The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - A Holiday Sausage Express Delivery with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: December 24, 2024

Don't miss The Hallmarque Channel's newest Christmas classic, "A Very Special Holiday Sausage," premiering Christmas Eve! When the gorgeous neighborhood delivery guy, Lance, turns his attentions to recently-divorced Katya, she brushes it off as mere flattery. But when she sees the look in Lance's eyes as he hands her the bulk delivery of anal lube she orders every Christmas, it's clear he wants to give her more than just a cardboard box. As he turns to leave with a mischievous wink and a smile, the encounter awakens something deep inside her smoldering loins; a desire, a lust, a growing demand for steamy passion delivered express overnight. She closes the door and instantly feels a deep and animalistic need for the juicy holiday sausage hiding within his khakis. Katya's friend Trixie tells her it’s time to "get back on the horse" post-divorce, and what better horse to ride than the tantalizingly sexy Lance? This Christmas, watch Katya learn that delivery drivers truly are experts at getting big packages into tight slots. You owe yourself a trip and trips are always better with Airbnb! If you want more space, more privacy, a better location, and the most loved homes, check out https://Airbnb.com or download the Airbnb app! To get Mint Mobile's new customer offer and your new 3-month unlimited wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month, go to https://MintMobile.com/BALD Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to: https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out future Live Podcast Shows, go to: https://trixieandkatyalive.com To order your copy of our book, "Working Girls", go to: workinggirlsbook.com To check out the Trixie Motel in Palm Springs, CA: https://www.trixiemotel.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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I have to tell you guys, I had not been to Wasaki, Wisconsin in so many years since pre-COVID and I went up there last month. And of course, my whole family moved to Milwaukee. You guys know, I bought my mama house and so everyone years since pre COVID. And I went up there last month. And of course, my whole family moved to Milwaukee. You guys know, I bought my mama house. And so everyone lives in Milwaukee now. So I had nowhere to stay. And there's not even like hotels in that area.

It's such a small area. So I got on Airbnb and my host Jodi, hi Jodi. She probably doesn't listen to this or know who I am, but she made it so easy. Her cabin was beautiful. It was like right in the middle of my small town sitting exactly where it was. The wifi, the heating, and it was like a family cabin.

So it had a bunch of like, you know, DVDs. You know, when you go on vacation, you just like watch, you know, movies with your family. It was perfect for staying a couple of days. It had everything for cooking. It had knives. Like because it's a real family's cabin, I didn't have to bring anything.

In my suitcase, I packed a pan, I packed like a spatula, because I thought it'd be cooking breakfast, and they had all of that. It was so nice. You know, it was just perfect for me, and it slept eight, but honestly, it was so affordable that I just got it anyway. So instead of a bunch of kids' beds being used and stuff,

it was just like, had a full bedroom. It was like perfect, perfect for me. I could have never achieved like that experience of like relaxed and everything kind of provided for me if I'd stayed in a hotel. I mean a hotel in rural Wisconsin. So check out Airbnb.com or check out the Airbnb app. Download it. I cannot recommend it enough. Trips are always better with Airbnb.

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Are you home at 1pm on a Monday? Nope. That's a girl. This whole fucking country signature required to stay at 2pm. Oh, what do you mean? You're not home. Oh, you have four jobs to try to, you know, you know, Girl, this whole fucking country. Signature required. Tuesday at 2 p.m. Oh, what do you mean you're not home? Oh, you have four jobs to try to, you know, you know. Ding dong, Thursday, 11 a.m.

I'm the UPS man. Signature required. Mary, my blood is boiling. I know, it's... Well, can I tell you what else? What about essential medicines? What? My little, my arthritis shot

that I have to get once a month. I can't get it shipped to me because I have to, what, be sitting home all day to receive it. I'm arthritic, but not that arthritic. You know what I mean? They can't, they don't, that's, well, that's crazy. Cause I have my medication delivered. Yeah, but it's a shot.

Oh, who can we call? It's just, and then also any package, any anything, it's being delivered today. I hope you're home between the hours of 8 a.m. and 8 p.m. to receive your package. That, so my luggage was lost yesterday. I had one, my giant drag bag on a different flight. How does that happen?

How does that happen? Different flight. A later flight. I don't know. Was it United? She was shy. That bag was so shy, she's like, I don't wanna go yet. Was it United? He was shy. That bag was so shy. She's like, I don't want to go yet.

Was it United? Of course it was United. You're not even United with your own bags on United. No, okay. You're trying to be reunited. I spent an hour on the phone last night with a robot. Texting with a robot. I was like, this is enriching. This is very lovely. This is giving me pleasure. Hi, Megan. Megan, can I have my bag?

It took me like 45 minutes to get to a person who tried to get me back with the robot. I was like, not today, ma'am. Not tonight will I eat my noodles. No. I just... I gotta talk about noodles next. I don't want to talk about the airport all the time, but it is all we do. It doesn't matter where I'm going, where I'm coming from, where did you come from, Cottenhigh Joe?

The flight to or from LA, the freaks come out tonight. The freaks come out tonight. It is, there was a woman across from me, she was an A and I was an F, or whatever, so I was across the whole aisle. Because on Dell, that's A, B, C, D, but otherwise it's like A, L, semicolon, number one.

They're really differently named seats. Wait, did you play United? Yeah. Mama, I was in a middle seat in a business class the first time in my life. What is that? So they had, this is like, you know, first world problems, whatever.

They had two, so the row goes like one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. It was a big plane. So there was like four of us in the middle. I don't like that. I don the middle. I don't like that. I don't either. I didn't like it at all. And then they had people- That's catfishing.

They had people facing the other way. That's catfishing. Isn't that strange? That's like when the trade has one of those Bass Pro Shop hats on and he comes over to your house and he's like, hey girl, you know, pick a storyline bitch. Bass Pro Top, that's what I want. Bass Pro Shop hat? Like what I want. Bass Pro Shop Hat.

Like a real thick and juicy. What if I just started singing that whole song? I would hear it and listen to it and be there for you. Thank you for a piece of that bubble. Oh, not that one. Oh, what were you singing? I thought it was something else. Oh, I was singing Baby Got Back.

Baby Got Back, yeah. My anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns, hun. Yes. Oh my god. Well, that's Nicki Minaj. Look at her butt. These are different songs, which is confusing, because songs now are songs that existed. Time goes by, so slowly. Not slowly enough.

Right. Okay, here we are. Girl, the flight across from me, she, I mean, sometimes I'm like, there's two types of people I see on the LA flights all the time. One of them is straight guy, black cat, black hat, black cat on his head. Black hat, black wayfarer song, black jacket, black shirt, it was computer. Okay. Right. It's like, you're just describing me without the computer. Oh, are you a filmmaker? It's always like the outfit. Are you an indie? Yeah, are you an indie?

