The Amelia Project - Episode 23 - Andy Spark - LIVE SHOW Crossover with We Fix Space Junk

Episode Date: January 16, 2020

“It's so frustrating to be born into the wrong millennium.” Episode 23, Season 2. With: Alan Burgon and Tom Crowley. Written and directed by Philip Thorne. Music and sound design by Fredrik S. Baden. Recorded live at London Podcast Festival Presents… Audio Drama at Kings Place in London. This was a special crossover episode with We Fix Space Junk, released simultaneously on both feeds. For We Fix Space Junk credits see their homepage. Check out We Fix Space Junk. Check out London Podcast Festival. The Amelia Project is an audio fiction series. We recommend starting at the beginning. Congratulations. You’ve reached the content warning. The Amelia Project is about death, mishaps, mayhem and misfortune. And cocoa. If you’re not comfortable with this, stop listening. Now. The Amelia Project is part of the Fable & Folly Network. Find and support our sponsors at: fableandfolly.com/partners Website: ameliapodcast.com Twitter: @amelia_podcast Patreon: patreon.com/ameliapodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Because the Skip app saves you so much time by delivering stuff like your favorite cool treats, groceries, and bevies, you get more time to have the best summer ever. Like riding roller coasters. Learning to water ski. Applying sunscreen to your dad's back. Yep, definitely the best summer ever. Squeeze more summer out of summer with Skip. Yep, definitely the best summer ever. Squeeze more summer out of summer with Skip. Did somebody say Skip? When it comes to smart water alkaline 9.5 plus pH with antioxidant,

there's nothing to overthink. So while you may be performing mental gymnastics over whether the post-work gym crowd is worth it, if you'll be able to find a spot for your yoga mat, or if that spin instructor will make you late for dinner again. Don't overthink how you hydrate. Life's full of choices. Smart Water Alkaline is a simple one. Hello Amelia listeners, it's Philip and welcome to this new episode. This is an episode between seasons, which means it doesn't follow straight on from the season two finale. You'll have to wait for season three for that. Rather, this is a recording of a live show that we did at

King's Place in London on the 30th of November 2019. This is a special crossover double bill with one of our favourite podcasts, which you've heard me mention before on the show many times, We Fix Space Junk. If you're fans of We Fix Space Junk, you'll love this episode. If you haven't listened to We Fix Space Junk yet, don't worry, you'll still be able to follow. And once you've finished this episode, I'm sure you'll want to go and subscribe to We Fix Space Junk and listen to their back catalogue. We've added a link to their show in the show notes and you can find them on all good podcatchers. As usual, we'd like to say a great big thank you to our wonderful wonderful patrons without you this show would not exist without you we would have given up a long time ago

if you'd like to join our patreon community and help us bring season three to your podcast feeds as soon as possible you can pledge whatever seems fair to you. $1, $2, $5, $50, whatever you think an episode is worth to you. Simply go to patreon.com slash Amelia podcast. That's P-A-T-R-E-O-N dot com slash Amelia podcast. And you'd be making us so, so happy. Right. Now, imagine you're filing into the auditorium at King's Place, London. You take your seat. The lights dim. Enjoy the show.

That's a wise word. Congratulations. You've reached the Amelia Project. This phone call isn't happening. If you're not serious about this, hang up. Now. You sure about this? If you hesitated, do not proceed. Still there? If you continue, there's no way back.

The choice is yours. Good choice. A new life awaits. You'll hear back from us within the hour. If you do not hear back, please consider the whole thing a hoax. Leave your message after the beep. A-A, bang, but ends, ends, ends, is, is, is, not. The, the, the, the, the, the, this, this, this way, way, way, whimper with world, world, world. guitar solo Welcome to the Amelia Project. Thank you. Sorry about the wait. Oh, not to worry. You've actually done me a favour. How's that?

There's a poem I've been working on for over a month. I just couldn't get it right. But sitting in your waiting room for three hours has allowed me to really focus. I think I've made a breakthrough. You finished the poem? I believe I have. Can I hear it? Certainly.

Are you ready? Wait, wait. I'm going to need some cocoa for this. Alright, hit me. Alright. Hairbrush. Hairbrush. Hairbrush. Hairbrush.

