The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - Dead Teeth & Golden Showers with Sarah Schauer

Episode Date: June 29, 2021

Have you ever wanted to hear a story about the perils of making out with hot strangers while having dead teeth? Of course you have. Enter Sarah Schauer: YouTuber, actor, copywriter, ex-Viner, and meme-generator-extraordinaire. Listen as Trixie and Katya constantly face the acknowledgement of their own mortality as they speak with a millennial about 40-year-old movies and cultural references. Also, neck-fat. Follow Sarah: @SarahSchauer Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To listen to our podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com/ If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be helpful! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Easy. Go to kraken.com and see what crypto can be. Not investment advice. Crypto trading involves risk of loss. See kraken.com slash legal slash ca dash pru dash disclaimer for info on Kraken's undertaking to register in Canada. All right. Welcome back to another riveting episode of The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie Mattel, Katya Zamo, and a wonderfully special guest today.

We have got to close that door. Oh, yeah. Oh, you didn't have to do it. I'm sorry. The incredibly helpful and beautiful Sarah Shower. Sarah Shower, everybody. Hey, guys. Happy to be here. Do you incorporate a lot of shower puns into your act?

It's not like I want to. They just kind of come up. They happen. My high school nickname was Golden Shower because I was blonde. But a lot of people called me Golden Shower. Like people didn't know that my last name was Shower. So they just thought I was the person who liked being peed on. Oh, piss girl.

Yeah. Piss girl. Yeah. It's like Lava Girl, but piss. Do you know the song? Shower the people you love. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, it's a great song.

Shower the girl in that golden piss, baby. Some people hear me think before, like you're going to have a talk show and it's a great song. Yeah. Shower the girl in that golden piss, baby. Some people are really thankful for it. Like, you're going to have a talk show, and it's going to be like, in the shower with Sarah Shower, and it's going to be you just lezzing out. Yeah. Or golden hour with Sarah Shower. Yeah. You know what I mean?

I'm going to do a YouTube video where I recreate Olivia Rodrigo's Sour album, but I'm going to put shower on my tongue. Oh, my God. You know, she, okay, I'm just gonna talk about it. She asked to come on my YouTube channel a few months ago, and I was like, I don't know who that is.

I just want to do my own thing right now. Who, this one? Olivia Rodrigo. You're talking shit about me in front of me. Olivia Rodrigo. She asked to come on my channel, and I was like, I don't know who she is.

She's extremely famous, isn't she? Yeah, literally two weeks later, number one song on the planet, and I was like, on the planet? We just had somebody on the pod that neither of us really knew, and it was a weird experience. Yeah, literally two weeks later number one song on the planet and I was like on the planet Just had somebody on the pod that neither of us really knew Yeah, it was traumatizing I don't want to say it was somebody we didn't really know and it was just a weird vibe I was like, oh, I don't want to have people know I mean he was a nice guy, but so it was

But I was under the impression that somehow he was a fan of us because that stranger things have happened Yeah, and so it's like oh oh, cool, I guess, sure, why not? Very quickly into the interview, we realized he has no idea who we are. And this was set up by PR people, of course. But I liked him, so at least that was present. Yeah, you really shouldered the burden on that one. I was like out to lunch.

I don't think he even knew which one was Trixie or Katya. Is he the guy who does the impressions of people? No. He's in a lot of very famous movies like Scream. Game of Thrones. No. He's in Scream. Have you ever seen Scream?

No. Okay. No, I mean, I don't know. You've never seen any of the Scream movies? No. I'm too afraid of scary movies. I have Meryl Streep right now. Oh, my God. Meryl Streep. Meryl Stre too afraid of scary movies. I have Meryl Streep right now. Oh my God.

I almost said Meryl Streep. Meryl. Meryl Streep. Meryl. Please, Meryl, please. That's okay. Have you seen any movie? Shrek.

No. Yes, I've seen Shrek. We have Shrek posters in our house. Yeah. But cute. They're not ugly. What's the last movie you watched? I don't watch a lot of movies. I don't watch a lot of movies.

I don't watch a lot of TV. What do you watch? Do you listen? The other night I ate weed and rewatched Jennifer's Body and it was still so good. I've never seen that. I haven't either. I don't want to act like it's The Godfather. I love The Man in Cypher too. I love her. And Megan Fox. I mean, she's the godfather I love Amanda Seyfried too I love her and Megan Fox

I mean the fucking party the heavy-handed lesbianism in that movie is it just Dyke City Amanda Seyfried very nervous kind of like yeah pretty good girl and then her friend is the hot hot Megan let's go to a

bar and have drinks and like party and she obviously the subtext is like she's in love with her best And then her friend is the hot, hot Megan. Let's go to a bar and have drinks and like party. Yeah. And she obviously the subtext is like she's in love with her best friend. Yeah. Lesbian with her. Yeah. And then her friend turns demonically evil. She has to kill her.

