The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - Heaven is an Orange Julius with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: April 20, 2021

From advice on locating your ferociously fierce inner diva to an erudite debate on the existence of an afterlife to a deep-dive on Michael Shannon's private parts, this episode is without a doubt the best podcast episode in the history of recorded sound. Lastly, if you don't agree with this ridiculously hyperbolic statement, you're likely going to a version of hell where you have to sit in a room and smell a burnt onion recipe for eternity. Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To listen to our podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TBATBYT Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com/ If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be helpful! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Eligibility and member terms apply. Okay, honey. Do you mind if we just have the girls today? Do you mind if we just have the girls? It's ladies night. People do like to comment. I like their guests, but honestly, just being real, I like them alone.

Well, guess what, Miss Diva? Hunty, we are going to work it fiercely for you today. That's right. Yes, God. That's right. You're back on this podcast. 12 steps to being a fucking diva and fierce, honey. How to ditch that doggy door and wiggle your way into something

ferociously fierce. Are you a diva? Do you want to work it? Are you a true diva? Cause she is a true diva. She works it, owns it, rents it, leases it, fucks it, eats it, shits on it. She leases it. She leases it. She leases to

own honey. She's foreclosed on cheese. She's been foreclosed. She's been foreclosed. She's been an escrow sweetheart. She's got to lean on that pussy. The bank is coming for the diva. The bank is foreclosing on the doll, honey. The bank is foreclosing on the doll. She's sashaying in a small claims court and she's gonna lose it.

Screaming, screaming, screaming. My neighbors are like, the poor listeners. They love it. I don't, well, okay, so it occurred to me the other day that I don't think I've, I have not given enough attention in my, in my, you know, to the listener.

Really? Why do you, why? Well, because I don't think i've ever said directly hello you know what that's a really good point we're like we're deceptively deep into this pod we're i think 20 in or something something like that yeah and thank you so much for listening everyone seriously i i yeah a moment of sincerity if you would please afford the diva in the doll i i yeah thank you very much for the diva in the doll i i yeah thank you very much for the diva and the doll on ladies night just on ladies day we want to say thank you does he worship the dolls worship the dolls worship the fucking dolls you fucking rancid shit can pussy

eat motherfucker worship and you know what for me for my fans they don't have any opportunities to see me every week no i don't have a monday upload on my youtube channel we don't have on we don't have queens who like to watch i don't do pit stop no they have no access to me you have no you you deleted your social media what 14 years ago so i mean before instagram was invented yeah i was locked yeah you did you you preemptively deleted it if you get blocked if you stay blocked you ain't gotta get blocked yeah you know what i think of chichi a lot you do i do in a good way okay well thank god like i mean i it's sad that of course we lost her but when i when she pops into my head it's always some enduring memory of her that i always think of yeah i mean in a good way yeah

yeah that's not i mean no i mean like she doesn't come into my minds i'm immediately sad right right i think of good things funny things she said i think of like private moments with her and yeah that a lot of i feel like it's it is like um it's a different mindset in in terms of like uh when people die different cultures have you know it's like for example i i cannot stand the expression she's smiling down on you from heaven it's creepy it's fucking creepy and it's also bizarre it's it's can i see what that looks like yeah or like or this one really fucking i almost i screamed out loud um was like ruth bader ginsburg and john lewis are dancing in heaven right now i was like okay okay okay this was in regard to a particular piece of legislation that passed here on earth

by you know by human you know by living people i was like no no no no no no no she's vibing she did her time. If there is a heaven, she's surrounded by Pomeranians cutting into a loaf of Sarah Lee. She's not worried about that. She's like, I did all that. Like she, like, I feel like Jewish people

kind of get it better. Like, like they don't believe in heaven. You know, like just something about the memory of them. Let, let the lessons and all the stuff that they did here on earth endure do you know what i mean that makes a little bit more sense i think i've got that wrong but do you know what i'm saying that it's not that like oh they're um they're you know playing uh uh the macarena up in heaven with you know with that that it's like i'm doing the macarena in heaven with gina gershon yeah yeah it's not that it's just like

uh it's like think fondly of them. Think fondly of their memory or their legacy or whatever. Does that make more sense? Yeah. Yeah. Also like, I don't know. I don't really believe in heaven.

You don't? But you know what I think of? You don't believe in heaven? What are you crazy? I feel that the idea that we're waiting because something better is coming is an unhealthy way to waste your life. I think that's insane. And I feel like the implication that that line of manipulative thinking might be used by people in power in order to subjugate poorer people is off base.

Yeah, I need to open up the notes app and compose an apology, sis. How dare you? Well, yeah, I always just think like this is kind of lame, but if you believe in a heaven, why is it impossible that this is it? Why is it impossible that this is the best part of your existence being alive right now? And that when you die, we don't really know what happens, but you know that right now you could just be in a good mood and try to be happy and make the most of it. Also though, I'm curious why the discussion

never really, the imagery never really, it hits a wall very quickly. Like, okay, everything's white and cloudy, like sort of metaphysically serene and people are wearing white robes, maybe they got wings. What else? What else?

Is there a harp? Yeah, sometimes it's a harp um there's there's there's for sure like there's maybe any ish music is playing somewhere on the background at a pink berry at a pink no no it's a pink berry with anya is there an orange julius there is there it's a christopher banks i mean there's been so much has been written movies made about having hell but i think like hell gets the more thorough treatment. You know what I mean? With all the circles and the layers and the this and the that.