Hairbrush. Hairbrush. Hairbrush. Hairbrush. Hairbrush. Hairbrush. Hairbrush. Hairbrush.

Hairbrush. Hairbrush. Hairbrush. Hairbrush. Hairbrush. Hairbrush. Hairbrush. Hairbrush. Hairbrush. Hairbrush. Hairbrush. Hairbrush. Was that it? Hairbrush. Yes. It was just one word. Yes. Hairbrush. Would you like me to dedicate it to you? No. Yes? It was just one word. Yes.

Hairbrush. Would you like me to dedicate it to you? No. It's going to be published. Yes, yes. Volume three of Distillations. Distillations? I chisel and chip away at ideas until I'm left with only the essence.

You mean one word? A word, a letter, a sound. A sound? Do you want to hear my poem about extinction? Go on, then. Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. Oh, for God's sake. Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. Welcome late, cameras.

Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. Welcome latecomers. Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. This is the whole show. Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. What do you think? Honestly? Yes. I prefer the hairbrush one. You mean the verisimilitude of perfection?

That's what it's called? Yes. God, it's been a long time sinceitude of perfection? That's what it's called? Yes God, it's been a long time since we've helped a poet What was your name? Andy Spark Cocoa Andy Yes, please I have to admit, Andy, my taste in poetry is somewhat traditional

Blake, Wordsworth, Burns, Shelley Ah, I've done all of those Excuse me? I've taken their poems and I've liberated them. Liberated? From their shackles of meaning and context. How so? By taking all the words and reordering them alphabetically.

Right. Which is your favourite poem? Oh, that would be William Blake's The Tiger. Tiger, tiger, burning bright In the forests of the night What immortal hand or eye Could frame thy fearful symmetry? You want to hear my version?

If you insist. Bright, burning, could I, fearful, forest's frame, hand, immortal in, knight of, oh, symmetry, thee, thee, thy, tiger, tiger, what?

What indeed? Sorry? I said, what brings you here? That's not what you said. No, you're right. I'm sorry, it's just... You don't understand my work. I'm afraid not. Sorry. I'm used to it. Well, luckily the incomprehension of Philistines such as myself

doesn't seem to have stood in the way of your success. What do you mean? You said you've been published. Oh. Since the shores of futility, I've had to publish everything myself. The shores of futility? My novel. You're a novelist, too. I was supposed to be a novella, really, but

it got longer and longer. I missed six deadlines. When I turned in the completed work, it was three years late and 2,346 pages long. Wow. My publisher was furious and refused to print it. Because it was too long? Because she said it wasn't worth the paper it was printed on.

That's harsh. No, she was spot on, but that was the point. Hmm? The entire novel consists of just one word, written over and over and over again. 1,154,216 times, to be precise. Which word? Waste. Ah.

The book is a visceral manifestation of the ink wasted printing it, the hours wasted reading it, the years wasted writing it. So you regret writing it? Of course not! It's my masterpiece! So you regret writing it? Of course not! It's my masterpiece!

Writing waste 1,154,216 times is your masterpiece? I... I don't understand. Of course not. You think I'm stupid? Not stupid exactly, but... But? It's not your fault, it's just... Yes? Well, it's just, um... Yes? Well, it's just I'm, um,

I'm ahead of my time. Oh. So frustrating being born into the wrong millennium. Millennium? Blimey. Can you help me? With what?

My dilemma. You are aware of the service we provide. You help people escape from this life and transition into another. Yes, by faking their death and giving them a new identity. I'd like to keep my own identity, please. Look, Andy, I think I see what the problem is. You feel underappreciated. We can help you.

You can. We can put to rest your identity as a misunderstood writer and give you a new life in which you'll be highly appreciated. How would you like to come back as a GP, a village police constable, a primary school teacher, or a priest? What? We can make you a valued pillar of your community. But you'll need plastic surgery. That's non-negotiable.

A priest? There's currently a vacancy in Piddington. Nice little church. The nativity play attracts people from all over Northamptonshire. They have a real donkey. The congregation is still in shock after the tragic demise of Father Bruce.

