The Amelia Project - H - Easter Special

Episode Date: April 7, 2023

"Knock knock, who's there?"  Featuring Alan Burgon, Jason Nemor Harden, Fernando Tiberini and Stan Morris. Written by Oystein Ulsberg Brager and Philip Thorne. Sound design by Adam Raymonda and music by Fredrik Baden. Production assistance by Maty Parzival and graphic design by Anders Pedersen. Thank you to our patrons! For full credits and transcript, check our website. Website: https://ameliapodcast.com Transcripts: https://ameliapodcast.com/transcripts Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ameliapodcast Donations: https://ameliapodcast.com/support Twitter: https://twitter.com/amelia_podcast Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ameliapodcast/ Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/ameliapodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Summer's here, and you can now get almost anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. What do we mean by almost? You can't get a well-groomed lawn delivered, but you can get chicken parmesan delivered. Sunshine? No. Some wine? Yes. Get almost, almost anything delivered with Uber Eats. Order now. Alcohol in select markets. See app for details.

Cold tapes. A gripping crime story that will chill you to the bone. You know, life on the base means, well, it's close to six months without light. That does things to people that study that he was doing to watch us and then set off us like mice around this special little experiment how many people are on this space 16 on this one someone amongst them is our killer experience Experience Cold Tapes, the murder mystery podcast game. Start your investigation where you get your podcasts.

Hello, dear Amelia listeners. We have missed you. We've been working hard on the continuation of season five. Info on the launch of season five, part two will be coming soon. So watch this space. But in the meantime,

thanks to the generous support of our patrons, we're back with an Easter special bonus episode. The episode is dedicated to our patron Dr Insanity. Thanks, Dr Insanity. A mask fitting will be arranged with Kozlowski for your new identity as a plague doctor. Enjoy the episode. Enjoy the episode. Congratulations. You've reached the Amelia Project. This phone call isn't happening. If you're not serious about this, hang up.

Now. If you continue, there's no way back. Good choice. And your life awaits. You'll hear back from us within the hour. If you don't hear back, please consider the whole thing a hoax. Leave your message after the beep. Ask and it shall be given you. Seek and ye shall find. Knock and it shall be opened unto you. Well, knock, knock. Who's there?

H. H who? The one and only. That's who. Needing a little bit of support in my time of need. Hope to hear back from you. Peace out. I bless you all and so on. The Amelia Project, created by Philip Thorne and Øystein Ulsbeck-Braga, with sound direction by Frederick Barden and sound design by Adam Raimonda.

H. Il Salvatore! What's Salvatore done now? Il Salvatore! Il Salvatore! Look, just tell me, Joey. Il Salvatore! Il Salvatore! Okay, Joey, you're actually starting to scare me now. Oh, not you too.

What is up with you? Salvatore? Yes, that's you. No, no, not me. What are you two going on about? The Savior? He's here. Look. But that's just a hippie in sandals. It's the sand bearer. Well, some people have sweaty feet. Well, look at his face. It's him.

It's not him. I mean, not him with a capital H. But we saw his face. It's Il Salvatore. It's Il Salvatore. Just stop it and let the client come in. Sorry, dude. Is this a bad time? Jesus Christ. Yes? Your outfit looks like something straight out of a da Vinci.

It's vintage. Wait. You said vintage. Wait. You said yes? Yes. Yes, yes? Yes. No. Yes.

No! Yes. You're not. Yes. It's Salvatore! Yes. Jeez Louise! Sorry.

Was that blasphemous? Can I get your autograph? Jeez Louise! Sorry, was that blasphemous? Can I get your autograph? Joey, Salvatore, stop genuflecting and make yourselves useful. Bring us some cocoa. You drink cocoa? I'd prefer wine if you have it. We do? Joey, Salvatore, go get that bottle of Chateau Lafitte.

Con tanto piacere. Whatever you want. You'll have to excuse Jim and Salvatore. They're devout Catholics. They must be very excited. What about you? What about me? Are you Catholic?