Are you running Final Cut? Ooh. I'm finding it very difficult to profile you at this moment. Yeah, are you working for an ad agency? Ooh. It's like so corny boots. You know, I wanna look over and see like a Richard Simmons type guy in a clown wig going like yes

That's what I want. And then the the woman from LA is kind of two classes, but it's um Older blonde wore men wore men swollen cheeks trout pout the face is collapsing monogrammed Onesie or full pick Oh more importantly more important person Let's see what he says More important person Get him to say Slur What?

Get her Jade Hello you're on the Bald and the Beautiful Hello my own friend Hello friend Say hi to the girls Hi girls Country music zone. Orville pack. How are we today?

And what do you want to just say your phone number real quick? So everybody can reach out. What was that address again? Cherimoya Avenue. 6969. Can I call you later? Yeah, please. I hope you're having a nice chat. Love you. Ladies. Miss you. I hope you're having a nice chat. Love you, ladies. Miss you.

I love you. Bye. Goodbye. I knew it. I know he was gonna, you know what he was gonna do. Say a slur. Say something very, very off color. What was it? I'm not exactly sure. I thought he was gonna say high slur or high faggot.

Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. But then he went Miss America on us real quick. Yeah, he was like, oh, hi. Thems and ladies and gentle thems, persons of interest in the local area. What about this woman on the flight,

which I wish I saw more of, yoga in the aisle? You know how Wimbley used to do lunges down the terminal? What about yoga in the aisle? Well, can I say in her most flexible days, most flexible, there would be this thing you would do where in the seat, she would bring the legs straight. She would hug the ankles to the face on the flight. It's because you gotta stretch your body out.

This, I mean, I shift so much. I put the, I gotta do arching, I gotta do twisting. It's like, if you're like, especially if you're like so flexed like this for like four hours. It's hard. It's horrible. It's like, if you're like, especially if you're like so flexed like this for like four hours. It's hard. It's horrible. It's bad.

But this woman, I was next to this woman. I had the window seat. She was in the aisle. She couldn't get up. And she really wanted me to know why. Well, like it was, I don't know, she was injured and she wanted to tell me all about it. But I did not care.

Like she had this look like, like, I can't get up, so you just have to go over me. Oh, I love that. I was like, that's fine. I don't want to know about it. I don't want to talk to you. I'll just scoot over. She, every time I like, and then when we were deplaning,

she was like, you know what I love on the planes too? This is what I love. It's you and I like the window seat. No shit bitch, cause I don't get up. But when I do have to pee, when it's that once a day, when I gotta let loose that hot oil, you know what I mean?

And the person next to me, always like an older guy, always a bigger guy, does this. I'm like, can I get up? And they go, Oh no, no mama, we're not doing that. So I'm like, We're not doing that. I'll be your red line special.

Cause I'm not, He had it coming. If you're going to make me climb over you. No. You're going to get like the, Oh, I'm sorry. Yes, I would like a tea. Can I have a water and a tea?

Did you need something from the restroom? Girl, girl. Cause I'm not like, I'm not doing, I'm not Gabby Douglas. I can't do a sprint. I can't do the jump over. This motherfucker, it's so funny you said that. This short like guy, he did this the whole flight. He's like, hey, hey, hey. I was like, what?

But so he was like 5'8". And I, so I wanted to do this, because I was in the aisle. I like swing my legs over into the aisle. I think that's fine. No shit. He didn't want that. He wanted, he was like, he was hell bent on not inconveniencing me. So he just wanted me to do that because he's a little shorter and smaller.

I was like, no, I don't like that. But now I've tasted your hole. Right? So I got up and he almost told me to like, he was like, you don't need to get up. I was like, I'm getting up because I don't want you to straddle me you fucking weirdo. No, no, no, no, no, don't get up. Yeah. But the whole flight, he was like, hey. I was like, what?

Like, what? He's pointing up. We're in the air. Yeah. Yeah. I just smile and I have my headphones on. I'm like, my body language indicates nothing social. We're interested in you right now.

It's just so crazy. Also, for some reason, this flight yesterday, normally, you know, maybe we get recognized by maybe a flight attendant, and we'll get recognized the most if we're together. Yeah, yeah. Because it's like, that can't be, I guess it is. And also a lot of flight attendants are gay. Gay, right?

So this one, this was crazy. I'm going to blow everybody's fucking mind. This woman came up to me at the... What was it? Where were we? Madison. Madison Airport. I've never flown out of Madison Airport in my life. Because I'm always just drive back to Milwaukee, whatever. No, that was Chicago. This woman comes up to me and she goes,

I saw you checking your bags and I wasn't sure if it was you, but I have to say I'm a huge fan. And of course she's a fan of ours, so she's gorgeous. She has big, beautiful almond eyes. Like young, beautiful girl in the prime of her life. OK. And she's in one of those. But she's in her work drag, so it's an orange sweater,

or orange vest, because she's from the runway. Oh. Kind of like me. Oh, the thing, yeah. She's in her work drag, but I'm like, oh wow, I bet you when this girl puts on a little pussy dress, she lets the girls have it. Yeah.

But she's in the cargo pant. You know, she's in the. She's, yeah. Or the riveter. I go, I bet you when this girl puts on a little pussy dress, she really has it. Yeah. But she's in the cargo pant. You know, she's in the riveter. I go, what do you do? She said, you're going to feel me on your flight. I said, what? This grip?

Like, imagine the grip. She said, I'm the one who pulls back on the flight. I said, what are you talking about? Pouring out for the pullout. And the devil laughs. So... Wait, she's the one who what now? She told me that when a flight pulls back, do you know this? What is pullback?

So, you know, they close the boarding door and they go, put your seatbelt on and the flight attendants sit down and there's a before the flight can fly forward, it has to back away from the airport. Okay. She says most commercial planes can't back up and she drives the little machine that pulls the plane backwards. It has to back away from the airport. Okay. She says most commercial planes can't back up. And she drives the little machine that pulls the plane backwards. Imagine the grip.

Yeah, I think she just grabs it with her pussy lips and crab walks backwards. Yeah. But I, all my years of flying, I did not know planes can't back up. I had no idea. I thought you just reversed, they have the camera, like the Lexus and everything. So she was like, she was like, when you feel the plane go backwards, like, think of me. I'm down there pulling the plane.

Think of my hot grip tight pussy, like pliers on that plane. Yeah. Damn. And I guess she told everybody on the plane that there was a quote unquote famous person. So the flight attendant took a picture. And then the flight attendant comes up and goes, sir, put your bag underneath this.

And he goes to reach and then he goes, your bag's fine, I just, I wanted a reason to stop and say, it's great to have a famous person on the flight. And I said, there isn't a famous person. I'm like, I'm not. It's just me. Yeah. I'm not that person.

And he goes, I don't know, you know, I don't, I'm gonna have to Google you. But he didn't know. No, he was just like, it's great to just have a famous person. Wow, just generally famous. Just generally famous. Well, so when't know? No, he was just like, it's great to just have a famous person. Wow. Just generally famous. Just generally famous.

