The Always Sunny Podcast - Dennis and Dee Go On Welfare

Episode Date: December 17, 2021

Remember how fun living was?

We're all on time today. We're all on time. We're all on time, everybody. Oh my god, this is so exciting. That is not that rare of a thing. We're a very prompt crew. Yeah, but we were very eager for one of us to be late. We were excited.

We were like giddy about, oh, Glenn's in the office, but he's not in the room. We're going to get him. It's going to happen again. There's not going to be 180 of these things, right? I mean, something like that. Yeah. I will never be late again.

You think so? I can guarantee it. Oh, that's a bold claim. That is a bold claim. There's got to be a small part of you that's regretting making that claim. You can't actually guarantee it. How can you guarantee it?

Yeah, there could be some sort of an earthquake. It could be a tire situation. Speaking of catastrophes. I'll call in a bomb threat to carousel. Yeah, no, I'm going to flat tire, then I'll just randomly, anonymously call in a bomb threat to the people of carousel. That's the building then.

So Jeff Luini, I'll say, I'm stalking. Hello. Oh, yeah, no, do it. Yeah, what? Yes, yes. Continue? Continue? Continue.

Yeah, no, sorry. Well, you would have to be a bad accent because you don't want them to know where you're from. That's why it's a bad accent. Hello. I'm stalking. Glad howl to you. Howl, what is a bomb in your building?

There's two of you. There's a bomb. No, I'm calling about a different bomb. Why is there a child on this call? I'm not a child. MUSIC Guys, this episode is fantastic. I'm very happy.

I'm very pleased with our show. Not this podcast. Good, I'm glad that you're enjoying the episode. Dennis and Dee go on welfare. I feel like we're really hitting our stride with the show at this point, though. Yeah, I would agree with you. I think this one and the one just before it,

the gang goes, Jihad are sort of really strong examples of where we were headed with the show. I mean, it's one of the first that with the gang goes on welfare, yeah, it really starts to feel like the show in many ways to me. There were aspects of this episode that I felt though, we were leaning too hard into displaying that these characters are awful people.

Like that, that. Yes. What do you mean? Ah! Oh, like the bathroom scene? Yes, like the bathroom scene. But see, okay, so one of the things that I will say, you're not totally wrong about that

because it is very, very despicable. One of the things that I really like about that is that it's that first taste of the characters just being so completely and totally oblivious. Not only oblivious to their behavior, but actually thinking that they're the opposite. You know what I mean? Like you guys are literally saying like,

oh, we're good guys. I'm a good guy. We're good guys. We're good people. We're getting, you know, and then you just spray here in the face. You're not doing it on purpose. I can't tell you.

But you're oblivious to the fact that you've done that. Yeah, I don't mind it like in terms of what we're going for. I just felt like the execution was like, it's like two on the nose. Like that is like two, I obvious. I hear you, but I can't tell you how many times, I posted something, I think I talked about in the last two podcasts ago where I said something to the effect

of somebody said to me that they don't like the show, my shows, talking about Myth of Quest and Sunny because they can't tell who the good people are and who the bad people are. You told me about that. This is hilarious. Okay, so I just, I posted that on Twitter and it got like a massive response, which was great.

Cause it was generally from the people who like, you know, the people who follow you on Twitter, the people who like your shows. And yet there were a lot of, a lot of people, like maybe thousands of people who were saying things like, I didn't get Sunny at first until I understood what you were doing. Now to us, it was like so obvious,

we felt like we were making it so obvious from the very beginning, but I think it takes a little getting used to. And I think episodes like this, we're like, it's so, we lean into it so heavily that these people are so cruel to the point where like, I think my favorite part of the episode, which is so on the nose is when Frank says,

I don't, he's talking to the quote unquote slaves and says, wait a second, you don't drink, you work hard. How did you get into the position you're in when she tries to, she goes to answer him and he goes, hold on, honey. And then turns around. I'm like, okay, I feel like at this point, what we're, we're basically saying exactly what the show is.

Well, and it might be a little heavy handed, but I think maybe- That I didn't mind so much. That, that joke, I feel like is a little more subtle. There was just like one or two where I was like, all right, this is, we're leaning so hard into it. But look, overall, I love the episode from, these are little things,

but from a production value standpoint, I really love the episode. Like having Dennis and Dee on that stoop in Philly, the scene where they go to buy crack, that street, how authentically Philly those scenes are. Half the episode was shot in Philly. Yeah. Look at how many scenes were shot next to your Philly.

And it's a little bit of a disservice to the show when we don't do that. But, you know, it got more difficult as we had kids and family fun. What do you mean? We do do that. Right. Right.

We do. Oh, sorry. Yeah, you guys do it. This was the first episode. I remember pitching it to FX. This was the first time I remember pitching this where they, where they said, I, we don't know about this.

Really? What was their- The first season where we changed, we talked about this already, where we changed the priest to gym teacher. They were still into the storyline. This one, when I remember very distinctly being in Venice at the apartment that you and I shared in Venice,

not Italy, Venice, California. Muscle Beach, home of Muscle Beach. And I pitched it to Nick Grad, who's our executive. And I said, I think we're gonna get Dennis and Dee addicted to crack. He was like, nah, man, nah, you guys, you can't do that. And I'm like, well, no, let me explain to you why. And then I explained to him why.

And he's like, well, now you definitely can't do it. And we were, I was like, no, no, we're gonna do it. We're gonna do it. And he's like, I don't think you should do it. And then we wound up writing the script and it was, and it just worked and it was so funny and they let us do it. I mean, I've talked to numerous people who said early on,

you know, like I'm talking about like when we were in season five or six or seven and they were telling me, my buddies and I are super into the show. I started watching it and I showed them the show and then they got into it. I would always ask, what episode did you show them to get them into the show?

