The Amelia Project - Victor Hugo's Table - Halloween Special

Episode Date: October 27, 2023

"What is it with great writers and ghosts?" You know Les Miserables and The Hunchback of Notre Dame, but did you know that Victor Hugo owned a haunted writing table? He used it to channel the spirits of Plato, Hannibal, Rousseau, Aristophanes, Joan of Arc, Galileo, Lord Byron, Dante, Socrates, Alexander the Great, Shakespeare and even Jesus! What happens when this haunted artefact makes its way into the hands of the Amelia gang? Listen to our Halloween Special to find out... Featuring Alan Burgon, Julia Morizawa, Julia C. Thorne, Stan Morris, Fernando Tiberini and James Oliva. Written and edited by Philip Thorne, with story editing by Oystein Ulsberg Brager, sound design by Alexander Danner, theme tune variation and Franz Liszt / Rosemary Brown pastiche by Fredrik Baden. Production assistance by Maty Parzival, graphic design by Anders Pedersen. Website: https://ameliapodcast.com/  Transcripts: https://ameliapodcast.com/season-5  Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ameliapodcast Donations: https://ameliapodcast.com/support Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-amelia-project?ref_id=6148 Twitter: https://twitter.com/amelia_podcast Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ameliapodcast/ Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/ameliapodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Your teen requested a ride, but this time, not from you. It's through their Uber Teen account. It's an Uber account that allows your teen to request a ride under your supervision with live trip tracking and highly rated drivers. Add your teen to your Uber account today. Summer is like a cocktail. It has to be mixed just right. Start with a handful of great friends. Now, add your favorite music.

And then, finally, add Bacardi Rum. And there you have it. The perfect summer mix. Bacardi. Do what moves you. Live passionately. Drink responsibly. Copyright 2024. Bacardi. It's trade dress and the bat device are trademarks of Bacardi and Company Limited. Rum 40% alcohol by volume. The Amelia Project would not be possible without the generous support of our patrons. Today's Halloween special is dedicated to super patron and professional hacker, Natalia Aurora, who has requested a death via a CIA assassin dropping her from the Space Needle. She will assume a new

identity at the Amelia Project itself, working in tech support. Good luck explaining the googly to the interviewer, Natali. As payment, she will give us the key to encryptions of all the software infrastructure running banks in the US. Thank you to Natali and thank you to all our patrons who pay us for the work we do and without whom we couldn't release new episodes. If you'd like to become a patron and support future episodes, go to ameliapodcast.com and click on support the show. We would be really grateful. We hope you enjoy the Halloween special Victor Hugo's Table. Hang up. Now. If you continue, there's no way back. Good choice. A new life awaits.

You'll hear back from us within the hour. If you don't hear back, please consider the whole thing a hoax. Leave your message after the beep. Kepala Thank you. Let's turn the record. Ah, much better. Now, where were we? Run out and get a box of sardines, ordered the boss of the Washington Press. I've got a nickel. I can't let you starve. I lived three months on them. Look at me.

Yes? Just me. I was wondering if... Why is it dark in here? Why have you lit candles? Is there a power cut? No, no, no, no. No power cut. Ah, Alvina. You're here too.

Great. I was actually looking for both of you. No! Don't turn on the light! Ah! What is that doing there? What? The severed foot on the couch.

I told Kozlovsky to keep all limbs in the freezer in the basement, not strewn around the office. It's unhygienic. Oh, don't worry, Amelia. It's not... And speaking of hygiene, you need to give this place a sweep. The cobwebs are disgusting. No, we're creating an atmosphere. And you just ruined it by walking in here and turning on the lights.

It's spooky season, Amelia. Uh, Halloween isn't for another four weeks. Exactly. Spooky season. I thought in the States you're obsessed with it. I grew up in Japan. Is that skull filled with cookies? Freshly baked. Want one?

Yes, please. Mitzi's Golden Pumpkin Cookies. Mmm. Yummy. So what were you going to ask us? Just wondering if you wanted to come to the White Bear for drinks. Joey, Salvatore and Walter will be there. Oh, normally I'd love to, but...

We're actually in the middle of something. In the middle of what? Reading a book. We're taking it in turns. I read a chapter, he reads a chapter. What are you reading? Mark Twain. Mark Twain?

