The Always Sunny Podcast - The Best of The Always Sunny Podcast

Episode Date: May 30, 2022

We are Sunny, in our way, and this will be what we’re known for ‘til our very last day.

You know, guys, I've run into a lot of French people over here in Europe. A lot of French people. And guess what? They've been lovely. Every single person has been lovely. Just making me get a shit sandwich. So Robby running into nice French people? Yes. Yeah, I'm here in London and, man, am I being made to eat my words? No, no, none of them listen to the podcast, so I wasn't taking any shit from anybody. It's just that everybody is everybody with a French accent seems to be very nice.

But, you know, I'm not in France putting your words on a nice baguette. But I'm wondering if these are the French people that left France because they couldn't stand the people in France. I'm just I don't know. I'll have to go to France again to find out. But the first time I was not met with a lot of welcome. How old were you the first time you were in France? Twenty four. Something like that.

And I was twenty four year old takes it more personally. I think so. Twenty four year old is like, you know, grown man. It's like you're coming at me with some shit. All right, bring it. You know, that's fair. That's fair. Well, anyway, the French here have been wonderful as as are the English. And it's really just a wonderful melting pot this city. I love it. I love it in London. I've only been twice and both times I was like doing press stuff.

So you go into like a hotel room and you, you know, they bring in like a hundred people and you just answer the same question over and over again. Oh, I know I've never had a horrible boss and I think I did it for Pacific Rim too. And it was it was fun and exciting to be in London. But I wish I'd seen more of the city when I was there. Well, I went to I went to I did enjoy a football game at Wembley Stadium. And I can tell you that was an incredible experience. And it was really fun up until the game part, which was less fun.

But your buddy Jason Sadeikas came. Oh, how's he doing? He's great. He's here shooting that other show on Apple T. T. Lizzo, T. Lezo, T. Lizzo, T. Lezo. T. Le. Le. Le. Le. Le. Le. Le. Le. Le. Le. Le. Will Ferrell came.

He was very sweet and David Beckham. David Beckham was there. And he was, did you say will Ferrell? Will Ferrell was there. He came. He came. He's the best. Best of the fucking best.

And he's he's exactly who you would want him to be when you meet him. I know. At least my experience has been that. That's just that's right. Lovely and funny. You know who else was lovely was David Beckham. And I kind of thought he might be just based on some documentary footage that I have seen of him and interviews and whatnot.

But you never really known till you're talking to him. That's a real nice guy. Nice people over in England. Yeah. We've done a 180 on the French. Well, we're here to talk about Glenn because he's not here. We're here to, but that's what we're really going to talk about. Like it's messing up our episode.

Yeah. It's messing up our flow. Yeah. Somehow Megan, who's apparently in the middle of between Mars and and Earth considering her internet, but she was still able to sign in. And Charlie, you're you're it's like 545, five, six o'clock in the morning. When you are. Yeah, I was up at 515.

My wife has the COVID and so does anyone who could possibly help with her kid. But I'm up before everybody. So I'm hoping to jam this out. And then I, you know, got to make school lunches and or a single school lunch and you know, jump in all that. So, but we said, so you made the podcast. I'm going to make it because that's my dedication to the fans, you know, which, which, who put us here?

Yes. I can't just turn my back on them. I feel the same. I mean, I could watch this. You're speaking with a low volume. Is that because you know what? I am terrified of waking anyone up in this house and then being like, well, it's on me.

It's on me to, but, but the great thing about my son is that he won't get out of bed because he knows it's the school day. You know, if it's like a full on teenager, like, like a weekend, he would, he would, you know, he'll be up already. But on a school day, it's like, I got to drag him out of bed. God bless. I get it. I get it.

Was that how you were, Charlie, when you were growing up? I certainly didn't love going to school. You know, I probably got out of bed, maybe a little bit easier. But no, I hate it going to school. I mean, it was cold, you had to go outside. It's like freezing. Stand out there waiting for the bus. Your hair would freeze if it was wet.

Then you got to lug your trombone on the bus. You know how that is, right? You got to get your trombone. You got to sit in the front seat because you got, you know, the fucking bus driver doesn't want you carrying that thing up and down the aisle is banging up, banging up her bus. Everyone's fighting and throwing gum and which that up that I like. That was exciting to watch.

You know, I wasn't really getting in the melee, but I liked one, one broke out. But no, no, didn't. I mean, I love seeing my friends, but the whole school work part. No, no, no, no, no, no. If I could take a pill and know everything I need to know, I would have done it. Everyone would. Yeah. I don't think anybody really remembers enjoying school.

My children came here to watch the game and then they just flew back today and they were real bummed, but mostly they're bummed about having to go to school tomorrow, which is going to be tough. Yeah. But you know what? Get over it, kids. I didn't go to Europe for the first time till I was 25, like I just said, and I had to pay for it my goddamn self, kids.

Get up and go to work, go to school. Suck it up. These ungrateful. They're so ungrateful. Speaking of ungrateful because Glenn's not here. We're going to need to. We're going to do a best of the podcast, which I think is is brilliant to do a best of only how many episodes have we done, Meg?

Thirty something. Thirty three. We've done thirty three episodes of this podcast. You know who you know who was number thirty three, Charlie? No, Larry Bird. And was Larry Bird was number thirty three. And he and his first season, he won. I believe he won Rookie of the Year his his his first season.

And and I believe that you could have show showed a string of highlights from his first season, thirty three games into the season. And it would have been very, very impressive. And I think that's what we're going to do here. They grow them different and French lick, Indiana. That's right, Indiana. Can't stop talking about French. What a name.

Yeah, French lick. French like Indiana is coming up with that. How they come up with that name? It's like, well, I like the word French. But what if we added a lick to it? Well, what if like, what if it's somebody that came back and they're like, the French suck? They suck.

But we can't we can't call it town. Let's call this town French suck. And someone else was like, nah, they'll be on to us. What if we keep it like, you know, what else they do? They lick. But you know, you know, like, like, what if like, you know, you know what? It's like you're at a restaurant and a Frenchman just walks up, just kind of like licks back your neck and says, OK, now, what would you like to eat?

Yeah, you know, he walked up on you. He says, hello, Miss Yorra. And then he come on, licking up on your neck. Let's call it French lick. You got like a Louisiana bayou there thing at the end. Yeah, I don't know. I went through like nine accents. I enjoyed it.