So she eats. Does she eat people? And then she eats men and becomes like invincible for a few weeks until she has to feed again. So she's like kind of a vampire-ish character. Yeah, she gets sacrificed. Oh, work. Does she suck their blood or just eat them? Eats them. Like scenes of men cut open and her pooling their blood oh that's great and then the next day she has like a lighter up to her tongue and it's not

burning and she's like i'm a god it's so hot wow yeah it's like pcp you gotta watch this is for your youtube channel you watch it and then you talk about it just yeah but i don't know how to okay yeah i'll do that is it you know pieces of jennifer's body that whole song is that in some way is it based off that's yeah okay the whole song do you know the band whole no oh my god okay i don't know i don't i only listen to like pop music because like my brain doesn't like register anything else i only started listening to whole like a year now is whole pop no it was sort of alternative do you know who um courtney love is yes okay courtney loves band female fronted rock band called whole okay and their their album lived through this was absolutely just fantastic female angst she's the lady who killed that guy

no no no jfk no she was on the grassy. No, no, no. People, I will say, the media hypothesizes that. There is a conspiracy theory about how, yeah. She was with Kurt Cobain, who passed away from drugs. And I recently saw her at Starbucks. If you ever just go back, listen to like whole celebrity skin album. Or live through this. Or live through this.

Violet, the song. I mean, it's such a it's iconic when did i become the age where i'm like i remember being are you 24 i'm 26 26 i remember being early 20s and having old gay men be like what do you mean you haven't seen oh oh yeah yeah exactly so simple about mary yeah i'm that person already no i'm just like uneducated like it's like i don't listen or watch anything. It's like, it's not you. It's me.

And if you haven't listened a whole, you're uneducated. I am. And you're a bitch. Yeah, I didn't finish college. And you should die. I'm happy you guys are here together because we have always said that Brittany and Sarah, you are the Sarah in this. Yeah.

So it's like, thank you. And I'm sorry. It's fine. No, I feel that because I'm the older one. And like, but the thing is, is like, I'm non-binary. But like when I like people who are perceived as women age a lot faster than like men. So I'm basically a 60 for. Yeah.

Wait. People who are. Wait, say that again. So since I'm non-binary, I'm not actually a woman. Okay. So I am perceived as a woman, though. Gotcha. And if I'm perceived as a woman, like. So I am perceived as a woman though. Gotcha. And if I'm perceived as a woman, like people think I'm like 60 years old.

Got it. Totally. Okay. Okay. Okay. Yeah. I understand that. I mean, Michael Douglas is 115, but people still think he's 60.

Captain Zeta, who's 12. 12. Yeah. I can't stop telling you this all the time. I just think Sarah is so beautiful. Whenever you're here, I just can't stop looking at you. Yeah. You have a perfectly shaped face. No, it's so round. It's like if. Whenever you're here, I just can't stop looking at you. Yeah, you have a perfectly shaped face.

No, it's so round. It's like if you folded it hamburger, it would be like my forehead is the same size as my lower face. Or you could say Fabergé egg. Symmetrical, Sarah. It's just the use of a metaphor or whatever. Fabergé egg is an expensive Russian collectible antique. Okay.

Super sought after. Gorgeous to look at. Rare. Okay. Super sought after. Gorgeous to look at. Rare. Beautiful. You say hamburger. I was thinking Easter egg candy. Like you hold me in your hand long enough, I'll melt. Well, that's also true.

I think we've got self-esteem issues. That's also true. I have poor self-image. You guys are always, and people always comment that you guys are the... Oh, really? Because you guys are both hardened. Yeah, grizzled, ornery. Grizzled, mean, dark-sided.

Although, honestly, we have a similar deadpan lifestyle. Yeah. I'm very, very deadpan. I would say Brittany's more animated, but I wouldn't... You're not very... She's a screamer. Yes, she is. She's a screamer. How do she is. She's a screamer.

How do you live with that person? Well, she, like, we're on opposite schedules. She wakes up in the middle of the night, and, like, I basically drug myself to go to sleep, because, like, I can't sleep. I've considered, like, roofying myself to go to sleep. You could. Yeah, because I just have, like. Propofol.

Propofol, yeah. The doctor. The doctor would put him to sleep intravenously every night. Oh. Isn't that fucking insane? I love it. I think it's chic. Very L.A.

It's certainly very expensive. Very L.A. Honey, at 7 p.m. I have dinner and the doctor comes over and I'm out like a light. It sedates me. One episode of Murder, She Wrote and I am gone, honey. Oh my God. Literally an anesthesiologist puts him to bed. Or dead.

He's dead. Why don't you sleep i have adhd so it's very hard for me to sleep okay just to leave still even so yeah oh yeah i can't like sit still for like even that long when we when did that manifest adhd was it um did you get diagnosed yes i got diagnosed it was like in high school yeah um but my parents didn't want to like diagnose because my parents my mom's a doctor but she doesn't like believe that any of us are like mentally ill work So I had to wait until college to get like formally diagnosed, but it explains a lot. What kind of doctor is she? She's an advanced trauma life support doctor

An advanced trauma life like we are doctor. Okay. Yeah. Okay people like Terry Shivo Fresh physical trauma. Yeah, she used to be in the military So like she's seen a lot but then she like retired and now she's doing civilian stuff and she's like it's just everyone just has diabetes now oh because she was used to people getting shot oh so she's like y'all flops don't know what the real pain she was like it was like she was like it's kind of boring because people are just dying oh what's your mom's name i don't want to i can't oh if i say like she describes her patients as boring oh yeah no no no no no, no, no, no, no. Does she ever come home and you're like, I mean, I would think with a job like that,

there's some days we were like crickets and some days you're like, oh, I really worked for the money today. Yeah. I reattached 14 legs on a school bus. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I blocked out most of my childhood, but she is an amputee. She got part of her foot crushed off and she was like hobbling around in the desert. And she was in so much pain.

