The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie and Katya - Medals, Mortality, & Medical Sex Vibes with Trixie and Katya

Episode Date: August 17, 2021

It's time to pop open that Boku juice box you've been saving since the 1996 Summer Olympics and let that adult-oriented fruit juice blend wash over you in an orgasm of black cherry and white grape. Today, Trixie and Katya hold center stage to talk about the benefits of gymnastics leotards, confronting one's own mortality, and C.S.I. Miami sex. Follow Trixie: @TrixieMattel Follow Katya: @Katya_Zamo To watch the podcast on YouTube: http://bit.ly/TrixieKatyaYT Don’t forget to subscribe to the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast If you want to support the show, and get all the episodes ad-free go to https://thebaldandthebeautiful.supercast.com/ If you like the show, telling a friend about it would be helpful! You can text, email, Tweet, or send this link to a friend: http://bit.ly/baldandthebeautifulpodcast For more Trixie and Katya and tour dates, go to: https://trixieandkatya.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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The dollar. It was like your medieval village. Suddenly just the industrial revolution was brought to you. It's not even good. It's just there. Oh, I see what you mean. Something to do. Something to do.

Yeah. It's like a nice. I love a McFlurry. I know that that's problematic. My friend drove into. Did you drive into a Dairy Queen? I drove straight through it. No. Oh, wasn't you?

Crashed into a Dairy Queen? Somebody I know did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love the Dairy Queen. I love the idea of some teenager grabbing a dilly bar and seeing a car coming and the Matrix flipping backwards. I got a fact. If you're listening to this and you know, you've heard this story before.

Someone drove into a Dairy Queen and then proceeded to get a blizzard. I have a better story than that. I used to work with this beautiful trans woman. We did drag together. And she was First Nation, as was I. So we had a lot in common. What does that mean? Native American.

Okay. And she, I won't say who she is. She could be dead. I, she was drinking a lot and crashed through the home of an elderly couple. Her car was in their living room. What were they doing? They were sleeping. In the living room?

In the middle of, No, in their beds. Oh, sure. She crashed through their wall. Her car was in their living room. And she was still drunk, probably still in drag. Yeah. And the old people were so nice. They brought her in the kitchen and cooked for her and stuff.

She'd do a number. You better knock, knock, knock, knock, knock. Well, she was doing a number and then crashed through the... Crash into you. Yeah, she was doing a number and then crashed through the- Crash into you. Yeah, she was doing Mazzy Star, Fade Into You. I crashed my car into the house of an elderly couple that was sleeping upstairs. Yes. And I always think of like, if you're like an old white couple from suburban Wisconsin

and a trans woman of color crashes her car through your living room and you have the heart to, that's a good person that no no no see here's the thing I think that they looked at it as a you know they probably had that

superstitious inkling because mama that's a unicorn so what if it crashes through the vinyl siding of your fucking shitty house that's a

you're blessed this is a good omen they thought it was like they thought a rapture yeah the beginning of the rapture. Or like the four horsemen, but like the first horseman. The first horsewoman.

Horse lady. Yeah. Yes, horse lady. The horse face lady. Yeah, of the Apocatrion. Anyway, crashing can be fun. You've crashed cars. Many.

I've crashed more cars than I've driven. Been carjacked. Yeah, carjacked. Yeah. Climbed into the front seat on top of me punching me in the face is that crazy i i that's for me that would be traumatic it was a little scary i haven't really driven since think about it uh so then i would drive with the gun so then the guy steals my phone he gives it to to his girlfriend. Selfies. Selfies.

I used to find my iPhone and the police found it. And I got the phone back. It was a bunch of selfies. Was she cute? She was really cute. Yeah. And they said, do you want to press charges? Who would play her?

Who would play her? Simone Biles. Oh, really? Yes. She was like 5'1"? She was short. Yes. She was like 5'1"? She was short. Yes. She was a beautiful, very... I remember in the picture, she had like muscle tone.

I was like, where? Yeah. Do you watch the... Have you been watching the Olympics? Probably not, because NBC's coverage of the Olympics, as it does pretty much every year, sucks the turds out of my cat's litter box. What happens? Why aren't they like...

Well, ask me if there's a chinese athlete that's in metal contention for any anything on the women's side is there i don't know because i haven't seen a single fucking chinese woman compete on this coverage they do this whole they're they're showing the russia in versus the usa of course they're showing lots of stuff you know lots of simone biles withdrawing whatever was like, can we just focus on the athletes who are competing now? No. That's upsetting. They'll show a routine.

It's the dismount. And then they'll show some skills in slow motion while they're commentating. I'm like, what is this? What is this? They should do a faggy version of Olympics coverage for people like you where it's just gymnastics. It's just the ice skating. It's like the shit that the gays care about. Yeah. And then fuck. Although

do you like to watch the men on the rings and stuff? I like the men's. I don't like the rings. I don't like the pommel horse. I like vault, high bar, floor and parallel bars. What's the bar? Do you like that? That's the women. Women. Men don't do that? So men do. Men and women do vault and floor and then the men have. Vault is?

Vault is the So they run and jump on the table and then flip off it. Men and women do vault and floor. And then the men have- Vault is? Vault is the- So they run and jump on the table and then flip off it. Really? Oh, Mary. Mary. Oh, is it this thing? The bouncy?

Do you get up on the beam? No. Yeah, it's a springboard to get up to block onto the- And then they hit the vaulting table and then they somersault off of it and land. Quick, 15 seconds. That's crazy. It's crazy. So it's super dangerous.

What do you do when you watch it? Do you have the sound up and you lay on the couch and watch it? Like, I don't. You're like the only person I know who watches sports. Well, it depends. Like, are you watching other things? Here's the thing. I don't watch.

