The Amelia Project - Hopscotch - Listener voicemails!

Episode Date: August 20, 2022

A compilation of disappearance requests from listeners and fellow podcasters. If you would like to be featured in one these compilations, call us, or send an audio clip to [e-mail] and tell us how you want to disappear! The piano cover of the theme was created by Karen Estifa, you can follow him on Instagram at @karenestifa_piano Among the callers you heard characters from other fiction podcasts call in! Here they are in order of appearance: The Carlötta Beautox Chronicles Madame Magenta Where The Stars Fell Diary of A Space Archivist Who Is Cam Candor? If you're looking for something new to listen to, check out these shows! Thank you to all the callers! Transcript and info on cast & crew and how to support the show on our website! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Summer's here, and you can now get almost anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. What do we mean by almost? You can't get a well-groomed lawn delivered, but you can get chicken parmesan delivered. Sunshine? No. Some wine? Yes. Get almost, almost anything delivered with Uber Eats. Order now. Alcohol in select markets. See app for details.

Cold tapes. A gripping crime story that will chill you to the bone. You know, life on the base means, well, it's close to six months without light. That does things to people that study that he was doing to watch us and then set off us like mice around this special little experiment how many people are on this space 16 on this one someone amongst them is our killer experience cold tapes the murder mystery podcast game. Start your investigation where you get your podcasts. Hello, it's Pip, and on behalf of the whole Amelia gang,

I'd like to wish you a happy new year. We're on a brief hiatus at the moment, and we'll be back with the next regular episode on Friday the 28th of January. But we're popping up again here with another one of our voicemail compilations. This is the third of these that we've done. There was one called Verve Clicquot in season one, another called Dog Appearances in season three. And in today's instalment, we've once again collected some of the most intriguing voicemails

which listeners have left us on our genuine Amelia Answerphone. It is real and anyone can call. What makes today's compilation different and unusual is that this time we also received quite a number of messages from characters from other fiction podcasts. So if you're a fiction podcast fan, see which ones you can recognise. We'll reveal them all at the end and you can see how many you got right. Even the musical theme for today's episode is a listener creation. Last time Caroline Mink sent us a wonderful a cappella version, which I still go back to and listen to whenever I need some cheering up. wonderful acapella version, which I still go back to and listen to whenever I need some cheering up.

Today you'll hear a piano cover of the theme by the Iranian pianist Karan Estifa. He originally posted it on Instagram and tagged us. We loved it and asked him for permission to play it for you, which he kindly granted. You can check out his Instagram for yourself at karenestifa underscore piano. And now, without further ado, let's get started. Congratulations, you've reached the Amelia Project. This phone call isn't happening. If you're not serious about this, hang up. Now. Still there?

If you continue, there's no way back. The choice is yours. Good choice. A new life awaits. If you do not hear back, please consider the whole thing a hoax. Leave your message and your email address after the beep. Thank you. My name is Johnson Jack Jefferson. And I need to disappear. I'm a competitor in an underground

hopscotch tournament, high stakes. It gets bloody down there, real bloody. Okay, well, I was supposed to throw my last match, but I just couldn't do it. Those white squares, they sing to me when I'm out there. I just, it's a feeling that I just can't describe, but I just couldn't. I couldn't throw the match, and now they're looking for me. They're hunting.

or the match and now they're looking for me. They're hunting. I don't know if I can make this out on my own, but I need your help. So if you could just help me, that would be great. Hello there.

My name is Samantha. I am an American woman, age 30 something, and I work as a virtual assistant. I'm calling because I would like to disappear and start a new life. And I've heard wonderful things about your agency, in terms of who I would become or where I would go. Well, I'm open. I just don't want to do this virtual assistant gig anymore. It's exhausting. Siri, what time is it?

Siri, where is the nearest dragon fruit smoothie to me? But the worst? The absolute worst? Siri, tell me a dad joke. How many stupid dad jokes does the human species need? And then there are the perverts. You can't believe the sick things they ask. So the bottom line is, I need a new life. Pronto. Yesterday. Hurry, hurry. Lick a d-split. Lightning fast, bob's your uncle, if it helps, i'm told i have a pleasant phone voice, i can be an actual assistant, maybe i can answer your phones, i know you already have someone, but what if she wants a vacation, here's my audition, you've reached the amelia project, if you've reached us by mistake, up hang up see i'm good right anyway that's my request if you can help just say the words hey siri into your phone i'll get the message trust me is is this really emilia i need your help i wrote a story a completely made-up story with no basis in truth that I was aware of, but now I'm being investigated by at least four different police forces that I know of,

