The Amelia Project - Episode 52 - Saga

Episode Date: March 25, 2022

“Come at night. Wear dark clothes. When you approach Abbots Cliff, row four hundred and forty two yards south-south-east.” You can find the Amelia Wiki mentioned in the episode here With Beth Eyre, Julia C. Thorne, Julia Morizawa and Alan Burgon Written by Oystein Brager  Sound design by Eli Hamada McIlveen Story editing by Philip Thorne Edited by Oystein Brager  Directed by Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager Sound recording by Dominic Hargreaves Music by Fredrik Baden Graphic design by Anders Pedersen Production assistance by Maty Parzival For full credits see our website.  The Amelia Project is an audio fiction series. We recommend starting at the beginning. Congratulations. You’ve reached the content warning. The Amelia Project is about death, mishaps, mayhem and misfortune. And cocoa. If you’re not comfortable with this, stop listening. Now.  The Amelia Project is part of the Fable & Folly Network.  Website: ameliapodcast.com  Transcripts: ameliapodcast.com/transcripts  Twitter: @amelia_podcast  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Summer's here, and you can now get almost anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. What do we mean by almost? You can't get a well-groomed lawn delivered, but you can get chicken parmesan delivered. Sunshine? No. Some wine? Yes. Get almost, almost anything delivered with Uber Eats. Order now. Alcohol in select markets. See app for details.

Cold tapes. A gripping crime story that will chill you to the bone. You know, life on the base means, well, it's close to six months without light. That does things to people that study that he was doing to watch us and then set off us like mice around this special little experiment how many people are on this space 16 on this one someone amongst them is our killer experience cold tapes the murder mystery podcast game. Start your investigation where you get your podcasts. Welcome to a new episode of The Amelia Project.

Some listeners of the show recently took it upon themselves to create an Amelia Project wiki. It's an incredible resource with pages for all the main characters and clients, and it's a place where you can delve deep into the Amelia Project world. So we'd like to dedicate this episode to everyone who's been involved in setting up this wiki. Ostein and I were genuinely blown away when we discovered it. And in case you're interested in checking it out or even contributing information for it, we'll add the link in the show notes to this episode. And now, on with the show.

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Come at night. Wear dark clothes. When you approach Abbott's Cliff, row for 142 yards south-southeast. Take a sharp left, and you'll see the tunnel. Row into the tunnel. You might want to blow it up behind you. Only do it quietly. I'll be waiting for you. The Amelia Project. Created by Philip Thorne and Ostein Braga

with music and sound direction by Frederick Barden. Designed by Eli Hamada-McElveen. Episode 52. Saga. Alvina, how would you like a challenge? Uh, depends. Her client just called and she's hiding in a tunnel. I'd like you to go there.

To pick her up? Sure, why not? No, you see, it's an out call. Right. Wait, are you suggesting that I... I'm suggesting that you do the interview. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Why not? Amelia, I've never done an interview before. You know the drill. You've worked here nearly a decade. I have absolutely no training in interviewing. You have no training in death faking either, but you've picked that up just fine. That's just paperwork. It's what I do. Interviewing is an art. There's a reason we've got him for that. You'll be fine. Why don't you do it? I'm busy. Doing what? If you must know, I'm meeting with a member

of the Gendarmerie. The police? Why? Diversion tactics. She's conveniently placed in the organization. She can help shift any attention that comes our way in another direction. I've been priming her for a few weeks and she's coming along, but she's a bit of a tough cookie. So I have to take her out. Oh, Amelia, that's ruthless. What? What? No, not take her out, take her out.

Like, take her out. Out. Like, you know, dinner. Oh. Oh, thank goodness. Wait, what? Who do you think I am? Hey, no, no, know, dinner. Oh. Oh, thank goodness. Wait, what? Who do you think I am? Hey, no, no, no, wait.

So whilst you're whining and dining a hot police lady... That is not what I'm doing. You're sending me on a mission that is bound to fail. It is just an interview. You can't fail. But... I just... don't... like...

Ugh! Yes? People! Listen, I get that you're nervous, but you'll be fine. Why can't he go? It's his job. Have you seen him today? No. Come here. Is that really so? That is so interesting. Oh, please tell me more.

Who's in there? Just listen. But Mr. Gollyhead, really? Now I can't believe that's true. I really can't. I really, really can't. I really, really, really, really, really, really, really can't. Really? Wow! Who is this Mr Gollyhead? A client? Shh. No. That's not true. I did no such thing. I'll kill you. Oh my god. He's going to kill the guy! We've got to stop him right now! Just wait.

Oh God! I knew your head! It came clean off! I'm so sorry, Mr. Gollyhead! I'm so sorry! Amelia! Amelia, he killed the guy! He killed him! Mr. Gollyhead is a teddy bear. The blood on my hands. A teddy bear? Mm-hmm. He just killed his teddy bear. Again. Third time this week. Should I drop you off at Garduno?