So if you want to watch it in real time, you got to be up at three in the morning because it's in Tokyo. Oh. But that's the only way to really get the, you know, to get it as it unfolds. I'm not that obsessed. But when I tell you, when I watched the 2004 fucking Olympics in Athens, Mary, I was three inches away from the fat back TV screen in my shitty apartment. Three inches away. And I was. In it. J fat back TV screen in my shitty apartment. Three inches away. And I was. In it.

Jittery. Jittery. And I was just like, I was just screaming and I couldn't. Oh, it's stressful. It's stressful. Screaming at the TV. Screaming at the TV. Like you know the people.

Screaming. I know those people. I made them. I trained them. Those are my girls. Those are my girls. Those are my girls. This is my girls. Those are my girls. This is going to be a big one.

This one's for the girls. Yeah. And the Mary, let's just say shenanigans, tomfoolery as usual at the Olympics. You don't live. Well, where are the Chinese? Where's anybody else? The coverage is so uneven. What is the coverage coverage not the actual event

well would you ever go no because I went to I went to a major I went to Olympic trials a national meet

in the United States girl I couldn't see shit it's so far away it's so far away everything's happening at once you don't want all that plus it's like although I was me

17,000 girls and then two other faggots your parents no oh wow how old were you I was like, 17,000 girls, and then two other faggots. Your parents? No. Oh, wow. How old were you? I was like 28, 9, maybe 34.

You probably looked like a prevert. No. I came to watch the young girls. No, no, I'm gay, gay, gay. I came to watch the young girls. I'm here to watch those little girls in leotards. Are they going to spread their legs soon? Speaking of that, though, the German team wore unitards.

Ballsy, excellent move. You loved it? Why are we watching? Why am I watching? Why is anybody watching? 16-year-old girls, spread eagle, in high def. Nobody should have to worry about their bikini wax at that age, never mind at the biggest stage in sporting.

Do you know what I mean? You don't think 16-year-old girls are worry about their bikini wax at that age, never mind at the biggest stage in sporting. Do you know what I mean? You don't think 16-year-old girls are thinking about their bush? You think only athletes wax? No, no, no, no, no. I'm saying everybody's thinking about their bush. Covered up in a unitard. Eliminate that stress. Unitard is legs too, right?

It's arms and legs. That just seems... If I was an athlete, I would want to wear something that I could totally turn my brain off catsuit right yeah

catsup catshit I think in another life you were if you would have had a different financial situation maybe you were born in Russia maybe you were born in a family

that was like you need to be an athlete so we can eat oh so like Kazakhstan yeah yeah you need some sort of like raised from birth well guess what, bitch?

The 46-year-old Oksana Chusevitina, her eighth Olympic Games, dino DNA. She died? No, no, no. She's just so old. 46 years old. She's 46? 46 years old. That's two years older than me. That's 40 years older

than a gymnast. She has a daughter who is older than most of the girls years old 40 years older than a than a gymnast she has a daughter who is older than most of the girls in competition catch it is she nice does she let those women have it i think that she she's a legend she's revered when she did her last routine it was like standing ovation of the three people in the audience because there was covid but um she did she let them have it she let him have it are the young girls scared of her are they like oh she's the one to watch we have to beat her mama They're like, who is that granny? Like, like who wandered off, you know, out of the nursing home.

Yeah. She did two. She did two squats on the M Night Shyamalan beach and came out. Oksana. Fuck. Carrie Strug vacation at that beach. I love when the old bitches still have it because I was watching Top Model with David for the first time

and in season three the guest judge they retired Janice Dickinson who was fun but crazy. Oh, certifiable. Yes. Crazy. They swap her out

for Paulina Porzkova. I love her. Who's so glam and Taver goes our guest judge this season is Paulina Porzkova and the girls all turn around and Paulina walks in the middle of them, hands on the hip,

and just goes like. And she's hotter than all, thinner than all of them. Yeah. She's incredible. And I follow her on Instagram. She's very, she's very. Well, her husband was the singer from the Cars. And he passed away.

Sting? No, the singer from the Cars. Sting? Is his name Sting? Is it? Stung. He's dead now. Past tense.

From the helicopters? Who? Who is it? From The Cars. I guess you just want to need it. Jessie's Girl? No. Tim Clapton. Eric Clapton. Tim Hunks. I guess you just want to need it. Jessie's girl? No. Tim Clapton.

Eric Clapton. Tim Hunks. I believe he didn't leave her anything. This was in the news. They were married for a long time, yeah. Mama, she's a supermodel. What does she need? That's how I felt.

If the wife is filthy rich, leave it to your siblings or whoever. You know what I mean? Give it to the needy. If David was exorbitantly wealthy and I died, I wouldn't leave him anything. He doesn't need more money. No. You leave it to me.y if david was exorbitantly wealthy and i died i wouldn't leave him anything visit me no you leave it to me struggling wretch yeah living check to check czech check to check wait wait check hunter porn check hunter that's me by the way that's me when I went to my... I went to... Remember my old roommate, Lee? Yes. I went there yesterday to visit.

This is Barry Lee, by the way. And I picked up... I picked up... Oh. I picked up my mail. Checks from the past two years. Checks from World of Wonder. Checks from Drag Queen Merchant.

$360,000 just sitting there. And the way I didn't call a single one of them before cashing it, I said, if I cash this two-year-old check and it bounces, they don't have it. That's true. I'm leaving this company anyway if it bounces. They weren't that much money, but I'm just... Today I was cashing checks from February 2020. Cashing checks.

Expired checks. Not exciting. Some of them were $40. Oh, I don't care. Residual checks from Playing House, three cents. Love it. I'm on that mobile app and I'm doing.03. When I get American Horror Story residuals, they're like $3. Yeah. $3 more than you had yesterday, bitch.