Like she laughs when she's in pain. So like she was just like lost in the middle of the desert in the Middle East. And like her foot had been like partially crushed off. And she's laughing. And then like a Humvee pulls up. And they're just like, hey, what's wrong with you? Hi, Barbie. Hi, Ken.

You want to go for a ride? Sure, Ken. And that's how the band With a crushed up foot So now I don't think That you're her Now I think your mom Is her Yeah

Totally While I was giggling Because I couldn't See the foot And I thought Where'd it go Hi Yeah

So you guys Are on opposite schedules You and Brittany Because Brittany's The 4 a.m. On the toilet To camera With no makeup on

Being like Yeah The tick tock From the unflattering angle. Yeah, yeah. Can we take a break? This episode is brought to you by CIBC. From closing that first sale to opening a second store, as a business owner, you've hustled to accomplish a lot. But the rewards don't stop there.

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Sarah works here now. Thank you, Sarah, the door woman. Unpaid intern Unpaid intern Featured guest We know that me Her and Brittany Are a content house

Because they live Two blocks away The TikTok house We're a TikTok house You're a TikTok block Yeah What about the TikToks Of the women

Did you see the TikTok Of the old woman Changing all the outfits And the clothes Like flying across the room When I said That's you on TikTok Have you seen it No I don't watch I can't do watch tiktoks anymore i can't i don't have the

emotional bandwidth i don't either i i just do duolingo and that's it do la peep apparently you just watch duolingo no i do it oh okay obsessed obsessed ten okay. Obsessed. Obsessed. $10 a month. I've been trying to get an endorsement. They're not interested. Oh, really? But they sent me free swag like I give a shit. Well, no, I do. Thank you.

Thank you. But like, I mean, I have a shirt, two shirts that I can wear to the gym. But you got to do it. $10 a month. It's actually free with ads. But if you can, you can issue the ads with $10 a month. Any fucking language you want to learn, bitch. I'm talking any language.

Even Navajo. Endangered languages, yes. And High Valyrian from Game of Thrones. Fake languages. Are you serious? 100%. I wonder if they have Ojibwe. Andrew Yang.

The campaign. She's trying to run for mayor. I'm not interested. Okay, we're taping this during Pride Month. I have to ask, what taping this during Pride Month. I have to ask, what is your relationship with Pride Month? Do you live, are you living for the girls? No, because I kind of want to say something.

You're hosting YouTube Pride. Yeah. I use hashtag lesbian in my most recent video and my views got cut in half. So thank you. Not very proud, is that? I don't know, but I use hashtag lesbian, hashtag lesbian couple and it

Didn't notify any of my subscribers Like I think it like I can't watch It if you're under 18 so I'm just like it's not it's not porn It's just me and my partner it is no Lesbians your your partner is very Attractive everything you do together is Porn I'm sorry it's not porn to you

But you know Jack and Jill are at home Beating the the turnip you know what and jill are at home beating the the turnip you know what i mean yeah what's your partner's name emily emily i saw she they they i saw a video with emily and you and she had a mustache on uh-huh every time i see really chic cute like lesbian in adorable, like boy haircuts and boy clothing, I'm like, what the fuck am I here? I know. Especially it's often that the hair is, I mean, a full gorgeous head of hair with a perfect hairline and a sickening fade. Yeah.

Like an amazing, yeah. Gorgeous, stunning, like. Cameron Esposito always has like this incredible coif that's just so, anyways. It just sounds great when women feel women like, when I see you in drag, I just feel like, uh, like, you know what I mean? Wait.

But you know when women are like, your boobs are bigger than mine, I'm like, yeah. I can't believe you're more gorgeous than I am. And I'm a real girl. Your boobs are better than mine. I'm like, it is. Yeah, but also, like, call me in four hours

when it's the Crypt Keeper. Emily has, like, massive boobies. It's insane because they wear, like, a binder and stuff and, like, the only time, I don't know,

I'm, like, femme and they're, like, masked and every time, like, I see them naked, I'm like, holy shit, your knockers are massive. It's insane. Is that what you're saying?

Like, you know, when you see someone... I didn't go straight to your girlfriend's knockers. Oh, I was thinking... We weren't talking about jugs, but... Your boobs are bigger than mine that what you're saying? Like, you know, when you see someone. I didn't go straight to your girlfriend's knockers. Oh, I was thinking. We weren't talking about jugs. Your boobs are bigger than mine is what you said. Oh, no.

I'm talking about like sometimes women will be like, your boobs are bigger than mine. Is that what I'm saying when I'm going? Oh, my God. Yes. Her men's outfit and haircut. I can't even compete. He's saying you're more of a cute guy than I am.

