I would agree. Neither, yeah. Not even from me. I abuse my shit. You don't have a good technique, Adam?

She did 50 million times better than I've ever done. So she's a pro. Incredible. But the best part was, I was wearing my box. She pulled out my box and said she looks at my dick. And then she looks up at me. And she goes, oh. Like it was the big thing.

It was the biggest dick she'd ever seen in my entire life. And I was like, oh, come on. Yeah, yeah. I hate that. She's like, it's so big. A girl I hooked up with is not. A girl like that was doing the same shit. She was like, oh my god, it's so big.

She's like pretending to choke on my. And I was like, listen, I've had my dick for a very long time. I know exactly how big my dick is. It is not a big fucking dick. She was doing fake gagging, dude. It was so embarrassing. I was embarrassed for both of us. She was actually just gagging.

From, hey, what the fuck? Anyway, I left. I can't shoot her quick also. She beat you off. She beat me off. It was amazing. How much does the whole shebang run you? It was $75.

I left and I was just so mad at myself. I was like, New York City, you've done it again. You just fucking vacuum $75 out of my pocket. Whatever, man. Like that could have been a decent pair of pants could have lasted me a couple years. That's true. And I just fucking paid for his sex work.

Nothing, there's anything wrong with that. That's legit. And then I told the girl that I was used to be dating. I'm not dating her anymore. She was so mad at me. You told the girl you used to be dating and you got beat off. Yeah, we had an open thing.

Then you paid to get jacked off by someone that looks exactly like her. So she was like, what her life would be like if her parents didn't come over. But I thought it was this progressive thing where she's like, yeah, I want to fuck other people too. Yeah, that's totally a Bernie Sanders move, dude. Yeah, you're so right.

She does cam work. Or she did cam work. So I didn't think that it was like a big deal to her. And she's like, you're disgusting. That's disgusting. Interesting. I don't feel bad. Is cam work bad, though?

I feel like you have to because we live in the future now. You have to beat off. That's like the new way to fuck. I would love, if my dick was bigger, I would beat off with a luchador mask on. You don't have to have a big dick, dude. You already have all those Instagram followers. That's true.

A lot of his men want to fuck me. Yeah, you can just. There was a guy I saw on Chatterbait one time who had to be, like, 89 years old. He looked like. What a start of a sentence. There was a guy I saw on Chatterbait one time. He's this old ass man.

Dude, how does Chatterbait work? It's just people just jack off on cam with people jacking. No, no, no. That's chat roulette. Chatterbait is like it's in the gallery. That's also LinkedIn premium. Yeah. Yeah, it's like it's like a gallery.

You can choose somebody to watch Master Bay or whatever. You watched an 89 year old man beat off. I was like, look how old this man is. I mean, there is there's a market for everything. Oh, yeah. Like that's what half of bodybuilders support themselves by like jacking off on their stuff. That's how they buy animal is that they gave her pay stuff.

Yeah, there's actually a separate room in GNC where you can do all the supplements. Yeah. But when Arnold to raise money to come to America, Arnold's dad actually just recorded himself jacking off on an eight millimeter distributed like over the iron curtain. Oh my god.

He's a copy idiot. Well, that guy. Yeah, that guy. He was like, you know, like 89 years old, you know, big long white beard. He looked like the giver. You know the cover of the giver. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

That guy like Walt Whitman. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He looked like Walt Whitman. Well, kids, right? Yeah, less of less of a sexual deviant than the actual Walt Whitman. This is just a guy that's on little boy's faces. And so he's got and he's got like this distended belly

and like, you know, just like an old fucking ass man. He's got nipple clamps and he's like beating and hitting his dick with shit and he's jacking off. And he just seemed to be having like a great time. And I'm like, you know what? Good for him. Figured out the computer. He's like, you know, living an active life.

This isn't like, it's not deviant if he's like, you know, like his family is probably like, yeah, Grandpa loves the computer. We got him. They're like, yeah, he's using the camera to keep in touch with friends from the war. He's Skyping all over. Yeah, yeah, he loves Skype.

