The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - I'm on Ozempic and I'm Blowing Ass with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: July 18, 2023

Please consult your doctor before listening to this podcast. Common side effects of The Bald and the Beautiful include nausea, stomach pain, diarrhea, vomiting, superfluous third nipples, increased viewings of Ken Burns documentaries, compulsive tax preparation, and a deep yearning for golden showers. Remember: Higher quality ingredients mean a healthier and happier life for your kitty. So, head to https://Smalls.com/BALD and use promo code BALD at checkout for 50% off your first order PLUS free shipping! Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be amazing! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast To check out future Live Podcast Shows, go to: https://trixieandkatya.com To order your copy of our latest book, "Working Girls", go to: workinggirlsbook.com To check out the Trixie Motel in Palm Springs, CA: https://www.trixiemotel.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Welcome to the pro-life with LG Gram Pro. Experience the power of pro. Get your LG Gram Pro today. Pro. Anytime. Anywhere. And we're... Oh, wait. Pro. Anytime. Anywhere. You, that... With Kristen McWig. No, Kristen McWig? Kristen Wig. Oh, okay. Because her... No, you told me about this

and I have to write it down because I want to watch it. It's about a woman with borderline personality disorder who is obsessed with Oprah and daytime television, etc. And she wins $86 million and dumps it all into having

her own local access TV show about herself. And it's... Where she hires actors to play her and friends who've traumatized her and acted out It's crazy Dixie and Katya on by slant. Yeah Joan Cusack, uh, Christian wig. Yeah

Wes Bentley great James Marsters Marsden is that his name marston oh james marsden i'm thinking of james marshers who's spiked from buffy oh okay sorry sounds like you were scrambling your like crispy r in there we don't do that anymore crispy cream crunchy graham crackers that's she's really great she's a great girl. She's great. Great. There's something really wrong with it. There's something very dark-sided about it. It's twisted up. It's Halloween-y.

There's a lot going on, though, right now. I won't elaborate on that. Are you joining the new socials? Are you on the threads, honey? Are you on the blue sky? What is it? I'm hardly on Twitter. I'm rarely on Instagram.

I do fap to Tumblr every once in a while. Because I love this. I love gifs of people fucking and sucking. A gif of a loop? Oh, yeah. Because it's, you know, sex is about motion. It's an action. You know what I mean?

And it's about like rhythms, circadian rhythms. I was into Tumblr when it was porn and then when it stopped being porn i really lost respect for them as a people well you're like well you go to the general store for some chocolate they stopped selling chocolate you don't go to the store anymore but i bet tumblr plays herself like the victim i'm a tumblr she doesn't know who she is right now she's like yeah we have porn but this is like they have sensitive it's a whole mess. But the thing about social media is when you give people something later, if you decide to monetize that thing they had for free, they're not going to like it. No, they're not going to like it.

This Twitter thing where you get 600 tweets or something, you get to view 600 tweets. Verified and unverified accounts and newly verified accounts all have limits of what they can look at. Leon, Leon Musk, get your fucking dick off my eyeballs do you know what i mean get your dick out of my eyeballs what a strange looking person ugly very strange looking person yeah ugly zuckerberg look like uh don juan yeah really and i mean it's not exact but do you know about them saying they're going to beat each other up? Mama, that fight would be so faggoty. And so sad. Like, so just like.

You got Iran who's like, well, actually. And then you have Zuckerberg who's like, I'm out here smoking meat. Yeah, I got smoked meats and a fat ass. Him and his like, I don't know, short chinos. You ever see that picture of him with a sunblock in his face? I surely have. Jet skiing with a big fat dumper that shouldn't belong to him, by the way. I mean, it's kind of a catch-22 because in America, we both worship wealth and hate the

very rich. So no matter what they did at their tax bracket, people are going to hate them. No matter what they do. And they should. Because nobody should- Unless you're Oprah. Oprah's the only one who gets away with being that rich and no one hates her. Oh, I beg to differ on that who else

Dolly maybe Dolly's untouchable but she's also not a billionaire yeah whereas Miss Oprah Miss Oprah is definitely in the B club

I mean I don't know Dolly's probably in the hundreds of millions or whatever but anyways it should be illegal doing what you need to do to get to that club

is illegal unethical unethical. Unethical, illegal, and shouldn't be allowed. I agree. Anyways. You and I make billions of dollars. Not billions.

You and I make enough that if they told me, hey, we're going to cure homelessness, but people who make the money you do, we need 30%. I'd be like, take it, Mary. Yeah, great. We should have done that 150 years ago. But the truth is these billionaires, if they gave even 1%, they could like end world hunger. But it's not. Yeah. The thing is that they, unfortunately, they'd have to rearrange the whole system that allows them to be billionaires.

Well, that's why we should be basically socialist. I've waited. I think there's a world where capitalism and socialism can exist together. Oh, well, I don't know about that. I mean, yeah, we can. If there is an in place, if it's basically graded on a curve where the more money you make, the more you have to pick up the bill of society,

you should not be able to be, you should not be able to cheat and hoard wealth. Yeah. And you should also, there should be an income maximum, but there also needs to be a, some sense of solidarity built into the social fabric of the country otherwise nobody's going to like want to help anybody yeah which is where we are now it's like i me and my family and then fuck you i have a shotgun let's you know i mean if you try to fuck

with my family and my family's blood money we will kill you people that's america i'm not joking i think people fantasize about someone breaking into their home so they get to shoot someone with their gun i'm dead serious a hundred people say like they do come and take it they're like please give me a reason to shoot you every night they have hot tea and they're in a rocking chair with a shotgun every night the front door yeah waiting what's going on there i don't like guns i don't want to hold them, touch them. I'm not curious about them. I don't care. Yeah.

It's not for us. I, yeah, I, I held them recently. My, my friend, he has like a, probably 10 or 12 of them.

Your uncle, 15. No, my friend, but he is like a collection. AR 15 rifles, Matt, like 50 caliber Mac.

