The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - Heels and Meals with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: March 26, 2024

In a world where fashion knows no boundaries, comes a story of self-discovery, unexpected transformations, and erotic culinary adventures. When Jack Huntley is about to lose his old-school diner to a landlord who wants a fancy new restaurant led by a celebrity female chef, he decides to take things into his own hands and become that female chef. With a blonde bouffant wig, 6-inch stilettos, and eyelashes as long as the Florida panhandle, Jack transforms into Jacqueline, the hottest chef in the tri-state area. But when Jack's best friend and sous-chef Randy falls in love with Jacqueline, it makes for a romance best served muy caliente! It's a story that proves once and for all that being true to yourself knows no gender. From the director of Sundance darling "Boyz Don't Eat Piez", comes a movie that breaks all the rules and celebrates the power of friendship, acceptance, and food-based kinks. This summer, experience a true gender-bender of a film. Don't miss "Heels & Meals". Coming soon to a theater near you! Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to: https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out future Live Podcast Shows, go to: https://trixieandkatya.com To order your copy of our book, "Working Girls", go to: workinggirlsbook.com To check out the Trixie Motel in Palm Springs, CA: https://www.trixiemotel.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

So what's it like to buy your first cryptocurrency on Kraken? Well, let's say I'm at a food truck I've never tried before. Am I going to go all in on the loaded taco? No, sir. I'm keeping it simple. Starting small. That's trading on Kraken. Pick from over 190 assets and start with the 10 bucks in your pocket. Easy. Go to Kraken.com and see what crypto can be. Not investment advice. Crypto trading involves risk of loss.

See Kraken.com slash legal slash ca dash pru dash disclaimer for info on Kraken's undertaking to register in Canada. I'm going back to university for $0 delivery fee. Up to 5% off orders and 5% Uber cash back on rides. Not whatever you think university is for. Get Uber One for students. With deals this good, everyone wants to be a student. Join for just $4.99 a month. Savings may vary.

Eligibility and member terms apply. Looking for a collaborator for your career? A strong ally to support your next level success? You will find it at York University School of Continuing Studies, where we offer career programs purpose-built for you. Visit continue.yorku.ca. Super hit Heart of Glass You know why it was super hit folks

38 years old No she Blondie didn't hit Until she was I think 29 30 Heart of Glass came out Which is hashtag old for women At pop music

Oh yeah I guess they're right Same with Elvira Elvira didn't hit until 30 Long in the tooth Yeah And Heart of Glass was big Because it was That song is like 50 disco 50

new wave and so when music was changing over she was like what about this hit that's both bitch what about both of these nuts yeah both of these nasty nuts i fucking love blondie she's amazing i got that album best of blondie when i was in high school because it was like i don't know like walmart for ten dollars or something and i was like oh my god this music i love it i wish there was more of it turns out they have a lot of it so it was if, I don't know, like Walmart for $10 or something. And I was like, Oh my God, this music. I love it. I wish there was more of it. It turns out they have a lot of it. So it was, if you loved heart of glass, you're going to love their entire catalog. Well, that's the problem with liking a new artist is you only like their one album they have and you have to wait for the next one.

If you fall in love with some old music, buckle up. Buckle up bitch. Because there's decades. Buckle up bitch. Or you fall in love with movies. Yeah. Or just movies. let's take a break no it's too early we gotta talk about tootsie we gotta fucking talk about tootsie bitch i finally

saw tootsie i'd never seen it let me see you tootsie roll i was not fucking ready honey we didn't talk about tootsie i've never seen it until now so if we ever did talk about tootsie i was pretending it's and now i fucking saw it. Okay? Dustin Hoffman, Terry Garr. Because honestly, you don't have to see Tootsie. We get it. Do we though? I'm in a cross-dress to be on TV. We get it.

The plot device of insurmountable problem only surmounted by cross-dressing. It's so cunty. One of the boys? Yentl. Tootsie. Like, yeah. Mrs. Doubtfire.

Mrs. Doubtfire. Mrs. Doubtfire. Cross-firing is the answer. Get the bag on the TV. I am watching that. You said cross-firing. Cross-firing. Well, that's when, yeah. So in Tootsie, he's an acting teacher.

And he's, he has a, Terry Garr is his student girlfriend that you're kind of sleeping together. And he's not getting work as a male actor so he's like, let me try female acting because it's a, it's easier. I don't know, it wasn't really clear

on why becoming a woman was the move. Yeah, but he gets cast on a soap, right? In my opinion. What? In my opinion,

you'd fuck Tootsie. If you need only the suggestion of an audition for a soap to cross-dress, mama. That was headed in. That was coming. That was coming, babe.

You know what I mean? It's like drag queens who have no paid gigs. They get one unpaid gig and immediately get acrylic nails and shave their eyebrows. It's like, honey, jump aboard the cross-dress express diva. Because Miss Fierce and Detective Fierce, bitch, that was coming. The Trans-Siberian Railway is taking off. Choo-choo. The Polar Six Express.

It was coming. Mike, well, how about the truly, I mean, in these movies, most of these movies, Tootsie and Mrs. Delphire, for example, these people are not what I would call Pasolena. Well, Mrs. Delphire, I would say yes, but is Mrs. Delphfire, I would say yes,

but is Mrs. Doubtfire passing? More tonight at seven. Passing what? Passing what? Passing the bar. Passing a stone. She's passing a stone. Well, if you're passing for an old lady,

you're passing a stone. You're passing a stone and you're also, wait, so Tootsie, Tootsie. Would you fuck Tootsie? I know you would.