It's more universal. Everybody finds being burned alive unpleasant. Yeah. But not everybody's. My version of heaven probably doesn't even have a TV. Right. Yeah. Well, what's your idea?

Well, here's the other thing. I find the concept of eternal pleasure to be a little bit, those concepts are at odds with each other. Because pleasure, happiness is kind of conditional and it has to relate to some kind of pain, right? Yes, of course. So why do people believe in heaven? What the fuck? Well, I can't really speak to that, but-

I want you to. Thinking about like drag queens, especially, like it's always very, it's horrible when people die. But when drag queens die, which all drag queens have an expiration date, right? It always is extra weird because drag queens seem like it's impossible that they don't, they aren't always there. Yeah. Because also, and also there's kind of, there is like a superhero element to drag queens. Yes. Yeah, because, and also there's kind of, there is like a superhero element to drag queens, I think. And like, and because a lot of us kind of come from,

what shall we say, hard life or hard circumstances. Yeah. And persevere. And also project an illusion of invincibility. Yeah, and agelessness. We all look a lot younger and we dress as vibrant life of the party looking people. Yeah.

Superhuman. Sometimes dehumanized. But yeah, absolutely. It's sad. It is. And she's also fucking so young. Chi Chi in particular. Yeah. I've been thinking about death a lot. Oh, good. I love death. Because I'm reading Pet Sematary. Sometimes dead is better. Yeah. And there's a lot about death

and part of what makes that book so horrifying is that it's really just um people being confronted with the reality of like the the not guaranteedness of life yeah the son dies in that book yeah somebody the neighbor's wife dies the cat dies yeah and i don't know i just been thinking a lot about it the other day i turned my boyfriend we're watching movie and i go which one of us you think is gonna die first and he was like um i haven't thought about it you pull out a knife yeah but i guess i purposely don't think about death that much and then i was like wow i guess anybody in your life that you love one of you is gonna go first yeah yeah probably. Probably you. You hope to be the first one, obviously soon have to deal with the grief.

It's funny you mentioned this because I have recently in the past couple of weeks, I've watched a few really incredible movies and television shows that deal directly with this grief, with the concept of grief and like in a pet cemetery kind of way, they involve the Connors. Are you watching the Connors? Is that what it is?

Rosie. Yeah. I fucking want, I bitch, I watched Wanda vision and I'm not, I don't, if you haven't, you haven't watched it,

right? And I'm not going to go into it. I'm not going to do that thing where I'm passionate about something that somebody else has to watch them and subject you to it. No, it's fine. People love it. It's, but the gist of it is, well, I'm not going to say it. I't watched and subject you to it. No, it's fine. People love it.

But the gist of it is, well, I'm not going to say it. I asked my boyfriend, what is WandaVision about? What did he say? I said like five words or less. And he was like, well, you haven't seen any of those movies. So you're not going to know who any of these people are. I started to watch it with no prior knowledge of the Marvel whatever, whatever. I'm a very extremely casual enjoyer of anything superhero related. I have not read any comic book besides Watchmen.

That's it. I don't get, I'm not like a, I don't jizz my nut over like, you know, the Silver Surfer or whatever. But it is so fucking well done. And it just deals, it's a very interesting, there's a human layer to it that is like very deep and interesting

and provides like an emotional, like through line that's gripping for anybody regardless of superhero interest or not however ricky gervais did a series called afterlife and let me tell you also wait going back to marvel movies i did watch them all i cry every time um superheroes make me i would like you watch terms of endearment dry as a bone and then I watch Put on fucking Captain America I'm on the floor Like needing to be resuscitated Because I've like

Vomited so much from crying I I cry more from movies Than I do from real life I'm more likely to cry To cry to a movie Than a funeral for a loved one Absolutely

I don't know what's with that Absolutely Well because they're They're engineered They're engineered to Short Like they're They're engineered to do that. Think about the complexity of a funeral. You could be tired.

You could have known that they died. I mean, it's not at the moment. You know what I mean? There's so many different factors. There's a history there. In Pet Sematary, which I'm not done with it, but there's so many sections about how horrible certain things are, like people bringing food

to your house when someone dies or it's a logistical nightmare it's a kid's funeral in the book and everyone at the funeral is saying

at least he didn't suffer because he was hit by a truck like as if that helps poor Gage at least she went quick and he was flattened into the pavement by a semi

right all of that like it's I don't know there's so many and I also think you can't waste your life thinking about dying that's my mom always told me because i was a kid who was very fixated on death

i was a kid who was constantly like i would remember that my grandma was gonna die someday and it would ruin my ruin me for a week yeah all i could think about was my grandma's gonna die in my lifetime wow my mom thinking about my mom dying and then once people did start to die and my, like my grandparents or whatever, my child brain imagined it to be like, it would derail me forever. I could never recover. And then of course, when it happens,

especially a grandparent, you always know grandparents are much older than you. You're going to see your grandparents die. I did. Yeah. I saw him die. Yeah. Cause you killed him.

Yeah. And then you're probably going to see your parent die. I mean, you're, I'm going to clarify. You're going to live, unless you die first, live to see,

live to experience the death of a parent. You're not going to see them with your eyeballs. Right. And then, but like, obviously in the book, a child dying, watching someone young die is obviously exponentially more tragic.

And also they watched. They ran after the child. Yeah. And obviously this is a book. It's not in a real book. No, but it's a scenario that could play out. Children getting killed on the road is not impossible. And also children dying before your eyes as you try to prevent that from happening offers another level of guilt to the grief.