Yeah. Working actress. Working actress. Stag. No, but there's like, I just got another check From that fucking HBO show Fierce Money Rich Well you were

Like $900 I did three lines $900 You did a real job It was actually Yeah it was a real job It was like One of three people

One of three speaking roles We're doing a remake of Titanic And we need a rose Are you available Yeah And I'll tell you what Depending on how you're feeling that day We can either have you rose

Or you can be the door that Leonardo DiCaprio floats on. How about that? Depending on what the situation is. Yeah, if I knew then what I knew now, Mary, I wouldn't have been the last. We're taking a break. I'm not going back to university to be your friend. I'm going so I can get Uber One for students.

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where we offer career programs purpose-built for you. Visit continue.yorku.ca. I have a lot of times gone into things far too hungover. Yeah. And then what happens happens how does that roll out i'm i've like thrown up oh well during the day on set yes on camera in front of people no okay okay well like i've been like can't eat too cute like you know i've been that level of hungover in drag where i'm like you know when you're so hungover that like trembling i have done that before well i mean or when you do a saturday gig and you have to do the brunch shit like that where you're still hungover, like trembling? I have done that before. Well, I mean... Or when you do a Saturday gig and you have to do the brunch,

shit like that, where you're like, what was I thinking? Oh, see, I... Or the level of hangover I have exhibited going to the airport at like six in the morning. Yeah, but that's different. You're going to the airport, nobody's in their best, you know? Yeah, there's some scenarios where you're like, who cares if I'm hungover?

But you're like, this is when you're on camera, you're on a TV show, this is an incredible opportunity that any other drag queen would be like, this is it, this is camera, you're on a TV show. This is a this is an incredible opportunity that any other act, any other drag queen would be like, oh, this is it. This is my Willem Starsborn moment. You know? Yeah. I have a story that's similar to that that I don't think I've ever told you. Oh, one time when I first moved to Los Angeles, I was tired.

I was getting back into town. My friend Jeremy was like, well, let's go out. I'm like, I'm tired. He was like, I'll give you Adderall. I'm still Pollyanna. I was like, what is that? Is that a caffeine? Is that a Jesse Spano caffeine pill?

No. He gives me a quarter of an Adderall. So like five milligrams? Oh my God. I am at the bar basically jaw grinding with a boner. I'm like turnt, right? Turnt. Completely turnt.

Long story short, I get pickpocketed. We go home with a go-go boy and have a three-way. Now, I had to go to the dentist the next day. Because you chewed off all your molars? No, I had an appointment. Oh. So I go to the dentist, and I'm still buzzing from that amount of Adderall, and so the anesthetic isn't working.

Oh, no. So they give me several rounds of anesthetics, and every time she goes to work on my tooth, I'm like, it's not working. It's not working. It's like the third time. Then I go, can I talk to you outside? Then I go, I just moved to Los Angeles and I thought it would be real cute at the gig and try to do a quarter of a party drug.

That's not even a party drug, I guess, but a quarter of one. And she goes, well, oh, so you're still like kind of buzzing. And I go, yeah. She goes, well, how about we postmates you like a smoothie? You can have a glass of water. You'll have some breakfast. And I have an opening in a few hours. And we'll do it then.

Mama. She was way too nice to me. And she's still my dentist to this day. No, no, no, no, no. But it was my deepest, horrible shame to look my dentist, a professional, and be like, sorry, I'm fucking gross. Listen, you are over catastrophizing this because she's a medical professional. Of course. And this is all for your benefit, the whole thing, for your health.

So that's different. Try to be cool, though. You try to do drugs to be cool. Wow, I don't think I've tried doing drugs to go to the dentist. Granted, this was a half of a milligram of a whisper. Basically over the counter. You took a Red Bull the night before and then went in. I licked my finger and stuck in a pre-workout and went like this.

That's what I did. Jesus Christ. But acting is hard. Yeah. Even if you are going in completely like you went to yoga that day, you never had a drink in your life. Yeah. Acting is hard. Yeah. Even if you are like going in completely like you went to yoga that day you never had a drink in your life. Yeah.

Acting is hard. Under all under the best circumstances. I mean unless you're unless you're one of those freaks who makes you're just good at it

but acting is hard. It takes like a stupid amount of preparation to go in and act like you prepared nothing. And then you can forget it all once you the stage fright thing

is so strange like there's no adrenaline. I mean I don't find like when you're on a set that there's no theatrical adrenaline, there's no theatrical pressure that, that makes you to rise to the occasion. It's the opposite. It puts you on the spot in the most vulnerable, uncomfortable way, because there's just a camera and everybody i don't know i have trained the muscles of humiliation um so fiercely and the the your synapses are like are we doing this again yeah okay oh so this dog and pony show let's get so we're rubbing shit all over ourselves but i know how to i know how to detach and move on quickly by necessity from a humiliation it's your brain couldn't let this go it was like

weeks and i was just like oh my god it was so bad anyways let's not belabor the point just let's let's go to a better topic i found out one of my friends might be dying and i found out about it and you know i don't always handle like emotions with tact and empathy but you haven't you didn't have an empathetic and tactful response you weren't there you don't always handle like emotions with tact and empathy but you haven't you didn't have an empathetic and tactful response you weren't there you don't hold space for that person that's unimaginable i also don't always handle like the news of it well as far as like it's supposed to like hit you you immediately ah and i always like tragedy your own grief tragedy hits me like a robot and then later on i'm like what's this weird feeling yeah

huh am i sad so last night i was like lay i was like laying on the couch and i was just like i don't feel like doing anything and i'm so upbeat all the time as you know famously it's fun to be around joyful and i was just like i feel like shit i was like oh i just feel like shit for my friend and death is so weird and somebody saying that they might have a limited amount of time isn't like finding out they died it's finding out that there's a window that is continuously closing that you now know about which is different i've never been through that before where someone says hey just so you know we kind of have an expiration date on me and this is the general time. Oh, okay.

