The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. P13 – Caleb Pitts 2

Episode Date: April 14, 2023

A convo with friend of the show Caleb Pitts   hey guys, thanks for watching. if you want – subscribe to our youtube channel at youtube.com/@TheAdamFriedlandShow for interview clips, sketches, desk pieces, cold opens & more. THANK YOU ALL FOR THE SUPPORT. /// ***NICK WILL BE AT MILWAUKEE IMPROV in Milwaukee, WI 4/21-4/22*** ***ADAM WILL BE AT HELIUM COMEDY CLUB in Portland, OR 4/27-4/29***

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Adam Friedland Show, Adam Friedland Show podcast show. It's the video version of the Adam Friedland Show podcast. This is episode... Dave? Nine? Nine of the podcast or nine of the show? I think it's VP09.

This is video podcast episode nine, Adam Friedland Show podcast episode probably 11, huh? I'm not positive with the numbers. Doesn't matter. We're joined today by Caleb, our good friend, Adam's good friend for his bachelor... You said Adam, you said our good friend Adam's good friend. Well, our friend, Adam's good friend. Okay. Yeah.

I don't want to, you know, I don't want to be like, I don't want to lie. We haven't hung out. Yeah. What's that about? I don't know. I'd be more than willing to. Why do I not like you? Well, the reality is most people do not like me.

Yeah. Yeah. So I kind of just take that as a given across the board. Anyways, Caleb joins us. Adam, as you can see, Dave, camera one. Absent. Are we on camera, are we on camera one? Yes.

Chair is empty. Nothing. So Adam is not missing. He's, he's in the back, just cruising for the time being. He's not missing himself. But you're probably watching at home or listening. And if you'd like to watch, go to patreon.com slash T-A-F-S and sign up. We need your support now more than ever.

With Elon Musk's crackdown on center left media, the Adam Freeland show has become invisible on Twitter. And it's up to the viewers and the corporation for public broadcasting to provide us with the funding to keep this show going. And that is a joke sort of, but also very serious. Need money. We do, we won't, you know, we're fine. Look, if you like the show, throw us whatever you can, we'd appreciate it until we figure

out how to get more YouTube subscribers because we neglected that for years. It's tough. And, and we don't know, now we're old, now we're old people. Have you ever played Minecraft? No. Any interest? Oh, should I start doing that? I think you might like it.

How will that help? People just, people just search like kids, search Minecraft. We need more children. If you know any children, tell them to watch the Adam Freeland show. And we're actually, this is, we haven't announced it publicly yet. We're starting the Adam, the Adam Freeland kids show, which is going to be a clean version of the Adam Freeland show. And Adam will be replaced with a non-Jewish person.

Well, is it, is not kid-friendly to be... On camera? No. Okay. If you notice that, I mean, there's, there's Jewish people. A lot of angles. There's a lot of Jewish people throughout media, but unfortunately, and it's not the Jews fault, but, you know, a hundred years of anti-Semitic media that frankly a lot

of them funded themselves. It's like the stereotypical image of the devil. They're kind of like, they're scary looking to children. Yeah. Well, we're trying to, we're going to slowly, we're going to get like gentiles, and each one we replace every episode, they look more and more like Adam. Okay. So sort of...

Taper it up. Yes. Yeah. Normalize, or how, how would you say, groom children into accepting Adam's... Okay. You're going to groom kids into being okay with seeing Adam's nose. Yes. Right.

Exactly. Well, it's not the nose so much. It's kind of the whole package. I always thought Jewish people had nice noses, honestly, frankly. Yeah. But like that's probably their most powerful feature. It seems like a weird thing to go after them for, you know, because they're so maligned for being, you know, kind of like Spindley and, you know, I love these other...

No, no, I see what you're doing. You pick the one thing about them that's like, you know, they all have, yeah, they all have George Washington's nose, you know, this like powerful nose and say, oh, that's, actually it's, that's the thing I have a problem with. It's... It's deflecting a little bit. It is. It is deflecting.

Yeah. Maybe they came up with that in the first place. Maybe. Who knows? Yeah, I look. I can't understand how the world works. But we had a bunch of topics that we want to get into that we were discussing before the show.

First and foremost, Tequila makes you want to have diarrhea. Yeah. I had one shot at Tequila and got, as you said, Montezuma's Revenge. Yes. Have you ever been to Mexico? I've never been to Mexico. Any interest? You'll go with me to Tulum?

Yes. No, I would... No. Yes. I would love to... I did not say no. I do the thing... You know, sometimes you say, people would like, hey, do you want to go to the bar?

Or like, have you ever had any interest in doing this? And you'd be like, no. Yeah, totally. You say no first. It's just like... Oh, just like a tick? Yeah. Yeah.

I think I'd do that. But yeah, I would love to go to Mexico. Me too, man. I want to go badly. I just don't... I don't really have the time. I mean, if you can go anywhere, you can go to Mexico. It's not that long of a flight.

It's not that the flight is too long. It's just having time off. Yeah, a weekend. You're such a hard worker that you can't even take a little bit of time off. Well, you know. I mean, yeah, kind of. Sort of. How many hours do you think you're putting up here?

It's not work work. I mean, this show, we've... Yeah, we've been here, what, five hours? Yeah. Cumulatively, me and Adam put in six hours a week on the Adam Prudence Show. And then touring, you know, I mean, I guess you fly out Friday, you do the shows, and then you fly out late Saturday night after the shows. That's two days that are knocked out.

So I work three days a week, but I trash my apartment. I get home and I'm like, you know, I just, like, you know, I listen to fucking Rob Zombie. That's cool. I trash my whole apartment and then I have to spend days cleaning it up. There's feces everywhere. And you consider that you're on the clock? Well, it's work. Yeah.

I mean, there's stuff to do. Yeah, certainly. It's a lot of feces. But the... No, I would love to go to Mexico. Do you speak Spanish? Espanyol? Oh, Pocito.

Pocito. That's what everybody says. Yeah. And then they don't. And then they don't speak Spanish. Pocito. That's a little bit. Yeah.

I guess you're right. I need to go to Mexico. I think that I would find out a lot about myself. Hey, in what regards? I just... I've never been out of the country. Yeah. So I think that that would be a big...

I think that's probably going to be... There has to be the first place I could go. I think they would be scared of you down there. Me? Because like I said, it's incredibly... If I dressed like this, they would. The more I've gotten to know you more, the more I talked to you, you remind me of Judge Holden from Blood Meridian. Yeah.

And then with the suit, it's like now it's... Now that you're just... I'm at a nine. Yeah. You're just a little over there. Yeah. You're going to go rape and murder a child and then dance in the moonlight. No, I probably won't do that.

Okay. All right. No interest. I wouldn't judge you if you did. If I raped and murdered a child, you would not judge... Well, I'm an actor. I feel like... Less not.

You guys just embodying a character. Because you told me you would feel responsible though, because you said Judge Holden. Oh. No, I would never feel responsible for... Anything. No, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Certainly not art.

Yeah. You know. Do you think you've made any men do evil, evil things? No. No. No, that's the one thing I'm proudest of is Cumtown was probably the only podcast that didn't have a mass shooter. You're right. It's literally...

It's kind of amazing. The only one. Yeah. Wait, wait, wait, don't tell me? Of course. Car talk? Car talk, for sure. Definitely car talk.

Yeah. I think that's how they got that. Well, car talk is responsible for the guy in the east that drove that truck through... He learned that he fixed it up. Well, I just didn't know. Do you think they knew about cars and trucks? Fuck no. In the desert?

No. Before Car Talks. No. It was two guys from Boston. Yeah. I mean, I tell you, there's another two guys from Boston that did some... They also listened to Car Talk. Well, yeah, they were from Boston.

Yeah. They were brothers. Why wouldn't they? They were like, oh, this is for us. That was the coolest one ever. What? The Sarnab brothers? That was the coolest one ever.

It will never be topped. What I would have known was if they had the voice. We never found that out. The Boston boys? They must have. The department? Yeah. They lived there their entire lives.

