The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 103 – Post premier production emergency

Episode Date: November 10, 2022

Having a quick pow wow to resolve some kinks

Music Music Music Music Music Music Music Music

Music Good evening everyone, or afternoon I should say. Day early too because I'm just going to upload this now so I don't have to deal with it tomorrow. Are you going to put the video up on YouTube? If I can get the card out of the camera in time. It's a ticking time bomb. Well yeah, I mean I got to go catch a flight. Nick and I both have flights this evening out of town.

So this is something a little bit like behind the scenes. The audience can tell we're not wearing our traditional Armani suits. I don't know if it's behind the scenes or not. There's not many scenes anymore. It's mostly behind. Yes, we're behind. Look folks, a couple of things. Right off the top, welcome to the Adam Friedland show.

We're going one camera angle. For this episode we're going to be going one camera angle. One camera angle until we need to hire a bunch of people. We are talking to a bunch of people right now that we're about to hire. We're talking to one guy we got that fixes one problem. There's one other guy that we got. But there's no way this show is going to happen. It can't just be the two of us.

Listen folks, you've been our friends for some time. If you know a guy, if anyone knows a guy that knows how to make a TV show, send him our way. Think about this. A story that starts a story with I was in a brain hospital for six months. Yeah, I was in a brain hospital and I've been waiting for this moment for the last couple of years in my life. Not one of those guys.

Not one of those guys. Preferably. He was a very nice guy. Yes, he was. But you know what we need is a guy that hates us and thinks the show doesn't like it. We need somebody that's just good at their job. Yeah, like an old guy that doesn't laugh at a single thing we say.

Yeah. Like an old Hollywood. Look folks. Someone when he gets pissed at us will have us molested. The rumors are true. The Adam Friedland show is a disaster. No, it's not. Shut up.

But look, like every disaster, the tornado comes through, destroys the town, kills many impoverished white trash people. It ruins their day. It ruins their day. This show is a lot like a double-wide trailer basically. It's a thing for... It's a place to put trash people. I think you're painting it a little bit more dire.

But I tell you, you know what happens? You know what happens after the tornado? Yeah. Fuck them. Alice in Wonderland. You're in Wonderland now. Yeah, you got Alice in Wonderland. So let's just see how far the rabbit's pussy goes.

Let's take that fucking pill, dude. No, folks, we are... Look, there was a... And I'll be sincere, there was a decision that had to be made. We could continue kicking the can down the road forever. But I said, and this is 100% my fault, I said, let's just show them the set. It doesn't matter that we have nothing prepared. Yes. But this is what I did not know.

I thought, you bring a guy in here, he tells you where to put lights, the lights goes up, and that's it. And it's static. And that's not how it works. That's not how it works. There's a million people that are all experts at lighting, and they all have a different idea of how they want it to be. Right. And I'm too autistic to be around that.

No. We have to keep Nick away from the technical people. You have to keep him away from them. We really have to... It has to be like a separation of church and say, we have to have a strong wall, a divide. Because Nick, I don't want to brag about my friend, I want to be like a Jewish mother, but Nick in the last three months has become quite an expert on how to construct and frame shots on color correction.

He's taught himself how to edit. He's taught himself... We had to. Look, our editor quit the night before that fucking... Because someone spread a rumor that he has AIDS. Our editor's ex-girlfriend was spread a rumor. That was insane, dude. He came over here like, I thought he was about to be like,

I found I have liver cancer. I thought he was... Our friend was dying. It was a fake... The look on his face, dude. I was about to cry. Can we agree that it was a fake excuse? Yeah, that's bullshit. It doesn't make any sense.

No, no. This is a 38-year-old man saying that someone's spreading a middle school rumor about him. He's coming back on board. I talked to him. Oh, okay. He just needed to take a week or two off. And for the last week or two, Nick has had to decide to teach himself how to use... There was no one else to do it.

Editing software, because we had no one else. The episode had to go up on Halloween. Yeah. So Nick and... It wouldn't make any sense if it weren't on Halloween. And an important part of the show is that it makes sense. You know what I mean? That's what they tune in for.

Yeah, they tune in for a show that makes sense. So look, I made the wrong call. I thought it was just that one fat guy from Patreon that came by that didn't, like they said, turns out it's everybody. No. It seems that no one who watches this show has any idea what the Dick Havett show is. No. None of them have heard it.

The reference was lost on pretty much everyone. Yeah. And no one was like, wow. Yeah. Wow. It's also to... They approximated the Havett show. The only reason...

Wow, they got the same chairs. The only reason... They got the same fucking time-life-life chairs that Dick Havett had. We got four chairs from 1975, vintage chairs, and Nick matched the leather, only to find out that Dick Havett used cheap reproductions. Knock-off chairs, yeah. We got nicer chairs than Havett had on his head. I didn't realize that until I had to find these chairs.

Until we spent $16,000. Yeah. Shout out to D-Rose Mod on eBay for selling us the chairs. Yeah. I don't know, but whatever. Free advertising for him, I guess. Yeah. Shout out to Co-op Fabrication, who are friends who built the...

This beautiful set that you probably won't ever see framed correctly. And they do an incredible job. Anyway. So, yeah. So, no. We're at the point now where we're hiring staff and we're interviewing people. It should have happened months ago. It should have happened months ago.

Yeah, I thought... I said to myself, no, I'll be able to do it. I'll be able to go on the road every weekend and make a TV show. And what happened is I got obsessive about lighting stuff. And camera stuff. And then didn't... forgot to write any jokes. Okay. So, here's the thing. So, here's the plan, folks.

Updating our audience, because the number one thing that we pride ourselves on is transparency. Is that correct? Trans issues, yeah. Number one. Issues transparency. Trans people should be able to adopt. Trans people should be able to vote. That's what... that's the number one issue is transparency.