And more often than not, it was this episode. It was the gang goes on welfare. I'm not totally sure why. It must have been something, that episode I think was the first episode to really strike a chord with people and hook people. Well, how about this? Like right in the very beginning,

Dennis and Dee say, we have dreams, we're gonna go pursue them and here's how we're gonna go do it. And then Dee says, I'm gonna sign us up for unemployment benefits. And then Dennis and he's like, no, no, no, come on, let's go, we're gonna follow our dreams. And then you find out that you're getting $400 a week.

That's more than you made at the bar, right? So this is literally something that the country is struggling with right now, that the minimum wage is so low and the cost of living is so high. And that right now, even though that we're coming out of the pandemic, people don't wanna go back to work

because their unemployment benefits are higher than the minimum wage. So this is literally something that we're still continuing to struggle with. And the shit that they're talking about later, when Maria starts to try to explain it to Frank and Frank doesn't wanna hear it, is like exactly what the show is.

Right, right, right. It's a shame too, because I thought we'd solved it. I thought we'd solved it. We solved it on Sunny, yeah. You know what I think we did solve? Did we solve the Korea such? No, we didn't, did we? Damn it, we haven't solved.

Have we solved anything? Have we solved anything? The guy died. There's so many, but then the sun took over. There's still an oon in there. I feel like... There's always gonna be an oon. This was the first time we nailed,

we really nailed going to the title, where the going to the title is such a good joke. Don't worry about us, we're gonna be just fine, being Destiny Go Malfair. That was the first time we really... I remember you telling me Jimmy Simpson reached out to you and told you that. And like said, that he like laughed out loud.

I remember you telling me that and being like, well, that's a high bar. Yeah, yeah, you get Jimmy. Because Jimmy, yeah, Jimmy is a tough critic for comedy. I remember he like reached out to you and said that. Oh really? Oh, that's great. That's good.

That's awesome. And the guest cast is so good. Yeah. Yeah. Like all the guest cast is so good in this episode. The woman at the welfare store. Ayesha Hines. Ayesha Hines is so good.

Ayesha Hines is great, let's see. Every time she pops up in something, I get excited. She's such a great actress. Yeah, she's great in the episode. I love how real she plays. My favorite thing is when our guest cast comes in, it just plays a very real grounded person that is encountering maniacs.

And can still make it funny. And can still make it funny, yeah. And there are very few actors, weirdly, that can do that. They can play it straight, play it real, play it grounded. And yet, and understand that what's funny about it is their reaction to the insanity that's being displayed in front of them. And it's so funny because a lot of comic actors

want to come in and make it funny. And it's like, no, no, no, no, no. It will be funny if you just react honestly to the insanity that you're witnessing. Yeah, but it helps if you're a person whose honest reaction looks funny. You know, like there's a version of that same woman who plays that part and does it totally honestly,

but doesn't it have any funny, it ain't funny? And yeah, Ayesha's performance is very, very funny. It's knowing how long to pause before you react to the line, and it's all like that timing. Well, her reaction to de-grabbing the pen is very real, very funny, and I don't think that was a scripted moment. I think it just happened, and she reacted that way, because she's funny.

Here's a thing that stood out to me. So when we asked for the book of people's images, and it's called a Facebook, did we invent Facebook? No. What? No, it had already been invented. We didn't know about it. I certainly did not know that.

I'd never heard of Facebook at that time, so that was a purely, that had nothing to do with Facebook, for me. No, it had to do with a Facebook. Yes, that's how they came up with the, a book of faces. That's how they came up with the name of the company. That's right, right. So we were using it the way that people traditionally

have been using that word, and so did Zuck. Zuck, yeah. Zuck. Yeah, but I think we might have some legal recourse here. If we take this scene to a court of law and say, hey, we had it first, we might have some Winklevoss coming our way. Yeah, some Winklevoss, Fred. Some Winklevossy money coming our way.

Winklevossy in? I would say that probably the second, the second, or maybe, maybe third most popular meme from our show comes from this particular episode. The Bismarcky stoop moment. No. No. OK.

Really? Can you guess? Well, maybe I'm wrong. Oh, meme. I could be wrong. I could be wrong, but I want to see. You guys in the top hats, I've seen that a lot. You guys in the top hats.

Yeah, crying. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Crying at the end. Yeah, I have seen that pop up quite a few times. There's the shots of Pat's and Gino's famous steak, cheesesteak, really cheesesteak places. Never again after season two, right? We had a little bit of it in season one and season two

seeing those locations. And then we're like, nah. After that? I don't know. Maybe we went back. Nah, I don't really know. Can I confess something to you guys? All right.

Oh, god. I've never had a cheesesteak. Yeah. I've never had one. We know. From anywhere. Yeah. What do you mean, you know?

What is it, the nitrates? What's holding you back? Nitrates. I don't know what a nitrate is, I'll be honest. I don't know what that is either. Delicious. It's deliciousness? Yeah.

No, at the time, well, when we were going to Philly a lot, like in those early seasons, and we were near those steak sandwich, what are they called? You weren't eating season two, right? No, you weren't eating it. You were eating food. You were off food. Come on, guys.

You were off food. Come on, guys. Guys, come on. No, I didn't eat. You were eating pepper and honey. Yeah, you were having pepper water and honey. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys, I did them.