I know you would. I know you would. Even out of drag, Dustin Hoffman, I'm not really attracted to. What about the graduate? No, too short. Oh, he's like 4'2". Yeah. Well, that's how he passed as a woman on the soap. Duh.

And I believe in short kings. I love that. I'm not going to your kingdom. You know what I mean? I believe in short kings. I see you. I believe in you. I don't fuck with you though.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. All drag is valid. Yeah. If you have to Um, all drag is valid. Yeah. If you have to get on your knees to suck my dick and then we need like a yoga, like a, like a block for you to get on. Oh my God. A little padding.

Yeah. And I don't leave it. We're all the same height laying down. That sounds like necrophilia. I was just going to say that. That sounds like necro. T. Like,

what about like, I wanted an acting gig, so I had to become a corpse to get fucked to get on tv let's take another break but basically there's a part there's a few parts i loved which is dustin hoffman is he's improvising in the scenes and he's giving the female characters more depth because in this series the females are all wanting to fuck the doctor yeah they're all passive yeah and he starts going off book and being like, no, I'm not doing that. Whatever.

And then he's cheating out and going, well, why would she do that? She's a woman with kids. Why would she blah, blah, blah. So he's adding depth to the character, which makes the viewers at home like that character. And so it's kind of funny because while stealing a role from women, just like Stanley Tucci taking every gay role. I was this close to being in Devil Wears Prada. Every single bald gay role. Every bald role taking every gay role I was this close to being in Devil Wears Prada every single bald gay role every bald role every gay role

everyone everyone and people get mad about other people doing it but Stanley Tucci doesn't, no one cares why was he in Burlesque and Devil Wears Prada playing the same exact person always gay I don't care about gay playing gay

I care about gay playing, good job playing gay. You just have to do a good job. Yeah. You just have to play the character. If you're like playing, if you're doing like an action, something and you're like,

hello, here we go guys. I'm going to kill you. Like that's not going to work. Yeah. Although I live for like, you know, I mean representation comes in all forms. But when like Reno 911 was on TV

and what's his name, Nick Swartzen played Terry who gets arrested all the time. He's always like, he's the guy who's like, leave me alone. I'm dead. Wait, he was, but you can play, anybody can play gay, but not anybody gay can play straight. Well, duh. On Broadway you can.

You're my girlfriend and I love to eat your pussy. Literally. Honey, baby girlfriend and I love to eat your pussy. Literally. Honey baby doll. I love you. I just love you. I think we should get married. My wife is giving birth. My wife is having a baby right now.

I hate. I asked her what her ring size was and she said she wanted a princess cut. I'm like, honey, with those hands. I hate all musicals. I hate all musicals. It's so horrible. The musicality of musicals. Here I am sitting at the chair and talking to you on a microphone.

I want to, all of my inner is going to come spilling out of my mouth onto your body. My BFA in musical theater, I really think of it as like my dark past. Well, okay. I think of it as like Gypsy Rose. Like I've moved on now and I'm a new person. And the D is fire. And the D is fire. Yeah.

No, but there's, there's, from my point of view, there's like four, Kander and Ebb. Of course. Kander and Ebb. Yeah. Kander and Ebb.

Cabaret, Chicago, Sweet Charity. Wait, sweet. No, no. That's Fosse.

Wait, well, you could love Star Trek and then maybe be turned off by Trekkies. It's a little bit like musical theater. People make musical theater uncool. Oh yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah.

And they're always like, um, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait, musical is, wait, is Canada. What's Canada again? Canada is any, is like, um,

cabaret, Chicago, anything that's like, boom, do, do, boom, boom,

boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, Fosse.

Yes. Cause Fosse is so cunt Think of like When You're Good to Mama Life is a Cabaret And then Sweet Charity The Rink Yeah Sweet Charity of course Iconic

I know I've sent it to you probably like 416,000 times Liza Minnelli Doing that number You send it on a loop. Maybe like once every two hours. You might have like an auto kind of like Oh shoot. Where am I? Just send you the thing. I'm on your mailing list.

I need to see you in that outfit like yesterday. You want to see me in that wig? No. Dina Martino. It would be Dina Martino. Oh my god. It would be. We gotta go back Oh my God. It would be. We got to go back to Tootsie. Okay.

He says there's a part where there, she's a good, he's a good actor in the show and he's bringing a lot of life to the character. Do the voice. And the other, well, I play Tootsie girl.

It's kind of bunny. It's bunny. It's totally bunny. There's a part where he goes to his agent and he goes up to his agent and he's like, it's me. I got the role. Can you believe it? Cause we're supposed to believe no one knows this doesn't happen. And then there's a part where he goes, um, he goes up to his agent and he's like, it's me. I got the role. Can you believe it?

Cause we're supposed to believe no one knows that's Dustin Hoffman. And then there's a part where he goes, um, he goes, can you believe it? They almost didn't give me the role. Cause that was almost too feminine. Bitch where? And then I guess bitch where? David Silver told me that Dustin Hoffman, cause we watched that and we watched some like it hot. That's what you told me.

Yeah. and we watched some like it hot that's what you told me yeah david told me that she was saying dustin hoffman was saying that she she'd never been criticized about like her she was kind of hurt that people were saying how ugly she was hello ugly yeah it was hello ugly which is so it's like it's like tyra in the in the in the the headscarf what do you mean like does drag once now i know what it's like to be a woman you know what i mean oh yeah i mean it's like it's like you were a old dog that was old yeller yeah and you were you were confused about you being not a swimsuit cover model yeah i mean in some ways it's like progressive because he's taking this background 2d women's role and he's making her the star of

the show by making her character matter. Yeah. So it's very like pro women in TV the way he creates the star of the show. Yeah. She's a runaway hit.

