The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - Artificial Phallus Safety in the Shower & Beyond with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: March 21, 2023

This episode of Bald is proudly brought to you by the National Bathroom Sex Toy Safety Council, reminding you to always follow the three W's before your wet 'n wild adventures: "Wash, Warm-Up, & WERK." As winter stretches its legs for one last sprint before Spring arrives, we'd like to remind our listeners to follow the most important rules of the Bathroom Dildo Doctrine: 1) Always test the suction of the dildo on your shower wall prior to use, in order to properly gauge the strength of the suction in the face of strong shearing forces. 2) Measure the circumference of the dildo to ensure a smooth entry and exit, thereby guaranteeing a pleasurable experience for all participating parties. 3) To avoid being impaled by the dildo in what can only be described as "the bad type of hurt," make sure the shower floor is covered in a non-slip surface for maximum safety. This public service announcement has been brought to you by the editorial staff of BALD, LLC, as well as the fine folks at the National Bathroom Sex Toy Safety Council. Collaborate with Canva for Teams! Right now, you can get a FREE 45-day extended trial when you go to https://Canva.ME/BALD This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://BetterHelp.com/BALD and get on your way to being your best self! Head to https://FACTORMEALS.com/BALD50 and use code BALD50 to get 50% off your first box. Factor Meals! Ready in just 2 minutes, no prep, no mess! For listeners of the show, Dipsea is offering an extended 30-day free trial when you go to https://DipseaStories.com/BALD New to Etsy? Use the code NEW for 10% off your first purchase. That’s code NEW at https://www.Etsy.com Maximum discount value of $50.00. Offer ends June 30th, 2023. See terms at https://www.Etsy.com/Terms Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out the Trixie and Katya Live Tour, go to: https://trixieandkatya.com To order your copy of our new book, "Working Girls", go to: workinggirlsbook.com To check out the Trixie Motel in Palm Springs, CA: https://www.trixiemotel.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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And we're in drag. Wait, is our sign on? It is. Oh, okay. Are you guys LGBT or something? Are y'all LGBT? Then they rolled up a bunch of LBTQIAs. Do you ever fear that there's too much woke? I do.

There's so much woke out there. Well, you know, my new thing is whenever there's anybody who's a woman, trans, gay, anything in a media, I go, well, here's woke HBO. If it's not all white men, I flip out. Yeah. And you should. Well, I just watched The Last of Us, the first episode, because you know, I love the games. Greatest game of all time. Which game?

The Last of Us. Which games are these? So they were recorded for PlayStation. Yeah. Oh my God. Like Silent Hill. Yes. So I won't spoil it for you, but the last of us is a few decades into the

future a fungus there's a pandemic global fun uh pandemic where a fungus attaches to the brain and grows out of the head and the people go crazy and violent 60 of the world is crazy violent basically like zombies um and their faces are all sprouted with fungi it's crazy but i started watching it and of course as a television show they make certain adaptations that old maiden type of adaptations or they go the extra mile to make sure everybody is not quite oh yeah they're they're um what do you call that they're um but i also think they probably just cast colorblind racially colorblind when we would hope i suppose right yeah and so the best people got the roles but of course

watching this knowing what video game people are like and knowing how many like no neck chin beard bastards are out there i was like i bet they're gonna watch this and they're gonna be like why is his daughter not what yeah too much woke in this video game movie right so i was just watching it being like people are already gonna have problems that some of these people are not the exact same race as they were in a game from 10 years ago yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah so it's a little it's a little sad to be able to predict that well it's even it's even crazier when people apply that same logic to like a mermaid mario must be white what is that about it's about racism i mean it's just racism it's just like

like blatant ignorant racism because they're stupid racists are stupid they really are they really are you have to you can't be racist without a good healthy dose of just plain old-fashioned stupidity i know even in american horror story uh coven which was I think season three or four. Even in that, Fiona Good, the big bad witch who kills people and is horrible. Even she hates racists. When the villains hate racism, you should look inward. When the villains in media hate racism, you should go, am I a villain in real life? Was that the same season where Kathy Bates was the old timey slave killer? She was.

She got her head chopped off and put in front of a TV to watch Roots, the television show? That is, yes. I'm not going to say that it was perhaps the most...

Perfect? Yeah. It wasn't stuff that was all pitch perfect. Let me tell you about pitch perfect. There's this fierce moment where the Supreme goes, there's nothing I hate more

than a racist. There you go. And she takes a long drag. And then she goes and kills people. Yeah, I was like, and then she puts on her Klan robe and goes. Oh, no. She's like, I kill everyone equally. I murder anyone.

Yeah. Okay. That's fair, I guess. I like, if you said what you just described, The Last of Us, if you like that, let me tell you about something. What? A book. Squarespace?

Squarespace? No. Oh. let me tell you about something. What? A book. Squarespace? No. A book that you will gobble gobble like turkey dinner, bitch. What is it? What is it? It's called. The Bible.

The King James Bible. It's called Dianetics by L. Ron Hubbard. It's actually a movie called Waterworld with Kevin Costner. Oh, I've seen that. No, no, no no it's called manhunt oh okay and um so the the premise is there is like the last of us there is a in so imagine this like post-apocalyptic world in which there is a virus related to testosterone oh so people with testosterone have turned into the most it's like a um this crazy mutation where they become these rabid raping murderous violent fucking creatures and the protagonists are a couple of trans girls and so there's all this like crazy shit with them and they hunt these the men who are literally like they travel in packs.