Yeah. Which is pretty wild in the book obviously it's about the question of well we know that if we bury someone in this they will come back of course they'll come back wrong right but how bad do i miss this person even if they come back wrong how much would just having them in my life be better than having them not at all yeah horrible yeah also pet wandavision is i WandaVision is, I mean. WandaVision is. Pet Sematary.

Pet Sematary. No. It's a remake. It's a shot for shot remake. And nobody's mentioning it. No, and it's fine. I mean, you know, Stephen King is used to that kind of thing. They did it with Showgirls.

They did it with Both Finger. But the afterlife, you should watch that because. Do you like Ricky Gervais at all? Yeah, I've watched The UK office Fantastic What's it The name's Don Don and Pam

Don and Tim The UK America Lesbian office romance We need Don and Pam Wait it's Pam and Jim And then Don and Tim Don and Tim

Martin Freeman I cried from that I The office The ending The special The juicy It was the last episode

Or the special Yeah where it's like A year or two later I And she comes And she stays Lost it I cried from that. I. The office. The ending. The special. The juicy. It was the last episode or the special. Where it's like a year or two later. I. And she comes and she stays. Lost it. I cried. Lost it. Lost it.

Yeah. He is so good. I mean, Ricky Gervais, when he's writing for shows, the things he does that I love is the economy of it. He doesn't go on for 15 seasons. He does two seasons in a special and that's it. Or one season and that's it um he the afterlife when he did it's about a guy who um who's his wife dies of cancer and he is like he's like suicidal through this grief and kind of goes through this

journey of like um i should just kill myself blah blah blah blah, blah. And it's very, very sad. It's also very funny. And he strikes this really great balance of that. But it's like, I fucking heaved. From Afterlife? Alone in your house? Alone in my hotel room. I was on tour. Almost broke blood vessels in my eyes

because I was just, it just fucking put me through it. It's great. There's a few things that make me cry every time that that one is one of them. Muppets take Manhattan. Shut the fuck up. You fucking great. You fucking dick bitch. I hate you. You dick bitch. You poop. you fucking the great you fucking dick bitch

I hate you you dick bitch you poop sucking dick and cock sucking dick and cock there's a few

that just like well do you ever see the movie the final girl final girls no no

that one makes you cry for sure what is it it's a horror movie and it's about um a girl her mom's an actor the mom gets killed right a few years later she's a teenager and she her friends are like hey we're going to um see this midnight showing of it's called like camp blood or something and her mom was in it and at first she's like i don't know my mom's in the movie and they're like come on your mom's a huge icon let's just go see your mom in this movie the movie starts she loves

it and then through the magic of cinema they get sucked into the movie oh wow but in the movie her mom is in the movie but her mom is the character oh and so they're trying to escape the horror movie by you know recognizing certain horror tropes like oh if you do a strip tease you get killed if you have sex you die and then at the end it's the killer stalking the daughter and the mom and the mom's like well I have to die so you can be the final girl

and so then the girl has to watch her mom get killed again in the movie oh so re-traumatizing lezzing out stuff like that that was shocking they're mom and daughter they don't lezz out don't lezz out and they don't les out. Incest. Don't les out.

And they don't incest out. I didn't mean to push that one. I was just trying to understand where the crying came in. Well, it's sad because the mom's like, okay, I guess I'm going to save you if you're my real daughter or whatever. And then she does a strip tease and the killer comes and kills her. I cry from it. I don't know why. Because you're a real daughter or whatever and then she does a strip tease and the killer comes and kills her i cry from it i don't know why because you're a sociopath okay comment below if that movie made you cry it was good i'll take your word for it i'll take your word he's giving

me this look i won't be made a fool in my own living room i have no intention of coming here on the pod and sucking dick and cock sucking dick and dick and cock. There's a few. I mean, when it comes to death and movies, if it is too sad, I'm not fucking watching The Notebook again. I'm not fucking watching Brokeback Mountain again. Or when, how about this though, when it's when it's, there's something about it that

you know, the intentional tear jerking, like over the topness of like, say, what dreams may come, which obviously sounds like what dreams may come. Have you seen that movie? Of course I have. Yeah. So sad.

So sad. But they also, I believe at the time it was in theaters, they had like, they had tissues like available. Oh, give me a break. Yeah.

That's when I'm like, Oh, you know what then? Fuck you. I'm not going to cry. You know, I'm going to stick this out. I'm going to use it for my wet dreams.

Wet dreams may come. Yeah. I'm going to stuff it in my diaper'm going to use it for my wet dreams. Wet dreams. I'm going to stuff you wet there for a totally different stuff in my diaper. Go to bed and hope for the best. Yeah. Have you had a wet dream lately? I've never had one. You had sex.