Yeah. They're like, yeah, what if we got a rice cooker? You know? What if we got a pressure cooker? They'd take out that fucking marathon. And then they did it. They did it. They certainly did.

No, I was thinking about Montezuma's Revenge. Yeah. And that's funny. It's funny to me to call that Revenge. That that's the best that Montezuma could do. Yeah, especially to like a Spaniard. Right. His entire family is genocide.

Yeah. And what? He just... Yeah. He made him so he shits on his portion of beans. Three diaries. Yeah, exactly. Gotcha.

Yeah. Yeah. That we drink all the time. Yeah, right. Kind of anti-climactic. Yeah, you got us. As far as revenge. What I...

If I was... I would be like... If I lived in Mexico and someone... Like I was just a guy living in Mexico and my neighbor came to me and he was like, my daughter was raped at school. I'd be like, it sounds like Montezuma's Revenge to me. It sounds like Montezuma finally got his revenge. I don't think Montezuma...

Also, as far as a God is concerned, why is this guy spending all his time on diarrhea? Also, who was Montezuma? You mind if I use this? Yeah, sure. He was like a big fat sumo wrestler. I don't... I could not tell you. I thought Montezuma was the dragon on the side of the pyramids.

The house? Pretty cool style. I mean, it could have been based off of... The sphinx you're thinking of. Oh, that's what it is. Did you see the Mario movie? I didn't. I want to.

I'll tell you, I can't wait to see that Mario movie. It looks funny. But, you know, with the courts, I have to wait until it's an adult swim at the movie theater. You're not catching a matinee on that. Yeah. You know what's weird? I've never assaulted a child. They just took one look at me and preemptively said, you're going on the sex adventure.

You're going for that a little bit, though. Am I? You fucking... Look at your fucking muscles. You shaved today. You did that. Am I? Yeah.

Am I? You look... What's that movie? Lovely Bones vibe coming from you. Lovely Bones? You know who else made a Lovely Bones reference on our show? Apparently a brutal pedophile movie. His...

What's his name? Ben Margera. He likes Lovely Bones. He made a Lovely Bones reference on the podcast. Wow. Yeah, I'm a good company. That's the only thing I remember from the Ben Margera. I thought you guys were going to, like, fix him or something.

What do you mean, fix? I mean, like, get his life on track. Step in. Like, after the fact? He doesn't remember us. That's sad. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. And it's like, you know, we can say, oh, he did our show, then his life fell apart. But really... It was already so bad. Well, it was Vinny Beetle. Well, you know what the comments on his Instagram say? They say bam died when Ryan Dunn died. Oh.

Pretty much everything. Every post. What kind of car was he driving again? Fastest fucking super car in the world. 127 miles an hour. That's not...is that fast? I mean, to me. Yeah.

That seems like most cars go that fast. You're not supposed to do it all the time. Yeah. Into a turn. I don't think he was doing it all the time. I think he was. I was probably caught up to him. I don't think the media was like, didn't you think he shouldn't be driving 120 miles?

No, they did. Yeah. He did Larry King. Yeah. He was like, stop doing 127 every time you're on the road. Yeah. And then... And he said, what's the worst thing that could happen?

Yeah. And then his head became wide screen around the fucking oak tree. Yeah. Damn. That sucks for him. I think that's probably the best possible way to die for that guy, though. Especially if you're a jackass guy. Yeah.

I mean, you know, it's... You can either be that or the first guy to die from getting hit in the nuts. Like, I would choose the drunk driving thing every day. The nuts thing has... Isn't that how Houdini died? And some of you would bring people on stage and be like, kick me in the nuts as hard as you can, and then some guy who was like a professional cyclist or something came up. No, I think that's what happened.

This feels like a thing where I'm going to say, no, that's not right. And then you're going to be 100% right. No, I'm pretty sure, yeah. He'd put a straight jacket on and he'd be like, now fucking kick me in the balls. And then people would come up and they would kick him in the nuts and he wouldn't react. And people would be like, this is the greatest magic I've ever seen. How much magic do you have to do to get to that point where you're like, this is the... Oh, fuck it.

I guess I'll have people kick me in the balls. He was just the only magician. Yeah. Like magic, prior to Houdini, magic was just like something that like Arab people did, I think. Yeah, it was Johnny Carson did it. There was nothing... No, it was before Carson.

Oh, you're right. It was way, way back. There was nothing to do in the desert other than fight dogs and do car tricks. Play with snakes. Yeah, right. That looks fun. Yeah. Yeah.

That fucking dumb ass snake. Yeah. He's like, oh shit, I love movies. Yeah, but that's got to be the worst part about that job, is spending all that time finding a gay snake. Yeah, the snake that loves... You just got to go up in the cova pit and you're like, which one of you guys is a homo? Fucking bite him.

Which one of you? Yeah. Which one of you is a gay snake? You're going into a wicker jail for the rest of your life where you can only pop out when I'm playing covers. Ooh. Yeah. What's that?

Ooh, damn. Damn. Turn that up. Yeah. Yeah, that's got to be rough. That's got to be a thing. But yeah, Houdini was the guy that was like, I'm just going to find this thing. Cultural appropriation.

That was a big thing you can get by. Yeah, I mean, the only Houdini stuff I've ever seen is he would go to the bottom of the ocean. Yeah. Which is pretty cool. Yeah. I was like, I've been, you know, I was thinking about those old days and those old time performers and stuff.

I was getting more, I get worried about the economy all the time. Yeah. Because I just read, I only read right wing news because it's more fun. It is women. I don't really give a fuck about what's going on in the world. I don't have opinions, but conservative doomsday news is way more fun to read. It's so cool news. It's so much better.

I was like, Hunter Biden is pressing the nuclear launch buttons with his penis. Yeah. And it's like, then you go to MSNBC and they're like, there's not going to be enough money for the Girl Scouts. Yeah. It's like, who gives a fuck? So, but they're, they're always, because there's an economic version of that, right? Like zero hedge, I guess, you know?

And so they're like, oh, you know, like if it's Democrats in office or like, oh yeah, the whole economy is going to collapse, it's going to be like the Great Depression. And everyone's like, you know, getting worked up and like, oh fuck, what if, what if I lose everything because I didn't work to get it? Yeah. Right? So I have no idea how to get it back. Yeah.

And it also wouldn't, do you think it would sting worse than somebody who earned it or not as much? Oh, way worse. Way worse because you're like, oh, I fucking won the lottery and somebody swiped it from me. Yeah, basically. Yeah. No, I literally won the lottery.

Do you ever think, do you ever sit, I was at the park the other day with my dog. Well, let me just finish the point. Oh, yes. But you know, I was worried about it on his venting and somebody, oh, you'll be fine. But it's like, you know, you think, I think about the Great Depression a lot. And it's like, you know, there's these people that were like, what is that, that, that, that Bessie Smith song about being a millionaire, maybe not a millionaire anymore. I don't know.

It's before my time. But you know, you think about like performers and they had everything and they lost it all, you know, during the Great Depression. And it's like, okay, well, a lot of people were covered, right? But I like, who didn't was the blackface performers. Yes. And I'm basically that I'm, oh, okay, I'm, I'm just a, like a shitty racist comedian. When the economy comes back, there's not going to be, yeah, it's like, this, this is like,

this is basically, people get drunk off my content. So at like, and now at this point now, you're like, it's three o'clock in the morning, you're 18 beers deep, right? That guy'll keep drinking as long as he doesn't go to sleep and sobered. Not the second. The second, the second you get, takes a break. He wakes up in the morning and he's going to say, I'm a, I'm an alcoholic and you get my life together.

You know what I mean? Yeah. So that's going to be me post. That's how the blackface guys probably were fucking. They come out of the Great Depression and they're like, all right, well, this is still amazing. Wow. Yeah.

They're like, I guess I'll go do blackface. Yeah. And you have like, you know, people are going to see movies, yeah. Not animation. Oh yeah. True. Yeah. They're better too.

Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. They're singing and they got their original songs. Exactly. Yeah. Right. They were doing the research.

