The Amelia Project - Episode 47 - Mr Love, Actuary

Episode Date: December 24, 2021

Merry Christmas everyone! With Zach Valenti, Alan Burgon, Julia Morizawa, Julia C. Thorne and and Tarquin as Sheba the cat Written by Oystein Brager Edited by Philip Thorne  Music and sound design by Fredrik Baden and Adam Raymonda Graphic design by Anders Pedersen Production assistance by Maty Parzival For full credits see our website.  Congratulations. You’ve reached the content warning. The Amelia Project is about death, mishaps, mayhem and misfortune. And cocoa. If you’re not comfortable with this, stop listening. Now.  The Amelia Project is part of the Fable & Folly Network.  Website: ameliapodcast.com  Transcripts: ameliapodcast.com/transcripts  Twitter: @amelia_podcast  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Summer's here, and you can now get almost anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. What do we mean by almost? You can't get a well-groomed lawn delivered, but you can get chicken parmesan delivered. Sunshine? No. Some wine? Yes. Get almost, almost anything delivered with Uber Eats. Order now. Alcohol in select markets. See app for details.

Cold tapes. A gripping crime story that will chill you to the bone. You know, life on the base means, well, it's close to six months without light. That does things to people that study that he was doing to watch us and then set off us like mice around this special little experiment how many people are on this space 16 on this one someone amongst them is our killer experience cold tapes the murder mystery podcast game. Start your investigation where you get your podcasts. Merry Christmas! It's Pip here, introducing our Christmas special 2021.

In our previous two Christmas specials, we took on first the Santa Claus story in Klaus, and then we gave you our own version of the poem A Visit from Saint Nick in last year's The Christmas Thief. This year, we're giving you our own spin on the classic British Christmas comedy, Love Actually. Love it or loathe it, come Christmas time, there's no getting away from this film on british television so it inspired today's episode if you know the film you'll get some references if you don't don't worry you'll still be able to follow the episode just fine after this episode we'll be taking a short break and we hope to be back on your podcast feeds in late January. Making this show is a great adventure. It's also very hard work and very time consuming. So if you'd like to help us make more episodes in the new year, and if you want to treat yourself to the first four episodes of the bonus series,

The Alvina Archives, do consider becoming a patron of the show from just $5 per new episode. We really can't stress enough how much of a difference it makes for producing this show, and all of us here at Amelia would be so, so grateful. You can find out more about supporting the show on ameliapodcast.com, and we'd like to thank all of our patrons who have supported us in 2021. Without you, all of our patrons who've supported us in 2021. Without you, we wouldn't still be doing this. And now, without further ado, it's time for Mr Love Actuary. Congratulations. You have come to the Amelia Project. If you're not serious, please hang up. If you continue, there is no return.

Good choice. There is a new life awaiting you. You'll hear back from us. If you don't hear back, please consider this a hoax. Leave your message after the beep. Hi there! Just letting you know I'm going to be there in a sec. It's going gonna be great! The Amelia Project Created by Philip Thorne and Ostein Braga, with music and sound design by Frederick Barden and Adam Raimonda. Episode 47. Christmas Special. Mr. Love Actuary.

That's where you are. I've been looking all over for you. Why are you on the roof? Sheba and I are enjoying the view. Aw, you got yourself a cat? Oh, she's not my cat. No, no, no, you don't own a cat, Alvina. Cats are free spirits. Well, it's freezing up here!

Have some hot punch. Punch? It'll warm you up. Since when do you drink- Since the cocoa stopped tasting of anything. What you drink? Since the cocoa stopped tasting of anything. What do you mean the cocoa stopped tasting of anything? Doesn't Paris look beautiful in the snow? I was planning on a stroll once it gets dark to take in the lights. Oh, and apparently Galerie Lafayette have a Christmas tree that stretches all the way to the top of the dome.

Maybe we should walk over there together later. What do you think, Alvina? Sounds nice. What's wrong? It's not going to be the same this year, is it? Without Joey and Salvatore's fireworks? And Kozlovsky's turkey and cranberry tacos? Salvatore's homemade rocket put London on terrorist alert.