You have sex with people. Yeah. Yeah. I was, I was, I was, I was pulling the patch so early. Three,

four, five. Honestly, probably first grade. Yeah. So like I didn't ever have like a surprise yeah but who's doing that who's having wet dreams well um buddhist monks oh because they can't so do they look forward to it that's a great question great question i just think it's funny that if you can't

masturbate your body's gonna do it for you well yeah i mean like right right this yeah yeah i mean you're gonna kind of just that's a pretty heavy biological imperative. I feel like your body's going to, life finds a way in Jurassic Park style in that regard. Clever girl. We're going to take a break. This episode is brought to you by CIBC. From closing that first sale to opening a second store,

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for a loss while they're experiencing one. Paying in advance protects your loved ones and gives you the peace of mind you deserve. Let us help you plan every detail with professionalism and compassion. We are your local Dignity Memorial provider. Find us at DignityMemorial.ca. And we're back. Oh, I forgot to record you the whole time. I wish. Do you listen to us no um and i sometimes i'll turn it on just to hear the first like five minutes and then i'll go oh

it's that episode like i just need to remember what it was yeah yeah yeah yeah um i listened to actually no i'm blind i mean i i don't listen to it regularly like i'm not a big podcast listener but um really no because i like lately i've just been into music although i found a i found a Actually, no, I'm lying. I mean, I don't listen to it regularly. Like, I'm not a big podcast listener, but. Really? No, because I like, lately I've just been into music. Although I found a podcast yesterday that I don't. Shout them out. It's A Woman's Smile by Patty Harrison and Laura Lee something or other. It's the funniest thing I've ever heard in my fucking life. And, you know, I love comedy.

Actually, I don't love comedy, but I like, I love to laugh. I love to laugh. And I'm telling you, motherfuckers. A woman's smile? A woman's smile. And I don't believe they do anymore. But I'm about, I think we gobbled up, we listened to it all day in the studio. I spent half, most of the time not sewing.

And it was just like convulsing. Like hurt. Doing so fucking funny laughing is so fucking funny. It was thank God for Patty Harrison. She isn't. I used to listen to ruin Michelle once in a while depending on the guest. I listened to that. I listened to that podcast religiously for a while. I liked the B-52s when they had them obviously or like Gaga like people.

I really wanted to hear. Yeah, it's tough with podcasting guests because like Gaga. Like people I really wanted to hear talk. It's tough with podcasts and guests because like, you know, some people go to a podcast for the guest only, right? You know, if you're a fan of... I don't think that happens to us. Probably not because people, because we have so many... We are the guests. We're our own guests.

We are, yes. Be the guest you wish to see in the world be the guest you clean your house for be the Christopher guest you wish to see in the world do you like podcasting so far I do I don't like me

I can see it coming okay thank you for saying it thank you for saying it I just had a hard time I had a hard time and I'm glad we're sitting we have a good distance Thank you for saying it. Thank you for saying it. I just had a hard time. I had a hard time. And I'm glad we're sitting only, you know, we have a good distance. I feel like we can, you know, tackle some emotional. Yeah.

You know what I think we could tell people about? What? You and I work on like five projects together. And we are at a point where we strategically place them so that we're not seeing each other too many days in a row. Yeah. Because we fucking hate each other. And again, like in the same way that people sort of like idolize our friendship,

the reality is there is the kind of like a bizarre mirror for the actual palpable hatred that we feel for each other. Yeah. It's kind of indescribable, not something a lot of people experience because you have to really kind of be there to know that the seething um like wordless animosity is almost like when you turn up the thermostat like to the highest thing and then you um you like cook an onion dish in the kitchen and it burns it is just this sweltering rotten kind of like it lingers yes in three four days afterwards you still smell it on

your blouse and you're like god that fucking pig that fucking pig. You're sat in chemise. That dick bitch. That dick pig bitch. No. That dick pig bitch. Sucking dick and cock. Sucking dick and cock. Do you know that?

Oh, wait. Another great podcast, Nympho Wars, where they do a whole dateline treatment of sucking dick and cock. Of the Tati James which is renewed in my consciousness has now been reinvigorated at full force. I like to listen to Scam Goddess

sometimes. What's that about? It's this woman named Lacey and she takes scams from the headlines. Airbnb scams and she dissects it and lets people and talks about how people did scams. It's pretty interesting.

Scamming is fucking fascinating. And I've been listening to Ebony and Irony, the new Monet X Change Bunny podcast. You have got to be kidding me. Monet X Change and Bunny. You have got to be kidding me. Yeah, it's everything you think it is. You have got to be kidding me. First of all, Ebony and Irony is hysterical to me. That is, you've got to be yeah it's everything you think it is you have got to be kidding first of all ebony and irony is hysterical yeah that is you gotta be kidding me no it's fierce and then i love the sarah silverman pod yep i listen i've listened to that one a few times

she does it herself yep i couldn't do that well yeah she does it on and she videotapes it right like it's she just taught and i'm not to be like so cliched but i mean god damn it that woman does an agent she's so pretty I know and I know that everybody says that about her she's like whatever whatever but

well it's how I feel about I listen to her and I listen to Whitney too and you can see videos of their pods and I'm just like oh my god and then Courtney

how do they do it Courtney and Vanity have a pod now oh that's right and I'm going on it oh you are yeah I listen to the I've been asked

yeah you've been asked they just had pride there in Australia just vibing Mardi Gras nope I'm going on it. Oh, you are? Yeah, I listened to the Rutan Wig episode. Yeah, you've been aced. They just had pride there. In Australia, just vibing. Mardi Gras. No pride, no COVID, vibing. Did you get a... A pregnancy test? A dick swap?

Did you get a vaccine? I don't think I'm allowed to. I'm too young. I'm too young and fit, hoping things change. There's no risk of me passing that on. No, especially since nobody's around you. Are you eligible yet? No. I'm younger than you.

How would I have it? Well, here we are. Here we are, folks. For the listeners at home, listen, I just want to clarify. I don't get sick of Trixie because we work so much together. I just hate her because she's fucking huge.

