The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - Glory Holes & Catsup with Jeff Maccubbin & Ron Hill

Episode Date: August 10, 2021

It's time to put on your fancy underwear and start chilling that box wine, because the co-editors of UNHhhh, Jeff Maccubbin & Ronald Hill, join the girls in the studio to talk about the best porn scenarios, flesh-eating rockabilly chicks, and the dirty secrets to UNHhhh's brilliance. (hint: it involves dark magic and doughnuts) Follow Jeff: @EvilJeff Follow Ron: @ArtOfWot Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To check out UNHhhh: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAynLsuMD30&list=PLhgFEi9aNUb2BNrIEecCGXApgeX7Yjwz8 To watch the podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com/ If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be helpful! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

I'm going back to university for $0 delivery fee, up to 5% off orders and 5% Uber cash back on rides. Not whatever you think university is for. Get Uber One for students. With deals this good, everyone wants to be a student. Join for just $4.99 a month. Savings may vary. Eligibility and member terms apply.

Looking for a collaborator for your career? A strong ally to support your next level success? You will find it at York University School of Continuing Studies, where we offer career programs purpose-built for you. Visit continue.yorku.ca. Well, welcome back to The Bald and the Beautiful today. We are here with, um, I, well, I don't know who they are. we are here with the people oh it's like um we're the ventriloquists and these are the geppettos like pinocchio and geppetto right wait do you know what i'm talking about i know so geppetto makes the puppets behind every great woman

is an even better man that's sexist yes what isn't rasputin puppets rasputin great woman is an even better man. That's sexist. Yes. What isn't Rasputin puppets? Rasputin, isn't that his name? Oh, what is it called? Svengali. You're the Svengali to our stars on... I'll take it. Yeah, Svengali is a person who controls you,

influences you. Something you need to know about us is all of our references are current. Current in the zeitgeist. Rasali um basically we're here with jeff mccubbin and ron hill who are the superstar editors of our wonderful web show and today we're gonna be in a takedown piece yeah of ourselves yeah because we get all the credit for this show and we don't deserve it mama we don't do jack shit Nothing Sometimes I do less than nothing

And then you guys have to Fucking wizard that shit into gold What's the most shocking Oh go ahead I don't think you guys Give yourself enough credit I No

I'm guilty of that No She gives herself plenty of credit I don't deserve any of it Yeah We haven't cancelled in a while That's big Showing up is 100% of the job

I almost cancelled the other day I know you did And she does this thing Where she's like Should we And I'm like Say it Say it

Say it Say it And then she doesn't say it Yeah It's like Beetlejuice Like I need to say it three times I'll say it twice Candyman

And then she's like You don't have to talk to Barb, just say it. And I refuse to say the third one. I'm literally Candyman. Instead of a hook, I've got the cancel button, and I'm just right there in the mirror waiting for you. It's you with Starburst. Yeah.

Do it. So you edit our show. We do. We act in your show. Yeah. Acting. Yeah. What's up with that?

Yeah, what's that all about? Like, how do you do that? What goes through your head? Do you love it? Sorry. I don't even know where to start. I know. How did you get this job?

I know. When did you start, Ron? I started as a night shift assistant editor, and it was my first job out of college. Night shift assistant editor? Yeah. my first job out of college. Night shift assistant editor? Yeah. I knew nothing about Drag Race. I knew nothing about drag. And I just sort of like worked as a night.

So you were like the Matt Damon in the Good Will Hunting. Like you were like the janitor who like wandered in and solved all the stuff. But less problematic. And just like Matt Damon, you just stopped saying Pegasus. And thank God for your daughter who did that treatise and really educated you because... And it was the fact that it was nine pages.

If it had been eight, no. It was nine pages. No, I don't know how long it was. I think the treatise was a figure of speech. I just don't understand why you would even... Of course, it's horrible, but I'm also like, why would you tell people?

I just stopped saying it two days ago. Because he is a movie star that is a white man. Well, I mean, before he was on that show where he was like telling a black woman like how. Oh, Project Greenlight. Yeah, on Project Greenlight, telling her how diversity should work. Like, so he. Yeah, he. He's been dumb as shit.

He has had some. But I want to know, what's the original thing he said? Like, what did he say? I want to hear the joke. Matt Demon. What's the joke? Oh, it's probably just like, pass me the potato salad, faggot. I mean, you know what I mean?

It's probably just as innocuous as that. Yeah. I hope it was like T.S. Madison. Faggot. Ooh. Queen. At the drive-thru. Yeah, at the drive-thru.

Yes. Well, he is from Boston, Yeah, at the drive-thru. Yes. Well, he is from Boston, so he probably says the R word regularly. You know, the F-sword. He, you know. There's a lot of R wording in Boston. Oh, yeah. And it's not like they're in another timeline in terms of like the political correctness education. The witches were just hung yesterday.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, they're in a totally another timeline. Where are you from? Where are you from? Baltimore. Oh, God. I mean, yeah, they're pretty bad. Yeah Hampshire so I am hamster. We're in New Hampshire Springfield. It's like a town of a thousand people. Oh, wow Is that where they name right on straight?

Less like way off the beaten path. Yeah, they're up on a farm. Yeah, my parents have animals like what kind of animals pigs Chickens they stopped having the pigs once the Bears got the pigs Do you have bears or the Bears came from outside? They're wild Where in there they have like a little outdoor pig pen and it only got one of them and then the other was like Traumatized oh shit. They probably that pig probably saw that pig watch the other pig get skewered Yeah, what now? We're you did you see the remains of the pig? I? Just think of the whole episode. Oh the pigs just getting it

Checkers is just get checkers just getting it Watching my dog get murdered by neighbor. He's just get Anyways, fine What did they really he really fuck up that pig? Oh, yeah. She just carried it off into the woods. Oh, that's good. Yeah, that's good.

That's preferable. And maybe they're friends now. I don't know. Yeah, remember Charlotte's Web? It happens. Oh, no. I hope it was like, I hope it was like, I hope it's called a We're Here, but it's called It Follows.

I wish We're Here was It Follows. The part where she's standing there and the hair gets like pulled up oh yeah or now that pig is brought into the woods to learn how to be wild yeah you know you guys seen no no yeah it's awful you gotta see now it's yeah really jodie foster pretends to be a wild a wild a girl who lives in the woods who's like unhumanized from people yeah because her twin sister and mom are dead so she's living in the woods alone since like childhood yeah and they find her and she's like hey it's very strange it's like a broken tennessee accent it's like not close to english at all fully committed and there's this part where she is in public at a bar and she pulls her tits out do you remember that no i don't yes there's this part where she is in public at a bar and she pulls her tits out. Do you remember that?

No, I don't. Yes, there's a part where she she's being hit out at a bar and the guy's like trying to get her to take her shirt off and then she pulls her titties out and it's like spinning. It's fierce. It's fierce. Wild. It's fierce. It's fierce. So basically I went from Nell to editing.

Yeah. So you just went Wait, you went from what to what? From Nell. I was. He was Nell. You were Nell to editing. So you just went from what to what? From Nell. He was Nell. You were Nell. Well, that works with a nonverbal titled web series. How long have you been working on it? Since episode 10, Drag Etiquette.

Oh, shit. So you're really on the ground floor. And that was you and Chris Smith? Yep. Yeah. Damn, in the beginning it really was just like, it was probably less editing. It was a shorter job It was it we were allowed like way less time like there was way less editing

But I remember they were like three or four minutes Yeah Yeah But I remember watching the episode before the one I edited because Chris just went on vacation one week and Pete was like hey Can you edit on this week? I remember watching what he was done doing like week and Pete was like, hey, can you edit on this week? And I remember watching what he was doing. And I was like, oh, I got to step my game up. I got to match his energy.