Well, so when I was in Madison, I went out with Avi to lunch and he counted. I got recognized 10 times. Yeah. Well, College Town. It was wild. Beyonce and Madison. Yeah, it was a little weird because half of them were very like... Violent?

They were a little dramatic. A little disruptive. The crying? A little embarrassing. Yeah, but the other half were like, just chill, whatever. Sometimes I just keep, if I hear something, I have a sixth sense that's just hearing. And I like, I kinda, you know. My favorite is when people go like, let's say their sister's a huge fan, and they go,

Oh my god, my sister's gonna die! And I go, that's sad. I tried not to sneeze and that's what happens. Let's take a break. Today's episode of Ball in the Beautiful is brought to you by Airbnb, baby. I have had such fabulous experiences at Airbnb. You guys, there were drag queen tours that I was on where instead of using hotels on every stop, we used Airbnbs. Like sometimes it would be like, I remember it was like me, Kennedy, like a bunch of the

drag queens staying in people's houses, like sitting in their living rooms watching TV. Can you imagine? But it was so nice because it was like hanging out with a bunch of your friends and like a, you know, when we tour and we have hotel rooms, we don't really see each other. It was like kind of a family environment. It was really fun and sweet.

Airbnb has so many options. I like that, like it's kind of a grid map view where you can just click on it and look at the price. I like that all the check-in information is really easy. I recently stayed in an Airbnb in Wasackie, Wisconsin. And my stay person, what do you call it, my host? My host DM'd me the check-in, the lockbox, made sure everything was taken care of before I left.

And the heat was nice and strong. It was perfect for visiting my small town that I grew up in, it was perfect. If you want a nice space, you want privacy, you want a nice location, I mean, beautiful loved homes, some of them are people's vacation homes, some of them are people's apartments and houses while they're out of town.

Check out airbnb.com or download the Airbnb app that's a-i-r-b-n-b.com. You guys, I recommend you just get the app on your phone. It's perfect. Take it from the queen of relaxation, me. You owe yourself a trip and the trips are always better with Airbnb. This episode is brought to you by Mint Mobile.

Like a Grindr date with a 50 year old whose profile picture looks suspiciously like a 25 year old Chris Hemsworth, big wireless providers seem to always offer a deal that's too good to be true. You end up saying to yourself, there's gotta be a catch, which is exactly what everyone thinks when they see Mint Mobile's wireless plan for $15 a month when you purchase a 3 month plan. But guess what? There isn't a catch. Mint Mobile's secret sauce is that they sell wireless service online, so they don't have to worry about the cost of retail stores or salespeople. Instead, they deliver premium phone plans directly to you and pass along all that savings. Listen people, over the years I've tried every wireless provider in existence. The bills were needlessly complicated, the fees were ridiculous, the service was meh. And to top it all off, the monthly up

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for just 15 bucks a month, go to mintmobile.com slash bald. That's mintmobile.com slash bald. How do we recover from that? How do we move forward in the show? above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan, additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. See Mint Mobile for details. How do we recover from that? How do we move forward in the show? How do we move forward in the show? Oh! Okay. She said, my friend's gonna die. That's tough.

I'm sorry, she's gonna die. Then you take out your malt liquor and you pour one out for the sisters. For the homies, F in the chat. What does that mean, F in the chat? I think in video games, if you like, give your life for the team, for the win, it's like respect. Like, you know what, that person died.

F in the chat for the shooter, mama. You know about that Italian shooter? I do, and I'm afraid to participate in that conversation. I'm not gonna, we're not praising him. The only thing I will say is that I don't know whether he committed that crime or not. What I do know is that he is hot and sexy. Just like many other hot and sexy people.

And that's all I'm gonna say. Right. Someone said, if the body is tea, you must set him free. I saw one comment that was like, all night, all day, on the floor, sugar walls, blown out, mind bending, world ending, like people describing the type of sex. Are people so horny? all day, on the floor, sugar walls, blown out, mind-bending, world-ending, like people describing the type of sex. Are people so horny that a distant photograph

of a murderer, potential murderer, is what gets them going? No, here's the thing. This is a very significant assassination. For sure. This is a very significant assassination in our age. And we are so fucked up as a country, assassination. For sure. This is a very significant assassination in our age. In our, we are so fucked up as a country and so online that all we can do is say,

Ooh, I'm going to fuck that man. Are Italians white? Right. It's, you know what I feel? My participation, I fear our fans so much because I fear criticism, that level of criticism about every single thing we do at all times. And so when I... I'm just observing what I see. When I comment on news things, I'm like Tokyo Tony, where it's so in and out. I'm like, well, whatever it is and what it may be, I'd hate to be in her shoes right now.

I just say something cutting... You're Tokyo Tony, you're trying to sell your front lawn. Right. You're trying to rent your front yard. Did you see that shit? No. She's like, we have these stairs. It's just the front of her house.

And you can have a function here. Or look at all this. It's a yard. You can have a banquet. Oh, she's trying to do like Airbnb or something. Who's getting married on Tokyo? My wedding reception was on Tokyo Tony's front step. And it's so drab and humdrum and not spectacular.

It's amazing. I was like, what is going? What is going on here? That's I mean, if you watch enough like home and home design, home interior, tick tock shit, eventually the people are like, welcome to my home. And you're like, baby, that's two pillow shams and a dead plant. Get off the Internet. Log off. Oh, log off.

You know what I mean? Like, you're not making your brownies from a box and be like, see, you guys wanted my recipe. Yeah, right, right, right. We don't have to jump to... But, ooh, great segue. You know what I did today? I fucking made and hung some curtains.

Wow. Because I had... QA. QGIF true. Where'd you hang them? Um, I don't know. No, yeah, over the window. Inside.

Because I ordered some curtains. This is a riv't know. No, over the window. Inside. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I ordered some curtains. This is a riveting topic. People are going to be love this. But, like, you know, I had all this fabric. Because if you think about curtains, very expensive. Right. Think about fabric.

Quite cheap. Curtains are the rub. My my. Healthcare and curtains are like the rub. Sweetie, the CEO of Curtain.com, better watch out. I have health insurance and lately I've been like, should I just put away that money every month? Like if something, if I really got sick,

do I really believe a health insurance place is gonna come through for me? I don't know. So should I just be saving the money? Yeah. So that someday if I am sick, I'm like, oh good, I've been saving money for my illness. You know?

I think it's a scam. I know it's a scam. I know it's a crock of shit. And I know it's not great anywhere. You know what I mean? Like socialized healthcare is not like exactly the ticket either, but it's also better to not have it be a business model. Well, for profit for sure. Yeah. I mean, everything is a business. Everything's a business. Education and healthcare.

Whether or not it's for profit. Yeah. And like when I was doing Queen of the Universe and I had to go to the hospital, I didn't have to pay in the UK. And that was nice. But when you go to the UK and you like do comedy as we do, and you joke about must be nice at the free healthcare,

the girls will be like, let me tell you something. You wait three years for an appointment. Right. So I do think in America, we're like, must be nice. Well, you can buy a doctor. You can buy a doctor. Here? Yeah.