Than I've ever been in my life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. It's your partner's very beautiful. Yeah. No, I've ever been in my life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Your partner's very beautiful. No, I love when Emily wears like- They're called boobs, Ed. Do you know what that's from? No.

Okay. I'm so sorry. I'm stupid. No, no, no. You're in Rockabitch? No. It's a Julia Roberts movie. I've heard of it.

Do you know who Julia Roberts is? Julia Roberts is the Emma Roberts aunt. No, I know who Julia Roberts is She's in Pretty Woman There you go Beautiful lady She's a beautiful lady She's a beautiful lady

Beautiful lady She's an attractive girl Yeah stunning diva No yeah So my partner wears Like a lot of mustaches And like beards But they're all mascara

So like if we want to kiss Or something Or other stuff It has to be waterproof Oh yeah Cause then it just like They're drawn on Yeah

I wore a mustache to Katya's birthday and I felt so gorgeous sleeper hit of the season I felt so burned at the runway I wish I had a mustache all the time

also there's there's incredible photographs from that night professionally taken and paid for and there's one of us in the bathroom when I'm fixing your corset

and your butt looks incredible from the side I know which picture I didn't share it because I was afraid of cancellation. Sure, sure.

I mean, yeah. Is your ass? No, it looks, I mean, it's a great photograph because it's you, me, and Orville and it's like, what the fuck

is going on here? I'm in this like Mr. Slave lingerie set like this. A bunny. How's bunny with a mustache? Yeah, and he's in a friar tuck wig.

Fully sweated through my gray shirt, drenched. Tying my corset and then Orville staring at us. Yeah, it is so, it's such a beautiful. Why would you get canceled for that? Because it was, well, everybody was vaccinated, but it was like a month ago.

It was a large gathering. Oh, just say it was like last weekend. No, it was a birthday. You can lie to people? Well, it happened. Look at that camera and tell them that you're a liar. I love lying to people. Sorry, it happened. Look at that camera and tell them that you're a liar. I love lying to people. Sorry, I think there was a misunderstanding.

That event that happened a month ago actually occurred two months in the future. Yeah, it was 16 years ago. No, I looked incredible. It was so good. And nobody recognized you. Nobody. But now I'm like, it's never going to happen. But I'm like, in a parallel life, I some sort of uh person on a go-go box

and with a muscle boy and women's lingerie yeah like that guy who was at the party who was in the little dress oh what's his name uh Austin oh oh David Mason oh my god I've never I've never seen a big he's a Tom of Finland Tom of Finland wearing like slutty female clothing yeah it was so and there was there was three of them actually there was Austin Avery

and Porphy they're two porn stars and they but that's how I feel about the girls and boy clothes too and the girls in mustaches I'm like work

bitch especially if it's like I mean your girlfriend has a beautiful face and then it's just this mustache drawn out with pencil yeah

like a John Waters mustache. Oh, yeah. Amazing. I love it. Have you seen Just One of the Guys? And if not, you've got to go see it. You know I haven't. I know, I know, I know.

What's your favorite movie? The one with the dinosaurs. Jurassic Park? Land Before Time. Oh. Is that a movie? It's a cartoon? Never mind.

How about live action? It's an animated film. Oh, wait, no. I haven't seen that. What about actors in live action? It's a cartoon? Never mind. How about live action? It's an animated film. Oh, wait, no. I haven't seen that. What about actors in live action? Any live action movies? I can't remember people. I'll give you a minute.

Off the top of my head. No, no, not people. Just the movies. We'll wait. Yeah, we'll wait. We've got all the time in the world. You know, let's just go down that road. Have you seen Clueless?

Yes. Great. Have you seen Clue? Yes. The original with the... Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have seen that.

Oh, you're... Oh, you're oh you're you're mama you're doing great yeah you're ahead of the curve have you seen citizen kane um like in like film class and like college incredible i haven't either i don't want to either have you seen that was a great podcast which movies have you seen have you seen Have you seen Jawbreaker No Witches of Eastwick Is that the one with Vanessa Hudgens And there's like all on Spring Break No

That's Spring Breakers Yeah No No Jawbreaker is Vanessa fucking Hudgens I know

I wish The Princess Switch 15 It's Rose McGowan Rebecca Gayheart It's three girls They they kidnapped their best friend on her birthday and they gag her with a jawbreaker as a joke and she chokes on and dies and they have to hide it it's a dark teen comedy it's heather s have you seen heather's i feel like you'd love

it yeah the one with um the lady from stranger things winona rider yes she stole things this is why it's so i mean i mean boomer boomer, boomer alert, boomer alert. But I just, it's funny how you have different references because you're 25 years younger than me. But the thing is, it's like my brain doesn't work. Like it's not like, if a normal person would be able to answer these questions, I just can't remember people's names off the top of my head. No, there's no such thing as a normal person.

So don't worry about that. Yeah. You know. You came in this house with a full head of hair, a beautiful bead of makeup on perfectly. Yeah. You said you're old. You're irrelevant.

You're, you're ugly. You're disgusting. I'm going to kill you. Give me $300. Here's your postmates. This is the bald and the beautiful. We normally ask this question at the end.