And I think that's what it's been like. You've talked about this a little bit before, but it's pretty much always been two editors. Cutthroat competitors. And then, yeah, we're trying to one up each other. We just threatened to kill ourselves all the time. I was like, that's what you did. I should just kill myself, right?

He's like, no, I'm going to kill myself. So one day we might just both be dead. We do the same thing just about showing up, though. Except she's like, should I kill myself? And I'm like, yes. That's it. That's the whole conversation. Trigger warning.

Trigger warning, yeah. The lettuce, the taste of sadness. Trigger warning, not wanting to go to work, and therefore jokingly saying you're going to kill yourself. Mama. So how long have you been actually, that means you've been working on the show for one, two, three, four, eight years? I've been at WOW for like eight years, I think.

And then like the show has been like. Since 2016, 2015. Five years? Six. Six? Six years. Oh, God. It's a long time. It's a long time.

It's a long time. No, it's not six years, is it? Yeah. That's three times longer than Seinfeld. So it's like one season a year? Yeah. Are you ready to have, would you guys participate in a friend-style reunion on HBO Max in about 30 years? Yes.

Yeah. Okay. I'll be in an urn. Only for friends' money. Yeah, that's true. This is ignorant. Do they get paid to do a reunion like that? Oh. They're going to get a lot friends money. Yeah, that's true. This is ignorant. Did they get paid to do a reunion like that?

Oh. Of course they did. Courtney Cox finally got nominated for an Emmy. For that? For doing the reunion. Are you serious? She's the only

friends actor that didn't get ever get nominated. Oh, so it was a sympathy nod or sympathy nomination? That's okay. So what?

They're all sympathy nod. I mean, I'm never going to get one. Well, you guys might get one. I'm never going to get one. nod for sympathy nomination. That's okay. So what? They're all sympathy nod. I mean, I'm never going to get one. Well, you guys might get one. I'm never going to get one. Never say never.

Never say never. They are so bogus. Emmys? Yes, it's like the drag pageants where they're like, they say it's her year. I'm like, what the fuck does that mean?

So it means these people can't win because it's their year. What does that mean? I don't know. And I want to know what Amy Adams and Glenn Close did. And also, when you win over and over for the same thing, it gets a little foolish and crazy.

Yeah, I suppose it does. And then they give you, they have the thing where like, they give you one, the makeup Emmy or the makeup award for like the, you do a shitty movie in 2010, but you should have won in 2009 for the great movie. So they'll give it to you for the shitty movie. Right. That was going to be Glenn Close and hillbilly energy.

Oh, yeah. And she should have won for that. Glenn Close, but no cigar. Yeah. That was a big time. Yeah.

And she showed up in like a 25 pound gold Cape. It was, you know, although if you were nominated for an Emmy, but you know, you're not going to win. Cause there's like some juggernaut, like Nicole's nominated again for

Nailed It and she's like I love getting nominated against RuPaul because like I'm not going to win but I get to go and then she says it's like a load off her back because she doesn't have to actually worry about a speech or like but you should have won because Jodie Foster didn't think she was going to win at whatever

this the Golden Globes or whatever she won and it was on Zoom she was going to win at whatever this, the Golden Globes or whatever. She won. And it was on Zoom. She was in her bedroom with her lesbian wife. And she was just like, oh, oh, wow. Oh, oh, what? Really? Whoa.

Wow. Oh, geez. Can you, what? And it was just like, just say thank you and let it, it was so weird. That's so weird. That's better than fake crying about God and stuff. No, just don't mention God, but fake cry all you want. Like, or ugly cry like Halle Berry in Monster's Ball.

No, I hate when they're like, I hate when, I mean, whatever. I hate when they say thank God. Mary, God ain't. Thank the PA on set that day before you thank God. Yeah. Mary. Yeah. Anthony Griffin told on set that day before you thank God. Yeah. Mary. Yeah. I think Griffin told Jesus to suck it.

I loved it. Every second of it. You never saw that? No. Oh, my God. She gets her Emmy. She says, you know, a lot of people get up here and thank God for that award. But I want to say that no one had less to do with this award than God.

And then she said, suck it, Jesus. This award is my God. And people were so mad really that's hysterical so mad first yeah I'd like to thank our lord and creator the savior of all of us the one who made this all possible or could you imagine if you got up there and let thanked Allah or something people would be so mad but if you thank God no one cares they would or yeah or Ganesh what about like a strange um strange Hindi deity? Zuul. Zuul!

Yeah. The best one is, did you ever see the best supporting actress for Nurse Jackie? I forget what her name is. Mary Weaver. Mary Weaver. Did you see her?

She literally went up and she just went, thank you so much. I gotta go. And then just walked away. Yeah, that was great. And Elaine Stringer's was great. Was she panicked? I think she was probably just walked away. Yeah, that was great. And Elaine's stretches was great. Was she panicked? I think she's probably just nervous and just surprised.

Yeah, I think she's like, I don't want to do this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The problem is I would get good and loaded and I would, and then I would, then. Add another thing. The problem is it would be that I get good and loaded and then accidentally win. And then I'm, you know. And we know that classically when celebrities are off the rails giving a speech no one ever gets worried about them would you guys make faces if you lost would you make

do that like polite clap or would you be like i would storm i was at the streamies yeah yeah grab the purse and hit the door i said ron get my purse and he's like you don't have one I said get the purse That was crazy I forgot that was so crazy. I'm so glad I didn't go to that Yeah, I would've been fun. No, it was fun to go. It was fun It was fun to go you're talking about the B tier year, right? Like when we didn't even make it to the To the real event. Yes. It was when we were- You were at the daytime Emmys? Yeah. The streamies? 100%. Oh my God.

Do you know what the food situation was? Listen, I love the streamies. We win them now. Please don't kill us. The food situation was a food truck. Yeah. It was an In-N-Out food truck. Which was delicious.

That's fantastic. Oh, okay. I would live. How was the line, though? It was fine. It was at a college, which was a little odd. Nope. Don't like that.

Is that UCLA? UCLA? We were on a college campus. We were in a college campus. We were in a community college. Oh community college oh see i'm into that that's when i saw she was six five that's where it all started yes did you meet um uh like was everybody there the glitter oh no because this was the no there was a lot of producer creative i mean logan paul was there right with where's what jake paul one of the one that saw the Japanese man in the suicide. So and he was there with his whole entourage dressed to the nines for a podcast like like mafia dress, like black tie, black shirt, black suit. No, like the straight content creators have like a posse like full time. Yeah, I

can see that, though. There's mega rich. I can barely get Brandon to give us a ride here. I know. But think about like straight men who like strike your written you know they're gonna wild out yeah yeah but it was fun but then we it was just there was a musical acts which was you know everyone like it was it was a little rough but everyone was like very encouraging but it was like one of those situations where everyone kind of look at each other and was like Yeah, I would've been like Well and also like YouTube people are let's just say in person sometimes a lot different than they are on the YouTube Some people are really so good on camera and then in person they're scared

Yeah And so they had these like recurring jokes to the nights like this is the biggest night of the year because We're content creators. So none of us go anywhere or have any lives. And it is funny, but it was like, I believe you. That's 100% true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some of them, though, are very charismatic.

But the most part, they're like, yeah. They're wacky in real life. Yeah, they're wacky jacky. We also never know who they are. So then when they come up to us, we're like, who is that? No idea. But some of them do act like they are Julia fucking Roberts. Yeah. They surly do. But some of them do act like they are Julia fucking Roberts. Yeah.

They surly do. Anyways. But it was fun. Did y'all get the streamy? Not yet, no. We got to follow up on that. Oh, no, no, no. It should be coming in the mail.