My brother has guns. Yeah. I, and I held him. They're not, we should not be having those. We don't, we should not have those.

You're not, you're not Jesse Pinkman. You're not Walter White. I'm not Ulysses S. Grant. No. That's the president. That's the president. That's true.

General E. Lee. You're not in a war-torn, I'm not Napoleon Bonaparte. Yeah, especially in America. We're not in a, not Napoleon Bonaparte Yeah especially in America We're not in a I don't know Kill or be killed It's not Zero Dark Thirty I'm not like

Going in spider holes With the fucking With the marines Looking for Bin Laden No Even that's done by computer These days You know

Well you can't find Bin Laden anymore Why? Did he move? Isn't he dead? Oh no He just like Got a facelift You know when they found him In that spider hole Well, you can't find Bin Laden anymore. Why? Did he move? Isn't he dead? Oh, no. He just got a facelift. You know when they found him in that spider hole that he had Kim K porn?

The diva. That's why she has. That's why she's in the big club. If I found out that he was jerking off to me, I don't think I could ever present myself to a man again. No, no, no. That's how you know you have universal appeal. That's immense. Crossing language barriers.

Crossing over. you're big in international market yeah it's like you know porn i've been thinking a lot about porn tell me and so it's it's strange to have a lot of people around me like um so this one porn star who was a superstar ballet dancer is teaching me ballet a couple couple days um in my little gym at home he's a fantastic dancer it's sickening and he does porn and i've known this porn before i met him and it's a strange thing for me to have jerked off to him several times and then meet him in real life and then discover he's a dancer and then take dance lessons from him it's such a it's a complicated relationship socially because i was looking at him do a grand plie and i almost my eyes went like cross-eyed

you almost got sprung i almost got sprung and i had to like exit i almost like took off for the hollywood hills yeah up the hill uh-huh but that's, that's what I feel about you and I, I went to that winter solstice thing outside Andrew's house. Remember like two years ago, it was like, you and you, you, me and a bunch of porn people all putting like our intentions,

the universe, which was so crazy. And so it's LA, the moon. Crazy. It's not the cocaine. It's the moon. Mary.

Sometimes we don't have to hope that celestial bodies make us a bad person. Sometimes we just have to look inward. It's personal behavior. You know? And you shit that turd. Blame it on the moon. But likely, like that, you know I love Chirac. Yes.

I love Chirac. And I don love Chirac and I don't care. I know that's basic because so many people love him, but I like what I like. Don't yell at me. I'm not. So he was at this, he was at this solstice thing and I was just like, that's Chirac. He must look at me. And just from my eyes and from my demeanor, he must know. He's an interesting mole rat.

He must know that I have, I have, I have excised the skin from my cock through friction you've rubbed it off to his and will continue to do so I watch him fuck men in ways that I actually don't want to happen to me because these men are brutalized it's fight club honey

it's fight club it's no country for old men it's mission impossible dead reckoning I for old men it's it's Mission Impossible Dead Reckoning I don't want to be slammed on a wall and choked and fucked

in a way that hurts where that breaks your pelvis but I want to watch that happen in a porn yeah it's like yeah

I'm like that person who goes to a store and tries on outfits I'll never buy yeah that's how I'm with porn I'm like what if I like this you're never gonna get married

but you'll go to David's Bridal everyone's try on dresses and be like we're doing a rushed wedding because That's how I'm with porn. I'm like, what if I like this? You're never going to get married, but you'll go to David's Bridal. Try on dresses. And be like, we're doing a rushed wedding because my boyfriend's being deployed. Do you guys have a discount? And I buy dresses. And then I open my own David's Bridal.

Oh, a Scamtina. Without the apostrophe. David's Bridal. David's Bridal. David's Bridal. So the opposite. The guy that I was admiring Gets I wouldn't say fucked

I'd say he gets Pummeled Jackhammered Fracked Human fracking Going on Jet fueled Pistons

Drilling for oil In the Mariana Trench Kind of fucking Like Deep sea And I'm just gonna do Like an impersonation But this is what the sound is

it's like it's pain it's beyond that it's the like it's pre-verbal you're like oh they're gonna kiss they're having a moment of intimacy opens his mouth hawks a loogie down his throat Yeah, and calls his mother a fat cunt stuff so much a rotten vegetables in there and then tapes it

Yes, you look down and you're like, oh they're doing open-heart surgery No anesthesia. This is PBS. Yeah It's I I is amazing It's really an interesting thing that we all like it exists in the world with us it like parodies and fetishizes and inflates our own sexual desires yeah it's funny that like you know like on stage you play things big in porn i do think they play it big because watching if you watched people fuck the way people really fuck it's not that hot especially if it's not lit well yeah i was having sex with david the other day my partner

yeah wow i was having sex with david and i was and you're wearing a wig no but i was doing this a lot like hold on yeah you blow them but you you put your bangs yeah i was like you want me to talk so i took out my flipper do you like put your hair behind yours when you're going down on them yeah well i have a claw clip and i just clip it to the skin and when it starts bleeding you know you're done but there's a mirror in our bedroom and i caught a glimpse of myself and i don't like like i'm not one of those people who like when you're fucking and you're like staring at yourself in the mirror that's american psycho behavior but i was like oh this feels so hot and sexy

we don't we look not like porn we look like humans having sex yeah which isn't as theatrical no one's cheating out no one's like we're just kissing and inserting things yeah until we stop yeah it's not important it's not one hot pleasure yeah and in porn they have to work hard to make it read i think i just show the around the car. Yeah, yeah. It's a new day. How can you make the most of it with your membership rewards points? Earn points on everyday purchases. Use them for that long awaited vacation. You can earn points almost anywhere and they

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ever. Learn more at Coca-Cola.ca. So my brother was in, stayed over for three days. And so I didn't jerk off because I had no privacy. And we don't jerk off together. I know that's unusual for brothers, but. Right. But he's also a very like.

