The Amelia Project - Episode 4 - Nathaniel McBride

Episode Date: January 17, 2018

"What do you want? Who are you?" Season 1, Episode 4. The Amelia Project is a secret agency that helps its clients by faking their deaths and setting them up with a brand new identity! In this episode we delve into a sprawling conspiracy that connects the death of Alan Rickman, the rise of UKIP, Matt Terry’s X Factor victory, Stephen Hawking’s latest warning about AI and learn the meaning of - sorry, you'll have to listen to find out!  With Alan Burgon, Robert Cudmore and Julia Morizawa. Written by Philip Thorne. Story editing by Oystein U. Brager. Directed by Alan Burgon. Music and sound design by Fredrik Baden. Produced by Imploding Fictions in association with Open House Theatre Vienna. Fellow podcast recommendation in this episode was for A Scottish Podcast. Thank you to Fife College for recording assistance. For full credits see our website. ameliapodcast.com Website: https://ameliapodcast.com  Transcripts: https://ameliapodcast.com/transcripts Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ameliapodcast Donations: https://ameliapodcast.com/support Twitter: https://twitter.com/amelia_podcast Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ameliapodcast/ Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/ameliapodcast The Amelia Project is part of the Fable & Folly Network. Find and support our sponsors at: fableandfolly.com/partners Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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after the beep. Music The Amelia Project by Philip Thorne and Oystein Braga with music and sound design by Frederick Barden Episode 4 Nathaniel McBride Client 236 hit by a golf ball Client 238 fell from a trapeze Client 240 didn't duck getting out of a helicopter. I know. Client 243 struck by lightning. Client 252 sucked out of an aeroplane. That was a tricky one.

I think that's all the deaths by misadventure for this month. Shall we move on to murders? by misadventure for this month. Shall we move on to murders? Hello? Ah, bad signal. So, murders. It's been a lean month for murders. Let's see, two stabbings by knife, one by corkscrew, one battering by fire extinguisher, one by spatula. Yes, spatula. Bless you. Holy crap on a cracker, who are you? What are you doing here? Alvina, I'm going to have to call you back. There's someone in my office. Who the hell are you? What do you want? Joey? Salvatore?

They're not going to help you. They won't gain consciousness for another half hour at least. Who are you? Nathaniel McBride, Senior Intelligence Officer, MI5. I suppose it had to happen one day. Almost surprised you didn't find us sooner. Activate Operation Jellybean. No need for that.

How did you... what just... I know all about your escape plan. I've been listening to your calls for months. So it's over. Relax. Relax? Did you just tell me to relax? Yes. Well, I'm sorry, but I think I'm going to find that very difficult.

I'm not here to arrest you. You're not. I'm here as a client. What? I'm here as a client. MI5 has a job for us. No. I'm acting independently.

So MI5 doesn't know you're here? And mustn't find out. I'm starting to like you. Would you like a cup of cocoa? No. Could I have a tissue though? You can use my hanky. Thanks. I'll pass. You know, you gave me quite a jump. You see, our clients usually leave a message to arrange an appointment. I couldn't risk that. Your answer phone isn't safe. Poppycock! Believe me, for a secret organisation, your security is shoddy. So why did you come here?

When it comes to making people disappear, you're the best in the business. That means a lot coming from an employee of our number one competitor. MI5's not like that. No? No, we're not a bloody CIA. You mean you don't hunt down super villains, fight evil henchmen, get laid every five minutes? Oh, I wish. It's an office job. Oh, how boring. Yeah, the special units see most of the action. I'm more of a paper pusher. Well, you had me fooled, the way you snuck in here, not to mention knocking out Joey and Salvatore. Joey and Salvatore? Is that what you call them? What do you mean? Cut the act. Angelo Russo, one of the most ruthless Cosa Nostra mobsters in US history. After a bloody feud with the DePascas, he fled to Mexico, Scandinavia and Britain, making enemies and dropping bodies everywhere he went. He was finally found washed up in Dover in November 2012.

His corpse was identified and sent back to the US. I don't know what you're talking about. The other one. Joey, was it? Yes. Joey. Joey. Mario Drago, son of Dario Drago, head of an international crime network spanning London, Rome and Madrid. Mario was involved in the Royal Mail heist of

2008. He was killed in a violent shootout in the Paris suburbs two years ago. So imagine my surprise when I found Angelo and Mario sipping espresso in the hall. Those two boys proved my point. Nobody makes people disappear like you. How can we help? First, we need to go dark.

Excuse me. Get me a mobile. It's time. I'm going to need the SIM card. What are you going to go dark. Excuse me? Get me a mobile. It's time. I'm going to need the SIM card. What are you going to... This. Right. Laptop.

No. Laptop. No! Was that really necessary? MI5 has eyes everywhere. You're lucky I'm here. I can set up a secure phone connection and help with email encryption, and in return you'll take on my case.