He's just on Skype all the time. He doesn't really use any of the email software we got him. But it's yeah, he loves that camera. So, you know, he's holding out. Oh my God. Have you guys ever tried to have Skype sex before? I have. It's terrible.

I have so bad. You just feel silly. Like you like see yourself in the little box. You see the little corner like, you know, like I didn't. Just your mangled face just like beating off. Oh, no, I get a top angle of my dick and I angle it down so that my dick looks good. No, I'd go.

You're like the tears now looking like a jacking off. Just a trees and leaves. I got a lens flare coming up. It was just a chastened voiceover. I don't know what I gave you. Yeah, I only do it in 70 millimeter. 70 millimeter. The light is just exquisite.

I mean, Louis CK is really adamant about using a red box for his jackoff footage. When he does it in front of women without their consent, they're bringing that back. That's coming back. It's kind of bad. Roseanne was talking about it. Who was it, Jen Kirkman that said that?

Yeah, apparently she said it and then deleted it. She said that he either said that he did it to her or brought up the allegations and then deleted the tweet. Interesting. That he's just like a subway jackoffer, but he does it in the hotel? Yeah, he does it in his hotel room. He dresses his hotel room up like a subway station

and then invites people. You know, you got to swipe. You got to swipe to get in. Yeah, he's an autistic pervert because he has to incorporate trans. Yeah. Oh, god. I don't know, I mean, it seems like from what I've heard,

there's been no substantial claim. It might be a thing he likes to do consensually, is beat off in front of people. But if that's a thing, then that's just kink shaming. Yeah, whatever. He's the president of comedy. Well, I don't know. I mean, if he's doing that, here's my stance.

If he's doing that against people's will, I'm against it. So sorry, guys. Well, even then, I mean, he is a very good comedian. Sorry, guys. Dude, you're really taking forms of sexual assault. Sorry. You're coming out firing shots. That's the kind of guy I am.

Wow. Well, hold on. I didn't say, you know, I said if, you know. Who are the other? Remember, there was that one comedian, champion. That guy champion. Was it Vince Champion? The clean guy who was also like a rapist and murderer.

No, now I'm just accusing Vince Champion of being the rapist. There was a guy that was like on the road. The champion brothers from DC, those guys? Yeah, the champion brothers. There's like four or five. When I watch porn, do you remember that bit? They had this very anti-gay bit. What was it?

Do you remember? Dude, this guy had a bit of a pro porn bit, which was incredible. I don't remember. It made no sense. He's like, when I watch porn, I ain't trying to hurt nobody. Yeah, they were great. There was a guy doing anti-gay bits of Caroline

the other night. Remember that? That guy that was like, just don't do it around me. Who, Mattel? No. Yeah, it was Mattel. Well, in my defense, it was open mic night. There was a guy, I remember, did I

talk about Big Ron on the podcast before? No. I don't know if it was. Yeah, I think that was his name. Big Ron, Big Ron. Were you saying something like, do we cut you off, I don't remember? Who, me?

Yeah. I don't know, probably. Whatever. You do that shit all the fucking time, dude. We're going to beef about it. I do? No. I mean him.

Adam does it. Yo, let's blaze up. Adam's the cutoff for it. Yeah. No, there was this guy that used to go to a Japanese. You do the Mic at Japanese? No, what a shit. That's, yeah, that sushi restaurant, where the light

was just Ian Salmon, like drunkenly holding up a candle at you. Oh, Ian Salmon, yeah. Who would do 35 minutes in between every comic. But yeah, now this guy, Big Ron, he came in, and he's like, immediately like, I don't write down shit. I never write down shit. It's all, you know, improvosional, you know?