Well, he's not into girls. He's not into guys. He's. No, let's wait. He's like a very, not not devout but i say serious buddhist like a big time meditator and so like sounds uppity it's not it does sound uppity i made it sound uppity so actually a lot of people are buddhists he's like real it's actually down to earth because he's like he would never describe himself as like whatever i just said um but he sits for like hours in meditation and goes on retreats,

90 day silent retreats. Crazy shit. But so like hardcore Buddhist practitioners, they work to get rid of what? 90 days of silence. 30 days of night, 90 days of silence. Okay.

Actually, how many days would you last up that 90? If it's like, I did a weekend retreat for insight meditation. It's how many days would you last up that 90? If it's like, you really wanted to. I did a weekend retreat for insight meditation. It's just two days, eight hours of meditation altogether each day. When I tell you that I almost open fired, that almost got off of my cushion, went to the gun store and came back and killed everybody there.

And then myself, that's the level of tumultuousness in my brain when i was like it was hard yeah my version of like a silent retreat is um well they're sitting sitting in front of the tv with the office at full volume that's still silent to me drooling on yourself with like chips all around you but so anyways that but the point of so the like the one of the tenets of buddhism is like is suffering, and there's a way out of suffering. And suffering is caused by desire. So the monks that he goes and visits are celibate, and they don't jerk off. Are they just an external emission?

Perhaps. They have to be. So it's like, so what's the real truth? They don't jerk off. But who's verifying that? Well, exactly. The government? No, no.

They do the black light in the morning and then they get caned if they don't. No, they have the, they all have iPhones and they have the government officials who like were watching their iPhone cameras and tell on them. Yeah. They have all guys in robes. Like, no, they have penis cameras. They have penis cock rings with the cameras on them. Mary, what about the cock cage people? What it so what about it i know tell me all about it i'm gonna tell you about it so that is interesting because that's also that's actually related it's denial of

release in terms of building up desire is like a long form denial of release richards release rich i wouldn't be surprised if release Richards, release rich. I wouldn't be surprised if we never saw release Richards again, but it's like, it's saying you were like, it's control. It's like a psychological, like long form, like sex games.

I'm more of a short term sex game girl, but I think it's, it's the denial of the sex. It's the sex part. It's like the, so it looks like the, like, it's like,

are you going to come home after work tonight? Because, Oh, I can't touch it. It's the yearning. Yes yearning it's the pining it's the can't the withholding the control but also those can't be comfortable no it's the person for a run i'm supposed to with a cage on your fucking dick that's what i'm saying you have a the bird cage is on your fucking genitals the The tunnel under Ocean Boulevard, bitch. Did you know that there's a cock cage under Ocean Boulevard? Yeah. Did you know there's a cock cage under my Ocean Boulevard? So what if you have a cock cage on and then a butt plug in?

Mouth guard. You're ready for rugby. Yeah. Blackout contact lenses. Oh, my God. Microblading. And a ponytail glued to the top of your head. That's hell rays.

That's hell rays. Cenobites. That's what I'm saying these fuckers these fuckers are skating around centibites are walking among us okay it's a skate park you know skate parks like a swimming pool the centibite is in the middle and these people are circling they're circling the drain

they're circling because that centibite shit is all about like pain and pleasure absolutely like hedonism these whores are on the, if you're out there and you wear a cock cage, what I want to know is, do you tell people, do your friends know you're into that?

Is it all secret? So a friend of mine wore a cock cage for a time, an adult performer, went to the spa, went to the spa. I didn't particularly know this information because I do not fuck with this man in that way. And when we were all, nudity is required because it's the spa. He certainly did have a cock cage on.

And my other friend certainly did have implants in his genitals. And I was the only one who felt like Polly fucking Anna who didn't have like a fucking bone through my dick or like, you know what I mean? Or like a horse tail coming out of my ass. Like I was just like. I just don't know if I could take the constriction, but I guess that's what they want. Yeah. That's what it is.

That's what they want. Yeah. I would want like a, like a, something like a parakeet cage, something big. So I have movement. Oh my God. Like, um, like a giant with a bird in it. Oh, it's definitely a bird in it. You have to dress your dick up like a parrot.

There's 12 to 15 zebra finches. Pecking at your weenie. I want a bird to suck my cock. You have to put a seed in it. Oh my God. I'm going to go to the pet store and say, do you have any birds that suck cock? So how can I train my parakeet

to put seeds in my dick hole? No, wait, wait, wait. How do I get a canary to put millet in my ass? Do you have a garden snake that can eat me out okay enough enough enough no but the desire thing so we talked about this at length is like i was like are you kidding you can't jerk off i was like i couldn't believe it i was incredulous the monks and um they were like yeah but it's not that it's like it's not easy but the whole point is that the over the centuries of the traditions of buddhism they have learned that it's

better the says who compared to what they compared to always giving into desire the wheel of desire the suffering of desire being pulled into the wheel over and over and over restless never satisfied like getting off the wheel of suffering is the whole point of buddhism so like if you want to be enlightened or she's sober people love it love what so many people love buddhist shit don't they i don't know that they do i mean a lot of like a is very christian but it's a philosophy not a religion that's the thing i mean they have like religious you know the temples and traditions but like the philosophy you know god bitch it's just all about how to be happy wow like and not suffer 90 days

of silence i can't wrap my head around it 90 i can't run my head around it when i'm like overstimulated from work from drag you know doing improv whatever talking like we do is very draining yeah when i'm really depleted i need like a day of just not silence like i don't want to talk yeah yeah but i'm gonna shut down the podcast listen to music go swimming like i'm gonna do things that make noise are they allowed to watch tv no so noise. Are they allowed to watch TV? No. So not only do they have to be silent, they can't do anything with noise.

No, no, no. So they'll hear a talk. They'll hear a talk like by a teacher. Sometimes they get to ask a question one-on-one, but there's no conversation. And it's just. Oh, so it's not like they have to sit in silence. Oh, no, no, no.

I thought it was like no TV, no music, no nothing. Like earplugs, silence. Oh, no, no. It's not like sensory deprivation. Oh, okay. No, it was like no TV, no music, no nothing, like earplugs, silence. Oh no, no, it's not, it's not like sensory deprivation. Oh, okay.