I enjoyed it. Well, yes, we're going to do we're going to do a best of episode of the podcast here where we're going to find highlights from all of your favorite moments from the last thirty three episodes. What else can we break? And it's sort of like Jesus on a cross look. All right, now we're doing Mackel, Henney's wingspan. Call those from the shouters.

Mr. Spilver. Stephen. Stephen. No, no, no, yeah. Just a little water. A lot of love. Cut that cut that cut that cut that cut that cut that cut that cut that cut that cut that cut that cut that cut that cut that.

And then you don't ever cut it. And then when we come back, we're going to be talking about the gang. It's whacked Part One and Part Two, which I can't wait to talk about. But first, let's talk about the things we've already talked about. Which Beal would you, do you think you are? Definitely, Paul. Yeah. OK. Well, who, which, which kink are you?

Jerry Garcia. Yeah, see there. Yeah, let's say that's the problem with the kinks. Oof, ah, yeah. Yes. Then which bit? Bob Weir. If you're Paul, which beetle am I, which beetle do you think I am?

I think you're a little bit of Paul. I think you're Paul, too. I think you're Paul. If you guys call me Ringo, I swear to fucking God, I swear to God. Oh, no, you're George Harrison. Yeah, George was. Maybe John. I mean, you're definitely Harrison, like, you know, like stuck.

Yeah, he's about to call me John Lennon. You could use about to give me John Lennon. Well, in terms of the relationship, he was. He was, I know. I got a little John Lennon, too. You got a little John Lennon. I don't know. But you got that George thing where you could you could go and write

an amazing song on your own and then you don't get the credit for that. But then you're like, you can do it, man. But you see like Paul is like a maniac, like constantly like pushing things forward and saying, guys, like, let's go, let's go, let's go. That's you. That's me. But I feel like that's you, too. Yeah, it is. That's true. Yeah, I don't.

OK, so we're we're all Paul, a little bit of Paul McCartney, little bit of John Lennon, George Harrison and nobody's Ringo. Ringo's finger was fucking great, by the way. No, yeah. We're all three ego maniacs. Right. And you think we're that word? Yes. Wow. So you guys have both have kicking indoors stories. I don't have any kicking indoors.

It's probably good. That's not kicking a door. It always sounded fun to me, though. It's one of those things like that that sounds, you know, there's like a handful of things that always sounded kind of interesting to me that I always wanted to test the theory of like when I was a kid, I was always like, you know, like kicking a door down. Like what? How do I do this?

Why don't we in our new studio, we just commit to whatever the cost is to repair a door? OK. And then we just give you your dream, buddy. This is Hollywood, you know, like you can do whatever you want. All right, let's do it. Let's do it. Let's get let's get to work here. Check my angles, guys. Check my angles. Make sure we got.

I've got a camera inside as well to get the inside cover. Oh, OK. So then a wide there. So you're going to kick it in. But what's the story? Like take us through because like let's take us take us to a place. Right. How are you feeling right now? I'm excited. It's a little close, but it's OK. Same. You did it again.

I'm feeling I'm feeling good. I'm not that warmed up. I do want to say. Tell the folks. Yeah, folks, I do want to make this very clear that I never took martial arts in my entire life. What? Really? Yeah. So that. So what you're about to see is happening in real time.

So you're not even a ninja. And you think you're going to be able to kick the story? Ninjas don't kick indoors for the record. I they sneak in when they're sneakier than that. They're much sneakier than that. OK, this is more of a sort of a SWAT team type situation. Yes, I like that. OK. And can I ask a question?

Is it more fun if it's Glenn kicking in the door or do you want to play one of those characters from the 80s, meaning you have a story and there's somebody or something in that door that you need to get to? Because you want to say something cool after you kick it in, you want to come into the door, into your camera and there and announce something. That's right. We're looking for where's the girl we live your dream here for? Like, yeah, what's the what's the narrative?

You know, where's the girl? Something like that. That could that could be the villain or the hero. I don't know. How do you get your kicks? Oh, you wanted to be like a one liner. OK. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. OK. Yeah. Let's go is just a great one. Boom. Let's go because what I think also like commit to it, right? So if it doesn't work once, don't stop.

Like keep going till it opens and you might if you wind up putting a hole like through the door, you might have to bash through it like the the the high sea guy. Uh huh. The the high sea guy. Yeah, yeah. The Kool-Aid man. The Kool-Aid guy. Sorry. The Kool-Aid guy. Oh, yeah. That's what you should say. That's the fucking. OK. Oh, yeah. That's the line. Oh, yeah. Here it comes.

All right. That's the line. All right. Ready, everybody? Yeah. Here we go. Glens lined up. He's lined up. OK. OK. Here we go. Oh, yeah. So easy, not you. You damaged the door. But yeah, come check this out. I mean, let's grab the camera here.

You went straight into the drywall. So I'm going to get a shot here into the drywall. We made a more stuff to fix a hole. So how do you feel right now, Glenn? And how do you feel an exhilaration that I haven't felt in in quite some time? An exhilaration I haven't felt in quite some time. Mike was too close. Yeah. OK. How does your foot feel?

It feels fine. Well, what else can we break? Can you tell me what's in that coffee? Is it just coffee? Is it what kind of special? Is there like an egg cracked in there? Do you have hot pepper? Is it brewed in? What? Why do you ask that? Because I don't know. You just have some hot pepper and an egg in your coffee.

Is that is that a crazy thing to ask? Now, hold on a second. There was a moment. It's not a crazy thing to ask. This motherfucker was drinking coffee that also had egg in it. No. What? Coffee and egg. Hold on a second. What was the coffee and egg? What was the bullet coffee?

That's butter. It's like a butter. Explain yourself. It's a butter thing. Well, grandfather, bullet coffee, which is otherwise known as an actually known as bullet proof coffee, is is coffee and butter and MCT oil and sometimes coconut oil. There's different ways to make it. But the main thing that bullet proof coffee is, by the way, that's not pepper. OK, that might sound strange.

But like, by the way, I never really. I did the bullet proof coffee thing for like five seconds. It just absolutely destroyed my stomach. Yes, I'm not. I hate it. The reason I was asking was because it's not that crazy to assume that to go from butter to an egg, I don't know. No, you know what? I have coffee with my eggs all the time. I've never thought to like stir the eggs straight into the coffee.

