The Amelia Project - Episode 8 - Luke Dougal

Episode Date: March 16, 2018

"He opened the bottomless pit, and there arose a smoke out of the pit, as the smoke of a great furnace, and the sun and the air were darkened by the smoke.” Season 1, Episode 8. The Amelia Project is a secret agency that helps its clients by faking their deaths and setting them up with a brand new identity! This episode’s client comes straight from hell… Featuring Alan Burgon, Michael Smulik, Gianluca Iumiento, Ravdeep Singh Bajwa, Pete Lutz, Sarah Golding and Julia Morizawa. Written by Philip Thorne. Directed by Alan Burgon. Music and sound design by Fredrik S. Baden. Produced by Imploding Fictions in association with Open House Theatre Vienna. Fellow audio drama shoutout to Victoriocity by Jen and Chris Sudden, which is like the bonkers lovechild of Arthur Conan Doyle, Wilky Collins and Douglas Adams, and it features a cyborg Queen Victoria! Find Victoriocity here: https://www.victoriocity.com/ Content Warning: this episode contains loud death metal, retching sounds, and revolting ice cream flavours! Website: https://ameliapodcast.com  Transcripts: https://ameliapodcast.com/transcripts Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ameliapodcast Donations: https://ameliapodcast.com/support Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-amelia-project?ref_id=6148 Twitter: https://twitter.com/amelia_podcast Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ameliapodcast/ Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/ameliapodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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And then, finally, add Bacardi Rum. And there you have it. The perfect summer mix. Bacardi. Do what moves you. Live passionately. Drink responsibly. Copyright 2024. Bacardi, its trade dress and the bat device are trademarks of Bacardi and Company Limited. Rum 40% alcohol by volume. Congratulations. You've reached the Amelia Project.

This phone call isn't happening. If you're not serious about this, hang up. Now. If you continue, there's no way back. Good choice. A new life awaits. You'll hear back from us within the hour. If you don't hear back, please consider the whole thing a hoax.

Leave your message after the beep. He opened the bottomless pit. Leave your message after the beep. murderers and whoremongers and sorcerers and idolaters and all liars shall have their part in the lake which burns with fire and brimstone, which is the second death. I'm not sure. The Amelia Project by Philip Thorne and Oistern Braga with music and sound design by Frederick Baden. What's taking so long? When that chick stomps on the baby with her Dr. Martin. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've never laughed so much. I love it when she makes that dude eat a vomit. Yeah, yeah, and then it pushes her face into a table saw. I think she gets straight back up, that broad. Yeah, I know, I know. I was like, what? How did you do the eye stapling bit? Yeah.

Yeah, it's different. Now, see you later. Senora Dugale, I don't see you. So I see. Who's up? Can I just... Can I just... I think Joey would like an autograph. Yeah.

Certainly. Should I know you? Let me give you a clue. Hell. Satan? No. Oh, Jesus Christ, what's wrong with you? But I thought you just said Hell, you know, the theme park Sorry, I don't have kids

You're joking It's not that unusual I mean hell What about it? It's not for kids It's not? No, it's only like the most dangerous theme park in history. I thought theme parks were for kids.

Bomber cars, candy floss, ice cream. We have ice cream. I like ice cream. We do novelty flavours. My favourite is strawberry. Strawberry is not a novelty flavour. We don't do strawberry. Well, I think you should.

We do prawn cocktail, pickled onion and mushy pea. That sounds horrible. It is. Don't people throw up? Yes, they do. And we provide the bags. Oh, are you sure you're not Satan? My name is Luke Dougal. And you created hell? I did.

Well, you must show me around one day. These days I'm not allowed within a mile of the place. Oh? What happened? I was betrayed! By who? Cody North. Who's Cody? He was betrayed By who? Cody North Who's Cody? He was my producer on Nuns with Guns He's good with numbers and shit

Keeps the financiers off my back Clears the rights for music Practical stuff As opposed to creative Cody couldn't invent a decent monster if his life depended on it But you needed him for the organisational bits Not as much as he needed me. Hell was your idea?

I've been thinking about it since I was a boy. Making sketches for it. Designing rides. Naming them. One day I told Cody about it. He loved the idea. Thought it had commercial potential. A dangerous theme park has commercial potential? Yes.