That's different than, not I died, but, hey, I died. I forgot to tell you. I sent a group text. I died. That's different than, oh, so-and-so died. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Somebody saying, I'm dying around this time. See, I love that.

You do? Yeah. In what way? Love everything about it. Well, so so it depends. Like, can you give me some context without giving too many details away? Is this person young? Recurring illness.

Okay. That the treatment's at a point where they're kind of like, well, you could either go way more aggressive or live your life the same and probably check out early. Okay. And he's like, I'd rather be working. I'd rather be doing my job. Yeah. And also, he should know that, or he or should know that um assisted uh suicide is legal in california and you can get that service if they should offer that to people who are like horribly they do they

do yeah in california it passed 2016 i think so i don't think he's quite there but it's an option if you have a card i I can write down a number. Okay. But I just felt bad because I was like I visited and I was like I guess the number of times I will see you then is limited now. But also you can't stop your whole life and see someone as much as you can like every day. No you should be sleeping there right

now watching over him. No no no. No but I mean you have a relationship with the person. You have no regrets. It you have a relationship with the person you have no regrets it's like a reverse of telling someone you're pregnant it's the reverse of telling someone you're pregnant wait pregnancy is a good thing pregnancy is like something really magical and amazing the cycle of life is working in my favor in nine months oh see that's where we differ i think of it as a nine months impending death but not me being pregnant not you being pregnant oh okay versus like telling someone like,

I'm cycling out, dude, at this time. Yeah. I see, funny, I feel like pregnancy is like, oh, but Zoe, I'm dying, like, oh. Who would play her? Yeah. You're like, who would play her? I mean, obviously I don't want anybody to suffer,

especially I don't want anybody to be tortured by pain unnecessarily. But shuffling off this mortal coil or yeah it just I mean what a thrill you know what you're gonna look like one of those old cartoons of a skeleton dancing oh yeah I mean I already looked like that we should get you a top hat but we were like talking about it and joking about it feel about it I didn't pry too deeply I tried to just keep it positive because my whole thing was like, well, if this is accurate, that person would just want our friendship to feel the same the whole time. Yeah.

Yeah. They are a situation. They don't need. Yeah. I mean, you don't have to like. Yeah. I mean, one of the things about grief is like, oh, my God, there's no there's no kind of like blueprint for it, although there are all the theories of the things about grief is like, oh, my God, there's no there's no kind of like blueprint for it.

Although there are, you know, all the theories of the stages. But like you just you never know. But like the conflict that people feel when their moms or dads are dying and they hated them or they loved them and all this shit. And like then you have feelings about the feelings like you have. You have feelings about the grief. Right. Guilt about the length of time I should be grieving. You know what I mean?

There's all this bullshit around it. Or guilt about, why aren't I crying? Yeah. Should there be water coming from my eyes? Does this mean I didn't like the person? You know what I mean? It's so weird. And guess what?

What if you really didn't like the person? Which often happens. You know? Yeah. Well, my stepdad died who I hated. Yeah. I still cried. Interesting.

Tears of joy? No, not tears of joy. I think I was just sad about, in general, it was more like putting a button on the whole horrible experience. Okay.

Cathartic tears, yeah. Yeah. I mean, I've been crying the house down. You have? Not because of death, the Olympics. Are you crying at the Olympics?

I cry. Anytime somebody cries at the Olympics, Mama, it is Niagara Falls Did you see the person Did you see the person Who won a gold In swimming

And then They don't They need glasses Somebody from China They need glasses And so they win the gold And they're squinting Trying to look at the board

And they can't see the scores And so everyone's cheering And they're like What happened? Yeah And then they put on these giant Like Coke bottle glasses And they go

When they win the gold Do they cry? Tom Daley Tom Daley Do you cry? Yes What happened? Yeah. And then they put on these giant Coke bottle glasses. And they go, oh! When they win the gold, do they cry? Tom Daley. Tom Daley. Do you cry? Yes. I saw a slow-mo video of him diving. How does he fold his body in half like that?

I don't know. I knew that he was good. I didn't know that he was in contention for gold. But he and his partner fucking turned it out on that fucking the the three meter uh or 30 10 meter platform this is his first gold no right it's not his first olympics um it might be his first gold i did his makeup a few years ago did you with me and willem did his makeup for a video we put him in drag as kermit that's so i got to paint his body green oh and it was funny because he has like an eight pack and he was like this is me and my chubby face because it was between cycles of training yeah i mean he is legit like they were so fantastic and they beat the chinese which is so hard to do he's a dad yes in the in the

commentator was talking about that gay gay gay dustin lance black is his husband yeah yeah gay gay children father is cool diving is so cool. Crazy. Mm-hmm. But then the Russian men in the Olympics, they won gold and they cried. And they haven't been on the podium since 96 or something or 92. And they were all crying. Lost it. Lost it. Not so much when the women cry because that's kind of common.

Did Tom Daley cry? Oh, yeah. What do they look like? Well, he's wearing a stupid fucking mask. There's a mask? Don't wear the mask on the podium. I want to see the full expression of human emotion. They should give him a crying booth, a six feet crying booth.

Hey, person who won, we don't want to get you too excited, but we need you to step over here. And we're just going to check your temperature. It's so crazy. The security theater of those particular instances is so maddening because it's like just give me the fucking raw human emotion

just give it to me baby can we talk about something controversial yet brave I want masks of course I want everyone to wear a mask I was featured on the news you sure were drag queens with no mask

I'm wearing a clear shield I'm all for suspending disbelief in theater I'm all for suspending disbelief in theater. I'm all for creating a character. I mean, clearly we're going to pretend that's a woman. I know. Let's not pretend that she's safe. Let's pretend she's a woman.