Tootsie Lou. Tootsie Lou. Him putting on the wig. There's scenes where he has the wig on and he wakes his roommate up who's Bill Murray and is like,

what do you think? And I'm just, why is it always the shortest fucking ugliest wig and glasses for female drag why not the long unit why not the vanity why not the uberaya why not the uberaya in um in like um in a six or like a 24 613 honey mix yeah honey blonde with like a root yeah with the root if you

and i directed tootsie if you and i directed tootsie she would have been up on she would have been up on a chair with pearls on oh on with her long acrylic nails rubbing her fucking pussy. Her fucking giant, enormous breastplate with a thing, like bikini string top that's only like cutting through her giant nipples. Yes. Just like wet. We're spraying her between takes all wet. Glycerin. Not even water.

Glycerin. She's soaking wet. Corn syrup. Corn syrup. She looks She's soaking wet. Corn syrup. Corn syrup. She looks like she's dipped in maple syrup. I need to talk about Dune. Did you see Dune? Yes, I did.

Can we, before we get to Dune, can I tell you the other piggyback I watched? Yes. So after Tootsie, which was crazy, one of my other favorite parts that you and I felt very strongly, I know. There's a part where she's acting and they go in for a tight shot and the producers go, not too tight. That I felt. It's like your buzz, your girlfriend. Woof.

Yes. And then David made me watch Some Like It Hot. Yeah. Never seen it. Yeah. Another classic cross-dressing to get on it. It's like the birdcage. I don't want to go to jail.

That was my first Marilyn movie. I'd never seen a Marilyn movie. Oh, no way. You never seen it? No. What oh no what about gentlemen prefer blind you've seen that one oh i guess i had seen that i don't know that is delicious but um okay i've never really seen a maryland movie like sitting really watching it something like that's jack lemon and walt no um jamie lee jamie lee kermis's dad tony kernis tony kernis tony tony kermis tony lee Kermis' dad Tony Kurnis Tony Kurnis Tony Lee Kurnis

Jamie Lee Kurnis So Tony Kurnis And then Janie Jimplin or Jackie Jomp Jomp Who was the other guy Reese something something Jack Lemon

They are musicians And they can't Reese something something No I don't know Jack Lemon Jack Lemon Yeah yeah yeah Okay love So they were They are musicians And they can't They see a job posting For an all girl band Oh yeah

Of course the solution is Cross dress Cross dress Yes Cross Crossing over With John Edwards Crossing over

With Thomas Edwards Yes the New York Times Crossword puzzle Girl She's a Part time crossing guard Honey crossing over with the most adverts. Yes, the New York Times crossword puzzle. She's a part-time crossing guard, honey. So they're riding on a bus. In all these movies, what happens is somebody falls in love in their drag character

and everything becomes light lesbian because he almost falls in love with Jessica Lange. Mama, in Terry Gore? Well, Terry Gore is his girlfriend. Is his girlfriend. That's his girlfriend, that's right. But then he has a tryst with Jessica Lange. Mama in Terry Gore? Well, Terry Gore is his girlfriend. Is his girlfriend. That's his girlfriend. That's right. But then he has a tryst with Jessica Lange.

Yeah. And she's confused because she's married and she's like, but you're a woman. Uh-huh. What about the old guy on the soap who can't get enough of Miss Tootsie Lou? There's tropes. One is accidentally falling in love and then you make the person you're in love with confused about their sexuality. Yeah. Yeah. Happens. And the, one is accidentally falling in love and then you make the person you're in love with confused by their sexuality. Yeah.

Yeah. Happens. And the other thing is somebody is completely powerless to your sexuality. Some dude is like, you're the hottest one I've ever seen. And some like it hot. It's a billionaire. And the guy is considering staying in drag to be rich.

They're like, you're not a woman. And Tony, Tony Curtis is like, you're not a woman. And he's Mr. Lemon's like, well, he's rich. They're like, you're not a woman. And Tony, Tony Curtis is like, you're not a woman. And he's, and Mr. Lemon's like,

well, he's rich. Mama, if the price is right, that's the house of hidden meanings. I want to talk to you about all story. Are you Dave, a claims-free hybrid-driving university grad who signed up online? Well, Dave, this jingle's for you. Who saves with TD Insurance?

Because he's a claims-free hybrid-driving university grad who signed up online. It's Dave. Not Dave? No problem. TD Insurance has over 30 ways to save on home and auto. So. You can totally save. Just not exactly like Dave. Save like only you can at tdinsurance.com slash ways to save.

TD. Ready for you. When things heat up, you don't just want a cold one. You want the coldest one. The cold-loggered, cold-filtered, cold-certified one. Mountain cold refreshment. Coors Light. The chill choice.

Visit CoorsLight.ca to learn more. Celebrate responsibly. Must be legal drinking age. Mary, I need to tell you. Tell me about Dune. I need to tell you about it. The Chinese theater saw me. I was seated for that fucking show.

The TCL. The Chinese theater. Oh, yeah, baby. I just caught the TLC theater. That's not right. The TLC theater. Yeah. The two live crew or T-Boz left eye and chili theater.

The crazy, sexy, cool AMC stub. But wait. Also, two live crew. Do you remember two live crew? Before your time. Rap band also two live crew do you remember two live crew before your time rap band two live crew um anybody nope bueller okay um dune the costume designery on that fucking film does it i squirt did you like it as much as doom one i shat in the mother toilet. I ate and shat in the I loved it just as much. I actually loved it

more because there's more action and more a lot more range of characters. It was so visually like I was chomp chomp chomping. Chomping. The Harkonnens the bald people that both you and I look like. People keep tagging us as Austin Butler.