I was just talking to Ben LeCron about this because I'm having her on the pit stop and she was like we always are supposed to hang out. We never do. I said Bob's one of my closest friends. We never hang out. I said Katya's not my best friend. She's just there. You're my best friend because we work so much.

If I get, if we didn't have to work together, do you think we would see each other in a month once? Maybe COVID? No. Sometimes I jog by your studio and stop by. Yeah. And that's about it.

That's about it. Yeah. I mean, I'm trying to think about like what I call, you know, I called you back the other night and you had gone out and I made a joke about you not inviting me. And I was totally joking, obviously.

And now she's yawning. And so. But you know what? I don't feel left out, though. I also don't think these are things you would like to go to. Oh, no. Yeah. I went to Hollywood for pizza and I was like, she's not going to fucking.

But you know the type of person that there is a very I know very many people like this. In fact, I would say most people probably could relate to this is that the sentiment of i can't believe you didn't i can't believe you didn't invite me but i would have declined it you know what i mean that's that thing and it's fucking psycho psycho it's psychotic but do you get fomo uh a lot of the time no i have the, which is I'll make plans for myself. It's Jomo. What is that? Joy of missing out.

No. Yes, exactly. Yeah. Joba? Joba? Joy of being alone? Joy of being. Oh, joy of being alone.

Joba. Joba. FOMO and Joba. FOMO and Joba. No, I get this thing where I'm like, we have to hang out. And then we'll make a plan and the day comes and I'm like, I just, the thought of going is too much. Yeah. Yeah.

Or like an, I, if I'm feeling social, it's on a whim. Yeah. So people like, I agree. You always ask me like, you never make plans with me. I'm like, I can't make a plan. Yeah. I'm not, I can't guarantee I'm going to feel like seeing you on Thursday, Brooklyn Heights. I've been trying to have a wine date with Brooklyn and I'll be like, what are you doing now? And she's like, how about Sunday? I'm like, I could be dead then Brooklyn.

Yeah. I could have completely forgotten you existing on purpose. My phone could be turned off. I could be in Coronabaca. And sometimes people get like, sometimes our people who are not in our industry or directly our peers or colleagues get this impression of us being super busy. I mean, I know you're extremely busy. I project the air of busyness in order to protect myself socially. But like people, someone just said,

are you available for a call this week? And it was not professional. And I was like, what the fuck is this? Is this a joke? Are you trying to fuck with me? I was like, what do you want? Like, why don't you just tell me what you want now? But it was literally just, hey, can we chat later this week at a particular.

What is that? Scheduling a schedule? Sucking dick and cock. Sucking dick and cock. Scheduling a phone call. It was bizarre. Mary, just call me. Call me.

Now, in that person's defense, I am extremely unreliable and very flaky when it comes to telephono graphic communication. When it comes to telephono graphic communication. When it comes to telephono. Yeah. I love that meme of Celine Dion. Je téléphone la police. And it's her on a phone. It's Celine Dion on a phone and it says, je téléphone la police.

So stupid. Sucking dick in cock. Sucking dick in cock. You know what, though? Part of why our friendship works. She's convulsing Part of why our friendship works Is because we are both so In touch with how much time

We need together and it's so little Yeah it is little and also like From a logistical point of view And entertainment value point of view We've both determined that listen At a certain point Mary we're improv-ing There's no script to fall back on and when i have to learn a script do you know when i have to learn sides for an audition because i think you and i get a lot of same auditions i think i audition i think you don't yes okay i audition for everything yeah

and when i have to learn lines for sides, you would think that I am Jeff Bezos. Yeah. Having, I don't know what, like it's a big job, a big job. It's like two pages of dialogue. And I'm like, oh my God, Jesus. The other day I read for a sitcom and they were like, this is a female role, but you're the only drag queen they're considering. Okay.

But it's all females who are reading for it, but they really want to see you. I'm thinking to myself, they want something to talk about. I'm not going to get this, but I'm just going to do it. Okay. How many lines?

Like three pages, three, not like you were on three pages. Yeah. And then I also do my own like reading to myself. So I go in and read the other parts and voices on a phone app And then I play it back and I do this thing with my smart because I don't have a roommate or anything Right and my assist I know that there's companies here who will like read the lines for you and tape you

There's also apps to do that apps and stuff. There is Everything Nicole Kidman does on her iPad when she's in her trailer Look at Pornhub Look at Pornhub No, but I I I am so bad. I mean. I have auditioned for probably, especially if it's cartoons, I always do voice acting. Okay.

Because I never get it, but you don't have to get in drag. You don't have to get in drag. Yeah. Have you done physical auditions in person where they mic you and put you in front of a tape and all that? One maybe. Oh, one. And it was for iZombie. Whoa, really?

Yeah, and then they went with a local hire. Okay. Because, you know, war wasn't good. Who knows? Was it Romania? In Romania or something? No, they filmed it in Vancouver, and it was like a drag. Oh, I know what it was.

Never mind. The episode had like a 40-year-old, a 45-year-old drag queen and a 21-year-old drag queen. Okay. And I read for, first I read for the old one. They were like, you're too young. Yeah.