And you vowed never to let Kozlowski into the kitchen again after his mince pies mutated and started crawling all over the office. I know, I know. It's just... Do you miss London? No.

You were in London for a long time, though. And now I'm back in Paris. You know what I do miss? People. Joey, Salvatore, Walter, Kozlowski. My niece. I'll miss her birthday, you know. I was going to take her to the Alicia Cairn live show

It starts at midnight and you just watch her sleep and get up to pee I'm sure Lorraine misses you too Does it get any easier? What? Moving I've only escaped twice And the first time all I left behind was a rock and some seagulls. It doesn't.

Oh. Well, I spent the morning baking. And while my mince pies might not have Kozlovsky's novelty factor, at least they won't jump out of the tins and keep us awake at night by trashing the kitchen. Mince pies and carols tonight? Oh, and how about a Christmas movie? Do you think we can get Amelia to join us this time? Hmm. When it comes to Christmas, she out-grinches the Grinch.

What the heck? What is that? Is it a plane? Is it a bird? Is it an angel? No. It's... it's a man in a wingsuit. He's heading right here. Oh, that looks so fun. He's going to crash. Move, move, run, Sheba, save yourself. Hi there. Is this Amelia's house?

Are you... Mr. Love, actuary. Mr. Love, it is you. I didn't expect you to arrive like this, and not so soon. I made good time. I'm very jealous of your wingsuit, by the way. Oh, thank you. Yeah, I love that thing, I'll tell you. So, are you Alvina?

I certainly am. Pleasure. Welcome to the Amelia Project. You just walked onto the roof! From the air! Yes, I did. Hello. Hello! Who do I have the pleasure of meeting? I'm Amelia's interviewer. You can call me the interviewer.

What if I call you Mr. Charming? Call me the interviewer. What if I call you Mr. Charming? Well, I mean, that works. Are you a client? No. It's much more exciting than that. Haven't you told him about me?

I thought I'd had more time to prepare everyone. I thought you'd only be coming after the holidays. Let's go inside. You have to meet Amelia. Gentlemen first. Thank you. Did I just... sense something? Are you two...

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. You're not dating? I'm not so sure running an illicit organization and dating really go together. Really? I never found that. I'm not so sure running an illicit organization and dating really go together. Really? I never found that. Uh, okay. After you, Mr. Love.

Thank you. Putain de mer, je m'en fous qu'on soit le 23 décembre. J'ai besoin d'un putain de garagiste. Bonjour. Bonjour. I don't care if it's December 23rd. I need more time as a garage worker. Hello? Hello? You're coming to arrest me? Everything alright? I'm trying to get a mechanic to fix the moped so we don't have to rely on the goddamn metro, and they're saying they can only send someone after the holidays.

What does that mean? After New Year. Well, it is the 23rd of December, so... Unbelievable. Just because there's some bank holiday, everybody thinks they can just forget about work. That is sort of the point of a bank holiday, isn't it? And it's not just some bank holiday, it's... What do you want, Alvina?

I've got someone to see you. Not a good time. He's come a very long way. Don't care. But it's a surprise! I hate surprises. Oh, come on, Amelia. Okay.

But if this is a singing Santa like last year, I swear to God he'll leave with a fucking dart stuck in his forehead. So can I bring him in? Very well. She's ready to see you. Pleasure to meet you. Mr. Love, actuary Did you say Mr. Love?

Yes And you're a... An actuary Right To be honest, Mr. Love, I'm rather in the dark here You see, Alvina didn't tell me you were coming I was going to You didn't

So, Mr. Love, why don't you tell us what this meeting is about? I'm here because I love what you do. And I want to see you do that even more successfully. I don't get it. Let me draw a little comparison. Sure. In many ways, you operate like an insurance company. Not really.

An insurance company saves you when you're in trouble. They pay for a new computer if your old one gets stolen. They help you rebuild your house when the old one burns down. But that costs a lot of money. So, to make an insurance company a profitable venture, they need to make sure they don't take any unnecessary risks. You don't want to pay out more than you get in. Thanks for the mansplaining.