That's good. Oh, thanks. Yeah. Anyway. So, yeah. No, we do have guests lined up. The talk show is going forward. Do you get to name...

They made a joke. Hold on, real quick. Real quick, real quick, real quick. If you get to adopt... if you adopt children, you'll have to rename them like a dog or a cat. Yeah. You should adopt two black kids and name them Moisha and Cory in the house. Could I do that? Is that against the law?

No. Technically, it would... If gay people are allowed to adopt straight kids, I should be... I should be allowed to adopt Moisha and Cory in the house. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, I'm going to adopt a black guy.

And then when he's in trouble, I use his full name. Like, I'm like, hey, Cory. But when he's in trouble, I'm like, Cory in the house. Go to your room. I'm going to adopt a black son and name him Smart Guy. Yeah. Smart Guy Freeland. That's cool.

Yeah, Taj. Oh, did you want to clarify the thing I said about the show being canceled? Yeah, we have to clarify this. Nick made a joke on the Patreon yesterday that we were recreating... We're putting the show on hold for four months. That's not happening. It was clearly, obviously... That's not on Nick.

That's on you guys for being fucking retarded. I'm glad you're saying it's not on me. I said that to you on text yesterday. I felt I was hurt. Listen, that's clearly on you guys for being retarded. Also, purported fans of comedy when Nick is clearly making a joke. But, yes, we can't keep doing lights and camera... But now I might actually do it.

Fuck around with me and find out. I will cancel this show and remake it. No, don't do it. We're balls deep in this process. Here's the thing. We have to find guys that... We are balls deep in this process, but in a booyah sense. Yes.

The audience is a white woman. The audience is a white man. We're a black man, and we said, we're going to have sex with you. And our testicles are in her anus. And we put our balls in her ass. And her penis is in her vagina. She's like, okay, but where's the talk show?

And then we go, booyah. Booyah. Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross, shot for shot remake. All right. The show is, we have basically what's happening is we need to find someone else to do the lights and the cameras. But the show is going forward. Don't worry, guys.

More than that, we need a producer. We need a producer. We're going to talk to Dave today. I already got it. And then the only thing I need to be handling is putting a room together for a while. And then we have writers that are coming in as well. Nick is in...

I got my killers, dude. The League of Extraordinarily Cancelled Gentlemen. The thing is, is that we wanted to stop working with the sweater brothers after the allegations came out. But we've decided that we're going to move forward with them and we're just going to credit them under a gnome daguerre. Yeah. Did they say what they want their names to be on the credits?

The Izod brothers. Footsteps in the dark. Now I'm annoyed. I've got these X, because we have to run and catch these flights. I got this XLR cable, the right angle one by one. Yeah, why'd you get that one? I don't know. But it makes me feel like a...

like Popeye. No, no. Hold it like a gun. Like you're going to shoot yourself in the mouth. Yeah, that's badass. Dude, that's cool, man. Do you think anybody does this? Do people do...

The sideways gun anymore? To kill themselves? Yeah. I mean, I guess you kind of have to. Yeah, no. No, honestly, this is... the cool thing about this show, I think, and this process, and I hope this is...

I mean, it's cool for me. I hope it's been cool for the audience. But the cool thing is to see two men, right, who were on the lowest... We're just young guys figuring it out. We're just... We're just too young guys figuring stuff out. Yeah.

Too bright-eyed young dreamers. No. To see two guys... Just getting our money taken from us, but being fleeced by NYU students. Here's the thing. They come to help us out, and they don't... They don't care.

And they disappear. Yeah. Narratively speaking, what you see is you see two guys who are on the lowest effort and slash quite successful comedy podcast whose friend left to do crowd work. And then we... And now we are...

And then we made a public proclamation that we were making a full-fledged television show. That's the other thing that's annoying about this. Look, I didn't realize... Narratively, I think that is very interesting. Sure, but I didn't realize it was going to take two and a half to three months to get this... Of course it does.

...to get the set built alone. Of course it does. Danny told me a week and a half. Danny was on ketamine. Danny is on ketamine. Danny also was like, hey, are you going to pay me? And he had been sending invoices to an e-mail address and made up.

It doesn't exist. He just made up. He's like, I've been e-mailing Nick Mullin, Adam Friedland Show at gmail.com. The first guy we hired to build a set. Don't register that e-mail and try to get money out of Danny, by the way. No, the first guy that we hired to do the set,

we were asking for designs and a quote for weeks. And I would call him and we'd have conversations and I'd talk to him the next day. And I'd be like, so yeah, anyway, we were talking last night and he was like, what do you mean we were talking? And he was like, sorry, dude, I was on too much K. Well, the thing is, I didn't think the joke,

the joke, building this set is a joke. And the joke was going on Jim and Sam and saying that you're going to create a talk show like no one's ever seen before. And then you rebuild quite possibly the most non-descript set from the longest running talk show. Yeah, something that was on the air in whatever iteration for 40 years.

It was a quick visual joke. It was not supposed to take too long. And we thought that the joke would be a razzle dazzle. No, no, no. We thought we were a P. No, no, no. Because what's happening in your mind is everybody who's watching, they're building

their own set in their head and they're imagining like they think there's going to be like a basketball hoop back there. Yeah, yeah. They think there's going to be like the skyline of Hong Kong and a basketball hoop. Yeah, ska posters. I'll tell you what, I like this.

This is way better. I love this set. I don't give a fuck what anyone says. I think this is gorgeous. We should post photos from just the iPhone back there because you guys really don't understand the sense of studio. It is really beautiful. It's really nice.

Yeah, I mean like, and honestly, I think just narratively speaking, seeing us go through this process and then seeing us, you know, trip up and then seeing us learn important lessons. Yeah. I think for an audience, I think that that's something to be appreciated. But yeah, we are moving forward.