Oh, if you're a Vanderbilt, you have a doctor, you have an MD on call 24 hours a day. You know what I mean? Last week when I was really sick, I told you, I'm not gonna talk about it because if you guys came to the live pod, you heard about all the illness, but I got so sick. I had a nurse come to the house

to do the Zofran and the so sick. I had a nurse come to the house to do the, the Zofran and the IV drip. Did she analyze your diarrhea? Why do you think it was a woman? Because all nurses are women? Because you said she. I did? Mm-hmm.

No, I didn't. Yeah, she did. Well, it was a gay guy. It was a gay guy. And she was cunty. But I felt that was very luxury. Because I felt like... Yeah, no shit.

I felt like I'm way too sick to even get in an Uber to go to a hospital. Well, that's the thing. Also, you know what you're going to do when you get to the hospital? Your leg isn't cut off because you weren't in a motorcycle accident. So you're going to sit in the hallway for about eight hours. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Fucking A. When I was in St. Louis, remember I told you about my appendix out there? Yeah. When that happened, I went to the hospital at maybe 1 a.m. And I sat there until 6 a.m. in the waiting room like this. Oh, I guess what? I believe it.

And the commercial that was playing on a loop was for hair restoration clinics. And I sat there bald. And you still haven't gone to Turkey. Damn. No one will take me. Nobody will take you to Turkey. I've been to,

I've been to paradise, but I've never been to Turkey. I can't believe they've never done that as a lip sync on Drag Race. The Carpenters? No. Who is that? Charlene. Charlene? There's no doubt you dream about the things that could... You know what I noticed in Madison?

They paved a parking lot and put up a paradise. What does that mean? You know, paved paradise and put up a parking lot and put up a paradise. What does that mean? You know, paved paradise and put up a parking lot. They did the opposite. You can't pave a parking lot. And put up a paradise, yeah, like a gorgeous hotel. But how do you pave a parking lot? It's already a parking lot. It is paved.

Oh, I guess so. I need you to think before you talk to me. Because this shit don't make sense. Make it make sense, ho. All sense. Make it make sense, ho. All right? Make it make sense, bitch. Wait, my curtains. Okay. So, so these I it was a green stretch velvet. The stretch is not important. We don't want stretching curtains. But it was a green velvet. It was $3 a yard. Okay. That's very cheap. Very cheap. $3 a yard. Is it that four-way stretch velvet like the drag queen gown fabric?

It could be. It couldn't be. I don't know. You haven't seen it. Does she think stretch velvet for something that hangs? It's going to stretch over time, isn't it? Oh, no, no, no. I'm not saying it's ideal. I'm saying it's insane in the moment. She's, she's cute. Did you weight the bottom? Did I weight the bottom? So like the curtains will hang straight like. Oh mama she's hanging straight. She's a bunching quite nicely. Oh nice.

Yeah. So that was like 40 bucks. If that. Are you open to doing some freelance work? No. 40 dollar curtains by you? No, not a chance in hell. Curtains by Caitlin.

But like I ordered some from CB2 and they were like, $120 a panel. 48 by 84, $120, $120. Everything is wild. Everything is so much. Everything's so expensive. Can I just, I don't, I just, this really gets me crazy.

I understand that the gap in like how we make money is greater and greater and greater. I feel that I think like 25 year olds are poorer now than when I was 25. It's harder to have an apartment, it's harder to make money, jobs are more scarce. Inflation is going up. Inflation. Everybody under the age of 24 has those $600 Apple headphones. What? I mean, I see so many of those giant, expensive headphones,

and I said, where do these kids get that kind of money? When I was 24, I didn't have that fucking money. That's a really good point. I mean, those... Also, they all have iPhones. Mary, iPhones are like $700, $800. Honey. Sweetie. Honey. Tootsie.

So, I don't know, those big headphones, I mean, I think headphones are too expensive in general. Also, they hand them out for free on airplanes. Mama, those AirPods, Mac, AirPods, Max's, whatever the fuck they're called, they never turn off. Are you talking about the big ones? Yeah. That's what I'm saying.

They don't fucking turn off. There is no off switch. They're always on. The only way they can turn off is they run out of battery. So they automatically connect to anything. Hate it. Do you hate it? Yes.

They're expensive. Hate their guts. They're very expensive. Yeah, I mean, they're nice, but like, they're not that nice. I mean, the noise cancel on a plane is conty. But the Bose do that. Yeah, they do.

So do the Beats by Dre. And the Raycon or whatever, Raycon, those are fine too. The Raycons are nice. I have those little Apple AirPod Pro things. Yeah, me too. Those are fine. The noise cancel is not near the, it's not like the cans. No.

It's not like, I mean, in those, you can't even hear your own voice. I love it. On the airplane, I don't want to hear about her legs. I don't want to know about his life. Right. Right. Just, like, cancel it up. It's crazy.

It's too much. My packages are getting delivered right now. I think we should leave. You should have done this live from your house waiting for a package. And then maybe the guy shows up. And maybe they... We pull out his big cock. His cock?

And unzip the brown khaki pant. and suck on his balls and his cock. And in the front, she certainly is packing. She's packing the package for the delivery that she's delivering. She's packing peanuts. She's packing peanuts. I I don't have a fantasy about because in my experience, in my experience. Delivery people can't wait to either get away from you. As soon as they see you pick up the package, they're gone.

Also, nothing is worse than them. You stay home all day. They don't knock. They don't call and you walk outside and there's a nerve of them to leave a post note that said, baby, we were here and where were you? That shit pisses me off so much. We were here and where were you? I swear to God, off so much. Baby, we were here and where were you? I swear to God, if I have a ring camera footage

of you doing that and not ringing the bell, I'm exposing you. I wouldn't wanna be in her shoes right now. Tokyo Tony. Tokyo Tony. I just, I love, I mean, the yummy.com guy, wherever you are, I would fuck him. It's a six yearlong fantasy at this point.

Is it the same person all the time? Uh, yeah. For most part. He's not really my type, but for some reason, there's an energy there. I don't think he feels it. In fact, I know he doesn't. But I definitely... In the soap opera of sexual fantasies, he's had many episodes.

With you. Yeah. One is he gets, listen to this. So he's coming with the groceries and a car like speeds through a puddle, drenches him wet. He's only wearing gray sweatpants and a gray t-shirt. Totally soaked, huge dick, totally visible. He comes in, he's like, I'm so wet. And I'm like, I can see that.

We gotta get you some new clothes. Why don't you take those off and you can dry off and use my body as a towel. Right. It sounds woke. The whole thing just sounds really woke. And I just like can't get into that. And also now that the super conservatives

are coming into power, I'm gonna have to wipe my entire internet presence and start off as a- Sounds woke. Sounds woke. If anybody asks, I've been super conservative the whole time, and please don't kill me. True or false, Lana Del Rey is singing at the inauguration.

True or false? I don't know. Huge, if true. If I know her, she likes to be, um... swinging in the old bars, singing with the... I don't know. Yeah, swinging in the old bars, um, hanging out with Jude Law, wiggling my name.