They are violent. It's so bloody, violent, gory and nasty. They chop up their balls, bitch. They clip the balls. They are trained killers to harvest the hormones. They eat. They fry and eat the testes. Honey.

The women do? The trans girls Yeah Frying up And eating The cojones Do you love it? This book is so fucking good Okay

It's so fucking good And it's I can't I think you will I think you will gobble it up Like a turkey dinner You fucking bitch Well I'm in the middle of Swamp Thing

Which is a whole series But that's the graphic novel right? Yes Yeah yeah And it's good I like it It's deep Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's good. I like it. It's deep. It's sad.

It's good. And it's Alan Moore. Watchmen. Love it. And then I got to read, I got a stack of Why the Last Man. I got to read those. But here's the thing about this stack.

Right on top of that stack, first priority, Miss Manhunt. She's looking at you. Okay, maybe I'll read that. I'll give it to you. It's sensational. Well, it's probably going to be made into a TV series.

And then we can complain about how it's different than the book. Mama, if we're talking about TV series and it's all this rhetoric around truth, because there's a TERF army of the army of TERFs, women who are like literally a militia. Yes. And that are led by this woman called teach or teacher. And I picture as Holly Hunter in my mind. And Mary, you got to read this book.

You will love the shit out of it. It's fucking fierce. It's nasty girl. I get so uppity about finishing my graphic novels and I'll be like, I can't just finish another one. People will be like, yeah, it has a lot of pictures,

right? What's the text to, um, to, uh, to picture ratio. Well, there's a lot and it right What's the text to picture ratio Well there's a lot And it's really small

But the pictures are part of it Absolutely There's some things you can't communicate with words They move the story along Absolutely You don't have to imagine what they look like they tell you I love it No no I'm not

No it's great But you're yelling at me No no I'm just Because I found something I like that you're not a part of And now you're like well what about me Well Now we have another thing not in common I look at you in the face yeah i'm the dead sea scroll i'm the shroud of touring um so i watched the last of us tell me and it was

wonderful the whole series no only one episode but i when i like something i don't watch the adaptations knowing to hate it i'm not part of the crowd that complains there's too much drag race and complains when it's an hour. Or crack cocaine worms on the brain. Crack Tina McGillicuddy injecting bath salts into the veins. Saline in the balls. Thank you. But these people are

blithely unaware of the fact that there are 14 golf channels. 14 golf channels. Mary, there are and they're all called the golf channel. 14 golf channels. Mary, they are- And they're all called the golf channel. Golf channel one, golf channel two, ESPN three, ESPN four, SB five, Domino six, football eight. Like it's, there are so,

you don't complain about this drag race phenomenon. You don't have to. You just enjoy it. You just enjoy it. You can also, as if it's the Hunger Games and President Snow's gonna kill your whole family if you don't watch. There's no quiz. You don't have to watch. There's no quiz. It's not a citizenship test President Snow's gonna kill your whole family if you don't watch there's no quiz

You don't have to watch no quiz. It's not a citizenship test. It's not a driving test No, you don't have to do anything. You can stand up sit down or lay flat For example, I if I'm not doing the pit stop, I don't watch but you're not gloating about it. You're not proud of it Oh, not at all, but I don't watch anything The fact that I watch saying this, but she just watched The Last of Us. But Mateo came to my house to get me, take me somewhere where a group was watching it, and then fed me. So there was a lot in it for me besides watching it. The Last of Us or Drag Race?

Because in my opinion, if I've kind of already seen it, I'm not going to get to enjoy it the way virgins are going to enjoy it. Everything I'm watching, I know, okay, I know what's going to happen. When you've played the game or read the book, there's so much surprise oh sure it's almost like you can't enjoy it the way it was meant to be enjoyed as a tv show because you already know what's gonna happen but see that the jump scares are almost like but how come that doesn't apply to my 12th 13th 15th viewing of dune because i think you you like the the energy of Dune. And it could be playing in reverse. And you don't care.

And it's funny. The author of Manhunt is one of the fiercest film critics. Gretchen Falker-Martin, I think. Falker-Martin. She's from Worcester, Massachusetts. Masshole. And she is a fierce film critic on Twitter. Mama fierce.

And she loves to give unpopular opinions. She hates the new Dune. She thinks it's trash. And I love that. But you know what? The channels that do the best on YouTube, you better believe I was looking up some reviews of The Last of Us. And of course, the biggest one, even though this is the show that's getting perfect five

star ratings, people are already loving it. Oh, they dogpile on it. Oh, but the video that will get the most clicks is why this is the worst fucking show ever or on youtube everything now is like how rainforest cafe ruined my life and it'll be like a 45 minute video yeah about and you're like why do we look for life ruining on youtube why food is the worst fucking thing you could possibly eat even if you like a product let's say you're reviewing a chanel mascara the thumbnail has to be like you won't believe i was shocked and the thumbnail is a girl like and then the video is like i don't know i liked it yeah but then but then the comment says fat oh entirely entirely

always love that shit someone um someone did a a fake tweet of, as if the White House was tweeting about President Kennedy's assassination. And then there was a comment under, Anitha said that. I love it. The internet memes. Are you Dave? A claims-free, hybrid-driving university grad who signed up online? Well, Dave, this jingle's for you. Who saves with TD Insurance? Because he's a claims-free hybrid-driving university grad who signed up online.

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You're fine with what? Like people saying horrible things on the internet. Oh, because it's just, it's the void. It's the well. You throw garbage into the garbage can. You're not going to look in there. No. What are you looking in the garbage can for?