No, but there's sitting meditation, walking meditation, there's chores, there's free time. There's a very like limited. Is there like a, is there like a Doritos meditation?

Can I do that? Or I get the party bag and I just goon. You just goon. Yeah, you stick, you put the, you open the bag,

put it on your dick and let the birds just. Yeah. Yeah. But they, one of the monaster open the bag, put it on your dick and let the birds just. Yeah. Yeah. But they, uh, one of the monasteries only have one meal a day. How about that?

One meal a day. That wouldn't work for me. Well, you're only sitting, you're not burning. Is it like pie may? Is it like fucking rice too? It's whatever.

Is it balanced? Is it turned? It's whatever. You have to beg for it. Yeah. You can't, um, the monks cannot prepare food for themselves or candle money.

So it's whatever the people in the village decide to give me it could be fucking spago uh chipotle or fucking gruel from the goulash lady it's fierce i don't think buddhism would be for me but you look you're getting there i know i look like that i love the look though bald with orange robes i see him at the airport sometimes. Fierce. Fierce. Hot.

Can I just ask a question about Amish people? Amish people? Yeah. I see him at the airport. I am an expert. I see him at the airport. Are they hypocrites? Not that, but like if you can't drive a car.

How'd you get here? Why can you fly a Boeing 77? 707. They're pilots? No, I don't think they're pilots, but they. Imagine. The Amish. Are they allowed to fly on planes? Well, they're pilots no I don't think they're pilots but they imagine the Amish are they allowed

to fly on planes well they're not flying they're just passengers they're running under the plane they're hanging from a wooden little boat

that's being towed by the plane they're passengers they're passengers can they ride in a car then I believe I don't know in Wisconsin

we have Amish people and I always see them they usually use the road but they ride down the side of the shoulder of the freeway. Not the freeway. The shoulder of a highway in a wagon. Wagon, yeah. So I always thought, oh, they don't have phones. They don't have.

I actually am just earnestly very ignorant to that. Where are the lines there? I wish there was a way we could check, but we can't. So I guess we'll just have to stay ignorant. Because I've also heard that, because in LA there's Orthodox Jewish people. On Saturday. Right? And I've heard on the weekends in this right no electricity they walk around and i

always see families walking because they can't do a lot of stuff they choose not to they can't touch it well can they use alexa well is it just about touching where's the line where's the line can they use a crimper because they're wearing wigs i mean can they crimp their own hair? Can you pull off that clit and crimp it? Oh my God. A bull can technically fly on a commercial airline. Can't. Says who? No, no, no.

No, they chew. Their philosophy dictates that. No, it feels like they were like, we don't care about cars. And then years later, they're like, fuck boats. And then planes came out and the Amish were like. Okay, now. We can fly we gotta fly right disneyland all right like boats blimps yes and boeings yeah i'm so ignorant

so many religions so that many of these things i learn about them are one tiny piece of a massive puzzle and it leaves you very, very, very curious. Well, I'll, I'll sum it up for you real easy. The Christian or Catholics, fierce art collectors, the fiercest art collectors and the worst pedophiles.

Then you got your Muslims. They are, I don't know anything about Muslims. And then there's, and then who else? um judaism lovely lovely gal love to go shopping um they get a little crazy with the with the wolves in the summer but um by and large keep to themselves the fabric shit is is hard to understand the costumes mama it's pageantry it's pageantry orange robes cheese wheel hats uh white can i say like i just feel like life is so short and

i really don't get down with anything that restricts the way you dress it's let me live well it's it's about like defining parameter defining communities and you know what i mean it's like black belts and karate signifiers it's like i was thinking about drag the other day for this reason i was like people have such an issue with like a man in a dress. Mama. But every piece of clothing is still fabric. What you're mad about is. That's what I'm saying.

The Pope is. RuPaul could never. The Pope's garment maker is a faggot. An Italian fag. Who gets fisted. Yeah. Pamela Rowland. No, this is true. Oh. He's a fierce fisting faggot. Vince Camuto. is pamela roland no this is true oh he's a fierce

fisting he's hot how do you know instagram bitch i swear to god i'll show it to you he makes the pope's vestments and they're absolutely stunning they're gorgeous they're breathtaking but they're gay as hell and he's gay but if i was the pope i would want to be able to wear like a J crew t-shirt. Like why does the robe make me religious to you? Because it's a huge responsibility. You're a figurehead. You know,

they have their, the Pope's outfits are so fierce. The Prada. That's right up there with people being like 35 is a young presidential candidate. Why? I don't know. Compared to what? 80 year olds. Yes. That's young. candidate. Why? I don't know. Compared to what? 80-year-olds?

Yes, that's young. Yeah. Michelle Wolf was making a joke about presidents like, you have to be ugly. Every president's ugly. We have one hot president and he was shot in the face. Ooh, JFK. JFK. Poor thing.

Ooh, the rain all the way. Do you know about Jackie O on Twitter On the internet Eden your friend Told me that on the internet There's large groups of people who are convinced That Jackie Jackie Onassis is a

Troll They say that like she's incredibly ugly No no no so like She's clapped but she can wear an outfit. There's like the bitch, like these are like young people going back and discovering.

She was clapped, but she could rock that outfit. But also like clapped. To feel better about yourself, you said, you know what? That bitch from 50 years ago who's dead.

Yeah. She was ugly. She was toe up, but that pillbox ate. By the way, she wasn't a model. To feel better about yourself, you said, you know what? That bitch from 50 years ago who's dead. Yeah. She was ugly. She was toe up, but that pillbox ate. By the way, she wasn't a model. She never claimed to be gorgeous. No. Why pick her? The poor woman who had her husband's brains in her on a convertible.

Like, yeah. In front of the world. The world, Mary. Oh, God. There ain't no other way. I don't like that. How would you like to be assassinated if you had to be? Say you're the president.

