The Amelia Project - Episode 20 - Cleo

Episode Date: October 4, 2019

“Congratulations. You’ve reached The Brotherhood of the Phoenix.” Episode 20, Season 2. With: Layla Katib, Karim Kronfli, Benjamin Noble, Torgny G. Aanderaa, Gianluca Iumiento and Ravdeep Singh Bajwa. Written by Oystein U. Brager. Story editing by Philip Thorne. Directed by Philip Thorne and Oystein U. Brager. Music and sound design by Fredrik S. Baden. For full credits see our website. Warning: This episode contains nudity. Check out our sponsor The White Vault: thewhitevault.com/ Check out What’s the Frequency: wtfrequency.com/ Hear the interview “Bathing in Cocoa” with Amelia creators Pip and Oystein on PodUKast. The Amelia Project is an audio fiction series. We recommend starting at the beginning. Congratulations. You’ve reached the content warning. The Amelia Project is about death, mishaps, mayhem and misfortune. And cocoa. If you’re not comfortable with this, stop listening. Now. The Amelia Project is part of the Fable & Folly Network. Find and support our sponsors at: fableandfolly.com/partners Website: ameliapodcast.com Twitter: @amelia_podcast Patreon: patreon.com/ameliapodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Travel better with Air Canada. You can enjoy free beer, wine, and premium snacks in economy class. Now extended to flights within Canada and the U.S. Cheers to taking off this summer. More details at aircanada.com. Because the Skip app saves you so much time by delivering stuff like your favorite cool treats, groceries, and bevies, you get more time to have the best summer ever. Like riding roller coasters.

Learning to water ski. Applying sunscreen to your dad's back. Yep, definitely the best summer ever. Squeeze more summer out of summer with Skip. Did somebody say Skip? Warning. This episode contains nudity. Listener discretion is advised. Thank you for coming so quickly.

It's not every day you get a call from MI5 at four in the morning. Will you tell us what it's all about now? Well, we were just waiting for my partner, actually. He's popped across the road to get us some breakfast. Should be back any... Bacon rolls and four Americanos. Oh, I need coffee. I could murder a bacon roll.

Oh, thank you. Well, least we can do for dragging you out of bed. Now, before we continue, this is highly confidential. You understand? Yes. Your lips are sealed. Like a pharaoh's tomb. Good.

What can you tell me about this? Oh, my God. Where did you get this? Oh my God! Where did you get this? Is it real? A dream. Definitely still a dream. Looks like this is from the late Hellenistic period. Probably about 20 to 30 BC. I see. Can you read it? Sure. But first we have to remove this mud.

Papyrus scrolls were often cased in mud in order to protect... No, that's coffee. What? You spilled coffee on... Do you have any idea how valuable this is? Go on, what does it say? Um... Congratulations, you've reached the Brotherhood of the Phoenix.

This meeting isn't happening. If you're not serious about this, hang up now. Good Lord, how did you know? It says leave now, not hang up. Still? You can read hieroglyphs. Ah, just a lucky guess. I've never seen anything like this.

It's not an epistle, poem or funerary text. It's renonymous, like a play. What do you think, Anna? I think it's a transcript. A transcript? A transcript of a meeting between two people. Retro-normous, like a play. What do you think, Anna? I think it's a transcript. A transcript? A transcript of a meeting between two people. Yes. Yes, that must be it.

So if this was taken down by a scribe... We're dealing with someone wealthy or educated. A priest, doctor, a nobleman? Would you mind reading it out? Of course. I'll keep reading the person making the mysterious threat. Anna, can you read... Anna? Anna, what you read... Anna? Anna, what's up?

John, you know who this is, right? Where it nebet neferu achetse? Excuse me? Oh my god Please tell me this is still a dream Shut up, Carl Who is it? Who?

It's Cleopatra Holy mother of... Thank you. The Amelia Project. Created by Philip Thorne and Oistein Braga. With music and sound design by Frederick Barden. Episode 20. Cleo. Client 50 drowned in the Nile. Client 51 kicked by a camel. Episode 20. Cleo. felled by an obelisk. Client 55, did you see that? That roll of carpet just moved.