OK, let's talk about that. Let's get into it. I did the master cleanse, biggest mistake in my life. What an absolute gut destroyer that was. That was just awful. An awful experience through and through, and I wish I hadn't done it. Anyone who's thinking about doing the master cleanse,

which is the lemon. Don't get sued. Don't get sued by the master. Oh, the master. Yeah, it's the lemon. God, what is it? Paprika? It's nothing.

It's starving yourself. It's lemon. It's hot powder and honey. No, maple syrup. Maple syrup. And yeah, yeah, yeah. Paprika. And you just eat that all day long, eat it.

And it's awful. And it absolutely destroyed my intestines for about a year. I also lost way too much weight and looked so skinny in season two, because I did it right. But I think I did it while we were writing season two, which was also just torture. Yeah, yeah. Torture.

Oh, God, just don't do the master. I heard somebody saying they were going to do the master cleanse the other day, and I'm like, what year is it? We played a baseball game, like a group of us for, I think it was my bachelor party. Yes, it was. And was I on the cleanse? You were on the cleanse, and we did like shirts and skins

or something with the teams. And when you popped your shirt off, we did shirts, skins, and bones. Like, it was like playing baseball with a skeleton. I was concerned. But you bounced back. We wound up writing that into a whole episode, didn't we? Yeah, we did.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You kept in the miracle episode. You kept. You were insisting that you felt great. I did. Yeah, you were. No, but I did. I actually did.

Great. No, no, no, but I would go through periods of extreme euphoria on that, let's call it a diet. There were certain times of the day where I was really hungry, like in the morning and like. Afternoon, evening. And then you were hallucinating. I wasn't hallucinating.

It did sustain. I mean, it does sustain you like in a weird way, you know. And I mean, I'm telling you, like I think anyone who's fasted for a long period of time can tell you like there's like periods of like real euphoria. I mean, so in a way, I did actually feel amazing. It was only. That's your body's defense mechanism

to make dying not as bad as possible. It's like, let's, let's, ah, fuck, I'm dying. All right, give the guys some euphoria before this is all over. Yeah. Maybe making a, OK, if we give a little euphoria, he'll think that living is good and he'll eat something. Right, right.

Life's worth living. Remember how fun living was? I do remember the very first thing I had was like a handful of like just a couple of like almonds. I had like a couple of almonds like when I was coming because you have to ease yourself off of it. I did it for 10 days. And you orgasm.

No, I mean, I literally got so high off those almonds. It was absolutely insane. And then I had like vegetable broth after that. And I was so fucking high off of that. It was, it was unreal, man. It was incredible. Oh, guys, don't ever do it. Don't do it.

There's no reason for it. How do we segue into that? I don't know. We were talking about something I actually wanted to talk about. And then, you know, yeah. Well, that's interesting. You never had a cheese steak.

Oh, that's what I wanted. Never had a cheese steak. Well, at the time, at the time, it was because I wasn't eating red meat. I didn't eat red meat for a very long time, like for like, I don't know, 13, 14 years. Yeah, we know. Well, yes, but this isn't for you, you fucking idiot.

You said, guys, I have to make an, I have to make an. No, I said, guys, I have to make an confession. I never had a cheese steak. Yeah, to me and Charlie. You're saying that to me and Charlie. I've never told you guys that I've never had a cheese. But I didn't know in the last, I started eating red meat again, like seven or eight years ago.

How the fuck do you know I haven't had a cheese steak between now and then? I can, I can surmise based on knowing you for the last 17 years that you've never had a cheese steak. You guys are acting like you've never seen me eat like a breakfast burrito or a big pasta dish or like French fries. I eat that shit all the time.

That's true. You're back on it and it's encouraging to see. It's encouraging to see. That's true, but I can, I can still guess. If you, if you laid out 10 things, if you laid out 10 things like 10 shit foods, yeah, OK, and I can, and I know that you do eat some shit food from time to time. I bet you I could pick out which shit food you did,

even which you didn't. What's scary about Rob is I feel like he knows shit about you or me better than we know about ourselves. Like he's like, he's like, he's spying on us in a way. Like he's spying on us. Yeah, I'm collecting information that I can use to leverage. You're so weird. I just know, I notice what you eat and what you don't.

You notice things that maybe other person. Get off me. You creepy. Jesus Christ. That's creepy. He's creeping on us all day over here. Fuck it. I didn't realize you were so creepy.

How did I not realize this until just now? You're so creepy. You're a creepy guy. Name a junk food. We'll come up with a list. Yeah. You know what? I bet I will to give you credit.

I would, I would. I would guess that you'd probably be right nine out of 10 times the things that I would have versus the things that I wouldn't have. Yeah. You know, based on conversations we've had and you seeing my food preferences and certain things where I'm like, ooh, you know, that's kind of gross. And that wears this.

Salad from a meal delivery service. Yes. McDonald's, cheeseburger. No. Like some things are very. Cheeseburger from a certain kind of restaurant. Yes. Right.

Oh. Cheeseburger from another kind of restaurant. No. No. You know what? Most people eat food. Yeah. And really not.

Right? Yeah. But you know, it's like, yeah, whatever. Guys. This is hitting the nerve. No, no, no. Oh. No, no, no.

It's just, you know, I just don't, I don't like being portrayed as somebody who like literally never eats delicious food. I don't like that. No, but you are more exacting and particular about your food than most people. That's true. Oh, without a doubt. Without a doubt.

No, I try to follow like, it's like the 90-10 rule. 90% of the time I eat extremely healthy and I don't eat for joy at all and don't really particularly enjoy what I'm eating. I eat it purely for health reasons. And then the other 10% of the time I kind of eat whatever the fuck I want. And I, I think it's pretty good. Look, my doctor says my numbers look good.