Something really stylish. Have you ever seen American Horror Story, Coven? Yes. Do you remember when- Balenciaga? No. Do you remember when Leslie Jordan and that woman who plays- The two people who are the witch's counsel.

Frances McConroy comes to them fiercely with a paralysis they're like eating lunch and suddenly like and they're like frozen and she like scoops out their eyeballs and shit

that's what I want to happen to me scooped out the eyeballs I wrote down some other things I have to tell you okay oh yeah so hey listen

um so the people so our people on our team managers and such have been throwing around this tour word the t-word which I call the T word. I really resent that.

It's not a tour. The agents. Michael Grinspan from UTA, United Talent Agency. Michael Jonathan Joseph Grinspan III. Lovely physique. 1317 Fillmore Avenue. Lovely physique. Jewish.

Gay. Love everything about him. Yes. Lovely physique. Jewish. Gay. Love everything about him. Great at his job. But when he rolls out that T word on a phone call, the tour, I go. T-O-U-R. It's like he's taking a little envelope and slicing me between the fingers. And then he's leaving the room and getting bleach and salt, like the Terrifier 2, and he's pouring it on the wound.

We are going on the road to do Ball in the Beautiful. We're doing Weekend Warriors warriors what we call it in our industry you fly it on a friday yeah you go to your show on saturday you go home sunday a lovely duet it's a it's a one two it's a a double it's like a um a his and hers it's like a bing bang but that's it yeah they're duets i don't want to say never because goonies never say die but like the other day i was on the phone with our managers and I said, I don't think you all hear me. Yeah. I will never tour like I did last year ever again.

I said the next time I go on tour, it will literally be the 20 dates tops. And I will be it will be the funeral tour and you will be airing my casket. A hundred percent. Yeah. Open. I can't do that again. No, I fell apart last year. Oh, my God.

Just like contact with family, friends. Like I was delinquent on every type of tax paperwork, like things you need to be home to open mail, shit like that. Me getting checks that are expired that I have to cash and like shit like that, which is like never home. Can't do that anymore. But if you want to see us, come see us because who knows we could just stop. Oh no.

So anyway, this is like a one two it's gonna be like refreshing delightful spritzes splashes and horny very horny very very horny very hot and very steamy but it's not going to be a marathon of like um it's not a marathon um sprinkler system it's just a splash and you know last year we we toured a stage spectacular. And this year I want to set the expectation that these dates are us seated in chairs talking. Mama, we're rolling up dry and making you wet. Yeah.

You know, putting on wigs kind of. Yeah. And sitting and talking and then leaving. And that's, there's no meet and greet. There's no lip syncing. No,

it's actually not worth it. No, no, no, no, no, no. If people love the truth and we're going to give them the truth.

Yeah. We're going to sit down and probably serve hunty all the tea that the diva wants to do with her boots and do it fiercely i know that for me i'm going to be in the style of pink the singer launching myself on a rubber band back and forth while the song so what plays so you're gonna be like anyway la traffic and i'm gonna be like first night your fucking shoe hits me in the face then go unconscious in this we got a hit i'm addicted to these videos of her she is like she's on the end of a piece of chewing gum and some faggot it's just it's so funny it's like um you know i understand of course like pushing the boundaries of spectacle and like how you know i understand of course like pushing the boundaries

of spectacle and like how could you make this exciting and like i just understand like art in a theatrical environment is a very you make very different choices and stuff this is like how can we take it's like every element of live it's a little bit like saw i'm like is she okay it's like what who who is she trying who's she proved, who is she trying to prove into whom in high school? Do you know what I mean? And just like that, Pink died. You know? Yeah, who is she proving this to?

It seems like I have a really... I think she has an amazing voice. She does have talent. But the way that she's displayed the execution feels... Comedic. It feels comedic. Comedically try hard. It feels like Valerie Cherishes would do this.

Yeah. She's like, okay, I'm going to sing. I wish Lana would do this. Are you kidding? Lana is the antidote. Lana is the antidote. I wish Lana would do this. She was starting to blue jeans, white shirt, shouted up a cannon.

To New York. Honey. LA to New York. And she lands on one of those Velcro walls. Did you know there's a bungee cord that goes to New York? Did you know there's a bungee cord to Dumbo? I mean, like, summertime. Woo!

Like, I mean, it would just be. No, Lana is pink. Pink's antidote. You're at a pink concert. Too much stimulation. Too much activity, too much risk of death. I keep seeing her doing that during this song. Which is a very, almost the Wiggles style song. Yeah, I hate all her music.

It's a baby shark. Yeah, it's like, it's Muzak. It's Muzak. It's not my favorite Pink song. It's Muzak. Do you have a favorite Pink song? I don't, because I loathe her music. But that's a harsh word.

I love Don't Let Me Get Me. She's not for me. Don't let me get me. I love Family Portrait. That song, Try. On season seven, one of the lip syncs we didn't use was Try. Is that, what is that? Gotta get up and try, try, try.

Try what? Try getting shot out of a cannon? No, I don't know. I don't know. Also, I don't like it when people sing songs explicitly about sobriety. Girl, just like use a metaphor. It's not about that. I think it's about, um, why do I feel so sober?

Like she literally says like that. No, I think she's singing about like in relationships. I used to smoke crack and now I don't. Like she, that's her level. I think she was originally Christian music too, wasn't she? Most girls want a man with the bling bling. I just want a man with a ding ding. I just want real love.

You don't remember that at all. Oh yeah. She came out hard as Blue Cantrell, as Anastasia. Literally like that vibe and then completely rebranded. Strange. I was in high school. vibe and then completely rebranded. Strange. I was in high school.

I just spit phlegm onto your carpet. I'm okay because I kind of get it. I kind of know what's going on there. Wait, wait. We got to go back to Pink because I saw a clip of her. You know about this phenomenon of... I just like... I don't like all over the microphone i don't like

when drag queens at shows put the mic in their mouth to like do sex to do like oral sex jokes i don't like that at all elvis did it once that's all we needed um when we talk about miss pink we have to talk about the phenomenon of people right now everyone's like stop giving stop throwing stuff at artists stop giving artists weird things i I'm like, welcome to the fold. Because the shit that people say to us, do to us, throw at us. Last night I was DJing and someone threw a doll head at me. The head of a doll. Like that's not a threat.