No, it's totally fine. And people, I mean, the comments are always the comments. The comments are the comments are the comments. People are people. People who need people. the best kind of responding to comments responding to things like that you're a public figure the act of that is insane um media literacy media coaching why don't you get into it i could be me and you you and i uh we could legitimately offer a very useful service to newly christened drag racers to navigate the turmoils of social media and being newly famous in that realm. Listen, don't you think? It doesn't hurt me to stack another card at the bottom of the deck. What is that a metaphor for?

It's about me fucking. Fucking car dealers. I've never made too many media mistakes. However, I don't really take too much of it that seriously. But that's okay. That's episode one. That's you know what I mean? You don't take it seriously.

Well, with any type of media, nothing's as good as it seems or as bad as it seems. It's just words, opinions, thoughts. And especially if it's about you, you don't have to look at it. That's why people, I don't usually believe them, stars, celebrities, when they say don't read reviews, but that is a good rule because if you really want honest feedback, you talk to a colleague. Right? I mean- Well, at least for me,

this is one of my worst characteristics. And there are, there are many. Sometimes when I need, when I talk to someone about something, I'm fishing for, of course you are. Forgiveness.

Oh. Or, um, assurance that I'm doing the right thing. Validation. Validation. Yeah. Rather than actually looking to do what someone says.

But you're, you're transparent enough to, to start it with. So the question I'm about to ask you, I need to be, um, I need you to positively answer it. So anyways, here, you know what I mean? Like, um, so I'm learning about this thing that needs to tell me I'm doing is right. Yeah. Hey, I have this horrible trait. Could you co-sign on it? Exactly. Did you get three friends to do it as well? Put it in writing? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's a little like, are you are you prioritizing your mental health or are you selling all your belongings moving to guam

guam like which way would you like me to frame this for you do you want me to be like go girl you're your own person do you want me to be like maybe wait a week yeah yeah give me a read and i'll be the best friend because i'll tell you what this last time i think about like the do when you ask a question or you're are you do, do you want commiseration? Do you want validation or do you want a problem solve? Yeah. Oh no. We talked about that. Do you want a problem?

Nobody wants problem solved mama. That's Einstein. Yeah. He was solving problems. He was doing math. Yeah. In science. Well, it's about learning.

Hey, learning about those around you. David Silver, two days in a row, I cooked two eggs and wheat toast for myself for breakfast. And he goes, why aren't you asking me if I want breakfast? a row, I cooked two eggs and wheat toast for myself for breakfast. And he goes, why aren't you asking me if I want breakfast? I said, I have never seen you eat breakfast.

I said, you never eat breakfast. You never want breakfast. And so I didn't ask you if you want breakfast. And then I gave him breakfast. That's the whole story. Wait,

did you say, eat it pig? No, I was like, is this about you wanting breakfast? It's about me not asking you if you want breakfast.

I think it's about you being a hospitable presence in a new cohabitation scenario. Yeah, I guess. But you know what? Guess what he was watching yesterday? What? Planet of the Apes. I said you need to turn that shit off right now.

Oh, right. Because that's going to scare the pants off of you. Well, half of them were chimpanzees, but the other half were gorillas. And I was like, we're not doing this. So wait, your primate fear is like species specific? It's not all monkeys It's gorillas It's gorillas in the mist

What about David says shut up Or I'll put on Gorilla in the mist That's what he said But that's Sigourney She doesn't calm you down I've never seen it

Obviously I thought it was animatronic Are you like Expanding Now my worst fear This like gives me a chill Well my This is

But this is My worst fear No my worst fear Would be an animatronic gorilla That would no my worst fear would be an animatronic gorilla that would be my worst yeah yeah an animatronic gorilla that can snatch your face off yeah that's fine because like what else could happen i look great today though i was just gonna say you haven't complimented me on my outfit hair or makeup yeah gotcha didn't oh we have fun hey oh we have a ball.

Is that my care? Hi, Georgia. You know what? We won four signal awards for this podcast. Of course, all the fan votes. Sexy. None of the critical votes. Intellectual.

Good. Nasty. Gooning. Alternative. Ladies. Signal. Yeah. Yeah.

I think it's podcasting awards. You think? It is. What would they be Like car and trend Motor of the year Like but All the categories we won

I believe were fan vote Of course Which I love Thank you But we never win for Quality Quality Critics choice

Well we don't talk about White people killing each other I know We don't talk about Husbands and wives Murdering each other In the suburbs You know

Should we start a Listen No I'll start the crime You can investigate it That's what I'm saying We do a true crime podcast But since we don't talk about husbands and wives murdering each other in the suburbs, you know? Should we start a true... Listen. No, I'll start the crime. You can investigate it. That's what I was going to say. We do a true crime podcast, but since we don't want to tread anything, we go do the crimes. Yeah.

And then we report on it and we have the scoop because we did it. Yeah. Batman and Robin. So apparently he went back to his house and killed his husband for watching Gorillas in the Mist. I was like, that... And then it cuts to me. Something about that sounded so familiar.

Hmm. And then we connect the dots. But then I have to go like crazy obsessive Claire Danes, you know, Homeland kind of like notes on the wall about it. Even though all of the evidence is right there for everybody. You know everything, but you got to make a show like you're figuring it out. You're outside dousing with one of those like boop, boop. Yeah, metal detector. Speaking of which.

You find a wedding ring attached to a finger. Oh, I throw the finger away. I get married. Eat the ring. Oh. Wait. Jesse Eisenberg is in a new show called Fleischman is in Trouble. Okay.

And I need you to know about this show. All right. Is there gorillas? No, no. I thought it was going to come back to that. Okay. And I need you to know about this show. All right. Is there gorillas? I thought it was going to come back to that. Okay, good. You know, Disney, Disney world. There's a ride called Kong. I'm going on it.