Yeah, kissing in the... Kissing in the rain. Kissing in the blue dark. She really is a great lyricist. She's not? That was the onion. Yeah, it's probably the onion. Who's giving it the inauguration? Can we guess? Let's cast it now.

Oh, the girl from Candice Cameron? Or Kirk Cameron? Candice Cameron, is that the girl from Full House? Yeah, no, I'm thinking of Kirk Cameron. He's conservative. Well, we got Candice Cameron, we got Candice Owens. Oh, yes. Any Candice's.

James Cameron is gonna direct it. Definitely, definitely. Oh, man, you know his movies have made billions of dollars? Titanic, Avatar. Well who's the confirmed, when the conservatives have a rally, we have Beyonce and shit, who do they have? Oh my God, nobody.

Who shows up? Is it like Tim the Toolman-Taylor isn't it? Yes, it's the equivalent of James Woods. Uh-huh! Maybe they'll do like a meme. Like Peppa the Pig. Or like a, you know what I mean? Some like, we've got Meng Dong, what is it?

Moudang? Moudang. Moudang? I don't think it's Moudang. We got Moudang on lock. Moudang is confirmed. We got Moudang. They got that twerking, the twerking panda in the Chinese zoo.

But the liberals would have the spirit of peanut. Yes, pour one out for peanut. Pour one out for peanut. Pink would pour one out for peanut. I thought of you because I saw something crazy on the internet. There you go. Did you see the woman that stowed away

on a flight to France from New York? Yes, yes. I know and I think she's going to get prosecuted. How dare they? How dare they? She was trying to live Le Vian Rose. I know. I know.

And they just let her. It's their fault. They should go to jail. I have a lot of questions. How did she get on the plane if she didn't have a ticket? Thank you. That person should go to jail. Not her. She was living her life.

But they said she stowed away in the upper. The upper what? Didn't she go up in the top? She was flying in the overhead bin. An attic? No, she was not. And they only caught her because she kept going pee. She kept going, getting out to go pee. If you're flying on the plane and you're watching,

sing too or whatever the fuck you're doing, and you look up and you see an old aspiring to be French woman, crawl out of a hole like the grudge. You hit that light. Ding! Hi, no, I don't need any club soda. A woman just came out of the fucking overhead and she don't look French. It's like Deep Red Sky or whatever, that vampire airplane movie.

Crazy. I would try to be debilitatingly French. I would be like, I don't know. Is the people, is it a lie? No, you just hold tight and you cath it up before you try to sneak in there, sweetie. I'll be like, I don't know. Is the people, is it a lie? You know. You just hold tight and you cath it up before you try to sneak in there, sweetie. Amateur hour. If you're going to commit to getting on the legal...

The thing is, I think it's illegal to do in the States. It's certainly illegal to do to other countries. What, peeing on planes without a ticket? No. Like, she obviously, there's some due processes to fly to another country. You and I know what happens if you don't have the right paperwork going to another country. Bleh.

Yes, I do. And I don't know what she thought would happen. Well, I'm curious, what is at stake other than she stole a plane ticket, right? Like, is that, like, what's happening there? What's the crime? Fraud? Well, then there's people in your country, I guess, that...

I guess, internationally speaking, somebody could be in your country, you don't know if they're there, doing crimes, et cetera, doing smuggling, et cetera. Oh, because they're not going through passport control, but she must have, like, intended to. I don't know. We gotta get her on the pod. Get her on the pod.

Patricia, well, I think of her as Tanning Mom, because that's what I think she looks like. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace. If you've been in a coma for the past 30 years, you might not know what a website is or that we now eat entire salads from that green leafy thing that used to be a decoration on the Sizzler salad bar. First off, I'd like to welcome you to 2024, where everything is wonderful and the earth is fine. Second, I want to tell you that you need a website right now. Even though you've never surfed the web

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Again, that's squarespace.com slash bald to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Again, that's squarespace.com slash bald to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Today's episode of Bald in the Beautiful sponsored by Airbnb. Y'all, the holidays are upon us. I have to tell you guys, I had not been to Wasaki, Wisconsin in so many years since pre-COVID. And I went up there last month.

And of course, my whole family moved to Milwaukee. You guys know I bought my mama house. And so everyone lives in Milwaukee now. So I had nowhere to stay. And there's not even like hotels in that area. It's such a small area. So I got on Airbnb and my host Jodi. Hi Jodi.

She probably doesn't listen to this or know who I am. But she made it so easy. Her cabin was beautiful. It was like right in the middle of my small town, so in exactly where it was. The Wi-Fi, the heating, and it was like a family cabin. So it had a bunch of like, you know, DVDs. You know, when you go on vacation,

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Once more, that's aura.com slash defense. Certain terms apply, so be sure to check their site for details. Did you see that the alleged CEO shooter had a letterboxed and people are going through the movies he liked and he saw Wicked? Mary, he liked, he also liked the Lorax. Yeah, and he is, he's like an Ivy League grad.

There's a lot about this alleged shooter that is very interesting. Unlike a lot of... If he gets off, he'll be on Dancing with the Stars in two years. I was going to say, because there's a lot of people really going hard and out for supporting him. If the body is T, you must say, Brie. T. He'll be on House of Millons. Like Candy Ho. No, he'll be on Candy Ho!

Candy Muse. Oh, I wish Candy Ho, I don't think is quite cutthroat enough. They should have the Candylands version of House of Villains. Candy Ho, Brooke Candy, Candy Muse, Candace Owens, Candy Ken, Candy Ken. Everyone. Saw him in a farmer's market. Get out. Had the mega head on. You're joking.

I don't feel like I'm outing him because I think he puts it on the internet. saw him at a farmer's market. Get out. Had the mega hat on. Had the mega hat on. You're joking. I don't feel like I'm outing him because I think he puts it on the internet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I... You're kidding. I was like, oh, I reckon, and he had his baby or whatever.

And I was about to be like, I hadn't seen him since pre-COVID. I was like, ah, and then I saw the red hat and I went like, ah. Oh, wow. What do you think about gay baiting? Do you care? Queer baiting, do you care? I don't care. I mean, this is the thing.

Sex sells and gay people, I think, are hyper... sup... What's the word? Men. Let's just say men, probably. Yeah, like sex sells and gay men are super susceptible to that type of salesmanship. Yeah. So...

And also the... Is it gay baiting or do gay people just tune in? Well, gay people notoriously love straight, not baggy gay content. Yeah, I mean, he has the mega stuff on his Instagrams. I don't feel like I'm outing anybody. You know what, it's so funny though, because it's funny how like a certain look

can really change the whole perception. That picture, it's like, okay, you go live your life. But when he's like wearing the pink shit and all the crap and he's like half naked with the big perception, that picture, it's like, okay, you go live your life. But when he's like wearing the pink shit and all the crap and he's like half naked with the big butt, I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah.