Of course So Where is this tunnel? England What? Relax I can't go back to Britain You'll barely be touching British soil

But you said The client is hiding in a cave in the White Cliffs of Dover You'll be taken there by Gustav. You'll meet him in Calais. Gustav? He used to run a drug cartel, but he wasn't very good at it. In the end, he was tired of doing time, so we set him up as a fisherman. He'll take you across the channel in his fishing cutter.

Great. Back into hostile territory with a convicted criminal. Gustav will have to stay well clear of the coast, of course. As soon as the White Cliffs come into view, he'll give you a dinghy and you'll row the last stretch to the cave alone. Are you joking, Amelia? What? I thought you'd enjoy this. Cliffs, seagulls, it'll remind you of home.

Huh. Somehow, I really, really doubt that. Oh. Oh! Right Right. Okay. There we go. God damn. The flashlight won't work. Shit. God damn! The flashlight won't work! Shit! Alright then, let's go old school.

Ah! My sleeve! My sleeve! My sleeve! Oh no! My best blazer. Glad no one could see that. I'll try to light the torch this time. That's better. Wow! Look at that! Hello! Amazing! Ah! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh, you're right. Oh. Oh. It's just bats. It's just bats. Do you like my friends? Jeez.

Where did you come from? Hi. I'm Saga. How do you like my cave? Very fascinating. The stalagmites, their shapes... Yes. Yes. That one looks like a bomb from the Second World War. I guess if you squint a bit...

I like bombs. Right. So, Saga, good to meet you. Welcome to the Amelia Project. We don't normally do outcalls, but I'm very fine. Absolutely okay to be here in your charming bat cave. You're a fan of Batman, are you? Batman.

The Dark Knight. Gotham City. The Joker. You're not familiar with... I don't know anything. Well, you knew about this place. Not really. I just happened to stumble upon it whilst wandering around. I do that a lot these days.

Wonder. Stumble. My legs don't know what they're doing yet. I fell through that hole in the ceiling over there. That must have hurt. Yep. So you can't get out? Oh no, I can. There's a hole at the end there that takes me right back up to the surface. I come out behind the toilets on Sanfair Hall Beach.

I see. So, Saga, why have you called us here? It said on the answer phone message, to ensure maximum secrecy. I reckon this place would fit the bill. Sure. Underground. No humans for miles. Of course. What I'm wondering is why you called us here. Not why here, but what is your story? Please, tell me your story. There's always time for a story.

Why do you need our help? I'll tell you my saga. Great. I can't wait to hear your saga. Saga. It's a story of great distress, heartbreak, and anguish. Wonderful. It has all the makings of a great fairy tale,

but it is even more important because it is true. Let's just get cracking then, shall we? Of course. That's what I'm doing. Good. Let's start at the beginning. Once upon a time, there was a big bag. Oh, Lord. Is something wrong?

I just wasn't expecting... Oh, I forgot something. Something very important. What's that? Coco. Coco? It's protocol. Would you like some? Oh, yes, I'm...

No, no, I definitely don't want cocoa. Saga doesn't like cocoa. Suit yourself. Ah. That helps calm the nerves Should I, I mean, should I just keep going? Probably best, you seem to have a lot to get through The big bang was my head hitting the ground

Oh, thank God I was getting ready for a very long night I fell, dramatically, or so I have been told Down a mountain? Or from a tall building? I was getting ready for a very long night. I fell. Dramatically, or so I have been told. Down a mountain? Or from a tall building? Or from a plane? Down the front stairs.

Oh. Long stairs? The front steps. About three feet. And you hit your head? Affirmative. Very hard on the ground Eggs everywhere I bought eggs apparently

But I can't remember any of it And all the king's horses and all the king's men No, just the ambulance That was a reference to Humpty Dumpty First thing I remember is waking up in a hospital I had been in a coma for a very, very long time. Many years had passed. About four weeks.

Ah. But my memory had completely disappeared. So, you woke up with complete memory loss? It gets better. What? I knew not who I was, nor where I was, or wherever I was there. I felt like dragons had been gnawing on my soul. Why do you speak like that?

Like what? Like... Never mind. I was all alone. All I had for company was an old DVD of The Bridge on the River Kwai and a paperback copy of Eating in the Light of the Moon, How Women Can Transform Their Relationship with Food Through Myths, Metaphor, and Storytelling by Dr. Anita Johnston.

And that would explain it. But then, one day, in through the door came a man. A doctor? No. The doctors were there every day. A stranger. Okay. I'm listening. Someone I'd never seen before. A messenger?

A secret agent? An assassin! He sat on my bed, cried and laughed and said, You are back, Belinda. You are back. I am your husband. But he wasn't, since your name is Saga, right? No, no, he was. My name's Belinda. I thought your name was Saga. And then, in through the door.