Maybe I could be missing out. I mean, that's a very common pass. Get some eggs, have a cup of coffee. That's that's. I'm down to try it. I'm down to try to like, you know, and coffee or coffee egg. Oh, I bet. Oh, how about this? How about this? Like you did some some cold coffee, right? Cold brew coffee.

Put it in a blender with some ice, a couple of crack, a couple of eggs in there. Maybe put some butter in there, right? And a little bit of honey, maybe just sweet. Well, no, you can't do that. The egg coffee would be good for you. A coffee egg would be a coffee that's been hard boiled, an egg that's been hard boiled in a pot of coffee.

That would be a coffee egg. But I would try coffee. Like in a percolator, right? Where you're actually boiling. Let's make both of those and then see which ones. That's the thing, a tea egg is a thing. But wait, wait, no, I said tea. But the coffee's not going to penetrate the shell of the egg

and actually affect the flavor. So what? Yes, it is. He's so sure of it. Such. I mean, you were so clear and so sure that. Oh, yes, it will. Most certainly will. It's like you work.

How's it going to penetrate the shell of the egg? By the way, I love your passion for this. I really do. I have no idea. I have no idea. Because I've had a tea egg before. I've had a tea egg, which was an egg that was boiled in tea and it was delicious.

It tasted like tea. Yeah. Very good. I hear blowing my mind. Never heard of that. A tea egg? Yes. What is this?

It's from other cultures, man. What culture? Japan. Oh. And Chinese. Chinese. OK, I don't really. I don't know.

Chinese tea eggs. Yes. Chinese tea eggs. And then my god. Do they? Well, you find if they. They're simmered in a savory liquid with star anise. Well, that's why you.

Cinnamon sticks and peppercorns. Star anise. But do they peel the egg before they boil it? That's what we need to know. No, you can't peel it before you boil it. How do you peel an egg before you boil it? If you peel an egg before you boil it. What am I saying?

Do they boil it and then like soak it in the tea or something? Right, crack it open. Crack open the boiled egg and soak it in tea. Absolutely. I'm Charlie Kelly trying to peel an unboiled egg. Next season. And you can't figure it out. He's frustrated.

Yeah. He wants to make. Yeah. OK, coffee egg. Coffee egg. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that that's going to be gross. Yeah. I'm with you.

I think that's going to be unpleasant. I have something to leave you guys, even though I'm not dead, but I have a special treat for you today. You do? This morning, I hard boiled these eggs in coffee. No fucking way. No way. To see whether it would get through.

So if you guys want to peel these eggs and then taste them. Yeah, let's do it. You can see. Let's do it. You didn't peel it before you boiled it? I did not peel it before I boiled it. OK, so you just boiled. I made a pot of coffee and then I put the eggs into the coffee with no extra water, just the

coffee. And then I boiled them as I standardly do hard boiled eggs. We would wait. Do you have salt? Yeah. There's no brown coloration in here, though. The tea eggs, they still smell like that. See, here's what I think.

The tea egg, the thing with the tea egg, and I don't know. I can never peel these well. Do you guys suck at peeling hard boiled eggs? You gotta use the side of your thumb. These are tough. These are tough. They're shattering into a billion pieces. I'm not good at this.

I would say that I think maybe let's look up how the tea egg is cooked, but I think what I meant to say was, I did look that up and actually they soak it in tea after they hard boil it. Yeah, after they boil it. Oh. So this is going to be nothing, probably. This is not going to taste like coffee. This is going to taste like it.

It smells like an egg. It just tastes like an egg. Oh, does it? Yeah. Well, it can't demonstrate the shell, right? So we got to do it the way they do the tea egg. You got to soak it in coffee. You got to.

And this is what I meant. You peel it first. You got to boil it, peel it, and then soak it in some coffee. I'm soaking it. But definitely boil it first before you peel it. Mm. Well, Megan, thank you. You're the one.

Thank you very much. My husband was like, what are you doing? And I was like, I'm working. I'm working here. Hey, guys, wait, wait. For those freaks out there, let's do a little ASMR. Why? Oh.

Stop. Oh, my God. You have. That doesn't bother me. That doesn't bother me. That doesn't bother you. Wait, let me do it. Let me see if I can do it.

It won't bother me if you're doing it on purpose. Really? Right. That's what we established. Chewing sounds don't bother me. It's not the sound. It's that. It's that people don't give a shit.

Yes. Yes. It's the chaos. The first question is, what makes Glenn the most angry? Just in general? Yeah. Oh. Okay.

Oh, wow. I got it. Okay. I'm ready to rock. You see, that's amazing. There's so much. There's so much. But you went for it.

You just went for one. Charlie, show us your answer. Okay. I wrote chewing loud. Oh, yeah. Okay. Chewing. Chewing.

Chewing loud. Chewers. You know, smacky foods. The difficult thing I think about this is that so many things make me angry. So I wrote down a sort of a broader category which would encompass what you wrote, Charlie. Can I have a one second guess? I won't write it, but just to say, did you write the word life? Wait, I think I know what you did.

I think I know what you did. I think I know what you did. Yeah, go for it. You wrote having to do with people not giving a shit. That's cool. That's cool. That's about people not caring. That's a big one.

You didn't say it the way I said it, but I think what you're saying is what I... I think what you mean is what I meant when I wrote what I wrote. Mm-hmm. Yeah, would you write? People's lack of awareness. Sorry. This bothers you? Yes.

I don't know what I'm doing on purpose. You're trying, Bob. There's a lot of people out there right now that are fucking really grossed out. And then there's some people that are getting erectioned, right? Right. Right. Right? Yeah, I guess.

I don't know. I don't know. Is that what it is? I don't know. Are women into this? No. No. It's only men of it.

Oh, you speak for all women? Yes, I do. No, Meg speaks for all women. It's a good egg, Meg. Thank you. It's a good egg. It's a good coffee egg. So it turns out you can boil your egg in coffee or water and it won't penetrate the shell.

Boil it in whatever... Whatever you're already boiling, just go ahead and throw an egg in there. It won't make a difference. That's basically what we're saying. Well guys, this has been great. This episode has been brought to you by Egg. Egg. It's just funny.