I love Mark Twain. Can I join? Oh yes, this could be like our own little office book club. Which one is it? Huckleberry Finn? No, no, not Huckleberry Finn. Okay, which one then? I've read them all. Jap Heron. What'd you say? Jap Heron. Jap Heron? Yes. Yes. Yes. Oh, but he did. Absolutely not an early work.

1917. 1917. So that would place it... Hang on. What? Mark Twain died in 1910. Didn't he? Yes, he did. Uh, are you saying you faked the death of Mark Twain and he kept writing under a new name?

No, no, sadly he died for real. But he wrote this book after his death? Indeed. So I don't get it. What's the joke? No joke. Huh? Mark Twain had a keen interest in parapsychology. He even had psychic abilities of his own. You're going to claim he wrote this book from beyond the grave? Yes. What? It's true. That's nuts. Wait, did you make this up? Absolutely not. The spirit of Mark Twain dictated the book

to the medium Emily Grant Hutchings and it was published in 1917. Twain's publisher sued the medium. The medium wanted to call the spirit of Mark Twain to the stand to support her,

but unfortunately the court ruled out testimony by Ouija board. Is that how the book was written? Ouija board? Yes! Isn't it exciting? And after Jap Heron, we're doing The Mystery of Edwin Drood. What's that? The last novel of Charles Dickens.

Huh. Dickens died halfway through writing it, leaving no notes to solve the disappearance of the main character. Luckily, in 1873, Dickens dictated the continuation to the spiritualist Thomas P. James. So let me get this straight. This is a book club for books dictated by ghosts? Yes. It's a Halloween project. You don't actually believe in it, though, do you?

The spirits of Mark Twain and Charles Dickens and whatnot contacting us from beyond the grave? Of course I do. Yes, of course you do. I meant Alvina. I don't know if I really believe it, but it's fun to suspend your disbelief at this time of year, don't you think? Well, I'll leave the two of you to your literary hooey and enjoy a black sheep ale with the rest of the gang. Mind if I take some cookies for them? Sure, take the whole scuffle. Thanks.

Though I should warn you that I got the recipe from Beyond Delicious, the Ghost Whisperer's cookbook. A Ouija board recipe book? Mary Ann Wienkowski contacted over a hundred ghosts for the book. Yesterday I made Ted's coconut kisses. Tomorrow I think I'll make Lisa's lemon sour bars. You don't think that's creepy? No. I think keeping people's memories alive through their recipes is rather beautiful, actually.

Sure, if it's an apple pie recipe handed down from your great-great-grandmother. But transcribing a recipe from some random ghost? I mean, who knows its intentions? What if it tries to poison you? You said it was all hokum. Anyway, I know my cinnamon from my cyanide. You sure you'd rather sit in the dark reading dubious books than go for a beer? Yes.

Okay. Suit yourselves. Bye, Amelia. Oh, you want me to turn the lights off again? Yes, please. Well, have fun. Oh, you want me to turn the lights off again? Yes, please.

Well, have fun. Somehow I don't think we'll convert her to the joys of spirit literature. No. And we didn't even tell her about my very favorite case of ghost whispering. Which one was that? Rosemary Brown. Listen. Which composer is she channeling here? Franz Liszt. He first contacted her in 1922 when she was seven years old.

And she really had no musical training? No. Yet she transcribed complex new compositions by Chopin, Schubert, Bach and Mozart. Wowing musicians around the world. Leonard Bernstein invited her to his hotel and watched her channel a fiendishly complicated new piece by Rachmaninoff. It's a very strange case. There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.

Shall we get back to Jap Heron? Let's. Jap surveyed him apprehensively. I'd hate to be so thin, he complained. And I don't like sardines nor any fishes. My dad fed us on them every day. All us wanted to buy donuts. Can I buy them? Yes, what is it, Salvatore?

A big package. Addressed to you, signor. Oh, on Halloween! Perfect timing. Guess what is it, Salvatore? A big package. Addressed to you, signor. Ooh! On Halloween! Perfect timing. Well, bring it in, Salvatore. Come on, bring it in, bring it in. Ha ha ha! Oh, my!