The Amelia Project also helps people who are in trouble. But that costs a lot of money, too. Sometimes more than you've anticipated. As I'm sure you've noticed from your current bottom line. Presumptuous. But accurate. It's an interesting theory. Oh, you're not in the red. We're doing fine. That's not the impression I get. Alvina? I might have Alvina? I might have explained our situation.

As an actuary, what I do is risk assessment. I would look at any potential client of yours and any disappearance plan you come up with and make a projection, analyzing if this particular venture is a financial gamble or a safe bet. We are perfectly capable of doing our own risk assessments, thank you very much. We don't take on any old clients. We have an interview process. I don't know if you've met our interviewer already, but... I have. I didn't catch his name, though.

He's Mr. Interviewer to you. Ooh, I love a bit of mystery. Now, as charming as Mr. Interviewer is, I do understand that he has a tendency of choosing clients based on whether he finds them interesting, rather than whether their case is profitable. Is that right? I'm not prepared to discuss our business model with you. Fair enough.

I completely understand. discuss our business model with you. Fair enough. I completely understand. Although, I do also understand that, to the constant frustration of Alvina here, Mr. Mysterious has a knack for rather extravagant disappearances.

We are a boutique service. Which means sometimes expenditure exceeds income. Which is unproblematic when things are going well, but when you're trying to rebuild your business from scratch... How much did you tell him? Not that much. You're down with a broken back and every choice counts. My job is to make sure you don't screw it up. At what cost?

A percentage. I don't like percentages. Why not? There are too many of them. Which is why they're so easy to divvy up. Why should I trust you? Why shouldn't you? We need to be very cautious about who we work with.

You know what we do. We operate within the realm of justifiability, but not necessarily legality. Oh, please. I'm an actuary. Which means? I work with numbers. Numbers have no morals. They don't lie to you. But they can surprise you. They can slip out of your hands as easily as a bar of soap,

and you're forced to bend over and pick it up, which is a risky business. Right. Most accidents happen at home. My job is to make numbers less slippery. My job is to make numbers less slippery. When I work for clients like Honesty Insurance Incorporated, or Price Firehouse Coopers, or Enron, or Giuliani, Giuliani, Madoff, and Giuliani, my job is not to make their hands less slippery. I only worry about the soap.

If you see what I mean. Yeah, I'm not sure I would brag about having worked for Enron. They fired me. And see how that went. Amelia, I don't see why you're not excited. I'm solving a problem here. Well, you sprung this on me like a yank in a box, didn't you? No offense.

None taken. I think I should be rewarded for showing initiative. Like when Arthur initiated Coco Van Fridays. This is a little bit different than Coco Van Fridays, don't you think? Who's Arthur? No one. So, who do you need to screw around here to get a Budweiser and a bag of chips? Well, how's it going? Splendidly.

I'm just getting to know your delightful colleagues. I've brought some cocoa. It's just arrived from Les Dumas Gaux. Would you like to try some, Mr. Love? You can call me Gareth. Here's your cup, Gareth. Thank you, Arthur. You're welcome. Wait a minute. How do you know my middle name? Read it in your eyes. Oh, it's heavenly. Won't you have a cup with me, Mr. Arthur? I have to watch my calories. This cocoa is nothing. You want to try Serendipity's hot chocolate ice cream with whipped cream swirl and chocolate shavings?

That does sound delicious. I just had a fab idea. What if Arthur came back to the U.S. with me? What? We can source some U.S. clients. I follow the cases, work closely with Arthur. It would help me understand your novel business model. What you think?

Ooh, uh, my offices are in Denver. You ever been? The Mile High City. You're gonna love it! Plus, I do a lot of traveling, so you'd get to see the whole country. Well, it's been years. You know, last time I traveled Route 66, it was in the back of a covered wagon. That's funny. You're funny, Arthur. Going to the U.S.,

is that really necessary? Well, it only makes sense, doesn't it? If Arthur and I strike up a good working relationship, I'm sure Amelia here would feel a lot better about this whole collaboration. Huh. But we have email and we can just use a safe phone line. That just wouldn't be the same. You can't see the Rocky Mountains from behind your laptop now, can you? You gotta go to the U.S. to taste that true American flavor. I've got a bus, you know?