Oh, really? We bought them for you. Oh, yes. Yes. You have not still had a stream. Now I'm nervous. We bought one for each of you and Pete. Oh, thank you.

Yeah. And that was many moons ago. It was like when we got it. Yeah. Yeah. That was a long time ago. To be fair, though, ours took a good few months to go in the mail. So I never got one.

You didn't? Nope. I have on my trophy mantle is a queer tee that is not engraved. It's just an orange asterisk. It could belong to anybody. Yes. Mine came and says, tricks me to tell them everything.

Well, great for you. But how did I get one and not you? Probably because I am so vocal about not giving a shit about the streamers and plus I don't want to pay for it. They said, we're going to teach you a lesson today. Well, teach me the lesson, mama. I'm not coming back next time.

But don't take it out on us. I know. I know. But some of us would not like to be taught a lesson, and we'd like the award, please. Like, crazy. I mean, was yours engraved with the correct spelling of your name? Yes. It's a silver statue.

It's a woman like this. I mean, yes. Are you joking, joking? I'm not joking. Hmm. It's fierce. It's like one of my most prized presents. I love it more than my Drag Race crown.

Wow. I love how invested you my drag race crown. Wow. I love how Invested you were in the stream. He's like how upset you were when we lost and how excited you were when we won Like I love it. I was she goes Do you I thought we they hid they hid it from us the whole thing We knew we had a beat sheet of the entire day and then they said Bernie broski's in on the bus for touch-ups And we're like, okay. Oh, yeah, and then she whipped out that award It was a couple they kept it from us all day and then they said, Brittany Broski's gonna be on the bus for touch-ups, and we were like, okay. And then she whipped out that award. It was, I couldn't believe they kept it from us all day. And then they cut the cameras.

How many more times did I ask, is this a joke? Is this real? Is this real? It was Wendy Williams. What wig am I gonna wear? How am I gonna act? Am I gonna cry? Also, it was at the end of the day,

and it was a little, it was a long day. I love the Streamys, but I called her and said, she called me and said, do you want to do this streamies thing? Because if you do, I have to start emotionally preparing myself for that. Just because it was like 16 hour day. But I didn't know that. 16 hours on a bus. On a moving bus.

Tell them what time we had to be on camera in drag. I think it was 8 a.m. Uh-huh. Yeah. So that means getting in drag at home. 5.30. Packing the the bag camera ready and then leaving the house

uh huh crazy yeah the things we have to go through for the stream although they paid us though they paid us and I wanted that award

I wanted it yeah I feel like looking back it's like it's only fair that they gave it to us but it was it was our hillbilly energy moment

they made you work for it though yeah they did we'll give you this award but you need to in 16 grueling hours on a moving vehicle, like, a.k.a., you know, Keanu Reeves. James Charles gets hers delivered to her doorstep. Meanwhile. They're, like, shooting you at your feet.

Dance, I can't believe. Dance. I wish they'd been holding it in front of you on a fishing line. Yeah, seriously. How much of this had been on the bus? Cameras mounted all over the walls, and we're trying to, there's literally a teleprompter. And we're like, and the next, we're on traffic. And the next, some of those times where we're talking, you can see us physically jolt.

Yeah, it was a lot. I mean, they might as well just like shoot us out of a cannon into like a pool full of piranhas next time. Oh, so then when it aired, we had a group viewing on Zoom, remember? Oh, yeah. I think I tuned in for about two seconds. You were there, right? Yeah, I was there. Well, she wasn't there for the win, was she?

No. You popped in and left. But were you guys gagged? Were you happy? Were you genuinely happy? Can I tell the truth? Absolutely. You told me.

Oh, that's right. Oh, no. And then I think because you, what was it? Pete said, don't say it. Or it, you told me. Oh, that's right. I know. And then I, I think because you, what was it? Pete said, don't say, or no,

you said, I said, we can't tell Ron. And she's basically has a bargaining chip. If we can't tell Ron, can I tell Jeff? It's the only way I won't tell Ron. I can't keep it secret.

I gotta, I gotta, you know, I wanted a pure reaction. Did he tell you? Did he tell me? That I told him to pretend like he didn't know. So he started crying and puking. I was calling Jeff beforehand, like practicing my shocked face.

Oh, wow. And they were all better than the face I made during the Zoom meeting with you guys. I was like, oh, wow. No, but he literally, he wouldn't shut up about it. He kept talking about it, being like, I just think maybe, do you think we'll really win? And I'm just like, I can't take it anymore. Oh, he was like, do you think? Oh, you were really, really like, oh.

I wanted to win because I want to win, but I also wanted to win for you guys. I was like, everybody here deserves to win. That's sweet. It is all we have. It is all we have. Ha, ha, ha. Ah. Everybody here deserves to win. That's sweet. It is all we have. It is all we have. Was that a cry for help, Ronald? Was that a cry for help?

No, it's just funny. Because we get credit for that show all the time. And you guys never get credit for it. I know. Pretty much every opportunity we have doing press or whatever, I mean, I always kind of belabor the point that it is really through no talent of my own. I mean, I show up in a wig, and then you guys do all the heavy lifting. But we were very lucky because you probably couldn't name any other show, YouTube show, where they're like, who are the editors of it?

Yeah. Where at least you guys are nice enough to mention our names and say who we are. You guys are so nice to give us credit and i mean look we we can do the editing on stuff that isn't funny in the first place and then it feels forced and it feels like you're kind of like pulling people like if people notice yeah if like you did dateline but in your editing style it probably wouldn't have the same yeah'sy. To catch a predator. Yeah. Or like...

Remember to catch a predator? Entrapment. Is that still allowed? No. Entrapment. I think they... No, because the one guy committed suicide and then they stopped doing it. Oh, wow.

I think they should stop predators, but also I was always like, what happens to these people? They should just focus that energy on catching people who are trying to swap genders to go back to the high school to like right or wrong. What? You mean like you mean like never been kissed?

Yeah. But if they dressed up like a girl? So it's kind of like one of the boys meets never been kissed. No, yeah. Like go undercover

to get people to find out who else is undercover because apparently everybody's doing in high school. I don't know. Strangers with Candy.

I've never seen that. You've never seen Strangers with Candy? We talked about this when you were on the pod. I was already ridiculed. I was dragged through the mud. Well, let's do it again. Yeah. What are your favorite, what's your favorite TV show?

What's your favorite movie? What's your favorite color? Oh, we know his favorite a lot. Oh, The Green Mile. Okay, so are we coming clean on everything right now? Okay. Yes. Look, The Green Mile is a phenomenal film.

Yeah. It was one of many movies on my list of movies that I enjoyed on RKCupid. Favorite TV show? Probably Fleabag. Okay. I love Fleabag. It's great. Favorite color? Orangeabag. Okay. I love Fleabag. It's great. Favorite color, orange.

Orange. Yeah. Favorite movie, probably Lord of the Rings. Which, all of them? Return of the King. Okay. Have you seen Old yet? No.

Have you? Oh, sure fucking did. Did you live? I live. It is probably the worst movie I've ever seen in my life. But in a fun way? I was not bored. Okay.

It is fucking ridiculous. It is? It is outrageous. I thought it hadn't come out yet. No, it did. I think it came out like last week. They get old. Mary, this family goes on vacation to a resort, right?