There's a depression next year. We wrecked for four years and then I come back and I'm doing fucking Mustang Sally and blackface. It's not going to happen. No. Yeah. No, it's pretty sad. Yeah.

Maybe you could make a pivot. To what? I think that you could be a cable news anchor. That would be awesome. I think that you would be. As long as they didn't have to wear a suit or cut my hair. Yeah. You'd hate to wear a suit, huh?

Yeah. I don't look good in a suit. What do you think of my look? I think you look good. You look like Judge Holden. Yeah. Shut up. You look like a mythical western pedophile.

Yeah. Gang leader. Yeah. Yeah. It's exciting. Yeah. Do you like that book? What?

Blood Meridian. Never read it. You should read it. I looked it up after you told me I looked like him. Yeah. I've never even heard of it. Really? There is a million little pieces.

Oh, okay. Stuff like that. It's about drug addicts. What's a million little pieces about? That's a good one. There's this guy who lied about being addicted to drugs. I've met a craziest life ever. He got on Oprah's book club and then he got exposed because he just made it all up.

He was just like a loser. Yeah. It's kind of cool. That's great. It'd be funny to do that with something else. I was a pedophile that raped hundreds of children. We're at a whole novel about it. Yeah, right.

And then you just stop, and then people are more mad at you for lying about it. Well, you know that guy. You're like, I didn't kill myself because I thought you raped and murdered those kids. You know that guy? Have you ever seen the Iceman tapes, the interview with the mafia hitman dude on HBO? It's like... You know Mr. Cool Ice? You remember that one?

Yeah. I love Mr. Cool Ice. Future Halloween costume. German retard. Yeah, and he's gotten more since then. Which is cool. Now he has cool ice on his neck and shit. He found out that it was on the internet, and he was like, oh fuck, I'll do it again.

Whoever's doing that to him is like the Jack Kevorkian of tattoo artists. Definitely. Bad, bad guy. Yeah, experimental. The guy, the tattoo artist, it's like, yeah, I'll write Mr. Cool Ice on you and fuck impact font. Yeah. No problem.

That's the worst part about it. Is that his all one thing? It's all shit. And he's doing line work skeletons and shit. Yeah. It's all the Linux fonts. Yeah, he has a skeleton on the back of his head. Yeah.

So that's what he, I think he's arrived now at, if you look at him from the back, you might think he was just bones. But didn't it start off that way? Isn't that the original picture? Oh, maybe. Is something staying there on his back? Well, I know he has something on his back, but now he also got cool ice multiple more times.

Awesome. Yeah. What was I saying, man? Oh, the Iceman tapes. Yeah. So it's this guy who is a... Real quick, Dave, do we have reeds this week? Yeah.

Okay. Iceman tapes. Yeah, we've lost all our advertising money. So we need, well, not me. You guys need more money. We do. The Iceman was... Struggling, even.

Hurting. Dyer straights. It's getting bad. It's definitely getting, we've spent too much money on things that we haven't seen return on. Yeah. That's scary. Yeah.

You guys make enough money that I think if I made as much money as you guys do, it's probably all I would think about. The money. Just the amount of... Just how scary that is to have that hanging over you. Yeah. I mean, I don't know. I mean, I've been broke and then you don't...

Yeah, please. I've been broke and that's like, you're like, oh, who cares? Yeah. You never worry about money when you're really broke. It's like when you get in shooting distance of like, oh, I might be okay. Yeah. You know what I mean? That's like the worst part about having cancer or something.

I feel like if you get... It's like, you know, they're like, we're going to beat this thing. Yeah. It's like the money, the entirety of it, it's just cancer. Yeah. It's just everybody's born with cancer unless you have generational one. Damn. That's some real shit.

Yeah. No, definitely. If we're getting into a chapel, look out. Money is cancer. Yeah. Basically, I mean, yeah, you're like fucking, you know, you're like subjected to the system where it's like, yeah, there's barely a safety net and the one that exists, it's like humiliating. It's like a safety net that rips off your pants on the way down and then the entire circus

can see your asshole and your balls and your penis. Do you think it might be kind of fun, do you ever think it might be fun to have an EBT card? Well, I technically had a New York benefits card. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I never got there. Yeah.

I mean, you get it when you get health care. Oh, yeah. But then it's the same card. You sign up for like SNAP benefits and stuff. Yeah. That just looks so much fun. I had a roommate that was on food stamps. It was great.

Yeah. Because you can just turn it into money, right? Well, he wouldn't turn it into money. We got that card and then we fucking, he had to look like a barbecue, you know, like a 300-hour barbecue. Getting brisket. Yeah, I don't know how they calculate it because he was a single man, but he was fat. Well, that's what I always wonder, is do they calculate your weight or do they just eyeball

you? I think they look at it. Fuck it, $1,200 a month. Yeah, this guy's going to need $35 a box of oreo. Yeah. This guy's big. Yeah. Yeah.

So I think that's what happened. But I don't know, whatever. I mean, I should shut up and we should not say any of those things and focus on making the show better, I guess. Iceman tapes. Iceman tapes. Yeah. It's an interview with a guy who was a, he was a hit man assassin for the New York mafia.

But. Which family? He claims all of them. So that's the thing about him. The Jeter family. He really killed, like two, yeah, the Jeters, he put out all of his. He was a, he really killed like two people, but they interview him one time and he tells the story of the two people he kills.

And then they just keep interviewing. So he just keeps kind of like making up stories about like how he killed people for the mafia. And they get so, they did like six of these interviews and by the sixth one, he's like, yeah, then I did a back flip over that. He's just describing John Wick stuff. Yeah. Yeah. So cool.

Is a, you ever see blood sport? No. I just remember being in a bar. I've been, I actually haven't drank liquor since I fell off the wagon. So this is bad. It's only been beer and wine. No, it's fine. It wasn't like a liquor guy.

It's kind of disgusting. It's gross. And I honestly, I can't handle it. It gets me drunk too quickly. Me too. Yeah. I much prefer just wine and beer, but wine is just so, you use so many calories and a glass of wine.

Is there? Yeah. I think of it as that, at least. Yeah. I don't know. I never checked. Yeah. I mean, it's all empty calories anyway.

But yeah, I just remember being in a bar with this like guy who was like a cool guy. He was like, but remember hipsters? Mm-hmm. Yeah. So East Austin. Boy, do I remember them. East Austin hipster, one of the, part of it, East six bartender scene. And he was like, we're doing shots of Jameson and fucking makes everybody order a shot of

Jameson. And even at the time, in my early 20s, I never really liked liquor, and I was drinking liquor. And I'm like, all right, we'll be grudgingly, and I'll do a shot of Jameson with this guy. And then he's like, he takes a shot and then just like, just throws up, like on his shirt and trash can and tries to play it off, like you just hadn't thrown up in front of everybody. But yeah, I remember that guy getting real mad at me that night because he had a messenger bag in the messenger bag guys, and the strap had like a, you remember the old GM belt buckles? Like up until the 1980s, I feel like GM, like maybe it was just in the 1980s, but they all

had the same, like kind of, there was the blue GM, the old GM logo, the blue GM logo. So there's a belt buckle on there, and the whole night I got drunk, and I kept fucking unbuckling his messenger bag and it would fall on the ground. That's cold. Yeah. That's ice cold. Fucking bro, stop. My thing in those days is getting beat up.

You get beat up all the time? Oh, I love it. You love it? Yeah. Yeah, I got in a fight last night, did nothing, just get the shit kicked out of you and be like, yeah, I get in fights all the time. Yeah, just calling it a fight, just getting fucking killed. Just talking shit until somebody fucking just knocks you the fuck out and you're like, yeah.

I've only been in one real bar fight in my life, and it was the night before I moved out of LA, we were at this bar in Castaic, up north, and a buddy of mine got so drunk and I went to the bathroom and I walked out, and when I walked into the bathroom, he was talking to this guy, and when I walked out of the bathroom, this guy was stomping his head in on the ground, so I'm getting this big fight, but the only punch I threw was somebody tapped me on the back or pushed me, and I turned around and just punched him in the face as hard as I can, and it was like a 50-year-old woman, and I think I killed her.