A refashioned Greyhound? Looks just like the real deal on the outside. But on the inside, it's a full-blown office. High-tech computers, a media room, a jacuzzi. I drive all over the country in that beauty. Well, that sounds... Romantic. Yes.

And it's a notch up from a covered wagon. She sure is. You haven't seen the States until you've taken in the Grand Canyon from a jacuzzi. Ha! You know what I love about the States? Mount Rushmore? The Statue of Liberty? Our spunk!

We're a nation in our prime! Our history hasn't even started gathering dust. We are the energetic, handsome 20-something of countries. Britain? That's your old aunt, isn't it? China?

A great-grandmother stuck in time. France? Your weird uncle mumbling in the corner. But the U.S.? We're youthful, but grown. Strong, but not stale. Vital. Vigorous. And— Volatile? What's that? Vitriolic. Vindictive. And... Volatile. What's that? Vitriolic. Vindictive. Vainglorious. Virile. I was going to say virile.

Huh! I can agree with virile. The United States are like a dog humping the furniture. You're American, aren't you? By accent, not by heart. You're not a patriot? Sure. I'm a patriot to the place I belong. Which is where? Britain? No.

France? Certainly not. Then I'm at a loss. Tell me. The sky. That's very poetic. You know, when I'm wearing my wingsuit, I also feel a sense of freedom and belonging, which... Should we get back on topic? Right, of course.

So, Arthur, are you coming to the U.S. with me? I can text my bud right now and tell him to set up a desk for you. Corner office, 34th floor. View of the mile mile high city skyline well I must say it is rather tempting Alvina a word excuse us one moment

what have you done I I thought it would be such a good idea next time you invite some sleazeball to our office to give us lectures and steal our employees, do me a favor and warn me. He seemed really nice via email. I thought we'd really hit it off. Oh, you did? Well, he certainly hit it off with someone. What are we going to do? We can't let him go to Denver. Amelia, say something. I'm thinking I wish we had Joanne Salvatore right now.

Having ruthless and experienced killers just an intercom buzz away really had its advantages. I'll fix this. What? I'm going back in. No, no, no, no. You've done enough damage for today, Alvina. That's why I'm the one who has to sort this out. Alvina, what are you going to do? You're just going to make it worse. Alvina!

Alvina? Oh, you again. I trust your stay with us so far has been... satisfactory? Very satisfactory indeed. I think we'll all get what we came for, and I think we're building a very special relationship. I love that word, relationship. It covers all kinds of sins, doesn't it? What do you mean? I fear that this has become a bad relationship.

Sorry? become a bad relationship. Sorry? A relationship based on you, Mr. Love, taking what you want and casually ignoring all the things that really matter to Amelia. We may be a small organization, but we are a great one too. We are the organization that faked the death of the Loch Ness Monster, Zale Indigo Ravenheart. Tupac. We have great assets. Arthur's creativity. Amelia's determination. Kozlovsky's right arm.

Kozlovsky's left arm. Kozlovsky's middle arm come to that. Actually, he got rid of that one again. Well, for the time he had it, it was great. And I think a potential actuary who bullies us is no longer a potential actuary, actually. And since Americans only respond to strength, from now onward, I will be prepared to be much stronger. And Mr. Love, you should be prepared for that. Where are you going?

I've said my piece. Oh, that's where we're at. Anybody want some cocaine? It seems like your visit has come to an end, Mr. Love. You can show yourself out. Make sure you see the sights before you leave. The Eiffel Tower light show should be just about tacky enough for you to appreciate. What do you say to this, Arthur?

I thought we had something going here. I'll be sure to call if I'm ever in Denver. Well, then I guess it's goodbye. Here's my card. If you ever change your mind... Well, be sure to call. Now, out you go. Have a lovely rest of your day.

Well, that was an unexpected visit. Ugh, I think I'd have preferred a singing Santa after all. What? But that speech Alvina gave? That was quite something, wasn't it? I'm impressed. Um, are you joking? What? You do know she took that straight

out of Love Actually. Uh, what do you mean? Love Actually? Is that a film? Are you kidding me? Uh, no? Right, well, that settles it. We know what we're doing on Christmas Day. Um, okay. Oh, it's Alvina. Quick, hide behind my desk. What?