I'm going to have to get a notepad. No notes. You'll remember what I tell you. Believe me. Okay. Shoot. That was your cue. How much do you need to know? Every last detail. How much time do you have? For a good story? All the time in the world.

At Emilia, we collect stories. Oh, I can give you a story, all right. Oh, let me guess. You need to hide. MI5 is after you. Not yet. Damn. For the time being, I'm still a high-ranking officer with a promotion and a pipeline. But you're about to put your career at risk. Yes.

You know something. Yes. Two points for me. What do you know? You have to tell me. How good are you under torture? If they find out you know, they'll come after you. Do you really want to put yourself in

that position? I'll take the risk. You're absolutely sure? Okay, now you're just milking it. The payoff better be good. What connects the current uprising in Ethiopia, the death of Alan Rickman, the rise of UKIP, Matt Terry's X-Factor victory, and Stephen Hawking's latest warning about AI? Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick! I'll tell you everything I know. But first, I need to be sure that you can help me. I've gathered all the documents relating to this cover-up. I intend to make them public. You want to blow the whistle yourself? It would be irresponsible to entrust it to anyone else. I don't want to get more people killed than necessary. They'll kill you?

Probably, but that's not what I'm worried about. What are you worried about? My family. Once I've blown the whistle, they'll do everything in their power to discredit me. They'll create medical records proving mental illness, fabricate a history of sexual misconduct, install cat pornography on my computer. Cat pornography? Aye. Is that a thing? It's a thing.

Ew. I'm not sure if I feel more sorry for the cats or the porn stars. They'll drag my reputation into the gutter, humiliate my family, and even if I disprove everything, the damage will be done. In the public's mind, I will be a dangerous, psychopathic cat molester. Which is why I need to die before they can touch my reputation. I want a noble death. A death my family can be proud of. And then, after I've died, I can come back as someone else and release the documents. Once you release the documents,

MI5 is bound to trace it back to you. New identity or not, they may still kill you. I don't care. As long as my reputation stays intact. But they can commit character assassination even after you're dead. So what do you suggest? I mean, you're the expert.

We need a sensational death. We need to win over hearts and minds, make you immune to defamation. You have to become a national hero. Then, even if MI5 does trace the leak back to you, they won't dare tarnish your memory. And at Emilio, you can arrange that. Ha! At Emilio, we can arrange anything. Good. That's good. I like it.

So, how would you like to die? I don't know. Well, is there a particular cause close to your heart? Remember, you can use your death to make a statement. Yeah, uh, this will sound silly. Oh, good. I joined MI5 because I thought it'd be like, you know, James Bond. As a boy, I always wanted to jump from rooftop to rooftop chasing bad guys,

tearing through cities on a motorcycle, jumping off bridges and onto moving trains. Marvellous! Ending your career with your boyhood ambitions. What a beautiful bookend to your life. And we get to fulfil a second boyhood dream. Joey, you see, has always wanted to be a Bond villain. We get to kill two birds with one stone. I like it.

So, what do you suggest? Oh, what do you suggest? Oh, what do I suggest? Yes, we can tailor-make your death to your exact requirements. Alternatively, I can make some suggestions. Yeah, if you don't mind. All the more fun for me. We need a death that goes viral. At least 100,000 Facebook shares in the first hour. Hmm, let me think. Tick-tock, pick-a-lock, put a pickle in your sock. Aha! Here's what I propose. Throw yourself between an elderly Nigerian lady in a wheelchair and a white supremacist

baseball bat. Your brain's on the pavement, the lady's saved, it'll be all over the news, you're a hero, job done. Good. Great. Do you have any others? Tickety-tock, knockety-knock, fry a weasel in a wok. Aha! Jump in front of a lorry to save a three-legged kitten with your dying breath,

drag yourself by one arm across half of London to the nearest animal shelter, leaving a bloody trail behind you. Oh, I'm allergic to cats. Oh, I thought you found them stimulating. Huh? No? No. Very well. Tickety-tock, tock, chippity-chop, chop. I can't think of a rhyme.

Okay, how about you tackle a suicide bomber to the ground in a busy shopping centre and keep him pinned to the ground as everyone else runs to safety? Yeah. The blast of the explosion behind them as the shopping centre crumbles to the ground with just you and the bomber inside. I don't know. I want to keep it light. More James Bond. Right. Tick-tock, beam me up, Spock. Please beam me up. We have a demanding one on our hands. Last suggestion, and you'd better like

this. Joey steals a briefcase off a government clerk right outside Westminster. It's full of state secrets, or even better, stuffed full of cash dedicated to building a new orphanage. Isn't that unlikely? Shh! I'm working. You bolt after him, he pulls out a gun and opens fire. You leap onto a

road and bring a Jaguar to a screeching halt, inches before your outstretched hand. Can it be a Bugatti? Of course it can! You tear out the driver, get behind the wheel, clamp down on the accelerator and make a beeline for Joey. He legs it down a narrow pedestrian alley. You yank the wheel and follow. Car brushing the sides of the alley. Sparks flying! Joey hoists himself up a fire escape. You ditch the car and climb up after him. I'm afraid of heights. Don't be! You catch up with him on the rooftop,

have a fist fight, wrestle the briefcase off him, toss it to the gawping crowd below. People are craning their necks and making signs for you to turn around. But it's too late. Joey brings down his knife and stabs you.