And you meet these cast of characters. Everybody is like completely just their profession, by the way. It's like the doctor only speaks in medical jargon. The psychologist is trying to get everybody to process. And so they go to this private island, come to find out every minute on the island is like a year. So they just start aging and dying at the end of the movie they're all dead and old hilarity ensues there's this skinny um uh stuck up bitch who had like at the beginning of the movie she's like i have a calcium deficiency

i've got a calcium deficiency does this drink have calcium in it? And I'm like, okay, we get it. She's going to die of a bone thing. And she goes, and then her bone, like she, Mary, it's pure camp. You'll love it. Osteoporosis? She, like, hump. She develops a hump, like, in 20 minutes. And her, like, she gets

old, hump, and then she's, like, freaking out, and she breaks an arm, and then it heals right where it is, because her bone, Mary, it's like, but she's like freaking out and she breaks her breaks an arm and then heels right where it is cuz her Mary it's like but she's narrating the whole time everybody's narrating what's going on because it's like oh it seems to be that the the rocks and the gravity and the thing are aging us about approximately did it did it I'm like what it's crazy whoa it is insane it's insane hump she gets a hump hump what I was talking about a look crime

And she was talking about um she was talking about her number She's like I do like a Quasimodo number to my humps I was like so you think people with different bodies are funny you know Ben super PC And we were on camera and her eyes just She's always so afraid of you in trouble you should see it though you would love it. Oh was like I'm just it's fine she's always so afraid of getting in trouble you should see it though you would love it

oh of course I better watch it it's kind of like it's not as great as Ma but it's in that vein oh yeah somebody said it was

this generation's Ma which Ma was like three years ago but we're all aging quickly especially on a beach yeah

yeah it's good so any luck on the dating apps? Are you seeing somebody? Do you have a girlfriend? No, I'm single at the moment. Okay. Yeah. But I don't know.

Yeah. I mean, I know plenty of girls who... What's your type? Do you have a type? Yes. Okay, Jeff. Jeff can tell you my type. I'm too embarrassed.

What is his type? He likes a girl with a fun color hair, like a magenta or something. And a girl like a bad girl. Bad girl. Like kind of like a rockabilly bad girl with tattoos and like dyed hair. Oh, I like that for you. Yeah. That makes a lot of sense.

Maybe a piercing. Maybe like magenta hair, blunt bangs and a couple tattoos. Like a winged liner, like a Kat Von D. Yeah. Criminal record. Kat Von D, I think, is pretty...

I had someone who like fit that description slide into my... We matched on Bumble and she messaged me and she was like, I'd eat you alive, but I just wanted to let you know

that I love your work. And that was the end of the conversation. Mary, please eat me alive. She said, I'd eat you alive. Why didn't she do it? was the end of the conversation. Please eat me alive. She said, I eat you alive. Why didn't she do it? Yeah. What's the follow up there?

I know. I eat you alive. Don't threaten me with a good time. Yeah. What does that mean also? I'll eat you alive. Like my pussy will like pulverize your, shred you up. I mean, maybe it was literal and she just didn't want to like, she wants to on the continue.

She didn't want to kill you. We're going to find out more about what kind of girls right after a short break this episode is brought to you by cibc from closing that first sale to opening a second store as a business owner, you've hustled to accomplish a lot, but the rewards don't stop there. When you earn two times more points on things that matter to you and your business, easily track those business expenses, and experience flexible Aventura rewards, you'll realize how much more rewarding your hustle can be. Get up to $1,800 in value when you apply for the CIBC Aventura Visa for Business at CIBC.com slash Aventura Business.

Terms and conditions apply. First, the bad news. SAP Business AI won't help you generate cubist versions of your family's holiday photos, but it will help you understand which supplier is best to help you roll out your plant-based packaging in Southeast Asia, identify the training your junior project manager needs to rise up the ranks and automate repetitive tasks while you focus on big innovations. So you can be ready for the next opportunity. Revolutionary technology, real world results. That's SAP Business AI. And we're back. Oh, we're back. So I have a girl for

you. I'll show you a picture later. I don't want to put her on blast right on the air but okay your mom yeah my mom's sister my aunt yeah she's 10 years older than my mom

I love her her name's Chloe Sevigny yeah let's see what okay I have a question yes

what kind of men do you like because you have you have a man are you guys open is that too personal yeah but what kind of man is in like the porn you search for i go through i go through phases of what i like but the last two boyfriends i've had have been asian so um but i usually like shorter and smoother

and not white. Yeah. I like that profile. Love that. Yeah. White guys just don't do anything for me, really. Really? Not really.

I think when I was in Baltimore, it's like there's just no diversity. It's the most segregated city in the world, so it was just hard to, like even the gay bars were like separated. There was like black gay bars and there was white gay bars. It was crazy. Good old Baltimore. So it was just hard to like even the gay bars were like separated there was like black gay bars and there was white bars it was crazy good old baltimore so it's just hard to like meet other people that didn't just look like pasty white people you're from an island that's the opposite of old they don't age yeah

you're you get how you're i actually got a bunch after the last the last podcast it was when i got a lot of sexual propositions on Instagram. People I saw, I looked at the comments and be like, fuck, are you fuckable? Jeff, fuck those other whores. I want to fuck Jeff. I'd suck that box. I'd milk that clit. I would kill Trixie just to be able to lick his glands.

Yeah. Like just some people just straight up just full on dick pigs, whole pigs. Do you like that? Oh, like just some people just straight up just full-on dick pigs whole pigs like just that Mmm, I mean Not for not the first thing anything else second thing because they could be anybody's I need to see I mean I let I'm Attracted to a face first. Yeah, if you're not providing a face picture on the internet, I don't know what you're doing I don't know what you're doing trickery deceiver II follow you're doing. Trickery, deceivery. If I were to just look at bodies, I would cut up a cadaver. Yeah. Google.

Yeah. Just penis. Penis only. And if you're not supplying conversation in a face and like making this somehow more engaging than pornography, then what are we doing? Yeah. You know what I'm going to do? Next glory hole I go to, I'm going to go with a squirtable dildo and I'm going to put the

dildo through and then just squirt salad dressing at them. Ketchup? What about people who say catsup? Ugh! I hate that! Catsup? I don't think they say it. I think they spell it that way and then they say it differently. Wait a minute, so catsup

is the correct spelling for that? It's the correct spelling for ketchup? No, no, no, no. You can spell it C-A-T-S-U-P. But people don't say ketchup. Yeah, no. They say ketchup. Jail. Did you think?

Jail. Jail. Federal prison. I'm from Baltimore, so we say everything weird. Yeah. Do you say you got to go home? Home. I'm going to go home, drink some water.

Fuck. I'm going to go wash the car. Fill my car with oil that's when i hate the most oil oil oil oil um my home was i had an oil lake i gotta go wash all the the the gnomes in my yard oh my god horrible horrible yeah what is that it's not sexy no although the whisker one ain't that great either. Oh, Wisconsin? No, it's not good.

But it has more pep. Yeah, it makes everyone sound really dumb but really nice. Yeah. Yeah, it's hard to make sexy. USA's, A-OK. Yeah.

Catch us in your mouth, I'll give you a prize. That sounds fun. That's fun. That dropped in gorgeous. Yeah, yeah. Catch us in your mouth. Oh, you're cute.

Oh, you're cute. Oh, you're cute. What about the Boston accent? Ignorant. I mean, it's just- Homophobic. Homophobic, racist. Catholic.

Catholic, yeah. Just like pretty much it hits all the negative buzzwords. Like molested but can't talk about it. Don't like black folks. Don't like F slurs. Probably going to beat my girlfriend or wife it's like not the best thing ever but like i love the celtics and the patriots yeah likes dunkin donuts yeah american runs on them i always think of on that ferry to provincetown they have the

dunkin donuts right next to the ferry i think of all the donuts i could eat in there i with dunkin donuts with a large iced coffee with cream and sugar. I fuck with their donuts a lot. Fresh. Yeah, fresh, but like base level good. It tastes like a grocery store donut, and that's what I like about it. It's better than a grocery store donut. Yeah, fresh out the oven, chocolate frosting. It is like the dictionary definition of a donut.

