The Amelia Project - The Alvina Archives 1 - The Maltese Falcon

Episode Date: May 27, 2022

This is the first minisode of the Patreon bonus series "The Alvina Archives." The full series (with new instalments every two weeks) is available by joining our Patreon. More info here! The Maltese Falcon features Julia C. Thorne and Alan Burgon, written by Philip Thorne with music by Fredrik Baden Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Summer's here, and you can now get almost anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. What do we mean by almost? You can't get a well-groomed lawn delivered, but you can get chicken parmesan delivered. Sunshine? No. Some wine? Yes. Get almost, almost anything delivered with Uber Eats. Order now. Alcohol in select markets. See app for details. Hello, it's Philip, and today we have a special treat for you. We're going to play you the first episode of the Alvina Archives. The Alvina Archives is a special Patreon bonus series that we make which shows life at the Amelia offices from Alvina's perspective. It starts with Alvina

having just arrived at the Amelia project and meeting the interviewer for the very first time. So that's the episode we're going to play you now, and it's called The Maltese Falcon. Enjoy. Come in. Hello. I'm Alvina. I, uh... Is this a good time? Please, take a seat.

Thank you. Coco? Um, sure. Alvina, you said? Yes. And what brings you here tonight? Um, she didn't tell you? Who?

Amelia. Oh, she probably left a message somewhere, but I don't bother with any of that. I like to be surprised. Okay. So, please, tell me your story. I like to be surprised. Okay. So, please, tell me your story. I... No, wait.

First try the cocoa. I... I insist. Okay. Mmm. What do you think? I'm more of an Earl Grey girl myself, but I must admit, this is the best cocoa I've ever tasted. So, how did Amelia find you? You really don't know?

I have a lot of cases to keep track of. Do you know how many clients I've seen today alone? One. Excuse me? Theo Birtwhistle at 6.30pm. That was your only appointment today. How the devil did you know that? Amelia gave me the client list for the week.

But that's so unprofessional. Oh, I really need to have a word with her. So, um, the two of you are close? Well, she did help me to get rid of my boyfriend's corpse and flew me safely from Samson during a thunderstorm, so I'd like to think that gives us a certain bond, yes? Ha! Peanuts. What? We've extracted clients from far more precarious situations.

We nabbed a Saudi princess from her husband's yacht in a submarine. We parachuted an ex-prime minister off the Tokyo Tower. We smuggled a prima donna out of Milan via the sewer system and helped countless clients cross the Berlin Wall in cars, coffins and hot air balloons. Well, what may be run-of-the-mill to you was special to me. So, you murdered your boyfriend and you need to disappear. What? Jesus, no! But I thought you got rid of your boyfriend's corpse.

Yes. Why? It was starting to smell. Yes, but why not entrust the corpse to an undertaker? Because I'd kept his death a secret for several weeks in order to impersonate him. Oh, well, colour me intrigued. Sorry, I really thought you knew about all this. No, no, no. Tell me everything.

I'm all ears. Oh, we don't have to waste time with that. It's all in the report. Which report? I made a detailed report about my disappearance. You'll find a transcript of the dictaphone recording of Amelia's interview with me, pictures of Ronald's corpse, aerial shots of my house collapsing into the sea. You're speaking as though your disappearance has already taken place. of my house collapsing into the sea. You're speaking as though your disappearance has already taken place. Well, it has. Then what are you doing here?

I wanted to collect the recording of Theo Burtzwissel's interview. I can get it typed up and add it to his file by daybreak. What? I also thought it was high time I got to know you in person. Sorry, your name was... Juliet... I mean Alvina Wright. That's still going to take some getting used to. That name was... Julieth... I mean, Alvina Wright.

That's still going to take some getting used to. That name means nothing to me. I've been here for three days. Three days? Doing what? That. What? That. On your desk. This?

Do you even know what that is? Some junk that Amelia told me to... What does it say on the front? Case file for Theo Bertwistle. 18th of February, 2012. Compiled by Alvina Wright. Oh. I've been compiling your case files for the last three days.

Are you telling me you haven't read any of them? When you came in here, I thought you were a client. At 4am in the morning? We keep unconventional hours. I don't believe this. At least now I know why you never responded. Responded to what? Each time I completed a case file, I stuck a post-it note inside asking when I should come and introduce myself. I didn't want to just intrude, you know, in case you were in the middle of working out a disappearance or something. But I didn't expect three days to go by without any response. Yes, well, as it happens, your

instincts were absolutely right. I am very busy. Then I heard you pacing around down here and thought, this is the moment. He's still working, just like me. There won't be any clients or calls at this time of the night. It's the perfect time to finally get acquainted. Only, I'm very busy. Very busy indeed. Very, very busy. Then why did you ask me to come in?