Yes. In through the door. Yes. In through the door Yes? In through the door Yes? Oh, for Christ's sake, who comes through the door? My children Hallelujah

Their sweet faces light up your day And you feel your memory seeping back The pain of giving birth stares as a physical memory through your body The smell of those little kids reawaken your maternal instincts They were a bunch of horrible shits Of course were. A pair of insufferable brats, two disgusting snot-faced mummy-this-mummy-that-soul-sucking-diaper-fillers, spoiled beyond repair. And as they crawled all over my hospital bed with those crayon-stained fingers tearing at each other's hair, fighting over a lollipop and almost poking my eye out with it,

I realise that the person who created those selfish little leeches was me. I think it's normal for parents to dream of escaping their children, especially when they're at the age where they... Do all parents dream of their kids skewing themselves on the fire grate and bleeding out all over the cinders? That's just a daydream. It's nothing to... I spent yesterday sharpening the fire grate, just in case. A momentary lapse in...

Then I scraped all the anti-slip off their socks. Perhaps mothering isn't your strongest suit. My mum likes them, though. So they take me home from the hospital and back to my home. And did that jog any memories? The house had pink wallpaper and doilies. I'm guessing you couldn't stand it. Correct, mum.

And now you want out. Yes. I think it would be best for all concerned. I still don't understand why you need Amelia, though. Can't you just leave? Divorce your husband? Abandon your children? Pull a Nora and escape the doll's house?

I tried that last week. When the police found me, I got all the way to Bladbeen. They brought me home, reported me to the OPG. The Office of the Public Guardian? And gave me this. An ankle bracelet. It's got a GPS tracking device. Just that I won't get lost again. It's a new safety measure for amnesia sufferers. If I'm not home by six o'clock, they'll come looking for me. I pretend I've been in the park right above us, but I'm always hiding down here. The cave suits me better.

And your husband has probably been made your deputy, has he? He's got lasting power of attorney. He's got the demeanour of a braggadocio's crybaby, that's what he's got. I guess death is the only way out for you then. Fake death. Indeed. Then I'll come back and I can be Saga for real. And who is she?

Someone who lives. I've never lived before. Well, you have. You just can't remember it. No. Belinda didn't live. Belinda liked fluffy toilet seat covers, scented candles and pillow talk. I'm different. I need to feel that I'm living. I'm Saga. Are you sure you're not a Batman fan?

I don't know this Batman you are talking about, but if he likes bats, we get on just fine. Belinda liked Chewinis. Well, Saga, I understand your predicament. But there's one problem. What's that? Amelia is not a charity. You don't think I can pay?

I don't mean to be rude, but Belinda doesn't strike me as the kind... I am Saga! But does Saga have money? I have the insurance. Plus what I got from suing the company that fixed our stairs. It was a loose slate. And all that adds up to... Let me write this down with my foot.

That? That... That's the sum? Yes. In pounds? Sorry, I forgot a zero. Well, Saga, the Amelia Project is happy to take on your case. Really? That is wonderful. To be honest, I feel it's our duty. If only to avoid a Medea-adjacent situation.

Sorry? So, what kind of life does Saga envision for herself? What would you like to be? An army general. No, a soldier. SWAT team. I want to see action. Royal Marines. French Foreign Legion. Uh, the thing is, Saga, we really don't like placing our clients in the line of fire. We try to help people escape danger. Survive. We do fake deaths, not real ones. Can I be an assassin?

Nope. Sorry, we have a no collateral policy. Then what do you suggest? Um, I think we have an opening as a wildlife photographer. Are you joking? That's not dangerous. If you photograph the rotten cavities of a tiger, it is. I want to be in a war zone. Okay, okay. How about we meet in the middle?

We might be able to find you a new life as a foreign correspondent. You'll be covering disaster areas. Volcanoes, tsunamis, nuclear plant explosions. War zones. And war zones. Could that be a deal? I'm in. Any dying wishes? I have in. Any dying wishes?

I have one. But it's sort of embarrassing. Trust me. Nothing can shock me. Nothing much. A few things, maybe. The bats scared me a bit, but... Can I have a mum? What?

In my new life, can I have a mum? Oh, no. When I said dying wishes, I meant how would you like to die? I was trying to be funny You want to keep your mother? Not my mum, a mum Ah, because you realise you can't keep anything from your current life My current mum gave me the name Belinda and taught me how to crochet, so screw her. But you want a mother.