Thank you, Joey and Salvatore. You can place it over by the bookcase. No! What's wrong? We're stuck! In a spider's web. Oh, um, that. It's a big spider's web. You got a tarantula in spider's web. Oh, um, that. It's a big spider's web.

You got a tarantula in here? No, no, no, no, sorry. You see, I actually draped that over the door. Yes, I should have warned you about it first. Why did you put a spider's web over the door? I'll help you untangle yourselves. I just... You sure you don't have a tarantula problem?

Yes, uh, uh, Salvatore. That's my hair. Because a tarantula bite is no joke. Right, there you go. You're free. Now, if you could just put the box down over by the book. Whoa, whoa, whoa. There's still some around your leg. Whoa. Whoa.

Not my new Roger Pilkington set. I just had that replaced. Is the box okay? I got shards of porcelain in my bum. Kozlovsky will pick them out and bandage you up. Now, what about the box? Let's take a look inside. Careful, careful. It's an antique.

Don't put that there. What is it? It's a haunted artifact. It's one haunted artifact. It's one of the most coveted pieces of spiritualist memorabilia in the world. It beggars belief it was on sale. And for a pittance, too. Ci siamo quasi.

Just look at it. A table. What makes it so special? Well, you see, this table used to belong to Victor Hugo. Who? Hugo. Who? Hugo.

Who? Hugo. Who? Hugo. Who? Hugo. Who? The hunchback of Notre Dame.

He was a hunchback? What? No, no, no. Oh, God. Hugo wrote. Look, don't tell me you've never read The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Does it have car chases in it? Does it have... I mean, we're talking about a masterpiece of Gothic literature from 1831. Yes, but does it have car chases in it?

Right, Joey. Salvatore, please tell me you know the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Of course. Yes. Phew. So Victor Hugo worked for Disney. Right. Here we are.

Here, catch. Ouch. Why'd you throw a book at me? It's Notre Dame de Paris. Sorry, I only have the French original. But read it. You're going to love it. I promise you. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! What are you doing?

That table is over a hundred years old. It's a piece of junk. What? See? One leg is shorter than the others. Don't put your cocoa cup on there, or else... Now, listen. The biggest risk to crockery in this room is the two of you. Now, deep breath.

Off you hop. You've got some reading to do. Adopo, boss. Oh, hello, you two. Wait, have you got a book? What are you reading, Joey? Something about car chasing. The Anchebeck of Notre Dame.

Victor Hugo? Oh, does that mean... Victor Hugo's table! Has it arrived? Yes, here it is. Oh, wow. Just in time for Halloween. Yes. Can I touch it?

Oh, yes, go for it. Oh. Can I touch it? Oh, yes. Go for it. Can you believe this is the actual table Victor Hugo used when he was exiled in Jersey? I know. The table on which he wrote Les Miserables? I know.

Hey, guys. I just saw Joey with his Nozna book. A French book. Do you think he's okay? Got some new furniture, I see. Do you like it? A three-legged table. It looks... wobbly. Not very practical. It's Victor Hugo's writing table! Seriously? Victor Hugo? Shouldn't it be in a museum? How did you get it? It turned up in some clueless Belgian's garage. He put an ad out for it.

Can you believe it? How unlikely. I'm sure we could get a fortune for it at Sotheby's. Yes, but we have to study it first. Study it? It's at this table that Victor Hugo conducted his conversations with the dead. What is it with great writers and ghosts? Hugo actually started out a staunch skeptic. And then what happened? He discovered absinthe? No, he discovered this table. He would sit at it every night and be

visited by the most amazing guests. Plato, Hannibal, Aristophanes, Joan of Arc, Galileo, Abel, Lord Byron, Dante, Moses, Socrates, Shakespeare, Alexander the Great, even Jesus. He would conduct fascinating conversations with these spirits and note them down in his journal. How did the ghosts communicate with him? One table leg is shorter than the others. The spirits communicated by moving the table. One tap for yes, two taps for no. Hmm.