Spocked her ass up, dude. Yeah. Like, ruined her life. Taught her a lesson. Yeah. Yeah. That's what you get for tapping me on the back, because I was probably close to her purse or something.

She went on, she's like, yeah, I got in a fight. I saw a lady get, who wants to suck my pussy, who wants to suck my bar fight in my pussy? What the fuck is up? Mom, can I suck your pussy? There are runts, they're like all in the same band lined up with big cats on. Yeah. She walks by one by one and feeds them, like it's like a factory farm. She just goes by with it, but they all get one clit lick each.

Oh, God. Yeah. I saw a lady the other day get knockout gamed. Really? Yeah. I left Adam's birthday, and I went and I was peeing on my car. And you were peeing on your car? I was peeing on my car.

Like on the hood of the car? No. You pee in between the tire and the wheel well and the tire, you piss right in there and nobody knows? No, I usually get in the car and I go 127 and I piss. I was peeing on the car and then I saw a lady fall into the street. I go 127 and then I start pissing once I see the needle hit it. It's the only way you can piss?

And then once I'm done pissing I go, I'm done. Damn. D-U-N-N. That's hard. Yeah. I go, I'm done. Damn. And then I went to the accelerator.

Yeah. And then you just go home. Watch TV. And then go home. Yeah. Covered and pissed. Yeah. Somehow the piss got up your shirt.

Yeah. It's on your chest. Yeah. There's a straw that goes from my hands. I suck it out of the moisture out of my hands. I drink it. And I go, yeah, that's me. Sounds like a good life.

Dude, Ryan Dunn just lived a better life than I could ever live. Yeah. He did so much cool shit, man. Well, that's it, man. It's like we should have learned camp quarters. Yeah. I could have been that guy. I missed it.

I was three. Dude, me and my friends were always doing crazy shit when I was a kid. Well, I mean, we did Jackass. My brother had an AV class project where we just did Jackass, but he didn't want to get hurt. So he just made me do all the stuff. I was 10. So he's hitting me in the balls.

He's making me jump in a cold water. Yeah. I'm falling off a dirt bike and stuff. Yeah. Me and my friends, we went on a public bus one time and we didn't have a camera, but we were like, oh, we're doing Jackass. Yeah. And there was a 85-year-old woman.

I had a ball-peen hailer. Killer. Yeah. I smashed her fucking forehead in. Fucking killer. She's an old lady, dies on a bus. Yeah. Lick the hammer.

Do you ever see like Russian prank shows? Is it that? Yeah, basically. Yeah. This guy's getting... I don't know. There was a compilation. I saw one where, damn, I'm drunk now.

Yeah, we got there. Yeah. Yeah, we got there. Yeah. Adam was like, just start the episode. I'll come in. That's okay. Yeah.

All right. Thank God you're wearing a suit. It's kind of the funniest thing, right? Yeah. Yeah. I feel like you should...this should be the dress code for the show. Yeah. Yeah, I mean probably.

Certainly if we're asking for money. I looked in the mirror and I was like, this looks...I look like I'm doing Conan or some shit. Yeah. Well, you look like Conan. Don't even say that. Why? Because that's my idol.

Really? Still? Number one. Really? Conan? No, Brian? No. No.

I don't know. I mean, he was a lot of people. Yeah. He was like doing like...he had like Pete Holmes on and stuff. Yeah. It was like way past the... Yeah. Conan back in the day.

Yeah. That was... Well, you see the writer's room of like the first season of Conan. It's like all...it's like fucking Bob Odenkirk and Louis... I mean, I was a moron when I was a kid. I didn't realize shows had writers. Yeah. Like I would watch Fresh Prince of Bel Air until I was like...

I'd say damn will. No. Until I was like 18 years old, I thought it's like they just tell...they tell them what the story is. Yeah. And then they act it. I would believe that with that show specific. I didn't realize things had scripts.

Yeah, you were pretty stupid then. Yeah. No, I'm an incredibly dumb guy. Yeah. Yeah. That's like...my moment of that as an adult is I wiped...I would wipe my ass from the front. I may be dumb, but I'll tell you this.

There's gotta be like a gas leak or something in every place I've ever lived. You know I had a gas leak. Really? Have I told you this before? Well, you know what? That's the Oracle of Delphi was. It was just somebody that... Yeah, there was like natural gas that would leak into the cave and then they would just

go fucking crazy. That is such a fucking bullshit excuse. What? I just don't...I believe in...so the supernatural. And I think they're always looking for a way to do it. Well, why isn't that part of it? How do we know? Look.

Then the gas wasn't turned on. How do you know gas isn't ghost? I mean, that's the thing. It's like...look, especially as a...what we've learned about science through the vaccines and the vaccines and what they do to fucking people is that scientists are all...they don't know. They don't know anything. They're just a guy like me that fucking loved homework and stayed in school because they

hadn't gotten pussy yet. So it's like, well, I guess I'll just keep doing fucking homework. Yeah, you know? Dude. Honestly, because it is. School is...it's something that you associate with children. So if you continue doing school, it's like part of this... You're a pedophile.

Well, not pedophile, but it's part of this permanent adolescence thing that's a problem. Yeah. You might as well not have a job. Right. So the people that are experts, you know, it's like, oh, I have a PhD. It's like, oh, you mean you stayed in daycare until you were fucking 34 years old? Great. Yeah, right?

And so those are the people that make all the science, quote, unquote, and quote, unquote. And they...what was I talking about? Oh, yeah. I guess this is my point. How do we know that natural gas isn't ghosts? We fucking don't. You don't. You can't see it.

You can't fucking smell it. It's something you breathe in. We don't really know how that works. You can smell it a little bit. No, you can't. They add an odor to it. Oh, you're right. Yeah.

Yeah, I forgot about that. They add an odor to it because you wouldn't be able to detect it otherwise. So you breathe in spirits, essentially, and then they tell your mind the truth. And that's, you know, because you get...oh, that's...okay, so let me just get this straight. The Oracle of Delphi is the one thing the Greeks got wrong. Every other thing they were right about, except maybe the pedophilia. No, I mean... Democracy.

Yeah, they were right about that. Fiat currency. Clothes. They're the freshest fits. Clothes. Yeah. They're probably the most comfortable clothes. All this...

Amazing food. Right. They started off as like, you know, you grow up, you see the Greeks and they're just wearing togas. Yeah. You know, like that seems insane that everyone would just wear a bedsheet. And then 30 years later, it's like Kanye's making fucking $30 million inventing toga sweatpants, basically.

Yeah. You remember when his jogging pants were new and people were like leather jogging pants and they're crazy. Who would wear these? And then everybody did. He's...it sucks that he's...I'll say that until two years ago... Mm-hmm. He was right about every single thing.

Yeah. But this thing, it's like you got to look at the big picture. There's a play here. Mm-hmm. There's a post-anti-Semitism Kanye that he's already laid the groundwork for. If you were on his team... I am on his team. Okay.

Well, I mean... Well, what are you telling him to do then? I'm not telling him to do shit. I'm saying go Kanye. That's how being on a team works. Oh, well, no, I mean his personal team. His personal team. His like HR team.

If you're... What's his next move? I would say, can you buy me a PlayStation VR 2? That would be fun. Yeah. I guess why would you be invested in his like public image at all? I think he's got it, dude. I think he's fucking...he's sniffing spirits.

I think he's got, you know... People have started treating like his music like he's fucking Michael Jackson or R. Kelly or something. He is. You think he's as bad as him? What do you mean, as bad? Oh, oh, I thought you meant as good. Oh, well, he's probably better than both.

Yeah. This is a sad thing. Certainly. Yeah. It was because you said Michael Jackson or R. Kelly. And I was like you put... And you saw no... Yeah.

I was like you put R. Kelly in the same category as Michael Jackson. I did love R. Kelly when I was a kid and my mom deleted his songs off my iPod because she was like, he's a sexual rapist. Well, you can tell R. Kelly's talent because he can write songs that are just dog shit and they're still good. Yeah. Yeah. What's that one that's like, I want to get you pregnant.

