The Amelia Project - Episode 58 - Amelia (1999)

Episode Date: September 23, 2022

"Martha Plum, may you rest in peace." Featuring Julia Morizawa, Alan Burgon, Hemi Yeroham, Erin King, Jordan Cobb and Julia C. Thorne. Written by Oystein Ulsberg Brager with story editing by Philip Thorne. Sound design by Adam Raymonda. For full credits and transcript, check our website. Website: https://ameliapodcast.com Transcripts: https://ameliapodcast.com/transcripts Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ameliapodcast Donations: https://ameliapodcast.com/support Twitter: https://twitter.com/amelia_podcast Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ameliapodcast/ Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/ameliapodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Paying in advance protects your loved ones and gives you the peace of mind you deserve. Let us help you plan every detail with professionalism and compassion. We are your local Dignity Memorial provider. Find us at dignitymemorial.ca. This episode is dedicated to Sigrid, whose demise via backfiring harpoon will be followed by a new life in Svendborg as a successful ice sculpture designer. Thanks for your Patreon support, Sigrid. If I sit on this almost flat rock and lean against this almost smooth branch,

sitting in this bog is almost comfortable. Right. We're here. The fire's going. We've got blankets. We've found some relatively dry spots. It's time you started. Yeah.

Can we start with how Amelia's organized? I want to know who your boss is. I promised to tell you about our origins. Well, yes. So... That is not the story about who our boss is today. Fine. So you're telling us two stories, then. Start with the boss, then work your way backwards. Are you sure?

Uh, yes. Working my way backwards will take some time. We've got all night. We might need a thousand and one nights. Granddad read that to me. What? The book of a thousand and one nights. Oh, yeah.

Didn't that woman always refuse to tell the ending until the next evening? Dragging it out for one thousand and one nights? Shehrazad. Her name was Shehrazad. She did. You are not going to do that. We'll go to him warning if we have to. Yep.

Very well. So, who's upstairs? On the tapes, the Coco guy and the stress secretary keep referring to upstairs. They never mention a name. Upstairs is Amelia. The one the company is named after? No. Who then?

Her granddaughter. Go on. The story of the younger Amelia really begins on the day her grandmother was put in the ground. The Amelia Project, created by Philip Thorne and Øystein Ulsbeck-Braga, with sound direction by Frederik Baden and sound design by Adam Raimonda. Episode 58. Amelia. 1999. Ah, there you are.

I brought you some vol-au-vents. Thank you. I am not hungry. No. Don't mind if I do. I brought you some vol-au-vents. Thank you. I am not hungry. No. Don't mind if I do. Beautiful service. Really well done. The aerial display was a nice touch.

Of course. Only the best for Martha Plum. Martha Plum, may you rest in peace. Martha Plum, may you rest in peace. Are the guests still downstairs? Oh, yes. People love a good wake. You get to pretend to be sympathetic whilst eating free food. Ah, I'm sure some of our guests really cared

for Martha. Well, I know one who did. Ah. Her granddaughter. Yes. Her. Is she still around? She is. She's doing the rounds. Nodding politely as business associates

of Miss Plum's Pl plumbing offer shallow condolences. I doubt she's even met any of them before. How is she holding up? Quite well, actually. Yes, I mean, I certainly did not have social skills like that when I was 19. Poor schools will do that for you. Well, if anyone can rival the English when it comes to formality, it's the Japanese. I'm curious.

About what? Well, if she's more like her mother... Arthur! Yes, all right. We do not talk about her. Or if she's more like her grandmother. We will soon find out. Indeed.

Shall we bring her up? Oh, no, no. Let's give it another minute, shall we? Are you nervous? What? Nervous? No, of course not. She's a child. What is there to be nervous about? You? Me? No. No.

Certainly not. No, of course not. No. No. No. Certainly not. No, of course not. Don't you find it strange we never got to know her?

Martha wanted her at a safe distance. Yes, all right, but I mean sending her all the way to Japan? She had to be allowed to explore that part of her heritage. I suppose. Oh, do you know if they've taught her kendo? I've always wanted to learn kendo. I know Martha insisted on piloting as her elective. You mean she flew here herself?

No. I'm told she failed her piloting exam. Oh dear. Martha was very concerned her granddaughter should learn to fly and she was very specific about the circumstances. Oh, yes. Such as? Well, she must learn to fly all types of plane.