I'm going to week. Then we're not allowed to say Disney, but maybe it would, we're not allowed to say Disney. No, we can. We can. Maybe it was universal. I don't know who owns Kong. Probably Disney, but there's But that would be my... What are you doing in a couple of weeks?

Not for a half million dollars would I sit in a boat and go through that ride. Are you being 100% with me right now? Okay, maybe less. I'd probably do it for... You wouldn't do it for 10,000. Okay, thank you. I mean, but I'm just trying to heighten it. You wouldn't get out of it.

But I'm trying to build momentum here. I know of it I need truth here this is a true prime podcast Now I need truth No no no So there is this drama It's this drama show And you know how people say You gotta watch this show The first three episodes or the first three

Seasons are a little slow but it picks up I'm like excuse your fucking mouth Who the fuck has 45 minutes Let alone 45 hours or the first three seasons are a little slow, but it picks up. I'm like, excuse your fucking mouth. Who the fuck has 45 minutes, let alone 45 hours to get into something that gets good eventually? Fuck all the way off, you stupid bitch. Well, not every show of the first episode's amazing. This one, by contrast, honey, sweetie, baby.

What show? The one I'm talking about, Fleishman is in Trouble, gripped me by the nalgaz. Oh, you already saw it. I'm episode eight. What happens in it? Oh, let me tell you.

So it gripped me by the nalgas by the first 10 minutes. I was like, oh, okay. Love that. But I realized it's because it's about people in their early 40s. But not only that, not only that. Jesse Eisenberg is a man in New York, a doctor, and he's married to Claire Danes, who is an, a theatrical agent who they get divorced. And you love Claire Danes.

Mama. I do. Beautiful, beautiful, crazy, iconic, crazy cry face. You never watch. What is it like? Like there's a scene and I i and i don't want to make light of it to me it was like it got a little i'm not sure what the correct word is for in my opinion it got a little too much but there's a scene where she's breaks down in a support group

and all these women come literally surround her and she's like like that kind of thing very intense very intense it's not funny. I'm not laughing. Thank you. But I didn't laugh, but I was just like, hey. But she really commits is what I'm trying to say. Yeah. And she's known for it. Homeland was a lot of crazy cry face. Oh, wow.

What is Homeland about? Homeland, oh, riveting for the first season. You watch the boys, Amazon? I sure fucking did. You live? I lived mostly. I lived mostly. It's a little CW energy, but I liked it. Yeah. I appreciate all the gore. Yeah. She did what Megan should have did. You live? I lived mostly. I lived mostly. It's a little CW energy, but I liked it.

Yeah. I appreciate all the gore. Yeah. She did what Megan should have did. They are not afraid of gore. Did you see when the guy goes up the guy's pee hole? I watched it several times. Several times I watched it.

And my pee hole exploded with something else. The graphic novels are much goyer with much more sexual violence. Yeah. Well, you can get away with that in a book. Talk about manhunt, honey. You want to talk about sexual violence, sweetie? In the TV show, the Homelander's like bad. In the book, he's like evil.

A rapist and a murderer. It's crazy. I mean, he's very bad in the film. He is. Elizabeth Shue. I mean, she's a monster. That was crazy when he burns. It's crazy.

Spoiler alert. Burns holes straight through her head. Burns that bitch. Lights her up like a Christmas tree. It was so crazy. I wish I had some powers like that. You want to burn up this pussy? If you had powers, would you feel a moral obligation to use them for good?

What kind of powers are we talking about? Okay, let's say it's like Spider-Man where you're kind of invincible really fast. Fuck Spider-Man. That's too nebulous. But-man he can shoot webs he can basically fly because he can swing but right but it's like so he can shoot webs okay then all of a sudden he's a parkour expert a ringling brothers acrobat uh like a flight pilot radioactive spider dna i know but choose another guy though choose another guy um bat Batman doesn't count because there's no power. He's a man.

Let's say Superman. Let's say you were Superman. You were basically invincible, super strong, you could fly. Besides kryptonite, yeah. Would you hide out and then use the powers for when it benefits you? Well, here's the thing about that. Because you would quick, in this world, I'm trying to yes and you, but I'm also trying to be realistic. No, no, no.

Let's be real. In this world, I'm not trying to, I'm trying to yes and you, but I'm also trying to be realistic. No, no, no. Let's be real. You would quickly be discovered as an enemy because you are the ultimate threat. Right. Because if they can't control you, they want to, they want to. They're going to either use you or they're going to destroy you. Right.

So I would, mama, fly right out of this, this nasty rock called earth. Yeah. What is Saturn? I think I would try to hide the powers because I would be afraid once they found out about me they would try to lock me up and experiment on me etc you know they would of course they would but that would be so lonely did you see brightburn no no the kid right the kid is like it's like evil right evil powers yes it's like superman but what if he landed and was not exactly what if he's a little evil? Pooper man. And so the son that they love gets powers and-

It's kind of like Eli. And gets fierce. Oh, it's Eli with Superman. It's crazy. That's great. Elizabeth Banks plays the mom. It's cunty. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's cunty. Did we ever talk about the Elizabeth Moss remake of Invisible Man? Now that we're on the subject. I think we did. That was so crazy. But you know who I love? The gentleman who played the Invisible Man. The guy from Bly Manor.

Yeah. Oh, that's right. He's sexy. He might be from Bly Manor. He might be from House on Hill. Haunted. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hill House.