Yeah, that's all I know. I'm going to live forever. 90% of the time it's going to be miserable, but I'm going to live forever. But 10% of the time you'll enjoy it. You'll enjoy 10% of your life. And by the way, that 10% that I'm eating whatever the fuck I want, guarantee you I enjoy it more than most people because I've

deprived myself the other 90% of the time. Yeah. Maybe, well, why don't you get it down to like 60-40? Then you can enjoy 40% of your life. But then my numbers are going to go down. Not necessarily. My numbers are fine. I eat whatever the fuck I want.

I bet you they're not. I bet your numbers are great. Well, but I go to a real doctor. You go to a doctor somewhere who tests for things that don't exist. Wrong. Wrong. I go to a western medicine guy.

A western medicine doctor. Well, let's compare numbers. That's what we should do. Ooh. Let's grab our sheets. Let's grab our graphs and our charts. And let's compare our blood urine and feces. You will have to go to a neutral source, right?

That's the third part. How do you interpret the numbers? I don't trust Glenn's doctor whether he says it's western or not. Oh, you think he's working the numbers? What? You think he's working the numbers? Yeah, west of Highland Boulevard. You go far enough west, you go far enough west.

If you go far enough west, you'll definitely end up in East. You'll be in the back east. Yeah. Guys, let's talk about the Vig. Yes. Do you guys know what a Vig? Hold on. Charlie, your character doesn't know what a Vig is.

Do you know what a Vig is? To this day, I don't know. I totally know what a Vig is. I've forgotten. I think maybe around the time we did the episode, we learned it, understood it, and then I, you know, that goes under the deleted files for me. We were all still watching the Sopranos at the time, so that was fresh in our heads. Yeah.

What is it again? It's the interest that you pay. The interest that you're paying on a legal loan you've taken. Vigorish. Yeah, so you buy... It's short for what? Vigorish. Now that I didn't know.

Yeah, it's some... Vigorish? It's a boom-baw word. Do you borrow money from somebody on the street, like a gangster? Vigorish. Shut the fuck up. It's not short for vigorish. We have a fact check, Megan.

We have a fact check. Vigorish? Yeah. I'm going to give you a loan. It's going to be a bit vigorish. What's the vigorish on this loan? What's the vigorish? Yeah, and then you pay, and then usually it's like 10 points, which is like 10%, and then

you don't have to pay back the cap. You don't have to pay back the principal. You just have to pay back the 10-point. You borrow $100, and each week you could pay back 10. Oh. But that's on top of 100. Possibly on top of 100. Stay on top.

Well, so Vig is just interest. It's just interest. That's all it is. Sort of. I mean, I guess it's different from interest insofar as it's not on the up and up. Vigorish. Vigorish. Nice work.

How did you know that? Gangster stuff. I'm into gangster stuff. Oh, yeah? I read about all that shit. What do you mean? Like, you already read books about, like, the mafia. I'm literally in the middle of another gangster book.

I just love it. I don't know why. It's like a fascinating subject to me. You should make a gangster show. There's so many good ones that have already been done. I can't do it like that. Are you allowed to make a gangster show? Yeah.

Yeah. What do you mean? You could do an Irish gangster show. Irish gangster show. No. You couldn't. Could you do a show about the Italian mob? Yeah.

Yeah. No, no, no. I don't know. I don't think you could. I don't know. I don't even think you can do that, what you just did. I'm Italian. I can do it.

No, you can't do it. I am. 25%. No, half. Can't take my fucking family heritage away from you. He's trying to take your heritage away from you. He's trying to take my heritage away. And we've stopped that.

We've stopped saying... You guys, Charlie's last named day, I believe, was originally Del Giorno. Yeah. Don't dig up my grandfather and strip him of his name. I'm serious though. It really was. It really was. That sounded like a joke because it sounds like...

Del Giorno, yeah. It sounds like the kind of pizza you would have in your freezer. But this was your actual family last name, Del Giorno. Charlie is... No, I thought you were 25% Italian. No. Yeah, you're right. Quarter.

Quarter. I'm 25% Jewish, so... So, there you go. So, I can drop a hard J whenever I want, I think. I think. Another iconic moment from this show that comes up a lot is us singing Bismarcky, Rest in Peace, on the show. I remember very distinctly when I first heard that song when I was in elementary school

and it blew my mind. It was fantastic. I had never heard anything like that in my entire life. I guess I don't know that anything even close to that had ever been done before. Like it was like a pop song but also rap. It also felt like he had a speech impediment. You know... Well, he probably did.

Maybe it was one of the first times that a mainstream audience was being introduced to someone who was sort of half-wrapping, half-singing. Yeah, half-wrapping, half-singing and in a very pop-songy kind of way. Yeah. Yeah, it was very unique. It's a great song. It's a great fucking song. It holds up and that's why we put it in the show.

Well, I like that you were singing it and you guys were on the same page and then it's very stereotypically our show where you were then giving her notes. You were telling her that she was a little too high. Yeah. Right? Like, they kind of just can't just... They can't just do a thing. They can't just do a thing.

Oh, you mean as the characters. Yeah, as the characters. Oh, yeah. Maybe also in real life, but he was playing as the character. I remember us getting in a really stupid fight in the editing. Okay, here we go. Here we go. Now, Charlie said don't call him fights.

He said call him creative. Well, was it a fight or was it a creative disagreement? I don't know. It was a creative argument. It was a creative argument. Do you guys remember... Let me see if I can tee you guys up for this. So there's a moment where D and I are waking up after binging on crack.