What happened to Father Bruce? Plummeted from the pulpit. Oh, poor man. Oh no, he's very happy with his new life as a rock climbing instructor in Tasmania. Village life wasn't for him. You? Which reminds me, I must get Alvina to send him his obituary from the parish magazine.

It was very moving. Anyway, the congregation is desperate for a new priest. They'll welcome you with open arms. Oh, that's no good. I thought you wanted to be appreciated. Yes, for my writing. Oh. That's going to be appreciated. Yes! For my writing! Oh. That's going to

be difficult. I hear you only accept difficult cases. So you want us to transform not you but your readership? Yes. I want to live among peers. Sorry, but getting people to appreciate your work is too big

of an ask, even for Amelia. That's the easy bit. How so? I told you. That's just a matter of time. In 300 years, there will be streets named after me. Look, Andy, I'm sure that in 300 years, every schoolchild will be able to recite the shores of futility by heart.

All 1,154,216 words of it. But right now, on the 30th of November, 2019... That's what I want you to help me escape from. You want us to help you escape the present? Yes. And set you up with a new life in... How about the year 3031? The year 3031?

Yes. I think by that point, culture will have fully caught up with me and I'll be able to properly fulfil my potential. And what about Piddington? What about it? Well, it's almost December and the nativity play won't direct itself. You should have thought of that when you killed Father Bruce. Can we please

focus on my case? Of course. So, can you help me escape from the present and set me up with a new life in the future? Kozlovsky will have to preserve your body. That's not something we've done before. help me escape from the present and set me up with a new life in the future? Hmm... Kozlovsky will have to preserve your body. That's not something we've done before. But...

But? But Kozlovsky needs a challenge. Since replicating the Loch Ness Monster, he's been so bored. I reckon this is the perfect challenge to get him out of the dumps. Oh, wonderful! The problem will be where to store you. What do you mean?

In the last two years, the corner shop here has gone from being a grocer's to a chemist's to a betting shop to a funeral parlour to a travel agent's to a chippy to a news agent's. Did I tell you they now stock Maltesers? Your point? Think of how much will change in the next thousand years. Even if Kozlovsky

can keep your body perfectly preserved, that's a long time in storage. A lot can happen in that time. I'll have to be stored in a secure, private laboratory. Who's to say that in the next thousand years it doesn't change hands or go bust? What's the alternative? We should only consider storage solutions with a proven track record of at least five millennia. Are you serious?

If a container has made it intact through five millennia. Are you serious? If a container has made it intact through five millennia, chances are it will make it through the next century. I'm thinking, Andy, of an Egyptian sarcophagus. A sarcophagus? Luckily, I have a friend at the Louvre, Louvre's Egyptian antiquities collection,

who owes me a favour. You want to put me in a genuine Egyptian sarcophagus? The Louvre has the biggest collection of sarcophagi in the world. Surely they can let us tinker with one of them. You, er, I think your friend will agree. Listen, without me, Jean-Pierre would still be called Dragomir Markovitch

and facing a tribunal at the Hague. He'll do as I say. After closing hours, Jean-Pierre will let us into the Louvre. We'll choose a sarcophagus that matches your size, evict the current occupant and... I don't know how I feel about this. Do you want to disappear or don't you? I do.

Good. Kozlowski will refit the inside of the sarcophagus to store your preserved body. You'll be housed inside the walls of the Louvre and handled as a precious treasure. You may be sent on tour from time to time, but you'll always travel with state-of-the-art safety precautions. I honestly think this is your best chance

of making it undamaged to the next millennium. What do you think? I think... It's brilliant, I know! Oh, I've earned a cocoa top-up. It won't work. What? The fact that the sarcophagus has survived five millennia doesn't mean it will survive another.

Well, there's no guarantee, but the odds are in our favour. Do you remember my poem about extinction? Which one was that again? Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick.

Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Yes, yes, that one. That one. Mm-hmm. In the coming three decades,

more than half of the world's population faces 20 days a year of lethal heat. Crop yields will drop by a fifth. The Amazon ecosystem will collapse. The Arctic will be ice-free in summer. And sea levels will rise by 0.5 metres. This planet is a time bomb. I've gone off my cocoa.