Typical. She must have a female flying instructor. Martha really wanted her to succeed. I swear, it's a good thing she never found out her granddaughter failed then, isn't it? Indeed. It might have killed her. Bad taste, old boy, bad taste. Do you know if young Amelia has read the letter? I gave it to her, right before the wake. Good, yes. Right.

And the second letter? I got that right here. Wonderful. What do you think it says? Your guess is as good as mine. I mean, it's probably her will, right? I mean, she's left a lecture to her or something. No.

If she only left her a plane, why insist we open it together? She could have written that in the first letter. I suppose. Should we bring her up, then? Yes, all right, yes. I'll go and get her. Amelia! then? Yes, all right, yes. I'll go and get her. Amelia! So this is where you're hiding. How did you... I was just about to come and get you. We are so sorry for your loss. Yes. Would you like

some cocoa? I'm good. There was plenty of food and drink downstairs. You won't be disappointed. I mean, this cocoa is... I'll get us some cups. It's soothing, the circumstances. I'm good. Right. Yes, all right. Very well. You found us. Not that hard. There is no door. No. A bookshelf, which is also a secret door. Kind of obvious.

But how did you know which book to pull? Well, the title was a dead giveaway. Last Flight by Amelia Earhart. Nice little double meaning, considering what you do. Which is? Well, you don't put the plum in plumbing, that's for sure. Oi, I came up with that one. It's a very catchy slogan.

Sure. But you're not running a plumbing empire out of an 18th century manor house, now are you? Only the best bloody plumbing company this side of the River Trent. We have customers all the way from Scampton to Hibbledstow. Really? You in that three-piece suit and big friendly giant over there in a redwood-sized tuxedo? You supposed to be the Mario Brothers? We have just attended a funeral. Today we are wearing formal

attire. You're not plumbers. Um, the slim modern legpipe I'll have you know is a miniature Roman aqueduct. Our plumbing services provide the life-bringing properties of clean water to all of the people- You kill people. We do no such thing.

Correction. You pretend to kill people. And the fact that pretending can be a profession boggles my mind. Young Amelia, $235 million. What? Are you going to claim that's your annual turnover? Of course not. It is what American Pie made when it opened in theaters this summer. I think you will find that pretending is good business indeed. You know what I mean. You're not exactly in the entertainment industry. Oh, so you've got it all figured out, have you?

I think so. Grandma's letter gave me the last pieces of the puzzle. I think so. Grandma's letter gave me the last pieces of the puzzle. Faking deaths. Fuck me, that's sick. Actually, we see it as an honorable profession. Martha dedicated most of her life to it and- Oh, cut the Martha bullshit, please! Um, what do you mean? I know that wasn't her name. She told you in the letter.

Ugh, I kind of knew already. How? Where to start? Uh, how about with my name? What about it? Grandma told me she named me after Amelia Earhart, her friend, a woman she apparently had met once in the early 30s. Yes? You're not friends if you've met once. Well, as an amateur aviator, your grandmother felt a special kinship with Amelia Earhart. I mean, look, here's a picture of the two of them. The friendship really shines through, don't you think? Oh yeah, the picture of Amelia Earhart

and Grandma. I've had it hanging over my bed since I was a kid. Oh, well, you see, there you go. You know what always puzzled me? Why Amelia Earhart looked more like Grandma than the lady she's standing next to. I had kind of settled with the explanation that age will change your looks, standing next to. I had kind of settled with the explanation that age will change your looks, but at the back of my mind, then add the fact that whenever Grandma came to visit, she would fly to Japan. Fly solo, even. Like I said, Amelia Earhart was such an inspiration to Martha. She took her flying very seriously, and if there was one person- Please, cut the bullshit. My grandma was Amelia Earhart. I know. Good. You know who you are.

Huh. No. But you just said... I now know who my grandma was. Who I am? No clue. You are only 19. In time, you will figure it out. How about a loser who fails her piloting exam? What's up with that? What happened with your exam? I don't want to talk about it. Right, well, in that case, should we move on to why we're here?

And what's that? All I know is that Grandma's letter said to find the two of you after her funeral. The letter you got, it was only the first of two. I have the second one here. Okay. What does it say? We don't know. Right. I'm getting very tired of your mystery crap.

No mystery, it's true. This letter is for the three of us. And Martha, Amelia, your grandmother told us we had to open it together. Let's open it then. Kozlovsky, will you do the honors? No. Come on, read it out. Yes, what does it say?