They could also spell out words. One tap for A, two for B, three for C, four for D, and so on. That must have taken a very long time. You know Shakespeare dictated an entire play to him. No way. Yes. Shakespeare's final comedy, written 200 years after his death

and transcribed by Victor Hugo. But didn't Victor Hugo hate English and refuse to learn it? Yes, you're quite right. When England wants to chat with me, let her learn my language. But luckily, Shakespeare dictated this play to Hugo in French. Oh, convenient. The bard told Hugo that he now acknowledged French as the superior language. Of course. According to his journals, on some nights, when a really strong connection had been

made, the table would even start spinning or lift up into the air. Ooh, perhaps now Victor Hugo will use the table to send us another novel. A sequel to The Hunchback of Notre Dame. It is possible. I was joking. You really don't believe in spirits, Amelia. Hello? Spirits? Are you there?

No, I don't. I know what you mean, Amelia. I was also a natural skeptic. Still am, really. But some of these stories are really weird. I mean, take the case of Arthur Conan Doyle, for example. You know during his memorial at the Royal Albert Hall, a chair was left empty so his spirit could attend.

And apparently... Did you just... What was that? Yes. What was that? It was nothing. That was definitely something. It was. It was. It was the table. It was. You leaned the table. It was. You leaned against it.

No, I didn't. Yes, you did. I swear I didn't. I don't think she did. Well, it's a wobbly table. It wobbled. Big wobbly deal. It's just... it's such a coincidence. A coincidence? What's a coincidence? You asked a question and...

No, I didn't. Yes, you did. You said, hello spirits, are you there? Oh, come on. You don't seriously think... Hello, table. Can you hear me? Oh. Okay. That was a bit weird. But it just wobbled.

Come on, pull up some chairs. Let's sit around it. We're sitting around the... Yes, we've made a connection. We have to maintain it. See how far this goes. Right. Come on, everybody. Sit down.

Okay. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God. Okay, so what do we do now? I don't know. I've never done this before. Okay, so I think we all have to place our palms flat on the table. All right. Like this? This is ridiculous.

I know it kind of is, but we should at least try, right? I mean, if we all use this table to communicate with Plato, Hannibal, Rousseau, Aristophanes... Oh, it would be nice to reconnect with Aristophanes. I mean, an Aristophanes comedy for the 21st century. Now, that would be quite something. Or maybe Mitzi could give me tips on how to improve those cookies. Oh, yes. Or maybe it's just a wonky table. Well, let's ask it.

And how do we do that? Hello? Is anyone there? I told you... Shh! Shhh! How long are we going to... Shhh! Okay, this is enough. If a spirit was here, they would have shown themselves by now.

You moved it! No, I didn't. Well, I certainly didn't. Well, I certainly didn't. Anyway, you asked the question minutes ago, so how is this even connected? I... I think... it seems to respond better to you. What? To me? Yes, ask it something, Amelia. Okay, uh, hello, Mr. Ghost. No, no, no, no. If we're going to do this, you have to take it seriously, Amelia. Okay, okay, okay, fine. Hello?

Are you there? Um. That was a yes One of us One of us probably just moved the table Subconsciously, but That was a no Holy fuck

You're sure you're not moving the table? No No Let's keep going We mustn't break the connection I'm not sure that I like this Go on, Amelia Ask who it is.

Who are you? Three taps? What does three taps mean again? A, B, C. It's a C. C, C, C. Chaucer? Cary Grant? Cleopatra? Whoa, whoa, whoa. What is happening?

I can't keep count. Oh, my God. This is... Insane. How many was that? I think 12? 13? 13 would be M.

C-M. That doesn't make any sense. Well, 12 would be L. Cool. Cleopatra. It is Cleopatra! It is Cleopatra! Are you Cleopatra? No. Oh, that's a pity. She was such an entertaining woman.

What? You're not going to claim Cleopatra was a client, are you? I am. Oh! What? Client! Yes? Client. Yes? Client. What?

Are you... Are you a client? Oh! The Fable & Folly Network supports creators of exceptional audio stories, including the one you're listening to right now. If you love our shows, we want to hear from you. Complete our listener survey at fableandfolly.com slash survey.

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A client from the beyond. How could we possibly help them? We're the best in the business. Sure, but... What do you want? What do you want? What do you want? Do you think we frightened it away? Why would a ghost want to fake their death?

They're already dead. You're right. It doesn't make any sense. Ghosts come back to play pranks, right? To console loved ones or to take revenge. Not... What does that mean? I'm right. This is a prank?