Haunted Hill House. Yeah. He's so sexy. And I liked the Elizabeth Shue Invisible Man shit. No, Elizabeth Moss or Shue. Oh, sorry. Elizabeth Moss. Because Shue was in it with Kevin Bacon. And I like the idea ofue Invisible Man shit No Elizabeth Moss or Shue Oh sorry Elizabeth Moss Cause Shue was in it With Kevin Bacon

And I like the idea Of everyone being like No Gaslighting He's dead Gaslighting He's dead And you're like

No he's invisible Trying to kill me And no one believes you Gaslighting Love that Yeah love that The scene in the restaurant And there's

The scene in the restaurant Because when she When the She finally gets the sister Almost on board with her The loud There's the comedy Of the waiter The pretent when the she finally gets the sister almost on board with her the loud there's the comedy of the waiter the pretentiousness

and it out of fucking nowhere that spoiler throat slashed framed it was shocking

it was amazing I was at a theater in Germany and I was like this like I was truly gagged my mouth was I was like I was like

oh scheisse yeah yeah it was crazy I love the cinema for that reason love this I was truly gagged. Oh my God. I was like, oh, Scheisse. Yeah. Yeah. It was crazy. I love the cinema for that reason. Love this. I don't, I'm trying to watch more things.

Well, you, okay. You've got to watch, Fleischman is in trouble. Jewish. Well, not to be a nerd alert,

but I'm either reading books right now or playing video games. TV is just not a priority to me. But, oh, David last night was watching Dick Tracy and I was like, I'm leaving. TV is just not a priority to me. But David last night was about watching Dick Tracy and I was like, I'm leaving. This is a book. It was based on a book

and I heard the book was very good. If you can read the book. What's it called? Fleischman is in Trouble. What's it about? It's about a couple who is divorced and it's about, it's just, Lizzie Kaplan is the narrator

and she's also a part of his trio. From Kaplan University. Absolutely. She's the chaplain of Kaplan University. Yeah. Lizzie. You're close. But Adam Brody.

Uh-huh. Hot. Setsi. Setsi. Very hot. Setsi. Did you like Promising Young Woman? I watched it twice three years ago.

No, no, no. Listen, cinema lives forever. You know what he keeps saying to David? What? The movies are back. And he's like, what are you talking about? I said, I don't know. The other day I turned to him and I said, well, you know, genre films just don't sell anymore.

And he goes, what are you talking about? I said, I heard it, but doesn't it sound smart? Wait, wait, you're going to gag. I said, I don't know what a genre film is. The other day I went to the plant store and I was talking to Andrew and we're walking down the street. And I was like, girl, you wouldn going to gag. I said, I don't know what a genre film is. The other day I went to the plant store and I was like talking to Andrew and we're walking down the street and I was like, I was like, girl, you wouldn't believe it. I was like at the, I was at the plant store yesterday. It was packed.

He was like, he was like, we'll go Sunday. And I was like, but it was the day before. He was like, Saturday. It was so funny. Okay. Anyways. We have really weird friends. Very weird.

Very weird. We're normal. We're the normal ones. Hello. Look at this. Okay, anyways. We have really weird friends. Very weird. Very weird. We're normal. We're the normal ones. Hello. Look at this. Look at this. I'd like to acknowledge that I'm dressed as you today, and I'm okay with that. Well, you're like the elevated version of me, except I probably wouldn't do those like

cloven hooves sticking out of those. Why do you? I think these are, look, double strap. Ooh. It's not the double strap that is, you have very shapely, lovely ankles and tapered calves. It's just the honey baked ham poking through the strap. Oh, you like a closed toe? Yeah, with pantyhose on.

Oh, I get it. And also the foot pad is so very visible. Anything else you hate about switch drive today? Anything else you've been harboring? Oh, wait, wait, wait. So, oh, fuck. What? I want to talk to you about this, but it's going to take forever. Oh, wait, wait, wait. So, oh, fuck. What? I want to talk to you about this, but it's going to take forever.

Well, let's take a break. Okay. And we're back. What is it? It's about the fact that as you get older and have more experience, and especially with an artistic mind or creative job, whatever, it's hard to be wowed by visual things. Okay. Do you know what I mean? Because you're so used to being wowing.

No, I'm not talking about. What are you talking about? I'm talking about that. Say you are a fashion critic. Uh-huh. It's hard to be wowed because it's kind of all, you can get into this jaded cynical, like, well, it's all been done

before it's do you know what i mean like yeah yeah and um and a lot of times like if you're critiquing an outfit or like a home decor or interior design do you know what i'm saying it's like yeah it's like everything is the truth is everything is derivative everything has been done it's a referee yeah yeah yeah which shouldn't be discouraging i always think that should be encouraging because there's no pressure to invent the wheel really in any art form no it can i think our visual art is in 1930 visual arts especially your job is to pick up the tools that everyone else uses and do your thing right but nothing's ever blindingly original oh my god yeah yeah yeah yeah you, it's like the Beatles happened

and then everyone sounds like the Beatles and then those artists grew up to sound like the artists that imitate the Beatles. And I mean, everything just is a regurgitation, especially in drag. I mean, all we do is copy. Oh yeah, but drag is exempt because we are literal, pastiche is the format.

You know what I mean? Like impersonation is the game. Likeiche is the format you know what i mean like um impersonation is the game like i theft is the technique yeah it's almost like drag in general is more like collage or like decoupage yeah or we're not doing oil paintings no we're not the we're not the dutch masters mary we're not caravaggio we're not michelangelo no nothing of of the sort. But it's just like, oh, music? Oh, music is the same five songs. I don't know where you get it. It is.

