The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - Inside Katya with Katya

Episode Date: June 15, 2021

Have you ever wondered what it's like within the nicotine-stained confines of Katya's grey matter? Well, you're about to find out. From a treatise on capitalistic hypocrisy to a deconstruction of Kate Winslet's Delco accent in Mare of Easttown to a comedy countdown of funny things that made Katya momentarily forget about her slow, unending march towards the darkness that will eventually consume us all, this episode has everything you could possibly need. Not to mention the first-ever edition of Porno Picnic! To wrap everything up, Katya tears open the Bald and the Beautiful mailbag and answers all of our listeners' burning questions. Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To listen to our podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com/ If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be helpful! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hi, guys, it's Katya. We really hope you enjoyed our video versions of the podcast so far. But please don't fret. They will return on a regular basis. This week, we figured we'd give you a boner break, but they will be back. Rest assured. And in the meantime, enjoy and have a lovely day. cryptocurrency on Kraken? Well, let's say I'm at a food truck I've never tried before. Am I going to go all in on the loaded taco? No, sir. I'm keeping it simple. Starting small. That's trading on Kraken. Pick from over 190 assets and start with the 10 bucks in your pocket. Easy. Go to kraken.com

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Savings may vary. Eligibility and member terms apply. Testing, testing, testing. And welcome back to another episode of the Bald and the Beautiful podcast with Trixie Mattel and Katia Zamo. Now, unfortunately, we're going to do things a little bit different, or fortunately, depending on your point of view. Today's episode is just me, and only me. And I know what you're thinking, no, but yes, oh yes, it's happening. This is a time of year that is particularly challenging for many drag performers. It is gay pride season.

And Trixie is saddled with so many gigs and opportunities. She is so booked, so blessed that she simply could not join me today. And, you know, podcast companies are knocking at the door saying, where's the Epps? And we have to deliver. So I'm attempting a solo venture today because I just couldn't be bothered to do this on Zoom with somebody else. And I also don't own enough microphones. So I've got my little microphone. I've got my cigarette burning. I'm on a coffee table with no pants and I'm ready to talk about my life. I actually have prepared an outline. So for those of you who are thinking, well, she's going to ramble. I don't want to drown. I actually have some topics. I

will have several in fact, and I've created lists. Um, so we're gonna have a great time. We're gonna have a really wonderful time. Um, so yes, that's it. That this is the podcast. It's episode 58 coming out of shoot 36 and let's do it. Of course, this episode is brought to you by the myriad of ads that are featured in this podcast, but it's also brought to you by a concept and that concept is workaholism, right? My co-host works so much that she is continuously and constantly stretched to the limits of human ability, of mental acuity, and she is just, she's an inspiration. Not to me, but I'm sure to many people out there who are struggling with motivation,

getting up in the morning and going, you know, the grind, as they say, the hustle. Trixie stays hustling. Her grind is continuous. Her game is nonstop. And I, on the other hand, I take a different approach. I like to stop and smell the roses. And sometimes I'll lay down by the roses and I won't get up. And I'll build a little shack by the roses and I won't go to work. And you get the idea. So tomato, tomato, apples and oranges and different strokes for different folks. So the first segment, I've created a whole podcast here just for this episode that I will abandon as we go back to regular programming. But I have created a few different segments.

And the first one is, wow, you're gay. Gay pride. Gay pride. It's June, which means that's gay pride month. Usually different cities hold their celebrations on different weekends throughout the summer. But June is kind of the official kickoff of Gay Pride. And so what does that mean to be proud? Well, just judging from the different posts on social media, I would say that being out proud and gay means having a sandwich or owning a credit card or having a burrito or something. It is wild. Now, and I'm not, this is not a dig. I am literally, I have done the research. I am literally the only drag queen who is not endorsed by a major brand like McDonald's, Chipotle, American Express,

Lockheed Martin, Boeing. It is wild. Every drag queen has a sandwich, a salad, you know, a three-wheel bicycle. It's just, it is incredible. I'm not, it's not a dig. I get the bag, sis, secure the bag, get paid, cash those checks, you know, all that, all the bag. Get paid. Cash those checks. You know, all that, all the above. I absolutely, I love it when, you know, queer people and drags are getting a lot of money, a lot of paper, a lot of cheddar cheese. I like that.

I think it's great. However, it's a strange thing because like, you know, watching gay pride parades, for example, this is going back maybe, I mean, it's got to be at least 10 years ago. It's the Bank of America pride float. You know, it's all corporate interests who are trying to kind of like cash in on their inclusivity, not for gay people, but just for capitalism. And, you know, I suppose you could say, well, honey, but what about all the 14,000 ads on your podcast? Aren't you a hypocrite? And I would have to say, yeah, yeah.

But guess what? I contain multitudes. And it's tricky trying to be a conscious, ethical person in this landscape. So I kind of, I detest capitalism, but at the same time, I want to be rich. So, you know, do with that what you will. So happy gay pride. Get the that first sale to opening a second store, as a business owner, you've hustled to accomplish a lot,

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at CIBC.com slash Aventura Business. Terms and conditions apply. Transform and roll out. From the director of Toy Story 4. Buckle up. This Friday, witness the origin of the Transformers. This is going to change everything. Awesome!