and also there's some guys in black suits and sunglasses who refuse to identify who they're working for. They're asking so many questions. I've had to leave my house every day this week. I just want to hide away somewhere and write my next project and not have to talk to anyone else for at least six months. I don't care how you do it. Just please put me somewhere quiet. Amelia? Oh, dear God, I hope it's you. I'm in desperate need of your services. And at this point, I have not much else to lose. My girlfriend just broke up with me. My boss has had me fired. They say my condition was too much for them. They all think I'm totally wired, but I've never done a drug in

my life. Well, at least nothing with this kind of effect. I just woke up like this one day, and now everything is totally wrecked. I can't tell you why this happened. I'm truthfully not even sure. I mean, I did piss off a witch recently. Shit. Do you lot think I'm cursed? I don't know much about curses, magic potions, hexes, or spells, but surely you can help me. potions, hexes, or spells, but surely you can help me. Please, I need to break out of this living hell. You see, it started just after I met the witch, and for a while I didn't mind, but now I'm going absolutely bonkers. If you hadn't noticed, I can't stop talking and fucking rhyme. It's taken me over completely, and I feel like such a schmuck. Please, Amelia, I really need your help. Okay, talk soon.

Oh, fuck! Oh, bloody hell, it's an answer machine. I never know what to say. Bernard, you do it. You're in a better position to explain the situation, dear. Just say who you are and... Oh, right, fine. Hello, I am Magenta. That's Madame Magenta to you. And I am... Oh, I don't better position to explain the situation dear just say who you are and all right fine hello i am magenta that's madam magenta to you and i am oh i don't know many things do i hate this i refuse to be defined by my job well it is rather pertinent to the issue my dear fine i am a fortune teller and medium a real one unfortunately very powerful and sexy Dave is barking. He might need a wee. Let him out, dear. Oh, yes, all right, dear.

Right, OK. Enough flim-flamming. Here's the situation. My first husband is dead and I want him out of the house. Oh, if you're confused, you just heard my second husband, Bernard. Say hello, Bernard! Hello! Who is very welcome here. But my first husband, Derek Actually passed to the other side some years ago In a very suspicious skydiving accident

But he's recently reappeared In ghost form, obviously And is demanding I do all sorts of illegal things Or he's threatening to haunt us forever I can't live with two husbands I'm not a Mormon I don't think Mormons do that, dear. Oh, you're back. Did Dave need a wee?

No, he was barking at Derek, who's apparated by the bird bar. Oh, he's back again. This is what I'm talking about. Anyway, I hear you get rid of dead people. Or something like that. Is it? I may have misheard. I don't know. Anyway, so that's what I want you to do. Get rid of my dead ex-husband. Strictly speaking, I'm not your ex-husband. We never got a divorce, did we? Derek, just bugger off! Hey, it's me. I just want to make sure I have the right date down for when you need me to come in. It's the 14th, right?

A big storm was about to hit, one of you called me and she was breaking up a lot, so... If that's not the day I'm supposed to get buried in cement, let me know. I... Hold on. What did I tell you about touching my equipment? Yes, I did remember to secure the centrifuge. I... Okay, just call me back if I got the date wrong. Thanks. Listen to me very carefully.

I have the corpse of a goblin in my basement. I'm not supposed to have the corpse of a goblin in my basement. The government cannot find out that I have the corpse of a goblin in my basement. I need to disappear before they find that out. Ο κυβερνήτης δεν μπορεί να βρει ότι έχω το κομπί του γόμπλου στο σπίτι μου. Θα πρέπει να αποτυπώσει πριν το βρουν. Με πείτε αν μπορούμε να κάνουμε δουλειά. Μπορεί να έχετε το γόμπλο παντρεμένο. Βάλε, τραγουδιά. Τις λίγες το βάθος είναι ασφαλής. Γεια! Θα πρέπει να με βοηθήσεις. Vale, tranquila. At least the bathroom is soundproof. Hello!

You have to help me. If you don't, they'll kill me. Or steal my identity. Or both. Or neither. Likely worse. Sorry, I'm rambling. I'm Marla, I'm a Spanish writer and I've been in a bit of a plug-block for the last five

years. Yes, so-so. So I write these rarely complex characters, but I have no stories for them, so I just have to leave them at Grand Character Central and they are all alone and they have become more twisted and traumatized than me and that's said a lot. I can see them approaching. Well, the situation is, my characters have unionized against me, their own mother, and they are coming after me. So please help me disappear, just send me to any place, I don't care.

Well, it has to be a big city, I can't do small places. Also I cannot simply stop grinding, so what if I give you my characters as payment? I mean you can use them in your line of business. I'm sure of it. Oh no no no they're almost here! Please call me back! Hi! My name is Sam and I have a question. Archivist Samantha Lyons.