Thank you. But even Austin Butler with no eyebrows, we're not exactly on that level. Honey, there is a scene, his first scene, he is, he plays a psychopath from this evil world where everybody's black and white. It's like a UV sun. It's so fierce.

It's a shot of him shirtless and jacked and it is i was like i will be uh jerking it to that later on jerking it yeah and it was so it was like a goth person's um for the costumes and the in the vibe it was like hr geiger like um all inspired design it was so it was just it was a feast for the costumes and the vibe, it was like H.R. Giger, like all inspired design. It was so, it was just, it was a feast for the eyeballs. And I can't get enough of that.

How long is it? It's three fucking hours long. Is that okay? It's a little too long for me in the theater, let me tell you that, honey. Austin Butler. Yeah. Yeah. Do you want, once the, I could tell when the movie was ending, I was like this.

I mean, I loved every moment of it, but I was like this. And I went, I went to that bathroom. So I was like Wile E. Coyote with a dust cloud going in the bathroom. To pee. Cause I'm not going to leave. Yeah. Do you leave the theater? Never.

Never. What's the point? I've never walked out of a movie and I've never left to pee. I've only walked out of one movie in my life. Two movies. I've watched out a bunch of movies. Because what if I miss the thing? The moment?

Oh, 100%. What are you supposed to do? Come back and turn to the person next to you and go, what did I miss? Yeah, loudly. Loudly. Or ask the person behind you, hey, I was in the bathroom. What, what, what? You know, it was, I walked out of hanging up with Diane Keaton, Meg Ryan, and Annette

Bening. Hanging up. Horrible film. Horrible film. Horrible film. Not on level, not on Dune level. No. That film is what I think turned me into a drug addict. I'm just kidding.

So if we watch in reverse. We break the curse. Hanging, hanging. What's the opposite of hanging up? You wish to have the curse reversed you need a certain potion first pushing down yeah pushing down horrible film and norah affron and fuck into the woods you know what i want you to say because that this is this is my crack people say these cookies are like crack that to me my ears is like crack say it again fuck into the woods

that's one hot pleasure for me again. Fuck into the woods. That's one hot pleasure for me. Fuck into the woods. Fuck into the woods. Fuck that shit. Fuck it right in the pussy. The milk is white. The snow.

I can't take it. Pants are black and shoes are white. And here we are sitting in a room talking on the podcast. I can't take it. It's like Sweeney Todd also. Go get fucked. Yeah. Get fucked.

Yeah. But less so than into the woods. Into the woods can go fuck itself up the butt. It sure can. With a hemorrhoid. And I know it's high quality. I don't like it. That's fine.

But I don't like it. I wish. I wish it was over. I wish this movie never existed so I wouldn't have to. Yeah. Can we talk trauma? I need to tell you about what happened at the pit stop. What?

I need to tell you about what happened at the pit stop. What? I was leaving the pit stop and I wore this like little pink sequin disco. It was the kind of mini dress with tits built in that one I showed you where it's like laced perfectly flush to my skin. Love that. Apparently, between the driver, the PAs, Brandon, and me, the dress got put in the back of the car and it was raining and the driver pushed close on the door. And as the door was closing, it fell into the street in the garment bag.

And they have footage at Paramount of an unhoused individual just grabbing it. Love that. So I just am out like a $500 custom dress. But look on the bright side. That unhoused person, I say homeless, is up. I say outdoorsy. mountain people we're not supposed to say homeless is unhoused okay so i am of the opinion this is just my opinion by the way unhoused i believe is a euphemism i feel i find it personally i find it patronizing homeless also

i don't know it's in some ways is more sad and more real. This person doesn't have a home. Yeah. I mean, base. It's like a house, a house, unhoused. Like,

yeah, the building that sounds like, it sounds like the kind of verbiage that is like sanitized in order to like, um, not treat a problem. You know what I mean? Yeah. Not having a building.

Yeah. It sucks. But like not having a mental spiritual place. That's a home is like, I think that's more, that's a home is like I think that's more that's more what we should feel I don't know

we should speak for the homeless the outdoorsy the outdoorsy I can speak for mountain people tiny home people van life tiny home people there's a lot of van life people

in West Hollywood van life what is that life van life van city Reynolds mama van mama van city reynolds well some people want to live outside which is fine i mean they want to live in a van do you live do you like camping no yeah no i'd rather live in a van have you shot in the woods is the is the past tense of shit shat or have you shit in the woods when i did the marathon have you shit in the woods what had a hemorrhoid and I had a preparation H suppository at mass during the marathon.

And actually shit out the suppository during the run. I had to wipe my ass with a leaf in Cedarburg, Wisconsin. In the broad daylight. Accidentally? Accidentally? Yeah. Yeah. So that dress is gone.

And I just hope whoever stole it is a size 14. And since it has breasts sewn into it, I hope they have no breasts. Was she about a size 14? Exactly. I hope they're a size 14 with no breasts. I hope Frederica Bimmel gets it. Yeah, I hope Frederica Bimmel is wearing it in the well right now. I had to call Amy and be like, can you remake this?

I guess pick a different pink because I don't want a copy of it. But like that dress is gone. It's okay. It's okay. Things happen. At least you got your legs. If anybody on who has it is listening to this, please willing to like to me and I'll sell it back to her.

I'm willing to like, um, negotiate. Yeah. She's willing to suck your cock. Yeah. You want to see your daughter alive again? Like I want to see my dress again.

We're going to get Liam Neeson on the case. Taken. Taken. Taken. Tyken. Tyken. Slates. Tyken.