We forgot to ask Jeff this. Um, when did you know you were beautiful? Um, I feel like that's a that's it's an appropriate response to that question when did you ever first do you remember when you first looked in the mirror and you were like okay okay so i was really hot in high school and i was also really hot in college i think in college is like when i story i got like the top sorority is when i realized i was

like hot hot but then like everything went downhill when I gained weight and started everything like drinking and smoking and drugs. Right. You were not a great big fan but we're not gonna go down that road.

You smoking cigarettes nowadays? I like to but not like Yeah baby let's smoke them. My teeth like my teeth We're actually here to smoke. Yeah.

That's what I can do. I can change smoke. We're gonna take a cigarette break baby. You're just here to smoke. Yeah. But my teeth in the back rotted. So I had to get them all pulled. And so.

From smoking? Yeah. So now I'm like. No, no, no. Not just smoking. Other things. And grinding my teeth. Thank you.

Thank you. Okay. Look at all these back teeth. So they're. I mean, this is an anomaly though. Yeah. Medical mystery. This person is.

However, however, it's the fluoride in the Marlboro water, public water system. In Massachusetts? Oh yeah. Work. Lovely tap water. Kept these. No, so your teeth fell out,

all of them. They didn't fall out. Like, okay, so it was gross because I started to like, you know when you have like dead teeth and they smell?

I burped and it was like almost like disgusting. The grossest. Yeah. This is disgusting I was talking about. Remember?

Oh, the teacher. Dead teeth. Yeah, dead teeth. Sometimes dead is about. Remember? Oh, the teacher. Dead teeth. Yeah, dead teeth. Sometimes dead is better. But it is a fetid. It is a death smell. Yeah, it's like rotted.

It's like a gray mist comes from the mouth. And so when I moved to Los Angeles, I wanted to be a lesbian. And so I couldn't make out with people if I had dead people in my mouth. So I had to get all of them pulled and I just it took so long it was like 15 like dentist visits and they kept like pulling teeth or like filling things in or my My retainer fell out and it was like stabbing into my gum and it like grew into my tooth And so I was I had to get that like surgically removed. So, okay So when they pull out a tooth they yank it out

Yeah, they replace it with a kind of a bookmark or is it, do you get an implant or? Yeah. The ones in the back are like fake. Implants. Yes. Okay. You're getting implants? Yes. And those are, yeah, those are expensive.

They are. Yeah. Almost 2000. I mean, I don't want to call you the $2,000 to pop almost. Oh, I don't want to tell your business. You recently got the cool sculpt on the neck. I did. Talk about it. Oh my God. Okay. So I like didn't think it did anything because I still have this. But like last year I was like, my face was so round and then they like froze the fat

on my neck. With what? It was like just. A freeze ray. What the fuck do you think? Bags of frozen peas? Arnold Schwarzenegger and Batman and Robin. With a neck brace.

It's like a, like a freeze. I don't know. It's like, it looks like a back massager but it freezes it and then they switch it on either side they strap it to your face for an hour

and then the most painful part is that when it's all frozen the lady comes in and she massages it and it feels like someone's stabbing you in the neck but like

all the like the fat basically went away after like six weeks and I'm gonna do it again and I'm gonna have a fucking incredible jawline I want this cool sculpt

do it I am very. I can't live like this anymore. Get the bag, sis. Get the bag, sis. That's fascinating. I'm deeply suspicious of those kinds of procedures. It freezes the fat cells and they die and your body excretes it, basically.

But fat cells don't. They shrink. You know what I mean? They shrink or they expand. They don't they shrink or but you know what i mean like they don't they shrink or they expand they don't really yeah but you can flush out the number of them that you have yeah it's like when you get like frostbite in your foot like the toes actually die oh we're just dying neck yeah the fat in your neck Sarah woke up and looked in the mirror and said i'm gonna be hot and my neck is gonna be dead dead neck bitch neck bitch. Yeah. That's intense.

Yeah. May I ask how much that cost? You can say it off the air if you want. Like a couple thousand dollars. A couple thousand. But her high school reunion is coming up in two years. She's going to go in there. It's actually next year.

This big. The neck is this big. She's like clock the profile. Clock the jaw. Next year. I graduated in 2012. Okay. High school.

So you're going to go in there. You're going to let the children have it. Without saying a word now Um some might there's only one person I would want to actually like meet at my high school reunion because like they're like Twitter famous Now but like I don't know anyone else meet him in the parking lot. Yeah, go home. Trust me I was supposed to go to my high school union I missed it. So I'm very envious of you to be able to go and let those whores have it What is the look full hair and makeup? Um, yeah Yeah. Look like a raging lesbian and like super successful.

Extensions. Extensions for sure. Briefcase. No chin. No. Yeah. Going the most Los Angeles they've ever seen. Briefcase.

Super tan. Oh, get your neck done six more times. I want your neck to look at your wrist. Get my eyes dilated. A toothpick balancing on like with a. Yeah. Eyes dilated. Yeah.

Just have those like big like glasses on Eyes dilated Yes Brows glued down Yeah Huge teeth White Huge teeth

Yeah double stack veneers And then corset And just walk in and go And like no one will notice But I don't want you to enter like Drag Race And pause and say a catchphrase And people are like what the fuck is going on Be like hi everyone

Still a les Or like I don't know and pause and say a catchphrase. What the fuck is going on? Like, hi, everyone. Still a les. I don't know. I don't. Is les offensive? Short for lesbian. I love the hey, les. Hey, les.