Not now, Cal. Archivist Samantha Lyons. I'm using the postbox. The alien life form is registering an unusually high volume of time fluctuations. Time fluctuations? That is correct. Look, let me just finish this message and we'll get back to your timey-wimey stuff, okay? Right. This is Sam, and I was wondering where you stand on extraterrestrial life forms and your capacity to hide their hypothetical selves.

Welcome to Samantha, lions. Oh, Cal, I'm nearly done, okay? I'm nearly done, okay? You see, the corporation wants to... Well, I'm sure you can imagine, be evil and stuff. And it would be nice if Pug, that's the alien, wasn't murdered. Oh, Professor, what about the lions? Oh, yes. What about the others? Others? Oh, yes. What about the others?

Others? Oh, yes. So we're actually talking about several alien species. Of an unknown number. Yes, yes, yes. Of an unknown number. Could they all have their deaths faked somehow? Right, so yeah, get back to me. Thank you. Bye, thank you, thankaked, somehow. Um... Right, so, yeah, get back to me.

Thank you. Bye, thank you, thank you, bye. Bye. See you then. Bye. Pup? What are you doing with it? Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's the last of the curly whirlies, Pup! That's the last of the curly whirlies!

That's the last of the curly whirlies! Psst. Psst. Hey. Psst. Amelia. E-beams. I do have sort of a problem. I did something a bit

deppert and need someone who would reach under my arms. I was chatting with some people on Tinder and because I'm not the best horse in the stable, I decided to agree on any date. I was sure no one would come. This idea was probably not so yellow from the egg because all of the Tinder people showed up. And they seem a bit off-rest now.

Verzeihung, wie bitte? Stephanie? Nein, tut mir leid, kenne ich nicht. Tinder? Nein, die Tinder kenne ich leider auch nicht. Amelia? Psst. Annie, du Posho. Fast.

Hello there. This is BK Will. I am an investigative journalist and the host of a true-ish crime podcast called Who is Cam Kander? The Search for a Missing Audio Drama Creator. I'm calling on the off chance that perhaps the Amelia Project helped disappear this prolific creator back in 2020. You see, Cam Kander vanished around that time, and there are a host of theories about what happened to the artist. And your agency, well, it's one of the more popular theories floated.

Now, I know for confidentiality purposes, you probably won't tell me, but hear me out. I'm asking not that you tell me where Cam Kander went. It's more just to confirm that they're still alive. There's yet another theory that Cam Kander never existed at all. You see my predicament. I'm hoping one of the kind-hearted people at your agency will help me. That may sound presumptuous, but I know definitively that you are kind-hearted people. How? Well, it's because of the cocoa. I have never met a bad person who drinks cocoa. It is not the beverage of choice for the average sociopath. I did a white paper on this once.

Long story. Anyway, perhaps I'll call again and try to get a real person on the phone. A real cocoa-drinking, kind-hearted person. Winkink wink. Thank you to everyone who left us a message. If you'd like to leave us a message with the possibility of being featured on the next compilation, call our secret number which you can find in episodes 10 and 30, or send an audio clip to implodingfictions at gmail.com. Did you recognise some other fiction

podcast characters among the callers? In order of their appearance, here they are. Siri, but not our Siri, it was the Siri from the Carlotta Botox Chronicles. Madam Magenta from the hilarious podcast of the same name. Ed from Where the Stars Fell. Sam from Diary of a Space Archivist. And BK Will from Who is Cam Kanda. These are all shows we love very much and we'll put links to them in the show notes. We'll be back on the 28th of January with the episode Jackie Williams. In the meantime, you can keep up to date by following us on Tumblr, Instagram or Twitter. And there's plenty of bonus content for you to catch up on by becoming a patron. If you want to do that, go to ameliapodcast.com.

And of course, we're super grateful for every single person who decides to support us. For now, goodbye, au re Network, where fiction producers flourish. Hi, Jenny, what's up? Do you hear that thunder where you are? Oh yes, amazing, isn't it? No, it's quite scary. Do you think there will be a terrible storm? No darling, it's just an announcement from Thunder's Mouth Theatre. You know, poetry, passion and philosophy, all that stuff.

Oh really? I thought they were producing audio fiction as a podcast nowadays. You know, like theatre, but on the air rather than on the stage. Am I old yet? No, Mum, of course you aren't. Don't be silly. I'm talking about the podcast. That's what it's called, Am I Old Yet? And it's more than three years old, and that is pretty old for an audio fiction podcast. And no, I'm not being silly. yet and it's more than three years old and that is pretty old for an audio fiction podcast and no

I'm not being silly for goodness sake Janie how old do you have to be before you can call yourself old no don't answer that it's a rhetorical question just head over to amioldyet.com to listen to the podcast mom Janie isn't that the one about us oh yes didn't I say