Wait. I need you to know about Dune again. Tell me about it. I need you to know how. Did you get to see Rebecca Ferguson? I sure did. She's in it again. And she ate and shit all over them.

Mr. Timbate? Timbate Chalamet. Timbate. Timb in it again. And shit all over them. Mr. Timothee? Timothee Chalamet. Took a shit in the mother toilet. Got it. He was giving full on Nell. It was good. He was great. He's the least I mean he's a lovely guy. Little bird boy. Apparently he's got a big swinging dong that he gave syphilis to a whole bunch of people at NYU.

It's just hearsay. But he's like he is very serviceable as the lead role. Wonderful actor. It's all the other characters though, that really get my fucking juices flowing. Rebecca Ferguson, eating, shitting in the mother toilet.

Literally. She's mother, Reverend mother. Did you see the guy at the theater on a hoverboard and that dunes thing? Riding the sandworm. Live. Fucking live. Fucking A.

Live. Yeah. I loved that. It was like, people would clap at the sandworm. Live. Fucking A. Live. Yeah. I loved that it was like people would clap at the end of the movie. I'm like, they're not here, you know? Right. Have you ever experienced that? That's a new thing for me. People clapping at the end of a film in a cinema where the director or the cast. They do it in LA.

Well, have you ever been to a premiere? Well, the premiere is different. In premieres, they clap. No, in premieres, every credit rolls. Film by, in the beginning, when it rolls, film by in the beginning. When it's like film by, they clap for everything. Okay, that's cool though, because they're there though.

But clapping at the end, I think it's funny. It's like, I know we all got to go to the bathroom. What are y'all playing at? Oh, in LA, they sit and watch the whole credits. Well, I'm not- They watch the whole credits. That's crazy. The only thing that was not crazy-

Do you also like open a candy bar and eat the wrapper? What are you talking about? My cereal box. I just put it in my whole thing in my mouth. Yeah. Even if your husband is like stunt woman one, well wife, I don't know. Even they're going to turn up like, we don't have to wait for my fucking name. No.

I promise I'm in it. No, my God. That is so insufferable. Although the only thing is that sometimes, you know, in those Marvel fucking movies, there's always like an Easter egg at the end of the credits. But in the Terrifier part two, if you happen to, after two and a half hours of brutality, if you happen to just find yourself planted in that theater seat, you were treated to the most wonderful little post-credit prologue, epilogue rather, where a woman was scrawling in vagina blood on an asylum wall and then gave birth to a severed head. Bonk, bonk, bonk. Beat it up.

Was she in a sparkly dress? She's about a size 14. Is she a size 14? I got to tell you one more thing before. We're not even that far into it, I guess. Our guest today is here who's really good. Hello. No, she smells like shit.

Yeah, tune in next week because the guest is fierce. The guest. Oh, the guest is hunty. Yeah, it's fierce. It's fierce. Hi, it is fierce. It in general as a theory is fierce, but this person is also fierce. She's serving.

I got to tell you something. Something not as good as Dune happened to me. So, you know, I've been having some health problems. My mobility is very low. Thank you. It's just funny. That's funny. Yeah, I think it's super funny.

No, it's just funny the way you said it. Would you, is that like semantic? Should I say like problems of the health no i think you should say you know i've been unhealthy american you know i've been ill i've been ill ill um and my mobility's been somewhat limited so i've had to find special ways to get to work and things right wheelchair wheelchair wheelchair not a wheelchair um but last week I got a service where they pick me up at the house, drive me to LAX, a different building where there's a secret, secret lounge. Oh my God.

We get there. They take my ID and my bags and they just sit me down in a lounge and I eat breakfast and they do all the ticketing, the baggage. I don't even participate. Then they say, Mr. Fergus, if you're finished with your breakfast, we'd love to take you to the plane now. They put me in a car, drove me on the tarmac to the side of the plane, and I just walked up the stairs and sat in my seat.

There was no TSA. I didn't even go in LAX. Mama. Don't you dare say this out loud on the pod. No. The secret is out, hunty. It was. The secret is out. Because I've It was. The secret is out.

Because I've had some walking problems. It was life changing because I didn't have to walk through the fucking airport. What about going to Heathrow? Could you imagine? Well, could you imagine? They don't have it at every airport. No,

but I mean like with your, with your like not being ambulatory. I would have to get help. Oh yeah. Yeah. So on the way back, yes, two days ago,

get this. I land, I get the same service, but in reverse. I get the plane stops. I get off the plane. Right. When ago get this i land i get the same service but in reverse i get the plane stops i get off the plane right when i get off the plane they have a sign eject button they put me in a car on the tarmac where they had a meal for me and they drove me straight to my house with my bags no baggage claim was this like a million dollars like a milk bra and no panties it was a lot of money yeah i was gonna say it sounds like a pj it was a lot like a p no bra no panties it was a lot of money yeah I was gonna say it sounds like a PJ

it was a lot of money it sounds like a PJ it was a lot of money yeah just the service the car thing just the car thing to pick me up

on the tarmac and drive me to the house was like $800 that's actually not as much as I was gonna guess but the car even if I just got a car service that's a few hundred

and if it saves me having to walk through the airport at this moment in my life, I was like, let's just splurge on it. Yeah. Have you taken a private jet? Never. Never?

Have you? Once. You did? Yeah. Where? It was for an Urban Decay gig a long time ago, and it was so strange. Urban Decay flew you private to Vegas? To Vegas and New Orleans and another place.