Something to do with a loved one. Revenge, then. Yes. Yes. You were murdered. You want to take revenge on your murderer. How can we help you get revenge? Hang on, that's not really our department, is it?

We're a death-faking agency. Maybe we can branch out. Help clients from the beyond exact revenge. Doesn't that sound exciting? Aren't ghosts quite capable of doing that by themselves? How do we fit in? Look, do you want to help this poor ghost or not? What do you suggest we do?

First, we need to find out as much as possible about its demise. Who killed you? What? C-D-E-F-G-H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-P-Q-R-S-T-U. You. Uriah? Uriel? Ulysses? Yudo? Well?

You. Just you? Huh. Maybe a codename? You, you, you, you... Uh, you don't think... What? You... What you mean... I mean...

That you means... Us? Oh, that's ridiculous. Yes? That was a yes? It's us? Oh, that's ridiculous. Yes? That was a yes? It's us? We killed you?

But I... This... There must be some mistake. Oh, I've got it. What? It must be a former client. See? A former client. And we faked their death. Oh, phew.

But now they must have got themselves killed for real and... Is that true? You mean we fake killed you? No. Huh. So... We... We really... really killed you. Are you sure you haven't got us mixed up?

There are certain other so-called death-faking agencies out there who take the cash, then bump off their clients for real. It's scammers like that who give our industry a bad name. But here at the Amelia Project... Amelia. Yes? You're trembling. What is it? Tony DePas Amelia. Yes? You're trembling. What is it? Tony DePasqua. Sorry?

Tony DePasqua! The Mafia boss, remember? Of course. I'm gonna count to three. After three, you'll be dripping off the wall like Bolognese.

One. One. Two. I really dislike firearms. Two and a half. You shot him. Yep. I shot him. I was very impressed with how you shot down that bastard. Shh.

He might be in the room with us. Shame on you, Alvina. Oh, what a cold-blooded thing to do. It was self-defense. You think the ghost of Tony DePasqua cares? Um, are you... Tony DePasqua? No.

No? No, it's not Tony. Have we killed anyone else? I don't think so. Actually, yes. I don't recall his name, but there was that guy who hid in the closet. You locked him in, remember? Oh, wait. Alex!

His name was Alex! Remember, he'd put his wife through a wood chipper. Oh, no. No, no, he was a psychopath. Alvina, he's like the love child of Norman Bates and Lady Macbeth Not boring then You got us into this, Alvina Now get us out

I got us into this Did I come out yet? Yes, you're supposed to research clients so we don't I don't know Invite someone in here who might chop us into pieces and bake us in a pie I'm having difficulty breathing I'm supposed to do the background checks Yes

Welcome the clients to the office? Draw up their contracts? Yes. Bribe them into secrecy? And make your bloody cocoa? Yes! It's too much! Oh, fuck.

What was that? I think he just fainted. We better open that door. No! No, Alvina, he's a killer! He kills people! Don't open that! Is he...?

I think you just killed him. Oh. Hmm. Well. Rightio. That's that sorted, then. Good timing, actually. Kozlovsky needs a replacement corpse for the Langsbury disappearance, and Walter at the morgue can't get one till tomorrow. Good. Shall we bring him straight to the basement, then? You take the head, and I'll take the feet. Alex?

Is that you? Oh, shit! We didn't mean to kill you, Alex. I locked you into that cupboard for your own safety, to keep you hidden, and then... Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, stop, stop, stop! Alex, please, please! Whatever it is, we can work this out. We didn't mean any harm. Make it stop, make it stop, make it stop, make it stop!

You find it amusing that we are being haunted by a psychopathic killer? Don't say so! Wait, I mean... I'm sorry, Amelia. She really fell for it. We just wanted to see if we could make you believe for a bit. Oh, it was a prank. So you were moving the table.

Yes. I, I... And it worked. But you look so scared, Alvina. Yes. That really was great acting, Alvina. Yes. That really was great acting, Alvina. Oh, you two are terrible. To be honest, we were really lucky with the falling teacup and the wind.

Yes, yes, that really added something. At the moment there, I was genuinely spooked. It really felt as if we'd conjured up a genuine spirit. Haha, don't milk it. No, that wasn't me. Yeah, of course not. Was it you? Me? No.