Transformers 1, only in theaters this Friday. We did PG. And we're back. So, you know what? Actually, I think I'm a little bit jealous. I think that's the thing. I have been wanting to do a Dawn dishwashing liquid commercial forever. I have wanted to be the spokesperson for Dawn so badly because this is a product that,

you know, it's a relatively simple, very cheap liquid, widely available. You can get it anywhere, probably the gas station even. And I use it to wash my face, probably to my detriment, but I don't care. And I use it to wash the dishes. And I use it to wash the baby ducks in the pond when there's an oil slick. It's the most versatile, wonderful, great product. I stand by it, you know, time tested and they're just not interested. They're just not interested. And I think, you know, they don't really need my help. And honestly, I don't need their help

either, but I'm still available. I'm very willing. And I, you know, that would be an opportunity for me to really sell out and go big. You know, I probably wouldn't take a deal if it was less than like, you know, $50,000, but you know, I'm just putting it out there, just putting it out there, just putting it out there. It's a new dawn. I'm a new gay. Let's make a deal. Okay. So yeah. Happy gay pride. If you have not come out yet, you know, don't worry about it. If you came out and then there was not a, you know, if you came out to not great fanfare, if you were met out of the closet with, you know, derisive looks and, you know, whispered whatever's, then maybe go back in the closet. Just kidding. Just kidding. Just kidding. So we are coming out of lockdown, but I'm sort of clinging to,

I'm sort of, I'm having a hard time with the transition because I actually like being at home and being at home, like I'm in Mary V's town. I like being at home and which means I really have been enjoying watching lots of stuff. So over the past year, I would say I've watched a lot of stuff. I've also listened to a lot of stuff. And so I came up with a very crude and quick comedy countdown, things that I have found funny over the last whatever, however many weeks or months or whatever. And now I'm going to present them to you.

Okay, here we go. Comedy countdown number one. The Pennsylvania accents on Mayor of Easttown. So Mayor of Easttown, HBO Max, incredible series. It just ended a little while ago. Kate Winslet is a small know, who has a whole, I mean, probably like a full set of emotional and, you know, baggage. She's got baggage, like multiple bags. Like you need to go to the luggage cart, maybe get two carts for all her baggage. And she's got a, um, you know, she hasn't died to her in about seven months. She's got a ponytail. She looks a little frumpy and, um, but she is on a mission. She's got instincts.

She's got drive. She's motivated to solve crimes. So this show, I watched the first episode, and I was like, ugh, so grim, so like, I mean, just the opposite of what I was in the mood for at the time, which was splash, color, you know, vibrant, just, this was just so, I mean, small town, okey pokey hokey, frumpy dumpy lumpy, you know, backwoods. It was just so grim. And then there was a twist at the end of the first episode, and then I was immediately hooked. And then I watched, I counted the days until every episode. I gobbled it all up, all the twists, all of the turns,

all of the characters and their insane regional accents. Can I have a glass of water? Can I have a glass of water? No, I have to go home first. It's like, I don't know. I've never heard that accent in real life. I know that people do say, like, I have to go do the wash. You have to wash.

Do you wash it in plain water? It's crazy. But so is the Boston accent, which I guess this is probably kind of like the same degree of weirdness. In Boston, people don't do ours, which people know, but it's true. Like they'll say, hoss, horse. The word is horse, right? The word is, that is a horse. The word is horse, right? The word is that is a horse. She rides a horse. Okay. Like, but my mom and other people around like Boston, Danvis, you know, Medford, but they would say George rides a horse. George rides a horse. George rides a horse. It's fucking crazy. It's so, yeah, there's that. So the, the come for the accents and stay for the, it's so yeah there's that so the the come for the accents and stay for the oh the show was so I loved it so much I'm not gonna say it was good because I don't know that it was it's a great show um there is a scene uh in maybe the latter half of the season where it is just directly lifted

from Silence of the Lambs like literally just snatched from Silence of the Lambs, like literally just snatched from Silence of the Lambs. Kind of flagrantly, you know, I think it kind of stretches the limits of homage at this point. It's kind of just like stealing, but whatever. I'm still here for it. So Mare of Easttown, long story short, I love it. Perhaps a great series. Kate Winslet is superb.

And it also features the incredible talents of an older actress whom you may not be familiar with, Jean fucking Smart. Jean Smart should change her name to Genius Smart because that's what she is. She's a genius. And she is the star of our next comedy countdown show, Hacks, also on HBO Max. It is a crime that I'm not currently doing

promotional work for HBO Max, but it's fine. They haven't asked. I haven't, I have not been approached and I have not asked and it's fine. But Hacks is a comedy that is so fucking funny, so well-written, so well cast, I have watched every episode four times. That might indicate to some people that perhaps I have too much free time or that I don't know how to budget my time or that I am, you know, maybe postponing certain responsibilities in order to re-watch television shows, and all of those would be true. Hacks is so fucking great.

to rewatch television shows, and all of those would be true. Hacks is so fucking great. It's basically, it's like a comedy about two women, an aging career, an aging comedian with a Las Vegas residency who's kind of like struggling with keeping her career fresh, and then this hysterical young writer who was tasked to go work with her. And it is so fucking funny. It is so brilliantly acted.