We took it, I think, twice or two or three times. It was wild. Urban Decay, if you could send me Brow Blade and Cafe Kitty, I think I could get a few brow pencils since you're flying this sack of shit all over private. Yeah, it was crazy. It was crazy. It was like very strange. It was a small plane though. That's the only thing that's a little rickety.

Small planes is a little scary. Yeah. But you just go, you're just boop, boop're just boop boop boop it's weird but but the fantasy of not even going into lax well that's the fantasy and not i got off the plane they already had my bags off the plane and put me in a suv and drove me straight to my house my baggage claim let me ask you this this is something that i i truly think about a lot since we both have had the opportunity and I guess the good fortune to travel a lot. And most often at other people's expense. Hello. Yeah.

Why don't they have a tranquilizer service? Mama. Fifth element. Yes. Have a good flight, Mr. Dallas. Push the button. This is where they need that service. Nerve gas. Nerve gas, anything. Dallas. Push the button. Like they need it. This is where they need that service. Nerve gas.

Nerve gas. Anything. Like literally move out a watch, you know, like champagne, cocaine. What was that? Puerto Vallarta. I want the Michael Jackson propothal. Yes. What about this audio clip of Michael Jackson?

Oh, please stop it. That's not true. They made it up. They lie. My shoulder. My shoulder is dislocated. I can only move it to here. That's you on the plane. That's you true They made it up They lie My shoulder My shoulder is dislocated I can only make it to here That's you on the plane

That's you on the plane My shoulder I need a ride And also some breakfast Please Yeah entirely I'm so hungry And I cannot walk

But that's me I'm grateful I got in the car And it was a room temp crudite With Thai noodles I said What the fuck is this Cause I don't wanna cheat On my vegetarianism,

but I've been having pretty hardcore anemia. So I've been introducing chicken into my diet to try to balance everything out. I'm not going to say I'm going to do it forever, but let me tell you something

about Miss Chicken. Miss Chicken? And I love, I clucked a lot of years not eating animals. Clucked a lot of years. I thought we'd use that. So I hope I've bought myself

a few months of maybe rebalancing my diet. It's not a, it's not a moral issue. Well, I don't think it's for me. Okay. Okay.

Jesus Christ. If I shut down the fact that that's Miss Cluck Cluck, that's Miss Chicken Run. Um, she's delicious. Have you ever fucking had, have you ever fucking had like a Wendy's chicken sandwich? Have you ever had a Chipotle burrito with chicken?

This is, now I feel like somebody who's talking about doing drugs, having sex. I'm like, have you ever got your pussy ate on meth? You know what I mean? Now I'm like. But also, you need to dream bigger chicken-wise, girl, because you've only scratched the surface. If Wendy's and Chipotle is the gate, is the point of heaven, the point of the climax, there's a whole other level. There's an elevator that goes all the way up, baby.

Chicken cordon bleu, chicken cacciatore, chicken parmesan um i mean come on miss chicken miss chicken i've been really eating chicken i've been doing chicken stuff don't you get back here you bitch our guest is leaving sorry you know sorry we're not hot and young enough for you you bitch taco bell's here miss chicken oh speaking of um do they feed you at home? No. Who's they? The Royal Day? Who's they? God? Well, my brother's here and he is feeding.

He's staying with you? Uh-huh. Is Graham here? No. It's just my brother. My brother's just like a little like week of, a week of like retreat. He's on retreat at my pergola. He's retreating to you.

Meditating. He's coming to live with you to calm down. Mama, that tells you that that's a that that's an ominous portent of his home life. A week? My brother's coming this week. I'm not kidding. That's so weird. Well, they know each other though. I think they're hanging out tonight.

They fucking. The PT and the lawyer. My brother's visiting. The lawyer? Yeah. He's going to give you some legal advice? Well, I'm trying to hang out with him. Yeah?

Because we've kind of like been, What do y'all do together? I think we've been lukewarm on each other for the first like 30 years of life and we're trying to like, trying to stage something. I know what you can do.

Spicy chicken salad. Girl, I'm trying to kind of January 6th, our relationship, like go in, feel up, storm it.

You know, like feel up Nancy Pelosi's big Italian titties. Yes. Wait, did you see Marjorie Taylor Greene? Did you see the clip of Joe Biden reacting to Marjorie Taylor Greene? I did not, but I think you must show it to me at once. She's in a red Make America Great Again hat and a red fucking shirt and a red blazer with all these buttons that say crazy shit. I think it says like say her name, which I think is her name like it doesn't even matter and joe biden turns and sees her and once in a while

joe biden does high comedy the way all old people do of course joe biden turns and sees her and just goes like to her outfit and she's standing there and all red like and what which i don't think you're allowed to go to those type of events and wear like, you can't do like Macy Gray a gown that says my album drops January 6th or whatever. Right, right, right, right. It's just. Macy Gray, my album drops. Well, do you remember when Macy Gray had that gown that says she went to like a Grammys with a gown that said my album drops and the date? Yeah.

I don't like. Also, I really don't like, you know Yeah. I don't like, also, I really don't like, you know what I don't like? Fashion statements. At the end of Love is Blind, this girl had, she had writing embroidered into her veil. Could you see it though? Yeah.

When I thought of you first. Okay. Because you hate writing on clothes. I hate like, it's like, like, well, I mean, this is different. I'm not, I'm like, when at the oscars i mean like when you're making that um um i don't remember i love that you know and um when someone's at the oscars and they're trying to make a political statement with their like gown or whatever i'm like yeah

just yeah i was like you're probably worth 30 million dollars why don't you fix the problem bitch didn't they do something in at an award show a few years ago where everyone wore a color? They all wore, all the women wore black in paying sort of in solidarity for the Me Too movement, which I thought was interesting. But you know what also is interesting? I watched this clip of, a super clip of stars

thanking Harvey Weinstein in their acceptance speeches at the Oscars. Isn't that wild? Everyone. No, because part of the hush of that is I also have to pretend to be grateful. Yeah. I mean, because it's like two things can be true at the same time. He can produce really amazing pictures and also be a horrible monster.