This'll be fun. I don't understand. Payback for bringing Mr. Love here. He's gone? Uh, yes. Thank God. I am so sorry, Amelia. I thought it was such a good idea to have less slippery soap. What difference does it make as long as we have slippery hands? Well, everything about us is slippery. That's why we're still alive. Maybe our slipperiness makes us drop the soap every now and then. Sure. But it also makes us slip out of any hands that try to grab us.

Maybe our logo shouldn't be a phoenix, but an eel. At least we got rid of him, though, right? And the mince pies are ready, so I was thinking we could all... Wait, wait, wait. What are you talking about? You, me, and Arthur What are you talking about? You, me and Arthur. A little Christmas celebration. I know it's not really your thing, but don't you think the occasion calls for it?

I mean, after all we've been through recently and starting up in a new city and... No, no, you don't understand. They're on their way to the airport. What? He took Arthur? Well, of course. I have to go. Ow!

Ah, damn coat stand! Come on, I need my coat! You won't catch up with them. It's not over until it's over. Where is he flying from? Probably Charles de Gaulle. I know a shortcut. Watch the cockpit.

Ouch! Ouch! Come on! You? Oh, Alvina. Did you attack the coat rack or did it attack you? Wait, you didn't go... Oh, of course not, Alvina.

Who do you take me for? But you don't have a corner office on the 34th floor? There's no Denver skyline? I can see the Paris skyline, can't I? From the snowy rooftop. Oh. Besides, I don't want to work with any other team than you. Huh.

I was just imagining running madly through the airport. Oh, you shouldn't have come out of your hiding place so soon. Narrowly escaping security guards. What if you got caught? I put on my coat in a way that if they grabbed me, they'd be left with just the coat in their hands. Just like Sam! Exactly. You could have got arrested and exposed the whole operation.

Well, drastic actions like that, it's the kind of thing you do, isn't it? For people you... Yes? Work with. Work with? Okay. Friends. No, no, no, no, no, no.

You said for people you... And that sentence doesn't end with the word friends. Alvina? Fine. For people you Love It's the kind of thing you do For people you love

And As dire chance and fateful Fate Would have it Here I am Stuck in Paris Oh yes And without being able to control it You've gone and spent the last nine years with...

Two workaholic employees. Oh, that's great. I'm your boss. And as much as it grieves you to say it, it might be that the people you love are in fact... You. What is this? Some weird kind of negging? Do you love us or are you stuck with us? Well, this is a surprise. Ten minutes with a sleazy American and you're

as... Two-faced as Mount Rushmore. Uh, that would be four-faced. Even worse. I am very confused. Oh, come Christmas Day, you'll understand everything. You guys are positively weird. Fancy a trip to Charles de Gaulle, Alvina. We could go to the Arrival Gate and... Arrival Gate? You haven't invited more surprised

guests, have you? No, it's just, if you get gloomy with the state of the world, it's a great place to go. You can watch fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends, meeting again. And realize that love really is all around. Like I said, you guys take weird to a new level. It's not weird, it's... Don't! It's better if she has the experience. I'll be in my office.

Alvina, why did you start quoting Hugh Grant's speech? You must have seen what was happening. What do you mean? You know he was coming on to you, right? The guy even looked like Billy Bob Thornton. Well, now that you say it, and I guess you do look

a little bit like Hugh Grant. I do not! You do. Hugh Grant? He's I do not! You do. Hugh Grant? He's a very attractive fellow. Yes, but... Hugh Grant? Me? Really?

If I didn't know you and I saw you sitting next to Hugh Grant in a cafe, I would think that you were twins. Not identical, but, you know, different sacks, that kind of thing. But definitely related. Er... Oh, come.