I always thought that you would do a collab with him. That's not happening. He came to one of my shows once back in the day and I was very grateful because obviously his online presence was so funky. It's funky and weird. But I didn't know his political affiliation. Also he's German, right?

Austrian. Austrian? German is not a ring, but it's a kid rock. Oh, okay, so yeah. Kid rock is gonna pull out her weave, and she's gonna strut out there in her gut. James Woods is gonna do a Tide 5, and then... And then, uh!

Who's that? Tim Allen, Tim the Toolman Taylor. Tim the Toolman Taylor's gonna introduce... Mel Gibson's gonna come do a Tide Five and then... And then... Who's that? Tim Allen, Tim the Toolman Taylor. Tim the Toolman Taylor is going to introduce... Mel Gibson is going to come do a play. No, Mel Gibson is not MAGA. He's not? Oh, I thought he was super conservative. He's just anti-Jew. Oh.

He's just had many... It'll be Gary Busey. It'll be... Is it? Who's the girl from... Oh, not Scott Baio. Who's the girl from... Not Scott Baio, who's the guy? Not Mario Lopez, who? It's so disappointing when these C-list actors

from the early 90s... I was rooting for you, you know? Yeah, who's the girl? Dennis Quaid. Dennis Quaid? Dennis Quaid's gonna come through. You're joking. Brett Favre.

Well that hurts. I was a kid who used to lust after Brett. Cause you know Green Bay Packers. Brett Favre. He was huge. And I thought he was so hot. How do you pronounce that last name? Favre. I'm assuming it's French. Like Chef.

Brett Favre. Sounds French. Like chevre. Right. Favre. Brett Favre. I guess. Scott Baillant, that's the one you're thinking of. That's the guy. That's the guy. Who's the boss? That's the guy.

Damn. Also he had a shag. Who was the boss? He had a shag like Dorothy Hamill kind of. Oh yeah. Yeah. Huge if true. Huge if true.

Okay. My drapes, my curtains. Oh! D. Yeah. Huge if true. Huge if true. Okay, my drapes, my curtains. Ooh! Dune prophecy. I know you don't... You haven't watched it. You're not gonna watch it. You just gotta go in there. No, I could. And I will, because I love the substance when you make me watch it. Oh, yeah. So, if you have... Did you see Dune at all?

I've never seen one. You don't really... It would help. It would very... Yeah. Actually, I think you do need to see Dune 1 and 2 to really get the world, because they kind of cleave to the imagery and the lore of these recent films. It is so good.

It is so good, but here's the only problem. Six fucking episodes, and that's it. Mary, Friends had 38 episodes in a season. Well, TV shows used to have... I used to... I mean, I love Buffy. I know we're maybe not supposed to, like, address the program anymore, but me as a kid, I watched Buffy. And I'm sorry, okay? You don't have to apologize for watching a show that had many episodes. Right. And it had 22 episodes a season, and they were hour long.

Thank you, baby. Those people were basically making a movie full time for a living. One long movie. This is two Lord of the Rings. This is two Lord of the Rings. And they call it, I mean, it's on Sunday night, it's on HBO Max, it's Prestige Television, and I'm, you know, I'm gooning and waiting for that. What about the drag name Lorna de Rings? Lorna de Rings? Lorna de Rings? Lorna? Lorna D'Ring's. Lorna D'Ring's. Lorna D'Ring's. Lorna D'Ring's. Lorna D'Ring's. Lorna D'Ring's. Lorna D'Ring's.

Lorna D'Ring's. Lorna D'Ring's. Lorna D'Ring's. Lorna D'Ring's. Lorna D'Ring's. Lorna D'Ring's. Lorna D'Ring's. Lorna D'Ring's.

Lorna D'Ring's. Lorna D'Ring's. Lorna D'Ring's. Lorna D'Ring's. Lorna D'Ring's. Lorna D'Ring's. Lorna D'Ring's. Lorna D'Ring's.

Lorna D'Ring's. Lorna D'Ring's. Lorna D'Ring's. Lorna D'Ring's. Lorna D'Ring's. Lorna D'Ring's. Or an order. Or an order, I like that too. I, you know what I'm gonna give it. That's stupid. I'm gonna do Drag Race again. Wait, wait, wait, I'm not done, I'm not done. HBO, I'm looking at you, or Max, whatever you're doing now to avoid paying taxes or paying your actors. You motherfuckers, you motherfuckers

gotta release more episodes. You know the way they're doing that. Well, I'm talent on Max, so I won't be commenting on this. I will. I know you switched to an app to avoid paying some people. But now that you have the way they're doing that? Well, I'm talent on Macs, so I won't be commenting on this. I will. I know you switched to an app to avoid pain in some people. But now that you have the Macs app, did you know that you can switch me to your avatar? That makes it all worth it.

Isn't it great? Do you know what else I think? I've been watching this show. Well, I can sit. I've been watching this. We've been doing the live shows, and when I get real impassioned, I have to stand over you and yell at you.

Yes. I love that. I've been watching this show called Later Daters, which is the oldies' day date. Is this like the Golden Bachelor? Yes, but it's more like wholesome. It's not competition. This is like those STD ads on La Brea, like STDs at any age.

Yes. In their oldies. Sibylis ocalata. What? Oculocyphilis. Oh, yeah. You're dated at any age. It's called Later Daters.

And it's kind of a fun show. And everybody has their own story. And some of the people are dating because their husband or wife of Harvard Long passed away. And it's You love it? I just am so into it. I love dating shows.

I don't like like the natural. But I love like Love is Blind, Love on the Spectrum, I love dating shows. I don't like like the natural, but I love like, Love is Blind, Love on the Spectrum, The Ultimatum. I love anything like that. And Netflix has a lot of those dating programs. They surely do. And I like those dating programs. And-

Why do you think that is? You like watching human behavior? Yeah, and I like love. And I like, I like- You think they love people? Those shows make me sob when they fall in love Oh all the time. I can't imagine it actually happening Did I tell you about Patrice? No, baby. I know we're probably running out of time. I watch this It's like when I try to end the interview with T.S. Madison at 25 minutes

Yeah, cuz I was looking at the second hand that said 52. You're like, we gotta get out of here. Yes! Um, this documentary called Patrice. Okay. That is about a woman and... Is her name Patrice? Um, yes.

Okay. It's about her and her husband. I forget what form of disability she has, but her betrothed has cerebral palsy, and they want to get married. But I guess legally, what the documentary talks about is, if two people who are living like partially on, with benefits of disability or like access to medicine, help stuff, et cetera, if they got married,

the government can revoke those things. So if they got legally married, the government would be like, oh, well, we're going gonna take away your access to medicine or treatment or whatever, because it counts as like two incomes or whatever. Oh, because you can't double dip, you cripples? I guess.

That's crazy. The documentary really tried to explain it clearly. They had her talking about it and they had experts. Okay. And I got the gist of it, but I'd hate to say it wrong. Yeah. That's insane. But there's, can I ruin it for you?