And it was just making a joke on. But this, I think this is very instructive for our audience because I think that this is, they really care about, about how, you know, about how this process has gone. Look, we'll have a talk show. Did you just get a text in the pictures of a naked woman? No, it's actually it's Kurt Metzger. What?

His, his, his, what is it? Like his eye cloud images, him as a mermaid. Oh, it's him? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Perfect. I keep all my contacts of women as just their breasts. Yeah. Which I remember all the breasts of my life. Kurt's getting the guy, Kurt's getting the fellas, dude. Dude, Kurt's getting the guys together. This is, this is a sling blade. I'm calling the band up.

Yeah, we're getting the band back together. I'm fucking, I'm calling the band. Yeah. Yeah. We're getting professional TV writers. We're getting producers now. And I'll just, I guarantee you, I promise you, I will corral myself just in that world

and not overstep my bounds and try to make Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross, even though that is what I want. No, Nick. What we have to do is if we're here on this set, we have to make this real. We will. We will make it real.

And then once this, once this is done, once this is like, we have a weekly talk show, we get, we have a guest, we need a guest booker. We need a talent booker that has a calendar filled. They got, we got three weeks lead time with guests. We're going to have them construct an interview for you. There's a roadmap. It's not you just asking the same question

about Kanye and giggling regardless of who's on. Well, I just want to know what people think about what Kanye is. All right. No more of that, dude. We're going to, how, but I shouldn't know. No, we're going to, we're going to have, we're going to figure out how to,

we're going to turn you into Mike Wallace. One way or the other. It's going to happen. Jewish Mike Wallace. Yeah. Mike, Mike wallets. Mike wallets. Mike wallets.

Mike wallets. Yeah. No wallets. Like where you put your money. Yeah. Oh, okay. Mike wallets. That's the pun.

I was slow. Yeah. That's what, that's the stuff I need to be doing, dude. I need to be in a room with other racist men. Yeah. And one Indian lady. Yeah. Yeah.

She's so, she's so beautiful. Yeah. Gorgeous. Princess Jasmine. We can't stop looking at her. And we make, we keep calling her Princess Jasmine. Until she sues. She's like up from India.

Until she sues. Agrabah. Until she sues funny moms international. Why my LLC? Because I'm hiring people under your company. Okay, cool. For specifically. So it's all liability.

Yes. Yeah. Liability. Yeah. And then I handle. As long as I'll let you control. Then I handle the money. Take care of the money.

I handle the money side. You'll take care of all the liability stuff. I figured since you're a lawyer, you'd prefer that. I'm not a, I never went to law school. Yeah. Anyway. But that's the thing. I thought Francisco it cops this weekend, but it can go.

Tickets and then. Thank you to everyone who came out to the Long Island. Goochbees next weekend. And after I'm done with the road, I don't need to drink anymore. You know, because I'm only, I'm only, I'm only. Off the wagon. You're losing them. I thought we were making a good plan.

I thought this was a good appeal to the audience. Are you the people that care about us? Yeah. No, I mean it. I'd look, I needed to look. I just, there's no way to do stand-up if you're not drunk. I've tried for a decade, it's just not, it's not the same. It's bizarre.

Honestly, it is, it feels terrible. It's fucking bizarre. If you don't have a drink or two, it feels terrible. It doesn't feel terrible. It feels unnatural. It feels unnatural. Everyone else is drunk. Yeah.

Everyone else is drunk. You're trying to talk to a drunk person. Yeah. And if you're not drunk also, what are you going to... Yeah. You know what I mean? I mean that. And that's not something, look, no fucking sponsor can tell you otherwise, you know what

I mean? No sponsor. Yeah. Not yet. I got a ride on it though. You got it. You got it. Stop.

Stop. Yeah. What's that? What do you... I thought the Racine thing that we did, everyone thought it was, if we're doing a peek behind the curtain, everyone thought that was real swag, I thought that was like real movie magic that we did there. It was movie magic.

Yeah. And I really had to climb on that ladder. Yeah, it was pretty cool. I had to pull my pants down and climb up that ladder for half a second. We had to have a safety meeting, folks, on set, safety meeting. We got to start doing those safety meetings. Yeah. I want to leave the safety meetings with the crew.

Yeah. Yeah, that's my responsibility, host and safety meeting coordinate. Adam Safety, first Friedland. The Dean of Safety. Yeah. Dean is such a little weenie, middle name. Dean. Oh, I think...

My son's going to be a little worm, man. How would they know? I guess the name made the man. Yeah. Yeah. It was so funny. Another peek behind the curtain. We had a massive celebrity come to the studio on Sunday.

No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. I'm not going to say anything beyond that. No, no, no, no, no, no. But from the get go, they walked in to see the mess and him and his personal videographer just started cleaning our studio for us. Well, everybody does that, comes in here and cleans.

Yeah. Yeah. More than that, we need a girl. We do. We need a girl. And we got to stop. There's just... Every time a girl walks in the studio, she starts cleaning the studio.

The mice keep chewing on things in here, too. We have mice. We have a mice problem in the studio. Listen, folks. This is kind of fun. Yeah. Nothing. It's a lot of fun, dude.

Honestly, it is fun. I get pissed all the time. It's like, look, it's a very least it's got to be fun for at least us. If it's not fun, it's not worth it. You're right, exactly. That's the only thing you got to worry about in life, having fun and, you know, if you can take care of your family great and if you can't, you know, they can figure their own shit out.

Yeah. Have fun and find a way to assassinate a government official. Yeah. Yeah. Those are two things you should be worried about. We should do we should do more like it's not that we're on YouTube. We should do more like you guys. You can do anything you want as long as you have it.