By the way, I don't know why we were so strung out on two rocks of crack cocaine. It makes no sense, but whatever. Let's move past that. Anyway, we're super strung out and we wake up in the morning and the alarm clock goes off. Do you remember the argument that we had about the alarm clock going off? Yeah. You do?

I think so. Hold on. Okay, before we say it. I think so. Yeah, I'm not going to say with certainty, but I do believe I do. Do you remember what it was? Let's say it's got something to do with my, that could be way off. I feel like maybe Rob and I liked the idea of putting that rooster and the ring and the

Hawaiian song in there and you did it. Yes. Okay. No. What I liked was I wanted the Hawaiian song and either the rooster or the alarm sound, but not both. I was like, I'm cool with the rooster and the Hawaiian music. I'm cool with the alarm going off and the rooster.

I'm sorry, the alarm going off and the Hawaiian song. What made no sense to me was the rooster and the alarm clock sound because there's no alarm clock in the world that you can set to rooster and bell. Let's fact check that. Let's fact that. Megan, you want to see? I'm sure we can find something. No, it's funny.

This would be in 2006, so it's got to be up to 2006. That's not an argument. That's a creative disagreement. It's funny to look back on that and be like, God, that doesn't matter at all. No, it doesn't. It doesn't. Some of these arguments move the needle. That one does not.

I got a surprise for you guys that, well, I was waiting for it to be a surprise, but it might just be fun to expose it here on the show. You guys, I'm not going to lie. I'm very excited right now. A surprise? Yeah. We have an episode this year. I'm not going to give anything away, but our characters wake up together after a very

long hard night, if you recall the episode that we shot maybe four weeks ago. I saw a cut of the episode as to Charlie, we gave notes. And then I had an idea. And so I asked the editor to put in, I said, can you go back? We did an episode called Dennis and Dee Going Well For It. Don't you dare. Can you put in the rooster and the alarm clock? So let's see.

Are you fucking kidding me? I'm excited to see that. We didn't like the episode. I just wanted to see if you guys liked it and thought it was fun. It's funny. My gut instinct and hearing you pitch that is that I'll feel as though I'll be more on Glenn's side at this moment. We're in the Dennis and Dee's.

Where is there a rooster? Where's the rooster coming from? There's no rooster. The rooster, you could chalk up to score. Well, that's like a score. That's the argument. What do we have? Fucking cartoon.

This is literally a cartoon. This is the argument we were having. I know. We were saying maybe it's score. Maybe it's not source. By the way, why would how about this? Because this doesn't even make any sense. Why would you set an alarm clock score is music, not sound effects?

No, it could be whatever you want to be a terrible record. You just wake up to that. By the way, no, we do. We've done swooshes. We've done. We've done gongs. We've done gongs. We'll get into that.

That was racist. That was racist. That was racist. A gong is an instrument that's only used traditionally, but I'll go you one further. It doesn't. It actually has to be score in the episode. It doesn't make in the in in Dennis and D going welfare. It doesn't make any sense.

Why would you guys set an alarm clock to go off at four o'clock in the afternoon? You would have set it off. You would have set it to go off at nine a.m. so that you didn't over over sleep. No, that's not score. That's a mistake because there's an actual alarm bell that we are waking up to ring ring ring ring ring ring and you can also you guys are like, well, let's put it out like let's add five other funny fucking noises in there and make it even funnier. You could chalk it up to that that that they said it's just the wrong wrong time wrong

time. Yeah. It's probably exactly the tone to say they're on crack meant to wake up at, you know, six a.m. I would make the argument that sometimes things don't have to be logical. They have to be like visceral. They just have to make you feel something like if the feel of it works, then great. It works.

And like the logic of it, you know, that's for someone else to decide. OK. We do. We do that all the time where we're like, well, at this short this feels so broad to me. And you're like, well, the fuck yesterday we just, you know, I know, no, there's no, yeah. There's no rhyme or reason.

No, it's either funny or it's either funny or it isn't to us. And that's that's all it is like there was a scene. I think it's coming up and we'll get this episode where Mac is constantly stopping the door that Barbara is trying to shut on him. Yeah. And Rob, I remember you and I in the mix building out the sound of like we basically said, like there's a there's like a door bell and maybe some jingle bells on a wreath or something on the store, which you never see.

But we layered in so many sounds because we're like, it just doesn't have that. You wanted it to have the impact of him stopping the door. You wanted this him stopping the door to feel more and strange. Yeah. It's the same instinct that everybody has. Every fucking television show and movie that's ever been made over the last hundred years when somebody's sipping through a straw, God, that drives me crazy there that you hear the ice sign every every single time you hear like the end of the end of the drink.

No matter where they are in the drink, it's yeah. And I'm like, the drink is full because you just wanted some life and sound to it. And then the other one is the is the one that we have fought against that yet we still have used it because it's effective is the fucking feedback from a microphone. Like as if no one's ever used a microphone ever in their lives, they have no idea there's always. You don't know what you're doing when you when you when you, you know, get up close to a microphone.

It will it will apparently it will go. Yeah. If you don't know what you're doing, they're like, oh, God, they go up to the microphone here. Oh, I didn't I have never I don't know how to use a microphone. It's not that I don't know how to use it. It's that the microphone doesn't know how to use itself. Right.

No, it's manverse technology and that there's comedy in the disconnect, you know, that we're not robots. You want to really get into the nuts and bolts while it's still work. So in this episode, guys, D, her plan is to go to New York to be on Broadway. She wants to be a Broadway actress, right? And you know, so we've established earlier on that she's a struggling act of why what are you guys looking at each other? I like that Charlie scratches beard.