And Hannah, the character who plays Ava, or the woman, or Hannah, the actress who plays Ava, is a fan of mine. And I shit myself when I found that out. Shit myself. There was shit all over myself. It's so, so good. And it's got Meg Stalter, who if you're not familiar with on Instagram, you have to go find her right now

because she literally posts like Saturday, she posts like Saturday night live skits every single day for free on her Instagram. Like it's crazy. The amount of free content, content, content, that she generates is truly staggering. I think I post probably like once a month, just, you know, 30 seconds of me saying something unintelligible with a baby filter on. She is so prolific and so brilliantly cast. She's so funny. The series is so fucking good.

If you don't like it, you're probably stupid. Let's see. Okay, the next thing. Oh, the next thing on our comedy countdown, number three, the severed head bag swap on Zack Snyder's new zombie movie, Army of the Dead. So this is spoilers alert. Spoiler alert for this. If you haven't watched this movie, I probably will be giving something away. So basically, this is how it goes. Imagine that you're writing a script,

okay? And you have a security advisor for a billionaire that is going to accompany a group of misfits and criminals into zombie-populated Las Vegas on this terrifyingly dangerous mission to steal money from a vault. On the way, you as the security advisor behead one of the zombies, one of the more powerful ones, and put their head, which can still talk and scream by the way. It's like a reanimated head. It's like a Medusa thing. It's still very powerful. Like even after it's been cut off, you put that in a sack. Okay. Like a sack. And you then later on sort of betray this group of people and say, you admit to them, Hey, by the way, it was never about the money. It's all about this head. This head is the most valuable thing. It's way more valuable

than all the money in the world. And then you betray the people. And then soon after that, one of those people swaps the head from the sack with a cash machine, an automatic cash counter, the kind you'd see at a bank teller's window, you know, that counts 100 bills and puts that in there instead. And then she takes the head. So then the security advisor, you pick up the sack and try to flee. But only many, many moments later, do you realize that there's been a swap? At what point?

I know this is probably like a stupid detail to get hung up on in a zombie movie, but I just hate it so much. Wouldn't you think that, oh, in my sack, my valuable, the most valuable thing that I risked my life and everybody else's life to come get, to bring from an oozing, perhaps screeching, organic-ish blob of a head, human head, and now it's a hard metal machine with a cord. I think that it would probably be a millisecond after you picked up the sack, never mind the fact that you'd probably know there was a swap well before you even picked up the sack just by looking at it. It's those little things in these movies that just really just drive me nuts. I was howling with laughter because not only was he like, wait a minute, this sack doesn't feel right. He struggles to open it. And it's like, it's just crazy. It's like that moment in the Batman movie,

The Dark Knight, where Harvey Dent is in the hospital at the end and the Joker is dressed up like a nurse and it takes him until the Joker removes his face mask, which is only covering his mouth, by the way. He has black, crazy makeup on his eyes to realize that it's him. And then he freaks out.

It's so funny. It's so funny. It's so funny. It's like, oh, now that you removed that little portion of, you know, that mask covering that little portion of your face, I realized you're the Joker. Whoa. It's, it's very funny. Okay. So next on the list, we have some local impressions of foreigners. I know this comedian I started following on Twitter named Katie Delaney, who then I became friends with. And I love that about Twitter. Sometimes on Twitter and on various forms of social media,

you can follow people that you admire or who entertain you or who provide you with interesting or whatever kind of information. And then you can actually meet them in real life and become their friend. It's wonderful. So I remember it was probably, it was a while ago. I found her, one of the stupid video of her impersonating a bingo MC in Australia. And I, I laughed so much. I just, I watched it probably 50 times in a row. And when something is funny to me, the more I watch it, the funnier it becomes. Things don't really get old. Things don't really get old. They just get better, which is the title of my new book about aging.

Okay. So here I'm going to play the bingo MC And I'm going to do it from my phone into the speaker, into the microphone. So I hope it works. Hello, welcome to bingo. If you're here for bingo, stay. Because you're in the right place. I'll pull a number. And, well, I've pulled a number. I've pulled 043.

If you have that number, mark it on your card. If you've got bingo, you have to say bingo. Otherwise, I'm not going to know if you've got bingo. So you have to say I just love it so much. Bingor. And the actual transliterated version of that word in Australia is bingor. B-E-A-N-G-O-R-E, for those who are wondering. That's Katie Delaney. Oh, my God. Okay.