Now, he is a wonderfully, wonderfully good actor. You are so weird. How would that be a compliment? How would telling me that I look like Hugh Grant be a good thing? Terima kasih telah menonton Thank you. Stay tuned for the epilogue, but first, the credits. Mr Love Actuary was written by Einstein Ulzberg Braga with audio editing by Philip Thorne. Music and sound design by both Frederick Barden and special

guest sound designer and composer Adam Raymunda of Rogue Dialogue Productions. Rogue Dialogue makes some of our favourite audio dramas such as Forgive Me and Windfall, so it was a pleasure having Adam collaborate with us. This episode featured Zach Valenti as Mr. Love, Julia Morizawa as Amelia,

Alan Bergen as the interviewer, Julia C. Thorne as Alvina, and Tarkin as Sheeper the Cat. Graphic design by Anders Pedersen, and production assistance by Mati Patival, and sensitivity reading by Marius Leiknas-Snekevork. Thank you to all our patrons, and a special shout-out to our super patrons,

Sophia Anderson, Sophie Leviso, Jemphidic, Orban, Asant, Rushab Shukla, Amelie and Alison, Stephanie Weitenhiller, Chloe Lefferman, Elizabeth Curry, Mince and Such, Rafael Eduardo Vifas Verrastaki, and J.K. Robbins. To become part of our Patreon community

and ensure the continuation of the show, go to ameliapodcast.com and click on Support the Show. We'll be taking a short break, but we will be releasing another compilation of listener voicemails soon. So if you want to be featured on the show, there's still time to call us and leave us your disappearance request. Or you can also send your audio clip via email to implodingfictions at gmail.com. Simply tell us why you need to disappear and how you want to reappear.

And now, the epilogue. I'll just pause this for a second. More mince pies, anyone? I'm good. You want more punch, Alvina? Don't mind if I do. Oh, don't pour so slowly. The scene with the octopus costume is coming up.

Oh, the octopus costume. I love the expression on that boy's face. Okay, hold on, hold on, hold on. You said this was a romantic film. Yes. That was the only reason I agreed to watch it. But it is? It's a romantic comedy.

It is absolutely not. What are you talking about? This is a film about a grieving widower, a guy who almost cheats on his wife and de facto ruins their marriage, a woman who misses out on a chance of real love because she thinks she has to choose responsibility over self-care, an old rock and roll artist who realizes he's wasted his life, and a creep who stalks his best friend's wife. Well, I mean... Then add on to that the blatant misogyny. Like the storyline

with that idiot redhead who was angling for whatever STDs he can get in the U.S.? Well, what a charming portrayal of young American women that was. Or the way that Natalie character is constantly made fun of for her body type? Not to mention the maid, whom we are supposed to believe falls in love with a chauvinist writer who seems to have some bizarre fetish that makes him unable to finish his novel unless he has a woman cleaning his rented cottage every single day,

despite it being, what, 12 square feet? How do you even like this film? Well, I think it's romantic. I do too. Is there any chance that we can watch something else? No. We're almost at the part where Sam runs through the airport. Oh, you're going to love that bit.

It's so sweet. And Joanna is about to sing All I Want for Christmas Is You. That always fills me with holiday cheer. Should we sing along? Ooh, let's. Are you ready? I'm as ready as I'll ever be. I'll hit play then.

I'll hit play then. The Fable & Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish. Curious Matter Anthology, the multi-award winning hit fiction podcast, is back for a brand new season. Please proceed to a customs terminal for processing. This summer, take the journey to the red planet in The Exile. What'd you have to do to piss off a whole planet? I'm not really sure how to answer that. Tiffany Smith stars as ex-Earth federal agent Bryce Gordon. The Exile features an all-star cast.

Phil Lamar, Trace Lissette, Kevin Smith. It's not just the atmosphere that's changing. There's a storm on the horizon. Trisha Helfer, Malcolm Barrett, Todd Stashwick, Eugene Byrd. You're going to war to the sand right here. Tracy Toms, Colin Ferguson, Raymond Lee, and Jolly Bomani, Caitlin Bassett, and many more. Mars, humanity's great endeavor. Disperse immediately. This is an unwarranted assembly. But it had come to symbolize something else.

We should be out there helping these people, not putting them in mines. Reaching on three! Nothing. out there helping these people, not putting them in mines. Reaching on three. Nothing free. No air we don't steal, no food we don't take, no water that ain't recycled from our blood and piss. We are Mars, and Mars is war. Curious Matter Anthology, Season 3, The Exile. Available wherever you listen to podcasts June 18th

with early access and ad-free listening available exclusively on Apple Podcasts starting June 4th.