It sounded good. Oh, yeah, it did sound good. It sounded like I don't have that. Can you do it again? Can you get a little closer to the mic? I feel like that's an ASMR moment. Totally. Yeah.

Charlie scratching his beard. You can make a fortune out of that. But yeah, I don't know why. But yeah, I don't want to track that group. No, no, what is what's going on with those people? I don't know. Oh, God, so weird. You guys were both struggling actors at one point, as was I.

I don't know if I ever really struggled. I don't think you either want it. Well, you just came out hot. You were never struggling. The second I got an agent, I started working and I have not stopped. So was there a time before you had an agent? Yes. Yeah.

You worked on the Upper East Side for about 33 weeks at Raph Bones or whatever the fuck it's called. Yeah, I worked there. But I also worked on the Cornelia Street Cafe. I also answered phones, so there was there was a year of grinding. Well, so OK, a year. So what was the weird, like, were they just do some weird jobs? Yeah.

Yeah. I answered phone for the Motown Digital Anthology. I didn't want to use what. So you know, this is this is brand new. You really never heard before. So you remember how? Oh, you would call in to buy the anthology. So some guy put all his money into this Motown thing and he, you know, paid for the ad space

that plays at midnight. And he had about 50 people in there answering phones. And you know, he was making a big to do out of his like, all right, here we go. This is it. The phones are going to be ringing off the hook any minute. The ads are going live in three, two, one, silence, dead silence, maybe like one phone. Is that me? No, it's over there.

Maybe I answered 10 calls in a, by the way, we worked all through the night. Like, I think it was like, you know, yeah, till sunrise almost. And maybe I answered 10 calls. The guy lost his shirt. We did it for like five different nights. And I didn't want to use my real name. I don't know. It felt sad to me.

So I was just like, hey, this is Chuck. Thanks for calling order. The Motown Digital Anthology, how can I help you? Most of the half time it was just people who just want to talk. It was so sad. So that was a funny gig that I had. Speaking of, I'm so happy to hear that. A new story.

A brand new story. I have never heard that before. Okay, cool. Yeah, yeah. Well, good news is it'll be new for me again in three weeks. Okay. You know, I don't delete files as quickly as Charlie does, but I do delete them. Yeah.

Have I ever told you about the time that I answered phones with the Motown Digital Anthology? Oh, shit. Here we go. Yeah. That's great. Charlie, I've got a question for you. You hate it when people call you Chuck, or are you okay with that? No.

My college buddies do that. They call you Chuck? Yeah. Okay. Because I kind of like Chuck. I like Charlie's who don't like to be called Chuck. Chuck Chaz. Chaz.

I like that one. We call you Chaz all the time. Yeah. I like Charles. I call you Charles a lot. Yeah. I like that. So it was one year in New York of, you know, really just day jobs and not working and then

any other weird ones? You know, it was funny. I got paid to play piano and a play. Oh. And it was, the play was at SUNY Purchase, the college, and I had a friend who was a student there. Yeah. Cheryl Bauer.

She's been on the show and she's married to Josh Triscore at her. Yeah. So she's also been on AP Bio. Did you guys know that Cheryl Bowers plays my character's mother on AP Bio? No, because you don't watch the show. Go ahead. Yeah. No.

So she was doing a play and her last semester at SUNY Purchase and she said, hey, we need someone who can play the piano and can act. Can you come and do an audition? And I really wasn't playing the piano that much at the time. So I went up there and I kind of faked some stuff. And uh... Did you wear a funny little hat? A funny little bowler hat?

I don't think so. And I got the gig and the woman paid me to do that and I commuted up there and then I would write some little songs for the play and then I was also, I had lines in the play. And I remember her pulling me aside and she'd be like, you know, you really should consider going into this music thing. And I was like, ah, yeah, well, I think I'm kind of going to do the acting thing. And she's like, I don't know. I wouldn't.

I wouldn't. The acting stuff. I wouldn't. It's like, yeah, all right, well, we'll see. We'll see. I'll show you. I'll show you all. That was exactly the kind of...

You know, it's funny because that is the kind of thing where, you know, a certain type of person gets that feedback and goes, oh, shit, yeah, maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I'm right. Another kind of person goes, I'll show them. Yeah, yeah. I'll show them. And they all show them category. Yeah.

And I do think that that is, for whatever reason, when your reaction to something is that, like, I think it can really fuel success, right? Because you just plow through rejection. You're just like, they just don't get it. They just don't get it. Somebody's going to get it. Yeah. Somebody's going to get it one day.

Yeah. I think, and then directing Beanie Baby Addiction, Downtown, which we talked about, I believe, on the show. So, you know, and then, yeah, working at restaurants. So, cobbling together money wherever I could. We were a waiter? I was a, yes. A host.

No, I was a busboy at Rathbones. Here's another story, man. Okay. So, I was working at Rathbones. It was, what holiday? St. Patrick's Day. And lots of cops, firemen, you know, that kind of thing. So I'm working, I'm there at 4 a.m. I'm opening the joint, right?

And we're packed, wall to wall, you know, 4 a.m.? No, we're not packed at 4 a.m., but as soon as it gets going, the place is packed. Yeah. No, I'm opening. I'm hosing down mats. I'm getting the place ready. So, I'm bar back in all day. And then the guy who comes in for the second shift calls in, say, or whatever.