Oh, like, yeah, like self help. So yeah, all you got to do is put your fucking dumb ass mind to it and then you can do whatever you want. What's today, the ninth? Yeah. No, no, no. Today's the eighth. The eighth.

So today's episode is brought to you by tomorrow's the ninth super special so tomorrow is the ninth. That's how we're super special Super O. G. X. Super special is Kraytum Kraytum it is Kraytum. In fact, it's Kraytum from Southeast Asia. It's shit that makes you feel it makes you feel right, dude, and maybe I'll pick some of that up to assist me in the production. What's that to help you with production?

Yeah, to help me wean off the fucking. You know what I tell you what's nice about like, like starting drinking again in your thirties is Oh, this is the website doesn't work anymore. Super special.com I really can't the hangovers are a fucking nightmare, dude. Yeah, I'll have two beers and I'm like just you're always the lightweight though. But I didn't get bad hangovers. Yeah, you're a younger man. Yeah, that's just something that comes with age.

But you would always have like three beers and be like, I fucking love you, dude. OK, no, I honestly it's literally was even before that I have like I'll have three sips of beer and then it just fixes my personality literally whatever the fuck is wrong with me. When Brandon Wardot was in town, yeah, he was like, he's been afraid of you for 10 years and you had a beer and he was like, he's so sweet. He's just such a nice guy. All right, here we go.

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Signature reserve. I just kind of sounds like deaf Chinese. Yeah. Yeah. No, no, no. This is Indonesian. That's the same. Yeah.

Family of language. It's Muslim time. Indonesia. Indonesia. Indonesia. Indonesia. The green, the red and the white they do they do different things. The red ship makes it it's a easy does it.

The green is crystal clear focus. It makes you fucking like like you're on like that pill that from limitless. Have you seen that movie? It's a movie about I think just Adderall basically. It's like a pill that he's a movie about Adderall. It's a movie about where he finds a pill where he can use a hundred percent of his brain. Bradley Cooper. It's not just a line from fucking defending your life was that in defending your life fucking

rip Torn's like you want to know what percentage of your brain was three percent. And then he goes you know where he says I use 47 percent. Some fucking line. Do you like that movie? I love that movie. I love Albert Brooks. Yeah. He's great.

Yeah. He is a really genuine artist. Real heart that guy. Yeah. He looks a lot like Phil. He does. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Shout out to my friend Phil. Congrats on your new job. Phil just gets more and more handsome every year. Yeah. Phil is really. I mean it's shocking now. Yeah.

He looks great. Yeah. Because they tell you they tell you as a man they're like oh a man age gracefully. Then we should like I just look like fucking shit now and I feel like shit and I'm look like I'm gonna it's just gonna get worse and worse. You look fine. I feel like a body dysmorphia. No.

I mean I just feel that's half of the thing that's holding us back in this project is you're editing and looking at your face and be like I want to fucking shoot myself. Well it doesn't look funny and don't look. I don't look like I'm having a good time. What's. You're. You're incredibly handsome. No.

But it doesn't. I don't. One of the funniest people in America. I don't look like I'm having a good time. All right. And that's what. And I'm not. You know that's part of it but yeah Phil just because that guy you know he was real goof

ball. Yeah. Ten years ago. Goof type Jew. Real ugly duckling. Yeah. No. He looks fantastic.

The story about me is about one of the other ducks that's like not particularly attractive sort of just like a faggot. No. No. You were like he gets older and then he did. Nothing happens. He just gets shittier. He starts drinking.

This mediocre duck. Do you remember that guy we saw yesterday the middle age guy we saw yesterday on the street. No. I asked. Yeah. Yeah. Why do we both start.

I don't know dude. That's like his body told an entire story. That's the bell. By the way. Super. Super special. So. Comprompt.

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Com. Super special. So. The shit is objectively good for you. Yeah. We're talking about seeing. Look at how long this like. The disclaimer is.

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I gave myself pins and needles. Cure disease diseases. When. From cratum. No. No. No. No.

You're stopping me. I can't move. Yeah. You can't live that life. Dude. You can't sit gay. Why the fuck. Is your body doing that.

What the fuck is pins? And why does that happen pins and needles? Yeah. About blood blood. That's what you get for sitting gay. You fucking asshole. That's what your leg's doing. God punishing.

Yeah. For being. Sit normal. You fucking freak. Just. Being stabbed. And your nerve root for fucking. It sucks.

Pins and needles suck. Yeah. The worst. You know what I used to do all the time? As I would sit on the toilet too long, staring at my phone and my legs. My legs would go so asleep that I'd get up and just fall face forward with my pants down.

Yeah. I like to take a 90-10. I can't even do that. And I'm like, I'm gonna make it. 90% chill, 10% action. I'm gonna make a TV show. Yeah. And then after that, learn how to go to the bathroom.

Where are you talking about? Oh, that guy we saw yesterday. The guy we saw, but I saw a good thing earlier today, just the homeless guy who had one of these. It just, you guys are familiar with the vape pen, but he was smiling. He's, he put his entire mouth.

I don't know why. I don't know why. He goes, I don't know why. And you see that and you're like, well, I guess that's why that guy's homeless. Yeah, yeah. Because you can't figure out basic things.

He opens doors with his mouth. He can't figure out that basic, yeah, that's so funny. Yeah, that's so funny. But you know, that would be very funny. God bless that guy. To try to open a door with your mouth. Donate to the Food Bank, New York, Bernie Sanders, whatever.

Yeah, whatever. Oh yeah, it's Super Tuesday today, election day. What are your predictions? Oh, I don't know. Are you voting? I'm not voting. I got a support. You can't have that Jew from Suffolk County

become the governor. Lee Zedlin. We can't have that crazy man. I got a support Ho Chil. I'm not voting. No. Well, our predictions for election day, this is coming out tomorrow or maybe today,

but I'm predicting a blue wave. Democrats sweep the board. In fact, advance in their majority. Your nose is leaking. Where? I don't know. Normally I wouldn't say anything, but you have just like fluid leaking out of your nose.