That's even, that's tame. I would say like a dead dog's head would be like. We're at meet and greet and someone brings you a. Newborn baby. Preserved dead cat. A baby gives birth at the meet and greet and shoves the. And gives you the baby. Congratulations. You're a mother now. We get all these little popcorn.

I mean, granted, poor, I think Bebe Rexha should get hit in the face with an iPhone. I hate that. Horrible. The stage is a sacred kind of like safe space for the artists and their entourage. You are allowed to watch. The stage is a sacred kind of like safe space for the artists and their entourage, their band. You are allowed to watch. You have to purchase the ability to be a spectator. You're not involved. But that's where your participation ends.

You're not involved. The guy who threw the phone at Bebe Rexha said in an interview, he did it because I thought it would be funny. Which I love that he didn't try to like, it slipped out of my hand. Oh, wait. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It slipped. If it's a guy in the front of a didn't try to like, it slipped out of my hand. Cause you know, some, it slipped. If it's a guy in the front of a B-Rexit concert, it's a faggot. Yeah. And I expected that faggot to be like, I was just trying to get her to like, get me her Snapchat.

He was like, I thought it'd be funny. At least he's being honest. By the way, there was no world where that was going to be funny. And also what's the end game there? You lost your phone, dickhead. Yeah. You know, maybe he thought she'd be like, oh you, and like throw her phone at him. gonna be funny and also what's the end game there you lost your phone dickhead yeah you know maybe he thought she'd be like oh you and like throw her phone at him and then get on the phone and

call like call his mom and then have a huge i don't know it's i don't know i also don't like the name pink somebody gave pink there was a clip of her where she's like are these your mom's ashes someone threw her their mom's ashes at pink on the stage like in a bra you know how they just throw bras and panties on stage? They wrapped it in the bra. It was lined with the ashes of their dead mom. Yeah. It was an urn of ashes.

Imagine if you were knocked unconscious by somebody throwing an urn of their mother's ashes. Girl, I'm going to empty out one of my marijuana ashtrays into a pair of whitey tighties and shoot it up A t-shirt gun Right in the face Of someone

Na na na na na na Na na na na na na We're all going to start a fight And then launches And flips So this is like Cirque du Soleil Doesn't even do this

Because she performs in stadiums Cirque is in a tent In the round right They do bungee stuff All kinds of trapeze Whatever She is on These fucking rigs That are rotating and flipping,

going from like football field distances. Why? Why is that? How much does it cost a night at bed? Okay, when we were on tour, your lift, which was straight up and down once, it cost about $2,500 per show for us to do that. I remember because I was like, is it worth it? So this is a stupid gag

that's going to be very expensive. Also, a dedicated person traveling with us, that's his main responsibility. He did many other things, but like, you know.

You're paying someone's, not just their salary, but their living costs for them to fly up. So that's just doing this. Of course, he was bored because he wants to do

what Pink is doing. That's him jumping around backstage Yeah yeah yeah and jerking off But for that fly situation That must be multiple people Multiple safety checks It's also like it's all automated mechanical computer You know what I mean

Girl we were like pulleys in the tugboat system Like sandbags And like rick rack Well I remember they had to offset your weight And I remember them wheeling an F-150 Into the venue every night sandbags and like rick rack and yeah you know like well i remember they had to offset your weight and i remember them wheeling an f-150 into the venue every night all those um those trucks that were on um uh cedar blocks they had to stack them i remember everyone who was on the tour had like a giant giant rope and we were all like and we're all breaking blood vessels in our eyes so you could get this far off the ground girl yes elephants oh no the whole team is on like pelotons hooked up to a rope just trying

to get you this far off the floor and it was such a miracle that you got this far off the floor people were crying and then and then half of the toy is like you got to stop eating dinner you know what it reminded me of the end of the whale when brendan frazier dies he levitates off the ground oh my god that's the ultimate dream of fat people of course have you still not seen the whale i i can't there's nothing funny about harm there's nothing funny about him enough self-harm there's something funny about fatness right no but there's something really funny about the way that movie presents it because at the end he walks to his daughter his daughter's like whatever you're not a good dad to me anyway faggot right like and sadie's thing yes if we say he's like whatever yeah my dad's a faggot and the whole movie he's

like just if you're gonna please write i want you to write something because his his he wants to read his daughter's writing yeah yeah yeah blah, yeah. Blah, blah, blah. Gay people can be so boring. Blah, blah, blah. Any other gay guy, if you were on Death's Door, you'd be like, we're going to Fire Island, bitch. Yeah, you're going to squirt G up my asshole with your mouth, bitch. 100%. Yeah. Sky vodka, tampon, up the ass, golden girls. If you can find it.

I'm sorry, I'm so fat. The whale. Yeah. Crazy. He, at the end, is like, she's reading her letter to him or whatever. And he like stands up and it's miraculous that he can stand. Cause then death's door, he's walking her and then he gets to her and he dies.

And they signify that by a light shining and his legs coming off the ground. That's the end of the movie. Darren Aronofsky. I have your address and I will be paying you a visit, but then I will be slapping you. But then he got an Oscar for what? Oh, Brendanpping you. But then he got an Oscar. For what? Oh, Brendan Fraser? Yes.

That whole farce? That's a whole farce. That's a whole farce. It's a Hollywood, classic Hollywood farce. I would more believe it if they said, you know what?

Let's cut the shit. The whale wasn't that great. Cut the shit. But we should have given you something for the mummy. No. So let's roll out the mummy. What they should have did

was like this whale flop, we're going to forget about it except Miss Hong Chow because she eats in every role every role we're gonna we're gonna give her a nice little round of applause

and forget the whale ever happened yeah yeah Moby Dick Hong Chow eats eats eat a hot dog eating contest

she would there's no there's like uncontested champion do you think she's fun I think she's fun I bet she's wonderful she can't not be something about her makes me fantasize about being you think she's fun? I think she's fun. I bet she's wonderful. She can't not be.