And is it genuinely dangerous? Depends on what you mean by dangerous. Dangerous relative. What do you mean? Well, it's not as dangerous as, say, skinny dipping with sharks. But it's more dangerous than vegging out on your sofa watching Jaws. Yes, but is it possible to get hurt? Like I said, you wouldn't want to go for a kid's birthday party.

So, you teamed up with Cody? He raised some money and we bought an abandoned funfair in Cumbria. It was really creepy, you know. Graffiti carousels, empty swan boats, a rusting ferris wheel. We left most of that stuff standing and built our attractions around it. I see. What attractions? My favourite is the Chamber of Executions. It showcases execution methods from around the world. And you can try them out. Oh, such as? The electric chair is very popular. You can get strapped in and you can choose the level of voltage for your shock.

Okay. Then there's the guillotine. Jesus! If you put your head in it, the executioner releases the blade and it stops two centimetres before your neck. That's the most extreme scenario. You can choose the distance. And people actually come to your hell? It's a freaking sensation. I... why?

Because we live in such a sterilised and plasticky world of health and safety. Hell's the opposite of all that. All those people diddling on their phones and playing video games. I find that tragic. Virtual reality is so boring. Ah, yes. Turns people into zombies. And sadly, not the Romero type. We, we give people the real deal.

They come to us to feel something. To feel alive. Do you know what makes me feel alive? Coco. Coco? Yes. Would you like some? It's from Les Doux Magots. Magots? Maggots? No, no, no. Not maggots. Les Doux Magots is a café in Paris. Hemingway, Sartre and Camus went there. You'll have some? Sure, yeah. Let's live a little, eh? Your mom hates it when you leave six half-full glasses on your nightstand.

It's a good thing mom lives on the other side of the country. And it's an even better thing that you can get six IKEA 365 Plus glasses for just $9.99. So go ahead. You can afford to hoard because IKEA is priced for student life. Shop everything you need for back to school at IKEA today. Tell me, what other pleasures does hell hold in store? Um, well, we have the biggest, baddest freak show in the world. Believe me, you've seen nothing until you've seen a

dwarf sticking thumbtacks into his face, or a hunchback on a trapeze. You can stay overnight at the No Sleep Hotel. Each room is haunted by a different ghost, and they strike randomly. Sometimes they just rearrange your luggage, sometimes they turn the shower

ice cold, and sometimes they chase you out of bed with a hatchet. The nastiest incident was a ghost pulling a guy's hand while he was shaving. So much blood. But the hotel has a hospital wing to deal with injuries all through the night. But the biggest attraction has to be hell in a handcart. 30 carts speeding across 2,600 metres of track at 160 miles per hour

in, over, under and around and through hell. Bloody hell! Hell is 1,500 square metres of bonfires, spikes industrial saws flamethrowers and snake pools. It's probably the most dangerous place in Britain.

The carts zoom head-on towards the saws, the points changing in the last fraction of a second, plunge in and out of snake pools and skim around bonfires with flames lapping at their sides. You should try it someday. I'll stick to my cocoa, thanks. How's the cocoa working out for you, by the way? It would benefit from a shot of garlic. How is hell even legal? Visitors sign a thing when they buy their tickets

to say that they understand the risks and the park can't be held accountable. Cody came up with that. He's clever that way. I think you should tell me more about Cody. I used to think he looked up to me. Without me, he'd have nothing. And he knows it. He should be thanking me. Instead, he makes me sign away my rights.

How did he get you to do that? Paperwork's not my scene. Give me a pen and I'll sign. So now Cody's calling the shots. He's the owner. Turns out I'm just hired to create rides. So he makes more money than you. I don't give a shit about money.

It's my vision I care about. Your vision? Cody said it would raise our profile to get in other directors to create signature rides. Eli Roth. Sam Raimi. Squeamish mainstream sellouts. You don't want your vision diluted? Hell is mine. I designed every last thumbscrew.

Cody has no right, and I told him so. I refused to let anyone tamper with hell. How did he respond? He fired me. Me? How can he fire me? I thought he was the one working for me, not the other way around. That's how it should be. He's worse than any monster I've ever created.

Greedy, backstabbing piece of shit! I get the sense that you're a bit angry. You think? So you're not planning to take it lying down? I've made Cody's life hell. How's that? You can't keep me out of my own theme park. The day after he fired me, I was back in the control tower and I made people scream.