I just see it all the way. Do I get a Kleenex? I mean, I would get what you want, but we don't have Kleenex. Yeah, we don't. I steal toilet paper from the bathroom of our building. Anyway, don't say that. Don't be on record saying that.

I, on Minecraft. Oh, okay. That's a cool one to do. That was just, you're in court on trial. They're like, did you rape this young woman? You're like, yeah, in Minecraft. In Minecraft.

And the juror is like innocent. Innocent. Yeah. Innocent. This guy's cool. Innocent. This guy's bad at it. This guy's based.

Innocent. Innocent. Yeah. In Minecraft. In Minecraft. Yeah. What is Minecraft? It's like blocks or something?

It's a book Hitler wrote about his problems. What did he say to it? In the book Minecraft. Minecraft that Hitler wrote. Yeah. Minecraft. Yeah, Minecraft. That's very good.

Hey, thanks. You just fucking. I know. That's why you gotta be in that writer's room. I gotta just. I can't do these lights anymore, dude. You can't do the fucking lights anymore. I'm not.

I'm just, I'm a bro. And it takes it so seriously, guys. I'm a broadcaster. I can't help myself, dude. You know me, I'm a fixer. Honestly, out of all the feedback we got after the first episode with Shane, when Nick read the things about the lights,

he wanted to pop off. I think Ed did a good job, dude. Yeah. Ed did a great job. Oh, the color correct? Yeah, coloring it and crafting, you know, kind of. I completely agree. Well, I mean, we did.

We gave him, he took stills from Dick Havett and tried to match that. Yeah. And if you look at Dick Havett, it looks kind of like a clown's asshole. It does. It doesn't look very good. Yeah, it's very, it's like just smudgy and blown out.

Yeah. But what we see of the Dick Havett show is from it reposted on YouTube. So that, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So we're gonna do something different. We're gonna go stylized.

Yeah, we're gonna go super style. Yeah, we're gonna do something. We're gonna have to, we're gonna have to make the Adam Friedland show look like the Adam Friedland show. Yeah. Yeah, fuck Havett. So in, in, in 20 years. 25 years.

Yeah. 25 years. When we put out the first official episode. We're long dead. There's somebody that's like, we're gonna remake the Adam Friedland show. Yeah. But this time it's gonna be good

instead of a piece of shit. No, don't, don't get down on yourself. I'm not down on yourself. It's just, you know, everything has a shelf life. I mean, it does. It has shelf life. We've put out three episodes. Two episodes.

No, no, but I mean comedy and Jed, that's how comedy works. Oh yeah, of course. We all know that. It's fucking, like Mark Twain is the only guy who's ever done anything that's still funny a hundred years later. It's true.

It is still funny. Yeah. And it's only because he fucking just, Just that guy Jim. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. He knew, he knew the, the.

He knew the classic bit. Yeah. I'm calling a guy named Jim. Yeah, the Pandora's box of punchlines. He's just that now all throughout history, you open that word and ghosts come out and. Yeah. Like the, yeah, like a ghost buster.

Well, like the, like Pandora's box and. Yeah, like. Is it Pandora's box and Raiders of the Lost Ark or it's the Ark of the Covenant? Is that the same thing as Pandora's box? There's too many boxes that shit comes out of. That's right. You got X box.

You got Pandora's box. Yeah. You got a barrel of monkeys. Yeah. That game. Yeah. The children's game. Yeah.

Was it, how did that game even work? I think you had to link the monkeys arms into a long chain. But then how is that a game? I don't know. That's not a game. Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes you can get away with just packaging.

That's what we're trying to do with the Adam Friedland show. Yeah. We're trying to make. We're trying to make banana grams. We're trying to do razzmatas. Yeah. Yeah. Razzle dazzle.

Yeah. So what the hell is this black Adam thing? Are we suing them? Yeah. For copyright infringement. It hurts. Yeah. But I'm just focused on the show right now.

I don't want to get tied up in litigation. Yeah. I mean, I have a case. Yeah. I talked to Gloria Allred. Yeah. Yeah. She's a lawyer for women.

Gloria Allright. Gloria Allright. Mm-hmm. Gloria. Okay. It's a black lady lawyer named Gloria Okay. Okay. Gloria Okay.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah. And she's still around with Gloria Allred. Yeah. I don't know. What does she do again? She was a lawyer for like women.

What's going on with China? Yeah. Good question. Yeah. What do you think? I don't know. But these are these kind of like these little dead spots. You know what I've been thinking.

We'll be able to edit it out. And I mean, I don't want to rely on editing. Yeah. But we got to figure out a way. We got you got a stack. Here's my question. There's a card sitting there and everything you say off the card.

Don't read any of these. But anything you say off the card is like whoever you're talking to. Yeah. That's a good question. Which one? Condoms. Do you like them or do you love them?

No, that's a dumb joke question. I don't know. Were you buggered by the Tories at primary school? No, don't read these questions. Yeah. Yeah. I'm a journalist. People are going to figure out who we had on

based on the question. Princess Diana on the show. Yeah. How about Princess Guyana? She's like, where are the bananas? Where is Guyana? Where are the coconuts and the bananas? Is it in South America or Africa?

Does anyone have a coconut bra I could borrow? Yeah. That's good. It's me, Princess Guyana. Guyana. Yeah. Does anyone have a bongo and perhaps a coconut bra I could put on?

And it's a man wearing a grass skirt. It's Bulu from the Jungle Book. It's Bulu. Princess Guyana. Wait, here's my question about China, Nick. Yeah. Are they fucking over there? Yeah, of course.