You don't have to write that down. When I said write everything down, I didn't... Oh, never mind. Where were we? Client 55, that roll of carpet definitely moved. There's someone hiding in it. Surprise! Surprise! Well, dip me in, honey, and call me a mummy. Didn't see that coming, did you?

My queen. Call me Cleo. Why were you hiding in a roll of carpet, my... Cleo? When I pulled the carpet prank on Caesar, he was so surprised he spilled his goblet and choked on a grape. But I'm here for a serious matter. I hear you're the best in the business. We are. Welcome to our offices. Can I get you anything? Some wine, perhaps? Dates? A bowl of figs? Do you have a bath?

A bath? Well, I'm rather dusty from spending the morning inside a carpet. One moment. Yavianus! Silvanus! Bring the bath in here, would you? It's marble. But they're frightfully strong. They're Romans. Oh, and it has to be filled with donkey's milk. Donkey's milk? Mm-hmm. Better for the skin.

Doesn't it smell? Oh, yes. It's very stinky. Very well. Um, how many donkeys does it take to fill a bathtub? Oh, that sounds like a joke. It was a serious question. 700. Sylvanus, fill the bath with donkey's milk with you. If you milk 700 donkeys, that should do the trick.

So, Cleo, what brings you here? It's all so boring. Really? We're in the middle of a war. You know how old I was when I seized the throne from my little brother? Twenty? Eighteen. Then he seized it back, I fled, seduced Caesar, and seized the throne back again. Sounds thrilling. Oh, it was. But where do you go from there? Once you've poisoned your brother,

seen your battle fleet wrecked in a storm, had your sister killed on the steps of a temple. That was a riot. And got everybody to believe you're the reincarnation of the goddess Isis. Everything else starts to seem a bit... I don't know... Pedestrian. But you're...

The Queen. These days that mostly means posing for coins and issuing tax decrees. Boring! Well, if there's one thing I really, really, really, really, really hate, it's boredom. I've taken to poisoning prisoners just for kicks. Oh. Then I founded the Inimitable Livers. A band?

A drinking club. We dress up as commoners and pull pranks on the citizens of Rome. Once, Mark Antony dressed as a centurion and ordered a farmer to do naughty things to a statue. Sounds like a lark. It gets old. So, let me guess. You want to fake your death for a laugh.

Oh, I've already done that. What? I sent Mark Antony a letter saying I was dead, and he believed it. You didn't. I did. How did he react? He killed himself. Well, I mean like a camel.

Mark Anthony's dead. Killed himself about an hour ago. It was tragic. But it was also kind of funny. Funny? Yes. He threw himself on his sword. How dreadful.

No, but you see, he didn't just die. He ran around shouting, Ouch! Ouch! I have a sword sticking out of my tummy. Then he didn't want to lie down and die, so he crawled all the way to my mausoleum. But he couldn't get in because the entrance was guarded. So my mate has pulled him up through the back window with a rope, but the sword keeps knocking into the wall and he's like, Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Oh, it was one of the funniest things I've ever experienced.

But then he died, and that means now we're going to lose the war against Octavian. Still, it was kind of worth it! I'm sorry, would you mind just toning it down a bit? What? The acting. Why? The laughing is a bit much. But it says here that she laughs.

It's just I have had a rough night and I've got the mother of all migraines. Anyway, how can you tell she's laughing? This is clearly the symbol for extreme merriment. It's not actually that clear-cut. According to Wolfgang Helg, it could also be weeping. What? That would make a lot more sense. Oh, come on. The context makes it obvious.

She says it was one of the funniest things she's ever experienced. If she thinks it's funny, why would she be weeping? That's not so clear either. Why would she be weeping? That's not so clear either. According to Salim Hassan, the hieroglyph fun may actually be the symbol for sadness. Now, how accurate is any of this? I mean, it's essentially just pictures, right?