Yes. Is that silly? No, no. We've had much weirder wishes than that. She needs to be like Mother Earth. When I go see explosions and limbs strewn about the place, she will be my umbilical cord, mooring me to the circle of life as a symbol of the interconnectedness of existence. If there is one thing we can learn from your experience, it is that a person should not construct their identity solely from war movies and self-help books. Sorry? There's this woman

whom we resurfaced as an eighth order priest with the Reformed Druids of North America. I'll have a chat with her and see if she'd be willing to be your... let's call it your spiritual mother. You can drop by when you need a cleanse from bloodshed and death. She lives in Utah. Is she as wise as time has old? Well, she was only 19 when we made her disappear, but after Kozlovsky was done with her, she now looks 90.

Great. So, how would you like to die? Gunfight. That doesn't seem a likely way for Belinda to die. No, of course not. I see. Blow me up. Still not... Gas explosion.

Better. But may I make a suggestion? Okay. How about you fall down the stairs again? The same stairs. It'll be like a last glorious, ironic screw you to Belinda and her tepid, insipid, pastel-coloured past. Hmm, sounds silly.

Well, the best deaths often are. Hmm. still coloured past. Sounds silly. Well, the best deaths often are. Now, we might have to amputate the leg to remove the bracelet, but I'm sure Kozlowski can reattach it once we find him again. Unless we can just blow it off with some gunpowder. I wish Salvatore was still around.

He had a real way with explosives. Explosives, nice. I did all right, didn't I? Ha! I reckon this calls for a toast. There's a bottle of Verve Clicquot in the boat. Look who can do an interview. I'll be in touch. Ah, there it is.

Hello? Hello? Saga? Saga? Saga? Where did you go? Huh. Saga? Where did you go? Well, never mind. I think I still deserve a glass of this. That was weird.

So, Saga! A toast in your honour. But to what? I know. To living on the wild side. What is... Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh no! Oh no no no! Oh shit! No, no, no, shit!

You can't fail this, Alvina. There's no way of failing an interview. What the hell is this, then? Ah! Row, row, row your boat Gently down the stream Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily Life is but a dream Row, row, row your boat Gently down the stream

If you see a crocodile Don't forget to scream Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaavavavavavavavavavavavavavavavavavavavavavavavavavavavavavavavavavavavavavavavavavavavava Stay tuned for the epilogue, but first the credits. This episode was written and edited by Ostein Allspoke Braga, directed by Ostein and Philip Thorne, designed by Eli Hamada-McElveen with engineering by Dominic Hargreaves and music by Frederick Barden. It featured Beth Eyre as Saga, Julia C. Thorne as Alvina, Alan Bergen as The Interviewer,

and Julia Morizawa as Amelia. Graphic design by Anders Pedersen and production assistance by Marty Partival. Thank you to our patrons who fund the making of this show and a shout out to our super patrons Angel Acevedo, Sophia Anderson, Jem Fiddick, Alban Assant, Amelie and Alison, Stephanie Weitenhiller, Mintz and such, Rafael Eduardo Vifas Verastaki and JK Robbins.

For transcripts, merch, bonus material and ways to support the show, visit ameliapodcast.com. Patrons will be getting a bonus episode of the Alvina Archives next week, and the next regular episode drops in two weeks. And now, the epilogue. Crystal? Hi, it's Alvina. How are you? Is life good over there in Utah? Listen, I have a favor to ask. There's this lady, Saga, who... Yes, who wants a new mother. How did you know? An owl told you? Wait, you are talking about the nocturnal animal, right?

Big wings, big eyes, to wit to who? Right. So, was the owl bringing a letter then, like a pigeon, or... The owl spoke to you? Well, that's... incredible. It isn't incredible. It's normal. Okay.

Yes, I see. I think. Sorry? Yes, this one will be coming your way. Would you be able to... Oh, that's great. You've already made up a bed for her. That is so sweet of you.

So what do you want in return? That I feed my local owls. Well, I'll get some... mice. Just a pleasure, Crystal. I'm really grateful. And do say thank you to that owl. I guess the owls really aren't what they seem.

Thank you, Crystal. Bye now. The Fable and Falling Network, where fiction producers flourish. Maybe you won't love us, but we'll love you. Let me give you a taste of the show in 42 seconds. Let's go. You must have a flask. He's got a satchel. That's the most disappointed way I've ever heard anyone say the word satchel. How much is a donkey cost? Russ, how much is a donkey cost? The question everyone wants to know. For one hour.

It's concentration, so if you do another concentration spell. It's abjuration, you doink. It's concentration. I mean, that sounds like exactly the sort of person you should probably tell your friends about. The kind that are there and say, like, weird, mysterious things and then just disappear? Yeah, that's why I'm telling you. Oh, okay. Also, he had three eyes.

Oh! We're having this rager. I mean, Lich Astley in the Magic Magic Missiles is going to be playing later tonight. Is he ever going to give you up? Never going to give you up. Never going to let you down. Orcus is going to rule all and he won't desert you. What else do I need to tell you? We're Dungeons and Dragons. You can find us anywhere you listen to podcasts or at dumbdragons.com.

We can't wait to adventure with you.