For your trying times. Guys, we know it's your favorite part of the podcast where we hawk products to pay Megan's rent. What is going on with Megan's rent this week? I'll tell you what's going on. This week she spent a little too much money on champagne in the UK and now she can't afford her rent. Sounds like champagne problems to me, right?

Well, yeah. You should have put together more of a travel fund there, Meg. Fortunately, we've got you covered with our partners at Viori, the most comfortable exercise and lounge apparel this side of the gym or the couch. Yeah. Okay. So what you're talking about here is called athleisure. It's the art of looking like you're working out even when you're not, which is extremely

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But he doesn't. He probably sees, he just sees all. He's probably got some clunky scenes that he looks at and is like, oh, I wouldn't stage that one that way anymore or something. What's that Spielberg? Do you still, Mr. Spielberg? Steven. Steven, how do you feel about the first Jaws movie?

I think it's pretty good. I'm a bit sad. I mean, I still like it. I mean, I mean, you know, I don't love everything about it, but there's some things that I think still work and I do regret that the shark didn't look better because I still think the movie would have been better if the shark, if we'd been able to see the shark more, but that turned out to be a good thing according to some people. I don't.

I, I, I stay by it. I stay by it. I don't know. Is that bad, Steven Spielberg? What are you talking? Well, let's have Steven. Steven, how is your impression of yourself? Is it good or is it bad?

I don't think I sound like that. Well, thanks for coming by, Steven Spielberg. Yeah, man. Thank you. Thank you. That was, yeah. Steven Spielberg. Wow.

What a get. When I was a kid, we would go to the beach and, and there was no sunblock. My mother used to spray us with vinegar. Yeah. To get, to get you dark. Yeah. Well, it was to keep away the flies. That is the funniest thing.

Picturing me is like. What? Macklehead and kids just reeking of vinegar. Yeah. I didn't like you coming over to a kid like, Hey, will you, will you guys want to play Frisbee or something? And they're like, Oh God. What is this?

My eyes are watering. Trying to talk to the skin. Oh shit, man. How much fish and chips did you have? The fuck are you? Boy. Yeah. Guy smells like a fucking salad.

Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Even worse than that. By the way, the second you go in the water, that vinegar is off. Yeah. Oh no. But when you came out, she had more of it.

She just. Watch out for mom. She's got the vinegar. She's got a blast. Now I ask her, like, why, why was I sprayed down with vinegar? It's, and I'm like, do you think that they'd help to like engage the sun in some way? And she was like, uh, it's, by the way, it's, it's still unclear a hundred percent. She's like, honey, I was loaded.

Yeah. Oh, 100 percent, that's, that's no doubt. We would go down there with her and her sisters and her friends. Yeah, why vinegar? They would play parcheese. So what if she was like. Because in Jersey, they had these like horse flies that would bite you. Oh yeah.

And I think it was like to keep the, they don't like the vinegar. So it keeps the flies away from you. And then. But no. No. You know some of. It's covered in vinegar and flies. And you know those kids get fulfilled.

Yeah. Yeah. And I always got flots around it. She also loved for some reason, she loved the look of those like, of like those like swimmer, like, like in the European. Oh no. Like they look like underwear. Right.

Okay. Yes. Yes. Like a swimmer, like a swimmer. She loved that look. Right. And we were too young, but I was old enough. I was probably like nine, nine or eight or nine or 10.

And she was like, you just look so cute in these. And meanwhile, like, you know, maybe at like six, you don't care. But by the time you hit like 10, you're like, my dick is tiny. And it looks so bad. Yeah. So much smaller. Yeah. Like, yeah.

And so now I'm where I'm. I only know how it's reacting to the vinegar too. Yeah. Right. Striggles. Yeah. Yeah. Like a slug.

Like a slug. Like a slug. Yeah. That's, that is so weird. Yeah. Like I mean, I grew up in the south a lot more slides. Good memories though. Like I just, I remember it really fun.

No, I did. I did remember carrying once like 10 or 11. I remember there being like a group of kids and me always like having my hands over my dick. And then like my cousin being like, look, man, there's no hiding. There's no hiding. You got to get a new suit. You guys just got to get a new suit.

And I was like, all right. So 11 years old, you were still wearing like the European maybe 10. Yeah. Like I'll get some, I'll get some photos because we have some photos. I look happy in the photos. I do really enjoy when I see, it's always like an older gentleman. It's always a man like, you know, well into his sixties or above, you know, and those guys are just like, I don't give a fuck.

This is what I like. Yeah. This is what I want to wear. This is what I like. This is what makes me comfortable. And I don't care how it makes you feel. Well, I'll tell you what, I was tan as shit. Like for as, as, as Irish skin that I have, I was like, because we would be out there

on the beach every day covered in vinegar with no clothing, with no clothing on. So I was so tan. The photos you see of me, I'm like, this is crazy. I look so, so dark. How does the vinegar affect the sun? Does it, does it make you get more sun or does it actually block the sun? Well, I think she, from her point of view, I think it did has, no, no, it didn't block the sun.

I think it was like an old, it had the same properties as like a baby. Oh, thanks. So it enhanced. I believe so. Yeah. Like she wanted us tan. Yeah. Right.

Just because that was the healthy look. You know. Right. Right. I want my baby, I want my kids to look healthy. Yeah. Spray them and get them out there. Yeah.

And if he's covered in horsefly bumps, then that negates the whole thing. Sure. I'll take up some photos. I want him to resemble a french fry. You know what I mean? Yeah. I think I look pretty good if I'm being honest. I mean, my, I look like, you know, like, my dick didn't look great.

Yeah. I was a little kid. I don't know if you should be looking a little kid's dick anyway, but like, I think my, my body looked alright. I was tan. I was tan. Yeah. I was tan.

Yeah. I guess so. What percentage of people are going to try the vinegar thing now? They're like, oh, you really tan? I'm going to try the vinegar. Listen, I grew up in Alabama where we had a shitload of horseflies and nobody ever sprayed me in vinegar. Nobody ever suggested spraying, you know, me down.

It could have been to fuck with us. I don't know. It could have been to be like, look, we got to toughen this kid up, right? So we got to get him out there and like having kids pick at him so he can, I don't know, get those. So he can spend the rest of his life overcompensating. Yes. It's a bizarre move.