It's not any better. It's not any worse. It's not as sweet as Krispy Kreme. You ever had Krispy Kreme fresh out the oven in Las Vegas airport? Yeah. Yeah. It's so much sugar. It's a lot.

It's a lot of sugar. And it disintegrates in your mouth. Yeah. Yeah. It's crazy. What is the nutritional value there? Diabetes. It actually kills you.

Yeah. Just diabetes. It's like bacon where it actually hurts you to eat it. No. Bacon is fine. Isn't bacon... Don't they always say that actively takes minutes off your life when you eat bacon? I'm sure I have some right here.

Well, eat some and let us know how you feel. No, this is turkey bacon. But bacon is good. It's not worse than a donut. It's all in moderation, I guess. Yeah, but I mean, come on. Paula Deen once made a Krispy Kreme breakfast sandwich with like egg and cheese and bacon with instead of a bread, it was a Krispy Kreme donut.

Yeah, then she fried it in lard and then add some M&Ms. And oh my God. Do you guys miss going to the office? You guys used to edit at the office, right? At World of Wonder. Do you guys have water cooler talk there? Yeah. Yeah, but we still get that because because we just FaceTime each other randomly.

I will say I recently moved, and two or three months before that, I did feel like I was going insane because I was just living and working out of a single bedroom. Oh, my God. Come on, old Jesus Christ. I love my roommates. It was the best possible roommate situation you could hope for, but I still just kind of stayed in my room all the time.

It's too much. And finally, once I moved, it was like a breath of fresh air and i can i can like focus again and my cat has room to roam um what's your cat named shelly hobbs hobbs yeah oh like calvin and hobbs yeah oh oh yep welsh what'd you say orange oh orange. Oh, orange cat. Like Hobbs. How old is the cat? Like eight. So he's an older cat. He, she?

I just adopted him. Okay, so he's got plenty of time. Is that old? Eh, we'll see. They say like nine to 12 years, but they live a lot longer than that. Nine and 12. Cats live longer than that. Cats live forever, like 16 years and shit.

Andrew's got that Chihuahua that's like pushing 16. It's got a drain in the back of its neck. It's still right there. We saw Andrew's Chihuahua today. Was attacked by a raccoon. Horribly mauled by a raccoon. Yeah. Drain in the neck.

What was the dog doing outside? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. The raccoon was trying to get in their house and was completely unfazed by Andrew, who was like charging it. And yeah, fat, wild, rabid raccoon and a family. Uh-huh. In the heart of West Hollywood, Vaseline Alley. Honestly, he got off early. He got off easy.

He got off early. He can't. You know what he did? He nutted all of that raccoon. He got off early. He can't. You know what he did? He nutted all over that raccoon. He got off easy. He lives, I don't want to say what street, but that street he lives on is where also people just walk in your house. Oh, Mary.

Naked tweaking. So he, every time he walks from his, I didn't walk down that street, but he walks to the studio, which is a couple blocks up and he always gets propositioned. It could be that he is always nearly nude, glistening with sweat, long Countess Luanne hair. Half hard. Half hard, huge butt. Yeah, giant pecs and all that. But yeah, but people like, they will drive by

and they'll be like, hey. You're not allowed to, they have the signs in West Hollywood that says no cruising in their side neighborhood. What? You've never been that? No! Like if you go south of Santa Monica, like like right south of santa monica all those residential areas they have signs that says no cruising well how do you force that well the the car thing is too no it's

just saying hi wait a minute cruising like driving yeah i don't like that i mean cruising if you're walking control yeah i think it's like cruising and like stopping and like i think that maybe there's just like a lot of like male prostitutes or something. Well, yeah, because I think they convince him for being one all the time

and they'll like follow him around the block. They'll like pass him then like do a Yui come back. It's too much. That's what the

that's what the chasers used to do outside the gay club. And I loved it. They drive around the gay club and roll the window down this much and drive slow. Come here. Like the Daytona 500. I'm going to approach your tinted window car with the window down this much

where I don't know if there's a gun or how many people are in the car. No, I would. And I did. And there was never a gun. And there was usually just one person except there was a dog once. But, you know. What about, we were talking about this. What about when you get the. And there was usually just one person, except there was a dog once. But, you know. What about, we were talking about this. What about when you get the ride thinking if you give the handjob or whatever, you get it for free.

And then they go, it's only 15 bucks. Yeah. I fucking blew a cat. I didn't blow him. I gave him a gestural, you know. You gave him the Jennifer Lopez experience. Like South Park. I gave him the ex- experience. Like South Park. I gave him the ex-girlfriend experience.

And I was like, you know, I was like, oh man, I jerk him off. Because he was sniffing. Sniffing hard. And he still charged me for the ride. And my fucking, I paid for it. Just because he was horny, he still has to make a living. That's a really good point when you put it that way. Yes, it is.

But however, do my services, are they worth nothing? I was trying to make a living too. Maybe it wasn't good. Am I 70, David? Oh my God, you're trying to tell me that my calloused, bony witch claw might not have brought him to orgasm?

And knowing you, working with you, I bet there was no makeup on the hands. Of course there wasn't. There's red knuckles. Red knuckles. No, we got purple knuckles, gray white hands, and then hair, lots of hair. Those are red knuckles. Red knuckles. No, we got purple knuckles, gray-white hands, and then hair. Lots of hair. Yeah, hairy knuckles.

Hair and cheap rings. He probably got a rash. Yeah, he's like, I mean, whatever. It is what it is. So many humiliations in drag. Have you guys ever bought a hooker? I've had, like, a sexy massage. Oh, yeah.

Do you like that? Yeah. I like it because you just have to lay there. Do you get the real massage, too? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Do you like that? Yeah. Okay. I like it because you just have to lay there. Do you get the real massage too? Yeah. Oh, okay. Is it usually like a pretty legitimate therapeutic massage

before the yanking and cranking? Yeah. I would think like they'd have to give a pretty convincing, like where they'd be like, put on the spa music and put out some crystals, but then have no training.

They'd be like, yeah. Yeah. Well, but that's like when I worked in the pornography. My favorite scenario to do is the massage scene. Really? Really, why? Because it's all about like the corruption of power,

is what I was trying to get at. But oh, no, because in it, you always had to either have the perverted client and the legit masseuse, or the legit client and the perverted masseuse. I like the former. I like it when the client is... Is wholesome?

No, I like the pervert. I always like, because the power dynamic has shifted. It's like, you know, you're vulnerable, naked in the chair with the professional. I want the client to turn the masseuse. Yeah, they turn over and then they're erect. I want the man to be like, but no, my wife. And her to be like, she'll never know.

You know what I mean? Can I tell you a really bad line that I literally had someone say? Yes. Because the one he just kept, he started the massage and then his wiener like rubs right up against the person's head. Of course. But then he goes to the back and then he pulls it out and it's like between his butt crack. And then he's like, wait, what is that? And he goes, it's a massaging tool.

And then it goes in and then he's like, wait. It's a tuning fork. And then he goes, wait, but why are both of your hands on my shoulders if you're using a massaging tool? It's a Johnsonville brought. Something doesn't add up here. He's got one hand and two hands whoa

I like doing scenes where people the first scene I ever had to write was someone came into the wrong apartment it was like the floor below

just drunk crashes in the bed the person who's really there wakes up hot naked guy he's like I'm gonna call the police

and the guy turns over and he's like but wait I have a boner. And in the scene, I actually have him, he has his hand on the cell phone with nine and one dialed. And then in his other hand is the guy's wiener. And he's like.