I upped the voltage on the electric chair to 2,000 volts, made the carts take hairpin bends at 180 miles per hour, brought them dangerously close to the flames, released all the ghosts in the hotel simultaneously and told the freaks to start experimenting on the audience.

Did anyone, um... Not yet. But some people lost limbs. And what was the reaction? People were furious. Demanded their money back. There's been a real shitstorm in the press and on Twitter. All these celebrities who'd never heard of the park

suddenly coming out and making statements about how evil it all is. There have been demonstrations outside Hell for the last three days. I don't understand. I thought people know it's real and dangerous. No simulations. That's the appeal. They want to know it's real and can go wrong. But they don't actually want it to go wrong. They want the adrenaline rush and a freaky story to tell their mates over a beer,

not the funeral costs. Well, well, Cody must be livid. He's doing 20 interviews a day and tweeting every three minutes to try and control the damage. And can hell be saved? Tomorrow, Cody's promised to open up hell for free. Lots of people are curious. There'll be a big turnout. He's hoping it will be

a success and he can turn public opinion around. Tomorrow? Cody is so scared of me now. He put a restraining order on me. He said if I ever come near the park again, he'll kill me. This is all quite fascinating, but I don't really understand how we can help you.

People come to us for help with their deaths. You haven't been listening. Huh? I said he's going to kill me. Who? Cody? But that was just a figure of speech. I don't think you have to genuinely worry about that.

But I want him to. You want him to kill you? Yes. Really? Yes. Really, really? Yes. No, I mean not really, really. I don't want him to really kill me.

A simulation? Yes. That's what you do, isn't it? Yes. But we've never incited an outsider to commit a seemingly real murder before. I want him to have me on his conscience. We're going to have to make the prospect of killing you totally irresistible to him. I'm not exactly on his Christmas card list as it is. But does he have enough reason to murder you? We're going to have to create a situation where he has to make a snap decision. We don't want him overthinking this.

Also, he'll need a very strong motivation. Cody's motivated by money. That's it. Money. Good. His money depends on hell. We need to put hell at risk. We're going to have to get you back in there.

But the restraining order, they'll be on the lookout. That's not going to be a problem. When it comes to disguises, we're the best in the business. So, I go back into hell. Then what? You sent him a text. Today, all hell breaks loose. That'll put him on alert.

He'll go straight to the control tower? Yes. He'll find me? alert. He'll go straight to the control tower? Yes. He'll find me? No. You won't be in the control tower. I won't? Where will I be? In a handcart to hell. You're going to have to team up with our engineer. Show her the design.

You'll build an identical cart, but with its own motor. Then what? I'll give Cody a call. Pretend to be from security. I'll say someone who looks like Luke Dougal is in a hell cart. I assume you have CCTV? Of course. So he'll spot you right away. You'll be on the tracks, in your own cart, headed in the wrong direction, on a collision course with the others. I like it. I could design a really mean battering ram to attach to the front of the cart. I'm sure you could.

At the speed the ride is going, Cody is going to have to act very quickly to avert a disaster. I think it's pretty clear what he'll do. Change the points to send me straight into a saw or a snake pit. Yes! We'll activate the ejector seat just before the crunch, then send in our special unit to retrieve you from hell. They miss the battlefield and are desperate for a challenge. You'll be killed by your own

ride. Call me sentimental, but I think that's rather poetic. Yes. It's great. Let's get designing right away. Hang on, hang on, hang on. Aren't we forgetting something?

Not that I can... Your return. We're doing all this so you can come back, right? We have different locations and disguises to choose from. Shall I get the catalogue? Oh, I don't want any disguise. No disguise? But where will you go?

I'm staying put. In hell. But Cody will recognise you. That's the point. I'm going to haunt the crap out of him. A ghost! This is what I was always meant to do. Live in my own theme park as a ghost. Spooking people, creating mystery and terror. I can't wait!