Oh, I'm about as Catholic as a Buddhist. Which means I'm an atheist. No, it's nothing personal. You don't believe I exist. How is that not personal? Well, it's just there's very little proof that... I'm here chatting with you. What more proof do you need?

It's not so much your existence that's the issue. It's the virgin birth. The turning of water into wine. Who said anything about a virgin birth? Um, Matthew? Luke? Never heard of them. The Bible? Ring, Matthew? Luke? Never heard of them. The Bible? Ring any bells? No? Oh. You're talking about him, aren't you?

I'm talking... Sorry? Freaking imposter. I don't follow. Here is your wine, Il Salvatore. Ah, thank you, Joey. Salvatore, aren't you forgetting something? Did you want anything else, El Salvatore? Just the wine, thank you.

Prego. My cocoa? Where is my cocoa? Joey, my cocoa! Can you believe that? It's unbelievable. Like, I don't exist. I'm sure they don't mean it personally. Coco is always personal. Anyway, how can we help you, Mr. Christ? Call me H. That's what my homies call me.

H? Jesus H. Christ. H? Alright. Um, why do you need to die? Well, you see, I have this following. Twelve apostles that I've gathered and trained. And the thing is that I've come to the point in my story where I need to get persecuted and die on the cross. In order to prove to my followers that I am actually God. They're losing faith.

Well, why don't you just do some miracles? I'm sure that'll do the trick. More miracles? They've grown accustomed to it. They've started ordering only one pizza because they know it's going to feed everyone anyway. That's good. I need something bigger this time.

You know, the grand finale. Death and resurrection. That's your business, ain't it? Death and resurrection? It is, yes. I hear you've really cornered the market. Yes, that's true. Dying, however, is quite final, though. You didn't hear the part where I said resurrection?

Yes, but if I remember correctly, the resurrection did end with leaving Earth behind permanently. In other words, no more magical pizza parties, dude. I'm tired of them. And the other guys, they're so human. I mean, John keeps harping on about his dad, Zebedee. Zebedee this, Zebedee that. Who's called Zebedee anyway? And Bartholomew's feet? Man, they stink.

But he insists on wearing sandals. Then there's the two called Simon. I actually renamed one of them Peter because I got so confused. But I keep forgetting which one. Why don't you just go to the annual crucifixion in the Philippines? They nail people up for real. Good fun every Good Friday. And be one of the crowd?

Just another copy trying to prove how hardcore he is to some potential girlfriend? Just another copy trying to prove how hardcore he is to some potential girlfriend? Yeah. Then, when you've bled for about two and a half seconds, they let you down again. The Red Cross standing by with a tent full of Band-Aids? Come on. So, let me get this straight. You want us to organize an actual persecution?

Yeah. Yeah. Can we get some more wine? Um, yes, certainly Um, Joey Salvatore Bring us a large carafe of water and a pot of cocoa, please Presto Certo So, after your death, do you have any plans for resurfacing?

Who would you like to be next? Since you've already tried Jesus, maybe another historical figure would suit you? We could do Genghis Khan, Joseph Stalin, Elvis. That spot is actually currently free. You're joking, right? Because I obviously need to come back three days later still being Jesus. That's kind of the point. If I don't crawl out of the cave three days later, the whole thing doesn't work. What year is it? Sorry? Can you please tell me what year you think it is? It's 2017. So you are aware that all of this already happened 2017 years ago?

Sure. So in essence, you want to just copy what happened back then? Who says I'm the copy? Um... He's the copy. That imposter, stealing my thunder, creating the world's largest religion two millennia before I was even born. Cheat. I think you'll find that chronology dictates that you are the copy. I'm the savior, the son of God, and part of the Holy Trinity. Why should I be concerned with chronology?

Fair point. It's identity theft, pure and simple. Um, not simple. Le vostre bevande. Thank you, Salvatore. Oh. Here you go. H. What's this?

This is water. Yes, it is. I wanted wine. And wine you shall have. What? Is that going to be a problem for you? You're just as bad as they are. Oh, come on. Who? John, Zebedee, Bernie, Simon, and Peter.