So read for the young. And then like, you're too old for the young one. But I read for both. But I'm not that good of an actor. I also was reading it going like, there's a whole monologue of me breaking down saying why I killed someone. I'm like,

I really don't think I could do that. Jesus Christ. I need more physical comedy. Yeah. Yeah. Where's the banana peel? Yeah. Can I get a stack of papers that i can like trip and fall i i mean i've done a few and um one i the only one i got was i didn't know was an audition what was it it was for did you think it was a date that's for room 104 oh if you haven't seen

cod i'm gonna plug you here only thing I'm proud of Acting wise Go on HBO Michael fucking Shannon Judy Greer And this piece of shit Piece of shit Are in a very compelling 44 minute Hour

A half I think it's half hour Oh it's so good Yeah it's a little It's an anthology series By the Duplass brothers And it's Were you like

This is Michael fucking Shannon I didn't know who he was Girl You were face to face in scenes with him. In a room, a tiny hotel room. All my scenes were, most of my scenes were with him. Like, I had two scenes, and they were, one was with him. I was touching his body, fixing his tie,

and then I was with Judy Greer for a little bit. And I mean, it was there, it was a three-day shoot, I think. And then it was, I didn't know when I went in there and was talking to the director the director was so amazing this woman named Liza Minnelli she's a casting director now Katya I'm gonna need you to come in

Hi Drew Hi Katya That is such a bad Liza Minnelli Oh terrible both of ours were rotten Terrible She just pushed pause. Sorry. Unsubscribe.

But I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't also, um, I didn't know who, um, Michael Shannon was. And then he was there,

uh, while I was like, did the reading. And then he was there and he was behind a desk. Like he was the boss, but he was just, but you hadn't seen his films. I know. I, I, I had, I, it was just but you hadn't seen his films i know i i had

i it was just it wasn't clicking like and then i was like oh my god that was the guy in nocturnal animals that was the guy in um uh where he's been in he is probably one of the most respected like oscar-nominated actor yeah so the best fucking villain. I mean, he is so good. Was he hot in real life? He's so hot. He seems like he'd be hot in real life. He smokes and he's hot. A perfect match.

I gave him, I think the third day I brought skulls. Well, okay. Editors, just keep your finger on the delete button while we go into whatever this is go ahead you brought skulls to set right skull candles for judy for uh for liza and i've been for um for michael and i when i tell you i would suck the dick and cock of that mr shannon so much that it would take out his urinary tract, inner gonads, and probably a lot of the viscera in and around his pelvic area. You're looking to gut him through his urethra.

Yeah. I'm looking to destroy his reproductive system with my mouth. Wow. And he was, so he has this, like the funny thing was that like I've done a goofy Russian accent for like 15 years

and I know enough Russian to like fake it, but there were actual Russian dancers on the set. He does not do a Russian. I think yours is Russian. People even think yours is good, right? I can speak Russian some certain, like there's a lot of words I can't say.

I could, the accent very compelling though. I mean, there's so many different types of Russian accents. Like there's so many degrees of it. It's like, like borders on the touch, you know,

like, you know, but yeah, I was like good enough and I can speak Russian. accents like there's so many degrees of it it's like like you know like you know but um yeah it was like good enough and i can speak russian i can understand russian language good enough to know how it would translate to english words you know what i mean yes so he had a rap he had to do a performance of a rap a dance rap in russian and with a russian accent naming like tons of russian cities and stuff it was so difficult it was goofy. He's not a comedic actor. And it was just so impressive to see him do that because it was silly.

And he is one of the darkest, most brooding fucking intense dramatic actors ever. And he recently did like incredible comedy on Amy Sedaris's show at home with Amy Sedaris. I was going to say, I think he would be really funny. He probably just, he probably just gets these like heavyweight drama roles, I think he would be really funny. He probably just gets these

heavyweight drama roles. But I bet he's so funny. That's what he played on the show. He's a menacing villain in a comedy in Amy Sedaris' show. Oh, right. He's like the murderer. That is so funny. I remember that. I would suck that motherfucker's

ass. I'd suck his dick through his asshole. And then Judy Greer. I mean, fucking icon dude. The most wonderful person in the world too. The most wonderful person in the world. She's been in, she's one of those actresses that has been in everything. And she turns it in everything. And she's so pretty in real life. And I hope this isn't a read.

She has in real life almost like an insect beauty. She has very angular features and very big eyes and she's very in shape and she's so soft when she speaks to you yeah she's just she came to see moving parts did you really she came to a movie theater yeah she was at tribeca showing a movie and we were there she came to the theater and saw it it was so nice and she knows i like die for jawbreaker yeah and she doesn't embarrass me about it thank god because you know she's violet and jawbreaker you've never seen jawbreaker i'm about to okay this is a whole nother podcast you know what can we make a commitment yeah what maybe we should do like a movie night where i'll watch something you want me to watch and you watch

jawbreaker and we can come back and we'll talk about it. Perfect. On the pod. Yeah. She's so good in that. And she's in Halloween. Yes. She was. Yeah. Fantastic. So fucking good. Yeah.

It was like, I was so frustrated with her character in Halloween though. It's like the, the, the, the new, the new, right.

Yeah. The new, new. Yeah. I have so many questions about that movie. Actually. I've seen it probably five times. Loved it.

I love Judy's character. Like if your mom was Laurie Strode, who has all this trauma and like alcoholism, how much would you hate Halloween? Like, I love that when they showed Judy in one scene, it's Halloween and she's in a Christmas sweater with a Christmas mug, like just trying to glaze over it.

So funny. And I thought they played it so sensitively. I mean, Jamie Lee Curtis in that fucking movie is so goddamn good yeah she's great i love the imagination of like okay it's a horror movie but like what if decades go by and this person got no like mental health treatment yeah and has like hard hard trauma lady of the woods. Yeah. Yeah. Well, how would that affect your family? Yeah. Your substance abuse? Yeah.