One way or the other. Yeah. Yes. Just to spray yourself in vinegar is very strange. Yeah. We should have my mom on the podcast and have her answer for it. I feel like I don't remember any. Oh, I don't know.

You're supposed to get vinegar all over you. That's what you do. Stop, Robbie. You loved it. But as you age, it definitely gets harder. You have. Oh, for sure. For men, you have less testosterone.

You, your skin looks so you're never going to look the same as you would in your 20. Even if you got into the same kind of shape, our skins all stretched out and shit. I'm getting things hacked off my body every other week from sun damage from the vinegar. Oh. The vinegar. That's the kind of thing on my face. I got to get cut out. On your face?

On my face. I don't see it. Yeah. You can't, you can't see it. You'll see it when there's a giant scar there. Yeah. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Look, are you wearing makeup right now? Why can't I see this thing on your face? What's wrong with your face? What the fuck are you talking about? I've already had, you know, have you, have you had things removed from your body? Yeah. Okay. So they remove it, then they biopsy it.

Yeah. And so this one I got, they biopsyed it and it's like some kind of. There is nothing on your face. You can't see it because they cut it off. You might need to switch dermatologist because this guy might be making a killing off you, just being like, here's a rich guy. I'm just going to keep chopping shit off him. Yeah.

I'm going to chop this guy up. Wow. Chopping the bits. You know what I mean? Because I went to a guy this years ago and got something, like I had a freckle on my back and I have a big scar now from they cut it off and like 12 stitches. And then I go to a different guy now and it's like, no, he's never, he's barely cutting off anything.

Yeah. You know what I mean? And I feel like the other guy was just knife happy. Well, maybe the, maybe the first, maybe the first one was a good doctor and this one's killing you. Well, no, not judging by the office, the second guy's got a better, better looking office. You do wonder how those doctors get into certain specialties, right? You go to med school because very, you know, very few people when they're, you know, six

years old and all the other kids are like, I want to be an astronaut, I want to be a football player. And he's like, I want to shave people's, you know, parts of their skin off and biopsy them. Nobody does that. So they. I want to look at their moles. I want to stick my finger up a guy's butt all day long.

Yeah. Nobody, nobody's dream is that when they're a kid talking about proctology. It's demeaning doctors. I'm not demeaning them. Nobody wants to be a doctor. I didn't say that. Who the fuck wants to be a doctor? I didn't say that.

You said nobody, you said no kids want to be a doctor. You said no kids. Dreams of being a proctologist. This is your problem. Yeah. You don't listen to the specificity of what I'm saying. You're talking about a proctology. We're talking about moles.

What I was about to say was a kid does grow up though, thinking I want to be a doctor. And then eventually that turns into, you know, some, and some people do just become internists or general practitioners and, you know, whatever. But then, you know, somewhere along the way, somebody's got to go, well, I guess I'll be the butt guy. You know what I mean? I guess I'll check out buttholes. But like, are you already into that shit?

Like, are you going through med school and you're like discovering that you're like, I'm kind of fascinated by like, what's inside people's butts, you know, I want to see the butt itself, then I want to go through the butt and see everything. I want to see the journey from the butthole through the intestines. You know what I mean? Maybe. Or you're looking at it and saying like so many men die of prostate cancer. So you're just seeing dollar signs.

No, you're thinking that you want to save. Maybe it's a doctor's cell. That's a lot of money. It's a lot of money. It's a lot of money. There's a lot of money in saving lives. Not a lot of people want to do it. And I do.

I also don't want my drink to be my meal. I like a meal. I like a drink. I don't want my drink to be my meal. I would drink every single meal if I could. Really? Every single meal. You don't really enjoy food.

I want to be chewing and you know. Chewing is a massive waste of time and energy. You want to mix it with my saliva and swallow it. That's it. That's it. Well, the way you chew, it is a waste of time though. I do chew a lot of chewing. There's a lot of chewing.

A lot of chewing. There's compartmentalizing of the food. I hate the way I eat. It gets chewed and going to a lower corner. It sits there for a while or something else is chewed and moved up into the top of your mouth. Then at some point it swallows together. It's a family line.

It's a family line. It's a family line. It's something I hear. You're so silly. You're separating the egg from the salt in your mouth somehow. Because you've learned what will metabolize faster. You are turning food into a liquid in your mouth before it's being swallowed. Sorry, I don't want to just talk to fans on the phone.

I like this onering sound. You too. I need that. I love it. Welcome to the Always Sunny podcast. You're on with Rob, Charlie, and Glenn. Hey. What's going on over there?

Oh my God. Hi, Megan. Hi. Oh, Megan fan. All right. All right. You spoke directly to Megan. Who are we speaking with today?

I love Megan. So do we. So do we. Why do you ask Megan a question? Yeah, yeah. Because she loves to talk. But she hasn't been able to. Because we just talk over her.

You got any. First of all, who are we speaking with today? I'm Daniela. Hey, Daniela. I'm on the shitter. Daniela! I called her from the shitter. Are you on the shitter?

Wow. Okay. Cool. Are you actually taking a shit? Are you taking a shit? Or are you peeing? No, I'm taking a shit. That is amazing.

That is amazing. Is it a good one? Are you hydrated? Or is it coming out runny? Is it a match? Do you have to wipe a thousand times? Or is nothing going to come out? Is it going okay?

It's one of those where you sit down and then you kind of get bored and you're just there and then I called in and I was like, no way. You're going to have to coax it out. I'm here. You're going to have to coax it out. All right. Well, if you need to stop to push your grunt, that's fine. Yeah.

Well, I'm sorry. I missed the first part. Has any been exported yet? Just like little dots. Nuggets. Nuggets. Nuggets. But you're looking for a book. Right.

She's getting the little dots out. She's getting milk duds and she wants a full Snickers bar. I'm sensing a hydration problem here. Yeah. I'm going to suggest the most. No, no, no. This is morning. This is morning.

I've got to warm up. All right. All right. Okay. This is the first one. This is the first one of the day. I think y'all really did that. All right.

She had a question for Megan. It went into her book. It went into hiding. It went into hiding. It went into hiding. It got scared. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It got scared.

Your butt got scared. Now, why is it a morning poop for you? Where are you calling us from? Yeah. Are you in Hawaii? I'm calling from Arizona. Okay, okay. It's 1030, so it's kind of not late.