The next, uh, the next item on our fun little comedy is, um, Kate updates. So this is, this is the social media. So on New York, uh, on Instagram, Kate updates, it is, uh, the most, oh my God, it's a gold mine of, um, if you're ever feeling down, if you're ever feeling down if you're feeling not so good uh i thoroughly advise you to go visit instagram.com and look up kate updates of course that's kate c-a-i-t as in caitlyn jen most hysterically, oh my God, it's just, I'm going to play you the entire video because I can and I want to. It's two minutes and 45 seconds. She has this really disturbing filter, digital filter of Caitlyn Jenner on her face,

and she does these incredible videos. And this one is Kate's transsexual checklist. So take a listen. I just wanted to hop on here and talk to you about this. There's been some controversy in the media about this list that I'm developing to determine whether or not a person is trans. So I thought we'd just go over some of the points on the checklist and you'll see it's really not so bad. At the points on the checklist, and you'll see, it's really not so bad. At the end of the day, you're either trans or you're not, buddy, so either check the box or you don't. So let's get started. I'm gonna have a golf cart. Pee backwards.

Sitting down. You hang glide. Cilantro tastes specifically like castile soap. You gotta know Dr. Fauci, but you can't like him. You're friendly with Meghan McCain. You have to have some evidence of you going to a Days Inn dressed as Theresa May. Glenn Close DM'd you on Instagram. You got kicked off a plane in Oaxaca.

You eat about three quarts of sour cream a day. You confuse Madonna for Guy Pearce in certain lighting. You think hookah is overrated. Big, natural, heavy tits. When asked to do your own taxes, you don't even know where to start. Donna Karan. Donna Karan. Transvaginal mash. They're called boobs, Ed. You only got a one Sephora because you think one of the gals is hot, but you never talk to her, so instead you just steal.

You get a period about four times a day. Jaden Dior fierce pointedly declined an invite to your housewarming. Café con azúcar. You drink sweet vermouth on the rocks with an orange. Haley Joel Osmond calls you about once a week by mistake. Sometimes you just fall over. You house sit for pepper labaza.

Appalachian billy goat seed. Heather Locklear's essence. Vascular atrophy. Total eclipse of the heart. Apple Paltrow called you a cunt at target things take a turn for the worse epic vistas mango lassie you keep it warm in your mouth gone through a divorce carrot coins beef pinwheels alistair crowley, Alison Krauss, Lady Gaga's bum knee. She's got better days aside.

See, that wasn't so bad. Very simple. And I just want to give a big shout out to ExxonMobil for sponsoring this video. Happy Pride. Thank you, Exxon. And lastly, just live your truth baby lock her up hey guys i just wanted to hop on here okay oh my god fucking a oh so that's kate updates Fucking A. Oh, so that's Kate updates. C-A-I-T.

Kate update. C-A-I-T update on Instagram. So fucking funny. Oh, my God. Epic Vestas. And she is a brilliant trans comedian. Macy Rodman. Okay.

So let's finish up the comedy countdown right here in the Bald and the Beautiful. Sans Trixie. And the next item on our agenda is, oh, Maria Bamford's stand-up album. The last bit of one of her stand-up albums. All of them are great, actually. I mean, I've seen, I think Maria Bamford is probably the funniest woman on planet Earth. And, oh, God, I've had the opportunity to see her live, and I just adore everything that she does. And I got to interview her, too.

Oh, my God, it's so funny. Okay, and another clip. This comes from Meg Stalter's Instagram, of course, starring in the incredible show Hacks. This is just a snippet of one of the, I mean, of the many, many brilliant and insane bits she does on her Instagram. Sometimes, sometimes our, I mean, this, she is so prolific. She's so funny. She's completely bananas.

I love her so much. And this is a trend on theme for Pride. This is her impression of a corporation dipping into the pond of Pride. So take a listen. Hi, gay. Happy Pride Month. We are sashaying away with deals. This month at the butter shop, we're running a special deal. If you can prove

that you're queer, you get three pints off your choice of creamed, chucked, or drowned butter. And if you do mouth stuff, you get four. We love gay, and it's awesome. So come visit. And we also make candles now. Wouldn't a candle be nice for gay stuff? In the bedroom or just hanging out? Yeah, we wouldn't. We wouldn't. Your partner, wouldn't, hey, wouldn't your partner want butter from the original old male's maid home? We've been making butter since 1945.

And we've been accepting all people since the last four months. So yeah, we're gagging for you to come take a taste of Cecily's Butter Chop at Cecily's Butter Shop. My friend's mom, I think, is gay. So we think it's cool. Turn it off, Willard. Oh my God, I love her so much. Check out Meg Stalter on Instagram. Turn it off, Willard. Oh, my God. I love her so much. Check out Meg Stalter on Instagram or on the incredible HBO Max show Hacks with Gene Smart and Hannah Einbender.

Okay, so we've got a few more items on the Comedy Countdown. I have just been informed that I cannot use anything that's copyrightable. So most of these things are either from the internet, specifically social media, or pulled from the depths of your mom's huge ass. So the next one comes from this great man person. His name is Kevin Zak, and he does these hysterical edited videos of the Vogue 73 Questions series. And they're so funny. And you can find him on Instagram at Kevin J. Zak, Kevin J-Z-A-K. They're very short, so I'll include a few here. The first one is with Anna Winter, so take a listen.

Anna, I'm here to ask you seven questions. Please show me your hands so I know you're unarmed. What's your full given name? Do you... I can't remember. What's the worst thing on TV? James Corden. Who do you think has the biggest...

