The Amelia Project - Episode 7 - Bob

Episode Date: March 2, 2018

“There are thirty one million people waiting for me.” Season 1, Episode 7. The Amelia Project is a secret agency that helps its clients by faking their deaths and setting them up with a brand new identity! In this episode the client is a famous comedian… who has lost his sense of humour!  Featuring Alan Burgon, Modou Bah, Julia Morizawa and cocoa from Les Deux Magots in Paris. Written by Philip Thorne. Directed by Philip Thorne and Oystein U. Brager. Music and sound design by Fredrik S. Baden. Produced by Imploding Fictions in association with Open House Theatre Vienna. The fellow audio drama shoutout went to Wooden Overcoats by David K. Barnes. A classic among fiction podcasts! For full credits see our website. Content Warning: this episode contains bad jokes. Website: https://ameliapodcast.com  Transcripts: https://ameliapodcast.com/transcripts Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ameliapodcast Donations: https://ameliapodcast.com/support Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-amelia-project?ref_id=6148 Twitter: https://twitter.com/amelia_podcast Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ameliapodcast/ Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/ameliapodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Delivered with Uber Eats. Order now. Alcohol in select markets. See app for details. Congratulations. You've reached the Amelia Project. This phone call isn't happening. If you're not serious about this, hang up. Now.

If you continue, there's no way back. Good choice. A new life awaits. You'll hear back from us within the hour. If you don't hear back, please consider the whole thing a hoax. Leave your message after the beep. There are 31 million people waiting for me.

No way I can do this. No way. I have to disappear. For the love of God, call me. Thank you. The Amelia Project by Philip Thorne and Oistein Braga with music and sound design by Frederik Baden. Episode 7. Bob. Come in. Hello? I'm Bob.

I'm Bob! Love it! Well, take a seat, Bob. How do you do? I'm fine, thanks. Fine! Oh, that's so, so, so, so... What? What?

How do you come up with this stuff? I just... Bob! Brilliant! Open my mouth. Cocoa Bob! Yes, please. How is it? Hot.

You're killing me! Killer! Killer! What was it the Guardian called you? Funniest man of the year. Of the century, more like. I'm not really that funny. Would you just excuse me a moment? Sure.

I'll wait till she hears. Alvina, guess who I have here Bob Cox I know right and guess what he says to me when he comes in he says wait for it

I'm Bob yes I'm Bob oh I'm Bob. Oh, I'm probably not doing it right. When he does it, it's... It was I'm Bob, right? Yeah, I'm Bob. Yes, yes, that was the line.

It's just when he does it, it's... Hey, look, I've got him here. Why don't I just get him to do it for you? Would you mind... What? Here, take my phone. I am... Say it, say it! Go on! I am Bob. No.

No. Not really. It was better the first time. Okay. Bye then. Why did you do that? What? I'm Bob. That's not funny. But you just said it was. Now Alvina just thinks I'm stupid. I'm sorry. What's meant to be funny about I'm Bob? Nothing. I'm Bob.

Ridiculous. I agree. Don't use that in your next show. I won't. Right. Right. Right. Your mom hates it when you leave six half full glasses on your night show. I won't. Right. Right. Right. Your mom hates it when you leave six half-full glasses on your nightstand. It's a good thing mom lives on the other side of the country. And it's an even better thing that you can get six IKEA 365 Plus glasses for just $9.99.

So go ahead. You can afford to hoard because IKEA is priced for student life. Shop everything you need for back to school at IKEA today. Tell me a joke. What? A proper joke. Oh, please don't make me do this.

A joke, and then we get down to business. What? Why can't Donald Trump draw a perfect circle? Uh, no, I don't know. Because drawing a perfect circle is impossible for any human being. How would you rate that joke on a scale from 1 to 10? 1 being the best and 10 being the worst. 9?

Um... That bad. I've heard autopsy reports that have been funnier. Want to have another go? Not really. Have another go! What did one dentist say to the other dentist? I don't know.

We're both dentists. You know that thing where they say it's so bad it's good? Yeah. Well, that was just bad. I'm screwed. Don't beat yourself up. You're just having an off day. It happens.

An off month, more like. Really? I haven't told a decent joke in four weeks. You were hilarious earlier. I'm Bob. No, not that. The other stuff. What other stuff?

I don't know. The other stuff. The ad-libbing. You were funny. No, I wasn't. Yes, you were. No, I'm Bob. No, not that. The other stuff. What other stuff? I don't know. The other stuff. The ad-libbing. You were funny. No, I wasn't. Yes, you were. No, I wasn't. Yes, you were. No, I wasn't. Yes, you. Oh my God, you weren't, were you? No. It's just, you didn't know yet. Didn't know what? That I'd lost my

sense of humour. Now that's funny. No, it's not. On a scale of one to ten, I put it at a... It's not funny. Bob Cox has lost his sense of humour. Now that's funny. No, it's not. On a scale of one to ten, I put it at a... It's not funny. Bob Cox has lost his sense of humour. Nobody's allowed to know that. Tell me a joke. What?

Tell me a joke. No way. Joke. Joke. Joke. Joke. Joke. What's red and smells of blue paint? I don't know Red paint Oh my god, that's bad

How did this happen? I just woke up and realised something was missing No, no, no, no How can a talent like yours just disappear? I don't know. Well, it's not possible. You heard me. I suck. Indeed.

Luckily, no one's noticed yet. How can no one have noticed? My five-year-old niece does better knock-knock jokes than that. Well, people are just so used to finding me funny, they're in stitches, whatever I say. As long as I keep the exchanges short, they don't notice. Well, tickle my belly and dip me in jelly. I just grin, do the wink, and people think I'm saying something witty. It's not going to get me through a two-hour show, though.