Sophie's choice. That's what he chose. He called the police. That's what got me hired. That scene. What was, who is that? Do you remember who that was with? Johnny Hazard. Oh, that's a while ago. Yes, I love how you remember who that was with Johnny Hazard

and oh that's a while ago yes I love how you know who that is oh Mary I know my porn and I can't remember

who the other person was I have a question have you guys ever pitched things at WOW or anywhere else that you wanted to do that didn't go that you were like

that was so cool you know because OWN will die someday what do you want to do next well they are doing something maybe we've pitched things and maybe they did go and maybe you are getting fired tomorrow i will say i love the job of course but when we signed in for 90 episodes it's a lot mary magical thinking magical felt like science fiction it felt like in Broke Down Palace

when the one girl decides to stay in the prison so the other can leave but neither of us left we're both in the prison I'm Claire Danes and Claire Danes

you decide to stay in the prison and I just go get out I mean we love our job and we do want to keep doing uh but it is one of those

things where we want to be able to do on and do other new things Yeah, so it's always a balance of like trying to figure out maybe how many we've done this season. I Really have no idea. I don't you I think you Filming wise I think you've almost filmed it. We're almost done with this season right? We're almost a 30. What is the season? It's 30. It's 30 episodes cycles of 10. That's always the case Mm-hmm. Oh because now I think it's 10 they take a break 10. It's so it goes all year sort of So I think we're almost done with this season. Yeah, cuz we did a lot. I mean that if we started six years ago That's crazy. That's so sick. So the number of episodes is crazy when the number how many what do you guys on 150 160?

It's like 160s. Yeah, that's crazy when the number how many what do you guys on 150 160? It's like 160s. Yeah, that's crazy What do you think of 160 drag looks over the that's that's well crazy for me maybe 90 It's also crazy from a perspective of like oh what episode was that in and then we have to go Well, yeah, because it's nowadays with all the times that we repeat stories ad nauseum I mean with sometimes we'll repeat a story three, four times. And no one stops us.

And because we don't know it. Because we don't know. The thing that I love though is it's, and you hit the same beats and the same jokes. Well, that's a good sign.

Maybe a good and bad news. Good is, um, you're, uh, you're on the right track comedic wise, but you also have dementia.

Also, it's clear that we not only repeat stories, we don't listen to each other. Have wise, but you also have dementia. Also, it's clear that we not only repeat stories, we don't listen to each other. Have I ever told you this? No. Oh, and both of you are just, it's the first time you ever heard it.

Goldfish brain. Goldfish brain. Screen wipe. I think that's an asset. Yeah, it is. And sometimes like, because everybody knows we don't really hang out in real life. We only talk here and on camera.

So sometimes we'll, you know, I don't know. Maybe we should stick to more topical things. We're always telling stories from like a decade ago. We're never telling stories from like this year. Because nothing happened to me this year. I got an electric bike. That's it. There's nothing else to talk about. Mayor of Easttown. I could talk about the Mayor of Easttown for three episodes.

I do like when we can make jokes about the fact that you told the jokes. Yeah, well, yeah. You seem to have a lot of fun with that. Last night I laid in bed and thought about watching The Handmaid's Tale. That's the closest I've come to watching television in a while. Oh, my God. You don't count Real Housewives of Television? Oh, that's homework. I don't. Yeah. I don't know. I sometimes put it on. But is that really television? Like

a real series like that? Oh, you mean like a scripted thing? Okay. I don't really watch anything like that. What's the last amazing scripted series you watched? It's Why Women Kill. Is that good? It's campy as hell.

It's so campy. A lot of male nudity in that? There's like a lot of male eye candy. There's a lot of male eye candy. But no, nothing. There's a lot of male eye condi. But no, nothing. There's maybe a butt shot or something. We should do an episode of, that's not really on a topic,

but that's just Midsommar related. The movie Midsommar? Yeah. Just set yourselves on fire. No, no, no. I jump from the thing, break one leg, and you were to come with the mallet.

Yes. I honestly like... We watched it yesterday. I have no issue living in a society where at an age you jump. I have no issue. Let's wrap it up with dignity and some... You know what I mean?

Well, maybe not dignity, but... 72 is fine. Yeah. It's incredible. Who's that... I mean, I guess like Betty White is doing shit at 90 but like who's hitting their stride three people really we haven't seen her in a while yeah she could be dead right now my friend was on hot in Cleveland a

couple years ago and he said that there's like he's like there was just a group of handlers like making sure she stayed alive just like how are you Betty do you need here's your like just like oxygen oh my god that's for real yeah yeah yeah I would rather just I want to do that thing I want to cut the hands

you know slide my things on the rune slab and then just plus they're all what I didn't like about that movie is you're gonna go

jump off a cliff right you're all having these dignified tiny little shot glasses of booze I'm like if we're jumping Mary you're bong

like let's do this I'm not doing a th're jumping, Mary, beer bong, like, let's do this. I'm not doing a thimble of, mm, juniper, mm. No, I want,

like, you jump with the beer. Butchug. Butchug. Were they tripping? Was it like, butchug? I think they were,

I think they were, they were turnt. Turnt in some way. Yeah. To jump? I think they were turnt. Yeah, everybody gets turnt

before a ritual in that movie. They drink a little. Like acid, whatever that acid stuff. They're butt chugging. Yeah, they're butt chugging a mescaline. Yeah. Oh, let's take another break. Yeah, let's take a break.

Introducing TD Insurance for Business with customized coverage options for your business. Because at TD Insurance, we understand that your business is unique, so your business insurance should be too. Whether you're a shop owner, a pet groomer, a contractor, or a consultant, you can get customized coverage for your business. Contact a licensed TD Insurance advisor to learn more. Prime Big Deal Days is coming October 8th and 9th with exclusive savings just for Prime members. Involuntary deal squeals can happen, like the deal on new running shoes squeal. The deal on a new blender squeal. Or the infamous deal on a new massager squeal. Save big on electronics, fashion, and more this Prime Big Deal Days, October 8th and 9th.

Upper Canada College inspires boys from senior kindergarten to year 12 to find their passions and realize their potential. An IB World School, UCC offers a supportive environment, cutting-edge facilities, and a best-in-Canada financial assistance program. UCC, a place where tradition, excellence, and innovation meet. Learn more at our open house events on October 15th and 16th. Register now at causeandeffect.ucc.on.ca. I loved that movie. It got me together. It's one of my all-time favorites.

Both of his movies are so hereditary. Are we back? Yeah. We're back. Wait, wait. Did you see the one where the... His short film? No.

Oh, Mary Dugan. The music video for 9... His short film? No. Oh, Mary Dugan. The music video for 9-1-1? No. Ari Aster, he, in college perhaps, or film school, he directed a short film where it's this middle-class black family, and the secret is the son rapes the father. What? So it starts at the wedding.

The son gets married and it's you see the the father is forced to blow it's

it's a blowjob thing so basically he goes through his whole life raping the dad oh so it's like an ongoing thing oh yeah so it

and then it I think it starts at the wedding reception the the son's getting married to a woman and but they have this little secret and the son continuously And I think it starts at the wedding reception. The son's getting married to a woman. But they have this little secret. And the son continuously, ancestrally rapes the dad.

And the dad is trying to tell people about it. I think he's writing a screenplay or something. The kid finds it. And then I think everybody dies at the end. I've never heard of this. No, it's not very well known. I watched it and I was like, holy fucking shit. How do you get from that to everybody dies? How did they all die?

Okay, so spoilers. But like, he runs outside and gets hit by a car. I think the mom finds out. And I think maybe he kills the mom, too, the son. That was originally the pilot for Murphy Brown. Yeah. It was verbatim. For Party of Five.