Well, I suppose if life on Earth is coming to an end, there's no point to all this anyway. What? Don't be so defeatist. You just said yourself this planet is a time bomb. Yes. This planet. You mean... It only seems the most rational solution.

You're suggesting... By the next millennium, most of humanity will have migrated there. And you want to go... I want to go to space, yes. One moment. Ba, Ashkanhan! Aleceture, dustaman!

Mudates ya odi, azamoni ke jangaloya konguru? Bah! Konoparuzadim, kozashde? Azemdigier hode dariran, razi hasti? Ester esekar, dari iskoi fazai asicoro o gefil cantare bah bah ce bohol alist gabelesem arin adera

dustaman oscalsadam ketunistan komaki kunam baroie jobrane in car man, e komake shumu dar zamani lials daram. Shumu sha betonet, e man komakunet. Iakia zmustari oie man aloridere, iskoi fazo ike darun mustara razro oie joidege avazkone. الو، هده، از کوی فضایی که درون مستره راز رو اوی جایدگه عوض کنه. بلده، بلده، میدانم.

بلده. داستان شترولنیه. چطوری داستانی کمیلیشو دا فی با جبریم محیری به شپونمریم برال تریف کنم. بلده، بله باشو رفروفون منتظه وینگور هسته از این میترسم که خودم نتونم برم بیم انوز تر تنظر هستم منوز اتر از آنی ادوان کنن

که شوه حتی فرس داشته شه سر خودتو بخورنی ا باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید باید با Who was that? One moment. Ah, Alvina. Have you got a pen? Right, here goes. Clear Kozlovsky's schedule for the next week. I you got a pen? Right. Here goes. Clear Kozlovsky's schedule for the next week. I've got a big task for him. Also, can you have a word with Bazir at the Iranian embassy?

We're going to need visas for Joey and Salvatore. Yes? Yes. We'll send them to the Iranian Space Agency in Marabad as soon as Kozlovsky is done. Wonderful. Oh, and Alvina, I won't be in the office for the last week of December. I have to go and help out in Piddington.

If... If Yardley Hastings put on a better nativity play, I'll feel personally responsible. Toodle-oo! the Amelia Project is created by Philip Thorne and Einstein Breger with music and sound design by Frederick Barden this episode for the London Podcast Festival featured Alan Bergen as the interviewer Tom Crowley as Andy Spark and Julia Morizawa on The Answer Fam. The episode was written and directed by Philip Thorne with graphics by Anders Pedersen. A big heartfelt thank you to Katarina Zindela

and Sophia Anderson for your support. And now over to We Fix Space Junk. The Library A We Fix Space Drunk special episode for Lennon Podcast Festival by Beth Craig Thank you. Heads. Ugh! Fine. Tails.

You're rigging this. Yeah, so desperate am I to win. Oh, you're rigging this. Yes, so desperate am I to win. Oh, here we go. Hello, valued employees. Here are the details for your next exciting mission. You will be... Retrieving unknown object. In or at the coordinates at sign

PZA 222 slash 449 HHHGL. We hope you enjoy your mission. Additional notes. Beware competitors. Message ends. Competitors.

Yeah, you always get that with salvage. Was it dangerous? Of course it's dangerous, or always get that with salvage. Was it dangerous? Of course it's dangerous, or everyone would do it. Oh. Shields ready, Dax? As ready as they'll ever be. Manual controls up and running? Mm-hmm.

Let's get this... object. Ooh, um, left kiln at our left side. I know, I know. There's a ship right behind us. Damn it, okay. Duck and rise. Ducking and rising activated. And quick spin.

We're in danger of overshooting. Drop speed to 10%. Good thinking. What the... Means the others will overshoot. Right. Okay, incoming. Brace yourself.

Got it. Okay, ready to dock it now. Do we need to get away now? Nah, we got there first. The haul's ours. We're safe unless we drop it. Huh. What is it? I've got no idea. Preliminary scans say it's safe to approach.

Let's decontaminate it and go and have a look at the thing. Decontamination cycle complete. What is it? It seems to be a rudimentary cryogenic pot. Ugh. Last time I found one of those, well, whatever was in it had gone off. Ugh. So I'm guessing it's broken? No, it seems to be functioning.