So I do a double. So I work 4 a.m. to 4 a.m. and I close, like, close up, right? Well, these guys who are bartending were making money hand over fist. I mean, the place was packed. Anyway, at the end of the night, the guys go to tip me out. I'm like, wow, I'm going to make, I don't know, you know, I'm going to, well, Rob, you bartend. And what do you think a bar back's going to make?

New York City. Same. Yeah, well, I was there. 24 hours of working. Oh, my God. As a bar back on the Upper West Side, when I would work just like the one night shift on a Saturday, I'd come home with 400, 400, 500 bucks. Yeah.

As a bar back. The bartenders are making 1,500. Right. Yeah. I made. I think they gave me $50. Oh, my God. That's it.

I was so furious. I was like, like tears in my eyes, furious, you know, but I didn't say anything at the time. I was just like, OK, and I'm going home on the subway and it's like thinking about like, what am I going to do? And then I was like, all right, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to go back up there and throw a brick through the glass window. You're going to take it out on the entire organization.

Yeah. I just never went back to work there. I just was like, all right, I'm done. I didn't call to quit. I just never showed up again. Good. And then I started waiting tables at the Cornelia Street Cafe and I was very bad. You know, people, I would come to the table and like, you had the fish, they were like,

no, I ordered the chicken. I'll be right back. I'll go to the kitchen. It was very terrible at that. And then very shortly after that did a like a monologue showcase and I got a commercial agent along with a regular agent that I'd gotten up at Williamstown and just started getting like footlocker commercials and little things and what I wouldn't give to, to see a video of that monologue.

Oh, what I wouldn't give. It was good. I was Eric Bergossian. I feel like you nailed it. Oh yeah. Do you think, do you think if you watched it now you would, there's, I did some performances in college that I, where I was like, I was amazing and watched them because they, they have those in the, in the, at the library that you can, you can check out.

And I watched a couple of my performances and I was like, oh no, I was bad. No, it was funny because I think that was the main thing about like, all those people took it very seriously and Ryan was kind of funny. It's like this guy who walks up to a guy and is like, excuse me, hey, I'm sorry, I couldn't have a nose, your shoes there, you know, and slowly begins to steal the person's shoes. And it's a very funny monologue. It's like, hey, mind if I try that one and then, you know, get big laughs. Well, here's, here's some good, you know, I'm always being asked by young actors who,

who, you know, pull me like, how do you, what can I do to like break into the industry? I will say that because I did the same thing when we did our showcases in college in front of managers and agents and, and casting directors or whatever. Everybody wanted to be serious and just use these like very serious emotional scenes. And I was like, I bet you people are so sick of that. Like, and so I did two funny scenes and got an agent and a manager like instantly think and I do think so if my advice to you young actor, if you get into a showcase, be the funny one, be the enter to entertain them because no one else thinks everyone else

thinks like I have to give an Oscar worthy performance in this. And it's just fucking boring and sad. Yeah, think about it here, whoever's in there, you know, commercial agent or whatever, regular agent and is watching monologue after monologue, they're probably saying, okay, who has a beautiful face and I know can work. So that's, that's the shitty side of it. And then they're saying, who's an interesting type that will, that will pop. And then if you're funny and you get laughs in the room, by the way, you'll know, like

if you're not funny and you're doing your monologue and you're getting crickets, well, find out, you know, but if you're, if you can make a room full of people laugh, then suddenly someone says, well, there's that person has an ability that I can sell. So that was that. Yeah. Yeah. Rob, what was the shittiest job that you had to do as a struggling actor to be a shittiest job?

Well, I mean, I don't know that I had shitty jobs. I just had a series of waiting tables and, and barbacking and things like that. How did you, how did you become an actor? Tell us that. So I mean, I know, but like, I actually don't recall. Like, how did you get it? Well, Rob was a model.

Rob was never a model. Rob was a model. Well, he tried to be. No, he didn't. Model search America. They were looking for people who it was, it was actors and models. Okay. And I fell into the, my friend Chris Bacchus, for example, fell into the category of.

Chris Bacchus has gotten more play on this podcast. I know. He's working all the time. But he was my friend and he was, he's very clearly a model, but they were also looking for actors, like commercial actors. And I, the truth of the matter is it was because I was 21 years old and I looked like I was 15. Yeah.

You were like, I can play little tiny babies. Yes. Which we've talked, I think we've talked about. So they're like, he's a boy model. No. So they were like, he can work, we can work him like an animal and he can be on a set for 13, 14 hours as opposed to a 15 year old man. So I started doing commercials that right.

And then, and then I would do, but I didn't get, I didn't get as many as you did and I didn't get them as quick. You guys got a good look up on YouTube, Rob's anti-smoking commercial from when he was, how old were you when you shot that 19? No. No, I was 20. I mean, I was at least 21. You look, you look 13.

You look 13, but how did, wait, wait, I'm sorry. How did you get in front of those people? How did you get? Yeah. So there was this, there was this organization called Model Search America, which would, which would like travel around the country. And they took an ad out in the newspaper. Looking for beautiful people.

Looking for, looking for beautiful people and then looking for, seriously, like looking, looking for character-ish type people. And they were like actors, models, whatever. And at first I thought, oh, this is like a scam. And then you look it up and there was like, I'm going to get, I'm going to get dittled for sure. I'm definitely going to get dittled. And so you go to this open call and I went to this open call and this was in Philly.