They seem very busy and obviously they have a lot of people, but like... They fucked too much. Where do you go? They had to make laws saying you fucked too much. You made too many Chinese people. To get pussy. Like, what's...

What do you mean? How do you go get like a... Out to market. Is it, do they have arranged marriages or... No, you go to the wet market and get wet. You get wet. Yeah, you get some bat soup. Yeah.

You take a bitch out for a little bat soup. Yeah, you smoke some PCP and you hit the fucking shoppers food waste. Do they have, do they, they don't have controlled substances there? I don't know. Apparently the way they drink, my friend lived there,

the way they drink is like they just sit at a table until everyone's black out. That's how, that's just a bar. You're just describing a bar. I guess so. I remember that guy ping, ping you, pong you? The fat Chinese guy, the tornado guy? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He ruled. Yeah. Why did they stop him from doing his thing? I'm sure he fucking like, gave a thumbs up to an American flag and they put him in prison or something. He's with the Uyghurs? I don't know if he's with the Uyghurs.

What's going on with the Uyghurs, do you know? Is it still just a funny word to say? I heard what's going on, but I don't want to say it on the internet. We gotta cut the interviews parts where it's just you saying words that you think are funny and like snickering. Like we can't do anymore of that with guests, you know?

It's gonna be. I have to be serious. You do have to be serious. You can have fun, but we do have to be serious. You can't have fucking, you know, who's a guest? Who do you want on the show? Dream interview. I'll get it.

We'll make it happen. Or I'll find, I'll hire somebody that can hire somebody that can make it happen. Rihanna? Yeah, Rihanna. You want Rihanna? Yeah. And then you can't sit here with Rihanna and be like,

why is there an H in your name? What is an H doing? I think that's a pretty good question. Is it Rihanna? Like the way Hank Hill would say it? That's good. You don't think she'd like that? And then you do that coffee maker laugh.

You sound like a dying fucking currig. I was like, fuck, I hope this thing's under warranty. You don't think that'd be a good question for Rihanna, that would be pretty good. No, no questions like that. Why the H? I've always wondered that. We got, this is why I mean,

we need to hire somebody that can ask you real questions. And not just H and giggling. It can't be an unanswerable question because the question can't be a setup for you to make. The question can't be a joke. for you to then say, like, how could she possibly answer that question? What is the H in there for?

It's her name, you know what I mean? Well, maybe it stands for something like, ho. No, no, no, I'm not bringing Rihanna on the show for you to call her a whore. I'm not going to do it. You're not doing that. But she's written her songs she talks about. That could be an interview question.

In your songs, you talk. OK. And you're already starting to do it. Because I know where you're going to go. You're going to say, what is a rude boy? No. You're going to say, in your song, you have a lyric that says, come on, rude boy, boy.

Or can you get it up? Come on, rude boy, boy. Are you big enough? And how big is enough? Yeah. Well, it's a huge jump from basic functioning penis to your dick has to be huge. Because that's where the inquiry starts.

Can you get it up? Can you get it up? Sure. Is your dick huge? Well, hold on now. Hold on. Exactly. There's space in between there.

It's always bothered me when I've heard that song. Can you get it up? Of course. Are you big enough? What is enough? To have sex. Technically, guys with micro penises could have sex. No, there was some, like, reality show

that I saw one time about guys with micro penises. What is that? And there was one guy, dude, who was one of the saddest things I've ever seen. I don't even know why he let them film this. Like, who's agreeing to go on that show? But this guy, he's married. He's got a wife.

And he's like, I just hope we can finally have sex. Because I guess they never fuck. Because sometimes your dick can be so small, and you can be so fat that they have something. And it's so rude of them to even pretend this is a disease. But they call it Hidden Penis Syndrome, which they, like, at least give it a Greek name. You know what I mean?

You can't call it Hidden Penis Syndrome. Just name it after that guy's last name. Yeah, no, it just looks like fucking. Jefferson Syndrome. Yeah, no, it looks like somebody dropped the marble on over-proofed pizza, though. It's just a fucking, like, a belly button. He's got, like, another.

It's just in there. It's like an innie, but you can, like, say it. Hello? Anybody home? It's, like, down the hole. You know, yeah. Wow, so it's, like, in his body. It's just in his body somewhere.

And then it just peaks out maybe with a little motor? Yeah, it's like a little groundhog. Yeah. Wow, it's Puxetani Phil. Yeah, it tells you how much more spring we're going to have. It comes out and just bites. And then, yeah. It just takes a little dip.

You've seen that video, right? It's very cute. Puxetani Phil biting the mayor's ear. No. The mayor of Puxetani PA. Yeah, he's got the groundhog through his ear, and he's listening to it. And this fucking thing, it's like, it lives in a cage.

Yeah. And it doesn't know it has a job. And it doesn't. No, it's just a prison. Yeah, it does a slave. It's just this big rat that fucking wants to go eat cheese in a hole. And they fucking, they're just holding it like a big catered

sandwich to the mayor's ear. How does the thing know if it sees its shadow? Yeah, something like that. And it just, the mayor is listening to it, and it just bites, and it gets him. And it's like, it gets him for a second, and it pulls away. But you can see the fucking this little guy, and then they just pull it away and put it back.

But we'll be talking about, oh, yeah, the hidden penis syndrome. And so, yeah, this guy has to go get surgery. Do you remember one time we were laughing? I forgot where we were, but that micropenis is a medical designation. So literally, you have to go to a doctor. A doctor tells you that you have a spulph.

Yeah, it's very funny. Like, going into an office, he has this degree body, but he's like, sir, you have a spulph. I went to eight years of college. There's just plastic guts on the table. Yeah, yeah. It was fucking the, the. Yeah, diagram of the heart.