Hugh Jackman. What did you have for breakfast today? Spiders. Favorite orphan? Oliver Twist. Any recommendations for my constipation? Perseverance. How long is your tongue?

I don't have one. Anna, I'm here to ask you... Hi, Nicole. I'm here to ask you... All right, stop. Okay. Anna, I'm here to ask you... Hi, Nicole. I'm here to ask you... All right, stop. Okay. Okay, next one is Nicole Kidman.

Hi, Nicole. I'm here to ask you seven questions. I know. Thank you so much. What's the sound of a wig caught in a blender? What would you want to turn into a coat? Smuffle up, I guess. What do you want to be buried with?

My six alpacas. Is Keith Urban a bear or an otter? An otter. Whoa! What's the first thing you do in the morning? Shit! Which first lady are you sure was a lesbian? Eleanor Roosevelt.

Who's responsible for Donald Trump? Jimmy Fallon. Hi, Nicole. I'm here to ask you seven questions. Okay, next up is Victoria Beckham. Victoria, can you speak on your vocal fry? Hi, welcome. I'm going to ask you seven questions. Thank you.

What's the name of your imaginary friend? That'll be Coco Chanel, the bulldog who lives in LA. Mayor McCheese or Grimace? You can't make me choose. Any advice for Glenda Jackson? Less is more. What's a word that begins with A? Eight. What am I spelling? K-a-t-a happy base what song would you play at ginger spice's funeral marvin gay

gotta give it up what would you say to a burn victim your skin's gonna clear up and it's all gonna be fine last question where would you find a chimney? It's on the house. And last one, I'm sorry, we just got to do it. Last one is Kim Kardashian. Hi, Kim. I feel like it's rare that anybody gets to ask you any questions. It is really rare, so lucky you. Who is David Schwimmer most known for playing?

Definitely my dad. How is parenting going? I started and I quit. What are your thoughts on the homelessness crisis? Honestly, I know it's hard, but you just have to really ignore it. What have you prepared for dinner? I've killed a raccoon with my high heels. Any advice for a fashion major whose boyfriend dumps her because she's not serious enough? Go to law school. Who would you want to call right now? I would call my mom for sure. Hi, sweetie pie. Hey, mom. Are we having raccoon for dinner? Yes, we are. Yay, I want the towel.

Oh my God. Okay. Oh my God. Okay. It's worth checking out every single one of them seven questions at kevin jzak's instagram um and then i think that's oh and i think we'll end um the comedy countdown i'm not sure how many things we counted down i intended to do 10 but i i think we we uh we didn't quite get there i guess we'll save some for next time, which definitely won't happen. The next bit is the, well, you know, it's short and sweet. And I know a lot of you guys out there really struggle with trying to get motivated, trying to stay active, trying to stay productive. And this is what I found to be, if you put this on a loop, it's only about four seconds. But like I said, a lot of times the most effective things happen in short little bursts. So let's see.

This is Dr. Phil. Let's see what he has to say. You're ugly. You're disgusting. I'm going to kill you. Give me $200. Let's play it one more time. You're ugly.

You're disgusting. I'm going to kill you. Give me $200. And that's our comedy countdown. Thank you guys so much. Please insert applause here. Let's take a break. Whether you're practicing your morning breath work, waiting for your favorite artist to come on stage, or running errands at the perfect pace, Liquid IV Powder helps you turn ordinary water into extraordinary hydration

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Oh my God, we're back. Oh, we're back. We are back. We're back. For another delightful segment, this one is called Porno Picnic. Porno Picnic. I have selected three pornographic videos that you can find anywhere on a free site such as Pornhub or

Xvideos or YouPorn or whatever. And you can watch them for absolutely no money for free. And the theme, as it is summer, is called Summer School, the teacher trope in the pornographic universe, the teacher trope, teacher-student scenarios. Now, when it comes to porno, the teacher trope, teacher-student scenarios. Now, when it comes to porno, when it comes to pornographic materials, I am a lover of a good setup. I love a good setup. And I love great acting.

It's not necessary. Sometimes I just want to see the hot dog slam into the spaghetti pile. But I really do love a good setup. And oftentimes you can be really, you know, it's like, you know, you go for the, you go for the sauce, you stay for the cookie or whatever. You're surprised and kind of taken off guard or caught off guard by some incredible acting. So the first scene is, I'll tell you what to search. You search Ken Mack and Vance Winter. And this was a scene that was, I think, originally aired on Suite 703,

which I don't know if it still exists, but you can watch it for free, like I said, on Pornhub or whatever. And so this is where a student comes back to high school to say hi to a former teacher. And one thing leads to another. And so this, this is where a student comes back to high school to say hi to a former teacher. And one thing leads to another and guess what? They fuck. That's right. And it's the student who actually does the sex to the teacher. Yeah. Yeah. The student has become the teacher when it comes to anal sex and they really get it going. Great acting, very hot, sexy. And it's old-ish.

You can't find it in HD, I don't think. So please excuse the low fidelity. But while the fidelity might be low, the hotness is very high. Next one is, that is, of course, gay. That's gay, by the way. That's gay sex. Happy pride. It's, of course, gay.