And then they were like, yeah, come back. And then you come back and you go to this, this like event and then you wind up like talking to all of these agents and they basically bring you into like the modeling agents. And then they were like, huh, no, not you. And then, then the commercial agents were like, oh, you have an interesting look. How old are you? And then once they found out how old I was and that I could work as a child, work as an adult that looked like a child, I signed with one of the biggest commercial agents

in New York. Which was who? I am. Right. Back to that. We're back to that. Yeah. And then, and then I started work and then I started, well, I got a book to commercial

and then I was like, I'm going to move to New York. And then I didn't work for two years. Now, I have two part question. How many times did you get dittled? And the other part of the question is, did you just push past it or, or did you have to explain to them, I'm not actually what you want because I'm 23 years old. And then they were like, oh, well, that you just, you ruined it for us. There was a lot.

Maybe that's the thing. That's the thing. There's a lot of disappointment because it's like, you're not breaking the law right now. Oh. And that's part of the excitement for them. That they're like, oh, I'm ruining your life. And I'm like, no, no, no, I've already ruined guy.

I'm 52. Yeah. I was ruined years ago. Right. Yeah. I ruin other kids. What did you, did you auditioning consistently? Were you auditioning consistently?

Yes. Like, I would see all of you guys at the same auditions. I just wasn't getting those jobs. The commercial auditions too. Like some of those jobs, none of us were getting because they were big movies and we were unknown people. But like, but like the commercials, they were constantly casting. They were.

I just wasn't, I just wasn't getting it. You know, like people have like certain things that they want. Yeah. And you went, wasn't it? I wasn't it. You weren't too young to be in the beer commercial. Well, no, then once I then got old enough to look about 18. And they were like, well, there's lots of you.

Right. And that was that. You know, I did my, I did my law and order and I did my, I did all the New York stuff. Then that runs out and then you move to Los Angeles. Glenn, did you never do a law and order? I never got, I never even auditioned for law and order. I'm like one of the only actors in the universe who lived in New York and never did law and order.

No. I think the first on camera gig I did was rescue me, not rescue me, sorry. What was Dennis Leary's show before that, the, oh God, what was the name of that show? Remember where I. Oh, yeah. Well, that was out here. No, that was in New York. Oh, it was?

That was in New York. The job. Yep. That's the show. Megan pulled it up. The job. It was a pretty good show. It was like a half hour drama comedy about, about cops.

Well, it was a comedy, but it was, it took place in a police squadron. Anyway, that was my first on camera gig. And then, yeah. And then I did like a ABC movie of the week called Monday Night Mayhem, where I played Dick Ebersol. Yes. I remember that too. Yeah.

Dick Ebersol. Oh, man. You know, it was funny because I, I also looked very young, not, not as young as you did, but I had kind of a babyish face and I looked pretty young and, but I already had like massive amounts of chest hair, like an obscene amount of chest hair for, for some, for the, it didn't match the face at all. It was like, it was like Tom Selleck level chest hair on the face of like a, somebody who looks like he's 18 years old.

And so I booked this Dick, Dick Ebersol role and there was a scene where I was supposed to be sitting and we were, me and, oh God, what was that actress? John Hurd, not Hurd, but Hurd, rest in peace. John Hurd and I were supposed to be at a golf course sitting in these like lounging chairs, like looking over the golf course, smoking cigars and watching people play golf and having this very serious conversation about, about football. And when I showed up on the day to shoot that scene, they were like, they showed me to my dressing room and I go in there, they're like, go ahead and get into wardrobe and then we'll

get you into hair and makeup. And I was like, great. So I, I opened the closet. They were like, yeah, your wardrobe's in the closet. Open the closet. It's just a little teeny tiny pair of shorts, like a pair of like a bathing suit. And I was like, uh, uh, on a golf course, like what's going on? I pulled the AD aside and I was like, what is this?

I, why am I wearing a bathing suit on a golf course? And they were like, oh, they changed it. They changed it. You're going to be in a hot tub now. And what I didn't want to say, because I was super embarrassed about it was I was like, I have so much chest hair and I just don't want to show it. And I hadn't, yeah, oh, I was so self-conscious about it because I was like, I want, you know, I wanted to be able to play young men and yet I had the, I had the torso of like a 40

year old man in the face of an 18 year old and it just didn't match. And I remember I went to the hair and makeup trailer and I was like, Hey, do you guys have scissors? And I fucking like tried to trim the top part because I knew it was only the top part of my chest hair that would show. And then I, and then we got in the hot tub and I dipped down as low as I could get. Only trim the top. I see if you're going, you're going to her shoulders.

I know what you're going for. But when you took your shirt off, was it just the top of your chest hair that was trimmed and then the lower half was full, uh, yes, because full bush. Yeah. But that's because I knew I knew it was going to be in a hot tub, so only a certain amount of it was going to show. And that was the, and I didn't have time to do the whole thing. So we were changing the block in here.

You guys are going to be standing. Yeah. That would have been. Yeah. Now you guys are going to be standing outside there. But like I tried to get as low in that hot tub as I possibly could. Oh, so like guys, I was so self-conscious about it. I really was.

Of course. Sure. And then I realized that they're like, Oh, by the way, now, yeah, it used to be in the screen. That's not okay. And all of a sudden you're going to be half naked. Fuck you. Yeah.

Fuck you. Yeah. But I didn't know. I didn't know. Fuck you at the time. I just thought. Of course. That's part of the, that is not part of the problem.

It's like nobody knows. Fuck. Nobody has the confidence to say fuck you because they think they're going to get fired. Which, by the way, you might have. I might. I might have. Yeah. You definitely would have.

Yeah. Back then. Yeah. Probably. Yeah. I love you guys, but. You're sick of it. Yeah.

I think that the audience has had enough and let's do the next one tomorrow. Yeah. Guys, we did it. We did it. We did it. The end.