Dear Arthur, dear Kozlowski, or dear Abbott and Costello. I hate those names. And my dearest, dearest, dearest Amelia. I suppose by now you have figured everything out. You are my granddaughter, after all. Though if you haven't, I must admit I'm a bit disappointed. I've always known you to be two steps ahead. No worries, Grandma. I'm ahead of the curve.

This letter is my last will and testament. Though there's only really one thing I'm concerned with. One thing I need to ensure the safety of and make sure I leave to the right person. I knew it. I told you it was the airplane. I'm getting her plane? Not the new one, no, but Electra. The one she flew around the world in? What am I going to do with that? I can't even fly. I just failed my exam. If you are making guesses at this point, then no, I'm not talking about my planes. Oh. Oh.

Or even the Plum Manor house. Although I did love the grounds with the rose garden and the two landing strips. No, my concern is the running of the business. What? What? As you already know, my dear Abbott and Costello, the two of you are by no means capable

of running this business by yourself. What's this Abbott and Costello thing? Nothing, nothing. They're just nicknames. It's not important. Need I mention the Roaring Twenties? No, she need not mention the Roaring... Look, just skip that part, would you? Forget about it. It didn't happen. Tell me aboutaring Twenties. No, she need not mention the Roaring... Look, just skip that part, would you?

Forget about it. It didn't happen. Tell me about the Twenties. No. We would, if we remembered. Wait, did you say the Twenties? Should I keep reading? I think that would be a very good idea. Nah.

I have dedicated the latter part of my life to this project, and I am as proud of that as I am of any of my more famous achievements from my previous life. Therefore, I have decided the Amelia project needs to be left in capable hands. The company has to be brought into the 21st century, like I brought it into the 20th. We need someone with vision and control. Someone who can pull back the yoke and take off. And we need someone who can handle the two of you. Oh, yes, well, good luck finding that person.

I nominate my granddaughter Amelia. What? What? On the one condition that the two of you find her worthy. If so, she will take over after me. No. Well, that's a crap idea. It is.

Martha wants this? Toddler to be our superior? Don't worry. I am not taking over your frankly bizarre business. Oh, good. It is not so bizarre if you think about it. Leaving an international crime syndicate in the hands of a child is the definition of bizarre. If you look up bizarre in the dictionary, you're going to find a picture of my 102-year-old grandma grinning two thumbs up.

We are not a crime syndicate, Amelia. Stop splitting hairs. This is what your grandmother wanted. Yeah, yeah, sure, if you find me worthy. Why would we not? Why would we? Yeah, why would you? Your grandmother did.

Well, she must have lost her marbles then. Your grandmother was sharp as a scalpel, right to the very end. I think that theory was just disproved, wasn't it? Wait a minute, Kozlowski. Are you in favor of this? I am not. But it was Martha's last wish. I think we must respect her wishes. In death as in life. My position on that has not changed, Arthur.

Right. Right. Listen, I'm 19. I have zero life experience. All I've ever done is attend a secluded Japanese academy where I learned three ancient languages I'll never use and where I failed to learn to fly. I have never loved anyone, at least not successfully, and I don't even like the idea of what you guys do. I'm going to go back downstairs, okay? I'm

going to go back to the wake, keep greeting random strangers I will never meet again, and listen to them pretend to be sad as they talk about how much Martha Plum meant to them. And I will forget that Martha Plum was not my grandmother's real name. Whenever I look at the old picture above my bed, I will say, there is my grandmother, and next to her is Amelia Earhart, her friend that I am named after. I will let Miss Plum's plumbing well alone, and never think about this house or the two of you ever again. And I am leaving this crazy testament right here together with the letter that you gave me earlier for you to burn both and never mention. Okay?

What is that? It's Martha's necklace. Oh, um, yeah, she left it to me. It was in the first envelope. I'll... I'll keep that. Oh, yes, of course. Here you go. But you'll burn the letters.

I think that that is probably for the best. Koslovsky? Koslovsky? You are right. It is for the best. Marta must have been losing her marbles. Leaving the company in the hands of a teenager is bizarre. Thank you.

Right. Well, then, I guess we're all agreed. We'll ignore this letter yeah we will ignore Martha's last wish we will ignore Martha's last wish I suppose this is goodbye then

once again Amelia we are so sorry for your loss. Before you go, I have one question. Yeah? What did you mean when you said you had never loved, at least not successfully? What is loving successfully? Loving successfully.