That's gay, by the way. That's gay sex. Happy pride. The next one is between a trans woman and a cis guy. And this is a parent-teacher conference. So Johnny Hill, a porno actor, visits the classroom of Daisy Taylor for parent teacher night. And of course, um, you know, Johnny Hill seems to be about, um, maybe like 30. And so it is perhaps a bit of a stretch to believe that he has a high school student, but you never know. You never know. It could have maybe take place

in Illinois. Um, and Daisy Taylor is a gorgeous, um, trans woman who happens to be the teacher of Johnny Hill's son, or I think it was a son. And wouldn't you know it, she forgot to wear panties, which is a little surprising for a teacher, especially on Parent Teacher Night, but I'm not here to judge anybody. And so when Johnny Hill kind of makes an overture and asks her out, she says, well, you know, this is all very flattering, but, you know, there's something you should know.

I'm trans. And he says, well, I prefer that. And then, you know, one thing leads to another and he's, you know, he's got his dick up her butt. It's true. Great, lovely scene. I think I actually downloaded that one into my computer. And our final teacher-student porno fantasy scenario sweepstakes getaway

clip is a tennis lesson. This is a straight porn, sorry. And it's courtesy of Tushy. courtesy of Tushy, Tushy, Tushy.com, which I guess is a porn site that features anal, thus, you know, therefore Tush, Tush as in butt. And so there is a, this is a scene between Aubrey Starr and Christian Clay, who also goes by the name Christian Devil. And I know that only because I've looked him up because I really like him. I think he's Italian. He's bald and he's got a huge dong. So anyways, he plays a tennis teacher and he is giving private lessons to Aubrey Starr. And wouldn't you know it, once again, and this must happen a lot,

which I just, I'm not aware of it because I don't experience it myself, but she forgot to wear panties. So when she's trying to get the technique down on this particular skill, she happens to bend over and wouldn't you know, her entire ass, her whole, her pussy, her cunt, and her twat are just on full, vivid, flagrant display. And tennis instructor Christian can't help but notice. And they end up fucking. Fucking in the pussy and in the butt. Excuse my language. So that's a good one.

And you can, of course, just search for any of the names. And then, hey, maybe watch all the clips and write down some observations and then send them in through the mail. Or you can leave a voicemail on our answering service, which is 1-900-dot-dot-dot-bald-in-the-beautiful-slash-messaging-service. That was Porno Picnic, and I am Katya. Okay, let's take another break. I am Katya. Okay, let's take another break. Mama, look at me.

Vroom, vroom. I'm going really fast. I just got my license. Can I borrow the car, please, Mom? Kids go from 0 to 18 in no time. You'll be relieved they have 24-7 roadside assistance with intact insurance. Mom, can we go to Nana's house tomorrow? I want to go to Jack's place today.

I'll just take the car. Don't wait up, okay? Kids go from zero to 18 in no time, don't they? At Intact Insurance, we insure your car so you can enjoy the ride. Visit Intact.ca or talk to your broker. Conditions apply. TD and your small business go together like... TD's small business account managers have in-depth business banking expertise

so they can give you the advice and resources you need to make your day-to-day easier. So if you're ready to meet your small business match, we're ready for you. Visit td.com slash smallbusiness business match to book an appointment with one of our advisors. And we are back. Welcome back to another

riveting episode of The Bald and the Beautiful. I am unfortunately without my co-host, but fortunately for you, it is all me. And that's great. Okay. So our next segment is listener questions, which I was shocked earlier today on Twitter. I posted a thing that said, hey, I'm doing a podcast. If you have questions, let me know. And I went through them and they are so good. I was shocked. There are a lot of them.

I screenshotted a million of them and I'm going to answer them here right now. And that'll be it because I have to go to the bathroom. So let's see. Let's just get it cracking. First question comes from Ariana Zamo. Do you have any advice for people with stage fright, performance anxiety? You're always so present and comfortable on stage. We love to see it.

Well, Ariana, thank you so much. But I have to say you are dead wrong. In fact, you could not be more wrong. But that's kind of my point. And I'll tell you why. So when I started performing in college, I'll never forget. I had come up with this performance art piece that was very rehearsed and very laid out. I knew what to do.

And I had run through it a million times. And I was set to start. I was set to come off, come onto the stage from stage right with my arms in a very particular position. Okay. And my sort of my arms out and my fingers curled back at me kind of like a zombie, but the other way. And like a thriller, kind of like a zombie, but the other way. And like a thriller pose, kind of. And my hands were shaking so much. I'm talking like somebody, like I was just, not like trembling. They were actively shaking, like I was wringing somebody's neck and they were invisible. Like it was so intense. I was

absolutely to my core, just terrified. This was a big stage I should, I should mention. And this was probably for, this was for an audience of, you know, students and faculty in a, in a, within the context of my performing major. But there was probably a hundred people there in a, in a large theater. It was a large theater and it was, I was, so I had to, so long story short, I had to, I put my hands down because I just couldn't control the shaking. It would have been so noticeable to somebody, even in the back row. And so that was sort of the start of my struggle with, with stage fright and performance anxiety. And so I learned in that performance group that there is a drug you can take.