Just stick to the script and you'll be fine. I don't do scripts. I just walk out on stage and riff. Our show, though. Just stick to the script and you'll be fine. I don't do scripts. I just walk out on stage and riff. That's what they love. Every show is different. Wow. Live at the Apollo.

That was all... All improvised, yes. It's the one thing I've always been able to rely on. The jokes, they just come. Even when I don't want them to. Even when it's inappropriate. At my aunt's funeral, I'd plan a real tearjerker off a eulogy, but I had them rolling in the pews.

I have the solution. You do? Yes. Coco. Coco? How's that going to solve... This isn't just any old Coco. This is Coco from Les Deux Magots in Paris. What is Les Deux Magots?

It helped Brecht and Hemingway through many a writer's block. It's a lubricant for the imagination. As energising as a jogged-down Champs-Élysées, and as stimulating as Brigitte Bardot sucking a lollipop. Now, close your eyes, clear your mind,

sit back, and sip. Don't forget to ah. Another sip. Ah. One more time. This time with feeling. Ah.

Yes. Now, tell me a joke. I told you. I've got one. Hit me. What's bright blue, hangs on the wall, and whistles? I give up, I don't know. A herring.

What? Still no good Well, it's just a herring's not bright blue, is it? You can paint it bright blue But it doesn't hang on the wall You can nail it to the wall A herring doesn't whistle Shit, you're right It doesn't work

Okay, I think we can safely say your talent has buggered off for good Oh, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn! You know what day it is tomorrow? Pancake Day? No! It's the Oscars! Right. I wouldn't know. I'm not a film buff. Yes, but I'm the host. Oh. Oh! Oh, no.

You see my problem? Oh, that. Oh no. You see my problem? That mustn't happen. There is no way I'm getting in front of those cameras tomorrow. Not with jokes about whistling herrings. Which is why I need your services before it's too late. Hang on. Slow down. You don't need our services. A bout of stomach flu should do the trick.

It's not just the Oscars. The week after, I play the Hollywood Boat. Pneumonia, then. The week after that, I start a tour of Australia. A broken leg. Joey and Salvatore can help. It's on the house. After that, it's a tour... Okay, okay, I get the picture. I'm booked out for the next three years. And you can't just, I don't know, quit?

What excuse would I give? There are fans in London, Oslo, Amsterdam and New York with tickets to see me. There's a Channel 4 show in the making. There's a Children in Need gala to host. I've committed to an entire season of Have I Got News for You. How can I turn my back on all that? Nope. It's all or nothing. I have to disappear. For good. And before I make a dick of myself in front of George Clooney and Julia Roberts. Hmm. You have an idea? No.

I need your help. This calls for some more cocoa. Top up. Yes, please. You little chalky chalky muse. Got it. Oh, thank God. Here's what we do. You go to the Oscars. What? No Oh, thank God. Here's what we do. You go to the Oscars.

What? No, no, no, no, no. I'd rather do karaoke dressed as a... Yes. Yes? I can't end it. A hot dog? A lobster? A giant penis? Oh, you make it sound so easy. Relax. You just have to get up on stage to kick off the ceremony.

No. What will I say? I'm Bob. I'm Bob. I'm Bob. Do the wink. They'll laugh. They'll applaud. Maybe even some cheers. Trust me. Sure, sure. But then what? Then a spotlight comes crashing down on your head. Wow. You can do that? I'm Bob. That's our cue.

I'm Bob. Crash. You'll actually be giving the organisers their money's worth. That's an opening nobody will forget. You'll make your fee out to Amelia, of course. Of course. Now, what would you like to do in your new life?

Something that doesn't require a sense of humour. Well, let me check the catalogue. How about a tax accountant in Middlesbrough? Does that sound dull enough? Perfect. Then let's crack open the champagne. You remember the cue?

I'm Bob. I'm Bob. I'm Bob. Crash. And Bob's your uncle. You'll hear back from us within the hour. If you don't hear back, please consider the whole thing a hoax. Leave your message after the beep.

Sorry, that was silly. I just couldn't resist. That's the problem, though. It's like a damn reflex. Talking of reflexes, what do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky. Sorry, that were a digression. So, here's the issue.

Until about a month ago, I was a somber kind of guy. And that's why I became an undertaker. And then, one Monday morning, I wake up and it's just gag, gag, gag. No idea how this happened and nothing I can do about it. Anyway, it turns out families of the recently deceased don't appreciate a gagging undertaker. I've pissed off so many people in the last four weeks, even Piers Morgan would be jealous. It all got to a head when I pointed out to that tough Russian dude that he'd missed an opportunity for a put on his wife's gravestone. Now he's threatening to hunt me down and make me dig my own grave. I need help. Call me.

The Amelia Project is produced by Imploding Fictions in association with Open House Theatre Vienna. This episode featured Alan Bergen as the interviewer, Mudu Ba as Bob, Glyn Phillips as Cecil and Julia Morizawa on the arsophone. It was written by Flipthorne and directed and edited by Einstein Breger. Music and sound design by Frederik Barden, graphic design by Anders Pedersen, and Coco from Lidu Mago. In order to grow our show, we need to grow our audience. So we would be super grateful if you could recommend us

to anyone you think might enjoy the Amelia project. Grab their phone and subscribe them. Download the series onto USB sticks, drive around your neighbourhood and chuck them at strangers. Or, if you haven't done so yet, you could leave us a review on iTunes. We're at Amelia underscore podcast on Twitter, come and say hello, and our website is ameliapodcast.com. This week's podcast shout out goes to the hilarious Wooden Overcoats, one of our very favourite audio dramas that has just started its third season. Check it out. Bye for now and look forward to welcoming you back to Amelia again in two weeks' time. Ah.

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