Which is fine. Right. But then, so I saw Tar, bringing it back to the movies. Tar, the movie Tar. You didn't see Tar? No, I've never even heard of it. Are you serious? So Cate Blanchett plays this-

She plays Tar. Lydia Tar. Her name is Lydia Tar Cate Blanchett plays this. She plays Tar. Lydia Tar. Her name is Lydia Tar, a lesbian conductor. Psychic. Like, was that psychic or was that just talking? I think it was. You know, I love to be like, that was psychic. And you're like.

Really, I've been like, was this psychic or was this a memory? Or was this a memory conversation? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Responding to a question. But earlier I said a clueless thing and Brandon was standing next to me with a clueless mirror. And he goes, oh, did you see this mirror? And I said, no, I just thought that. I think you have a sixth sense.

But also that's my item in my house. Yeah. Because I like clueless. And you saw it 30 seconds before. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I have this thing where when I think something, it's usually based on something around me. And then I believe that that was esp you're just turning back time exactly yeah well okay so she plays the lesbian conduct uh uh conductor of

the berlin philharmonic and about present day-ish and her life unravels for whatever reason but never mind the fact that kate planchette is But never mind the fact that Cate Blanchett is pornographically beautiful. Pornographically talented. Yeah. You believe that this is a real person. Yeah, of course. It's a biopic. It's not.

And anyways, mama music. Classical music. You hate it? No, no, no. I love it. You do? I had two cookie edible marijuana cookies. Okay, this is part of it.

Shh. And then, and then, so she's working on Mahler, Gustav Mahler's symphonies. I think there's like nine of them or five of them or whatever. And the focus is on number five

and she doesn't get to conduct it. I put that on, the noise canceling headphones after the marijuana hit transported to another realm. A realm where the excellence and the precision of an orchestra

creates a universe of wonder. Unbelievable. I'm not super fond of classical music. So that's what I'm... How? I like words and singing. But you're doing, what do you mean? I mean, I've been in orchestras.

I've done like, I've been in bands and orchestras. I like it while I'm doing it. I would rather be in the show than watch it. I get very bored at things like that. Yeah, I mean, I don't want to go to the club and have them play like, you know, Beethoven. Well, have you ever been to like a proper dance concert? Of course. Of course.

It's boring. I mean, I'm just saying it's like Contemporary hip hop numbers and stuff Mama modern dancers Doing contemporary dance music Like it's It's so fucking freaky girl You gotta watch Tar for this Because she is She has a teaching gig at Juilliard

Early in the film where the student is conducting a contemporary piece that's like atonal crap she reads them the house down boots for it and and she's like you have to appreciate the greats but he won't because it's like

the greats were problematic it's a very fierce scene but anyways so it's ignoring the whole, like this whole history of brilliant genius artwork. It's like, I can't look at a Rembrandt because he, you know, he didn't recycle.

Right. But so anyways, the, but the genius of these, these, these symphonies, they are off the charts. Dina Martina,

five stars, Siskel and Ebert. They're as good as Dina Martina, five stars. Siskel and Ebert. They're as good as Dina Martina. Almost as good. I would say that Dina Martina is of that type of drag. Yes. She keeps it snappy. She's amazing.

No, I know. But she's the jiff that keeps on jiffing. She's no Gershwin though. She is so funny. I once saw her do I'm Coming Out The Danny Ross song It was the top of her show Before she came out She was behind the curtain

And she goes Okay I'm gonna come out Okay I'm coming out And then she came out And she had a headband That wrapped around her head With one of these microphones

On a goose neck That's held here And that was her microphone Like holder And she came out And she said I came out! And then she starts singing, I'm coming out. It was so... She is so funny.

The clip of her at Wigstock with the rose is probably, if any alien or foreign dignitary or Grace Kelly or Princess of Monaco comes to visit and says, tell me about your culture. I would just Show her that

Little clip from Quickstalk Dina Martina I would show him Hocus Pocus 2 Off the charts I would show him Hocus Pocus 2

And Cadet Kelly I would put on What you're packing With the audio off And tape their eyes To the screen You know what we should do With like

You know how like You know how if you ESP I did that with my mind ESn you know what i forgot what i was gonna say thank god remember how people used to say like oh if you play the wizard of oz and start dark side of the moon oh it all lines up we should start investigating like if i play ashley simpson's autobiography album and jerk off while i watch- While I watch Whatcha Packin'. Oh, yeah.

Is there going to be some kind of- Is that a form of divination? I think it's just called a mashup. Well, there's a form of divination where you flip open a book

and you like pick random words. Sure. That could be helpful. Oh, that's- For what? Just like for stuff. Just in general. Lottery numbers.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't go to the therapist. Crack open a book. Pick a- How many lottery numbers is the lottery? No, I mean, like, how many numbers do you pick? Five? The power.

It depends on the lottery. The Powerball? But let's say it's five. Do you think somebody ever wins by picking one, two, three, four, five? And do they feel so cunty when they do? I think. Or did so many other people pick that? You know?

I think that's the statistic question we should ask someone in probability. Because it's like, oh, the numbers I always pick are my daughter's birthday. But then, like, if you never had, basically by having a daughter, you started a wheels in motion to make yourself win the lottery. That is a really good point. If you have a daughter, the wheels are in motion for you to win the lottery. Time doesn't exist. Nothing ever ends. It's a flatbread circle.

It all comes back. Watchman's done. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's just the problem is it is timeless and it does always come back. Well, that is what I was going to say.