That could work. That will work. I came up with it, and I'm the best. It's a plan. Thank goodness. You and Joey will have to get practicing as soon as he gains consciousness. So, it's time for me to uphold my part of the bargain. Indeed, it's time you told your tale. Well... Wait! I'm going to have to open a pack of Maltesers for this. Ready? Hit me. You're ready to have your mind blown. Yes. You might choke in a Malteser. Oh, this is so exciting.

Certain things will never be the same. My goodness. You'll become totally paranoid. You'll never again be able to use Google, listen to Nick Cave, or buy Slash Beetroot. Wow. In many ways, your life will become more difficult. But it's always worth knowing the truth. That's what I believe, anyway.

People have a right to know who controls the government and why we have such terrible weather in the UK. Um, that's something to do with the Gulf Stream, isn't it? Oh, ha ha ha. No. You're going to have to reconsider a lot of so-called truths. You're going to have to wipe your brain clean of everything it thinks it knows.

You're the first person outside a handful of people at the very top of the Secret Service to hear this. It goes without saying that this is strictly between you and me? Of course. Good. Here goes. In 1978, a man named Gregory Baines called then Prime Minister James Callaghan

to arrange a secret meeting at Westminster. On the same day, Charlie Chaplin's remains were stolen from Cossier-sur-Vivier in Switzerland. What's that? What do you mean? Over there. There's a bug. We're being overheard. What? Impossible! Nobody has access to this office except for my... Here it is.

Oh, no, no, no. You're not fooling me, you sons of... You see, that's why the second round of Algeria's general elections was cancelled in 1992. Belgium's national airline went bankrupt in 2001, Russia agreed to provide Iceland with a €4 billion loan in 2008, and why the longest ever solar eclipse took place in 2010. Of course. It also explains what happened to Malaysian Airlines Flight 370 and the election of Donald Trump. I know. It affects almost everything. It even explains why I've had this horrible cold for the past three years.

The ramifications are huge. You're absolutely right. The public has a right to know. It would be unjust to keep them in the dark. I propose a toast. Here. Don't mind if I do the dark. I propose a toast. Here. Don't mind if I do. Thanks. What shall we toast to?

Transparency. Transparency. Transparency. The Amelia Project is produced by Imploding Fictions in association with Open House Theatre Vienna. This episode featured Alan Bergen as the interviewer, Robert Cudmore as Nathaniel, and Julia Morizawa on the answer phone. It was written by Philip Thorne and Oistein Braga,

directed by Alan Bergen, and edited by Philip Thorne. Thank you. It also features Robert Cudmore, and which is utterly brilliant. For those of you who like world music, we would like to recommend World Beat UK, hosted by Glyn Phillips, who plays a character in an upcoming episode of The Amelia Project. You can listen to his show on mixcloud.com slash brumradio. And that's World Beat UK. Hi there, I'm Oystein. And I'm Philip, and together we write and produce this show. Thank you again for listening. If you enjoyed the show, we'd love to hear from you.

We would be super grateful if you could take a moment to rate our show and review our show on iTunes so that other people can find it. Whenever we hear from you and a review pops up on iTunes, it just really makes our day. By the way, do you like puzzles? If you support us with a per-episode donation via Patreon, you can get your hands on Nathaniel's top-secret case file, including a set of coded messages left by Nathaniel for the Amelia Project. Let's see if you can crack them. As always, more information on all this on ameliapodcast.com.

It's me again. You won't believe who just came into my office. No, better. Better. Even better. An officer from MI5. Oh yes, that's what I thought. But it turns out he has a job for us. You won't believe what he told me. I'm sending the tape over as we speak. Problem is he discovered the microphone just before it got spicy. Tore it right out of the wall. A stickler for confidentiality. I'll fill you in on the missing bit now. Have you got a pen and paper? Ready? It'll blow your mind. Oh crap, I just remembered. He said our line wasn't safe. Would you mind popping over to my office for a cup of cocoa? I'll give you a tiny teaser now, though. This explains how Zayn Malik

leaving One Direction is linked to the death of Lady Di. Yes. How did you know? Is linked to the death of Lady Di? Yes. How did you know? Okay. I'll see you in a few minutes.