I'm like saying things off the top of my mind. And so he goes up, and it's like a nice restaurant. And then he's talking about, like, you know, in jail, you know, you think that hearing people being raped would be bad, but it's not that. It's when you hear motherfucker getting stabbed. That's the fucked up part. There used to be this big motherfucker,

and he used to jack off to the little Michael videos. Michael Jackson be coming on the TV, pull his dick right out, and jack off to Michael. And, you know, people are just trying to, like, eat dinner, and then my favorite thing about that guy is he handed me his business card. I was, like, talking to him afterwards, and he had, like, a business where it was a detailing service,

but just for Lincoln Town cause. Yo, I do not do fucking escalation. The only thing I touch, Lincoln Town cause. Dude, that's, oh man, that reminds me of when Rala did Funny Moms. Yeah. Rala is our friend. Rala is one of the funniest comics.

And every Rala boy can check him out. He's definitely a comics comic. We all, like. No, he's a good comic. No, I mean, like, back in the room always loves Rala, you know. Yeah, in fucking shitty alt rooms is what you're talking about. Right. So he did, he did our shitty alt show in DC,

and, you know, it's all white people with clenched assholes, and he's just, like, talking about pink Ariel isn't crushing everyone. Then again. Saying the N-word, and like, everyone's just, like, oh, we love this, we love this. And he's just, like, he's killing. He's killing.

And then, like, all of a sudden, just midway through his set, he's like, nah, but seriously, no, gay sex is disgusting. How are you going to have sex in a bathroom? Here he goes, he goes, how the fuck you going to get raped to death in a bathroom? Donna AIDS and shit. And then you could just hear a pin drop. Just literally every single, like, Columbia Heights soft ass,

like, white DC, you know, like, works at the, you know, fucking some NGO and, like, just silence. And then the back of the room, like, all the comments are just dying. Yeah, he's, he's really funny. Gay sex is gross. But, like, seriously, no, gay sex is disgusting. Just like, wow.

How are you going to go there and talk? Just read the room. I used to do his rooms and just get absolute, well, you gave me the best advice. Like, whenever I'd work a black room in DC, I just, like, they say, come up next to the stage, I'm freelance, and then just, like, there always be a drunk woman in the stage.

I'd just be like, oh, he look like Harry Potter, right? And then, like, everyone started laughing and stuff. And I just, I didn't know what to do. And I'd feel like really, like, intimidated and stuff. And the stop was just like, yo, if anyone makes fun of you, just tell them that they have a tight shirt. Yeah, 100% crushes every time. Crushes every time.

Look how tight this guy's shirt is. Look at the little ass shirt. Call someone gay and say they have a little ass shirt. I would always make fun of Rollo for being dark-skinned. Everyone love that shit. Oh, man. Rollo hates the Warriors because they're too light-skinned. That's so funny.

Yeah, he's anti-light-skinned people. I love it. He's such a stand to take. I love it. Well, he is pretty dark. He's as dark as the fuck. Yeah, dude. He's dark as hell.

It's a stage name. Rollo? Rollo Boykins. What are we telling people this for? Yeah. That's what he used to order pizzas under when he was at Howard. That's the Genesis. Why do you need a name to order pizzas?

He used to tell the pizza guy Rollo Boykins. Interesting. My friend went to GW and he had this fat piece of shit roommate. This, like, Asian Pacific. What are they called? Pacific Islander. APA, whatever the name they have. Asian Pacific Islander.

Yeah, Asian Pacific Islander or whatever. He was Samoan. Yeah, he was like one of the Rocks' Costumes. Island Chinese. That's what he was doing. He was spam Chinese. Yeah, he was shrimp Chinese. So he goes, he was this big fat kid, but he was Catholic.

And I remember one time I crashed in their dorm or whatever and he was out of town and he had a crush on, was it Rachel Adams is the actress? Rachel McAdams. Rachel McAdams. And so above his bed, he had a poster of the notebook on the ceiling, which is like, that's not the movie you beat off.

You don't have a crush on that actress. I'm like, dude, the woman she's in love. In that case, so he's real fat. And I remember my friend was telling me, so for Lent, he gave up pizza. And the first day of Lent, they're ordering from Manny and Olga's or whatever. And they're like, Jesse, do you want anything?