Cole, you're embarrassing yourself. These are the most distinguished experts in the country. The most distinguished experts who are available at four in the morning and willing to work for a bacon roll and a cup of coffee. Cole. Sorry about him. Well, just making it up as they go along. It's just guesswork. I mean, there's always room for interpretation, but please continue.

I thought you were doing an excellent job. Experts. This episode is brought to you by New Balance Running. I thought you were doing an excellent job. Experts. working toward. New Balance has the running shoes, clothes, and accessories to push your run further and help you run your way. Find yours at newbalance.ca slash running. New Balance, run your way. 1800 Tequila believes that taste is more than just a detail. It's everything. Taste changes the game. It attracts all the attention. Taste elevates everyday moments into extraordinary experiences. Savor the best taste in tequila. 1800.

Taste is everything. Please enjoy responsibly. Ah, it looks like your bath is ready. You can put it down here. Thank you, Iviános and Silvanus. Well then, Cleo. I'd better leave you to it. No need.

You're going to undress in front of me. That's more fun, isn't it? Hurry, Horace. I have to turn away. I shan't look. I shan't look. Your loss. Can I turn around again? Yes. I'm all concealed by milk. Yes, I'm all concealed by milk. Ah, so, where were we? Octavian is about to march into Alexandria and kill me. Ah, yes, that's right.

Well, that should spice things up. You said you wanted life to be less boring. But I don't want my head cut off. I'm rather fond of my neckline. You came here in a carpet. Why don't you just escape by carpet to somewhere else? Octavian would come looking for me. The only way he'll leave me alone is if he believes I'm dead. Well, you'll need more than a letter this time. Which is why I need you. You certainly proved your phoenix material. You've been assessing me. That's what this interview is about. That's rather

conceited of you, isn't it? I'm your queen. I could chop your head off. That would rather defeat the object, wouldn't it? I suppose. I'll help you, Cleo. But first, we need some white mariotic. Sylvanas! That was quick. It's nice. Nice?

Did I say something wrong? Do you call the lighthouse of Alexandria big? You might as well say the decently sized Pyramid of Giza, or the Midget of Rhodes. Nice! This wine comes straight from the Delta vineyards. It's as vibrant as the heartbeat of Bast, and as sweet as a tear from the eye of Horus. I shall drink it with reverence, then.

How's the bath working out for you? The milk has gone sour. Shall I get some water to rinse off the smell? If you would. Sylvanas, bowl of water. Now, let's get back to business. Does anybody know where you are? No. Everybody thinks I'm still trapped in the mausoleum.

That's where your death should happen, then. Do you have any wishes? We should choose a death fit for a queen. Fire. Fire? I've always loved fire. Do you remember the great fire in Alexandria 18 years ago? Of course. Caesar wanted to force his troops to fight harder, so he decided to destroy any hope of retreat. He set fire to his ships and the fire spread to the city. The harbour burned very easily. What with all the scrolls in the library there. It was a tragedy.

Yes, tragic, but also kind of... funny! Funny? You see, it wasn't the ships that set fire to the library. It was me! The ships were the perfect cover, and Caesar got all the flack. Oh, I got milk in my nose. Ah, here comes Sylvanus with the water. Servant, pour the water over me.

Oh dear, I'll have to turn around again. Hand me my robes. Are you decent? Never, but I am dressed. Good. I think I've come up with a plan. One of your oil lamps falls over and sets fire to the carpet. I'll be rolled up in it. No, you'll just be reclining on it.

Although it won't really be you. We'll find a corpse that shares your characteristics. Someone as beautiful as me. Good luck. After the corpse has burned to a crisp, the person's looks will be insignificant. We just need someone with a skeleton that matches your height and build. That should be easy enough to find. Then where will I go? For your new life? Do you have any preferences? Oh, can I be a satyr? A performer? Yes, they are so funny. As a satyr, I can do anything.

Disrupt public life, pull pranks, drink wine till I drop. I'll have no responsibilities and total freedom. Satyrs are all men. I'll dress like a man. You'd live off arms. Not exactly a queen's lifestyle. Listen, I knew this was my last milk bath when I entered. I understand what this involves.