I love it. But you know what? I'm 60 years old and. Is that your. Just a statement. Basically, we're asking For you to speak On behalf of the entire Women who love women community

Yes And let us know Is it okay to say Les On behalf of all Gen Z Queer identifying people Is it okay for me to say Les Just kidding No yeah as a millennial

I like to speak for Gen Z Yeah Are you a millennial Yeah I was 94 Shit I am too I'm the last Like millennial We're as young as she is

Yeah Of course Apparently You're a geriatric millenn. I'm the last millennial. We're as young as she is. Yeah. Of course. Apparently. You're a geriatric millennial. I'm an old millennial. Yeah. I'm the- Tree people of the millennials.

Your grandmother willow. Grandmother willow. I'm Whistler's mother. Yeah. Totally. No, I am a millennial because I was born in 82. I'm not a boomer. What comes after that? Gen X. Oh, fuck. in 82. I'm not a boomer. What comes after that?

Gen X. Oh, fuck. That's why I'm not a writer. This is going to sound really stupid, but I remember, like I say, Grandmother Willow, when you followed me on Twitter, it was a couple years ago, and I said, I'm turning 25 and I'm going to disappear into the wood and braid my skin into the bark of a tree and become Grandmother Willow. And that was the tweet that you liked and then followed me for. Yeah i love that and that's exactly what she did i mean that's the

suggestion that's that's like that's why that makes sense now that you would think that we're similar because that's very yeah like oh yeah that sounds like a good time yeah and i will do that too i i would believe you were 18 years old thank you you. Don't you think she has a baby face? I think you could be a kind of, you have, she, you have this like perfectly beautiful, like Faberge egg face. And Sarah came on the channel and she did a self care video where she had no

makeup on. So brave. Beautiful story. So brave. Um, question. Do you miss buying? Um,

no, I don't. Cause it was like, I don't know. It was like just six seconds and everyone kind of like left towards the end fucking sick i thought it was seven no it's six six yeah what's the formula just like a punch the only thing i liked about buying is it did produce so many like sound bites that i think of a lot hey wait a minute mr postman hey remember that one no i was thinking like free shivakadu free shivakadu of course what's

free shivakadu someone read this like sign it says like fresh avocado and he was like free shivakadu also um road work ahead i sure hope i sure hope it does that's good that is good you're ugly you're disgusting that could have been a vine Yes The guy With the clarinet On the stripper pole Oh I was thinking The guy who's like I'm a cowboy baby

Oh I'm a cowboy Yeah So these are memes Yes They are now But like they were Now they're probably Decade old vines

Proto memes It actually would be Kind of cool If like Duolingo Did like memes You know So you learned Like how to say

Free shivakadu in Spanish. They do. Oh. You get to download the app. It's $10 a month. Could save your life, Sarah. If you were going to move, if you were going to learn, learn. Trixie, what's wrong?

If you were going to learn a new language, what would you learn? You wake up tomorrow fluent. German. Good. Yeah. Spanish america's first language and i think it just german just so fun and my parents speak german german is so fun well you know like when your parents don't teach you like the language that they speak yeah no no no but i understand that that would be like why didn't now i'm mad for you your parents could have just given you that for free while your brain was so mushy.

For free. Oh my God. Isn't it crazy how like baby's heads, you can like shape them? Fontanelle's mama. Soft spots in the skulls. I'm so mad they didn't give me like an amazing jawline. You could have just like,

clamped it. This is crazy. They didn't teach you German. They didn't fuck with your head. What did they do? Neglected me. Damn. Damn. You have a superpower tomorrow teleport teleportation telekinesis or telepathy which one would you do telekinesis is the thing you can move stuff with your mind probably teleportation because I steal a bunch

of stuff oh yeah bank robber yeah stealing yeah by the way i bet you'd use it to go two blocks to pavilions go to france no i'm just gonna go to pavilions um you've been really open on your channel and everything about like therapy and stuff how have people have people been bullying you online um it hasn't it's just like i i don I don't know. People have been bullying me. No, they're just annoying. They're like purposely obtuse, you know, purposefully obtuse. You could say the most, like, I don't know. You could talk about your life experiences and they're like, this is a great take.

And then they give their input as if it's like a hypothetical situation. And that's what pisses me off. Wait, wait, say that again. I'm always like, so, so like, since like the teenagers online only learn about like LGBTQ stuff through like Tumblr and stuff. They don't have any real life experiences. So whenever any actual gay person talks about their experiences, they're like, this is a great take. As if you're like an example. You're living critical theory or whatever.