And he was like, yeah, let me get a cow's own. And he's like, no, it's not a pizza. Holy fuck. I love people who follow really strict religions. And then they're just like, oh, yeah, I'm going to fool God. Like the Haasids. Like, I'm from Chicago and there's like just we gave Haasids an entire neighborhood,

Rogers Park. And half the people in Rogers Park are Shabbos boys. And oh, yeah. Yeah, and I always thought that was weird. Like, oh, like A, they didn't update the rules to be like, oh, yeah, pressing an elevator button is work. We've decided that for some reason. But we're going to get around that by like hiring

a Mexican kid on Birchwood in California to press the button for it. It's like, why didn't they do it then? That's what they do? That's how they do it. They do that shit here. That's incredible. On Pride last year, did I mention this?

I said this. Was there a Chabad float at Pride? I don't think you said it on the podcast. I don't know if I said it on the podcast, but last year at Pride, I was walking home when I walked through Pride. And there's a protest. There's a counter pride protest.

And at first it looks like they're Hussheeds. And I get closer. And they're Mexican guys wearing the outfits. And they're holding signs. And they're these like, you know, tired, you know, that like five foot one Guatemalan type where you can tell underneath the hat, he's got like a faux hawk.

Like those guys, I was like, what the fuck is this? This looks like Hussheeds are just hired day laborers to protest at Pride. And it didn't like make sense. It was just too absurd to make sense. And then the next day I saw in like the New York Daily News or something that, yeah, Hussheeds hired day laborers to go protest Pride.

I guess it was, you know, because it was Shabbos or something. Or they couldn't be there. Or they just didn't want to go themselves. So they hired day laborers to dress up like them and protest. I did the opposite of that when I was a kid. You had sex with day laborers to dress up like Hussheeds. No, there was like a Puerto Rican Day Parade Pride, or Puerto Rican Day Parade in Chicago

or like some type of Latino parade. And like my mom knew the person was organizing it. But for whatever reason, they couldn't locate Latino children to do it. And I was eight. And I was like, I was way darker as a kid. I'm glad things worked out for you. Yeah, and I was scared for a moment.

You parade every day. Thank God. But I bleached like one of the reggae singers. Give me the asshole kind. I need the extra strong asshole kind. But my best friend was Greek. And we were like really dark. And they paid us $20 each to lead the parade that

makes your drive. Like Carly's Latino children. They're too fiery. They'll just run off. A soccer game might break out if we let them lead it. Yeah, there's some real race science there. Like the Jewish and Greek brain has the European order gene that can carry the sign without straying.

Oh my god. Did you see where I guess we said we weren't going to talk about him anymore, but Cockfield. No, Nick, please stop. Fuck Adam, go ahead. You were using his real name. Well, we killed off the other guy. I don't want to do a cruel impression anymore.

But I do want to make fun of he got. He got you got. He's like my girlfriend got 23 and me. You just said you don't want to do. I don't want to do a cool impression. I'm doing an accurate impression. My girlfriend got me 23 and me results for my birthday. Oh, I didn't see that.

Yeah, yeah. And so he's like 96% like British and Irish or whatever. And then he's like 4% African. So he's like, here's the results, everybody. I'm 1% African, 4%, 1% Pacific Islander, 4% African, 95% who cares. And also, those, by the way, are like, that's within the margin of error, that 4%.

Like, I was like 6% Jewish or something. And it's like, it's not Jewish. Stov immediately got on the phone and said, what's going on with this? The margin of error, it's the margin of error. I want my money back. Did you see that? There's a thing on PBS where Henry Lewis Gates was doing

like ancestry tests for famous black people. I saw that. And Oprah was like sitting there. She's like, I talked to my spirits. And I know I am a Zulu. I am a Zulu warrior. I have Zulu warrior blood. And they were like, no, you're Ghanaian,

like every other black person in America. Yeah, South Africa was not part of the triangle, like slavery. It's like, what the fuck are you talking about, Oprah? It's so funny. Do you follow? Quincy Jones was more white than black, I think, too. Was he? I immediately burned every album he produced after that.

It was like, no way, buddy. What were you going to say, Nick? I found them through Haywood, but one of those pan-African Facebookers. Oh, yeah, I remember those. Yeah, there was one. Because 90% of the things they share, it's like, be proud of your culture.