Right. Yeah. You know, I feel that way about, I don't know if we've talked about this, but a couple of years ago, I discovered the music of Marilyn Manson. I'd never heard it really. He always scared me. And in 2018 or something, 2020. Yeah. I listened to some of his records for the first time and I was like, this music is great.

And the more I looked into it, I was like, oh, he's kind of doing drag. I was like, this is kind of gay. I'm going to find out more about Marilyn Manson. And then I found out, oh, that album you like, let me tell you, that's never going to like, you're not allowed to, you're not going to be tweeting about that today. No, no. Yeah. You definitely, I mean, it's like, but it made me retroactively wish when I was a young

gay kid, I had seen through the spook and been like drag. Oh yeah. That's what I was. I was into him when the, uh, when his EP smells like children came out before he got super glam draggy. And it's funny. I mean, obviously, you know, the cycle of music is so interesting that like drag is always factored in. Yeah. Like Poison, Whitesnake.

Those guys, they were doing more drag than Drag Race. T. Bret Michaels. Not Bret Michaels. Dee Snider follows me on Twitter. Dee Snider. Tommy Lee. Bret. Not Bret. Kiss. Kissider follows me on Twitter. Dee Snider. Tommy Lee. Brett.

Not Brett. Kiss. Kiss. Duh. Right. I mean, they're doing, they have more makeup than Trinity the Tuck Taylor has on. Yeah. You know.

I have a couple more things to talk to you about. Please. Because I only have one with you today before our guest. And I haven't seen you in a while, so I actually have some good things. Oh, yes, girl. Okay. Oh, haven't seen each other in a while, so I actually have some good things. Oh, yes, girl. Okay. Oh, haven't seen each other in a while, girl.

I missed you, girl. Oh! Oh, girl. All I want to talk about is celebrities with you lately. Have you seen the clip of Anne Hathaway taking pictures with fans? No. Okay. She gets out of a car,

and all these fans rush her. This is a two-part story. There's this one story where this guy, his thing is going up to pop stars and singing their music in their face And he does it all the time And there's a clip of Billie Eilish seeing him and go Oh no And she goes I'm not gonna sit here and let you sing at me bro

So fierce I love her I recently sort of discovered her I'm kind of late to the party That Oscar is deserved. That What Was I Made For song makes me cry every time I hear it. My favorite part of the Barbie movie was that song. I mean, this is going to be the bridge between our episode and our guest.

But she, so Labada famously ripped off her song Bad Guy, the melody. And I was like, I watched the video, the music video for Bad Guy recently. And I was like, oh, oh, so little girl, little girl, you're a genius. Little girl, little girl. The lyrics, she's amazing. The music video is, or then.

She has two Oscars. She's like 22 years old. Mama, the video and song for, what's the song? The sleep paralysis one, something a friend, the video and song for, um, what's the song? Uh, uh, the sleep paralysis one, something, a friend, bury a friend. Have you seen that shit?

No. Fucking you better go. You better take your bony ass out of that chair and, um, go watch it right away. Miss health problem. Miss health problem. Um,

I got it. Miss, miss, miss, miss, miss, miss, miss,

miss, miss, miss, miss, miss, miss, miss, miss,

miss, miss, miss, miss, miss, miss, miss, miss,

miss, miss, miss, miss, miss, miss, miss, miss,

miss, miss, miss, miss, miss, miss, miss, miss,

miss, miss, miss, miss, miss, miss, miss, miss,

miss, miss, miss, miss, miss, miss, miss, miss, miss, miss, miss, miss, miss, miss, miss, miss, miss, miss, miss, miss, miss, miss, miss, miss, miss, going to let you sing at me, bro. Love it. Love it.

Love it. Oh, no. She goes, oh, no. And then she goes, I'm not going to let you sing at me, bro. She's like, I'm not going to stand here and listen to you sing, bro. She's cunt. She is cunty. So Anne Hathaway gets out of his car and everyone runs at her and she goes, everyone stop.

Everyone take a few paces back. I will come to you. There is no need to rush. We will do this one at a time. Thank you. Yes, Eileen, do it. She freezes them with her star power and goes, there's no urgency.

I see all of you, and we're going to take these photos. And you don't have to swarm me for that to happen. If you come at me one more inch, I will take my claw and rip out your trachea and then stuck it up my pussy. But I- Annie Hathaway.

I thought you would like that. I love it. Can you send me the clip? I'll send it to you. I'll send it to you. I love it. Yeah. Annie Hathaway is so cuntiliciousdiva.com.

I'll send it to you. Annie Hathaway. There's another phenomenon on the internet that I have interest in, which is videos about military dads surprising kids who don't know their home. Like pranking them though? No, no, no, no, no. Yeah. No.

Like the kid is, let's say, um, in class and the teacher goes, oh, we have a special guest today. And the dad walks in, in uniform and the kid didn't know the dad was coming home from Iraq or whatever. Whoa. But my question is, obviously the mom knows. Porn? Porn.

Oh. So the mom is going, no, no, don't tell him. Let's film it. I think that that's also- That feels fucked. That's fucked and also hugely humiliatingly embarrassing. Do you remember when we were in Salt Lake City and all the Mormon people are welcoming their people back from whatever?