Absolutely, I'm never gonna watch it. It was so moving. It was's insane. But there's, can I ruin it for you? Absolutely. I'm never gonna watch it. It was so moving. It was so fucking moving because this woman, okay, she's telling her life story, right? And every time she tells her life story, there's a stage where they had kids playing all the people in her life, her mom, her friends, whatever.

And she played herself at every age. Whoa. And so when it would cut to her telling a story about her life, it would cut to a stage, like an elementary school play, of her reenacting almost like Welcome to Me. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And she's playing herself. And she had a really hard time with her mom, really hard time.

So she became friends with a lot of younger kids. Because I think intellectually, she was kind of developing with kids who were a couple years younger than her. And then as an adult, she's a crossing guard. And she's like, my passion is taking care of kids. I love looking out for little kids. I love children.

I love protecting children. That would make me cry. So I'm already like, I'm already like, like, like there's dew on the lily. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm about to cry. I'm, I'm the pre-cum. Like my eyes are pre-coming.

Yeah, the drip. You got the dick drip. I got the drip. So her van breaks down. And her boyfriend uses a wheelchair. So, her van that's ADA is one of the only ways she can really go out with him, see him, whatever. Her van's broken down.

The access to a vehicle for somebody with a disability, they're as expensive as a vehicle and more. The van she needs is $55,000 just to get her to work to do crossing guard work. And it's her on the phone being like, can you move me to a corner closer to my house? Like, I can't get to work. And so it's all the trials and tribulations

of these people just base level trying to like get married and have a job. And every part of the way it's like, this system that's meant to help you, oh, you got married, sorry, like crazy. So she's trying to raise money and she does a GoFundMe and for months she's collecting cans trying to save about $55,000. And then she starts a GoFundMe. This scene, fuck, I cried like I knew everyone in the movie. And also everyone I knew had just died. There's a part where she, she has a GoFundMe and she wakes

up and somebody donates the rest of it. It says $55,000 and she's like, wait a minute. She calls the GoFundMe line and she's like, I need to confirm that this is like real. And they're like, yeah, somebody just donated. You're going to be able to get your van. She's sobbing because she can't believe she's going to be able to go to work and see her boyfriend. I was, it was such a good movie. And I sobbed like a baby. It was a movie. Yeah, it was a documentary. Oh, what a movie. It was such a good movie, and I sobbed like a baby.

It was a movie? Yeah, it was a documentary film. Oh, what a movie. It was a documentary film. And then she gets her van, and she gets to work, and then she ends up having a commitment ceremony that she organizes with a bunch of other people who are afraid to get married

because they'll lose their benefits. I just think people should be allowed to get married and not lose access to things like, you know... Yeah. Health. Yeah, or like going in and out of buildings. Yeah! I think people should be allowed to get married and not lose access to things like, you know, health. Yeah, or like going in and out of buildings. Yeah. And it was a really moving documentary. Damn, I'm gonna watch it.

Yeah, oh God, that and the one about the families of Sandy Hook. Oh, Jesus Christ. Prosecuting Alex Jones. I can't watch that. I can't watch that. It was so devastating. So devastating.

These people being like, well, this man on the internet started saying that our kids didn't die and that we're lawyers. Oh, right. Oh my God. And so the trauma. That fucking, that fuck. The trauma of these people already losing a child

and then years later, the internet saying that they made it up. Like, people are girl, people are wild. My hobbies include knitting, macrame, and pretending my children died. No kidding! Like, what? No kidding.

And it starts with, the documentary starts with the parents describing the morning their kids left for school that day. What they ate, and like, I was... I was crying, but also fists gripped. Like, this world is fucked. That's how I felt when I watched all those Larry Nasser documentaries. I felt when I watched all those Larry Nessler documentaries.

I felt that I had been abused by him in the world like my sister had. Yes. It felt like so visceral and so, I felt like if I feel this way, I can't imagine what the fathers of these daughters feel and the mothers of these daughters feel like. Like no wonder somebody tried to kill him in court.

Well then the info wars people on the stand being like, this is a witch hunt, I'm being treated unfair. It's so crazy. This is the kind of psycho environment, internet environment that allows for this kind of treatment. Like we have an assassination, he's a thirst trap. We have a school shooting. It's not real.

You know what I mean? It's crazy. It's not good. I consider what you and I participate on the internet. I consider what we produce to be fluff. I know that we're not the news. We don't have the responsibility of the news. I do pee-pee and poo-poo online. I do pee-pee and I do poo-poo.

I mean, we talk about like, you know, Tokyo Tony and Yoke on the Plane. Like it's not... I literally do pee-pee or I do poo-poo. Right. It's one of the two things I contribute. I go hee-hee or ha-ha. Or hoo-hoo. There you go. Or hoo-hoo. It's one of the two things I contribute. I go, hee-hee or ha-ha. Or hoo-hoo.

There you go. Or hoo-hoo. It's... If you had a kid, what would you say for pee and poop? Oh, that is a great question. You ready to go dumpy? What about, she got a dumpy. He's got a dumpy.

You got a dumpy? No, listen, listen. I got a children's story. So I went to visit Avi. So Avi and Sasha came to the show, Madison, 20-year college reunion. 20-year college reunion. Right.

We went to college together 20 years ago. 20 years ago, we were in college together. Tell the people how you know. Avi, they probably know Avi from... Yes, so if you watched Rue Gretz or Rue Flexions or any other YouTube content I produced back in the day, he edited all of it and did all the titles and everything in the music and he was the, you know, the mastermind behind those computer videos. He's a legend. So he had a daughter, she's three and a half.

I hate kids. I hate kids. I hate kids, I'm just gonna say that. I have no interest in children other than my two nephews and sometimes I forget that they're there. But they're cute, I love them, I give them stuff. But I don't think about kids. Graham? Graham and Owen.

Owen, yeah. But this little motherfucker, this little motherfucker Lucy, the cutest kid I have ever seen in my life. Wow. It was cartoonishly cute. Like, she was so funny. Her timing was so on point. She was... It was like she was doing a bit, but she wasn't.

She was just being three and a half. Hysterical. Cute. I wanted to kidnap her. I think it'd be funny if you were convinced that your three and a half... Three and a half daughter, three and a half year old friend's daughter was doing a bit. That's just her age. That's not a bit.

She's Benjamin Button. She's pretending to be young. But she was like, she's obviously very smart because she was so articulate and for three and a half. Oh my God. For coaches. For coaches. For coaches.

And she was, oh my God. I know this like doesn't, you can't get the sense because it didn't take any video or whatever, but she's just, oh, they did, I'm so happy when parents have children that aren't ugly. Right. And who aren't mean. Yeah.

You know what I mean? I had to get fierce with my little niece when she was visiting. I talked about most of this during the live pods so I don't want to repeat it. She sprayed shit all over the walls. She sprayed shit all over the walls, but also, you know, I prepared myself that, you know,

listen, I guess this is my house. And even though she's my guest, if she starts to act wild, I'm gonna have to let her know that, you know, the world has lots of different environments and we can't always act the way we act at home. And so I said, I said, there was one part where I said, I felt like I was my grandma. I said, hey, listen now, we're all watching a movie now. And so we need to relax and sit down a little bit.