You know, if you're a little torn up about talking about movies three years ago, mama, cinema is timeless. That's the thing with great artworks. They're not going nowhere. Great song is going to be great in 20 years.

Don't you worry about it, baby. You don't have to be on the cutting edge of nothing. No. That's why I'm going back to Mahler. Well, people are always like, you never heard the term like one hit wonder used as a derogatory statement. Excuse me. That's the lottery. Mama, that's the lottery.

It's called retiring early. That's the lottery. I love Devo. That's the lottery. Mama. That's the lottery. It's called retiring early. That's the lottery. I love Devo. That's the lottery. I love Devo. I love their records. I love all their B-sides. Whatever.

After Whip It, that's called retiring early. You're not a one hit wonder. That's striking gold. Yes. One hit wonder like, oh, they had a major global hit

and then their career never seemed to like continue to rise to that occasion it's like girl eat your checkers the songs that are mega hits that get used in commercials and movies and stuff are usually older they're not gonna use break my soul

in a Chili's commercial tomorrow of course but probably in like 20 years they will when it stands the test of time and then it's like a retro Like oh I love that song Everyone knows it Of course So if you're like Donna Summer

Who I believe is dead Is she dead? No But if you're Donna Summer And Applebee's is using hot stuff Are you just like I can't believe This song I wrote

Decades ago I'm getting paychecks now Oh Donna Summer What a goddess The winter of our lives Okay fuck her This song I wrote decades ago. I'm getting paychecks now. Oh, Donna Summer. What a goddess. The winter of our lives. Okay, fuck her. Fuck that bitch. I watched so many videos of her performing.

That was a time of singing live and all that. Unbelievable. Head to toe Bob Mackie just singing her face off. She was from Massachusetts, I believe. Roxbury? Or Dorchester? How can you be homophobic if you are Donna Summer? Easy.

Boston, mama. I'll do it to you. How can you wear sequins and sing disco? She worked at Dorothy's Boutique, bitch. She did? Yes. Yes. In the summer?

She was looking for some hot stuff. Oh, we can't. She has great music. She's great. Yeah, great tunes. MacArthur Park? You know what was on my Spotify was Bad Girls. It, we can't. She has great music. She's great. Yeah, great tunes. Oh, is it Park? You know what was on my Spotify was Bad Girls.

It's a great track. Well, beep beep. I was going to, we remade, oh, this is a studio talk only thing, but we remade it as choo choo, eat eat,

fat girls. Oh, I love that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Talking about the fat was about. I've done a similar thing with Fatnista. You have to have a plate, grab a plate, and load a that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Talking about what the fat was about. I've done a similar thing with fatnista. You have to have a plate, grab a plate, and load a plate. Yeah.

Faces. Fat. She's always on the street looking for something to eat. We just got to do a hit song, and then we can leave all this behind. Yes. I'm dying to do a hit song, and I want it to be about the weather. Love it. I've watched the weather episode from our own show like

twice the other day. It's great. It's a mood booster. It really is a good one. All this rain. Maybe think of the weather. It was also really funny like it's almost like we've talked about everything and all that's left is the weather.

There's a lot to talk about though. But with all this rain in LA, I have to say, I can't stop talking about it and I can feel myself becoming more dull because I'll be like, I get in the Uber, I'm like, this rain. Can you believe this rain? I said it ironically on New Year's at a party

and then halfway through the party, the irony faded. And the next day, it was sincere. I had become that person. I'd be interested in the rain and talking about it. But the truth, the irony faded. And the next day, it was sincere. I had become that person. I'd be interested in the rain and talking about it. But the truth, I mean,

go to my guest bathroom. I don't want to. Water dripping. It's flooding. It's Titanic. I floated on a door from that hallway into here. Yeah.

You had a turd on a door and you had to let it sink. No, no, no. Something new happened to me. Something new happened to me. I love new things. Something new happened. Hold on. What's the time? Let, no. Something new happened to me. Something new happened to me. Something new happened. Hold on.

What's the time? Let's see. Something new. Something new. Something new. Anything new? Anything new? Oh, I saw a huge dildo up my ass.

Did you really? Yeah. How big was it? I got it all the way up there. How big was it? How big and thick? Because... It was thick.

Length is one thing but no no no i'm you know i got the shortest little teeny weeny um bread box yeah bread box it's like a pez dispenser just in length anyways uh-huh it just didn't go up very far but anyways it was heavy and huge and thick and but it has a suction and it it i couldn't believe the physics that uh allowed i was like this world is wonderful. There's so much we don't know. It's stuck to the suction to the shower wall with no problem. And anyway,

aren't you afraid of like falling in the shower and then like at my age, impaling yourself on a giant dong. Not only that, I have pebbles. I have those fish tank rocks. Reflexology stones in my shower floor. Wait a minute. Reflexology.

The bottom of your shower is rocks. Reflexology. Are you sure you're not rinsing yourself off in a fish tank? There were a lot of fish in there. No, it's the stones. It's stones. It's the smooth stones. Oh, I thought it was like loose stones.

Yeah, wood chips and yeah. A lot of pelt. Sawdust. I sleep on a pelt pelt and then i got a bunch of jelly beans in there yeah but and i i just it was i mean this was a two-hander for sure and you know ever since ever since i stuck my hand up that guy's ass and i'm like you know i'm watching this show about divorce and you know they're in their early 40s i just thought like i gotta take it something's got to give right you know, I'm watching this show about divorce and, you know, they're in their early 40s. I just thought, like, I got to take it. Something's got to give. Right. You know, you're starting to engage in taboo behaviors.