Our disguised apartment could pale you out a little and provide you with some accessories. Although, I imagine you'll want to design them yourself. I do have some ideas. I'm happy for you to come back as a ghost and haunt hell. But there's one condition. Uh? If you hide, only come out at night, and keep

your visitations brief and mysterious. Then everything is fine. But, what if you get fed up with being a ghost and decide to pop to Tesco's? The game would be up. The police would investigate and they might find Amelia. We can't risk that. I'll be a very happy ghost. I don't need the world. You know something, I believe you. But business is business and I need to be sure. So, I'd like you to sign this. By doing so, you give up your rights to a normal life. If we ever find you engaged

in any activity not in conjunction with your ghostly duties, we will... Okay. Oh, you don't want to read it first? Nah. Ah, wonderful. Then, last thing, the matter of payment. Oh. Now, I am aware you're only utilising half of our service. Because of your return as a ghost,

we don't have to bother with papers for you, teach you a new language, or reconfigure your face. But taking care of your death will still be costly. Um, yes, I, uh, I see. I get the impression you're not very good with money. I have a red-yellow collection. I could sign that over to you. Tempting, but I have a better idea.

You have an active imagination and no scruples. Those are qualities we admire at Amelia. I suggest we take you on as a consultant. Our cases often need complex design work, and as a ghost, during the day, you'll have plenty of time on your hands. I would like that very much. Someone from Amelia will be round once a week. You'll find me in Blood Manor, just to the left of the Dogems of Death. Noted.

We'll bring a bag of groceries round. Shopping will be difficult for you. Perfect. Now, can I tempt you with something as conventional as champagne? Bring it on. To hell. To hell. Welcome to the Diner of Death. Would you like to try our asbestos, mercury, and kiwi popsicles? Alternatively, I can recommend our new earwax and mashed potato ice cream.

Dandruff sprinkles are on the house. Un gelato egg mayonnaise, per favore. Un gelato mushy pea, per favore. Good choice. One egg mayonnaise and one mushy pea ice cream, please. Here are your barf bags. And here come your ice creams. Gentlemen, enjoy.

That's so good. Oh, it's evil. What? Oh, I'm going to puke. The Amelia Project is produced by Imploding Fictions in association with Open House Theatre Vienna. This episode featured Alan Bergen as the interviewer, Michael Smulik as Luke, Gianluca Yumiento as Joey,

Ravdeep Singh Bajwa as Salvatore, Pete Lutz from Pulp Pari Theatre as The Cashier, and Julia Morizawa on the answer phone. Coming up, a little cameo by Sarah Golding. It was written by Philip Thorne and Einstein Breger and directed by Alan Bergen. Music and sound design by Frederick Barden. Graphic design by Anders Piedersen.

Production coordination by Julia C. Thorne. This episode was recorded at Torngeber Studios with the assistance of Gabriel Geber. If you enjoy the show and would like us to continue making it, consider becoming a patron. For every episode, patrons get a special reward. For this episode, $1 patrons get a digital poster of hell. $5 patrons get Luke's case file, which outlines exactly what happens after the episode finishes. And $10 patrons get a map of hell, designed by Anders Piresen. Becoming a patron is quick and easy visit patreon.com slash amelia podcast or follow the

link on our website at ameliapodcast.com this week's podcast shout out goes to victoriosity which is like the bonkers love child of arthur conan doyle wilkie collins and douglas adams and it features cyborg queen Victoria. What more could you want? Bye for now, and look forward to welcoming you back to Amelia again soon. Evening, ladies. May I recommend the Beelzebub Burger? It's made with fried leftovers. But don't ask what kind of leftovers.

Ha ha ha. Alternatively, if you want a really exciting dining experience, there's the Piranha Playpen eatery just over there. Catch your own food before it catches you. Ha ha ha. What's that? Cody North, Cody North, please come to the control tower immediately. Cody North, Cody North, please come to the control tower immediately.

Cody North, Cody North, we need you at the control tower, please. Very quickly to the control tower, Cody North, Cody North, Cody... It begins as terrible things often, The Fable & Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish. It begins, as terrible things often do, with a knife. People of Hirtath! Chosen children of the night! A lost soul has come to us! I'm not sure if I can do this. It's always better if you just do it quick. You came to St Kilda to escape your past, but the past isn't so easy to outrun.

You always say you're changing, but underneath you're just the same. She was a child, Lockie. You liar! Did you really believe this community would accept you? I think you're meant to be here. A little bird told me that you're a liar. All of this, it comes with a cost, Lockie.

Did you really believe you could find redemption? The time for excuses is over. The Secret of St. Kilda. Available wherever you get your podcasts. Listen to Season 1 now and remember, there is no change without sacrifice.