Yeah. Oh, that's that's patronizing and annoying. And it's just like and also like people, you're not a dude. People talk to you like the dumbest person in the entire world. Right. Yeah. Though the shit that fucking women and that they get onto i mean on the internet especially yeah just any woman whoever just like presents a fact presents an opinion or some kind of piece of data is

immediately discounted and challenged like it could be literally a nobel prize winning physicist and some dude would be like well actually it's like yeah crazy is that like so i don't do like body positivity stuff i just do like jokes or like talk about like serious topics and they're like i love seeing my body type represented i was like why the fuck do you need that have you ever said that to a male comedian before in your life they're like doing like a stand-up set i love seeing my body type represented it's like like when we say we need represent like more women in stem we don't need like more fat women in stem we need more women in stem imagine going to like a scientist and being like i love seeing my body type represented in the in the chemical lab it's like no there's just what are you doing well i also like i mean for me as a gay person too like

i don't need it to be gay something can be the other in a situation on TV and I can make the connection I can fill in the blanks I see the X-Men and I see myself I don't need it to be a white Native American bald gay man who does drag for me to be like finally yeah yeah yeah good luck because you're never going to get it

like a little empathy goes a long way or identification you can kind of yeah yeah yeah I, it's funny I love the whole like I love those like So the bravery of being fat in public. You're so oh my god When I don't wear makeup my YouTube comments since I have like such a dark under eye circles They're like you're so brave for looking like that in public. What an inspiration I like add another name to my suicide note.

You are in the intro paragraph of my suicide note. What is the suicide show? Dear Evan Hansen. 13 Reasons. He's the 14th reason. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You are the 14th. Dear Evan, 14 Reasons, Hansen, Love Simon.

Was it 13 Reasons that the person committed suicide? That's what the show is about? Yes. I only know it because because what's his name dylan minnette there's like the main guy and he's in the band wallows and i love that oh um yeah that guy and then i saw him i saw him in a commercial it's like is that the guy from wallows oh he's apparently a famous actor is he a gay no he's not gay okay well he's brave anyway Can you accept that No Oh man What's your favorite color

Jesus fuck I love a lull I love a lull in conversation I love Somebody I can be comfortable around Sarah By the way Sarah When you said we went to

Buffalo Wild Wings Did you mean Dive and Busters Yeah They're the same thing in my head We went to Dive and Busters And it was so fun I'm sure it was Actually me

You The three of us And Brittany That was my first meal Out in over a year At a restaurant At um Rocco's

Yeah Yeah First meal at a restaurant In over a year It was thrilling What Rocco's food is good I

That pizza fucking I wanted to shove That pizza up my ass I know I did I almost ate it When I shit out of the toilet The next day

Actually We're gonna take a break Not almost We're taking a break I did. I almost ate it when I shit out of the toilet the next day. Actually, not almost. We're going to take a break. We're taking a break. I did. Can we take a break? Yeah. We're taking a break.

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Great hip mobility, honey. You've been doing Taibo. Thank you. Oh, remember Taibo commercials? I remember Taibo classes. With the man? Billy Blanks. Yeah.

There was an exercise routine, or like an exercise video. It was a fad, yeah. Yeah, and it was about like a rope full martial arts, aerobics and martial arts. Essentially. Tybo is faux martial arts. It was like,

um, like boxing, Richard Simmons boxing. Yeah. Do you have a pepper spray? Uh, no, but I have a taser.

Oh, fierce. I have one too. And I'm so scared of it. I love walking down the street and like, just like setting it off. Have you ever, have you ever tased anyone? No.

Do you feel like Selena Kyle when you have it on? You mean the singer that got shot by... No. I'm talking about Michelle Pfeiffer in Batman Returns. Oh, um, Hairspray. Do you like the movie Hairspray? Yeah. Hairspray's lit.

That movie's great. I mean, I wouldn't say John Travolta's my favorite thing. No. The costuming and wiggery in that movie is amazing. No, I love identifying famous celebrities by the CSI episode they were on. Oh, totally. It could be like Tom Hanks. It's like, oh, my God, you were on Law & Order SVU, right? Or the American Express commercial.

One time one of my friends ran into Reba Mccintyre and he was like oh my god you were in tremors and she goes she was like thank you so you're the only person who ever recognized me from that so thank you so much she was like humored that he wasn't like oh you're reba right you were in tremors well it's a deep cut yeah what would you say your tremors is yeah um i'm not like famous but like so like i've been like recognized a lot, but like one time this girl came up to me and she was like, oh my God. And I was like, vine. And she was like, you fell off the treadmill at the gym.

And I was like, yes, I did. Cause the power shut off and like, I couldn't see anything and I fell. And I was like, you're like the only person who knows me from that. It's not even like something that was filmed. I just fell. I fucking love that. That's great. She saw you fall off a treadmill at the gym in real life yeah but it was like years earlier and so i thought she was about to be like you're from vine she's like you fell off the treadmill when the power shut off and i was like oh my god i did that would be like if someone came up to me

like oh my god you were misgendered in Mrs. Charles' fourth grade class. That is sickening. I love that. That's a great refreshing kind of encounter. Yeah, it is. Do you have a driver's license? I do. It's from South Carolina though.