Inside of the stomach. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, so this guy has a hidden penis syndrome. And he goes in for a surgery and he's like, yeah. So they're going to like expose my penis. They're going to cut away all the fat around my penis to bring my penis out so I can put it in my wife. And, and you know, where are the balls?

What? Where are the balls? They're in there somewhere. They're in the hole. They're kind of doing their own thing. The balls are. They're. They're minding they own them.

Yeah, they're kind of, they're like the ball, the balls, the balls are like, they're off somewhere else. Somebody comes by like, where's the dick? They're like, I don't know. No, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

No, I don't know. No, but. And, and, and yes, and. Yeah, what? Oh, yeah. So this guy goes into surgery and they just like fades to black and it comes out and they're like, well, his heart wasn't in good enough shape to do the surgery.

So they just wake him up and they tell you, no chance. Your dick's hidden forever. Do these are crying? Yes. Of course. Yeah. It's so sad. And then a director somewhere was like, get this, dude.

Get this. Get him crying. And go to switch to camera B. Yeah. Let's get camera penis on the. Let's get camera penis. Let's, we'll do a split screen and we'll show his penis. Tucked away forever as this man cries on fucking on TLC.

It's psychotic. That's heartbreaking. Yeah. That is heartbreaking. Yeah. Oh, that poor guy. Yeah. But he still had a wife.

I know. She was she was. That's that's my that's my favorite thing I do now at this point because it's like I am I'll probably die alone, honestly, I get I get worse and worse at, you know, I just at this point, I'm just, you know, I'm watching my friends disappear, you know. But all your friends are done.

But then I'll just project that onto like just everything else. Just like being obsessed with that yeti cooler subreddit. I'm like, oh, these guys are fucking. And then you read the post and it's like me and my wife went camping this week and I'm like, yeah, he's not happy. Dude, he's fucking this guy's a freak. Yeah. Yeah.

He's probably a really well adjusted guy. He's really to his water bottle. Yeah. My cat's just throwing up on my pants. Yeah. I'm eating fucking just expired pretzels for this fucking loser. Yeah.

Right. Laughing about it with my other friend is, you know, in a similar. Yeah. That guy has a wife. That's true. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Look at us. We have this. You're in a relationship. You live with your girlfriend. You guys, you guys have a great time together. You got to do stuff all the time. She likes activities.

She wanted to go in the mood. She did. That was funny. That was that was funny that that dumb bitch tried to fucking tried to do some twee shit. I'm there. We're all hanging out. Trying to do France.

She's like, let's go. Yeah. Right. And then what I what am I supposed to do? There was a there's a comeback. You're just standing on the street waiting for you. Waiting for you guys to finish. You know that I don't want to go.

Right. Yeah. I mean, you saved my ass, too. Oh, look at that. Moon bounce. The moon bounce. Yeah. What if we go picked fucking blueberries afterwards?

Yeah, let's go to an apple orchard. Yeah. And then I'll do and then I'll do what? I'll just hang out with the goats. Yeah, yeah. Just yeah, you're at the petting zoo. They're telling you you're scaring the children. Today's episode of the Adam Freeland show is also brought to

you by Ridge Wallet Ridge Wallet Ridge Wallet. I use it myself. Look, now we're on camera. I can show you guys. Here's Wallet. Here's a little cross promo. Best wallet I've ever had. Adam's got the backpack somewhere in here.

We both do. No, I didn't bring my backpack today. The Ridge Wallet. This thing's great. So if you guys are members of the Patreon, patreon.patreon.com slash T-A-F-S, you saw our tour documentary and you saw it prominently featured. Nick and I both have the commuter backpack from Bridge.

It's fantastic, honestly. The zipper is really cool. Have you ever seen how it works? A zipper? No, it's covered so that if it's raining, your laptop won't get wet. There's a way, but it's not like a flap. So it's waterproof.

But yeah, it's like this locking system that's not on your fly. Well, I have to have that on my fly also because of my. Because of the water. Because I pee all the time. You pee? Yeah. And the pee comes out.

Yeah, yeah. The jet stream is so strong. Well, because of my hidden penis syndrome. Hidden penis. It's actually, it's pee from months ago that builds up in my crevice. They don't talk about how men with HP they have incredibly powerful streams.

Yeah. Yeah, I've got HP. Yeah, I got HP. Yeah, I did the 5K for HP last week. I've been suffering from HP for my entire life. I may just sign up for the New York Marathon and say you're out here running for raising money for HP. What's that, Harry Potter?

And then now, hidden penis. HPS. Yeah, my brother-in-law's got HPS. This cool item on Ridge, which is a key case. So it's like, you spend your whole life with these damn keys on rings, right? They have this thing that's like, they all fold into a case. Yeah, that's pretty cool.

Remember to talk into the mic. Yeah, yeah, I don't know. There's a gesturing. That seems like something Nick would get into. Oh, they got watches now also. Let me see. I'm looking at it. Is it a simplified watch to simplify your life?

I don't know, they look pretty nice. And they got the air tag. Air tag cash strap. Oh, cool. So you can put an air tag on the wallet pretty easily. Wow, they really leveled up. They've really stepped up their game. And we've been with them since the beginning

when it was just a wallet. They got a pen now. They started off as a GoFundMe or something, right? Now they got commercials on taps, and they got commercials on the motherfuckers. What the fuck is this? The packable backpack? Let me see.

I don't know. I want that, dude. I'm going to send back the one I have. Why? Because they got new stuff. They're always innovating. They are really always innovating. So whether it's wallets, backpacks, key cases.

What else? They have air tag. They got knives. Knives, watches. They find a way to simplify all of your basic items that you carry with you every day. And you don't think twice about it. But they find a way to make it more efficient.