And it appears to be defrosting. The decontamination spray must have chopped the machinery. Let's take a few steps back, just in case whatever's in there isn't friendly. What is it? Hello, chaps! It's human. Looking at its genetic makeup, it's a really, really old human. Who made this pod?

Well, finders keepers, it's ours now. I mean, automnicons, but we get a share of the scrap. Ahem. Hello. Oh, sorry. Hi. Um, this must be a bit of a shock to you. Well, it's not quite as bright and shiny as I'd expected, but I always assumed I'd be picked up by a spaceship.

Honestly, I'm a little underwhelmed. Oh. Uh, right. I knew we'd end up in space eventually, so the Earth, um, exploded in the end, eh? What? That's the whole reason I had them send me into space, rather than some kind of Earth-based deep freeze. I assumed that in the long run it would probably explode. Oh. Uh, no, not exactly. It just ran out of space.

Oh. Maybe I should have gone with the sarcophagus after all. I mean, it's not exactly Earth Earth now. It's a bit hard to explain. And you, what are you? Robot? Human? Some kind of Terminator guy? Let me see your hand.

Don't just grab at me. What's wrong with you? I'm a cyborg. It's just a robot hand. Surely it doesn't hurt or anything. It's not whether it'll hurt or not. It's my hand. He's just of his era.

I'm sure he'll leave you alone now he knows it's not okay to do that. With Smartwater's pure, crisp taste, there's nothing to overthink. So while you may be spiraling over double-texting your crush, whether your skincare routine is working because you look the same or is doing nothing because you look the same and whatever the heck red light therapy is. It's definitely not that. Don't overthink how you hydrate.

Life's full of choices. Smart water is a simple one. So who are you? Aha! The million pound question. I, dear rescuers, am Andy Spark. Mm-hmm.

The Andy Spark. Right. I can just imagine what's going on in your minds right now. Andy Spark! In my ship! You must be struck dumb with joy.

Actually... What? I have no idea who you are. You seem like the more cultured of the two of you in your own blue-collar way. Surely you've heard of me. Andy Spark. Poet extraordinaire.

Man of mystery. Man. Po poet man. God damn it. A whole universe of cultured beings and I wind up in the one spaceship that doesn't know who I am. Oh, hang on. Ooh, yeah, that's cryophilic. You might want to try and find a bucket and sit down. Oh, God.

So this is it. I spent so long frozen my body, can't handle life. Oh, cruel fate, I'm dying. It'll pass. When did you go into cryo, Andy? Um, 20... 19. Wait, seriously? They, 20... 19. Wait. Seriously?

They could do that back then? Of course. Why? How long have I been frozen for? Really, really long time. Andy, I'm... I'm afraid that everyone you know, everyone you love

is very much dead by now. Wonderful! What? All my rivals and my detractors will be long gone. I've outlived them all. Sorry, we just need to have a chips meeting. Give us a moment. Keep working on finding that bucket Who the hell is this guy? I don't know

Dark's got any records? Nothing online We could probably check the library The what? Oh, haven't you ever been to Automnicon's central library? Biggest repository of knowledge in the galaxy, what they did to the Earth, all the information

saved from the solar flares, because it was written down on paper, or card, or toilet doors. It doesn't ring a bell. Well, it's how they keep a tight hold on the knowledge of the universe, and they charge entry, naturally. Well, it's how they keep a tight hold on the knowledge of the universe. And they charge entry, naturally. Well, that sounds like Automnicon, but why should we go to that much trouble?

Did you see what he had with him? No. He had an e-reader. From before the solar flares. There might be books on there that we've never even heard of. If he was out of Earth's solar system by the time the flares hit. From my preliminary scan of the pod, it seems to be untouched

by solar damage. If there are intact lost books on there, even if there's just one, we could be rich. Well, we could be out of debt anyway. So, why don't you just ask for it? Well, I doubt he'd hand it over. Especially if he knows how valuable it is.

We'll trade for it. Hello? I don't feel any better. Give it a moment. Drink something. Maybe sit down? Tell us a bit about yourself. Ah, I thought you'd ever ask. Personally speaking, I'm regarded as one of the key artistic voices of the 21st century. Distillations, my most seminal work, may even be the most important work of that entire millennium. Do you want to tell him or shall I? Um, Andy, I'm afraid there was, um, have you heard of solar flares? What?