Something about her makes me fantasize about being her friend. She can't not be. If she, yeah, she's just so good in everything. Everything. Hong Chao. Hong Chao. So I wanted to sing a song. Okay.

Okay. I think I'm in love like Beyonce be with Jigga. Hold on. I love the way his with Jigga. Hold on. I love the way his magic stick makes my pussy quiver. Juices running like a river slowly down my kitty litter. Ooh, that magic stick. It tastes like candy. It melts in my mouth.

Is it the Beatles? Yeah. it's actually what's her name Aretha Franklin never heard that song The Meltdown by Missy Elliott Mary

Speaking of The Meltdown it's so what we had an event at Trixie Motel the other day and it was hottest day

hottest 4th of July on American record I don't know if you saw that no it was this year was the hottest 4th of July in America record I don't know if you saw that No It was This year was the hottest 4th of July in America Ever

On record Okay I guess Palm Springs Palm Springs It was so hot It was assaulting No I wasn't in drag

I was like Hanging out Serving drinks Whatever So hot It was so hot And then I'm putting on Sunblock

Sunblock Sunblock But it's so hot That the sweat Is making the sunblock Go in my eyes Burning eyes I kept having to go To theblock go in my eyes. Burning eyes. I kept having to go to the bathroom

and wash my eyes like a washing station in chemistry. Now, who is doing all that? Why? Don't you stay indoors during the... Well, it's a pool party, right? So you jump in the pool. It's instantly refreshing.

If you have a leg in the pool and a drink, you're good. But I didn't want to swim with the guests because it felt unprofessional. It does. but there was a drag show and so there's also drag queens in like 100 degree heat and at the end no matter what their number is

they all jump in the pool because they're like it launched into the pool when I did hot yoga in Boston it was like say 100 people in a class like literally sardines, mat to mat to mat. You're sweating on everybody.

The room starts out 90. It gets to, with the body heat, everything, over 100. 90-minute vinyasa class. By the time you get to backbending at the end, you are... I have switched bath towels. Switched. Yep. Yep.

I've switched the towel because the first one could be wrung out and could feed a whole family of four. A thirsty family. And then it's so... I would fantasize about... I would sell all my organs to jump

in a pool right now. It was the most horrible feeling. Did I tell you about Kim Petras' album party yeah it's like that on this pod it was in a bickram yoga studio i dj kim's kim petras's like album release party for release the beast in new york the night after solid pink disco in a bickram yoga studio it was a warehouse 6 000 people probably i walked out there and i went oh no this could be a problem by the end of my set which was 90 minutes this thing about djing if you're hot you're out there for hours yeah the ends of my synthetic wig were dripping i kept slipping on the floor going did i spill the water all sweat sweat under me on the

ground yeah but i was also feeling it and i can't stop moving djing no matter how hot it is so i'm thrashing my wig is spitting spit like wet sweat every it was so sick and when i got in the kyle my ex-boyfriend who works at alcone in new york he's a makeup artist he saw me after the show and his face he was like horrified did you ever try that stop the sweat product i sent you and i said oh i would have slapped him in the face right there i would stop the sweat product I sent you. And I said, Oh, I would have slapped him in the face right there. I would stop the sweat. Have you ever read the Holy Bible? I know. I felt like that is so moot.

Like what are you talking about? Insulting. Stop the sweat. Have you ever tried staring into the sun? It did make me think that I want to get Botox again because it does help with sweating. Not for me. Literally nothing. Like I've had Botox everywhere,

but they always say like, Oh, I know why. I know why. I know why. Sorry for the sweating. It's a deeper injection. Oh really? Yes.

So, or it's either more superficial or deeper injection because when you're going in the sweat glands, it's different than the muscle. Okay. So when you're paralyzing the muscle, it's maybe it's deeper than a superficial sweat gland. That makes sense. Yeah.

That makes Laurie Ottinger explain that to me. Well, people have told me like, Oh, be careful though, because the sweat happens somewhere else. So does everyone have like a dry face in a fucking swamp pussy? I would love that. Cause I just dipe it up. Dipe up.

Cath up. Dipe, diped and cathed at the gig dry. Do you like jackass movies? I, I don't know. I think I've only seen the first one. I remember this one where they had the big gentleman of the Jackass crew. I forget his name. They had him on a treadmill for like a long time and they had a saran wrap diaper on him.

And they had it hooked up to a hose so that the water could drip and they filled a cup with sweat and someone drank it. Like the sweat off his balls. Someone drank it and threw up. Steve-O drank it. How about her that's yoga class yeah that's yoga class when you do when you're doing the the um dragon uh downward dog and the sweat is not dripping streaming like a river runs through it into your nose up into your nose and you're like work that magic stick yeah it's horrible you know what

else happened and i want to talk about this in a way that's hopefully revealing but not too exposing one of our colleagues called me the other day and had a contract from a certain touring company and was telling me some of the details on it like what do you think of this is this okay is this okay is this okay it was so deeply below what's okay yeah that i had to be like you it's just crazy how many people are in our industry of drag who just profit off us and they just don't care i will never forget when i changed man like agents and i became aware of how certain of how low my negotiated fee was in the tour i was finishing you know what i mean i like so let's just say um i usually make five dollars a gig uh-huh and then i switched managers we weren't gonna say our real salaries shut up and then my new manager says oh you have five

dollars a gig i actually could get you 500 yeah and i'm like okay i'll just go to my five dollar gig tonight knowing that i could have gotten 500 and there's nothing i can do about it when i went when i moved to our management i remember a distinct conversation because i was in the middle of a tour yeah and i remember them looking at my contract and going so don't want to discourage you but you're getting about with the usual attack what you should have get it should be getting yeah and you have to finish all those dates because you did sign it it's i wish there was like a union or something because drag queens are not smart usually they're not business savvy no and these fucking these faggots with checkbooks walk around being like just sign it and then you sign shit

that you shouldn't be signing i've done. And then these creature features are making major profits on our industry. I just want every manager, agent, everyone, every TV drag is its own world. Drag is dangerous. Unless you have a wig on your head, you are a guest in our house,

bitch. And there is sweat on the floor that you will slip on. You'll break your hip and I will not take you to the emergency room. I will make you my sex slave downstairs and go. What's that? Mandalorian the barbarian yes the mandala barian the mandala barian No, it's crazy that I mean it's shocking but I get it because it was happened to me I know and you just don't know any better because there's no like I wish everyone would call me because I don't know everything But you know a lot