Oh, ha ha, very funny, Emilia. What? It was you. You're trying to get revenge. No! Or maybe it is Alex trying to get revenge. Stop it. Right, everybody, raise your hands. Okay, and move the chairs back a bit.

No touching the table with your feet. So here goes. Are you real? Shit! Well, strike me like a bongo. Is it? I think it's lifting off. No, we can't let it. It might hurt someone. Press bong girl. Is it? I think it's lifting off. We can't let it.

It might hurt someone. Press down, everyone. Press down! Well, that was a really smart idea, bringing a haunted artifact into the office. We hanged it by using it for a prank. We're sorry. We're truly... It's moving away!

It's... It's... Oh! It's... It's... Oh, God! Oh, God! Stay tuned for the epilogue, but first the credits. The Amelia Project is a production of Imploding Fictions. This episode featured Alan Bergen as the interviewer, Julia C. Thorne as Alvina, Julia Morizawa as Amelia, Stan Morris as Joey and Tony DiPasqua, Fernando Tiburini as Salvatore and James Oliva as Alex. The episode was written and edited

by Philip Thorne with story editing by Einstein Ulzburg Braga, sound design by Alexander Danner, music by Frederik Barden, production assistance by Marty Patsival and graphic design by Anders Pedersen. Right now we are deep into the writing of season five part three we're super excited by it and we would love to go into production soon but we do need your support this show is funded by listeners like you so if the show brings you joy consider paying us for the work we do all we're asking is the price of a cup of cocoa when we release a new episode you can set up a running pledge over on patreon by going to ameliapodcast.com and clicking on support the show. Thank you so much to everyone who is already supporting the

show. It means so much to us and a shout out to our super patrons. That's Celeste Joes, Heat312, Rodney Dulleghi, Jem Fiddick, Alban, Sant, Amelie and Alison, Stephanie Weidnehiller, Raphael, Eduardo Vifas farastaki allison throw patricia born wagner bryce godman cliff heisinger michael west tom putnam diana birchenbreiter tim mcmacken blithe varney parker percy sophie h natalie aurora lee and the huardine mr squiggles david livingston tony fisher tibby florian byers k Kourtney Mays-Renson, Boo, Jackie B, Helia Hazel, Yebra Diaconito, Mark Skrobenek, Astra Kim, Olivia Dodson and Philip Hansen. And now, the epilogue.

Can you make it move? Certo. Spin? Absolutely. Fly up into the air? We like a challenge. Great. And you can have it ready by Halloween?

We'll do our best. After it flies into the air, can it explode? No more indoor explosions, Salvatore, remember? What a fest. What was that? No explosions, understood. Good. Now, I'm going to put this on his desk.

Want to take bets on how quickly he orders the table? What's so special about it? Nothing. I picked it up for a five-rater yard sale. But I just faked an ad claiming it's Victor Hugo's writing table. Victor who? Hugo. Who? Hugo.

Who? Hugo. Who? Hugo. Who? A famous writer. He had a haunted writing table that could channel spirits, or so he claimed. It's just the sort of thing Arthur and Alvina are going to lap up.

Once the mechanics are ready, we'll box the table up and you can deliver it to his office. This is going to be so much fun! See you later, boys. Hey, see ya's. Ciao. Do you know this Vincent Hugo? I think it was Vigo. Nah, I'm pretty sure it was Vincent.

Hey, what was that? You pushed the table. No, I didn't. Yes, you did. No, I didn't. What? A ghost moved it? Mamma mia.

Hello? Are you a ghost? Mamma mia. Are you... Are you... Hector Hugo? The Fable & Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish. The human shape in the corner of your room is just your laundry piled on a chair. But as you hear the ghostly, ragged breathing that doesn't belong to you, you realize your brain is dead wrong. If you love the mix of horror, mystery, and comedy in shows like Buffy,

Ash vs. the Evil Dead, or Supernatural, you'll feel right at home on The Crit Show, a Monster of the Week actual play podcast where the players, playing as themselves, are tasked with being the last line of defense from the forces of evil that go bump in the night. Join us every Wednesday and learn the games we play while the gang tries their best to solve the mysteries, hunt the monsters, and protect the innocent. Their intentions are good. Their dice rolls, not so much. You can find The Crit Show at thecritshowpodcast.com or wherever you listen to podcasts.