Yeah. Let's not pretend that that clear plastic visor. Does a damn motherfucking thing. Of course COVID's real. Everyone should have a mask. I think everyone in the room should have a mask on so that the drag queen can do their thing. Thank you. Even if it means six feet,

don't go tip the drag queen in person. Yeah. I had a lip sync with one of those visors on once and I just felt so dumb. Yeah. I could, I've never done it.

It kills the fantasy quick. But how about this though? How about this for killing your fantasy? You, you train your whole life, trials and tribulations, injuries, overcoming debt,

but you get on that Olympic podium as the gold medalist. And then you got to put a little mask on because NBC says, uh. But don't you think it would incur too much criticism? Like, oh, wow. So for famous athletes, rules don't apply. Well, they certainly don't wear them while they're flying high on the uneven bars. Or in the pool. But like if I was at a restaurant. Yeah. And a fan came up to me and they wanted a picture, I would make them and me put a mask on and take a picture just to like not incur the.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But this is like that I get. But it's security theater. Like it's this moment. Just put them far away. moment is so... Just put them far away. Just have the person, have the medal officiant wear a hazmat Rene Russo

and outbreak suit to give them the gold medal. And then I want to see them crying. And or have the athletes sign like a waiver of like, can we all be really safe? Absolutely. Yeah. Also... Because it's more likely they'll snap their spine doing what they're doing. Yeah, it's a little more dangerous. Do people

die at the Olympics? They get gravely injured. There was one, there was a... I do know about ice skaters falling. What? That's not that bad. Doubles. Oh, drops.

Woman in the air. Drops. Dropping them. I eat the marijuana and watch the ice skater Ice skater doubles Eating shit Two couples spinning I don't know what this move is I'm gonna try to impersonate it Hold on

It's like This And they're spinning Yeah That is Wow Is that Sasha Cohen? Is that Johnny Weir?

It's a runga Warrior three They're doing that And they're spinning together And then they get off kilter and his blade hits her head. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And I'm watching it like. Turned on 0.2 milligrams of THC.

These skaters are tall. The women are petite. They're up in the air. Yeah. Tripping and dropping someone on their face. And then they have to get up and they literally covered in blood skating off the ice with poise. We're like the guy usually grabs her waist and guys her because of course the woman gets hurt more. She's falling from the sky.

Right, right, right. And as as a skating double couple. How do you also like recover the trust level there? I know. But also it's not their fault. You're on a blade. Yeah. Of course things happen.

Get this. Ask Wesley Snipes. Yeah. I haven't seen him since Blade. Have you? How about this though at the Olympics? In gymnastics, do the event final. So at the end of the Olympics for gymnastics, they do, you know, competition for the bars.

The beam who's the best on each. But most bottom friendly gay bar. But they don't allow the gymnast to warm up on the apparatus before their competition. Why? I don't fucking know. So there's a back gym that they can warm up at, but they, they, then they go into the main gym for the competition where the equipment is different. You know, it's not the same equipment.

It's, it's usually called a one touch warmup where you get like a few, you know, you get to do the vault before you vault. They don't get that. And the stadium has no people in it. So it's freezing. And these gymnasts are expected to do physical feats of the most outrageous, complicated nature where injury is certain and with cold, not warmed up muscles at the Olympics. What kind of fucking tomfoolery is that? In the Olympics, wouldn't they make that room like borderline humid,

like Zumanity? You would think. But when you see the Russian gymnast Melnikova warming up her hands with her mouth. It's insane. The Olympics is totally ridiculous and gymnastics is off the chain. And I'm going to be

the president of it next year. Should we take a break? Yeah. This episode is brought to you by CIBC. From closing that first sale to opening a second store, as a business owner, you've hustled to accomplish a lot, but the rewards don't stop there.

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Yeah, I'm calling it now. President of gymnastics. In this wig? Yeah. I missed your, we're back. I missed your birthday party. I don't say that. I,

so this wig I created for the, my little 40th birthday party, which by the way, was the funnest night I've ever had out in my life ever. Oh, I think about it. 43 years of my life, 43 years of my life.

I've never, ever, ever. I mean, I don't go out that much. I've never had that much fun in my life. I sweated I danced the whole night the entire night I sweated probably 14 gallons of sweat sober and I

was so dehydrated at the end I walked home a shell of a person and I was just like but you danced like I've never seen a person like joy, before people were dancing, you were thrashing. I was thrashing from the minute. Because here's the thing. I had hired. Not good dancing. Oh, no, no, no, no. This is like Strychnine and this is like a tent revival dancing.

Yes, yes. Speaking in tongues. Yeah. I hired the DJ, Matteo Segade. Yes. So fantastic. And I gave him a ton of music, Russian music. And he did so much work.

The amount of work he did, arranging and adjusting all the BPMs of the song so that they went into each other. It was so impressive. He's bomb. He's so bomb. He's my drag mom, my DJ mom. Your DJ mom.

Yeah. He's so fierce. He's so fierce. And it was so great. I just went to see him last weekend. He was playing music. He's a really great guy. He is. He. He's so fierce. And it was so great. I just went to see him last weekend. He was playing music. He's a really great guy. He works so hard for it.

And it was so, he had a great time. He and I were just like, we were just like, that was so fun. Why was it? It was private. Yes.

Yeah. Because we knew every single person there. Yeah. And I, people, some people brought like, we actually ended up going over because we,

the bar I rented out agreed to do 75 people. And then 150 people showed up, which we thought it was going to be the opposite. Oh, you thought it was going to be like 30. Oh yeah. Because the owner of the bar was rented out agreed to do 75 people. And then 150 people showed up, which we thought it was going to be the opposite. Oh, you thought it was going to be like 30? Oh, yeah, because the owner of the bar was like, listen, this is LA. No matter who you are, no matter what happens,

you invite this many people, half are going to show up. Right. And the opposite happened. But it was, I'm telling you, man, it was so great. Not one shitty person there. I know. Not one shitty. It was really, really fun. It was so fun, it was so great. Not one shitty person there. I know. Not one shitty. It was really, really fun.