I'll be fine. And I'll get to wear a massive phallus. Very well. You'll burn to death and reappear as a satyr. We'll start preparations right away. We should be good to go in under two hours. Cleo, it's been a pleasure doing business with you. We'll seal the deal with a glass of... Wait a minute.

What? I've changed my mind. About what? The fire. I've changed my mind. About what? The fire. I don't like it. Why not? It's boring. But you love fire. I've gone off it.

Why? Because it's just a coincidence. Cleopatra burned to death. It's just tragic. It's not funny. You want a funny death? Yes. Like what? Being sat on by a hippopotamus? Bit unlikely in a mausoleum, isn't it?

It would be funny to see your maids by a hippopotamus? Bit unlikely in a mausoleum, isn't it? It would be funny to see your maid pull a hippopotamus up through the window. I don't want it to be an accident, though. Pulling a hippopotamus through your window could hardly be described as an accident. I mean my death. It needs to make a statement. To whom? Octavian. Octavian.

I want to show him I'm the master of my own destiny. Ah. Then may I suggest... suicide? Yes. Suicide is good. You could hang yourself from your chamber window. Or better, wait until Octavian arrives. Break a goblet, slash your wrists and bleed all over him.

Those suggestions make me look desperate. I do have a suggestion. Yes? You remember how I said I'd take into poisoning prisoners? Suggestions make me look desperate. Hmm. I do have a suggestion. Yes? You remember how I said I'd take into poisoning prisoners? Yes. I didn't just poison them willy-nilly. I've been experimenting, and I think I found a poison fit for a queen.

What's that? The asp. Bitten by a snake. I like it. Sylvanus arrives at the mausoleum dressed as a rustic. He tells Octavian's troops he's delivering figs to the queen. Once he's inside, you grab a fig, the snake jumps out and bites you in the arm. The arm is too obvious. Can it bite my breast? Excuse me? My breast. I want the snake to bite my breast. Much funnier. It's something people will remember. It will take quite a bit of coordination to get the snake to bite the right spot. Oh, don't you worry, sweetums. I'll manage.

Oh, but it won't be you. It will be the replacement corpse. Although now that you won't be burnt to a crisp, we'll need a corpse that matches more than just your skeleton. I told you that's impossible. For the Brotherhood of the Phoenix, nothing is impossible. Are you saying you can find someone to match my beauty? I'm saying we can mock up a corpse to look just like you. That's treasonous. I should have your head chopped off. We're not allowed to fake your corpse. Certainly not. Well then, we're in a bit of a bind. I have an idea. The asp doesn't have much venom. If we get it to bite my two handmaidens first, the venom that's left for me will be enough to give me convulsions and make me pass out.

But it won't kill me. Are you suggesting we kill your handmaidens? No. We find replacement corpses worthy of their likeness instead. Wonderful. Octavian arrives at the mausoleum, finds you unconscious, sees the snake bite and thinks you're dead. Although it would be even funnier if I was conscious. How's that? He'll be looking at my breast like, I shouldn't look.

It's indecent. But I really want to look because it's Cleopatra's boobs. But I really shouldn't but, oh. And then he peeks and I could go... Boo! That would defeat the purpose of the entire operation. But it would be kind of worth it, though. Just imagine the look on his face. Yes, but you really mustn't.

I won't. Promise? Promise. After Octavian leaves, your body will be left in the mausoleum for mummification. Once the bandages are on, we'll send Sylvanus in to retrieve you. Are you sure you can do it before they start evisceration? Having my brain drained through my nose wouldn't be very appealing. Extracting clients from mausoleum, tombs and pyramids is one of our specialties.

We'll get you out of there before you can say, Tutankhamun. Your two handmaidens will be waiting at the shore, ready to sail across the Mediterranean with you. Jovianus will be there with the boat. He's an excellent sailor. Perfect. I think it's time to seal the deal.

A glass of ambrosia? The nectar of the gods. I'm impressed. We don't skimp at the brotherhood of the phoenix. To your death. Can we toast to something else? Death is so depressing. Then let's toast to the afterlife.