I'm not sure exactly what it is, but it's probably a beta blocker or something like, you know, there's some, there's probably some kind of, uh, uh, anti-anxiety ish, um, drug that's not a benzo or anything like that, that you can take. That was my teacher mentioned, you know, when we, when he talked about stage, right, he said, okay, there are some certain, you know, avenues you can go down, um, medicinal, non-medicinal, you know, and then, um, the focus was of, on not taking drugs or medication. But I think in extreme cases, there are some kind of prescriptions that you can take. Because some people just get it so badly that there's nothing else they can do. But in terms of non-medicinal options, which I think really should be the focus,

my teacher said the best way to not be nervous about something is to perform it a million times or to rehearse it a million times. Um, you know, so much that you could absolutely do it completely asleep, um, or half dead. Uh, I, I, you know, I don't think that, um, I think that the, there are so many ways that you can add to, to stage fright and anxiety. And that number one is to be unprepared. That is, it's just so, I mean, there's so many times, especially with drag where it's not like, you know, I mean, the norm for drag performers like working in bars and stuff is not to rehearse numbers. Because the rehearsal takes place the first time you do it. Usually you just... I mean, it's frequent that a drag performer doesn't even know the words to the song, myself included. So there's that.

And definitely preparation is the best first defense against stage fright. Other than that, it depends on what you're talking about. So back to the question, I'm not present and comfortable on stage. I try to be. I'm rarely comfortable on stage. And it kind of really depends on the stage, also on my state of mind. I mean, there's so many factors. But most frequently, most likely, I'm trying to stay present and I am uncomfortable, uh, which does

not mean that I don't have fun, of course. Uh, but it is, it's never not, it's never not scary. And I think that I heard somebody say once that if you're not nervous before a performance, then you shouldn't be performing. And I think the, the, the point of that was that like, either you're not trying hard enough or you don't have respect for the audience or you're just doing something, you're not in the right job, I don't know. Or maybe you suck, whatever. So yeah, I think a certain degree of nerves is to be expected

and kind of perhaps can't be avoided unless you have just, you're just like a stone cold sociopath, um, or you're on a lot of drugs or, you know, uh, when, you know, maybe you took a Molly. Yes. Um, so yeah, that's my long-winded answer to that one. Next question. Uh, should they have completely redone the 2000 Olympics after the vault was set too low? Who was more robbed at those Olympics, Horkina or Radukan? Okay, well, this is a, this is a, Jesus Christ. I'm going to say, this is a very niche question, so I'm going to devote about two to three minutes to this and for the, for the sake of people who don't like gymnastics and then move on. So Horkina was, I don't think anybody was robbed. I don't think there was a conspiracy. I don't think that it was intentionally set too low to sabotage her.

Quick note, when I was talking about Horkina and the vault controversy at the 2000 Olympics, I would like to correct myself. The vault was not set too high. It was, of course, set too low, which would affect the rotation and power from a gymnast who was taller than the others. So too low, not too high. Thank you. Horkina is a megalomaniac. She is famously a grandiose, and I'm not going to say diva. She's more than a diva. She's a cunt, you know? And certain things she has said, you know, since retiring from the sport and certain observations she's made about her career and others have indicated to me that she's a total bitch.

And, you know, for lack of a better word, for lack of a better word in my mind, she's kind of canceled. That being said, she it was a bummer. That being said, it was a bummer. But here's the thing. Horkina was great at the time, but she was also inconsistent. That was kind of the theme of the Russians. They were dazzling. They were risky.

But when they fell, they fell hard. And they did that in the team final. And so when Horkina missed the vault because it was, and then it turned out it was too high, you know, which for a tall athlete makes a huge difference. She went on to compete on bars, but then fell.

Okay. So you could argue one way that, okay, well, she was so demoralized from falling on the vault that she didn't, whatever, whatever, that it affected her bars performance. But I don't buy that because she had fallen on the bars, I think in, must not have been qualifying, but she fell in the team final.

She fell on the team final. In the team competition, she fell on her bar routine. So, you know, she, I don't know. I think that it was just a really bad day for her. And it sucked that it was, the vault wasn't set right, but she was given the opportunity to perform her vault again. But of course, at that point, she still wouldn't have won because she had fallen on bars, yada, yada, yada.

Raducan was stripped of her title, I believe, because after the Olympics, she was, it was found out that she took a cold medicine that was banned. Anyways, bummer. The 2000 Olympics were a fucking mess. And unfortunately, the Americans at this point didn't even factor in at all. Elise Ray was really the only one in contention. And as far as the coverage, the coverage on NBC was, I think she was really the only one that really got some love. Although maybe Dominique Dawes did as well. She was still doing her thing in 2000. Okay, moving on. What languages do you

still want to learn in the future? This is also from Ariana Zamo. I would say, oh, I mean, Italian and Spanish. And I think I'll just stick to Italian and Spanish. Yeah. Okay. Next question comes from a casshole 0 3 7 2. What decaffeinated instant coffee should everyone be drinking? And of course the answer to that is high point, darling. It's decaffeinated. Okay. Um, next question comes from cry baby cancercer. Love that. Death knocks on your door and gives you these choices. One, continue life as you are. You will never decrease in wealth, fame, or success, but will die at 50.