It was so fun. It was so fun. And I've never heard Russian music in a club before. Not even in Russia, ironically, probably, right? Well, no, yeah. But do they listen to Russian music? They listen to Rihanna. Right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But no, they do listen to Russian pop over there. But they don't. I've never been. I've never heard it. The children were living, too. I just, I've never been, I've never, never heard it. The children were living too. I think they liked it. Yeah.

I think they did too. And a lot of people came alone because my friends don't really know each other. Um, and they were, everybody dressed up. Do you like dance music? You do. I like, yes. I like dance music and I especially like non-English. It just helps you focus less on what they're

saying no we don't need to know what you're saying love love blah blah blah you parked your car you lost it whatever who cares you know but like it's just the i love the the sounds and the the beats and stuff i love sounds i love sounds and beats especially when they're together they make my body go dancey my body go dance. Yeah. I mean, I don't know. I went to see Adam's family at the Cinespia. The movie. The Hollywood Forever Cemetery. Cinespia.

Yeah. Cinespia is an event they throw at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery where they show movies. How did you sit? Did you bring a lawn chair? How lay her? I, well, I was. Oh, VIP. Yeah. So I got, because I presented Priscilla there a few weeks ago. Yeah, yeah yeah so I got because I presented

Priscilla there a few weeks ago yeah yeah so I got to go sit and watch and guess who's in front of me Kristen Chenoweth Dua Lipa again Dua Lipa

Dua Lipa she's really making the rounds was she trying to be governor or something Dua Marie Peep was right in front of me and get this she turns around and goes

can I have a light and I go we don't have a lighter and she goes okay and my boyfriend goes do you know who that is and I go no he goes Dua Lipa and I go who he goes D a lighter and she goes okay and my boyfriend goes do you know who that is and I go no he goes

Dua Lipa and I go who he goes Dua Peep I was like oh you're like how am I gonna act oh my god which should I wear

should I cry she has been at that by the way Wendy Williams has been at that that bait and switch lead up game for eons

we watched the clip of her talking about her mom dying I know. I could. That's gonna be me on this show announcing when my friend dies. Yeah. That's gonna be you at my eulogy.

You're gonna be like, I mean, it's just, it's so diabolical. She's really something else. Wait, who else was there? Dula P? Any other celebrity sightings? Where were you sitting? Oh, there's like VIP areas that are, they give you blankets, trays of food and drinks. And what?

A chair? No, there's big stuff. Oh, where's the back support? Where's the back support? Because I can't fuck with that cemetery. Where's the back support? All I can think about is like hunched shoulders and lumbar crunching.

No, it's a nice big blanket. With a, with a, say the chair. Say it's a chair. No. It's one of those... I will never go, not one day in my life. It's one of those big fat pillows with arms. It's like a chair pillow on the ground.

Is it a chair? It's comfortable because you lay down. Is there back support? You lay down. You lay down? Yes. Yes, you lay down. Oh my God, that was a wig?

You said, say it. Say chair. Say chair. It was really fun and I recommend it. And I would go, we're going to see Scream 1 and 2 and Clueless there too. Oh, cool. They're showing Clueless. They're showing Clueless.

And they're showing Scream 2, which features Debbie Salt. Debbie Salt. And Jackie. And Jackie. Oh, really? and oh really the killer number two and Hathaway that's who that is with the actress's name Jack McFarland Laurie Metcalf Laurie Metcalf Laurie Metcalf yeah who would

play her Laurie Metcalf now who would play her if anybody Laurie Metcalf. No, who would play her? If anybody doesn't know, we're obsessed with who would play her because when RuPaul had a podcast, it stopped out of nowhere. Yeah. I mean, they did it for a long ass time. They used to have all the great guests, though, because they would have them from Drag Race. Yeah. And whenever somebody would talk about like, oh, my mom, she's funny.

RuPaul would go, is your mom? Who would play her? Who would play her? It's RuPaul's way of like picturing your mom. Yeah. It's like, what does she. RuPaul would go, is your mom? Who would play her? Who would play her? It's RuPaul's way of like picturing your mom. Yeah. It's like, what does she look, instead of what does she look like, who would play her? Who would play her?

Yeah. It's so funny to ask who would play her about A, somebody you already know. Yeah. Somebody who doesn't matter who would play them. Right. It's like, oh, the Postmates guy came. Who would play him? That's what she asked me when I told her a story about moving into Hollywood and this rapper got out of a car with white pants, with white tights, with a huge dong out of a gold Bentley.

She was like, who would play him? It was LL Cool J. I got to ride in several nice cars this week. Iggy drove me. LVP. Well, yes. And Iggy drove me in her Range Rover. And he was like, he was like like if you need to get your license

you can go to the DMV and I know a guy they take he was like they can help you out the celebrities get they take you in a room and just get it you know

and I was like is that what you did? they take you in a room and you just get it? like if you're a celebrity you don't have to wait in line at the DMV they said are you fucking nuts?

wait wait get it get it get it I heard I don't want to confirm or deny but I heard that she said that if you're a celebrity you can go in and they let you they let you

maybe or not know all the answers and she said that to me while she's driving me and I go is that how you got it? she like blew a red light and then Bob told me about somebody once a celebrity Bob was like oh I want a car but I don't have a oh, I want a car, but I don't have a license. And the celebrity was driving and goes, I don't have a license.

I mean. Tadric Hall. So then I go to dinner with Lisa and she drives me home. No license. No passport. No arms. I'd never been in a Rolls Royce before. Rolls Royce, yeah.