Yeah. It was Cheers. Yes. It was called Queers. I mean, it's wild. It's wild. Also, I don't understand the logistics of, I mean, we don't have to get into the logistics of rape, I suppose, but

blowing a man that does not want to be blown, how does that work? Oh. Just suck it on a noodle? Sorry. I don't know. I don't know. I've luckily haven't been in that situation in a long time, but

But anyways, that movie was wild, or the short film was wild. You should watch it. I don't think I know. So who likes it? No. What's your favorite restaurant? Oh, God.

These are the fun stories that don't make it into the final. Yeah, I know. Ronald, we have to focus on you for the majority of this episode. Okay. Okay. This side of the room is done. Yeah, yeah. This is done.

We're talking about porn. We're talking about... I'm afraid I don't have many stories for my time in porn. It's okay. I have a questionnaire for you. Is that okay? Yeah. What's a sound that you love?

Oh, fuck. Not that. Not that one. Okay um okay actually I do have I got this button this plastic button of you guys saying uh and they prototyped it for drag con and the speaker is so bad that it just sounds like garbled digital droning and whenever I need to cheer myself up I press the button and just like relish the fact that it was too bad to be sold. It just sounds like you guys are like being murdered. Like a snuff film of you two being murdered.

I'm open to that. I wish I brought it with me. What's the sound that you hate? Chair scratching on the floor. Especially because I just moved into a new apartment with new floors. You know what I hate? People who, teeth on the fork.

Put the fork in the mouth. Bite the fork. Pull it out. Yeah. Yeah. What are you doing? Do you bite ice cream? Yeah, I know what you're talking about.

Of course. Oh. You can't just lick it the whole time. No, I mostly just lick it. You mostly a licker? Because I'm not. I like an ice cream cone more than like an old. Oh. You can't just lick it the whole time. No, I mostly just lick it. You mostly a licker? Because I'm not. I like an ice cream cone more than like an old. Oh, no, mama.

I want to chew it. When I get that cone, I bite the shit out of it. I bite the hell out of it. Doesn't it hurt your teeth? No. See, my teeth are too sensitive. I get it on the spoon and I bite it. No, I bite it.

Last night, I got a little turnt. And I ordered two pints of Ben and Jerry's to my house. And I ate half of each. It's about a thousand calories. No. I'll house a pint like that. The ice cream you made, the peanut butter ice cream, is like some of the best ice cream I've ever had. Oh my God.

My ice cream career was short-lived and there was some highs and some lows. I gave you an incredible batch and I gave her a bad batch. Oh my God. It was like a bag of like nasty yeah it had too much egg in it it was just like eggy I was looking forward to it a big ice cream lover I said Mary this is rotten but I made him chocolate peanut butter ice cream and that was lit what's that what's the calorie percentage compared to Ben & Jerry's on that any idea yeah well Ben & Jerry's is similar to like

homemade ice cream and that it's like a high milk fat content because did you you know that if something has less than 10 percent milk fat, it's not legally called ice cream. So when you go to the grocery store and you buy like a giant thing of ice cream, it'll be called frozen dairy treat and stuff like that. Frozen dairy treat. Isn't that crazy? Also, when you make ice cream, a lot of it is whipping air into it to create like bubbles in the fat globules. So a lot of times like the giant gallon bucket of ice cream is the same weight as the tiny fancy ice cream it just is filled with air isn't that interesting that's like how subway can't call their bread bread anymore what there's like not enough actual bread in it what is they legally can't call it newspaper

clippings like what is it i What is it? I don't know. Because there's so much sugar and preservatives and stuff in it. It's not really bread. There's been all the controversy about the Subway tuna, right? Where it's like, oh, well, come on. I mean, it's just like fish-like paste. I mean, if you're going to Subway, get in the tuna. Yeah, you got to come. Isn't it like imitation crab where it's like fake crab that's just flavored with a teeny teeny percent of real crab i that's why we don't need to eat seafood no i do not fuck with seafood especially i mean

i'm vegetarian but also i do not fuck with seafood right work in p-town and people are there you crack it into a fucking lobster are you kidding me yeah why don't you just go in like in an alley in manhattan get a large rat and then just saute that and eat it? You have to crack the exotope to suck out the white. Do you eat lobster? It's a lot of work, but I like lobster. Clams, hot chow crabs. Baltimore, we do crabs.

Crabs. I one time saw somebody had a plastic bib on with a lobster that said, let's get cracking. You do mussels? Yeah, mussels. You do muscles? Yeah, muscles. You fuck with all of it, don't you? Yeah, there is some like fishy fish I don't love. Such as? Tilapia, I think.

Hysterical that Gia named herself after literally the cheapest, smelliest fish. Is it? Yes, cheap. Like fresh tilapia. It's like, maybe caviar is a better reference. You know, like tilapia is like's like maybe caviar is a better reference. Tilapia is like a hot dog. Literally.

I didn't know that. Yeah, it's like cheap, shitty fish. Wow. Yeah. Anyways. Mussels, clams, crabs, octopus. Y'all got cars? Yeah.

What do you drive? Damn. I drive like a 2015 Honda Fit. Is that the square one? Octopus Y'all got cars? Yeah What do you drive? I drive like a 2015 Honda Fit Is that the square one? It's a hatchback What does that mean? It means it doesn't have like a regular trunk It like It's kind of boxy

And the back lifts up So you can slide a bunch of stuff from Ikea The back is a hatch Oh okay Yeah not a hatchback The hatchback of no driver Yeah the hatchback I have a 2010 Honda Civic.

Replaced my last one. I crashed on the 101. Oh, my God. Flipped. Flipped! Multiple times. Were you okay? Tokyo Drift.

Somehow, yeah. That's why I only will get a Honda. He died? Yeah, it's true. Ron said he died. This is all sawdust. He died on the table. No, a guy tried to get off and exit early.

And I literally turned and just see a car coming straight towards me on the 101. And I went and turned to get out of the way and just missed it. But I had to turn so hard it flipped my car. And I just was rolling. And I thought I was rolling into the traffic. But I was just rolling on the shoulder. And if I rolled into the traffic, I would have died. But luckily, I didn't. Could have died either way. And it was the thing where I was just rolling on the shoulder and if I rolled into the traffic I would have died but luckily I didn't could have died and I think where I was just upside down yeah and all the glass it shattered and so

then I was just hanging there but I was like oh I'm okay and then I like like upside down like put it in neutral and got my keys out and then I like crawled out and then all these people were like he's alive I'm okay I'm okay and this person's like you have blood pouring down your face Jesus Christ I love you stepping out of that rubble like hey I'm alive no arms

I'm a bad bitch y'all can't kill me but then the uh what about the guy who did he get away scot-free yeah they tried no one got his unbelievable but I was

I was kind of gay bashed by the by the paramedic and the police and the firemen excuse me what now

what were you going to some kind of cock sucking conference yes well kind of because they found in my bag they were just looking

to see if I was on drugs. And they found a flyer for this old gay bar that closed down in Silver Lake called MJ's with like a hot naked guy. And they were all like, oh. Oh, you must be on meth and heroin and crack. This is what you like, huh? Oh, look.

And they were passing it around and laughing at me while I was like in a gurney. Excuse me, what? This is fucking crazy. Isn't that crazy? That is, I mean, you didn't hit the person. If you were like the perpetrator in a vehicular manslaughter or something,

I can see maybe razzing the perp in the ambulance ride. The problem is I would be the perp. If I got in a traffic stop and I wasn't drinking or anything, it was like, oh, you're on a fender bender. Where were you coming from? I was like, oh, I was coming from a hot dog sundaes with Mario Diaz at LC. Night's called Big Fat Dick. If you need proof? I was like, oh, I was coming from a hot dog sundaes with Mario Diaz at LC. Night's called Big Fat Dick.