Or two, transfer to another universe where you are not famous, but are wealthy, healthy, and travel with the love of your life. I mean, shit. What's everybody doing? I mean, I'm what's everybody doing? I mean, I'm going to say two. Just because, you know, another universe, come on. Who wouldn't take that opportunity?

Also, who cares about being famous if you're wealthy, healthy, and travel with the love of your life, mama? That is all you need, honey. Let's see, the next question gothy cherry comes let's see if you could have anyone to be the narrator of your life who would it be oh it would probably be either uh amanda plumber or um franley boy it's next question is adore you manila just kidding uh how is learning latin for you latin was my first foreign language and i had it for nine years and the grammar makes so much sense what do you think is it easier than other languages i loved latin i had i took three years of latin in high school

and i'll never forget um the teacher's name was jennifer healy miss healy i think she got married and then had a new last name but i don't remember what it was. And she was so funny. She was like a nerd and very nerdy, big surprise Latin teacher. And she would say, ten aequos, discip, which means hold your horses. And discip was an abbreviation of discipoli, which is students. So fucking nerdy and stupid, but I loved it. And it was great. I remember the first or second day of

class, I had her translate for me a sentence, a long sentence that was on the, I think the back or the cover booklet to one of the Jenna Torturers albums, 120 Days of Sodom. And I don't remember what the Latin was, but I remember that the translation, which she got back to me the next day, was, These theaters are prepared for evil deeds. The Jenna Torturers. Okay, so next one. Olive Juice wants to know, out of all of the David Lynch characters he has created, which one do you feel you relate to most and why? Oh, that would probably be nadine from twin peaks

or so i'll pick the top three nadine from twin peaks who um because the energy of a of a lady with an eye patch trying to um obsessively come up with a silent fix to drape running, trying to invent drape runners that run silently. And then going back to high school with superhuman strength, just with amnesia. Or the hobo who pops out of the dumpster and gives the guy a heart attack in Mulholland Drive. And the third one would be the log lady, of course.

But I don't really relate to her so much as I aspire to that energy. She's a role model. I would say Nadine. I'm Nadine in real life. And in my fantasy, I'm the log lady. Let's see. Next question. This comes from Nini Funky Funk. If I move to Marlborough and drink the water, will my teeth be as white as yours? Yes, that is scientifically 100% true. You should move to Marlborough at once and stop living the brown tooth life. This comes from Blood Fetish 69. Which were your favorite artists during your goth days? I would say, Let's see.

I had probably Skinny Puppy. I had many, many, many of their CDs, probably all that were available at the time. This is in the 90s. And let's see what else. At the time, Skinny Puppy. I listened to a lot of, I've discovered new music through compilations.

They were always releasing goth and industrial compilations that feature different artists. And through those I found, I say Skinny Puppy. That's more, that's not really goth. It's more like industrial. But I liked Switchblade Symphony, I think, which was a, they were like a girl group from San Francisco. And Serpentine Gallery. I recently re-listened to some of their stuff and I don't love it all that much.

And then Sopra Eternus was a great, that was a, they were fantastic. That was very goth of, and actually this person who asked the question has Anna Varney as their avatar or avatar. Okay. So yeah, Super Eternus was also a good one.

Next question, which is to a few more because this is getting boring. I can tell. What did you enjoy doing in your pre COVID life that you missed doing the most? Sucking dick and cock. I would say going to the movies and having sex. Yeah.

I love going to the movies and I like having sex. I love going to movies and I like having sex. So I miss those things. Now, of course, you can still do those things, but I miss going to the movies. I miss the $40 pretzels. So I'm hoping to go back to the movies and buy a $40 pretzel and then maybe have sex in the bathroom.

Just kidding, I wouldn't do that. This comes from Hayanandra Haran. Uh, do you have a current habit that you wish you could have started earlier? Smoking. I only started smoking when I was like 14. I should have got it on the ground floor. And I, you know, so ideally in a perfect world, I would have started smoking cigarettes pack a day by age 10. Definitely. No question about that. What is your ideal setting to perform? What's the atmosphere like? How is everyone acting?

Who would you love to perform with? This comes from Alyssa underscore JPEG. That's a great question. I would say it's in a cabaret-like setting, a mid-sized theater with about 300 people. They're all muzzled and well-fed, um, you know, tranked in the neck and, um, eyes taped open and I'm just wiggling. And there's a, you know, all my family's there and extended family, cousins, second cousins, um, people we've met along the way, you know, big stage, small audience, no seats. And, uh, I think that would be the vibe. That'd be really special. All right. Well,

thank you guys so much. This has been a real pleasure to do. A bit of a laborious task, but when it comes to laborious, nobody has that category beat like Trixie Mattel. So hopefully we'll be able to record soon. She is, of course, the queen of gay pride and just the queen of being gay and the queen of being a queen. So pour one out for Miss Trixie. You know, empty your gas tank, have a sandwich, order a burrito, and we'll see you next time on The Bald and the Beautiful. Have a lovely day. And please, don't drink and drive.