And I was getting real fierce. That's okay. But then my other version of it was like, hey, listen, let me tell you something. This isn't your house and I'm not your mom. I'm not like your mom and your little grandma over there. I'm not gonna let you do whatever. Ooh.

So guess what? You're gonna sit here, you're gonna eat these butter noodles and I'm gonna sit here with you. And afterward we can get you a piece of candy, okay? Or you're gonna hang from the porch, bitch, with your mouth tape. Girl. With your mouth tape, sure.

Girl. And then I got her candy, and I was like, in my house? Gummy? No, bitch. We're getting the Smart Sweets. Low sugar, low calorie. Bitch. Thank you. Let me, I have your genetics. I don't want your teeth to be my teeth. So let me help me help you. So I gave her the smarts. She goes, this is nasty. And after she had diarrhea for two to two days, I

gave her the P like popsicle and she goes, it's gross. This food nasty girl this food nasty. Kennedy Davenport. My approach was this because the internet said when because the internet said toddlers go through phases where they reject all food. The internet said that they go through a beige food phase where they want noodles, bananas, bread, plain. I mean, when she was hungry, she wanted like a plain piece of bread. Okay, really?

She wanted like... She didn't say I want like curry penang curry. Yeah. She said, I want, you know, long snout, trail bass, I don't know, whatever. Marinated veal brains. Yes. So I gave her the option. Okay, so I said, listen, we're going to make noodles. I can give know, whatever. Marinated veal brains. Yes. So I gave her the option. Okay, so I said, listen, we're going to make noodles.

I can give you red sauce. I can give you this or I can give you buttered noodles. And so I let her pick it. Okay. And then I let her help make it. So I'm like, put this butter here. And then having her make it, then she wanted to eat it. She was like, I made this.

I did this. How old is she? Three. Okay. But I shared the food with her because the internet also said if the kid won't eat, if you eat it off their plate, they'll be like, me too. And that's how I got sick.

Oh, shit, that's right. Don't share food with the sick children. Well, I've learned that children are nothing if not harbingers of illness. And that's okay. I guess that's part of the part of all you adults and parents out there, you must be fighting off illness at all times.

All times, and not sleeping during the first few years. How about this little sick child who won't sleep in their own bed? Oh my God, my baby would be that baby from Dr. Sleep with the huge swollen diaper, weeks old. Oh. Because I'd be sleeping in. I'd be the, my baby would be the one that got crushed by me

rolling over at night. Yeah. Dead, dead baby. I think I would be a hard. Dead baby. Would you co-sleep? I'm not sleeping with no baby. Right.

That's how I feel. Once they're good, they're good. Dead baby in the bed? Yeah. No. Well, remember, I Googled, I don't know if I talked about this and this, I googled that you breastfeed until, it's natural to breastfeed until seven years old.

That's interesting. And I asked Val, I said, how long did you make it? She said three months. Yeah, three minutes. She started giving you diet cokes and Capri Sun and told you to get out of the house. Go play outside. Yeah. I'm one.

Get out, hoe. Get on the floor, hoe. Eww. Breastfeeding. Breastfeeding floor, ho. Ugh, breastfeeding. Breastfeeding. Swollen boobs, tender nipples. Beautiful and natural. Love it. Oh, so wait, I was telling Tracy, at the airport, I noticed there was like all these windows,

right? We were at Chicago. Mm-hmm. In the terminal. All these windows. And there was just like nothing out there. It was like, oh, they should make little vestibule balconies where you can go breastfeed, smoke, have a bit of fresh air.

Why do you have to breastfeed outside? And why do you have to breastfeed next to smokers? You don't. So there's a little smoking patio there and there's a little, um, like enclosed breastfeeding room because people are like weirded out by it. I think you should be able to breastfeed on the escalator. Oh, girl, everybody should be able to take the whole shirt off. Breastfeed, like breastfeed, totally nude in the aisle while you're doing yoga.

Totally. Yeah, yeah. And then a little balcony for fresh air. Why can't you get some fresh air when you're in the airport? This has air. You're right. Palm Springs Airport has that because it's all outside. Yeah. And what's that other airport that has a Delta Sky Lounge that's partially outside? LA. LA has a smoking little like...

But you're in the Sky Lounge. No, no, no. It's very, very hidden. It's secret. When I learned about it after flying five years at LAX, I was like, you motherfuckers, you betrayed me. You betrayed me. You should be like Junzee and get the Zen packets. Shove them up the pussy, move the Zen packet.

Well, you're never going to believe this. I haven't smoked a cigarette today. What happened? No, no, I just haven't. Are you going to ask me for money? Oh, honey, I don't think I can give it to you. Can I just one drag? No, I've been trying to smoke less than I so I stopped for five days straight.

Only because of depression. And then, too trying to smoke less than I saw. I stopped for five days straight, only because of depression. And then... Too depressed to smoke, damn. Yeah, sleeping up like 13 hours a day. And then I was like, after Thanksgiving, I was like, ah, just try to smoke less. And it has been working. I think I had like two or three yesterday.

It's fierce. Cause you know what? It's embarrassing, but David Lynch having emphysema, that's what... That like really scared me. I think we're good to stop there. I think... Bye! Wait, wait, goodbye! Today's episode of Ballin' the Beautiful sponsored by Airbnb. Y'all, the holidays are upon us.

I have to tell you guys, I had not been to Wasaki, Wisconsin in so many years since pre-COVID. And I went up there last month. And of course my whole family moved to Milwaukee. You guys know I bought my mama house and so everyone lives in Milwaukee now. So I had nowhere to stay. And there's not even like hotels in that area. It's such a small area.

So I got on Airbnb and my host Jodi, hi Jodi. She probably doesn't listen to this or know who I am. But she made it so easy. Her cabin was beautiful. It was like right in the middle of my small town, so exactly where it was the wifi, the heating, and it was like a family cabin. So it had a bunch of like, you know, DVDs, you know, when you go on vacation, just like watch, you know, movies with your family. It was perfect for staying a couple of days. It had everything for cooking. It had knives knives like because it's a real

family's cabin. I didn't have to bring anything in my suitcase. I packed a pan. I packed like a spatula because I thought it'd be cooking breakfast and they had all of that. It was so nice. You know, it was just perfect for me and it slept eight but honestly, it was so affordable that I just got it anyway. So instead of a bunch of kids beds being used and stuff, it was just like, I had a full bedroom. It was like perfect, perfect for me.

I could have never achieved like that experience of like relaxed and everything kind of provided for me if I had stayed in a hotel. I mean, a hotel in rural Wisconsin. So check out Airbnb.com or check out the Airbnb app, download it. I cannot recommend it enough. Trips are always better with Airbnb. This podcast is brought to you by Aura, the most complete online safety toolkit.

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