Be proud of your heritage. And it's like a positive, affirming stuff. And then 5% of them, there's nothing wrong with female genital mutilation. Yeah. They shared one meme that was like, Europeans didn't bathe before they discovered Africans or something.

It was like, they learned bathing from you. I was like, going into water, that didn't come up. At some point. Oh, my god. Yeah, no, there's like a bunch of sites like that that claim basically every single invention was actually made in Africa, like 3,000 years ago. Who are those like black Israelites?

Black Israelites outside the gallery, place Metro Station. Yeah, they're great. So they think that white people were created by an evil scientist named Yakob that invented white people in his lab by accident. Well, that differed, like the nation of Islam. Nation of Islam falls to the same shit

where the evil scientist Yakob used germs from black people to create white people. But in the black Israelite version, he does it by accident. It's like the nutty professor. Yeah. Oh, look what he loved. Which is funny, because they all look like the clumps.

All of those guys. At least there was. So wait, this is true? Like there's a scientist? It's like a. That's what they believe. Yeah, they really believe that. Yeah, scientists and the nation of Islam.

Nation of Islam believes some like really cool shit. Like they. What's Farrakhan? Is he like still active? Like he's still doing his thing. I saw a video with him and Young Thug, and it was like really powerful. Really?

Yeah. Young Thug was like, it's so amazing to meet you. Farrakhan would really like you. Yeah, he'd love me. Yeah. What's with the bow ties? What's the deal with the bow ties? They look pretty, pretty cool.

Yeah, but there's got to be a reason to. I actually don't know. I know like most of the nation of Islam stuff, because it's big in Chicago, like they eat navy bean pies because that's supposed to make you live to 150. Oh, yeah. But the bow ties is probably something so like probably like while like while you'd

Muhammad or someone was like, I think they look good. Right. And then like usually there's a reason for shit. Like you notice that no Iranians wear neckties and they because they think ties are a symbol of Western imperialism. Oh, really? Yeah, but. I thought it was they just like showing off chest hair.

Yeah, yeah, the same reason. And gold chance. I mean the Iranians. Yeah, yeah. But no, I actually I think the bow tie like the founder wore them or something. Everything else has like a cool reason behind it. Like the 9000 years ago, some guy

invented white people or a spaceship showed up with the bow ties. They're like, oh, we just like him. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's like I was trying to get a good. I was reading. Do you know the the story with the Hasid's why they dress like that? Well, basically they went when the Jews like left the pale of like settlement like in Eastern Europe.

That was like that was like Eastern Europe style. And then once they left, they basically stopped evolving their style. So they just kept dressing like so. Everyone dressed like that at some point. Well, in their particular yeshivas, right? So like that's one yeshiva had like the circle hats. One yeshiva had like, you know, pay is one, you know.

Did I tell that story on the podcast about that guy at the Halloween party? I think he did that we were at. Wait, no. Remember that guy at that Halloween party we were at? But didn't you tell us on the podcast? I don't think you did. I don't know when I was there.

Yeah, we were at that Halloween party with those giant M&M's who were listening to Fleetwood Mac. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. When we we met up with Tommy and then he was in the bathroom for like four and a half hours. Oh, yeah. Do you ever do you ever do you have a bloke guy? Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, holy shit. Oh, my God, dude, this is completely separate story. But I was we were trying to find Coke and I went up to our friend Tommy, my friend Tommy and he's sitting there. And I was like, hey, do you got a blow guy? And I said that to him.

And it was like kind of loud where we're at. So he like reflects for a half second. He's like, nah, but I fucked a tranny once. And I was like, what? And he's like, did I ever blow a guy? Yeah, he's like, you asked me if I ever blew a guy. I was like, no, I said, do you have a blow guy? But why is that your response?

On the spectrum of gay stuff that is closer to being gay than being straight. I guess. Yeah, he's now he told a great story about like following this after a show in Philly. Yeah, yeah, he like bought a prostitute or whatever. And she was like blowing him. And then I thought he just met a woman at helium.