Yeah, that would be loving without losing your concentration like a silly child. Loving someone who could love you back. It would be acing your flying exam to prove you're good enough. Not getting heart palpitations and nearly crashing into Mount Fuji. It would be not falling in love with your flying instructor and then embarrassing yourself so badly you can never look her in the eye again. I see. All I could think about was her eyes. How her eyelashes are so short, no matter how much mascara she uses, they'll never be visible. How when she smiles, she gets these tiny wrinkles at the corner of her eyes. but her mouth hardly moves.

How when she's disappointed in me, her eyebrows drop so far down she nearly can't see. But when she's proud of something I've done, her eyes widen to the size of two koi ponds. I should have thought about the altitude meter. Child, I have not loved that intensely for so long, I can hardly remember what it is like. If loving so hard that nothing else has any meaning is not loving successfully, then there is no such thing as loving successfully. She's so much older than me, though. How much older?

She's thirty. Good Lord. I once dated a woman who was three hundred years younger than me. Pervert. She was seventy-two. That's well over the age of consent. Wait, you're not questioning the three hundred years bit? I thought you were joking.

You were joking, right? Oh, well, I might have been exaggerating a little. Right. I seem to remember she was 71, and you were 282. Well, there's no need to get pedantic. Listen, I appreciate you trying to make me laugh, but we're out of wake. Just let me go downstairs and cry, okay? Go on then, you go ahead.

This meeting never happened. Wait, that's not the... What the hell is that? Right. That would be the wrong door. That's the cupboard. And this is? A skeleton. And those crates? That would be the TNT.

Why do you have a skeleton and TNT in a cupboard in your office? Well, normally I suppose Martha would have told me to put it somewhere else, but since she's not been around, my routines have slipped. Okay, listen. Before I go, I'm going to give you some free advice, all right? All right. First of all, don't store explosives in your office. I'm still a bit unsure if that thing about you being 300 years old was a joke or not,

but even with the ability to sustain a stupidly long lifespan, accidentally blowing up 10 crates of TNT is going to kill you. Secondly, your secret door, it's about as secret as the Millennium Fireworks are gonna be. The carpet has a big

flat semicircle where the door opens. It does? Third, is this your only location? Um, yes. Why? What do you mean, why? Do you want the authorities to find you? We have immunity. Immunity?

The British government granted us immunity in exchange for our help during the Second World War. The immunity period is over. Is it? Yes, sadly. It only lasted 50 years. It ended in 1992. What year is it now?

1999. Precisely. Really? It was the end of the millennium. We need to throw a party. Oh, good Lord, you're right. Yes, the last time was such a drag. I mean, all they did was build cathedrals. I would bed at 8 p.m.

Can you two stay focused? You're not done? You have to find new locations. Spread the business out. If you're ever found, they'll only take one office, not all of them. If you only have one, you're screwed. You know, I suppose that's actually not a bad idea. How many clients do you have?

Per year? Well, it's about... Per day. Oh. Um, well, I suppose it's somewhere between 0.1 and 0.05. You need to increase your customer base. How do

these clients find you? Personal referral, of course. Referral, yes. That's no good. You need to advertise. We cannot advertise what we do. Give me two hours and a computer and I'll prove you wrong. What do you want to advertise on the interweb? It's the internet.

And no, I'm going to order you some stickers. Oh, good. Stickers. What is she... Stickers with a code, which will make sense to those who need it and be meaningless to those who don't. It should point to a phone number. You have a phone, right? Yes, we have a phone. Do we have a phone? I'm not sure. I do surgeries. You work in the office. Yes, right. Well, yes, I mean, yes, I'm sure there's a telephone in here somewhere. Ugh, you can stop looking. There's one right there on the desk.

Aha, yes, I was going to say, that's one on the desk. And when it rings, I should pick it up? Not if you're in the middle of seeing a client. No, right, yes. I'm going to get you an answering machine. Oh, goody. I'll show you how it works and record the welcoming message for you. Oh, good. Yes, great. And once I've done that, I'm out. You'll be on your own, okay?

Okay. Good. We will look for someone else to replace your grandmother. Yes, it will be hard to find someone to fill her shoes. Toodle-oo. Look after yourself, Amelia. See ya. Never. Hmm. Hmm. She is really similar to her grandmother, isn't she?

If you see past the stroppy teenager thing, I mean... Like the two wings on a butterfly. Oh! Ah. Yes? Um... Fuck. What?