And the whole song is like, I might nut in you. That's how much I love you. I might accidentally bust inside it. I want to nut inside of you. And that's the song. Yeah. It's four minutes. Yeah.

And you're like, pretty good. Yeah. Pretty good stuff. I loved his song, Same Girl. That's a step away from like, damn, I might not even wipe. Yeah. This shit feels so good. I might not.

I might keep some of it in my ass. Yeah. R. Kelly can write that song. R. Kelly can write a song. This shit feels so good. I'm not even going to... I'm going to leave. I'm going to leave it on.

I'm going to let it smear up in my butt cheeks. That's how much I just don't give a fuck because it feels so good. This shit has been so satisfying, I'm going to clap that shit up in my own cheeks. Yeah. Jizz is... I would... This shit feels so good. I'm all that it...

Would you rather... Yeah. On the top of your hand... Yeah. Another man's shit, or another man's jizz. On the top of what? The top of your hand. Not like on your palm.

So this is like that box from Dune? Yes. Yeah. It's kind of a tough question. Literally no preference. Wow. You're gay. Why?

Am I? Yeah. Why? You take the shit. Well, both of them are bad. No shit. Yeah, of course. It's shit and jizz.

But it's also just... But another man's jizz? I don't think... I either... Get that off my hand. Ugh. Neither of them I'm going to be traumatized by. It would be different if you said, would you prefer to accidentally have some shit

on your hand or to be held down and have somebody come on your hand? And the only time that would happen, the only time you'd be held down and have somebody forcibly come on your hand is in prison. And that's only traumatic because you know that they're like... They're doing that as like... We're just giving you a... This is a taste. A preview of how bad it's going to get.

And then that's more... They really know how to fuck you up. If somebody can jizz on the back of your hand, they can jizz anywhere. No, because you know they hold your hand out. They're all holding you down. Somebody's beating off. Yeah. They're going to get raped.

Right? It's kind of like how those ISIS execution videos work, where they bring the guy out a million times in the desert and they're like, condemn America. Condemn America. And you're like, no, I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. What happened to me immediately?

I'd be like... Oh, yeah. I'd be like, how'd it be? How'd it happen? You know, whatever. I'd be their wife. Yeah, of course. And then so, you know, they take you out there and then they're like, ah, we're just fucking

kidding. Ah, we're just fucking kidding. They do it over and over again. Every time you actually see the execution video, this guy's been brought out there a million times. He's over it. He's over it. Right?

Until you get to the trachea. He like, barely even thinks it's happening. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, you know, they all hold you down. You think you're about to get... Yeah. And then what they do is, is somebody, they pull your hand out like this, right? And you think it's going to be like that.

Even that. Even that level. Yeah. You think it's going to be like that. Or you might even think they're going to chop your hand off. In the last minute, they flip... Ugh. They flip it over and they nut on the back of your hand.

And then you're left there to wander. The mental torture of that. What's next? My paw? Yeah. Or my mouth. Because they're thinking this is the least offensive place we could put this. So just know it's only up from here.

Right. And then, and then your final thought is, thank God it was Chinese guys. Yeah. You know? Thank God it was the Chinese gang that set their sights on me. Yeah. Hits the back of your hand like Rain X. Rain.

Just on a windshield. Just beating. Right. Turn it into... Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Very sweet.

Did you see the Super Mario Brothers movie or no? No. Not yet. I have plans, though. I'm going to go see Super Mario. Oh, I didn't even realize someone was back there. Yeah. Who is that?

Oh, hey. What are you doing? Are you supposed to be switching? Dave's on it. Dave's on it. Oh, Dave's on it. Yeah. So what are you doing?

You're just watching? We mean you're making sure of anything. He's looking at the TV. Yeah. Why are you giving him a hard time? I'm not giving him a hard time. He can sit over there. Okay.

I'm just asking what he meant by that. Okay. So you've got plans to see the Super Mario Brothers movie. And then I want to see Bo is afraid. What's Bo is afraid? Is it about Bo going to prison? Bo Burnham. Yeah.

Now, Bo Burnham went to prison. Yep. No. No. It's an Ari Aster movie. Uh-huh. And it's about... What's his name?

Bo Burnham. Joaquin. Thank you. It's about Joaquin Phoenix in some kind of messed up situation you wouldn't even believe. I feel like Ari Aster is one of those filmmakers that's just going to frustrate me perpetually. Well, he made the first movie. Great. You mean the short?

No. The short was disgusting. Did not like... Really? I do not like the dark side of humanity. If there's not a supernatural element, I do not want to see blood. I mean, it's not even... I mean, it's not even...

You don't think it was dark? Something about the Johnson's? Yeah. No, I don't think so. It's not even literal. He rapes his dad. Yeah, but it's not like, oh, this is about a guy that rapes his dad. I don't give a fuck what it's about.

He rapes his dad in the movie. All right. It's disgusting. Well, that's sort of my domain. I just sat here and talked about, you know, them being raped in prison, coming on one side of your hand versus the other. You're right. I mean, yeah.

And what that is about is the choices we face under capitalism. Yeah. So I don't think even Ari Aster got that. That's the best... It's the best error to be an artist. That you can just do that? Yeah. You know that everybody has class consciousness?

Yeah. You just do any piece of garbage in the world and you say, actually, it's about capitalism. Yeah. It's about late cap... Just throw up all of yourself. It's about, yeah, it's capitalism. Yeah. It has to be.

Yeah. And the actual impractical joke is the central banking system. That is the hardest shit I've ever heard in my life. Yeah. Wow. That's the real impractical joke. Yeah. Staten Island?

How about No Man is an Island? The individual is a malignancy created by the enlightenment and we need to go back to pre-enlightenment thought, which is an impossibility. Wow. Once the cat's out of the bag, you can't return. The enlightenment was... The closest option we have is a neo-reactionary feudalism. I hate neo stuff.

Yeah. Go back to the normal stuff. What about neokitties? Neopets? Neopets. Neokitties. And what about neokitties? Neopets, yeah, I would take a pet over a neopet.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Would you take a neopet over a neo-nazi? Yeah. Well... Is he neo-nazi, one of the neo-pets? I would take a neo-nazi as a slave.

I've never seen neo-pets, but it would be funny if I looked it up now and it was just like puppies with swastika arm bands and I was like, oh, okay, this is not what I expected. Yeah. And they'd put that on every Motorola phone for 10 years. Yeah. Were they on Motorola phones? They were on... Dude.

Actually, Sony Ericsson phones. Recently. Within the last two years. Okay. I saw a Chinese guy trying to town. His phone went off. Rings. Yeah.

Hello, Moto. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. He still had the Hello Moto robot rings. That's very sweet. And it's like, how did you even get that thing? Yeah. He likes... Was it a flip?

Did you see the phone? No, I didn't. But I mean, I can't imagine he still has one of those phones. I don't know if he had an iPhone. He just programmed it. Yeah. And he just... But he kept such good care of it that he has a flip phone from back in the day.

Yeah. He goes home and he places it in a little box. And there's candles next to it. A little shrine. You're saying he prays to his phone? No, I'm not saying he prays to it, but it's got its own bed and an area and an apartment or a dragon that overlooks it. That's actually really sweet to imagine.

Yeah, yeah. They love technology. They really do? Yeah. What were we just talking about? We were talking about Bo is afraid. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I already asked your movie. So you didn't like the short. I'm going to put it in the cup. I can't drink out of a bottle. That is such a funny embodiment of your autism. What? That you can't drink out of a bottle. It's a textural thing.

You don't even realize it. It just wears me to the fuck out. Yeah, exactly. That's what autistic people say about dominoes and stuff. I don't know. Yeah, something. I will literally... If I drink liquor out of a bottle, I will throw up.

That's kind of cool though. That's kind of a nice stop-gap on your drinking. No, because I can just pour the entire bottle into a cup. Well, you got me there. Yeah. I mean, I can drink light beer. That's the other thing. I can't drink certain beers outside of a bottle.

Like you wouldn't drink a draft of something? No, there's certain beers. What specifically? I used to drink a lot of Shinerbock. The fuck is that? It's a Texas beer. Oh, okay. When I lived in Texas, I would drink Shinerbock.

And then I remember... I think I had... I went to a Halloween party. Back when... I'm not even going to say his name, but me and somebody were friends. Okay. We went to this Halloween... That could mean two or three guys.

Yeah, it's one guy. You know who the fuck he is. Yeah. And we were friends. And we went to this Halloween party and there was like a case of Shinerbock in the bridge. And I filled... I tucked my pants and I filled my pants with Shinerbock hands. I was already drunk at this point.

I stole all the beer from the bottle. And then we went back to our apartment complex. And I don't think I had had Shinerbock out of a can. I only had in a bottle before. And having it out of the can, I realized how shitty of a beer it was. It's disgusting. It's really bad. There's other Texas...

There's shitty Texas beers. Lone Star and Pearl that are fine out of a can. But for whatever reason in Shinerbock, I would drink a bottle or a can and I would just threw it up all over myself and I'm like, this tastes like a completely different beer. You blamed the can? I thought it was a can. And then I would drink another one and I threw up all over myself. I probably had seven beers and I threw up every single one of them.

Like immediately. Have you ever had... I think the worst regional alcohol, have you ever had Malort in Chicago? Malort? Yeah. No. It's disgusting. Yeah.

It's awful, right? What's that? Oh, Dave doesn't like it. Yeah. It's just fucked up like... Yeah. I mean, I stopped drinking when I was 24 and then I started again when I was 34. So I had a long break.

That's nice. Yeah. So there was a lot of drinking I missed. There was no one night where you went crazy? No. No. I really couldn't because it is like... And now, I mean, you get older and it's like, I don't think I was an alcoholic necessarily.

It's being young, but yeah, I would have periods when I was younger that I'd go like six months. Then I'd be like, okay, maybe I can have one or two beers. And then before, you know, I'm like getting blackout drunk every night again. So I just... You blackout? I used to. Yeah.

Now I don't. I mean, but I don't drink enough too. Yeah. You know, it's like, I just... I don't have it in me. I don't have any interest in... Isn't it people who drink a lot and blackout a lot, they start blacking out earlier and earlier into the night?

Yeah. No, that's what would happen because I remember the first time it happened and I was like shocked. I was like, I didn't know. I mean, because I used to get like plastered. Yeah. I remember everything. And then, yeah, it started happening and then it would just be like all the time. Like basically like three or four nights a week, I would just, you know, I'd have, I'd

have like, I don't know, four beers and then it would just be gone. That's scary. Yeah. Yeah. I remember me dying. But you know, it's really scary. What? Capitalism.

Wow. Yeah. You know, that's like, that's like starting off blackout and you gotta find your way back. Blackout from the beginning. From back to society. Who invented this bullshit we live in? I hate this shit. I don't know.

But I would love it if, if a son, you want to come on and we can, we can get a son. Get him right here. Or any, you know, who's the other guy, Ethan? Ethan Klein? Yeah. I don't think he's political. I don't know. One of these guys, if you got money, please come on the show and tell your fucking teenage

fans that this is an anti-capitalism, pro-trans, pro-trans, anti-capitalism. So please give us, please give us money. I don't know how much more anti-trans and pro-cap or whatever the other way that we could be. Yeah. You know? Probably the most. You probably are number one.

Probably the most anti-capital, pro-trans show. Easily. Yeah. So we deserve all the money. You need to be a huge YouTube hit. You got to start doing shorts. I would love, are you asked to make a movie about a guy that tries to sort of left his podcast?

He should do that. And it doesn't work. Yes. And he just gets angrier and angrier and angrier until he turns into a ghost. Yes. That would be his, his kind of twist. He finds out that he was a ghost there at the go time. But it looks cool.

Yeah. He does all these cool things. I'm sick of motherfucking movies that look good. No, I'm not at all. I hate good looking movies. What do you mean by that? So movies where somebody posts a picture, a still, they would call it, of the movie. And they're like, look at this amazing still.

Suck my balls. I don't ever want to see that. No, but that's not the movies themselves. That's like Twitter people that are like, I'm in the film. Yeah, that's wack. I love film. No. I like myself.

You see people talking about that? Like, oh, on film Twitter, they're talking about, they're talking about film on film. Oh, what? Watch movies? The number one thing everybody fucking talks about? Yeah, it's really. Film Twitter. Okay.

Yeah. Yeah, it means nothing. These people are sick. Yeah. Yeah. So you're an Ari Aster fan agenda? I only seen the. Hereditary.

Hereditary. And which I did this in. Oh, really? I covered my eyes. I hate gore. Yeah. Can't do it. Oh, interesting.

Yeah, it really puts us pit in my stomach. Midsummer? Didn't see it. You didn't see it? No, no. Oh, so you've only seen hereditary? And then the Johnson's one. The short?

Yeah. Yeah, that's all I've seen. Yeah. Hereditary. Okay. I hear in Midsummer somebody falls off of a cliff. That happens. The opening scene for Midsummer is horrifying.

Really? Yeah. And it really shows. That's what I mean by it's frustrating. It's like there's these moments where and it's like now I'm just now I'm being like a Reddit guy that's demanding more from the thing that you know like entertained me at this level and then it drops down to here and I'm like what the fuck. Hereditary is great.

Yeah. Well the same thing, it's like you know like Paul Thomas Anderson movies do the same thing for me. There's like moments of like just this like like just brilliance. You don't like them though? No, I love them but then they're frustrating because it's like there's like it reaches these highs in certain moments but it doesn't like stay consistently there. Whereas there's movies that don't reach that level that are just down here but consistently

that I'm like that's a good movie. Yeah. You know what I mean? I says probably not. There will be blood? Yeah, literally every other than Boogie Nights I feel like every Paul Thomas Anderson movie with my first doing, I go to see the theaters, there's moments where I'm like this is amazing. This is so fucking good and then 20 minutes later I'm like what the fuck is it?

Like what do you like you know it just seems like kind of. It's gonna be so hard to be a genius director. Well, I mean I have no idea. You gotta make all the every movie has to be so good. Quentin Tarantino probably the best ever right? Yeah. Best director ever. I don't know if I agree with that.

He's made, it's cool that he was like I'm gonna make 10 movies. They're all good. Yeah. No misses in the entire catalog. But that's consistency. I'm in reservoir, I have a reservoir dog to outfit on. Yeah. I don't know.

I'd say this. I'd say example that and this is bored and this is supposed to be, is this a comedy show? I don't know. I don't know where Adam is. Let's go back to the jizz. I don't know where. What would be the next step?

You think just the poem? I'm done with cum. I'm done with cum. What's up? You've grown up. No, I haven't. I just started drinking again. Oh yeah.

You've gotten younger. I'm sophisticated. Yeah. No, I'm young and I'm woke. I mean don't drink out of a bottle. I'm anti-capitalist and I'm pro trans. I think cat ear beanies should be subsidized by the federal government. It should be mandatory in every middle school in America.

And also putting your sleeves above your hands. Sleeves above your hands. Doing this. Early trans move. Is it right? Did they take that? Sleeves above the hands? Or do you think that all the people that did that were trans?

And they just said it wasn't an option for them back in the day? I used to do it. What's that? I used to cover my hands with my sleeves. Sleeves above the hands? It was more of a shyness thing. Yeah. I was more of a chew on my sleeves.

I was talking to Cameron about this today. Every shirt that I had, every long sleeve shirt would be blown out to here because I would chew. Yeah. I would chew and then just blow my nose all over my clothes. Would you chew your collar as well? No, it was not a collar. I did all that.

I was just talking to a chew on the- I was a kid I ate my toenail. Yeah, that's weird. Yeah. They eat it. It was flexible. I could put my toe in my mouth. My big toe only. I would just eat it.

Yeah. They were going into yo-yos. Like doing this with it? No. I could go up and down. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah.

All right. Let's talk about calm, I guess. I don't know. I don't really know. Yeah. So I guess the second time that they see you, they just flip the hand over. Yeah. They should give you like a French manicure with the comb.

Oh, that'd be kind of sweet though. Yeah. Yeah. Well, but that's they're treating you even gayer. They're like, look at this. We're going to- No, probably the worst. Your first day in prison, you get cornered in a cell by like 20 guys and they give you a makeover.

They just make you look so beautiful and it's worse because you really enjoy it. Yeah. You're like, this is so relaxing. Yeah. You look in the mirror, you're like, this is who I am. They have a whole camera crew and a studio audience for some reason. Yeah. And then they never talk about it again.

Yeah. And then they never- that'd be funny. You're doing a 20-year bid. Yeah. And they make you look like the most beautiful woman in the world and then they never rape you. Yeah. You spend every day in fear.

Well, fear at first, but then all of a sudden you're kind of wagging your shit when you walk by them. You're like, hello boys, you're like kind of feeling inadequate at some point. Like you made me the most beautiful woman in the world and you didn't do anything about it. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know.

I've never been to prison. I think you need to go to prison. We'll see. You know, all I was thinking about is like, you know, it's probably just the young guys that get a bad, you know, like an old man doesn't get fucked up. Yeah. But then it'd be funny to be like an 80-year-old and you go to prison and you're like, well, at least I'm fucking 80 years old and then you just get your shit pushed in.

Yeah. Because it's fucking your ears and shit. Yeah, right. Bad news. Yeah. Oh, he got pussy hair in his ears. Yeah. Exactly.

He got pussy hair inside. Damn. They're taking- they have fucking iPhone 4s. Yeah. They're taking flash videos of your- your asshole. You're right. You just look like Santa Claus. Yeah.

You look like a mall Santa. Yeah. You're getting fucked in there. That'd be bad. That would probably be pretty bad. Yeah. What's going on with trans folks these days? What's the big thing this week?

Um, uh, J.K. Rowling. I'm passing along a lot of laws. I don't know. Is J.K. Rowling back in the news? J.K. Rowling is not good. It's weird. It's weird that somehow, like, every month they find a way to be like, oh, she's transphobic. It's like, hasn't she been that for years?

Well, you always say- you go to her Twitter page, she's- she's getting real about it. Like, all the time. She's way- she's heavy on it. It's all she thinks about. It's such a funny thing to be mad about. Yeah. Especially as like, you're a billionaire fucking British bitch. Yeah, right.

You live on a fucking cliff. Yeah. Right? You live in that picture of that island with the little house in the middle? Right. That's where she lives. She goes outside and there's a hot air balloon in her driveway. Yeah.

Well, that's probably why she's so worried about it. Right. It's a culture. Yeah. Yeah. It's a British rich food. I have nothing left. Yeah.

You're going to take it away from me. Bud Light. Bud Light is- yeah, Bud Light is the same thing. They had- Did you see the Kid Rock video? Were you shooting the cam? Incredible. Yeah.

Such a great video. That he's shooting up. I didn't see it. I heard about it. He shoots- he says, fuck Bud Light and he shoots a gun at it. It's got a really- not for Kid Rock, but to be like a conservative that's invested in the culture war. Because I feel like the majority of them aren't.

I feel like it's a slim minority. I feel like a lot of them- obviously a lot of people have to watch Tucker Carlson in any shows because they have high ratings. But I feel like it's a small minority of conservatives actually are posting on Twitter and engaging in any of this shit. Right? And if you're one of those guys, it's really got to suck the loose Bud Light. Yeah, that was a major hit.

That's their like- Well, what would the equivalent for us be? Bud Light is their Freddie Mercury. Yeah. If we found out Freddie Mercury- That'd be like if you found out Tom of Finland wasn't gay. Is the equivalent to be like a fucking, you know, and there's just no sympathy for those people.

Tom of Finland. I only discovered him kind of recently, but it's good stuff. It's amazing. And now the more I think about it, it would be the funniest thing in the world if he wasn't gay. It would be- If he was a guy that's just like- Oh, God!

Oh! What if he had a giant cop? No, not even just being like, these guys are fucking cool, dude. I'm going to draw the coolest guys I've ever seen. The coolest straight guys I've ever hanged out. One time I was at- I'm going to draw the just really fucking cool guys riding motorcycles. Yeah.

Yeah, what's cool? A cop? Yeah, they got the fucking cop with the big ass fucking dick and he's riding a motorcycle and he's hanging out with sailors. Yeah. They're fucking just- It's just cool guys hanging out with each other. One time I was at Masked Books, you know that place?

Yeah. I was over there and I found a Tomah Finlay book, I was with Patrick, we were sitting there and I was like, flipping through the Tomah Finlay book and I was like, just loudly to make Patrick laugh. I'm like, oh God, what is this? Just really loudly and then I closed the book and right next to me was Frank Ocean. Really? Yeah.

And he was like, no! He sang me a beautiful song. No! Don't say that! But I felt really bad. I felt really bad. I was like, he's going to think I'm an asshole now. Please don't say that!

You know? I love it. That's not what he sounds like. I know but- He doesn't make music like that. A singer should be singing all the time. If you're a singer, you should constantly be singing. Yeah, I actually agree.

Yeah. But I never went to that concert. Shoxy Kong should be a chick for like being like, let me get the spicy chicken. Just all the time. What about rappers? Huh? They kind of do that already. They do.

Rapping is just talking. Yeah. Yeah, I hate to say it. Yeah. That's the best part about being a clown. If you're a clown, no one knows. True. When they were like, people were like, look at that bald guy.

Yeah. He's like, no, these motherfuckers know I'm bozzy. They don't know that I'm bozzy? Yeah, they know I'm bozzy. Yeah, the makeup. That's how MF Doom probably felt. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Did you like MF Doom? I didn't care. Yeah, I found out whether he died. I was on a golf course. Yeah. Tore me up. Were you playing golf?

Yeah. Oh yeah. Me and the whole foursome, we- You could have just been out there. We're bummed out. They don't stop you. That's true. Yeah, I mean, if you dress the same.

Yeah, if you wear the right clothes, you could just be out there. Yeah. Yeah, sitting there practicing. Damn. Yeah. I got those 17 shots of tequila. How many did you do? Like three.

I don't like being drunk. Yeah? I think that does not make me feel good. I don't think I like it either, but I tell you what I really don't like is being sober. Wow. Chief Keeve vibe off of that, yeah. Yeah, definitely. Did he say that?

He had a whole song. 16 years old put out a song called Hate Being Sober, 16. Okay. How cool is that? That's cool, but also something 16 won't say. Well. But I'm also getting back into being 16. But yeah, age really well.

That's my midlife crisis. PSVR too. Yeah. And fucking drunk. I can't believe you don't have that yet. I don't know. You need to be in a different world. You don't belong here.

What do you mean? You need to go into a virtual world. Yeah, oh yeah, for sure. You need to be amazed. You have lacked amazement in your life, I feel. No, it's just the things I'm amazed by are so stupid. Yeah. Like the first time I saw a Roomba, I was like, holy shit, dude.

Then VR is going to be something. Yeah. I mean, I've used it. I got the PSVR. It got way better in the last two years. The PSVR one. That one was poop. Yeah.

I played the demo disc. And I was like, oh yeah. I think I also have to get contact lenses. Because I have to use them with my glasses and then it just mashes. Oh no, that's not good. It mashes them up against my face. But without my glasses, it's like everything's out of focus. Yeah.

Maybe you just weren't. Yeah. Maybe you actually were built for this world. Maybe I was. Yeah. Maybe it's fucking capitalism. That's the problem. That's the real VR.

Damn. That's the real VR, it's fucking capitalism. It's putting us in a virtual world. Where am I? It's putting us in a goddamn, where am I? But what does that mean? Which one is mine? I would guess that one.

I'll tell you, that's the real fucking capitalism. What was I saying? Virtual reality. It's virtual reality. Capitalism is a real virtual reality. It's a virtual reality. You did it backwards. And reality is the fucking Soviet Union.

Yeah. We're all living in the Soviet Union. We're all Jack, Tom, the Finland guy. Was the Soviet Union fun? Was it cool? I feel like there was nothing to do but math. Yeah. So they're all smart.

Yeah, but probably kind of boring. Yeah, probably. It must have been shitty to be a guy that was a moron that just wanted to collect Funko pops. Yeah, born in the wrong generation. Yeah, if you were in the Soviet Union and you were just built for reading manga, that's gotta be awful. It's ironic now that those are the people that most want that. Is that you don't think they'd be watching cartoons if they were over there?

Probably not, no. Yeah. Did you get scared yesterday when they launched a nuclear warhead at Japan? Who did? North Korea. And then last second, this is a story I heard. Last second they bailed. What do you mean they bailed?

They said, nah. What do you mean they bailed? But the sirens were going off in Japan. What do you mean they launched it? They can't. It went past the... It's not a fucking lunatic thing. They went...

Yeah, the guy on it, he pulled up. The guy who's riding the new ballistic missile. Yeah, he pulled up. Korean Bugs Bunny? Yeah. And he sent it right into the ocean. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it.

Because YouTube... It's a different show. Going straight to YouTube. I'm not going to do Korean Bugs Bunny. But if I did... What would it be? Maybe I would go... No.

And the intro you're... Introduce it? No, no, no, no, no. A different time, folks. Yeah. Maybe a time before late capitalism. I bloody hate late capitalism. What does that mean?

Isn't that kind of presumptuous? Late capitalism? I would say... That's going to end soon? Yeah. You know what's not going to end? You're just going to turn 30. And then you're going to start drinking again.

Yeah. And fucking kill yourself. Like the rest of us. Like the... One hour. Oh, okay. And that's the moral of the story, folks. We do not like late...

Or we do not like late capitalism. But what does it mean? What does that mean? Is that... I think it means movies are the worst they've ever been. But isn't that China's fault? You're going to have to take that up with Reddit. I think that's literally China's fault.

Probably right. Because they demanded that... Wow, that marvel stuff. It's something that the Communist Party of China agreed. Like you can go sell those movies out. As long as there's no black people in them. You can fucking make those movies forever. Yeah, so...

I guess that's not... It doesn't really have that much to do with movies, then. Okay. What does it have to do with it? Am I asking the wrong guy? I would say that you might be asking the worst guy for a question. So you're getting married tomorrow. What's that about?

Yeah, we did an hour. Okay. All right, folks. That was the Adam Freeland show. Adam, maybe you'll come out of the... Adam, are you all right? Dave, is Adam all right? I checked on him and he closed the door.

Where is he? In the equipment room. He's in the equipment room? We can come out. He had a wardrobe malfunction. Can you go check on him real quick? Yeah. Just make sure he's all right.

Adam had a wardrobe malfunction. You remember that started? Wardrobe malfunction? Yes. Who started that? The Super Bowl, where fucking Janet... Oh, yeah, dude. And her nipple.

The first one I ever saw. Yeah. That was the first Super Bowl you ever saw? Yeah. That's great. Oh, yeah. I guess you're a young guy. Yeah.

The first one I ever saw. How's he doing, Dave? He's all right. What's he doing? He laying down? He's on the phone. He's on the phone? Yeah.

Well, folks, the Adam Freeland show is a lot of things. You know, and it's certainly something you can watch on YouTube. I don't think this one goes on YouTube, you said. This one goes on Patreon. Yes, but it goes on YouTube first, and then we put the unlisted link on Patreon, which then people share. Oh, okay. The piracy.

The piracy. So knock that off. I mean, do whatever you want. Oh, you're so cool you don't need money. No. Knock that off. It just doesn't work. You can't fucking, you can't.

The recording industry cracked down on piracy. So you need to. Remember that? Remember they were suing grandmothers for a 12-year-old in their house downloading fucking Shakira. Those people are still in jail. They're literally fucking, yeah. They're the grandpas getting, they're being turned into Mrs. Claus in there.

Scary stuff. So, and, you know, no, there's no way to crack down on piracy, but the show, if you want, if you want Adam to come out of the equipment room, you're going to have to- Fork over some cash. Yeah. Help us out a little bit. A dollar a month. Two dollars a month.

That's nothing. If you're, look, I know there's rich people. I've met rich people. They spend $1,000 a month on chia pets. If that's you, switch it over to the Adam Friedland show, you know, throw us a bone. Yeah. Maybe. Why not?

A desperate plea that Adam probably would not be a fan of, but he ain't here. He ain't here. When mommy's away. Yeah, mommy is away. Mommy's in the other room. I wish there was some, I don't feel, you know, Adam didn't laugh once and neither did they. So I want there to be like maybe one, I'm trying to reach deep into myself.

Okay. Well, I'm going to unbutton my pants. Go ahead. Go ahead. Unbutton your pants. And I'm going to try and think of some, some kind of, some kind of, some kind of joke. Some way to make this show funny, the way it used to be, the show that everybody, something on, all right, it's a guy with Down syndrome.

And he's the postmaster general. And he can't, he can't seal any of the envelopes because his tongue is too big. Oh, it's all right. We're still doing it. Are you? Yeah. We haven't cut yet. I thought it was over.

No, no, no. Dave said you want to come out and say hi. No, I was trying to do a final, trying to find a final bit that can maybe save this episode. Yeah, we didn't. It was pretty bad. Yeah, it was pretty bad. It was pretty bad. Yeah.

We got all drunk for it. Yeah. We got to put it out. We have to put it out. I've been here. I've been here hours waiting this. And you've been on the phone with the bank. Yeah.

Is it bad killing? No, it's fine. It's fine. I'm sure it was good. No, it wasn't good. It was fine. The audience will decide. Listen, folks, we'll be back on the Adam Friedland show next week with special guest SZA.

Oh, we got SZA. I love her. I just killed my song. I was in the laundromat and there was like a Guatemalan family. And so was the mom. She was doing laundry and she had two sons and a daughter. And the daughter was watching that music video on an iPad. I was watching a mattress protector.

So it was there. It takes a long time to watch one of those fucking things and dry it. You were afraid someone was going to steal it? What? Why were you so afraid? What do you mean? No. I just wait there while I do the laundry.

Oh, okay. Usually I do drop off because it's actually cheaper to drop off. I had no idea. I talked to them afterwards. They'll wash sheets. I had no idea. I only dropped clothes off there before. But they were like, you know, don't worry.

We'll take care of you. You know, we really need to do the voice. But out of respect. Yeah. They're good people. Yeah, they're good people. And yeah, there's a Guatemalan family and the mom was doing laundry. The two sons are there and they're not saying anything.

And the daughter, the children now, they have iPads that are like the military grade iPad. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, it's this thing. They're fucking, they're just, yeah, exactly. Got Teflon covers? Yeah, exactly. The fucking tier one.

LAPD. To FaceTime with Elmo. Yeah, exactly. And so she's got this fucking thing and she's watching that music video over and over again and singing along to it. But I guess she didn't know the words or maybe I was just mishearing her. So she keeps singing, I just killed myself. I wish there was someone here to look at this.

I just killed myself. Betting it was the only word she was saying. Then she'd go, you know, like she wouldn't find those. I just killed myself. And kept saying it over and then it was just stuck in my head for fucking. It's a better idea for a song. Yeah, I just killed myself. I just killed myself.

Not the best idea. Not the best idea. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So SZA will be here next week. And that is obviously a joke. But if SZA, if you hear this, please come on the show. We could use a woman of color to sell these ideas of late capitalism. Is it bad or no?

We're still doing it. I have to go pee so badly. Go ahead, piss. I'll talk to you. You're saying that to me like it's my fucking fault or something. No one's saying it's your fault. Look, it's fine. It's a podcast, folks.

Thank you for joining us on the Adam Friedland show. I hope you don't find my hosting too reprehensible or distasteful or uncharismatic. But look, I'm a radio guy. I'm an old school radio guy. You know? I'm not supposed to- Do you do audio on this one? I'm supposed to be-

Not video? Not video. I'm not even supposed to be on the radio, you know, or audio. But here I am, for better or for worse. And that's the episode this week, folks. Thank you.