No, no, I think he's like bought a prostitute. Or that's what the story is. And then he like he's like, it's his story to tell. So I don't want to tell it. He's got a career now. So yeah. But but yeah, no, that was a funny interaction. But no, the guy at the party at the Halloween party

when he's talking about those big circular hats that his seeds wear, and he's like, those Ottomans. Yeah, yeah. There's like big Ottomans, the big IKEA Ottomans. And he's got he's like, yeah, dude, one of my friends actually he got one of those. And I was like, what do you mean?

He was like, you know, he's riding his bike. And he managed to like get one. It was like, what do you mean, he stole it? I was like, yeah. And he was like, yeah, he got arrested for like, you know, Grand Larsen or something because he got they caught it because like you can't just be the guy wearing the one guy. And then a fucking odd future shirt.

Do you know Shine, the rapper that got arrested with Diddy? Yeah, yeah. He's a Hasidic Jew now. And he's like wearing a stripe. It's called a strimal. Yeah, yeah, that's what they call it. He like decided $6,000. Yeah, dude, they're super expensive.

It's like otter fur. That's crazy. Yeah. I don't even know where you get otters. It's like young boss. It's actually young boy. Well, it's not more of a bear, but yeah. Well, he's got like a cup fit because he's hairless.

He's a cub. I'm a cub. Thank you very much. Actually, it's more walrus because a cub. Cub is like a cub is like a small but still hairy bear type. If you're large and hairless, it's walrus. I'm not a walrus. I'm a manatee.

I'm a cub. Cubs are cuter. I don't know. I would go walrus. They have it. There's no way they need more animals. I don't have any tusks. This is like a body acceptance thing.

Yeah, you're right. People aren't just bears or cubs. It's like the original body acceptance people. They'll fetishize anything. Yeah, absolutely. You may. There's that stereotype like, oh, all gay guys are in shape. And it's like, no, just the ones you secretly jack off to.

Just the ones in your movie. My friend, there was this dude in college that was like, his whole persona was he was a total alpha. He was like a Long Island, Nassau County Jewish, like fucking blowout, like looked like a Jersey Shore Guido. And my friend, he was always strange because he had a Leonidas from hell yeah, 300 poster

of just this jacked ass Gerard Butler, like six feet tall in his bedroom. We were like, why does why does Brian have that in his room? And then my my friend, for some reason, who was his roommate, like took his laptop to go on Pornhub and then like saw the last 10 searches. It was like, guy kisses guy for first time. Oh, it's totally straight guy.

Fuck straight guy. I still look as fuck. I think that's what all like motivation shit is. Like whenever you go to YouTube and it's like motivation of Phil Heath. No, I just like people are jacking off to that. Yeah, for sure. 100% I mean, like I watch I obsessively

watch MMA and have for years. And like it's the big thing is like watch the Wayans where they get naked and almost like get so close to each other, they kiss each other. You're like, oh, dude, I can't wait. Are you saying weigh in? And I thought you said Wayans like the Wayans brother. Yeah, when the Wayans brothers come down to the octaves.

Keenan Ivory, Damon. How many are there? There's like some of those guys who definitely gave by the way of the way by law of averages. Yeah, of course. They're so of the Wayans brothers. Damon Wayans is so homophobic. How about this guy?

How about this? The gay and Ivory. No, Norm. Norm was or Jezel Nick. Jezel Nick, by the way, Nick. Great games, man. Thank you. Sorry, I wanted to get that one in there before I missed it.

Sorry, I was talking. I said, Gaines Brothers. That's good. They are going to be feeling that one in the morning. That's a switch. That's a switch. We're saying the norm. Jezel Nick was just saying that like Keenan

Ivory Wayans, when he was a judge on Last Comic, was the absolute biggest piece of shit, of course, that he's like ever worked with. I could see that. He's like, I've never hated anyone in comedy more than. All right, let's just talk shit about someone's second hand. So if you have a problem, Keenan Ivory, you can come on the pod.

Yeah, we'll squash it. Yeah, we're big squashers. What happened to Simon from American Idol? What's he doing now? He went on another one. Oh, he's on another one. He fucked someone's wife or something. He's still like his friend's wife or something.