I feel like the only way for me to avenge certain mistakes I've made in the past with how little is getting paid is to make sure it doesn't happen to someone else that's Batman

you think that's Superman right that's crime fighting if you were a superhero drag is dangerous if you were a superhero what would your like childhood traumatic event

be that would it be that colonial woman pissed on pissed on in the in the schoolyard by everybody. Everybody pissed on me, including the teachers. Including the teachers.

I was fishing for something real. Work that magic stick. Like, imagine it. Work this pussy. Work this pussy. She's an international sensation. Did you like getting peed on? I got peed on yesterday.

You did? Okay. Yeah, but it wasn't gross. I think I'm about to do that. Mama, it was in the shower. I think I'm about to do it. Yeah, it was like he, I was like, you gotta go pee. I was like, so do I.

I was like, you know what? You're not gonna pee on me. And he, well, he peed and I got in the middle of it. I got in, I like got in the middle of the road. It seems like he was just trying to pee. Yeah, he was. And you were trying to make it about you. And I did.

By the way, the story is he was in the bathroom with the door locked, peeing in the toilet. I came through the ceiling. And you lowered it through the suspended ceiling. Mission impossible. Yes. Mouth open. You launched into it. So what?

I feel a rock star. I'm a piss queen and I'm a drinker. Yes. That's how pink started. What if it was pink? Pink, yellow. I'd be yellow. My stage that's how pink started. What if it was pink? Yellow. I'd be yellow.

My stage name would just be yellow. Fuck. Yeah, I think I want pee on me. I think I want to pee on others. It's fabulous, but you have to drink the water. You don't want no yellow. You don't want golden shower.

You want that clear. Clear, no fear. No, I want it to be like smart water when it comes out. You want dehydrated orange? High electrolytes. Just a couple of drops that dissolve and expand. Smart water. Oh. You want dehydrated orange? High electrolytes. Just a couple of drops that dissolve and expand?

No, smart water. Oh. You're thinking of like flavor. I'm thinking like bottle cliff water. Smart water with electrolytes. Oh, smart water. I'm thinking like vitamin water. Mary. I was thinking purple. You want purple piss? I'm gonna piss dragonberry. Yeah. That could be fierce. The orange one is good.

I mean, they're all good, but not out of the dick hole. When I'm hungover, orange Gatorade. It hits different. Something about orange Gator fierce. The orange one is good. I mean, they're all good, but not out of the dick hole. When I'm hungover, orange Gatorade. It hits different. Something about orange Gatorade. The citrusy one. Nectar of the gods. The only thing Florida ever produced of value. Orange.

Now that we talked about pissing purple out of the dick hole. If I pee or get peed on, I'm going to tell you about it. Oh, I hope you do. But I need you to do it not on the rug. I'm going to do it outside. Because I don't want to do it in the dick hole. If I pee or get peed on, I'm going to tell you about it. Oh, I hope you do. But I need you to do it like not on the rug. Because I don't want to do it in the hot tub. I don't want to do it

in the shower. I want it to trickle down my body and hit the ground, bitch. I don't want to do the fucking... You want to trickle down economics outside with the pee? Yes, start on the face, run down the body, everywhere.

Oh my God. I've been pissed on in the face and in the mouth. Yeah, I want wanna do all that But I don't wanna be like Anyway Then we just rinse down The bathtub

Because we're cool Like do you wanna be like We had to change the bassinet Move the baby I wanna do the CBS In Hollywood Honey Well that

I have fantasies About peeing the bed Like letting it rip There is part of your brain That's like What if I just Because it's a bad Like this would be so bad

And terrible And would involve Guilty cleanup How do you get pissed out of a casper mattress you don't that's the whole point that's the problem the p's in there forever mama that's p i would like to take back something that i said on this podcast i talked about douching and i said who's douching longer than five minutes yeah and the internet came at you and with good reason yeah i think that i underestimated how long everybody's body's different i think i also take longer than five minutes but i mentally thought it was shorter sure because you're probably more efficient at it you're not in there laboring for hours

multitasking yeah you're on the phone yeah turbo tax turbo tax with that enema ball but my ass let me crunch those numbers, baby. Hold on. Bye. Bye. Kind of fart noise at the end of the pod, you fucking ball bitch. You did it the most juvenile way to like...

I hate that. I hate that. Blowing ass. Blowing ass. Blowing ass. Blowing ass. Blowing ass is the funniest Blowing ass Blowing ass Is the funniest thing In the fucking world I'm on Ozempic

Blowing ass She was out there On Hollywood Boulevard Blowing ass In the lobby Of the Directors Guild Building Blowing ass

Blowing ass Fuck At the At the Oscars red carpet Blowing ass At the Men in Music Business Conference Blowing ass

In the bridge Under Motion Boulevard What if pink blows ass up on that na na na na and the shit just spirals and the audience blows they're gonna start a fight

we're all gonna start a fight but you know what though the pink audience is like you know geriatric millennials they're not giving notice they're just happy to be involved they're just happy to be out

yeah for a night they're you know they're a joke deep on carl rossi carl rossi oh yeah carl rossi sangria yeahossi oh yeah carl rossi sangria yeah yeah they got a rock star they have to sit her till 11 they're like shit on me she is

jimmy buffett of female singers anyways love her good job okay bye Bye.