And if there's anything Nick and I like, as you can tell, for spending $100 and probably some of them are $1,000 and counting, it is efficiency. We live with efficiency. You're hand shaking? Yeah. You have tremors? Yeah.

I haven't been sleeping. Why not? It's just stressed out. Come on, bro. Yeah. You're going to have a nice weekend this weekend. Hopefully. This one seems fine, I think.

What's it? This hand's fine. Oh, your masturbating hand. That's your gun. I think so. That's your left hand. You don't need that. That was, yeah.

Who gives a fuck about the left hand, bro? It doesn't matter at all. Guys, they got all these fucking things. They have phone cases. The backpack is fucking fantastic. I use it all the time. I've brought it, take it through airport security all the time as a traveling man.

Anyway, these pens also look really nice, too. Yeah, they're good. Anyways, go to RidgeWallet.com. Use promo code COMTOWN or COMTOWN20. You know what, fuck it. No drinking this weekend in San Francisco. All right, it's up to you. You're going to ruin the show.

Come out, but keep in mind, that won't be drugs. Were you at Cobbs? Cobbs, yeah. Yeah. It's a good club? Yeah. I can't, I can't do it. I've got to stop.

Yeah, but you're in the zone. You've got to figure your shit out, dude. I thought it'd be fine. It started off with like, oh, I have a glass of wine with dinner, and now it's just, I can't. Now you want a beer. Well, now I want, yeah, just beers every day. Yeah, because you love beer.

Because it's, yeah. You're fucking beer head. You're a beer head. I don't know. It sucks. On one level, the world sucks. Who fucking cares? On another level?

You know what my fear was for like 10 years? And you got to do what's right for you. The time I spent sober, I was always like, well, I could always start drinking again. Like shit sucks. Well, your plan was to start at 30. Yeah, it was like, well, shit sucks, I can always start drinking again.

But then I always had this fear that that won't be the answer. You know what I mean? I don't think that's the answer. And then I did it, and it's not the answer. I do not think that's the answer. Yeah, it's not. And then it's like, well, there's nothing else to do now. I guess I got to, you know what, honestly.

I mean, I was with you last night. I had two beers, I had three beers, yeah, I mean, like that's not it's not. I'm not going crazy. You're not going crazy off of it, but it's not good for you. I mean, it doesn't make you feel good, especially the next day. I need to be going to the gym. I need to schedule and take care of myself and the fucking thing. And we need some because that's all you do it.

You do it. We need camera ops and lights. I've never regretted going. I'm missing camera. Yes, I've never regretted going. So because you are like to be honest with you. And I'll say this again about about our buddy Nick. You are you are taking on too much.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you love it too. It's fun, dude. It's a lot of fun. But then you get to the end of it. And it's like, you know, I mean, I just just wipe it but wipe it on your sleeve. Come on, let's finish the episode. Just wipe it on your sleeve.

You should have, you know, you do this all the time. You know, you sneeze. You know, you're a sneezer. Let's just get through this and we're back and we're back. I like being honest, dude. It's more like being honest, too. It's more fun to be honest. What do they think?

What do they think? I don't know. They think we're some sort of like flim flam men. What does that mean? Like like high? I have no idea. Blow my nose, dude. You just did on your sleeve.

I didn't blow it. I wiped my nose. But now I have boogers still in my nose. No, you're fine. Stop, stop. All right, fine. Sorry. We're going to do more, we're going to do more sincere sobriety

chat. Yeah, everybody's everybody's favorite thing. I don't know. Yeah, this is a good example for kids, you know. Yeah, for all the kids that listen to the show. Yeah, they're mad kids listen to the show. Yeah. Like kids in between, like.

I guess this shit, too. This shit, this is the fucking. That's yeah, it makes you know. Just a fact that we're all just like pretending that this is better than cigarettes. And also a cigarette is a nice. Oh, yeah, that's that's yeah, right. Chinese perfume.

That's probably better for your fucking body. Yeah, it's inhaling. But unknown chemicals from the literal enemy. The Chinese do this. Yeah, of course. I'm pretty sure. I thought it was like a family of chill, Cali kind of stone.

Chinese make everything. Yeah, they do. This one like is like a like Apple made it. Like the like the metal cases of yeah. Also, it's just so wasteful. You blast through this and you just throw it in the trash. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

So what else we got? This is why we need, you know, those cue cards. We can do like interview stuff. No. All right. Anyways, so yeah, we'll talk about the election. Are you going to vote for real today? Yeah, I got a Pennsylvania fake ID,

so I can vote for for Fetty Wap. Oh, nice. Yeah. How's he doing? I don't know. He's probably going to win, right? I think regular folks don't like Dr. Oz, like folks that would vote for Republicans.

Why? Because he's bitch, dude. Yeah, yes. Yeah, he's not cool. He's not. Yeah. He's just someone that has a TV career, but not because he's like cool.

Mm-hmm. Right? Yeah. Because he's mean. What do you think? There's no reason to run out the clock on this. We're 54 minutes. Well, guys, thanks for joining us.

You're done? Yeah, whatever. I mean, what, to just repeat things we said about Dr. Oz for another five minutes for no reason? When did we talk about Dr. Oz? A couple of weeks ago. We talked about that when Shane was here. Oh, Shane.

Yeah, Shane said he was a bitch, too. Guys, stay tuned. We're going to get the producer. We'll get another editor. We'll figure this out. I'll stop fucking with these lights. I'll get sleep. I'll put my room together.

You need to get sleep with my guys. And then, yes, the Adam Freeland show will happen. We're good. Don't put it that way. Guys, don't worry about what we're saying. Don't worry. Hey, don't worry. Don't worry.

We're going to worry for you, but you don't worry. You don't. We're incredibly worried. Don't worry about a thing. All right, see you next week, guys.