He's one of those like Simon? Yeah. That doesn't make sense. Because you know, you just assume most British guys are gay. Yeah, of course. And then they're like actually cool. You know, they're like a cool alpha type. Well, Statham, not gay.

Well, of course, yeah. Of course not. I mean, that's why they brought him to America. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were waiting for a non-gay British man. Yeah, they should make a Statham movie where he solves Brexit with karate. We've got to bring the country back together.

I'm bald. Yeah, yeah, I'm bald. I don't have any hair, and I don't need it. I hate Chinese, and I'm gay. I'm gay. I'm racist. I hate Chinese, and I got nowhere. What was the genesis of that?

The fact that we were just walking around Green Point. Oh, yeah, we're out of time. We're done. Yeah, we filled our contractual obligation to the people that donated $97. Is that what we're pulling in? Yeah. Yo, shout out to my friend Max, who's a listener,

who's buying us the tracksuits. Yeah, Max, thank you for the tracksuits. We're getting come boys. We'll suck you off, Max. Yeah, yeah. I don't agree. Stah will suck you off. Adam will suck you off, Max.

You guys, you just got the shout out, the podcast shout out. Yeah, this is big. And then thank you, Felix, for joining us. My pleasure. His presence alone on there. We got two big gets for this one, guys. That's good, yeah, yeah. A lot of people are going to listen to this,

seeing the names, expecting a mash-up. Well, most people are not going to make it through the first half. Are we going to go in the first half, though? Are we going to do chop-up mash-up? We would love to have you guys on chop-up. I've been practicing my Slava Zizek impression. Will does a great impression of you.

Of me? Yeah, yeah. What does it sound like? I mean, it sounds like you. I don't know. I can't do it. It sounds like really gay and like a little bitch. He's like, oh, madam, I'm a bitch.

I mean, like, you shouldn't say that so much. Shabbat shalom. Shabbat shalom, boys. Shabbat shalom, good Chinese girls. Where are the shackle prostitutes? $25. I can't pass that. Oh, boy, that's too much.

I'm only capable of doing Dickfield. Me and Stover joke, and like, so I don't want to do the sound effects or whatever, so I'm not actually going to do it. But like, there's like lightning or something, and a portal opens. No, I did save it. We got to do this.

All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're doing it. All right. Little teaser, guys. Yeah, you're going to really like it. That's a little behind the scenes. This is what happens when you go past the fucking 40-minute mark on the second half.

Hell, yeah. We start breaking the fourth wall. It's been a fun one. But yeah, it was a good one, guys. Thanks for listening. I don't know. We don't have anything planned. Yeah, no, we should do that mash-up, though.

For sure. Yeah, we would love. We would fucking love to do that. Which we want to do. We want to use Bobby Kelle might let us use his studio to do that, which is like, it's sort of like a second-rate Anthony Kumiya studio. It's above Matt.

Matt, if you are listening by a fucking plan, do not talk shit on my KNDD studios. Matt doesn't live here. No, Matt lives in Cleveland, but he can just come out. He came up for the live show. Yeah, they can Skype him in, too. I mean, they got this Indian kid there that knows how all the computers work.

Oh, and if you're in New York, we have a live show in the works for August. Oh, yeah, I want to do, if you guys are cool with it, I want to plug the Chapo live show on July 28th in Philadelphia at Everybody Hits. And yes, due to the name, it is a group sex event. We are running a train. We're running a cell on these thotties.

Hell yeah, bro. Well, we got the venue that we're doing is Come On, Everybody, for Come Town. Oh, is that the name of the venue? It's Come On, Everybody, but for us, it's Come On. Oh, yeah, yeah, I love it. That's perfect. I love it, dude.

Well, we saved that one. We saved it. Yeah, that was great. This was really fun. Yeah, thanks. I'm pretty funny. Thanks, everybody. Thanks for getting jerked off, Adam.

Night. MUSIC Huh? MUSIC Well, what do you think? Do you want to go after the kids? Hooray!