All are welcome. It was like, y'all are a cult. This is creepy. Although I would fuck all of you. I have Mormon underwear on today. This is what they wear in the porn. This is what they wear in the porn. No, they're long.

They're long. They're full body. Nice try, Annie. Stop. Blurred out. Take a breath. Yeah, take a breath. We'll do this one at a time.

I have one pair of white boxer shorts. Whenever I wear them, I'm like, Mormon. I hope that the camera caught you at the back of your butt and it was just brown and red. Could you imagine? Shit and blood stains. Shit and blood stains. Now that I can't run, do you know how embarrassed I am with my lower body right now? No, tell us.

Miss tiny stick legs? Miss flat butt? Miss flat butt. Miss ill. Miss flat butt. Miss sick legs? Miss ill yet. if you ever thought i was in bad shape before oh shit well what about well you know i've been seeing yeah yeah we're not supposed to say his name i asked him today oh okay okay okay um jake jake yeah yeah um he's been doing what he calls restorative stretching yeah and it's been very beneficial But you know

Okay we gotta wrap it up In short It's 38 minutes can I have 5 more minutes Oh my god It's like we don't have a guest waiting My other thing was why do twins look different We don't have to do the end part We don't have to

No I want to talk about fraternal versus identical Fraternal versus identical. Fraternal, identical, fraternal. Twins look different as they get older. Why? Well, sun damage? Diet choices? Wait, what?

We're talking about identical twins, right? Twin children look like twins. And then twins in their 40s, you're like, oh yeah, you used to be identical. Then one of you took the high road or something. Well, there's, I mean, I think, I don't know. And that's the end of the pod. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, shut up, shut up, shut up.

Fraternal twins. That's the real tea. Well, do you know the difference? Yeah. Identical is identical. The fraternals and their, their, their twins, but the two eggs get certified. Certified by Rotten Tomatoes. And in identical,

one cell divides. I didn't know that. It's like Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito. Our high school was just rotten with twins. It was like twins everywhere. Really? Yeah, you swing a bag high school was just rotten with twins. It was like twins everywhere. Really?

Yeah, you swing a bag and you hit a bunch of twins in my high school. Oh, yeah. What do you think about like triplets? Disgusting. Disgusting. But imagine if there was me and then two people look just like me around. No. Three times.

That's too much. That's DTM doing too much. I would kill it. It. Wouldn't let her reach, much. I would kill it. It. Wouldn't let her reach. I wouldn't let her transition to any gender. Did you wish you had a twin? No.

I used to wish I had a twin. I thought it was so cool. No, because like I said, there were so many twins around and I knew they were no good. Well, I think growing up, my financial situation, I was like, I'm glad that I'm not a twin. And then my mom was like, let's have two more. And I'm like, well, you should have just had a twin, bitch. I mean, T. Twin drag queens?

I guess it exists. Paprika and turmeric or whatever. Paprika and turmeric, yeah. Coriander and thyme and allspice. Coriander and turmeric. Coriander and turmeric.

B12 and fish oil. Whatever. I don't know. Johns Hopkins. Speaking of on my wellness journey, you know, I'm Courtney. I actually have vitamins. Well,

yes. Okay, great. This, I take, I drink that AG one every day and I take so many fish oils. So many of all that. That's great.

That's great. However, and listen, don't tell you, I don't take this advice. I've just learned it. But it's better to get all your nutrients from food if you can. Yeah, I'm also trying to do that.

Yeah, yeah. That's the best. Green kale. Yes. The skin of blackberries. Oh, okay, Miss Skin. Skims. Smoothies.

Wait, wait, wait. Last, last thing, I swear to God. B-M-D. Sea Pagetti. Oh, yeah. I have had. C-Pagetti. Oh, yeah. I have had this. C-Pagetti, that one doesn't really make sense to me. I'm not super, there's this girl on Instagram and TikTok who I am now completely obsessed.

It is now a penetrating vocal stim, whatever you call that, that repetitive echolalia type of thing. I cannot stop saying it. that repetitive echolalia type of thing. I cannot stop saying it. She does, she's a Vietnamese and she does a, has a hilarious Tik TOK where she, um,

she speaks in this like, uh, outrageously or exaggerated Vietnamese accent saying like, I mean, I just, can I just play? Of course. Okay. It's,

it's just, it's so funny. It's just so funny. It's like, she's just, it tickles the ear to hear like how somebody would pronounce hamburger if they're not an English speaker first. It is so fucking, I mean, it's so funny.

I can't deal with it. Spaghetti, I don't get that. She says, well, C-paghetti. So there's no like, anything to, I guess there's like a, you don't combine those consonant sounds apparently. But I mean. Interesting. It's like. The accent.

Can you say these names in Vietnamese? Hoa Mek. Cot Co. Facebook. Instagram. YouTube. TikTok. Google.

Victoria's Secret. Netflix. Hoa Mek. Do Che Gba Na, Dion, CK, Convert, La Corte, Uber, Wendy, Burger King, Lexus, Honda, Kia, BMW, MSC, Handicap. It has like a bounce to it. It's incredibly music. It's kind of elastic. And her boyfriend's in the shower like going, no. It's so funny.

She is so funny. But Vietnamese is a language I'm not at all familiar with. At all. At all. You're joking. No. In Downsizing, She plays a Vietnamese refugee And she speaks with that accent

The whole movie Even in Thailand When I was there It didn't It sounded I mean obviously Different languages Are different

Breaking news Yeah Wild BMW Yeah Alright Speaking of languages This next guest

Yeah We're talking only in Spanish See you next week Okay Bye Speaking of languages, this next guest. Yeah. We're talking only in Spanish. See you next week. Okay. Bye.