Ah, your apostles. Miracles are serious business. They're exhausting. They're not just some party trick. So, you'll make do with cocoa then? I suppose. Good choice. You won't regret it. Now here you are.

Here, look at that. Thank you. Cheers. What's this? What? This is foul, man. Everyone who drinks this cocoa will be thirsty again. Are you pulling my leg?

This cocoa is divine. It tastes like... like the tears of an angel. It doesn't. I know. But you know. Yes. You've leaked an angel's tears. Don't ask.

Well, um... So, let's say we manage to bring you to the Middle East, stage a persecution, Joey and Salvatore donning some old-fashioned robes and pretending to be some good old-fashioned evil Romans. We nail you to a cross, you bleed dry, we lock you up in a cave there's a secret room in the back of the cave with a blood transfusion system. We place a big stone in front of the cave. The stone is made out of styrofoam. You escape and fly up. I can't fly. You can't? Oh, what a shame. Then what do we do? Oh, I know.

Maybe someone simply discovers the open cave and spreads the rumor that you came back to life and floated heavenwards. It's not year zero. If it's not on YouTube, it didn't happen. Oh, right. I mean, surely you can kit me out with some kind of drone shoes underneath my robe or something. You know, yes, that would actually make your robe flap nicely in the wind. I wonder if Luke Dougal can design something. Then, when I reach heaven,

Daddy lets me in to sit by his side where I rule the universe forever. Case closed. Genius. Great, but over to another crucial question. Can you pay? I come from a wealthy family. I thought you came from a poor family and that your dad was a carpenter. You're mixing me up with the fake one. My dad's in showbiz. We're loaded. Perfect for us, but for you, isn't it hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven?

What do you mean? Well, they say it's easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. If you're that rich, do you reckon your heavenly slash biological daddy will let you in? I am he who lives and was dead, and behold, I'm alive forevermore. Basta. Amen. Case closed. And I have the keys of Hades and of death. Is that what the H stands for?

What? Hades. No. No. Hans? No. No, of course not. Hilma, maybe.

Or Harold. Humphrey. Halbert's a good one. No, no. It's Humperdinck. It's Humperdinck, isn't it? I'm right, it's Humperdinck. No, no, but on a serious note, we do have a problem, though. What? Well, it's been done before, hasn't it? How many times do we need to go over this?

The other one was a charlatan. He was pretending to be me. The fact that this happened before I was born is neither here nor there. Well, I'm afraid that here at Amelia, seeing as we are not celestial beings like yourself, we are sadly limited by the constraints of chronology. In fact, if you are a celestial being, why can't you just fix this whole ascension thing yourself?

I'm the son of man, remember? I'm only human. I bleed just like y'all. Well, yes, but in the Bible it does say that... Fuck the Bible! Oh my. It's the wrong Bible. In the new Bible, which is gonna be about me,

there'll be a chapter called the Gospel According to the wrong Bible. In the new Bible, which is gonna be about me, there'll be a chapter called The Gospel According to the Coco Man, and it will be all about how the Son of Man had some fantastic helpers who aided his holy death and resurrection. How about that? Well, that does sound rather tempting. Um, wait, wait.

Who's going to write it? I was thinking Stephen King. Oh, he's good. Who's going to write it? I was thinking Stephen King. Oh, he's good. He's very good. He is. The problem, though, according to our records, is that we have done this disappearance once before. Well, hell, man, it should be easy. That's great. Apart from the fact that we really don't like repeating ourselves. Say that again.

Here at Amelia, we don't like to repeat ourselves. Ha ha ha ha. Gotcha. Touché. Um... So, let me get this straight. Hmm? You're faced with the Lord of Heaven, and you're gonna refuse his case?

Christ in a poker game, you are insistent, aren't you? Yes! I'm the son of God, goddammit! Alright, okay. Prove it to me. What? That you are the Son of God. The fish tank over there. Walk on water. You're joking, right? Nope. If you are God, I obviously can't refuse you. But if you're an imposter, then fine You're heathen

Watch me and believe You just take the chair Yes Yes sandals, yes, of course Don't don't mind about the lid, you know, throw it off there. It's been broken a couple of times before. We have spares. You need to limber up or something first.