You know, it's funny. I like, in terms of like the, for me, the windows, that many windows. In her house? Yeah. And also the remoteness of it. I understand like the- If I was in danger of being stalked. I'd live in the middle of town, Mary.

I'd have a roommate. I rise. Do you know what I mean? I live in Tokyo and a high rise, like people everywhere in, in a cement of high rise with no windows and only one access point. Do you know what I mean? And then I'd have the arsenal.

I'd have a knives in every room, guns, like, you know, trip wire and all that shit. But that, it was like a lot of those things that were crazy. Also, the dad did not, he deserved a better death than that. Remember?

So towards the end with the dad, so Michael does the fake out with the cop car. Oh, yeah. He just gets like thrown to the side. Doesn't he get like shot in the head or something? No, I don't even think, I think he just gets his neck snapped or something. And like,

Oh, that's right. Like the, Oh yeah. Isn't it her husband? Her husband. Yeah. Jager's husband.

He does get sort of expended. And there's no, and they're like, there's no reaction at all to that. I was like, Oh, that's kind of, that's kind of shitty.

Maybe they're trying to, as a viewer, show you how casually they're about to kill main characters. Perhaps. Maybe it's supposed to spook you a little bit. Yeah. And also it's just focused on the women, really. He was kind of like a whatever.

But yeah. Crushes that fucking police dude's head. Yeah. Or the doctor. It was good, though. Generations of women inheriting trauma, helping each other. I mean, it was a really good movie. I can't wait for the second one.

Yeah. You know Kyle Richards is supposed to be in it. Who's Kyle Richards? From The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Because she's in the original. Oh, that's right. Soards is supposed to be in it who's kyle rich from the real housewives beverly hills because she's in the original oh that's so she's supposed to be in it i wouldn't i wouldn't be surprised if we never saw kyle richards again wouldn't be and you know heather maserato is supposed to be in scream five she plays randy's sister in scream three she got slashed open in hostile too didn't she uh yeah bitch by that rich lady bleeding blood what rich hostile is crazy but you know what rich people are crazy rich people Yeah, bitch, by that rich lady. Bathing in his blood. Bathing in his blood. Bathing in her blood.

What? Hostel is crazy. But you know what? Rich people are crazy. Rich people are crazy. They will wild out. Yeah. I think they're.

I mean, it's like. Do you think Hostel's real? I think that. I think that it's. I think that the concept is not too far off that people. No, no. I'm asking if you think that was a documentary film. Oh, yeah. That's a doc film, right? That's I'm asking if you think that was a documentary film. Oh yeah. That's a doc film, right?

That's a travel channel? Yeah, it's an HBO documentary. Travel channel. HBO documentary. This episode is brought to you by Nespresso. Elevate your morning coffee ritual from the first sip of coffee in the morning to the on-the-go cup. Make every morning unforgettable with Nespresso. Elevate your morning coffee ritual from the first sip of coffee in the morning to the on-the-go cup.

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So wait, wait, wait. One thing I wanted to say about beautiful, being beautiful. I watched a scammer. Oh, that's what I remember. So scammers and I wanted to bring it back to beauty. I watched this Netflix thing about fake art, art forgeries. And Mary, this fucking dealer in New York, this Ann something or other, she got- Ann Miller. Ann Miller.

She got, she was, this woman like waddled in one day, had a Rothko, Mark Rothko in the trunk of her car and then started this huge grift where people, collectors bought these paintings for $5 million, $10 million, all fakes, forgeries. Yeah, by this guy in China. But she had, she said, she's like, she looked at the fake

and she said the first like oh it's beautiful and if that sent then i was like i was like whoa and this whole thing about authenticity and like um and what about a rothko which is abstract expressionism for the for the i don't know what that is to the layman it looks like okay a green shape um so some red a red square a yellow square and a green square all sort of diffused on a canvas okay right doesn't it and it was just like why did that disturb you so much that she called the fake beautiful because i was like what about it is beautiful also it was a very good reproduction of that style and then maybe if if the original is beautiful to her wouldn't it serve that a reproduction is

still beautiful to look at whether or not it's real well that's that was the that's the mindset of a lot of the chinese counterfeiters they were like there's no virtue in originality in the development of skill if you can accurately accurately, I mean, precisely recreate a painting, the value is just as good. It's like the, like, I mean, the straight people love Banksy.

Everything looks like a fake Banksy now. Right. Everybody's just spray painting shit. The condo I bought in Milwaukee had a huge fake Banksy on the wall and I'm just like, give me a break. It's great.

Yeah. Cause that's when the beauty of it is, is like sort of erased because it's transferred from it's the statement that's more beautiful rather than the actual yeah what you see and now you're just trying to seem like someone who you're trying to tell people they walk into your house i believe in the statement that this type of artist is making yeah it's it's and then i'm

also not supporting the real artist sure and also like do you remember that did you see the the the banksy that was sold at auction as soon as it's sold it's self-destructed it's that's better to me which banksy do you have the one that shredded in front of a bunch of people that is cooler i know in a way it could be like the fact that you purchased that could could just accomplish the the the sort of social cred that is sought at from just buying one of these. You know what I mean? We should do a collection of Ann Gettys that shred. You and I as like caterpillars in a pot.

And then when someone at DragCon buys it, it's like. Or even better, we will do a line of Ann Gettys that turn into babies that you have to care for. Or they're Ann Gettys that when they get purchased, age. Our faces get old. What do you think about people getting trapped in paintings and then aging in the painting? Mom, that's the revolutionary.