That's a young person's morning. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. We're old. We're up at seven with the kids. Yeah. What's your question for Megan? Yeah.

There's a question. You can ask her anything and she will tell you. Okay. Megan, have you done your bowel movement for the day? This is amazing. This is wild. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't bring anything into this room other than enthusiasm for these guys. That's right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You can't have poop in your body and do a podcast. I feel incredible work ethic. You're not even so lucky to have her.

Yeah, we know. We know. We know. I have a follow-up question. What podcast did you call into while you were having your bowel movement? Yeah. Who do you usually call? Yeah.

I keep it to myself. Yeah. Yeah. That's fair. Okay. Well, listen, we hope that you can get a nice full Snickers bars worth of poop out. Yeah. We hope you have a full evacuation.

You know what I mean? A complete elimination. Yeah. Thank you guys. Y'all made my day. Y'all like, and then it's just started. It was fantastic. All right.

Well, enjoy your bowel movement and thanks for calling us on the podcast. Thank you. All right. All right. Have a good week. Bye. Bye. Bye.

There's a guest actor in this episode and I don't want to name the person because this, the story I'm going to tell is sort of a personal story. But it was this actor's first ever audition for anything. Oh yeah. Glenn, do you remember the story? He would be happy to tell the story, I believe. It might be worth getting in touch with him and having him. Is this Leah's friend?

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. All right.

We, Rob, you say his name and then we can beep it out or whatever. And then if we get permission from him, we'll put it in. Okay. His name is... So, Megan, you don't know this story, right? So, I guess we'll tell it to you and listen around. Yes. So...

And then, what, maybe you tell the story and then we'll have... Call in and tell his version of it that maybe we might miss because this is now. Okay. 10 years ago. But it doesn't make life right. to him, I guess after season one or two, and- Well, he's friends with our makeup artist, Lila Votro. Yeah.

And he said that he had his first ever audition for a movie, television, anything, and it was for our show. And he went, our casting director at the time was a guy named John Papsadera when we started the show. And he goes to John Papsadera's office and he's as nervous as can be, right? He's never auditioned for anything. And he's got his headshots and he knows his lines,

he's ready to go. And suddenly he has this like rumble in the stomach of like, you know, and that like taste in your mouth and the sweat of like- Taste in your mouth. Well, I don't know. It's just like the dry mouth- It's the taste in your mouth.

Okay, right. Yeah, like a dry mouth situation. That your body- Or the watery, the watery. Yeah, your body- That's usually Vomit. Oh, that's Vomit. Yeah, that's Vomit.

That's not what this is. All right, sorry. Well, this is coming out the other end. So he realizes he's gonna have diarrhea. Like he's like, there's no way I'm not having diarrhea. And it's- Vomit of the anus. And yeah.

It's coming. He said, yeah. So he goes to the bathroom, but just before he gets to there, someone, some actor or actress goes in and they lock the door and he's waiting. He's waiting. And he can kind of hear the person in there

like rehearsing their lines. And they're like- Oh, Jesus, come on. Taking forever. And he like tasks on the door, but they're not coming out. And then he's like, I'm not gonna make it. I'm not gonna make it.

So he goes in the alleyway behind the casting office. And he's like a dumpster there. And he, he doesn't quite make it. He has diarrhea in his pants. He pulls his pants down. And he's like, oh my God, this is a mess. He's trying to salvage the situation. He has no toilet paper.

So he's wiping his butt with his own headshots. And the sides. And the sides, yeah. He's just a paper and photographs of himself. He's wiping his ass with pictures of himself. It's never been a greater metaphor for Hollywood. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I mean, just like-

It's something out of like, you know, like a Ben Stiller. Absolutely. Right, straight out of a, yeah. And so as the story goes, he realizes, I'm done. There's no, I can't do the audition. I gotta go home. And he gets in his car and his pants are so ruined. And they're smelling, the car smells so bad

that he like takes them off. And like, I don't know if he throws them out the window or whatever, but he's driving home with no pants on. And as he's driving home with no pants on, he gets rear-ended. Oh my God. He gets rear-ended.

Now, the rest is kind of hazing for me. Like, I mean, there's like a homeless guy who looks in the window and starts yelling like, that dude's got no pants on. And anyway, so we heard the story and then, I think we had, he auditioned again. Cause we didn't just like automatically give him a part. We had to make sure he could-

I think, yeah, no, he auditioned for that. He did, but we found out about it after he had auditioned. Oh, that's right, that's right. So we probably would have just given it to him anyway because of that. But then he, Red Fortin was great. And we were like, yes, you have earned this role.

For this theme of St. Patrick's Day, I wrote you guys some toasts, which we can do with this shot in the style of a limerick. Oh, you wrote these? I wrote these, limericks for each of you. But I think that you shouldn't read the one that's about you, you should read one that's about Megan, this is really good.

Megan, you're a delightful writer. She's the best. You're a delightful writer. Who's going first? Who's going first? I'll go first. Okay. Because I don't trust my ability

to continue to speak and to speak. Coherently. Let's raise our glasses to Glenn, the best of the five-star men. He's the host of this show. Can't stay safe on the snow. And he dreams of not chewing again. Megan, that's very good.

That's so good. That's very, very good. Yeah. A lot of references to previous podcasts. And if someone at home doesn't think that it's good, they're fucking idiots. It's very good. Cheers.

Cheers. We'll go a little bit for this one. Wait, did I already drink mine? You said you didn't want it. Oh, I don't remember. Rob, read yours. Three cheers for our pal, Charlie Day. Yeah.

He's one of a kind in a way. We'd flatter him more, but he'll walk out the door and forget every word that we said. Yes. That's it. I didn't guess. So good.

So good. Wait, so good. It's like, God damn, that's good. Why, did I forget something? I don't ever. Oh, that's so good. Oh, that's so good. That is good.

That is good. Well, Rob, that means this one's about you. I guess so. You want to hear it? Yes. What are you anticipating? Well, out of the three of us, I'm the one that's closest to Megan.

Oh, so you're anticipating a roast. I think it's going to be devastating. Yeah, roasty. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But we have, we're very close. So she also loves you. Yeah, we love each other very much.

It's a love-hate relationship as it often is with someone you're close with. I'm guessing she doesn't love you. She likes you, but she doesn't know you that well. I mean, right now, I love everybody. Yes. Well, that's, ah! Yeah.