To the afterlife. And that's the last hieroglyph. John, Anna, thank you so much. It was so vivid. You know, it was like I was there. I heard the sounds of her splashing in the bath. That was me stirring my tea. Was it?

Yes. I was closing my eyes at that point. I saw. Cole? Oh, come on, Cole. You have to admit that was gripping stuff. Yes, but how reliable was it? Well, as I said, with these old scrolls there's always room for interpretation. No two experts' opinions will be the same. We should take the scrolls back to the museum. Yes, run some tests in the lab. Do a proper translation. This was very off the cuff. I'm sure there were lots of mistakes. Not the

laughing, though. That was accurate. Well, we can't release these just yet. They're evidence. Where did you find them? This box here. Is there more in there? Ah, just tapes. Although I'm starting to think there are more of these boxes where this one came from. And who knows what else they might contain. Where does this box come from? Ah, we're

not at liberty to say yet. Well, if the tests prove positive and it turns out these scrolls are genuine, that would be the biggest find in centuries. Yes. If. But for now, you'll keep Sturm, yes? Sure. Yes.

Well, thank you again for coming in. Take the last bacon rolls for the tube bag. See you. Bye. Bye. Okay, bye. No way are we taking that to Northcott. Probably best to keep this one under our hat.

You don't believe a word of any of that, do you? They're experts. They're two crackpot academics with a flair for Amdram. However accurate or not their rendition of the scene was, there's no getting round the fact that among those tapes was an ancient Egyptian artefact. How did that get in there? This case is spiralling out of control. I thought the closer we get to the bottom of this box, the more things would start to make sense.

Turns out it's only getting stranger. Stranger? Or sillier? Both. I don't know what to believe anymore. Neither do I. Only one

thing to do, right? Next tape. Next tape. Next tape. We hope you enjoyed this episode of The Amelia Project. The Amelia Project is a fully independent production, which means it relies on support from you our wonderful listeners a huge heartfelt thank you to all of you who have joined us on patreon you make it possible for us to keep this series going and speaking of patreon there's a missing papyrus scroll pertaining to the Brotherhood of the Phoenix. Cole and Haynes missed this one,

but as a $5 patron, you can admire this papyrus scroll in all its Andas Piedasen-designed glory. If you're not yet a patron, you can head over to patreon.com slash Amelia podcast. That's P-A-T-R-E-O-N dot com slash Amelia podcast. Watch the video and make your pledge. We would be so grateful. And now the credits. This episode was written by Einstein Breger with story and audio editing by Philip Thorne. It was directed by Einstein Breger and Philip Thorne with music and sound design by Frederick Barden. It featured Leila Khatib and Karim Kronfli as the Egyptologists, Benjamin Noble as Agent Haynes, Torgny G. Ondero as Agent Cole, Gianluca Yumiento as Iannis, and Ravdeep Singh Bajwa

as Sylvanus. This episode was produced by Imploding Fictions. as Sylvanus. This episode was produced by Imploding Fictions. It was recorded by Battlebird Productions London and Spike City Studios Oslo, with studio engineering by Headley Knights and Robert Rustad Amundsen. All graphic design for the Amelia Project

is by Anders Pedersen. A special thank you to Sophia Anderson and Katarina Zindela for your very generous Patreon support. The Fable & Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish. Sure I can't get you a drink? Uh, I, um... They'd had a moment, hadn't they?

That afternoon when Garrett had smiled just like this, warm-eyed and amused in a way that made Tony want another cigarette, but also want to step forward and... Hey Kate, what are you writing? Ah! New text post on Thursday, May 21st. Title. Why you should be watching Selkirk.

So, Selkirk fandom. Who wants to read my 5,000 word essay, Garrett Last Name? Secret werewolf. I'm Kate, by the way. They kiss? I think I lucked out when I found Selkirk. Because if I'd loved something else, I would have made friends and I would have been able to read a ton of great stories.

But this way, I met you. Me and AU. A new story about love and fandom from the Procyon Podcast Network.