The doors open that way. Yes. Fierce. White leather interior. Yeah. Great electrical system. been in a rolls royce rolls royce yeah the door the door is open that way yes fierce white leather interior yeah great electrical system um but no no bad electrical system i was like oh this car it's like fancy yeah it's crazy heated cup holders i mean everything it's just wild why do you want hot fluid mama hot cough hot cough oh i think br. Do people drink hot coffee in LA? No. In the winter, hot cough.

No. I do. I do all the time, every day. Doesn't everyone drink iced coffee? Just gay. I've never had it. You've never had iced coffee? No.

Hot coffee? Does it taste the same? Well, it's hot. But I mean, is there any difference? There's a huge amount of difference. There is? One's a freezing cold liquid. No, I mean, is it the same fluid There's a huge amount of difference. There is? One's a freezing cold liquid. No, I mean, is it the same fluid?

One is hot, one is cold. Yes. But I don't know if iced coffee was like, when you make iced tea, you have to make it twice as strong. Yeah, you do. You generally do brew iced coffee stronger because all the iced liquid make it... Oh. You have to make it hot make it... Yeah. You put simple syrup in it because it's hard to dissolve ice.

Isn't this fascinating? Sugar granules into the iced coffee. Sugar. Sugar. You like corn? You like corn? You like corn? Another dead person.

I know. That is weird. No, no, no, no, no. So I listened to this Buddhist guy the other day um this famous monk dead um uh but he was saying that there's um there's no all ideas are wrong ideas in buddhist philosophy so like there's this concept called avidya which is misunderstanding which basically in its essence says that all video killed the radio star that is it is it that who would play her who would play her

I want to do a podcast called who would play her where we just ask people to talk about people who aren't there and we go who would play her yeah like

probably Reba McEntire oh oh we'll be right back after this but no so like there's no there's no birth

and no death. Birth and death are wrong ideas. So what is there? It's just a continuation. It's like, you know, like the whatever quantum mechanics, whatever. All matter. Neither destroyed. You know.

Yeah. It's just. I mean, because. My mom used to say, you don't have to. Because I was one of those kids who was constantly. I would remember death. Remember that existed and be like wrecked for a week. Why?

Cry constantly. Do you know why? I would remember that someday my grandma would die, and I just couldn't stop crying. I'd have to call her and be like, you're going to die someday. You're older than me, so you're going to die before me. Yeah. I was so worried for anybody older than me that I would see them die. Is it because that you would miss them not being around or because there was death

with some traumatic, horrible thing? Just like the realization that everything's impermanent and the time you have with people you love is shrinking at all times. Oh my God, that sounds like, that's so great though. Well, not the shrinking part,

but like the impermanence part I find so liberating. You like it? I mean, I don't want to live forever, but like, you know, if me and everybody I know could die at the same moment. That'd be fierce. Well, you can't get into a cult. liberate I mean I don't want to live forever but like you know if me and everybody I know could die at the same moment that'd be fierce well you can't nobody get into a cult yeah the invitation

yeah yeah I was gonna do a cult that's what I'm gonna do because I love everyone people I love I'm not gonna I'm not gonna see you die so one of the days we're all gonna kool-aid out of here oh yeah I'm gonna see you die because I'm the last one to drink that Kool-Aid. You can be dressed as a Kool-Aid guy and when I die, you're going to go, oh, yeah. Yeah. But my mom and my girl used to be like,

you don't have to worry about dying. It's as natural as being born. Yes, absolutely. But that didn't make any sense and it still doesn't. Really? Well, okay.

It's the only thing we all have in common. We're all born and we all die. Yeah. Think about this. So I'm watching The White Lotus withifer coolidge and she is hysterical and she has this crazy scene where she goes out she brings her grandmother's boat to this crazy hawaiian resort and she is trying to disperse the ashes in the water and she's just a nutcase a nutcase and she's

like i didn't know if i was i was feeding my mom to the fish or if she would even like that. I feel like I failed her. And it's just so insane. It's like, those ashes are not your mom. That's not your mom. Why do people hang on to ashes? Because why do we bury corpses in gold and velvet boxes? Well, I think we used to bury them, period, because you can't just have their body chilling.

That makes sense. And they break down. But they break down to the earth. It makes sense to put them in the earth. Not in a velvet box, though. You should be burying your dead family on your crops. Absolutely. Mom's going to feed us.

Or like, I understand having a nice little bonfire, barbecue. But then you're watching your family's corpse crisp in front of you. Not necessarily if there's like a discreet little pit. But you don't see a skull at the end? Well, that doesn't scare me. I love skull. But, you know,

I just don't think the whole, there's a lot of morbidity around it. The open, we talked about this. Watching your mom's body lay on a bonfire like it's at a college homecoming party is traumatizing. I think that's more traumatizing than watch my,

watch a thing that used to be my mom tarted up and bloated with formaldehyde laying out in some funeral parlor.

Oh no, I don't believe that. I don't believe that. That is insane. That's traumatizing. That's traumatizing. Also, who is that?

Because that's not my mom. Traumatizing. That's not my mom. That's not my mom. That's not my mom. That's traumatizing. That's traumatizing. Also, who is that? Because that's not my mom. Traumatizing. That's not my mom. That's not my mom. That's not my mom. That's some old bitch. Dead bitch. That's traumatizing.

Yeah. And why do we bury them in a box that keeps them from decaying? That's what I'm saying. How long does it take for a coffin to decay? Lacquered wood like that. Lacquered wood, polyurethane, velveteen on the inside. Gold pan. How long does it take for the dirt to actually reach your dead body

I don't think it does I don't think about that that much so then when I do there's all these questions like this why are we doing that what is that I say ship all the dead bodies to the medical schools and let them chop them up I would love to be like you need to be studied

we need to do. No, we need to do Jennifer. Jennifer in the cell. Chop your body up with slats and spread it out and thin little and just see what the fuck. What the fuck is going in there? The inside of your body probably looks like an ant farm. No, it probably looks like it's probably it's probably like a geo. but with cigarettes, candies, Skittles. Crystallized G.O.s, but with the things she loved.