The beauty of the whiskey. But you're keeping her, because of your sociopathy, you're keeping her at arms length. That's not sociopathy. That's not sociopathy. That's growing up in an Air Force family where you moved around a lot and had to protect yourself.

God, that's a whole thing. Okay, all right. That's a whole thing that we can get into that, but I hold everyone at arms length. Got it. Okay. And I don't like that about myself. It's ingrained.

Okay. A toast to our good buddy, Rob. He's the reason we all got this job. Thank God he made Sonny to prove that he's funny. A little roast. A big roast. Because his other show makes people sob. Hey, Rob, guess who's stepping in to help Megan now?

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That's probably its taste and its extensive flavor list. Now, on something that you've never seen before, it's extensive flavor list. Now, on something loud, you know, something practically crying out for attention. I'm looking for a loudness in my beverage. Well, loud flavors are exactly what Bud Light Seltzer is all about. In fact, the louder, the better. We always say that on Sonny.

Just get as loud as you can. The louder, the better. Yeah, but let's be the judge of that. Let's take a look at this list here. Let's take a look at this list. What do they got? Cherry Cola Bud Light Seltzer Hard Soda Cherry Cola has the perfect cherry to Cola Seltzer ratio for indulgent taste

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Don't drink like a jerk. Rob, did you work out this morning? No, I had some crazy dreams. I was up all night from about two to about 4.30 and then I fell back asleep. What were you dreaming about? I fell back asleep. What were you dreaming about?

It was dark stuff. Dark stuff, not for this podcast. Were you dreaming you had COVID? No. Did you kill anybody? Did you kill me? No, I have a recurring nightmare that's in that space. Not you.

Where'd you kill? Yeah, it's happened in the past. But you're living with it. Is that like imposter syndrome? There's a fear that you're going to lose it all, right? If you're going to be arrested, you're going to lose it all. So probably in your life, you know, you've accomplished these things. You have this wonderful family.

That's what you do. You murdered your career. And you have this great career and you have this underlying fear. Well, I'm just, you know, who am I? I'm not a writer. I'm not an actor. I'm just Rob. So like, I'm a big phony and it could all be taken away from me.

I am here as your friend to tell you that that is true. And as sooner you accept that and just let it go and be like, yeah, I'm a big fraud. But so is everyone else. Just ask Steven. Steven doesn't know what he's doing. Steven, just each movie is potential disaster. Steven, who just stepped in the room.

Yeah, I felt good. What are we talking about? Well, Rob has imposter syndrome. And I say, don't fight it and say, oh, I'm a great creator. That's bullshit. Be like, yeah, I'm a fraud. So what? So everyone's a fraud.

They make it, baby. Nobody's nobody is what they are until they do what they do. And then once you do it, then you are what you are, whether you are or aren't. You know, basically what I'm saying is that nobody, like you said, nobody really knows what they're doing. So you just have to do it. You just have to do it. Yeah, yeah, that's the thing.

And you've got to be decisive. That's the thing that you run into a lot of times with directors where it doesn't work. You've got to be decisive. You have to be decisive whether you're right or wrong. Doesn't matter. You have to be decisive. Right. Because you're going to get down to set the sharks not going to work.

And then you've got to make choices. You've got to figure it out. You know, like you could be planning on seeing that shark a lot. Suddenly you're like, you know what, we're going to have to make this where you don't see the shark a lot. And then that's a lucky thing because then suddenly you're like, this movie is better because I'm not seeing the shark as much as I'm supposed to see in the first place. So shut up about your dreams, Rob.

I'm in the international arrivals terminal. So everybody's here. Actually, the one they shot love actually in. So you guys probably never seen love actually, but women will know that this is the terminal they shot the arrivals seen in. Love actually. The three of us sugarheads. Love actually.

I mean, they may as well have titled that movie. Men don't bother. And they didn't. Love actually. Don't be sarcastic with me. Movie title. Fuck you. Yeah.

It's love. Actually, it's love. Yeah. Yeah. So. All right. Okay. So there you go.

The answer is that what is that? What does that mean? Was the question posed? Are you with me for the sex? Are you with me for something else, sweetie? Are you with me for my money? Love actually. Yeah.

Yeah. Let's talk about a movie that we've never seen actually and pontificate on why the movie is called. Why the title? I like that game. I think it could also be that it's like you thought you were in love with somebody, but then you meet somebody else and you're like, actually that's love. I didn't realize that until I met this person.

This is love actually. The thing before was just. That's most likely. I thought it was, did I get too real? Did I not be funny and I actually nailed it? Meg, did I nail it? Could it be about someone who's incapable of feeling love and then suddenly like starts to feel it and like this is actually the emotion of love?

This is love actually. It's actually that. What if the movie is about a guy named Phil actually? Phil actually. Yeah. Right? Yeah. It's Star Cross lovers.

There's a woman named Jane and she falls in love actually. Jane Love falls in love with Phil actually and this is great. This is really good stuff. All right. So we've got a sequel. Who's in that movie? Who's in that movie? Everyone.

Right? Isn't it one of those? Yeah. Lots of people are in that movie. Yeah. Because it's like six different stories. I prefer your version of it to the actual one, so I'm not going to tell you guys what happens in it because you should break your own version.

You like our version? Yeah. I probably did see it and just don't remember seeing it. It sounds like a Hugh Grant movie. Was he in that? Is that a Hugh Grant joint? Yes. Hugh Grant was in it.

Oh, for real? He was. Yeah. Of course he was. What are you kidding me? Of course he was. He was in love actually. I believe he played the prime minister in the movie.

Of love. The prime minister. It is a gentleman, the prime minister of love. Love actually. Oh, it's a Christmas movie. It's a Christmas movie. Okay. It's a Christmas movie.

The prime minister of kindness. Of love, actually. That's the first line. Right. Listen to this cast for one second. Hugh Grant, Liam Neeson, Colin Firth, Laura Linney, Emma Thompson, Alan Rickman, Kira Knightley, Martine McCutcheon, don't know, Bill Nye, Rowan Atkinson. I must see this movie.

These are fantastic actors. We're missing out. Yeah. I mean, you know, it doesn't tickle my fancy. I saw the poster. I knew all those people. They're great actors. They're great.