No? No? OK. Good. Here we go. Wonderful. Watch it, fishes. Yes, watch it, fishes. About to be stepped on.

Jesus H. Christ Christ you're actually walking Are you okay Hello H Here let me help you up and don't worry about the fish. I'll get some new ones it just hello What in the name of Joey Salvatore Oh Joey Alvina fish fish Alvina fish Amelia Amelia anyone anyone good, somebody quickly come. They're everywhere. What the devil is going on here? Kozlovsky, Kozlovsky. Code Flipper, Code Flipper.

Oh, God, somebody help me. Oh, God, I can't believe this is happening again. Oh, this smell of fish, fish, fish. Oh, I'll never get this out of the carpet. Good Lord, this was supposed to be an easy day. Stay tuned for the epilogue, but first, the credits. This episode was written and directed by Einstein Ulzberg Braga and Philip Thorne, with audio editing by Philip Thorne, sound design by Adam Raimonda,

and music by Frederick Barden. The episode featured Alan Bergen as the interviewer, Jason Nemore-Harden as H, Stan Morris as Joey and Fernando Tiburini as Salvatore. The episode was recorded at Norddub Studios in Oslo with studio engineering by Harold Linderbricker and remote engineering by Dominic Hargreaves.

Production assistance by Mati Patsival and graphic design by Anders Pedersen. Thank you so so much to all of you who support the show via Patreon. It's thanks to you that we can make future episodes of the show. And a special shout out to our super patrons, that's Heat312, Rodney Dollegge, Jem Fiddick, Alban Assant, Amelie and Alison, Stephanie Weitenhiller, Raphael Eduardo Vifas-Varastaki, Ashlyn Brand, Alison Froh, Patricia Bornwagner, Thank you all. Nitali Aurora, Emre Cebi, Posh Baby Rentals Florida, Lee and V. Huardine, Mr. Squiggles, David Livingston, Celeste Joes, and Tony Fisher. Thank you all so, so much.

If you would like to become a patron, get access to a big back catalogue of bonus content, and get new bonus content as soon as it's released, and speed up the launch of Season 5 Part 2, go to ameliapodcast.com and click on support the show. You can also find transcripts, pictures, videos and info on the cast on our website. You can also find us on Twitter, Tumblr and Instagram. And now, the epilogue. 4093? Il Salvatore, Gesù. 4094? You killed Cristo. I did not! Cazzo, you did!

He was a fake! He walked for a beat, only for about five seconds. He just stumbled on the filtration system. What? He's the son of God and he was felled by a filtration system? 4099? 5000? What? and he was felled by a filtration system. One thousand and ninety-nine? Five thousand? What? Five thousand! There are five thousand fishes!

That proves it, Christos Piacenti. Forgive us our sins. Coincidence. It's a coincidence. God, my head hurts. Ah, see? I didn't kill him. Scusa, Il Salvatore. Il Salvatore, are you alright? Can I get you anything? A Scusa, El Salvatore. El Salvatore, are you all right? Can I get you anything?

A painkiller, maybe? The Fable and Falling Network. Where fiction producers flourish. You start with your own breathing. Match the rhythm of the breeze that carves the canopy, the birds and bugs chirping in set intervals. Feel the subtle pulse rising up from the ground beneath you. To wander is to dance with the forest.

But the forest isn't just the partner. She's the music, the style, she's the rhythm. She's the set of ancient steps and movements that have been passed down from one dancer to another. She teaches you to dance the dance she invented to the music she's singing in a tonal system she thought up one night as it pleased her. You breathe and you listen and you wait for your place, your first step, the call to wonder. The Wanderer is a new fairy folktale podcast from T.H. Ponders, a member of the Fable & Folly Network. Listen to the show by searching for The Wanderer in Apple Podcasts or by visiting www.callofthewander.com.