Do they have the same rules? Yeah, you can still drive with it. Can you pull more than six axles? Do you know what I mean? Class C. Yeah, I can drive lumber around and a motorcycle do you like what's your favorite car dream car um the one that the batmobile i don't know ford f-150 uh sure i love i drive a dodge uh charger so i look like a cop it's like an old cop car that's that's... Oh, a Charger, yes, it's a hot, hot, hot muscle car. That's like a chase people down the street

and kill them car. That's a hot car. Yeah, but it's like everyone slows down around me. My registration is so expired that it's the color of next year's registration. So whenever someone gets behind me, it's a registration from 2017 and it's green and the 2020 Sue is green. And now I'm like it looks like

Broken clock is right twice a day. Totally You've really waited it out. Yeah, that's a really smart technique. Yeah wait it out and you'll be right. Yeah celebrity crush every six years Um, I don't know people's names. Um, I Don't know you Thank you you oh you didn't say me oh you were saying i should say mine no you guys are hot donna karen donna karen i i don't know i don't i don't it's always like a fleeting thing i i don't know people's names either i watched the newest saw movie spiral spiral this rock any good and i was gonna go to the movies i'm glad i didn't see it like embarrassing i was like samuel jackson and chris rocker in this it's this bad and he produced it is he the saw guy no he's like the cop was like the main character and it's it's just it's just

bad i'm so done with cops i i was addicted to merivist town and and it you know it's like a small town detective i'm enough with the cops enough with the mythology of cops let's move on to something else do something else do my brows anything construction worker but anything anything people love cop shit though it's the mythology it's a huge myth it's it won't go away but is being a cop anything like what being a cop is portrayed on television it's a huge myth. It won't go away. But is being a cop anything like It's tons of paperwork. It's tons of bureaucracy It's beating people of color and it's like boring and violent and horrible a lot of heart disease. Yes. Yeah, I Asked my brother went to a police academy after he was

Convicted in murder. No, you know, okay And he was like And I was like Are people Are people who go to be cops All racist He goes A lot of them yeah And he goes A lot of them just want that job Because they just want a gun

And they want to feel like They're in charge of things He was like I went to cop school With a lot of shitty people Yeah No yeah It's like nurses

And I thought he was gonna tell me like No they're not alike And he was like Oh no they are Yeah you think nurses Are fucking angels Nurses are the like the female like cops you know because they have like power you know over people and they want to be depended upon but they just like abuse it like like nurses are like it's like the worst profession for like people get like

treated like shit yeah i mean my mom's a nurse i know and she's a fucking cunt she's been she invented the game yeah yeah no but she's well back in the. She's been beating me. She invented the game. Yeah. No, but she's, well, back in the day was you were a nursery teacher if you're a woman. My aunt was a teacher, my mom was a nurse. You had two options.

You know, it was 1875. People hadn't invented drag yet. Yeah. One last question. Oh. Oh, yeah. If you were stranded on a desert island

and you could only watch one porno on a rickety laptop for the rest of your life, which would it be? You don't have to describe a particular one, but maybe a setup. There is this like homemade like lesbian porn that I keep returning back to. It's just this girl eating her girlfriend's like pussy. I was going to say. Why are we home?

What? I've seen it. Well, no, it's just you can tell. You can tell it was like shot like on their phone because it's like vertical. And then there's like black on the sides on the floor. And I'm like, this is great. This is nice. It's just because the audio is way too loud.

And it's really like you can immerse yourself in it. You drop in. Yeah. But I was going to say Two Girls, One Cup. Oh, come on. I told people that I was in that video. And now I can't escape it. I was five when it was filmed.

There are two videos that I wish I had not seen. That's one of them. What's the other? I'm not going to say it because I don't want to. I was five when it was filmed. There are two videos that I wish I had not seen. That's one of them. What's the other? I'm not going to say it because I don't want to. The guy getting fucked by the horse? The jar?

There's three videos. Yes. Now there's three and yes, those are all the ones. Yeah. Have you seen the jar one? I haven't, but I've...

The guy squats on a jar and the jar breaks in his ass and you just see so much blood come out. You see drips and then you see shit. Shit. It was my drag race audition. And I got it.

Well, I got it. Sarah, thank you so much for coming on the pod today. Thank you for having me. You are a woman of grace. Not a woman. Sorry. Can you let the children, look in their little eyeballs here and let them know exactly where they can find you. You can find me on YouTube as Sarah Shower or TikTok or Twitter or Instagram.

I'll Sarah Shower. It's just shit posting and it's not good. None of it is good. No, it's excellent. It's incredible. No, you could definitely like look at my Twitter and diagnose me with BPD.

Like immediately. If borderline personality, if TikTok was more like your TikToks, I would like it just disturbed. Funny, funny, funny, witty,

inviting. Thank you. Thoughtful, provoking, clever. I loved you thoughtful provoking clever i loved you guys like well i've loved you guys for like years so this means a lot this doesn't feel real well it is no none of it's real honey it's all simulation oh yeah did you used to watch on you told me you used to watch it like yeah i remember like on time hop like in 2016 it said like i posted something on instagram like i just paid all my bills And then in the background is your guys's show And I was like holy shit this is so crazy

I think I'm gonna watch it when I'm if you know God willing in 10 20 Years I'm gonna rewatch it I love Watching the back of your eyelids in a wooden box I'm Springing for a box Ash in the water

Wet mud Cover me in pig shit it's a box. I'll just be a little ash in the water. Wet, wet mud. Cover me in pig shit. It's a wrap. Bye. Bye. Thanks, Sarah. Bye, guys. Bye.