Uh, sometime after you started your journey, Earth was hit by a wave of massive solar flares. It wiped out pretty much everything that wasn't printed, and then a lot of the printed stuff got lost in the aftermath. Well, that's no trouble. I spend so much time working and reworking my pieces that I can repeat most of them by heart, and I'm certain that there'll be printed copies still surviving somewhere. Right. I mean, if we want to try and find a record of your work, we need to take a long journey. All the way back to the Earth, in fact.

A very expensive journey. Do you have anything that you could give us in exchange? Well, I do have a couple of pens, this scarf. How about that object? What, this? What is it? It's an e-reader. It contains books. Ah, yes, we have heard of those.

But how do they fit in such a small box? It's quite complicated, actually. There's lots of maths involved. Oh, wow. Would you give it to us in exchange for the journey? Uh, yes, yes, of course. Great. I guess we should set off for the library

So that's the Earth Birthplace of humanity Well, that's Autonomicon's central library The... Well, the Earth wasn't really usable anymore But look at it The whole planet is covered in steel Central Library. The... Well, the Earth wasn't really usable anymore. But look at it. The whole planet is covered in steel.

Well, they don't want any information getting out. Hmm. State identity and reason for visit. Hi, this is Kilner with the Yellow Submarine. I'm here to visit the Literature Department. Level. Basic access. I need to speak to a curator. Transfer your debt details to all for authorization.

We can't be here too long. They charge by the minute. Authorized. Begin descent. Hello. Hello, and welcome to the literature department. Hello? Hello, and welcome to the literature department. I am Samson, the literary curator. I heard that you wanted to speak to me. Uh, hi, yeah, uh, we... We have a poet. What?

From the Earth. The old Earth. He, uh... He was in a cryopod. We found him floating in space. We've checked his DNA out. He's legit pre-flare. Really? Andy Spark, 21st century literary powerhouse at your service. I see.

Let me, uh, see what I can find. Gosh, it really is thrilling to meet you. Well, I always love to meet a fan. Tell me, which of my poems is your favourite, or do you prefer my book? Oh, I, uh, I don't know who you are. It's just, well, it's unheard of for someone from your era to be walking around today. I am, well, I'm rather into my history. And the chance to speak to someone who used to...

Oh, tell me, did they really use plastic cups? Real ones? Uh... What? Oh, sorry. There'll be plenty of time for questions. What am I thinking? Let me see. Let me have a look on our system, see if I can't

find you. Oh, I've never seen so much paper. I see. find you. Oh, I've never seen so much paper. I see. I see. You've found me, I presume. There is certainly a reference to you. Fantastic.

I'm not sure you're going to like it. My good man. My name has survived for eons. Of course I'm going to like it. All right, then. Please follow me. Be very careful. Even the slightest wrong step will alert the library droids.

The library droids? Oh, my. You haven't had the induction. Please. Greetings, visitors, and welcome to The Library. The Library was founded in the late 21st century, when the newly formed hyperconglomeration, or Tomnicon, realised that the little quantities of information that the world had retained, following the sudden and destructive stroller flares that made so many changes to life as we know it, needed to be stored, needed to be saved, needed to be regulated.

And so the Department of Information was born. To maintain the Department of Information, as well as the central library droid network, we ask for a small, mandatory donation from each visitor. When you input your chosen information destination, the library droids will act as helpful guides, keen to show you the way and keep you on the right path. Do not leave your assigned library droid or seek other areas of the library without prior authorization. All of the items we keep here are valuable and must be protected from destruction, or even just from too much everyday wear and tear. Think to your path and enjoy the pursuit of knowledge. Right, that's not ominous at all.

Welcome to the 21st century. What a lot of junk. What are these? Automnicon preserved every piece of writing they could physically get their hands on. That means everything from gossip magazines to recipes to notes written on the back of toilet doors. Right. In fact, we do have a rather wonderful selection of toilet door poetry in the avant-garde section. Avant-garde.