If you need proof that I was there, I have videos of someone blowing me. But it was, the funny thing is after I went to the hospital and then they're like, oh, you're fine. But they gave me like some pain medication. I was so high taking like the Uber back. And in the Uber, they were like like traffic's a mess from an accident on the 101 and i just went that's me it was me like your fit like it was your song play on the radio like in that thing you do you're like oh my god my big moment i was on the news two days ago yesterday i was in the news yesterday, local Los Angeles news.

For what? Because I went to brunch and they said, the camera person was like, hi, can we, oh they have a microphone. They were like, hi, restaurants are requiring vaccination cards, you wanna talk about it? And I said, no, I can't talk about it, no thank you. And so I gave no comment.

But then they filmed me showing my car So they're like Los Angeles residents showing their Vax cards and it cuts to faggy ass me bald and a button-up floral shirt showing my card like So people were texting me like are you on the news and I'm like, oh no on the late KTLA local news Wow So if you see a white ball faggot showing their Vax card from three days ago, it was me. I was doing a TikTok dance. Yeah. I was doing the say so dance.

What? I don't even know how it goes. Do you think we should just exclusively transition to TikTok informational dancing videos on? Yeah. I'm actually editing one like before I came over here. Yeah. You were doing like five ways to tell if your daughter's on drugs. Yeah.

Yeah. It's so bad. Well, we were obsessed with these people doing TikTok dances who it's like 10 ways to know that your body's decomposing. Yeah. And they're like smiling, dancing, but it's like horrible shit. Yeah. Your dog has worms.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So crazy. Yeah. But I do. I did get a kick out of the nurses who are like doing whatever latest challenge in front of their like dying patients or corpses, you know, in the morgue. Yeah. But I do. I did get a kick out of the nurses who are like doing whatever latest challenge in front of their like dying patients or corpses, you know, in the morgue.

Yeah. The things you need to know about working in the ER. Get used to piss. Blood everywhere. Yeah. Smell the shit. Don't let it get you down. Yeah.

Well. Oh my God. Do you want these whores to follow you guys or not? Yes, please. Be careful what you wish for. You know, the people that watch. You know they're unhinged. I'm used to it. Are you unhinged?

I am. Do you like it? It's fine. I like Bumble. What's up with Bumble? Straights only? I don't know how the gender dynamics work. Because I know that women have to message first. Like you swipe and match and then women message first. That's nice, right?

It's like Sadie Hawkins Yeah, like if no one messaged me, it's not my responsibility It probably doesn't surprise anyone that like I hate messaging first. I like overthink it I get anxious outrageously gregarious now going personality borders on obnoxious every time So it's like it's great that you know Yeah, well, I think it's good to always hit the ground running high is nothing hello

let's just say nothing yeah open with something memorable like that draws you in my grandmother just passed weirdest thing we can't find her body sets you up for like a

or never works do you like airports I like airports no that sounds that sounds like tom hanks tom hanks in that movie i said that you read that comment on for my okay cupid when i let you know my messages right yeah do you like airports well like i weirdly love them she said in her profile

that she liked airports so i was what about how about this one you know i'm getting hate for this twice airplane takeoffs can be really impressive you know what there is magical something magical if you've ever flown with someone who's flown for the first time

watch their face as the plane takes off especially if they get the ears thing it is chilling when you're on the plane and there's suddenly a person who's ever

on a plane is like oh we're dying yeah first time I was in an international flight I got so bad the ear pressure so bad. The ear pressure.

So bad. You started screaming. Scream crying. No, you didn't. I swear to God. 92 in Portugal. And then. You were 92 years old.

Oh, my God. Old. Reverse old. Bring it back. We need to do reverse old. They need to bring Benjamin Button to the beach. At the end, it's fetuses suffocating outside the womb. We need to do reverse old. They need to bring Benjamin Button to the beach. At the end,

it's fetuses suffocating outside the womb. I'm going to tell you this. There's no spoilers. Mary, listen. These two kids, the kids are six and seven, went into a tent, went through puberty in the tent,

fucked in the tent, came back. When they came out, five minutes later, she's five months pregnant. Are they brother and sister? No, no, no, no, no. Oh my God. They came she's five months pregnant. Are they brother and sister? No, no, no, no, no, no. Oh my God.

They came out five months pregnant. So that means, and so they're adults and they still don't know how to read or anything. Well, the kid was annoyingly precocious. So like, but then they had the baby, left it unattended for one minute, dead. And then the baby is wrapped up, like wrapped up, bag of bones, sandy bones. Sickening. one minute, dead. And then the baby is wrapped up, like wrapped up, bag of bones.

Sandy bones. Sickening. Sandy bones, yeah. I'm going to watch this movie. You will love it. I'm going to love it. You will love it. It's fucking rotten.

The script should never have been greenlit. I'm ready. It's so bad. But that's like what makes an M. Night Shyamalan movie now, right? How do you feel when people are constantly tagging you in the billboards of the woman with bone legs? Well, now I don't mind. But like, I mean, it's, you know, having seen it, I'm like, okay, yeah, that's fine. But this woman has a tumor, benign tumor, all of a sudden.

Oh my God, it's a baseball. Oh wait, it's a cantaloupe. You know what? Grab that pocket knife. We got to cut it out of her right now. They cut it out. Oh, the wound closed up. Cut it out again.

Pull the flesh open. Keep it open. They dig this thing out that's the size of a fucking watermelon. And it just goes, oh, I'm awake. It's so bad. It's so, so bad. I love it. I can't wait to watch it.

You're going to love it. Okay. Where can they find you children? I'm at Art of Watt, A-R-T-O-F-W-O-T on Twitter and Instagram. And on TikTok? Sure. I haven't posted anything on TikTok. You have one?

I always think, yeah, but I have nothing on it. Let's get it cracking. I should. You got to talk to this one, the CEO of TikTok over here. Listen, you need any pointers, I'm right in on the ground floor. Okay. I appreciate it. Do you follow her TikTok? Yeah, I do. I love the ground floor. I appreciate

Yeah, I do I love the lake stuff you love all the sex content Yeah, yeah I told you about the dream I had where it was like a video game and Every step you took in the video game you kicked off a leg and then Legs just kept multiplying and filling up the level until it was just full of legs. That's gonna be my movie It's an island with legs shooting off your body going up the level until it was just full of legs. That's going to be my movie, Leg. It's an island where legs keep shooting off your body. And the best part is the publisher was like, oh, the game's broken. And I was like, no, this is hard.

It's working just fine. And you? You can find me at Evil Jeff on Instagram and The Evil Jeff on Twitter. Cool. I love it. No TikTok, huh? I don't post anything. I just skulk.

Yeah, work. Okay. Yeah. Well, thank you for joining us for another episode of The Bald and the Beautiful, and thank you to our special guests for coming here today. Woo! Yay! Thank you. And congratulations on those streamies.

They'll be in the mail. By 27, yeah. I cannot believe that. 2027. Although, but we both moved. Oh, perfect. and congratulations on those streamies they'll be in the mail by 27 I cannot believe that but we both moved none of you can complain about missing awards would you live in a TikTok house with us? a content house? with you two yes

anyone else no content house it's like mansions that people like spray paint the TikTok logo on right yeah it's just like it's just like is the TikTok house the modern version

of like a literary salon a sorority yeah wow we should find a social network that no one uses

and it should be that kind of house or a Facebook house where we just write fake news all day a Facebook house oh we could do the Russian

or the VK house yeah and then it'd just be yeah that's a good propaganda yeah uh stay tuned for another episode of the bald and beautiful coming at you fast and wet and hot soon yeah goodbye yeah yeah Show us your clam.