Skittles, cigarette butts, all crystallized. Oh, my God. I got high blood pressure. I got to go to the doctor. Do you really? Isn't smoking, doesn't it cause high blood pressure? It certainly exacerbates it. Vasoconstrictor.

Vasoconstrictor. Absolutely. A blood flow preventer. Yeah. I was doing Duolingo the other day so hard, my left hand went numb. Here's what we don't, people are dying in general. Everyone's dying. We need to stop making more people.

You know, it's funny. We need to stop having children. you know it's you stop having children yeah we can have one i don't understand there's a resource crisis in the world but we don't we always think about not enough resources we never think about less people i just don't think that people really have that it's such a biological imperative in a societal thing that i don't think that ever crosses people's minds but you know why it crosses their mind to have children why it's the only way to feel like you cheat death you do leave something living behind you yeah people's fear of their own mortality i don't even think

it's what makes them i don't even think that's that is certainly a thing but that doesn't even having a baby having a child having a family that's just a thing you do you do that what else is there to do yeah you do that it's not even a why or oh it's like it's just when not for me no i'm vibing i just want to do gay shit gay shit lonely shit i hope when i die that i'm like i have done every gay thing i listen to every gay song. I've seen every gay TV show. I know every gay person. I got to get into fisting. You got to get into fisting.

You got to get into cock and ball torture. You got to get into cock cages sounding. Cages. Yeah. Cages. Nicolas Cage. Yeah. Nicolas Cage.

Johnny Cage. Cassie Cage. It's bad. It's rough out there. John Cage in the four, yeah. Cassie Cage. It's bad. It's rough out there. John Cage in the four, yeah. James Gum. James Gum. Or Jamie Gum.

Do you know what James Gum wore a cage while he was getting sounded or fizzed in? Oh, Jesus Christ. You know what we got to talk about in another episode? When and why gay people left Earth. Sex in the, in the sex in the peripherals? Oh, what do you mean? Like in the extreme?

When they turn to like the base levels. Where the wild things are. Well, base levels gay sex now is so crazy. I think. In general. I think that we we perhaps have a I mean I know I do I was at a dinner the other night

I was the only non I was the only person who did not have sex professionally well you know I was not a work long story short the company we keep

the company we keep definitely discolors our perception we do not get a good accurate representation of what actually is going on gay wise but

I mean shit also generation the Gen Z who knows what they're doing accurate representation of what actually is going on gay wise. But I mean, shit. Also, Generation, the Gen Z, who knows what they're doing? Oh, they're doomed. They're doomed. Well, we went to first base, then he hacked my leg off at the knee. Like, they're doomed. No, I don't think, I don't think, I think they're doing something different.

Like, they're, they're. Do you remember those articles that were like, 200 ways to have sex without doing it. And it would be like, talk about your favorite song. Hold hands. Go to the movies. Have a cold pop. I think gay people did that, but the wrong way. Yeah.

Put a full body cage on. Does your, yeah. How to inject more like ER horror into your sex life. Yes. Yes. Does your sex life lack yes does your sex life lack csi miami vibes because it's i mean when i listen when i see red we're not king shamers when i see no no no no no power to them mama we're power and safety and in love to them and safety and knowledge knowledge and peace and good feelings and no infections. And no infections.

Yeah. When you see red, what's red? When I see red. So I love the butt. I love a butt. I feel like the GIF of Raj O'Hara dressed as a tree going. I love the butt. I love the asshole. I like to put my tongue in the asshole.

Sometimes as far as I can get up there. I have a seven inch tongue. Which is seven inches. But when I see red. You don't taste that shit? You don't taste that colon in your mouth? That GI tract that's in your mouth right now? I know.

That's just a personal thing. I know rosebuds are very, whatever people get into them, gaping. I like gaping, but it just becomes, I feel like I'm in an operating theater as a graduate student at view medical do you know what i mean like i just it takes me out of the bedroom and into the operating yeah john bob hoskins john hopkins or bob hoskins i just feel like i made up a residency i know do you know what i mean i'm in a residency and i'm in a MedSense on Frontier and like a war-torn Sudan. Like, it's just too much. I feel like if I go on a hookup, there's going to be an operating theater

and it's going to be like Nurse Ratched. They're going to be showing me lobotomy. Yeah, yeah. It's like foreplay is a front, is like an ice pick through the eyeball and then we can like just rip out your intestines and rappel down the roof. Yeah, like we met on Tinder and then he started carrying around my baby toe in his pocket. Yeah, well he's, you know, we're out to to japanese he stuck the chopstick up my dick hole so i knew he was the one right it's wild i mean honestly no shaming i mean just i'm pollyanna but i'm happy

for those people yeah i'm happy those people i'm happy to have a harby it's a nice harby to have you know what and sex is sort of like turns out you can reinvent the wheel oh you can turn that wheel into something else and then just shove it right up your ass where we yeah a torture wheel a wagon wheel a water wheel of piss yeah baby i think we've said it i think we've said enough i think we need a belt here actually i believe it was oscar de la rente who invented a full a pair a fisting gloves. And then they trickled down the cock cages into the casual corners where you no doubt fished out. That wooden sound that you got. Yeah. From a pile of stuff.

Shoved up your pee hole. They should do Devil Wears Prada where they work at like an Adam and Eve, a sex toy company. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's not a butt plug. It's not a dildo is it it's a it's a it's a silicone anal enhancer okay bye Bye.