Bunch of try-hards. Yes, indeed. So, where are we heading next? Well, it appears you are featured in the subcategory of famous literary figures. Oh, brilliant! Come on then, let's go. Great. Here they are. My peers.

The people I influenced. I suppose they studied me at school at some point. So many young minds influenced by my pure, unabiding genius. Uh-huh. Ah! There. Famous poets. Return to bar! Returnous poets. What? You, uh, we aren't going that way. What do you mean? Follow me, and please try to remain on the path.

We lose so many interns that way. Literary criticism. I suppose my work could be considered criticism of the medium and of the... No, no, no, wait, sorry, my surname's Spark, we've gone past the essence. Here we are. Taylor. Wilhelmina Taylor. I don't know the name. But there are shelves of it. Shelves and shelves. There are magazines and books and... Oh, she was incredibly proficient. One of the absolute best. And let's see, this is

one of her earliest works. Here. Her first collection from 2020. I... I... Go on then. Should I read it? I studied her work when I was training. If this is...

Yes, this is the one I thought it was. It's regarded as one of her most scathing yet elegant pieces. I... It really made her as a critic. The piece was studied by trainee literary critics and shared in collections of classical criticism for... well, the whole of her life, in fact. In fact, if you see the footnote there,

sparkism even became a common literary term. For someone who is so uninteresting and wholly derivative, they have to shoot themselves into space to gain any kind of attention. At least you were famous. I always knew I wouldn't be appreciated in my own time. Well, what are you going to do now? I... I have a plan.

What is it? Where are you going? Let him go. Don't let him go, the dreads. Andy! I'm okay. God, that was a close one.id! Andy! I'm okay. God, that was a close one. Here, Andy, come with me.

I'll take you back to my office. Actually, if you wanted to stay at the library for a while, I do have an awful lot to ask you about the time you come from. You do? There's nothing better than first-hand knowledge. There's so many things that I want to ask you. Okay, I'll tell you anything you like. But I need something from you in exchange.

Anything. I need you to supply me with another cryogenic freezing pod. What for? As my work was apparently destroyed before anyone had a chance to identify it's a true genius, I clearly just need to start this whole process again. So after you've finished asking your questions, I'll write all my work out again, ready for you to distribute. And then, what we need to do is wait.

Maybe a shorter period this time, just say a century or two. Right. Oh, uh... Ah, yes, my e-reader. Protect that with your life. There's some of the best writing of the 21st century on there. Goodbye, Kilner. Goodbye, Samantha.

Goodbye, Andy. And good luck. Um, um, we, uh, actually all have to walk the same way to get to the exit. The droids, you know. Oh, right. We'd better just go this way. All right. In that special crossover episode of We Fix Space Junk and the Amelia Project,

Samantha Trapp was played by Rebecca Evans, Kilner was played by Beth Crane, Dax was played by Jack Carmichael, Andy Spark was played by Tom Crowley, the library droid in The Guard was played by Hedley Knight, and the curator was played by Tom Crowley, the library droid in The Guard was played by Hurdley Knight, and the curator was played by Alan Bergen. This episode was written by Beth Crane and produced by Hurdley Knight for Battlebird Productions. This episode was recorded in front of a live audience

for London Podcast Festival. To hear more from We Fix Spacejack, visit us on battlebird.productions or find us on any podcatcher. I've unlocked it. Finally. What have we got? Vonnegut? Pratchett? What?

What the Bruce is the shores of futility? An Andy Spark novel. Oh, no. Even if you choose another life Remember We will still find you Otopicon We We'll find you We'll take the car We own you Congratulations

You've reached the Amelia Project Congratulations Congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-congrat-cong You've reached the Amelia Project. The Fable and Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish. The influence of Freemasonry is undeniable. But who are these mysterious apron-wearing craftsmen, and what are they up to? For centuries, hater-ass conspiracy theorists have attempted to answer these questions. Two flat-earthers kidnap a Freemason. Starring Zane Schacht as Randy Dunning.

Lauren Grace Thompson as Gail Kruger. And Matthew Woodcock as Walter Clay. I just want to go on the record right now and say that I,

Randy Dunning, am 100% anti-gravity. Like, subscribe, and share your way to the truth when two flat earthers kidnap a Freemason.