Yeah. Because you're sort of like, well, my body's on the down. Mama, it's like. And things are worn out. It's sort of like when that hair tie gets old and you have to start wrapping it twice because it's stretched. Yeah. And then all of a sudden it's Wednesday morning and you're, you know, you're putting your hair in a ponytail with packing tape. It's like.

See, I don't have sex that much. And so when I do, I'm always like, oh, oh, oh, yeah. Ow. I don't, I don't want that. I'll look right. I'll look right in David's eyes and go, ow. Yeah. And then he's going to change your diapy and it's a whole mess.

Yeah. No, but so I, we did have sex in the new house. Okay. And you know, new bed, new bedding, new bedding. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Brown sheets. The way I gave him, no, the way I gave him a death warning of in this house with this fancy, you made me buy these sheets.

We will be doing a tarp every time we do this because if we ruin this bed, we're not getting another one. You get an industrial shrink wrap. You shrink wrap the bed every night. And then you just peel it right off. I get one of those big Ziplocs. Yeah. Vacuum packed. Yeah, because I was like, we're not doing lube. It's not feces.

It's lube. Lube gets on something. It's stained and it's never coming out. I want to talk to you. I want to talk to you and you and you about the dangers of silicone lubricant. It's really crazy. It will stain everything. Your fabrics.

It will, it will end your life. It will never come out. The life of a loved one when they slip on the kitchen floor, the bathroom floor. If you get on the floor, move to another location. You have to sell the house.

You know, you can use it for wigs. Of course you can. I, uh, Shea Couleé, I remember we did a pride together. And she put it in a ponytail.

Smooth. No flyaways. Speaking of ponytails. Take it off. Do it. Yes, Megan. Why don't I do like a, that's actually not the worst thing.

It's great. It's another look. It's another wig. And we're experimenting with new. And you could dress it up with some shoes. Style it up with some shoes.

I should put a couple of these on shoes. Absolutely. It actually is not the worst thing. No, it's, what's her name? Velma. Flintstone. Oh, it is Flintstone.

Wilma. Wilma. Wilma. Wilma. Wilma Valderrama. Yes. Love her. So before we wrap it up, and we are wrapping it up,

we're not going to just hang up the phone Like we usually do Let's wind down Because when I'm listening to a podcast that I love And I have to remember that people love our podcast If Nympho Wars ever ends abruptly I am heartbroken I have to hear it coming

I know it's not considerate of us Thanks a lot bitch Sarah Silverman does this thing where she goes Dad I'm winding down Yeah. I have to hear it coming. I know. It's not considerate of us. I say, thanks a lot, bitch. Yeah. You know? It's not considerate of us. Sarah Silverman does this thing where she goes, dad, I'm winding down. She lets her dad know who listens. I love that. Because he doesn't like when she quits all the time.

Right. Of course. So maybe we should start saying it's toward the end. Yeah. Or maybe we should do something at the end every time. A natural wrap. No, we just like, well, as we're wrapping up, before we finish, I want to mention one thing.

You know what I mean? And then it's, we just have to give some kind of signal, some kind of signal. Oh, signal awards. Or indication that we're drawing to the close of the podcast. Anyways. What if it goes like this? I'm tired. Can we stop?

And I say, yes, let's go to bed together and have sex. Please let me talk about my giant dildo. Right now? Yeah. Well, I started the story. Oh, sorry. Why don't you, before we go, why don't you finish the dildo story? Yes.

I just want to end on this note is that I fit the whole thing in there and it's, you know, you got to put it in and there's a bit of a size like, okay. Is it a cucumber? I'm going to, i'm just doing my hands oh oh my god it is it is a large i would have to say it's eight inches long at least but i didn't get the whole the length is not what we're worried about and what about the very soda can it's a thick dick it's not quite oh definitely red bull is larger. This was up your ass. This is a little, it was a little larger, but of course it's not a can.

This is a bit squishy. It's silicone. But it is definitely the size, if not a teeny bit bigger than this can. So, and I'm telling you. You're in your fucking bottom era. Oh my God, your fucking bottom era. Your fucking pig nasty bottom fisting loads. So, it's not a

sniffy situation. I'm just trying to like I'm just trying to grease the wheel. I'm trying to keep wood in the fireplace. I have like extra paper towel. I'm just trying to be prepared. Well, it's one of those things like you do fire drills so that when there's a fire, you know what to do. I know where the fire extinguishers are.

If Dwayne Johnson ever shows up to your house and pins you down with that 18 inch sardine can yes well because i did have sex with a guy not too long ago who had that size dick and it was lovely to look at beautiful to fondle but when it comes time to anally insert it i said mary we're talking fairy tales this is Hans Christian Andersen metaphysical inconsistencies the Einstein Rosen bridge we're not holding space to get that

he pulled it out and you said is that something you want well let me tell you you're never gonna get it and on that note and on that note hey also you know to wash it after, right? The butt or the? No, that brown is like a cast iron pan.

It gets seasoned. It gets seasoned. Got it. Okay. You put it in the dishwasher. No, no, no, no, no. You let it be. It's seasoned over time.

Cast iron. Oh, I put some reeds in it like a diffuser. We're in the pee hole. We're in the piss slit. I hang it on the, I hang it outside. I stick it to the outside of the house. Let nature take care of it.

I donated them to a bunch of people who install plate glass windows so they could rock climbing. Yeah. Rock climbing.

Rock climbing. Whoa. That's your power. You're not quite Spider-Man, but you climb buildings with those. I'm free solo. Free solo with the dicks,

mama. Get into it, girl. Bye. Bye. Bye.