They're great actors. They're great. They just need to do a movie. Now, if the movie was called Guns, actually, I probably would have gone to see it, you know what I mean? Or like, you know, fists, fists, actually, you know, and have that cast. I'd be like, fuck yeah, man. What is that?

Like, what is that shit? Like, yeah. It's Fist Action Lee, and it's about a guy named Lee and his fist action. Yeah. And all his fist actions. That's what I'm seeing that for sure. As a fan of Glenn, I recognize I can see in his camera that he is staying in a hotel room. There's a part of me that wants to know how many times today, or since you got to the

hotel room, have you masturbated? I want to know. Now, I want to know that as your friend. I want to know that as a fan of yours, because I find it funny. I'm picturing you landing and being like, I haven't been away from my family in like a year and a half. I'm going to lock this door, and I'm going to beat my dick like it owes me money, and I'm going to do it for like a solid three out.

Yeah, I like to think that maybe it is. I'm going to strip at least three or four layers of skin off this thing. Yes. You know what I mean? Now, there's going to be people banging on its hotel wall, being like, are you okay in there? Is everything okay? I hear a lot of screaming.

Are you okay? Yes. There's so much screaming. Yeah, yeah. Do you hear voices? Is it? How many people are in there? It's just one.

Yeah. It's just one. I want to know about it. Don't worry about it. It's fine. I play all the characters. I'm getting into character. It's like an Eddie Murphy thing every time I masturbate, all right?

Just let me do my thing. I'm getting into character. Leave me alone. Don't talk right now. Not now. Don't talk to me now. I can understand the desire from a person out there in the world. I think that would be amazing.

If I'm listening to SmartLess and Jason were to check himself into a hotel room and he started, would it start talking about that? I would find it absolutely fascinating and probably hilarious, but there's also a weird connection because anybody that's alone or have been alone or away from people for the first time in a long time knows exactly what that feeling is like, but we don't talk about it a lot in public because it's either base or private or whatever. I get that too. I also understand why you wouldn't want to tweet that out to the world, but yet I still

love the gear. Yeah. Sure. I mean, that's why you built a whole separate little house for yourself, right? Maybe why you were so sweaty in 18 minutes like this is not for sweat. Oh no, for the listener at home, he's holding up a dark raccoon. It's dry. It's dry.

It's dry. It's dry. Get the pulse. Well, it's dry now. I think Megan almost threw up. Yeah, there's been, look, look, I spend a lot of time down here. I'm a human being. Yeah, of course.

From time to time, I find time for myself. You have needs and a high speed internet connection and all that leads to another. I wonder what percentage of our audience just masturbates to the podcast. Oh, you know, there's probably like, like one person, right, at least? Should we give somebody, should we give them something? Should we, should we take our shirts off? Do you guys remember that cable show in New York, New York one, like, where it was like news during the day?

Yeah. And at night it was Robin Bird. Robin Bird. We talked about this. Did anyone on the podcast? I don't think so. I don't think we talked about Robin Bird. So it was like soft-core porn.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, it was, yeah, it was like, she would have like strippers on. She would have slashed men. Yeah, it was, it was both women and men and they would be, they would come on and give us men for men and then women for, for whoever. Women for men. And they would come and they would basically be.

All for men. It was all for men. It was all for men. Yeah, it was all for men. It was all for men and women for men. Yeah, it was all for men. And it was, and they would do like strip teases. Yeah.

It would strip. Yeah. There wouldn't, there wouldn't be any like fornication. No. But they would do strip, but they would strip naked and then they, then they would plug what strip club they were working at in the city. There was like a weird song on the Robin Bird show too. It was like.

Oh, baby, let me bang your box. Box. Wow. Baby, let me bang your box. You are the only reason. Say a вот banging since I was a little girl. Happy bang Zoom. Happy banged inzinho, little girl.

That's just it. And that's it. Baby, let me bang you a box set. I've been banging since I was a little girl. Baby, let me bang your box. Don't know. All boxes. Linus.

ergina. No, but well, but, but she was singing it. She was singing it about, well she's singing it about herself and saying that she's been banging since she has. Little girl. Since she was a little girl. see that kind of that's upsetting there was a darkness well okay wait let me play that let me play that was advocate for a second okay there also something to like

you know how that somebody is scantily clad it's more attractive than someone who's just like completely naked do you see do you feel that way sometimes say say that again meaning like there's a lot of air of mystery where you're like I can see aspects of your nudity and your body through your clothing for example is maybe more attractive than someone who's just like nude yes I agree with that yeah I like a little mystery yeah like when you see a juicy dong hanging down somebody's pant leg is that better than seeing the dong itself yeah I don't want to see any more than half of it right yeah sure but you don't mind seeing the top yeah a little bush well Glenn we've established that you are the host of the show could you what should we do next

um well so so here this is a little awkward or maybe it isn't I don't know I always write notes on my phone when I watch the episode right like if I have questions I want to ask you guys or things I want to talk about or whatever it looks like I'm just looking at my phone in the in the video but you know just know listener watcher watcher you fucking creep uh that when I'm looking at my phone that's great that's great listen to the audience apparently half the audience watches a podcast okay and you've just called them all creeps a lot of people watch and I like that Glenn calls them creeps and I think we should just call them the creeps well when you call someone a watcher it just sounds creepy I'm not saying they're creeps I'm just saying

when you call someone a watcher it sounds great yeah it's like call someone a listener it's like yeah listener yeah right but I I think maybe that's kind of fun that if the audience on the uh who's listening to this in on the drive to and fro work um they're the listener and anybody who's watching is a creep by the way we did it this is great we definitely did it we did the fuck out of it yeah and um good luck editing this because jesus christ god bless play us out charlie okay play us out something that's a lot of pressure we came to be funny but we searched for the truth we told some yarns got along in the tooth

but life's just that way if you're lucky that is I guess I'm just foolish for living in bless for I am happy me I guess that makes me awfully sunny and that's why we're here here for we are sunny even though we seem blank sometimes it may appear

but we are sunny because we're hopeful in a way and we're honest with each other and I guess that's just the way we appear we are sunny in a way and this will be what we're known for home till our very last day oh my god that's good man very good wow I just got I don't know I just got actually emotional talking wow that just that just really got me yeah that's what it's like huh that's what it's like being with him you know