Because I thought you were a client with a story. Oh, so you've got time for a client, but not for getting to know your new colleague? Colleague? She must have told you. Amelia said nothing. No, no, no, no. She said something about an intern. Intern? Or secretary. Secretary. Or something like that, but I thought I'd talk her out of it. Why? Why what? Why are you so hostile to the idea of having a partner? I mean, haven't I proved that I can put together a really detailed case file? Nope. Don't answer that. I have my own way of doing things. I think that's why Amelia brought me here.

She's not happy with the way I work. It's not that. It's just... Who's she to criticise me? Your boss. Boss? Boss. I was here long before she was even born. Oh. I just thought that since it's called the Amelia Project... Of course.

The other Amelia, her grandmother. I've been here since before her grandmother. Then... Look, I don't have time to go over the history of the company with you. As I said, I'm very busy. Doing what? Making paper aeroplanes. Ha ha.

It's true. I've perfected my eightfold Bulldog Dark Deluxe with a dihedral angle which allows it to perform a double looping, then boomerang right back to me. Um... Don't believe me? Um... I'll show you. Like so, and so, and so.

There we are. And watch it. And go! Pas mal, n'est pas? That was impressive. You want to have a go? Okay. Here.

Hold your wrist like so. You want the launch angle to be just so Okay And throw Wait What? This paper Is this?

This is yesterday's case file for Tampetis Now let me show you the Thunderbolt The plane that won the Red Bull Paper Wings World Finals in 2011. Hey, stop that! That fear-bird was also... Oh, case file. You know, maybe these files will come in handy after all. Do keep them coming. You know what? I will. Hmm? I'll keep them coming.

But... You know what? I will. Hmm? I'll keep them coming. I'll keep on going about my research as meticulously as before, and you'll have the new files on your desk at 6am every morning. But... Whether you read them or make paper airplanes out of them is entirely up to you, but the files will keep coming. You're not going to get rid of me that easily. I can be stubborn too, you know. Oh, God, what was your name again?

Alvina Wright. Wright. Wright. So I guess that's our meeting done. Um, Alvina? Yes? Maybe there is something you can do for me. What's that?

A secret mission. Shoot, I'm listening. I'll write down directions on this scrap of paper. Right, there you go. You'll have to cross Finchley Road. It'll take a good 15 minutes to get there. When you arrive, there will be a man named Mustafa. Tell him the Maltese Falcon sent you. The Maltese Falcon? Yes, a codename. He'll know what to give you. Okay. You want me to set off right now?

Oh, without delay. I'm on it. Good luck, Alvina. Thank you. Oh, and... Yes? I'll prove myself. Just you see. Yes, okay, okay. To-to-to-to-to-to.

Good Lord. Right. Amelia? Amelia, what is this? I've just had an annoying little pipsqueak in my office called Alvina something who seems to think she's my partner. No, no, no, no, no. We've been over this many times, Amelia. It's you, me, and Kozlovsky.

We keep our circle small, and we're not a nursery. I mean, how old is she anyway? Kozlovski. We keep our circle small and we're not a nursery. I mean, how old is she anyway? Well, I've just sent her to the all-night petrol station at Swiss Cottage to get Maltesers, and I'm going to change the code on the door before she comes back.

You hear? I never want to see her again. Understood? The Maltese Falcon was written and edited by Philip Thorne with music and sound design by Frederick Barden. It featured Julia C. Thorne as Alvina and Alan Bergen as the interviewer. Graphic design by Anders Pedersen and production assistance by Marty Patival. The Alvina Archives is available to patrons of the show as from the $5 tier, so if you sign up today you'll get immediate access to the next two episodes, you can join us for a video livestream performance of the first three episodes this coming Friday, and

you'll get new Alvina Archives episodes every two weeks. Patreon is basically like a subscription service whereby you make a donation for an amount that you think is appropriate per new regular episode. That can be $2, $5, $10 or more and in return you get all sorts of perks. Depending on the tier you choose that can be the Alvina archives, video live streams, shoutouts in the credits, episode dedications, personalised case files and more. The money goes directly towards paying everyone involved in the show. It makes our work more sustainable and means we can make more seasons in the future. So if you enjoy the Amelia Project and want us to keep faking deaths and crafting new identities, please do consider joining our Patreon community today.

Each new sign-up makes us so happy and I can genuinely say you'd be making our day. For more info and a video introduction to Patreon, go to ameliapodcast.com and click on support the show.