Bring it back. I love the idea of like a little girl in a painting and then she gets older. And then one day she's an old woman. Then she's just gone. Absolutely. Well, where's that? That's,

um, that, um, the witches bitch or no, the, uh, what's the Oscar wild thing? Uh, Jiminy cricket, not Jiminy cricket. Um, that? That's, um, that, um, the witch's bitch or no, the, uh, what's the Oscar Wilde thing? Uh,

Jiminy Cricket, not Jiminy Cricket. Um, you know, uh, the, the, uh,

Oliver Twist, uh, the, the Oscar Wilde thing that he, his, the, he ages in the painting as he, Oh,

Dorian Gray. Dorian Gray. Dorian Corey. You're thinking of Dorian Corey. As the body decomposes in the trunk, I retain my youth. Dorian Gray. Wasn't he in Sabrina? Yeah.

Which is over. You want to talk about anticlimax? That fucking fourth season jumped out the window. She really jumped out the window. Horrible and ends nowhere. It ends nowhere. Mary, I turned it off. Once that Blackwell or professor, once he became

the emperor. Give me a break. I turned that shit off. I said, not on my watch. No, it was disappointing because it was horrible. But you know, you and I talked about how in season three, it became uncomfortably aware that we were watching a teen show and it became like, oh! The singing? Like the Hey Mickey?

No, no, no. Oh God. Because I mean I don't, if I like something, I like something. I don't believe in guilty pleasures. Not in 2021. Cause I, I mean, I don't, if I like something, I like something. I don't believe in guilty pleasures, not in 2021. So like, I won't feel bad about something, you know? And then,

but you're exactly right. I, the, I loved it. And then I, and then I liked it. And then I was like, Oh,

this is, this really is showing it's why a colors. And then it was just like, Oh, this is a bad way. Series. Yeah. I mean,

um, it just, it went a different direction. Remember how dark and sexy it started out. It was fantastic. Super gory, super gory, magical,

fun. Like it was just cool. I liked it. Yeah. I would say I still liked the series as a whole, but towards the end it was like, Oh shit. Like I like the band playing teenage dirt bag or like,

don't they play ballroom blitz and hell at that battle of bands? I'm not sure. I like some of the rock moments, but like the, Hey Mickey, the Tony,. Or like, don't they play Ballroom Blitz and hell at that Battle of the Bands? I'm not sure. I like some of the rock moments, but like the Hey Mickey, the Tony, I was like, oh no, this is,

oh no, cheerleaders, why is she a cheerleader? Yeah, this is horrible. And also, it's one of those, somebody on Twitter

pointed out the other day that it is one of those, and no shade to, I don't think any of the cast listens, but we do love all of you. Yeah, absolutely. The cast,

the acting in that show, it's great. They're all fantastic actors, but we do love all of you. Yeah, absolutely. The cast, the acting in that show is great. They're all fantastic actors, but it's funny, character-wise, it is one of those shows where the main character is not the one you like. Especially since she's Flip-Flop McGee. And at a certain point, we have two Sabrinas permanently,

which was like... I know, it's like, yeah, it's ridiculous. The other, there's another show, what other fucking show is it? The Conners? Was it The Conners? Listen, I love The Conners. It's probably one of the only current TV shows I keep up with.

It's probably the only thing. What? It's good. Sarah Gilbert owns my whole ass. Oh, Sarah. Yeah, I love Sarah Gilbert. And John Goodman owns my whole ass Yeah he does own a lot of ass

You know who else is in it The woman who is Peg Bundy Katie Segal She's in it She's wonderful She's fantastic She's looking hot

She's always looked hot Always looked hot Sucking dick and cock Sucking dick and cock Well I think I gotta go to I have to go to a birthday party now And I gotta suck some dick and cock. Well, we have another guest.

We do. 4.30. Oh, we have another. What time is it? I lost my watch. I feel completely disoriented. You wearing a watch right now? Always.

Until what time? For health. I completely. And I'm telling you, I always wear a watch on my left wrist. Always. To bed, I even wear it. You really do, don't you? Always.

I only take it off when I go in the shower. What happened to your watch? I don't know. Was it do, don't you? Always. I only take it off when I go in the shower. What happened to your watch? I don't know. Was it nice? Isn't this fascinating? This is a fascinating tale. Where does the time go? Where does it? And for the last two days, I'm telling you, the reflex is so ingrained.

And I don't. You're just drawn on a watch at this point and changing the minutes. I don't like whipping out my phone. I do it enough already. You know what I mean? Just reflexively. Yawning again. Time. I do it enough already. You know what I mean? Just reflexively. Yawning again. Time.

Time. It's time. But I am completely disoriented. As soon as I get out of this fucking kitty litter shit can apartment, I'm going to get myself a new watch. Have you noticed that every time I'm not talking,

I'm exhausted. You are yawning. Anytime I'm not talking, I'm like, Oh my God. Yeah. It is literally like a senile dementia catatonia. Like, it's like, who are you? Who are you? Yeah, it's almost like it's like one floor versus the car yeah it is literally like a senile dementia catatonia like it's like who are you who are you yeah it's crazy was it a fancy watch

it was a g-shock not too fancy 100 bucks okay maybe it's time to treat yourself what do you think i don't know i don't have a watch i can't tell awful i'm fucking out of here sucking dick and cock sucking dick and cock