I'm doing this, aren't I? Yes, I think you are! Yes! I can't start yet, though. I have two things I need to do. I need to retake my piloting exam, and then there's a really hot flying instructor I need to confront. We will welcome you both back, if it should go that way. But maybe don't tell her what we do just yet. Oh, that's not going to happen. Did I mention that she's married? Oh, no. No,

you didn't. I'm going to go out there and ace my piloting exam. Then I will confront my instructor, tell her how I truly feel about her, get heartbroken, and fly into Fujisan in despair. Sound good? Well, chew me like a gumball. 30 seconds in the company and you've already planned your first death. Guess it runs in the family. Yes.

We'll need an ejector seat. And we'll have to work out an escape route back to Britain. And I suppose we need a corpse my size. Doesn't need to resemble me, I guess. It'll burn, won't it? Oof. Then I'll need a new passport. Actually, make that a couple. Why restrict myself to one identity? About your identity. You'll take over Plum's Plumbing? No. No? There will be no more Plum's Plumbing. But... We close the business, sell the manor. But... Your grandmother was very attached

to this house. Running a plumbing business out of an 18th century manor house with two private runways is suspicious as hell. Wrong. Your grandmother was a well-respected businesswoman, a pillar of the community. She gave to every local charity. She sponsored the new church roof. The village cricket team practice on our grounds. We host a summer fete every year. It has always been our strategy to hide in plain sight. Plain sight. Well, it's not my style. But if you just...

You can use the house to throw a millennium party if you wish, but then it goes on the market. We will use the proceeds to buy several discreet properties across Britain, possibly beyond. And you two start laying low. We focus on secrecy from now on. You mean I won't be out among people? Not as much, but I'll make sure you meet a lot more clients. Well...

Well? I suppose it is a new era. I prefer my lab anyway. Right, then this is what we should toast to. A new era. Vouv Clicquot? Vouv Clicquot. It's my favorite.

And your grandmother grew very fond of it. I don't care what you say, but that's one tradition that will always remain. Okay, let's try Grandma's favorite booze, then. Right. Oh, um, are you... What? I mean, are you allowed to... You know, I mean, legally?

Ugh, for fuck's sake, I'm 19. Yes, I was just pulling your leg. Yes, no problem. Young Amelia, welcome to the Amelia Project. To a new era. To a new era. To a new era. Stay tuned for the epilogue, but first, the credits.

This episode was written and directed by Einstein Braga with story and audio editing by Philip Thorne and story consultancy by Marty Percival. Sound design by Adam Raimonda and music by Frederick Barden. The episode featured Hemi Yeroham as Kozlowski, Jordan Cobb as Jackie Williams, Erin King as Mia Fox, Alan Bergen as the interviewer, Thank you so much to all of you who support the show via Patreon.

Without you guys, the show couldn't exist. And a special shout out to our super patrons. That's Heat312, Sigrid, Rodney Dilligie, Ella Silver, Kevin Rowland, Sophia Anderson, Jem Fiddick, Alban Assant, Amelie and Alison, Stephanie Weidenhiller, Rafael Eduardo Vifas-Verastaki, Ashlyn Brand, Alison Throh Patricia Bornwagner, and Megan Mighty. If you're not yet a patron but would like to sign up, it's quick and easy, and there are lots of tiers to choose from, starting at just $2.

From $5 you have access to bonus episodes, such as a whole bonus series called The Alvina Archives and the upcoming special episode Alvina's First Christmas. And from $20 you can get episodes dedicated to you. Visit AmeliaPodcast.com for more info and you can also find us on Twitter, Tumblr and Instagram. And now, the epilogue. So, this is it then.

Alvina is finally getting the full rundown. Amelia! How did you find us? I texted her our location. You text now? I do. I keep up with the times. Only a few decades behind. Why did you call Amelia here?

Blankets. Oh, that's so nice of you. Thank you. And I thought she could be here to tell her part of the story. Ah, so that's why you called me here. I knew there was something. I guess I'll join you for a bit. But once I'm done, I'm heading home.

I've got a nice comfy bed and I already know the rest of the story. What's your part, then? I guess it starts with Kozlovsky handing me the letter. What letter? A letter from my grandmother, one she wrote right before she died. I remember

opening the envelope and out falls a necklace, my grandmother's necklace, the one she always wore. The one you gave to Todd? Yes, that one. The funeral was already over, but it was only when I saw the necklace that I realized it was true. Grandma was really gone. No, no, no, no, no. You're telling it all wrong. Am I? It starts before that. You're in Japan, attending an elite academy. You went to school in Japan?

You've failed your piloting exam and you think your last name is Plum. Plum? Fine, fine, fine. I'll start a bit earlier. My story starts the day my grandmother passed away. The Fable & Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish.